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rowyn-writes · 3 years

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A Mother's Love Part Two

Warnings: Pregnancy, fluff, major angst, implications of depression

Pairings: Dean x Wife!Reader

Characters: Dean, Jack, Sam, Reader, Cas (Mentioned only)

Word count: 3k

You sat on the couch of your childhood home, staring blankly at the T.V. Your knees were pulled up to your chin as you had your arms wrapped around your legs. It had been three weeks since you left the bunker, and you felt empty inside.

Your mother sat beside you, a cup of tea and honey in her hand and a concerned look on her face. "Darling, you have to eat something. I know you haven't been feeling well, but you still need to stay healthy." You didn't respond to her as she set the cup of tea in your hands.

Everything felt numb. It was like you didn't feel any emotions at all. The world felt dull. Like all color had been stripped and it left you in darkness.

"Sweetheart, what happened?" She asked softly. Even though you had been with your parents for almost a month now, you had never fully discussed what happened with Dean.

"Mom, please-"

"No, Y/N." She put her foot down. "You call me one day, clearly upset saying that you and Jack were going to stay here for a while. You get here and you don't look like the daughter that I knew. You've changed."

You scoffed at your mother's words. "I'm getting a divorce, of course I've changed."

She sucked in a breath of air. "Y/N. What happened?" You gave your mother a brief rundown of what happened with you, Dean and Jack. "Oh, honey." She sympathized. "I am so sorry. You know that you and Jack are welcomed to stay as long as you like. I know your father is excited to have a grandchild."

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked up to your mother. "What?"

"Jack, of course." She explained. "Look at them. Your dad's so happy. It's about time you give us a grandson."

"Lord knows you couldn't count on Chris for that." You rolled your eyes. "He can't keep a girl to save his life." Your smile began to fade slightly as your stomach did flips. Your mom noticed your green complexion and ran to grab a trash can. It was nearly too late as you felt your dinner from last night coming back up. She held your hair back as you did so, calling for your dad to get a wet washcloth.

You felt a cold cloth across your forehead, cooling your body. "Mom!" Jack said worriedly. "Are you okay?.

"She's okay, kiddo." Your dad assured him. "She's just not feeling too well." He mumbled skeptically.

You sat back against the couch, holding the rag to your head. "Jack," Your mom called. "Why don't you and I go make some cookies?"

Jack smiled at the idea, looking to you for approval. "You don't have to ask me, sweetheart. Go have fun."

You mother dipped down to whisper something unintelligible in your dad's ear before going to the kitchen.

"Y/N," He shook his head. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Because I don't want it to be real." You muttered. "I don't want to think about the last thing that Dean said to me or the look on his face. I want to wake up and for this whole thing to be a dream. But I know it's not. I won't wake up next to him tomorrow and I don't get to tell him how much I love him." You chocked on a sob, covering you mouth with your hand so Jack wouldn't hear.

"Oh, my sweet girl." Your dad said softly, pulling you into his side. "I am so sorry, my darlin'." You rested your head on his shoulder as tears slipped down your cheeks. "That's not it, though. Is it? There's something else."

"Papa, I think I'm pregnant." You confessed. "I'm late and I've been sick all week."

"Have you taken a test yet?" He asked. You shook your head. "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go by the drug store and get a couple of tests, just to be sure, and I'll grab you some food on the way home. How does that sound?"

"Great." You said with a small smile. He kissed the top of your head before grabbing the keys and heading out of the house.

---

Five.

Five tests that had come back positive. Each one that you looked at made your heart sink more and more. "Oh god." You whimpered. "Damnit."

"What does it say, sweetie?" Your mother questioned from the other side of the door. You slowly opened it up and showed her the positive pregnancy test.

"Are they all positive?" You nodded.

"What am I gonna do?"

"I think you should call Dean-"

"No." You said firmly. "I'm not calling Dean. He made it very obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore."

"Y/N," Your mother spoke firmly. "I'm not justifying what Dean said or did in the moment, however, he was just as hurt as you were because you were leaving with Jack and you didn't know how long you would be gone. I really think you should call him. I think he would want to know you're pregnant with his baby."

You sighed at her words. You knew she had a point. She was your mother, she's always right. "What if he doesn't care?" You whispered. "What if he hears my voice and hands up on me?"

"Then that's his loss, honey." She cooed. "The least you can do is try."

---

MEANWHILE, AT THE BUNKER;

"Dean." Sam shook his brother. "Dean. C'mon dude, wake up."

Dean groaned as his eyes peeled open. "What?" He grumbled.

"You've been sleeping in here all night." Sam said, crossing his arms. "You should probably get some rest in your own bed, or at the very least, the couch. And charge your phone while you're at it, it's dead."

Dean stretched add he looked at the empty whiskey bottle set on the table and the picture of your wedding day beside it. It had been a rough few weeks since you had left. "You know I can't go sleep in that damn bed." He growled.

"Dean, I offered to switch rooms with you-"

"I don't want to switch rooms!" He snapped. "I want my wife back."

Sam frowned as he looked at his brother. He looked awful. He hasn't shaven in weeks, his hair's a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Why don't you call her, Dean?"

"Because, after what I said, she'll never take me back. I was too harsh on her. Plus my phone is broken."

"One, you have ten phones, and two, yeah, you were a complete ass." Sam agreed. "You should have seen her when she left here. I had never seen anyone so. . . Broken before. You know they sparkle she had in her eyes?" Dean nodded. "It was gone. Her entire face seemed dull, almost like she had aged ten years."

Dean put his head in his hands, feeling defeated. "What have I done?"

"I don't know, but you had better make it right."

---

"Still no answer?" Your father asked. You had called Dean three times now and still no answer.

"Nope. Not a sound."

"I'm sorry honey," Your mother sympathized, rubbing your back. It's that anything we can do?"

"Yeah," You nodded. "I need space. I need to spend more time with Jack before the baby comes. I just want to know what it's like to be a mother."

"Of course." Your dad agreed. "Take the keys to the cabin in Colorado. I know that's a lot of good memories there and no pesky neighbors to worry about "

"Thanks, dad." You smiled. "We'll be outta here soon."

"You don't have to leave in a rush, kiddo. You know that we love having you here."

"I know."

---

"Why are we going to your parents cabin in Colorado?" Jack asked curiously as he peered out the window.

"Uh," You bit your lip as you tried to come up with a suitable lie to tell Jack. You hated how much you were lying to Jack lately, but you knew that he wouldn't understand the things that you were going through. "I just wanted to show you the place and stay up there for a little while. It's nice and quiet, you'll love it. It's cold up there and it's snowy in the winter. I used to go sledding all the time when I was younger and then my parents would call me in for hot chocolate and a movie. We can do that together. How does that sound, Jack?"

"It sounds great, Mom!" He smiled goofily. Every time he called you 'Mom,' your heart melted. You loved that Jack felt so comfortable around you to call you his mother. You knew that you would never be able to replace Kelly, and you would never want to, but you did want to make him feel safe and loved. You wanted Jack to know what a mother's love feels like. Jack blamed himself for the death of his mother, and you understood his grief, but you had told him time and time again that it wasn't his fault. Kelly wanted to go through with the pregnancy and refused to listen to anyone else's opinions on the matter. You just wished he understood that.

You felt a tear roll down your cheek, quickly wiping it away. "What's wrong, Mom?" Jack questioned. "Is it about Dean?"

You glanced over at Jack in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, Sam and Dean aren't here, and Dean hasn't called you to check up on you since we left. I know that whenever you go on a hunt by yourself, Dean calls you everyday to make sure you're okay."

You sighed heavily as you looked at the road in front of you. "Dean and I are. . . Going through a tough time right now. That's why I wanted to get away for a while. And I didn't want to go by myself, so that's why I wanted you to come with me."

"Are we ever going back to the bunker?"

"I don't know. . . It's a difficult situation, Jack. Right now, I don't think that I will be going back home anytime soon. But if you want to go back, I'll take you back. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do."

"I want to stay with you." He said firmly. "But I also want you to be happy. You don't look happy anymore. You don't smile or laugh the way you used to. You sit on the couch watching reruns of Friends, and I've heard you crying at night. Sometimes I think you forget that I don't sleep very much."

You said nothing in response, knowing that Jack was right. You wanted to call Dean one more time, but you knew it was fruitless. He wasn't going to answer. But you did have Sam. When you finally arrived at the cabin, you sent Jack to unpack while you dialed Sam's number. After three rings, he finally picked up.

"Hello, Y/N? Are you okay? How's Jack?" He asked in one breath.

"Hey, Sammy. I'm fine, and so is Jack. I just wanted to call and make sure that you haven't gotten killed by anything."

"Nope, we're still alive." He gave a small chuckle. "How are you, Y/N, really? Don't lie to me, because I know when you're lying."

"I miss him." You sniffed. "Being away from him hurts me." Your voice cracked, forcing you to clear your throat. "We've been married for five years. And I know that to the average person that doesn't seem like a long time, but we're hunters, Sam. You know how hard it is to stay in a relationship in our line of work. I've been in love with him for half my life, and now, for us to be in this situation, it sucks, Sam. I can't think of any other word to describe it. It really fucking sucks."

Sam was quiet for a moment as he listened to you cry. "I'm sorry this is happening, Y/N. I never thought that this would happen to you and Dean. But I've known Dean my whole life, and I've known you since we were twenty, so I think that I'm entitled to make a judgement on this." You let out a small laugh. "You two have been in love longer than you've been together, but both of you have been to dumb to realize it. You argue like cats and dogs because you're so certain about what you believe in. You're both so passionate about things that you never let up. And now that you're finally together, you have been so happy. Dean has never felt this way about anyone that he's been with, male or female. He loves you so much, Y/N, that it kills him. You have both come too far to for things to end like this. I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told Dean; fix this."

"I want to, Sammy, I just don't know how."

"Stop hiding, for one. You can't fix something when you're hundreds of miles away." You groaned as you felt a wave of nausea was over you. "Y/N?" You quickly made your way to the bathroom. "Y/N? What's going on? Are you okay?"

You leaned against the wall once you were done throwing up. "Yeah, yeah, Sam, I'm okay."

"What was that about, then?" Sam questioned. When you didn't answer, he began putting the pieces together himself. "You're pregnant."

"SHH!" You hissed. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? Because you don't want Dean to know?" He spoke coldly.

"Sam, please, don't say anything."

"How long have you known, Y/N? And how long do you plan on keeping this from Dean?"

You sighed as you pinched the bridge of your nose. "I've known for a couple of days, okay? And I don't know when or how I'm going to tell Dean. He made it very clear that he didn't want anything to do with me the last time we talked. Besides, I tried to call him and he didn't answer my calls, so don't try to pin me off as the bad guy here."

"When did you try to call him?" The hard edge in Sam's voice disappeared.

"Three days ago, when I found out I was pregnant."

You could hear Sam let out a small laugh. "Three days ago I came in the kitchen to find Dean passed out on the table, hung over as hell and holding on to the picture of your wedding day. And beside him was his broken phone. His main phone, which I'm assuming is the one that you called?"

"Yeah. . ." You said meekly.

"Hang up and call his second phone. Please, will you do that for me?"

"Yes," You nodded, even though you knew he couldn't see you.

"I love you, Y/N/N."

"I love you too, Sammy." You sighed as you hung up the phone. You were terrified to call Dean. You hadn't spoken to him since that night all those weeks ago. You were still hurt, and you knew that Dean was hurting as well, and all you wanted was to hear his voice. You took a deep breath as you dialed his second phone number.

It rang five times before going to voicemail, making your heart sink. Not a minute later, the number called back. "Hello?"

"Y/N." Dean's voice said gruffly. "Sam told me you were going to call."

"Did. . . Did he tell you anything else?" You asked.

"Just that I needed to talk to you. What's going on?"

"I miss you," You confessed. You needed to tell Dean everything, and that included telling him how you felt. "I hate the way things ended between us, and I know that it wasn't solely on you or me. But I love you, Dean, and I will never stop loving you. And I know it's unfair I left and this is how I'm trying to get you back; over the phone. I would much rather be doing this in person. But I love you, Dean, and I always will. No matter what you say or do, I love you."

You could hear Dean struggling to breathe correctly. "Where are you?"

"My parents cabin, wh-"

"I'll be tomorrow morning." And with that, he hung up.

---

You paced back and forth in the living room, biting your nails. Dean didn't say what time he was going to be here, but he just said that he would be here in the morning. You had stayed up all night thinking about him. About the way his hair fell into his face after a shower, and how he always smelled like whiskey and firewood. The way his eyes would crinkle at the edges whenever he laughed, really laughed. But your favorite thing was when you had just finished a hunt, and you would go to lie down in bed, Dean would pull you close to him and whisper how much he loves you.

A sharp knock at the door snapped you out of your trance. "Who is it, Mom?" Jack asked, peering around the corner.

"Why don't you come see, kiddo." You wiped your sweaty palms on your jeans before opening the door to reveal Sam and Dean. "Hi," You smiled. Sam was the first to come inside and hug you. He grinned as he pulled away, ruffling your hair.

"Why don't I take Jack into town for a little bit while you guys work this out?" He suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Jack, go put on your shoes, you're going into town with Sam for a little while." Jack beamed at your works, hurriedly putting his shoes on a following Sam out the door.

"Hi," You said once more after Sam and Jack were gone. Dean didn't say a word as he hugged you tightly. You melted into his touch, feeling comfort in his embrace. The familiar smell of whiskey and firewood filled your nostrils. You closed your eyes to savor this moment. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

taglist:

@vicariouslythruspn @mimaria420 @fofisstilinski @daphnen21 @katwed @anunstablefangirl @desimarie12 @alderpine @rebeccaitsnotwhatyouthink @akshi8278

Also, yes, there will be a part 3

#dean x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester angst #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester imagine #Sam Winchester #jack kline imagine #Jack Kline #jack imagine #supernatural #Supernatual #Supernatural angst #supernatural imagine #supernatural fluff #supernatural x reader

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iamthenightcolormeblack · 3 years

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Impressions of Wilde (1997)

I really liked this movie and I'm sure you will too! It's a great introduction to Oscar Wilde (who he was, a glimpse into his personal life, and why he remains relevant and incredibly charming) and also a celebration of homosexuality.

1. Overview:

The movie doesn’t tell the whole story of Oscar Wilde's life. It covers the 1880s, his rise to fame and sudden fall, and ends shortly after his 1897 prison release. Some Oscar Wilde fans were disappointed because they wanted to see the early parts of his life (how he got his inspiration and crafted his aesthete persona).

The costumes and sets are absolutely gorgeous and transport you back to the late Victorian era; lots of deep red fabric curtains, detailed mahogany wood furnishings, intricate paintings, and lavish costumes.

The lead actors are amazing and they resemble the real people almost exactly.

2. Casting:

Stephen Fry as Oscar Wilde. One could say he IS Oscar Wilde reincarnated; he looks almost exactly like Wilde. Most importantly he perfectly combines Wilde's charm and intelligence. The film also tries to show Wilde as a father and married man in addition to the "gay fop" identity that he's usually placed in. As much as he mocks society, he's kind and loving (still cares about Bosie even though it's obvious at times that Bosie doesn't deserve his kindness).

Jude Law as Lord Alfred "Bosie" Douglas, Wilde's lover. I must say that Bosie definitely reminds me of Dorian Gray because he's blond, beautiful, and selfish. He throws lots of temper tantrums and reminds me of a teenage boy trying in vain to rebel against his father, the Marquess of Queensbury (Wilde's enemy who plays a big part in his downfall). He does seem to care for/love Wilde, but is still selfish in that his first concern is himself.

Jennifer Ehle as Constance Wilde. You may know her as Elizabeth Bennet from the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Film Constance is quite intelligent and unconditionally supportive of Oscar Wilde.

3. Scene Recaps:

The film begins quite unusually in the Wild West (no greater contrast between the gritty Colorado mining town and the elegant parlors of London). Wilde makes his entrance in a fancy fur coat, dressed to kill. He successfully entertains the miners with a story about an artist.

Back to London; Wilde was in Colorado on his North American lecture tour. At a party he meets Constance and marries her "because all artists need an audience." Quite an interesting quote because there's this general conception that artists are isolated people who need to get away from society to produce their best works, when in actuality they need others to appreciate their works. Constance is a good match for Wilde because she's intelligent and constantly (coincides with the name) supports him even though he cheats on her with his gay buddies.

We are then treated to a lovely scene where he walks through a crowd of lawyers (marking him as a nonconformist).

Robbie Ross, one of Wilde's best friends, introduces him to gay sex.

“Dinner with lord and lady Asquith” = code language for a fling.

Then he meets John Gray, a handsome bohemian played by Ioan Gruffud, a pretty guy with long hair, and has another fling with him. Gray brings up the idea of art as a means of capturing the soul (inspiration for The Picture of Dorian Gray, which brings scandal to the Wilde family).

Oscar Wilde has 2 boys with Constance. He loves his family and cares about the wife but he’s always away in London working on his plays/stories or having flings with his gay buddies.

I really liked how the film used Oscar Wilde's children's story The Selfish Giant as a metaphor for his relationship with his family. His success isolates him from his family; he's often away and doesn't visit often, much like the giant hides behind a wall.

He meets Bosie at the premiere of the play Lady Windermere’s Fan (not historically accurate). Bosie says something smart to flatter Wilde, summing up what Wilde did in his work: using wit to mock and amuse people simultaneously.

Bosie is a beautiful, selfish rich boy and wants Wilde for his own entertainment. He has some affection for OW but loves himself first; Wilde's friends and Robbie Ross are concerned for him. Wilde and Bosie have a passionate, open relationship. At times Bosie has sex with other men while Wilde watches.

They dine together without a concern for others’ opinion (another of my favorite scenes from the movie).

Wilde genuinely loves Bosie and sees him as the victim of bad parenting (what a pity, since it's unclear at times whether Bosie loves Wilde).

Eventually because of his relationship with Bosie, Wilde makes a powerful enemy in Bosie's father, the Marquess of Queensbury. Queensbury attempts to insult Wilde several times before sending him a card accusing Wilde of being a sodomite. Wilde sues for libel and that precipitates his downfall, as all the details of his personal life are revealed.

In the trial, Wilde tries to explain "the love that has no name" and is convicted. Then follows a heartbreaking scene where he tries to maintain his composure while being haggled and booed at by spectators, while his friends can only watch in silence.

Bosie swears to Wilde that he loves him, but while Wilde languishes in jail, he complains that the imprisonment affects him most as he's suffering (what a selfish person).

I have ambivalent feelings about the “happy” ending where Oscar Wilde is reunited with Bosie. As much as I like happy endings in LGBTQ+ movies (because that doesn't often happen), Bosie clearly isn't a very good person and maybe would have been bored with Wilde and left him.

4. Some things not included in the movie:

The film doesn't include the fact that Oscar Wilde slept with teenage boys and male prostitutes. The flings seemed to be consensual but some of the sexual partners were underage.

Constance is advised to change her last name to save her social reputation, but the film doesn't show that she actually did (changed it to Holland).

The last part of the film (the trial to the ending) merely serves to remind us that Wilde was courageous for being a nonconformist in a stifling society. They don't really show what happens to Wilde after his imprisonment with the exception of the reunion with Bosie.

Conclusion:

Definitely watch this movie if you haven't already; it's an excellent introduction to Oscar Wilde, or if you're a Wilde fan, it will be great entertainment.

I was going to write some more intelligent things about this movie but I just started college and I didn't get around to finishing this little post until a few weeks after I watched the movie (so I've forgotten some stuff in it/my other thoughts about it).

#oscar wilde fan #wilde 1997 #wilde #jude law #stephen fry #stephen fry was born to play oscar wilde #jude law is hot #jennifer ehle #the picture of dorian gray #dorian gray #the importance of being earnest #lady windermere's fan #salome #an ideal husband #love this movie #favorite movies #movie review

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goddess-help-us · 2 years

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well, well, well

here we are again, another journal night.

There are far too many things on my mind tonight. Probably what I am most concerned about right now is the status and potential re-alignment/loss of my friendship circle. Since the pandemic began two years ago, I've had two friends who I've called every week, if not more frequently at certain times, to keep us going and encouraged during this weird time. We got really close and we even took a road trip through the Pacific Northwest this past summer. I don't think I'd ever felt so happy and connected with other young adult humans in my life before. I'd been thinking of moving to Oregon pretty much as soon as 2021 began but, during the trip, my two friends seemed almost convinced that they could maybe move and live there as well. For a brief shining moment it appeared that all three of us would live in Portland once I graduated grad school and finished up my time here in Colorado. Of course, soon afterwards one friend seemed to return to their senses and realized that they were pretty happy at home in LA -- and I suspected that this particular was less likely to enjoy Portland anyway, so no surprise really. The other friend, who was in a much better place to relocate, has been trying to apply for jobs in order to return to the US and move to Portland but more or less has been either unsuccessful or very Goldilocks about each successful offer. I almost suspected that he actually didn't want to return and just didn't subconsciously know it.

Well, we had our weekly call last night and second friend told me that he is actually considering moving a third time to yet another international country. The thing is I can see him staying there on a long-term basis and I don't think he realizes that maybe subconsciously he doesn't want to return, or that he at least wants to return for perhaps the wrong reasons. He had to leave the call pretty early and I'd hoped that my other friend and I would simply carry and continue the call but he wanted to hop off the call really soon afterwards, probably to be with his bf.

Sigh, I just feel like a sense of dread that this group of friends which I've very carefully cultivated over the last two years may not actually be as tight or committed as I thought. I feel like I've made a lot of effort into keep this tiny trio together through the last two years. We've had a lot of changes to our schedules during that time and it isn't easy coordinating calls across 12 time zones but I've tried to keep everyone together despite our life changes. But that's just it, a lot of it feels like it's on me. It almost feels that if it weren't for me that we'd have stopped calling long ago perhaps. And I wonder if I'm only doing this because I am so isolated here in my grad school environment. I wonder if it's worth it to continue investing time and energy into this friend group when it feels like this dynamic isn't worth nearly as much to them as it is to me.

I accept that I could be all wrong about this but that's what my intuition is telling me. And if I'm right about this, then it makes me wonder who can I really count on? Because, besides my family, I feel like these two friends are probably the closest people in my life thus far. I guess this is just the natural consequence of being overly reliant upon digital and long-distance friendship in lieu of actual in-person friendship in your day-to-day. I just feel silly. I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel needy. I just want to have a home where I feel I belong and I'm so goddamn tired of never feeling right anywhere.

Can I please come home?

#personal #2nd year grad school #thoughts

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fczco · 3 years

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her and the moon, JJ Maybank

masterlist on bio

a.n: i posted this a few months back but it deleted when i deactivated my old account, so if you feel it familiar that's probably why :) english is not my first language so I'm sorry in advance for any mistake.

words count: 1,3k

warnings: alcohol, maybe a bit of swearing.

(gif not mine if it's yours please tell me so i can give you credits)

I was at John's B house and everyone else was talking about this party being held by one of the kooks that night, Y/N hadn't say a single word since the theme was brought up by Sarah and i perfectly knew why.

- "come on it would be fun" said Sarah with her arms in the air.

- "i mean, they always crash ours so why wouldn't we crash theirs?" everyone agreed with what Kiara just said, except for Y/N.

- "What do you say Y/N?" i asked because i wanted her to be comfortable and i knew this type of things were not at all her comfort zone.

- "i'll do whatever you guys do" she slightly smiled at me and i smiled back.

- "you sure?" i asked her again just to be sure even though i could see she wasn't, Y/N just nodded.

- "great" Sarah happily said.

We stayed there for like another forty minutes and then i walked Y/N to her house.

- "you know that we always can just stay out of it and watch some movies while we eat ice cream or something like that" i said as we approached her home.

- "it's ok JJ, i do not want to be the boring one" i looked at her with my left hand on my waist, "seriously, maybe it ends up being fun, who knows?" she smiled at me.

- "i swear to god, you're something else".

We said goodbye and i kept on walking until i reached my house.

I entered the house and started looking for my friends, and when i was going to give up i saw Kie laughing with Pope in the backyard, i ran towards them.

- "hey man" Pope and i did our not so secret hand shake.

- "Have you seen Y/N?" i asked waiting for them to know.

- "we arrived like twenty minutes ago and she disappeared like fifteen ago" Kie answer my question as she drank the beer left on her red plastic cup.

- "didn't you see where she went?" i really wanted to know how she was doing.

- "hey JJ what's up" John B had just arrived.

- "not much, have you seen Y/N?" i kept on asking.

- "i think i saw her going to the roof probably like five minutes ago" he pointed with one of his fingers to the metal stairs outside the house that went up.

I didn't even say thank you and went directly to the side of the house where the stairs were placed and started going up. When i arrived at the top i saw her sitting while facing the other way, knees up to her chest and her face rested on them. Her hair made waves along the fresh air of the night and i couldn't help but think about how amazingly beautiful she is. She was wearing a sky blue crop top, white loose shorts and her usual converse. I walked up to her and sat down on her side, there was a beautiful sight of the ocean and the stars and moon in front of us.

- "you were right" she said after a few seconds of just sitting there.

- "about what?" i asked while looking at how the waves crashed on the coast.

- "about coming here, i should've stayed home" i felt her gaze on me.

- "we can go if you want to" i suggested while embracing my knees as she was doing with hers.

- "nah, i like it here, you can barely hear the loud shitty music" i giggled and noticed how she shivered, i took off the red hoodie i was wearing and gave it to her, "thank you, that's very kind of you" i watched her putting the piece of clothing on.

- "i love you" i said very low but she heard me anyways.

- "what? i couldn't listen to you" Y/N said as she was placing her head inside the hood.

- "nothing" i extended my legs not giving importance to it.

- "ok you weirdo" she laughed at me and positioned her body between my legs, facing the ocean while her back and head rested on my chest.

We were in silence for some minutes, just me, her and the moon. This is what i liked about her, we could be in silence for hours and it would never get weird, every time i arrive at her house with a new bruise or cut from a fight with my dad she doesn't make any questions, she's always there and i know there's no way she'll ever judge me for anything.

- "what do you think will happen when all this high school shit is over?" she suddenly asked.

- "in what way exactly?"

- "i mean, what are you planning on do?" she turned her face a little to look at my eyes and i gazed down so i could see hers.

- "what am i planning on do?" i asked, she just nodded, "i didn't really think 'bout it, getting a job or something"

- "but, you're staying on the island right?" she sounded concerned?.

- "of course i'm staying here, i can't go anywhere else" i paused and hugged her as a cold breeze passed, "besides that, i don't want to leave the island you know, i've never gone anywhere else and i love it here".

- "me too" Y/N said.

- "i thought you were going to study at the University of Colorado? we've been talking about it the whole summer" I was surprised by what she was saying, it was pretty much the only thing she'd talked about in the last month.

- "i was" i looked down at her again, she scrunched her nose, "but then i realized that it was never my dream, i mean, before my dad brought it up it had never crossed my mind, and i don't think i like the idea of it, i've never gone out of the island too" i smiled "and i would never survive more than a week without seeing you" i hugged her again and kissed her head as we slowly swayed side to side.

- "i said something before" she nodded, i needed to tell her now that i know she's not going away, "it's something i didn't tell you in the past weeks because until know you were gonna go away in a few months and i thought it was worthless but now i'm kinda feeling like i should tell you ".

- "spit it out pretty boy" T/N said as she ran her hand through my hair, i smiled to that.

- "ok so, we've known each other since when? it feels like forever-"

- "it actually is, when we were like three years old you used to cross the street all alone and ask my mum if you could play with me, i never understood how you managed to start talking 'properly' before than i did" she laughed.

- "sshh let me finish love, and as you said i would never survive more than a week without you 'cause you're the only person that keeps me sane and can actually calm me down" i glanced at her and she was smiling, "and i know that i'm probably not the best person you'll ever meet and that you could do so much better but-" i couldn't stop talking because her lips were already on mine, they were cold but soft, we both smiled through the kiss.

- "i heard you before" she said while placing her head on my chest again and looking at me.

- "you did?" i asked, confused as why she didn't say a thing.

- "yeah" she smiled, "i just played dumb to see what would you do" i kissed her forehead.

- "so, what you say?" i asked.

- "about?" she answer back with another question.

- "about spending the rest of our lives stuck in this place" i laughed at my own words.

- "i'll actually would love to"

We were in the roof the rest of the night, making out and laughing at our own bad jokes, and even after the party ended we were still there, watching the sunrise.

I've never felt more comfortable and calm in my short life, and i have to admit that if being stuck in the island for the rest of my life is going to be like this, i would never change it for anything else.

#obx jj #jj x y/n #jj maybank #jj outer banks #jj imagine #jj one shot #obx fanfiction #obx x reader

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babygirlkiki1016 · 4 years

Text

Tough Love

After what happened to Sammy's girlfriend we decided to pay our respects to her. I could hear the birds chirping as Sam, who is wearing a suit and tie, holds a bouquet of various flowers excluding roses. Me and Dean watched from afar as he walks through an otherwise deserted cemetery. From what I could see Sam sighs and stops next to a gravestone. It reads "Jessica Lee Moore, Beloved Daughter, January 24th 1984 - November 2nd 2005."

"How did she die?" I ask Dean, after a few minutes of silence.

"....She died in a fire."

"I know that...but what caused it?"

"A demon...the same one that killed our mother."

".....I'm sorry....." Dean glances over at me and puts an arm around my shoulder.

"You have nothing to be sorry about....besides, we'll get the son of a bitch." I give him a small smile, then focus back on Sam. I spot a small picture of Jessica grinning that's set into the stone above her name, then a black-and-white picture of her leaning against the stone between a white teddy bear and a wooden box with a crucifix leaning on the picture. Sam looks between the gravestone and the flowers. "I, uh..." I heard Sam laugh. "You always said roses were, were lame, so I brought you, uh..." Sam looks at the picture set into the gravestone, then looks away, choking back tears. He steps closer to the gravestone. "Jess...oh God..." Sam kneels to set down the flowers. "I should have protected you. I should have told you the truth."

I look over at Dean who is just staring at him. Pain was shown across his features, I could tell Dean did not wanna watch this. After Sam put flowers on his girlfriends grave, we went back on the road again. I was sitting in the back while the boys were in the front. Sam was asleep, at least until he jerked awake and sighs as he hears "Hot-Blooded" is playing. Sam rubs his eyes and Dean looks over, concerned.

"You okay?" I questioned, Sam glances back and then away.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Nightmare?" Dean chimes in, Sam clears his throat, signaling he doesn't wanna talk about it.

"You wanna drive for a while?" Sam laughs.

"Dean, your whole life you never once asked me that." I grin and lean forward.

"Hold on, so you've never driven the impala?"

"No, but it's ok. I'll be able to drive it one day." Dean glances over at Sam.

"Yea, still gonna kill you for that little stunt Sammy, letting her drive baby into a house. But uh....I just thought you might want to....Never mind."

"Look, guys, you're worried about me." Sam replies "I get it, and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay."

"Mm-hm." Dean agrees knowing Sams not okay, Sam grabs a map.

"All right, where are we?"

"We are just outside of Grand Junction I believe." I say. Sam folds down the map, which is of Colorado and has a large red X labeled 35-111.

"You know what? Maybe we shouldn't have left Stanford so soon." Sam admits.

"Sam, we dug around there for a week. We came up with nothing. If you wanna find the thing that killed Jessica-"

"We gotta find Dad first." Sam interrupted Dean.

"Not to be nosy but...you still didn't tell me how she died?" I ask.

"Y/n now's not the time." Dean says while looking at me through the mirror.

"....Jess, my girlfriend died stuck to the ceiling with a stab wound in her stomach while being burned.....She was killed by the demon that killed my mother."

"How can a monster be capable of something like that?"

"I don't know, but our mother's death was the whole reason dad started training us."

"Yea..which your dad kinda helped ours with the whole 'how to kill monsters' thing." Dean smiled. "If it wasn't for Y/D/N, Dad would've probably been dead by now." Sam nods in agreement.

"So..with your dad disappearing and this thing showing up again after so many years, it's no coincidence. That's for sure." I pointed out.

"Dad will have answers. He'll know what to do."

"It's weird, these coordinates he left us. This Blackwater Ridge." Sam replies.

"What about it?" Dean asked.

"There's nothing there. It's just woods." Sam puts down the map. "Why is he sending us to the middle of nowhere?"

"Sam it's not the place, it's the monster. Just like in Jericho there could be a monster we have to fight, right Dean?" However Dean stays silent and just keeps driving. For the next few hours no one says anything. I decided since it was quiet that I could get some shut eye and after a few minutes I fell asleep with my cheek planted against the window.

When I wake up, the Impala comes to a stop and is parked next to a sign that says "RANGER STATION Lost Creek Trail, Lost Creek National Forest". I follow the boys out of the car, still tired. Sam smiles at me "How did you sleep?" He asks.

"Fine, I guess."

"I think you slept more than the both of us combined." Dean jokes.

"Well see if someone would let me drive-."

"Nope never again!" Sam laughs at our little feud and we keep walking.

"So Blackwater Ridge is pretty remote." Sam says as he looks at a 3D map of the national forest, paying particular attention to the ridge labeled "BLACKWATER RIDGE" as Dean looks at the decorations. "It's cut off by these canyons here, rough terrain, dense forest, abandoned silver and gold mines all over the place."

"Dude, check out the size of this freaking bear." Dean fantasizes, me and Sam look over. Dean is looking at a framed photo of a man standing behind a much larger bear. Me and Sam go to stand next to Dean.

"Eh I've seen bigger bears." I say.

"There's no way." Dean says.

"My dad used to take me hunting, it was part of my training." I laugh. "I took down my first grizzly when I was nine."

"Well there's a dozen or more grizzlies in the area. It's no nature hike, that's for sure, at least we have an expert with us." Sam says, I just roll my eyes. A forest ranger, walks up to us when he speaks, the three of us whip around.

"Y'all aren't planning on going out near Blackwater Ridge by any chance?" The ranger wonders.

"Oh, no, sir, we're environmental study majors from UC Boulder, just working on a paper." Sam laughs a little. Dean grins and raises a fist.

"Recycle, man." Sam's eyes flick to Dean, who doesn't move.

"You're friends with that Haley girl, right?" The ranger asks, Dean considers.

"Yes. Yes, we are, Ranger-" Dean checks the ranger's nametag. "-Wilkinson."

"Well I will tell you exactly what we told her. Her brother filled out a backcountry permit saying he wouldn't be back from Blackwater until the twenty-fourth, so it's not exactly a missing persons now, is it?" Dean shakes his head. "You tell that girl to quit worrying, I'm sure her brother's just fine.".

"We will. Well that Haley girl's quite a pistol, huh?"

"That is putting it mildly."

"Actually you know what would help is if I could show her a copy of that backcountry permit. You know, so she could see her brother's return date." Dean suggests and Wilkinson eyes Dean as Dean raises his eyebrows. After we get the permit we leave the ranger station. Dean is holding a piece of paper and laughing.

"What, are you cruising for a hookup or something?" Sam jokes.

"What do you mean?"

"The coordinates point to Blackwater Ridge, so what are we waiting for? Let's just go find Dad. I mean, why even talk to this girl?" The boys stop on opposite sides of the Impala.

"Maybe we should know what we're walking into before we actually walk into it?" I suggest.

"Pretty smart." Dean agrees.

"Since when are you all shoot first ask questions later, anyway?" Sam wonders.

"Since now." I laugh as me and Sam get in the car

"Really?" I hear Dean say and he gets in as well.

"Could you guys drop me off at the metro store? I need a new phone." I ask.

"No need." Dean smirks at me, and goes through the glove box. Then he leans back and hands me a small flip phone. "There, so you can call us if you get in trouble."

"Thanks..." I take it from him but sigh in sadness, I miss my dad, I thought.

"What is it?" Sam worries.

"I just miss my dad...I mean I left him a letter telling him I was ok but..."

"Hey, cheer up, you'll get to see him soon. Besides everyday we get closer to dad, you'll see him before you know it." Dean smiles and begins to drive away.

Deans Pov-

After we got to the motel, I asked Y/n if she wanted her own room, she just shrugged and said she didn't care. So I originally planned on getting her own room but in all honesty...I don't want her to die like Jessica. So we got a two bed room, she'd have to sleep with one of us. I put my duffel bag on my bed and sigh, Sam does the same. Y/n was outside calling her dad, letting him know she was ok but she had a time limit so he wouldn't track us.

"We'll isn't this place homey." I comment.

"Yeah...so what do you think of Y/n?" Sam asks.

"I've gotta be honest..She's not suited for this."

"C'mon she isn't that bad."

"Are you kidding? Sure she's smart, and pretty, and helpful..." I smiled to myself, lately I've been having weird feelings around her. "She's...badass."

"Dean, kinda getting off topic."

"Right uh, sorry. Anyways, she's never done this before, I don't think she's ready for this."

"Her dad trained her for this, just like our dad trained us. She maybe haven't done this before but she's been a lot of help. When we were facing Constance, if it wasn't for her I would have probably died."

"She's reckless, she drove baby through the side of a house."

"It was the only way to stop her! I probably would've done the same thing."

"What about the dent that suddenly appeared while we were at the bridge?"

"That was Constance-"

"No, if it was Constance then Y/n would have gotten hit. That....That was something entirely different, and besides that she didn't even talk to us for an entire three hours."

"She was scared-"

"We don't have time to be scared!"

"Dean that was her first hunt, look she did pretty well in the end."

"Yeah well...."

"Well what?"

"We have to take her home...."

"Dean come on."

"No!" I stand up and point a finger at him. "You were the one who was angry at me for bringing her into this. Now that I want to take her out your upset?"

"...I-I...Why don't we let her stay a while longer?"

"Why?"

"Dean she was gonna learn about this sooner or later, might as well be now. And if she wasn't here we would still be stuck in Jericho. How bout this, if she gets hurt or acts immature we'll take her home but for now she stays." I stayed silent, thinking about my next move. Should I really let her stay? What if she gets hurt or even worse...dies. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the door open and close, quickly I put a smile on my face and turned to Y/n. Although she wasn't smiling, she was....heartbroken.

"Y-Y/n?" I called out, and with those sad E/C eyes, she looks at me.

"....I'm no longer welcome home."

Y/n's Pov-

*10 minutes earlier*

This was it, the moment I would call my dad after almost a week. Slowly I pressed in the numbers and the phone began to ring as I put it up to my ear.

"Hello?" A gruff voice said, it was dad, my dad. He seemed sad, and instantly I was filled with regret.

"Hey dad...."

"Y/n!? Where are you?!"

"I'm safe dad....it's ok."

"No it's not ok, me and your mother have been worried sick! If I find you with Dean-"

"Dad please I'm just help-"

"No don't give me that bullshit, you are just being rebellious because I was strict on you."

"No I'm doing this because you wouldn't help Dean find John!"

"I only said no because I don't trust Winchesters! And neither should you! They only care about themselves, not anyone else. Everyone they know dies around them!"

"I haven't died-"

"Which is a miracle, but it's only a matter of time. You better come home this instance or I'm sending out a missing person's add. And when they find you with a twenty-six year old man-"

"Your bluffing, even if you did that they would escape."

"Your not safe Y/n-"

"I never was! No one is every safe in this world! Besides you were training me for hunting my entire life so what's the big deal?!"

"Your only seventeen that's the big deal!"

"Well I'm not going home unless they make me."

"They? Who-Please don't tell me John is there!"

"No it's not John, it's Sam."

"Sam? You mean Sam from Stanford? That's even worse! Y/n you have to get out of there! Something...Something is wrong with that boy!"

"There is nothing wrong with him or Dean, I'm staying here whether you like it or not."

"Then you better stay gone cause I'm tired of a disobedient brat like you! If you don't come home right now I-I'll disown you!" Those words, we're like knives, they went straight into my heart. Tears ran down my cheeks as I realized....I would never be able to go home...

".....Wow.." I say after a minute, "...you say you don't trust the Winchester's, more specifically John....but your just like him." And with that I hung up, what else was there to say? If dad wasn't gonna support me helping someone in need then...there's no point of going home. I have to finish what I started, silently I entered the motel room. I could feel the boy's staring at me.

"Y-Y/n?.." Dean called out, slowly I meet his gaze and say "....I'm no longer welcome home."

"What do you mean no longer welcome home?" Sam questioned, for the last ten minutes I had been crying my heart out in Dean's chest. I told him how the conversation played out, and by the end both of them were furious.

"I knew Y/D/N had a little anger issues, but to go that far?....That's just low." Dean said.

"Don't worry Y/n...you'll always have a home with us." Sam soothed, making me smile.

"Thanks guys....for the record, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change my decision."

"Well I'm glad." Dean smiled and kissed me on the forehead, making me instantly blush. "Cause I wouldn't want you to change it either." No one said anything after that, we just continued with our mission. Later after we got settled in our motel, we drive to the girls house. We stand at the door and it opens to reveal Haley Collins.

"You must be Haley Collins. I'm Dean, this is Sam and Y/n, we're, ah, we're rangers with the Park Service. Ranger Wilkinson sent us over. He wanted us to ask a few questions about your brother Tommy." Haley hesitates.

"Lemme see some ID." She says. Sam pulls out his fake ID with the name 'Samuel Cole' and held it up against the screen. Haley looks at it, then at me and Dean, then opens the door.

"Come on in."

"Thanks." The door swings open as Haley catches sight of the Impala.

"That yours?" She asks.

"Yeah." Dean says proudly, Sam looks back at the Impala.

"Nice car." Haley leads us into the kitchen, where a boy is sitting at the table on a laptop. Dean turns his head to mouth something to Sam, who rolls his eyes. We show her the permit but she just scoffs and leaves the kitchen.

"So if Tommy's not due back for a while, how do you know something's wrong?" Sam asks. Haley comes back into the room with a bowl she places on the table. "He checks in every day by cell. He emails, photos, stupid little videos-we haven't heard anything in over three days now." She answers.

"Well, maybe he can't get cell reception."

"He's got a satellite phone, too."

"Could it be he's just having fun and forgot to check in? Maybe it dropped in the lake or something." I say.

"He wouldn't do that." The boy at the table says, I eye him, but he looks away. Haley comes back putting more food on the table and says. "Our parents are gone. It's just my two brothers and me. We all keep pretty close tabs on each other."

"Can I see the pictures he sent you?" Sam asks.

"Yeah." On the laptop, she pulls up pictures.

"That's Tommy." She clicks twice and another picture comes up, then the still frame opening the latest video.

"Hey Haley, day six, we're still out near Blackwater Ridge. We're fine, keeping safe, so don't worry, okay? Talk to you tomorrow." I spot something on the video however, it was like a shadow.

"Well, we'll find your brother. We're heading out to Blackwater Ridge first thing." Dean smiles.

"Then maybe I'll see you there. Look, I can't sit around here anymore. So I hired a guy. I'm heading out in the morning, and I'm gonna find Tommy myself." Hayley confessed.

"I think I know how you feel."

"Hey, do you mind forwarding these to me?" Sammy asks.

"Sure." We smile and leave, departing from them.

After the meeting with Haley, we decided to go to the bar, after I got a fake ID. Now I was Y/n Dixon, a twenty-five year old female. The three of us were sitting down at a table.

"So, Blackwater Ridge doesn't get a lot of traffic. Local campers, mostly. But still, this past April, two hikers went missing out there. They were never found." I mention as I was using Sam's laptop, he told me I'd probably get better luck if I'd try to find information. Sam was opening John's journal, searching it for clues.

"Any before that?" Dean asks.

"Yeah, in 1982, eight different people all vanished in the same year. Authorities said it was a grizzly attack. And again in 1959 and again before that in 1936. So every twenty-three years, this thing comes out. Okay so since Haley sent Sam the video, watch this." I put the laptop where both of the boys can see go through three frames of the video one at a time. A dark shadow, like the one I saw earlier crosses the screen.

"Do it again." Dean says. I repeat the frames.

"That's three frames, a fraction of a second. Whatever that thing is, it can move."

Dean hits Sam.

"Told you something weird was going on."

"Yeah you were right." Sam smiles.

"The only thing that I know that can move that fast is a werewolf." I state.

"That's what I thought to." Sam says. "However I got one more thing." Sam hands over a newspaper article. "In 'fifty-nine one camper survived this supposed grizzly attack. Just a kid. Barely crawled out of the woods alive." I nod and the hand it to Dean who looks at newspaper.

"Is there a name? Uh...Oh here, Mr. Shaw." Dean reads.

"So then we go talk to him now, right?' I ask.

"That should be the plan." Sammy says.

"Ok what's up with your hair?" Dean asks.

"What?.."

"It was just H/C now it's yellow, is it like some kind of special hair dye?" I grab a lock of my hair, and he was right, it was bright yellow.

"No I haven't dyed my hair since I was fifteen."

"Ok something is definitely going on with you. First dad mentions you, then you somehow put a dent in my car without touching it and now your hair is yellow." The moment he said that my hair changed to purple.

"See there it goes again!"

"I...I don't know." My heart starts beating faster by the second, what's happening to me me?

"Dean I think you scaring her. Maybe we should call Y/D/N.." Sam suggests but Dean shakes his head.

"No screw that guy, look we'll figure it out. For now try to...keep it one color."

"You think I have control over this?"

"Maybe it's connected to your emotions?" Sam says grabbing his laptop and starts typing.

"W-What are you doing?"

"Keeping notes. Maybe if we keep track of what's happening to you then we can figure out what's going on. So purple is fear, then that would mean yellow is joy and when your hair is H/C it means you are experiencing no emotions."

"Well, other than this magical weird...stuff. What now?"

"To the store, we need to get you a business suit, then to Mr. Shaw." Dean says.

"A business suit? What for?" I wonder, but Dean only smirks.

Finding the perfect suit was hard, it wasn't until I walked out of the dressing room for the 5th time. This time both of the boys smiled, and Dean looked away blushing a bit. It was like a coat that went halfway down my thigh, however you could see my cleavage a little bit.

"How bout this one?" I ask.

"Y-Yea yea, that's good. Nice and formal." Dean stutters.

"Good, now I guess we buy this and then we can be on our way."

After we bought the suit, we went to go see Mr. Shaw. He talks to the three of us while leading us inside his house. He has a cigarette in his mouth, I coughed a little from the smoke.

"Look, ranger, I don't know why you're asking me about this. It's public record. I was a kid. My parents got mauled by a-" Sam interrupts.

"Grizzly? That's what attacked them?" Shaw takes a puff of his cigarette, takes it out, and nods.

"The other people that went missing that year, those bear attacks too?" The room went quiet. "What about all the people that went missing this year? Same thing? If we knew what we were dealing with, we might be able to stop it." Dean says.

"I seriously doubt that. Anyways, I don't see what difference it would make." Mr. Shaw sits down with a sad look on his face. "You wouldn't believe me. Nobody ever did...."

"Try me."

"I said no and that's final." He huffed, I knew he wasn't gonna tell us. I hesitantly sit down across from him.

"Mr. Shaw, what did you see?...I know you think we won't believe you but your our last resort. If you help us, I promise you we will get revenge for your parents." He looks at me like I was lyin, but sighs in defeat.

"Nothing. It moved too fast to see. It hid too well. I heard it, though. A roar. Like...no man or animal I ever heard."

"It came at night?" Shaw nods. "Got inside your tent?"

"It got inside our cabin. I was sleeping in front of the fireplace when it came in. It didn't smash a window or break the door. It unlocked it. Do you know of a bear that could do something like that? I didn't even wake up till I heard my parents screaming."

"It killed them?"

"Dragged them off into the night." He shakes his head. "Why it left me alive...been asking myself that ever since." Shaw's hands go to his collar. "Did leave me this, though." He opens his collar to reveal three long scars. Claw marks. Sam and Dean look at them. "There's something evil in those woods. It was some sort of a demon."

The three of us walk the length of a corridor with rooms on either side. "Spirits and demons don't have to unlock doors. If they want inside, they just go through the walls." Dean says.

"So it's probably something else, something corporeal." I state.

"Corporeal? Excuse me, professor."

"So what do you think?" Sam chimes in.

"The claws, the speed that it moves...could be a skinwalker, maybe a black dog"

"No it looked more human...what about a Wendigo? I don't know. I can do some research when we get to where ever were goin next." I offered.

"Where were goin next is our motel." Dean says. We drove back to motel, and I get out of the car as Dean opens the trunk of the Impala, then the weapons box, and props it open with a shotgun. He puts some guns in a duffel bag as Sam leans in.

"We cannot let that Haley girl go out there."

"Oh yeah? What are we gonna tell her? That she can't go into the woods because of a big scary monster?"

"Yeah." Dean looks at Sam.

"I may not know much about monsters Sam but that is probably the most stupidest idea." I intervene. "Besides her brother's missing, Sam. She's not gonna just sit this out."

"Then we go with her, we protect her, and we keep our eyes peeled for our fuzzy predator friend." Dean says picking up the duffel.

"Finding Dad's not enough?" Sam slams the weapons box shut, then the trunk. "Now we gotta babysit too?" Dean stares at Sam in annoyance.

"What?"

"Nothing." He throws the duffel bag at Sam and walks off. I follow in pursuit, when I walk through the door Dean looks at me and Sam who is behind me.

"So Y/n, you have to sleep with one of us tonight since there's only two beds."

"She can sleep with me." Sam offered.

"Well I mean it's up to her."

"I don't care, you two do rock, paper, scissors shoe whoever wins gets the bed to themselves."

"Alright seems fair enough." Dean says and holds out his hand in the formation. Sam rolls his eyes and throws the duffel bag onto one of the bed then gets into formation.

"Ok one, two, three!" I count down and both of them go, Dean chose rock while Sam chose paper. Dean smiles but quickly hides it and enters the bathroom.

"Is it just me or is he happy that he lost?" I ask making Sam shake his head.

"That's a first, though if he tries anything let me know. I'll let you sleep with me."

"Eh if he tries anything I'll break his hand." Sam chuckles.

"That's our girl."

Later that night all three of us was in bed. I couldn't sleep though, I still kept hearing my dad's words over and over. "I'll disown you", how could he say something like that to me? Tears began to form, I cover my mouth trying to keep quiet but Dean heard me.

"Y/n?" He quietly calls out. "You ok?"

"Y-Yeah...."

"Is this about your dad?...." Slowly I nod and Dean pulls me closer.

"It's gonna be ok, ok? He didn't mean it, he probably just said that so you'd come home....if you ever wanna...don't hesitate."

"But you said once I'm in this-"

"And I was wrong, your just a kid, you don't deserve this life...." I could hear the sadness in his voice, I look up at him. Those big green eyes stare down at me, making me smile.

"Neither do you...."

"...It'll be ok, I promise." He gently puts a hand on my cheek and caresses it with his thumb. I felt that urge, I wanted to kiss him, it was the perfect moment. It was like a moment in a movie where everyone is waiting for that kiss, waiting for the love to blossom. I slowly lean in, while staring into those beautiful forest green eyes. He doesn't move, which makes me nervous and my hair turns purple.

"Why are you scared?" He asked. "Was it something I said?"

"No I just....No it wasn't you....well I guess I'll let you sleep. Goodnight Dean." Quickly I move so I'm facing away from him, my cheeks are burning. Did I really just try to kiss Dean?

The New Hunter Masterlist

@samsgirl93 @nani-gram @eliwinchester99

#dean supernatural #dean winchester #dean winchester imagines #sam winchester #sam winchester imagines #dean winchester smut #dean x reader #dean x y/n #sam x you #sam fanfiction #sammy #sam winchester smut #sam and dean #supernatural

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bluewatsons · 4 years

Conversation

Ivan Illich with Jerry Brown, We the People, KPFA (March 22, 1996)

Brown: This hour we have a very special privilege and opportunity. We have here in the studio in Los Angeles Ivan Illich and Carl Mitchum, two friends of mine who I hope you'll enjoy our conversation. Listen in. You'll find it instructive. Ivan Illich is the author of a book, very famous in the 1970s, called Deschooling Society, another book called Medical Nemesis. He's also the author of Celebration of Awareness, Tools for Conviviality, Gender, and now his most recent book called In the Vineyard of the Text, a commentary on a 12th century scholar and saint, Hugh of St. Victor. Along with us here in the studio is Carl Mitchum, a professor of humanities, presently Visiting Scholar at the Colorado School of Mines and on a more permanent basis a professor at Penn State where Ivan Illich and his friends and fellow scholars meet every year for a few months to study these ideas that over the next hour we're going to do our best to elucidate and share. Ivan, why don't we just start with the book that I first encountered when I became aware of you, and that is the book Deschooling. Can you reflect on what you were thinking about when you wrote it and how you might see that reality today because we're still struggling with schools in this society. There's still a dependency on professionals that seems to have control of how we learn or don't learn and I just have to wonder have we made any progress in creating the context where people get the sense that they are in charge of their own learning?

Illich: During the later 60s I had a chance in a year and a half to give a dozen different addresses to people who were concerned with education and schooling at which I had looked as a historian. I asked myself, since when are people born needy? In need for instance of education. Since when do we have to learn the language we speak by being taught by somebody. I stood in front of a group and asked, who of you remembers from whom your child has learned walking? Among a hundred people certainly thirty would raise their hands and I would say, I guarantee you are all graduates of education schools. I wanted to find out where the idea came from that all over the world people have to be assembled in specific groups of not less than fifteen, otherwise it's not a class, not more than forty, otherwise they are underprivileged, for yearly, not less than 800 hours, otherwise they don't get enough, not more than a 1,100 hours, otherwise it's considered a prison, for four year periods by somebody else who has undergone this for a longer time. How did it come about that such a crazy process like schooling would become necessary? Then I realized that it was something like engineering people, that our society doesn't only produce artifact things but artifact people. And that it doesn't do that by the content of the curriculum, by what we are taught, but by getting them through this ritual which makes them believe that learning happens as a result of being taught. That learning can be divided into separate tasks. That learning can be measured and pieces can be added one to the other. That learning provides value for the objects which then sell in the market. And it's true. The more expensive the schooling of a person the more money he will make in the course of his life. This in spite of the certainty from a social science point of view that there's absolutely no relationship between the curriculum content and what people actually do satisfactory for themselves or society in life. That we know since that beautiful book by Ivar Birg [?], The Great Training Robbery. In the meantime there are least thirty or forty other studies, all of which show the same thing. The curricular content has absolutely no effect on how people perform. The latent functions of schooling, that is the hidden curriculum, which forms individuals into needy people who know that they have now satisfied a little bit of their needs for education is much more important. So that was the reason why I went into it.

Brown: So Deschooling was based on the insight that the school industry teaches people, not teaches them but manipulates them, into thinking that they have certain needs that the school itself alone can satisfy?

Illich: That they have needs. Not all people whom I knew as a young man had needs. We were hungry but we couldn't translate the hunger into a need for food stuff. They were hungry for a tortilla, for comida, not calories. The idea that people are born with needs, that needs can be translated into rights, that these rights can be translated into entitlements, is a development of the modern world and it's reasonable, it's acceptable, it's obvious only for people who have had some of their educational needs awakened or created, then satisfied and then learned that we have less than others. Schooling, which we engage in and supposedly creates equal opportunities, has become the unique, never before attempted way of dividing the whole society into classes. Everybody knows in which level of his twelve or sixteen years of schooling he has dropped out, and in addition knows what price tag is attached to the higher schooling he has gotten.

Brown: So you get a precise definition of where you are in the social hierarchy by how much schooling your had or how much schooling you don't have, so you didn't know you needed fourteen years and a postgraduate degree or to get out of high school depending upon where you lived.

Illich: It's a history of degrading the majority of people.

Brown: So you take somebody who's poor and you modernize the poverty by not only having a person that doesn't have a lot of material goods but now lacks the mental self-confidence that his father or grandfather had before that.

Illich: And I can create a world for him in which he needs constantly something which--at that time I searched for a word I didn't findd, context sensitive help. You know, when you are in front of a computer and when you are in that program and put in Word Perfect it tells you what help you need at that point at which you are. This is instructions for use. This is incorporation of teaching into the object with which you encounter at its high point. We have created a world in which people constantly are grateful if they are taken by the hand to know how to use a knife or to use the coffee maker or how to go on from here in text composing.

Brown: So basically what you have is we're getting a world that more and more makes people dependent and the dependency isn't on nature or on their friends but on those who run the institution, whether it's a school or a ...

Illich: I don't want to go that far in my paranoia. To say the ones who run the institution, that is exactly what Mitchum there intensely explored over the years. It is that increasingly people live in an artifact and become artifacts themselves, feel satisfied, feel fit for that artifact insofar as they themselves have been manipulated. That is the reason why the two of us in several dozen of our closer flings [?], our invisible table--I don't like college--concern themselves with the things in the world as it is today as determinants of the possibility of friendship, of being really face to face to each other. Usually the people who do the philosophy of things, of artifacts, of technology, are concerned about what technology does to society for instance. Inevitably modern technology has polarized society. It has polluted the environment. It has disabled very simple native abilities and made them dependent on objects.

Brown: Like an automobile.

Illich: An automobile which cuts out the use value from your feet. Like an automobile which makes the world inaccessible when actually that means in Latin using your feet to get somewhere. The automobile makes it unthinkable. I recently had the question, "You're a liar!" when I said to somebody I walked down the spine of the Andes. Every Spaniard in the 16th, 17th century did that. The idea that somebody could just walk! He can jog perhaps in the morning but he can't walk anywhere! The world has become inaccessible because we drive there.

Brown: So the objects, like a car or even like a school, change who we are.

Illich: Who you are and even more deeply they change the way your senses work. Traditionally the gaze was conceived as a way of fingering, of touching. The old Greeks spoke about looking as a way of sending out my psychopodia [?], my soul's limbs, to touch your face and establish a relationship between the two of us which is this relationship, and this relationship was called vision. Then, after Galileo at the time of Kepler, the idea developed that the eyes are receptors into which light brings something from the outside, keeping you separate from me even when I look at you. Even if I gaze at you. Even if I enjoy your face. People began to conceive of their eyes as some kind of camera obscura. In our age people conceive of their eyes and actually use them as if they were part of a machinery. They speak about interface. Anybody who says to me, I want to have an interface with you, I say please go somewhere else, to a toilet or wherever you want, to a mirror. Anybody who says, I want to communicate with you, I say can't you talk? Can't you speak? Can't you recognize that there's a deep otherness between me and you, so deep that it would be offensive for me to be programmed in the same way you are.

Brown: Carl, were you going to jump in here?

Mitchum: I think that when Ivan talks about the importance of artifacts, or objects, and how they influence the way we experience ourselves and relate to others that's the thing in Ivan's work that has been continually most challenging to me because as I've tried to reflect and think about the world in which I live, a world in which a hundred years ago, even fifty years ago, when I was growing up there was a predominance of natural objects around. Rocks, trees, animals, chickens. Even in the city there was a predominance of natural vegetation and that's all changed. We live in a world in which the artifice of our environment overwhelms the natural foundation or context of the past. As Ivan has pointed out, that artifice is undergoing a fundamental transformation in what he referred to as context sensitive help screens. We spend more time now in front of a screen of one kind or another than we used to spend face to face with other humans beings--either the screen of the television set, the screen of the computer, the screen of my little digital clock right here in front of me.

Brown: And then even the city that we see is some kind of a screen with the billboards, the buildings. It's a mirror of the technological change and manipulation of nature. We're seeing this--what is this thing that we're seeing?

Mitchum: And we begin to experience the world, like when we're driving in a car the windshield becomes a kind of screen. The world becomes flattened to that screen. What was the term that Barbara used, Ivan?

Illich: The windshield gaze, but I found at the Penn State Library a report on the Texas meeting of windshield technicians. Last year we had three volumes with some 870 contributions about how to engineer the windshield view which always makes you be where you're not yet.

Brown: So you're looking ahead.

Illich: You're looking at what lies ahead, where we are not yet, which of course makes us with terrible feeling like when you are with somebody and he always wants to know where we will be next week, where we will be the next hour, instead of being right here. It makes facing each other increasingly more difficult because people can't detach themselves anymore from the idea that what we look at has been manipulated and programmed by somebody.

Brown: But people have always been subject to domination in one form or another in society. Now this is a different form of this kind of control.

Mitchum: It's not domination. It's transformation.

Illich: Let's stop for a moment and take that seriously because you give me some idea of who's listening to us. Definitely what I ought to do was until quite recently in all cultures which we know of determined by the idea of hierarchy being natural, being a given. The human condition, which can be that of the tropics or that of cold climate, which can be that of a very highly sophisticated Greek politea [?], with slavery or God know what horrors, or which can be that of a monastery in the 12th century. Being something given in which I live, which I have to learn to suffer. People didn't speak of a culture. The word didn't exist. But they spoke about the style of the art of suffering which we have here and not somewhere else. Somewhere else knows how to suffer his human condition. All this has been blown away, but what was common to all these forms of suffering the human condition was some kind of hierarchy which led them to the idea. The two of us, we haven't seen each other for a year now, and when we saw each other we bowed in front of each other and I had this clear feeling just as I was deeply impressed by some of the things which recently I have read of you. You also had a similar bow. This very idea of bowing. Don't bow in front of a screen. It's made impossible for people, or very difficult, who constantly see non-persons on the screen. I remember the day when that kid told me, "Yes, but I did see this evening Kennedy and then President Bush and then also E.T." For goodness sake, I am not something like them. I am somebody who wants to respect you, who wants to look up to you. This has been deeply undermined. That's the reason why I am saying that thing with the domination is important. Abuse of this leads to domination.

Mitchum: The abuse of the screen leads to domination?

Illich: Domination ought to be distinguished.

Brown: That was really hierarchy. I was speaking of more hierarchy. You think of the medieval period, the kings and the clerics and the peasants, and then we have this world of democracy where supposedly we're all equal and yet it turns out quite different from that.

Illich: But domination, let's say superiority, manipulation. With equality, dealing with the other, from above becomes manipulation.

Brown: So you're saying in a context of equality if you bow to someone that's already wrong.

Illich: It is already wrong and probably he will manipulate you. He will use devices and tools. He will manage you. There's a tremendous difference between managing somebody under the assumptions of equality and being able to exploit, to command, to deny another persons under conditions of hierarchy. The very idea of power is something literate, like money or watts [?] which can be loaded anywhere, is a very modern idea. It makes you believe that women and men can fight for power. In traditional society where human was Adam and Eve, where their relationship was a proportion like in music. A quint [?]. You hear a quint. You don't hear two sounds which combine to a quint.

Brown: What's a quint? A note?

Illich: A note, yes.

Mitchum: Two notes that harmonize.

Brown: A chord.

Illich: If you take a chord, divide it two to three and then listen to it you get that which people all through history have enjoyed as beauty, as music. Until Bach. That's the only thing which we can enjoy is music. And then from 1730 to 1890 modern music reflects a completely new view which you can make something they called music out of tempet [?] tones, that is tones which are artificially, using logarithms, defined in such a way that they are all slightly off proportion but provide the possibility of symphonic arrangements of international usage. I'm really addicted to precisely this horrible, impure noise which is modern music but I know that it is nothing to do with traditional Gregorian, with traditional Greek, with any kind of past music where people didn't hear individual tones which together give a proper arrangement. But they only could hear the relationship between the two sides of a chord. The loss of the sense of proportionality, the loss of the sense that our friendship is not Jerry plus Ivan and some interaction between them as if they were two screens, two programs, two machines, but an irreality [?] which is beautiful in itself. That sense seems to me that which I would like to save. I can't do that in politics. I can't do that in public life. I can do that only cultivating, we get together around spaghetti and a glass of wine.

Brown: So now in your earlier period you were more engaged in thinking about and writing about things like medicine or the medical world or the schools or tools or energy or transportation and now what you're just saying that you really have to focus on friendship, on people, around a table. Is there something that changed in you or something that changed in the world that brought you to that perspective?

Illich: I guess both. I am surrounded for the first time in my life with people above 25 who were born in the year, or shortly after the year, during which I had one experience of what they call medically in America depression of two weeks. I called it melancholia. I called it acedia.

Brown: Acedia being one of the seven deadly sins.

Illich: Which is the inactivity which results from a man seeing how enormously difficult it is for a man to do the right thing.

Brown: Also called sloth in some translations.

Illich: In good English. Sloth. I had a period of very black sloth and didn't want to continue writing on that book Tools for Conviviality. I said to myself, you don't have kids yourself. If you had kids now probably you wouldn't do it because you couldn't imagine your own kids. But you'll go on and finish this. I understood what ashes [?] were, what it meant to have to move into a world of the technological shell of which we spoke before. And now these people are born in that age. I can speak differently to these people than I could speak to people of the sixties. In '68 when I made people aware of the horrors implicitly inevitably affected by sickening medicine because it creates more sick people than it can help, stupefying education of which we just spoke, time-consuming acceleration of traffic so that the majority of people have to spend many more hours in traffic jams in order to make a few people like you and me and perhaps even Mitchum omnipresent, that was our main concern. Today my main concern is in which way, and these people understand it, technology has devastated the road from one to the other, to friendship, and yet therefore it is not our task to run out into the world to help others who are less privileged than we are. Some people must do this and I must collaborate with it. The real task is to remove from my own mind that screen. You and Mitchum spoke just a few minutes ago which makes your face inaccessible to me, which removes the thou which you are and from whose gaze, whose pupilla in the eye, I receive myself inaccessible to me.

...

Brown: Ivan just mentioned you had a focus on these larger societal issues and now you're coming to focus in recent years on the more immediate friendship. I'm very struck by the fact that you've always when I've used the word communication and then you say computers communicate but people talk, people have a conversation. I think the same thing is also true of the word relationship. You can have a relationship among instruments or between instruments, but you can only have a friendship between two people or among human beings. I guess one of the obvious points about the modern sophisticated world would be the technological terms that invade our own understanding of ourselves and our immediate life. In this book that Ivan has written called In the Vineyard of the Text he called my attention to footnote 53 which is from the Latin. Who is the author?

Illich: This is Hugh of St. Victor who writes to a friend of his.

Brown: OK, this is Hugh of St. Victor, a man who lived in the 12th century, and here is what he says. He says, "Charity." Now when he says charity does he mean love?

Illich: Yes.

Brown: OK, so I'm going to use that. When he says love never ends. "To my dear brother Ronolfe from Hugh, a sinner. Love never ends. When I first heard this I knew it was true. But now, dearest brother, I have the personal experience of fully knowing that love never ends. For I was a foreigner. I met you in a strange land. But that land was not really strange for I found friends there." And it goes on. You want me to go on some more?

Illich: It's so beautiful.

Brown: "But the land was not really strange for I found friends there. I don't know whether I first made friends or was made one, but I found love there and I loved it and I could not tire of it for it was sweet to me and I filled my heart with it and was sad that my heart could hold so little. I could not take in all that there was but I took in as much as I could. I filled up all the space I had but I could not fit in all I found so I accepted what I could and weighed down with this precious gift I didn't feel any burden because my full heart sustained me. And now having made a long journey I find my heart still warmed and none of the gift has been lost for love never ends."

Illich: Isn't that a marvelous little letter?

Brown: It's wonderful.

Illich: Today we would immediately say if a man writes to a man like that he must be a gay. Why not? But anyway if he writes to a woman they would say what a marvelous sexual relationship. But do I need these alienating concepts? I want to just go back to a great rabbinical and also as you see, monastic, Christian development beyond what the Greeks like Plato or Cicero already knew about friendship. That it is from your eye that I find myself. There's a little thing there. They called it pupilla, puppet, which I can see in your eye. The black thing in your eye.

Brown: That's the pupil.

Illich: Pupil, puppet, person, eye. It is not my mirror. Libby [?] spoke that way about it. It is you making me the gift of that which Ivan is for you. That's the one who says "I" here. I'm purposely not saying, this is my person, this is my individuality, this is my ego. No. I'm saying this is the one who answers you here, whom you have given to him. This is how Hugh explains it here. This is how the rabbinical traditional explains it. That I cannot come to be fully human unless I have received myself as a gift and accepted myself as a gift of somebody who has, well today we say distorted me the way you distorted me by loving me. Now, friendship in the Greek tradition, in the Roman tradition, in the old tradition, was always viewed as the highest point which virtue can reach. Virtue meaning here the habitual facility of doing the good thing which is fostered by what the Greeks called politaea, political life, community life. I know it was a political life in which I wouldn't have liked to participate, with the slaves around and with the women excluded, but I still have to go to Plato or to Cicero. They conceived of friendship as a flowering, a supreme flowering of the interaction which happens in a good political society. This is what makes long experience so painful with you that every time we are together you make me feel most uncomfortable about my not being like you. I know it's not my vocation. It's your vocation. Structuring community and society in a political way. But I do not believe that friendship today can flower out, can come out, of political life. I do believe that if there is something like a political life to be, to remain for us, in this world of technology, then it begins with friendship. Therefore my task is to cultivate disciplined, self-denying, careful, tasteful friendships. Mutual friendships always. I and you and I hope a third one, out of which perhaps community can grow. Because perhaps here we can find what the good is. To make it short, while once friendship in our western tradition was the supreme flower of politics I do think that if community life if it exists at all today it is in some way the consequence of friendship cultivated by each one who initiates it. This is of course a challenge to the idea of democracy which goes beyond anything which people usually talk about, saying each one of you is responsible for the friendships he can develop because society will be as good as the political result of these friendships will be.

Brown: So we start with a world where the good society creates the virtue and the virtue is the basis of friendship. Now it's reversed. Now it seems we have to create the friendship and in the context of the friendship virtue is practiced and that might lead to a community which might lead to a society which might be a whole other kind of politics.

Illich: Yes.

Mitchum: Let me venture a commentary on that because it seems to me...

Brown: Would you say we understood each other?

Illich: We understood each other.

Mitchum: In some sense that's what you're trying to do, Jerry, with We the People. As I visited your place in Oakland you've created a context in which what comes first is your friendship with other people and the friendship, the relations, between the people at that community. And out of that may grow some politics but what I experienced when I visited We the People in Oakland is primarily your hospitality and the hospitality of others there with you.

Illich: Here is the right word. Hospitality was a condition consequent on a good society in politics, politaea, and by now might be the starting point of politaea, of politics. But this is difficult because hospitality requires a threshold over which I can lead you and TV, internet, newspaper, the idea of communication, abolished the walls and therefore also the friendship, the possibility of leading somebody over the door. Hospitality requires a table around which you can sit and if people get tired they can sleep. You have to belong to a subculture to say, we have a few mattresses here. It's still considered highly improper to conceive of this as the ideal moments in a day or a year. Hospitality is deeply threatened by the idea of personality, of scholastic status. I do think that if I had to choose one word to which hope can be tied it is hospitality. A practice of hospitality recovering threshold, table, patience, listening, and from there generating seedbeds for virtue and friendship on the one hand. On the other hand radiating out for possible community, for rebirth of community.

...

Brown: Let me ask you about the institutionalization of hospitality. I remember a phrase once, "hospitalization has replaced hospitality" and this business of institutionalizing values. I know you've written about the story of the Good Samaritan who is my neighbor and now we come up to this world of the needs, the rights, and the institution to take care of all that. Based on what we were just saying can you say a little bit about what institutionalization does, and in my mind I identify this with the image of progress, and then this reality that we're discussing of friendship, of love, of basing anything we might want to call community on that very immediate unconstrained, uninstitutionalized way of being together.

Illich: All right. I'll come to progress before I come to the last point at which we are now where progress is smiled about a little bit.

...

Illich: Let me being somewhere else. Hospitality, that is the readiness to accept somebody who is not from our hut, this side our threshold, this bed in here, seems to be among the characteristics which anthropologists can identify, one of the most universal if the not the most universal. But hospitality, I'm going again to the Greeks I know, Xenia [?], Xenos, is the word for hospitality also.

Brown: Xenos, the word for stranger, hospitality.

Illich: Xenos was Zeus insofar as he is the god of hospitality.

Brown: And also the same root of xenophobia, fear of the stranger. So you can have love of the stranger or fear of the stranger.

Illich: Yes. Xenophobia means hospitality. But hospitality wherever it appeared distinguishes between those who are not necessarily yonons [?], or pamphilions [?], Greek areas, but Hellenes and those who are blabberous [?], barbarians. Hospitality primarily refers to Hellenes. It's a behavior which knows there is an outside and an inside. It is not for humans in general. Then comes that most upsetting guy, Jesus of Nazareth, and by speaking about something extraordinarily great and showing it in example destroys something basic. When they ask him, who is my neighbor? He tells about a Jew beaten up in a holdup and a Palestinian being called a Samaritan, it came from Samaria [?], it's a Palestinian. First two Jews walk by and don't notice him. Then the Palestinian walks by, sees that Jew, takes him into his own arms, does therefore what hospitality does not obligate to, and treats him as a brother. This breaking of the limitation of hospitality to the ingroup, to the broadest possible ingroup, and saying, you determine who your guest is, might be taken as the key message of Christianity. Then, in 300 and something, finally the Church got recognition. The bishops were made into something like magistrates. The first things those guys do, these new bishops, is creating houses of hospitality, institutionalizing what can be only what was given to us as a vocation by Jesus, as a personal vocation, institutionalizing it, creating xenodocaea [?], roofs, refuges, for foreigners. Immediately, very interesting, quite a few of the great Christian thinkers of that time, the year 300, 1600 years ago, John Krezostamos [?] is one, shout, if you do that, if you institutionalize charity, if you make charity or hospitality into an act of a non person, a community, Christians will cease to remain famous for what we are now famous for, for having always an extra mattress, a crust of old bread and a candle, for him who might knock at their door. But, for political reasons, the Church became, from the year 400, 500 on, the main device for a thousand years roughly of proving that the State can be Christian by paying the Church to take care institutionally of small fractions of those who had needs, relieving the ordinary Christian household of the most uncomfortable duty of having a door, having a threshold, but being open for him who might knock and whom I might choose. This is what I speak about as institutionalization of charity. Historical root of the idea of services, of the service economy. Now, I cannot imagine such a system being reformable even though it might be your task and the task of courageous people whom I greatly admire for the impossible task they take on to work at its reform, at making the evils the service system carries with it as small as possible. What I would have chosen and as Mitchum and other friends have chosen together as our task is to awaken in us the sense of what this Palestinian, I say always instead of saying Samaritan, example meant. I can choose. I have to choose. I have to make my mind up whom I will take into my arms, to whom I will lose myself, whom I will treat as that vis-a-vis that face into which I look which I lovingly touch with my fingering gaze, from whom I accept being who I am as a gift.

Brown: It's very hard to add to that. Let me just step back a bit and just put this question back. This whole world of services, the schools, the hospitals, the welfare, the servicing of needs. And service is not just that. There's entertainment. There's all sorts of things that define the modern economy and that's what you're saying is smothering the individual and only alive possibility of being a human being in response, in the I-thou, in the I am here now, loving, being with. That reality is destroyed by what proports to be the good of serving people through the institutions of modern society.

Illich: But there is this, for me, most uncomfortable, painful--at moments I feel this hateful obligation to be also in the midst of schools, hospitals, the transportation systems, radio!

Brown: This isn't exactly a service.

Illich: I leave it up to you. I am not for one moment suggesting, none of us is suggesting, that you can... We formerly spoke about Manichaeans in a Puritan way, withdrawing to the comfort of friendship. But it is only there that you can become in the I-thou relationship, which has mutual respect and bowing, that person who knows, who has a sense for the good. Not for values. Values are totally different. For the good, what is proportionate. And therefore know where you stand when you move into criticism of service systems, of economy, of economic relations of class structure.

Brown: So friendship is the soil out of which one has to walk in the larger world.

Illich: I wish it were the soil. I wish there were still soil to it. And it is not friendship unless there is something a little bit dirty to it. Dirty you don't say in English. You know, dirt in the good sense. Earthy.

Brown: Fleshy.

Illich: Because the eyes are fleshy. That image in there, in your pupilla, of me is fleshy.

Brown: So when you said Manichaean, and maybe people listening won't know what Manichaean is, but this idea that this idea that there's an evil spirit and a good spirit and your looking at the world of services is certainly the product of some evil spirit. You're rejecting that and saying, yes, friendship is the pure spring of creativity or being fully human and yet we're in the world.

Illich: I use the word dirty because dirt is a good word.

Brown: It's the source of what's real and from that source we still have to be in the world and do something to the world..

Illich: It's a reembodiment of our judgments and of our experience. By reembodiment I mean the country [?] of what, radio too, does. People had to listen to us without seeing our faces.

Brown: And while that's limited it's a wonderful thing that we're able to do it. And Ivan thank you very much for doing it. Folks, now that you've heard us talk I hope you'll be talking with your own friends.

#interviews #ivan illich #jerry brown #radio #education #judgment #christianity #Manichaean #xenophobia #friendship #sin #acedia #deadly sins

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seventhtea · 7 years

Text

on this website, more of you guys make it seem like girls can do no wrong and every time a girl is mean it's justified.

well. I don't agree

When I was younger I was bullied. I used to come home from school and cry almost every day.

When I was in middle school, there was this group of girls that would talk about me like if I couldn’t hear them. At first, I thought maybe I’m being paranoid and they aren’t talking about me. They are just talking about someone else. It’s whatever. but no. I would hear them say things like “Bonnie is getting fatter than she was when school started.” or “one day Bonnie is going to get so fat she won't fit through the door” or “I can't imagine any one ever liking Bonnie because she's so ugly” after a while I started believing them. I hated myself before the school year was even half over. Around then was the first time I thought about suicide. Can you imagine? A middle schooler thinking about suicide? that's so fucked up. Well, it started to show in how I presented myself because around which made those girls and their boyfriends started calling me the emo girl. They stopped using my name and stopped calling me fat. But they called me emo and told me that maybe I should hurry up and kill myself already since I’m only taking up space that someone better could be having. It was almost impossible for me to get out of bed every day and I dreaded walking to the bus from my house.

By the time I got to high school, I thought this will be different. The first high school I went to was huge. I had a few friends in middle school and most of them went to the same high school as me. One of them was this girl that had a boyfriend for almost a year by the time we started high school and it was amazing. I thought it was so cool that she found someone so early in her life that she wanted to stay with. Unfortunately, the guy didn’t feel the same. I went to this party that the girl invited me to and even though I didn’t want to go, I figured it would be fine. Well, when I got to the party I found the girl and her boyfriend (We will call them Steven and Jasmine). At one point Jasmine told me to wait with Steven while she went to get something and Steven decided that would be the moment to feel me up. He grabbed my ass and I pushed his hand away but didn’t say anything. So he took that as a cue to stick his hand up my skirt. I fought him off for a while but he was bigger than me and she chose then to walk back over. She called me a slut. She believed him when he said I was trying to force him. She told everyone I knew that I tried sleeping with him and that I was ugly so he obviously rejected me. Everyone believed her.

Lucky for me, I moved away not too long after that. So I was only called a slut for a couple months. I moved to Colorado and I thought that since I was going to be in a different state, it will be better. I won't have to deal with the same mean people anymore. At my second high school, there was this girl that was really nice to me. She was the first person to talk to me at my new school and she invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. She introduced me to a bunch of new people and I felt like I could be happy there. After a while, she invited herself over to my house and I let her because I didn’t want to do anything to ruin this. so when she forced herself onto me I didn’t fight too much because I didn’t want to lose everything I was finally getting. After about the fifth time, I made her stop. I told her not to come over anymore if she was going to do that because I’m not into those kinds of things. She took it the wrong way. She would show up outside of my house and scream at me outside of my window. She would call my phone nonstop. she even said things like “if I can’t have you, no one can.” I remember being so scared constantly.

I had another “friend” at that school and much like jasmine, she thought I tried stealing her boyfriend. once she started telling people what a slut I was for flirting with her boyfriend, I decided I wouldn’t let it be like the last time. So I did start flirting with him. me and him got along really well after all. we even dated for a while after he broke up with her for being so mean to me without a real reason. so it wasnt just her being mean. I did steal her boyfriend after all. but i wouldn’t have even looked at him if she didn’t start calling me names and telling everyone that I was a dirty slut. I just wanted to do something to make her leave me alone.

Around senior year, I moved to another high school. It was all the way across town with all the rich kids. I only went there because my mom lost her job and we had to move in with my grandma. When I got there, the girls constantly pointed out how cheap all of my clothes were and how old my bags were and how I had to use the free food program because I was to poor to afford the school lunches that were only about 2 dollars a day. most of this I ignored. It was annoying but they werent telling me to kill myself so I was fine. they started doing things like throwing out my gym clothes because they knew I couldnt afford new ones. or they would throw my school bag into the pool. They would push me anytime they walked past me. but most of this I thought I could deal with. but one day, i couldn’t take it and I broke down. You see, me and my brother had this prepaid cell that we shared. We went to the same school and if we needed anything or had an emergency, we would have a way to call our mom. but one day, after gym where the teacher yelled at me in front of the whole class because once again i didn’t have my gym clothes, i went back to my locker and my backpack was spilled out and my phone was gone. This phone was my safety device. It was what I had that would remind me that if i really felt that bad, i could have my mom pick me up and i would be fine. and they took it. It was found later in the toilet of a bathroom two floors down. when i got home that day I cried for hours. I couldn’t understand what it was that I did to make these strangers hate me so much.

the last two stories is about girls from my mock trial club. see, this guy from one of my classes pulled me aside one day and was like hey i know why you look so sad all the time. and i gave him my most unimpressed look and he grins and goes its because you arent in this really cool club. it was so dumb and simple and it made me laugh and i thought i could really be apart of this club if he was in it. i joined the club and i spent hours and hours there and i loved being able to see his smile everyday and then he did something that made me realise he isnt that great. He told me that he really likes me but he also likes 2 other girls just as much and that if we want to be with him, we have to convice him that we are the better one. obviously i wasnt going to get involved. i thought it was ridiculous and i dont like anyone enough for that. but i do hate to lose. I hated the thought of it. so when one of the other girls started calling me names, and told me he would never choose me because i was ugly, i thought there is no way im going to lose to a girl like this. So i told him i really like you also karin is a bitch and when he chose me i felt happy for about two seconds before karin started reminding people that im poor and ugly and fat and that no one would ever love me so the reason i won is because the boy didnt want me to be embarrased or he felt bad for me or something along those lines and i started believing her. every time i was with that boy i would feel like maybe she is right. he doesn’t like me. No one had me as paranoid as she did.

and the last girl. in the club, we had these sort of roles. So, my friend was like the mom. she took care of everyone. she made sure everyone was fed and happy. There was this girl that was like the older sister that everyone went to for advice or to talk about love or whatever. and then there was me. I was the baby of the group. everyone called me baby. they said that i needed the most love and the most attention and that they always just felt like spoiling me. it was great and it was fun and there were days that i genuinely felt loved. But there was this girl. I dont even remember her role in the group, i just remember that she hated that i was the baby. She was constantly trying to convince everyone that i was just acting a certain way so they would think i needed attention. that i was just an attention whore. she convinced some of my “friends” that i was the reason that we wouldn’t make it to nationals and that i should just be kicked out. but the worst was when she convinced everyone that it was my fault that my friend had a break down in the middle of the clubroom. my friend was the third girl from the group above and instead of fighting with me, we ended up bonding over a mutual hatred for the other girl. so when he chose me, my friend was fine with it but she wasn’t ok. She loved him from before i had even met him and so she had a breakdown in the middle of the club and it was my fault. but this girl over here went and told everyone. she told them that i was talking shit about my friend and that i rubbed it in her face and all these other things and this time they all believed her. I tried to go talk to my friend and calm her down but this girl had some other club members block the doors and talk shit if i even walked past. she isolated my friend so instead of feeling better she felt like no one even cared enough to go check on her. she thought that i didn’t care about her enough to go see if she was ok or if she wanted me to walk her home or anything. She was in that room all alone thinking none of us cared because this girl was more concerned with making people hate me than trying to make sure my friend knew how loved she is.

these weren’t the only things that happened, they are just the things that stick out the most and that still fuck with me even though im 22 years old. I still think about these things constantly. I think about how i felt so powerless and so hated and i was still i child when i started wanting to kill myself. So when i see things on this website about how all girls are perfect and they can never do anything wrong and blah blah blah i get really annoyed. because girls can be really mean and really hateful and they can hurt people and you can’t excuse that just because they are girls.

#My Stuff #Text #about me #im exhausted #I don't know what made me think of this tiday #anyways

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