#if you don't then i am also coping very badly and just unable to write

[kimmimaru]

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

#Rant post #very long #I don't expect anyone to read this it's a little bit more personal than what I usually post and I'm sorry for that

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Short Update

12.03.22//

I'm really sorry that I have been so pants at writing the update that I promised...truth be told, Im finding it hard to know what to say/where to start and my brain is complete mush/fog right now. Not only that but I am also feeling incredibly embarrassed/ashamed of my current situation.

Things were going so well with my degree apprenticeship. I was making great progress at work, getting great feedback and becoming more confident/settled in the role. Uni side was going fine, I wasn't enjoying the study blocks social aspects but the units were interesting and I was enjoying seeing how it could be applied to my every day job.

However underneath/amongst it all, anorexia has been raging and screaming, holding full control of the reins for longer than I care to admit. Looking back, the whole of my last admission (a top up to help me get out of a relapse after the previous admission before I started work) was dictated and controlled by anorexia. (It was also incredibly unhelpful on the ward and the support I got was just....a shambles but that's a whole other story). Upon reflection, I don't think that I have ever been willing enough or strong enough (or 'whatever' enough) to let it go of the eating disorder, it's rules, behaviours etc. And so the cycles have continued to playing out on repeat. I am beyond tired/exhausted/frustrated/lost for words at myself, and so is everyone else tbh. There really is nothing more/new to say anymore. It's just really shit/sad.

I keep on failing and messing up just when there seems to be a little ray of 'hope' (Uni/travelling/work etc) and it's probably down to the illness getting so engrained and stuck and rigid and me never really willing to let it go or move forwards from it....

My therapist felt at a bit of a loss too, we were working well with SCHEMA and made some important progress, however the sessions then got overruled by the need to focus on my physical health as it became the priority. We then somehow started touching on some trauma work and it brought more to the surface than we realised it would...

But yes, I digress, and I forgot that this was meant to be "short"...

Over the past few months things have deteriorated and I was signed off from work 2 months ago as I was unable to make changes whilst working and studying. The hope was I could turn things around after an urgent review and being given a timeline/ultimatum...but no amount of desire to get back to work or study could unlatch the tight grip that anorexia has had on me. Being signed off from work unfortunately also fed right into the depression slump and I've found myself floating and sinking (whilst simultaneously sticking my head in the sand in the attempt to avoid reality) far more/further than I want to admit.

Sadly time was not on my side and my body hasnt been coping so well and so the my team felt I couldn't be left in the community any longer. So after trying to turn down numerous bed offers for SEDUs (because the last place I wanted to end up was on a EDU and genuinely wanting to do it from home), I agreed to be admitted to a completely different unit on Wednesday (9th March). I feel utterly horrendous and like the biggest failure in the world. Work have been beyond amazing/supportive/kind/understanding but my inner self critic is raging louder and louder. It is so hard to describe the paralysis of wanting and knowing so badly what you need and want to do but being utterly frozen to the spot and unable to move.

It is very early days and I am currently trying to find my feet on the ward - Im terrified for what the next few weeks hold as the refeeding process progresses and I don't know how long I am going to be here but I am determined to make this admission different and make it the last one I ever have to have again. The unit seems to be very different to all my past admissions so I am hoping that might help in elements but I know deep down that it has to come from me. And I am sick and tired of these cycles replaying in my life. It's the same old boring noise coming out of anorexia again and again and again. and Im done. I can't keep doing this to myself or my family. Im done.

I feel sad because there was such a huge part of me that wanted (and still does want) to be doing this in the community, I knew what I needed to do and I wanted to be doing it for myself. However right now I am having to accept that I need a little more help and support, which is hard. I am trying to tell myself that there is nothing to be ashamed of but it is so much easier said than done. Anorexia is so fucking complicated and messy. I genuinely don't think there is one cause or thing and it feels so overwhelming when I try to understand all its roots and twists and turns....it's insidious.

It has been controlling my whole entire life, and the lives of the people around me. I have been its puppet. And it's made me feel like I don't know how to live/move without it. Well this has gone on for far too long. Far too long.

So yes, I suppose that is my "short" update for now. I'm sorry.

#personal #update #I am sorry to be such a mess and disappointment #and I am just as frustrated and annoyed as everyone else if not more so #i hate this

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at Elland Road in Leeds, UK - May 29, 1982 (Part-2)

Fan Stories

“We got a coach from my home town (about 2 hours from memory) and drank an ocean of lager on the way, by the time we got there we needed the toilet so badly we could have exploded! We got into the stadium and waited for the first band of the day. Soon enough a not very well known (to me) American band came on called Heart. They weren't bad but did nothing for me. Then came The Teardrop Explodes who tried and who I reckoned did quite well despite the flying bottles of liquid being hurled at them from the crowd. After them was Joan Jett complete with Blackhearts who got the crowd going with "I Love Rock'n'Roll" mainly because Brian appeared at the side of the stage with his daughter to have a look. Eventually after a long wait the stage lights dimmed and a strange cranking sound started up and then you were suddenly aware of the drum beat to Flash thumping out and spotlights chasing around the stadium. This went on for a minute or so and the excitement was unbearable. All of a sudden in an explosion of smoke, lights, guitars, drums... Brian, John and Roger are there blasting out the opening part of The Hero. Seconds later in a gleaming white leather jacket out runs Freddie and it begins... A moment I will never forget along with many others from Queen shows since and before it. I can't say which show was my favourite as I loved them all but that moment WAS Queen, the sheer power, the anticipation, the fantastic musical ability and above all else the way they gave people what they crave more than anything... wonderful memories.” - whiteman

“29th May 1982 - a really nice warm day. We only lived a few miles away so walked down to Elland Road - I can't believe it - Queen live in my home town at the home of the greatest football team in the country (well maybe not now!). Got to the ground early and were allowed in by security, such a relaxed atmosphere. Saw band's soundcheck - great! So hot sun, never went behind stadium roofs. Got best suntan I have ever had! Heard Teardrop Explodes - not bad. Then you are aware of the beat of flash thumping out around the stadium, the smoke rises and bang - they are on! The greatest gig I have ever seen from the greatest live band in history. God bless you, Brian, Roger and John. Rest in peace, Freddie - we will never forget.” - Michael Quine

“This was my second ever gig, the first being Rory Gallagher the year before (I am sure I once read that Rory was one of Brian May's favourite guitarists). Anyway, being only 14 and not yet in the habit of getting off my face at gigs,I can remember that day very clearly. I am convinced I saw someone throw a hamburger at Julian Cope (Teardrop Explodes were going down like a lead balloon), and just as Julian was opening his gob to sing, he CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH. A huge cheer went up, then they stomped off. Somebody, possibly Queen's manager, came on and told everbody to behave. I also remember a fan getting on stage and Freddie expertly rolling him off the stage. I didnt like the Hot Space album much but was chuffed they were still a hard rock band. I bought the next edition of Kerrang mag and the write up of the gig said STUNNING. Great memory.” - Edwin

“I was 15 years old in 1982 when I attended my first ever concert. Fortunately for me, it was QUEEN's show at Leeds AFC ground in the North of England. I remember when my ticket arrived in the post, possibly 2-3 months before the concert, as was often the case in those days. I stuck my ticket on a cork notice board in my bedroom and could barely contain my excitement over the coming weeks. Every morning, I would wake up and look at the yellow ticket, wishing the days away. I imagined everything that could go wrong would. Queen would cancel the gig, I would break my leg, the family pet would die on the morning of the concert and it would be too insensitive of me to go, the transport wouldn't turn up or would break down, there would be a pile up on the motorway, I'd lose my ticket en route, etc, etc. As it turned out, May 29th 1982 was a hot and sunny day, perfect weather for an outdoor gig. I was CRAZY about Queen and had been since the age of 9 but I really didn't know what to expect on that day. Myself and three friends took a coach organised by my Dad's company from Lancashire across the M62 motorway to Leeds. Our excitement began to really take a hold when we arrived at the football ground and we followed the droves of people towards the turnstiles. To me, this was something on a really big scale and I could already hear the hum of the crowd inside. Not really believing that we were actually about to witness a Queen concert, we found our seats on the West Stand, offering a great view of the stage. I remember marvelling at Queen's new lighting rig and the equipment that adorned the stage, shining in the afternoon sunshine. The ground was almost full at this point and the pitch was heaving with people. The atmosphere was relaxed as people bathed in the sunshine. I remember two guys climbing the fence from the stand and attempting to get a better spot by running into the crowd and losing themselves on the pitch. Their efforts were in vain however as they were quickly located and ejected back into the stand by two security guards. We bought some black Hot Space tour shirts (I wore mine with pride until it literally fell apart) and a programme from a vendor inside the ground and waited for the first band to take the stage. A guy near us shouted and punched his way through Heart's set and then left just as they vacated the stage. Obviously not a Queen fan! The Teardrop Explodes suffered at the hands of the Queen congregation and found themselves battling against a shower of bottles and assorted missiles. Other than that, I don't really remember much about the support bands. I think that Bow Wow Wow were billed to play (an odd choice) but I can't recall if they actually turned up. No matter, we were about to witness what is still one of the best gigs I have ever attended.

As the dusk descended upon us, the giant floodlights were extinguished one by one and the memory of the roar that followed still sends shivers down my spine. Dry ice drifted across the heads of the crowd on the pitch as the intro tape of Flash thumped out of the PA and the strange 'grating' noises added to the recording created a foreboding atmosphere. Two of our party were on the pitch and to this day remember their chests thumping in unison to the powerful rhythm. A sea of hands clapped in perfect time to the beat. To me, this was already an amazing experience. And then the big moment. Freddie, resplendent in dazzling white made his entrance to The Hero and the blaze of the lights. An apt number to start with. Before he had even sung a note, the audience were locked tightly in the palm of his hand. Such an entrance, such a showman. "You're a F***in amazing crowd", he exclaimed after the first rush. The beginning of the gig is, in truth, my strongest memory of the show itself. In particular, the "Flash!!!" vocals cutting through the night air with so much volume. I recall being shocked at the sheer power of Queen's performance and the clarity of the huge sound they harnessed. Morgan Fisher's keyboards during 'Action This Day' sounded bright and hypnotic. Freddie's intro to Fat Bottomed Girls caused quite a response too; "the bigger the t*t the better it is!". I also remember the follow spots darting wildly over the crowd during 'Tie Your Mother Down' and everybody going crazy. Oddly enough (and this is something I still swear by to this day), I was in a Maths lesson at school the following Monday and I swear I had a flashback of this and could actually 'hear' the music being re-played in my head. It was a weird moment and life was never quite the same again. We talked endlessly about our experience for months to come and one of my biggest regrets is not jumping on a train to attend the filmed Milton Keynes show a week later. Having been to so many gigs since, I can honestly say that there is nobody who has been able to top Queen live; I was lucky enough to see the band five times between 1982 and 1986, including Wembley Stadium and their last show at Knebworth. I think that my personal favourite was their performance at the NEC in Birmingham on 'The Works' tour in 1984. People were literally stood there with open mouths, unable to believe how good they were. Leeds is definitely up there too. I recall Brian May stating that he thought it was one of their best performances ever. I can't argue with that Mr May. I've often wondered if an audience shot cine film or even just photographs exist from the Leeds gig. It would be a dream come true to see my memories come to life again.” - Keith Lambert

“I can't believe it was 30 years ago that I attended my first ever gig at Elland Rd Leeds in 1982. I was 17 years old at the time, I was into Queen when I first heard seven seas of rhye, which was so different to all the other stuff around at the time. I'd heard them live on tv, and had Live Killers. Also I used to buy bootleg cassettes of all of their tours from 74 onwards. But nothing could prepare me for that day. They should have played this gig at Old Trafford Manchester, my home town, so I was gutted when the residents opposed it. Tickets were very easy to come by, believe it or not, cos Queen were not seen as a relevant band at that time. Also touring the Hot Space album didn't seem to excite anybody. So, Billy no mates had to go on his own, haha. My memory is a bit hazy, but I will try my best. I got to the ground about 1pm, and was lucky enough to have a pitch ticket. I got right to the front, well about 10 yards from the stage, slightly off centre and to the right. If I told you I never moved from that spot all day and never spoke to anyone, would you believe me? One of the reasons for this is the rivalry between Manchester and Leeds, also I was only a kid, haha. Not sure who was first on, probably Teardrop Explodes, Julian Cope, I remember while they were throwing bottles at him, picked one up and started hitting himself with it and stretching his arms out saying he was an Argentinian bomber or something. It was during the Falklands war, remember. Then Heart came on, not really my cup of tea, and I had a lie down on the tarpaulin and tried to go to sleep. Then Joan Jett, who was better than the rest, but not really exciting. During the band changes, I remember the roadies polishing Roger's drum kit and climbing up ropes and those threepronged lights, which before I saw them move I thought they were cameras. Queen took ages to come on. From my recollection and I might be wrong, they didn't come on until 10pm and went off around Midnight. I heard later that they got fined so much per minute for being late on stage but they wanted to wait until it was dark for the lighting rig to take effect. If you watch the Bowl DVD you will notice it was light when they came on stage there. But that was being filmed by Channel 4. But it was absolutely pitch black when they came on stage at Leeds. Then the floodlights went off, smoke started to appear and strange noises started, which I can't describe, sorry. Then Flash's Theme started, it was loud, very, very loud. I knew they were supposed to be loud and this was the part that scared me. The ground was thumping, the bass just pumping away. The these 'cameras' flicked into life, with men on them. The intro seemed to last for a very long time. Then BANG Brian appears with the first chord of The Hero and a flash of the biggest white light I've ever seen and will never forget and the absolute loudest noise I have ever heard just hit me. The intro was quite in comparrision to this. When I play Live at the Bowl, I tend to repeat the intro and The Hero, virtually every time, because it was definitely a life changing experience for me at that moment, just incredible. Then Freddie appeared in brilliant white again, I was that close, I swear His hair seemed blue because of the mass of white lights. His voice, so loud, so clear, honestly, I can't describe that moment properly. I heard Freddie swear, saw Roger spitting, quite a lot, over his drum kit and onto the stage, I was bewildered.

When they did Play The Game and also Somebody To Love, when Freddie was doing the intros for them and it will sound strange to those that weren't there, but I didn't know what the songs were. I thought they was new unreleased songs. The reason was they was so loud, It kind of deafened you and then kind of sunk in what they were about to play. Then the rest of the gig flew by and I was singing my head off. Everyone was, but you could only hear Queen. Again my memory may be wrong, but I read afterwards that Queen had paid for residents to move out of their homes for the day. These houses were monitored and they said that the sound was like Concorde flying 10 feet over your head... Yep I will buy that. For all that and for all the bad things said about it, The Works tour, which I went to all the 4 origional England gigs they had planned, was the best tour they ever did. The set list was fantastic and the lighting rig was incredible. Not as loud, I also add. I also saw them in Manchester, 86. They had to be off stage by 10pm and noise levels had to be adhered to. I was too far awy to see them and the screens didn't come on because it was too light. Also I couldn't here them properly. I've watched the mMagic Tour gigs on DVD etc, but for me, that was the poorest tour they ever did. So that's it, hopefully some of you can confirm my bad memory, or say I'm wrong. Hopefully not bored you all. But it was the greatest musical experience I ever witnessed and I am proud I was there.” - Paul Wakefield

Part-1

(x)

#queen #queen band #roger taylor #freddie mercury #brian may #john deacon #queen concerts

[ceoofanticatradora]

We need more anti C//A who are Adora stans (like you seem to be) so that people can understand that C///A is bad for Adora. Heck C//A is bad for Catra too, but the shippers don't seem to realize it. If Catra had been able to let Adora go maybe she could have healed instead of her festering and the abuse may have ended instead of escalated.

Hello Dear, welcome on my Blog and a big thank you for your message! Firstly I wanna apologize that this response is reaching you more than three full days, almost four later. Just real life getting into the way of my online presence (at least I got my A-Levels admission!) but I assure you that replying to you was on my To Do List the entire time. And while I could've typed something quick, I thought you deserved a full length response just as much as the person before you received. That goes for anyone really to ask/write me anything in the future.

Adora is a character that has flaws, her own interests, things she struggles with/is insecure about etc. but she also still works on being better (up to Season 5). This makes her relatable, fleshed out and overall three dimensional. Overall for me that makes Adora very likeable. Which is funny because when I first watched the show I thought of her as too goofy and felt like she as a character was overall just flat. Her character design did not speak to me either, the ponytail with the weird hair poof and these pointy shoulders of her jacket just really were not my taste. Isn't it amazing how perceptions can change?

As you can guess from that description I did not always stan Adora and she's probably still not my favorite character but over the almost two years I've been in this fandom I've grown rather fond of her. Other important characters to me are Kyle (a very relatable comfort character of mine, he learned to stand up for himself and others and I support that, f*ck Season 5 for barely acknowledging his existence), Lonnie (apart from treating Kyle badly (which I really do NOT support or excuse) I really love her, man, some women just do me like that, I mean she really stood up to Catra like that), Entrapta (I'm autistic too! It's great to have some representation, seeing the ableism/treatment she experiences in the show is not so much though), Seahawk (I don't even know why, I have some issues with his behavior towards Mermista at times but overall I love this dork), Scorpia (she reminds me of myself so much and I really wanna give her hugs, I'm so glad she chose to no longer let Catra treat her like that even though I will be forever salty she just immediately forgave her), Peekablue (I can explain this even less than Seahawk, especially since it was not even really him in the end but his existence somehow helped me cope with Season 5, without him I probably would've left this fandom ... and also my favorite color is blue) and Double Trouble (now there's enough people already critcizing how they're not exactly great Non-binary representation but this dramatic lizard will forever be in my heart, that reality check they gave Catra, basically slapping her in the face with facts was satisfying as h*ck, also I like lizards overall).

Now there's plenty of characters I like, dislike (or even hate) or am simply indifferent about but after all this is not a tier list but me talking about Adora, Catra and Catradora. Adora started off as this girl that was so sure what she was doing is right but once she was taught differently she was willing to leave everything she knew (except Catra, because she valued her despite everything) behind. And not only that, she broke out of the abuse cycle that Catra tried so hard to keep upright. And that is exactly what makes Adora such a good role model. She teaches children (or people) that:

Your past doesn't define what/who you are or what/who you can become

-> Adora used to be a Horde soldier and did not know where she came from, but nonetheless she found herself a family and became a hero that saved thousands of people

You can always change your mind and start a new life if you feel disappointed in what you are doing/who you are as a person

-> Basically the exact same point, Adora started a new life as she saw what the Horde really was and changed her mind about who to fight for

You deserve love too, be it platonic or romantic (or se*ual???) (If you're aro and/or ace just ignore the part that does not work for you)

-> While Adora for various reasons thought her only use was to please others and meet their needs and expectations (mostly due to Shadow Weaver and Catra) she learned to accept that she too deserves love and validation (if the love aspect would not have been focused on it being romantic love so she could smooch Catra in the finale this would've been a billion times better because she got love from her friends that showed her her real value)

You can walk away from something/someone, that does not make you egoistic/selfish

-> Adora walked away from the Horde, after Catra stubbornly refused to come with her despite many offers (basically Catra broke the promise, not Adora) from her too and that did not make her a "traitor" or "selfish", h*ck, Adora in the end did this for a bigger purpose too, even if part of it was her not wanting to live with such wrong morals

Your opinions, feelings etc. about a person/something can change and that is perfectly fine and valid, being able to change is part of what makes someone human

-> Adora's views on many things changed throughout the show: The Horde and the Rebellion, the First Ones, Catra, being She-Ra, herself, her priorities and so on ... she actually makes use of her brain, which is why Catra saying "Don't you ge it?" or calling her an idiot and dumb never sat right with me, she's a realistic character for shifting with her thoughts, feelings etc. and sometimes just does not fully think things through

You don't have to let other people treat you like sh*t (just because they have some issues they never worked through does not give them any right to let it out on you)

-> This point is obviously centered mostly around Catra and her abusing Adora almost every chance she gets, which is why Adora standing up for herself and not letting Catra blame her for her own decisions and mistakes is so important, "You made your choice, now live with it" is one of the most powerful lines throughout all the five Seasons

Now I'm sure there is still more to Adora's character than what I just listed and unfortunately almost all the points basically got pushed aside, well, Adora as a character got pushed aside in Season 5. All her growth, the things that made me love her, see her as great role model for so many people robbed of their value for the sake of making everything revolve around Catra. That brings me to her and how you are absolutely right that Catradora is harmful to both characters. Of course Adora is affected most by it in the end but Catra too is obviously suffering under the fandoms obsession and just the overall idea of them being romantically involved.

Just like with Adora the stans make almost everything about Catra over her relationship with Adora. She too can barely exist outside of it and if she wasn't the fan favorite she'd most likely would too be mostly in Fanarts that include Adora and not just her (if you google "Catra Fanart" most content is still Catra and Catra only but here and there Catradora still peaks through). But for whatever reason the fandom still views her more as her own person as the other ones? Catrouble and Scorptra Shippers might actually still get less hate than Glimmadora Shippers (I'm not denying they don't get any, they most certaintly do) which is just plain hypocricy and favorism. Kinda like the: A woman needs to be loyal to her husband and her husband only but if the husband wants to be active with other women that is perfectly fine because "that is just how men are" or how i like to call it ... sexism. Now in this case they are both women so it's not sexism but yo do get my point.

But much more importantly, Catra has an unhealthy obsession with Adora. Signs of that are for example:

Constantly talking about Adora, even when said person is not around (to Shadow Weaver, Scorpia etc.)

Obsessing over having control over Adora like in that one Episode "Are you kidding? I finally got control over Adora, I'm not giving that up!"

Building her entire character and her actions around Adora "We need to take Adora down", "Adora left me", "I'd rather see the whole world end than see you win!", also shown in Season 5 where she states she does save Glimmer only for Adora and not for Glimmer or to do the right thing

Getting aggressive or very emotional over Adora like clawing the wall, having nightmares etc. (destructive behavior towards herself and others)

Having no or barely any characteristics outside of her relationship with Adora like, we don't know her interests or likes and dislikes outside of being evil, obsessed with Adora, being abused by Shadow Weaver ...

Trying to force Adora to meet her needs and expectations regardless of Adora's owns

Sacrificing her oppurtunity to be happy in the Crimson Waste for the sake of her Adora obsession and being better than her at all costs

So yes, you were very right with saying that not putting Catra in a relationship with Adora would've benefited both characters. Catra could've learned to exist on her own, develop interests and a life outside of Adora. Learn to accept herself and eventually come to terms with her childhood abuse. She could've been free and not "the abusive cat girl that ended up with the person she unhealthily obsessed over to the point of no return" she kinda is now. Even if we ignore the whole "dating your long term abuser" part from Adora's side and "being rewarded" for horrible behavior, Catra alone is not giving a good example to people watching. As much as I dislike Catra, disdain her even, an ending where she is dependent on Adora, unable to stand on her own two legs after she led armies in war is not what I would wish for her, even with a decent redemption arc (that she did not get).

#anti catradora #anti c//a #anti catra #spop critical #response #my post #spop salt #ocd #role model #anti catra stans #anti catradora stans #comfort character #adora deserves better #honestly its worse once you know its not just bad for adora #anti+catra #anti+catradora

[the-energon-hole]

Can you please do a Drabble for Tfp Optimus and Knockout where the reader (a human S/o) has an episode of sleep paralysis (or a really bad nightmare) and goes to them for comfort? (If this is too much or if you don't want to write this you don't have to I would just love to see an imagine like this ) ^-^

((A/N - I have never experience sleep paralysis, but my older brother has, and I have to say it sounds like the most unpleasant thing in the world. I wrote about the nightmare since I can relate to it a little bit more, but if you have sleep paralysis I am so sorry and I hope you can at least get a decent amount of sleep out of your nights.

Also I made this kind of long as I got carried away writing it in the background as I was playing video games on the side, gotta do that multitasking yo!))

Optimus Prime

Everything felt so uncomfortably fuzzy and distant, you had to for some reason keep reassuring yourself that your conscious mind was real and that you existed on some kind of level of understanding- but as the haze began to grow to a very loud and distracting level, and the darkness began to consume your perceived consciousness that the only emotions your ever waking mind can begin to comprehend was utter primal fear.

What was going on?

Were you even real? Was this life even real?!

A loud and slightly obnoxious air swallowing gasp left your mouth as you felt your heavy and slightly sweaty and sticky body shoot up from your once comfortable position in your warm bed. You clutched at your chest as the once warm blanket fell from your shoulders as the cold night air hit you like a ton of sobering bricks, you can feel your heart pounding a mile a minute as your hands are also shaking uncontrollably while you try to get your breathing under some kind of control. Fear was the only thing your body wanted to comprehend at the moment, sheer panic and terror was all that you were feeling as you swung your head back and forth to scan your bedroom to see if someone or something that must have roused you from your much needed and wanted slumber.The room was just as dark and empty as you remembered leaving is as you laid down to sleep.

For some reason that thought left you feeling a little hollow and anxious on the inside as the darkness began to seep into you, you reached behind you to clutch your once forgotten pillow to your chest as an off attempt to give yourself a little comfort and ease.

What was it that scared you awake?

Obviously from what you can tell it was a bad dream, but you just can’t seem to recall the contents of said dream that caused your mind to race this way, and now that you were thinking about jt you can’t seem to understand why your brain is telling you that you are in danger so long as you are still sitting here. This has happened before to you, bad dreams are a fairly common occurrence for a lot of people, but normally you are able to recall what it was that made you so nervous and you can rectify these feelings by applying logic and reason to your mind to remind yourself that those anxieties are unfounded.

A brisk and chilling walk down the street will help you clear your intrusive thoughts maybe, it will at least ease your racing mind of the idea that you are in some kind of peril and need to evacuate the safety of your room hopefully.You threw on a light jacket that you had hanging on a chair in your room and you threw on some old and worn out sneakers, and as you made your way to the front door of the house you made sure to be very careful as to not disturb the other people that are potentially still asleep inside the house. You shut the door slowly and quietly with that small click assuring you that you succeeded in not disturbing anyone, and as you turned to begin your small walk down the empty and slightly chilly sidewalk it really hit you how cold the air was outside. It was always colder here at night since this was an arid and hot climate during the day, it always felt like you couldn’t bundle up enough to stave off the chill in the air when you want to spend some time outside at night.

You liked living here well enough but as your body shuttered when another gust was kicked up you wondered how expensive it would honestly be to move out to a tropical island where cold air just doesn’t exist. You would have to deal with a lot of grainy sand though and from what you have heard it’s crazy expensive to live in a state like California or to live off the coast of Virginia near the beach. It made your mind come to ease a little as you thought about all the amazing possibilities of travelling all over the states, it was always something that you wanted to do but you are unable to because everything was so damn expensive.

Maybe one day.

“What are you doing out so late?” You asked as you noticed Optimus Prime parked a few blocks from your house just off of a freeway entrance seemingly just trying to blend in with a few other parked semis.

“Observing human drivers and interactions at night, but more importantly, what is it that you are doing out so late at night and alone?”

A car suddenly zoomed by on the freeway making quite a loud noise as you felt your heart begin to race again, living out here in the middle of nowhere in a town that is only a pit stop for most that is a very common occurrence, people speed through the main interstate on their way to the big city of Las Vegas during all hours of the day whenever the highway patrol isn’t skulking about. That was city never slept, and honestly, you were starting to get that sinking feeling that you might never sleep again either as your body began to tell you to allow that pesky panic to set in once again. Optimus seemed to pick up on your shift in demeanor quickly from what should have been just a small interruption in an ongoing conversation, and he was able to connect the two points together in him processor as he saw your hands begin to shake a little at your sides as you stare blankly at the empty freeway.

He knew that you were always a little skittish and jumpy whenever you were alone, and he knew you liked to be up and about and active whenever you were feeling anxious and closed off. He silently opened his cab door to you as you all but too eagerly jumped into the promise of safety and serenity that was in his alt mode. He asked you again in a much softer and quieter tone what was wrong and why you were out so late alone, and you told him about your eerie and intrusive feelings that all stemmed from a simple nightmare- but you can’t remember what your bad dream was about, which was a little embarrassing as you were beginning to grow frustrated at your brain’s own interpretations of what you were supposed to be doing and how you were supposed to react.

Optimus understood what you meant though, and he will be here for you until you can fall asleep once again, he doesn’t have anywhere pressing to be so he will happy to sit and stay with you until you are calmed down enough to once again be able to drift off into a blissful slumber.

Knockout

You must have been very exhausted from the days never ending problems and events that just seems to throw themselves at you just to keep you on your toes, as you don’t really remember falling asleep on a cold and rather hard examination table that was located within the medical bay of the ship, at least you hoped it was in there because if it wasn’t it would just add to the suffocating anxiety in which you can feel begin to creep up on you that pretty much just all but forced you to jump up with a cruel and atrocious start- you can feel you body ache a little as your vision began to clear from all the moist and sticky tears that unceremoniously made your face appear to glicine in the harsh light of this room.

Why the heck were you crying?!

Come to think of it, why were you even awake to begin with?

No one was in the medbay as far as you could tell from your position on the table in the corner of the room, and the only noises to be heard around you was the quiet and kind of calming noise of the humming and buzzing of various machines running in the background of the room. It appears that there wasn’t any kind of physical disturbance to be had in the normally quiet and cool room, so there was no reason you should have been jostled awake so violently like you were just a few moments ago.

You clicked your tongue slightly frustrated that you couldn’t find a physical cause of your restlessness because that meant it was all in your mind and you had to cope with that fact, and as you sat up to stretch your body to shake off the stiffness you tried to take your mind off the ever impending anxiety and try to relax and come back into the present form it’s hazy and foggy place that was known as the dreary dream land of your unconscious mind. It was strange that you were alone in the almost always busy and bustling room, Knockout is normally hanging around during all hours of the day doing various important work on some projects or just simply jotting down some data for future references or use, and on the rare occasion Starscream was out and about around here just ranting and raving about how in his mind the state of the Decepticons have started declining again ever since Megatron was resurrected from his eternal slumber.

Funny, just it seems like you and the war mongering villain have so much more in common than you thought.

It made you always laugh about how Starscream kept trying to make alliances within the ranks, only to burn the bridge so badly that he can’t even keep a proverbial bridge open long enough to cross it and take advantage of the benefits that comes from having allies in low places. He tried to manipulate you once, but you just scoffed at his inability to learn from his past mistakes as you didn’t want to be a reason he was severliy punished again by Megatron, and declined his “overly kind and merciful attempt at keeping you alive”. He was pretty peeved about you turning him down, he didn’t outright threaten you, but when he said he wouldn’t feel bad if an accident were to happen to you well- it kind of gave you that gross and muggy feeling deep within the confines of your chest that you can’t fully describe.

Hmm, there was that anxiety again, what was going on in there brain?A loud clang reverberated through the room unexpectedly as something big and hard must have hit one of the metal walls in the room, you couldn’t help but let out a pitiful loud whine as you instinctively tucked yourself into a kind of fetal position as you were still trying to shake off that fuzzy feelings that came with just waking up from an unsuccessful nap.

“Woah! Relax there, it’s just me.”

Knockout. It was just Knockout that came slinking into your cview, he had a look of surprise as he wasn’t expecting you to be that fearful of him accidentally hitting the walls.

You let out a noise of discontent and frustration as the cherry red mech approached the table where you were once resting so nicely, he tutted back at you as he didn’t appreciate the attitude you were giving him in his own medbay because he made one accidental noise. You just rolled your eyes and stood up for the first time in a few hours as your body began to pop and creak as you stretched out your tight and stiff muscles. You stumbled as you tried to walk again as it was partly because your leg was asleep and partly because your body was forcing your heart to beat so quickly in your chest, which didn’t go unnoticed by a certain brightly colored medic, and man did you wish he would just mind his own business sometimes.

You loved and appreciate this companionship you had with him, but sometimes being around someone for a long time can be a little grating, especially when that someone can read you like an open book like Knockout can.“Hmmm, what’s wrong little grouchy pants?”

Ugh, you hated when he patronizes you.

No you didn’t, you really loved it.

You told him that your anxiety was getting to the point where you couldn’t sleep, and you were being plagued by these violent and intrusive thoughts that almost make you regret falling asleep in the first place, it was kind of hard to admit these kinds of things out loud as you always regret oversharing your emotions with people, but you knew Knockout would understand given he has shared similar experiences with you before.

He hummed with that sultry voice of his as he approached the table you were still standing on. You felt his clawed digits brush against your face and stroke through your hair in that loving way you sometimes craved for so much. He all but grabbed you off the table and took you around the lab to collect more data, and to play around with some of his experiments he has going on in the background of the bay. It was a nice distracted from your racing thoughts as you felt comfort in the arms of the mech you are growing ever closer to as the days went flying by.

(06/02/18)

#Transformers Prime #Optimus Prime #Knockout #Long Post #Drabble

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD. 

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.

#bootsie's advice column #collective #bootsie's adventures #Anonymous

[fibromyalgiais-blog]

hi!! i hope you don't mind this question, but i kind of want some advice? feel free to disregard, though!! i have had gradually increasing pain since i was 10. i used to be able to do 7-8 hours of continuous activity w/dog, but now 30m or even 15 is hard. i relate to a lot of the posts on here. i've seen people say they weren't diagnosed for years and after several doctors, i only tried one and believed them but i'm still so tired. 1/2

i don’t feel pain like normal people, at all. i can even turn it off or minimize it. i stabbed myself deep once on accident and only said ‘ow’ because it was involuntary, but the pain i feel throughout my body cuts through that?? like. i didn’t feel pain from stabbing, but i feel constant bone/muscle pain throughout my body?? i have bumps throughout my arm, do normal people have bumps? i know it’s a diagnostic test for fibrosis, but still, i feel fake?? like i’m abled but lazy. thank you!💜2/2

~

Hi! I don’t mind at all, so I’m glad you sent it in.

I have had similar experiences, and very much relate to a lot of the thing you are describing. I’ve had increasing pain since I was quite young, and used to be very active. As I grew older, the pain and symptoms grew and it became harder and harder to be active and do the things I used to. I have been burned really badly, or cut etc. and there have been many times where I did not even realize it has happened, or if I did, it barely registered, because the pain was easily covered up by my normal pain. I learned to push away and ignore the pain in order to survive when I was young, and so I often don’t realize the extent of the pain I am going through because my brain will minimize it. 

Now a days I have realized that I am always experiencing the pain - I just am not able to always access that awareness because I ignored/denied it to the point my brain tells me that it’s not there in order to cope with magnitude of it. That may not be the case for you, but that’s what it seems to be for me. 

My muscles are tense and knotted all the time which feel like bumps or masses under the skin, in the muscles.This is very common of people with chronic pain, especially those with fibromyalgia. I also have many cysts through out my body, and depending where they are you can actually feel them through/in the skin (depending on the type of cyst). Some of them are significantly painful, most are just as painful as my base pain level or surrounding area pain level (if that makes sense). I know that there are others with fibromyalgia that experience this as well, but I am not aware of all people with fibromyalgia having cysts, so it could be a comorbid disorder (something that frequently goes hand-in-hand with the condition).

I am not sure if either of those the type of bump you are referring to. I know that there are quite a few people with

Fibrosis is a distinct, separate symptom/condition, that is a hardening of tissue, and the type of fibrosis depends on what it is affecting (skin, liver, heart, lungs etc.). I’m not sure if you had meant to write fibrosis, or if you had intended to write fibromyalgia. I am not very familiar with fibrosis, so if that was indeed your question, I am unfortunately unable to help you there.

If you were referring to the pressure points used to diagnose fibromyalgia, there are 18 specific spots on the body that when pressed on a person with fibro, it causes them significant pain. To be diagnosed you need to have at least 11 out of the 18 present when examined by the doctor. 

As for feeling fake, I have touched on this before in other answers asks (tagged #am I faking? ) This is a very common concern for most people in this sort of situation. If you are experiencing these things, you are not faking it. End of story. I can’t say if you have fibro, but your experiences are real and valid - whatever might be causing them. Because of the stigma/ableist views our society hold, most people who have “invisible illnesses” like chronic pain/illnesses, mental illnesses, etc. have been made to feel like they must be faking because others can’t see what they are experiencing. And so it gets discredited or invalidated. 

Laziness is a word that gets used a lot to invalidate people who have disabilities. There is a huge difference between not doing something because you aren’t willing to (which is how laziness is defined), and not doing something because it’s not within your abilities/it will have a lasting negative effect. It is also important to point out that not having the motivation to do something (such as in depression where you might have used to like to go out, but you just don’t seem to be able to push yourself to do it no matter how you try), or finding something too overwhelming to do/start (such as with severe anxiety or executive dysfunction) are not the same as laziness, either. 

Most people I know with chronic illnesses are so far from lazy it’s almost funny, because of how much sheer work and willpower they put into just existing day-to-day with all the symptoms/things they go through.

I hope that I answered everything you were wondering about, and that it helps. Let me know if I missed/misunderstood anything, or shoot me a message if you have more question/want to talk. 

#answered asks #am I faking? #minimizing pain #bumps #fibromyalgia #stigma #ableism #laziness #chronic illness #chronic pain #disabled #long post #advice