#im feeling really shitty so !!!!!! good distraction for a couple of hours . take half hour at a time

[badnew2005]

st. peter clad in leather macdennis x 'gay bar' by rosie tucker

#the half second clip of the car hurdling towards the rest of the gang made me laugh so much sorreyyyyyyyy #also second verse i had no real plans just pick and choose #no real plans at all i just. was plagued. not even struck w specific visions just an overwhelming chant #iasip #macden #macdennis #video edit #god i hav forgotten how to tag . do i care enough. no #im feeling really shitty so !!!!!! good distraction for a couple of hours . take half hour at a time #i do think i prefer writing to music for properly expressing thoughts etc but …. silly little videos r fun

[yesimwriting]

Hi!!! I was wondering if you could do like a short story post or something I wonder how Our General Kirigan would react to a shy reader? Would he tease her? Be frustrated with her? And how would she react? Idk maybe just a thought 😅 I asked you because i really like your writing and I feel like you would really do a good job and I like the way you portray the General. 😊

a/n i have been crying/feeling shitty for the past two days for no reason!! so i thought it might make me feel better to try writing headcanons! i have SO MANY half done requests/fics but as of recently i hate everything that i write!! so i thought i'd work on this request that lends itself to headcanons

also im glad you like my writing :))

--

General Kirigan with a shy! reader headcanons:

- First things first, I think how he interacts with someone shy that he sees as a (potential) romantic interest varies per situation. Like generally, he finds the timidness kind of soft which is so different from what he's used to that he finds that aspect kind of endearing.

- He'd never admit that at the beginning, but the more time you spend with him the clearer it becomes to you because of how he acts when you're alone together

- At first, he'd hold onto his usual stoic disposition, but after realizing that at the end of the day your shyness is genuine and not an attempt to seem meek in order to trick people/him he'd begin to tease you about it when you two are alone.

- The first time he makes a comment that's just a little,, kinda-almost suggestive (a comment about how he wonders what it'd be like to be a Heartrender so that he could hear the change in your heartbeat every time you shied away from something) you're too confused to be embarrassed for like two seconds.

- You're basically that meme that's like did I hear that shit righttt??

- So you meet his gaze, and there's absolutely nothing but warm confidence there and you realize that he had in fact,,, said that.

- You hold his gaze for a moment out of protest (which is an incredible feat) and then you have to drop your eyes to the floor. You mumble some comment about how his ability to summon shadows isn't exactly a boring skill.

- Your reaction is so soft,, Kirigan can't help but be endeared even further. Something he wasn't exactly expecting and isn't too thrilled about. He doesn't think being shy makes you weak,, but he's extremely wary about how you're perceived and how people may treat you because of it.

- He doesn't doubt his ability to protect you, but he doesn't want to be distracted,, not with all he has to do.

- Still, he can't help mumble comments whenever there's a brief pause and you two are alone

- Meanwhile, you're starting to notice that now more situations keep coming up when you're left alone with Kirigan?? like he's always in the library when you are, he's always walking in to assess training when you're training and he just so happens to linger until you leave and then he just so happens needs to walk in the same hallway.

- It's a little strange at first,, but you're more horrified by the fact that you're not mad about it than the fact that it's happening. Especially since you know how much joy he gets from getting you flustered. You can see that in that slightly cocky uptilt to his lips whenever you're left gaping at him.

- Why doesn't it bother you?? You try to rationalize it and the only conclusion you can come to is the fact that he's attractive and powerful and even though your face gets hot whenever he talks to you,, there's appeal in those qualities. There's appeal in getting the infamous General to smile.

- Even if it costs you the bit of pride you have.

- You don't get why you're the one he seems to be going out of his way to speak to (maybe when your life is as stressful as his is,, at the end of the day you just want something easy and if he's in the mood to be flirty, you're easy) but you're not mad. You just have to constantly remind yourself to not be foolish enough to think you're the only one he goes out of his way to talk to.

- And as time progresses, you get a little more comfortable with his banter. You stop shying away completely,, which only encourages him to get bolder with his comments.

- Nothing insane,, not yet, just a little more direct.

- It kind of becomes a little game to him,, to see how flustered he can get you with the minimal amount of effort. Every once in awhile, you manage to act normally, but he's quick to shut that down by upping his game just slightly.

- After awhile, it starts to become a game for you too, to see how much of your instincts you can suppress just to take away some of his satisfaction. Only when he's getting a little too smug.

- But that's when y'all are alone...

- When you're surrounded by others, sometimes it feels like you don't even exist to each other. Sometimes that's a lonely feeling for both of you, but each of you is convinced that they're the only one that feels the absence.

- In your defense, you're much more entitled to those feelings because he can literally do whatever he wants. You can't just walk up to the General and do what?? ask him why he hasn't made any suggestive comment in the last couple of hours??

- please that embarrassing!! even if you weren't shy, that would be out of POCKET

- Meanwhile Kirigan is just like being angsty and debating the implications of seeking you out in an environment with so many important people. He could probably manage a minute or two by your side without making anyone suspicious, but the danger in that is that he won't be able to bring himself to leave after those minutes pass him.

- Worse,, he may even find an excuse for both of you to step out into the hall so that he can make his comments and take in your reactions in private.

- It's especially difficult when you have that one strand of hair just slightly out of place,, presenting the perfect excuse for him to just fix it and then drop his hand slowly so that his fingertips can brush the side of your cheek.

- And you're growing tired of the crowds of people you're not comfortable with and you're starting to feel more and more stupid for letting something that was so clearly just a playful distraction mean anything to you.

- But before either of you can succumb to your angsty pinning (cough, cough,, simps) his eyes will find yours from across the room and that's EVERYTHING

- At first, you want to be stiff and look away because it's probably not intentional, but then he gives you that little smirk. And then you feel stupid for ever doubting that you two at least have some kind of friendship. (maybe more,, but you're too scared to let yourself think that,, ;))

- And then you give him this shy smile,, and that's it. He's done--that one look undoes him entirely.

- So he starts shifting towards you as casually as possible, because if he can't be with you right now, surely being near you is good enough for now.

- You're unaware of this,, and when the moment ends you find yourself longing for more, but relatively satisfied. You don't expect anything from him, he's important and you're you.

- And being around people drains you because you genuinely want to stay out of any situation that would have too much attention on you at once. So once Kirigan moves and you can't find him in the crowd, you decide now is as good a time as any to step out and get some air, especially since no one currently needs you for anything.

- So you disappear into the corridor, planning to be gone only for a few minutes. But the second you're about two steps into the hallway, you hear another's footsteps.

- The hopeful part of you is like 'maybe it's him!!' but you don't really think that. There's something about the atmosphere that feels too tense,, too wrong for you to believe it's him.

- A moment later, your suspicions are confirmed. A grisha known for his impulsiveness is calling out to you, asking you where you're going.

- You explain that you just wanted to get some air and that you'd be returning in a minute. You try to sound dismissive, clearly establishing that you'd like your minute to yourself.

- It's clear that he understands the hint, but he doesn't move. He just keeps asking you questions.

- Your answers get shorter and shorter, the nerves your feeling tensing with each word as he begins to venture from falsely casual conversation to more flirtatious words. Being shy can leave you speaking too much, spluttering out words in hopes of saying the right thing to let you escape, but this is a different type of nervousness. Something feels wrong.

- And he just keeps saying things, things that even Kirigan wouldn't be able to get away with.

- All the while, you're desperate to escape, but they're persistent.

- And just when you're losing hope, and his advances get so bold he has you literally backed into a corner--a familiar voice comes to you like a lifeline.

- Kirigan, with all the authority of the general, questions what's going on. The guy that was so relentlessly hitting on you moves back like suddenly you're fire and begins to back away. He tries to explain himself but Kirigan is not having it.

- As soon as the stranger leaves, you feel like you can breathe again, but your nerves are still on edge. Kirigan's looking at you in a way you've never seen before. Sharp and almost--almost angry?

- You try to mumble a quick thanks, intending to disappear back to where you're supposed to be, but Kirigan's gaze keeps you planted against the wall.

- His gaze is so intense you ask him if he's alright.

- The question cracks something in him because of course you'd ask him if he's okay after something happened to you. His expression softens slightly, which you think is a good thing but then he speaks,, and his voice is not calm at all

- He's mad at the person that did that and the irrational part of him makes it seem like he's a little mad at you for letting that situation happen, but it's only because he's worried about what would have happened if he hadn't gotten there in time.

- And you're kind of confused because like?? what does he want from you? you made it clear you were uncomfortable and you were trying to get away?

- But after a quick snap and the fact that you're okay settles in,, he does feel a little bad. So he comes close to apologizing,, but that's basically just him saying he's glad that you're okay.

- You don't really ease, so he decides to make a partial joke about how maybe he needs to be around you more,, just to be safe,, you know

- And you smile slightly, and you're like 'y'know i'm not completely helpless.'

- and he's like 'pity,, i would've liked the excuse'

- your face instantly feels extremely warm and you're not sure what you could even, plausibly say to that. But you can't let him have the last word,, not like that. So you're overcompensating, rambling, but then at the end...you say something about how he doesn't really need an excuse to stay near you.

- When you realize what you've said, fight or flight kicks in,, but you can't move. And there's no casual way to escape, so you decide that maybe you'll cut your losses for today because that might have been your most significant reply to him ever, and you feel like an idiot because he was probably joking. And you just had to say that and make it weird.

- So you allow exactly one second of unfortunate silence, your eyes glued to the ground. And then you make some excuse about needing to get back to where you were.

- But Kirigan stops you, and you think about how you can't avoid looking him in the eyes forever, so you just kind of barely dare to glance upwards.

- And he's smiling broader than usual, the look is so warm it melts away all the bad feelings from earlier. You have absolutely no idea what it means, but you know it's not...bad.

- And then he shifts slightly, and that's when you realize he's never been this close before.

- He then asks if you're sure, voice much lower than earlier.

- You can't speak,, too trapped on a line you don't understand.

- But as he leans forward, the only answer he needs is the instinctual part of your lips as his warm breath reaches your cheek.

- And with that he turns his head just a fraction of an inch,, and his lips meet yours.

- It's just a quick brush of lips,, a soft test. And when you don't protest, he moves to let the contact be a little more assured, yet still teasing.

- Something in you grows impatient, and you move a little in hopes that he'll take the hint.

- But that's all it takes for him to pull away, expression bright and teasing before playfully chiding you for being so eager.

- He then turns, leaving you more flustered than ever.

#request #the darkling #the darkling x reader #the darkling x you #aleksander morovoza #general kirigan #general kirigan x reader #aleksander morovoza x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone x you #netflix shadow and bone #sab #sab imagine

[phykios]

honesty and promise me, co-written with @darkmagyk [read on ao3]

“I’m in love,” Piper tells her when she shows up for another fitting. “Have you seen the new Beyonce video?”

“I heard the song.” Annabeth says, “isn’t that enough?”

“God, your whole play-acting thing is too far if you’re pretending to not like Beyonce.”

“I never said that.” Annabeth holds up her hands, “I like the song. But I did not see the video.”

“Well, when you see it, you’ll be in love too, but I will fight you.”

Piper could be scrappy in a fight. But Annabeth had been a champion fencer in high school.

“Kidding!” Piper says at her look. “There’s plenty of them to go around.” She didn’t even start to drape fabric over Annabeth, pushing her onto a muslin covered couch, and then pulling the video on the TV. She didn’t have one of those voice control devices. Because she was friends with Leo, and he was pretty firm on them being evil. “But I do call dibs on the main guy. The CALVES. The thighs. He’s unreal.”

“That good?” Piper went all ways, though as of late she gravitated towards women more often than not, so this was some high praise indeed. 

“Unreal, I am telling you. Like, the hand of God came down and sculpted him personally out of marble.”

Already in her recent watch history, the thumbnail of the video greets them, the song title splashed across the TV screen, weaving between  a very, very familiar set of legs. 

Like, intimately familiar. 

In something of detached horror, she watches the camera pan up, lovingly lingering on every inch of bare skin, following the muscles of his calves (which were unreal) to his knees then his thighs (which Annabeth had spent almost too much time between now), up his torso and his chest (which she knew made for an excellent pillow) to Percy’s face, set in a firm, hard stare. 

And that fucking blue lipstick again. 

She can’t even focus on Beyonce herself, too distracted by the way her hand traces the length of Percy’s outstretched thigh held in perfect arabesque as she gracefully drapes herself over him, crooning softly into his ear.

Annabeth should do that next time. That’s her spot, after all. 

Tearing her eyes away from the screen even as Piper watches, enraptured, she slips out her phone, sending a quick, furious text. 

annabeth: BEYONCE???????

A minute, then he responds. 

percy: oh lol i didn’t realize that came out today 😁

percy: what’d you think?

annabeth: i think im going to kill you later

“Just look at him,” Piper says, pausing on Percy’s form, his arms outstretched, fingers placed delicately around a bar. “I mean--look at him!”

“Yeah,” she chuckles, maybe a little uneasy. “He’s alright I guess.”

Incredulous, Piper swivels her head. “Alright? Alright? Do you need your eyes checked?”

She just shrugs. 

Why is she being so weird about this? It’s just Piper. She’s trained to find symmetry and beauty in bodies. They’ve happily shared crushes and fixations plenty of times before, so why is Annabeth being so weird about Percy? It’s not like they’re… you know… dating or anything. Just hooking up a bit. 

Piper squints at her, then shrugs herself. “Fine. I don’t have time to get an answer out of you anyway. Come on.”

“Speaking of time,” Annabeth says, following Piper back into the kitchen studio, “I have to head out by 6:30.”

“Oh yeah?” Piper’s head is buried in her belt box, searching for the perfect accent. “What for?”

“I’ve got a show to catch.”

“Kind of early,” she says, pulling out something thin and silver. “Don’t you usually meet Thalia at the ass crack of midnight?”

“Well I kind of want to eat first.”

“Okay.” She cinches the belt around her waist, tight. “Then you’re going to have to help me with this skirt.”

***

Hands aching from hours of macrame, Annabeth walks up to the box office window at the Koch Theater at 7:46, having a handful of second thoughts. 

Old, uppity white couples keep shooting her some particularly intense passive aggressive glares, some of them even venturing into actually aggressive territory, which usually wouldn’t even register on her very short list of things to care about, except that she is feeling woefully out of place. The lady in front of her has ten pounds of diamonds hanging off of each old, wrinkly ear, and the best Annabeth could do was fish out her least-ripped pair of jeans, pairing it with one of her nicer black shirts, the sleeves long enough to cover most of her tattoos. The macrame kept her longer than she had meant, so she didn’t have time to change before dinner, but fuck it, right?

She did also take out most of her face jewelry on the way. But she left the nose stud, obviously. And the tongue piercing. And the industrial, because Percy really likes those, so she doesn’t feel that bad about it. And he hadn’t even told her about this until after she had already given herself the half-undercut, so it’s not like she could do anything about that either.

“Can I help you?” At least this box office worker isn’t giving her the stink-eye. 

“I’m here to pick up a ticket? Should be under ‘Jackson.’” He’d offered to leave it under her name, but this was safer. She doesn’t think her mom is a big ballet person, but she isn’t about to risk it, either.

She slides the ticket towards Annabeth beneath the glass plane. “Enjoy the show,” she says, with a quirk of her mouth that is surprisingly sincere for someone in customer service. 

She’s pretty sure she’d enjoy the show more if she weren’t panicking thinking about getting dirt on their fancy carpets. Her boots are clean, of course, and she doesn’t really care, but she doesn’t want to, like, embarrass Percy or whatever. She’d asked him if she should dress up, but he’d assured her otherwise. “No one’s going to care, I promise,” he’d told her the night before, her lounging in his bed while he did some pushups. “And if anyone says something, let me know and we can kick their ass after the show together.”

“Great. Guess I don’t have to break out the Chanel, then.”

He’d paused, frowned, then huffed a laugh, shaking his head. Like the idea of Annabeth wearing Chanel was hilarious. Like what she’s wearing tonight really is the best that she can do.

Self-consciousness isn’t really a feeling that Annabeth has anymore. She’s spent so many years chafing against expectations, shucking them off when she inevitably failed to meet them, desperate for a place, a crowd where she could just be. In her scene, she doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, and when Percy is out with her, he doesn’t need any convincing. He likes her. He likes her a lot, she thinks. He likes her enough to let himself be dragged out to every shitty dive bar and shittier rock show in New York City, laughing and cheering and holding her close the whole time. He likes her enough to cart her to his apartment at 4 AM, inevitably waking Nico up from his undead slumber, and leave her with nothing but a glass of water and a kiss on the forehead. And she likes him, too--a lot. Annabeth likes Percy enough to ditch her band t-shirts for a night and track mud on the carpet of the Koch Theater and willingly sit through a performance of fucking Swan goddamn Lake of all things, and it’s only a little scary how much she is willing to do for him after only a few months of fucking him. Because this really isn’t her scene, not anymore. 

The weight of everyone’s stares bears down on her, threatening to crush her beneath them, a feeling she was so sure she’d left behind. 

At least Percy had been thoughtful enough to get her a ticket out of the way in the back of one of the balcony sections. It’s a bit of a hike, but the audience members aren’t dressed quite as nicely as the ones downstairs, and she feels like she can breathe a little easier.

She pulls out her phone, checking her text messages on instinct. There’s a selfie from Percy in his stage makeup (and she’s not going to lie… he looks fucking pretty), with his standard accompanying three blue heart emojis. She can’t help it, her heart skips a beat and she can’t help but smile, even as she rolls her eyes. She’s just about to send him something appropriately sarcastic when another text notification slides in. It’s from her father. 

Hi Annabeth… I was talking to a friend in Boston who said he's looking for a new 

prospective in his architecture firm. Passed your information along. 

Love you, dear

She swipes it away. Deletes the whole text conversation, for good measure. 

Forget about him. This night is about Percy.

A few minutes later, so engrossed in Percy’s program bio (it’s about all she can focus on right now), she doesn’t even notice everyone around her leaning forward in breathless anticipation, until the warm, honey-like sound of the oboe draws her head up. 

Roughly two minutes in, she’s really wishing she had attempted the synopsis. The extent of her knowledge of Swan Lake is a few half-remembered orchestra rehearsals in her teens and reading the Wikipedia article on that Natalie Portman movie a few months ago, and she definitely doesn’t recall there being anything about any Men-in-Tights looking motherfuckers prancing around. They’re sort of bobbing, back and forth, elegantly stepping from one side of the stage to another. Even from back here, she can see the delicate, precise placement of their hands, fingers curved just so, moving through space as though they aren’t bound by the laws of physics.

The fingers, she remembers. She could never get the hang of the fingers. Her old ballet teacher had given up on them after a week, and that had been the beginning of the end for that particular extracurricular. 

Now her fingers tap on her jeans, impatient, far faster than the easy going music on stage. She’s just about to give in to the millennial instinct and pull out her phone, maybe play a round of sudoku, when the dancers motion as one to the back corner, and Percy comes stepping out. His hair is perfectly slicked back, gelled down, any hint of curl beaten into submission, and his smile is small, but white, gleaming against the tanned brown of his skin. She can’t help but smile back, like he could somehow see her. Finally, she thinks, relaxing a little more into her seat. Something to watch.

On his off days, her off days, any day when she would spent the night at his (always at his, never at hers) and wake up wrapped in his comforter and the smell of seawater, she would take the blanket with her and steal into his living room, curl up on his couch with her feet tucked under her legs, and watch him dance. She’s seen him drill these sequences over, and over, and over again, counting furious sequences of sixes and eights beneath his breath in duet with the thuds of his feet on his floor. Most times he would notice her and shoot her a grin, granting her permission to observe the artist at work. Sometimes, though, he would be so caught up in his body, the shifting of his feet and the music in his head, that it was like he couldn’t see her at all. Seemingly alone, he would dance, uninhibited, and she would be struck by a feeling that she usually reserves for specific monuments. Watching Percy dance in his apartment, in his brown tights and black tank top, lost in his own world, is like looking at pictures of the Gateway Arch, or the Hoover Dam, or the Parthenon.

She searches for that feeling now, leaning forward in her seat, eyes hungrily raving his form, but she just doesn’t see it. It’s… honestly, it’s a little boring. She won’t lie. He had warned her it would be something of a slow start, but this isn’t exactly an ADHD friendly medium, and she is losing her patience, just a bit. He’s so reserved, like he’s holding something close to his chest, impersonal as he takes the hands of the female dancers and lets them twirl around him. 

Personally, Annabeth thinks that he looks kind of lost. Maybe he’s just nervous--it’s a big role and he’s a young guy. But he had seemed fine when he’d kissed her goodbye just after lunch. 

The court jester is killing it though. Feeling just the slightest bit guilty, she lets her eyes drift over to him, deciding to watch him for a while instead.

On some level, she does appreciate the skill on display here. Percy can raise his back leg in a perfect ninety degree angle that would make her architecture professors sweat. The girls drift back and forth across the stage on the tips of their toes, weightless and ethereal. It’s mesmerizing, and she lets herself be mesmerized.

Time must slip away from her, because she blinks and all of a sudden the stage has gone from sunny yellow to cool blue, the crowds of dancers having vanished. He is alone on stage. Percy kneels in a deep lunge that makes her thighs ache just looking at him (and for… other reasons), his arms and his attention pointed to the wings, with a… Annabeth squints. When the hell did he get a crossbow?

But everything is swept to the sides when the White Swan tiptoes her way on stage, impossibly graceful, and all of a sudden, Annabeth gets it. 

It feels a little cliche to say, but the way that woman moves on the floor really does remind her of those old, vintage jewelry boxes, suspended in animation, moved by some otherworldly force. It’s amazing. It’s a little terrifying. Sublime is the word that comes to mind as Annabeth watches her. Her arms move with fluidity, perfect curves, her fingers trailing behind her like wings. 

And Percy is just as mesmerized as Annabeth is. As the audience is. 

A few things hit her, in rapid succession. First, that Percy is, actually, a really good actor. His reticence before--he’d been playing a character. He’d been playing aloof and reserved and unmoored, because Percy--Siegfried--whatever--has been waiting his whole life for something to fulfill him, until this singular moment, the moment he laid eyes on this beautiful creature. Second, that she doesn’t need words to understand what’s going on. It’s all there, in every look and gesture and step, as the two characters circle each other, slowly but irrevocably falling in love. And third, that she recognizes the look on his face. It’s the look that Percy gives her when she has been talking for too long and he can’t get a word in edgewise, or when she screams along to the god awful underground bands, three beers in and missing every single fuck she’d ever had, or when she wakes up after him to Percy’s arms around her waist, her hair in his mouth and her head resting against his collarbone. She recognizes it, because that’s the look that Siegfried has for Odette. Because that’s the look that Percy has for Annabeth. Because he loves her.

And fourth, that that doesn’t make her as happy as she wishes it would. 

There’s a cold pit in her stomach for the rest of the show, a turning screw that twists in deeper, minute by minute, with every turn of the dancers. She wastes the next hour trying to puzzle this out, not even pretending to watch the drama unfolding on stage, because it makes no goddamn sense. (Her situation, not the ballet--she managed to skim the synopsis during intermission, her foot tapping incessantly against the blessedly empty seat in front of her.) Things are great between them. It’s been a heady, intoxicating four months, full of bubbles and butterflies, sweet, soft mornings, and some really, really phenomenal sex. This should make her happy. This should put her over the fucking moon, and she cannot, for the life of her, figure out why it doesn’t.

The prima ballerina comes back out as the Black Swan, just as poised and precise as her counterpart, but she’s a great actress as well, because there is something undeniably different about her. Her arms move like rubber, like joints are just an afterthought, wrapping themselves around Percy’s neck and shoulders. She misdirects his attention, drawing his eyes to her wrists, her clavicle, the curve of a leg or the point of her toe. Seducing him. Tricking him. 

Like Annabeth. 

Because try as she might to run from it, Annabeth isn’t who she says she is. She wants so desperately to be this fuck-the-rules, fight-the-power, punk rock princess that she took every part of her that didn’t fit that image and tried to rip it out of her, bloody and struggling. Her trust fund, her two (two!) Harvard degrees, her enriched childhood and her bright and shining future; she took it all out back and shot it, and prayed that would be the end of it. She’s a phony, just like that goddamn Black Swan. Percy is in love with a phony. 

Her sweet, wonderful, devastatingly kind and handsome Percy--she tricked him and made him fall in love with a mishmash of archetypes and aesthetics, distracting him with nose piercings and ripped t-shirts and ugly, deafening noise. 

She’s not surprised that she’s crying when the curtain falls. She’d never known that Siegfried and Odette both died at the end. 

When the cast reunites for curtain call, Percy is given a standing ovation, and Annabeth enthusiastically joins in, wiping the tears from her eyes, smearing her makeup. 

She doesn’t wait for him at the stage door, but sits on the steps of the theater, plucking at her sleeves, aching for a drink and wishing she had had the presence of mind to wear something a little nicer. Percy finds her there almost an hour after the show ended. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

In the dark of night, illuminated only by streetlamps, she can’t read his face--but she can read exhaustion, in every part of his body. “I was waiting for you by the stage door.”

Something in her stomach goes cold. “I… wasn’t sure if I was allowed,” she offers, weakly. 

He smiles, a light in the dark. “Of course you’re allowed,” he says, offering her a hand. “Shall we?”

She knows what will happen next. She’ll take his hand, and they’ll walk to the subway together, fingers intertwined. They’ll get on the 1 train headed north, and Percy will let her rest her head against him, tilting his head back against the window, eyes closed, almost asleep. The doorman will nod at them as they walk up to Nico’s apartment, barely batting an eye at his sweats and her ripped jeans, the two of them sticking out like a sore thumb in a sea of impeccably dressed rich New Yorkers. Nico will wave at them distractedly from his office, gulping down his sixth coffee of the night, and they’ll tiptoe into his room, falling asleep in each other’s arms with little more than a good night kiss. 

Which, of course, is exactly what does end up happening.

Almost. 

Annabeth crawls on top of him in his bed, kissing him soft and senseless. She doesn’t know where he’s getting this energy from, but she is not complaining as he slips up inside of her, the two of them rocking each other gently to orgasm, their foreheads pressed together. Shuddering as he comes, he captures her mouth in another kiss, pouring every ounce of love he has in him into her.

A waste, honestly. 

But as far as goodbye sex, it’s pretty damn great. 

She needs to end this, before either of them get hurt. It’s the least of what he deserves, after all. To put yourself out there, to offer yourself up like that, that might be the bravest thing Annabeth’s ever heard of, and surely, Annabeth can find the courage to do what needs to be done.

#whomp whomp!! #ballet au #pjo fic #my fic #percabeth #the rivalry ends here #darkmagyk #perseannabeth

[musingmycelium]

sweet song

satinalia exchange gift for a good friend ;) im so glad i got to write this for you!! ❤❤❤

Krem's lucky he has good balance. With the way the chair wobbles under him as he tries, mostly unsuccessfully, to peer around the stairs to watch Maryden sing he needs to have it. And he can’t help but look. The firelight almost causes her skin to glow rosy gold, catches in her dark hair and the way her eyes shine as she sings, it's enough to-

Wood creaks under him as Krem all but topples backward off the top of the chair. Catching himself with a hand in the last moment, wrist aching as his hand connects with the wall at an awkward angle, and he can hear Bull’s laugh across the room. Bastard.

It isn’t like Bull hasn’t made a fool of himself in front of people before. Although Krem guesses those are more on purpose than not. He sighs, rights the chair and sits back down in it, properly this time. He can’t see her anymore, but if he’s telling the truth he doesn’t really need to. The sight of her before the fire is, distracting and definitely something he thinks about often. Not that Krem has done anything about the way her voice filling the tavern makes his chest feel too tight and too light, or said anything about how her smiles can cause a blush to cover his whole body.

Not yet, anyway. Krem has a plan, and he means to follow through with it. He just… Has to figure out how. Time’s running quite short, tonight there’s going to be a small Satinalia party at the Herald’s Rest and Krem still doesn’t know what he should get Maryden, or even if she’d accept anything from him.

At first, he thought it would be easy. She’s a minstrel, get her a journal or a new set of strings for her lute. But those sounded empty and Krem wants to be thoughtful damn it. He wants to see Maryden blush, he wants to make her smile, he wants to see the softness in her eyes generally reserved for those times she’s singing to be directed just at him.

So he sighs. And he walks over to where Bull is sitting at a table with what has to be the Rest’s largest tankard sitting in front of him. And as Krem rounds the corner he finds Dorian is sitting there as well, great. “Krem-puff! Finally decided to find a decent chair did you?”

“My chair is already decent, I’ve got a question.” There’s a nervousness gnawing in the pit of his stomach and Krem doesn’t care for it one bit. But he takes Bull’s raised eyebrow for a go ahead and strangles the butterflies in his gut. “Uh, so. The Satinalia party, tonight.” His tongue is twisting around itself and Krem thinks maybe he should just go outside and pretend he never heard of this party instead of asking Bull for romance advice. “I, uh, wanted to -you know- get a present, a thoughtful present but... I, uh, don’t actually know what to get… Her…”

Raising his own, much smaller glass Dorian gives Krem a verifiable look. One elegant eyebrow raised ever so slightly, glass tipped in Krem's direction, red wine nearly spilling but not quite. “Thoughtful presents generally require more than an afternoon’s work.”

“I didn’t ask you Altus.” Krem gives him a look back.

Bull just nods, as if he was almost expecting this of them and Krem narrows his eyes at him too. “Listen Chief I didn’t come over here for bullshit I w-”

He’s cut off with a laugh, Bull shaking his head slightly. “Nah no bullshit, this is important.” At least he looks like he’s going to be serious, with the way his face scrunches up. “Well, Krem-sickle, the first thing about getting someone a gift is you gotta know what they want. Don’t look at me like that- so you know she likes writing and singing since you watch her do that every day. Do you know, anything else about her?”

Krem opens his mouth to say ‘of course he does’ and then shuts it after he can’t think of a single other thing he knows she enjoys. His brows bunch together and he crinkles his nose. Bull watches him think in silence, a smirk forming on his face. “I know she likes writing and singing, it’s not like there’s much else to do here is there. I thought, maybe she’d like a new journal?” Saying it out loud makes him cringe. It’s so insincere, careless almost. “That sounds stupid, doesn’t it. But I don’t know what else to do.”

Bull keeps nodding and Krem’s stomach is in knots. “She’d appreciate it, new journal new quill, something to use.”

Before he can keep going Dorian interrupts with a snort. “Get her something no one else can.” A delicate sip of his wine, eyes looking over the rim at Krem. “Woo her, you’re a sharp young man surely you can think of something. Read her poetry, pick her flowers, write her something. Creative types drink it up.”

If his knee-jerk reaction is anything to go by this is a horrible idea. Everything from his hair to his toes is going numb at the thought of it. Him? Writing poetry? Picking flowers? Krem almost tells Dorian he’d rather run himself through with a rusty training sword but then he stops to think about it. It was what he wanted to do, wasn’t it? Put thought into a gift Maryden would remember and hopefully enjoy.

And if he makes a fool of himself maybe he could recover from that.

Or maybe he could also fake his death and make a new start in Antiva.

“That’s. Not bad Altus, not bad.” Never let it be said Krem was too proud to give credit where it’s due. Even if it does curdle the words in his mouth. He has a couple of hours, it wouldn’t take him too long to do something like that, would it? Better get started now just in case, Krem leaves the table with a nod in the direction of the other two still sitting there.

The party starts at sundown, Krem heads to his room and hunts down some paper and a quill. If he’s quick he might even be able to get there before the others and give it to her without anyone else seeing. And he’ll be quick, even with his stomach trying to turn itself inside out, Krem can do this!

He absolutely could not do this. Crumpled paper is scattered about his room, in various states of tatter, and a near-empty bottle of ink rests near his elbow. This is hopeless, Maryden does this for a living she wouldn’t want whatever half-assed shitty poem he could cobble together like a child. What an idiot he is, sitting here with ink stains on his hands, he’s a mercenary what in Andraste’s name is he doing trying to write poetry ?

Krem groans, wads up the paper he was currently using and throws it backward behind him, not wanting to look at the ugly chicken scratches and horribly clunky phrasing any longer. Drops his head onto the desk, hard wood against his skin. All he wanted was a simple present! How did he manage to muck it up so badly?

There’s a cool breeze coming from the direction of the door and Krem turns sharply towards it, not wanting anyone to see the mess he’s made. But there isn’t anyone there. Krem huffs, relieved and embarrassed and definitely probably almost late for the party. He stands, stretches, maybe he just shouldn’t get Maryden anything after all. She could do better than him anyway.

A ghost of a thought across his mind, ‘but she wants you’ . Krem rolls his eyes, he’s been daydreaming too much lately. Been thinking about the firelight in Maryden’s hair and on her skin too much. Thinking how the way her eyes sometimes catch his and a smile grows on her lips. He sighs again, he really is in too deep.

Distracted by her enough it takes Krem an embarrassingly long time to notice there is a freshly picked amaryllis, blood red and shining. Narrowing his eyes at the flower he gingerly walks over and picks it up by the stem. He definitely did not pick it, but he can’t think of who would, or why. But he thinks of Maryden in the tavern, of the way she would be readying her lute in front of the fire, and of the party about to start. And he thinks of the smile she would give, just for him, if he gave her a winter-blooming flower.

Leaves with it held in front of him, butterflies returning to his stomach in full force. Walks down to the Herald’s Rest anyways, enters to the sound of laughter and flutes. Not Maryden’s music, too fast and too untrained, Krem looks around to see if he can find her, amaryllis moving behind his back.

Finds her standing just off next to the fire, lute in hand, where she’s in just enough shadow to be overlooked for now. Perfect. Quietly, Krem makes his way across the tavern and with his chest about to burst he tries to clear his throat softly. “Maryden?”

She looks up, eyes wide and dark in the flickering firelight. “Krem? Are you here to make a request, I’m not playing ye-”

“Oh! No, I, um, I’m here to- I mean I came over-” Tripping over himself, making an absolute fool of himself. “I just, sorry let me start over.” Krem takes a deep breath, pulls the amaryllis out from behind him held delicately by ink-stained fingers. “I want to give you this, I had- Um, I tried to write you a poem but, turns out I’m not as good at it as you are.”

Maryden smiles and its better than anything Krem has ever been able to imagine. All at once each of the butterflies in his stomach take flight, leaving him breathless and light. Heart hammering in his chest, a slight blush rising in Maryden’s cheeks. “How sweet of you.”

Her fingers brush against his as she takes the flower from his slack grip. Holds it up to her nose and takes a deep breath, her eyes falling shut only to open a moment later and connect with Krem’s. The warmth in them, brown turned honey-gold by the fire, causes his heart to flip in his chest.

“You know, in Ferelden we have our own Satinalia flowers.” A smile with a hint of teeth, “And if you look up, we happen to be standing under one of my favorites.”

Of course Krem looks up. Spots the sprig of green leaves and white berries tied together with a red bow, one of many hanging from the rafters.

“Mistletoe.” Maryden’s soft fingers against his chest starling and new, Krem jerking his gaze back down to face her. “Do you know what happens when people stand under mistletoe Krem?”

Her fingers against his neck now, curling around the back to pull his head down. Krem gulps, hard. Heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, heat across his whole face. “They kiss.”

Maryden smiles and tilts her head so her lips are ghosting over Krem’s. “That’s right, they kiss.”

Soft lips tasting of cider, of warm firelight and music. Krem gasps, air leaving his lungs in a heady rush. Time freezing, halting around them as Maryden presses her lips against his under the mistletoe with a flower stained with ink held in her hands between them. Heart bursting in his chest, butterflies fleeing to his veins and the whole of him feels like he could fly.

Moments passing too quickly when Maryden pulls back slightly, “Happy Satinalia Krem,” Murmured against kissed lips, half-lidded eyes and a smile brighter than any hearth.

“Happy Satinalia Maryden.”

"When the party is over you absolutely have to read me your poems."

What fool Krem is indeed.

#dragon age #dai #krem x maryden #krem #maryden #my writing #this is was so fun and sweet and im so stinking happy i got to write it

[lostandbrokenshell]

The little moments Part 1

No warnings, Serenity ‘Ren’ x John Seed. This takes place outside of Hope County but with in the cult time period pre Joseph attempted arrest. Two parter first one is smuttless, part two will be smuttfull I promise!

Ren sat at the bar drinking her water quietly, she got the feeling she was better off, new job, new town, new beginning. She didn’t understand why he was so upset, he knew she was going in for the interview. He knew if she passed the interview she would get hired and get a posting somewhere. She motioned to the bartender. “Whiskey neat please.” There was all kinds of business men and couples around, the bar and restaurant was a high end kind of place. Of all the places to plan a breakup why here? Why not a coffee shop. Probably so she could have a drink after, he knew her well enough for that she thought.

“If you ask me, he was a bit of a dick.” The bartender winked at her as he put her whiskey down. “You nailed the interview and got the job! You did good be proud! Celebrate without him, celebrate because you got a new start! Dont look back honey.” The bartender has been nice and patient with her, most bartenders wont let someone sip water for a few hours at the bar. Or listen to someone ramble who hasn’t even paid for a drink yet. He gave her a big smile and hand squeeze before going to help another customer.

Ren downed half her drink in one gulp and sat there thinking. She was better off without him, fuck him. “Drinking your troubles, or are your troubles drinking you?” Ren jumped slightly startled. “Sorry didn’t mean to scare you, im John.” He flashed a smile.

“Um both, and im Serenity or Ren as some people call me, sorry just wasn’t expecting anyone to talk to me.” She flashed a quick smile back.

He leaned against the bar holding her gaze, Ren got ths impresion he was reading her. “Well Serenity, if its both might i offer you a distraction? I have an art gallery to visit it belongs to an old friend of mine, would you like to join me? That is unless your waiting for someone?”

Ren couldn’t help but like him a little bit. “No im not waiting for anyone, they came and left.” She took a moment to study him, he was very well dressed and very good looking. His eyes drew her in the most with their blue gaze and his soft smile, she finished her drink and nodded. “Alright art gallery sounds like its more fun than staying here.”John smiled and held out his arm to her and she slipped her arm through his and followed him to his town car to head out.

The art gallery was paintings only, but a large variety in styles. “So, did you only go to the bar to find a date? Or where you already at the bar and see an opportunity, sorry just kinda curious?” Ren asked after a few moments of wandering around the gallery.

“I was already at the bar.” He flashed a smile that just hooked her. “I was originally intending on coming alone. For some reason you caught my eye, thought i might take the chance. After all im only in town for a few days on business and you never know what treasure one might find.” His voice was silky.

Ren couldn’t help but smile at him. “I like you, your smooth.” He chuckled softly and gave her a wink. “Good looks smooth personality quite the charmer arnt you John, careful you might make me swoon for you.”

“Only when i want to be.” His smile was mischievous and his eyes seemed to match. “You have a beautiful smile. I was dreading my trip out here with all the business i had to do, but it was nice to have the opportunity to really relax and spend time with someone. Simply enjoy the moment and not planning the next, dont you think?”

“Your right, it is nice to be in the moment. Especially here, this art is amazing. A lot amazing pieces and talent.” Ren glanced around the gallery at all the paintings taking it in.

John kept his eyes on her. “You love art?” His voice was soft and intrigued.

“I love talent, and dedication to a task. All this paintings took hours, of brush stroke after stroke. Time and dedication to a task it’s admirable, I barley can wait for the coffee to pour. So its nice to see not just one project of dedication but many come to a beautiful finish.”

His eyes where still fixed on her taking in every little thing, he certainly seemed intrigued by her. “Dedication to a task is certainly an admirable trait.”

Ren locked eyes with him and gave him a smile. “What about you John, do you love art? Or just coming to support a friend?”

The corner of his lips twitched into a smile for a moment. “I appreciate the talent and dedication as well. But it helps to have someone to appreciate it with, lifes no fun with out someone to share beautiful moments with. Even if it is with someone you just met for one evening, moments are better shared.”

“They are, thank you John. I was having a really shitty day, but you really helped me make the best of it. I appreciate that.” She gave his hand a little squeeze. “A gentleman to my rescue.”

He let out a laugh. “A gentleman eh? Well then, how about we go out for dinner hm? After we finish here. Im certainly enjoying our time together, if you would like to join me that is?” He returned the gentle squeeze.

“What where you thinking?” She was intrigued on what he might have planned.

Gently he lifted her chin up and gave her a small kiss. “What ever you want, the lovely lady should always choose.”

Ren smiled. “Well if thats the case, I know a great burger place not far from here.”

John chuckled and nodded. “A burger place?” He had a crooked smile but his eyes seemed sceptical. “Alright. Sounds great.”

“A damn great burger place, all the fancy restaurants couldn’t make a burger and fries as good as this place. As much as its great to enjoy the finer things, its the little things that build up to the great moments.” Ren looked over at a painting of a waterfall and motioned to it. “Take paintings for example. They are beautiful but they are built up of tiny things, little moments. Layer upon layer to make this incredible scenery, its the little brush strokes that make the bigger picture. You have to appreciate the little things as well.”

The scepticism left his eyes. “Very well put. Im certainly enjoying our little moments.” He pulled her closer gently and ran his fingers through her hair pulling her into a kiss. She leaned into him deepening the kiss as he twirled her hair around his fingers. As he pulled away he gave her a small kiss on the forehead. “How about we go for those burgers now?”

Alright thats it for part 1. I really wanted to play on Johns lonely side and certainly had fun doing it. Cant wait for part two!

🍋🍋🍋

#farcry 5 fanfic #farcry 5 fanfiction #far cry 5 fanfiction #far cry 5 fanfic #john seed #Serenity ‘Ren’

[y0u-aint-shit-t0-m3]

Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways.. 

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired. 

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.  

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either. 

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal. 

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it. 

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own. 

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling.. 

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I  Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021 

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive. 

April 11th 2021 

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know  you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021 

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life) 

June 22nd 2021 

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap. 

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I  think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I  find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset. 

[stluciasstudentjail]

For Renee: 15, 16, 25, 38, 21, A, G, E. For Alister: 1, 13, 22, 18, 21, 16, 31, E, . For Cas: 3, 15, 18, 21, 22, 31, 38, 43, 7, E. For Cameron: 1, 3, 7, 8, 10, 13, 17, 18, 21, 30, 32, A, E, B. For Rory: 2, 11, 14, 16, 25, 35, 40, A, B, E, G

ok u asked for it. I literally had to wait and do this on the computer bc like… I aint about to do all these on my phone

Renee:

15: It depends, sometimes she says stupid shit on the spot (especially when she’s mad) but she stops and tries to articulate her words when she’s trying to comfort or encourage someone

16: LUCAS. But really, seeing Avery never stops making her feel sick in fear AND disgust. (not just bc he ugly)

25: Something she never liked to think about for herself because it’s completely impossible for her to live a normal life and not endanger her spouse. BUT when it comes to other people getting married she’s a romantic and loves seeing happy couples. (that’s why she likes a good romance movie) 

38: pfft she relives her mistakes constantly, but most likely the first person she killed. It’s the most often recurring thought, anyway.

21: She just wants to be able to live a normal life, honestly. She tries to be optimistic about it. Oh, and she wants to murder Avery so he can never hurt her or anyone else ever again :)

A) I like that she’s actually trying to improve herself and it’s nice to see her actually TRY to learn to her mistakes and  be a better person even tho it aint work. 

G) She’s so damn petty and destructive in her relationships, it takes a lot of effort for her to step back and unlearn the behaviors she was taught growing up. 

E) Yeah if the bitch wouldn’t go off on me

Alister: 

1. Maybe a half hour? He’s not good at relaxing lmao I wonder why.

13: He throws on mostly dark or neutral colors, which looks good BUT he actually looks best in red imo. He probably wouldn’t choose to wear it himself but wouldn’t be opposed to it either. 

22: It’s actually pretty easy to make him jealous, but he’d probably just distance himself and act like he could NOT care less. big surprise and not super obvious at all. He’d just never admit to it. 

18: The vague implication that he cares about his friends, family, romantic interest.. etc. 

21: pretty well only because he has people he cares about he wants to look out for. Oh, and he’s stubborn af and not to mention already too used to carrying on. 

16: Lucas, Avery, both of his parents… etc. 

31: That’s hard bc they all dumb af. but uhhh he appreciates Renee a lot for all her optimisim despite everything they went through. They made things a little easier for eachother outside of the whole dumb mutual crush they had going on. They’re genuinely good friends tho.

E: I’d just think he was a prick probably and even if I knew he was actually a decent person I don’t VIBE with that type of pal irl. 

Cas:

3: readingggggg.  He finds it fun and distracting. 

15: absolutely rehersed to sound as dumb as possible lmao. He goes over a lot of his dumb speeches in his head.

18: not being able to control himself tbch. Obviously he’s embarrassed a lot. 

21: He wants to try and get back to his normal self. haha can u imagine. But tbh he wants to figure out who he used to be.

22: it manifests in passive aggressive comments about the person he’s jealous of. He’d probably come out and say something if it were really bothering him, but he’d try not to overreact. 

31: his PALS. Renee reached out to him first, so probably her. She’s popular w/ the squad apparently.  (also I’m answering every 31 question outside of the rp otherwise they’d b different lol) 

38: His memories are mostly ingrained with Kate. He mostly comes back to a moment where he was isolated and calling out for her. He finds it VERY shameful.

43: He’d say he thinks girls are pretty. But sometimes, he also thinks BOYS are pretty. And then someone would say “bud ur bi” and he’d be like “haha ya!” with a vapid smile on his face. 

7. Being at his HOUSE, of course. It makes him kinda sad and empty though. It’s more of a bittersweet feeling.

E: Maybe in small doses. He could get annoying.

Cameron: 

1. 0 seconds. He’d have to go entertain himself or bother someone. 

3. Daydreaming, for sure.

7. fuckin uhhhhh sometimes just being around his brother can give him some actual good nostalgic feelings, but it’s a mixed bag because their childhood was… u kno, bad.  

8. By his mom? stop talking so much/so fast. By his brother? stop talking to random strangers u swamp creature. 

10: He mostly lied to his mom about where he was going, what he was doing, and just to avoid getting in trouble. He doesn’t really feel bad about it.

13: He thinks he looks best in blue. It suits him pretty well, actually.

17: He has very little shame, so no.

18: He’s a little embarrassed when he’s complimented by a friend or praised by an adult, but he just covers it up with bravado so u can’t even tell. 

21: Since he’s a very social person he really just wants to get up and hang w/ his PALS. and have a good time. 

30: Steeeeeeeveeeee

32: He’ll just say something off the wall or sarcastic.

A) Honestly? He’s just fun bc he has absolutely zero self control. 

E) Yeah he’d be fun to hang out with, just maybe not constantly because he’s kinda Much.

B) he was literally just supposed to add some more background for Alister, but now I have to deal with him 4ever. :(

Rory: 

2. She’ll laugh openly if someone trips or does something embarrassing. Usually she’ll just crack a smile at a joke, unless it’s HYSTERICAL

11. Depends on the circumstances, but most often she’ll just nod and try to seem mature while having no idea what the fuck is going on. 

14. She loves animals. Just not snakes. 

16. Being grabbed or touched without warning makes her feel sick. It really depends on how she’s feeling that day, though.

25: Something she’d love but can’t see herself being able to manage. 

35: She tries her hardest to be like “ok… neat.” even if she thinks it’s dumb. Sometimes she’ll make insensitive comments or be really obvious about her lack of interest but she TRIES.

40: She knows her own flaws very well, she just doesn’t go out and admit it openly. Her self esteem is crap but sometimes she gets caught in the moment and doesn’t realize she’s being shitty until after the fact. 

A) the way she’s slooowly working to the point where she’ll be able to kick Lucas off a bridgeB) my thought process: im need… more girl. E) nooooo and no. actually MAYBE sometimes. G) Her being kind of a fukin jerk most of the time is like lord don’t u get tired go take a nap 

#ocs #bakugosucks #oc tag

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

[kpurereactions]

Studio

Smut Week: Day 7 | Kim Namjoon

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader 

W/C: 2374

A/N: Sorry for such a shitty end to Smut week, things on my end of things are starting to get really hectic and I know this isn't the best thing I've ever written but just know given everything going on its the best I could do. 

Love you all, K xx

Life as a couple with Namjoon was still very new to you. You had only been dating for a few months and although you two were basically living with one another you were definitely still trying to figure one another out. You were on practically the same schedule as him so when you weren't working the two of you were always able to meet up. Sex was fairly new to the two of you too, You didnt want to rush things so for the first 6 weeks of your relationship you two only really stuck to heavy petting. Well only some heavy petting.

At first having sex with Namjoon was intimidating. He was this big Idol that so many people talked about in more ways that one, and that made knowing him intimately scary. You still remember the first time you had sex with him like it was yesterday though. You had told him the morning of that you wanted to take your relationship to the next level and he had no complaints about that. He made sure he got to your apartment before you did and set the table for the food that he lied about making, though the lie only lasted a few minutes since he's a terrible liar. He didnt rush you into anything but he showed you just how much he wanted you with every kiss and every touch. You remember that night like it was yesterday.

Though sex became a regular thing between the two of you certain things he didnt pressure. It took you two weeks after first having sex for you to let him switch up the positions on you and another two after that for you to give him a blowjob, which in his opinion was definitely worth the wait. Every time you'd let him do something else to you you could feel yourself getting closer and closer with him, so you like to have the mile stones. It made things more intimate and  that was something that was important to you. You found yourself getting hornier easier. Sometimes all he had to do was look at you and you would just melt, always either having to pull him in or excuse yourself to the bathroom.

You had gotten off of work earlier that usual, it was your bosses birthday or something so he let everyone go well before the work day was supposed to end. You called Namjoon, thanking your lucky starts he answered, excited to see your name pop up on his phone.

'Hey babe, I got out early and I'm heading to get some food do you want me to bring you something?' You asked as you pushed opened the door to the building you worked in.

'Oh that would be amazing! You know were I'm thinking and what I'm thinking about, were going to pretend you surprised me though so your not stuck buying food for everyone.' He said in a really soft whisper.

'Thats so mean, then its going to look like I wasn't thinking about the others.' You said chuckling as you started your walk to his favorite takeout place.

'Good, you need to be ignoring them. Only focus on me.' He said making you chuckle again.

'Im going to get enough food for everyone, why are you so mean to them.' You said making him chuckle.

'Y/n is getting food and bringing it! Im not mean to them, I just don't like sharing.' He said calling to the others and then speaking only to you again.

'You will have your own food Joonie, they all can share the rest.' You said opening the door to the take out place.

'Im talking about you, I don't like sharing you.'

'Then you and I can give them their food and then go to your studio and eat together.' You said smiling, the thought of being alone with Namjoon in his studio making you tingle since doing it there was something he had told you he wanted to do.

He agreed excitedly and then hung up so you could order. You moved as fast as you could after getting the food, you were lucky your work, his favorite restaurant and his work were all within four blocks of one another so the walk didnt take too long. Once you were in the dance studio with the boys Yoongi waited for the others who danced around you to collect all their food before he took the bag from you in one hand and yours in his other and walked you out of the room.

You loved the scent of his studio, it smelt like his usual soft smell but intensified by 20. You took your usual spot on the couch as he put the food on the table, took his own, and sat back in his desk chair. The two of you ate with the conversations of your day. You told him how you were making great progress on the project your boss ad given you as a challenge and told you that he finally nailed the dance steps he had been worrying about for the past two weeks. You were proud of him and made sure to tell him that making him smile and look down at his next to empty container.

After the food was eaten and left overs were placed in his small mini fridge you stood, kissing his cheek slightly before reaching for your jacket to leave.

'I have some work I have to finish so ill see you at home?' You asked placing your hands on his knees as he turned his chair to watch you.

'Why don't you just work here? I can move some of the things on the other desk or you can use the coffee table?' He asked reaching out for your wrist.

'Okay but you can't distract me.' You said making him laugh and pull your arm slightly so you could lay a kiss on him.

An hour had passed since you cleared off his coffee table where you sat criss crossed on the floor with a blanket over your lap and his music softly playing in the background. Your eyes would scan over the array of papers that laid out in front of you and then over to your computer and then back to the papers. But as much as you wanted to pretend work was coming easy to you all you could truly focus on was Namjoon's profile as his tongue grazed his bottom lip, a habit he had picked up from watching you work. You cleared your voice and shook your head as you reached for a different document. At one point Hoseok walked in to ask Namjoon a question but ended up just mocking you two for being couple goals.

Around 11 you threw your pen on the table, not caring where it bounced and groaned. You were getting no where and with Namjoon sitting over there licking his lip was doing nothing but frustrate you even more, although this time if was in a different way. You closed your eyes and put your hands over your face. He looked up and over to you, smiling at how cute you were when frustrated.

'Whats wrong?' He said standing up and coming to sit over by you, his long legs pushing the table back a little with his long legs. You groaned telling him you were having troubles focusing. 'Well I'm pretty much done, do you want help?'

You sat forward and started to push your papers to one side so you could sit on the table in front go him. Once you had a clear enough space you moved to sit on the table and hook your arms around his neck. You smiled as his hands started to rub against your knees. \

'Im over doing work.' You started, biting you lip slightly knowing perfectly well you were about to wreck him. 'I'd rather be doing you.'

His eyes widened and he slowly let a smile creep onto his face before he was kneeling up to wedge his body between your legs so he could kiss you. His hands took ahold of the backs of your knees so he could turn you. He pushed you back so your laid the length of the table. Since his lips had left yours you chuckled as he kissed up your thighs, pushing your shirt up as he went. You bit your lip as your body started to heat up, his lips moving closer to your core making you squirm. Your hand found his hair and started to tug slightly, you weren't ready for him to be that close with his face.

But hearing him groan at your tug and feeling his voice ring through the sensitive skin of your inner thigh it made you think different. Why not let him if that was what he wanted to do? You Bit your lip and prepared yourself with words to encourage him.

'Namjoon please.' You breathed pushing his head towards your core. He chuckled and looked up to you.

'What do you want me to do baby?' He asked dark.

'I want you to taste me.' You said looking straight at the ceiling so try and hide your blushing.

He chuckled again and returned his lips to the inside of your thigh. He pushed his body up along with his lips and your skirt. When finally hovering above your core he looked up to see you looking down at him. The feeling of his sweet hot breath made your skin crawl with pleasure.

'Ive wanted to do this for so long now.' He whispered lowering his lips slowly till he was kissing your already sopping core through the thin lace of your panties. You gasped and bit your lip as his tongue started to massage against the lace.

His teeth nipped at the lace and let in snap against you  slightly askew, the sudden feeling making you flinch and squeeze tighter to his hair. He licked again, the feeling of having half his tongue on you and the other half pressing against the lace making you moan quietly. The feeling of having you hot and squirming against him made  him groan in pleasure as his arms wrapped around your lowered half to keep you in place. From that position his hands gripped tightly to the hips of your panties. With his tongue pulsating and teasing through your underwear you couldn't help but groan when he stopped. You sat up slightly to protest when he looked up at you with sorry eyes.

'Whoops...' He said showing the ripped lace with a wicked grin.

'Namjoon seriously?' You asked leaning back and covering your face.

You heard him chuckle again but before you could look at him he was pressing his tongue flat against you and rolling it. He groaned as he tasted you fully and with no hesitation he began to move his jaw, teasing your core as a fast rate. The sudden friction made your body lurch and your hand clench to his hair tighter, Your other hand reaching above you and accidentally knocking everything off of the table. He held you closer than before as he started to play with you individually. His tong moved to flick against your clit before it moved back down to push his tongue in and out of you after switching between the two for a minute he clamped down on you and started to suck and twirl his tongue feverishly.

You let out a shaky breath you hadn't realized you had been holding that had been a companied by a gasp and your body slightly sitting up. He sucked and licked harder against you his hands reaching up and pressing your body back down. His tongue started to lap quickly as your body began to tingle. You moaned breathlessly and tried to say his name but all that came out was a slight stutter. He caught on to your building orgasm and moved to stimulate your clit before adding a finger into you, curling it to press accurately against your g-spot. You screamed slightly and your back arched again before laying flat against the table again.

The sound of you letting out sweet shorts grunts made him move his finger and jaw quickly. You let out a loud moan at the change of pace, your back arching again and your body is starting to shake as he pushed you closer to your orgasm. His hand gripped tighter to your thigh as your voice grew louder. You moaned a string of his name in short desperate moans until you where squealing though your orgasm, your back arching fully and your hands clenching to his hair as your body began to release. He groaned into you as you came around his mouth, the feeling of the vibrations from his voice shaking your body even harder.

As you came down from your high Namjoon pressed his lips against your thighs and the lower half of your stomach. You could feel him smiling against your skin, your hands finally loosening their grip. He moved up your body to look at you, laughing slightly at your flushed face. You pulled him down to kiss you, this being the best way you could think of to thank him for that.

'Who knew you secretly a screamer.' He chuckled helping you sit up on the coffee table. You looked around and covered your face at the mess of papers you had made. 'Do you think anyone heard you?' He added making your eyes widen and you cheeks turn very red.

Instantly the door opened and a grumpy Yoongi stood there looking at the mess that was made.

'Yes. Yes we did hear you.' He said. Although there was a grumpy tone to his voice you both could tell he was holding back a laugh.

You looked at Namjoon who dipped his head and laughed, Yoongi walking in fully. The two of you watched as he went to grab something off of Namjoon's desk, your heart still fluttering before it fully dropped. His eyes caught something and then took a double take of it making your eyes follow where he was looking. A smile broke to his lips as he bent to pick up the torn lacy panties that had fallen to the side.

'Well... why aren't I surprised?' He said making you burry your head in  Namjoons shoulder as he laughed and wrapped his arms around you.

#bts #bts smut #bts scenarios #kim namjoon #namjoon smut #Namjoon scenarios

[deojoon]

sky blue : 1

cross posted on ao3

part 2    part 3     part 4    part 5

Summary:

(trigger warning) how namjoon came across always and reflection or how namjoon began to love himself with help ! *this fic isn't for everyone, in no way am i romanticizing mental illnesses or what namjoon went through. if you don't like it dont read it thank you.

Notes:

i'm not gonna lie this straight up was the longest and quickest fic ive ever written. all because i was sad. it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to but its something. i kinda cried while writing it only because i sorta relate ? ion know. even though im a shitty writer you gotta start somewhere enjoy !

Chapter 1

: the beginning

I’ve always wondered how he did it. How Namjoon pieced himself back together. Did bts help ? did army help ? did a friend/significant help ? i’ve always noticed something about rm and it’s wasn’t till recently it got better.

-

It’s was a late night , early 2016, namjoon couldn’t remember the day of the week or date “fuck” he said as he sat in his studio chair looking up at the ceiling. It’s been about 3 days since he locks himself in the studio. This is couple months after his mixtape dropped and when the plagiarism claims had happened. The lowest point of his life.

He checks his phone to see with no surprise to see no new notifications. Namjoon sighed, he stretched his arms and with grogginess, he went back to writing. After even more hours of creativity, Namjoon passes out.

Namjoon woke up to see the time is now 5 am.

He gets up to leave the studio to check on yoongi. No matter what namjoon himself was feeling he thought of everyone else’s well being first. ‘it’s better this way’ he thought.

As he approaches yoongi’s studio he knocks on the door. He hears something crash, he starts to beat on the door calling his name “yoongi please open up”.

After a deep breath yoongi opens up the door breathless “what” he said harshly.

Namjoon walked in already knowing what’s wrong, closed the door and hugged yoongi. “take a deep breath. You’re  okay. You’re  safe.” Yoongi grabs namjoon tightly

Yoongi was upset, he was mad that he was frustrated with himself, that namjoon knows all too well when he’s mad, that namjoon knows how to make him feel better. Yoongi’s grip eventually loosens. Yoongi’s moves closer to namjoon's neck, just to inhale namjoon’s scent to calm himself. It’s a mix of pine, mint, and cotton candy which is surprisingly addictive.

(Not that yoongi would ever tell anyone that.)

With a now calm yoongi, namjoon asks “what were you doing exactly”

Yoongi still in his neck mumbling “producing. It’s not coming out the way I want it to maybe it’s because i’m not capable of making good music”

Namjoon squeezes yoongi tighter. “yoongi no matter what you’re the most creative person i’ve met. Yoongi don’t pay any mind to this small stump.

“but you don’t understand the pressure”

Once yoongi said that it hurt namjoon’s feelings a bit. Brushing it off namjoon replies “ come one let’s go home you need a break”

Yoongi just sighed and nodded, knowing arguing with namjoon at this point wouldn’t get him anywhere.

They left and went to the dorms. As they walked in seokjin was in the kitchen grabbing food for himself. Like a deer caught in headlights, seokjin jumped and dropped his leftover chicken.

“well there you are yoongi I was looking for you. When you feel better can you fix the bookshelf. Someone broke it” seokjin said glaring at namjoon.

Namjoon sheepishly smiles and rubbed the back of his neck. “sorry”

Yoongi had enough and grumbled “ stop breaking shit i’m tired of fixing it” he stomped away.

Namjoon’s sheepish grin dropped “ i’m going to bed”

As he walked to his shared room with taehyung he began to think about the inconvenience he caused other the members. He sighed and went to bed.

-

It’s now a Monday on their one month break. While everyone else is out having fun namjoon is stuck inside. its seems like everyone made plans without him yet again.   It’s been like this for the last week. No human interaction, so he decided to call jackson to see if he wanted to hang out.

But of course, jackson was busy. Namjoon started to feel antsy. He started to scroll on twitter. Maybe seeing army will make him feel better. Namjoon felt worse after reading comments about how ugly and untalented he is. His mood worsened more and more.

When namjoon heard the door open he knew the rest of the members came back he quickly put his emotions in the back of his head. And walking into the living about to say something only to hear his members making fun of his singing as they listened to the song  “adrift”

“he sounds like he’s dying”

“is he gargling a box of nails”

He had enough and went into the bathroom.

He sat down against the wall and stared at himself in the mirror.

‘why am I here’

‘I can’t even write good music without copying someone’

Namjoon shook his head and realized someone was knocking on the bathroom door. He got up and washed his face to see an angry taehyung.

“Finally, do you know how long I was knocking. Get out so I can go in”

Namjoon thought taehyung was concerned for him at first so he smiled but dropped it when he finished.

Namjoon went to his room grabbed his phone, laptop, and wallet and walked out the dorm ignoring everyone’s laughter.

-

He arrived at his studio locked the door and decided to read on naver thinking the news would make him feel better and distract him. Namjoon ended up reading two articles one about him plagiarizing and the other on how much weight he gained, how fat he is now.

Namjoon was at his breaking point but the one last thing that pushed him over was his parents texting him that they’re on vacation without him.

Namjoon began writing full of tears and sadness.

One morning, I opened my eyes And wished that I was dead I wish someone killed me In this noisy silence I live to understand the world But the world didn’t once understand me, why No, the other half is missing* It’s trying to hurt me I miss me miss me, baby, I miss me miss me baby I wish me I wish me baby Wish I could choose me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

If I ever meet God, I would tell him this That life is coffee that I never ordered I would grab him by the collar and tell him Death is an americano you can’t refill Are you sure that you’re alive Then, let’s prove it somehow When I exhale, there’s breath** On the window, there’s condensation You are dead You are dad, but you are dead Dead dad you don’t listen to me Dad please listen to me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

-

After writing, the group's manager called him to explain the wings photo shoot and due date for the music.

After the long and exhausting meeting, he went back to the dorms to tell everyone the schedule and he got nothing but complaints.

“why couldn’t you pushback the date”

“all ways make things hard for us”

“ya I really don’t appreciate his at all”

“why’d you make our schedule so intense”

Namjoon ran out the dorm slamming the door.

-

Namjoon goes back into the studio and just stares at the wall, thinking about the stupid voice in his head repeatedly saying he doesn’t matter and wrote reflection.

I know Every life’s a movie We got different stars and stories We got different nights and mornings Our scenarios ain’t just boring I find this movie very amusing Everyday, I want to shoot it well I want to caress myself I want to caress myself

But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself To be honest, quite often, I really hate myself When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum I just stand there with the familiar darkness

With the people that are smiling And beer, which makes me smile Coming to me softly, Fear, which holds my hand It’s okay because everyone is in twos or threes It’d be nice if I had friends too

The world is just another name for despair My height is just another diameter for the earth I am all of my joy and anxiety It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me Hey you, who’s looking over the Han River If we bump into each other while passing, would it be fate? Or maybe we bumped into each other in our past life Maybe we bumped into each other countless times

In the darkness, People look happier than the day Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be But only I walk without purpose But still, blending in with them is more comfortable Dduksum, which has swallowed up the night Hands me an entirely different world I want to be free I want to be free from freedom Because right now I’m happy but I’m unhappy I’m looking at myself At Dduksum

I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself

-

Namjoon now lying on his studio floor hear knocking on his door. He ignores it and goes back to sleep.

'why do they even bother with me'

#rm #namjoon #bts #bts angst #namjoon angst

[lil-nct-scenarios-11]

Jeno- Too Late

Group: NCT- Jeno

Theme: Request- you + Jeno are best friends and u like him but before u can confess, he dates someone else and realizes that he’s in love with the reader  

Type: one shot- angst

Plot: A simple afternoon hanging out with your best friend, Jeno, turned out to be a heartbreaking one done unintentionally as he told you about his crush, not aware of your feelings for him. A few months later as you try to move on, he realizes that he feels something for you but when he tries to make things ok, do you comply easily or suppress it?

“Haha today was crazy! That sub did not care at all, the class was wild. Man wait til Ms. Emery hears about this when that one kid snitches on us, omg did you see his face? He looked as if he watched a family get slaughtered or something, omg today was an actually a fun day at school. How often do you hear me saying somethin’ good about school?” you ask Jeno, gushing about your day at school.

“I know, did Y/N actually enjoy school today? Where's my Y/N who absolutely loathes school? I didn’t hear her talking about that one couple who’s always making out before math or how ‘shitty’ lunch was or how Mr. Piller assigned, and I quote, ‘literally 5 hours of bio homework’. Who are you and what have you done to my best friend?” Jeno asks joking, stopping to look directly in your eyes with his hands behind his back.

You scoff as you shove him lightly, “Don’t think you’re being a lil too extra? Let me just enjoy this day,” you say simply as you stretch out your arms to the air, embracing the sunlight.

Jeno just replies with a chuckle and asks you, “Hey do you want an ice cream cone?”

“Yes? Why you still gotta ask me, you know I’m always down for ice cream,” you reply.

He just smiles to himself and buys you a cone from a ice cream vendor and joins you to continue the walk to the park you two always go to hang out by after school. You enjoy your vanilla cone contently without a word to Jeno as you think out how you want to confess to him. Yea, sure you knew this was a cliché, a best friend falling in love with their best friend. What you didn’t know or expect were the following words from Jeno’s mouth.

“You know Grace right? I really like her and I was planning on asking her out tomorrow,” Jeno says super casually as he continues to finish off his cone.

Your heart drops to your stomach and you stare at Jeno with your jaw dropped down in shock. You quickly recover and shout, “WHAT! JENO! HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON GRACE AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN SO BRAVE? AM I NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW THE DAY BEFORE YOU ARE GUNNA FREAKIN ASK HER OUT?”

He starts to laugh, oblivious to the fact his laughter sounds and replays in your head everytime you go back to this memory. “You see I wanted to tell you this sooner but I wasn’t sure how I really felt about her but now after talking to her a lot, I realized that I really like her and stuff. She’s really nice, has a nice smile, and she reminds me a lot of you in a strange way and I donnu how I feel about that but-”

His words blend together as you stop listening to what he had to say about Grace and tried to not let your eyes well up with tears. Your eyes were burning because they desperately needed relief but you denied them. ‘Not now, not in front of Jeno,’ you think to yourself.

“Y/N? Y/N?” Jeno asks concernedly as he waves his hand in front of you.

You snap out and widen your eyes in shock, “Yea, sorry. I was just hurt you didn’t tell me sooner. Listen, I gotta go, I just remembered I got some stuff to do at home. But good luck for tomorrow, I’m sure she’ll say yes because you’re a great guy and you’ll never hurt her,” you force a sad smile. You hastily give him a hug and start to head off to your house, not giving him the chance to stop you and making a mental note to not come to this park for a long while.

The thought of Jeno being with somebody else is etched in you mind and all other thoughts of anything logical zones out to shine the spotlight on Jeno and that bitch Grace. Anger boils inside of you but sadness overcomes you. ‘Why, why her? Who the fuck even is she? She doesn’t know him like I do and she never will because if Jeno ever dares to talk about our memories with her then they will all just be a story to her but it will always remain a memory between because we fucking lived through it and that lil bitch will never get a taste of what that was like. Why is she so damn nice too, like I can’t even say she’s ugly ughhhhhh why? Fuck Jeno, I don't care, he can be with who he wants, I don't own him. If he never bothered to tell me about her before why should I pretend to care now? That explains why he’s been a lil distracted recently, I bet he doesn’t even think of how much he really means to me. Who knew such a sweet guy like him was capable of causing so much pain without even knowing it? All these years and now I decide to develop feelings for him when I can't have him. All these feelings only to go unrequited and shattered. Hmm well, I guess I better get used to it, damn this really hurts. Why does this is hurt so much, its not like he’ll ever know? Damn, I’m a mess... such a fuckin mess,’ you think as you slide down your front door and break down into your hands after you locking it.

                                                              * * *

5 and a half empty months later, you find 7 missed calls make their way back on your lock screen. And they were all from your ‘best friend’ who hasn’t bothered to call the past few months. You simply ignore them, just like how you were ignoring the feeling of longing you craved from him. Then there came the notification of a voicemail. Your heart dropped once more because you dreaded hearing his voice. The soft croak that he always has whenever he starts talking always gets you. But with lots of hesitation and a heavy heart, you unlock your phone and go to listen to his voicemail. Your thumb lingers over the button but you press it to reveal his message.

         “y/n, hey um its been a while and im sorry. i wanna meet you, th... there’s

         something i need to tell you in person. i know you always check your  

         voicemails and stuff so just meet me at the park after school tomorrow.

         ok um bye y/n, see you tomorrow,

                   i miss you”

A single tear fell but only at the muffled part where he said ‘i miss you’. His voice was so gruff and thick with emotion and you can imagine him speaking with a blank face on his face as he tries to distract himself by staring at something meaningless. You wiped your tear and wondered if you should really go or not.

‘What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like he’s gunna be on his knees, crying, telling me that he loves me or somethin bizarre like that. I miss him too, I’ve known him for 5 years so these 5 months made me realize how much we’ve really been there for each other through practically everything but this. We’ve grown so much together, I wonder how much he’s changed without me by his side. Damn, I really miss him too..’

--------

The school bell rings and you take your time to walk to the park. You’ve have never this nervous to meet up with him but then again you’ve never went a few days without seeing him in the past. The past few months have been really hard, it sucks when you lose a friend to their significant other and it sucks even more when its your best friend. You see him at school often but never interact for whatever odd reason but mostly because it just stung whenever you saw him. And it didn't help that you two had almost all of your friends in common so you would bump into him a lot, most of the time it was just pretty awkward.

When you arrive at the park, you saw Jeno sitting at your usual spot looking very distressed. Your heart sinks and you will yourself not to run up to him and hold him. Jeno looks up by hearing the sound of your feet scuffling and there was a certain look that replaced his cheery gleam in his eyes, this gleam seemed much more somber. A small smile stretches onto his face and he stands up to properly greet you.

“Y/N, you came,” he says quietly, almost to himself. “Hey, how have you been?”

“I’ve been ok, how ‘bout you? How’s Grace?,” you ask with a slight bitter tone.

He looks confused then his face starts to loosen up as he replies, “Oh yea, she’s ok I think. We broke up a while ago so I don’t really know. I don’t wanna talk about her, I wanna talk about us.”

“’Us’? I think that ‘us’ went away along with Grace because there hasn't been an ‘us’ in a long time Jeno,” you mutter softly, avoiding eye contact.

“I know and I’m really sorry about that. No one is ever worth me losing my best friend, the only one that has stuck with me through thick and thin, the only one that I can honestly confine in. Y/N, you have no idea how much you fuckin mean to me, I’ve been a complete mess without you. So much so that I realized that I love you. I always have, it’s just that I never knew if I was in love with our friendship or with you but it’s both. I feel so stupid to say ‘I love you’ at a time like this, I should be mending our friendship first instead of jumping straight into.. this. And I don’t even know if you even feel the same,” he mumbles, his voice faltering towards the end.

“I did. I loved you. But its too late now Jeno, I don't think I wanna pursue a relationship with you. I’m sorry, it just hurts too much. When... when you told me that you were gunna ask out Grace, I just went home wondering ‘why, why her?’ What did she have that I couldn't give you? And that’s the same day I wanted to tell you how I felt about you and I thought it would be a great day but oh, was I wrong. I donnu how I feel about an ‘us’ right now but I miss you and I need you. In those months I realized how much I needed you because you were always there then, suddenly you just weren’t there anymore. It just didn’t feel the same to pick up the phone and tell you that I’m over because I missed your cat. Nothing felt the same anymore, it felt as if somebody took a part of me that explained my very existence. Jeno, as much as I want to let you back in, how do I know you’re not gunna hurt me again because Jeno, I’m scared, I’m really scared,” your voice breaks as you shiver in the wind.

“Y/N,” he reaches out for your hands and falls on his knees with his buried in your hands. “Y/N, I’m so sorry I hurt you like that. I promise, I will never abandon you like that again. I don't know what I was thinking, I didn’t even like Grace honestly. I give you my word because I never wanna bare going 5 whole months without talking to my best friend, my favorite person in the world. I don't wanna lose my best friend for good, no one can ever take your place, ever. Y/N, forgive me I know I’ve must’ve hurt you a lot but I can proudly tell you that I love you even if you don’t feel the same because I just want you back, best friend or girl/boyfriend.”

You put your hand on his shoulder, kneel down, and put your finger beneath his chin to make his moist eyes meet yours. You place your hand on his check softly, as you begin, “Jeno, let’s take it one step at a time. Lemme be your best friend again then I’ll be your girl/boyfriend because as much as I was hurting, I don’t think I can ever ‘unlove’ you. I don't ever wanna risk losing you like that again, that was too scary and too close. But we’re here now, and we aren't going anywhere, well except to get ice cream because it was my turn.”

You smile gently as a tear fell down your face but you chuckle and ruffle Jeno’s hair makin him smile again, knowing that things were going back to normal.

*yall know how hard it was to find a gif where he wasn't smiling and that’s good because he should always have a smile on his face

*also its been a while since i wrote so i feel rusty lol and is it just me or does this scenario seem very similar to ‘one last time’

* also also this scenario hit kinda close to home bc I went through a very similar situation to this except i never got the happy ending haha bc like no body really goes down on their knees anymore lol

*anyways hope you guys enjoyed this scenario, i enjoyed writing it!

#nct #nct dream #nct jeno #jeno #nct scenario #nct dream scenario #nct jeno scenario #jeno scenario #nct one shot #nct dream one shot #nct jeno one shot #jeno one shot #nct drabble #nct dream drabble #nct jeno drabble #jeno drabble #request 15

[subjectsilver]

5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod. 

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.  

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard                       1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left -  well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them  every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

 “5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess  (kanye hands)   

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD 

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on  bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon   and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time  - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.  

6:00 AM   I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

[svtskneecaps]

im actually curious now... ive never played the game myself but ive seen ads floating around... why Are you so heated abt hogwarts mystery if u dont mind me asking?? --💕

OH BUD, YOU'RE GONNA REGRET ASKING

i've ranted before on here and i'm too lazy to read it over and make sure i don't repeat points so if you want to hear me say the same stuff a different way then this post is the main rant i did before (although some bits are out of date, like the stats rant; they fixed that some), basically i have a few big problems

gameplay is frustrating

energy is required to do almost all things story related, except like. the occasional duel.

energy recharges one point at a time, every four minutes. there is an energy maximum that you can increase at certain points during the story. as far as i can tell, everything is divided between things that are "1 hr", "3 hr", and "8 hr". this goes for classes, story moments, etc. you use the energy to tap highlighted shapes and fill a star meter and if you collect all the stars you need, you pass

the 1 hr stuff requires a full energy meter, no matter how big your meter is, as far as i can tell. my meter is 33 max energy. it takes me 2 hrs to fill this meter. THE ONE HOUR STUFF TAKES ME TWO HOURS TO COMPLETE. SO NATURALLY, I THINK THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT.

either way, waiting for the energy to recharge is fucking boring, especially when the story is progressing at a snail's pace (it's a mobile game, they're trying to make you pay money to complete the game faster, which i GET. i play idle games. i have the patience of a god. BUT AT LEAST FUCKING BAKERY STORY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING)

duelling used to be worse (it uses a rock-paper-scissors mechanism and it used to be if you lost the rock paper scissors you just didn't get to go, so you could get stunlocked by the enemy and lose just because you suck at random chance rock paper scissors, which was fucking frustrating. now the rock paper scissors just decides who goes first, which i'll admit is better)

i guess they've been trying to fix it and make it less. shitty. so a while back they added "clubs" which is pretty much just another incentive to complete events. the highlights you tap on to fill up the meter to complete events are a different color sometimes and it gives bonus club exp that gets you rewards sometimes. clubs aren't terrible, like they're a bandaid fix but i mean they did at least add some measure of satisfaction to the experience. even if it's like. not enough.

they also added a "memory log" which i guess the idea was that it would be fun to revisit scenes from past years and quests and ~view your memories~ but. it doesn't work. like i try to play a memory and it loads for infinity. so. that's a useless feature

they also added "pages" which are just. pieces of paper you can bind into a notebook (used as a form of special currency in the game; you buy animals with it). apparently you can also use them to buy another chance at the timed quests but i hate timed quests very deeply so they're useless to me. not sure if that feature works but considering it's triggered using the memory log it's really anyone's guess. so that's pretty. awful.

(it's much harder to get genuinely heated when i'm taking the time to list the faults i take with the game one by one in an essay like format but this game sends me into rand mode 90% of the time i'm just apathetic to it right now, i'm being clinical)

it's ugly

this game is more glitch than graphic. i cannot count on my appendages how many glitches and weird moments and gross graphical choices there are. maybe this is just because it's a mobile game and it's a hardware limitation, i have no idea. that's probably the case. doesn't make me hate the game any less. doesn't make me hate how ugly it is any less.

now i don't record the quidditch matches so i don't have many examples of that but those cutscenes are glitchy as all fucking get out and that's one of the things you can use to grind stats, energy, etc. there's not a quidditch event going on so i can't get images of the tail end of my broom EXTENDING OFF INTO THE TREELINE FOR FIVE MILES OFFSCREEN in certain cutscenes so you'll have to take my word for that one, but it's a thing that happens in two separate cutscenes and it's fucking bananas that it's still a thing that exists and hasn't been FIXED or NOTICED do they not have quality assurance????????????

AND WHY DOES MY WRIST LOOK LIKE THAT. WHY. I WANT TO HOLD MY FROG. I LOVE MY FROG. BUT GOD, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY HAS TWISTED MY WRIST LIKE A WET TOWEL. WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT???

I'M PRETTY SURE THE QUAFFLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER MY ARM, WHY IS THIS WHAT'S HAPPENING. THIS CLIP PLAYS IN EVERY QUIDDITCH MATCH I EVER DO.

WAIT THERE'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING BROOM THERE I LITERALLY NEVER NOTICED THAT THERE'S NOT EVEN A BROOM. I WAS SO DISTRACTED BY THE QUAFFLE I DIDN'T NOTICE THERE'S NO FUCKING BROOM.

THEY'RE HANGING OFF THE BACK END OF THEIR BROOMS. THIS PLAYS EVERY MATCH. WHAT THE FUCK. (don't mind the image quality that's coming from me screenshotting a screen recording)

i don't feel like editing video clips right now just for a shitty rant post about a shitty app game so you'll have to take my word for it that there is more shit and it is egregious and barely a scene goes by where something ugly doesn't happen. half the time they're like "cast this spell!" and i cast it and there's supposed to be a sweet little animation of your character casting the spell but every time i do it, the game glitches and my character freezes, and then the spell has been cast. no animation. which is awful. half the time it loads in such a way that you think you blinked, but no. the screen just glitched everything into place. i don't know how to describe it honestly. it's awful.

it's boring

the story COULD be good, if it wasn't fed to you in tiny chunks over the course of several years. it's an okay plot, the usual harry potter chasing after some mystery (in this game it's the Cursed Vaults, usually there's a specific vault you're chasing in every year to hopefully find your brother and save hogwarts from the curse in the process). that's a pretty solid start

but there's so much FILLER. like there's a bit in year 3 where you go fucking around trying to make an extra sweet butterbeer for madame rosmerta while she's trying to track down your brother's journal in her back room (which is apparently as organized as my fuckin bedroom) and like. it takes so fucking long to actually progress with ANYTHING related to the story after that. like the entire plot STALLS while you try to make the butterbeer. LIKE IMAGINE IF A HARRY POTTER NOVEL STOPPED FOR A CHAPTER TO DESCRIBE HIM DOING SOMETHING SO FUCKING BORING. like at least in there you might get some character development or something, there's no shit like that in this fucking godawful shit of a game. hell there's barely character development, for you, for your friends, for the professors, fuckin NOTHING

they bloated their cast out. there's way too many characters and they waste their time on filler rather than actually developing the characters (for reference, i'm halfway through year 4). ben's personality is "cowardly gryffindor". rowan's personality is "books and socially awkward". tonks's personality is "prankster" (which, incidentally, i've heard is also the entire personality of another character you meet later). they aren't developed. i think they're blowing their character development budget on the "enemies to friends" arc they're trying to pull (i'm guessing that based on a christmas theme side quest and her uncharacteristically spilling her tragic backstory, that's a prediction)

year 1 was entirely wasted time. they could have done so much more with year 1, and they just. didn't. year 1 is disproportionately short and it only involves three friends (rowan, ben, and penny) plus your main enemy. it lays the base bones for your rivalry fairly well, all things considered, and starts the chase for the cursed vaults, and lays some bases for your friendships (wish they would have done more, since the characters are still a little one-note), and then they fucking drop the ball in later years. like i haven't seen ben since year 2, but there was SOMETHING going on between him and the vaults, what the fuck was that? why is no one acknowledging that?? there is a mystery that they're just fucking ignoring and i'm going to go fucking crazy

i went into greater detail on this in the other rant so i'm not going to do it again but it pisses me off. that and how useless the house is. and the fact that it presents you with choices like they'll do anything, but they don't really affect anything (at least not where i'm at in the game). like, i've been presented with the option to take different characters with me, but the friend i took with me didn't get any meaningful dialogue at all so what even would the difference be if i'd taken someone else?? what was the point?? it's stupid. it's dumb. i hate it. i hate it.

anyway there's 1600 words on it. the only reason i'm still playing it is because i plan on reworking the whole damn thing using the "each house gets a different storyline with a few constant story beats", but to do that i need to know the plot of the stupid fucking thing. so that's what i'm doing for the moment. it might take me a couple years to finish though. this game sends me spiraling into burnout at speeds only rivaled by public school, even when it's NOT forcing you to stop and wait eight straight hours.

#not kpop #shut up vic #goddamn app game #hphm #'goddamn app game' is the filter for harry potter hogwarts mystery rants btw #💕 anon