#help me I’m being perceived

[nwodwols]

Both of these are so hard for me

#interviewquestions #quiz #adhd #choices #perceptions #help me I’m being perceived #how do you pick one color??

[eternal-reverie]

got the posting anxiety bad tonight

#click clack #ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go #ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog #BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me #because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art #like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public #and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot #a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement… #so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury #the original posts I put here #but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication #my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵‍💫 #all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen #dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄 #anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍 #I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself #and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences #maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog… #I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔 #idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art #just a slow drip until they are in the forefront #bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º＿º ) #I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨 #or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out #I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad #post order compulsion???? #the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts… #if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃

[londyboobs]

so… this happened today 🥺

#for those of you who dont know i’m best of london thor on twitter and ig #i feel so nervous being perceived by her #but i hope she feels appreciated by all that 🥲 #running that acc has really helped me get through a lot of terrible stuff #she’s always so true to herself idk #she’s really inspiring #london thor #gen v cast

[pekodayz]

and i lie mentally to make myself feel better but that just bites me in the ass oughhh

#i don’t wanna be a failure I’m petrified but i have been lazing around for 2 weeks like what the hell is wrong with me😭!!!!!! #graduated no. 4 out my class and I’m just sitting here on the toliet trying to cry one out for once omg #kinda anime🤓 nah. #i srsly need to fix myself. im being perceived by my own instructors prob. terrifying aughhh i rly hope they understand #im so sick eughhh and merch buying doesn’t even help I haven’t been able to enjoy it at all #this is so hard im scared but i need to do smth abt this now #i hate honors system. that can literally fuck so many students up im so serious #sorry i needed to vent somehow #hashtag embarrassing !

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

it’s weird how many compliments I get now for just. existing. and wearing pretty clothes. it’s nuts how differently people treat me based on what I wear. smth smth commentary on humanity whatever I’m just glad other ppl also like my skirts.

#blue chatter #genuinely I think part of it is just that I dress like a magical girl anime protagonist #hair bow poofy skirt color coordinated and themed with matching KN95 sparkly makeup sometimes #and also that people tend to compliment parts of your appearance that you have control over #like hair and clothes and makeup #bc it’s a way to compliment without being forward or objectifying someone #so now that I regularly wear clothing that is bright and colorful and outside the norm it’s noticeable #and o do genuinely put more effort into my appearance now #but it is interesting how much easier it is to make casual acquaintances with people #<- this is important in context. bc I am constantly off putting. I don’t mask much at school anymore. #so this is people complimenting someone who is constantly flinching at sudden noises and randomly twitches/stims #it’s intriguing to me #people approach?? me?? and compliment my outfit and then we chat abt where I got it #and then they say hi to me in class the next day #and suddenly I have someone I can email if I need to miss class and want that day’s notes #it’s so wild #this happens more the weirder I dress btw. if I’m wearing sparkles and a petticoat and a bunch of pins and hairclips I get more #positive attention. which is real intriguing to me. #but I also genuinely like dressing like this? it’s nice to be complimented and it makes me feel good #but I also do it when nobody sees me just bc I enjoy it #I feel more confident in myself and how I perceive myself and I think the confidence also helps #a few of my friends have commented that I hold myself very differently now #one jokingly calls it my ‘queer glowup’ bc this coincided w me being more open and accepting abt my queer identities #which I think is fun

[littledreamling]

As someone who has a lot of pride, I can speak with authority in saying that there’s probably a lot Dream just… doesn’t know how to do, simply because he would see it as undignified to lower himself to learning. For example: ballroom dancing. Yes, it’s an adorable headcanon that Dream and Hob dance together after making up in the quiet of Hob’s flat or under the stars of the Dreaming, but I can honestly say (as someone who is learning how to ballroom dance myself), dancing isn’t a talent, it’s a skill. And it’s not easy. Unless Dream was created knowing how to dance, he would’ve had to have gone through the humiliation of messing up (a lot) (no really, A LOT) to actually learn how to dance well, and I don’t necessarily think he would’ve done that. I’m not sure his pride would let him admit that he doesn’t know how to do something, so he would just never learn how to do it.

And the same goes for a lot of “human” things because he doesn’t spend enough time in the Waking to be able to learn by watching (and yeah, maybe he’d learn by watching in people’s dreams, but dreams are never very reliable in terms of realism and accuracy to real human customs, so maybe he actually learned wrong). Idk I just think it would be an interesting concept to see be explored in fics, especially since Hob is the main catalyst of disarming Dream’s debilitating sense of pride

#I just want Dream to be absolutely clueless about some things #he might act like a know-it-all but I can confidently say (from experience) that it’s usually a defensive tactic #the ‘this is beneath me’ attitude usually stems from being unable to admit that you don’t know how to do it so you won’t even try #Dream really just needs someone to reassure him that he doesn’t need to know everything and that it’s okay to mess up #especially with little things #like dancing #he needs a safe place to explore and learn everything he always wanted to but couldn’t because of his pride #and I think Hob could be that safe place if he let him be #if Dream could lower his walls enough to let him in and trust him with seeing all of Dream even his shortcomings #(perceived or otherwise) #because to Dream not knowing how to do something would definitely be perceived as a shortcoming #he’s a king for god’s sake #in his mind he should know how to do everything #he shouldn’t have to learn or ask for help #but he does and Hob’s there to let him know that he’s not any weaker for it #I’m so soft for them #they’re in love your honor #the sandman #sandman netflix #dream of the endless #morpheus #dream #hob gadling #dreamling

[skhardwarevers1]

anyways “just don’t leave me alone wondering where you are” Program and “I am stronger than you give me credit for” Vista

#Could also be Moon & Tera they’re both equally as sad #But I’m gonna just. Let that sink in. #Even in the early phases (Hansel/Gretel) they were designed specifically to be a stronger more logical machine and a human-esque creation #Vista was never meant to be as strong mentally or physically as Program could #but they pushed through anyway. The perceived imbalance between them will always get me #Vista/Gretel thought Koeia liked Program/Hansel more because he served a purpose #Program/Hansel thought Koeia liked Vista/Gretel more because they were like her “daughter” #And later Program ends up putting aside their differences to look out for them #“For the greater good” my ass! He cared about their well being more because he knew they were supposedly “weaker” than him #but realizing there wasn’t much of a difference between them in Koeia’s eyes made him feel compelled to shield them from some things #He figured that they were meant to be like siblings #he wanted to be their sibling #They wanted to too but they didn’t want to be inferior #They felt that Program was better than them in every way. It was him that made the project possible after all! #Clearly he /must/ be better right? #So they’re stuck in a weird spot of not having known each other for years and only perceiving what they thin other was compared to themself #And then being thrown into a situation where they’re trying to make it out together #Even as early as before the incident Program was looking out for Vista #Program felt threatened by Clay sometimes and would try to tell Vista to get out #Him attacking Clay was his way of trying to help #Which only fucks up Moon a little more when Procyon starts taking that same “helping” role and gets Clay…you know…speared…. #And they feel so betrayed it sends them into an entire spiral of barely knowing who they are anymore #Anyways I didn’t meant to rant bye bye #S.K thinks #I hope this changes someone’s perception of Moon as a whole. Just one person I’ll be happy with that

[tiny-cloud-of-flowers]

friendly reminder that my self-inserts are not OCs (I know that other people count theirs as such, and that is absolutely fine, but mine do not count as such)

#I’m very flattered that people want to know more about lorenza but the ask game is not for self-inserts .w. #the way I think of my self-inserts is that they are each fictional versions of me for the respective source material #none of them are identical to me but part of that stems from each one having a different backstory to me #and different self-inserts tend to have different aspects of my own personality to different extents #(mainly because I myself struggle to know how to #describe my own personality thanks to it being quite inconsistent) #I know some people call them self-insert OCs and everything but. to me my self-inserts are me. calling them OCs implies they aren’t. #that’s just how I perceive it #(I know I also don’t help myself by answering WoL/OC questions for lorenza even though she’s neither an OC nor a WoL) #(but I do it because she is who I play as and in-game you play as the WoL) #I feel like I’m being really nitpicky but I also don’t want the misconception to persist but I feel bad for correcting it >~< #I can still use the sparkles to give facts about her I just didn’t know if the people who sent them for her would rather actually hear about #one of my OCs instead of one of my self-inserts #sorry #heart of the void #self‑insert: wings of the void (lorenza) #sort of

[yay-depression]

the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”

#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff #me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND #spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness #me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits #my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird #my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it #another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not #tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me #and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me #my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family #because sometimes found family is the best kind of family #but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me #every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye #and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’ #it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity #and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like #no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic #my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’ #come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually #anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Had insomnia and two nightmares 😞 and my Italian archaeologist trench co-supervisor isn’t here again so I’m calling the shots on my own which is kind of stressful BUT the site director came by my trench and said I “run a tight ship” and that my trench was clean so I’m #winning

#I keep realizing that I am embodying my favorite leadership tropes or more that #those tropes are Real bc that’s what leadership positions where people rely on you to take charge are like #I’m being paid to make sure the undergrads are happy and doing okay and I’m doing extra chores to help out and I’m in charge of my trench #and I keep politely declining help bc it’s MY job to worry and to extra work and I don’t want the kids stressing when they’re here to learn #and have fun and like I find stressing and managing people extremely rewarding #anyways I talked about this with my friend over text and my roommate out loud and in the same MINUTE both compared me to sh*ro which fucking #wig and I am perceived etc but like #I literally feel like I have 13 children that require some measure of my attention all the time but I am honestly considering going into #international programs as a career for a bit in my 20s bc I am thriving overall

[lestatslestits]

The dysphoria that comes from having one or two traits of the gender presentation that you WANT while still being perceived as your assigned gender at birth hits different.

#why I almost never bind <3 #although currently it’s facial hair #i’m not on t but I have been consistently getting more and more facial hair #which would be great if it helped me stop being perceived a woman #but nope

[eloquentspeeches]

i so rarely post things to social media anymore, especially my own art, so seeing the nice tags on the wyll textpost memes I made makes me happy ;u;

#Maybe I’ll post ones I made of my Tav I’m nervous to share him though #I’ve posted art of him before but aughghhhh #The difficulty of being perceived by a wider audience versus wanting to share #Eso talks #I think my point here is that the nice comments are helping me be brave in the face of my social media anxiety #Idk how people post constantly I get nervous just posting some silly textpost memes #In comparison to my art and my OCs the textpost memes are so much more lowstakes and shouldn’t be causing this much anxiety #So people being nice is helping

[0rionz-belt]

I don’t know how to explain that I’m not me in a way anyone can fully comprehend. I’m so tired.

#vent #I can’t just keep saying all of this stuff again. but I’m going to. #I look back on my life and it feels like I’m remembering scenes from my favorite movie. #or better yet. you know how if you tell someone something enough they eventually believe it? like in criminal justice shit? #I look back. and it feels like that wasn’t me. but they’re my memories. somehow. #this is the same body. same brain. same voice. #but I can’t remember more than an audience would. I’ll never know what I was thinking. how my brain worked. #and I can’t help but wonder if I’m still seeing my life like that. if I’m exaggerating everything. #if I’m exaggerating how amazing I really was. #I spend every day of my fucking life mourning over what I perceived myself to be. #because back then? back then I was building the skills needed to be a person in this world. #everything feels fucking broken with me. I’m in so much anguish. #I miss being a person more than anything. #I feel so horrible. not just for everything I’ve done but for everyone I’ve met. for my friends. #I feel like I’ve let everyone down. No one understands just how true that actually is. #If you could see the life I lost you would think I let you down too. I guarantee it. #this is the worst death one can have. Everyone loses the you they know. But you still have a body and brain that has to face the aftermath. #I’ve been in agony for so long. so much of me is dead. I just pray that the rest of me goes painlessly. #cant believe I wrote this shit listening to a song from the god damn doll movie

[herrlichersonnigertag]

oh babes the consequences of having multiple disabilities that make each other worse sure are being felt

#don’t rb #like. hmm. the consequences of my actions. who coulda thunk it #at this point im getting convinced that what i need more than anything else is to live with someone full-time who is willing to care for me #plus possibly getting actual hired support from a caretaker/helper of some kind #also not living with relative strangers for roommates with whom i feel anxious #which triggers all the other issues #but like. damn. i cannot be doing this anymore i will either cause myself harm or just generally be miserable #all the time and possibly like. stop doing my job/being a friend/being a partner well #to be clear: I’m mostly having a good day (brain-wise) today and I am in no danger and my partner helps a TON as do my friends #but the circumstances of my life could be uhhhh a lot better for me #also. really struggle with the lable of ‘disabled’ and not wanting to like… take it away from people who I perceive as ‘more disabled’?? #but there’s really no other way to describe my experience than disabled and also i literally categorically have disabilities #loooong ramble in the tags congrats if you made it this far #שירו שיר חדש

[livvyofthelake]

that was a lie my parents won’t ruin THIS episode by coming home. unfortunately i will probably watch a third episode

#well. ruin is a strong word. i just don’t like how they don’t perceive stuff i like #ignore the second don’t #i’m the baby of the family so everything i like is automatically juvenile and it doesn’t help that i like a lot of things that are juvenile #but like no one in this house can conceptualize ‘family’ media. like if there’s no curse words or sex it’s just For Kids #like get serious y’all just watched harry potter with my sister and no one has ever acted like she’s childish for liking that shit #like i KNOW it’s just because of misogyny 85% of the time because especially in the fantasy genre girl’s stories are seen as more childish #simply due to being about and being written for girls. where boys stories get to be gender neutral because they’re the default #and then because i’m me and 80% of everything i enjoy is about women. the other 20% doesn’t make enough of an impression to not be lumped in #so even though THIS show isn’t about women it’s still something I’M watching and it’s fantasy and it doesn’t have curse words or sex so by #default it’s girly and childish. and that sucks already but sucks even worse because now my family is gonna go about their lives thinking #that bbc merlin is girl stuff. and therefore even remotely feminist. which makes me want to kill myself because i’ve never heard something #less true in my life. like YES i am the annoying girly feminist girl’s girl of this family YES i watch bbc merlin NO that show is not that!! #anyway. that’s annoying. i love how it’s only not stupid to like something in the fantasy genre when it’s harry potter or game of thrones. #like that’s awesome. #we should all kill ourselves. but before that we should publicly execute jk rowling and george rr martin #like i firmly believe jkr should be killed but not for the terf stuff just because she made up the most annoying franchise ever. #beth.txt

[synthetic-blanket-hairs]

the unspeakable pressure to Not be a “woman who makes up imaginary problems and bothers other people about them” like in fiction

#Josie hollers #I’m so tired of existing with any level of regard for other peoples’ perception of me #like whatever at this point just view me as an archetype actually. I am a woman who perceives problems and talks to other people about them #this is about being afraid to ask for help at work in case someone doesn’t understand the problem I’m trying to communicate #surely unrelated to the other events this morning #I hated working at the Air Force bc I could just Tell that all the men in the office thought I was incapable