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mnemehoshiko · 4 years

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STAR WARS INTO DARKNESS

A (Salt) Review of Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker.

Warning 1: All opinions are mine and no one (sadly) paid me for them.

Warning 2: I’m going to strive to be charitable as possible. Keyword, STRIVE.

It finally came. The conclusion to the Skywalker Saga, a nine film series starting with Shmi Skywalker and her lineage.

When we left the The Last Jedi; Finn was tenderly checking up on Rose who endangered her life to save him. Steadily finding his place in the Resistance and deciding that it was a cause worth fighting for. Ben Solo, also known to the galaxy as Kylo Ren, has just killed his life long abuser but failed to relinquish himself from the ties of the past. Rey was dealing with detaching herself from the idea that she needed to Be Someone in Order to Do Something only to realise that she, a nobody, was good enough. As Leia Organa said, we have all we need.

Cool right?

Yeah, just forget that movie. Actually, just forget like any development that occurred over the last two movies. Furthermore, turn your brain off. No, really please remove any kind of higher cognitive function and any knowledge of Star Wars beyond “pew, pew, pew” and “wOOO”. That’s literally the only way to truly enjoy this film.

This movie is a quest. A long big-budget multi-step fetch quest. Fetch quests are a common part of RPGs and can be enjoyable! Add to the narrative! Interactive. A movie that is nothing but fetch quest after fetch quest to the point that honestly, the first two thirds of the movie could have been dropped because it was so distressingly nonsensical.

Loose summary;

Ben Solo is on a planet. Being very very lorge and murking people left and right. Why? Because reasons. That this planet happens to be Mustafar and that he’s killing Vader Cultists evidently is not considered relevant. Even though Ben Solo introduction in TFA, which JJ wrote (with the assistance of Kasdan and Arndt), is basically as Vader’s #1 fanboy. But who cares about narrative information when you have sweet sweet red lighting and like a flight scene.

Anyway, Ben heads to Exegol because evidently that’s where the fancy schmancy totally Not A Holocron is directing him towards. In which he approaches some goth-esque temple with vats of Snokes. Yes, You Heard Correctly, Vats of Snokes. And Palpatine. Who’s just hanging on a crane. Just chillin’ and gleefully tells Ben Solo that he’s been every voice in his head since birth. So learning your abuser is still alive is totally dope. But hey, PALPATINE IS BACK! REMEMBER PALPATINE? ISN’T THAT COOL, yells JJ Terrio desperately trying to like Hype You Up And Remind You Of The Star Wars of Their Childhood.

Finn and Poe “I Have Literally No Purpose To Any of This Narrative and JJ Terrio is About to Fuck Over My Backstory” Dameron are getting data from a contact. For some reason a glorified dick-shaped Alien is there. Consequently, this is the same alien that replaced Rose Tico on merchandise. A reasonable person with minimal brain function would assume it’s because he plays a critical role in the plot. Remember what I said about thinking? Stop it. Klaud is there primarily for you to admire that JJ’s tentacle kink is Alive and Well and Thus Everything Is True (tm) Star Wars Again.

Rey is floating surrounded by rocks because That’s What Cool Jedi Do. Then she does a training course because after two films we have absolutely no proof that she has any fight training, according to Reddit and like JJ Terrio is trying to get Reddit to go to the Star Wars Prom with them. So, we need a training montage and Rey going to robo-Leia and saying that she will “earn [Leia’s] brother’s saber”. Why would she want to earn a grumpy curmudgeon who fucked over his only nephew and hid from his twin sister for years? Well, JJ Terrio dreamed of earning Luke’s saber and like what is the purpose of writing other than Wish Fulfillment.

Palpatine is back! Why? We don’t know and we don’t even know what he said because evidently it was decided that it belonged in Fortnite...instead of the film. Why? Here’s a lollipop and a pew pew to stop thinking sweetie. Either way he’s on Exegol and Rey saw notes scribbled in the margins that you need a Sith Holocro-- I mean ~Sith Wayfinder~ --because JJ has never seen Star Wars since he saw it in the theaters in 1983-- to get there. Which is on Pasaana.

WHICH IS HAVING SPACE BURNING MAN RIGHT NOW! (which happens every forty two years. Which is how long ago Star Wars Episode 4 Premiered. Remember fans! Isn’t that a Cool Thing To Drop? says JJ Terrio deftly skimming Reddit in order to gain fanbros love and affection and nostalgia boners.) LOOK AT ALL THE ALIENS DOING THE SPACE MACARENA! Because WOO DON’T YOU LOVE PARTY SCENES?

The force bond shows up and you can some how transfer stuff between the bond? Which like in the hands of another writer would be fascinating and engaging. Sadly, this is a JJ Terrio production and nuanced storytelling and dialogue is Fake and Not Star Wars.

Either way, Ben knows that they’re there and they are running from stormtroopers RIGHT INTO LANDO CALRISSIAN,-- remember him? goes JJ Terrio. You remember Lando right?. I do, I go. I’ve seen the movies and you’ve given no reason why Finn and Rey would know who the fuck he is seeing how he’s evidently been living as a hermit In The Same Outfit for over a decade. (BUT REMEMBER HIM, whines J.J. Terrio. Yes, I do. I SAW THE FUCKING OT JJ).

Anyway, more exposition occurs because JJ Terrio has no understanding how visual language works and it detracts from Real Star Wars Things Like - Space Chases - Pew Pew - Witty quips! because Witty quips! Are Important for A Star Wars, says JJ Terrio.

Nevermind that stormtroopers could fly since the Clone Wars and there’s literally no reason as to why Finn would not know this but like that would require you to give him

- a character arc - character growth - dialogue beyond “WOOOOO” and “REYYYYYY” (also side notes; it was depressing as fuck seeing Finn’s growth in TLJ to going beyond being Rey-centric to only spend the entire movie yelling a White Lady’s Name. I GO TO THE THEATRE TO NOT SEE REALITY, JJ.)

JJ Terrio: BUT HE’S FORCE SENSITIVE?? me, who’s been on the Finn is Force Sensitive Train since TFA: AND YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH IT AND IMPLIED THAT IT WAS ONLY REASON HE WAS ABLE TO FIGHT THE STORMTROOPER PROGRAMMING??? (i.e. this is really fucking gross eugenics shit pls stop JJ Terrio and like just stop)

*deep breath*

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yeah, Star Wars Into Darkness.

Either way, they find the Subtle Knife a Sith dagger? Along with force healing foreshadowing. But they have a dagger! Which They Can’t Read! But Threepio can! But He Can’t Say It Out Loud Because His Programming Forbids It.

And then the KoR, the galatic boy band, and Ben show up because of course. And they capture Chewie and put him on a transport.

Rey, of course, reaches out to Stop The Transport.

Ben, tries to stop her.

They to a back and forth that is similar to TLJ without any of the emotional build up of TLJ but that’s because JJ Terrio believes Emotions Are Not Star Wars.

And she lets loose LIGHTNING and makes the transport blow up and she believes Chewie is dead. Problem: Chewie isn’t dead. Which means she would be able to sense him in the Force. “But Mneme”, you say, “the Force isn’t like a GPS where you just Sense People.” That’s fair! Except....then...she does...when she’s on the Snow Planet. So like???

Either way, we have a Dagger that We Need to Read That Threepio Can’t Say Out Loud.

A Solution That Uses Braincells: well we know that the Millenium Falcon has three droid brains! So like we could just hook up Threepio to like the Falcon and transmit the codes and get some really great Easter eggs re: the Falcon and like the setup of the ship!

....

JJ Terrio: OR WE COULD GO TO THIS SNOW PLANET me: wha-- JJ Terrio: SNOW PLANET WHERE POE DAMERON RAN SPICE me: did you just make....your Only Latino Character Into A---Drug Runner JJ Terrio: REMEMBER HAN SOLO?? HE’S JUST LIKE HIM!!! me: pls stawp pls, I’m begging you stawp JJ Terrio: ALSO LOOK AT HIM FLIRTING WITH A GIRL SO HE’S LIKE OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT me: bi....people.....exist...like...that is...a thing JJ TERRIO: ALSO WE’LL SHOW U HER EYES TO SHOW THAT SHE’S HUMAN AND NOT A WEIRD ALIEN BECAUSE POE DAMERON IS A RED BLOODED AMERICAN LIKE REDDIT me: pls....stop...why....

anyway, he needs a memory wipe in order for it. Which is a really touching scene....or would have been if it wasn’t immediately retconned because like R2 has backups. So like whoo.

So that’s like *two* instances of fakeout death because like Nothing Is Of Consequence Because Star Wars.

Except Leia dying because fuck moms, say JJ Terrio. Moms are Not Star Wars. The Reddit bros have now started to return their text messages.

More busy stuff happens. Hux dies. I wasn’t able to thoroughly enjoy it because by this point I had A Headache from all the Pew Pew and Wooooo~~.

Ben tells Rey that like ~her power is Palpatines power because like How Else Can Rey Be Powerful.” Does this make any sense? Not at all but like Don’t Think Too Hard.

He also finally takes off his stupid helmet that was glued together by ~Sith Alchemy~ that they bought from Space!Michaels.

Rey is vaguely disraught but like She Finally Has A Purpose and the Reddit Bros are Appeased.

More shit happens. Does it matter? Not really.

They meet Jannah! She’s cool and has the exact same backstory as Finn. Because in Star Wars There Are Only (2) Backstories for black characters. They line up the dagger that is old as fuck with the death star wreckage. Which lines up exactly. Evidently erosion is Not A Thing.

Finn and Jannah and basically go, Wow Isn’t It Rad That Because We Have The Force We [Finn, Jannah and her crew] Were Able To Reject Brainwashing and Bounce Because We Have The Force.

Rey runs off and Finn yells “REY!!” at some point but at least he knows his best angles while he does it.

Rey meets Dark!Rey who’s a vision....for five seconds. Because Remember if Girls Go Dark They Have Sinned In The Eyes of The Force. Ben shows up and crushes the Holocron because I refuse to call it that stupid-ass name-- dear fucking lord his hand is big--and WELP I GUESS I HAVE THE ONLY ONE.

They fight because We Need A Light Saber Fight Except This One is So Lackluster.

Then Leia reaches out to do something that will use up all her strength says Maz. How does Maz know this? Idk but she’s played by Lupita N’yongo so at least it sounds Deep And Wise because That’s Why You Cast Black People...to sound deep and wise. =_= **deeper breathe**

Anyway, she reaches out to her son! Her son hears her? I think? Either way it distracts him which lets Rey impale him. Except then she heals him?? And is like, I wanted to take your hand, Ben’s hand. which like I’d be fine with if like the movie had like worked for it. But like That Would Involve Actual Conversations Between Characters and We Are Going At 34243242432 pps (parsecs per second) and thus DO NOT HAVE TIme For That.

Ben then has a rehash of the scene from TFA because JJ Terrio is a fucking hack and is unable to create original material and this would have been meaningful if like Any of the Emotions Had Been Earn in The Fucking Film. But hey, I felt .75 of an emotion when Han Solo cradled his cheek so I will accept this. Then he yeets his saber into the ocean. Because. Yeet. Sadly, this movie is Not Over and My Suffering Will Not End

Poe and Finn head back to base with Jannah because I guess that’s what we’re doing? They find out that Leia is dead etc etc etc. The Resistance has a Circle Planning Session for the Final Battle that JJ Terrio lifted straight from ROTJ and the Reddit Bros brought them a corsage for Fanbro Prom. I am reminded that ROTJ was better than this garbage that I Paid Actual Money To Watch. Rey heads to Fish Nun island and decides to pull a Luke Skywalker move even we learned from the Last Movie (TLJ) why that was a Bad Idea but you know WE GET TO SEE LUKE AGAIN IS A GARBAGE WIG BECAUSE REDDIT BROS AMIRITE? We get the most hamfisted performance out of Mark Hamill and I’m just like damn The Last Jedi as a fucking gift and a _Jedi’s weapon is important_ platitude like his dad wasn’t yeeting his saber left and right. But Who Cares About Canon When We Have Pew Pew Pew Pew.

Luke tells her that Yes He And Leia Always Knew She Was A Palpatine which like means - Leia literally did not learn from the Last Time She Obscured Someone’s Parentage and the Fall Out - Actively lied to Rey - Luke actively lied to Rey - jfc this poor girl has been aggressively lied by most of the authority adults in her life??? - HER PARENTS SOLD HER TO PROTECT HER which is such a fucking damning think along with the fact that her parents are idiots and like didn’t think to take her to the new republic and like THERE ARE 23432432 things wrong with this set up but that is a Whole ‘Nother Rant

Also evidently? Leia ended her Jedi Journey (which abbreviated as JJ, coincidence? I THINK NOT.) because she saw her sons demised but evidently....couldn’t sense her son being groomed by Snoke, creation of Palpatine and like this entire movie makes Leia look like an ineffectual idiot?? Like I was really hoping that Leia was going to be able to escape the “Fuck Mom’s” curse of Star Wars BUT I GUESS THAT BECAUSE THAT’S NOT ~true star wars~

Anyway, evidently Leia gave him her saber which I guess she made but no one decided to show that but instead some freakish CGI (that they swore they wouldn’t do) fight scene because like Leia Obviously Isn’t A Real Force User Unless You Use A Lightsaber. The Reddit Bros Nod Sagely. So Rey decides to go to Exegol.....using the Luke’s X-Wing. The Reddit Bros are weeping tears of joy at this point. The Resistance starts their FINAL ASSAULT! THEY HAVE SPACE HORSES RIDING ON A SHIP BECAUSE DOESN’T THAT LOOK COOL! FINN KIND OF USES THE FORCE. THEY DECIDE TO BLOW UP THE STAR DESTROYERS BECAUSE FUCK CHILD SOLDIERS AMIRITE (rip Finn’s Stormtrooper backstory that JJ constructed that He Couldn’t Even Be Arse To Complete or like Think Of Because Like That Would Be Nuanced Shit but like He Gets to - Jump Over Things! - Run! - Know His Angles - Yell desperately After A White Lady because ahahahahha fuck WOC when there’s white p*ssy on the line AMIRITE?)

Either way they’re in trouble and Poe is dismayed and is like yo i’m sorry we’re doomed. Because...that’s.....what generals do. Give The Fuck Up. BUT DON’T WORRY LANDO IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY BECAUSE EVIDENTLY WHILE THE GALAXY IGNORED LEIA ORGANA’S PLEAS, THEY LISTENED TO LANDO

(Crack theory: He hit up all his exes.)

Rey flies to Exegol to confront Grandpalps. Who never wanted her dead but to become Empress after spending 2.5 movies wanting her dead via puppet!Snoke. Also kudos to JJ Terrio to making a Sith Temple be so fucking boring and lackluster. That Took Skill.\

ANYWAY SHE SEES HER FRIENDS IN TROUBLE MUCH LIKE IN TLJ and in ROTJ but JJ Terrio really really loves his nostalgia and ROTJ was very very very formative evidently. She’s about to Strike Him Down In Anger And Absorb Grandpapa’s essence in order to save her friends but WAIT WHO IS THIS IDIOT RUNNING IN WITH NO FUCKING PLAN Yes, it is Ben Solo channeling his father. As carrying the blaster that Lando gifted to him in Aftermath but like we can only suppose that because who Needs Convos When You Have Pew Pew Pew~ His former Knights show up (who have also never spoken because hahahahah dialogue? Sounds fake. Also moment of Silence of Rian who kept them alive and used Praetorian guards in TLJ instead because he assumed that JJ made them for a meaningful reason because he was Unaware That JJ Was A Fucking Hack)

Anyway, Rey senses him! They do a super cool force bond moment that actually Pays Off and Rey hands off her saber to Ben. Through the force. It’s dope.

#BenSoloChallenge happens.

[In spite of like No Speaking At All, Adam Driver successfully channels the aura of Han Solo in spite of JJ Terrio desperately Insisting That Poe Dameron is Obviously Han Look He Even Ran Spice!!! Look!!]

Eventually they both stand before Palpatine Ready To Throw Down except in stand Palps leeches the lifeforce from them and then yeets Ben into a pit and Rey collapses.

THEN ALL THE JEDI FROM THE MOVIES AND CLONE WARS INCLUDE AHSOKA WHICH MAKES NO SENSE GIVEN CLONE WARS BUT WHAT EVER DON’T YOU FEEL VALIDATED!!! FANS!!! SCREAMS JJ TERRIO

me: no.

Rey pulls a Wonder Woman move because all you need to do to redirect Force Lightning is cross your light sabers. Anyway, that effort kills her (or like maybe not? Says Terrio in multiple interviews because men from Harvard Literally Never Shut Up.)

Ben somehow?? Climbs?? Out of the pit?? Under his own power because The Jedi Still Haven’t Forgiven the Skywalker Line for Anakin. Even though Anakin also reached out to Rey? I’m just assuming the soul of St. Maul of the Pit was yelling angry motivational speeches to get him out of the pit while St. Ventress adding sarcasm commentary comparing Ben and his namesake.

EITHER WAY HE’S OUT OF THE PIT! And is like in agony because Rey is uh in limp ragdoll mode so probably dead? We’re gonna go with dead.

He limps over to her because uh evidently getting yeeted into a pit is Not Good For Ones Health or Limbs.

Ben cradles her in his arms and at that moment I had to Apologize For Everyone I Dragged for Size Kink because Adam Driver is Fucking Large and His Hand is Fucking Huge and I, Mneme, Was Wrong You Are Valid.

*cough* where was I? Ah yes, he’s cradling her in his arms realizing she’s dead and I guess? Channeling the force to heal her. Which it does.

He’s happy! She’s happy!

She says “Ben” breathlessly.

AND THEN SHE SNOGS HIM LIKE THE AWKWARD VIRGINS THAT THEY ARE.

The Force realizes that a Male Skywalker is Getting A Boner and Goes Nope. And he just collapses and fades away at the same time that Leia fades away because ~symmetry~. Was a war going on? Uh maybe but like LETS NOT WORRY ABOUT LOGISTICS BUT INSTEAD CUT TO EWOKS!! WE ALL LOVE EWOKS RIGHT!! Rey flies back to Ajan Kloss. Poe, Finn, and Rey hug because this movie is almost over and they can stop trying to sell a non-existent trio created because JJ didn’t have the balls to let Poe stay dead in TFA.

Commander D’Arcy kisses her wife in the background but no one really notices and it was cut in Singapore but like JJ Terrio are Woke AF Y’ALL but not too woke because else they’ll get dumped by Reddit Bros.

No, we are Sadly Not Done.

LETS GO TO A SAND PLANET. No, it’s not Jakku it’s Tatooine~ DON’T YOU GUYS REMEMBER TATOOINE!! go JJ Terrio.

You mean the planet where Anakin Skywalker was a slave, Luke Skywalker desperately wanted to leave, and Leia Organa was put into that humiliated outfit? Yes. I remember.

REY’S HERE TO BURY LUKE AND LEIA’S SABERS HERE!! At the Lars homestead that is somehow intact....in spite of Jawas.

What wha-- why??, you may ask.

Well Luke never got to show Leia his home planet, goes JJ Terrio. Literally anyone who saw ROTJ.....they were on it in then?? JJ Terrio: i can’t see mariah carey dot gif

Rey also shows off her new lightsaber that was evidently crafted from her staff but we were not shown that on screen because like It Was Considered To Emotional for this Film.

Then finally some old woman passes by and is like Who are you? Rey: Rey Old Nosy Lady: Rey who? *Rey stares at the Force Ghosts of Luke and Leia looking like her parents* Rey: Rey Skywalker JJ TERRIO: SEEEEE WE DID REY SKYWALKER!!! AREN’T WE COOL me: she took the name of a grumpy old man who rejected her and whom she bounced off with his shit because he was being a dick....OKAY JAN

(ffs they could have let her take the name Organa but like Fuck Women amirite? *DRINKS*)

and yeah that’s it. Kid that was brainwashed as a child was reduced to going WHOOOOO every 5 seconds with no thought regarding his fellow stormtroopers who are still brainwashed.

Kid that was abandoned under the guise of ~love~ and sold to an abusive guardian and struggled and starved for years returns to a planet of sand and yes I know that she is probably going else where but that was a choice they made to have the last shot of her Alone with a Droid staring at the twin suns because JJ Terrio have been doing nothing but spraying nostalgia in my face for just under 2 and a half hours.

Kid who was actively groomed since childhood and only just now released from said clutches but lol can’t atone because he dead now.

Kid who lost her sister to the machine of war is pushed aside because she dared to exist.

and Poe.

The End of the Skywalker Saga y’all.

Bonus: “Uh, Mneme what about Rose?” She got exactly a 76 seconds that she acted her heart out in but evidently seeing a non-submissive Asian woman in Star Wars was too much for people last film so that uh Essentially Cut Her Out. Don’t worry they made sure to give her a quarter of a page in the visual dictionary and the Merry the Hobbit two page spread. So like Don’t Worry The Asian Girl Will Not Hurt You. “Mneme, what as the point of Poe?” Fuck, if I fucking know.

“Uh Mneme, the Only Reason Finn Didn’t Have An Arc Is Because of KYLE RON!!!!”

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

trust me, it really wasn’t.

#tros spoilers #mneme watches: TROS #Star Wars Into Darkness

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chipthekeeper · 3 years

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chip grades the star wars

by representation of women

Time for more unasked for and only mildly thought through opinions by me. Usually I rate with numbers but for whatever reason this one was easier to do by letter grades (American-style, sorry). I’ve been known to forget important shit so I reserve the right to totally change my mind once I remember or am reminded. Okay, worst to best with the women I can name/remember and not-so-brief explanations:

Resistance: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wish I’d kept watching this both times I’ve started. Seems like there’s some good women in it. But unfortunately still a male lead. Bleh.

Revenge of the Sith: D-

Crying Padme…………….Beru cameo….dead Jedi… -- This one is ROUGH. If I didn’t love the movie it would be an F. There’s literally one woman who appears for more than like 10 seconds and she gets murdered by her husband. Not a great look.

Attack of the Clones: D

Padme, dying Shmi, uhhh...Jocosta Nu…? -- Maybe could have been C level if they hadn’t made poor Padme look so insane in falling for Anakin AFTER he rants about slaughtering a bunch of innocent people for no reason.

Empire Strikes Back: C-

Leia…..randos in background -- If it was made today, Lando’d be a chick. Lando’d be Sana Starros. I wanna see that movie. Holy shit I wanna see that movie.

The Phantom Menace: C

Shmi, Padme, not-Padme, Yaddle? -- Really running the gamut in this one. We’ve got “everything” from Slave Virgin Mary to badass queen but also is-that-even-the-queen-or-is-it-just-her-decoy. If it was made today there’d be at least 2 lady pod racers so ahem, Lucasfilm get on it.

A New Hope: C

Leia, Aunt Beru -- I was very tempted to rate all the OT ones higher just because of how fucking wonderful Leia is and to be fair she is of course the best female character of the time in this type of movie. But…..come the fuck on. TWO women in a whole movie and one of them wasn’t allowed to wear underwear and the other gets literally roasted to a crisp??? Do better, George.

Return of the Jedi: C

Leia, Mon Mothma…..Jabba’s dancing girls? -- Same shit, different flick.

The Rise of Skywalker: B-

Rey, Leia, Jannah, Maz a little, Rose I guess, Jodie Comer, etc. -- Kinda don’t know what to say about all this. I had B+ at first but I feel like there was a lot of wasted potential. Outside of Rey (and Leia stuff I can’t talk about without losing it) there’s not much to look at here.

Rogue One: B-

Jyn, Lyra, Mon Mothma, Leia cameo, lady pilots!! -- Gonna get up on my soapbox and say that Mon Mothma is one of the most underrated Star Wars characters. I’d talk about Jyn and Lyra but then I might start cr--nope, I’m already crying.

Solo: B

Qi’ra, Val, L3-37 (absolutely counts), Enfys -- I absolutely LOVE every woman in this movie. Would be an A if half the big ones didn’t die :/

The Clone Wars: B

Ahsoka, Padme, Satine, Bo-Katan, various Jedi -- Had this at a C+ before I remembered there were more centrally recurring people than Ahsoka and Padme, BUT. One dies, one’s a part-time terrorist, and the others are just plug and play. Kinda still want to go B- but Ahsoka’s really carrying this shit across the finish line.

Rebels: B+

Hera, Sabine, Governor Pryce, Ketsu, Leia cameo -- I would die and kill for both Hera and Sabine. If and when they come to live action I will cease to exist.

The Force Awakens: A-

Rey, Leia, Maz, Phasma, various rebels -- It’s never not going to give me a chill to watch Rey pilot the Falcon or call the lightsaber to her past [redacted]. Never. I feel bad for every fanboy who hated it. They’re really missing out.

The Last Jedi: A

Rey, Leia, Maz, Phasma, Rose, Holdo, various rebels -- Physically pains me to give this such a strong grade when one of the things I loathe about this movie is the Rey + [redacted] stuff but I’m big enough to say it does a great job with basically everyone else. Except Phasma. Fuck you for that one, Rian. (also someone ask me about Holdo, I need to talk about her more than this)

The Mandalorian: A

Cara, Omera, Pelli, Fennec, Xi’an, Frog Lady, Bo-Katan, Koska, Ahsoka -- I mean holy shit. So many (hot) women. So many different kinds of women! This is the bar. Oh, if only one of them could be a real full-time character and not written off the show because she’s played by a trash person :(((((( (also, like,,,fucking name Frog Lady pls. Misty Rosas deserves that)

Bonus grade for canon SW books/comics: A+ -- Doctor Aphra, Sana Starros, Rae Sloane, Norra Wexley, Alphabet Squadron gals, Avar Kriss & other High Republic ladies, so many more -- On the whole, this is actually the standard. So many of these things have female leads and there’s absolutely no reason not to do that more on the big screen. I have no idea what some of my favorite Star Wars women are supposed to look like because they’re just stuck in books. Which is a great medium, don’t get me wrong. But they deserve more!!

#maybe this was just an exercise in making myself say good things about the sequels #idk #i need like...a real blog #star wars #rebels #clone wars #the mandalorian #star wars opinions #please talk back to me about this crap #my posts

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goddamnmuses-a · 4 years

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Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode I -The Phantom Menace

So.. I got the idea of writing my thoughts up as I go basically as they get to the Gungan city so.. i’ll try and remember my thoughts before that and then I’ll do it kinda live. Under the cut cus long.

Alright.. So the opening crawl was very.. politics which to be honest as i’ve got older I actually kind of enjoy that side of Star Wars but it doesn’t really add anyhting to the actual film because I think everything thats in it could be picked up by just watching the film.

I kinda like the battle droids.. weird soft spot for them. I like the big ship ones too and Droidekas i thought were the coolest shit ever when i was a kid and i stand by that.

I’m not all that bothered by the racial stereotypes because like.. i’m not the races they’re sterotyping but i can see why it’d be problematic.

Jar Jar isn’t as annoying as everyone makes him out to be.. don’t get me wrong.. he’s annoying.. but he’s not cancer.

Aesthetically the Gungan City is pretty cool, giant underwater bubble city.. i bet there’s cool fan art of it somewhere.

Alright now we’re live.. The duck things the Gungans ride are weird.

Do Gungans like JarJar eventually become the giant Green guy? .. I googled apparently they’re just two different races of Gungan despite looking like totally different Aliens.

It’s nice that all races are like “Life debt? Oh yeah thats a legit thing.”

Gungans speak like English or Common or.. i forget the Star Wars term.. Basic? is their second language.. but it isnt.

Yooo Qui Gon just made JarJar go to sleep using the force.. Why is Force Sleep not a thing in more stuff... gotta keep an eye out for that now.

Naboo is pretty.

Padme is so extra, she’s in her iconic red dress that’s already extra as fuck and then sees that she’s been captured and is like “Alright.. but first.. wardrobe change!” and then shows up in some black number. I’m not sure if at this point she’s actually Padme or if Padme is pretending to be one of her servants now but either way she had a costume change and nobody questions it so she must be having costume changes all the time.

When Qui Gon force pushes two battle droids theres a really weird sound effect that sounds like it belongs in a mario game.

Pretty sure Padme is the handmaid now and this new Queen should take the opportunity to be like “Yoo peace out bitches.” Then we get Keira Knightley’s adventures in Star Wars.

Also who was she before this swaparoo? Was she a handmaid and just suddenly got promoted to queen? Like she could be saying all sorts of shit. I know she gets revealed later on but think of how much she could do whilst Padme is away.

The first words ever spoken to R2 in Star Wars, chronologically, (although inderectly) are “Hello Boyos”. Just sit with that.

The first words spoken to him directly are “How rude.” which seems about right tbf with how sassy he is.

Darth Maul is awesome.

Keira Knightly or Sabe (I looked it up) is like “Yo actual queen, clean that droid!” i think she just wanted to feel more powerful than the actual queen there, little power trip.

Nice Poncho Qui Gon. Cal approves.

I wonder how long Padme took to convince the others to let her go off alone with Qui Gon and Jar Jar and R2 (Dunno why R2 joins them?) on a planet thats ruled by the Hutts

I kinda like Watto.. not as a person.. he just amuses me.

Kinda cool that Anakin can speak Huttese, wish he spoke it more often.. just cursing in Huttese as Obi Wan tries to teach him stuff.

“Are you an Angel.” Smooooth kid. Smoooth, you’re gonna get with her. Despite her being way older than you. They couldn’t have just made him the same age as her?

Toydarians should be used for more things, especially involving force users.

Anakin. The slave. Is like “Here Qui Gon, you’ll like this food.” and he’s just like “Cheers” and pockets it for later. Dude. Try it.

I really hope they do go into more High Republic stuff next, give me a Destiny-type game where you play as a Jedi with your mates.

Quigons like “You must have Jedi reflexes to race pods” Then he catches Jar Jars tongue in a blink of an eye and Anakins like “You’re a Jedi Knight aren’t you?” And Qui-Gon is like “What makes you think that?” ...? .. You just fucking.. God damn it Qui-Gon.

Anakin: “No one can kill a Jedi”. Palpatine: “Hold my Blue milk.”

I feel like im becoming fluent in Gungan broken basic which is worrying.

Anakins mom whos name i’ve literally just forgot is like “He was meant to help you.” ... bitch.. what? Why does nobody question that?

WHY DOES JAR JARS MOUTH MOVE WITH OTHER PEOPLES LINES!? ... Darth Jar Jar. #PlagueisTheWiseWasAGungan. I mean not rly but seriously.. that would have been a really cool plot twist.

Jar Jar got numbed and got his hand stuck.. so like.. perhaps not.. otherwise you’re playing a little too dumb mate.

The look of worry from Shmi, good stuff.

The two Headed announcer speaking basic and Huttese is pretty smart like, the one doing one and the other doing the other.

What the fuck is Clegg Holdfast?

What the fuck are any of these races? Like.. where are these races throughout the rest of the franchise?

Crazy that lightly bending that one part of the podracer can fuck it up so bad.

Who the fuck is that other Hutt? Oh yeah I’m watching the like updated version with Geroge Lucas’ “Fixes” in it. Probably should have said that earlier.

I cant remember if this is true but I’m pretty sure Qui-Gon knows Padme is the Queen and is just fucking with her at this point.

Man Pod Racing is cool, fuck whoever says it isnt.

Gimmie an updated Pod Racing ps4 game.

What the fuck is that long thin alien thats selling food to the crowd? Gimmie a Jedi version of him.

Havent commented in a while because i just kept watching it tbh.

Coruscant looks cool. Still want more High Republic stuff.

What the fuck is that driver alien, he looks in pain to exist.

“There is no civility, there is only politics” The Chancellor code.

Is it too late to call a vote of no confidence on Palpatine?

I see you there in the background Yaddle. Get it girl.

Fuck me the added extra of this long neck ass Jedi Master is so distracting.

Where Jaro Tapal at tho?

You’d think after Padme’s like “Surprise bitch it’s me” moment coming up the Jedi would be like “Well shit.. maybe we’re less aware of things than we think... Yoda.. are you just a short human painted green?”

Amedala... So extra with these outfits. I get that she’s a Queen but Jesus.

Eyyyyyyyyyyyy it’s ET.

Qui-Gon is such a bad boy.

I kinda get why Jedi take kids when they’re really young, so they can’t remember their parents so they aren’t constantly worried about their parents and then fall to the dark side... doesn’t make it any nicer though.

My vote went to Bail Antilles.

To be fair not training Anakin could have been very bad. He could have like gone even more Darkside and Palpatine could swooped in and trained him himself completely.

Maul is barely in this but fuck is he still cool.

You know what I don’t hate Midichlorians. They’re just like atoms that stick to certain people and thats what gives them access to the force, it doens’t really change anything it’s just a scientific explination.

You know what.. During the middle of the film, Jar Jar keeps his mouth shut and just lets people get on with it, that’s alright.

How old is Obiwan supposed to be in this film?

A little more variation in these creepy ass gungans would be nice.

Damn the Viceroy and the other guy are huge or Maul is smol.

Love that Gungan dindgeridoo horn thing.

I also love the giant bubble shields.

Are they watching a Star Wars battle tactics pc game on that screen?

Fuck The Darth Maul fight is badass.

I don’t buy Anakin at all, he wants to fly out there and get involved, the little shit.

Quigon doesnt even flip when he jumps, he’s just like “I’m too old for this shit.”

Yeah R2 is like “Go back” and Anakins like “Naaa fuck that”... Tut tut. Boys gonna be trouble.

The way Maul stalks back and forth the other side of that barrier like a Sith Tiger.. Good shit.

Aaaaand Quigon is dead. RIP.

“Now This is Pod Racing.”.. It’s not though is it?

Nice to have something blow up and actually have debris instead of just all being gone completely.

Anddd there goes Maul to go get robot spider legs and then be found by his bro Savage.

Why do you wanna bring balance to the force anyway if it’s currently so one sided favouring the light side? Surely bringing balance is a bad thing at that point.

Yoda’s already soooo old.

Alright so they know there’s a Sith out there and the guy is still just like right next to them and they don’t know. Tut.

That Jedi behind Mace Windu at the end looks intimidating as shit.

Padme, he’s a kid, calm yourself down woman. You predator.

Alright.. Film done. 10/10 Best movie ever. Naa tbh I enjoy the prequels more than most, obviously if you’ve stuck with me this long you know that but it clearly has its flaws.. still.. I enjoyed it! Feel free to ask me my opinions on specific things if you want. Also shamelessly gonna plug my two star wars muses Cal and Savage here, rp with me you cowards. Also I’m down to star wars verse any of my other characters, literally any of them, i have ideas for all.

#ooc #dan watches #dan reacts

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padawanlost · 6 years

Text

Anakin Skywalker & Slavery

Continuation of this post (a question by @ask-the-almighty-google)

Anakin, as a Jedi, had a unique approach to slavery. I’m aware this is a divisive topic with opinions ranging from “Anakin was worse than Jabba” to “Anakin did nothing wrong”. Instead of doing a “opinion piece” I decided it would be more constructive if we could look at the facts. My personal opinion will still be a part of this but today I’ll try to show more and talk less.

Anakin, as a child born in slavery, was deeply traumatize by his experiences and that certainly influenced how he look at it. His reactions to slavery were personal because it was something deeply personal to him. Anakin was wrong in not fighting for the clones but to expect Anakin to passionately the cause is unrealistic because he spend the previous 10 years old his life behind constantly criticized for that exact same behavior. He did want to save all slaves but the Jedi “beat” that dream of out him.

“Worried about helping Jabba? Don’t worry, everyone else is, too.” Anakin could never answer her. He tried not to think about it, but the thought was like a corris weevil, eating away at his resolve. The Jedi had never tried to rescue his mother or buy her out of slavery. Instead, they had taken him, given him this new life, but left her behind on Tatooine. He had just accepted it at the time, but now … now he knew how much power Jedi had, and all he could wonder is why she hadn’t been worth their time and trouble, too, if only to keep him happy. Not even Qui-Gon Jinn had cast a backward glance at Shmi Skywalker. As the months and years wore on, the question would not leave Anakin alone. He didn’t want to let resentment eat away at his fond memories of his old Master, but he couldn’t stop it sometimes. […]The Jedi Council had credits. Real wealth. Would it really have been beyond them to buy his mother out of slavery? Anakin accepted that some things had to be learned from the cradle. He was already full of attachment and emotion, too set in his ways of being a messy, ordinary human to adopt the aloof serenity—the unloving detachment, the arm’s-length and measured compassion—a Jedi needed. He did his best. Why wasn’t my mother worth saving? [The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss]

Why won’t they help me free my mother? It’s not fair! It’s not right! Countless times, Obi-Wan explained that every Jedi had to obey the directives of the Jedi Council, and could never use the Force for selfish purposes. He urged Anakin to consider how freeing one slave on Tatooine might lead to the deaths of others, as some slavers might prefer to destroy their “property” than release them from bondage. The Jedi also had to answer to the Galactic Senate, and for the time being, the Senate had little interest in anything that happened on Tatooine. Why do the Jedi have to answer to anybody? Anakin wondered. Despite Anakin’s desire to distance himself from the slave he had once been, he was unable, or unwilling, to shed the other aspects that had defined him on Tatooine. [Ryder Windham’s The Rise and Fall of Darth Vader]

This was a constant in Anakin’s years as a Jedi. every time he tried to bring up the subject he was told how wrong he was by these powerful and wise beings he so admired. Eventually he stopped asking. He buried his dreams.

When they'd met, Anakin had been a warm-hearted nine-year-old boy with an open nature. He was twelve and a half now, and the years had changed him. He had grown to be a boy who hid his heart. [Jude Watson’s Deceptions]

Slavery became a sore topic. Something he tried to hide at all costs. And, if possible, avoided thinking about at all costs.

Anakin regretted it as soon as he said it. He’d made it sound more as if he had some wild, dark past, and nothing was better guaranteed to keep Ahsoka asking questions than that. If he explained he’d been a Hutt’s slave, she’d dig away at it until all the bad stuff came out. It was hard enough telling Padmé, and she was his wife. [The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss]

I think he internalized and eventually blamed it all on himself. He admitted to himself he had a part in it too and that guilty ate away at him.

When the war was over he’d go back to Tatooine and see. When the war was over he’d buy any child he found enslaved to Watto and find them a home where they might live and love in safety. Belonging to no one but themselves. I should have done it before now. Wasn’t that my other childhood dream? Become a Jedi and free the slaves. Instead I became a Jedi and let myself forget. Let them convince me that it’s not our job to remake the Republic. The Jedi were keepers of the peace, not legal enforcers. That was the Senate’s job. How many times had he been told that? He’d lost count. But the Senate was falling down on the job, wasn’t it? What was the use of having anti-slavery laws if the barves who broke them never paid for their crimes? It was enough to shake his hard-won and harder-kept faith. If scum like Watto and Jabba and the other Hutts kept on making their fat profits on the backs of living property—and if the Senate continued to turn a blind eye—how could anyone believe in the Republic? How could he? [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Anakin wasn’t sure how he’d react when he saw Watto again. Although his former master had been kinder than other slave owners, Anakin had always resented the fact that Watto refused to free his mother. Watto isn’t entirely to blame, Anakin mused, wondering just how hard Qui-Gon had tried to liberate Shmi. Slavery is allowed here, and Watto is just a businessman. [Ryder Windham’s The Rise and Fall of Darth Vader]

There are credits in slavery—and credits trump justice. Always have. Always will. And the Jedi? They didn’t want to get involved. Even Qui-Gon … So I guess it’s up to me. I failed my mother. I didn’t go back for her and she died. But when the war is over I’ll make good on my word. I’ll fight slavery wherever I find it … and there’ll be no mercy for those who steal lives. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Jabba grew fat on the misery of beings like Anakin’s mother. He’d probably taken a percentage of the very transactions that had kept Shmi Skywalker in slavery. And still I have to save his son. Because we need his goodwill. His space lanes. The idea stuck in Anakin’s throat like a splintered nuna bone. The pain was palpable. [The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss]

He buried it so deep he became a Jedi. on the surface, he was very much a Jedi (not as dismissive of slavery as the detached Jedi but still unwilling to face the full reality of the situation). However, it still hurt him.

Anakin wondered whether it was expedience, simple logic—both he and Kenobi spoke Huttese and were experienced in covert missions—or some exercise in character building. Yoda knew Anakin’s past, that he and his mother had been slaves of a Hutt. Jabba raked off a cut from the slave trade, too, so he was personally connected to Anakin’s boyhood misery, and even his mother’s ultimate fate. Callous didn’t begin to cover it. Anakin’s instinctive reaction would have been to tell Jabba that it was too bad and that people you loved got killed all the time. [The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss]

Again, he buried his feelings and thoughts because that’s what the Jedi taught him. when the Clone War begins, that’s what he does. He buries everything. It’s a result of his traumas and his jedi upbringing. But let me you, Anakin did care about the clones. No, he did not fight for his rights or recognized their status as slaves but this idea that Anakin didn’t care about the well being of his men is as fanon as fanon gets.

I know this is a contraction hard to grasp. I mean, how can’t some fail to notice someone is a slave, keep them enslaved and still care about their life and grief for them? sounds impossible, right? But it’s not. These kinds of contractions are what makes us humans, what makes great characters great. How can Obi-wan love Anakin and still cut of his limbs and leave him to burn? He is human. This is not a simple matter that can be summarized with a simple right or wrong answer.

It’s not darkness. I’m not dark. This isn’t anger— It was okay; they’d always told him so. He was fighting to save his men, and if he did terrible things out of compassion, out of love, then he wasn’t turning to the dark side. That was the Jedi way. For my mother. For my men. For Padmé. [The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss]

Impatience. Concern. Relief. Loneliness. Weariness. And grief, not yet healed. Such a muddle of emotions. Such a weight on [Anakin]’s shoulders. Months of brutal battle had left [Ahsoka] drained and nearly numb, but it was worse for Anakin. He was a Jedi general with countless lives entrusted to his care, and every life damaged or lost he counted as a personal failure. For other people he found forgiveness; for himself there was none. For himself there was only anger at not meeting his own exacting standards. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Under [Anakin]’s careless confidence, she sensed a hint of that unhealed grief. The loss of greenies Vere and Ince during the Jan-Fathal mission … the loss of other Torrent Company clones since then … his pain was like a kiplin-burr, burrowed deep in his flesh. Anakin had a bad habit of nursing those wounds, and no matter what she said, tactfully, no matter what Master Kenobi said without any tact at all, nothing made a difference. He hurt for them, and always would. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

[Anakin] looked at Ahsoka. “Fine. You can go. But I want to be kept informed of Torrent Company’s status. Don’t make me chase you for updates, is that clear?” She managed to smile. “Yes, Master. Thank you.” “And Ahsoka …” He felt his heart thud. “Tell Rex—tell all of them—that anything less than a full recovery is unacceptable. Tell Rex I—” He had to stop. Obi-Wan was in earshot, and they were not supposed to care so much. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

[Anakin] hit the cockpit canopy switch, fast. “Obi-Wan’s fine, more or less,” he told the anxious droid, firing their fighter’s thrusters. “Ahsoka’s pretty banged up, though. So are Rex and Coric. They’re on their way to Kaliida Shoals.” R2’s mournful whistle said everything Anakin couldn’t … or didn’t want to. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Rex. Coric. Ahsoka. And fourteen dead pilots. Scores more dead and wounded ground troopers. Why can’t we stop this? Why can’t we catch Grievous? Dooku’s only one man. How can he defy the entire Jedi Order? Who is his Sith Master? Why can’t we find him? Day and night the questions ate at him. They ate at Obi-Wan, too, but somehow his former Master seemed able to live without knowing the answers. Or else he was just better at hiding his dismay. His fear. [Karen Miller’s Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Anakin did ask himself questions but over 10 years of being told he was wrong does take a toll. And we need to remember Anakin was 19 years old kid pushed into a war by his superiors. A lack of self-analysis, a narrow view of the world and political nativity comes with the package. Anakin *is* concern about slavery but he is a flawed person with his own blind spots. It’s the famous cognitive dissonance we all know so well.

I’m not saying Anakin is right but deference is an important part of the character. Anakin cannot be the sort of person who is too aware of what’s going on around him or else he wouldn’t turn into Vader. He had to be written this way to explain why Vader exists. If Anakin had questioned the Republic’s slave army he wouldn’t have become the Vader knew from the OT. He had to be kind of guy who blinds follows his superiors even against his own self-interest.

#ask-the-almighty-google #ask #anakin skywalker #clone troopers #sw meta #sw quotes #meta: anakin #gffa slavery #gffa politics #jedi order #long post #txt #meta: clones #jedi politics

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