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differentkettleoffishalltogether · 3 years

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I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N: I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

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"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube.

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy.

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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@collectiveuniverses

@cm-imagines-07

@criminalmindzjunkie

@rainsong01

@70sreid

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mab1905 · 3 years

Text

More Fitzjames content? Yeah... here’s a playlist for ya’ll...

These are songs which I think describe him at different points in his character developement or simply different aspects of his personality. Somewhat James/Crozier (Fitzier) but all about James.

(25 songs, 1 hour 33 min)

Song List + Most Character-Relevant Lyrics:

Fancy — Orville Peck

We didn't have money for food or rent / To say the least, we was hard pressed / Then Mama spent every last penny we had / To buy me a dancin' dress / Mama washed and combed and curled my hair / And she painted my eyes and lips / Stepped into a satin dancin' dress / That had a slit in the side clean up to my hips / It was red velvet trim, and it fit me good / Starin' back from the lookin' glass / There stood a woman where a half-gown boy had stood / ... / It sounded like somebody else that was talkin' / Askin', "Mama, what do I do?" / She said, "Just be nice to the gentlemen, Fancy / They'll be nice to you" / "Here's your one chance, Fancy, don't let me down / Here's your one chance, Fancy, don't let me down / Lord, forgive me for what I do / But if you want out, well, it's up to you / Now don't let me down now / Your mama's gonna move you uptown"

gold rush — Taylor Swift

What must it be like / To grow up that beautiful? / With your hair falling into place like dominos / ... / At dinner parties / I call you out on your contrarian shit / And the coastal town / We wandered 'round had never / Seen a love as pure as it / And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea / 'Cause you know it could never be

The Name Of The Game — ABBA

Your smile, and the sound of your voice / And the way you see through me / Got a feeling, you give me no choice / But it means a lot to me / So I wanna know / What's the name of the game?

Spectrum — Florence + The Machine

And when we come for you / We'll be dressed up all in blue / With the ocean in our arms / Kiss your eyes and kiss your palms / And when it's time to pray / We'll be dressed up all in grey / With metal on our tongues / And silver in our lungs / ... / And when we come back we'll be dressed in black / And you'll scream my name aloud / And we won't eat and we won't sleep / We'll drag bodies from the ground / So say my name / And every colour illuminates / And we are shining / And we'll never be afraid again

Dreamy Bruises — Sylvan Esso

How can we question / What we knows feels right / Black eyes turn to marigolds / In the morning light / Ohweeohweeoh kids move so slow / Shaken all over like some dogs at the pool / Ohweeohweeoh kids move so slow / They’re kicken all the records over acting like they hanging water / Ohweeohweeoh kids move so slow / Down in the basement where the sun don't show / Ohweeohweeoh kids movie so slow / Naked dollars wonder piles dreamy bruises rotten lovers / And they say I want you / To bend me back in two / To make me sing your tune / To make those words so smooth / Fill me like a song do

Wolf — Sylvan Esso

But no birds nor beast does he eat / He only wants the tenderest meat / And oh the sounds he makes them speak / Under all different patterns of sheets / ... / The modern wolf, the modern wolf / Drippin' in all the lives that he took / He'll go on home, try to wash them off / But when he shaves, he hears them call

Francis Forever — Mitski

On sunny days I go out walking / I end up on a tree-lined street / I look up at the gaps of sunlight / I miss you more than anything / I don't need the world to see / That I've been the best I can be, but / I don't think I could stand to be / Where you don't see me / And autumn comes when you're not yet done / With the summer passing by, but / I don't think I could stand to be / Where you don't see me

James — MGMT

James / If you need a friend / Come right over / Don't even knock / And I'll be home / The door is always open / And we both can say, "Who's laughing now?" / Oh, James / My little doll / You just go outside and you call / Oh, James / Oh, you're never too far off / If your fire's out / There's no need to shout / I'm always home / And walk on in / I'll make you tea and breakfast / And we both can say, "Who's laughing now?"

South London Forever — Florence + The Machine

I drive past the place that I was born / And the places that I used to drink / Young and drunk and stumbling in the street / Outside the Joiners Arm's like foals unsteady on their feet / With the art students and the boys in bands / High on E and holding hands with someone that I just met / I thought it doesn't get / Better than this / There can be nothing better than this / Better than this / And we climbed onto the roof, the museum / And someone made love in the glass / And I'd forgot my name / And the way back to my mother's house / With your black cool eyes and your bitten lips / The world is at your fingertips / It doesn't get better than this / What else could be better than this? / Oh, don't you know I have seen / I have seen the fields aflame / And everything I ever did / Was just another way to scream your name

Oh! You Pretty things — David Bowie

I think about a world to come / Where the books were found by the Golden ones / Written in pain, written in awe / By a puzzled man who questioned / What we work here for / All the strangers came today / And it looks as though they're here to stay / Oh You Pretty Things (Oh You Pretty Things) / Don't you know you're driving your / Mamas and Papas insane / Oh You Pretty Things (Oh You Pretty Things) / Don't you know you're driving your / Mamas and Papas insane / Let me make it plain / You gotta make way for the Homo Superior

Venus As A Boy — Björk

His wicked sense of humor / Suggests exciting sex / His fingers they focus on her and touches / He's Venus as a boy / ... / All across your lips, oh, then until / Well be that it's a little now, until / He believes in a beauty / He's Venus as a boy / He believes in a beauty and gentle

Winds Change — Orville Peck

Had a lover but I lost my patience / Gonna get a song on a radio station / Got a fire but you just can't use it / I don't mean no lies, baby, please don't lose it / Lost my way on the other side / I know why, I don't know when / From the way that we said goodbye / I knew I'd never see you again / Left my mind in the Salt Lake City / Met a lot of men who would call me pretty / Pack of reds, watch the days get colder / Don't it make you cry, how we're getting older?

Fluorescent Adolescent — Arctic Monkeys

Oh the boy's a slag / The best you ever had / The best you ever had is just a memory / And those dreams weren't as daft as they seem / Not as daft as they seem / My love, when you dream them up... / Flicking through a little book of sex tips / Remember when the boys were all electric? / Now when she's told she's gonna get it / I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget it / Clinging to not getting sentimental / Said she wasn't going but she went still / Likes her gentlemen not to be gentle / Was it a Mecca dauber or a betting pencil? / Oh the boy's a slag / The best you ever had / The best you ever had is just a memory / And those dreams weren't as daft as they seem / Not as daft as they seem / My love, when you dream them up / Falling about / You took a left off Last Laugh Lane / Just sounding it out / But you're not coming back again.

Cheerleader — St. Vincent

I've had good times / With some bad guys / I've told whole lies / With a half smile / Held your bare bones / With my clothes on / I've thrown rocks / Then hid both my arms / I've played dumb / When I knew better / Tried so hard / Just to be clever / I know honest thieves / I call family / I've seen America / With no clothes on / I don't know what I deserve / But for you I could work / Cause I don’t want to be a cheerleader no more

Queen Bitch — David Bowie

She's so swishy in her satin and tat / In her frock coat and bipperty-bopperty hat / Oh God, I could do better than that / Oh, yeah / She's an old-time ambassador / Of sweet talking, night walking games / Oh and she's known in the darkest clubs / For pushing ahead of the dames / If she says she can do it / Then she can do it, she don't make false claims / But she's a queen and such a queen / Such a laughter is sucked in their brains / Now she's leading him on / And she'll lay him right down / Yes, she's leading him on / And she'll lay him right down / But it could have been me / Yes, it could have been me

Boys Keep Swinging — David Bowie

Heaven loves ya / The clouds part for ya / Nothing stands in your way / When you're a boy / Clothes always fit ya / Life is a pop of the cherry / When you're a boy / When you're a boy / You can wear a uniform / When you're a boy / Other boys check you out / You get a girl / These are your favorite things / When you're a boy / Boys / Boys / Boys keep swinging

Caterpillars (Of The Common Wealth) — Will Connolly

You know you'll always be my valentine / Now swear to god that you will never tell / They're streaming every indiscretion live / For caterpillars of the commonwealth / Gotta go / You can stay / Make yourself at home / Gotta go / This campaign / Don't run itself you know / You've got potential little parasite / I tie your hands so i can wish you well / Cuz i'm a gentleman and you are like / A caterpillar of the commonwealth / Gotta go / I said no / You need to know your role / Gotta go / I said no / It's all under control

Imposters (Little By Little) — The Fratellis

You wear your mask, I'll wear mine / They don't come cheap, but they fit just fine / You can be her and I can be him / We can both sink when the rest all swim / ... / We can pretend that our fates were entwined / A beautiful lie is the beautiful kind / Everybody knows that the sun still sets / And everybody gives and everybody gets / ... / I could be the one that you just can't shake / Till you swear that your eyes go blind / We can disappear till the sun burns a hole / In the life that we left behind

Sweet Painted Lady — Elton John

I'm back on dry land once again / Opportunity awaits me like a rat in the drain / We're all hunting honey with money to burn / Just a short time to show you the tricks that we've learned / If the boys all behave themselves here / Well, there's pretty young ladies and beer in the rear / ... / Forget us we'll have gone very soon / Just forget we ever slept in your rooms / And we'll leave the smell of the sea in your beds / Where love's just a job and nothing is said

Super Trouper — ABBA

Super trouper beams are gonna blind me / But I won't feel blue / Like I always do / 'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you / ... / So I'll be there when you arrive / The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive / And when you take me in your arms / And hold me tight / I know it's gonna mean so much tonight

Babooshka — Kate Bush

She sent him scented letters / And he received them with a strange delight / Just like / His wife / But how she was before the tears / And how she was before the years flew by / And how she was when she was beautiful / She signed the letter / All yours...

Paris is Burning — St. Vincent

I write to give word the war is over / Send my cinders home to mother / They gave me a medal for my valor / Leaden trumpets spit the soot of power / They say, "I'm on your side / "When nobody is, 'cause nobody is / "Come sit right here and sleep / "While I slip poison in your ear" / We are waiting on a telegram / To give us news of the fall / I am sorry to report / Dear Paris is burning after all

Dream of Sheep — Kate Bush

Oh I'll wake up to any sound of engines / Every gull a seeking craft / I can't keep my eyes open / Wish I had my radio / I'd tune into some friendly voices / Talking 'bout stupid things / I can't be left to my imagination / Let me be weak, let me sleep and dream of sheep / Ooh, their breath is warm / And they smell like sleep / And they say they take me home / Like poppies, heavy with seed / They take me deeper and deeper

Hunger — Florence + The Machine

At seventeen, I started to starve myself / I thought that love was a kind of emptiness / And at least I understood then, the hunger I felt / And I didn't have to call it loneliness / ... / Tell me what you need, oh, you look so free / The way you use your body, baby, come on and work it for me / Don't let it get you down, you're the best thing I've seen / We never found the answer but we knew one thing / ... / And it's Friday night and it's kicking in / In that pink dress, they're gonna crucify me / Oh, and you in all your vibrant youth / How could anything bad ever happen to you? / You make a fool of death with your beauty, and for a moment / I forget to worry

#Spotify #fanmix #gay #fanwork #playlist #i have a crippling addiction to making playlists #james fitzjames #fitzier #francis crozier #francis rawdon moira crozier #Jim fitzjimmy #james fitzjames + gender = ? we dont know her #spotify playlist

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reincarnated70sbaby · 3 years

Text

star crossed

-chapter four-

*disclaimer: this work is entirely fiction, all scenes with real life people presented in this work are entirely fictitious.*

word count : 2.4k

warnings : angst! (af!) swearing ? charlie watts being unbothered as ever, did i mention angst?

<<previous chapter

next chapter>>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a couple drinks in, the conversation of recording a track started up. Jimmy was actually quite excited, a Rolling Stones and Jimmy Page track was bound to happen sometime. Sure, Jimmy had played with them in his session days, but not anything to the extent of actually being featured and credited for the track. They decided to come back tomorrow to Bill’s home studio to record a track that might feature on the upcoming Goats Head Soup album. Two nights previous, he finished up the English leg of the 72/73 tour. In a couple weeks, Led Zeppelin would be embarking on their biggest tour yet - the 73 North American tour. There was plans to record a concert film and album, and Jimmy was really hopeful everything would work out.

“Lads I’m about to fucking pass out here, I’m out, see you all tomorrow yeah?”

“All right Jim, see y’a tomorrow, not to early mate right?”

After agreeing to come in the early afternoon with Bill , he bid goodnight to the rest of crew there, Charlie and the pianist for the album, Nicky. Sure, they weren’t as wild as the Toxic Twins, but they were still good company - better than getting drunk in his hotel room alone.

Walking back to his hotel room, the walk felt much longer than 10 minutes. Even though it was the beginning of February, and therefore the start of spring, he had to wrap his arms around himself to preserve body heat.

Reaching the hotel lobby, he was met with the warm air of the large room. Red carpets and gold accents adorned the room. It was quite late in the night - or early in the morning, so he decided to skip going to the bar in hopes of picking up a partner and instead, head straight to his room. On his way into the elevator, he passed two women, both wearing sunglasses. He thought that peculiar, and even more peculiar, he thought he recognised the woman with short brunette hair. After attempting to place the woman, he concluded he was in no state of mind to try.

Laying down on his bed, his thoughts wondered to Alice. He hadn’t heard anything about her since they were last together. He wasn’t even sure if she was still in the music business. He wondered would he ever see her again. He hoped he would, but a feeling in his gut told him it would happen eventually. Sooner, or later, he thought.

Waking up slightly hungover, he showered and prepared for the day of recording ahead. It wasn’t to be a serious session, more of a jam of sorts and hopefully produce a track in the process.

Strolling casually into Bill’s recording studio, he noticed that, as per usual, everybody was there expect Mick. On second look he noticed that Mick Taylor was not there either.

“Where are the Mick’s?”

“I think Jagger is just late, but oh, theres Taylor there now!”

Just as Keith finished speaking, Mick Taylor walked in, guitar case in hand. This would be the first time Jimmy and Mick played together, and he hoped they would get on well.

“Jimmy, great to see you again, ready to play?”

“Nice to see you too, lets get down to it shall we boys?”

Mick Jagger had finally arrived, so he and Keith were working on lyrics, while Charlie and Bill were working on rhythms and riffs, leaving Jimmy and Mick Taylor to work out the main guitar melody. They worked really well together, as they both had the same blues origins and both loved incorporating it into new material.

“So who's the sound tech here anyway” Jimmy asked, while in the process of tuning his guitar down.

“Allie, she's been with us for the album, she's great, have you met her before?”

“Hmm, the name doesn't sound familiar I don't think”

“Well she had an appointment, so she’ll probably be here within the next hour” Mick commented, a shy smile coming onto his face when mentioning her.

After around half an hour of messing around, the boys were finally ready to start the recording tapes. All that stopped then was the missing sound tech.

“Good afternoon boys, I, being your guardian angel have brought lunch for all of us” Alice said cheerily, bursting through the door with a bright smile.

Jimmy’s head shot up at the sound of her voice, suddenly connecting all the dots. The feeling in his gut about meeting her, the woman in the hotel, and the ‘Allie’ nickname.

“Oh thank you Alice, forgot to mention we invited a special guest to join our entourage, last night at Bill’s after you and Taylor left” spoke Mick Jagger with his usual eloquence.

“Alice!”

“Jimmy” Alice replied curtly, a hint of sourness in her blank expression. Jimmy was now in front of Alice, greeting her.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again, its been what, nearly four years! I didn’t even know if you were still an audio tech” Jimmy said warmly, excited to see her again

“I would say it’s a pleasure to see you too, but its not, so I wont” Alice casually said, blanking him, and moving further into the room. She set the bags of fresh food on the table, in the back of the recording section of the large hall. Jimmy watched her walk away casually, totally taken off guard by her coldness. The rest of the Stones all caught this too, extremely confused, but a little entertained by their encounter.

“Wait, you guys know each other?” Keith asked, a small smirk on his lips, pointing between the two.

“I would say used to know, I was on of the engineers on Zeppelin II in 69”

“Hold on, I didn’t know you worked Zeppelin II? That means you must have been a teenager when you worked on it. Blimey” Mick, asked, all of this coming news to him, as well to the others.

“I suppose you wouldn’t, after all I wasn’t even credited, nor my boss Tom” Alice said coolly, still not turning away from setting up the various soups and sandwiches.

Obviously, the teenage Alice that Jimmy once knew was long gone.

“God, Allie you look so old, what are you now? Twenty four, twenty five” Jimmy asked, sampling the new nickname, trying to break the stifling awkwardness that now infected the room.

“Still getting my age wrong I see, Jimmy. Im surprised you still know my name, after all the stunts you pulled over the last four years” Alice replied, walking directly towards Jimmy, accompanied with razor sharp glare. She now stood directly on front of him, slightly invading his personal space. She has grown taller and her face matured, loosing the slight roundness to her cheeks she once possessed. She apparently had cut off her long wavy crimson locks, in favour of a modern, dark brown bob.

“Uh, what’re you talking about?” Jimmy asked chuckling nervously as he scratched his head, hoping she wouldn’t notice his feigned innocence.

“Oh I’m sure you know, as does everyone else in this room. I don't really have the energy to continue this irrelevant conversation, or frankly, any conversation in general with you at this point. Also, it’s Alice to you” Alice stated sternly with a finger pointed to his chest. Jimmy could practically see the ice swirling in her cool blue eyes, the eyes he had come to miss over the years. He had never had encountered her true, red headed temperament. Now that he was on the receiving end, he desperately wanted to stay away from it.

“I’m not really hungry anyway, so I’ll be in the mod room if you guys need me” Alice said, directing her words to everyone but Jimmy, before leaving and entering the conjoining mod room. Mick Taylor quickly set his down his burnt orange Les Paul, then followed Alice out of the room.

“Woah, I haven’t seen drama like this since the last time Mick and Bowie had an arguement - which was last week, I think hmm” Keith remarked with a sarcastic finger on his chin, before moving to serve himself some soup.

“Actually Keef, I think this charade is a lot more entertaining than David’s and I’s little tiffs, as this is bit more of a lovers quarrel”

“Better not let Taylor hear that, or he’ll have to have a word with you Pagey” Bill commented, wide grin now on his face.

Jimmy was now the confused one. He turned to Charlie, silently asking him about Alice and Mick with the point of his finger. Charlie simply shrugged his shrugged his shoulders in response before going back to drumming a riff with the hi-hats and snare drums.

After everybody had ate or, cooled off, recording was finally underway. After a couple of takes, Alice interrupted to give some pointers.

“Look boys, I’m gonna be candid with you all. It sounds shit” Alice said into the mic. Ever since she had gotten more experience under belt, she became renowned for her no bullshit opinions. In turn, people valued her honestly and knew what she said was, more often than not, right.

“Yeah, boys let’s not sugarcoat it, we’re not exactly gelling as one” Keith commented, starting to become fed up with having to balance not only Mick Jaggers usual dramatics, but another egotistical lead guitarist in the mix.

“Okay, what do you think love?” Mick Taylor asked softly, trying to keep the peace before something erupted. He wasn’t wrong, the Stones, along with a quarter of Led Zeppelin, and a hot headed tech was a bit of a lethal cocktail. Fights often combusted quickly between the Stones and Alice, as all members were just as stubborn as each other.

“Well it sounds like there’s 5 Stones, and 25% Led Zeppelin playing. What I want, and what fans want to hear is The Stones featuring Jimmy Page. You five need to change your usual routine of recording for once and mix it up. And you” she looked to Jimmy “need to stop pretending you’re with the other boys. You both need to work with each others strengths and quit overcompensating. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not”

Everybody in the entire house probably could pick up that the last sentence was a direct jab to Jimmy. Another awkward silence passed, ultimately stemming from a staring contest between Alice and the famed guitarist.

“Oh my fucking god, kill me now” Mick muttered, pinching his nose, while Charlie just rolled his eyes and started drumming the start of the song. Eventually Keith started the riff with Mick Taylor,along with Bill and Charlie carrying the bass and percussion, and Mick Jagger singing the lyrics. Only when they reached the solo part, did Jimmy break eye contact with Alice and begin playing.

Finishing up recording, the boys all started to leave. Mick and Jimmy were the last to pack up their stuff, and an uncomfortable air fell over them. Obviously they both either had history, or were making history with Alice. Eventually Mick realised he should probably let the pair talk it out, so, as Jimmy toward the mod room door, Mick moved toward the hallway door.

“Alice, can we talk? Obviously things have become a bit strained between us, and I don’t want it to stay like this” Jimmy started softly. It was probably his choice of words that set Alice off, as immediately after his finished she whipped around from the sound board and kicked off.

“ 'Strained' Jimmy, are you serious?! Strained?! First of all, you didn’t even tell me you weren’t mixing the album with us, and then you just left after our night together. Then- don’t try to interrupt me James. Then, you barely even credit Tom for his songwriting tips on the album. You didn’t even mention me once, even whenever anyone brings up that Theremin part in ‘Whole Lotta Love’! You blush and go on to explain how it was your own fantastic brain that thought of it. The you had the audacity to diss Mystic studios in the papers! What was it you said again? Oh yeah, 'Mystic Studios was far from mystical and closer to meagre, and as a result, the workers were too.” Alice snarled, stream practically blowing out her ears.

“Okay, I agree that comment about Mystics’s capabilities was definitely wrong, I was extremely out of it in that interview- hell I even jibed Atlantic Records!” Jimmy was now getting frustrated too. Normally, no one put him in his place, or gave out to him.

“And then how cold you were about Tom!”

“Wait what happened with Tom?” Jimmy inquired, now serious.

“Oh my fucking god Jimmy” Alice shouted at him “you don’t even remember to you?” She said with a laugh. She searched his face, but all she saw was confusion in his light grey eyes.

“Tom had a fucking stroke last year. Peter told you, and don’t you dare deny it, as he told me he informed you all when I spoke to him on the phone. For Christ’s sake even Bonzo rang to see how he was doing! He didn’t even have my number, but he found it anyway! Robert and John joined the call after he finished speaking. When I asked for you, they said you were in a closet fucking a groupie!”

“Look Alice, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to sa-”

“I’m not surprised Jimmy, it’s a marvel you can play guitar at all, with having no fucking sense in your thick head”

“Stop being so fucking rude to me, you’re not perfect either! Don’t act so high and mighty! I know what went on in Geffen records! I’m mates with David Geffen” Jimmy was no shouting too. At the mention of David Geffen, Alice’s face immediately switched from red to a pale white.

“You do not know what happened between myself and David, if you did, you wouldn’t speak to him ever again” Alice spoke low and slowly, her face now white as a sheet.

Unbeknownst to the pair, all of the Stones were listening outside. When they heard Jimmy shouting about Geffen, Mick Taylor had enough and burst in. The rest of the boys tried to stop him, but he broke free.

“Jimmy, stop it. You don’t know anything about the Geffen incident. You don’t know Alice anymore. I suggest you leave her alone before I step in more. Al, let’s go, our driver is outside.” Mick stretched his hand out to Alice, her eyes now watery, trying to bite down her quivering lip.

Alice immediately joined Mick, and left without a second look to Jimmy.

Jimmy, now alone in the mod room, felt his gut twist with guilt. Had something bad happened with David Geffen and Alice? His mind wondered to Mick’s choice of words -‘incident’. He had heard rumours that were more damaging on David’s behalf, but being friendly with him, he thought he knew him better than all the tabloids and industry gossip.

Jimmy realised that both he and Alice had changed drastically in the last four years, how could he have expected everything to go back to how it was in the summer of ‘69? Now, they were even more distant than ever before.

Maybe they had missed their chance at eternity. Maybe the stars had uncrossed.

His heart nearly broke at the revelation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok so chapter four !!!

I wanna write angst more often it’s my guilty pleasure

anyway, I think this is my favourite piece I’ve written 😌

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tag list : @rebel-without-a-zeppelin @princesspagey @dreamersdrowse

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bobasheebaby · 4 years

Text

75 Criminal Minds Prompts

Some of these can easily go very, very dirty, and yes I’m talking about Morgan and Garcia conversations and honestly would it be a list without them?

1 “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you’ve really stopped to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ― Hotch

2 “Life is a hell of a thing to happen to someone.”― David Rossi

3 “Destroying a book is like…destroying a whole world.” — Diana Reid

4 “Trust me, kiddo. I’ve been here before.” ― David Rossi

5 “I’ve always heard every ending is also a beginning. We just don’t know it at the time. I’d like to believe that’s true.” — Emily Prentiss

6 “He is the perfect man. He doesn’t hog the covers, and he poops in a box.” — Emily Prentiss

7 “Went on a diet last night. Lost 185 pounds.” — Dr. Tara Lewis

8 “Marital bliss followed by marital diss! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?” — Penelope Garcia

9 “I don’t take kindly to being blown up. In fact, it kind of pisses me off.” — Derek Morgan

10 “You know, I've learned that, in the short time I've had the privilege of being a dad... it heals wounds, just being there for your kid.” — David Rossi

11 “What makes you feel confident?” “Statistics.” — Derek Morgan and Dr Spencer Reid

12 “NAME , believe me when I say this, I've never known a normal day in my entire life.” — Dr Spencer Reid

13 “The number of pathogens passed during a handshake is staggering. It's actually safer to kiss.” — Dr Spencer Reid

14 “No one gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.” “What are you implying, NAME?” “That everyone is medicated.” — Dr Spencer Reid and Penelope Garcia

15 “He/She doesn't give a damn about black or white. The only color that son of a bitch cares about is green.” — Dr Spencer Reid

16 “I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.” “I never said that. When have I ever said that?” “Every day since I met you!” — Dr Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan

17 “I never have any normal fans.” — Dr Spencer Reid

18 “Hey, Baby Girl, whatever you’re doing, drop it.” — Derek Morgan

19 “Talk to me, Baby Girl.” — Derek Morgan

20 “There you go, Baby Girl, that’s sweet.” — Derek Morgan

21 “Give it to me, doll face.” — Derek Morgan

22 “Hey, doll face. Ready to work some magic for me?” — Derek Morgan

23 “Hey, silly girl. I love you, you know that, right?” — Derek Morgan

24 “Hey girl, you’re on speaker. Behave.” “Or what, you’ll spank me?” — Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia

25 “It was once said that love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.” — Derek Morgan

26 “Hey baby girl, I need you to work that magic of yours.” “Rub my lamp, release the Genie.” — Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia

27 “You really are afraid of the dark.” “I'm working on that.” “You should work a little harder.” — Derek Morgan and Dr Spencer Reid

28 “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. What is this about?” — Derek Morgan

29 “Oh, and if you hate sad stories as much as I do, you should leave the room right now, 'cause this is super sad!” — Penelope Garcia

30 “Enchantress of all things possible, use your imagination.” — Penelope Garcia

31 “My least three favorite words strung together: I don't know.” — Penelope Garcia

32 “Hello, my pretties. I have seen the wizard and he granted my wish.” — Penelope Garcia

33 “She knew where to toe the line between right and raunchy.” — Penelope Garcia

34 “OK, let me get you on a secret: Guys, we don’t do well on subtle clues, OK? You got to be direct, straight up. Just tell him exactly what you want!” — Derek Morgan

35 “It’s who you are, Baby Girl. You see the beauty in everything and everyone no matter where you go. That part of you is never gonna change, and I won’t let it.” — Derek Morgan

36 “NAME, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.” — Hotch

37 “Don't you have something better to do?” “Than to annoy you for three hours? Hell no.” — Hotch and Derek Morgan

38 “I think, deep down, we're all capable of unspeakable things. Where it starts or what you call it, I don't know.” — Hotch

39 “NAME, this is the job, and I need to know that you can be objective.” “And I need to know that I can be human.” — Hotch and Emily Prentiss

40 “Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going.” — Rossi

41 “You don't need to do anything you don't want to. Understand?” — Rossi

42 “Just be careful. That ego of yours is going to get you in trouble." — Rossi

43 “Somewhere along the line, I put myself first. I admit it, but I can't go back and change it." — Rossi

44 “It could be that, after all of these years, I rewrote history." — Rossi

45 “Time will pass and slowly you will find how much it hurts. And, maybe, you'll find something else to fill that empty space." — Rossi

46 “Where you headed?” “Nowhere in particular.” “How will you know when you get there?” — Rose and Gideon

47 “Only a man would waste $50 trying to win back that $3 stuffed animal.” — JJ

48 “This is my favorite part. This is where you hang yourself with your own tongue. So, please keep talking.” — JJ

49 “My father/mother believes that children shouldn't be shielded from the realities of the world. I do! Isn't that why we read them fairy tales in the first place?” — JJ

50 “Oh god, please tell me you don't have a crush on a fictional character.” — JJ

51 “You are the best ever.” “Aw, and you're the most perceptive.” — JJ and Garcia

52 “I once dated a guy/girl who washed his/her car more than he/she washed his/her hair.” — JJ

53 “Don't tell me what I want and don't want.” — JJ

54 “You do what it takes to protect your family.” — JJ

55 “Look, I don't speak smartass.” — Michael Russo

56 “How's it having NAME around?” “You can have him/her back whenever you would like.” Hotch and Garcia

57 “So, NAME, when are you and NAME walking down the aisle?” “Hey, whoa, whoa. Baby steps. Baby steps.” “When NAME says "I do", it'll be a national day of mourning for single men/women everywhere.” — Rossi, Morgan and Reid

58 “Ugh! This heat is brutal!” “You know, it isn't so much the heat as it is the humidity.” “At some point, it doesn't matter how you look at it. It all sucks.” — Derek Morgan and Dr Spencer Reid

59 “Need a minute?” “So, so badly.” — Matt Simmons and Penelope Garcia

60 “Hey. I came as soon as I could. What's wrong?” — Matt Simmons

61 “We ask questions, and we come home.” “No creepy weirdness?” “No weirdness.” “Good, 'cause I'm about full up in the creepy weirdness department for one night.” — Matt Simmons and Penelope Garcia

62 “Ooh, what about this one? Sunny, two-bedroom. It's close to work. And it's in your price range.” “NAME, you're moving? You don't like change.” “That's true. Change is my kryptonite. But the apartment is no longer a sanctuary. I have a new neighbor. Window's right here. He enjoys doing naked kung fu. Some things you cannot unsee.” — JJ, Simmons and Garcia

63 “Thank you.” “For what?” “For being you.” “Aw, thanks. I don't know how to be anyone else.” — Emily Prentiss and Dr Spencer Reid

64 “When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her. She wants him to shut up and listen.” — Emily Prentiss

65 “I just feel I can't understand others' emotions if I don't deal with my own, you know?” “The best way out is always through.” “Too bad it's not always the easiest one.” “You're not kidding.” — Dr Tara Lewis and Rossi

66 “It helps if they think you're crazy. They don't argue.” — Diana Reid

67 “I don’t hate you ... I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.” — Dr Spencer Reid

68 “There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.” “Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.” — Hotch

69 “I’m always right. Also, you’re secretly in love with me.” — Penelope Garcia

70 “I just gave the bartender my number in Roman numerals. If he/she figures it out, he’s/she’s worth a shot.” — Dr Spencer Reid

71 “Shh, the adults are talking. When it’s your turn to speak, I’ll give you permission. Okay?” — JJ

72 “Hey, mama, tell me something I don’t know.” — Derek Morgan

73 “Talk dirty to me.” — Penelope Garcia

75 “Hey, don’t make me spank you when I get back.” “Don’t listen time him/her, NAME, he’s/she’s all talk.” — Derek Morgan and Dr Spencer Reid

#criminal minds prompts #criminal minds quotes #dialogue prompts #writing prompts #david rossi #derek morgan #dr spencer reid #emily prentiss #jj #aaron hotchner #penelope garcia #nswfish

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xmilenavsch · 4 years

Text

the only exception: a pat murray x fem!reader one shot

gif credit: @hollyjollyriphunter

pairing: pat murray x reader

word count: about 2,3k

warnings: none! maybe a little angst if you may see it like that & a lot of fluff!

a/n: my first fanfiction on here and my first one after literal years, haha! (bare with me for that matter) also, keep in mind that english isn't my first language, so i'm really sorry for any mistakes!

this is mainly written for & because of one of my best friends leila - leave her some love on her insta @ angelmazzello! <3

summary: y/n is a worker at the d-back's agency, as the woman for basically everything – mostly bringing the boys snacks or drinks or just for their entertainment, considering that all of them are mad obsessed with her & never fail to show her that. but for her, there's only one: the world's most angry but soft boy, patrick murray.

enjoy this fan fiction for now & don’t forget to request me stuff in the comments or via dm!

It was a sunny and hot Saturday in August, when you, Y/N, got ready for work. The Californian sun shone into your bedroom as you were getting ready, excited for the game, and excited to see your favourite team in the world in action once again. They didn't always gain as much as they may have wanted to, but you knew that they gave their best every time and how much they lived for the game.

Leaving your appartment with fast steps, getting into your car and driving to the field, the only thing you could think about though was this one specific man, who you couldn't keep out of your mind since the minute you saw him for the first time. You never really knew if he was feeling equally, but the only thing you really always knew was that the things with him were different. For better understanding: The D-Backs team is a dysfuntional team of college allumni baseball players, who never manage to close their months and who can't go a day without insulting one another so much you might think they'd hold it against each other until the end of time. But when you see them on the next day, everything's back to normal and everyhing happens all over again. You love watching them being by themselves and also their dynamic on the field. They had some kind of magic within their group that amazed you every time. Well, maybe it was just the magic that your best friend, John „Mazz“ Mazzello always tried to point out, but you really didn't care. You loved these boys. And they loved you too.

About that: They didn't just love you, they were quite literally obsessed with you. There was never a time when they saw you where they didn't whistle after you, told you how good you looked with your tied up hair and in your jumpsuit and how well you smelled when you hugged every one of them. It didn't really bother you, you in fact found it extremely funny and always told them that – even when Vinnie sort of revealed to you that all of them had a list and a bet on the go who would get you in bed first – but you still didn't care, you also had a share on that one after all. But there was still just one of them who never really was into that whole thing – it could've been no other but Pat Murray. Mazz's childhood friend, the most enthusiastic screamer on the field, who deep down just was somebody who needed and wanted a lot of love. Which you never told him of course, because those were just thoughts in your head, and you would never dare letting those out. It was too risky for you. Because you definitely didn't want to lose him. Even though you weren't the closest friends, there was always something about your bond that was different to the ones you had with the other boys. But you never knew how you were supposed to tell him that. You just couldn't. Even though you felt his stares, his gazes, his secret attention he gave to you. The little smile he made when he heard you laugh. But he also couldn't admit to himself that there could be more between you guys. He just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that someone so pure, beautiful, kindhearted, amazing, supportive and angelic like YOU would actually want him. HIM. The messiest person to exist. So you were stuck in your denial of wanting the other and living with it for as good as years now. And so far, this life has been really good. You were just too tired from it, which didn't make it any better. „But it is what it is! Y'know!“, something Zapata would say from time to time when they lost another game.

( OH RIGHT, Y/N is literally on her way to their next game! Back to that topic I guess. )

As you arrive on the parking lot next to the baseball field, you start your normal routine – getting out of your car and locking it, checking yourself in so you at least gain a little money from all of this, getting into the building of the D-Backs home place with their lockers and all, getting into its kitchen and getting everything they needed for the day. They had a home match, meaning they must all have been pretty nervous and maybe even scared to fail. Which is always a matter of the atmosphere within the team, which was different every time, which amazed you always. So you get their snacks and drinks, say Hi with a bright smile to everyone you cross paths with and head to your boys.

As they see you from afar, you can already just smell Palacco's grin towards you and Dells' whistles. „Well well well, look who it is! Our entertainment during our misery!“, the raven haired yelled at you. You scoff a little. „I'm also really happy to see you boys, Johnathan. And just for your reassurance: Go fuck yourself loser.“ All of them laugh at you, which just makes you roll your eyes. As you hand them their snacks, Mazz walks up to you last to get his own, giving you a kiss on your cheek. „Thanks for doing this every time Y/N, you know you're an angel“, he winks at you. You just nodd your head slightly, while looking over to the boys. After some time you just look confused at them, because one special one is missing. „Hey, has anyone seen Murray? He normally is the first one to get this snacks every time. Stress eating and all.“ Arthur just nodds at the field. „He's right there, just checking out the grass' new cut. Y'know, he likes to play specified.“ Another laugh leaves the boys' mouths. You just shake your head and walk up to him, his snacks in your one hand, the other one stuffed into the bag of your jumpsuit.

From afar you can already see his auburn hair glowing in the sun, how it matches with his red team uniform and how his light skin just looks purer than anything else you've seen in your life so far. This sight makes your heart jump into your stomach and you need some time to catch a breath, before you raise your voice a little. „Murray!“, you yell towards the man in front of you. He quickly turns around to see you and you could've sworn that there was a slight smile on his lips as he faced you. „Oh, Y/N, good afternoon. What's the matter?“ You just walk closer to him and hand him his food. „Here, you weren't with the others when I handed it out, so I just thought I'd bring it to you like this.“ He nodds his head and takes it on. „Yeah, I just wanted to check if all the lines are still on track after the grass was cut a couple of days ago. So we don't fail completely. But thanks.“ You scoff, following his eyes as they're sampling the ground. He then sighs, a sound he makes very frequently and which you were already used to hearing from him. „What's wrong Patty? You worried you guys are gonna lose today?“ He laughs a little at the nickname, but then faces you again. „Well, you know Y/N/N, I'm always worried we will. But with home matches-“ - „-it just hits different, I know“, you cut him off. „But y'know, I will be there cheering you guys on from the fence, right next to you. You guys will rock this“, you reassure him, patting his right arm a little bit with your left hand. You wouldn't be lying if you admitted that the both of you felt some type of electricity from that embrace.

He just nodds his head about what you said and actually smiles a little. „Yeah, I know that: It's always you cheering us up the most. And it's the sweetest thing ever.“ You smile hard at his words, probably harder than you should, and do you even blush a little from them or is that just the summer sun shining straight in your face? You don't really know, and maybe you don't even care. What you do care about though is when Mazz yells over to you guys so Pat comes back to the rest of the team to get ready for their game.

You know he does this every time you and Murray have a moment like this, because he doesn't want you to get hurt. Pat didn't have the best experiences when it comes to love so far in his life and because of his broken soul he sometimes makes decisions that don't only hurt him, but also his partner-at-the-time. His last relationship ended pretty bad, you were the one comforting him, already being head over heels crushing on him. But you didn't want to let your feelings in the way of him being hurt, because he was your friend and you wanted to be there for him. Now things are way different and he kind of got over the heartbreak he experienced, but you still couldn't find the guts to tell him. You just couldn't. And Mazz knew that. So every time you guys talked about it, he accepted your decision, even though he was basically the only one believing this thing between you and Murray could work. But he accepted your decision, and whatever decision Patrick would make, because you guys were his best friends and he didn't want anything bad happen to you, nor to lose either of you. So he was just there. Being the secret admirer of secret admirers.

As Murray and you get back to the rest of the team, you hug every single of them, wishing them the best of luck. Mazz comes last. You embrace each other the tightest, because you knew that'd give him strength. The only one you didn't hug was Pat, but you just never did that. It sort of never „fitted the vibe of your bond“, as David would say. So you just walk over behind the fence, watching the game elope.

From the beginning the match was an intense competition, not only between the two teams, but also between the teammembers within one. But with the D-Backs, that was normal. You were used to listen to them insulting one another in the worst ways possible, with words you didn't even think were a part of the English dictionary. But you just watched and enjoyed the whole thing.

After a lot of time has passed and a tie has been declared, somebody had to be chosen for the last pitch to win the whole thing – this time for the D-Backs. You nervously stand on your tip toes, waiting for a decision to be made. The referee had decided to select the performer at random. So they try to find someone, everybody in the crowd is extremely tense, just like you and the rest of your boys are, when they make a decision. „Patrick Murray, 7th, centerfield!“. You gasp loudly and a shiver runs down your spine. Oh god, this can't end well. But Pat walks up to his supposed spot with a kind of confidence you've never seen before on him, with his bat, his baby, his basical everything, standing there and waiting to hit it off. As he's waiting, he turns around a little to face the crowd, finding your face and looking you straight in the eye. You just nood at him, fingers intertwined next to your mouth, and somehow, this gives him all the strength he needs.

As the ball flies up to him, he stands on his position, waiting for the right moment.

Then he hits it.

And then he gets it.

The crowd and the rest of the team are cheering more than ever. They really did win! The disappointment on the faces of the opposite team were probably able to be seen in a country 10,000 miles away, but you didn't care. You just were so incredibly proud of your team and especially of your man, Murray, who practically wasn't your man yet officially, but that didn't stop him from owning your heart to the fullest. You push yourself through the cheery people, ignoring the rest of the D-Backs being all over each other, walking fastly towards Patrick. As he sees you, he drops his bat and also walks up to you, hugging you tighter then ever, which gives you more and more shivers and just lets all the adrenaline overflow you that you could ever be able to. Out of the sudden, he picks you up, making you squeak a little, spinning you around for a moment. He let's you down again, looking you straight in the eyes, you just smiling at him the brightest way possible. God, he freaking loved your smile. And from all the previous events, all the strength you had given him, he finally says the one thing you've desired to hear from him for such a long time now: „Go out with me Y/N. I mean it. As a Thank you for helping me today.“ You gasp a little, holding your breath, still having your arms around his waist. „Are you sure? You know that was only you being the talent you are just a few minutes ago.“ He scoffs. „Yeah, I know, but I'm also sure. And dead serious. Just go out with me, sweetie. You won't regret it.“

You just shake your head in agreement. You would most definitely finally go out with the man who owns your heart. And then you'll see what will happen from then on.

#joe mazzello #pat murray x reader #undrafted #pat murray #joe mazzello x reader

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crosseyed-miles · 6 years

Photo

The Breakfast Club written and directed by John Hughes BLANK SCREEN: Against Black, TITLE CARD: "...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through... - David Bowie" The Blank Screen and Title Card SHATTER to reveal... 1. EXT. SHERMER HIGH SCHOOL - DAY During Brian's monologue, we see various views of things inside the school including Bender's locker. BRIAN (VO) Saturday...March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon...we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed... CUT TO: 2. INT. CLAIRE'S CAR - DAY We see CLAIRE and her FATHER sitting in their car in the parking lot. Claire is the prom queen and is clearly a snob. CLAIRE I can't believe you can't get me out of this...I mean it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything... CLAIRE'S FATHER I'll make it up to you...Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective. Have a good day. Claire rolls her eyes and gets out of the car and walks up the school front steps CUT TO: 3. INT. BRIAN'S CAR - DAY We are in BRIAN's car. His MOTHER is there and so is his little SISTER. He is sort of a nerd. BRIAN'S MOTHER Is this the first time or the last time we do this? BRIAN (upset) Last... BRIAN'S MOTHER Well get in there and use the time to your advantage... BRIAN Mom, we're not supposed to study; we just have to sit there and do nothing. BRIAN'S MOTHER Well mister you figure out a way to study. BRIAN'S LITTLE SISTER (annoyingly) Yeah! BRIAN'S MOTHER Well go! Brian gets out of the car and walks towards the school. CUT TO: 4. INT. ANDREW'S CAR - DAY We see ANDREW and his FATHER. Andrew is clearly a jock; he’s wearing a letterman’s jacket with lots of patches on it. ANDREW'S FATHER Hey, I screwed around...guys screw around, there's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, Sport. ANDREW Yeah, Mom already reemed me, alright? �� ANDREW'S FATHER (angry) You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride? Now no school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case. Andrew gets out of the car and walks into the school. CUT TO: 5. EXT. SHERMER PARKING LOT - DAY We see JOHN BENDER walking towards us. He is wearing sunglasses. A car is coming towards him but he doesn't stop walking. The car slams on its breaks directly in front of him. Bender gets out of the frame. Out of the car steps ALLISON. She is dressed all in black. She steps forward to look in the car's front window and the car drives away. CUT TO: 6. INT. LIBRARY - DAY There are six tables in two rows of three. Claire is sitting at the front table. Brian comes in and sits at the table behind her. Andrew comes in and points at the chair next to Claire at the front table. She shrugs and he sits there. In walks Bender, he touches everything on the checkout desk and takes a few things in the process. He walks over to where Brian is sitting and points to the table on the opposite side of the Library. Brian reluctantly gets up and moves. Bender sits at the table where Brian was and puts his feet up. Allison walks in. She walks all the way around the library and sits in the back corner table, just behind Brian. Andrew and Claire look at each other and snicker. Brian looks at her in confusion and then turns away. Enter RICHARD VERNON, a teacher. He holds a stack of papers in his left hand. He addresses the group with such disrespect it makes you wonder how he ever got the job. VERNON Well...well. Here we are! I want to congradulate you for being on time... Claire raises her hand. CLAIRE Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here... Vernon doesn't care. He just continues to talk. VERNON It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways... Bender spits into the air and catches the spit in his mouth again. Claire looks like she is going to gag. VERNON ...and you may not talk. You will not move from these seats. He glances up at Bender and points at him. VERNON ...and you... Vernon pulls the chair out from under Bender's feet. VERNON ...will not sleep. Alright people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay--of no less than a thousand words--describing to me who you think you are. BENDER Is this a test? Vernon passes out paper and pencils and takes no notice of Bender. VERNON And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender? Bender looks up. BENDER Crystal... VERNON Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even--decide whether or not you care to return. Brian raises his hand and then stands. BRIAN You know, I can answer that right now sir...That'd be "No", no for me. 'cause... VERNON Sit down Johnson... BRIAN Thank you sir... He sits. VERNON My office... Vernon points. VERNON ...is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised... He looks around at them. VERNON ...any questions? BENDER Yeah...I got a question. Vernon looks at him suspiciously. BENDER Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? VERNON I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. Vernon leaves. BENDER That man...is a brownie hound... Everyone tries to get comfortable and we hear a loud snapping sound. Brian turns and looks and it is Allison, biting her nails. Bender's eyes widen as he turns to look. Everyone is looking now. Allison notices them looking at her. BENDER You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch... Allison spits part of her nail at Bender. BENDER I've seen you before, you know... We see Vernon look out from his office. We see Brian playing with his pen. BRIAN (quietly to himself) Who do I think I am? Who are you? Who are you? He attaches the pen to his bottom lip and puts the top under his upper lip. BRIAN I am a walrus... Bender looks at him in utter confusion. Brian notices this, laughs and takes the pen out of his mouth-- embarrassed. Bender and Brian begin to take their jackets off at the same time. They both notice this. Brian stops removing his jacket. Bender takes his all the way off. Brian rubs his hands together and pretends to be cold. He pulls his jacket back on. He turns and looks at Bender who is still staring at him. BRIAN It's the shits, huh? Bender glares at him and Brian utters an uncomfortable laugh. Bender turns away and crumples up his essay paper. He throws it at Claire. It misses and goes over Claire's head. Andrew and Claire acknowlege it but continue to ignore Bender. Bender starts loudly "singing" the musical part of a song. “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah...” CLAIRE (to herself) I can't believe this is really happening to me... Bender stops "singing" abruptly. BENDER Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss? CLAIRE (disgusted) Please... BENDER If you gotta go... We hear Bender unzip his fly. BENDER You gotta go! Everyone is now looking at Bender. CLAIRE (disgusted) Oh my God! ANDREW Hey, yer not urinating in here man! BENDER Don't talk! Don't talk! It makes it crawl back up! ANDREW You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor! Bender gasps mockingly. BENDER You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr! He turns to Brian. BENDER Hey, homeboy... Brian points at himself with his pen. BENDER ...why don't you go close that door. We'll get the prom queen-- impregnated! Claire turns and glares at him. ANDREW Hey! Bender ignores him. ANDREW Hey! BENDER What? ANDREW If I lose my temper, you're totalled man! BENDER Totally? ANDREW Totally! CLAIRE (to Bender) Why don't you just shut up! Nobody here is interested! ANDREW Really! (to Claire about Bender) Buttface! BENDER Well hey Sporto! What'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock? BRIAN (nervous) Uh, excuse me, fellas? I think we should just write our papers... ANDREW (to Bender) Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass...so knock it off! Bender mockingly registers pain in his face. BENDER It's a free country... CLAIRE (to Andrew) He's just doing it to get a rise out of you! Just ignore him... BENDER (to Claire) Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried! Claire rolls her eyes. BENDER So...so! (to Andrew and Claire) Are you guys like boyfriend/girl- friend? (a beat) Steady dates? (another beat) Lo--vers? (another beat) Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot...beef... injection? Claire and Andrew turn to face Bender, both furious. CLAIRE (screams) Go to hell! ANDREW (screams) Enough! CUT TO: 7. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY We see Vernon in his office. VERNON (yells) Hey! What's going on in there? (to himself) Smug little pricks! CUT TO: 8. INT. LIBRARY - DAY They all look at each other. Andrew turns away from Bender. ANDREW (to himself) Scumbag! Bender stands up and walks over to the railing. He sits on it. BENDER What do you say we close that door. We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds. BRIAN Well, you know the door's s'posed to stay open... BENDER So what? ANDREW So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here you know... BENDER God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler. ANDREW Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway? CLAIRE Really... ANDREW You know, Bender...you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school. Bender probably is upset at this and he pauses a moment before speaking. He doesn't let his emotions out, however. BENDER Well...I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Andrew and Claire look at each other and laugh at Bender. BENDER (to Claire) Maybe the prep club too! Student council... ANDREW No, they wouldn't take you. BENDER I'm hurt. CLAIRE You know why guys like you knock everything... BENDER (to himself) Oh, this should be stunning... CLAIRE It's 'cause you're afraid. BENDER (with mock enthusiasm) Oh, God! You ritchies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities! CLAIRE You're a big coward! Brian feels left out. BRIAN (to no one imparticular) I'm in the math club... CLAIRE See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it... BENDER Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it? CLAIRE Well you wouldn't know...You don't even know any of us. BENDER Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs. ANDREW Hey let's watch the mouth, huh? Brian again feels he needs to contribute. BRIAN I'm in the physics club too... BENDER (to Claire) S'cuse me a sec... (to Brian) What are you babbling about? BRIAN Well, what I said was...I'm in the math club, the Latin club and the physics club...physics club. Bender nods and turns to Claire. BENDER Hey...Cherry...do you belong to the physics club? CLAIRE That's an academic club... BENDER So? CLAIRE So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs. BENDER Oh, but to dorks like him... Bender points at Brian. BENDER ...they are. (to Brian) What do you guys do in your club? BRIAN In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics...about properties of physics. BENDER So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right? BRIAN Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other children in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at the Hilton. BENDER You load up, you party... BRIAN Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but, we don't...we don't get high. CLAIRE (to Bender) Only burners like you get high... BRIAN And, uh, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kent...my cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana... He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like, you know "Twilight Zone" kinda. CLAIRE (laughs) (to Bender) Sounds like you... ANDREW Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads... BENDER (to Andrew) Oh and wouldn't that be a bite... Bender lets out a moan of fake agony. BENDER Missing a whole wrestling meet! ANDREW Well you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life! BENDER (with mock hurt) Oh, I know...I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys! ANDREW Ahhh...you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals. BENDER Oh, but I do! ANDREW Yeah? BENDER I wanna be just--like--you! I figure all I need's a labotamy and some tights! Brian becomes interested. BRIAN You wear tights? ANDREW (to Brian) No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform... BRIAN Tights... ANDREW (defensive) Shut up! They hear Vernon moving around out in the hall so Bender quickly comes and sits in the chair between Claire and Andrew. He folds his hands on the table. Vernon goes back into his office. Bender laughs and gets up. He starts walking towards the double doors that separate the library from the hallway. BRIAN You know there's not s'posed to be any monkey business! Bender turns and points at Brian. BENDER (in a stern voice) Young man...have you finished your paper? Bender turns back away and goes to the door. He looks around cautiously and removes a screw from the door. CLAIRE What are you gonna do? ANDREW Drop dead, I hope! CUT TO: 9. INT. HALLWAY - DAY We see Vernon getting a drink at the fountain. He stands up and checks the way he looks in a mirror. He does a muscular pose and utters some manly jibberish “Cobadonga!” CUT TO: 10. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian looks up. Bender is messing with the door to the library. BRIAN Bender, that's, that's school property there...you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with. The door slams shut. Bender runs back to his seat. ANDREW That's very funny, come on, fix it! BRIAN You should really fix that! BENDER Am I a genius? ANDREW No, you're an asshole! BENDER What a funny guy! ANDREW Fix the door Bender! BENDER Everyone just shhh! CUT TO: 11. INT. HALLWAY - DAY We see Vernon walking back to his office. He stops and listens to them through the closed door. BENDER (OS) I've been here before, I know what I'm doing! ANDREW (OS) No! Fix the door, get up there and fix it! BENDER (OS) (screams) Shut up! CUT TO: 12. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Brian as we hear Vernon in the hall. VERNON (OS) God damnit! He opens the door and storms in. VERNON Why is that door closed? For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare at Vernon. VERNON Why is that door closed? BENDER How're we s'posed to know? We're not s'posed to move, right? Vernon turns to Claire. VERNON Why? CLAIRE We were just sitting here, like we were s'posed to... Vernon looks around and looks at Bender. VERNON Who closed that door? BENDER I think a screw fell out of it... ANDREW It just closed, sir... Vernon looks at Allison in the back. VERNON Who? Allison lets out a squeak and slams her face onto the table, hiding in her jacket hood. BENDER She doesn't talk, sir... VERNON (to Bender) Give me that screw... BENDER I don't have it... VERNON You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you? BENDER I don't have it...screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place... VERNON Give it to me, Bender... CLAIRE Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw? VERNON (to Claire) Watch it, young lady... Vernon goes over to the door. He tries to hold it open by putting a folding chair in front of it. BENDER The door's way too heavy, sir. The door slams shut despite the chair. VERNON (OS) God damnit! They laugh. Vernon opens the door again. He comes back in. VERNON (pointing) Andrew Clark...get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go. Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon. BENDER Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy! Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door. VERNON Okay, now, watch the magazines! BENDER It's out of my hands... They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire door. BENDER That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir. Vernon thinks about it. He turns to Andrew. VERNON Alright, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on! BRIAN You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library. Brian points at them and Bender glares at him. BENDER (to Brian) Show Dick some respect! Andrew and Vernon come back into the main section of the library. VERNON (to Andrew) Let's go...go! Get back into your seat. Andrew sits. VERNON (to Andrew) I expected a little more from a varsity letterman! (to Bender) You're not fooling anybody, Bender! The next screw that falls out is gonna be you! Vernon turns to leave. BENDER (under his breath) Eat my shorts... Vernon spins in his tracks and faces Bender again. VERNON What was that? BENDER (loudly) Eat my shorts! VERNON You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister! BENDER Oh, Christ... VERNON You just bought one more right there! BENDER Well, I'm free the Saturday after that...beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar! VERNON Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through. BENDER No! VERNON I'm doing society a favor! BENDER So? VERNON That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one? BENDER Yes! VERNON You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal! CLAIRE (worried) Cut it out! Claire mouths the word "Stop" to Bender. VERNON You through? BENDER Not even close, bud! VERNON Good! You got one more, right there! BENDER Do you really think I give a shit? VERNON Another... Bender glares at him. VERNON You through? BENDER How many is that? BRIAN That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet. VERNON (to Bender) Now it's eight... (to Brian) You stay out of it! BRIAN Excuse me, sir, it's seven! VERNON Shut up, Peewee! (to Bender) You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha! BENDER What can I say? I'm thrilled! VERNON Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. (to everyone) Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here...I'm cracking skulls! (Bender mouths “I’m cracking skulls”) Vernon leaves and closes the door. A musical riff builds to a climax as Bender screams. BENDER (screams) Fuck you! We see the clock, it reads a quarter to eight. We see Bender, lighting his shoe on fire and lighting a cigarette with his shoe. We see Claire thinking. We see Brian playing with his balls. We see Andrew playing with his sweatshirt. We see Allison pulling a string around her finger and making it turn purple. We see Bender put the flames on his shoe out. He then plays air guitar. We see Allison drawing. We see Andrew playing paper football. He cheers silently. Allison shakes dandruff from her hair onto her picture. We see everyone fall asleep. CUT TO: 13. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. Vernon is standing there staring at the sleeping kids. VERNON Wake up! Who has to go to the lavatory? Everyone raises their hands. CUT TO: 14. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. We see the clock, it now says 10:22. We see Andrew stretching. We see Bender tearing pages out of a book. He is tossing them around. ANDREW That's real intelligent. BENDER You're right...it's wrong to destroy literature... He continues to tear pages out. BENDER It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my nads! CLAIRE (pronouncing it correctly) Mol-yare. BRIAN I love his work. Bender tosses the rest of the pages at Brian. He picks up the card catalogue drawer and begins to take cards out. BENDER Big deal...nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.. ANDREW Speak for yourself... BENDER Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language! Andrew turns to Claire. ANDREW Hey, you grounded tonight? Claire shrugs. CLAIRE I don't know, my mom said I was but by dad told me to just blow her off. ANDREW Big party at Stubbies, parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild... CLAIRE Yeah? ANDREW Yeah, can you go? CLAIRE I doubt it... ANDREW How come? CLAIRE Well 'cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because because my father says it's okay. There's like this whole big monster deal, it's endless and it's a total drag. It's like any minute... divorce... BENDER Who do you like better? CLAIRE What? BENDER You like your old man better than your mom? CLAIRE They're both strict. BENDER No, I mean, if you had to choose between them. CLAIRE I dunno, I'd probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me...it's like they use me just to get back at each other. Suddenly, from the back of the room. Allison speaks. ALLISON (loudly) Ha!!! Everyone looks at her shocked. Allison blows her hair out of her eyes and grins. CLAIRE Shut up! ANDREW You're just feeling sorry for yourself... CLAIRE Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else would. ANDREW Aw...you're breaking my heart... BENDER Sporto... ANDREW What? Bender jumps down and goes next to Andrew. BENDER You get along with your parents? ANDREW Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right? BENDER You're an idiot anyway...But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too! Bender turns and walks away from him. Andrew follows and pushes Bender. ANDREW You know something, man...If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you! Bender points his middle finger at the floor. BENDER Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up? Bender flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew the bird. Brian comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's shoulders. BRIAN Hey fellas, I mean... Andrew pushes away from Brian. BRIAN ...I don't like my parents either, I don't...I don't get along with them...their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko! Bender turns to Brian. BENDER Dork... BRIAN Yeah? BENDER You are a parent's wet dream, okay? Bender starts to walk away. BRIAN Well that's a problem! BENDER Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen? ANDREW Why do you have to insult everybody? BENDER I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you...to know the difference! ANDREW Yeah well, he's gotta name! BENDER Yeah? ANDREW Yeah, (to Brian) What's your name? BRIAN Brian... ANDREW See... BENDER (to Brian) My condolences... Bender walks away. CLAIRE (to Bender) What's your name? BENDER What's yours? CLAIRE Claire... BENDER Ka-Laire? CLAIRE Claire...it's a family name! BENDER Nooo...It's a fat girl's name! CLAIRE Well thank you... BENDER You're welcome... CLAIRE I'm not fat! BENDER Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Claire gives him the finger. BENDER Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl! CLAIRE (resentfully) I'm not that pristine! Bender bends down closer to Claire. BENDER Are you a virgin? (a beat) I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... (another beat) ...a white weddin? CLAIRE Why don't you just shut up? BENDER Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? (a beat) Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in? Claire is getting upset. CLAIRE Do you want me to puke? BENDER Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night? ANDREW Leave her alone! Bender slowly stands and faces Andrew. ANDREW I said leave her alone! BENDER You gonna make me? ANDREW Yeah... Bender walks over to where Andrew is standing. BENDER You and how many of your friends? ANDREW Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal! Bender goes to hit him but Andrew gets Bender down on the ground with a wrestling move. BENDER I don't wanna get into to this with you man... Andrew gets up. ANDREW Why not? Bender gets up. BENDER 'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother. ANDREW Chicken shit... Andrew turns and walks away. Bender takes out a switchblade and opens it. He stabs the switchblade into a chair. ANDREW Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me? BENDER I'm trying to help her!. We see the janitor, CARL come into the room. CARL Brian, how you doing? BENDER Your dad works here? Brian is embarrassed. BENDER Uh, Carl? CARL What? BENDER Can I ask you a question? CARL Sure... BENDER How does one become a janitor? CARL You wanna be a janitor? BENDER No I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts... CARL Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things...I look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do...I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast! Everyone groans. Bender smiles. ANDREW Shit! CUT TO: 15. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY The clock says 11:30. Vernon gets up and leaves. CUT TO: 16. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Bender starts to whistle a marching tune and everybody joins in. Vernon enters. Bender begins to whistle Beethoven's 5th. VERNON Allright girls, that's thirty minutes for lunch... ANDREW Here? VERNON Here... ANDREW Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir! VERNON Well, I don't care what you think, Andrew! BENDER Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich...will milk be made available to us? ANDREW We're extremely thirsty sir... CLAIRE I have a very low tolerance for dehydration. ANDREW I've seen her dehydrate sir, it's pretty gross. Bender stands. BENDER Relax, I'll get it! VERNON Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub! Bender grins. VERNON What do you think, I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls? He points at Andrew. VERNON You! He points at Allison. VERNON And you! Hey! What's her name? Wake her! Wake her up! (to Allison) Come on, on your feet missy! Let's go! This is no rest home! Allison gets up. VERNON There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Lets go! CUT TO: 16. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Andrew and Allison are walking in the hall. ANDREW So, what's your poison? Allison doesn't answer. ANDREW What do you drink? Allison still doesn't answer. ANDREW Okay...forget I asked... Allison waits for two beats and then speaks. ALLISON Vodka... ANDREW Vodka? When do you drink vodka? ALLISON Whenever... ANDREW A lot? Allison smiles. ALLISON Tons... ANDREW Is that why you're here today? Allison doesn't answer. ANDREW Why are you here? Allison snaps back. ALLISON Why are you here? They stop walking and Andrew leans against the wall. ANDREW Um, I'm here today...because uh, because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a race horse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me. ALLISON Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here. ANDREW Forget it! CUT TO: 17. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Claire and Bender and Brian are all sitting around waiting for the Cokes. BENDER Claire...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty... CLAIRE No thank you... BENDER How do you think he rides a bike? Claire rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust. BENDER Oh, Claire...would you ever consider dating a guy like this? CLAIRE Can't you just leave me alone? BENDER I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun. CLAIRE You know what I wish I was doing? BENDER Op, watch what you say, Brian here is a cherry. BRIAN A cherry? CLAIRE I wish I was on a plane to France. BRIAN I'm not a cherry. BENDER (to Brian) When have you ever gotten laid? BRIAN I've laid, lotsa times! BENDER Name one! BRIAN She lives in Canada, met her at Niagra Falls. You wouldn't know her. BENDER Ever laid anyone around here. Brian shushes Bender and points at Claire whos back is still turned. BRIAN Oh, you and Claire, did it! Claire spins around. CLAIRE What are you talking about? BRIAN (to Claire) Nothin', nothin! (to Bender) Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later! CLAIRE No! Drop what, what're you talking about? BENDER Well, Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse! CLAIRE (to Brian) Little pig! BRIAN No I'm not! I'm not! John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't, that's it, that's all that was said! BENDER Well then what were you motioning to Claire for? CLAIRE You know I don't appreciate this very much, Brian. BRIAN He is lying! BENDER Oh you weren't motioning to Claire? BRIAN You know he's lying, right? BENDER Were you or were you not motioning to Claire? BRIAN Yeah, but it was only...was only because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin, okay? Bender just stares at him. BRIAN Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry... Claire laughs. CLAIRE Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin? BRIAN Because it's personal business, it's my personal, private business. BENDER Well Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business... CLAIRE I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin... Bender looks suprised. BRIAN You do? Claire smiles and nods. CUT TO: 18. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. Everybody has lunches now. Claire begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag. BENDER What's in there? CLAIRE Guess, where's your lunch? BENDER You're wearing it... CLAIRE You're nauseating... Bender grabs a Coke and tosses it over to Allison who catches it without even looking up. Bender then watches Claire set up a sushi platter. BENDER What's that? CLAIRE Sushi... BENDER Sushi? CLAIRE Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed. BENDER You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that? CLAIRE Can I eat? BENDER I don't know...give it a try... We now watch Andrew take a couple sandwiches out of his bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bag of cookies and a carton of milk. Allison opens her Coke and it fizzes over. She loudly slurps it up off the table and her fingers. Andrew sees Bender looking at him. ANDREW What's your problem? Allison opens her sandwich and and tosses the meat up. It lands on the sculpture above. She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the sandwich and then puts Cap'n Crunch on top of that. She crushes the sandwich together and loudly eats it. Bender goes over and sits by Brian, Bender takes Brian's bag lunch. BENDER What're we having? BRIAN Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess... Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it. BENDER Milk? BRIAN Soup. Bender goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Brian reaches toward the bag and Bender slaps his hand. BRIAN That's apple juice... BENDER I can read! PB & J with the crusts cut off...Well Brian, this is a very nutritous lunch, all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers? BRIAN Uh, no, Mr. Johnson... BENDER Ahhh.... Andrew and Claire smile at each other. Bender stands. BENDER Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house... (in a loud and friendly voice) Son! (in a kiddie voice) Yeah Dad? (loud) How's your day, pal? (kiddie) Great Dad, how's yours? (loud) Super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend? (kiddie) Great Dad, but I've got homework to do! (loud) That's alright son, you can do it, on the boat! (kiddie) Geee!!! (loud) Dear, isn't our son swell? (quiet and motherly) Yes Dear, isn't life swell? Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father kissing mother and then father punching mother in the face. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore. ANDREW Alright, what about your family? BENDER Oh, mine? ANDREW That's real easy! Bender stands again and points forward. BENDER (as his father) Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! (as his mother) You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Bender slams his hand back to slap his invisable mother. BENDER (as his father) Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! (as himself) What about you Dad? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father) Fuck you! (as himself--yelling) No, Dad, what about you? (as his father--yelling) Fuck you! He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him. BRIAN Is that for real? BENDER (to Brian) You wanna come over sometime? ANDREW That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it. Bender actually looks hurt. BENDER You don't believe me? ANDREW No... BENDER No? ANDREW Did I stutter? Bender comes over to Andrew and rolls up his right sleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn. BENDER Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. Bender begins to walk away. BENDER See I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore! Bender walks over to a map table and throws all the maps on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then up to the second floor balcony. CLAIRE (to Andrew) You shouldn't have said that! ANDREW How would I know, I mean he lies about everything anyway! CUT TO: 19. INT. VERNON'S OFFICE - DAY Vernon puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to pour coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and the coffee goes all over his desk. VERNON Oh, shit! CUT TO: 20. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Vernon walks into the hallway, talking to himself. VERNON Coffee...looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi river. Everything's polluted, everything's polluted...the coffee. Bender comes out of the library doors followed bye veryone else. Bender and Claire are walking next to each other. Brian and Andrew are walking next to each other and at the end of the line, Allison is following. CLAIRE (to Bender) How do you know where Vernon went? BENDER I don't... CLAIRE Well then, how do you know when he'll be back? BENDER I don't...being bad feels pretty good, huh? BRIAN (to Andrew) What's the point in going to Bender's locker? ANDREW Beats me... BRIAN This is so stupid...Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught? ANDREW I dunno... BRIAN So then what are we doing? ANDREW You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you! BRIAN Sorry... Bender opens his locker. ANDREW Slob! BENDER My maid's on vacation. Bender pulls out a bag of marijuana. BRIAN Drugs... ANDREW Screw that Bender...put it back! Bender walks away. BRIAN Drugs...the boy had marijuana. Claire walks after Bender. BRIAN That was marijuana! ANDREW Shut up! Andrew follows the other two. Brian looks at Allison who is standing there with her mouth open. BRIAN Do you approve of this? Brian turns and leaves. Allison steals the lock off of Bender's locker. We see the crowd walking down the hall. BENDER We'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back. ANDREW You better be right, if Vernon cuts us off it's your fault, asshole! BRIAN (to Claire) What'd he say? Where're we going? They see Vernon down one of the halls. We have various sequences of them running around and seeing Vernon until they stop. BENDER Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We have to go through the cafeteria! ANDREW No, the activities hall. BENDER Hey man, you don't know what you're talking about! ANDREW No you don't know what you're talking about! Allison squeaks. ANDREW Now we're through listening to you, we're going this way. They all go Andrew's way and run into a hall closed by an iron gate. ANDREW Shit! BENDER Great idea Jagoff! ANDREW Fuck you! CLAIRE (to Andrew) Fuck you! Why didn't you listen to John? BRIAN We're dead! BENDER No, just me! BRIAN What do you mean? BENDER Get back to the library, keep your unit on this! Bender puts his bag of marijuana into Brian's underwear. Bender runs away singing loudly. “I wanna be an airborne ranger...” We see Vernon hear Bender. The rest of them run. VERNON That son of a bitch! We see Vernon looking for Bender until he finds him in the gym. Bender is going up for a basket. BENDER Three...two...one! He dunks the ball. Vernon enters. VERNON Bender! Bender! Bender! What is this? What are you doing here, what is this? BENDER Oh, hi! VERNON Out! That's it Bender! Out, it's over! BENDER Don't you wanna hear my excuse? VERNON Out! BENDER I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship. VERNON Gimmie the ball, Bender. Bender fakes the ball at Vernon. He then sets the ball down and rolls it at Vernon who kicks it back at him. They leave. CUT TO: 21. INT. LIBRARY - DAY The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats when Bender and Vernon enter. Vernon pushes Bender. VERNON Get your stuff, let's go! (to everyone) Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day. BENDER (to Vernon) B-O-O H-O-O! VERNON Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they...What if your home, what if your family... (a beat) ...what if your dope was on fire? BENDER Impossible, sir...It's in Johnson's underwear... Andrew laughs. VERNON (to Andrew) You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. (to everybody) You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how God damned funny he is! (to Bender) What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go... Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder. BENDER Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick! Bender takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays them in front of Andrew. BENDER For better hallway vision! Bender leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the way. CUT TO: 21. INT. CLOSET - DAY Vernon has put Bender in a closet and is in there talking to him. VERNON That's the last time, Bender. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you...But someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place... And they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt! BENDER Are you threatening me? VERNON What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy...you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy...come on, come on...get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now, how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches. VERNON That's what I though...you're a gutless turd! Vernon leaves and locks the closet door after him. Bender climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and disappears. CUT TO: 22. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY Bender is slowly crawling through a heating duct. BENDER (to himself) A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bar- tender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says... The ceiling under Bender gives and he falls through. BENDER (screaming) Oh shit!!!! CUT TO: 23. INT. FACILTY BATHROOM - DAY We see the door to the bathroom. We hear Vernon inside. VERNON (OS) Jesus Christ, allmighty! CUT TO 24. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Bender walks down the stairs. BENDER I forgot my pencil... We hear Vernon in the hall. VERNON (OS) God damnit! What in God's name is going on in here? Vernon enters. VERNON What was that ruckus? ANDREW Uh, what ruckus? VERNON I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus! BRIAN Could you describe the ruckus, sir? VERNON Watch your tongue young man, watch it! We see Bender under the table by Claire's legs. He sits up and bangs his head on the table. He groans. Above the table, Andrew and Claire try to take credit for the noise by making more noise. VERNON What is that? What, what is that, what is that noise? Under the table, Bender looks between Claire's legs and can see her panties. He puts his head between Claire's legs. ANDREW What noise? CLAIRE Really, sir, there wasn't any noise... Claire squeels. She squeezes Bender's head between her knees. Everyone starts faking a coughing fit. CLAIRE (flustered) That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about? VERNON No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will. Allison laughs at Vernon. VERNON You make book on that missy! (to Claire) And you! I will not be made a fool of! He turns and walks away. We see that he still has the toilet seat cover stuck to his pants. Vernon leaves. Everyone laughs except Claire who lets Bender out to a barage of slaps. BENDER It was an accident! CLAIRE You're an asshole! BENDER So sue me... Bender gets up and walks over to Brian. BENDER So, Ahab...Kybo Mein Doobage... Brian gives Bender his bag of marajuana. Bender turns and walks away. ANDREW Yo waistoid...you're not gonna blaze up in here! Claire gets up and goes after him. Then Brian. ANDREW Shit... Andrew goes. CUT TO: 25. INT. STAIRS - DAY We see Vernon go down the stairs. CUT TO: 26. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian, Bender and Claire are sitting in a circle and laughing hysterically. Bender lights Claire up and she coughs the smoke out. Brian laughs at her. He exhales and tries to eat the smoke. He talks in a really weird voice. BRIAN Chicks, cannot hold der smoke! That's what it is! CLAIRE Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular, everybody loves me so much, at this school... BENDER Poor baby. Brian waves Claire over to him and he falls over. We see Andrew emerge from a really smokey room. He inhales another puff and then starts dancing to everybody's applause. He goes back in the room he was in. He screams and it shatters the glass in the door. CUT TO: 27. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Vernon is glancing through the confidential files in the school basement. VERNON (to himself) Mister, oh mister Tearney...a history of slight mental illness? Wooh, no wonder he's so fucked up! Carl enters. CARL Afternoon, Dick... VERNON Hey Carl, how you doin'? CARL Good... VERNON Good, what's up? CARL Not much, what's happening, what are you doing in the basement files? VERNON Oh, nothin' nothin' here. I'm just doin' a little homework here... CARL Homework, huh? VERNON Yeah... Carl, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that Vernon was looking at. CARL Confidential files...hmmm? VERNON Look, Carl...this is a highly sensitive area and I, I tell you something...certain people would be very very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if if if if this would be something that, that you and I could keep between us... CARL What're you gonna do for me, man? VERNON Well, well what would you like? CARL Got fifty bucks? VERNON What? CARL Fifty bucks... CUT TO: 28. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Andrew and Brian laughing. Allison is hanging out over by the statue in the back of the library. ANDREW No no man, no; you got a middle name? BRIAN Yeah, guess... Allison suddenly takes interest in the conversation and as she speaks, she moves over and sits next to the two. ALLISON Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke... Brian and Andrew look at her in confusion. ALLISON ...your birthday is March 12th, you're five-nine and a half you weigh a hundred and thirty pounds and your social security number is 0-4-9-3-8-0-9-1 (a beat) 3. Andrew is impressed. ANDREW Wow! Are you psychic? ALLISON No... BRIAN Well would you mind telling me how you know all this about me? Allison reaches in her bag. ALLISON I stole your wallet... She produces it in her hands and grins. BRIAN Give it to me... ALLISON No... BRIAN Give it! Allison reluctantly hands over the wallet and Brian glances through it to make sure nothing is missing. BRIAN This is great...you're a thief too! Huh? ALLISON I'm not a thief! BRIAN Multi-talented! ALLISON What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot! ANDREW A what? ALLISON He's got a nudie picture in there! I saw it, it's perverted! ANDREW Alright, let's see it! We see Bender, he is brushing his teeth with one of Claire's cosmetic brushes. We see Claire looking through Bender's wallet pictures. CLAIRE Are all these your girlfriends? BENDER Some of them... CLAIRE What about the others? BENDER Well, some I consider my girlfriends and some...I just consider... CLAIRE Consider what? BENDER Whether or not, I wanna hang out with them... CLAIRE You don't believe in just one guy, one girl? BENDER Do you? CLAIRE Yeah...that's the way it should be. BENDER Well, not for me... CLAIRE Why not? Bender clearly doesn't want to answer that. He acts defensive. BENDER How come you got so much shit in your purse? CLAIRE How come you got so many girlfriends? BENDER I asked you first... CLAIRE (shrugs) I dunno...I guess I never throw anything away. BENDER Neither do I... CLAIRE Oh... We cut back to where Andrew, Brian and Allison are sitting, Andrew is looking through Brian's wallet. ANDREW This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen... Brian laughs. ANDREW Do you realize you made yourself sixty eight? BRIAN Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it... ANDREW What do you need a fake ID for? BRIAN (like it's obvious) So I can vote! Allison looks up suddenly. ALLISON You wanna see what's in my bag? BRIAN & ANDREW No! Allison looks hurt and then resentful. Just to spite them, she dumps the contents of her bag onto the couch. Lots of stuff comes out. ANDREW Holy shit! What is all that stuff? BRIAN Do you always carry this much shit in your bag? ALLISON Yeah...I always carry this much shit ...in my bag...You never know when you may have to jam... BRIAN Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing? ALLISON I'll do what I have to do... BRIAN Why do you have to do anything? ALLISON (with feeling) My home life is un...satisfying... BRIAN So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of the Chicago streets because your homelife is unsatisfying? ALLISON I don't have to run away and live in the street...I can run away and, go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan... Brian looks at her and then moves over to Andrew. BRIAN Andy...you wanna get in on this? Allison here says, she wants to run away, because her home life is unsatisfying... ANDREW Well everyone's home lives are un- satisfying...If it wasn't, people would live with there parents forever... BRIAN Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that her's goes beyond, you know, what guys like you and me... consider normal unsatisfying... ALLISON Nevermind...forget it, everything's cool! Allison starts putting everything back in her purse. ANDREW What's the deal? ALLISON No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone. ANDREW Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away. ALLISON Eat shit! Allison gets up and walks away. BRIAN The girl is an island, with herself. Okay? Andrew gets up and goes after her. ANDREW Hi, you wanna talk? ALLISON No! ANDREW Why not? ALLISON Go away... ANDREW Where do you want me to go? ALLISON GO away! Andrew turns away and Allison starts to cry. ALLISON You have problems... ANDREW Oh, I have problems? ALLISON You do everything everybody ever tells you to do, that is a problem! ANDREW Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite people into my problems...Did I? So what's wrong? What is it? Is is bad? Real bad? Parents? Allison is silently crying. ALLISON Yeah... Andrew nods. ANDREW What do they do to you? ALLISON They ignore me... ANDREW Yeah...yeah... They both are crying silently. CUT TO: 29. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Vernon and Carl are sitting talking. VERNON What did you want to be when you were young? CARL When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon... VERNON Carl don't be a goof! I'm trying to make a serious point here...I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year...these kids get more and more arrogant. CARL Aw bull shit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off...and then you found out it was actually work...and that really bummed you out. VERNON These kids turned on me...they think I'm a big fuckin' joke... CARL Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh? VERNON Hey...Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me? CARL Yes I do... VERNON You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country. CARL Yeah? VERNON Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night... That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me... CARL I wouldn't count on it! Vernon ponders that statement for a moment. CUT TO: 30. INT. LIBRARY - DAY They are sitting on the floor in a circle. ANDREW What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to... CLAIRE That's boring... ANDREW Well, how'm I s'posed to answer? CLAIRE The idea is to like search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked? Andrew laughs. ANDREW Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car? CLAIRE Of course... ANDREW In the spring, or winter? CLAIRE It doesn't matter...spring... ANDREW In front of the school or in back of the school? CLAIRE Either one... ANDREW Yes... ALLISON I'd do that! They all look at her. ALLISON I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either... CLAIRE You're lying... ALLISON I already have...I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac! Claire rolls her eyes. CLAIRE Lie... BRIAN Are your parents aware of this? ALLISON The only person I told was my shrink... ANDREW And what'd he do when you told him? ALLISON He nailed me... CLAIRE Very nice... ALLISON I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him. CLAIRE He's an adult! Allison is relishing this attention. ALLISON Yeah...he's married too! Claire notes her disgust. CLAIRE Do you have any idea how completely gross that is? ALLISON Well, the first few times... CLAIRE First few times? You mean he did it more than once? ALLISON Sure... CLAIRE Are you crazy? BRIAN Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink... ALLISON (to Claire) Have you ever done it? CLAIRE I don't even have a psychiatrist... ALLISON Have you ever done it with a normal person? CLAIRE Now, didn't we already cover this? BENDER You never answered the question... CLAIRE Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers. ALLISON It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? CLAIRE A what? ALLISON Well, if you say you haven't... you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right? CLAIRE Wrong... ALLISON Or, are you a tease? ANDREW She's a tease... CLAIRE Oh why don't you just forget it... ANDREW You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases! BENDER (to Andrew) She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot... CLAIRE I don't do anything! ALLISON That's why you're a tease... CLAIRE Okay, lemme ask you a few questions. Allison is suddenly defensive. ALLISON I've already told you everything! CLAIRE No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean don't you want any respect? ALLISON I don't screw to get respect...That's the difference between you and me... CLAIRE Not the only difference, I hope. BENDER Face it, you're a tease. CLAIRE I'm not a tease! BENDER Sure you are! You said it yourself sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect! CLAIRE No, I never said that, she twisted my words around. BENDER Oh then what do you use it for? CLAIRE I don't use it period! Claire is on the verge of tears. BENDER Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological? CLAIRE I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth! BENDER Well if you'd just answer the question... BRIAN Why don't you just answer the question? ANDREW Be honest... BENDER No big deal... BRIAN Yeah, answer it! ANDREW Answer the question, Claire! BENDER Talk to us! ANDREW & BRIAN Come on, answer the question! BENDER It's easy, it's only one question! Claire silences all of them by screaming. CLAIRE (screaming) No! I never did it! Silence for two beats. ALLISON I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar... CLAIRE You are such a bitch! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over! ALLISON I would do it though...If you love someone it's okay... CLAIRE I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me! ANDREW You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to... CLAIRE Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre... ANDREW What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all. CLAIRE (to Andrew) How are you bizarre? Allison decides to field that question. ALLISON He can't think for himself... ANDREW She's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together. Claire laughs. BRIAN (to Andrew) That was you? ANDREW (to Brian) Yeah, you know him? BRIAN Yeah, I know him... ANDREW Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too... CLAIRE Oh my God... ANDREW And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda... he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...fucking humiliation he mustuv felt. It mustuv been unreal...I mean, (he's crying) I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me... BENDER I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling. Andrew laughs briefly. BRIAN It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't. CLAIRE What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself? BRIAN 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life... When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average... BENDER Why'd you think it'd be easy? BRIAN Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop? BENDER I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot! BRIAN I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp? BENDER No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp... BRIAN What do you know about Trigonometry? BENDER I could care less about Trigonometry... BRIAN Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering? BENDER Without lamps, there'd be no light! CLAIRE Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one... Allison feels left out. ALLISON I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth... CLAIRE With your feet? ALLISON ...play Heart & Soul on the piano. BRIAN I can make spaghetti! CLAIRE (to Andrew) What can you do? ANDREW I can...uh...tape all your buns together... BENDER I wanna see what Claire can do! CLAIRE I can't do anything. BENDER Now, everybody can do something... CLAIRE There's one thing I can do, no forget it, it's way too embarrassing. BENDER You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years. CLAIRE Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh...I can't believe I'm actually doing this... Claire takes lipstick out and opens it. She places it between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage. When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect. Everyone claps. Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow. ANDREW All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that? CLAIRE Camp, seventh grade... BENDER That was great, Claire...my image of you is totally blown... ALLISON You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh! BENDER Am I laughing? ANDREW You fucking prick! Bender turns to Andrew. As he speaks, we can see his words hitting home. BENDER What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? (he turns to Claire) And you...don't like me anyway! CLAIRE You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them! BENDER God, you're so pathetic! (furious) Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire. CLAIRE (quietly) Shut up... BENDER Are those real diamonds, Claire? CLAIRE (angry) Shut up! BENDER CLAIRE I bet they are...did you work, for the money Shut... for those earrings? Your mouth! BENDER Or did your daddy buy those? CLAIRE (furious) Shut up! Claire starts crying. BENDER I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home'n cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay? There are a few beats. ANDREW My God, are we gonna be like our parents? CLAIRE Not me...ever... ALLISON It's unavoidable, it just happens. CLAIRE What happens? ALLISON When you grow up, your heart dies. BENDER Who cares? Allison is on the verge of tears herself. ALLISON I care... BRIAN Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I? ANDREW No... BRIAN So, so on Monday...what happens? CLAIRE Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is? BRIAN Yeah... CLAIRE Do you want the truth? BRIAN Yeah, I want the truth... CLAIRE I don't think so... ALLISON Well, do you mean all of us or just John? CLAIRE With all of you... ANDREW That's a real nice attitude, Claire! CLAIRE Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him! ANDREW No way! ALLISON 'Kay, what if I came up to you? CLAIRE Same exact thing! BENDER (furious and screaming at Claire) You are a bitch! CLAIRE Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch? BENDER No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like! CLAIRE Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me. BENDER (furious once again) Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Carribean! CLAIRE (furious and sobbing) Shut up! BENDER And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom! CLAIRE I hate you! BENDER Yeah? Good! There is silence until Brian speaks. BRIAN Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos... (to Allison) Do you, would you do that to me? ALLISON I don't have any friends... BRIAN Well if you did? ALLISON No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind... BRIAN I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty... CLAIRE Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us... Brian laughs at her. BRIAN You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that? CLAIRE (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say! BRIAN Well then why do you do it? CLAIRE I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you! Brian is shocked. BRIAN I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well fuck you! Fuck you! Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying. BRIAN Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker... ANDREW Why'd you have a gun in your locker? BRIAN I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I... ANDREW What's the gun for Brian? BRIAN Just forget it... ANDREW You brought it up, man! BRIAN I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me! CLAIRE (with pity) Oh Brian... Brian bashes a chair over. BRIAN So I considered my options, you know? CLAIRE No! Killing yourself is not an option! BRIAN Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so! ALLISON It was a hand gun? BRIAN No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker. ANDREW Really? Andrew starts to laugh. BRIAN It's not funny... They all start to laugh, including Brian. BRIAN Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was destroyed! ALLISON You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do. Everyone laughs. ALLISON You're laughing at me... ANDREW No! Allison starts to laugh too. ALLISON Yeah you are! CUT TO: 31. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Later. We see Brian putting a record on and then music starts. We see them all dancing. This goes on for the duration of the song. CUT TO: 32. INT. HEATING DUCT - DAY We see Bender crawling back through the heating duct. CUT TO: 33. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Andrew, Allison, Claire and Brian are sitting, in that order on the railing. CLAIRE Brian? BRIAN Yeah? CLAIRE Are you gonna write your paper? BRIAN Yeah, why? CLAIRE Well, it's kinda a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think? BRIAN Oh, but that's what Vernon wants us to do... CLAIRE True, but I think we'd all kinda say the same thing. BRIAN You just don't want to write your paper...Right? CLAIRE True, but, you're the smartest, right? BRIAN (with pride) Oh, well... CLAIRE We trust you... Brian glances over at Allison and Andrew who nod in approval. ANDREW Yeah... BRIAN All right, I'll do it... CLAIRE Great... Claire looks at Allison who looks back. CLAIRE (to Allison) Come on... ALLISON Where're we going? CLAIRE Come on! We see Claire putting eye make-up on Allison. CLAIRE Don't be afraid. ALLISON Don't stick that in my eye! CLAIRE I'm not sticking it, just close... just go like that... Claire closes her eyes. Allison mimics her. CLAIRE Good... Claire puts the make-up on her and Allison squeals. CLAIRE You know you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes... ALLISON Hey...I like that black shit... CLAIRE This looks a lot better...look up. We see Brian thinking about what he's going to write. We see Andrew just thinking. We see Allison and Claire again. Claire is still putting make-up on Allison. ALLISON Please, why're you being so nice to me? CLAIRE 'Cause you're letting me. We see Brian begin to write. We see Andrew, still deep in thought. CUT TO: 34. INT. CLOSET - DAY We see Bender, in the closet once again. Claire opens the door and enters. BENDER You lost? Claire stares at him. Bender smiles. Claire smiles. CUT TO: 35. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Brian is busily preparing the essay. Andrew looks up and sees the newly made over Allison and is in awe. Allison walks towards him and stops when she notices Brian staring at her with his mouth open. She glares at him. BRIAN Cool! ALLISON (smiling) Thank you! CUT TO: 36. INT. CLOSET - DAY Claire kisses Bender, then she breaks the kiss. BENDER Why'd you do that? CLAIRE 'Cause I knew you wouldn't. BENDER You know how you said before, how your parents used you to get back at each other...wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity? CLAIRE Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick? BENDER Truth? CLAIRE Truth... Bender nods and speaks at the same time. BENDER No... CUT TO: 37. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Brian lift up his paper and kiss it. We see Andrew and Allison. ANDREW What happened to you? ALLISON Why? Claire did it! What's wrong? ANDREW Nothing's wrong, it's just so different. I can see your face. ALLISON Is that good or bad? ANDREW (laughing) It's good! Allison smiles. We see Brian laugh and give himself a congratulatory punch in the arm. CUT TO: 38. INT. HALLWAY - DAY The five are walking down the hall where they are met by Carl, sweeping up. Brian nods at him. CARL See ya Brian... BRIAN Hey Carl... BENDER (to Carl) See you next Saturday... CARL You bet! CUT TO: 39. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Brian gets into his dad’s car and leaves. Andrew and Allison kiss, Allison rips a patch off Andrew’s jacket and gets into the car. Andrew's dad arrives and looks at him, then at Allison. Andrew gets into the car and they drive off. We see Claire take out one of her diamond earrings and put it into Benders hand. They kiss and she gets into her car. She leaves. We see Bender put the earring in his ear. CUT TO: 40. INT. LIBRARY - DAY We see Vernon pick up Brian's essay and begin to read. BRIAN (VO) Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. CUT TO: 41. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY We see Bender walking towards us as Brian's monologue continues. BRIAN (VO) (CONT'D) But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... ANDREW (VO) ...and an athlete... ALLISON (VO) ...and a basket case... CLAIRE (VO) ...a princess... BENDER (VO) ...and a criminal... BRIAN (VO) Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. We see Bender walking across the football field as he thrusts his fist into the air in a silent cheer and freezes there. The Breakfast Club Starring... Andrew Clark.............Emilio Estevez Richard Vernon...........Paul Gleason Brian Johnson............Anthony Michael Hall Carl.....................John Kapelos John Bender..............Judd Nelson Claire Standish..........Molly Ringwald Allison Reynolds.........Ally Sheedy

#the Breakfast Club #John Hughes #other's film scripts

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