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the-sun--will--rise · 3 years

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Content warning: suicide, self harm, hospitalization

This is just me venting you really don’t have to read but at this point this is my diary haha

Oh you know what time of year it iiissss

Ok this is not the time to be excited i just dont know how to be serious

It’s October 20 so you know what this is about (except no one does because im not sure i wrote anything last year and it used to be April 15) anyway, its been 2 years since “the incident” otherwise know as when i tried to kill myself and then three days later dropped off the face of the earth and told no one.

I really really hate that this is something in writing, but also I really want to, i like being able to look back at these and see where I was at and it gives me a place to reflect, honestly I should just put this in a journal or something but its a bit of a tradition at this point, and i type faster than I can write so I can get my thoughts out quicker this way. I was really hoping that April 2020 i would be able to say that I had gone 5 years and that this wasn’t something i needed to think about anymore (because on the 4 year one i said that, that i wasn’t sure if thinking about it every year was helpful anymore) but here we are 2 years again (and 6 so that’s fun im old).

I have a lot to say, a LOT has changed, big one pandemic. It feels weird because now it almost feels like everything before the pandemic is really far away and sometimes I can’t really think about living like that, not that my life is so so different (thankfully) but just a lot of little things and I think just everything happening all at once and then being home for a year and being so scared all the time is really weird. I’m not super good at remembering things or being able to put myself in my past selfs place anyway if that even makes sense, so its strange to think back on things from before the pandemic, when I was in undergrad and all that.

Updates: I moved to England, this is the fourth city I’ve lived in in four years and the third continent so that’s fun and honestly what i wanted for a long time, so with that im really happy, and I’m in grad school which was something i never reallly thought about until college, but im happy to be here, even if school is hard and stressful and lonely sometimes, I’m studying things I really enjoy and i really like being in school, i know that makes me kind of a loser or whatever but I just really like writing and studying so im having a good time.

I think (and change of tone here) the hardest part of thinking back and reflecting on the past two years is feeling like all the bad things that happened to me are a result of what i did then and that i could have prevented everything and not knowing how much was inevitable and how much i could have prevented. Like could i have prevented the migraines if I hadn’t taken as much of what i did as i did, if it hadn’t been for being on all those medications that i never wanted to be on and never helped? Would i have gotten celiac if I hadn’t been so nauseous from the migraines which led to an eating disorder, if i had just not gotten it would it never have happened? Because as grateful as i am that my life is going so well and that i get to be back in school and everything, things are harder now, its harder to study because im in pain so often, there’s no much I can’t eat and im so afraid that i wont be able to go to china next year because i wont be able to avoid gluten on top of all the other things I can’t eat. I’m just so scared that i made the rest of my life worse and it just feels like i never should have asked for help that i would have been better off if id just kept it to myself. I know realistically that it was only going to get worse if id already attempted twice at that point i was going to try again and maybe it would have been even worse, and i know that it wasn’t the right move to make me go to the hospital within 30 minutes of meeting me the school counselors should not have gone to such extremes so fast and i was told that they wouldn’t keep me and i was told that it would help and that people cared and they didn’t they didn’t help, there was no therapy, they made me take anti-depressants without even knowing if i had depression, they wouldn’t let me take my regular medicine, they just had everyone sit in a room all day and do nothing and there was no privacy and no one asked what was wrong or tried to help you get better, they just wanted you to stay (so they could make money?). I know i was failed and I know that the mental health system in general fails people and it fails people a lot worse than it did me, but i still blame myself. I also feel so guilty for what i put everyone else through so i feel like I shouldn’t get to complain (but im going to anyway because this is me venting) but I just didn’t say anything

and when R said that when she got my one text (i was told id be able to talk to people properly, another lie) and i said i was in the hospital that she suspected that’s what had happened, even if I didn’t say why i was there. I just wonder how long they knew something was wrong and if they were worried for a long time because i know i was a mess for week, i kept having panic attacks and I wasn’t eating and i was drinking too much and they asked if i was self harming still so i know they saw and im so sorry to them i thought i was hiding it better and i never wanted to put them through all that and i think sometimes if i had killed myself what would they have thought and then i just disappeared and they didn’t know where id gone and they told my parents and they had police involved and everything im just so sorry that i worried everyone and i hope they dont still think about it.

I spent weeks afterwards afraid to sleep because i was afraid id wake up there again and I couldn’t eat certain food because the smell would take me back and i was so anxious anytime anything reminded me of it its so stupid its not like anyone hurt me i was in a room for four days, it wasn’t that big a deal but i think it was all just so sudden and so not what i was expecting i thought at least now ill get help now i wont have to hurt anymore but all it did was make everything so much worse and no one will talk about it, my parents acted all weird and evasive and i made my dad cry, which he never does

I hate that i hurt people and i dont know how to make it better and i dont want to make things about me, especially when i think for a while after they were worried about me, especially when i was having a really bad time after and i was freaking out and not eating and the weird hallucinations like i know it was worrying to people and i freaked them out and it shouldn’t have been about me, i should have been there for them and i should never have hurt them but I can’t undo it and i dont want to bring it up

i was just going through my calendar from 2019 because i wanted to see if id even gotten the right day (i had) and its so wild how much time has passed ALSO i have things in my calendar that i never went to and that’s really weird, like i have all the dates for tech for the show i was supposed to be doing the lighting for, which I never went to (obviously) and they didn’t want to me have anything to do with it even when i got back (which to be fair was half way through tech week, though they were always very well support you no matter what mental health is important, until it’s inconvenient, but oh well)

Anyway, i feel weird, like my chest feels weird thinking about that time, it was so fucking scary and it seems so far away but i know it still affects me and i dont know how to make it stop

And now i see so many people on TikTok (so not a representative sample but whatever) talking about wanting a “grippy sock vacation” and things like that and even just typing that makes me so anxious i kind of feel like crying. I think its just so weird to me that people would want that or that they thought it was helpful and would want to go again because that was so completely not my experience. Not to get myself in trouble again, but if someone even suggested that to me (notice that I can’t even say the words :p) i would just run and not stop im serious i will never ever go through that again

I dont have any trust in getting better or getting help anymore and i know that’s not super healthy but im so afraid and I’ve had so many therapists (though a lot of them through apps) who were so completely unhelpful and some that made things worse that i kind of dont want to put myself through all that again, even if i know it would help to talk about things. I dont want to be a burden to people

I know im not doing that well and the second i stop being busy all the time and actually think about things I’ll regret it but right now im busy and distracted so im doing ok. On one hand i know its going to get that bad again because it always does, but on the other hand i spent the last year of the precipice of it being that bad and it never really was and im determined to not let it get that bad while in in school so maybe it wont be i dont know i really hope it doesnt. I just know that what im doing right now isn’t healthy and the amount that i feel completely different around different people and the amount that im not aware of things going on around me (like how much time has passed or how im forgetting things as soon as they happen) isn’t healthy, its been going on for over two years and i dont really know how to fix it or what to do.

I tried to make an appointment with the student counseling services (because that was such a great idea last time) but they said they dont have availabilities so basically just wait which i get but also right now i think a lot of people are going to need help so maybe get more people? I know they can afford it

So I’ve written a novel and i honestly dont even remember what i wrote so imma end it here, i have hope- there are times when im really happy but im also worried that none of this is sustainable and im keeping myself busy and distracted so i dont have to deal with anything and something is going to snap soon- also i need to be more present in my own life otherwise im going to miss something important (please dont let that be an omen jeez)

#me #dont listen #don’t listen #suicide #self harm #Ed #haha im a mess and it keeps getting worse but also maybe its slowly getting better

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hoesidon · 7 years

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Klance Fic Recs:

A mutual of mine @ichaotic-neutrali wanted some fic recs so here’s some of my favorites. If anyone has any recommendations please feel free to add on!

The Ultimate Wingman: by luna_fox Summary: Lance and Hunk have moved in to the new student apartments at Garrison University called The V at Garrison. Living on their floor, they meet and befriend their neighbors: Pidge, a child prodigy in robotics. Matt, Allura, and Shiro, life time friends with the boys watching over their siblings. And Keith, the anti-social boy who hates change. As time progresses, they all become friends and Lance finally finds someone to help him explore his bisexuality - his gay neighbor Keith. They strike a deal = Lance helps Keith find a social life while Keith becomes Lance's wingman, but what happens when both men realize that their deal has become more complicated than they expected. Words: 60,290 Chapters: 11/?

The Ties That Bind by: Smiles4Voltron, Weirdpersonhere Summary: Lance fell hard at Garrison, unable to stop himself from adoring his rival. However, when Kerberos went missing Keith changed. Through time, Lance got over his broken heart, swearing to never allow himself to get hurt like that again. So how come he is falling for the same tricks a year later when he is reunited with Keith and the two of them get chosen to save the Universe through Voltron! Words: 71,750 Chapters: 12/?

Blueprints by: UnderTheSilentStars Summary: "While soulmarks themselves were common, it was rare for someone to have anything other than the name of their other half...and Lance had a red paw print." Soulmark Au Words: 39,204 Chapters: 23/?

So Anyway, Here's Wonderwall by: fairietailed, themuffintitan Summary: Lance can't seem to look anywhere but Keith as he performs. He doesn’t bother trying to hear the music over the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. -- In which Keith is a bassist and Lance is weak. Words: 59,166 Chapters: 15/?

Ignorance Is Bliss by: YouAreInAComaWakeUp (Nikanaiko) Summary: As it turns out, learning that your house is haunted makes the ghosts a lot more aggressive. Who knew? Ah, well. At least one of them is hot. And he's the less-evil one, too, so that's always a plus. Words: 6,443 Chapters: 1/?

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things by: Acequisitor Summary: Wine Aunt: Oh shit Hunkin' Donuts: Great googly moogly Space Dad™: Well that's enough for today Nigel Cornberry: I leave for 20 minutes and this is what I come back to? Nigel Cornberry: Can you kids relax for just one minute? Words: 18, 002 Chapters: 7/?

Lonely Will Wait by: ciuucalata Summary: “I should get rid of these fucking stars,” he mumbles getting out of bed. Like usually he opens his window blinds, letting in the warm summer wind and the light that steals the stars’ glow. He put them up twelve- maybe thirteen years ago, when he first started to have the dreams(memories?) and when they still reminded him of a time when he was a hero together with a group of strangers that felt like family. They make falling asleep easier at night, just like they did back then, but the panic and the helplessness that he feels every morning are no longer worth it. (or the one with the reincarnation where Lance is the only one who remembers but doesn't let it get in the way of him finally having a normal life with his old family) Words: 5,582 Chapters: 1/?

True Love or Something (series) by: DeerstalkerDeathFrisbee Words: 84,347 Works: 20 Complete: No

The Volton Chat Fic No One Asked For by: fleep Summary: dont hunk with my heart: did u really photoshop ur face over a man in a chicken costume running from the police keith is fine: thats pidge hunk pidge is the police dont hunk with my heart: howd u make that so fast lancemememachine: ive had this saved up for an occasion like this Nobody asked for this Words: 15,039 Chapters: 13/?

legendary meme defenders by: Kitsune300 Summary: getting bi: gbfyhed guys Im dead getting bi: you might as well plan my funeral space dad: hello dead, I’m dad getting bi: SHRIO STFU smol and ready to brawl: lance that is no way to speak to your father Words: 34,441 Chapters: 25/?

Power-kick by: Johnny_kun Summary: “I am so sorry, you just fell so hard for me and I feel bad about it now.” Lance had to admit that his pick-up lines were getting better.

“Did you kick the ball?! Purposely at me?” The black haired man asked, voice laced with annoyance as he got up, ignoring Lance’s offered hand for help.

“It was an accident, really. I was showing my children how to do a power-kick.” Lance’s flirty smile didn’t change the unimpressed expression on the stranger’s face.

“You should show them how to apologize now.” Words: 42,994 Chapters: 16/?

Spaghettification and Other Extreme Sports by: SociopathicAngel Summary: During their final battle with Zarkon and the Galra Empire, Zarkon creates a black hole capable of destroying the universe. Lance sacrifices himself and Blue in order to stop it... and ends up in an alternate universe where everything is just a bit not right Words: 17,978 Chapters: 4/4

The Quiet by: MilkTeaMiku Summary: Does he not realise he's dead?

Keith can see ghosts. As a part of his Garrison training, he's sent to a hospital to do one year of medical clerkship - it's there that he meets a charmingly irritating ghost who definitely needs to learn what boundaries are. Words: 34,500 Chapters: 17/?

Foreign Scenes by: bwyn Summary: Lance has been dreaming of travelling since the first time he heard stories from his family as a child. Now, having finally the time and money to do it, he goes on a trip to Europe to see some of the most culturally rich cities on the continent. Except he keeps bumping into the same guy over and over again, in random cities, doing stupid shit, and ultimately dragging Lance into his trouble, too.

Basically an AU in which Lance and Keith become impromptu travel buddies and get into trouble. Words: 51,334 Chapters: 7/12

If Fireflies Cast Shadows by: Sasaina_Ai Summary: You'd think finding your soulmate would be difficult, since there's only one of them and over seven trillion people in the world. Thankfully, God decided to take pity on his creations, and gave each person the very first words their soulmate would say to them. It was always in their personalized handwriting and the color that best describe them, decorating the wrist of your dominant hand. And, if you touch it after you meet them, you can send them your emotions, even thoughts if your connection is strong enough.

And that's all fine and dandy - except it isn't.

Because Lance McClain, the fun-loving guy with groan-inducing puns and pick-up lines that never work, who's six-foot one with a good attitude and a hundred friends, has the words "Don't fucking touch me, asshole" scribbled in messy red letters on his left wrist. Words: 50,378 Chapters: 3/?

Botched Ink by: Syremia Summary: "Your soulmate is that who shares the same symbol on their skin as yours." Was all Lance had been teached since a young age. He was the only one in his large group of friends to not have a symbol of his own. Just as he thought he was gonna live alone until he met Keith in a bar. The problem was that Keith already had a symbol of his own. (Warning: Various mentions of heavy drinking ahead) Words: 14,977 Chapters: 4/?

Kiss My Ice by: delictor Summary: Lance hasn't skated in a year since the accident that cost him the Olympics. Keith can't skate for shit but that doesn't stop him from catching Lance's attention, even when he can't so much as stand up after falling on the ice. 'When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.'“Soon as we're off this ice you're dead.” Keith's threat is an empty one and he knows Lance can tell by the way he laughs at it. “Serious question though, do you not know who I am?” Lance questions. “Should I?” “No, I guess not.” Lance shrugs. “I'm gonna twirl you, okay?” “No, no don't—wait!” Keith cries out as he's suddenly viewing the entire arena and his legs go rigid before colliding into Lance's chest, his chest rising and falling with laughter, hands gripping Keith's upper arms gently. “Put me back on land.” “Technically, we are on land.” “We're on frozen water, get me off it.” Words: 40,250 Chapters: 6/10

Entangled by: mackerelmademedoit Summary: When Keith found himself mentally linked to Lance of all people, he never thought that it would end in anything but irritation and misery on both sides. He certainly never imagined that it would be a useful asset in team Voltron's fight against the Galra Empire. Now if he can just keep his feelings in check, they might actually have a chance at defeating Zarkon.Needless to say, when he'd wished for a 'bonding moment' with Lance, this wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind.(Eventual romance and mature content for later chapters). Words: 80,975 Chapters: 11/12

Crossroads by: manamune Summary: When Keith crashed his Lion into a Galra warship in order to stop it from destroying a solar system, and more importantly, his friends, he was fully prepared to die for it.What he didn’t prepare for was to wake up in an alternate universe where he and Lance were dating. Words: 106,833 Chapters: 25/25

Of booty shorts and Injuries by: Queerswimming Summary: Keith is sure that he’s having a heart attack. Or that he hurt his brain when he fell earlier. Because it’s simply not possible that the boy who’s sitting next to him is not a hallucination. How could someone so gorgeous just sit in an emergency room at night?"Keith and Lance unexpectantly meet at the emergency room in the middle of the night. Words: 19,220 Chapters: 3/?

Loving Him Was Red by: Resamille Summary: Loving him was red, just like the suit Lance now wears in Keith’s absence. Words: 4,135 Chapters: 1/1

Stowaway by: glubsauce Summary: When Lance finds a handsome stranger hiding in the backseat of his Jeep on the way to Pidge's birthday party, he can't help but wonder what his story is. Luckily for him, after he drops him off at his destination, he quickly gets revisited.

Lance is a bi college student who lets Keith, a dfab genderfluid 21 year-old, stay at his apartment after Keith runs away from home. Words: 27,109 Chapters: 9/?

you never stood a chance by: kagshina Summary: lance to hunk ♡ >i’m gonna fukin die hunk oh mygod i sent >keith a work out selfie that i wan supposed to fcukin send to you and you know what it said >”BET YOU WANNA LICK THESE NIPS” >HUNK I WILL NEVE BE ABLE TO FCE HIM AGAIN I WANT TO DI E(Or, Keith is beautiful, Lance has a crush, and there's lots of shirtless selfies) Words: 12,221 Chapters: 1/1

little numbers by: ashtxns Summary: brolance: keith is officially CANCELLED Words: 22,202 Chapters: 23/?

Better than coffee by peralta Summary: When Lance tries to curb his coffee addiction by replacing it with boba, he can’t help but linger around a perpetually grumpy-looking employee who works at the nearby teahouse. Keith, despite all the Yelp reviews, turns out to be surprisingly kind. Lance starts coming every day—although he insists it’s only for the boba.

And to complain about the customer service, of course. Words: 14,805 Chapters: 3/?

nothing's quite as sweet by dimpleforyourthoughts, thebrotherswinchester Summary: Keith is a barista who hates his job. Lance works at the cat shelter across the street. Words: 50,370 Chapters: 1/1

Infection by: Talinor Summary: "Citizens are advised to stay inside at all costs until the infection is under control," Nyma's voice was slightly stronger when she spoke up again. "And if you come across a possibly infected individual, do not- I repeat, do not- come into contact with them. This infection is reported to be highly contagious. If you see someone you believe is infected, stay away and report them immediately. Officers will come to take them to the nearest vacant hospital as soon as they can. Please try to remain calm, and lock your doors." Words: 20,615 Chapters: 5/?

Six Feet Over by: freshia Summary: "And, right, of course. He hadn't told Pidge—or Hunk, actually, who was sitting on the other side of the table from him—because somehow “I see dead people” just doesn't quite have the same effect that it surely had before 1999. Go figure."

Lance Sanchez sees ghosts. Lance Sanchez also tries his best to avoid ghosts, until he literally can't, because his new apartment is inhabited by one very confused ghost named Keith. Words: 47,313 Chapters: 13/?

Sweet Tooth by: Huletty Summary: Lance took a breath and walked forward through the swinging door. He kept his mind focused on one task. Get those damn pastries. Don’t look at anything but the pastries, don’t touch anything but the pastries, don’t speak to anything but the pastries. Don’t even glance at the kid with the mullet, who was currently putting frosting on a new batch of cookies, pink tongue slightly sticking out of his mouth in concentration. 'What I would do to have that tongue on my- The pastries!' Lance jerked his vision away and back to the cart full of stacked trays.

Otherwise known as the Bakery/Cafe/Pastry Shop AU this fandom needs but probably not the one it deserves. Words: 11,175 Chapters: 5/?

Team Voltron: a group chat by: Castielwinchestar Summary: This is absolute trash with a kinda-sorta plot it's so much fun and I'm basically writing my interpretation of the entire Voltron Team on crack so please read this I promise you won't be disappointed <3 Words: 21,602 Chapters: 20/?

Skinny band nerd takes it up the ass from the beefcake football captain (series) by: Lynn1998 Words: 42,730 Works: 6 Complete: No

To the Universe and Back with You by: manamune Summary: Lance and Keith were friends with benefits slash tentative boyfriends when the Galra empire fell. And just when their real relationship was starting to begin, Keith took off without a word, leaving Lance with a broken heart and a whole lot of resentment.

Fast forward seven years later and Lance is the only paladin living on Earth, with his cat Peaches for company. It’s not perfect, but he’s happy.

That is, until Shiro summons them to form Voltron again and Lance has to face his greatest fear: the past. Words:10,100 Chapters: 1/3

Nightmares by: Trashness Summary: Lance's nightmares are getting out of control. It's effecting his and the team's performance, but he's at a loss for how to fix this.

Apparently sleeping next to a warm body helps. Words: 14,864 Chapters: 1/1

#fic recs #Voltron #klance

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