#i dont know. i dont other than to just. try to make sure im still here tomorrow and do the same the day after

[toytulini]

if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

#toy txt post #or maybe i am just sameface syndrome #but also different face syndrome #two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time! #i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao #the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her #her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime #birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept #but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie! #me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i need to practice. features #you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet #to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that #knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!! #not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime #im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps #happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be #and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also #no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!! #agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to. #anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy #part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least. #for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy #on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that #feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller #headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure #and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height #but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes #the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights #are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye

[vse-kar-vem]

why are we having queerbaiting discourse as a fandom in the year of our lord 2024 😭😭 we're just as bad as twitter oh my god

#real people cant queerbait. jance arent queerbaiting bokris arent queerbaiting either . #we have no right to know their sexualities nor do they have any obligation to tell us before kissing a man. they could be fully straight #they could be playing gay chicken 24/7 (they are) and that still isnt queerbaiting ! #what they choose to put in that photoshoot 'authentic' or not is their choice #its so stupid cuz like i thjnk its such a nothingburger of discourse 😭 neither of the ships at play here are in direct conflict with #each other #literally for everyone on both sides : dont like just block #i dont think anyone in this fandom has malintent or is tryinf to put any other members down on purpose #+ we all have our own preferences when it comes to shipping #also i think stuff thats getting said is getting so misinterpreted and magnified beyond original intent that its making everything such a #largwr deal than it is #anyways! my own personal gripe: related to my orher post #why are we babying grown men lord 😭 i would also LOVE a jannacejure photoshoot but im sure its not hurtful for tjem if they dont do it 😭 #like theyre grown men not elementary schoolers who need to be told theyre special #sorry that was a little more confrontational! wow we have really descended into disxourse today havent we #what im trying to say is this: i have beloved mutuals on both 'sides' and hold no hard feelings at all we're all entitled to our opinions #and i think it's really stupid to be drawing lines in the sand like this around issues that dontt even matter #ok! im done #vee rambles #ok yeah ive gone back and read all the discourse and my conclusion remains the same. i thjnk some people are reading a leetol too much into #things #but i think both sides have valid points #whatever we shall take it as it comes

[girlwithfish]

bpd vs cptsd is really confusing also bpd vs autism. anyway

#and like the debate that bpd is just cptsd #and is a disorder rooted in trauma #but trauma also isnt a diagnostic requirement but also idk if i believe ppl w bpd who say they have no trauma at all #well im sure there r exceptions but also think a lot of ppl downplay trauma they went thru #nd ppl say bpd/personality disorders in general r from trauma and learned trauma responses for survival #But reading up abt cptsd lately its like everything also resonates w ne #me #but i still think i am like textbook definition of bpd lol. i was in a split for literally a week #it was hell i actually dont know how i survived bc i was so close to kmsing a lotttt bc mental illness is running my life rn #and making it unbearable!! i am just tryi g to find internal safety again and trust in others and #build my own resilience and trust in myself above all. reparentify myself and learn how to make a #sustainable life for myself when ive been trying to function like a - #'normal' neurotypical stable person for all my life and had no idea my mental problems ran this deeply #like iwish i had gotten help sooner. i feel horrible my life has gotten to this point bc i did nothing abt it when i was a kid or younger #adult bc i didnt know i guess. idk #i just realized my.upbringing has a bigger effect than i even know on who i am today. i have sm repressed memories too lmfao

[the-acid-pear]

I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

#luly talks #i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad #rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck #gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night.......... #actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles #(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something #so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it? #not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still #i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭'' #first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was #OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy. #anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence #dsaf #roger jones #dsaf roger #btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment #probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc #jake is so confrontational though #hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude #except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon. #hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff #because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen #not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway #yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact #im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking

[cimicherrychanga]

btw u guys have to promise to not be mad at me for becoming ur turtle mutual. please

#shut up dave #IM LIKE. NOT NORMAL ABOUT THEM. AND THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME #i nEED a special interest to consume my every waking thought in order to thrive #and after i grew out of homestuck its like i lost my spark its EXCRUCIATING. #what do you MEAN i cant draw 3 comics and 2 full piecesn write 50 page essay in one day every day if im not insane abt some piece of fictio #outrageous!!!!! #and as much as i wish i could. i cant Choose or induce this thats not how it weorks we all know this #i TRIED to make miraculous my next big thing after hs it did not work!!! im still insane abt it! but its the #watching trrailers frame by frame making longass analyses and tracking down the exact car in one scene type of insane. #sure ive made art n comics its still one of the things i was and am more invested in than about 60-something of my other media interests #but GOD then rottmnt hit me full speed. i am FEELING this one. i made art AND the characters i was scared would be impossible to draw #turned out to be. so easy? like i did a great splinter first try and thats HUGE for me usually my first attempts suck #until i develop a personal touch for their design #the style of the show is just sososo good for me. theyre my best friends now. and i INTEND to make that clear to EVERYONE #bc im still feelin lonely!!! despite everything!! and i dont want to!!!!!!!!! and im making it everyone elses problem!!!! #anyways like as i said. ur not allowed to be mad at me. please please. ive always been annoying this is just a new arc #and u have to put up wirh it. or ill cry. thanks.

[piplupod]

i feel a feeling that is genuinely intolerable and go "okay what do i do with this"

therapist brain says "feel ur feelings, its unhealthy to suppress all the time." rational brain says, "hi if we sit with this emotion then we are going to either be bleeding or dead in approximately ten minutes. so whats another option." therapist brain goes "wellll i guess in that case maybe u can distract urself idk, that can be a coping strategy sometimes." rational brain glances at emotion, shakes its head and shoots back "yeahhhh no can do there bud. this one's a real whopper and distractions ain't gonna cut it this time."

both sections of the brain shrug at each other and then The Disorder brain raises its hand smugly and simpers out "hiiii remember me? yeah this is the reason i exist teehee :) give me five minutes and I'll have an amnesia wall erected and another part of the brain shoved into the forefront and then we'll be right as rain! and this emotion can go rot in the locked cabinet of horrors until another part accidentally stumbles upon it again in the future or until the lock breaks. :)"

#girl help I've just been drawing and then BOOM. unbearable feelings drowning me !!!! drownding !!! i am drowndinging !!! #i dont wanna do this anymoreeeee im so tired of this #i go ''wow this sure is intolerable! how have i ever dealt w this!'' and then the DID does its thing some more👍 #''gee that sounds so helpful!'' my body is in shambles from the overwhelming amounts of undealt with trauma :] #there are many other downsides but . i ain't getting into all that dhfjdldl #im just . grrrrr. maybe its bc i was drawing another part of the brain but c'mon 😭 i was drawing them HAPPY !! playing!! having fun!! #trying to make smth nice for us !!!! god damn this is so ridiculous #i want to go to bed fjfkdl im so tired and frustrated w everything man im trying so hard and it all seems to go towards nothing #im just not doing well idk also this counselor i have has been so flaky and its making me feel so ... eeurgghh #i understand they dont think im a suicide risk so im low on the priority list but I'd like to just... be a priority for somebody just once #boohoo poor me etc etc. other ppl need the help more than i do i know. im just. tired. #there isnt rly a lot anybody can do anyways to help i guess #still makes me insane thinking abt how the social worker had nothing for me except ''well ... u could go to the homeless shelter'' #im just... theres so many fucked up things abt that. sigh. oh well oh well oh well. #just keep making my shitty art and trudging thru the days and finding good things in a day when i can scrape em together !!!! #argh. sigh. I'll go figure out some food to eat tonight. #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention #self harm mention

[yelloworangesoda]

gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this

#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me #‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds #im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing #life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something #i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore #i finished. and i hate it #i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here #i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant #it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them #i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just #didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore #ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better #idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu #but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years #and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!! #i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad #i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped #like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this #drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me #not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess #yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well. #i dont like to say the words #simons spouting #vent :(

[bl00dw1tch]

It is so fucking funny how someone telling me to do something is the fastest and easiest way to get me to want to Actively grind my life back to halt instead.

#horse.txt #vent // #its dumb. im being dumb let me be clear. this is about getting a fucking job. writing my resume. my mom told me i need to #'start getting serious' about it #and i do. i do. #im just. ghhhh i feel like im going to fucking explode. its so easy its so easy everybody has to do it i dont get to be fucking special #but knowing that never fucking Means anything i can know that like its tattooed to my eyelids and it doesn't change the fact that #i have no idea what the fuck to do #i have lists and lists and lists of advice and tips and help and links and i appreciate them bc at least now i have a foundation to jump off #but i still can't fucking get through them #i cant figure it out. its right there but the second i start to try i run into some roadblock and i start freaking the fuck out #and then i cant fucking go back to it bc by then ive spent an hour crying and im too tired to do anything but sit and cry some more #i hate the fucking options here. i hate the options everywhete. i dont want to fucking work dude im just. im not fucking there #but theres no other fucking option and people get so fucking mean when you try to say that bc im just being fucking lazy lazy lazy #i dont know. if i am im not sure i care that much anymore #im just tired of feeling so fucking miserable and useless but it's hard to ignore because i just amm!!!!! #the only thing i can do better than some people is draw and the idea of doing That for a job makes me feel sick to my stomach #man. i dont know. idk #sometimes i just have to catastrophize things to get it out of my system . iygiygi #ill be fine #just might be a tense Christmas apparently.

[caruliaa]

losing something you once had feels so much worse iv learned then realising youll never get something you never had

#this isnt true im just not in the middle of the second one anymore but its just. such a new sudden pain #what do you do when you lose a close connection with someone that used to tell you you made every day of their life better #and that theyd do anything to keep you in their life just a few months ago? #how you deal with the pain of the person youd go to to laugh with and cry to being gone? #i dont know. i dont other than to just. try to make sure im still here tomorrow and do the same the day after #its jsut so sudden. three years gone in less than a week i cant bear it. and i can still talk to them and i want it that way #and like. just just just i hope so deeply that one day we will be able to rebuild a relationship again #but thats dependant on them not on me. and i know if that day does come its at the several least months away #its not even their fault i know what theyre going through has to be awful too. i just dont know what it is and it feels so sudden for me #idk. what do you do when you lose the person you wanted to learn how to drive you could drive to meet them irl one day #before youve even started lessons? other than cry to olivia rodrigo ig but i was listening to olivia rodrgo without crying on friday #can i go back to that please? can i go back to before this fell apart becuase it did so quickly and i dont know how #vent #flappy rambles

[zemnarihah]

btw i think i may be attempting to enter into a long distance relationship w erik.

#ik nobody cares i think its annoying to constantly talk abt ur dating life on here #but like. this is my diary. so. #basically the deal is.i may very well be setting myself up for failure and heartbreak. but also i will regret it for the rest of my life #if i dont try #he feels important. like this feels different than it rlly ever has before. he felt important before i ever had any romantic feelings. #and like. idk if it was just bc i was so emotionally exhausted from all like the processing feelings and talking abt them and stuff but #he slept over. and i can NEVER sleep if someone is in my bed. but i slept really well. like literally in his arms i have NEVER been able to #sleep while im touching someone not once in my life. #this is so embarrassing lolll bc literally since i met him ive been talking abt him on here like 'oh my new friend i think hes into me but #im trying to just be friends' well. mission failed. #also my mom and my sister bc of COURSE any time i speak to a man its like well do you like him are you dating him. and i was like NO we are #just FRIENDS god can i just have a FRIEND #and so when i tell them. god it is going to be sooo humiliating. also he has multiple satanic tattoos so if he meets my mom.... #long sleeves on that day methinks! #um anyway im getting ahead of myself. basically we had a talk yesterday abt all my doubts abt getting into a relationship when hes abt to #leave and we kind of talked through what we would do to make it work. I told him I still couldn't give him a sure answer bc when im with hi #it feels like it can work but when he was gone the other day after our first talk abt it i felt so sure it wouldnt work so i need to #sleep on it and think abt it without him there but idk i think i know my answer like at this point i feel like its worse to wonder. #i have to try yk?

[cerealmonster15]

ougugugughghhh i get,,, so embarrassed when i try to be Earnest lol especially w/in the context of like fanart/fic like i LOVE when other people do it i LOVE reading earnest and vulnerable deep fics and seeing intense fanart etc etc etc. but then i do it i feel like i am Going To Be Killed LJFDKSLF SDJFLS

#yknow like??? if i do ANYTHING other than my funny ha ha sillies <-which i love btw. my fave thing to do ever #but if i try something Different i feel like im CRINGE for trying bc im not. good at it?? #or like im Trying Too Hard?? I GET SO EMBARRASSED #anyway i got jumpscared by a jami/azu i found from last year #and i mean /i/ like it but. i feel like i would die if i posted it #im p sure ididnt post that one i just sent it to my friend on discord #and then even that still made me Feel Embarrassed lol #SORRY GOD idk why im airing out so much internal feelings today lol #can i really blame it on the caffine. can i. god i really need to find a new therapist lol i cancelled the old one but #havent found a replacement yet jklfjsdl oopsie. but like how do u talk to a therapist about this shit anyway lol #i dont. WANT to tell them about tumblr thats EMBARRASSING #sorry this all boils down to im very insecure and always have been l o l #like it's FINE ill be FINE im just oughhghghghgh yknow? #i guess im better than i used to be bc. i post way more than i used to re:drawing and writing lol but #i do have fits of panic where im like #🧍‍♂️am i delusional. perhaps my mutuals/followers r just politely humoring me #and i am simply making A FOOL of myself #maybe!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know #not that i think anyones out to get me or anything i just hfhhhshhdhsghf #i lost track of what i was talking about #anyway shoutout to people who r nice sorry i have a hard time absorbing it lol thats a ME problem not anyone else

[orcelito]

as someone with insomnia whose brain runs a mile a minute at all hours of the day every day always it's often hard for me to remember that i need sleep like everyone else does. like i see mentions of people sleeping and im like "lol couldnt be me" then i remember that i too must go unconscious every night, ideally for at least 8 hours a night, every single day, ad infinitum,

literally what is the point. i'd rather use my time for other things thanks

#speculation nation #and so i do. not that my body is very happy about this fact lol #well u shouldve thought about that BEFORE u made me a light as hell sleeper & made it impossible to fall asleep #would i LIKE to get more than 6 hours of sleep a night? sure! will that happen while ur like this? Probably Not! #and also the extreme hyperfixating. the all encompassing focus that makes all other things irrelevant #that's an autism thing probably. and as glorious as it feels it is frankly not very conducive to a good living situation #it'd be less bad if i didnt live alone and someone could strongarm me into doing my assignments and the dishes etc etc #or going to bed at a reasonable time. god i dont know how to do that right lmfao #agh fuck it's bedtime right Now for waking up for work. let alone if i still wanted to try going to class #that aint happening. im not gonna doom myself to like 4 hours of sleep. rip #fuck dude ive been working too much too. i probably worked over 30 hours last week. i dont even fuckign know anymore #i just wake up go to work go home repeat. my days off are filled with bad choices and too little self care #im dreading doing the dishes. it's been too long. ugh.

[dolltwink]

Vent post.

So I found out I probably need a walker.

internalized ableism in tags but I'm going to clarify that this is only directed to myself and I think other disabled people are cool as hell and none of the things im describing myself with. No disrespect is intended to people who are going through similar things as me, you're strong and cool as hell. Its just different if its to myself. Please do not take this out of context, its a personal vent post describing myself and applies to no one else. Thank you.

Cw for: ableism, internalized ableism, small addiction mention.

#god i feel so fucking pathetic. #i dont think i deserve one. im not in *enough* pain. #i still have days where i can move unassisted without pain. #so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it. #but at the same time it hurts. it hurts so much. every step hurts. every movement hurts so much and its getting harder every day. #but. its not ALL the time so i should just shut up and deal with it. #im trying to do thought excercises with my boyfriend right now and its helping. him saying stuff like #'if someone else was in your situation would you think they would need a cane or walker?' and my answer is yes of course. #and it is making me feel better but at the same time i just feel so feeble and helpless in my own body. #i need help. i need help so much. but theres also other disabled people who are in much more pain than me. #so why should i think i deserve extra help when other people have it so much worse. i'm *lucky* i'm not in as much pain as other #disabled people. #i feel like i should just count my blessings and deal with the pain. but. it hurts. it hurts so much every day. and i dont know what to do. #i cant actually get help until i move out of my dad's place since. he'd kick me out since he thinks i'm going to end up like my mom. #lying to get drugs and moving on to harder non medical substances. but. thats not what i want to do. #in fact ive told every doctor ive had about my family's addiction history. all of my medicine for my depression and anxiety are on #low doses they give to people who are pregnant to make sure theres no chance i get addicted or too dependent on the medicine. and like. #the one time i didnt get that was from post-surgery pain medicine my doctor described. a highly addictive intoxicant. but. #it only made me paranoid and afraid and it made me sooo scared. i hate the feeling of being intoxicated. it horrifies me. #but he'll still kick me out if i get help and i have nowhere to go. #so im just trapped. and im in so much pain. but its getting so hard to be a person. but because i live with him and hear him every day #im internalizing it so much. clearly i have to be faking right? how dare i claim to need all of this when there's actual disabled people #who actually need help #god. #im so pathetic. #i don't like how i am. i hate myself for wanting help i havent *earned*. #and i know. i know that's stupid. and if i met another person in as much pain im in i'd definitely say they need a walker and/or cane and #that they deserve to get the help they need to live their life. #but its me. so its different.

[albatris]

ohhhhh why did it take me so long to piece together "I tend to feel anxious and uncomfortable when I have to introduce friends from two different social contexts of mine and let them mingle" and "hi I'm logan and one of my special talents is vaguely introducing a friend to another friend and then watching them both become way closer more involved friends with each other than they are with me" into the same big ol' puzzle

#do i stop people from mingling? no! am i angry with them? no! #am i filled with a deep-seated anxiety and loneliness? yeah! #grumble grumble blah blah blah #negative #delete later #like obviously theres more to it than JUST that fear like..... there are a few reasons i can imagine where #the anxiety of letting Friends Who Don't Really Know Each Other mingle #such as me having way too many ppl I'm trying to pay attention to and make sure theyre feeling comfy and having #a nice time #but also #:))))))) #the other thing too......... lol <3 #i dont. like how fucking distant i can be. and even when im trying my hardest it still just ends up with me coming across #as vaguely disinterested #or maybe it doesn't!!!!!! i have no idea!!!!!! #i am full of gross feelings but also its 3am and I'm exhausted so i should not trust them #its the badhours

[lovsome]

,,

#im exhausted #im so tired of everything i just cried my eyes out and i want to throw up #i am so tired of meaning nothing to no one i feel like im just here to be kind and show people theyre loved and appreciated and get #treated like thats just what i am and what i do #like . none of my friends from different friend groups apparently give a shit about me #i feel like im always putting my feelings and my whole being aside to make sure everyone feels valued and appreciated but no one does that #for me #i have been feeling like SHIT for forever and lately more than usual but i say nothing because i dont wanna burden people with the weight #of me and my issues… but i subtly let them know and i know they know #and still people come to me only for support theyre like ‘hey how areu u’ and when i //jokingly// say i feel like shit (because i dont #bother lying anymore) they just dismiss it and proceed to say how they’re having issues and whatever and being the stupid caring idiot i am #i ask them if they wanna talk about it and all of that and i try to support them but i never ever get that back and it fucking sucks !!!!!!! #IT SUCKS ASS I WANNA SCREAM #i feel so lonely #i was talking about this with some people how i always try to make everyone fee comfortable even if it means making myself feel #uncomfortable and i always put myself aside and let others shine and #stupid example but listen: i went to gardaland with my friends last night. there were 3 of us. i was always ALWAYS behind them #third wheeling #why? because theyre much more confident and generally speaking self absorbed and they feel that they have to be at the front at all times #and im not saying this because i dislike them im just saying because ive known them for years and ive studied their behavior #and i let them stay in front butbi spent the whole night walking behind them and waiting in line behind them and they just left me there #but how come im always the only one who tries to fucking care for everyone ????? is anyone ever gonna care for me?? ever???? #i feel so lonely and worthless i just want to cry

[piplupod]

one of the cashiers at the grocery store i go to is so fucking fixated on shoplifters and it drives me crazy any time i check out through him (i try to avoid him but his checkout is often the most open/empty - hm! i wonder why! - and im often on a tight schedule w the bus). he brings up shoplifters every opportunity he gets and he seems so convinced that theyre a huge problem.

BUT WHAT REALLY GETS ME ,,, is that today the customer in front of me was needing a price check on one of the items bc it should've come out to be cheaper, so he was kind of apologetic abt it and saying "ah well, yknow, six dollars is six dollars, especially with how expensive groceries are right now" and i was nodding and agreeing (trying to show that i dont mind the wait and also solidarity my guy good for u for speaking up and getting the price fixed on that) AND THE CASHIER AGREES. FULLY ACKNOWLEDGES AND BEMOANS THE FACT THAT GROCERIES ARE CRAZY RN. AND THEN GOES ON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SHOPLIFTERS. HUH ??????

so you agree that groceries are unreasonably expensive... and that sometimes ppl can't afford them... and yet ....................

#HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY CMONNNN THINK ABOUT IT DUDE.... #i knew him in highschool (small town things lol) and im pretty sure he was one of those kids who thought cops were really cool. so. yknow. #not surprised. just annoyed fdjkl #i would say smth like ''oh does ur paycheque get docked if shoplifters come thru or smth?'' but i dont want to piss him off #i would like to remain civil with the cashiers here bc its the only grocery store i can get to most of the time fdsjkl #but like. i would love to find out why he hates shoplifters so much #when i worked at DQ in highschool and ppl stole dilly bars or FULL CAKES... i did not give a single shit #even though the managers and boss would get kind of angry at us (but they knew we couldnt do anything abt it really lmao) #and then we had to put locks on the customer-facing freezers which was a hassle for us #AND STILL. I NEVER FELT ANGRY AT THE SHOPLIFTERS. BECAUSE WHATEVER DUDE LIFE IS EXPENSIVE GO GET THAT ICE CREAM!!! #also i was not paid enough to care LMFAO and i know for a fact that this cashier isn't paid enough either bc my brother used to work there #I DUNNO DUDE. HONESTLY I HAVE MAD RESPECT FOR SHOPLIFTERS #i've potentially done it a few times and its fucking terrifying esp w the amount of cameras installed now fdsjkl #i dont do it now even though i need to more than ever bc i was making myself sick every time i possibly did it #i'd get home and sit in the bathroom for an hour trying to make sure i wasnt about to throw up from the stress fdsjkl #also it was stupid to do honestly (but . needed. so yknow.) bc again. i dont have any other options for accessible grocery stores really #ANYWAYS. fuck that cashier i hope he realizes what a little narc he's being and gains some class consciousness or smth idk #all for one and one for all etc etc etc we're all in this together my guy #pippen needs 2nd breakfast