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itzynabi · 2 months

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warnings: mention of suicidal ideation

an: this was posted on the 4th of april, 2024

ITZY’s Nabi vs JYP Entertainment: Full Breakdown of Second Day in Court

It was heavy

On April 4, ITZY’s Nabi’s lawsuit against JYP Entertainment saw its second day in court. Both Nabi and JYP Entertainment’s CEO, Jimmy Jeong, were present.

JYP Entertainment opened the trial by calling forth a witness, Witness A, one of the staff members that worked with Nabi on her first full album until spring. The lawyer asked Witness A a few questions about what it was like to work with Nabi, and the staff member alleged that Nabi would show attitude to some staff members, wouldn’t have manners, and would ignore staff members. He went on to say it made working on the album very hard as he had to communicate through her manager.

Nabi’s lawyer was then given time to question Witness A and she did not hold back! She started by asking a few questions about what he does in the company and the specifics of his job. Witness A explained his job in detail and then Nabi’s lawyer asked him if he had ever had lunch with Director Park Dakho, to which he denied. Nabi’s lawyer then pulled up text messages between the witness and another staff member, where they were talking about a lunch they had with Director Park.

Staff Member A: Isn’t it a bit weird how Director Park told us to stall the album? I thought he wanted Nabi’s album to make him a lot of money

Staff Member B (Witness): Yeah, but doing that will get us money so………… Let’s do it enthusiastically!

Reporters said the witness started stuttering over his words and looked to JYP Entertainment’s lawyer for assistance. Luckily for him, that was the only question Nabi’s lawyer had. Unfortunately for him, everything he said beforehand was brought into question as he had been easily proven to be a liar. The witness was allowed to go back to his seat and Nabi’s lawyer called their witness, Nabi’s therapist.

Nabi’s defence team focused on how her treatment at JYP Entertainment affected her mental health, something she has expressed struggling with. Nabi’s therapist, Witness B, worked with her before she debuted, then they stopped having sessions because Nabi was feeling better and was too busy to go to therapy, then they started seeing each other again in early 2022. Witness B commented how because Nabi was very busy, they had been unable to have sessions, instead resorting to messaging each other and sending each other voice messages. Nabi’s lawyers asked Witness B to give a basic summary of Nabi’s feelings.

“Everytime Nabi has periods of time where her life consists of just working, her mental health takes a dip. It happened in 2021 and 2022. Nabi is a very sensitive person, her emotions are very strong. When she’s sad, she doesn’t just feel a slight sadness that she can get over, she’s consumed by the sadness to the point she doesn’t remember a time she was happy. The same thing happens when she’s happy, angry, insecure, and stressed. She can have five panic attacks in one day because of how overwhelmed she feels. She’s not someone that responds well to being spoken to sharply.” — Witness B

Nabi’s lawyer presented the idol’s diary as evidence, asking Witness B to analyse what Nabi had written. Most of the diary entries were of Nabi expressing her anger, hurt, and hopelessness. In her diary, Nabi said she was “sick of the whole thing.” Witness B mentioned that most of their texts the past few months had been about how to manage her feelings regarding the situation she was forced into, adding that Nabi often expressed that she felt like a zoo animal meant to perform tricks on command. A particularly worrying diary entry of Nabi’s was shown.

“what to say…………… death sounds okay. i hope something bad happens to me so i dont have to perform. sorry to the staff members that spent so much time on this but like at the end of the day this isnt worth it. i wonder if death would be kinder to me than this hell. i hope it would be. one day i’ll find out. but not soon. maybe” — Nabi’s diary entry

Witness B confirmed that she had spoken with Nabi about such thoughts, the two even called each other to talk about it in depth, the session ending with Nabi feeling slightly better. Nabi’s lawyer ended by asking what Witness B thought would be the best conclusion for Nabi, with Witness B saying, “I think if Nabi stays in JYP Entertainment, it could be very dangerous. Not only would her mental state get worse, but the treatment she had to endure could get more volatile. If she stays in JYP Entertainment, there could be unfortunate news within a few months.”

Nabi’s lawyer ended her questioning there, giving JYP Entertainment’s lawyer a chance to question Witness B. They started by pointing out that contrary to what had been discussed, Nabi looked very relaxed, but she refuted that by saying, “Nabi isn’t relaxed. She’s protecting herself. That relaxed composure you see is a trauma response, her mind has shut down to protect her.” JYP Entertainment’s lawyer then asked of the stability of Nabi’s memory, with Witness B saying, “Because of Nabi constantly dissociating, there are many blanks in her memory. There are some days that she has absolutely no recollection of because her brain is trying to protect her, but she remembers how she felt on those days.” JYP Entertainment’s lawyer asked if that could not mean that Nabi’s diary entries were to not be trusted since she might not have remembered what happened, but Witness B mentioned that Nabi made those entries in the moment she was experiencing those situations.

Reporters noted that throughout this exchange, Nabi stared blankly ahead of her, playing with her fingers. Throughout the court proceedings, Jimmy Jeong allegedly looked to Nabi with an apologetic expression.

Witness B was allowed to go sit down and both sides’ lawyers were allowed to make their closing statements, starting with JYP Entertainment.

“As an agency, JYP Entertainment has tried to ensure the safety and comfortability of its artists. They cannot be held accountable for the actions of the employees.” — JYP Entertainment.

Nabi’s lawyers then made her closing statement.

“JYP Entertainment may not be accountable for the actions of their employees, however they are accountable for their artists’ safety. JYP Entertainment failed to make sure Kim Nabi felt safe and they failed to protect her, instead actively working to shield the perpetrator of her abuse. If they really cared for their artist, wouldn’t they let her leave without a fight?” — Kim Nabi.

©️ kim nabi

#ficnetfairy #itzy 6th member #itzy sixth member #itzy oc #itzy addition #itzy added member #itzy extra member #itzy member au #itzy imagines #kpop oc #kpop addition #kpop added member #kpop extra member #kpop au #kpop imagines

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roastedpepper · 11 months

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at the end of this month itll be a year since i moved to ny. i have not taken more than 2 days at a time off work since december 2021, maybe longer? im not as interested in casual sex and going out as i was last summer and also feel just generally unmotivated and sad and sleepy and bloated most of the time, despite eating better and exercising more and spending more time outside...i think getting covid twice in the winter did kind of permanently impact my mental/physical health and i never fully came back from that so im looking into therapy again to see if that helps :// on the plus side i feel relationships STARTING to deepen even tho i still feel really lonely and isolated a lot of the time. i have to keep reminding myself that it takes a long time to build consistent and meaningful friendships and the ones i have with people that dont live here also developed over years and i can and will find that again if i stick it out. there is so much i love about the city itself and still get that exhilarated feeling walking/biking around and visiting parks and new neighborhoods but i dont feel like im living life to the fullest or taking advantage of everything this place has to offer because im STILL SO CRUSHINGLY DEPResSED LOL. im starting a new job at a rooftop farm this week! i volunteered in a garden where my friend works and remembered that is a critical piece of who i am! im consistently seeing a friend who is very sweet to me and we are going at a slow pace that feels comfortable and not overwhelming for the first time in my life! i am not in love and im ok with that! ive (somehow) saved money! there are a lot of books i want to read and stores and restaurants i want to visit and museums i want to explore and bike paths in the bronx that i want to traverse. i want my life to look different but im not sure what that means yet. i dont feel the urge to leave after this year but i havent decided whether i want to stay forever. resenting being 25.

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drakinq · 2 years

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101622

So I officially have 2/3 goals completed before turning 25. I got a new job and I have therapy on Thursday. As I'm waiting for the extra money to start rolling in, I figure its now time to start back dancing again, even though I'm still settling into this new phase. I want to dance for birthday have the dust knocked off and back to where I was growth wise. I have two early days this week as well as adding dance and this new job but I'm committed to staying on top of my business. Other than that theres not much going on. I dont plan on talking to Jimmy any time soon and I'm just not worried about my lack of support anymore because I'm so focused on being that support for myself. As I come back to dance I'm ready for a total makeover. I want to be a completely different dancer than I've ever shown before and be committed to her completely. I know that this is where discipline and consistency is about to come in today but I just feel like nows a better time than ever. I'll go deeper into this when I get more settled into this phase. Right now I'm proud of where I'm at and its pretty easy to trust that God is going to work everything out for me.

#drakinq

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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Hi bestie ur screaming post is hitting different 🙃 I feel like ive been trying and trying and begging for help, trying to recover trying to be better struggling through spotty and bad therapy and doctors who literally don't listen and very little support and it doesn't really work that well and and everyone around me who's struggling gets help and support so easily like maybe I'm the problem?? It's such a bitter way to think but sometimes I just can't help it because I can't help but notice and I just dont know what I'm doing wrong. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that, you deserve to be heard.

me too….IDK what im supposed to do. it’s so hard. like you said asking for help is difficult. and not getting consistent or effective care is difficult. and you’re just wasting money you don’t have trying to get better while only getting worse. it seems like more i try to dig myself out of this the deeper i fall into it - it’s so exhausting. people just keep telling me to talk to someone or to keep going but that’s what ive been doing for fucking ever. and things have become really unbearable now. nobody listens to me. if people had listened to me in the first place i wouldn’t be in such a hopeless situation but nobody did and they never have. i think im just at a really severe point now where im just waiting. and i miss my sister a lot honestly - nobody cares about that or the ptsd. i just can’t function, and i think i should stop attempting to. anyway in regards to your circumstances - i don’t think it’s that you are the problem - though i understand feeling that way. usually because of mental illness, not because it’s the truth. it’s just that we all have a very surface level perception of other peoples lives so it seems like they’re just breezing through finding support and making progress when actually it’s genuinely an uphill battle for almost everyone. there’s nothing wrong with you. you’re going through something that is unimaginably hard. you haven’t done anything wrong by simply trying, and trying was always the right option to choose. the absolutely shit thing about therapy is that sometimes it takes ages to find a professional you are truly compatible with who will actually hear you out. so many people are just idk - bad at their jobs. and i think you have every right to be bitter. it’s not your fault and it’s never going to be. you deserve to receive the treatment you need and you deserve to build the life you want no matter how painstakingly slow that process is. the fact that you want to recover in the first place and that you’ve been chasing it is a really fucking good sign. im proud of you and i believe in you. also, thank you angel. u know i appreciate that. sending love 💕

#anon

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leniinero · 2 years

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5:18am 1/23/2022 99 Luftballons-Nena Mood: Pensive **As a 15 some year user of LiveJournal, I tend to update my blogs here as such* I tried 4x to update this blog (see last post) and Im at half a mind to just start a new blog to keep more personal because as that was the original intention job nof this one, I've unfortunately let myself open. I can no longer continue to do that. But here I am. I've been trying to be consistent with keeping this blog updated, if anything for posterity. I've been so busy attempting to work on my mental health and then with school and my hand I haven't had time to process that I've already been back home a month. It seems like less, but sometimes more. It looks and feels so different from when I left 7 years ago. I left July 2014 with a broken heart, no money, broken trust, and no stability. Of course minor work experience. I moved to Virginia with the only plan in mind was to finish school so I can go to college, my lifelong dream was either in NY or LA, I knew that, but for the time being I had to stay in VA, until I at least finished school and got some kind of tech degree. (about 2/3 years). Seems like something right? I did the opposite. On top of that, The support system I should of had turned out to be a dud and that's me putting it nicely. I didnt have anyone to talk to, turn to or confide in. I ended up paying therapy for nothing and had no stable place to live the entire time I was there. The only upsides I had was a little girl I met at a job I had named Layla and my dear friend Chloe. (Eventually I got my cat Nala, that was my only upside in the last few months I was there) I left Virginia because I had no choice, I was living in a raggedy ass motel that's probably older than my parents surrounded by drug dealers, ex-cons and trash. Guys, this is the part of my celebrity memoir that's gonna make it a best seller. On top of that, my landlord was an 80 something year old man who'd constantly sexually harass me and had me cornered in his room, in the kitchen and in well...everywhere and dont get me started on the bed bugs. I moved to Texas as a last ditch effort to get my shit together....and 3 years went by and all I did was become more depressed, raggedy and do nothing but work for nothing. Cause the money I made even with 2 raises was trash. Then they cut my hours for the dumbest reason (which I still dont believe) and I spent 4 months doing what? Working part time and never catching up with anything, I didnt even have time to organize my paperwork and properly explain before I left. They seemed genuinely sad to see me leave, yet since I've been gone they've been acting shady and claiming they dont owe me OT when they know damn well I used to come on weekends and stay after 5pm for like 2 yrs at least. I still havent gotten my last paycheck. And like I said, it's been over a month. Cant even call the clinic. cause you'd think, a medical facility, would have their phones ON. Ok, now Im mad. I'll be back. 10:08am

#leniineropersonal

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uncloseted · 3 years

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i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

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kingneptunesthinninghead · 3 years

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In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? i love me some mcdonald’s fries.

Are there hurricanes where you live? they happen every once in a while

What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. same

What song are you listening to right now? nothing but catch fire by 5sos is stuck in my head.

What was your first concert? brad paisley 🤠.

What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? willy wonka and the chocolate factory

Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. probably same

Do you like pumpkin pie? it’s about the only pie i DO like.

Do you know anyone named Austin? no one i like

Do you know anyone who is having a baby? my friend just gave birth to a baby about a week ago

What was the last thing you cried about? i cried in the car on the way home from work last night while listening to jet black heart lmaooo.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? i dont drink milk.

Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. agreed, i’m conflict avoidant to a fault

How many deep dark secrets do you have? i dont think i have any

What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? the hot wings from bonchon were pretty f’n spicy

Who last called you sexy? i dont remember

Would you class yourself as a good role model? i think for the most part

Are you scared of the dark? sometimes i am

Do you have a motto? nah.

Who did you last see on webcam? my club committee from school

Do you need a haircut? i just got one about a month ago so not atm

How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? that would be impossible considering she’s in menopause and has her tubes tied

You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? no one i hate facebook

Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? most of the time alone but sometimes i’ll exercise with my sister or in a structured workout class

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? any bc i suck at video games

Ever watch the show Supernatural? nope

Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? i’ve heard of it but never tried it

Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? i went thru hardcore icarly and victorious phases, also LOVED spongebob

Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? sometimes i’ll do bacon on mine

When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? the length of a book has never deterred me from reading it, ever.

Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? maybe

Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? not to toot my own horn but me

Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? no

When is the last time you cried? didnt i already answer this

Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? mm prob not

What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? i guess marvel and space would count

Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? no but i’ve attended several weddings of people who have quickly divorced

What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? raising them to be a good well adjusted person.

Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? prob not

Would you ever be a surrogate mother? nope

What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? i would love having that strong of a bond with someone and having someone to go thru life with but i would also feel like i never had anything that was truly mine esp in early childhood

Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? my childhood was great compared to a lot of peoples and i’m extremely thankful for that

How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? i would feel betrayed that i’d lied to for 20 years

Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? not that i know of and again i would feel crushed and betrayed

Do you like cleaning and organizing? when i’m in the mood for it

How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? i would definitely be upset bc i want to have at least one biological kid but in the end i would find just as much joy from adopting a child and giving them a loving home.

Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? it depends on what other factors are in my life at the time

Have you ever been robbed? no

Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? my friend at college and that’s not even a joke that’s genuine. i think he’s getting the help he needs tho which is good

Have you ever dumped anyone? no

What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. same it tastes like dish water

Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. same

What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? omg i still remember this bc i was blown away by how sweet it was. so in 9th grade i had one friend in my pe class and idek how we started talking but we just stuck by each other bc we didn’t have anyone else and we sat at our own table right by the teacher’s desk in health class and we actually became pretty close friends throughout the year well anyway i mentioned my birthday was coming up and she asked me what i wanted and i was like no you don’t have to and she was like do you want flowers and i was like sure why not and i didn’t think she was gonna actually do it but then on my birthday she shows up to health class with these beautiful purple flowers and i was so shocked that she actually got them for me so yeah i’ve never forgotten that ever. she moved away after that year and i never saw her again but i hope she’s doing well

What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? straight but i have questioned before.

Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? nothing too wild

Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: bored, content, excited

And the reasons for these feelings? bored bc i’m at work, content bc i like the way my life is going rn, excited bc i get to go back to school and see all my college friends soon.

How do you feel about your life right now? pretty pleased at the moment

Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? no. it’s a conscious choice to like yourself that you have to make everyday and some days that choice is easier to make than others

What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. agree with this, i’m very good at english and i understand some science

What subjects do not? MATH

Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? fiction but sometimes i like a good non fiction book.

How has today been for you? pretty good nothing too exciting

What did you do? watched tv and went to work

Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? no

Are there any lava lamps near you? nope.

Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. agree i have 4

Are any of your friends a pothead? yes, several

What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? start working out consistently again and get into therapy.

Are you a high maintenance person? nope

The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? i was at a karaoke night

Have you ever been heartbroken? yep

Who did that to you? my ex crush

Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? ohhhh yeah

The last type of sandwich you made or ate: a ham and cheese sandwich with pepperoni and mayo

The last time you spent most of the day in bed: when i was at school and i had stayed up until 6am the night before.

The last friend or acquaintance you made: my coworker

The last thing you took pictures of: a rainbow

The last time you were scared: when i thought a car was following me the other night

The last thing you looked up online: manic panic hair dye.

The last thing you disagreed with: i don’t remember.

Does your house have a separate laundry room? yep

Do your parents still help you financially? yes, a lot

Does your car have a backup camera? nope.

Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? not to where they’ve been arrested

Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? my childhood cat lived to be 18 which was pretty impressive.

What was the last strong scent you smelled? my cat’s fart

Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? no way

Is your bed against more than one of your walls? nope

Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? um yes some people i know have dilfs i’m sorry

Have you ever pole danced before? no

Have you ever broken into someone’s house? no.

Have you ever seen a live bat? yup at a beach house in the obx

What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? i bought bonchon for my friends and i one time which was just about $100

Have you ever taken a woodshop class? no

How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? as little time as possible.

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? i had one math teacher in high school that consistently made me feel dumb bc i needed extra help to understand the concepts and couldn’t do mental math that fast so didnt like her

Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? closest i’ve been was second row

Are your parents supportive of you? yep

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butter--they-them · 4 years

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I have so many dreams that never came to pass, I have so many aspirations I failed to accomplish.

For some of them, it was a matter of class. While undeniably I come from a place of privilege, there were so many things that were out of my price range. I had to quit swimming at 8 because we couldn't afford it. I've been ice skating twice in my life despite loving it. I had to stop trampolining when I was 10 after the neighbours broke our shitty trampoline and we had no hope of replacing it. I never worked up the money to afford music lessons- hell, I had so little exposure to music that i didn't even listen to music (ever) until age 11 when I got internet access for the first time. My parents didnt have the time nor money to take me to any kind of team sport consistently other than the failures already mentioned. I keep thinking I need to get a job soon, though I doubt my ability to find one, so I can finally begin these things. But I also worry it's far too late.

For others, this is completely my own failing. My constant anxiety and hyper fixation on my every failure has prevented me from being able to dedicate myself completely to any one craft. I should've worked on my mental state more- I should've been a better person. But I didnt, and i wasnt. I wasted so much time worrying about being a failure that I became one.

It was my own self destructive tendencies that lead to my poor mental health. It is my own paralyzing fear that prevents me, to this day, from seeking mental health help. It is my mental health that has prevented me from flourishing academically and socially. There are a lot of ways that I've done this to myself, and a lot of ways this was done to me.

But the reality remains. I currently have no marketable talents, other then perhaps my slightly above adverage art and academic skills. I have no passion for anything I do. I am mentally Ill. I've refused every coping mechanism offered to me for my learning disability out of fear. I have no job. I have no money. I have no social skills, nothing to offer, and no more dreams I can pursue. How I got here has no functional meaning, what matters now is what I do next.

What can I do next? Find a job I'll hate? Maybe. It would give me the thing I lack the most- money. Right now I can't afford clothes, at 17 I'm still completely reliant and dependent on my parents- a job has the potential to solve that.

But what then? To acquire any kind of disposable income, I'd need to work a lot. I'd have to spend most of my time on it, and generally a mentally Ill person with no social skills doesnt have much energy- I doubt I'd have time to achieve any of my lesser dreams, forgotten in my lack of funding. But I feel like I'm making excuses here. I feel like the loss of freedom, and losing what little passion I have left, is an excuse. I feel like the real problem is my hatred of interaction.

I dont even let people touch me. I hate talking to people- it's been known to give me panic attacks. I despise calls or emails or texts more than I am disgusted my face to face interaction- I dont even know if I'd get far enough to apply.

I'm not where I need to be mentally in order to get a job and not buckle under the pressure, as pathetic as it sounds. Reading this back to myself, I feel spoiled. But I need a job soon. If I keep letting my mental health rule my life, I'll have to face homelessness in the next few years.

So, that means the next step would logically be fixing my mental health. But the thing about mental health is that the hardest thing is often getting help.

The thought of getting help, which i can do for free if I wait a number of months, sickens me. I distrust then beyond belief, and it can often be a long process before real progress is made. I also have no guarantee that I'll even get good help- no one I know has. Either way this means a long wait before I'm actually ready for work, and again I need money soon. I dont think I can wait that long.

So, what should I do? Jump straight into work while hoping not to collapse under the weight of my own crumbling mental health? Maybe start part time and work myself up?

The reality is I need a job. If I dont get one, I'll continue to be a failure. Ill continue to wait for treatment. I'll continue to hate myself. If I get one, i have an opportunity to escape the pit I'm in, but also at risk of falling further down it.

I have everything to gain and everything to lose. But I cant continue to live like this.

I think I'm going to jump into getting a job, and at the same time begin the waiting list for therapy. This could backfire more than anything I've ever done before and ive been on a path of destruction since 13. This could also be the solution to my miserable life. I may find worth within myself by doing this. I may give myself the opportunity to dream, to have aspirations and work towards them. I could finally end the pattern of trying and having opportunity ripped from me.

This is terrifying. This is pathetic. But I came here to vent, not sugar coat myself as anything more than a pathetic shut in. So I guess it's ok that this is so frightening for me.

#mentally tired #mental health #life #life goals #vent #personal vent

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zekhromss · 4 years

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fuck it! vent post on the saturday.

it drives me fucking insane that since june ive had nothing but consistent issues. like im not getting paid in 7 paychecks i got $234 (which is half of ONE) everythings been getting increasingly worse because the people im staying with no longer give a shit about the pandemic.

i dont have money to buy things i need and want which is great because now im out of Vaped Juice which means im gonna fucking have nicotine withdrawals which whatever i dont care but i also cant afford to get thc which again. fucking sucks but whatever i guess whats complaining gonna do about it.

and now my store is planning on opening the cafe and because i was in the midst of a fucking transportation crisis my manager already thinks im just like. whatever a burden which isnt confirmed but shes been increasingly rude and petty af when im late which is funny because she literally scheduled me at 6:30am just for training and i was there at 6:30 but i thought i didnt work until 7 (because i didnt know about the fucking training) which whatever. whatever.

and im quitting my job after tomorrow im already just gonna call out sick and then combine that with like my 10 days notice because i cannot fucking work somewhere where people are allowed to just sit and loiter even just thinking about it is giving me a fucking panic attack. but since im quitting idk if im even gonna be able to see my therapist this friday since it’s a benefit of working there. like i have no income no therapy no borderline harmful coping mechanisms but without them what the fuck am i supposed to do.

i dont even have a bank account to take donations or financial assistance because i havent been paid and i AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#personal #it's too much it's too much

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jackieandwilsonbyhozier · 5 years

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im going to talk abt my life and like feelings (embarrassing) for a second bc new years makes me emotional also i hope readmores still work on mobile

i keep trying to make this post but cant figure out how to get all my thoughts together or how to word it . a lot happened this year i guess like my cat got hospitalized which left me with a bill ive spent the entire year paying off. i finally got a job. i got hit by. a fucking car. plus like interpersonal things. it kind of feels like 2018 was slow slow slow and then lots of stuff happened in the last couple months. the fact that i didnt have a job until like the second half of 2018 didnt help

2018 was hard obviously bc every year is hard and horrible but i do think it was different and better than previous years. ive been super depressed for a long time and since graduating high school especially every year just seems to get worse. 2017 was hard as hell bc i spent .. literally the whole year out of school unemployed just laying in bed depressed out of my mind like. super suicidal just completely hopeless and not having the will to do literally anything. for a long long time ive like held on very tight to my misery bc i was afraid to change bc like. its all that i know its who i am i dont know how to not be miserable im afraid to change any aspect of myself or my life even if theyre negative bc im afraid of the unknown. especially in regards to like adulthood like its scary its rly scary having to get a job and try to be an adult and do all these new things i just couldnt do any of it i couldnt even attempt any of it and i was stuck for a long long time bc of it. and the thing is i didnt even want to get unstuck or change or stop being miserable it was a comfortable misery i had no desire to get out of it

however ... i finally got a job this year which rly. set me up to start like functioning and everything i guess. it was so so hard in the beginning like adjusting to. doing something with my life after having spent the past two !!years literally just laying in bed being depressed. and like its still hard but its like. i can do it now. and i feel like i can do more now. like its made me feel more confident with just like. adulthood in general bc its kind of made me realize like i actually can do these things theyre not unattainable. and that its ok for me to want to start to change and like actually imagine a future for myself

like. i still have my moments obviously my depression and everything did not just disappear by any means but like. for the first time i feel like i dont have to be like that like i can actually take the steps to like being ok. like im working hard and learning to do new things and its difficult and its scary but its giving me the means to like move forward and help myself and everything which is something i never even wanted to imagine

i think my like main goal i made last year for 2018 was to get another job with like more consistent hours so i could actually start saving money and stuff and i. did do that. which is great and not something i thought id be able to do. im still only working part time but its definitely a step forward and its going well. i have the last of my cats vet bill to pay off next month and after that im no longer in debt and i can just start saving money. i rly want to be able to move out this year and again idk if ill be able to but it would be rly great to at least be in a place where its something i can seriously consider

also another thing is therapy/medication lol ill have to figure that out but. idk how to explain this but its something ive also been avoiding for a long long time my mindset towards it has pretty much been like. i didnt want it. but i wanted to want it. i didnt want to have to deal with the process of getting diagnosed/having to open up about things/just deal with all that i didnt want to do that at all it just seems so overwhelming and like so much and like. it still does but i kind of feel like its something i can also start seriously considering and kind of like im ready to like make it happen. again ill still have to like figure it out but it is something i actually do want now. which in itself is another rly big step for me lmfao

idk none of this is to say im like Better or anything bc im not by a long shot but its like. i can be. like im taking the steps to get better. and i actually want to get better which is the most significant difference between me now and me the past however many years. just the fact that i actually want to do something abt this like mess makes all the difference so. idk. idk what im actually going to accomplish this year if anything but the fact that im like doing something with myself every day and having goals im working towards and everything i think is more than enough like. im not gonna be down on myself for not accomplishing enough or anything bc ive done a lot and im doing my best finally so .

#this is a lot and embarrassing but i feel like i need to say it #shelby.txt

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clowngremlin · 5 years

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it’s only 8:20, but im in a positive mood so its time for my good things list!!!! i will be combining saturday, sunday and today’s because i havent written one since friday!! under the cut because its very long!!!

saturday:

-a very obvious good thing is my top surgery assessment!! i have already made a post about it but it went very well and i am excited for the future!!! it was also nice to see my gender therapist!!! he’s a really nice and cool dude!!!

-going to the mall after gender therapy!!! i went to a mall i dont normally go to because its in a different city than the big city and the city i live in, it’s in more of a city/suburb sort of thing, but it’s a nice mall!!! they have a great food court with a sick arcade but i didnt go to the arcade, i just walked around the mall!!

-i got some really fun keychains for my backpack and phone!! i got a waluigi one for my phone, a jack-o-lantern one for my phone, a popplio one for my back pack as well as a gengar in a pumpkin for my backpack!!! they were all really reasonably priced, because im pretty sure they’re imported from japan!!! i also wanted to buy some love live merch for hope and i, but they didnt have any of hope’d favorite girl, and the love live stuff as a bit expensive and i really wanted the other ones more but its good to know they have them there!!!

-got some delightful bootleg garfs at the mall too!! and for only $2!!!! it was so excellent!!! they also had a big garf car sticker, but i didnt have enough to buy it because i wanted to save some money for going into the city to go to my favorite vintage stores and the flea market!! also i dont have a car, but i thought it might be a fun sticker for my skateboard or sketchbook!!!

-went to my favorite vintage stores and got some nice things!! i got a cowboy shirt, and a cool cardigan that matches one of my new shirts i got for my birthday!!

-the girl working at my favorite vintage store complimented my outfit again and we had a lovely conversation!! we also talked to this dude who was buying a really cool shirt that i wish i could have bought, but im glad he got it because i have too many shirts anyways and also he was wearing a shirt i had tried on a few weeks ago, but didnt buy because i wasnt super into it so im glad it got a nice home and his outfit was so good!!! it made me feel better about being a masc presenting person who wears funky clothing!!!

-talked to one of my best pals on video chat because i was having a panic attack about work and it helped me calm down and it was so nice to talk to him :>

-in the morning before gender therapy, i got some quality puppy time and eli was very good and did excellent on his walk and made many new friends and was very snuggly!!!

-i wore an excellent outfit that consisted of a rainbow checkered button down @delusionaljellyfish gave me for my birthday, my favorite jeans, a pair of cool dinosaur socks that went really well with the button down, my favorite jacket and my favorite vans!!

-it was nice and sunny and warm!!!

sunday:

sunday was a bad all for the most part and i cried at work like twice and once on the bus going to my friends house from work but there were some positives so we will focus on that!!!

-worked with one of my friends at work!! i actually worked with many friends, but this friend is like an actual friend outside of work too so it was nice to work with her

-did a good job sampling at work even though i wanted to not be at work and felt upset the whole time, i tried to not let it show and did my best and people really liked the samples

-heard a weird cover of the jeepers creepers song at work

-after i got off work which was early because of shift was cut which isnt good and i got upset and got in trouble for being upset about it, i went to one of my best friend’s house and we watched the umbrella academy and had some tasty drinks!! we also snuggled with her cat and she listened to be vent about work

-this gets its own point, my best friend bought me a creme egg mcflurry!!!! this is a double whammy, because it one, means its creme egg mcflurry season again and that’s one of my favorite treats, and two, my best friend bought me ice cream, which is always nice!!!

-the umbrella academy gets another mention because its so fun and i love it

-had a discord call with @delusionaljellyfish !!! i always love talking to amanda and she was working on a really cool drawing while we were talking and i love seeing her art, she’s so talented and im not saying that because i’ve tagged her in the post, im saying that because i genuinely feel it and its the truth and she deserves recognition for all the hard work she puts into her art and she is one of the most talented people i know!!!!!!!!!!

-also had a video call with one of my other really good friends!!!! we talked until like 1:00 am and he listened to me vent about work as well and we also talked about other really interesting topics!!

-got gendered correctly at work and had multiple people call me sir, and one guy called me buddy in that way that older men call young men buddy, which was nice and gender affirming

monday (today):

-got to sleep in!!

-got to spend lots of quality time with baby boy eli!!!! and i got payed to do so!!!!! i would have done it for free, because i had nothing better to do today anyways, but extra money is always a bonus

-it was nice out when i took eli for his walks, and he made new friends as well!! he makes new friends where he goes and everyone is so delighted to see him!!

-got gendered correctly by the people in my building for once because i dont think my dad has told them im a guy, and often misgenders me to our neighbors, but i think these people are new and so they dont know im trans!

-worked on my comic for a bit and listened to some reel big fish and had such a nostalgic throwback to being in elementary school because i used to listen to a lot of ska dfghjhgjdfgj

-had a phone interview that im hoping went well!!

-realized that i need to stop stressing out about work and all this shit that in the grand scheme of things, isnt a big deal!!! i have been through worse things, and those things were only temporary, much like how these things are only temporary!! things will get better and be ok!!!

-talked to many friends today!!! im in a fun discord sever with some new pals and i talked to some of them about being transmasc, i also talked to one of my friends from work after she tagged me in a post about not stressing about things which was actually really solid advice and i needed to hear it, and she said some really nice things to me!!!! it made me feel really nice on the inside!!! someone im online friends with also sent me a really funny mgs video on discord!!! i also talked to @bruisedratboy today and i always love talking to josh, he’s one of my really close friends and he’s great!!! and im also not just saying that because i tagged him in this, i genuinely love josh and think he’s a great dude!!!

-had a nice conversation with my dad when he got home from work and we hung out with eli and ate dinner!! he also made bacon sandwiches is which si tasty.....

-my dad bought me my favorite pop, which is the blue mountain dew!!!

-my brother and i had a nice conversation before he left the house in the early afternoon, and i helped him pick out a jacket to go with his extremely good outfit!! he also made me coffee which was really nice of him!!

-i got that extremely wonderful anonymous ask today!!! anon, if ur reading this, i just want u to know how much that ask meant to me, like i genuinely mean that. it made me so happy, especially since i’ve had some really fucky days lately and have been feeling really upset and not very positive, but im trying and so im glad my positivity is being appreciated and that u like my posts!!! i hope ur having a good day, and u continue to have good times and such things because u must be a wonderful and kind individual to send someone such a delightful thing and u deserve good things and i appreciate u so much, whoever u are!!!! this is what the anon feature is for, babey!!! sending people delightful messages and leaving good feelings!!!!

-i got followed by someone on instagram who makes really cool pins and if i can save some extra money, i will see if i can buy one some day!!

-eli was extremely cute today!!!

#the wretched gremlin strikes again #spencer's good things list

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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What’s your impossible?

1:06pm

So, like literally for the past month or so I’ve been without a job. I didn’t want to go back to being overworked at BigLotto where they overworked cause I didn’t set any boundaries on what I would and would not do or when I didn't want to be on shift. Because I was desperate.

And looking back...thats kinda how I was with my relationships and friends. It was nice being reassured to give my all to someone or something, but still it wasn’t enough because what I was doing for that job, that person...I wasn’t officially happy with it. I was ok. I just kept saying “I’m ok”

But I’m not. I said I could handle it, and even at the retail jobs I worked for minimum wage, I was ok with getting some amount of money. It was as if as long as I’m getting paid for it and I get time off, we cool.

But, I've been doing that for the past five years....

I had no idea I had been doing customer service for that long until I had to redo my resume one good time.

I was like fuckkkkkkk, bitchhhhhhhhh.

We need to change. I can’t live off of retail jobs. My back hurts enough as it is.

So then my mom and dad has been pushing me to “go corporate, go corporate” cause that’s what they have been living off of to support my family. Corporate salary jobs or managing auto factory lines.

Sorta like get in where you fit in.

But as I’m scrolling through these jobs.....most of these corporate propaganda jobs I don’t really care about. They’re fucking boring. I’m just looking for something that doesn’t tire me, stress me out with bullshit, something that I’m ok with getting paid for, and pays me well so I can buy my loft that I always dreamed of getting. You know..consistent money.

And then I watch this guys TedX after I searched on YouTube “how to find a longterm full-time job to commit to?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpe-LKn-4gM “How to find and do work you love by Scott Dinsmore.

I thought wow, great excellent speech, great pointers. I even took notes.

But then I thought “how am I gonna get my loft by doing a community garden, building houses, making organic goat soap and milk, raising chickens, making an urban farm, building cheap, portable housing for the homeless, cbd, singing and writing music, traveling to other countries, teaching art classes, teaching therapy sessions, helping animals, building art installations, dancing/singing theatre, party planning, organizing community events/cultural festivals, inspiring others to think healthy, positive thoughts, design clothes, paint masterpieces, building art installations, blowing glass, welding metal, making pottery and windows, constructing furniture, build a cafe, make an adult playground, marriage counseling, and selling therapy bible study books out my renovated living van?”

“I’ll probably need a lot of money to start?”

He asked what inspires you and a lot of shit came up....sorry.

He said “What do you think is your impossible? Push past that limit. What do you think you can't do? What did others say you couldn’t do?”

And then I just thought “Bitch, just pick some fucking baby steps. You do too much.”

I’ll probably have to live on some lady’s farm in Oregon to learn how to raise chickens and goats Lol. But if that’s what it takes, so be it.

Better than climbing up a corporate job ladder to be a marketing manager about products that actually hurt people. I hate sales and I hate being forced to put a smile on for shit I don’t care about.

It’s like when mom used to make me wash dishes and ask, “You got a problem?”

No, I just don’t see how me cleaning up after you and your kids because I live here is supposed to help me grow into an independent adult. I told you I wasn’t thinking about kids at age 12, so why start now?

“Shut up and fix your face.”

Nahhh....I think I’ll start somewhere else Corporate America. I need a job that’s gonna teach me how to accomplish my dreams. Not keep me down to where I can’t make them happen on the weekend because of my 40 hours a week of boring. Sorry, its just not for me.

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than to force myself to care about something that isn’t for me or that Im just “ok” with.

I never truly understood why mom would come home so pissed and frustrated at me about her job. But then I realized, she had me at 22 during her last year in college, didn’t want to tell her job that she had a kid, but was a factory supervisor for years while we were in Florida. And then they closed the plant and she had to move to Mississippi. She was depressed and I didn’t know it. She would always tell me “Sometimes you gotta do things you don’t wanna do.”

After she told me her job made her depressed, I said “then why work there?”

She said “dont you want me keep buying all those new clothes and games?”

I said “I’d rather see you happy, than depressed, sad and upset. I don’t care about those things. Cause You’re more important to me.”

And then she quit.

Pray for me y'all. I don’t wanna go down that path my momma went down until it was too late.

#real life #its hard being an adult

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vibrant-goddess · 5 years

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yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question.

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.

#i finished writing this shit at 230 at this point any sleep is gonna be shit but the alcohol is making me sleepy so whatever #there was no chance i was going to get a decent nights sleep anyways #i fucking hate everything

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anna-2807 · 5 years

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As if the emotional toll isn’t rough enough, couples who split must then confront harsh financial realities. It’s not just the cost of getting the divorce, but also the often-extreme lifestyle shift that comes when one household severs into two.

What are some of those harsh financial consequences of divorce?

According to George Mason University Sociology and law professor Lenore Weitzman in her book, The Divorce Revolution, we see a staggering drop in women’s household incomes, while men, on the other hand, see continued income growth. A typical woman endures a 73 percent reduction in her standard of living after a divorce. Her ex-husband enjoys a 42 percent increased standard of living.

People often say, “I have to get out of my marriage,” but after digging into the numbers they are shocked and wonder if they can afford it. One of my female clients described her financial dilemma the following way:

My husband, who makes no secret of his dislike for me, makes a good income and together we own a lovely house. The alternative to living with him is being on my own with two little kids and no job training or skill set. Should I stay or should I go?

Another client summed it up this way:

Being in a divorce battle and dividing the assets is akin to being held hostage by guerrillas. The sooner you can get out, the better.

If a couple is unable to work through their divorce amicably or with the help of some form of dispute resolution, using an attorney will double, even triple the cost of the divorce.

Money and Emotions = Oil and Water

Let’s talk about money and psychology for a moment. Usually, money is thought of in black-and-white terms – either there is enough of it or there isn’t. However, the truth is that money is chock full of psychological, emotional, and symbolic meanings.

A person’s relationship with money mirrors his or her conflicts, vulnerabilities, fears, needs and desires. Our feelings about money and how to manage it are largely dependent on our unique family history.

Emotions and money can be a dangerous combination. In fact, during divorce financial negotiations, emotions can be your worst enemy, leading to both higher legal bills and frazzled nerves. Yet, in the grip of fear for one’s very financial survival, exercising rational judgment can be an uphill battle.

The Emotional Costs of Divorce

Divorce challenges the basic sense of who you are, who you’ve been and who you will become. Transitioning from being part of a couple to being unattached is a journey all divorcing people must embark on.

There are two different processes people go through during the emotional roller coaster of divorce. First, there is the struggle for a more complete sense of personal identity. Post-divorce, you think, If I’m not a part of a couple, then who am I? How am I going to do this on my own? Second, there is the grief of losing a loved one.

The Importance of Grief to Post-Divorce Healing

All divorcing people will grieve.

From the time we are born, we attach. And where there is attachment, inevitably there will be a loss. And where there is a loss, as in divorce, there is grief. Grief consists of a mixture of all of your raw feelings, both positive and negative, sometimes contradictory, which can include longing, fear, anger, love, sadness hate, regret, and guilt.

People in the midst of grieving can experience typical symptoms of depression: difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, negative feelings, low self-esteem and lack of energy.

Your instinct may be to find a way around the pain. Don’t even go there or your capacity for lifelong happiness may be impaired. Ultimately, divorce can cause massive financial and emotional hardship in two people’s lives. Navigating through this post-divorce period is challenging.

Can Unhappy Marriages Become Happy Again?

You fall in love. Neither one of you has a clue about the problems that will begin to hit you just a few years into the marriage – sometimes just a few months into the marriage. If any of us had the slightest inkling about the bumps in the road ahead, we might be inclined to avoid marriage altogether. Problems encountered in your marriage are rooted in events that occurred when you were an infant and child when your identity was formed. How completely your early needs were met will be mirrored in your relationship with your spouse. If your needs were poorly met, you may expect your spouse to meet them for you – a recipe for disaster.

The truth is that every married couple will be forced to deal with difficulties and many will face the decision to stay married or to divorce. Individuals at the crossroads of divorce sometimes struggle with a false choice: “Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I keep the family together and remain unhappy?”

You may be surprised to learn that most unhappy marriages become happy again if couples can stick it out. While some divorces are necessary, many marriages can be repaired.

It may be difficult to face the issues that you and your spouse are struggling with, but research suggests that couples who can manage to stay together usually end up happier down the road than couples who divorce.

I have heard many individuals express regret that they and their ex-spouse did not work harder to try to save their marriage. In the end, divorce did not make their life better.

Conclusion

We know several things for sure:

Any couple who ties the knot can face problems in their marriage.

The process of divorce and its aftermath is devastating, both emotionally and financially.

Getting divorced and remarried does not improve one’s chances for a successful outcome.

Perhaps problems in a marriage should be considered a wake-up call to work on the marriage rather than take the road leading to divorce.

Wouldn’t it be better if every couple saw their pain as a catalyst to deeply examine their relationship, get professional help and grow stronger? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if each individual could be honest with themselves and take personal responsibility for their contribution to the problems? If partners choose to invest in their relationship and make needed changes instead of repeating their mistakes, they might be able to avoid an unnecessary divorce. And if they do finally decide to divorce, their personal work in couples therapy might increase their chance of a successful marriage next time. Either way, those alarming statistics could improve.

Read more at https://www.drdeborahhecker.com/blog/should-you-divorce-or-save-your-marriage

#Relationship Expert #Divorce Counseling #Couple Counseling #Individual Counseling #Online Relationship Counseling #Online Relationship Counselor #divorce counselor #Couple Counselor #Online Divorce Recovery

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