#i just know myself and i know my personal hangups when it comes to productivity

[silverskye13]

different anon. it does for some people but not everyone. (also, some people may find the feature annoying in certain cases because the length it decides is Too Long is kiinda arbitrary and peoople have differnent lines.)

So in the spirit of Under-The-Cutting, I guess.

First thing of address, I guess: I can't control if people turn off the auto Tumblr readmore function. If it doesn't work for you, you can't control that either. But I find it a bit unfair that someone might, hypothetically, turn off the useful tool for cutting back on longposts on your dashboard, and then come into my inbox and be passive-aggressive about me not doing the function for them on my side of the equation. If that's the circumstances that kicked all this off, it's a bit... ahm... self-centered. I personally have it turned on, less because I want to filter long written posts [I like reading the fics posted on Tumblr] but because I like to filter long image posts, and those generally don't get censored under a readmore.

For that matter I also can't control someone's scrolling speed. I get what the second anon is trying to say: maybe only censor posts of a certain size. The issue here is what I think is long isn't the same as what someone else does. For me personally, I think long is a written work that tops out around 10k words. I'd get annoyed scrolling through that on my dashboard. The fic I posted yesterday was a rare 5k-ish. Most fics I've posted here in the past are around 2-3k, but I've posted an 8k fic here before with no resistance. Something I'm learning from this is other people think 2-3k is fine enough to scroll through, but 5k is a lot. So... noting that for the future.

So I personally don't like censoring my posts under the readmore function for a couple or reasons:

It cuts back on engagement, noticeably. It's the side-effect of social media that you want instant gratification as quickly as possible. When someone is given the choice to either click a button and sit on a post for awhile, or continuing to scroll through their dashboard for something quicker to engage with, normally they'll pick the second option. That's how social media was made, and while the Tumblr platform subverts this a little by it's nature, it still buy-and-large holds true.

Read mores, as far as I'm aware, can only be added on desktop. The snippets that make it to Tumblr, barring when I archive them for myself on a separate document, are all written on mobile. If they aren't completely mobile, they're at least started/drafted there and then moved to desktop later - but I want to say 9/10 of these are written and posted completely from my phone. And they're going to lean even more into that, since for various reasons, it's currently easier and more reliable for me to write on my phone. I won't be able to continue writing fics here if I have to wait until I have access to my laptop every time before posting them. Which leads me to my incredibly me-only dilemma:

Writing these quickly and posting them rough to Tumblr is the only reason these quick fics get written in the first place. I started posting written work to Tumblr because I was tired of abandoning so many ideas in the shuffle between "Is this good enough for AO3?" and "Is this good enough to be written at all?" But if I have to re-add roadblocks that make posting here more trouble than it's worth, I know myself, I will end up not posting fics here anymore. I'm sure it sounds silly. It sounds silly to me. But it's less of a "readmores make me not want to write" and more of the mental gymnastics of: Is this fic long enough to need a readmore -> If it does need a readmore, when will I have the time to add it -> Do I post it now and edit it in later? Probably not, because I won't remember to add it later -> Since I waited to post it, do i even remember hours later that I had a fic I wanted to post -> Would it have been easier to post this on AO3, even though it doesn't meet my standard of craft of AO3 fics? -> Why am I bothering to do this when I have so many other things I'd rather spend my time on? If you've ever done that thing where you got nothing done on a free day because you had (1) thing you had to do in the afternoon, and all your mental faculties were taken up going "No I can't do X, I have to do that thing in 4 hours!" That's kind of the odd cascade the whole readmore thing is doing for me right now.

My thoughts on this currently is I have 2 compromises and 1 definitely-not-a-compromise. And the one not-a-compromise is I ignore all this ever happened, and continue doing what I have been doing. I don't want to do that because I like to be accommodating? I'm very community focused. I like building an atmosphere that's welcoming when it comes to the blog. But that might also be what I resort to just because, as I said above, if this turns into more trouble on my end than I think it's worth, I'll just stop posting fics here, and I don't want to do that. Which leads me to--

Compromise 1: I stop posting fics here. It's not really a compromise, but it's easy. Ish. Eh. Not really. Tagging everything on AO3 is a pain in the butt for something quick and dumb you wrote up because you thought it'd be fun. But being able to post a link to a fic like with my LongFics is a think I could just fall back on. I think it also means I'll probably stop writing this stuff though, because I'll get bogged down in things like trying to edit them, or link them together cohesively when they're out of chronological order [Like the Hels/Wels fics, which currently are all over the place in their timeline, and will continue to be so probably]. Regardless it's an option.

Compromise 2: We can go back to the old standby which is me tagging anything longer than 3 paragraphs as "long post" and then if anyone doesn't want it popping up on their dash, they can filter the tag. I also don't like this option because it blocks even more than a readmore does. But it's quick and easy for me, and maintains the integrity of "I wanted to post this to Tumblr and not worry about it anymore."

This is all stuff for me to stew on. I don't expect people to weigh in on these options, though you're welcome to if you think you have some good input for it. But that's about where I'm at right now.

#spazzcat barks #delete later #answering asks #the readmore debacle #well that's exhausted me for the night #i was going to draw but now I think I just want to sleep #Anyway I hope no one takes this as me like? Threatening them? #I'm not trying to say 'arghh you've made me upset no more writing for you' #i just know myself and i know my personal hangups when it comes to productivity #and as soon as something requires marginally more hoops to jump through i drop it #i became inactive on DeviantArt because it was easier to post art on Tumblr and write a few tags #than to slog through the filtering system for posts DA had #Same thing with FurAffinity the short time I was on that site #And AO3 is really high on the threshold of 'this is more trouble than it's worth' to me #which is why very few of these quick fics have been archived onto AO3 #but if this turns into a thing where it's harder to post fics on tumblr than not -- i'll do like I did with DA and FA and stop posting #its a storied trend and i dislike it :'D

[aethersea]

you know what, I never do these things, but actually I’ve decided I would like to get to know people better! I would like to partake of the mortifying ordeal! I would like to talk about myself for a bit!

ok for the next...let’s say five days I will answer any of these things that people tag me in, or any random personal questions you plop in my ask box. I don’t have an ask meme on hand but just....pick one you’ve seen recently, or make up questions of your own, and I’ll answer. (the answer might be ‘nope that’s private’ but I will answer.) (@ the anon who asked for book recs - I see you, I’ve been thinking of books all day, I’m going to give you SUCH a long answer, I hope you don’t regret your choices bc it WILL be full of gushing)

alright, let’s go!

🌻 Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @booksandchainmail​

Last Song: I’m currently listening to “Falcon in the Dive” from the Scarlet Pimpernel musical on loop. I watched one or two Scarlet Pimpernel movies when I was just barely too young to fully get what was going on, and the story’s held an odd but deep-seated place in my heart ever since. A few years ago I found out there’s a musical and most of the songs are pretty stellar (go listen to “Madame Guillotine” if you like big ensemble broadway numbers, it’s a banger, the bit where he cries out for God has been running through my mind on and off for a few days now haha not like that’s topical or anything), so every once in a while I spend a few days listening to them a lot.

Sometime last year I read the actual book, and got super into the whole concept of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while. I plotted out Pimpernel aus for several fandoms, I read the entire wikipedia article, and I went looking for bootlegs of the musical. I didn’t find one, but I did find a full radioplay-style recording of the script, complete with full musical numbers, and listened to it like a podcast.

Reader, I was so disappointed. The play adds some scenes, bc a lot of the dramatic tension of the novel comes from internal conflict and that doesn’t stage super well, and the very first scene of this play – a play written in the NINETIES – features our dashing hero rescuing some aristocrats from a French prison, and then saying to the person in the next cell, who begs for rescue but is not an aristocrat, “We have enough of your kind in England.”

Enough! of your KIND! What in the merry frickety HECK my dudes!! The book has some rather unfortunate™ takes but it is from 1905, it’s regrettable but sadly to be expected. This play is from 1997. It has NO excuse. This scene wasn’t even in the book! What! the heck!

I was so disheartened that I lost my excitement for the play, and a couple songs later I stopped listening. It occurred to me just a few days ago that you could actually stage that ironically, with the person in the cell giving the audience a “can you believe this” look, and then the rest of the play could feature assorted non-aristocratic ensemble members constantly looking at the audience like they’re on The Office. And hey, maybe that’s what they did, or something similar – maybe that was never meant to be taken as a cleanly heroic stance, and the play deals with it in a complex way. It’s possible. I wouldn’t know. Kinda doubt it though, based on song lyrics.

Favorite Color: red, probably

Last Movie: I watched that new lesbian christmas movie with my family for christmas, the one with kirsten stewart and the guy from schitt’s creek. it’s very sweet and good and kinda sad, and I really enjoyed it. it also incidentally has the best gay best friend trope in probably anything ever, bc it’s not a trope (I didn’t realize until several hours after watching that it technically fits), it’s just a guy who is the protagonist’s best friend, and they’re just all gay, and then when he Gives Relationship Advice as a gay best friend always does, it’s advice about how to deal with your partner’s hangups around coming out.

actually every part of the gay best friend trope becomes better when they’re just best friends who are both gay. the big dramatic gestures (in this case, driving some ungodly distance in the snow on no notice) go from “haha how kooky” to “queer man will do anything he needs to to rescue his queer friend from an isolating & potentially triggering situation”. the relationship advice isn’t “honey you deserve some self-respect, treat yourself”, it’s a deeply sincere reminder of the vulnerability that is shared across almost everyone’s queer experience, and look I could ramble about this for a long time before reaching a coherent point but I’m INTO IT, okay? I’m into it.

Last Show: you want me to remember what show I last finished???? impossible, cannot be done, it was a long time ago and the adhd has eaten everything that happened before last week. here, instead I’ll tell you about another movie I watched, late at night with my mom in cozy companionship just a couple days ago. it’s called Quigley Down Under and it’s about a cowboy who goes to Australia and kills a bunch of racists, 10/10 would watch again. it’s from 1990 but it feels much older, with the music choices and the cinematography of a 70s Western. the cowboy is great, honorable and fearless and kind, but the breakaway star of this movie for me is the woman who attaches herself to his side and refuses to leave. her name is Cora, and she’s crazy, in the sense that she’s not altogether tethered to reality, but this never for a second diminishes her agency. she’s fierce and clever and compassionate, and she basically never does anything she doesn’t want to in the whole movie. her arc is about overcoming trauma by taking charge of her own fear and facing it head-on, she is never belittled or dismissed by the narrative or the protagonist, and look she’s just so cool. I love her. she’s so vibrantly alive. her story could probably have been handled with a bit more nuance, but honestly for the 90s it’s pretty great. I’m no expert, but I found nothing objectionable in it, just a bit of heavy-handedness.

anyway the theme of the movie is that racism is evil and racists deserve to be shot, and this too could have been handled better (not a single aboriginal character speaks a single line of english in this movie), but it follows through on that message in every way, while still being a fun kinda campy cowboy movie. overall a very good time.

Currently Watching: started showing my sister Hilda the other day, and she’s liking it! I love that show, it’s so incredibly cute. can’t wait to see season 2

Currently Reading: lmao I wish. lately the brain has firmly rejected all attempts to read anything of any length. currently pending, bc I was halfway through them when my brain stalled out, are tano’s fic What Does Kill You Can Make You Stronger, Too, a Toby Daye book - I think it was The Brightest Fell, I got like half a chapter in and haven’t picked it up in over a month, the Locked Tomb series, and probably a few other things too. ooh! also a book called Making Sex by thomas laqueur, which is my fancy academic reading that I’ve been doing in short bursts for the past year or two when I feel fancy and academic. it’s about the development of the concept of biological sex and of gender in Western society, and it’s fascinating. has among other things introduced me to the idea that until quite recently, fathers were a matter of faith. the mother? yeah, you can watch the baby pop out, we all know who the mother is. but the father? how can you know? how can you really know? we have paternity tests these days, but for all of human history up until now, we've just had to take fatherhood on faith. (not to mention we didn’t even know what fathers were contributing to the production of a fetus. clearly it was something, since you can’t get pregnant without a penis getting involved, but we have literally not known what until the past few decades. and that is wild. it has colored ALL of human history, all of our conceptions of society and family and kinship and gender, all of it, and it hadn’t even occurred to me until it was spelled out for me in this book, and it’s just......wow.

Salty, sweet or savory: for christmas my sister and I made seven different types of cookie, most of them involving chocolate somehow.

Craving: no bc I ate so many cookies. unless sleep counts. or maybe pringles, it’s been many moons since last I had a potato chip and I miss them.

Coffee or Tea: no thank you

Tagging: @coloursisee, @krchy-tuna, @sam-j-squirrel, @xzienne, @mirandatam, @viciousmaukeries, @sepulchritude, @elidyce, and @navigatorsnorth bc it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’m super hyped that you’re married now. v happy for you!

#finx rambles #finx has friends on the internet #be sure to tag me if you do this so I can go read it! #also you don't have to yammer on as much as I do #I'm just Like This you know #hmm perhaps I should readmore this actually #hmmmmmmm #I think I will use the excuse that it is 6 am to not do that #on account of how surely there are not many people up #and anyway this isn't meant for reblogging; you will only have to deal with this post once

[serifsans]

Findr is destroying my dating life.

Well, perhaps destroy isn’t the right word. It’s successful enough when I bother to make an effort, although sometimes it results in people stealing my wallet. That’s only happened twice but that’s two times more than I expected, though I suppose that's on me. It’s a bit exciting though, isn’t it? It means you have to buy a another and then replace all your cards with pristine, new ones and also someone owns something of yours, so there’s a special connection there.

And maybe dating isn’t the right word either, come to think of it. I don’t really like placing labels on things. It’s messy. Unnecessary. There are a lot of hangups associated with the whole dating scene and I really don’t need that stress in my life. I simply enjoy meeting new people, visiting interesting places, eating food, and so on. We don’t need to call it anything. Also, apparently I’m just a giant hussy according to someone I broke up with in the 80s, so there’s that too.

I digress, even if Howard can go fuck himself.

At any rate, Findr’s garbage. I hate it. Despise it. Still use it.

It’s all so sterile. I don’t mean that in the reproductive sense, though yes, I suppose some dates might be less sterile than others. It’s just so formulaic. Swipe one way to say no, swipe the other way for yes. Condense your personage down into a few pithy quotes from The Office. Start every conversation by saying ‘hey.’ What exactly am I supposed to respond with when you just say hey, Edward? I don’t want to be the one carrying this entire conversation here. At least send a horrible pick up line because it will work.

I feel like every man posts the same picture of himself with a fish and that must mean that trout and bluegill are critically endangered. You know, Chasten, you can post that fish picture all you like but you’re a stockbroker in Maroa, so I really do not think you actually fish regularly. I think that you have gone on exactly one fishing trip for the sole purpose of taking a photograph of yourself with a fish for the dating site clout. You know, a lot of people on various social media mock cliches in regards to photos women might post on dating sites but we really have to hold these so-called fishermen accountable. If you post a photo of yourself with a fish, I expect that you’ll be able to provide me fish. I don’t eat fish because I am mostly a vegetarian (I’m not going to go down into the specifics of whether or not my fries at restaurants are cooked in duck fat or not; if I am at a party or event and there is no vegetarian option and it would be rude not to eat something, then I will not be rude) but if you’re going to show something off in a picture, you best be able to back your ability up. I am complaining primarily about men here because I see more men than women but also because I typically like women much more than men.

I’m not going to post my thoughts on the ability to send pictures because this is a PG-13 website. ;+)

There are so many expectations people may have of you based off of what you write, your pictures, your bio, your everything. Do I have to disclose my species? People always have notions when they hear what I am. I don’t know how to answer gender questions. What photos of myself do I post? If I post photographs of myself looking a certain way, am I then obligated to stay that way around them forever? Should I change to people’s preferences? I am older than this country and that complicates my dating life in so many ways. Practically none of the long-lived organisms use that blasted app and when they do, they’re always looking for something else entirely. I am just here to occupy my time between workdays. I don't want a thousand+ year commitment.

In conclusion, Findr is wretched and I still use it anyway.

Of course, it wasn’t that much better in days of yore. In ye olde days of history, you would have to rely on dating friends of friends and so on, and it always complicated your group of acquaintances because you’re always dating someone’s ex and they have feelings about that even if they aren’t even romantically involved anymore. After awhile, you’re exhausted all options and have to move cities and find new social groups just to go on a dinner date.

You could go to bars to pick someone new up. You still can, of course, but it used to be the primary option of more people and now they’re all on websites and don’t respond to you after you say ‘hey’ back. Bars can be extremely enjoyable but when you don’t live in a major city, sometimes your only option is a dingy, dank place and sometimes you're just not in the mood for that. When you don’t live in a major city, sometimes you’re the only alien around and what are you supposed to do then, die a virgin?

Humans have the right idea. They have separate bars for the bears and the little party boys and the straight people and so on, so you can visit wherever your preference goes. Because there are less extraterrestrials than humans, you don’t necessarily see the same specialization in every city. I would like to filter out the little party boys from my sight, personally. Be gone and leave me alone, please. They look at my typical appearance and think that I am going to lavish money on them and why would I do that when I can buy things for myself instead? Go away, darlings. I’m on the prowl for recent divorcees looking to live it up a little.

I was personally a big fan of personal ads. If you went to the right magazine stall, you could pick up an obscure publication geared towards an alien audience and then scan through the personal columns until you saw a brief, coded ad that seemed intriguidng. It was always great because there was an air of mystery until your date arrived. Of course, sometimes you wound up going on a date with the same person multiple times because they kept taking out ads but that’s life, darling. It was also great because then the magazines would also have advertisements for various products and all of them were terrible. Having nice things is nice but it's also interesting to try things that are wretched. It's an experience and I seek out experiences.

I suppose the world always changes and there’s nothing you can do about it. All I know is that if I see another trout, I’m going to scream.

Love and kisses but not in that way,

Me

#my online diary

[comedyborderlinenonbinary]

BPD- When I go quiet

If you have been reading. Then you know, I've been away for few weeks.

I actually have a lot of shit in my head that I need to "let go"... if ever possible.

I'm older than you think. over 30. Still, I was diagnosed with BPD last year. only last year. I am on the waiting list to get mental help (for awhile now). Ever since diagnosed, I've been researching, reading and watching videos about the illness and people who live with it.

I can only imagine what it would be like to actually have help... how would it be like? how can therapy save me from myself? and most importantly. Would I ever be "normal" enough to experience a healthy relationship? would I ever be loved?-- trust me, the fear of dying alone and forgotten is very real.

I have days that I wake up having a lot things to do. I feel useful. I love getting involved with a lot of projects- to make myself feel included and with an aim, a goal... Sadly, it only takes one small thing to go wrong to completely loss all motivation, give up everything and decided it's time to die.

I know how it sounds. How a "small thing" can take you from A to Z in hours? well.... I overthink everything! one thing led to another and I went from: "we'll have a second chance at our next meeting" to: "this is the reason. the world is never going to change. I feel like a box my employers saw as an opportunity to get ticked. A token. I'm a nobody and I have to accept my role in this society, a pathetic loser."

I convince myself I will never be good enough: to fight for my community human rights, to keep applying for higher job roles, despite all the rejections, to have a family. I'm not worth it enough to steal anyone's heart . Her heart. I'm not worth it enough to have anyone remembering my name after I'm gone. I should simply not exist.

It is always the same thing, now I'm aware of it. I'm just too tired to carry on trying.

Everything new I start, I'm the happiest, the most positive and passioned human being. Then something doesn't go according to plan and then I'm done... Last Sunday (today is Friday), I sent an email to my project managers, I quit pretty much every single inclusion project I had... I'm a fraud! I'm not a leader, I'm not clever and clearly, I was unable to get diversity toilets (gender neutral toilets) at my work place. I failed to make my voice heard when I complained how I feel not being able to hangup to customers when they discriminate/ made fun or any other situation I had been put through. Now I'm paranoid and doubt every single person that comes my way, especially if they are white.

I cry every day, several times a day and for no apparent reason. Last Tuesday or Monday (honest cannot remember), I took one too many pills and ended up in hospital. At this point it feels very natural and organic visiting the hospital under those circumstances. Like, I was half gone while the doctor was talking to me, all I remember saying to her: "ok, ok, can I go home now?" then put my clothes on and left, another doctor followed me- I shouted at him and left.

I cannot explain it, but I really want to die. I honestly feel, I got nothing to do here. It might sound like an exaggeration, but it's true. I mean, main reason I'm writing this: I'm a burden to my friends and anyone who meet me and dares to get to know me (I know it is like that, imagine having a friend who is always doubting, sad and only wants to talk about depressing shit), when I call the helplines- if they answer, 50 minutes later they start asking me to call back again if I need to keep talking or advise me to go to sleep. I feel I have nobody to talk to... and love, damn it! I like a lot of women and I hit on all of them and they all say "I have a partner". I have to delete their number because I'm dying to find an excuse and text/call her? but she doesn't want to be with me anyways.... Just another (quite powerful, have to admit) reason to not be in this world anymore.

I was told I won't learn to control it, but how to live with it (BPD).

If that's the case, I could have stayed with the ex who abused me. I was definitely used to her and in a sick way, but I wasn't alone and we were still kissing and fucking. I would have never be able to control the situation, but I knew how to live with her.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this... I miss her, I want to be with her, I want her family to see me as a member and I want to be the one to remind her how beautiful she is every morning. I don't know who "she" is. I'm scared of living with only the production of my imagination and never really get to know her. But right now, imagining what it would be like, it's kind of what keeps me going... I'm not able to meet anyone new and the people I know, think that I'm a creative weirdo- still bad... and my "real" family, you know the one by blood- they are as far as they can be from me and my heart; almost wish I had forgotten their names, but cannot deny my roots. So, I still have it to remind me of them.

I'll leave it for now.

hopefully in future entry, it would be less chaotic and even positive... don't know.

#lesbians non binary bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd tag #bpd sucks #deppresion #triggering themes

[unfolded73]

What Love Should Be Like (1/1) - schitt’s creek ff

David x Patrick, post-Meet the Parents. Rated Teen. 3800 words.

(ao3 link)

_____________________________

Stevie positioned herself awkwardly on one of the two chairs that Alexis had set up in the lobby and tried to move sort of vaguely in rhythm to the music that was playing out of Alexis’ phone. “A soap opera convention,” she said. “That’s a thing?”

“Oh my God, yes,” Alexis replied. She was stretched out over her own chair, her ponytail brushing the floor, her legs not quite able to stretch out the way they were supposed to because the desk was in the way. “Mom made so much money, Stevie; I’m kicking myself that we didn’t start doing this years ago.”

Bye bye mein lieber herr farewell mein lieber herr it was a fine affair, but now it's over

Stevie hopped up on her chair and almost tipped it over.

“I mean,” Alexis added, “letting people take pictures of her feet is, you know, eww, but totally worth it.”

And though I used to care, I need the open air you're better off without me mein herr.

“Her feet?” Stevie rolled her hips and prayed that this wouldn’t be the moment that Mr. Rose walked in on them using the motel as an impromptu rehearsal space.

“Yeah, it’s a fetish thing. See--”

“No, I get that, it’s just--” Stevie tried to swing around the chair gracefully and bumped her elbow on the wall. “Fuck. It’s just, Mrs. Rose was okay with that?”

don't dab your eye, mein herr or wonder why, mein herr I always said that I was a rover

“Even Mom has her price.” Alexis pulled herself up onto a sitting position on her chair, knees spread and arms outstretched. She looked so long and graceful doing it, and it made Stevie jealous.

The door to the main office opened, and Alexis and Stevie jumped to their feet, hurrying to make it look like they were not doing a louche cabaret number at half past eight in the morning in the lobby of the Rosebud Motel. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer. There’s cinnamon rolls and coffee if you’re interested,” Stevie said.

Marcy smiled at her, and that smile was all it took for Stevie to imagine Patrick’s entire childhood, after school snacks in a warm kitchen and little league practices and magical Christmases. “No thank you, Stevie, we’re having breakfast at Patrick’s this morning.”

“We were looking for David, actually; thought we’d offer him a ride over,” Clint added.

Alexis’ widened eyes told Stevie everything she needed to know about where David had spent the night. “Oh, um, he probably went… for a run,” Stevie said.

Alexis laughed and then very quickly turned her laugh into an odd sound of what she probably imagined was agreement as she began to scroll through her phone so that she didn’t have to look anyone in the eye. “Yep, a run, that’s our David, always getting up early to… run.”

“Clint, I told you he’d probably spent the night at Patrick’s,” Marcy said with a fond eye roll for her husband, or perhaps for Stevie and Alexis’ terrible attempt to cover for the boys.

Visibly relaxing, Alexis’ breath whooshed out. “Thank God. Yeah, he’s over there more nights than not. I mean, I’m at Ted’s a lot too, so I don’t really know, but I do know a lot of David’s skincare products have disappeared, so he must have taken them over to Patrick’s.”

Stevie winced. There was probably a difference between Patrick’s parents acknowledging that he and David spent the night together and the realization that David had almost moved in, but the smiles didn’t disappear from their faces, so maybe it was okay. “Did you have fun at the party last night?” Stevie asked them.

“It was nice to see that Patrick has so many friends here in town,” Marcy said.

“Oh, totally; everybody loves Patrick,” Alexis gushed, her hands moving into what Stevie thought of as her T-rex pose. “He’s a precious little button-face.”

Patrick’s parents looked a little confused at this characterization.

“Also he’s made David into a person who is almost bearable to be around,” Alexis continued. “Like, he’s transformed him into an actual human.”

“Pretty sure he was an actual human already,” Stevie said.

Alexis squeaked out a ‘hmph’ noise in answer to that, already back to looking at her phone. “No, he wasn’t.”

“Okay well, we’re headed over to Patrick’s apartment then,” Clint said. “It was nice seeing you girls again.”

Stevie pulled out her phone and quickly texted David: P’s parents are on their way, put some clothes on!

~*~

“Okay, David, I’m really going to need you to get up now.”

David reached over and grabbed Patrick’s pillow and pulled it over his face.

“Look, I know you’re not a morning person,” Patrick said, his voice closer, “but as great as my parents are being about all this, I feel like them seeing you in my bed not twelve hours after they learned I’m gay might be a bit much for them. And they’re gonna be here in ten minutes.”

Flinging the pillow off, David squinted up at his boyfriend, who was fully dressed, his arms folded over his chest. His upper arms bulged against the thin knit of his blue sweater, and it made David smile. Patrick had very nice arms. “Come back to bed.”

“Yeah, that would definitely be too much for them,” Patrick said with a little smirk.

“Why are we talking about your parents right now?”

“Because, we made plans for today, remember? They’re coming here for breakfast, then we’re going to show them the store, then you offered to take my mom shopping in Elmdale while my dad and I go for a hike. Any of this ringing a bell?”

David sat up and flung the covers off, noting that Patrick wasn’t taking the opportunity to ogle him -- it was hurtful, frankly. “I want you to note that I did not immediately get up last night and put on clothes after… because it was your birthday.” David might be the more sexually experienced of the two, but that didn’t make him comfortable being naked in front of people, even Patrick.

Another suppressed smirk. “Yes, and I do appreciate that, but my parents for sure won’t.”

“Okay, okay.” David started to lever himself out of bed, then twirled his finger at Patrick. “Don’t watch me.”

“David…” Patrick said even as he was dutifully facing the wall. By this point he was intimately familiar with David’s hangups about his body.

Pulling a t-shirt over his head, David glanced toward the kitchen and saw that Patrick had been busy. The griddle was set up with a bowl of batter waiting next to it. “Pancakes?”

Patrick came over and kissed him on the cheek. “My boyfriend who threw me the best birthday party I’ve ever had definitely deserves pancakes.” He smacked David’s bare ass with an open palm. “Assuming he has pants on by the time my parents get here.”

“Mmm, do that again.”

“Not now, David.”

“Later?”

Patrick was already making the bed, smoothing the sheets down with the well-practiced motion of someone who’d been raised to make his bed every morning, a trait that David could not have identified with a few years ago. Living in the motel with Alexis had turned him into a compulsive bed maker. With so little in his life he could control, the neatness of his side of that room quickly became critical to his mental health.

Giving him a smoldering look as David pulled on his sweatpants, Patrick said, “Yes, later.”

The gritty rasp of Patrick’s voice in that moment made David’s stomach swoop, and he contemplated going over and kissing him, but his own unbrushed teeth stopped him. David opted for the wiser course and excused himself to the bathroom. “Ew,” he said as he caught sight of himself in the mirror, his hair sticking up on one side. He didn’t have time to shower or do his full morning skin care regimen, but hopefully he could at least tame his hair and wash his face before the Brewers arrived.

Those first few moments in Patrick’s parents’ hotel room yesterday, when David had thought he was about to take a homophobic firehose in the face, had been among the scariest of his life. But he’d put Patrick in this situation, albeit inadvertently, and it felt like the least he could do. He’d thought desperately, between one breath and the next, that if he could somehow absorb all of the Brewers’ prejudices into himself, then there wouldn’t be any left over for them to aim at Patrick. Then miraculously, they’d been fine with it. Fine with Patrick being gay, fine with Patrick dating David. He’d been so relieved that the room had felt like it was spinning.

David emerged from the bathroom just as a knock sounded on the door. Scanning the apartment one last time, his eyes traveled from the neatly-made bed to the small table beside it. David rushed over and opened the top drawer, sweeping a couple of bottles of lube into it and slamming it closed. “That was close,” he said, and Patrick shot him a grateful smile as he opened the door.

His parents hugged Patrick as soon as they came in as if they hadn’t spent the past evening with him. David wondered if it wasn’t only distance that had been separating them for the last year -- in keeping the nature of their relationship a secret from his parents, Patrick must have been holding a part of himself apart from them for a long time. Even if they weren’t fully aware of it, they must have felt the remoteness.

Patrick quickly went into host mode, pouring coffee and juice and starting to cook the pancakes while his parents asked polite questions about the apartment. David made small adjustments to the place settings around Patrick’s round table, feeling awkward and out of place. It had been easier the night before with so many people around, and with the responsibility of making sure the party was running smoothly to keep him busy. Now David just felt exposed, here with Patrick’s parents in the very small apartment where he regularly had sex with their son. He hated how important it felt for the Brewers to like him; it made David feel like he needed to crawl out of his own skin.

“So what gave you the idea for the store, David?” Clint was asking, and David jumped slightly at being addressed.

“Um, well… Stevie was bored one weekend and she dragged me to a farmer’s market in Elmdale. And there were all these local products -- really good stuff, actually, and it made me kind of furious that people were making these things nearby and the general store in town was just selling cheap, discount brands and canned vegetables. So when it closed…” He shrugged.

“He turned his fury into a viable business,” Patrick said, handing him a plate with four pancakes on it, lovingly arranged to best absorb maximum syrup.

“No, Patrick was the one who turned it into a viable business, I just had an idea. And flawless taste.” David took his seat at the table between the Brewers. “I wouldn’t have succeeded without Patrick.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Patrick shot him one of his trademark smirks, and it filled David with warmth. The Brewers chuckled.

“Patrick was an excellent student when he was in business school,” Marcy said with a proud smile.

“I’m sure,” David said with an eye roll that elicited more laughter.

The breakfast was easier than he’d feared. Marcy and Clint were easy people to like, and it was fascinating to watch Patrick talk to them -- it was like getting a window into the way his boyfriend had grown up. It explained a lot of his confidence. How could a person not be confident, bolstered by the unconditional love of people like this?

After the dishes were cleared and David had changed his clothes, they all headed over to the store. David unlocked the door, frowning at the sign in the window stating in Patrick’s neat, blocky handwriting that Rose Apothecary would be closed today. He was looking forward to a time when they could afford to employ some clerks so that the store hours wouldn’t rely on either him or Patrick being there, or worse, on Stevie or Alexis’ unreliable help. But given how important it was that Patrick spend some quality time with his parents, David didn’t begrudge the day of lost revenue too much.

The Brewers perused the shelves, suitably impressed by every item Patrick showed them. David pulled a feather duster out from under the counter, making half-hearted motions over the shelves as he listened to the soft hum of conversation from the Brewers. He could imagine it clearly all of a sudden, a future where they sometimes went to Patrick’s parents’ house for visits, even for Christmas. They probably put up slightly-too-garish decorations and baked gingerbread cookies and had embarrassing sing-alongs.

He wanted it desperately.

It had been several weeks now since David’s temporary insanity, when he’d convinced himself that Patrick needed to date other people. In the course of that day, he’d accidentally implied that he and Patrick would be together in five years. He still thought about the fact that Patrick seemed unfazed by that idea an average of once per day. David wished he was the kind of person who really could keep a boyfriend as wonderful and kind as Patrick forever, but he knew he wasn’t that kind of person. Surely Patrick would someday tire of David’s theatrics, of his selfishness, of his fundamental brokenness, and he would leave.

~*~

Patrick focused on his hiking boots, putting one foot in front of the other on the narrow trail. His father was silent at his side, the incline of this section of trail enough to steal the small talk from their mouths. They reached a turn of the switchback, and rather than lead his father further up the hill to his favorite spot, Patrick took him down an alternate path off to the west. Somehow it felt wrong to share the overlook where he’d agonized over his feelings for David with anyone else.

Now that the giddy relief of finally coming out to his parents had bled away, Patrick felt a renewed discomfort. Yes, his parents said they liked David, and they seemed to have absorbed everything about his life in Schitt’s Creek with endless acceptance and patience, but he still couldn’t help wondering if they wished for something different for him. If they wished his life had turned out more like they’d once imagined, settled down in a house with Rachel and a couple of kids, working the kind of safe, corporate job that his degree had prepared him for.

They reached a clearing, and his dad sat down with a grunt on a tree stump and took a long drink from his water bottle. Patrick stepped over beside him, looking down over the town below.

“When did you realize?” His father cleared his throat. “I mean, if you don’t mind me asking. When did you realize you were gay?”

Patrick looked down at his boots. “Truthfully? Not until I met David.” He chuckled. “I mean, the thought had occurred to me before. I’d felt attraction to guys, I guess. And things with Rachel were always wrong in a way I couldn’t define. But I thought I loved her, and so I dismissed the idea that I was gay, because how could I be gay if I loved Rachel? Turns out I just didn’t really understand what love was supposed to feel like.”

“I’m sorry that we failed you, son.”

“What are you talking about? You didn’t fail me.” Patrick finally met his father’s eyes, stricken that he would think that.

“No, I think on some level we did. Maybe we weren’t homophobic, but we also never suggested to you the idea that you might be anything other than heterosexual. We talked about you having a wife someday like it was the only option. My birds and the bees talk certainly wasn’t… inclusive. I just… I don’t know, I just didn’t think about it.”

“Dad, it’s fine--”

“No, it’s not. My own biases led me to assume you were straight because…” He shrugged.

“David would say, because I like baseball and wear mid-range denim.”

His father laughed. “See, I don’t even know what ‘mid-range denim’ means, but that probably would prove his point.”

Patrick laughed too, that same kind of relieved release he’d felt last night when his father had commented on David’s clothes.

“David’s parents were clearly better at this than we were,” Clint said.

“Maybe, but David’s parents had other issues, believe me. I like the Roses a lot and I know they love their son--”

“They seem pretty fond of you too.”

“--but I wouldn’t exchange my upbringing for David’s in a million years.” He moved closer and put a hand on his father’s shoulder. “I’m not convinced that it would have made a lot of difference either way; it’s not like my high school friends were paragons of inclusiveness. Please don’t blame yourself.”

His father sighed and looked up at him with a small smile. “Call it my parental prerogative to second guess whether I was a good father to you. And to wish I’d done things differently.”

“Well, think of it this way. If I hadn’t spent all those years failing to make things work with Rachel, I never would have run away to this town and I wouldn’t have met…” The love of my life, he didn’t say. It felt like too much to say out loud. “The point is, I’m happy now. That’s what matters.”

His dad reached up and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad, son.”

~*~

When David apologized for the limited selection of stores at the Elmdale mall for the fifth time, Marcy stopped and put a hand on his arm. “David, sweetheart, I told you it’s fine. How about we stop and have a bite to eat.”

Sweetheart. The fact that the little term of endearment from Patrick’s mother made him feel like crying was ridiculous, he thought, and he shook it off. “I could eat.”

They got bad Chinese food from a food court restaurant and settled into the brightly colored, hard chairs on either side of a small table.

“David, can I ask you -- if this is too personal, please say so, but can I ask what it was like for you when you came out to your parents?”

He laughed a little bit, stirring around the orange chicken on his plate as if that would make it taste better. “Umm… it was backwards, I guess?” When Marcy shot him a confused look, he tried to explain. “I’ve always been sort of like… this,” he said, gesturing up and down to indicate his whole… thing. “No one who spends five minutes with me doesn’t assume that I’m gay, my parents included. So coming out for me meant making it clear to them that I also liked women.”

“Oh, you’re bisexual,” Marcy said, nodding.

“Umm…” He thought about just saying yes -- it would be easier. But he hoped this was only the first of many times he’d be spending time with one of Patrick’s parents, so he decided to be honest. “I identify as pan, actually. Pansexual.”

“Oh.” Marcy mulled that over. “How is that different?”

“The labels are complicated -- I've known people who identify as bi who mean the same thing I mean when I say pan, but there can be nuances. It just means gender doesn’t figure into my attraction to a person at all.” He winced, anticipating judgement. “None of which has any bearing on my ability to be faithful to one person. Patrick and I are exclusive.”

“You don’t have to defend yourself, dear. I think it’s obvious to anyone who watches you together how in love both of you are.”

David felt his face flush, and he covered his lips with his fingers. The idea that his feelings for Patrick were so obvious was a terrifying realization; vulnerability like that had only caused him pain in the past. After a second, he squeezed his eyes shut and nodded.

“So I’ve heard the story of how the two of you met,” Marcy said. “Will you tell me how you started dating? If it’s not an inappropriate story for a mother to hear,” she added with a wink that made David recoil. Ew.

“Uh, it’s not,” he said, and cleared his throat. “It was my birthday, and my family was… busy, so I wasn’t planning to do anything. When I told Patrick that, he offered to take me to dinner.” He took a bite of his food and chewed. “I didn’t think it was a date, I just thought it was Patrick being kind to his business partner.” David took a sip of his water. “No, that’s not exactly true. I hoped it was a date. But I also didn’t know what Patrick’s preferences were, and also I was afraid I’d do something stupid, like kiss my business partner, so I invited my friend Stevie along.”

“Ah, Sally Bowles.”

“Patrick’s been keeping you up-to-date about the musical, has he?” When Marcy nodded, David added, “Whatever he’s told you about my mother, he’s probably being too kind.”

Marcy chuckled. “So Stevie came along on your date?”

“Only for a minute, because she -- never tell her I said this, but she’s much smarter than me and she realized immediately what was going on. So she quickly made her excuses.”

“And what happened?” Marcy said, clearly enraptured by the story.

“I did something stupid: I kissed my business partner.” David blushed again and shrugged. “But it turns out it wasn’t stupid, and… here we are. For some reason, Patrick continues to put up with me.” He threw his hands up in self-deprecating confusion.

“David, you’ve made Patrick happier than I’ve ever seen him. You planned that lovely party for him, and… and you came to see us alone yesterday when for all you knew, we were going to hurl hatred at you.” She put her hand over his on the table. “That took an enormous amount of courage and an enormous amount of love.”

His eyes filling with tears, David grabbed for one of the napkins on his tray.

“I’m sorry,” Marcy said, her own voice betraying tears. “I didn’t mean to make you emotional in public.”

He gave her a watery laugh as he wiped his eyes. “Oh please, I’ve cried in a mall food court at least half a dozen times.”

“Thank you, David, for showing my son what love should be like.”

David smiled at her through his tears. “Believe me, I could say the same thing about him.”

#david x patrick #david x patrick ff #schitt's creek #schitt's creek ff #my fic #it's so fluffy dot gif

[froggydarren]

best-laid plans

Dylan O./Tyler H. || ~2k || G || AO3

Summary:  There's a plan for how he'll come out. Dylan had more meetings than he ever wanted to, all to make sure it goes smoothly. Best-laid plans and all.

A/N: Written for the @fullmoonficlet​ challenge - prompt #315: plan

There are meetings and emails and then some more meetings. Dylan hates how much of a production the whole thing is, but he knows that it's not something that's avoidable. He knew it years ago and it's the reason why it took him this long to get to the point where he's ready.

In private, he's been ready for far longer than anyone knows.

Julia was the first to figure it out. She didn't push him, didn't even ask, but he knew that she had an idea before he ever said anything. Then, when he showed up at Pride, she just sent him a text with a row of heart emojis. On the outside it could have looked like he was supporting her but they both knew the truth.

When he finally came out to her—and it was her, there was never any doubt that it would be—she just hugged him and kissed his cheek then took a rainbow pin off her bag and moved it to his jacket. She knew without Dylan saying anything that it wasn't as simple on the grand scale, so she pinned it on the underside of the jacket collar. That way, she said, you'll know it's there but no one else will until you’re ready.

It was just as easy with his parents, in the end. He was a lot more nervous about that one though rationally he knew he shouldn't be, not with how they accepted Jules. Still, it was a big secret to share and when his mom hugged him and his dad patted his shoulder, Dylan let himself breathe out and cry with relief.

What was a lot more complicated was being out in public. For the first while it didn't matter, it wasn't like he went on dates or put relationships on blast. Still, he knew the world he was living in still had massive hangups and way too many bigots for an industry that was supposed to be open-minded. He remembered what secrets did to Colton and what the fallout was, the quietness in the background and the lack of opportunities that followed his public declaration.

Dylan also knew that if anyone would understand his reluctance, it would be Hoechlin.

They never talked about it, despite the adjacent topics and the drama around their roles in Teen Wolf. Despite their friends' coming out moments and their unyielding support for those who were out—Colton, Charlie, others who made the step to go public—and those who were not as outspoken.

He always wondered a little why he never opened up to Tyler in the first place. He had plenty of opportunities, face to face and through their frequent phone calls and texts. Somehow it always felt like too much. Like saying that he's bi would open the floodgates and maybe put cracks in their friendship. He never thought that Tyler would judge him, but there was something he was worried about that gave him the answer.

His crush on Tyler. The one that he had from the day they met, the one that he didn't hide as well as he wanted to—Julia told him once that it was visible from space. The crush that could be brushed off as professional admiration and close friendship when the assumption and outward image still was that Dylan was as straight as they come. Telling Tyler that he wasn't, that he was into more than just girls, that would bring questions. Or at least that's what the devil on Dylan's shoulder kept telling him, despite the evidence to the contrary.

That was why his coming out wasn't something he mentioned any of the times when he and Hoechlin talked since Dylan started planning for it.

—

It's simple, in the end. The planning stage turns out a lot more exhausting and complicated than the final product, the end result of all the meetings and strategizing. After all the talking, it comes down to Dylan being interviewed and asked about his upcoming role in a movie, one that is a lot more high profile than his first non-straight role was. In that interview, he talks about having this in common with the character, being as bisexual as the man he's portraying on screen.

The calls come in the moment the interview goes live. Julia knew, of course, as did their parents. Dylan didn't tell anyone else though, so the barrage of people who call and text to say something is almost exhausting. They're all happy for him, glad that he is happy.

But there's radio silence from the one person whom Dylan was hoping to hear from. There's not even a text message or any sign of acknowledgment from Tyler. Dylan spends a week pretending he's not disappointed and the world keeps turning as the fallout from the interview slowly dissipates and other things take over the trending topics and front pages.

He's sitting at home and reading scripts that his agent dropped off when the doorbell rings.

When he opens the door, his heart stutters at the sight of Hoechlin, looking like he just walked off a plane and ran across the city to get here. He's flushed, sweaty, fingers tight on the strap of his backpack.

"Hi."

Dylan chuckles as they speak the greeting in unison but his heart is racing.

"So, uh," Tyler starts and immediately pauses, looking like his brain is trying to think about a million things at once. "I didn't know what to say."

There’s no need to explain what Tyler is referring to. Dylan steps aside and nods towards the apartment, then watches as Tyler walks in hesitantly, only a few steps inside like he's keeping an escape path open.

"You didn't need to say anything," Dylan says, closing the door but leaving it unlocked.

"I did. I should have, a long time ago. But I didn't know."

"You didn't know what?"

"I thought it was just me and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable," Tyler blurts out and his cheeks flush a deeper red.

"What?"

Dylan's mind is spinning in circles, bringing up thoughts that he let himself think a long time ago, thoughts he didn't dare say out loud because he figured they were just hopes and dreams that would never be real.

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable now," Tyler continues like he missed Dylan's confusion. "And I didn't... I don't want you to think that I'm here only because you're out and... fuck, I don't know what I'm saying. I just, I never thought... and if there's any hope at all, I figured I should try."

"Hoech, what the fuck are you saying?"

"Fuck."

"Tyler."

"Shit, sorry, I know I'm not making any sense," Tyler says, cringing. "I thought about what to say on the way here, but then I saw you and I didn't... I forgot."

"Dude, if this is about the show and why we didn't do the thing..."

Dylan isn't sure why he's bringing up what was a sore spot in their past, but he can't think of anything else that it could be about. At least not anything realistic. It can't possibly be what he spent too much time hoping for.

"What? Fuck no," Tyler says. "No, that's water under the bridge. And that wasn't about either of us anyway."

"Well, I know that, but what is this about?" Dylan asks, waving a hand at Tyler.

He watches as emotions flash over Tyler's face, as he cringes and frowns, then as determination sets into his features.

"I'm gay."

The words fall into the silence between them and Dylan's brain screeches to a halt.

"What?"

Confusion seems to be the theme of the day, but Dylan is stumped. They're words that he never thought he'd hear from Hoechlin, never figured them a possibility. If anything—in his wildest dreams—he hoped for Hoechlin coming out as bi or just making an exception for Dylan.

"Look, I know this sounds like I'm just jumping the bandwagon, but I've known—" Tyler breathes out like he forgot to for a little while, then he inhales deeply before he speaks again. "I've known longer than I even admitted it to myself. It just... it's not been a thing I could be open about before."

"You could have with me," Dylan says quietly, then quickly adds, "and with Colton."

"I know. And well, Colton knows, I think," Tyler admits in a whisper, his cheeks turning red. "He didn't say, but if anyone knows..."

"Colton knows," Dylan tells him with a nod. "He may have hinted at my being bi before Jules figured it out."

Tyler chuckles and then his eyes dart toward the door.

"So, why are you here, Hoech?"

Dylan figures that direct is the way to go. He doesn't really feel like letting his mind wander and his hopes to fly too high.

"Okay. Right."

"Hoech."

"Yeah, I... give me a second," Tyler says and then he meets Dylan's eyes again. "I like you. Fuck, this sounds like I'm a middle schooler. Maybe I should have had a note like the kind kids do."

"You're rambling," Dylan says, his heart racing in anticipation.

"I am. Might be a little nervous."

"So. You like me," Dylan repeats just to make the words real. "Like, what way?"

Tyler's face turns even more red than it already was.

"Like I hoped we'd get to kiss on set because I thought about doing it ever since that boat interview. Sooner, maybe."

Dylan's world comes crashing down around him. It's not in a bad way, he just takes a moment to reassess a lot of the things he believed for a long time. He doesn't look away from Tyler as he processes the new information, a little afraid that if he does, Tyler's going to bolt.

"Oh."

The word slips from Dylan's lips after too long a pause.

"Look, I'm sorry," Tyler says almost immediately. "This was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking dropping this on you. I just thought—"

"Me too," Dylan says, but it's not to what Tyler just said, it's to the sentence before, the one about the past.

"What?"

"Me too. I mean, I wasn't completely sure then yet," Dylan explains. "But I've had a thing for you from pretty much the first day we met. It took a while to figure out that's what it was though."

"What?"

Dylan figures that the expression that he's seeing in Tyler's face must be the same as his was only moments ago.

"I only really knew after you left. When I missed not having you on set," he adds to his explanation.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They both fall into silence then but neither looks away. Dylan wants to do something, anything, but he doesn't want to jump the gun and move, worried that if he does he'll wake up and this will have been just a dream.

"So, with that said," Tyler says, breaking the tension. "What now?"

Dylan chuckles and that shakes off the anxiety that's been swirling in his chest. It's such a simple question and yet there is no answer that doesn't bring complications and chaos.

"Now like, right now, or now as in where do we go from here?"

Tyler shrugs. "Both," he says. "Right now I kind of really want to kiss you, but I also want to know if I can take you out for dinner or cook for you or whatever."

"Oh for fuck's sake," Dylan groans and moves forward, closing the gap between them. "You can't just... don't go stupid romantic on me, Hoech. I'm absolutely on board with the kissing thing, though."

"Don't wanna be wined and dined?"

"Don't wanna pose for paps while we're trying to eat, to be honest," Dylan says, smiling, as he tugs Tyler's fingers off of his backpack strap so he can link his own with then. "We can talk dining later. After kissing."

"I can deal with that," Tyler says and leans in.

When his lips brush over Dylan's, there's a spark, like electricity courses between them. Dylan feels his palms sweat and his heart race as he leans into the kiss, his free hand snaking around Tyler's waist. It's almost like they've been kissing for years—natural, simple, but still exhilarating and good, so good—the way they move without needing to coordinate or adjust. Tyler's taller than anyone Dylan dated before, which is a strange thought to have but yet it's the only clear one on Dylan's mind. Everything else vanishes as they kiss.

When they finally pull their lips apart, Dylan leans his forehead against Tyler's and smiles, then takes a deep steadying breath.

"So, uh, we're good at that part," he says.

"Seems so, yeah."

"You wanna talk about what's next?" Dylan asks, straightening his back and looking into Tyler's eyes.

For a beat, there's a teasing glint and the corner of Tyler's lips twitches. Dylan's about to say something about rushing things when Tyler speaks again.

"Not the right now next, though I hope there's more kissing soon," he tells Dylan. "Near future next though. Because you're out but I'm not and I don't know how public you want this to be. If it's anything other than just, well, this."

"It better be. And as private as possible would be great for me," Dylan says. "Do you want to be out?"

"I do." Tyler nods. "I wouldn't want to be a dirty little secret."

"Well, that might be fun. But exhausting." Dylan sighs. "You know, you're kind of derailing my plans here. That interview was supposed to be all of my effort to go public."

"I'm sorry," Tyler says, looking apologetic and contrite.

"Don't be. I've got the hard part out of the way, this is going to be good," Dylan tells him and leans in for another kiss, only a fleeting and soft one this time. "Let's leave the near future next for tomorrow. You said something about dining?"

"How do you feel about homemade nuggets?" Tyler asks, following the cue without hesitation.

Dylan grins and nods. Then he squeezes Tyler's hand and keeps smiling as Tyler launches into a ramble about what he'll need to make dinner.

All in all, despite this not being part of Dylan's plan, it's better than anything he dreamed of.

#hobrien #eternalhobrien #eternal hobrien #jen's attempts at words #otp: tension and the spark

[arbitrarygreay]

Soft Power (the play with a musical)

#soft power #soft power (musical) #david henry hwang #conrad ricamora #musical #jeanine tesori #leigh silverman #alyse alan louis #definitely deserves the actress tony if this makes it to broadway #sam pinkleton #category: musicals

[thunderheadfred]

For quite some time, I’ve been privately distracting myself with this soap-making pipe dream. Now I’m kinda actually percolating on more serious ideas, like who my target market would be, my mission statement, etc. Nothing that will come to fruition until I’ve done a LOT more research (and possibly stabilized a bit more mentally) but still... I find myself tinkering with immediate plans, goals for a few years from now, and crazy stretch dreams for the far future that I could maybe aspire to... 

maybe.

I feel like every time I try to take my life in a new direction it explodes in my face - and all my fault, I blame no one but me. Through failure I’ve trained myself to believe that putting any hope in any of my dreams is the pinnacle of delusion. So. I don’t know. I’m trying to be pragmatic. Trying not to be impulsive or stupid about anything. Trying not to lie to myself about how much I can actually do, given my track record. I’m trying to just... let myself brainstorm. Buffering the ‘intimidatingly big long-term dreams’ that seem too crazy to accomplish (opening a business in my hometown) with small, immediate goals (save part-time wages to buy supplies, host a soap making birthday party in July)

I’m turning 30 this year. That fucking terrifies me. Thirty years on the earth and I haven’t done anything - most of the time, I haven’t even managed to be happy or healthy. Hitting a major age milestone makes me really want to take steps to do SOMETHING I can be proud of. I’ve never liked the idea of working for other people long term, just because I know my limits and my hangups. Even so, I knew I needed a kick in the pants and I believe in honest work, so I applied to the grocery store.  I hope I can stay with this natural food place for a while to help out with expenses and start saving my own money, but I really want this to be a stepping stone to snowball into my OWN thing. The crowd who would buy handmade soap are exactly the type of people who shop at this store. I did not choose this shelf-stocking gig randomly. Yes, it’ll get me up out of bed and moving around four days a week when I otherwise would have been sedentary and depressed, but it’s also tentative market research. 

I feel like soap making looks simultaneously manageable and infinitely creative? One person can run a sizeable business out of a modest home studio. There are SO many amazing people out there running one-person soap companies and supporting themselves. Since there is so much pre-existing talent and variety, it can be HUGELY INTIMIDATING to want to enter that world, but even with so much competition... yeah. Soap still looks like something I could learn to do well and make money at. It lines up with so many of my natural interests and skills. Plus, my hometown is thirsty for this kind of handmade gifty local product and I also have a mother in law who works in a salon and could (conceivably) peddle my wares to a broader pool of rich people two states away. 

Maybe. If I just... somehow figure out how not to crash and burn along the way.

Trying to take this slow and think it through. But man. I think I am really serious about it, if also extremely skeptical and cautious. Took me months just to admit the thought out loud and write a blog post saying “maybe” lol. I’m so used to fucking up. I just want to work hard and make something I’m proud of. I want to support my husband the way he supports me. I want to contribute - make something. Period.

#personal #idk #is this stupid? #I feel so stupid for even thinking it #like I don't even deserve to have a dream? #ugh my brain is garbage

[chorusfm]

Now, Now Announce New Album; Stream New Song

Now, Now will release their new album, Saved, on May 18th. Today they’ve debuted the new song, “AZ,” via Fader along with a new interview with the band: “We’ve never had a summer-feeling album before, and I wanted it out to come out in the summer,” Brad says, and Saved certainly does sound like prime festival-season music — the kind of album that’s all but guaranteed to propel Now, Now to greater heights of visibility than ever before. Ironic, perhaps, when considering that the pressures of impending success made the album nearly impossible to complete. You can stream the song below, along with the full press release. Pre-orders will be up soon. Oh, and don’t sleep on this band and album. Trust me on that one. Now, Now are thrilled to announce the release date for Saved, their highly anticipated new full-length album, due out May 18th on Trans Records. The Minneapolis duo comprised of KC Dalager and Brad Hale have been hinting at the follow up to their critically acclaimed 2012 LP Threads for the past several months. They’ve tempted their fans with the release of singles “SGL,” which landed at #1 and #7 on “Best Songs of 2017” lists for Idolator and NPR Music respectively, and “Yours,” on which Pitchfork say Now, Now accomplished “a hallmark of a great pop song,” on account of “its ability to inflate the most unassuming feelings into towering sound.” They also paid a visit to NPR Music’s “Tink Desk” where they recorded intimate stripped down versions of each single. Today, they share new single “AZ” along with an in-depth interview on the making of Saved with FADER. In the coming weeks Now, Now will perform at SXSW and set sail on the Paramore PARAHOY! cruise before embarking on a tour across the UK and Europe. All upcoming tour dates are listed below. The title of Now, Now’s first new album in half a decade begs the obvious question… Saved from what? They certainly didn’t seem like a band that needed saving after the release of their 2012 LP Threads. When the world last heard from Now, Now, they had made their late night TV debut with Jimmy Fallon, and landed tours and shows with bands including Fun. and Bob Mould, among others. For better or worse, the usual path for any band that seems like they’re on the cusp of a break through is to strike while the iron is hot. That is, to hurry back to the studio to work with a proven producer known for having a hand in a few big records. Bands and artists that find themselves in this situation are compelled to “go big, or go home,” and in Now, Now’s case they did just that, they went home. It might not have been planned that way, but that’s where they ended up– back in Minneapolis without a clear sense of how to move forward. Despite any success or acclamation earned up to that point, self-doubt set in, and a crippling writers block entrenched itself further. Weeks became months, and months dissolved into years, all while the band’s modest but fervent fanbase were left to speculate on social media as to what was behind the silence. At a particularly low point relates KC, “I felt like I was pursuing the wrong dream, that maybe something else would reveal itself to me.” She felt pressure from both herself and those around her so immense that it froze her. “It felt like everyone was mistaking how much I was obsessing over the album for not caring about the album, but in reality I was putting too much pressure on myself to be able to write. So it felt like everyone was angry with me on top of me feeling like I was ruining my career and disappointing myself.” As a result she reveals, “I had some very difficult conversations with myself and with people close to me who were worried about my happiness.” “I still carry a little bit of guilt for adding to that stress that KC is talking about,” reveals Brad. “After a year of people around us asking ‘why is the album not done, your career is about to just be over,’ I as well started to question my career choice, to question my talent, and I started buying into this idea that KC wasn’t working, even though I was right there watching her work. That’s something I’m embarrassed by and wish I could take back. But through that we got stronger as friends and collaborators, and I learned the hard way that the only reason we make music is for ourselves.” Following a few years of frustration and introspection however, the ice began to crack while tracking the single “SGL.” “The production on that song was completely different at first,” recalls Brad. “It didn’t have that main acoustic guitar part, and it never felt right. But one day I picked up an acoustic, turned off all the guitars we had already recorded and just played, and that came out. It felt so natural. It was also the first time I felt KC be excited about hearing the way her voice sounded. There was suddenly a new confidence in the way she sung her words.” As trying as it was for Now, Now, and as baffling as it may have seemed to those on the outside looking in, this intense period of self-examination ended up bringing us the record we have today. No doubt a better one than might have come to pass had they managed to turn one around more quickly. The pair that had met in marching band and begun writing and recording songs together over a decade ago as teens, hadn’t yet been forced to set aside time to discover themselves. It was something they needed to do before they could advance. Part of that discovery process involved their sound as well. “It took me a lot of time to explore different production techniques to really find what worked for us,” says Brad, who in between Threads and Saved further developed his skill set behind the boards through a solo record under the moniker Sombear and work with other artists. “Figuring out how to make my voice sound has been a pivotal piece of us finding our sound again too,” explains KC. “We also tried to keep everything as timeless as possible. We are very influenced by classic pop and classic songwriting, and were inspired by the power and sustainability those types of songs have.” The guiding principle on Saved they agree, was to trust themselves and to not turn away from anything just because it was too far removed from their past material. “I was definitely scared at the start of the process to go outside of that box,” says Brad, “but I wanted to so bad. Once we really followed our own vision is really when things started coming together quickly.” “I know it’s been a long road,” says KC, “ but I wouldn’t change any part of it. If we had put an album out right after Threads, we wouldn’t have gone through that period of self-discovery. I think we would’ve continued to stifle our emotions and hide the fact that we were struggling as much as we were. We needed to hit rock bottom. In order to rebuild and come back stronger than before. I think we might have made an album that was timid and vague and unchallenging. But I know that’s not what we were meant to do.” Saved is anything but “timid and vague,” boasting the most direct songwriting and transparent lyrics the band have ever written by a mile. “I’d never felt comfortable being myself. I always felt like I needed to hide behind something,” says KC. “‘Back to the heart of it all’ from the song ‘AZ’ is the most important conceptual lyric for this album. This is the most exposed I’ve ever been lyrically. I’ve never been this open.” It’s also no small coincidence that the lyric speaks to the pair’s return to their writing and recording roots as well. While they initially started out in the studio, after completing “SGL” they finished the rest of Saved while working on ideas and tracking the album in their basements together, just as they had on their first recordings back in high school. When everything was done, with a fair bit of relief they sent the record on to Andy Park in Seattle for mixing. The only people who know the full extent of the meaning behind Saved’s title are Brad and KC, but it’s clear to see that salvation for them, at least in part, involved escaping the constraints of their own hangups and insecurities. All so that they might be free to grow into the people and artists we see and hear today on their new album. After such an arduous process, “it’s been really validating to see people on the internet and hear people at shows say they feel like the new songs are exactly the way they hoped we’d go,” says KC. “We’re lucky to have fans that care not only about the music, but about us as people,” adds Brad. “It blows my mind to hear people tell us their different stories about how they found out about us. It’s those moments that really keep me going. We feel really lucky that people connect with our music in such a deep and personal way.” --- Please consider supporting us so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/news/now-now-announce-new-album-stream-new-song/

[blaurascon-kzk]

KZK Discord Digest [ Week of Nov 29 - Dec 5]

SUMMARY: Kat has made preorders for the last round of Elemental Kirins available as of a few days ago. This was to ensure that rent and utility bills were paid on time - as of yesterday, thanks to you all, everything is covered! We don't intend to make preorders a regular thing going forward; Kat was in a bind for this and it was necessary. Check out below for more renders & previews! Speaking of previews -- I will not be syncing the teasers and WIPs channel to this tumblr. If you want to catch more early sneak peeks at stuff, I highly recommend joining the Discord. Links are in my profile on SL.

______

Nov 29

KatLast Friday at 4:30 PM @everyone I hope you all hade a good Thanksgiving, and for those of you who dont celebrate the systematic destruction of indigenous peoples and rampant capitalism, I hope you had a good thursday.

In all seriousness, and in the intended spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to say again how utterly thankful I am to have the honor and pleasure of helming a community of incredible people. Whether its greeting newcomers with open arms, or encouraging oldtimers to keep pushing forward, you've all been a huge inspiration to me to keep doing what I do and you've all been so kind and supportive to me as well through some of the worst parts of my life. I only wish I was better equipped to do the same for yours.

So while you recover from your turkey induced comas, please remember to tip your service staff, hug your pets, drink water, and call your folks, mk?

I love you all, and a happy(slightly delayed) Thanksgiving from kat, april and alex(my cat <3)

______

Nov 30

KatLast Saturday at 12:52 PM @everyone So, today I'll be taking an action that to some, might rub them the wrong way. In a few hours, I plan to make preorders for the Aeterna, Teknika, and Ragnarok available.

I don't like doing this when I've got nothing to show inworld, but I'm backed into a corner. My rent is due tomorrow(1350$), and my electric bill and storage bills are also due but I've got about 350$ to my name.

IMPORTANT: These preorders will be purely voluntary and optional. If you are NOT comfortable preordering an avatar, sight unseen, PLEASE do not feel like you're obligated to do so, especially if you're concerned you might be disappointed by its quality or that it doesn't meet your expectations. This also applies to people who are also struggling financially--Please take care of your own personal finances first, I'll manage.

Like the previous elementals, they'll be 1000L$, with the exception of the Teknika which will be 1200L$ because of the extra work that had to go into it. Remember that these elementals lack a lot of the major features of their primary avatar, but make up for it in uncommon, high quality parts great for wearing out of the box, or taking that special avatar to the next level as a mod.

This will NOT be a routine--I do NOT feel good about doing this, but I'm reaching the end of my rope. I'd hoped to have these done far sooner, but my desire for quality means the standards I've created these assets to is a trade off for time.(I'd hope to have these done by the 22nd. I know, right?)

For those willing and able to help out by preordering, thank you. And to those of you who'd like to wait, I respect and appreciate that as well--Your trust in me is one of the most important things to me.

More details coming later today. @everyone Should also mention that Nova preorders won't be available until I've made more progress on that avatar. At the moment, its so early in creation that no one can draw a clear conclusion of what to expect and even that's a bit too much to me.

PATREON SUBSCRIBERS: I will be suspending December billing cycle. I'd hoped to be done with these kirins soon enough to get everything ready to ship for December, but that just wasn't in the cards, despite pulling back to back 18 hour days. ALSO, I may have to pay out the ~600 USD sitting in that account, to help cover rent, if I can't work some kind of miracle with the Kirins. I ALSO do not feel good about this, but Eight months of fighting, planning, sleepless nights, and emotional breakdowns went into getting this place... I'm terrified of losing it.

I'm terrified of failing and going back to Louisiana. I'm terrified of losing my best chance at freedom and happiness in the last ten years.

KatLast Saturday at 7:53 PM @everyone It is with.. gritted teeth that I say this, but the Kirin preorders for the Ragnarok, Aeterna, and Teknika are now available in the main store.

I know the last several years have been a constant barrage of me constantly asking for everyone's patience and forgiveness, so if you decide that you'd rather wait for the final release, I understand and respect your decision.

But if you're willing to, any support you can offer is deeply appreciated. Just because I've put them up for presale doesn't mean I'm not working on them. Once I confirm there's no major hangups with the vendor, I will return to my work to get the Nova into a presentable state and work as quickly as I can to release the final 4 kirins in finished, working order, as soon as I can.

I look forward to the day where I no longer have to make these kinds of posts.

KatLast Saturday at 8:24 PM @everyone Also, here's another look at the RAGNAROK, rendered in marmoset (Skin color will be black and a dark reddish purple color palette)

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Dec 1

KatLast Sunday at 4:13 AM @everyone The nova, oddly enough, has been one of the hardest ones to design, but as I fiddle with colors and options, I find myself approaching a look I can be pleased with. Here's a teaser of the mask that the Nova will have:

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Dec 2

KatLast Monday at 2:06 PM @everyone This morning I awoke to find I'm within 20kL of meeting my goal, and when combined with what I've got in Paypal, I will be able to make all my bills this month, by end of day.

This new chapter in my life hasn't been the easiest, but when compared to people who will spend christmas in the back seat of their car, I still count myself extremely lucky. Had I the means to get them out of the cold, I'd so so in a heartbeat--passing on the kindness and generosity shown to me by you all.

I've talked alot about my mental state. I've struggled with burnout and depression for years, always retracing the same old problems and never finding a solution that worked.

Since finally getting a place to live, I find myself flourishing creatively, and emotionally. My motivation is returning to me, one day at a time, and each day it gets easier to smile.

I have all of you to thank for this. I couldn't have done it without you.

Going forward, I intend to put this newfound energy to good use and channel it into productivity--Addressing the long overdue Direwolf Update, the preorder skins and bonus plush set, and finalizing the updates to the devkit to make it free to download.

I know its just words now, but I am nothing if not motivated to keep up the pace. Eviction is scary. I finally got someplace where I can be happy and I'm terrified of losing it and going back to Louisiana. I truly love it here, so I promise I will do my best to avoid that, and to do right by you guys.

Here's to the future. :beers:

______

Dec 3

KatLast Tuesday at 3:17 AM @everyone As of this moment, I met my goal! Thanks to some very generous last minute contributions from some friends, I was able to raise all of the money necessary to pay rent. Some of that was loaned, some was given as gifts, but regardless, I am deeply grateful.

Keeping my gaze forward and my hopes high. Thank you all. I don't deserve you all ;3;

______

Dec 4

KatYesterday at 12:01 AM @everyone Because I decided that the Nova had to be covered in intricately carved lines, it took me a couple days to get everything sculpted, shaded, and composited, but here's a preview of the Nova! The black areas will be invisible/use the  base kirin textures (recolored to match the Nova's palette). And there'll be a purple orb hovering between the two points on the tail.

KatYesterday at 3:08 PM @everyone Hey folks, sorrya bout that bit of spam earlier. When adding new roles and shifting channels around, some permissions got forgotten/messed up, allowing a spammer to slip through. They've since been banned indefinitely, and the loophole patched. We now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense. :heart:

KatYesterday at 6:40 PM @everyone so thanks to everyone's incredible support, rent is paid and all my Bill's are covered for the next month.

With exception that I might have lost my replacement birth cert so I get to have fun going thru all my belongings to find that...

Either way, full steam ahead!! <3

#kzk-dd #kzk

[timemachineyeah]

Genie. Siren. Banshee 🙂

Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?

I just scoured my blog, because I knew I’d written this up before, and I had. So here’s my One Wish, if I had One Wish: 

Okay. You know a Christmas Carol? Scrooge is fucking up his life and the life of everyone around him in ways he doesn’t even realise, and then over night he gets a catered-to-him education/therapy session and wakes up a functioning self-actualized person with his shit together? What I want is that, times like a thousand plus a basic education thrown in for kicks, for EVERYONE ON EARTH. SIMULTANEOUSLY. Like I just want time to stop while we’re all visited by omniscient omnipotent dream ghosts and the dream ghosts work as tutors, therapists, and life coaches for all of us. At once. 

Some people might learning reading and writing, computer skills, work out their issues with their mom, get some medical advice, sex ed, parenting classes for everybody, the scientific method, logic and reasoning, statistics, biology, sociology, history, economics, government, world religion and religious history, first aid, age-appropriate pediatric dream ghost counseling for kids, just. Everything. Hey there creationist, evolution is real and so is global warming and being gay hurts nobody. Hey there politician, you think you worked hard for your position but you did not, here’s how it was handed to you. Hey there, what he did to you? It wasn’t your fault. No part of it was your fault. 

Also like time is meaningless in this ghost dream quest so like wanna learn Korean or something? We’ve got forever. Do it. We’re gonna work through your fallacies and your hangups and give you basic education, sure, but also if there’s something you really always wanted to learn like, time is meaningless, why not?

And only when everyone has completely thoroughly finished their Christmas Carol Turned Up To A Million dream ghost experience are we all sent back to our lives (SAFELY, no like suddenly pulling people out of and then putting them back into moving vehicles or anything) and then like EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, including me, would have their shit together. Donald Trump would be like “Oh, fuck, I can’t believe I ever said that shit”, voters everywhere would be like “We gotta change the whole system”, and like maybe we wouldn’t all be in absolute agreement on everything but we all would have been given the tools of conflict resolution and effective speaking and recognizing logical fallacies in our dream quests so we’d all be a lot closer to having productive ideas and conversations and finding agreements. 

And I would never have to watch simple to fix things go completely unaddressed or get further broken by jerkasses who think broken is fixed because their values are so backwards. 

Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?

I would make Kim Jong Un, like, stop being a dictator and also stop playing with nuclear anything. 

Basically I’d make him call the UN and be like “Hey come here and help me turn myself in for being a shithead and also peacefully transition the country into a free-speech promoting representative government.”

There are lots of people I’d like to make behave differently, but he’s the one with most unilateral power, meaning making him do something has the most immediate drastic positive effect. 

Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?

However they want to spend it. That doesn’t seem like it should be up to me. 

Alternatively: Somehow acquiring the expensive (and semi-illegal) tech and flash-freezing them in a cryogenic chamber until I can make it so they won’t die. 

UNLESS. OH NO.

IT’S A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY. 

They weren’t gonna die until I knew they were gonna die and it’s my attempting to freeze them that ends their life early. 

Oh shit. Oh no. I’m so sorry friend. I was only trying to save you!

#timemachine wuz here #ask meme #anastrophilesworld

[liferewound]

Get Over It. Soldier On. That's Life. Everybody's Got It Bad. It Could Be Worse. Move On...

It's been a while, but that's not why I'm here.

When I got to Portland, Oregon I was excited. Wife had a job opportunity, and being a fiscal filmmaker I could do my job from anywhere. If I was needed at any production company in LA for consultation it was a 2 hour flight. Not bad. I first set out to find where the Portland film community was. I read an article talking about the top 10 cities in America for cinema, and it listed Portland around 6 or 8. I got in a group right away. The leader of it wanted to create a collaborative group of people who change roles when needed and everyone gets a share, something for their own just for the love of film. It sounded too good to be true. It's what I always dreamed of: a small team of filmmakers, making films for the sake of storytelling and that's it, rinse and repeat. Great! Well, it was too good to be true. The leader had an ulterior motive. The signs were creeping out over time, and it became apparent that all he really wanted was to have a catalyst for his own advancement in whatever he was aspiring. You simply don't do this: mislead people and lie. It's hurtful and wrong. And consequently, I was kicked out of the group for approaching him about it. But, it didn't matter, his phony bologna promises and sells-pitches lost steam and everyone left him eventually, but I know he's still around; lying and bullshitting his way into jobs. Great kick in the nuts start. I met a couple guys who seemed like real nice people, serious about film. But the more I found out about them the more I realized they were like the head-spinners I dealt with (and was tired of) in LA: talk and talk and talk, and yeah-yeah-yeah definitely if you ever need me just call - but when push comes to shove their word is worth nothing. You're just a piece of meat to them. So after a while of dealing with this constantly, I got stranded. I had no place to go. No idea where to search, and I still don't. The people I keep coming across are very arrogant for, let's not kid ourselves, unprofessional professionals - acting, cinematography, sound, producing, grips, writing, etc, etc - and all of them expect Hollywood industry standard rates for sub-par work. They just don't have the experience worth that pay, nor a track record for reliability. But enough of that...

I am in a hell of a bind. Trying to find a community that loves filmmaking for filmmaking sake, but stumbling into mess after swamp of socio-political agendas, out of whack egos, and the opposite: tight-knit groups were you're not allowed in. I can't understand it. And I'll never understand how people can treat others so badly and never bat an eye about it. It has never crossed my mind to tell a person one thing and then do another. I'm a man of my word: what I say I mean, and what I mean I do. That's it. I don't lie and I don't cheat. So, when I come across hollow promises and people who are somehow beloved for having these traits, it's fucking mind boggling. It's like awarding a degenerate for fucking people over. Maybe what I'm doing is wrong and they're in the right. Maybe that book about evil being more powerful than good 100/100 was spot on the nose. And I need to be evil to get anywhere. That aside, nothing has gone good for some years now. I'm at a stalemate. Here I am, partially talented, yet unable to find a single person who wants the same things I do for the same reasons: love. And I know they're out there somewhere, but I simply can't find like-minded people who just want to merely hangout, without some lame, fantastically horrible hangup getting in the way, lt alone for film. I feel like Franz Kafka without the talent. These are only some of the problems I've been dealing with. If I went into all of them: the people, businesses, police, and the city itself, I'd have to take to writing a novel. My wife hates this place now. She used to think it was gorgeous, and now, she simply refers to it as, "A place with the most amazing clouds, tress, sunlight rolling over grass hills. A fantastic landscape and sometimes great weather. But it's like someone built all that beauty and decided to drop in the most dumbass, slow, fat and lazy people in America as a cruel joke. And it's not funny." So what does somebody do that is trying desperately to find people, not only in film, but maybe just some like-minded friends, and keep the wife happy? I have no idea. I have no fucking clue. I try diving into my work, I write and I read, and I write and I study and I write and I write and I kill my brain. My little room becomes my prison. I try to take part in meetups I can find, that don't discriminate against straight men (yes, that's a thing here), and do my best to get along. But nothing works. Nothing is happening. I'm a man on a tightrope. And having to rely on other people in order to do what you want to do isn't fun. Having no money isn't fun. Dealing with problems day in and day out isn't fun. And being lonely just isn't fucking fun. I'm in my own private hell. No wonder why most of the people up here are alcoholics. What an unanswerable predicament. So much so that I'm writing here. In this blog no one reads. What do I do? Stay miserable and hopeless, and watch all the drunks and druggies and homeless twenty-something college kids scream and yell because they're confused about the world? Continue to beat my head against the wall trying to find people who I can relate to, that aren't just trying to use someone as a ladder? Or how about, jump off the nearest fucking bridge? It's starting to sound like best option. Suicide has crossed my mind more than enough times to make it a common theme in the twisted threads that make up my brain's impulses. But that's my retirement plan, and I don't feel like I'm at that age just yet. What do you do? What?! No one can tell me: Counselors, therapists, psychologists, wives, hotlines, the internet, books, books on tape, my own work, a journal, meditation, yoga, classes... Nothing. Nothing helps. You know? Tell me. How long do I go before I start believing those thoughts that I'm shit, that I'm just not good enough, or what everybody may think about me is right? That I should pack it in. The frustration is insurmountable. And I know I'm not alone, but I just don't know where to find those other people like me. "If people just gave you a chance they'd realize how nice and incredible you are. What the fuck is wrong with them?" - my wife. She sees me through wives' eyes, but she's probably the only reason I continue on, despite the problems I've never asked for, which goes far beyond storytelling and my dreams and right down to that dark, ominous place in my soul that exists. The DNA and biological makeup that makes it just suck to be me. I have no solutions. I have no answers. And there is no path between the trees. It's all turning to anger, and quitting isn't an option. This is all I'm good at, I have no fall back. How do you quit you? It's my blood, yet I'm failing. But why bother going on if no one gives a fuck about you? Why continue bullshitting yourself that someone out there cares when I'm constantly meeting people who just don't. I have no ego, I have no hangups (except this), and I have love to give, and I'm a loyal person through and through. These are the only things I know one-hundred percent about myself to be true. But, those things seem to have no worth, and I just don't get it.

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#life rewound filmmaking #writing film fiscal filmmaker life rewound filmmaking #writing #film #fiscal filmmaker #life rewound

[operarox]

The Value of a Sensitive Stage Director

In my career so far, I’ve worked with over a dozen stage directors. They each have their own way of doing things-- their own strengths and weaknesses, their own personalities, their own processes, and their own hangups--, but this production of Sweets by Kate has reminded me of the utmost importance of a sensitive director for the creation of good and inspired art. Let me explain.

I’ve found that my best work as an actor happens when I feel safe enough to be vulnerable on stage. Being vulnerable is not only terrifying, but (as an introvert) it doesn’t come naturally to me. Honestly, I doubt that it comes naturally to many, but that’s another conversation. The real question is: how can I be vulnerable, how can I feel safe, if I don’t trust my stage director? And how can I trust my stage director if they (knowingly or otherwise) trigger me or my cast mates?

This concept came to the forefront in my life yet again during one of my recent productions in which I was (unintentionally) triggered rather often by the stage director during the staging process. It never failed to shut me down, at which point I had to work hard to open myself up again so that I could continue acting and performing in the way that I want to and in a way that I can be proud of.

All of that said, I am supremely grateful that I was able to hire one of the most sensitive directors I know, Amber Treadway, for this run of Sweets. This opera has about every single trigger possible in it for me and it would be very easy for me to shut down during the process. On the flip side, these themes and situations, when handled with grace and sensitivity, allow me to heal from the real life situations that caused these themes to be triggers in the first place and this safe place allows me to portray the story with utmost truth and transparency. I only hope that this leads to memorable, moving, and meaningful art through my, and the entire cast’s, performances. 

I saw Amber’s sensitivity in action during my work with her on OperaRox’s production of Le Nozze di Figaro. I never expected Cherubino to be triggering in any way, but something popped up suddenly in a staging rehearsal and I felt myself shutting down. I’m not even sure how it read to her in the moment, or how much she understood about what was happening, but she just looked at me with the kindest expression and said, “It’s okay. You’re okay.” And immediately, I was able to pull myself out of it and continue working. 

Directors like this are special and extremely important to the future of great art. I’m so lucky to not only know her, but to work with her for the second time and to have her on this important project. I can only hope that directors like this will be valued as they should be and brought into the limelight of the opera industry.      

#opera #opera tag #director #stage director #theater #art #actor #artist #musician #opera singer #about me

[jam2289]

A New Plan for the International Society For Philosophers

I need to reassess my original plan and formulate a new one for the International Society For Philosophers.

I wrote one essay for the ISFP quite a while ago on this blog. The director liked it so much that he put a link on his website, but I never officially submitted it. Then, I didn't do the other three that I need to do to complete their Associate certification.

My original four ideas were: The Meaning of Life, The Most Important Question in Philosophy, The Creative Ape, and Violence and Society. Here's the original article on those four ideas.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2017/10/concerning-international-society-for.html

I did four blog posts on the most important question in philosophy. It came out well. Here's the link to the first in the series.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2017/10/the-most-important-question-in.html

I didn't do the other three ideas, even though I have published something like 100 blog posts since then. The meaning of life subject is a big one, maybe it has been too big. I've hit on that subject in several of my articles, but I haven't attacked it so directly. One of the most famous works on the subject is "Meaning in Life and Why It Matters" by Susan Wolf. I don't think that book is very good. Before I really formulate my own article I think I might do an extensive critical commentary on her work. I will need to get copyright permission to do that. Then, after that, maybe that would be the time to tackle my own view on the meaning of life. Or, to write them at the same time.

The idea of the creative ape is to dive into epistemology, or the theory of knowledge and knowing. I often comment on that subject in my other articles too. But, it's another huge subject. I think I shy from writing on these so directly because I'm still working out my thoughts on them. The issue with that is that my thoughts on these subjects will never be fully worked out. These are not things that you can fully solve, so it's easy to keep putting off writing about it. That's an issue that I've been getting over more and more. My starting to get past that personal hangup has been why I've been able to write on some controversial subjects like global warming, IQ, politics, and flat earth even though I would've preferred to know more about them before I did so. At some point you have to stop waiting. Studying can be good, but at some point you have to be productive. That's been a hard thing for me to enact.

The article about violence and society I'm not particularly interested in writing now. I recently wrote an article called "On Resentment as the Path to Destruction". In there I talked about a number of mass murderers and such. That's not very fun to write about. But, I do have notes on articles about political corruption and jurisprudence. Those subjects partially overlap. The resentment article is here.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/02/on-resentment-as-path-to-destruction.html

The word count for these four essays is between 2,500 and 4,000 words each. I already have the one article done, so I only need three more. I was thinking about new subjects, or adapting some of what I've already written. I also have notes for over 100 articles that I haven't written and published yet.

I've written two articles on Harry Potter that focused on evil, and one article where I talked about him as a hero. So, I thought about writing an article like "The Presentation of Good and Evil in Harry Potter". Here are the Potter articles.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/why-is-slytherin-house-bad.html

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/what-makes-voldemort-grindelwald-and.html

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/02/john-galt-harry-potter-and-hero-problems.html

A few articles that might work which I have notes on but haven't written yet would be about communication and the semantic triangle, motivation in literature and when a plot ends, closure in literature and how that works psychologically, and the fallacy of the association fallacy.

I've written two things that might work great. I'm just a little hesitant about them still because I named them after myself and that still seems a bit odd to me. But hey, I thought it was as good a name as any. The first is Jeff's Razor, which is the idea that the overall peace and prosperity of a society is directly proportional to the voluntary to involuntary transaction ratio. That has some strong supporters, but it was also ignored by several people I know in economics. It's more of a moral argument anyway. There's also Jeff's Hammer, which is an epistemological concept. It's a metaphor that helps to explain why any given thing is always more complex than your current conception of it. That article was oddly popular. I was surprised and happy with that. Here are the links for those.

Jeff's Razor

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2018/11/introducing-jeffs-razor-framework-for.html

Jeff's Hammer

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/02/jeffs-hammer-conceptual-tool.html

I wrote an article on why people may be turning towards the flat earth idea that is the best discussion I've ever heard of on the subject. But, it seems that there really isn't anyone that's interested. All of the people that like flat earth don't like it because I'm not on their side. Everyone else doesn't really care about it enough to read an article on it. Here's that article.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/flat-earth-truth-and-conspiracies.html

I wrote an article in favor of global warming that earned me both love and hate mail. That was interesting. It's polarizing, that's for sure. I'll probably write another article on that either way. Here's that one.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/pro-global-warming.html

I wrote an article on suicide that has had a lot of support, quite a number of shares in psychology groups on Facebook and positive comments from a number of psychologists. That also goes with my first philosophy essay that I already have done. So, that might be worth exploring as an option. That one is here.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/an-interesting-note-on-suicide-from.html

I wrote an article on the political spectrum and why it doesn't work that drew some attention. The major issue is that I didn't present a solution because I didn't have one. If I could work on a better solution that might be a worthy subject. That one's here.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2019/01/two-problems-with-current-political.html

I've also been thinking about a new theory and practice of literary analysis, but I haven't developed it yet. There's also Theoconceptualism, which is a religion that I've been working on laying the foundations for. I have a few articles on that, but it's still just emerging. Here's one of them.

http://www.jeffreyalexandermartin.com/2018/12/the-impetus-for-theoconceptualism.html

I have a major issue with deciding things like this. It has probably been the main problem in my life. If you can't decide what you want it's hard to get anything, if you can't decide where you want to go it's hard to get anywhere. It's an emotional issue. I have a sufficient intellect. But, even if you have a high IQ you can't figure out the outcomes for basically any decision. There are people that have a disconnection between the emotional and intellectual processing centers in the brain. These people can do just fine on IQ tests. But, they can't choose whether they want a black or blue pen. There are just too many possible consequences for such a choice, so they get stuck trying to analyze them. I'm not that bad, but it's the same problem. (I have tried many self-development methods for making these decisions, with little success. I have designed several myself without much success either, although they were probably as good as the famous self-development ones. I am in the process of designing a new one now. I have some hope for it. It currently has no name.)

Alright, let's list the ideas here and see what we're dealing with.

1 - The Meaning of Life

2 - The Most Important Question in Philosophy

3 - The Creative Ape

4 - Violence and Society

5 - On Resentment as the Path to Destruction

6 - Systemic Legal Political Corruption

7 - Truth and Jurisprudence

8 - Good and Evil in Harry Potter

9 - Squaring the Semantic Triangle

10 - When Does a Story End?

11 - Epistemological Closure in Literature

12 - The Association Fallacy Fallacy

13 - Jeff's Razor

14 - Jeff's Hammer

15 - The Flat Earth Mind

16 - Pro Global Warming

17 - Why Stay Alive?

18 - A Better Political Spectrum

19 - Towards a Better Religion

Well, those are the ideas that come to mind right now. I already did number 2, I would just have to edit it, which might be quite the job. I just need three more, but which three are the best options? Decisions, decisions.

I'm shying away from 1, and 3, and 4. I don't think I would like writing 5. I think Bastiat did pretty good at 6. I still need to work out what I'm doing with 7. 8 could be good, but is it cut out for this type of thing? Maybe. It might be so long that it would work for the dissertation though. 9 could be good. 10 will probably be too short. 11 will probably be pretty short too. I might do that one as an essay to go in a coffee table book as part of an art contest. 12 is probably going to get crazy the way I'll do it. I'll just do that on the blog I think. 13 is good, I just need to come at it from a different angle. 14 is good, I think. It seems like a small deal to me, but people seemed to connect with it. 15 seems to be boring to others. 16 probably won't work because I don't really want to study it enough. 17 could be good. 18, I'm not sure if I'll come up with a good solution. Even if I do it probably won't be anything profound. 19 won't do. That's really a different project entirely. We'll see if I get to that one in this lifetime. I forgot to put literary analysis on the list, but I'll skip that for now.

That means our real options are: 8, 9, 13, 14, and 17. Alright, that's more than three, but those are the ones I'll be thinking about. 9 is the only one out of those that I haven't written articles on yet, so I think I'll do that and then decide which ones I want to adapt for the final essays that I'll submit to the ISFP. Well, that's a plan at least.

________________________________________________

You can find more of what I'm doing at http://www.JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

[nekhs]

empty rambling

title

I haven’t written lately much, and that’s probably because I’m just tired - that’s a lie, it’s the depression, you fucking know it’s the depression.

It’s just nicer to say ‘I’m tired.’

I’ve been off my meds for ages now (like a few months) and mostly I do fine. Mostly I’m almost productive. Mostly.

And then it’s six in the morning and idleness hits me like a ton of bricks and there’s no one - literally no one - I feel comfortable talking about My Bullshit to who’s around, so I’m here, writing this, not that it matters, this is stupid.

The bottom drops out of my emotional state and ‘sort of okay’ gives way to ‘hey so that existential despair’s still going strong.’

Good to know.

I should try to set up any kind of goal at all. Just one. Something to work toward that’d have a finished product of ... something. Everyone’s after mounts or outfits or housing or whatever, and I just ... don’t. On the rare occasion I get anything for myself it’s an impulse buy and I regret it for the impulsivity and the fact that I didn’t need that, not really.

It’s just, I don’t want things. 

The main thing I want is functional neurotransmitters tbh. It’s like everything is dull, like - no matter how good things are, no matter how great something goes, no matter if I get the loot or do well or whatever, it’s all so fleeting. Nothing matters, no accomplishment is enough. 

The Tetris theory of emotional engagement - success is washed away but failure ... washes away, but slower. If, after a brief, teeny-tiny dopamine rush, the emotional reponse is the same before an accomplishment as after - or the emotional response after an accomplishment is actually actively worse - then why go to all the effort?

And in this emotional state it’s not like we’d even remember any of the good times. There must have been some kind of achievements in our life, some kind of positivity, some kind of success, but we can’t see it in the fog.

Maybe we should write that shit down.

I hate how empty my head is.

I do things mostly so that there’s something to fill the empty space.

It takes a long time to formulate complete thoughts, like this. Brain fog, I guess, is a word for it. I still type at 90 WPM - if I were just copying, there’d be some kind of speed - but to put together a complete thought?

And it just sort of slips through our fingers.

You know, with how often you use ‘we,’ maybe ‘they’ is a more appropriate pronoun after all. 

I don’t wanna cause a fuss. I never wanna cause a fuss. 

I am so tired.

It’s not physical exhaustion entirely, though that’s a factor, but not one we can address right now, it’s that bone-deep, emotional weariness and it’s stupid. 

I cannot accurately gauge how good or bad my real world actual life is going, which means it’s probably on the bad side of fine because poverty is a thing, but whatever. 

Using overly precise language because of an over-dedication to the exact nature of truth, how nice. You do that a lot, you know. It’s easier to say it one way, and not entirely inaccurate, but it’s most accurate to say it with a thousand words, instead. Write an essay, it’s more coherent.

I keep oscillating between excited and dejected. I’m happy for the new expansion, for all that there’s been server troubles and stuff, but it’s all anyone who plays will think about or talk about. I have three total RP threads, now, but at least one of them has just died outright as of early access.

Because of the server trouble, people are considering moving, and I can’t. I spent money to get onto this server, and while transfers off are free, if I leave I cannot come back, no matter how much time passes. 

I hate that money is such a core foundation of our society. Having to pass up things like ‘go see Wonder Woman / Black Panther because they’re Important films’ except, uh, well, I’d like to eat in a meaningful way this month? Okay. Having to pass up any form of entertainment that I don’t know for 100% certain that I will enjoy? This is fine. 

I have this hangup about legality like, even the most “benign” forms of piracy I have this deep-seated anxiety like ‘I’m going to get caught and thrown into jail forever’ and there’s a part of me that welcomes such if only because then it hardly matters that I’m physically incapable of making enough money to live.

That’s kind of fucked up, if you think about it, like, prisons are almost-effective welfare if you just completely fail at being a person.’Want to eat consistently? Have a consistent place to sleep? Cool, go do a crime that will cause you to become incarcerated.’

It isn’t always like this. There are times I talk and think and react so fast I’m annoying. Like - really annoying. Because I’m loud and vibrant and everything is color and movement. It’s no wonder the one doctor thought it was bipolar, it’s similar but not the same. Probably. 

We’re not in any shape to fucking tell.

Then again it’s also probable they all thought we were bullshitting or exaggerating how difficult things are because it’s not always, we can pretend we’re fine and we do pretend we’re fine, even when we shouldn’t.

Just not enough to actually hold down employment or ... anything important.

I’m so fucking tired.

#stupid #my bullshit #should delete #probably forget to #vague #depression #rambly #freewrite #I tried to tag this with 'stupid' about six times #talking to myself #adhd #brain fog #capitalism

[uxcollector]

I talked to 3 people who got into UX in their 40s

Earlier in the year, I wrote an article on how to become a UX designer at 40 with no digital or design experience. I then wrote an article for the InVision Blog called A guide to becoming a UX designer at 40.

Since then I’ve had a great response with people letting me know their stories of getting into UX in their 40s. One consistent factor was that people found it tough.

Here’s the journey of Bulent, Gael, and James getting into UX. A big thank you to all of them for letting me tell their stories.

I ask them: - How they got into UX design - What they studied - Their biggest hurdles - What they wish they knew when they started - Tips for others making the career change into UX

Bulent Keles

— Product Designer

How old are you?

40 years old

Where are you from?

Istanbul, Turkey

Where do you work?

Kolektif Labsin in Istanbul, Turkey.

What’s your background, and how’d you get into UX design?

I worked in marketing and advertising for over 10 years, only to realize that tv commercials and billboard ads weren’t the kind of creativity I was looking for. I always wanted to help improve people’s lives around me, and advertising wasn’t helping.

I was always reading stories about digital tech disrupting industries and changing lives.

I decided I wanted to be part of that change. I quit my job in advertising and started working for a mobile tech company.

The company I worked with were one of the early players in mobile, which began around the same time as the first iPhone.

I worked as a product manager/designer/marketer/business development guy; I was a unicorn! I worked on several mobile apps that we built for clients. Years went by. I enjoyed working on all the aspects of building digital products. I loved helping people do things better, but I got tired.

I had to choose between doing everything versus focusing on one thing and getting better at it. I chose design. It seemed like the obvious choice because it allowed me to build products that mattered to people. For me, design is fueled by creativity and meaning, and this is the perfect combination.

What did you study to get into UX?

When I decided I wanted to continue in design, I quit my job in Istanbul and went to San Francisco to study a formal course in UX design at General Assembly.

I chose San Francisco because I also wanted to familiarize myself with Silicon Valley, home to the world’s top tech companies.

What are the biggest hurdles you’ve found changing to the world of UX design at 40+?

Age. When you come from a conservative culture like I do, it’s double-triple hard to make a shift in any career at my age.

Everyone except my wife tried to convince me that I was crazy. I had a well-paying job, a good reputation—pretty much everything I needed and I left all that to become a designer.

What do you wish you knew when you started? What you would differently if you did it all again?

I would’ve quit my job much sooner and started design much younger. My advice to my younger self:

Never work a job for money or prestige. Choose what makes you happy.

Any tips for people changing to UX design?

I’d like to think of myself as a multi-disciplinary designer because I love creating beautiful interfaces, logos, presentations, as well as great experiences.

You must know that UX design is not UI design. These are 2 entirely different concepts. One can be great at both, and that’s an excellent quality to have, but if you’re looking to build a career as a graphic, visual, or interface designer, UX is not for you.

UX is more about understanding users, business goals, information, and creating a great experience that works.

If you’re a visual person and want to learn how to make an app or website look beautiful, then graphic design or UI design is probably a better place to start.

UX design is not a trend. It’s been out there and will continue to be out there for as long as humans buy and sell goods and services. So, make sure you’re not just chasing a cool title or some job you think is the next big thing.

UX is about solving problems, and it’s a great job to have.

Gael Gundin

— UX/UI Designer

How old are you?

40

Where are you from?

I was born and raised in Panama City, Panama. I immigrated to the US at the age of 19 to go to University and stayed after. I graduated from the Ohio State University with a bachelors in Sociology and Criminology minor. After graduating, I moved to San Francisco where I lived for three years. I moved back east to New York City and have lived in Brooklyn since the summer of 2002.

What company do you work for?

SecureWatch24, New York, USA

What’s your background? How did you get into UX design?

I have a BA in sociology. I studied illustration at Pratt AOS, and I was a strategic planning consultant for nonprofit organizations. I was interested in startup development and entrepreneurial growth in the last few years and wanted to be a part of it.

I discovered UX and found it was something I could do well

What did you study to get into UX?

I’m mostly self-taught. I took Springboard’s UX course and the front-end program at General Assembly. Also: YouTube, books, podcasts, meetups, lynda.com, Udemy, Treehouse, Codecademy, Adobe CS, Sketch, InVision, etc.

What are the biggest hurdles you’ve found changing to the world of UX Design at 40?

Entering a much younger work pool and staying on top of the latest technology in the field.

What do you wish you knew when you started? What you would differently if you did it all again?

I would have saved a lot of money going straight into a UX immersive program. I wasted money and time doing the front-end course.

What I need is feedback and critique of my process, and that’s really hard to do alone.

Any tips for people changing to UX design?

Do an immersive program and get a mentor.

James Jenner

— UX Designer

How old are you?

48

Where are you from?

Australia. I grew up in Melbourne and have been in Brisbane since 2000.

What company do you work for?

ABB inBrisbane, Australia.

What’s your background, and how’d you get into UX design?

I had 25+ years in the software engineering space, the last 8 as a technical architect. I completed a Master’s in IT 4 years ago, driven by a need to stay relevant in the IT industry.

My concern was over ageism that occurs within the technical space. I discovered that the education had little bearing on the job market, but it had opened my eyes to the world of UX.

A UX design position opened up within my company and I applied. I was unsuccessful, but I didn’t let that stop me. I researched UX, studied various methods, and sought any opportunity to work with UX people.

Eventually, the role became open again, and I managed to convince them to give me a 2-month trial. This gave me the opportunity to prove my abilities and achieve the role of UX designer.

What did you study to get into UX design?

Nothing particular. However, a condition of my employment was that I do external studies. Initially, I enrolled in a single subject studying visual communication. I enjoyed it so much that I applied for entry into a Master’s program in visual and interactive design. While not critical for the role, it has helped solidify my position and knowledge with UX.

What are the biggest hurdles you’ve found changing to the world of UX design at 40+?

The biggest hurdles were my hangups. When I first started at Uni, I was in a room full of people younger than my children. Even the lecturer was more than a decade younger.

Fear of what people think of you is very powerful, and it took time to learn that it doesn’t matter what other people think of you.

I experienced the same issues when attending meetups. Individuals in their mid-20s to mid-30s predominately populate them. Their methods of networking are entirely different (social media and the like). I was impressed by their knowledge and experience.

I thought being able to collaborate would be fantastic. So I fell back to how I’ve historically done this and I tried to share business cards.

Well, it was like I had suddenly ripped off my clothes and started dancing—people avoided eye contact and got out of there as fast as possible.

I was shocked as this was how I was used to sharing details. Even though it happened a while back, it still sits in my mind.

I’ve had to learn to adjust to modern concepts in networking. Now I find shared interests and say “Hey, let me shout you a coffee sometime, and we can talk about X.” It’s not always yes, but it’s not always no.

UX is a part of the creative industries and how we work as embedded creatives is changing. We need to adapt to survive in this post-WWII welfare state, where the focus is on short term ad-hoc projects.

Networking, building up contacts, and respect are necessary to be successful. Not only that, but the knowledge that the younger generation has is incredible. The days of going to a conference and maybe a course or reading a book to be an expert are gone.

We need to collaborate and share, and learn from others as they learn from us.

What do you wish you knew when you started? What you would differently if you did it all again?

I should have involved myself in meetups prior to getting into UX. I could also have focused a bit more on design concepts. I would have pushed more involvement with actual UX people to gain experience and lessen the negative views before changing roles.

I would also look at doing some courses that would help in the space. Even though I can cover more ground via personal research, doing a Uni related course holds a lot of weight in the industry. The biggest advantage of Uni is it forces you to do projects, which I don’t tend to do in self-study.

Any tips for people changing to UX design?

Self-research and education to understand the subject. Study a couple of units in visual communications/graphic design—especially if it covers gestalt and color theory.

Get a feel for the design process as a creative process instead of the focus on research. Research is the easy part; understanding visual communication concepts is the big reach.

Learning how to network is critical. Attend meetups for UX, UI, and product design. Don’t push yourself too soon—wait until you’re a regular.

Did you get into UX in your 40s?

I would love to hear your feedback. Leave me a message here or connect on LinkedIn or Twitter. If you are keen for a career change, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

#iniciar en ux