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marvelous-tunes · 5 years

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Taylor Swift on 30 Things She Learned Before Turning 30:

I learned to block some of the noise. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist.

Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day

Banish the drama. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel.

I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject.

My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months... My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds.

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships... That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce.

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along.

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on.

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience.

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour.

Vitamins make me feel so much better!

Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people?

After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin.

Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it.

Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through.

I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true.

I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans.

I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE US (x)

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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surveyss 008.

1. Can you remember what you were doing at 8:15 this morning? I was just staring at my ceiling. 2. In your phone’s contacts, who is the first person listed under the letter ‘R’? When did you last see that person? Rana. Uhhh, I don’t think we ever really saw one another in person because of Covid, but maybe once or twice in passing 2 years ago. 3. If someone is sticking their nose into your business where it isn’t wanted, how would you deal with that? Would you say something to them?I tend to either withdraw entirely, change the subject, or just flat out say well that isn’t something I feel comfortable discussing. I’m kind of over spending so much energy to make everyone else comfortable and myself miserable.

4. What did you have for lunch today? Or, if you haven’t had lunch yet, what do you think you will have? I had a bagel for breakfast/lunch.

5. Is there someone you desperately want to see/speak to atm, but you can’t? Yeppppppp. I really want to talk to and see kile, but that won’t happen. He won’t message, or try to contact. I’m pretty convinced he never wanted to come out here anyway, so I guess it’s for the best. It’ll get easier.

6. Do you and your significant other have a special song? What is it? no sig other at the moment. 7. If you HAD to sing something on karaoke, what song would you choose? Turn on the radio by reba is the first one that came to mind hahaha.

8. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? Yeah, today! I think some of it is stress related.. not sleeping, not eating the best, but I have been having these awful headaches and it’s been making me super nauseated.

9. What time is it now? Are you tired? It is 10:35 pm and I’m not really tired. Mentally I’m freaking wiped, but I won’t be able to shut my brain off for some time. 10. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I seldom take it with me unless I plan on being super warm, wet, or gone overnight. It typically stays for a long time. I have a little left over but I am not feeling up to going and washing it off.

11. What if you found the last person you kissed, in bed with the last person you texted? Hahahahahaha, well I know that they are both straight so I doubt it would happen. If it was the last opposite sex situation uhh, it would be very surprising because she is happily in a relationship and he has no idea really where she is. 12. The last person you held hands with - have you ever kissed them? Not yet.

13. Can you remember what your parents bought you for Christmas last year? My mom got me so many lovely gifts. She got me an awesome speaker, art stuff, slippers, perfume, etc. She spoils me. My dad has never gotten me anything for Christmas.

14. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? Oooo boy. There are two people that I have had really strong feelings for that are completely different from one another. One of them was just... so .. in sync with me. I could flirt shamelessly with him, he calmed every insecurity, had this smile that melted me, and we were like the most beautiful fit at the worst possible time. He was smart, super dang funny, helpful, patient, kind, driven, talented, hard working, thoughtful, and made me feel so safe and so special. The other guy I had fought feelings for for a while. I was determined not to like him because he was self-centered, hard-headed, cocky, and it just bothered me. However, over time he morphed into this like... completely different person. He began to work on himself and he poured SO MUCH time, effort, money, and energy into making me feel like the most incredible creature he’d ever encountered. He is intelligent, stubborn, generous, and was my very best friend that I just felt whole when talking to him. We didn’t live near one another, but it felt like I took him with me everywhere every day because we just stayed in contact constantly. He became this amazing version of himself that just... so fit me.

30. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? Yeah I have and I called her out on it haaaaaaard core. Her sig other found out and even saw the texts of me saying “you need to tell him NOW.”

31. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? I think it’ll be a while. I wasn’t even in an official relationship this last time, though it felt like it. The previous one it took me maybe a year or so before I dated again, but a lot of that was because I just genuinely didn’t have the schedule.

32. Has any of your friends ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend that you found attractive, and you would secretly have liked to have for yourself? Hmmm.. I’ve found some attractive, but no not for myself. I’m very picky and (without sounding terribly cocky) I know what I am worth. I bring a LOT to the table and I just don’t want to settle. The guys that I’m thinking of are PHENOMENAL fits for the girls they are with, but not for me. My needs are different.

33. How many guys do you know named Matthew? Love that name. always wanted to marry a matthew. I know probably 5? --- none are marriage material HA

34. Think about the last person that made you cry. Would that person be there for you if you needed help? Uhhh, I guess it depends on the help. I honestly think a couple months ago he would have dropped anything to help me any time for any reason. He was always dependable. But now it kind of seems like .. idk. He just doesn’t care about me. I think if I needed help that was financial? maybe he would step in. But beyond that, no I don’t think so. Wow, thats.. hard to think about.

35. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? Kile. We talked about how we were done. We discussed an airbnb for some reason.

36. Has someone of the opposite sex made you cry at any point during the last 24 hours? Yeppppppppppppppppppp. Which is unusual for me, but this is the loss of a really very close relationship. It’s the adjustment period.

37. Is there anything you would like to say to your most recent ex? Depends on what you call an ex. an official boyfriend, gosh no. I am very much OK not ever talking to him again. If it is this semi-relational situation, yeah there’s a lot I would say, but it doesn’t quite seem.. no.

38. If your friends are sexually active but you aren’t, does that bother you? Have you ever felt pressured to have sex before you were ready, because your friends had done it? It doesn’t bother me at all. My friends have different viewpoints regarding sex and they know mine is totally different than theirs because of my trauma. Definitely never felt pressured by them.

39. In your opinion, what is the difference between having a crush and being in love? Have your own experiences helped you to realise that there is a difference? Crushes are like “eek, I hope he looks at me! I hope we bump into one another! I hope our hands “accidentally” brush against one another” whereas love is just consuming. It’s loyalty. It’s the deeper... passionate and steady feelings. It’s working towards making another persons life better without looking for anything in return.

40. Did the last person you hugged have any of these letters in their name: T, R, K, P, J? R 41. What’s the most unhealthy thing you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours? m&ms

42. What was the last compliment you received from someone of the opposite sex? I was just asked if I could be someone’s sugar baby because “your eyes scream beauty while looking trustworthy and genuine” lololol. 43. Who did you last say ‘I love you’ to? What colour are that person’s eyes? My sister, blue eyes.

44. If you took away the first and third letters of your name, what would you then be called? Ina.

45. Name 7 things that make you happy, and explain how it might affect you if you had to give them up. Benny, family, school, air conditioning, pools, bobs burgers, bread --Some of these things I don’t have access to and lemme tell you it is BRUTAL. Some of these things would destroy me if I lost them.

46. Think about your Facebook profile photo. What kind of assumptions do you think a stranger might make about you, from seeing that photograph? Would any of these assumptions be correct? Yikes I don’t even know what that photo is. They’d probably think “wow, thats an old looking photo and why doesn’t she ever update her profile” and each of those statements would be correct.

47. You buy a bar of chocolate, but you decide that you don’t want to eat it now, and put it in the fridge. When you go back later, half of it’s gone - someone else has started eating it! Who are you most likely to blame? My grandma forrrrrrrrrr sure.

48. Choose 5 friends, and talk briefly about each person’s longest/most serious relationship. Who was the relationship with, and how long did it last? Oye. No. 49. Do you think it’s wrong for someone to commit themselves to a long-term relationship at a young age? Explain. No. I think the only downside is that you lose the ability to learn who you are on your own, your beliefs, values, standpoints, non-negotiables, standards, etc. without the influence of the other person. Plus, getting together really young takes away the ability to think about yourself solely which is kind of a bummer. 50. Is there something happening in the near future, that you’re looking forward to? The distraction of the holiday will be wonderful.

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magickandteaguideme · 7 years

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12:25 am 7/18/17

My goal is to change my life drastically by 2020. That’s two and a half years. Sounds easy right? I have such a long way to go. I suppose this blog should start off with a big backstory. My current relationship has been a rocky one. I can argue that in many ways, it has helped me to grow up as an adult, to see the world more clearly and I have learned so many things. But it has also caused me so much pain, mental issues, and just generally put me ina really bad spot. I had a decent job. It wasn’t good, and I didn’t like it much, but it was supporting me. And things got rough. Between me and my boyfriend, we have gone on quite a ride. Our emotions both sway so much and they don’t mesh well. There have been lots of issues. We were at a point where I was broken and shattered for fear of getting cheated on. ‘Twas not the first time. I alone was also supporting three adults at the time on my part time shit job. While I was working, I just was dealing with the feeling that they were probably both and home screwing around together. In multiple ways. We were broke. We were fighting. It was hard. I had a lapse in my mentality. There was an instance. I had taken some money from my register. No more than $40. We needed food. I honestly don’t know what came over me. It wasn’t until several months later that the idea something was mentally not right was tossed around. Well, I have been dealing with “depression” since about 2008. And “anxiety” since 2013? There are in quotes because even though at one point I was taken to the hospital on the assumption that I was going to kill myself, backed by my sadness I was expressing to my now ex and the fact that I was self harming, I was never actually diagnosed with anything. I saw a counselor for a few months after that event. And yet there was no diagnosis. However, I have self diagnosed since then, depression and anxiety. 23 years of life and I felt something was wrong, and it wasn’t until about 6 months ago that I had this realization. Autism. After getting accused of being autistic by my boyfriend, I began researching and realized it fit me so well. I have yet to seek medical attention about this yet. But either way, I blame my unchecked mental illness, whatever it may be, to what happened at my job about a year ago. I was called back into the managers office after a little bit of time and accused of all sorts of things I didn’t do, including the thing I did do. I was then arrested and stayed a night in the local jail. That was the longest night of my life. I was being bested down all night by thoughts. What happened. Why. Is this really happening. My life is over. Where am I going to go when I get out. My boyfriend isn’t going to be there for me. My family won’t be there for me. Most of that was true. For some reason my boyfriend is still here for me. But everything is shit. After some court dates, I’m unsure what any proper terms are, but basically I was given a 2 year hold on my record. The arrest and the theft chargers are there, I was not found guilty of these chargers, but they will remain until September of 2018 so long as I have paid my court fees off and don’t get into anymore legal trouble in that time. As I understand it, my record will be clean again. But that is a whole year away still. This past year has been so terrible. I’ve come so close many times to ending my life. My family for the most part wants nothing to do with me. My boyfriend is abusive and manipulative. I feel worthless. I cannot find a job. I just want to give up. All I do is collect food stamps and sleep. Every job I apply for, there is never any word back. I have had 2 interviews in the past year. Applied to dozens of places and some over and over. Even some employment agencies have turned me down. I was able to get a job through a friend back in September. But I quit after a few weeks. I just couldn’t do it. I need to get my mental health in check, but I don’t know where to begin. I had a glimmer of hope for a short while. A friend was encouraging me to apply for a caregiving job that she does. She said they were desperate and were hiring anyone. Great. But even this “desperate” small local company wouldn’t hire me. I have hopes though that if I make it another year, when my record clears they will hire me. Until then, I’m just stuck. But now is where I am really starting to try. I am really trying to force myself to be motivated. I have goals. They might be vague goals, and I might have little plan of action to achieve them. But they are there. I need to find a job. That’s first. Most important. Once I get that job I need to get a license and a car. Having a job will be great but it won’t mean anything if I can’t get myself to and from said job. If I can accomplish this, next would be to pay off my debt. Because of yea, on top of all that, losing my job made all my credit card payments stop obviously. So now I am close to $10,000 in debt between my over drawn bank account, and payday loans, and my phone bill and several credit cards. If I ever get into a stable position, with no debt, reliable job, then moving on is my next step. Ending my relationship. This is going to be the hardest for sure. While my relationship is in no way a great one, I do have lots of happy moments. As for now, my boyfriend is the only way I have a home, food, life. If I become stable, my plan is to leave. Get my own place. Break off all ties with him. Honestly, my heart loves him so much, but it is divided. There is someone who I have been infatuated with for years. I honestly don’t think we would work out very well, but who knows. I want us to. Very badly. They are an amazing human. I just want to be in a place where I can give us a real chance. Maybe. I hope. But with every other goal and shitty thing in my life, I am very over weight. As a side goal to make progress towards along with everything else, I want to lose weight. I need to. I am sitting, last time I weighed myself, 250 pounds. Honestly probably more by now. I would love to be in a much healthier range of 140-160 pounds. I’m not longing after an incredibly thin body, I just want to be healthy and attractive. This is day one. Day one of my journal. My life is out here now, time to make it one worth talking about.

#personal #rant #my life #my goals #suicidal #depression #anxitey #autism #self harn #journal #annabel

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