#im uh. well im not doing so well rn

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

#im uh. well im not doing so well rn #im a touch depressed #im hungry so i opened doordash to order something #but i almost dont want to #because the thought of leaving my bed is so difficult even if im leaving my bed for taco bell #yesterday and today were my weekend and ive been needing to shower for all of those days #but instead of showering today do you know what i did? would you like to know? #i layed down. i layed my head down like i was going to take a nap but i couldnt #so i just layed down with my eyes closed for three hours because i couldnt do anything else #i need to pick up some meds from the pharmacy. i havent been able to do it. i need to do so many things #but all i can do is lay in bed. completely numb. i dont feel a damn thing rn #i have an interview on monday for an opportunity that is really important and exciting. but i dont feel anything #no anxiety. no happiness. nothing #i dont have any anger or sadness or happiness inside of me even though i have so many reasons to feel all of that #but i can't feel. i can't get out of bed. i might call off of work tomorrow #maybe another day off will help me get stuff done. i doubt it but at least i wouldn't have to work #i called off two weeks ago too. i feel like I've become a bit of a disappointment at this job #i really like my boss. he took a chance by hiring me. but I'm probably disappointing him. i did that at my last job too #but this is a shitty job and definitely contributing to my depression #so i dont feel too bad #i might have a bit of a theory #yesterday and the day before yesterday i got a bunch of news that should make me angry and/or sad #really angry and/or sad. but yesterday my numbness started #i think maybe my brain is kind of shutting down all emotions so that i dont have to deal with the big ones i dont want to deal with #thats my theory at least. or maybe my mood stabilizers decided to stop working again. or maybe im not getting enough sun #the way to start healing would probably be to face those emptions but i really dont want to do that #i dont feel like a real person right now

[wasyago]

the brainrot won

#GUY S i know i haven't posted anything in a while and thats because im working on a big cool project that i really want to finish without- #distractions. but uh. as you can see. ive been distracted 😔. still working on it tho!!!! and im very happy with it turns out its just- #super time and energy consuming so ive tried to limit my intake of other media to not make myself want to draw other stuff #i also haven't read the last two (two already?????) chapters of RnS and im very sad about it and i want to read it but you know that if i- #read it ill want to make fanart and then ill never finish my project :( #SO. sorrey for the lack of art itll be coming when im free to draw!!!!!!! #but also. yes ive watched new life because i dont want to go insane with nothing but this project on my mind and umm. had to take a little- #break to do a couple designs for fun... and to switch it up a bit because for real im going insane i think #ALSO. friend got me into zelda botw and i haven't played a whole lot yet (because project) but ive tried to take some inspiration for- #designs from there. at least for joel and scott. everyone else not so much... #WELL ANYWAYS this is getting long. i should really stop rambling in the tags and just make separate posts for all this but i dont want to #umm. tags. #new life smp #smallishbeans #mythical sausage #geminitay #pearlescentmoon #smajor1995 #inthelittlewood #my art #sketch

[b4kuch1n]

ough brain is doing SO bad but sometimes. there are colors

#bakuspeech #WIP #cw: gore #the stuffed animal cartoon kind. but still #ask to tag #Im so fucking sorry I keep going like I will draw! (does not draw for three weeks #I. ngl Somethin is goin on up there. I finished writing a Thing and it doesnt solve that #I just. this is my capacitance really I think. I just gotta. accept it. work with it #its always so funny tho bc like I look at whatever it is Im drawing rn and its like hey this looks like shit! this looks ass #and then I keep drawing it. #like this piece is at Least two weeks into something thats supposed to be a pretty quick revised illus for #an old wizard leon design. and like if I werent Bit Off it wouldve stayed that way #instead. this is how its goin #I have not slept for 23 hours. I should uh. fix that #but yeah its just. my brain is wrappin itself around some new ideas n concepts n shit rn #like. I was really afraid I wouldnt be able to paint digitally if Im not on the screen tablet #and its kinda fuckin with me? like obviously I can. I am literally doing the exact same things Im doing on the screen tablet #but now on a graphic tablet #thats just. not getting thru to my brain yet. for some reason. its still generating goo n such #well! what is a guy to do. if not blastin off regardless #sorry. I really should sleep now #have a good night lads! this piece will be done when its done. I am NOT saying more I am not jinxing SHIT #u should change ur pillowcases! it really does send u to another realm

[soldier-poet-king]

Playing a drow in bg3 bc I love them and holy shit everyone is SO casually racist to my pc (even the tieflings!!! Another historically persecuted race!!! I expected it at least from the bitchy wood elf druid lady but the tieflings???)

#im literally only at the druid camp and everyone is SO mean>:( #im not even a lolth drow #fran plays bg3 #anyway it kinda fits with my backstory #drow taken by convent as a child and made into a paladin #and by taken i mean straight up stolen by self righteous humam assholes who have to save the evil drow children uwu #anywaym shes uh. confused abt everything. growing up in a convent to be a do gooder #but is like. actuallt. a selfish coward and doesnt wanna be that #so im multiclassing into pact of the fiend warlock #padlock multiclassing my beloved. what is cooler. NOTHING #party rn is just me astarion wyll and gale hanging out doing crimes while wyll and gale disapprove #oops :) #im having a blast :) truly will to live restored i am going to cause problems on purpose:3 #astarion/charis mutusl corruption arc. theyre gonns get worse AND better at the same time #also gale keeps giving me whiplash bc he sounds SOOO much like greg ellis as anders in da awakenings #its NOT him i googled it #but damn this man sounds like cullen as anders FOR REAL #hes kinda hot in a definitely keeping secrets but also magic way #him and periklea would get along soooo well

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the desire to do comms vs my inability to remember that i got a message FIGHT-

#its like 'oh a message! i will respond later' #and then later never comes cause i have no damn object permanence Or working memory #then its like... what do i even say #'hi sorry i ghosted your simple question for two days i forgot you messaged me' AGH #or especially lately #i mean to do things and then i get a New piece of distressing information about the way my life is going #which then consumes my thoughts and leaves no room for anything else #ahaha thanks! ill claw my eyes out now!! wow!!! FUCK! #trying to keep up the things i enjoy is. so tough rn #but ill flounder w/o em so! hard work that i am mostly failing at but i Keep Trying #yes i wanna do comms. yes i wanna draw. yes i wanna talk to people. can i? mmmmm...... #can't wait for this chapter in my life to be over. goddamn. #ive been in a perpetual state of intense stress since early childhood #but my fucking duck things lately have been taking the cake #absolutely unprompted #oh no this is turning into a vent post Look Away #well my mother called again last night and was all 'im getting you a car' #and uh. i started physically shaking while profusely thanking her (lying through me teeth) #GIRL!!! I DONT NEED A CAR THATS TOO MUCH RN!!! #she's always mentioning how the collective We are tight on money #and that rn i need to focus on making decisions and getting a job ill hold for like. a month #and then she slams this down outta left field??? thats so much extra stress i dont need right now??? #now i gotta worry about parking and maintaining it and gas money i dont have And And And- #i cant exactly tell her Dont Fucking Do That bc then she'll blow up in my face and call me inconsiderate & ungrateful again #me and my stepdad dont have the fucking TIME to get one! and then she was like 'oh i can always come down to help' #please dont. do not do that. i cant deal with you in person right now that sounds hellish #anyway. case in point #cant even think about messages and stuff i Want to think about bc all this bullshit is taking up my entire mind #metaphorically slamming my face into a brick wall till theres nothing left. aaaghhahsbkjadadj #its too much its Too Much everything is so much and its too much and can i be let be for two fuckin seconds please

[why-the-heck-not]

hate hate hate the feeling of turning in a part of an assignment and being hella embarrased abt how it is :3 like, feeling someone’s just gonna email me like ”hey?? what the fuck ??? what are u doing here this is garbage” like yeah dude i dont know what to tell you, things did not go well this week

#doing one that’s like a bigger thing but has weekly deadlines #and this week hasn’t been good for that so it’s like very fucking pathetic of how little I got done #and it’s all basically shit anyways like i know it doesn’t work and won’t work with the way I’m going about it #also I’m only submitting the previous version bc i don’t even fuckin know what’s going on with this current one #like the code’s all bad and all over the place and I have no clue where i’m trying to go with it #so it’s like i basically didn’t get shit done this week #only made myself more confused #i need to take a step back and like really fuckin think what I’m going to do with this bc it’ll just get worse if I just keep trying to go #with this shitty thing i have on my hands rn #and also im like over an hour late already bc gotta write a weekly report and idk what the fuck to say like #’’oops sorry dude it’s shit rn i have no clue what’s going on but also dont have anything i could ask help with bc im too confused so it’s #just uhh this thing now; a mess <3’’ #the way i’ve been handling this course like ?? uh oh will i ever have the audacity to step a foot to my campus ever again lol #yes im now writing this to procrastinate writing that weekly report thing #ughhh yes im hella positive rn all is shit #(also there was parliamentary election today and it didn’t end well so that might be why everything feels 5x more shitty rn) #april 2023 #2023

[frecklystars]

nightmares have rendered me unable to sleep once again so i've been dancing in my room to Elvis music pretending K is dancing w/ me for the past 45 minutes. I think it'd be his way of trying to make me feel better. he isn't very experienced with comforting others but he hears me gasp awake, hears me crying. he knows the drill by now. he immediately gets up. takes my hands and pulls me out of bed. asks me if i want to talk about it, and if i don't, he turns on some music and swirls us around. he mimics elvis' voice while singing to the songs, knowing it'll make me laugh. when i finally do, he's smiling, saying very gently "there you are, sweetheart... there's my girl"

#its funny he doesnt even listen to elvis in his downtime in canon and he's become synonymous w/ his music in my mind #im so tempted to draw him in a black leather jacket and me in a poodle skirt #sharing a milkshake at the diner. OH GOD WAIT i want to draw me and Driver doing that #i need my F/Os more than ever rn it's gonna be uh. a difficult day bc i gotta work soon #and im running on VERY little sleep 😭 #i didnt sleep for 60 hours straight and then i only slept for 2 hours just now and i jolted awake #and i cant sleep again ;~; #but thank god i have ryan F/Os to think about when i jolt awake now #my dolls or my posters being the first thing i see when i wake up scared. is comforting #every tme i blink my eyes burn but it feels better knowing Driver would understand... or Six would get it bc he has c-ptsd too #i need them to hug me so tight. augh. hell on earth i wanna sleep so bad #IM FINE i dont mean to complain. well yes i do. im running on such little sleep my thoughts are all over the place #woof #love notes #💕♬♪ ♡ I can't help falling in love with you ☆- ̗̀💛 ̖́-☆ #vent #I GUESS?

[neo-shitty]

finally catching up with bsd after one hell of a month (+ midterms) 🫠

#bsd spoilers #updates for ep 2 :3 #right off the bat all i can just say is fukuchi is such a well-written villain; while i can’t completely emphathize with his plan yet #i have to applaud him (uh and asagiri too) bc that’s quite a villain to fear—he’s already in a position of power that puts him in a major #advantage compared to the ada; it’s like he masterminded this whole thing to lead up to this but WHY (idk if i just forgot) #point and case: i hate him and im always terrified of his next move but damn he’s such a well-written antagonist i can’t even 🤐 #ATSUSHI GET OFF THAT FUCKING BOAT RN WHY DID IT HAPPEN SO EARLY INTO THE SEASON IM CRY WAIT NO #fukuchi pointing out that ranpo is just jealous that he and fukuzawa way back is just so adorable made me forget what happens next haha #how come i dont remember these cute moments from the manga 😩 #god im stalling so much :(( i hate it i hate it i hate it #the reveal was so… he should’ve deducted this shit sooner (objectively the build up was so nice hsjdhdj) #MY JAW DROPPED THEN AND IT STILL HAPPENED NOW :))))) #ok fukuchi in his complete villain mode is kinda 😗 #watching this after being detached to bsd in general is so much better bc i can now appreciate the whole thing as is without much bias??? #THE WAY HE JUST TURNED COLD ALL OF A SUDDEN AND I OOP— 😗😗😗😗😗 #oh both canon and beast atsushi and their paralyzing fears :(( my heart actually hurts #ATSUSHI THINKING HE’S ALONE ANDDDDDD #OH MY GOD I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE MY SSKK #I CANT WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE #toff.txt

[ribbononline]

Incredibly amused by the fact that once the new Kris drops my sun and rain teams in Pokémon masters are entirely made up of opposing matching pairs

#hoenn villain leaders. hoenn protags. the girl johto protags. its all working out #do i tag this #i guess #pokemas #magma leader maxie #aqua leader archie #trainer may #trainer brendan #trainer lyra #trainer kris #the reason only lryra and may are in their ex colors is uh #well theres no real reason #ive had lyra 20/20 for ages so im very excited abt her ex finally dropping n the colors are adorable #n may being in her ex colors lets her match w the blue the rest of the team has going for m #in reality theyre all exed on my actual team tho www #rn ssblue is my rain tank but sskris has that se!up that i RLLY want for archie so

[hecksupremechips]

Teehee I got hugged today 🥰

#the klock keeps ticking #it was literally like 2 seconds but idk im like WOOOOO #like it wasnt long enough for me to be all satisfied touch wise nah im so starved itd take all night and day man #and also this particular person is uh. very special ahem. and it was like #i wrapped my arms around them best I could and i could just feel their hips and like their body squish under my hands #cuz theyre so squishy and sturdy at the same time it felt safe and its like. thats really scary actually #ive never ever felt safe hugging anyone this kinda thing is brand new to me #touch in general is new to me. at least consensual touch that i wanted and initiated #and i just felt really nervous cuz like i really love this person but sometimes its hard cuz like ‘guys’ dont hug each other often #or at least not in a case like this where we’re friends but theres this sorta avoidance around anything romantic #cuz we’re both very awkward and also uh. trying not to cross certain boundaries just yet we need time #but unfortunately im so aaaaa rn and touch starved and i was like im just gonna bite the bullet and ask if we can hug LIKE A DAMN GAY ASS #its like fuck i may as well propose marriage and get on all fours while im at it aaghhhhh why am i like this #but it was fine they werent weirded out or anything. not visibly anyway. and they hugged me!!! #me! of all people! im like so happy we got to hug but im also really pissed cuz it was really brief and i didnt get to memorize how they #felt and now im just like grrrrr. fucking tease why must i be so tortured i get the smallest taste and then poof its gone #i just wanna cuddle and hug them for hours and pull their hair and feel their body all over and uhhhhhhhhh #ahem. i may be getting too gay here huh. damn itttt. fuck me. how do you ask your mate if you can explore bodies #in a way that definitely isnt platonic without making things weird

[phoebified]

ngl i'm still mad as fuck the majority of ssoblr gave me a huge eye roll and the middle finger and a wet booger when i pointed out the racism in the dark riders, esp w chiyo's design. i know i'm a broken record but honestly fuck every single person who sat around and rolled their eyes rather than asking questions when i easily could've -- AND DID -- fucking explain it. and chiyo isn't even the worst one, but she was the one i was most jarred by the reveal of and also the one i was able to give input on BEFORE she went out; my notes on the other dark riders flat out got ignored i'm pretty sure. you can't have a discussion on sabine's design without some lonely person saying "But she's hot tho" which is about as helpful as restocking a bathroom with sandpaper instead of tp

#also theres something fucking astonishing about being jewish and japanese and trying to point out how racist the designs are #and then turning around and seeing people who are not jewish in any capacity fucking white knighting and getting like #WAYYYYYY too comfortable in the way they talk about antisemitism. like it wasnt bad but it was way too familiar like #okay i do not need you to act like that i appreciate the enthusiasm but you are being so much rn #this is not to say i dont appreciate it bc i do. i'm very bad at being jewish so im glad ppl r willing to step up about it #But still. Familiarity. a few posts i saw were like. just. so odd. #n this is funny bc usually in my experience its easier to explain racism than antisemitism so its uh. well #at the very least interesting to see the flip

[b4kuch1n]

haha! bit ill

#bakuspeech #delete later #I definitely don't have a fever my forehead doesn't feel that hot (thermometer shows 38.6 degree c) well #this is a bit of a high fever for a cold I think. so I might be in for the A virus goin around rn #Ive headed it of when my throat started hurting so Im not coughing a lot #and the guideline says stay home until I get worried. and I made my own food today so Im not worried yet lol #but yeah tldr: sick. not a major chance of it getting worse but I'm keepin an eye on it #so uh. wont be talking much for the next week probably! not that I say a lot nowadays lmao #dont worry about me. I do miss drawing tho have to sit out of drawing yet again.... auuuu #cool story I'll tell u guys later. not now tho I gotta lay down probably #okay alright have a good night lads #we strong! we're strong! we chill n we'll get thru this

[agayconcept]

.

#wow ok so the new nurse practitioner im connected with is uh. The Worst Person #extremely discriminatory #doesnt give a fuck about her patients well being or health #wont do her job properly even when its fucking over said patients #is lazy as shit and tries to get out of doing any work whatsoever even just checking a fax #and has now screwed my healthcare over bc she's going on vacation for 2 weeks and DIDNT INFORM ME even tho i have tests scheduled #and am supposed to start meds that r extremely time sensitive #but now i just. Cannot access them bc she wont prescribe them before she leaves #so uh. ok. we're fuckin Done w this #gonna talk to my support worker tomorrow and explain and ask for a referral outside the program #which suuuucks bc that means said NP would have to do it and im sure she'll put up a fight but uh #ya no sweetie we r done w this #u hate disabled ppl and think my life and health is a joke #u have spent 3 weeks sabotaging any attempts i have made at getting adequate care and access to resources #genuinely and actually Fuck Off And Die #this is. truly infuriating i rly dont have words #like hooo boy if i had to quote some of the shit she's said and done y'all would be shocked #which is rly saying something considering the abysmal state of healthcare in most countries rn #aiyaiyai #Fuck This #i am. so so so done

[sweater-equestrian]

I might be retraining Roxy to ride this summer. pray for me.

#she thinks shes a bronc. now she CAN be a good trail horse and in the past her bucking has been saddle based #and ill be using a treeless so saddle fit shouldnt be an issue #but uh. shes by far the most advanced horse ive worked with and if i do ride her #easily the most advanced horse ive ridden as i am used to Calm Old Farts #shes probably. an advanced intermediate. #theyve tossed new riders on her and shes done ok? but she does throw attitude and isnt shy about bucking if you piss her off #and ive ridden a bucking horse Once because i rode romeo in a skirt and he hated it #and that was a very mild one #so im kinda excited. kinda think i might die. we will see #roxy is my buddy though. thats the advantage i have over other riders. we are besties. #now you may ask. why me? why give me this task? well #ive already had luck training her some basic skills / breaking her vices #and no one else wants to. everyones either got their own horse to deal with #dont want to train horses. or in the case of her owner. wants to sell her. #the barn owner (her owners mom) wants to keep her for trail riding but isnt into horse training #so in theory. thats my niche. #and then we would just pony romeo because hes old and out of shape and skinny #so. idk thats the idea. rn. early drafts. #ive gotten partial approval. waiting for the green light if you will.

[impostorsshow]

I love watching Tears of the Kingdom memories out of order /sarc /lh

It took my around 100 hours to even find out the tears were a thing and wondering wtf my mom was talking about when I kept asking for help on what to do but that aside, I had seen #1 and #2 in order, tried to find Tabatha stable for a good 2 hours and then decided to go take a break and got hit with #8, WHICH WAS LIKE GETTING HIT BY A TRAIN

#1: :0 time travel wow oh wait your my old grandparents

#2: "let's go to the castle dear and get some clean clothes"

#8: SHE'S DEAD AND GANON IS IN POWER AND YOUR FUCKING WIFE IS DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT RAARU

Also there's 18 memories?? Damn how the fuck is it gonna sucker punch me more than that fucking 180 in story but aside from that i. I really wish it gave you a little way to back out, like it tells you the memory of what your about to watch and if you wanna do it later, I wanted to watch them in order TT AND I STILL HAVENT FOUND TABANTHA STABLE

#once i lost a carton of milk in the fridge and genuinely stood there for like an hour i was later told trying to find it. and then #my roommate walked over and handed it to me in about 4 seconds so i am not surprised i cant find the stable #im gonna go use google now #im mostly posting since i realized i should make semi regular posts on this account for my own sanity even if its not s&m related #since im not really s&m related anymore aside from the occasional art i'll change my pfp to reflect that eventually #i want to start making zelda art but i would want to put ALOT of time learning a more realistic artstyle to be happy with that #and contrasingly im struggling to learn the really cartoony style of aga so uh. shit outta luck with all of my hyperfixations rn #i might make something genuine related to undertale in the meantime? i have some aus ive held incredibly close to my heart #talk talks #hmm okay yeah i should start using fandom tags but i dont want to clutter anything what do i do here #zelda ranch dip #hell if i'll remember that but i'll put it in my searchable tags as a hail mary #would anyone be interested in my wackass theory about how i think link is a witch #i have a giant ass rant in my discord i think as well as a few rants on the fae and the such #oh shit good tag to put in her actually right before i hit post #spoilers #totk spoilers #just in case cause i got spoilered a little bit? but i have really good luck and skill with avoiding spoilers about alot of games and #the only thing i really know is that zelda turns into the dragon..i think ive been told that was wrong but i might be being juked

[unganseylike]

omg did i tell u guys i got OSHA-violated on monday😅 i was like no hearing protection? im gonna go take my lunch😌

#only after being exposed to extremely damaging sounds for a bit tho :/ #was trying not to look like a uh pussy in front of ly #boss so i did bear it for a bit :/ yea im stupid i know. feel fine rn and think itll only be a problem w repeated exposure #(for those in bio: people were trying to lyse cells w sonicator but there was some issue so it was making the most awful sound on earth and #they were leaving the door of the machine open (which u shldnt do!!!) trying to figure out the issue. I was there bc attempting to help #i left upon maybe the third or fourth excruciating run) #ok actually i went to find them some headphones then left #ugh well u know what i say #things that dont happen in most academic careers #ur girls already been exposdd to radiation and carcinogens plenty what else can i check off #(this is why i think its silly when people are like oo aent u worried about a lab acquired infection. no bc i can just take antibiotics. #im more worried about cancer💁‍♀️)