#so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it.

[rationaliity]

mine now | gallagher x f! reader ( 18 + )

ill be so real with you my dearest freaky anon i'm not the biggest fan of cheating so plspls understand that if this kinda sucks,,, im sorry, especially since you were waiting for so long for this and then i drop the most lukewarm fic of all time. i also had to change the story around so that it was something that i was comfortable writing, sorry about that ! still the basic premise, i just am not good with ntr for some reason ?? weird. who knows man. tags : drug abuse ! dubcon, dirty talking, weed & alcohol mention, female anatomy reader but its sort of nonspecific idk, pw/op, voyeurism sorta, exhibitionism sorta, coercion almost, mentions of infidelity, comfort turns into sex, possessiveness, unprotected sex, gallagher uses petnames a lot, reader being drunk & high at the same time, reader gets on call with her ex boyfriend while gallagher fucks them words: 1.8k

gallagher's hand was in your hair, your head pulled back as he pounded you so hard into the mattress it made your hip hurt a little bit from the pressure, not that it was really what you were focused on. he'd promised to make you forget your shitty ex boyfriend who'd cheated on you, and you had agreed on that without a second thought. it was originally just a drink that the two of you shared together, with you ranting about this loser to gallagher, who was all too patient with you.

one drink turned into three, and drinks turned into smoking together. being crossfaded and half focused, those little rants went on about everything that had pissed you off about that loser since the moment the relationship started to decay. everything from how he refused to flush the toilet no matter how many times you reminded him, to how tiny his dick was. gallagher had laughed at your jokes about him, and it spurred you on to keep going, laughing about that loser's tiny shrimp dick. gallagher asked if you'd ever had a dick bigger than two inches, and you shook your head. you had no idea what sex was really supposed to feel like aside from what you knew.

then he asked if you were willing to see what it was like, and you swore you'd never felt more sober than that moment right then as you hesitantly nodded. was it still going to hurt if you weren't a virgin anymore ? the answer, surprisingly, was a resounding yes ! you learned that pretty quickly as gallagher's hips pistoned into yours, his free hand grabbing the fat of your ass, his body pressed against yours so he could whisper into your ear.

" don't be shy, baby, you can let your makeup ruin my sheets. it's been ruining my shirt all night now, " he purred in your ear, his sharp canines daring to bite into the sensitive skin of your neck completely without warning. when he finally did, you made a pathetic little mewl that you weren't even aware that you could make. " a little reminder of who can fuck you better than that fuckin' pathetic loser, yeah ? gonna go to work tomorrow n show off your mark for everyone to see, yeah ? "

possessiveness was driving him, only amplified tenfold by the weed in his system. it made you both feel everything so much deeper, so both in tune with your bodies and completely disorientated at the exact same time. you couldn't feel your toes anymore, and you weren't even sure you had a tongue in your mouth you were so far gone, but you could feel every deep stroke inside of you as he thrust, and the feeling of his nails digging into the flesh of your ass.

you were a disaster. you knew you should be somewhere else. it was in three the morning, you were three drinks and several shots deep, and with enough weed in your system to kill a victorian child before they could even understand what was happening to them. but you had no idea that you needed this so much, needed to feel him so deep inside of you that it brought you to tears, stretching you so well that you thought there was no way it was going to fit. and yet his cock buried itself completely inside you each time, his tip hitting against your walls in that special spot that made you cry out.

you wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, and by god you wanted to moan so loud that your neighbors could hear you. and maybe you were doing all of those things, at this point you weren't entirely sure what you were doing, other than taking his cock. gallagher was like an animal, desperate to claim every inch of you, and you were so willing to give him everything that he desired without any amount of a fight.

you heard a noise in the background, but you honestly didn't think much of it at that point. it was so unimportant, you didn't really care what it was, although you recognized the sound. " baby, your phone is ringin', you wanna answer it, or should i ? "

you made a pitiful little noise, and he took that as a perfectly valid answer, grabbing your phone and sliding it up for you. " hey, yeah ? oh, man. " you couldn't hear what was going on on the other side of the phone, but you could hear gallagher chuckle, and you swore he started to fuck you even harder now, the lewd noises of your skin slapping together undoubtedly able to be heard through the phone. " yeah, sorry you're a fuckin' loser, but they've got some new dick. thank you for keepin' them so fuckin' tight f'me. "

you don't know why your ex hadn't hung up the phone yet, but also on the other hand it made complete sense. if he had a way to argue, he was going to argue, even when all of the odds were against him, and the answer was blaring at him straight in his face. you buried your face in the pillow, trying not to make so much noise, but finding it impossible with the way gallagher was thrusting inside of you like he owned your body. and maybe he did, who knows at this point ? you just knew that you'd never felt this good, not with yourself, or any other partner.

" you wanna talk to them ? oh, man, be my fuckin' guest. i just hope you know you ain't gonna like what you hear. "

without a warning, the phone was pushed against your ear, letting you speak and say whatever you wanted to, but you couldn't find the words to say anything to him in between the moans spilling from your lips. " i-i- hh- fuck- " you whimpered, trying to think of something to say, but your mind was completely blank and filled with so many thoughts at the exact same time. there was only a brief moment of time where there wasn't anything coming from the other line, your ex so stunned that he couldn't find anything to say, but then came the barrage of insults, ones that would make you cry if you weren't being fucked so well by a man like gallagher, who was able to take your mind off of a pathetic man like your ex.

" put him on speaker, doll. let him hear you cummin' your brains out on my cock if he's so inclined. shit, i'll send him a video if he wants. whatever gets him to understand that you aren't his anymore, " gallagher growled behind you, one of his hands coming to snake around your waist, rubbing the sensitive nub between your legs with his thick, calloused thumb. you could only nod in response, sitting your phone down and turning it on speaker. you wanted him to feel horrible about everything he did to you, and you were hoping this was exactly the revenge you needed to finally get over him.

with the phone out of your hands, it was like it was entirely forgotten, especially with his finger rubbing your clit in tiny little circles. everything was building up to feel so strong inside of you, you had no idea what was happening. was it the drugs in your system making your body act up like this ? you had no idea, completely unsure what was going on. you felt this feeling in your tummy tightening as gallagher fucked you senseless, exactly like how he had promised to.

" ga-gallagher- " you whimpered out, your breath hitching in your throat. even in your fucked out state, you still managed to say something coherent, and of course it was his name. that thought only brought a satisfied grin to his face, and the older man couldn't stop himself from responding, clearly putting on a show for the person on the other end of the phone.

" what is it, my sweet ? gonna cum ? ya gonna cum on my cock like this 'nd forget all about him ? you take me so well, it's like you were made for a big, fat cock to stretch you out 'nd rearrange ya. " he was going so hard he needed to grab the headboard, his nails digging into the wood so hard that he wasn't sure if it would splinter or not, not that it even mattered. a little blood wasn't going to hurt him, and it certainly wasn't going to make him stop fucking your divine body into the perfect little cocksleeve for him. " is this your first orgasm on a cock ? you don't even know what's happenin' to ya, that's fuckin' adorable. you aint got no idea why you feel all tight down there, huh ? "

all you could do was nod helplessly against him, drooling onto the fabric of the bedsheets that was so soaked from your slick just dripping down your legs and pooling underneath you. " gonna- gonna cum, gonna cum, gallagher- pl-please- " you didn't know why you were saying please, you knew he wasn't going to stop now, not when he had a point to make of giving you the best orgasm you've ever had in your life.

" cum then, sweetie. i'll ride you through it. i'm gonna cum in this little hole of yours, okay ? you okay with that ? " you didn't give him a verbal response, just a nod of your head, but he couldn't stop himself from gently slapping your clit, making you cry out in pain, the sharpness of the sensation leaving you breathless. " say it, doll. say you want me to cum inside. you can do it, baby. "

" please- cuh-cum inside of me, gallagher- " you begged, earning you a tentative kiss on the side of your neck where he had bitten you earlier, and his finger started to rub circles around your sore clit again, perfectly timed just to make you cum.

" we're gonna cum together, okay ? let go, baby. i'm right here wi-with ya, " he couldn't stop himself from letting out a low groan, letting go of the headboard to grab your hip, dragging you on his cock as he fucked himself on you, chasing your orgasms together. with a low, animalistic growl, gallagher let go inside of you, shooting hot ropes inside of your walls as you clenched helplessly around him, the duo orgasm making you feel like you were able to blank out at any second, but you were entirely aware of your situation. he rode out the sensations with you, slowing down into gentle thrusts as he milked both of your orgasms at the same time.

when he pulled, gallagher laughed to himself, kissing the side of your neck and your nape several times as he wrapped his arms around your waist, pressing his body against yours. " he hung up. guess we gotta call him back when we have a round two, yeah ? "

— ♡ rationaliity 2024

#honkai star rail #hsr fanfic #honkai sr #honkai star rail x reader #x reader #hsr x reader #honkai star rail smut #gallagher #hsr #hsr gallagher #gallagher smut #gallagher x reader #gallagher x reader smut #gallagher honkai star rail #honkai star rail imagine #star rail #gallagher hsr #hsr smut #smut #x reader smut #smut drabble

[jealousjersey]

it would be so cool if you did an angst/smut mike one shot inspired by casual by chappell roan :)

is it casual now?

mike schmidt x gn!fem genitalia!reader angst/smut one shot

mentions: reader gets eaten out, cunnilingus, cumming, moaning, riding face,

guys i’m sorry i haven’t been posting i have surgery tmr morning :/ will probably post when im in recovery sorry gang

again. another booty call from mike “can’t commit” schmidt.

“baby…i need to see you” he says to you, voice mumbled by the rain outside his car that he’s so obviously speeding.

“okay…be here soon. you know the rule, if my lights are off you go home.” you speak clearly, a hint of annoyance in your voice.

“got it” he replies

your front doorbell rings, when you open it you’re faced with mike, hair soaking wet from the rain as he shoots you a “sorry” smile.

“it’s the 4th time you’ve called this week mike…”

“i know…im sorry. i just really needed this tonight…” he says, scanning your face for any sign of understanding.

you scoff. “again…why can’t you ever just- i don’t know…take me on a date…why does it have to be so casual. you know i don’t like casual.”

“then why do you stay. why do you respond to every message i send.” he claps back, making you feel utterly stupid.

“well i- im not sure…i have this sick image in my mind that one day you’ll stay for longer than a night…” you say, mumbling at the end

this hurts him. he wants to commit…but god…he just can’t. his parents love you, they invite you places with them all the time. you have everyone’s approval but his.

“i’m sorry baby…let me do something nice for you…” he walks inside, dragging your hand to the familiar couch you’ve fucked on for years with him.

“do you trust me?” he says, getting between your knees.

“yes…i trust you.” you reply

mike hooks his fingers in the waistband of your pants, pulling them down to reveal your perfect pussy.

“don’t worry, i’ll give you everything you need darling.” mike purred, his lips moving higher and higher to your inner thighs, leaving a path of kisses before eventually reaching your clit.

he wasted no time in leaning in, his hungry tongue licking at the most sensitive parts of you, drinking in your taste and the sounds escaping from your mouth.

“such a good thing for me” he moans against you, swirling his tongue around your sensitive bud

you moan loudly, gripping his hair with your hands as you squirm in pleasure. he looks up at you. you look so beautiful like this, all fucked over.

mike’s head moved with purpose between your thighs, his tongue swirling around that sweet bundle of nerves before slipping his tongue inside as he licked. his moans and groans are muffled by your skin as he tasted you, wanting to make you feel everything all at once.

and his fingers dig into your thighs, holding you down by your hips. mike is a man who clearly gets off on knowing he has this kind of effect over you, and he’s determined to make you loose your fucking mind.

“ah! ah! fuck!” you moan loudly, wrapping your legs around his head as you encourage him to keep going.

mike moaned against your sensitive flesh, his tongue flicking and swirled with intent to make you cum. he could never get enough of the way you reacted to his touch, you were the epitome of perfection in the way you writhe and squirm for him.

his fingers dig into your thighs, as his grip was sure to leave small bruises come tomorrow. you love it, the feeling of his nails leaving crescent shapes in your flesh. a reminder of how good he’s making you feel

“m’gonna cum…please…” you moan out, you’re utterly pathetic at his touch, not when knowing what you’re begging for. for him to keep going? for him to fuck you with his thick fingers?

at your words, mike chuckled against your skin before his tongue moved expertly, his moans turning deeper as he pushed you towards the edge. his hands moved from your thighs to hold your hips, knowing it wouldn’t be much longer now, he wanted to feel you fall apart for him.

“come on baby, just a little more. yeah, such a good little thing for me. doin so well” he moans against your pussy.

“mmpf~ fuck…m’gonna-“

not only do you cum, you burst on his tongue. your release coating his lips. he licks up each and every drop of you.

mike moaned against you, sucking up every drop of your release with an eagerness. he was greedy, only pulling away until you were completely spent and boneless underneath him. he pulled away, his breath shaky as he leaned up to press a kiss against your neck. “that’s my good baby.” he praised tenderly, a smile on his face as he hovered over the top of you.

you calm down from your intense high, panting as his face covered in sweat and your cum.

“is it casual now?” you ask.

“nah, exclusive.” he responds, kissing you lovingly

#jealousjersey #jerseywrites #mike schimdt fanfic #mike schimdt x you #mike schmidt x y/n #mike schmidt fluff #mike schimdt x reader #mike schmidt headcanons #mike schimdt smut #mike schmidt x reader smut #mike schmidt #fnaf movie #fanfic #josh futterman x reader #josh hutcherson #angst #mike schmidt angst #five nights at freddy's #smut #jersey writes #mike shmidt

[desire-mona]

can someone please come over and braid my hair and talk about fnaf like im 9 again thanks. can someone please come over and pretend like its all ok thanks.

#desire mona #not to vent in tags but i need to be so real #i am probably one of the most lonely people ever actually #i have friends but i never see them #i spend all my time on here #ive taken to talking to people down my street which does help tbh like i do enjoy feeling like i have a community #i have a friend named tom down the road but hes like. in his 40s or 50s. but i do enjoy talking to him when we're out walking our dogs #i went out with him and his daughter to try and see the northern lights but it was too cloudy #i felt rly bad for knocking on his door at 10 pm to look at nothing but he was glad i reminded him #but once i go back home its just nothing #my life is just a series of waiting to take drugs again and its eating away at me but i cant fucking Do Anything #i just kinda feel like a pathetic loser for not doing anything productive ever and i KNOW i shouldn't let that demean my character in any wa #y #i know im a good and kind and funny person but my inability to bring myself to improve anything just makes me feel like im the worst #whatever #thoughtsing

[astranauticus]

A thrilling and horrific tale of 5 strangers caught up in a mysterious supernatural conspiracy, will they uncover the secrets of the peculiar artefact bestowed upon them or will they fall to what lurks in the shadows? Find out in Curse of the Amulet, coming to a theatre (heh) near you this Halloween season!

#rolling with difficulty #how the fuck do i tag this #rwd curse of the amulet #?????????? #for the full effect please imagine sophia's voice reading that caption #and disregard the fact that i wrote 'this halloween season' in the dead of july #this took me like a full month to draw and like yeah i was busy with other shit in the meantime but i just feel the need to point that out #bc this wasnt even as high effort as my last piece THAT was me running at 120% #this was just a very 'some things are gonna take all week no matter how half you ass them' kinda project #also in case youre wondering yeah alistair's was the one i thought up first and it was 100% inspired by the original cats musical poster #that and red's joke at the end of the episode about jay gatsby surviving all the glowing green lights #im still mad about that btw. cuz the great gatsby was my favourite alevel lit text and jay gatsby is my pathetic little meow meow #so the fact that someone in this one shot set in 1920s america is playing just Jay Gatsby But Worse is just #KJSDHFKJSDHFKJHDKH #/pos i love alistair so much #art i made

[why-the-heck-not]

hate hate hate the feeling of turning in a part of an assignment and being hella embarrased abt how it is :3 like, feeling someone’s just gonna email me like ”hey?? what the fuck ??? what are u doing here this is garbage” like yeah dude i dont know what to tell you, things did not go well this week

#doing one that’s like a bigger thing but has weekly deadlines #and this week hasn’t been good for that so it’s like very fucking pathetic of how little I got done #and it’s all basically shit anyways like i know it doesn’t work and won’t work with the way I’m going about it #also I’m only submitting the previous version bc i don’t even fuckin know what’s going on with this current one #like the code’s all bad and all over the place and I have no clue where i’m trying to go with it #so it’s like i basically didn’t get shit done this week #only made myself more confused #i need to take a step back and like really fuckin think what I’m going to do with this bc it’ll just get worse if I just keep trying to go #with this shitty thing i have on my hands rn #and also im like over an hour late already bc gotta write a weekly report and idk what the fuck to say like #’’oops sorry dude it’s shit rn i have no clue what’s going on but also dont have anything i could ask help with bc im too confused so it’s #just uhh this thing now; a mess <3’’ #the way i’ve been handling this course like ?? uh oh will i ever have the audacity to step a foot to my campus ever again lol #yes im now writing this to procrastinate writing that weekly report thing #ughhh yes im hella positive rn all is shit #(also there was parliamentary election today and it didn’t end well so that might be why everything feels 5x more shitty rn) #april 2023 #2023

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[caterpillarinacave]

maybe I’ll run away and join the moss

#Not okay #Why can’t I have anywhere #I worked so hard to be here I try so hard I just want one place #They aren’t supposed to BE here #Why why why are they here #Why can’t they go somewhere else for fucks sake #I know they have a right to be whenever they want I know it was years ago I know I’m pathetic I know it wasn’t that bad but please #I can’t relax I can never relax #Isn’t there anywhere I feel safe??? Why can’t I have one thing #Is this what it feels like to die? Again and again? Because that’s what it feels like #Is there anywhere I can go? Anywhere? #I just need one thing just something little and simple and safe #If I moved across the world would I be free then??? If I left the state??? Is there anywhere??? #If there was a place I knew they’d never touch or stay there forever but they end up in everything #Yeah it was years ago which makes it worse that I’m still here #Its been years and I’m still totally under their control #I just #I just don’t know what to do #What is there to do #Fucking hell I’m out here dropping by with potential and Im totally at the mercy of the memory of someone I knew in middle school #…I’ll stop whining now it’s reaching a truly pathetic point #I wonder when everything I do is negated by the rest of me

[luvring]

scrolling past every babygirl joke people make with a frown on my face

#💬nia.rambles #we as a society can do better than this #i think a lot of people can. struggle with What else to say #'babygirl coded charas“ specifically . talk about how easy it is to fluster them. how ur gonna annoy the shit out of them #call him a sopping wet kitten. say god hes such a dumbass im going to kiss him on the lips and serenade him #say missionary because his eyes pretty and his face handsome. say youre going to tuck his hair behind his ear #His x y z looks and cringe fail personality have captivated me. his big eyes and loser boy personality. #this is also for when ur trying to talk about female charas w/o saying girlboss/mother btw #just go god shes so fucking cool. no ones doing it like her #someone might want her but you want her in a deeper intellectual way. no crimes to forgive because she didnt commit any. #she could fix me could make me worse she could say whatever and i would heed her call like a devout follower to their god #go i need them so bad im dizzy. i could change their life #like u have the brain capacity and meme/reaction album to think of jokes outside of. 3 terms. i believe in u #& how did babygirl charas go from ironic Big (serious) muscular men to Feminine Featured(?) Easily Flustered 'Pathetic' Men. #like im sure both cases existed before but. what its turned into now....its majority the latter... Hrmm.... #< part of why i switched to saying my handsome beautiful prince etc etc. uve made me feel odd and upset.. #babygirl character just say pathetic guy . loser dude. shy and silly . errrrghhhh...

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[arsenicflame]

well i think its finally time to open this box

#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all #to all of my bullshit #i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings #so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one #this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍 #its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a. #we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently #i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we #shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude #but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i #maybe we're both no good #to be around #nyxtalks #this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess #but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic. #she can do better than me (i cant do better than her) #i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk #i dont fucking know #honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess #dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism #those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[orcelito]

Read the most depressing trauma dumping letter Ever sent to me from my mother and then went right into the manager meeting where I had to get it thrown in my face AGAINNNN that I'm a fuckup who's doing nothing right, as if Saturday wasn't one of the most humiliating days of my life

I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking break things. But it's nearly 10 pm and I can't do Shit because if I throw shit in my apartment I'll scare my cats and I don't want to break my shit and I can't leave my apartment because it's fucking 10 pm and that's Dangerous but I need to release this energy somehow because I. Am. So. Fucking. Fed UP with life. It feels like no one sees how much I'm trying, it's always always always always my fuckups. Always always always. And meanwhile I've been slipping in a major way and I'm trying so hard to keep myself on track but I am

Needing to calm down. Before I start thinking drastic things.

I'm just so. Fucking. Frustrated.

I'm trying. Does anyone see that I'm trying? Can anyone fucking tell me they see I'm trying?

Of course not. We have to remind me that I'm a fuckup who's awful at their job. Of course :)

#speculation nation #negative/ #i feel like.im going to explode #Dont Mind Me i just had to get the words out #skimming over the letter thing with this one just bc i dont think i want to talk about that actually #i just really shouldn't have read that before the meeting. #but whatever. too late now. #i need to either curl up in a ball never to see the light of day again #or go on a screaming rampage to break Everything in my path and release all of the energy all at once. #maybe then id feel okay #but probably not. #im. just going to keep trying my best. but holy fucking shit i feel so severely under appreciated #i know i havent been doing my best in some areas but im trying to fix them #im taking the criticism into consideration and working hard to fix my behavior #and several of the things are largely me not knowing the exact perfect thing to do in the current transition #i got chewed out for so much on Saturday and one thing was the way i sent the list #which was how the prior manager had me do it. how the fuck was i supposed to know he wanted it differently? #i did it the way he wanted it today. working hard like the pathetic little dog i am. #arf arf look at me do my tricks. why arent you praising me? this is what you wanted isnt it? #oh we still have to talk about the things you already humiliated me for? no recognition for all the things ive been trying to do? #only ever the fuckups? only ever the fuckups! only ever the fucking fuckuos. #maybe itll get better. i hope itll get better. ill try my best to make it better. #but if it doesnt get better and it's always only my fuckups all the time always then why the fuck should i stay here #part of why ive stayed here for so long is the comfort of familiarity. but right now i dread going to work for more than just working. #i dread being exposed to this atmosphere. it feels like a place of comfort and familiarity has turned into a place of ridicule. #i already prostrated myself. i already took a ton of tip points away from myself for what were honest mistakes. #what more do you fucking Want from me? #shall i strip myself bare and flog myself to show im truly repentant? would that be enough? #of course not. it never is. #devalued and humiliated. i never want to step foot in that store again. but i need money. and so i shall go. i guess.

[siriuslynephilim]

my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls #girl #and i was so tired #am so tired #i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't #i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne #i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭 #just. kya batau main #i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i #liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest #i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic #everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much #draining and destroys my peace and then they leave #it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship #whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night #every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on #pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking #into a million tiny pieces everytime #i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the #sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's #she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of #i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her #but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna #die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i #need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy #does that make sense #okay bye i should really start writing a diary

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

so sane. and normal.

tw // existentialism , derealisation , suicide ment , bright colours (?) for the drawing under the cut

(please dont read the text below too if youre not in a good state of mind)

#vent art #derealisation #ive been told how this story ends and im still naively hoping for a better one like the fool i am #sorry . god sorry i know i should be normal and better than this #thank you ghost and judas and em for grounding me through this insanity with the convos im #ripping my hair out . im going to get coffee so i can properly think about this and then promptly ignore it #more derealisation in tags #more vents ahead cause i cant fucking. fuck. if i dont present this somewhere itll be forgotten and wiped off by force #if theres the chance that one person sees this or that its etched into the internet - then theres no point in forcing to erase it off so i #get to keep this process #okay more vent -> #okay im 19. nothing much has addressed It. so that means i should live my life as I have #ignoring It completely right? #if It was a crucial part of my life; surely something about It would be mentioned by now. surely. #so it doesn't matter if It stares at me for every waking moment. it doesn matter if It plays a crucial role in what I am and how I exist #it doesnt matter if once It is ripped away #so will my existence #It doesn't matter that its Incomprehensible yet I am forced to comprehend it in every waking moment #it doesn't matter that It is extremely tied into my existence. it doesn't matter that if It is gone - i will be too - and it doesn't matter #that its logical to assume that #its logic and it makes no sense #none of this makes any sense #but im 19 now. nothing has associated itself to It. nothig resembles It. #i should ignore it #me when the incomprehensible horror makes me go insane if i dont acknowledge or process it at least once a week I Am Doomed As A Human Bein #i will never be able to feel connected to living. i will never be able to feel connected to other people #pathetic ass life i need to get better at living actually AUAUUAAAAAAAAAAA

[bo0zey]

every time my dad yells even if he’s just “raising” his voice to call one of my brothers over to him i flinch and my heart rate speeds up n my stomach drops n churns n i feel sick n if i think abt it too much like i am now my eyes sting just slightly like something inside me wants to cry from fear even tho i’m many many feet away safe inside my room alone w the door shut i still feel so so unsafe and it takes many many minutes and moments for me to calm down again i really hate this reaction i’m 22 years old why am i still responding like this trigger as if i’m a child i’m an adult he can’t yell at me anymore in fact he’s not even yelling AT me he’s yelling at someone else but still i jump n i feel my pulse pounding in my ears n temples i wish i would just stop being such a baby i wish i was stronger i don’t want to be afraid of people anymore

#‘im not yelling i raised my voice’ that’s what i heard my entire childhood growing up he even said it to me a few weeks ago when we #got into a heated argument and he kept pushing and pushing me and trying to gaslight and manipulate me and accusing me and i remember #thinking just before i snapped ‘im not a little girl anymore i can yell back’ and so i did and we yelled back and forth a few exchanges #until HE started to backdown a little like did he realize too that i’m an adult now and if he wants to scream and yell i can too??? #we were outside im sure all our neighbors could hear us i was embarrassed but seething #if he wasn’t gonna be embarrassed then i wouldn’t either #sometimes i am so disgusted by my father and the way he treats the people he claims to love he makes me so angry and disgusted #but then he has this hold on me??? as soon as he starts to cry/get choked up then immediately all my rage n disgust seep out of my body #from the core of my heart to the tips of my fingers those emotions bleed out of me and dissipate into the air and i’m left feeling guilty #instant guilt and for WHAT???? for making HIM upset???? after all the times he’s made me breakdown and hurt myself bc no one would comfortme #and still yet everytime i feel the need to comfort him and downplay my emotions and i KNOW he’s manipulating me it’s so OBVIOUS but i #i fucking Can’t Not protect him i can’t let him sit there in that hurt guilt shame WHATever it is #and the reason i’m torn and feel like this is bc i genuinely think he believes what he’s saying and isn’t purposely TRYING to manipulate me #but he doesn’t realize how MANIPULATIVE and SELFISH he truly is he’s Delusional and has ZERO emotional intelligence 000000000000000000000000 #so how can i be angry when i know he doesn’t understand he’s just too stupid to understand he’s like a child the child doesn’t understand #they don’t understand complex emotions #i don’t understand why daddy makes me cry and stares at me with cold enraged eyes but when he cries i fold everytime #it’s so gross of me how weak i am disgusting who could ever love someone so pathetic #ramblings #tw childhood trauma #tw trauma

[milo-is-rambling]

I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with #no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to #ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and #then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there #like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day) #(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this #inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m #normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans #are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of #getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and #I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage #where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not #like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my #friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the #only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so #long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy #forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s #what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is #destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)