#im ok and will be ok I'm just frustrated

[hipstersoulgushers]

tfw I have little interest or enjoyment out of activities I normally enjoy. What is this shit?

#I hate depression #all my homies hate depression #its so fucking hard to do anything even though I know I am literally being a normal amount of productive #like no one cares that you feel like shit if you're still keeping up with everything but my head feels like its going to explode! #I can't draw what I want to and I can't do anything to distract myself bc its all just exhausting instead of nice #auyyyyghjh #jas glubs #im ok and will be ok I'm just frustrated

[sydmarch]

anyway this is what i was actually trying to find. fucking thinking about this.

#NEED to know about their young adulthood. acele is described as 'late teens to early twenties' & we have no fucking clue how old evrart #is beyond 'around the same age as harry' which could mean anything when klaasje thinks hes 44 & kim thinks hes 56 #but i imagine they ARE actuslly very close in age bcus it'd just make sense wrt the timing of the revolution & all & yknow the parallels #so like they definitely could have been somewhere in their mid or late 20s when they came into power? & this 'at her age' as just a handful #of years before that? (choosing to just believe this line rather than taking it as him only trying to 'kids will be kids'ing away the drug #lab thing & making something up. so i can totally just like imagine lots of anger. at the state of things. about powerlessness. what do we #DO about it? probably getting into trouble & getting in fights for a long time. like leo says they ALWAYS came to help it wasn't just a one #off thing where they defended him it was just that one incident where the bullying stopped. bcus they beat him until he NEEDED STITCHES #like god i can just imagine their childhood & then the adolescent & young adult frustration & all of that coalescing into ok we WILL do #something to make things better. whatever it takes even. coming to the decision it's worth killing for #'your honor it's fine that my little meow meow had someone assassinated he had a bad childhood you see' #im chewing through concrete im throwing up im pacing my enclosure #anyway. me when i'm normal about the video game men #texticles #de #disco elysium #evrart

[poorks]

I saw some other people talking about being ace and demi in the community and I just want to throw in my two cents about how FRUSTRATING it is for every party involved being in a kink community and not being attracted to other people

I don't watch things or look at people and get horny. I don't fantasize about touching some stranger or a character from a show I really like. That's incomprehensible to me. The horniness stays in my brain. I mind my own business. The things I enjoy are separate from kink, they aren't FOR kink

#it doesn't help that i'm very autistic lmao #all of these things combine into me being the most annoying kink creator #and the most frustrating to connect with if we aren't already on the same page #if you just send me an image of a belly im more annoyed than anything #like ok?? what do you want me to do with this?? #if i see a pregnant person in public i mind my own business and let them be

[thats-a-lot-of-cortisol]

My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.

I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃

#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag #trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened #and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents #but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO #they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her #but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers #and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming #(a conversation SHE started btw) #and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back #and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary??? #that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you #like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive) #but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but. #if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that #i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions? #and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️' #(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent) #hate it. thanks #apostake #jay rambles #ok to interact #im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged #gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully #they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face #haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc #it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace #my sister's 17 ffs #it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void #religion #mormonism

[dq1]

:////

#hate avpd man i hate that ill never be able.to be close to people the way they would want me to #exgf literally left me also because i went through a phase of not really wanting to be touched and needing alone time bc of said avpd #like how could i ever have a relationship when i need to have my own room even in a relationship sometimes...or spend time separate #and its on and off bc sometimes i will b up someones ass but then 2 days later i need to not really talk much and be totally alone 4 a week #like idk ! i am not ! a lovable person ! #back and forth from hypersexual to nearly asexual sometimes. clingy to wanting to b alone. needing my own bed and stuff #half the time I'm not even good at cuddling without getting overstimulated #qpp and i basically codependents but i dont even know if either of us have the ability to have a closer relationship than that w a partner #we r only 20s but i feel like we have practically given up #add weird spiritual beliefs i have on top of that like how could someone love me when im insane and delusional and avoidant and whatever #cant believe exgf got annoyed when i would just wanna play ovw alone or something instead of sitting in bed watching her watch yt videos #like idk i need space sometimes too im just frustrated rn omfg #like am i destined to only being ok at ldr ... but even then i dont text well when j want to be Alon #kill me omfg....... this is ridiculous

[indigo]

living with other people really fucking sucks sometimes

#bitching in tags you were warned #my roommate pulled me aside on saturday and basically launched into me about how she does all the cleaning in our house which #she doesn't!!! #i do all the dishes everytime i use the kitchen and take out the trash and recycling and put away stuff she and our other roomie leave out #but she started pressuring me to do way more time intensive stuff like cleaning the floors and the shower more and just #i fucking can't #i am out of the house from 9a to 9p most nights and when i am here i'm either wfh or sleeping or crashing #so now im trying to fucking clean at night before i get ready for bed and i can't take it #i feel so judged and like shes resenting me all the time and i keep having like fucking mental breakdowns every night #when i'm trying to fall asleep #and i'm so frustrated bc her standard of clean is like pristine which is way different from me and our other roomie #and we never misrepresented ourselves to her we said we were tidy but had trouble keeping up with bigger clean stuff and she said it was ok #so why are you acting brand new about it one year later!! #i can't cope like my schedule was punishing enough as it is

[gibbearish]

the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚ #(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say) #n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚ #then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you' #and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

[theloveinc]

the ideas i'm having right now vs. my ability to express them and myself

#im the one in the toilet btw #i just have to be like this for a second i promise i'm not looking for anything and will likely delete this in the morning #but damnnnnn ... i guess to put it nicely (toward myself). i am not where i want to be with my writing at all right now #and i'm so FRUSTRATED #i reread something of mine the other day and i was just like. yuck. i hate myself. #and it's probs just a weird extension of this whole... dysphoria thing im going thru right now but #YEESH I WANT TO EVOLVE #i feel like a big fat caterpillar ready to become a butterfly but idk how the hell to make my cocoon #part of me thinks im in the cocoon but......... it's been a long *ss time in here if so lmao #anyway thats just to say i have two ... or three bomb *ss ideas that i just can't put on paper right #and im not really satisfied with the dabi thing either even tho. i really wanted to be #and it sucks bc all i wanna do is be on here BUT I'M SCARED #hence why my ask responses have been. ok i wont lie. nonexistent #but i think abt my ideas every day and then just fold them up and put them away bc i think if i wait they'll get better #AND THEY NEVER DOOOOOOO #arggggggggggggg its making me so angry #but that's all #hopefully i can write this idea out soon and be free #cuz thats my dream #among bettering my writing along with myself #but hehehe im probs just tired #sorry to be a downer!!! i go beddy bye now #caitie blabs #delete later

[unhinged-nymph]

.

#i don't know what I'm supposed to do about being too self-aware for therapy #like im sorry that i can't convince myself into a level of delusion in order to function in this society #cuz that's basically what CBT is #just talking yourself into certain mindsets until they stick #but like #i can't get past the fact that that is literally self-inflicted brain trauma? #like ok the output might be positive #aka being able to do the dishes without having a panic attack #but i cannot get to that point because im aware that im just attempting to trick myself into a state of delusion #i know it works for so many people #but i cannot just convince myself that i'm mentally healthy #i do not get dopamine or seratonin from completing tasks or taking care of myself like “normal” brains do #and forcing myself to reframe my thought process isn't going to change that #I can only distract myself so much ya know? #i'm just frustrated that the answer to my brain being the way it is is to just force it to be a different way #but that's literally TRAUMA like is anyone gonna wake the fuck up to that???? #did you know that our brains are almost exactly the same brains as the early homosapiens??? aka literal cavemen? #I'm working with A CAVEMAN brain that just wants to do specific little tasks and be creative #and also fulfill a specific role in a community #now in this current society we have to fulfill ALLLL the roles #the cleaning the cooking the planning the scheduling etc etc etc #i simply do not have the brain for all of that #plus im TIRED #because i have adhd and probably have autism so im using every last drop of my energy to just survive #so I don't have energy for all the “extra” stuff #which unfortunately for me includes things like laundry and vacuuming and hobbies and seeing friends and being active and touching grass #and this expensive ass therapist is just going to try to convince me that i in fact *do* have the energy and i just need to feel my feeling #and stop telling myself i cant #im not telling myself anything #like does *anyone* fucking get it???

[hanzajesthanza]

i tend to focus on regis making angouleme a little less insane. but the underrated dynamic in my head is angouleme making regis a little more insane. this mentorship goes both ways.

#and not in an annoying him way. that's completely separate. and he doesn't get annoyed and aggravated in the same ways that others do #if regis is really upset or offended he will be cold and distant. he doesn't have violent outbursts of frustration. he just freezes #and it's impossible for angouleme to sincerely annoy him anyways because he just doesnt find her that annoying. #of course he'd never tell her that. but he isn't truly annoyed by her because her trying to annoy him is something like amusing to him #so it develops into this running in-joke they have i think. woe unto those who do not understand the complexities of this friendship #im really split between making a video for halloween or finally writing my saovine fic (or trying to do either of these things and failing) #but i kind of want to write my fic more because it's personal and deeper. it's more meaningful and unique #i want to explore this flipside of the dynamic because i think it would be interesting to showcase that regis can honestly be really silly #everyone forgets he is also a comic relief character in the comic relief group in the comic relief plot #sometimes being juvenile and impulsive is good or at the very least entertaining to watch #angouleme: 'just give into your violent impulses. its what i do and everyone turns out ok' #regis: 'those guys over there didnt turn out ok. those guys over there turned out dead' #and as godforsakenly cliche as it is angouleme reminds him of his youth but in a GOOD way. #by spending time with her he probably remembered the good parts of youth that he buried in memory very deeply #and can begin to forgive himself for some of his stupidity #f: i'm not your uncle dear child #in short to live a dream #the elbow-high diaries

[audiovisualrecall]

When you decide to wear a shirt you last wore ~2 years ago and you realize it doesn't fit anymore

and it's cause u got too buff just from hefting 20-50 lbs of boxes/bags/boards/etc around 5 days a week for 3 yrs

:O

#coworker guys make me feel like im not strong bc its easy for them to lift stuff thats still difficult for me #but i DO have muscles and real daily use ones ok!! #like. this button down shirt fit well 2 yrs ago! but now its tight on my arms and it pulls in the back when i reach across etc #i mean 2 of the guys are like constantly at the gym and friend coworker can deadlift 200lbs bc he worked up to that so i shouldnt compare #but still #being the 'girl' and being seen as one is frustrating bc mostly the guys assume i Cant do the thing #like carrying 8+ ft long boards that each weigh a stupid amount down the stairs #maneuvering them is awkward for me bc i am smaller!! and dont have the same strength level. but LET ME DO IT BC I CAN #anyways #friend mostly assumes i CAN do the thing but also will just take over bc he can do it faster #which. i get bc i do that to others too oops but i know its a bit annoying #I'm working on it ig #anyway!! :D #i guess i will need a new colorful button down shirt :D

[magdaclaire]

these are about to be my thirteenth reason

#suicide ment #sui cw #but sincerely i am trying to fucking work. i'm so frustrated #not as frustrated as the other day! cried the other day! but im also coming off the tail end of my period so #the other day was the beginning of it and i was. Emotional. it was exasperating #mer rambles #i forget how to turn off reblogs but just don't reblog this ok trust system

[trash-nerd]

i swear to god if one more fucking member screams at me for nothing im fucking quitting

#i'm stuck in the trash #FUCK this job #i hate customer service #i hate customers #i hate you if you call in just to be an asshole and scream at someone #like fucking hell im not a complaint line ok??? #if u call in and have a problem and are frustrated but dont yell at me we are fine im happy to help #but the moment u yell at me for shit i have no control over were done #wrote this cunts name down and if she calls me again im disconnecting idc #put in a new job app for claims exaimining hope it goes well #new company too bc fuck this one after this merger its been shit #me and 2 other coworkers are thinkg abt quitting lmao #it just sucks!!! #like i get med ins sucks anyway but we can help u so long as u dont like start in screaming!!! #and just relaize if ur coverage is thru ur employer??? THEY control ur plan NOT US #your plan has high ded and crap coverage??? ur employer thinks ur health isnt important. everything needs auth? they dont want to cover it #its not the ins company for once with self funded plans. this is why universe health ins is a GOOD THING

[swordcoasts]

,

#i'm so. frustrated with a friend #every time i share something positive (like stuff i've learned in therapy that's been making me feel less shit abt myself or today the #masters acceptance thing) #she just counters it with some variety of 'wow good for you it's such a shame im such a useless piece of shit and would be better off dead' #and like. firstly not everything HAS to be about you this is so fucking. rude. idk. i don't expect confetti and celebrations but you could #at least pretend you care about other people lmao #secondly everyone around her (including HER OWN THERAPIST) has been telling her that negative self talk is a self fulfilling prophecy and #she could at least TRY to work on it but she's just not willing to even try #idk i'm so tired of this constant barrage of 'woe is me AND ONLY ME' #don't get me wrong i know mental illness isn't cured by just 'thinking positively' or w/e but there comes a point at which you need to be #willing to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING AT ALL to get better #ok i needed to get this rant out of my system thank u if u read through this jumbled mess ily #misc #dee.txt

[strwbrymlkshake]

VIOLENCE death killing maiming I want to talk to him so bad there is such a heavy weight on my chest (that's bad)

I need to talk to him I need to hang out with him I need him to comfort me auswjfjelfkl

#mine #🎸 #AAAAAAAHHH im gonna cry im killing and maimingand mutilating im so frustrated i dont want anything else besides him #uuuuuagh i hate this feeling does not feel good at all i need to talk to him now i dont care about anything else<3 #frustrated very frustrated uwhedkflel im getting so. angry? like i want to kill something<3??? aahaaa a I'm getting violent again #why wont you talk to ME and just me you already talk to them all the time just talk to me alone!!!!!!! they dont need you as bad as i do #not even half as much!!!! why. they arent as dedicated as me #idk im just so frustrated im crying a little bit i need him so bad im angry im HWHEJD i need to crawl out of my flesh #ok i spiraled out of control

[saltycharacters]

sorry if I word this weird, but how do you go by finalizing your ocs? all of my "ocs" are pretty much just concepts.

Well, I guess my advice is to hold a philosophy that as long as an oc is with you, there's never gonna be a true "final" design/story/personality/etc for them- they're gonna be changing and have many different stages as long as time goes on, which means if you don't feel like something is perfect at the moment then it's no big deal and it'll come to you later. It's how I don't stress over making perfect designs or refs, there are times where I feel something is missing but I don't worry about figuring that part out right at that moment and just draw whatever I feel like. Same with personalities/story, a lot of my ocs have a ton missing in that aspect but I don't rush to have it all figured out, I just come back to them whenever I feel like it. I hope that helps!

#a recent example is that I'm not happy with Pyrites design but i just drew what i had in my head and am setting that aside #until i come up with something i like better im ok with what i got #something that also helps is just doodling little concepts or parts of the oc and then cutting them out and collaging them together #i have a bunch of folders and binders of my oc idea collages. its super relaxing to work on and sometimes i get a new idea #just. take things at your own pace and try not to let your frustration prevent you from making content for that oc #not everything is gonna come to you at once. its a lot more fun to just wait for the puzzle pieces to come to you slowly