#i apologize for coming on here and rambling sometimes about these stressors but I don’t have any other outlet atm. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

uppastthejelliclemoon · 2 years

Note

(Disclaimer: I tried making the ask shorter because I went on a ramble (it’s still pretty long sorry) and now the tone feels off, all of this is /gen and “trying to figure things out”)

Hi, different anon, but same “I wish no harm/discourse but am curious/confused” sentiment

I definitely agree that bi erasure is a pretty big thing in fandom (“at some point it stops being pro gay and starts being anti woman” is a quote I’ve heard that sums at least part of it up pretty well) and that m/f ships in Cats are often underrated, but it’s sort of bothered me that this specific point hasn’t been brought up at least from what I’ve seen

I feel like fandom is, among other things, a space queer people can go to for representation. Though queer stories have started to get more popular in media, it’s still predominantly cis and straight, so the fact that fandoms have a lot more gay ships doesn’t really surprise me. I know this still doesn’t explain why f/f ships are so much less popular than m/m ships (sometimes creators make unlikable female characters and sometimes fandom in misogynistic), but I kind of think that even if biphobia was completely eliminated in fandom spaces, gay ships would still be far more popular (even if it goes against canon), at least until the rest of the world catches up in terms of queer rep

I’m well aware that having bi people in media in m/f relationships is just as important and can be just as validating, but I think to a lot of people validation comes in the form of representation of same sex relationships

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I know people like you and munku-collar are right about bi erasure in this fandom, but it’s been bothering me that this hasn’t been mentioned. Sorry if this ask has been an added stressor, I just feel like you’re a person who understands this topic very well and I’d love to hear your thoughts

hello, love!!

first off, thank you so much for being so kind and open with this ask, it really, really means a lot.

(i also just saw the ask you sent, and while yes, this may be a little discourse-y, i think this is incredibly important to put out there!)

before i get into this, i want to make sure that if anyone rb's this with added opinions/information, or wants to send me messages or asks about this, literally the only thing that i ask is that you're kind, and do not attack this anon, myself, or anyone else providing their perspective.

everything you said is 100% absolutely true.

i'm not going to sit here and act like only my takes about certain ships are the right ones, because that's absolutely not true in the slightest. it wasn't my intention at all to make anyone feel that way, and i truly do apologize if my last Platoria post made anyone feel that way.

like i said in my rb of my post:

Cats is the entire reason that I realized my sexuality and became comfortable with it. this was the first fandom that i joined where m/m and f/f ships were some of the most popular and celebrated, and this was huge for me.

this fandom space, like you said, is so important for queer people, and everyone should be able to curate their ships in ways that they can be able to see themselves.

i think this type of discourse is very important in fandoms with multiple lgbtq+ pairings, so if anything, i'm glad that you've brought it up, and i'd love to hear input from others within the fandom on this topic.

#cats the musical #fandom discourse #anon i think you said it really well #so i didn't want to add too much #but thank you for your input and for being so kind about it!

7 notes · View notes

hobiwonder · 5 years

Text

For Rha

@jincherie (you dumbass)

1.3k

(his hair :((()

"Jimin?" This was odd. Your fluffy roommate was nowhere to be found. You'd left him right here when you'd told him about running by the post office really quickly.

He'd been finicky all morning when you'd mentioned about running some errands. But you didn't question it. With Jimin, there was always something making him fidgety or pouty. Trying his best to get your attention one way or another. Though today especially he seemed a bit more... sulky. Like you were forgetting something. You'd wracked your brain on the way to the post office. Trying to think of all the possible events that could've taken place on this very fine day. A month from now? Six months from now? Or was it a year ago?

It was all very hard to keep track of. Jimin loved celebrating every trivial milestone in both of your relationship. When you'd brought him home from the adoption centre for hybrids, he'd seemed to be all but completely head over heels for you. He followed you around like, well, a puppy. Despite simulating the physical appearance of a very finely grown man, he wanted your undivided attention. And more often than not, you were ready to oblige. Your relationship had progressed very fast and at first it was a bit overwhelming at first. But you wouldn't have it any other way now.

Not to forget you were terrible at remembering birthdays, anniversaries and all the things related. Yet you tried your best to be ready with some sort of present or surprise for Jimin to see that adorable little blush that bloomed on his cherub face. even though you knew that the devious hybrid expected this from the get go anyway. You still indulged him. Until today. What were you forgetting today?

No clue. And that's why you'd gone about your day, not in a rush. Posting some important papers you needed to for work. Picking up some groceries after dropping off your smart tablet off at the repairs shop. Someone (Jimin) had downloaded some sort of sketchy game that kept making in-app purchases without asking for authorisation. Turned out the whole device had to be wiped out and you'd thought it best to have a professional deal with it. The whole ordeal had taken a little more than you'd expected so you were home later than what Jimin was told.

No doubt, he was not going to let this go. But usually he was waiting at the front door to sulk and interrogate you with the whole what, when, where and why.

"Jimin? Are you in the shower, hon?" Tapping loudly on the bathroom door, you don't hear anything back.

"Where is this boy." mumbling under your breath, you venture out in the backyard. Sometimes he liked to just read outside.

Nope. No such luck. Until you hear the soft noises of your pink-haired hybrid's sniffling. Telling your darn heart to steady - it was sort of a reflex now really - you follow the noise. Their was an urgency to your steps, wanting to be with Jimin as soon as possible to alleviate whatever stressor he faced. Walking straight to your room, you stop in the doorway trying to figure out where the noise was coming from.

"Jimin? Baby are you in here?" the next sniffle outs him. now standing right in front of your bed - you kneel down to come face to face with red, blotchy cheeks.

"G-Go away!" Sigh. He was upset.

"Why are you hiding under here? I was so worried when I didn't see you." Your voice may have come off as a little stern. You could tell from the way Jimin turned his back to you, clutching the plushy in his hands, tightly to his chest.

"W-Why do you care! You were gone for four h-hours." His voice cracks after every few words, making it hard for you to not let a smile slip past your lips.

You felt a little awful for finding him absolutely adorable. But not enough to try and completely conceal the laughter from your voice.

"Baby, you knew where I was going and I did ask you if you wanted to come with me. Hm?" Your light tone doesn't dissolve his anger towards you but you were only trying to reason with him.

Who were you kidding though. He just wanted to be chased after a little. Your boy was feeling a little neglected, that's all.

"Yeah w-well. I wanted to make you- No! i don't wanna hug you." his petulant tone only makes you hold him tighter, spooning his warm body from behind. You'd crawled under the bed while he was distracted - there was no way he would've come out anyway.

"No worries. I can do all the hugging." Placing a gentle kiss behind his fluffy ears, you feel his entire body melt under your touch.

"Now, what did you want to make me?" Arms slipping around his waist, pulling him back in to you. Jimin gasps, surprised.

"I-I.. I was making a cake f-for you! You got that promotion l-last week and I-I-" hiccups laced every other word. He was talking too fast and soon he will be completely breathless. Tapping two fingers against his lips, you speak.

"Jimin, take a breath first for me. Slowly." His rambling instantly quietens, obeying you wordlessly as you feel his chest inflate slowly. Your hand around his waist travels to his sides, running up and down - pacing his breaths, feeling his chest deflate.

When you feel his heartbeat to be a little more steady, you softly press another peck on his temple. "Now, tell me again."

"O-Okay." He's much more calm, taking in another breath before talking. "I made a cake for you. It was in the fridge and you didn't even notice at breakfast!"

So that was why he was sulking. Because you idiotically missed the top shelf as a store-bought cake and not a homemade one. You were impressed honestly.

"You made it, Jiminie? For me? I thought it was a store-bought cake maybe Namjoon had dropped off."

You can almost hear him pout at your words. It only makes you laugh, holding your cute hybrid boyfriend tighter. "That's a compliment Jiminie. You did such a great job that you fooled me!"

He shifts in your grasp at the praise. Even though he loved it - thrived on it - he was always sheepish whenever you complimented him.

"R-Really?" Suddenly, the angry puppy who had been loud and talking a mile an hour was meekly looking back at you over his shoulder.

"Yes baby. Really. I'm sorry I didn't say anything." Leaning down, you gently place a soft, chaste kiss on his pouting lips.

A whine escapes past his lips just when your lips seal his. Even if he'd been ready to denounce you and yelled at you to stay away - Jimin was eager to get even closer. Turning around to face you, he chases after your lips when you pull away after a few seconds. His arms go up, holding on to your blouse at the waist while your own arms squash him even tighter against your chest. The smirk on your face at his desperation for contact makes his cheeks bloom even more with the peachy blush.

"If... if you want to kiss me a-as an apology...." He can't finish his sentence. Too embarrassed at his demand. Throwing your head back, your frame shakes with a chuckle at his needy personality not being able to stay hidden even for a full half an hour.

"Oh really? That's excellent. Because that's the only way I am willing to repent." Brushing your nose with his in a sweet, eskimo kiss, you envelop his plush lips again.

His leg raises over yours, wrapping himself completely in you. And for the next few minutes - you make out with your adorable, whiny, needy, wonderful boyfriend. Under the bed.

Sometime later on, you're on the bed due to logistical difficulties.

#commisionwork #i hope u like it xx #jimin fluff

123 notes · View notes

jcmorgenstern · 5 years

Text

@superohclair oh god okay please know these are all just incoherent ramblings so like, idk, please feel free to add on or ignore me if im just wildly off base but this is a bad summary of what ive been thinking about and also my first titans/batman meta?? (also, hi!)

okay so for the disclaimer round: I am not an actual cultural studies major, nor do I have an extensive background in looking at the police/military industrial complex in media. also my comics knowledge is pretty shaky and im a big noob(I recently got into titans, and before that was pretty ignorant of the dceu besides batman) so I’ll kind of focus in on the show and stuff im more familiar with and apologize in advance?. basically im just a semi-educated idiot with Opinions, anyone with more knowledge/expertise please jump in! this is literally just the bullshit I spat out incoherently off the top of my head. did i mention im a comics noob? because im a comics noob.

so on a general level, I think we can all agree that batman as a cultural force is somewhat on the conservative side, if not simply due to its age and commercial positioning in American culture. there are a lot of challenges and nuances to that and it’s definitely expanding and changing as DC tries to position itself in the way that will...make the most money, but all you have to do is take a gander through the different iterations of the stories in the comics and it’ll smack you in the fucking face. like compare the first iteration of Jason keeping kids out of drugs to the titans version and you’ve got to at least chuckle. at the end of the day, this is a story about a (white male) billionaire who fights crime.

to be fair, I’d argue the romanticization of the police isn’t as aggressive as it could be—they are most often presented as corrupt and incompetent. However, considering the main cop characters depicted like Jim Gordon, the guys in Gotham (it’s been a while since I saw it, sorry) are often the romanticized “good few” (and often or almost always white cis/het men), that’s on pretty shaky ground. I don’t have the background in the comics strong enough to make specific arguments, so I’ll cede the point to someone who does and disagrees, but having recently watched a show that deals excellently with police incompetence, racism, and brutality (7 Seconds on Netflix), I feel at the very least something is deeply missing. like, analysis of race wrt police brutality in any aspect at all whatsoever.

I think it can be compellingly read that batman does heavily play into the military/police industrial complex due to its takes on violence—just play the Arkham games for more than an hour and you’ll know what I mean. to be a little less vague, even though batman as a franchise valorizes “psychiatric treatment” and “nonviolence,” the entire game seems pretty aware it characterizes treatment as a madhouse and nonviolence as breaking someone’s back or neck magically without killing them because you’re a “good guy.” while it is definitely subversive that the franchise even considers these elements at all, they don’t always do a fantastic job living up to them.

and then when you consider the fetishization of tools of violence both in canon and in the fandom, it gets worse. same with prisons—if anything it dehumanizes people in prisons even more than like, cop shows in general, which is pretty impressive(ly bad). like there’s just no nuance afforded and arkham is generally glamorized. the fact that one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, I will admit, does not help. im not really sure how to mitigate that when, again, one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, but I think my point still stands. fuck you, killer croc. (im just kidding unfuck him or whatever)

not to take this on a Jason Todd tangent but I was thinking about it this afternoon and again when thinking about that cop scene again and in many ways he does serve as a challenge to both batman’s ideology as well as the ideology of the franchise in general. his depiction is always a bit of a sticking point and it’s always fascinating to me to see how any given adaptation handles it. like Jason’s “”street”” origin has become inseparable from his characterization as an angry, brash, violent kid, and that in itself reflects a whole host of cultural stereotypes that I might argue occasionally/often dip into racialized tropes (like just imagine if he wasn’t white, ok). red hood (a play on robin hood and the outlaws, as I just realized...today) is in my exposure/experience mostly depicted as a villain, but he challenges batman’s no-kill philosophy both on an ethical and practical level. every time the joker escapes he kills a whole score more of innocent people, let alone the other rogues—is it truly ethical to let him live or avoid killing him for the cost of one life and let others die?

moreover, batman’s ““blind”” faith in the justice system (prisons, publicly-funded asylum prisons, courts) is conveniently elided—the story usually ends when he drops bad guy of the day off at arkham or ties up the bad guys and lets the police come etc etc. part of this is obviously bc car chases are more cinematic than dry court procedurals, but there is an alternate universe where bruce wayne never becomes batman and instead advocates for the arkham warden to be replaced with someone competent and the system overhauled, or in programs encouraging a more diverse and educated police force, or even into social welfare programs. (I am vaguely aware this is sometimes/often part of canon, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s the main focus. and again, I get it’s not nearly as cinematic).

overall, I think the most frustrating thing about the batman franchise or at least what I’ve seen or read of it is that while it does attempt to deal with corruption and injustice at all levels of the criminal justice system/government, it does so either by treating it as “just how life is” or having Dick or Jim Gordon or whoever the fuckjust wipe it out by “eliminating the dirty cops,” completely ignoring the non-fantasy ways these problems are dealt with in real life. it just isn’t realistic. instead of putting restrictions on police violence or educating cops on how to use their weapons or putting work into eradicating the culture of racism and prejudice or god basically anything it’s just all cinematized into the “good few” triumphing over the bad...somehow. its always unsatisfying and ultimately feels like lip service to me, personally.

this also dovetails with the very frustrating way mental health/”insanity” or “madness” is dealt with in canon, very typical of mainstream fiction. like for example:“madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.” yikes, if by ‘push’ you mean significant life stressors, genetic load, and environemntal influences, then sure. challenge any dudebro joker fanboy to explain exactly what combination of DSM disorders the joker has to explain his “””insanity””” and see what happens. (these are, in fact, my plans for this Friday evening. im a hit at parties).

anyway I do really want to wax poetic about that cop scene in 1x06 so im gonna do just that! honestly when I first saw that I immediately sat up like I’d sat on a fucking tack, my cultural studies senses were tingling. the whole “fuck batman” ethos of the show had already been interesting to me, esp in s1, when bruce was basically standing in for the baby boomers and dick being our millennial/GenX hero. I do think dick was explicitly intended to appeal to a millennial audience and embody the millennial ethos. By that logic, the tension between dick and Jason immediately struck me as allegorical (Jason constantly commenting on dick being old, outdated, using slang dick doesn’t understand and generally being full of youthful obnoxious fistbumping energy).

Even if subconsciously on the part of the writers, jason’s over-aggressive energy can be read as a commentary on genZ—seen by mainstream millennial/GenX audiences as taking things too far. Like, the cops in 1x06 could have been Nick Zucco’s hired men or idk pretty much anyone, yet they explicitly chose cops and even had Jason explain why he deliberately went after them for being cops so dick (cop) could judge him for it. his rationale? he was beaten up by cops on the street, so he’s returning the favor. he doesn’t have the focused “righteous” rage of batman or dick/nightwing towards valid targets, he just has rage at the world and specifically the system—framed here as unacceptable or fanatical. as if like, dressing up like a bat and punching people at night is, um, totally normal and uncontroversial.

on a slightly wider scope, the show seems to internally struggle with its own progressive ethos—on the one hand, they hire the wildly talented chellah man, but on the other hand they will likely kill him off soon. or they cast anna diop, drawing wrath from the loudly racist underbelly of fandom, but sideline her. perhaps it’s a genuine struggle, perhaps they simply don’t want to alienate the bigots in the fanbase, but the issue of cops stuck out to me when I was watching as an social issue where they explicitly came down on one side over the other. jason’s characterization is, I admit and appreciate, still nuanced, but I’d argue that’s literally just bc he’s a white guy and a fan favorite. cast an actor of color as Jason and see how fast fandom and the writer’s room turns on him.

anyway i don’t really have the place to speak about what an explicitly nonwhite!cop!dick grayson would look like, but I do think it would be a fascinating and exciting place to start in exploring and correcting the kind of vague and nebulous complaints i raise above. (edit: i should have made more clear, i mean in the show, which hasn’t dealt with dick’s heritage afaik). also, there’s something to be said about the cop vs detective thing but I don’t really have the brain juice or expertise to say it? anyway if you got this far i hope it was at least interesting and again pls jump in id love to hear other people’s takes!!

tldr i took two (2) cultural studies classes and have Opinions

#wow this was a hot fucking mess #i tried to be organized but my thoughts weren't coming out super well #again anyone interested please feel free to jump in or correct me at any place you feel like #i die on the ''jason todd would be treated horribly by fandom if he were a character of color' hill tho #i could go on about 1x06 until im blue in the face but that's the uhh overview. the executive summary.#dc titans #i need meta tags and shit for this show #god help me in too deep #finding the meta side of fandom was a GIFT tho i love this shit #so excited

16 notes · View notes

sociallyawkward--fics · 6 years

Note

55 and 20 for ultimate angst combo, feat Virgil and your pick

I decided to go with Logan cuz we all know I love my left brain bois

I wrote half of this when I was very tired and the other half with this newly developed fever, so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense lol. I think there may accidentally be some tense switches in there that I may not have caught but oh well too late now I’m very tired

Warnings: miscommunication, arguemnts, panic attacks, general anxiety, let me know if I missed something/you’d like me to add something

Word Count: 2067 (remember when these prompts were supposed to be drabbles lol)

[ao3 link]

Logan couldn’t quite pinpoint when he’d started. At first, it had just been offhand observations that he’d dismissed, Anxiety was, after all, their enemy.

But then he wasn’t. And Logan stopped dismissing his observations. In fact, he began writing them down, practically studying Virgil.

Virgil was not only the personification of Thomas’s anxiety, but he also seemed to experience it himself. He slept and ate poorly, and it was difficult to convince him to join in on group activities. His hands were frequently shaking, and he grew irritable if he didn’t get enough time to himself to recharge.

So Logan observed. He took note of specific stressors to Virgil, and tried to come up with possible solutions on how to minimize them. Things like lessening his caffeine intake, improving his diet, and perhaps having a calming tea before bed.

And the more Logan observed, the more trivial his observations were.

Like how husky his voice was after just waking up. Or the beautifully musical sound of the small chuckles he hid behind his hand whenever Patton made a pun. Or the (objectively adorable) teasing smirk on his face when he playfully provoked Roman.

Eventually, he Logan starts to realize he has a problem when each of these observations sparks a strange feeling in his chest and stomach. A feeling that he unfortunately knows the diagnosis to, despite how clueless the others believe him to be when it comes to emotions.

He never meant to start falling for Virgil.

And he never meant for it all to fall apart.

Logan had been writing plans in his notebook as usual, trying to come up with ways for Virgil to better manage his anxiety, when Patton frantically called him into the kitchen. Logan had left his notebook open on the coffee table while he went to assist (Patton had, once again, gotten multiple spoons stuck in the drain).

After fixing the issue, Patton rushed upstairs, saying something about being late for a date in the Imagination with Roman. Logan returned to the living room only to find Virgil flipping through the notebook, expression growing increasingly angrier.

“Virgil–” Logan started.

“The fuck is this,” Virgil asked, cutting him off and barely looking up from the book to glare at Logan.

“Virgil, please, let me explain, I–” Logan started again, but was cut off once more.

“Are you observing me?” Virgil’s voice rose in volume. “Am I just another experiment to you?”

“Virgil, no, you don’t understand–” Logan tried to explain

“I don’t understand?” Virgil scoffed, looking back down at the notebook.

Logan resisted the urge to growl in frustration. That would get them nowhere. If only Virgil would stop cutting him off–

“I think I understand perfectly,” Virgil said and began reading from the notebook, “‘The subject’s diet and sleeping patterns must be monitored further before an accurate routine can be created.’ What the hell, Logan?”

“I was only trying to help!”

Virgil’s scowl deepened. “Maybe I don’t need your help, ever think of that?” He shoved the notebook into Logan’s chest. “Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken. And I’m not some experiment you can just toy with as you please.”

Logan let the notebook fall to the ground as Virgil stormed off to his room.

He’d really messed up this time.

Virgil stays in his room for days. No one even caught him coming out for food or water, which especially concerned them.

Patton had taken to sitting in front of his door for some amount of time during the day. Sometimes it was thirty minutes. Sometimes it was three hours. He rambled aimlessly at the door, tried to convince Virgil to come out, or at least eat. No one even knew if Virgil was actually listening.

Logan couldn’t sleep. He would barely eat, which only served to fuel Patton’s worry further.

It was his fault Virgil was locked in there, ignoring them all. He had betrayed Virgil’s trust (even if he still wasn’t 100% sure what had happened), and he had to fix it.

So Logan used his newly terrible sleeping schedule to his advantage. He burrowed under a blanket on the couch – making sure to adjust it’s positioning so that it’s placement looked natural and haphazardly thrown on the cushions – and waited.

After all those days, there was no way Virgil wasn’t hungry. Even if he had been sneaking food somehow, he’d need more. And Logan would keep doing this until he caught him.

As things were, it did take a few days before Logan caught Virgil.

He had almost fallen asleep, when a presence going by woke him up and put him on edge. Logan carefully listened to the footsteps of the presence and the resulting sounds in the kitchen.

Everything sounded too quiet, too sneaky. There was no way that wasn’t Virgil (he should know, he’d caught both Patton and Roman rustling around in the kitchen late at night enough times to know what they sounded like).

Logan listened while Virgil quietly ate some of the leftovers Patton had left in the fridge. Listened while he stuffed what was probably his coat pockets with what was probably granola bars (if the crinkling wrappers were anything to go by). Listened as he quietly made his way back through the common room to the stairs.

Then, Logan moved. Virgil wasn’t the only one who could be sneaky.

He climbed up the stairs quickly (as quickly as he could, being as exhausted as he was, which wasn’t very quickly), remembering exactly which steps not to step on because they would squeak.

Virgil was almost at the end of the hall by the time Logan made it up the stairs, so he dashed down the hallway, slipping into Virgil’s room just before Virgil finished shutting the door.

Virgil startled so badly that he stumbled backwards and the food fell from his pockets (Logan was right, granola bars).

“We need to talk,” Logan said, hands already shaking. Apparently the affects of Virgil’s room came on faster when you were tired and vulnerable.

“I don’t think I have much to say to you right now,” Virgil said, steadying himself and eyeing Logan’s hands carefully. “I think it would be better if you left.”

“No,” Logan said. “Not until you listen to me.”

“Logan, seriously–”

“No, last time you did all the talking, now it’s my turn.” Logan could feel the panic building, but he did his best to swallow it down. He had to do this. “I never meant to hurt you, Virgil.”

“Yeah, well, you did,” Virgil said, crossing his arms and looking away.

Logan ran his trembling fingers through his hair and tried to take a deep breath. It stuttered and he lost it, but he kept speaking.

“I simply wanted to help you, Virgil. I’ve noticed for a long time that you show many symptoms of anxiety yourself, and deduced that you are not just the presence of anxiety, but also the experience of it–”

“So I get nervous,” Virgil butt in, still refusing to look at Logan. “So what?”

“Stop interrupting!” All of Logan’s breath whooshed out of his lungs, and he gasped a few times trying to fill them again. “I wanted to help you, you idiot! I wanted to help you be less nervous so that you could be happy! I wanted to help you because I care and I fucked up, but please, Virgil, please stop hurting yourself because I was an idiot. You’re not broken and I don’t want to fix you, I just wanted to help.”

“Logan,” Virgil breathed out, finally looking at him. His eyes were glassy, his face vulnerable.

But Logan could hardly pay attention to that now. He was practically hyperventilating at this point, buzzing with anxiety and worry. He was worried about Virgil, worried for Virgil’s health, worried for Patton if he couldn’t get Virgil to come out again, worried for the relationship he shared with Virgil and if he’d doomed it from the start–

Logan’s eyes snapped open (when had he closed them??) when a cool hand pressed against his face, wiping away tears that Logan hadn’t even realized were there.

“Logan, it’s okay,” Virgil said gently. “We gotta get you out of here.”

Logan didn’t respond, he simply allowed Virgil to pull him closer and sink them both out, popping back up in the common room.

“I’m sorry,” Logan stuttered out over and over, still in the midst of his panic. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry–”

Virgil guided Logan to sit on the couch, wrapping the blanket that Logan had been hiding under earlier in the night around his shoulders.

“It’s okay, Logan,” Virgil said, trying to gently pry Logan’s hands away from his hair. “I’m not mad anymore. I’m not mad at you.”

“I messed up, I’m sorry–”

“It’s all okay now,” Virgil spoke soothingly. “I need you to breathe with me, can you do that?”

Logan nodded shakily, squeezing Virgil’s hands tightly as opposed to clutching at his hair.

“Four, seven, eight, remember that?”

Logan nodded again.

“Okay, do it with me now.”

The two breathed in unison for a few minutes. They breathed until Logan’s breaths no longer stuttered and neither of their hands shook. They breathed until Logan’s tears dried and Virgil’s heart slowed. They breathed until Logan finally allowed their hands to drop away from each other, embarrassed by the contact.

“I’m sorry,” Logan started to say again, looking down in shame, but Virgil held up a hand to stop the apology from going further.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad, Logan.”

Logan looked up at him again. “I find that hard to believe.”

Virgil shook his head. “I was mad for a little bit. And scared. I thought I was just another experiment to you–”

“You’re not,” Logan blurted, grabbing Virgil’s hand again.

“I know that now,” Virgil gave a small, almost imperceptible smile, “so stop apologizing.” He frowned again. “Just smile,” Virgil said, clutching Logan’s hand back. “I really need to see you smile right now.”

Logan scoffed. “You say that as if I smile normally in my day to day life.”

Virgil smirked. “Maybe you should.”

“I am a very serious man.”

“A very serious man with a very nice smile.”

“Falsehood.”

Virgil’s smirk grew into a rare grin. “Careful, Logan. You know what Patton likes to do to liars.” He took one of his hands back to squeeze Logan’s side, smiling wider when Logan tried to wiggle away.

“Stop it,” Logan said, but there was no heat behind the words and he was smiling wide.

Virgil clasped their hands together again. “See? It’s like the sun, I can’t even look at it straight on it’s so bright. Good thing we’re both gay as fuck, huh?”

Logan broke down in giggles slouching forward to lean his forehead again Virgil’s shoulder. “I think the sleep deprivation is catching up with me,” he said in-between bouts of quiet laughter.

Virgil ran a hand through Logan’s hair. “More fun for me, then,” he joked, but started to recline them against the couch anyway, adjusting Logan to lay on top of him. “Means I get to see that smile. I won.”

“Stop talking about my smile, already,” Logan whined, then mumbled into Virgil’s chest, “Just wait until I’m coherent, then I won’t be the one who’s blushing.”

Virgil sighed, fixing the blanket around Logan’s shoulder’s to cover them both entirely. “If only the room wasn’t so dim, I would’ve liked to see that.”

Logan only hummed in response, beginning to drift off.

“Hey, Lo?” Virgil murmured after a few minutes, almost asleep.

“Hmm?”

“We’re not gonna just… go back to normal in the morning and pretend this never happened, right?”

Logan, barely awake, snuggled deeper into Virgil’s chest. “Fuck that. I gotta prove that I’m the better flirt.”

Virgil giggled sleepily. “I don’t think either of us were very good flirts tonight.”

“I’ll show you,” Logan muttered, words starting to slur.

Virgil smiled down at the unruly mass of brown hair resting on his chest. “You do that,” he whispered, finally letting sleep drag him under.

And if Patton woke up to make breakfast and found those two curled together on the couch and snapped dozens of pictures? No one needed to know.

And if one of those pictures ended up as Logan’s lockscreen? No one needed to know that, either.

#sanders sides fic #sanders sides #Analogical #virgil sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #romantic analogical #my writing

364 notes · View notes

thegraphitesword-blog · 7 years

Text

Pride Prompt Month 7/30: Underground

Fandom(s): Be More Chill, Dear Evan Hansen and Heathers

Relationships: Tree Bros, Two Player Ga(y)mers, Martha <> Veronica

Notes: I had no idea what exactly “underground” meant so I looked it up just to see if I was missing a definition of it. Glad I did because the urban dictionary definition came up and it talked about like underground music and bands and stuff and guess I kinda took bits and pieces from that.

More notes: An AU where the poor damaged teens of the musicals meet together after chatting over a trauma survivor forum, and Micheal recommends they hang out together and preform in this battle of the bands kinda thing. [Micheal is the drummer (cause that is George Salazar’s go to instrument), Jeremy does keyboard/piano, Connor knows most things with strings (specializes in Bass); Evan sings of course, Veronica plays electric guitar and sings; and Martha sings like a goddess.] This AU has a couple things, Connor, Martha, Jeremy, and Evan have all tried their hands at suicide (though no one yet knows that Evan did), everyone is a pretty adimate pot smoker (including Evan, though much less), Veronica refuses to say anything about the Heathers or JD (except to Martha because she kinda already knows). The squip did happen, but the squip squad didn’t.

Music I quoted:

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance

“Mad Hatter” by Melanie Martinez

“Waving Through the Window” from Dear Evan Hansen by Benji Pasek and Justin Paul

I take no credit in the music I quoted

TW: Anxiety, depression, past suicide attempts, scars both seen and hidden, drug use, panic attacks

Prompt: Underground

Evan’s Pov

Senior year was a wash, after the cast came off, the reminder of past failure was gone, only to be replaced with new desires. I hadn’t really found solice until the rumor spread that the “school shooter chic” Connor Murphy attempted with the same desires as me.

Though I was still reaching for a branch that had broken, I reached out to Connor, just to see if I could help. He resisted for a while, up until both of us got (regrettably) high and he finally dropped his psychopath façade

Weeks later our secret “more than friendship” relationship budded. Yet, even through that we still kept falling from our perches overviewing the world.

My therapist recommended these trauma forums, full of people facing the similar and sometimes more extreme things, like us. Connor thought it was stupid and depressing, until we found some fallen angels.

The first two went to a school a few towns over. One had fallen victim to this highly dangerous drug, he kept calling a “squip”; Connor tried looking it up , but nothing came up when we searched. His name was Jeremy and apparently his life and psyche was torn to shreds, by the squip. The other was his best friend, Micheal, how hadn’t even started recovering from the outward affects the squip caused. That and the stressors of severe social anxiety.

They were honestly pretty cool, once we got past each other initial damage.

The others were two girls, who lived and attended a school maybe an hour away. I really liked the first one we met, Martha. She tried jumping of a bridge to fix her bullying issues and unrequited love; it remided me of the attempt no one knows about. She was super sweet and very supportive. The other…..well, she had been thorugh a lot. Veronica S. had been caught up in an abusive relationship with a guy (she never said his name) who ended trying to bomb the school, among other things. Connor, dare I say was impressed and happily passed his title as “school psycho”onto the poor kid.

The six of us created our own chat and talked constantly. Micheal helped me with my panic attacks, I aided Jeremy with his. Connor curbed his drug use with long conversations with Micheal and Veronica and Martha gained support thorugh all of us.

We all admitted this was the closest to living friends any of us had besides the person they chatted with. We all yearned to do more than just hunch over phones and laptops.

It was May when the “boyfs” as they called it had a recommendation.

Lost Soul’s CHAT

Player 2: So do any of you play? Like instruments or sing?

Happily Never After: I mostly sing

The Damned: Pretty much any guitar

Player 1: Mikey you know I play

Player 2: sh, I know

Bonsai Boy: No, I can’t play or sing

The Damned: BULLSHIT

The Damned: He sings guys

Dead Girl Walking: I sing and play electric

Dead Girl Walking: Why?

Player 2: Because there is like a battle of the bands thing coming up. Wouldn’t it be bangin if we all met up and played?

The Damned: Like hell, you can’t make me do that.

Bonsai Boy: I guess it would be kinda cool. An excuse to meet everyone in person.

The Damned: ….damnit

Happily Never After: As long as you guys do it, sure

Player 2: Alright. I’m counting Evan and Connor (because he’s a weak star struck lover)

The Damned: Fuck off

Player 2: Jer and I of course, my drums are over here and Martha

Player 1: Veronica?

Dead Girl Walking: Why be the odd one out I guess…

Micheal went on rambling about time, place, and date, but I watched the chat unsure if this was a good idea….but who was I to object.

Veronica’s Pov

I shut the trunk to Martha’s little four door, after loading my small amp and light blue electic guitar. My best friend was waiting in the driver seat. Long gone was the unicorn sweater and plastic bead hair ties. After the JD/Heather incident, she stopped clinging to certain childish things, though our friendship stayed strong.

“Ready, V?”

“Yeah. Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“No, but I trust them. Besides, we can’t find a happy ending awful town.”

After her suicide attempt, she was hung up on the idea and possibility of “happy endings”. I didn’t mind, I thought about it too.

It was 9:45, Micheal said to met at some address by at least 11:20. We had an hour to go and Martha never drove very fast. She turned on FM radio and we “jammed” out for a while, maicheal was online making sure everyone go to the rendezvous point and I couldn’t help but sigh.

“Are you okay?”

“None of them, understand. Sure, they have their own damage, but they don’t know what I did. What it was like.”

“V, then try to give them a chance to understand. They probably understand more than you think. I know I did.”

I tired to smile, “What did I do to get a friend like you?”

“Saved me….a lot of people need to give you more credit.”

“Not really…..but thanks.”

We stayed quiet inly to sing something on the radio. After almost an hour, we pulled up to a one story house that matched the address.

“Is this it?”

Martha shrugged, “Maybe?”

We exit the car, afraid we just walked into a death trap, when someone pulled back the front window curtain.

“Brace yourself, Martha.”

The door burts open and a guy in an oversized decorated hoodie came running out.

“Veronica! Martha! I assume. I’m Player 2, aka Micheal Mell. Everyone else is inside. Come one.”

I grabbed my guitar and gaer and followed Micheal thorugh an empty house to a buzzing basement, and by that I mean the high of weed smoke was swirling through the air.

“Okay, ladies. Jerbear, Player 1,” Jeremy waved before taking a drag, “The Damned, the one and only Connor Murphy- dude don’t smoke my joint.” Connor flipped him off. “And that anxious ball over there,” Micheal said pointing to a bed in the corner, “is dear Evan Hansen aka Bonsai Boy.”

“I-I didn’t name m-myself that.” Evan stammered trying to smile.

Connor snickered, “Guilty.”

“When aren’t you?”

Micheal whips around glancing between the two of us, “Imma guess you’re Martha, you look to sweet to be meany Veronica.”

I roll my eyes and set my things down next to the accumulation of insturments in the corner.

“So what are we actually going to do here?” I ask.

“Well we should figure out what songs/songs to do.”

“Any of you say pop shit, “ Connor sneered, “You won’t live to see the end of it.”

“Connor, shut up.” Jeremy laughed.

Micheal grabbed the joint Jeremy was holding in his mouth and took a long slow drag. Evan spoke up,

“W-well it all depends on what we can play. Not that I can playanythingoramgoodatanything….s-s-orry.”

Connor jumps up, “First order of business, before we continue, everyone in this room is REQUIRED to take two hits.”

I shrugged grabbing Connor’s taking a couple and passing it to Martha.

“I actually can’t smoke because of my lungs.”

“You’re excused!” Micheal shouts.

All eyes turn to Evan, who is just staring at Connor.

“Um…no thanks.”

Micheal’s in on it now, “Come on Evan, from the stories on the forum, you can handle a couple hits.”

Jeremy’s cracking up, [passing over a fresh joint.

Even looks at it then Connor, “Uuuuuuuuuuh….fine.”

I was shocked to watch Evan take a few hits like a pro, then go back to playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Martha, “I whispered, “what have we walked into?”

Micheal’s Pov

After the initial introductions and getting Connor’s little bonsai boy to join in the fun, we got serious….or as serious as we could be after smoking a few of my precious joints. Evan nearly finished one by himself, after he finally loosened up. I started flicking thorugh music I owned, most of it being geeky video game openings, but I had a few.

“Okay so since we are all angsty and super dark, we have to put this on the table.”

I toss Connor my copy of the MCR score of “I’’m Not Okay”

“Fuck, Micheal. What are you some 15 year old white girl?”

“No, but you were once. Don’t lie to me Mr. Long hair-black nail poilish-all black attire.”

Evan laughed, followed by a quick apology.

Jeremy, looked over Connor’s shoulder, “Mikey, do you even remember how to play this?”

I skoff haughtily, “What do you take me for Jerbear? Watch and learn.”

I grab my sticks from my dresser and adjust the drums. I realized it ahd been a while since I played it.

“Don’t laugh.”

I start with little confidence, testing out how much I remember. I made it to the chorus before I forgot where I was.

“Shit, quick someone start singing it.”

Evan shook his head, but Martha was on top of it.

I’m not okay

I’m not okay~

You wear me out!

I keep up with her and I start feeling more comfortable.

“Jer, start playing.”

“But, I don’t know this/.”

Connor picked up his bass and started following along with the music. Veronica didn’t play, but she sang as well and Evan watched intently.

~I’m okay. I’m okaaaaaaaaaay

~I’m okay now (I’m okay now)

~But you really need to listen to me

~Because I’m telling you the truth

~I mean this I’m okay

Connor yelled out, “Trust me!” and we stopped to burst into laughter.

I wiped away tears, “So I guess that one is a possibility, but we should have more options.”

Veronica pulls out her phone and scrolls a bit.

“Any of you listen to Melanie Martinez?”

Everyone, but Connor nodded, Even gets up and wraps his arms around his angel of death.

“He does. He just doesn’t admit he does.”

“Jesus Christ Evan, you’re fucking high as a kite.”

Connor pushes him to the floor and we all sigh at him, as he breaks into a giggle fit.

Veronica clears her thought, “Well, what about Mad Hatter.”

Connor’s eyes light up….before quickly darkening. I nudge him, “You like that song, huh?”

“I don’t but my sister does.”

I pluck a string on his bass, “Show us whatcha got. Veronica, you mentioned it, so I assume you can play it?”

She shrugs and tunes her guitar.

“Do you know this one Evan?”

He’s still giggling on the floor, but he rolls on his back and nods.

“Alright stand up. Jeremy?”

“’Sorta. I can play the bit in the beginning.”

Veronica nods, “Alright. Ready Evan?”

Jeremy starts up the toy piano beginning and I man the bass drum, because you always need a steady beat. Evan snickers and takes a deep breath/

~My friends don’t walk they run

~Skinny dip in rabbit holes for fun

~Popping, popping balloons with guns

~Getting high off helium

The rest of us get confused or forgot the music by the end of the bridge, but Evan keeps going. His obvious boyfriend tries to get him to stop, but I nearly tackle him.

“Let him finish.”

We all watch as Evan sings like an adorable, anxious, angel. If I wasn’t in love with Jeremy and if Connor hadn’t snatched up the Bonsai Boy, I would claim him for myself.

The ending lyrics come and Evan tappers off. Ignoring our praise, he sighs and curls up next to Connor, finally giving into the tell-tale signs of being way too high.

“Geez, you guys are gay.” Jeremy laughs, while simultaneously playing with my fingers.

“You’re one to talk gaylord.” He shoots back running a hand over Evan’s back.

I tap my sticks together and check my phone, “It’s late, I was gonna offer to host you guys for the night, but it’s up to you guys.”

“I don’t care, pretty sure Evan’s Mom’s at work and I don’t give a shit about my parents.”

Martha, nods, “And I don’t like driving late at night, so I’m in. How about you V?”

“You’re my ride so….sure”

I squeeze out of Jeremy’s arms and pick up a small collection of post-it notes with numbers for take out and stuff.

“Alright, you guys pick what to eat, and if we agree I’ll get it. My treat….well and Jeremy’s.”

Jeremy chases me, “Yeah right.”

“Keep it down. Wake Evan and you’re dead.”

Veronica cackles, “Dude with how much he smoked he’d be lucky to wake up before 12 tomorrow.”

I run upstairs and snatch a kiss form Jeremy, “This is gonna be fun.”

#heather #veronica sawyer #martha dunnstock #connor murphy #evan hansen #dear evan hansen #be more chill #micheal mell #jeremy heere #pride prompt month #long post #i have a second piece

3 notes · View notes