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#in a way that means im a meaningful part of anyone's life so its just. yelling in the post editor i go and pretend it helps

cathartic-crypt · 1 month

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im continuing my benny posting by sharing my benny hcs. in no particular order. and very quickly typed up. enjoy ^_^

- tattooed. he has lots and lots and lots of tattoos from when he was a boot rider. all kinds of tattoos. some desert themed, some things based around him, some others depicting things he just likes. he doesnt mind them much nowadays, hes so used to them that he sees them as part of his skin. although hes a little bit iffy about showing others his old tattoos. hes got an image to upkeep after all - speaking of boot riders. he got a canine knocked out by bingo during their fight. so he got a gold one fitted shortly after he became the leader of the chairmen. and it glints like hell - he wears lots of gold jewellery. especially pre-war rings. he prefers engraved ones, ones with little images etched into the metal or ones with short messages rather than ones with gems. he also wears a cross necklace under his shirt - despite his gun and necklace...hes not christian. like at all. he doesnt care for religion and hasnt read anything about the engraving on his pistol or the meaning of necklace. he just likes how flashy and elaborate the imagery looks - by the time the courier rolls around hes 31. he's also 5'5". - he has a dad bod. i will personally fistfight anyone who draws him muscular and dehydrated. living the cushy and comfortable life of a casino boss means hes not some lean bodybuilder - however...thats not to say he ISNT strong or that hes unhealthy. he has a really high endurance, and can last for a long while out in the desert. also he doesnt like admitting it but hes probably a fraction better at straight up punching someone than shooting them at point blank range - since he was always outside and always doing something, he used to have super calloused hands. but again, casino life means theyre much more pampered and soft now - however hes still got one hell of a grip. he can very easily grab you by your shirt and throw you out of the front door without even breaking a sweat - hes Bi. theres literally no way he isnt, fuck you. BUT he really isnt one for meaningful romantic connections, he much prefers something quick with zero extra baggage (i.e. one night stands, friends with benefits) - hes super nosy. and almost terrifyingly good at recognising and remembering faces. he sees a new face in the tops that he doesnt instantly match to a regular? he needs to know their name. and then he promptly loses all interest because the mystery is lost and the people turn out to be, by all things considered, really fucking boring - even further...anyone who doesnt fall for his charismatic charm (or, even worse, doesnt care about his reputation) becomes a nuisance and he NEEDS to at least form some sort of impression on them, be it good or bad. like full on “if you dont form an opinion about me i will pull my own hair out” - he used to have an absolute love for geckos. he didnt tame them, he was more so inclined to hunt than to nurture, but he would feed scraps to the younger ones - which meant they began to follow him around from time to time... not anymore though. he thinks theyre dirty and brutish and a reflection of what it was like to be a boot rider - hes called Benny Boots (mockingly) by people around the strip. at least by those who knows about the three families past. other than that his last name is Gecko. he also personally calls himself Benny 'New Vegas' sometimes as a sort of boastful title because he thinks hes the shining face (not the heart, mind you - thats House) of the strip - hes a huge morning person. its something he picked up, and cant get rid of, from the boot rider days. he wakes up super early in the morning, rising with the sun - and hates sleeping in because he feels like hes wasting time. he goes to sleep pretty late, since new vegas is awake at night, but he doesnt feel tired. a couple hours of sleep is good enough for him.

#ooouoououh this was rlly fun to think abt ngl :3 #it talks #fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #benny gecko #fnv benny #benny fnv #benny new vegas #fallout headcanons #headcanon #head canon #bootriders #fnv the tops #the tops

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the-s1lly-corner · 8 months

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hiii could i get J, P, Q an U for Slender? thanks! and i hope your day is going really well >_<

More Fluff Alphabet /w Slenderman but these letters!

my days been pretty okay! slow, but not terrible :O gonna be slow from tomorrow until next saturday so i might promote requests being open ponders not proof read!! though to be fair i dont. think i proof read any of my stuff

J (JEALOUSY)-

he can get rather possessive in general when it comes to you or his proxies so uh

don't like, try to make him jealous on purpose, it doesn't end well for anyone involved. actually don't try to tick off forest demons in general

i know i keep saying stuff like "oh god forbid someone make you uncomfortable" in these but like. slenderman is still this huge powerful creature, i know my interpretation on him is a bit silly n different but he still has roots in the 2010s fandom interpretation, you know?

there will be... a mess... is what im saying

in the case that someone is being weird with you, he's less jealous and more angry, though, of course not angry at you

though there will be hard boundaries set in place if you try to rile him up on purpose, he doesnt want to waste his time on someone whos going to toy with him like that. both in a "hey thats not really cool or healthy of you to do to me or our relationship" and also "im fucking slenderman im a old ass powerful demon, who do you think you are?"

P (PETNAMES)-

he calls you; love, darling, my dear

he likes being called; really anything under the sun, because as long as its something coming from your mouth hes pleased, because it ultimately means hes yours and youre his

q (QUESTION)-

for more context see this post! dives into lore stuff for my au/hcs but it'll help add context to this segment!:

here!

hope the link copied well enough </3 if not you can find it on my blog, titled "all entwined in one web" or something along those lines

anyways

some variant of "why do you stay"

you could have decided to be with literally anyone else, but you chose a solitary self loathing demon who eats people in order to survive, created for the sole purpose to cause issues and harm to humanity

on one hand he wants you to stick around and keep him company; but on the other hand he wants you as far away from him as possible so you can go out and live your own life without being in danger or having to put up with his whole deal

please give him lots of reassurance, its going to take a lot for him to stop asking those kinds of questions; assuming he stops asking at all

U (UPSET)-

i feel like him being upset is similar to the jealousy part of this post, but just more. broad. like hes not going to take shit if youre going to try to upset him on purpose

hes more patient if its accidental, though. diving into a previous fluff alphabet, if its an accident and something that can be helped in terms of future instances hes likely to work through it with you. he knows his time with you is short, if his partner is a mortal, and he doesnt want to waste that time

soft slenderman my beloved, let this man have complex emotions and desires and whatnot

kinda just. vanishes when he gets real upset, though, since he cant control his anger that well and generally just doesnt want you to see him like that- best way to help him like that is to just give him time

if youre the one upset hes going to listen to you, if you need someone to talk to. man of few words, advice can go fifty fifty

either gives good advice or not good advice; and thats on him being around for a long time but not really spending a lot of that time you know... interacting with others in a meaningful way

bonus if you still live at your place he's going to do a bunch of your chores for you. in. varying degrees of success, similar reasoning as above since he doesnt really have a home of his own to do like. dishes or laundry at. still bouncing between if im going to have the mansion be a part of this au of mine or not, and if so, how its going to tie in to everything

shrugs

#creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #creepypasta imagines #slenderman x reader #slenderman headcanons #slenderman imagine #slenderman x you

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fuckmeyer · 8 months

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HEY i'm having unhinged carlisle/edward thoughts again and i had to come into your inbox to share them because YOU DID THIS TO ME--

but truly. like. the bond between creator and created. (this may or may not have been inspired by a conversation with su-angelvicioso about yknow. a different ship) the creator recognizes themself in the created, the created knows the creator because they were shaped so fundamentally by them...so any time they're looking at the other person they're seeing themself, but also any time they see themself they're seeing the other...there's no way to define yourself except in the differences and similarities you have to this person who you know more intimately than anyone else in the world, except really your view of them will ALWAYS be distorted by your view of yourself...like!!!!

edward thinks carlisle is perfect because he thinks of himself as a monster. carlisle thinks edward is the best of all of them, the reason to believe vampires have souls, because it's the only way for him NOT to believe he himself is a monster!!! edward hates and fears carlisle for being a standard he can never measure up to, but he loves him because he is that standard, and he keeps forgiving him...but maybe actually the forgiveness just makes him hate carlisle MORE because edward doesn't WANT to be forgiven!!! carlisle thinks of edward as his own redemption, but that means he'll never actually fully see edward and he can't actually forgive him in a meaningful way!!! they're obsessed with each other, but neither one of them can actually express that to the other!!!!!!! holy FUCK they're a MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry this is not even a question, my brain is just scrambled eggs about them now apparently)

THIS IS IT I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE SPACE TO TALK ABOUT CARLWARD I SWEAR I AM GOING A LITTLE FERAL OVER THIS SHIP? FORGIVE ME THIS ASK SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE POIGNANT BUT IM JUST GONNA SAY STUFF OK

THE BOND BETWEEN CREATOR AND CREATED!!!! YES!!!!!!!

the creator recognizes themself in the created, the created knows the creator because they were shaped so fundamentally by them. [...] your view of them will ALWAYS be distorted by your view of yourself

and isn't it just so beautiful when we put Carlisle & Edward's canon relationship in this context! i wrote this in another post but:

Carlisle believes Heaven exists because of Edward.

Heaven is not a place for the damned creatures like vampires, but a place for humanity.

which means!!!! Carlisle has chosen to see his own humanity in his son. for all it entails. its light, its shadows, all the shades of gray in between. and, yes!, the scary thing is, this is the only way Carlisle can believe he himself is not a monster - to see his progeny thrive within Carlisle's philosophy.

but the beautiful thing is he accepts Edward. he loves Edward. always. no matter what. & this is what allows him to participate in society, to take the Hippocratic Oath, to live a life of vegetarianism: Carlisle loves humanity in all its forms, BECAUSE OF AND IN SPITE OF EDWARD.

and Edward!!! Edward is the physical manifestation of Carlisle's beliefs. for better or worse. on the surface, Edward is a vegetarian vampire, med school grad, etc., and who wants to believe in the value of human life. (he doesn't always live up to this in day-to-day interactions obvi.)

on a deeper level, he has grappled with questions re: humanity, especially his place within his preconceived idea of Humanity. he considers himself damned, just as Carlisle does. (perhaps, even, the darkest part of Carlisle doubts the existence of his own soul.) he spends the entire series rebelling against the idea of his soul & his worthiness of love while battling his own monstrous nature.

but unlike Carlisle, Edward has actually gone out and tested these ideas. can i still have a soul if i'm a vampire? can i still be human if i kill bad people? can i still be human if i take away life? can i still be human if i do x, think y, say z?

because Carlisle doesn't necessarily have the space to do what Edward did. not just because of his busy schedule as a doctor, but his coping mechanisms, his compartmentalization required to live this vegetarian life, his religion (/religious trauma?), & his position as a coven leader do not afford him the luxury of testing these ideas himself.

at the end of the day, Carlisle can never do what Edward did. if Carlisle is going to 'save' other vampires, he needs to be (at least outwardly) secure in the notion that he has saved himself. even if he isn't.

Edward can go further, dig deeper, and that allows Carlisle to go further, too.

and in that context, god, how beautiful is it that Carlisle just has this unwavering, unconditional acceptance of Edward? that through the darkness and mistakes, there is something worth loving? that through this acceptance, Edward finds his soul in the end?

like, the breakdown of the relationship is:

to Edward, Carlisle is a god.

to Carlisle, Edward is a man, i.e., a disciple of his teachings.

& in that context, how beautiful is it that, baseline, Carlisle & Edward share this deep, spiritual love for each other that will never be broken? FUCK that hits

#carlisle x edward #twilight meta #carlisle cullen #edward cullen #twilight renaissance #twilight #the twilight saga

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ronkeyroo · 1 year

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We've never met.

Every once in a while I send you anons to let you know how much I appreciate your posts.

I fell in love with your art and skyrim posts, but I appreciate you talking about your health, too.

I can relate.

I think what I have relates to muscle tension. The pain is almost constant and I can feel myself getting worse. Being like this feels lonely. Nobody really gets it. What's it like being in pain like this. Or the dreadful feeling of feeling your body failing.

Thank you. Really, thank you.

Wish you the best. Hope you like the crabs 🦀

I may not know you anon, and may not be able to pinpoint which of the exact tenderness you've sent my way has been yours - But regardless I feel and appreciate you for it all so dearly much.

I never...Expected to mean so much to people over Tumblr the way I did in the short while I was here. My art, my passions, all of the sillyness and good times we've shared has been and become so incredibly meaningful for me; Getting to share those joys with you all, to connect with new people, to reconnect to the wonderlust of art and community after having that part of me wounded for so long - Its the very reason why every single time I fell under and lost my ability to have all that, I hurt so badly. It feels shameful to admit, like Im some broken, fucked up record...But god how deeply I yearn for all of this to stay, how deeply I wish I never got this sick that I can barely keep such an important part of my life alive for longer.

Not many know how fast my life has changed the past years, especially under the sudden sickness I've been diagnosed with. The struggles and victories alike i've went through as well as the magnitude behind everything I feel; So many things completely derailed everything into chaos, and yet I kept doing my best to shield everyone from the ugly parts of how badly it hurt me until I couldnt any longer. I've struggled with mental health my entire life to the point that living was nothing but survival, I never realized how badly I took my body for granted until the moment it couldnt carry me anymore, until It got so sick that I can barely get out of bed to pursue living itself. I cannot describe the staggering, paralyzing fear this breeds.

Anon, im so so sorry that you too share a similar pain, im aching and cursing that we and many others have to undergo such struggles. I agree with what you say, that this is a whole new different type of helplessness that not many people can understand...I can only encourage people developing a deeper sense of sensitivity around this subject, implore them to remember how important it is to give the right space and care for both body and mind. After everything I've been through, learning how strictly this pain forces us into self compassion, boundaries and self care...I just, I don't want anyone to have to suffer any unnecessary hurt again when going through something like this.

I wish us all every bit of emotional and physical resource, care and inner drive to take care and heal out of this mess. And once again - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for finding strenght and joy in one another, be in in my posts or my art or anything else we've gotten to share together in this corner of our messy, but loveable world.

Im sorry for endiing up with a wall of text Anon, i'm just...It truly, truly all means alot to me, and i wanted to take the heart to express that. Thank you for reaching out, hang on as well, and thank you for the crabs - I love those dancing silly crustations...🦀🦀🦀

#Ronkey Replies #Tender Vibes

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mizuta · 8 months

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far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

#miles organizer #;kaz #this actually isnt really that bitter im just. talking. miserably. about psychosis.#i think i should be allowed to just be fucking insane in public and everybody should just have to deal with it and stop being uncomfortable #(thats kind of a joke im just sad.)

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velcrooooo · 2 years

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i was rewatching episode six today because i was feeling a little down, and i think i finally put my finger on why hob and dreams dynamic strikes a chord with me.

both characters separately fascinate me so much. hob is a guy who was made immortal just for shits and giggles and he, even at his lowest point, was still in love with living and the experiences that come with it. dream is the manifestation of dreams and sleep, and if i interpreted a few episodes right, hope. and yet he is so serious and solemn all the time, and WILDLY self centered.

on my first watchthrough i get the impression that he is a feelings driven person, and despite the fact he comes off as a tad bit cynical, he still cares deeply for humanity. and i think you can see that in the kindness he shows for individual people throughout the show.

and now im finally going to get to the point of this essay . dream, like i said before, strikes me as a very feelings driven person, but a very self centered one. i think he needs genuine connection just like anyone else, and hob pointed that out in their 1800s meeting.

and in present day, throughout the season, he has started to warm up a lot. he went through a miserable time for 100 years and has seen some of the worst parts of humanity, but he still cares! a lot! and he called hob his friend, and i HAVE to note that after that, he smiled more than he does in most of the show. it is a big deal! they are friends!!! both of them care so so much for life in different ways, and that means so much to me. that, i think, is why i was initially irritated with the ship posts that wildly mischaracterize both of them as sunshiney guy and sad guy who are in love.

i think a romantic interpretation of their dynamic can be really really interesting when its done right. but i think friendship is so often portrayed as lesser or not as meaningful as romance, and hob and dreams friendship is really important to both of the characters. it was a point in the story where it really struck me just how much it is about connections and love.

i dunno! there wasnt really a point to this post. hob and dreams dynamic, no matter which way you choose to interpret it, (because ill be real whatever was going on between those two was SOMETHING) is something meaningful. and i feel like the fandom does a huge disservice to these two

#sorry normal followers for the essay. the sandman has taken residence in my brain #the sandman #hob gadling #dream of the endless #<- get maintagged idiots. witness my opinions

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girlfromplut0 · 1 year

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a short letter

hi friends ! wanted 2 share a couple thoughts nd ideas with u if thats alright . ive been finding it really hard to connect with people lately , everyone seems so far away . idk if its dissociation from ptsd or just growing apart but it feels like there is a lot of distance between me n a lot of ppl in my life . n idk thats a bit strange . i feel like a stranger in a lot of places where i used 2 feel like an important piece . i suppose thats what happens when u grow , some things make less sense but eventually things will make sense again . most things dont make sense anymore honestly . even typing this i dont really feel real . dissociation has been really hard for me . after getting out of an abusive relationship its been hard to feel how i think things used to feel (and even on tumblr im kind of scared of saying those words out loud, im really afraid of that person even though i dont want to let that fear control me). idk ptsd is really scary . its not like anything ive faced before in my life . people tell me it gets easier and i believe them but a part of me is scared that things just keep making less and less sense . but in another way , every problem you face u have the wisdom and growth of every problem u have faced before at ur back . i used to have an eating disorder but cooking has become a super important part of my life , and i think im really good at it and its been rewarding to share that with my mom and people i love . im the highest weight ive ever been in my entire life and ive for the most part overcome my disorder and eating related trauma . so even if im sad and disconnected from people , at least i am giving my body the fuel it needs to continue living . i haven't spoken about really any of this in public and i guess this kind of secret tumblr acc feels safe for me to be a bit more candid and long form for once . i can't really use twitter in that way anymore , mainly for boundaries and mental health reasons . but yeah i guess a lot of things have been strange lately . idc if nobody rly gets my music anymore . even if it doesnt appear to be , if u see it as jus being like flexing or some shit whatever , it is like a deep expression of a lot of emotions im feeling . n i dont feel the need to explain it 2 anyone i prefer 2 let my art speak for itself . my art is the only place i feel like i can be free and honest and genuine nd create something that is a true expression of myself and that matters more 2 me than anything else . a lot of ppl i kno wld be lost w/o seeing a bunch of numbers . but when u making music for someone else u have already lost , u have chosen to surrender your space to what u are guessing someone else wants . no truly meaningful art can come from a place like that . sharing a little song i made , was produced by maiden who is an incredibly talented and kind soul nd i will link their sc under this u should listen 2 their songs ! im not sure if this song will ever be a part of something larger but since u read my long rambling thing i wanted 2 share one of my favorite songs ive made , in case its never on anything else . thank u for caring about my art and supporting me. often the love i feel from all of you overpowers the discord in my mind. and even if my art is made for myself, seeing that this expression of myself connects with so many people is deeply deeply meaningful to me. im excited and incredibly grateful for the opportunity to connect with as many of you as i can during tour next month. if you see me around before or after the show feel free to say hi, your support means so so much. i love you - meadow (pluto)

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pinkseas · 1 year

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(kicks the door down, fire surrounding me like a stage concert) I AM SAID AO3 USER COMMENT YOU WILL NEVER FIND MEEEEE I READ YOUR REPLY TO MINE AND BAWLED you get me you gget me so hard ao3 user anomaly98!!!!!!! (i did say in my comment i dug thru ur tumblr and here i am yet again)

not because i'm a prick not revealing myself thoughg i just have self esteem issues bc of liking qpr xiaolumi. yeah thas righrt i am shy of exposing that i dig this side of the r/s and i don't delve into the romantic one ever. prolly cus i'm an aromantic myself but like YOU KNOW- i just want to pop in to rlly emphasize the fics really do mean a lot to me in words you got it better described. that qpr in general has a different feel to intimacy and it fits them so nicely as people who are?? i guess, lonely but surrounded? (lumine to her friends who doesn't understand her enough, xiao to the adepti in that same matter, and the people of liyue who will never listen back to him), and here's another few disgustingly picky thing i got that your fics have that i tend to do in brainrotting it; most in lumine's pov and having her see through xiao's vulnerability firsthand. gosh that is so rare, you'd think bc he's always portrayed strong boi yaksha to protect the traveler all the time, but not in this perspective. and when yuou have her care for him both in the shower and bed just sends me straight face first into bed squealing crying blood of the consideration of ~~~~this whatever invisible distance~~~~ they have like its on lumine's condition to be aware of; she insists and ask first, and xiao is still allowed to say yes And no- and ~~~~this whatever closeness~~~~ xiao is reluctant to provide and its only to lumine's promptings in their friendship he accepts it, and felt warm enough to reach out if not in a ghostly touch.

very specifically, i love to see them not so in love with each other- i mean they can fall in love anytime (and in my interpretation they're a lot slower than yours in development but still a path to qpr eventually). i see their relationship as,... very fragile, but very grounding. its this small important part of their life they can shed their masks and be vulnerable like your recent fic to find each other's answers and resolve through it together because they're the Only two people of this world to understand (aside aether, aside all ppl xiao lost) that makes their dynamic so meaningful and i hope more ppl can see that side of them. ao3 user anomaly98 this is why YOU GET MEEEEEEEEE

deep breath.

if you do not wish to be found i will not search please know my inbox is always here i will welcome you with open arms <- pretend im saying this like Really Dramatically real somber real like. idk. like the way an ancient narrator begisn the story and reads the prophecy THAT kind of drama thats the vibe

its okay i would simply never assume u were a prick and i 100000% understand the insecurity that comes with enjoying certain aspects of ships and ESPECIALLY insecurity rooted in Being Aromantic and Enjoying Things In An Aromantic Sort Of Way like ive gotten way better its prob the only reason im able to write them how i want now but i ABSOLUTELY have been there i Understand

lonely but surrounded is SUCH a good way to put it. i genuinely do think lumine is close with a LOT of the others, i think she has a lot of trust and care for them, but its not the same. its not the same depth, not the same commitment, you're SO right comparing it to like. idk !!! idk. lumine once had aether who understood everything so easily and xiao had the other yakshas they both had a family, once, they both had people who understood, once, and now no matter who they love and trust in that matter they are alone. and that's something i love so much about the dynamic i envision for them, the fact that they're able to share such a unique loneliness, the fact that in not being understood by anyone around them they're able to understand each other. there's a level of distance and disconnect between them and those around them that doesn't exist with the other. its SO fucking important to me.

xiao is SO often depicted as being either a) very protective, strong, unbreakable etc or b) very vulnerable and fragile and i fairly often see fics of like. one of them protecting the other, almost? or less that but fics where the dynamic is Skewed, where one of them has the Role of protector and the other the Role of protected, where those roles are set in stone. and i think them being on the same wavelength, capable of protecting each other at any point, equally capable of either- that's so fucking important to me. it's not just that one of them is vulnerable, its that they're vulnerable with each other. it's not just that one of them will fight, it's that they'll fight for each other and fight together. it's equal. it's shared. so much between them is shared. their loneliness, their otherness, the unique way they feel about each other, their grief.

"i love to see them not so in love with each other" no bc this FUCKS. in my little brain i imagine it still takes time but i do definitely write it as being faster, and i think i imagine it as faster too? less rushing into it or any sense of need to be closer and more of just clicking so quickly, so easily, that what follows feels natural. "very fragile, but very grounding" is another REALLY good way of putting it your MIND oh my GOD!!!!!

idk just. for me so much of it is the small moments? sometimes when im walking out in the preserve the wind is cool and the air is fresh and the sun is warm and i think oh, this isn't so bad. this is lovely. and that's the kind of vibe i try to go for with them. contentedness over happiness, smaller gestures over grand ones. a quiet kind of love.

okay im losing my entire thought process idk that i had one to begin with admittedly but yknow. time to think about them for 120 billion years and never ever stop i wish iwasnt so tired id try writing more Literally Right Now. might try anyways and channel the sleepy into some sort of rly peaceful early morning/late night scene who knows

#parasocial bestie tag #<- that's you now until i come up w/ something better LMAO #xiaolumi #<- and THATS so i dont lose this

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hamigojade · 1 year

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i cant sleep and my thoughts are just getting darker and i know its just because im anxious so maybe writing it out will help

my moms coming over for dinner and i know its because she wants to talk about me. she wants me to get a job or take college classes for a degree so i can get a job. and like i get it but i cant find the will for that if that makes sense

i see this country and the state of capitalism and i feel heavy. it must feel like a deflection from myself which i can understand but it feels so tied to the topic at hand. im supposed to earn money to survive day in and day out for the rest of my life? how is that living? life feels like it should be more than this. i dont want to continue living in this state or country, the world is gigantic and theres so much to see. so much to experience. yet everything requires money.

i just feel this repulsion to the idea of being a part of this machine. i would rather fight tooth and nail than be a cog. and i worry that its disrespectful to everyone else who takes part either willingly or not. im not better, but i dont feel im worse at least. and so it begs the question of if im going to seperate myself from how the world works, should i not be fighting to change it for the better? and i begin to feel really torn because is it bad if i dont fight to change it? life is so short and i feel i could spend decades and not make a meaningful change, so is it wrong to say i would rather try to find fulfillment in my own way? is that unfair to the world who still struggles for me to try and enjoy what i can outside of it? do i even matter in any regard?

whats worse is that i dont think anyone i talk to either truly understands or just doesnt know how to respond. its always the same 'theres not much of an option' or 'try doing this for a job, its not as bad' but these arent answers. the choice as it lays before me is do i take part in society as it intends and expects for me to or do i forge a completely different and unsure path. i mean no disrespect if i take the other route but can it even come off that way? am i bad for wanting this freedom so fervently?

is it even possible?

#organizing thoughts #pls ignore

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ketavinsky · 3 months

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I like the house analogy a lot. I’ve never had any long term friendships, I tend to drift in and out of people’s lives. I don’t seem to make meaningful connections or leave an impact on anyone the way they do for me. It definitely makes me feel like wandering. If I had it my way I’d live nomadically, packing up and leaving anytime I got too familiar with a location. Maybe it’s a bit of a self-sabotage but I never learned how to be okay with being known. I think I regret deleting the pictures but not for me. I have trouble with memories so I regret losing the parts of my friends but I have no regrets about my own image. I’ve never had a strong sense of self; I can’t recognize myself in pictures or mirrors. I hate looking at pictures of me because it feels wrong in the back of my mind, like something is off or missing. Being trans only made that more pressing for old pictures. I’m trying to learn to take more pictures now for memory sake, mostly of places I go or people I meet rather than myself though. Have you found people you fit with yet or are you still wandering too? I suppose if I’m gonna keep bothering you I could maybe sign off? -N

hullo N! youre not bothering me but i apologise for the long response times. i have a weird thing about only responding to messages when i feel like... i would be able to give an appropriate dedicated/interested answer..... like. i dunno i kind of see online shit as the last frontier of non performative interaction so i try not to be disingenuous in ways that make sense to me as often as i can. esp on this site. the viscera site. anyways. that aside. i get what you mean when you say like... you dont feel like you have an impact on anything. obviously i cant comment on anything goin in your life but i do... i do understand the sentiment. i got a friend who's a big wanderer, real nomadic, just wants to travel and travel and circle back every so often like hes some kind of planet goin round on this massive orbit but.... im not sure about you but the concept intimidates me. not the wandering i suppose but the lack of security like- what do i do if something goes wrong? what do i do if i need somebody? what do i do if its still and silent and i cant bear it and ive been swept away to some place and past all the dancing and the gorgeous ephemerality and the wraithlike presence what do i do if i need somebody? you know? would appreciate your thoughts.

i get what you mean with the photos. i also deleted a lot of my photos. even when i was a kid like real little i felt a deep sense of nauseous disgust almost when i looked at photos of myself i always felt like even in pictures where we were all like 8 9 10 years old and playing in the grass that it was immediately noticeable that i was different in some irreconcilable way and i couldnt stand the idea of anyone else noticing it. i dont. i dont know why. i can kind of circle around what i think is why (?? does that make sense) but i still dont know where the feeling comes from. do you? i feel like all the pictures i see of myself are different actors and i think thats because at any given moment im always really just staring at myself from some outside voyeur pov. it's a little more manageable now but when i turned 23 i began to realise how... well. virulent? harmful? destructive? it was to my sense of... self. i dont know. what's it like fr you?

now i wish i could say that id found my people and after so long of feelin so lonely everythings okay now but this year has been tough and its only just started. do you ever miss times in your life that were really horrible wherein you were incessantly miserable, for the ability to feel? that's how it is. i oft find myself revisiting memories with people who were objectively not good for me and my love for them was in a way destroying me and every single day was some fucking trial but i miss the certainty of... knowing who i was in those times. what i was. ive been writing about that a lot. i have a paragraph somewhere here that vaguely mentions it but i have to immerse myself in the feeling to write my book shit so i just think about it all the time, really, all the time without end. fair warning there for lots of weepy waxing on and on over Just Stuff That Happened. i think now i have people that are good to be around and i love them deeply and i think i can trust that they love me but each day it feels like the chasm between me n them widens you know? and you ever feel like sometimes people dont really know the things that you know? at least not in a way that matters?

#dellete #anonymous

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orlamount · 4 months

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Critical Thinking.

(answering crit notes)

The music: so what the songs are about and how I can incorporate that into the project

Is there some thread? an overall theme?

EP Titles the band presented: If god can take him, he can take anyone (working title)

Song Names (All working song names)

Vicodin

Joy

Main Character

So Long

Bleeding

We have already released a single and plan to release 2 more singles that make an EP. The aim of the EP is to sum up the bands first year of being together, creating a meaningful project that sets us apart from everyone else.

This is our first single 'JOY' which has had a big success for a band that no one knows anything about.

JOY magnifies the way people across Britain are living on the edge, giving up all hope in the institutions in which they live. ‘the music’ represents the hope that is slowly disappearing from day-to-day life - people are confiding in art or substances to escape the system.

The music, it stopped, so I lost, the memories of you Anti-fascist feelings with a cigarette, you're a poor woman can't afford to let yourself go No joy, no joy, no joy, no joy There's no, there's no, no joy in this division, this division, no joy, no joy, no joy, no joy Bottle, in one hand, regret in the other hand The music, it stopped, so I lost, the memories of you No joy, no joy, no joy, no joy There's no, there's no, no joy in this division, this division, no joy, no joy, no joy, no joy

Songs we're planning to release and what they mean.

SO LONG - So long is about a long friendship that has turned into a one sided friendship. The song is full of angst and uses metaphors to perpetuate a loss of time.

Long, so long, fiftieth eye roll back I told you a week ago, I want my time back So, I want my money back, it's been so long you don't wanna speak, so sick of that Long, So long, So long

VICODIN - This song is about my experience with being the only friend to someone who was incredibly suicidal. I find suicide is written a lot as first-hand experience but never from a person who has to watch someone else going through it, so this was a something I wrote about my pain and experience.

Its just how it was, I can't put it into words You fall into me, you fall into me It's just how it was, lend me your flesh and bone Receiver of trauma, who knows you best So stay on the line, please stay with me Stay on the line, please stay with me

MAIN CHARACTER - This song touches upon how hard it can be to remain optimistic during hardships in your life when growing up. Dealing with unaddressed family trauma that resurfaces when you're older, aiming to 'live' instead of 'survive' with your family.

When you realise cutting sideways like a knife your wounds won’t heal this time your wounds won't heal this time live inside the open air were living not surviving here waves crash like a mothers hug

BLEEDING - This song is about the loss of someone close to you and wondering if you should metaphorically join them or to carry on with your life; yet theres always a lingering shadow of that person that follows your daily life.

Sharing the same sky (as everybody else) Haunting the intimate time we have left Rather be nowhere with them Than somewhere without Be nowhere with them Than somewhere (Im still here, Im still here) Bleeding, sick (or noise), it all caves in Reeling, we miss just being Bleeding Reeling ahhh... Rather be nowhere with them Than somewhere without Be nowhere with them Than somewhere

Who are we as a band?

Releasing music is one thing but getting people to listen to the music is very difficult. The most important part to getting your music out there is being active on socials. The best app for musicians is TikTok which we've learnt, through regular posting we've managed to curate an audience/fanbase. Our problem is that 80 percent of the followers are American and only 10 percent are English.

Being English, whether we realise it it not is a innate part of us. I think being English and part of this culture holds so much power, especially with our music. The music is a combination of Shoegaze, NuMetal & Alt rock partnered with gritty female vocals. Growing up in the south of England, I think our music draws from the land in some weird way. I would describe our music as weird, creepy, gritty and emotionally raw. Using this knowledge, we want to draw from the heritage of England, some medieval aesthetics, even ghostly, to partner with our sound. The aim is to be authentically us.

4 Albums that inspire me:

Fontaines DC - Skinty Fia

Fontaines D.C. are an Irish post-punk band formed in Dublin in 2014. Fontaines D.C. talk about their Irish identity and their evolving sound “It’s always been natural to us” “When you’re not in that place, you have to cling on to the memory of it a bit more; the heart and soul of it.”

Their newest album Skinty Fia has loads of that Irish spirit. It’s immediately evident in the title (an old Gaelic expression that translates to ‘the damnation of the deer’) and trickles down to lyrics that express a complex relationship with their homeland – a sense of longing for it and the conflicted guilt for leaving it.

On their song ‘Bloomsday’, a line like ‘There’s always fucking rain and it’s always dark’ pangs with homesickness, while the relatively summery ‘Roman Holiday’ attempts to embrace London despite the feeling of displacement: ‘I don’t wanna see the Queen/I already sing her song’.

The album’s centrepiece, ‘I Love You’, is a conflicted love letter from Chatten to the country he feels he abandoned for another that's historically exploited and looked down upon it.

Atop a steadily dramatic backing of murky guitars and broiling bottom-end that swells like a dark bruise, the frontman’s performance contains some nuanced specifics typically reserved for Irish listeners, as Curley explains.

“I’d say probably the one that would pass people by is a line in the shouting section where Grian says: ‘Is their mammy Fine Gael and is their daddy Fianna Fáil?’”

“They’re two Irish political parties that have been in different forms of coalition government in charge of Ireland for years. It’s not even the stuff they’ve done but the stuff they haven’t done in Ireland that is under a lot of scrutiny now. A lot of young people are asking for change.”

Radiohead - OK Computer

Britpop. IT'S ALL over the place – all of a sudden. There's Oasis, the Beatles' rip-offs trying to emulate the Rolling Stones' drug-taking, groupie-filled past. Then there's Blur, the self-described "middle-class" darlings of the UK music scene who just can't seem to make a dent in America. Don't forget Elastica, Pulp, Supergrass and Echobelly. But whatever you do, please, please do not include Radiohead in the list of "Britpop" bands.

The only thing Radiohead have in common with the abovementioned bands is that, yes, they are from England. What makes them different from their fellow UK musician brothers and sisters is that Radiohead do not limit themselves to playing recycled '60s music, and they do not engage in public spats with other bands nor do they spend their free time bragging about how "fookin' great" they are. They don't have to talk the talk. Radiohead's songs and live performances speak loud enough for themselves.

Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream

4th album

ORLA DO THIS PLS

Using the meaning.

I see a lot of bands which are small but on the rise, brand themselves something that they're not. There's a big trend in bands that brand themselves with this 2000's American aesthetic though they're English. I think it is a cool aesthetic but it's over done

I want to focus the project around the music, about what the songs are about

Explore each songs identity

Look into some bands that inspire me

#year3 #fmp #Spotify

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robitherat · 2 years

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Also bc im still not over the whole thing and shit: how the fuck do you think it makes Joseph feel to be told that the character he PLAYS, who uses his likeness and parts of himself and his personality and existence, is "the most cishet, transphobic" character in marble hornets? Like, alright, I don't normally give into the whole bs about feeling bad for cishet people over queer community shit (like the whole 'don't make jokes about straight people' bs) but like. Joseph is a pretty fuckin rad ally. Hell, all three of the MH creators are! So to be told that the character your represent seems transphobic solely because of someone's stupid ass interpretation of him, and then having that person argue with you and go on to say other shitty, exclusions bullshit. I mean, I'd be pretty upset myself, tbh. Obviously, I already am and I'm a third party in this whole ordeal. Just like. I genuinely cannot fathom why anyone, let alone a queer person, would approach a cishet creator who is an EXPLICIT ALLY of THEIR OWN COMMUNITY (keep in kind the person is trans if I recall correctly) and tell that creator that the character they play and helped write is should actually be a bigot to PEOPLE LIKE THEM. Why in the FUCK would you do that. Why are you advocating for more fiction that hurts us? Why are you going out of your way to misrepresent a character as something that isn't even remotely relevant, and also goes against its own creators standings? Why is this something that was so important to you? Oh yeah, because you cared more about the semantics of which label is valid (spoiler: its all of them) than you did about doing anything actually meaningful with your life.

Anyways. I've been ruminating on this a lot lately, can you tell?

#honestly i feel like a lot of this is sort of indicitive of like #greater issues in the community #but ill be honest it makes me super happy to see just how many people have made art and hcs and shit out of all this #like if theres one good thing that came out of this #its spiteful creation #my favorite flavor #n e ways #robi rambles #discourse #marble hornets #the great kralie debate of 2k22 #or whatever

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alreadyblondenow · 4 years

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Prom & six packets of condoms

Mark Lee x reader // FLUFF, SMUTT , ANGST

Part of PROM SERIES: MARK LEE

Themes: high school! au, prom! au, college! au, best friends to lovers

Word count: 7k

Summary: Prom, six packets of condoms, a funeral, and graduation all needed first to happen before he can finally win you.

Warnings: character death (a parent) if you’re not comfortable with that please click away, mentions of alcohol, mentions of other idol (nct dream), loss of virginity, protected sex, fingering, slight depression, mourning phase,

A/N: inspired by true events, I just finished reading First Times by moonctzeny and I won’t lie I was inspired and my prom memories haunted me the whole day so here you go. Phrases/ paragraphs in italics are flashbacks. Proofread this once only hehe. I will make a time stamp for every condom and will post it on the following days hehe. Enjoy reading

Time stamps for this fic/condoms: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

“You’re the new girl right? Hi, I’m Mark”

It’s been almost four good years since Mark ate lunch with you during the first day of freshman year. You were the new girl in town by that time and you don’t know anyone in school. Mark is the nicest person you’ve met and ever since that fateful day, you two are inseparable and you became best friends.

Now senior year is on full throttle and it seems like everything is happening so fast. Maintaining your GPA, college applications, spearheading extracurricular activities and prom then graduation in just a weeks... its all too much.

“Hey, you all set for tomorrow? You’re not going to ditch me with some other dude who’s more handsome than me, right?” You’re talking to Mark through FaceTime while you two prepare for tomorrow’s big event. He jokes about you ditching him last minute and he told you he’d still love you if that really happens.

“If you mention it again, fine! I’ll go with Jeno-“ you teased him back.

“Hey! I’m just kidding. Don’t do that!” His laugh and his smile are still addicting to watch even if it’s through your phone screen.

Mark asked you to prom, which you think is so sweet of him. And it might not looked like it, but prom is a pretty big deal for Mark as much as it is for you.

It’s that time of the month when you and Mark do a scary movies Netflix and chill ritual in his room. You were waiting for him to get the bag of Cheetos from their kitchen and it was pretty dark in his room and when he finally came back, he was biting a red rose in his mouth and posing sexily in front of you. At first, you thought he was just making you laugh but you saw him walk towards his guitar and strums it. Before he sing you a song, he hands you the rose and kissed you on the cheek.

And that’s how Mark asked you to prom. Simple yet so unforgettable and meaningful. You will never forget how he sings so passionately in front of you and only for your eyes to see.

“Y/n, my best friend. Will you go to prom with me?”

“Who would reject such a great promposal? Yes!”

That night, after his promposal, you two watched scary movies without even noticing that you two were cuddled up and holding hands.

He’s all crazy about how he wants to do everything right for you and also so he could have that full experience with prom. Unforgettable promposal, wrist corsages, his tie matches your dress. Everything has to be perfect.

The most awaited day finally arrived and you are excited to spend a day that happens once in your life. When you walk down the stairs as Mark waits for you with your parents, he was speechless on how beautiful you are.

You know when Mark is getting flushed and shy when he starts to say “uhm” more than three times and he can’t look at you in the eye but he steals glances just to admire how beautiful you are. He puts the corsage around your wrist and you think it’s pretty not because it’s in your favorite color but because Mark chose this.

After your parents took a picture of you and Mark, the limousine arrived right on time. You saw Jaemin peeking at the limousine’s sunroof with a big smile, cheering for you and Mark excitedly because you two look good together.

“Mark, you didn’t have to match your tie with the color of her dress you know? By the way, y/n you look beautiful” Haechan opens the door for you and Mark to join the party inside the limousine with their respected dates.

“Oh Hyuck, it’s his idea give him a break. You look handsome too, nice hair!”

The drive to the hotel was already fun and full of laughter but the big event itself, was a shindig. Disco balls and chandeliers, glitters, confettis and balloons everywhere. Everyone was having a good time, smiles everywhere and everyone was dancing under loud music.

And while you admire everyone having the time of their lives, Mark is only admiring you. He can’t take his eyes off of you, thinking how asking you to be his date is a right decision. What if he asks you to be something else? Something bigger than just being a date. He brushed his thoughts away and just enjoy this night to the fullest with you. Being your date is a great excuse for him to wrap his arm around your waist from behind as you two dance under loud party music like crazy teenagers.

After having a blast at prom and getting half drunk at the after party, you ended up tired and exhausted in Mark’s bed. He flopped beside you putting his right hand under his chin and admire you smile at the ceiling. To him you’re still as beautiful as the first time he saw you today even though your face is all oily and your hair is already down.

“I’m pretty sure we did everything that’s needed to be done for a perfect prom” he said, slightly whispering to not ruin the silence in his room.

“Hmm. Not everything, but yeah it’s perfect. You’re perfect” you whispered back sweetly, trying to let him know that you’re flirting.

“What do you mean?” He bounced back a question immediately and totally missed your flirting. You let out a sigh.

“I overheard Jaemin and the other boys are going to lose it with their girlfriends tonight. Because of that, their prom will be extra special you know? But Mark, you’re perfect! You made this night beyond perfect and I couldn’t ask for more” You see him smile and blush, hugging his favorite striped pillow and try to hide his shyness.

It does make him kind of envy with the others because he wants to lose his virginity too tonight, but the problem is he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The room became silent when Mark told you that. You thought of all the things he did for you today just to give you an unforgettable night and then a crazy idea hit your head like a lightning.

“You can still do it. You have me”

The idea made him speechless and excited but he’s good at hiding it. “Wow- Jeez, I don’t know what to say but are you sure? Because I want this to happen, like really.” He almost confessed his feelings for you but he stopped himself before he ruins this moment.

“Yeah. I want to lose my virginity too tonight” the awkwardness is starting build up between the two of you. “Let’s just pretend we’re together. We do love each other as friends but you know, just so we could have a good time while having sex we uhm- we need to think that we’re together”

“No problem with me” he’s been pretending that you two are together ever since he developed a big crush on you. “Do you want to go to the bathroom first?” He offered.

“That would be great, yeah. I could use some time to fix myself first” you head towards to his bathroom and locked it nervously. The idea wasn’t supposed to make you nervous because it’s Mark but you caught yourself getting excited about the sex.

You found him making the bed and he made the room all dark and left his lampshade open. You walk towards the edge of his bed, Mark on the other side and you see him loosen up his tie and starts to unbutton his dress shirt. When he’s all naked in front of you, you hear your heart pound and beats so fast when you saw him crawl to your side. “Come here, I’ll unzip your dress”

You turned around and you feel his hands roam around your shoulders before he proceeds to unzip your dress. “Nice bra” he says when you faced him again.

Mark invites you to his bed to come lay down holding your hand as if you’re going to fall. It’s weird how it’s not your first time laying on Mark’s bed but this time it felt like it’s your first time.

He gave you a peck on the lips, a quick and friendly kiss. “That’s our first kiss as best friends. I want you to know that It’s me and like Im not going to do anything bad to you. I’m just appreciating my best friend” theres a slight pang on his heart when he said that because right now he wants to scream and tell you his feelings for you.

Mark kissed you again to silence his thoughts. And it was a different kiss from the first one. This kiss made your head move around his pillows, you feel your head sinking as he kiss you deeper and deeper, both of your hands are exploring as if it has a mind of its own.

“And that’s our first kiss, being together” and I want you to know that I love and if you could just wait for me to man up, I will love you fiercely. But of course he didn’t have the courage to say that part to you, instead he kissed you and pretended to be with you.

It was hard to stop kissing Mark and be away from his incredible lips. Lips he used for singing and for his prayers, now he’s using it for kissing you. “Let’s get you naked, baby” he said in between delicious kisses.

He pull away from the kiss and once again admired the girl in front of him. “Mark, you deserve everything” you said, sitting up in front of him. Guiding his hands towards your chest just to brush his soft hands against your clothed boobs and gave him your consent and the honour to unclasp your strapless bra.

You smiled at him when you felt your bra fall down the mattress. He pushed you back on the mattress, kissing your lips and slowly traveling down your neck.

For a minute he just stayed above you and looked at your exposed boobs and proceed to remove your laced panties. You hear him let out a soft exhale, when finally seeing you full naked in his bed.

It’s your first time having sex and neither is Mark but you don’t know why that certain nervousness was gone. He was smiling sweetly to you when he made his way in between your legs kissing your lips again. You feel Mark’s hands roam around your naked body and his touch are just as addicting like his lips. “I’ll be right back”

In the quickest way possible, he went to his bathroom to pump his dick a few more times to make it even harder and grabbed a few condoms from the drawer.

“Mark Lee, are you planning use all six of that?” you were pointing at the condoms.

He chuckled at what you said and went back in between your opened legs and give you a kiss again. “Baby, want to roll it?” he asked, giving you a packet of condom and you nod your head excitedly.

When all is settled, both of his hands are on both sides of your head, cock already lined up, he’s just taking his time with you. “Thank you, Y/n” it should have been ‘i love you, y/n’ but again he kissed you to silence his thoughts.

Pushing inside you slowly, feeling how your walls felt so warm around him. You on the other hand, moaned out the hurt and kissed Mark until you smile whenever he playfully thrusts in you to catch your attention and look at his eyes.

Mark was cute the whole time he was rolling his hips. Cute but fucking hot when looks directly in your eyes and intentionally goes deeper inside. It was quiet and only your moans and his, the skin slapping from Mark’s thrusts are the sounds you can hear inside his room.

You guide his hand to grip your left boob and he got the message and he kneads them. Pulling Mark’s head close to your boobs so he can suck it like the ones you saw in porn, he got the message too. All these are new to him but he’s happy you’re okay with him having the full experience using your body.

If Mark gave you the best full experience for prom, you’re going to give him the best full experience in having sex. It was not long when Mark reached his climax and shoot his cum in the condom and you on the other hand came with the help of his fingers and shivered like crazy underneath him.

Pulling out immediately, he threw the condom and lay beside you, covering you with his familiar sheet that you only use to cover your eyes during scary movies. But now, he’s using it to cover both of your naked bodies. When he pulled you close to him, you were still shivering and sensitive. So he kissed you and until you finally calm down and accept his warmth.

The next day, the sun is shining brightly on Mark’s room and your naked bodies are still underneath Mark’s sheets. You caught him looking at you when you opened your eyes, and you greet him with a smile like you usually do whenever you two had sleepovers.

Waking up with Mark beside you smiling handsomely is not new for you, this happened a hundred of times already. But waking up with Mark beside you naked and his hand is on your waist, is definitely new for the both of you.

“Good morning, beautiful”

“Good morning “ you greet him back with a hoarse voice, “oh wow your smile is nice. Who did you fucked last night, huh?” you added playfully cupping his handsome face and smiling brightly like the sun.

“You” he said with a grin on his face.

“Oh, that’s right I gave you that smile. Can I take it back?” you leaned to his face for a kiss, and you showered him with kisses while you both laugh and giggle like little kids. He ended up being on top of you again, just like last night while he was inside of you.

He lay back on the mattress, thinking maybe you don’t want to do this anymore but it’s morning, and being horny in the morning is something he cant control. So he asked you, “are we still together?”

“Yes. Just until breakfast “ you answered him without hesitation.

That’s his go signal to kiss you again just how you like it. Feeling his incredible lips again that you will surely miss the moment you two eat breakfast. Slowly pushing the sheets away, exposing your body again for him but this time in broad daylight and he can see all of you.

He props he arms and stayed beside you, admiring your glow under the morning light that shines through his window while you let his right hand cup your pussy and let him play with it.

You knew what he’s doing. He’s making you feel good and he’s just laying beside you watching you moan his name with closed eyes and parted lips. The position was damn too comfortable you can move your legs all you want until you’re satisfied while he’s putting digits inside you, gliding his finger up and down your slit or in and out of your cunt.

“Mark” you moaned his name when he finally hit the nerve while your left leg opens a little while he touch you. When it was all too much, you grab hold to his hand begging him to stop because it’s making you weak in all ways possible. And when he did stopped, you were breathing deeply and sharply.

You watch him lick the fingers that went inside you and he looked so hot. He waited for you to calm down and press yourself to his body for an embrace. You and Mark stayed embracing each other thinking how you don’t want this to be over yet. Thinking loudly but not saying it to each other.

You both want the same thing but none of you knew that truth. For you, Mark only loves you as a friend. And for Mark, he cant pursue you because he’s going away eventually and you don’t deserve that kind of love.

“You do know that what you did for me is a big deal, right?” Mark breaks the silence but not the embrace.

“Mhmm. Are you happy? Cause I am” you heard Mark’s heart beats faster and loudly as you pull him more and tighten your embrace.

“I’m so happy, I can finally die” it made you both laugh but still not moving to break the embrace and finally have breakfast.

After what happened you two spend your days together like how you normally do. Going to school together, Netflix and chill, church every Sundays. And if someone will accidentally brought it up, you two will just laugh it all out.

Come graduation, the saddest day of your life. That and the day after graduation. Graduation simply means ‘Goodbye Mark Lee’ and finally letting him go and wish him luck for his college years in Canada.

“I hate Canada” you cry your eyes out as you two sit in front of the big feast your family and his family prepared for graduation dinner and Mark’s send off. “Why do you have to pick the earliest flight tomorrow” you whine.

Mark hugged you and gave you a spoonful of ice cream that you cant resist. “Sorry, I just have to take care of a lot of things before school starts” It’s not that you hate him for going home to Canada and study for college there, but you didn’t even get to spend the summer with him because he has to be there already.

The night before Mark leaves, it was emotional. You cried and cried in your room, looking at the pictures in your phone and the ones that are on your bedside drawer. You cried until you were tired and eventually fall asleep.

Mark leaves at exactly 6am.

And it’s 5am when your mother woke you up with a panic. “Your father had a heart attack. The ambulance is taking too long”

Everything happened so fast that you didn’t have a chance to think it all through. Because of the panic, you drove your parents straight to the hospital as fast as you can, crying while you’re driving and saying your apologies to Mark that he will not hear because you left your phone at home.

“Why isn’t she picking up?” Mark is already at the airport, waiting for you and his flight. Half mad but mostly sad. “She cant just let me leave without saying goodbye right?” he was furious already in front of his parents.

But you never came. And he went back to Canada with a broken heart. He was mad to you because you were petty and selfish just because he can’t stay here for the summer you made him suffer by not sending him off.

While Mark is in the air and up above the clods hating you, you’re in the hospital crying because you lost your father. It was so painful for you to see your mother cry and constantly blame yourself for not driving fast enough instead of crying for Mark while you were driving.

Mr. and Mrs. Lee told Mark the news about your father. It takes a matter of seconds for him to burst into tears while he was in the middle of fixing his dorm room and immediately taking back everything bad he said to you through texts.

In the day of the funeral Mark’s mother handed you her phone, “A phone call from Mark, love. I think you should talk to him, maybe he can cheer you up.” It was sweet for Mrs. Lee to tell you that, but you’re still mad at yourself and yourself mad at him for telling you such hurtful words. Nonetheless you took the phone from Mrs. Lee and answered without saying a word.

“Hi” you heard him gulp, he sound tired “I’m worried for y/n. Who’s taking care of you? You haven’t returned any of my messages or calls. Baby, you have to be strong” the pet name made you tear up, and you let your tears fall continuously because you miss him so much.

“Just say the word and I’ll come back there. Fuck college, I can enrol next semester”

“No don’t do that. I’m taking care of myself Mark, I’m sorry for making you worry” he was glad to hear your voice again. If he sounds tired, for him you sound sad and broken. “I promise to talk to you when I come home, okay” you added, and without any other words you gave back Mrs. Lee’s phone and excused yourself.

As you mourn with your mother and get used with all the changes, you realised that you have to be strong for her and for yourself. Days passed by slowly and it was torture everyday but Mark helped you with all that he can even though he’s far away.

He sends visitors in your house to cheer you up and so you won’t succumb into sadness. First he sends his parents because he figured you and your mother might need some company or help with anything.

The second visit that you got was Mark’s friends Jaemin, Haechan, Renjun and Jeno who made sure to make you laugh every second or minute.

And the third visit was from Mark, he came all the way from Canada. “Im here now” he wasn’t suppose to visit until Christmas but he can’t take it anymore, his worries are killing him. It’s like a dream being in Mark’s arms again, inside your room and enjoying his warmth.

“How’s Canada? Did you found a replacement for me yet?” you whispered, he was glad that you made a joke you’re starting to sound like your normal self again.

“If they can last six rounds on their first night having sex with me then yeah, they can replace you” you punched him hard on his arm and he let out a loud “ouch!” You’re sure that your punch will leave a bruise that he can take on his way back to Canada.

“I was kidd- fuck, y/n that hurt like a motherfu-“ he was really in pain and you can see his eyes watery already. “Im sorry” you kissed his arm and went silent again, curling on your bed waiting for Mark to embrace you again.

“I was just trying to make you laugh and you give back by punching me.” He embraced you again, caging you with his arms. “Even if someone can last 12 rounds, I will still not replace you and you know that”

When Mark’s three day visit has come to an end, you get to say goodbye now. And even when he’s away again, he still takes care of you and your mom by any ways he can. It went on and on and on until you’re finally back on your feet. Though of course half a year is still not enough to fully recover from your loss, you don’t have much of a choice.

College was incredibly tiring and challenging but its better than staying in your room and looking at the ceiling for weeks. It’s a good thing too that college kept you busy and diverted from being sad and lonely. You had new friends and they are great, a couple of suitors but no one can still top Mark’s charms. And you’re more than happy to see your mother smile and cook around the kitchen again. Just like you she fights hard to have a happy life again.

“Can you please eat more? You’re getting thinner and thinner every week I swear! Don’t wait for me to go there and make you eat” you’re getting an earful from Mark because he noticed you got thin because of the stress and maybe from your depression.

“Bye Mark, I gotta go. Need to finish this paper, love you ugly person!” You waved goodbye to him through your phone screen.

“Love you too, please go eat” he says before ending the call.

The moment you finished the paper, you thought about teasing Mark because you got an earful from him earlier. With all you courage and bravery, you sent him a sexy picture. Not too vulgar but enough to make him hard and that’s for sure.

You: [attached photo]

You: Miss me?

After a couple of seconds, your phone dings.

Mark: I do :(

Two years have passed and everything is still fine and you’re completely happy with everything in your life. College is going pretty well, your mom is happy and that’s what always matters, and Mark.... became busy. You two can only talk during Sunday nights because he has a part time job already and he needs to study, so who are you to demand for time, right?

Until one day you saw a girl behind him sleeping in his bed so soundly during one of your FaceTime calls with him. “Let me guess, she can lasts six rounds” there was bitterness with how you talked to him, you’re just thankful that he didn’t deny it.

“Eight actually” it was not right to say that and he knew that, but he doesn’t understand why are you so upset.

“The fact that you told me you’re busy and you cant talk to me because of some reasons then I’ll find out about this? Im your best friend” there was a moment of silence, then it hit you. “Am I?” he never once lied to you, even if he wants to lie to you about something he always tells you the truth no matter how it will hurt your feelings.

“Of course you are, you’re hurting me how can you say things like that”

You ended the call and ignored him for much more important stuff in your life.

A month of not talking became seven hurtful months, you figured if he can replace you he can be replaced too. You thought maybe that this is just for the sake of having revenge, but it’s not.

Taeyong was definitely not for revenge. You fell hard, head first and it felt good. He was a lot like Mark but more free spirited than Mark or maybe because he’s older and he’s graduating college soon. Taeyong adore you and your mom, he can even make your mom laugh and you’d be happy just by hearing her laughs. Sex with him was also great. Greater than the one you had with Mark but you figured thats already given because Taeyong is experienced.

You were in the middle of finishing a paper when Taeyong lure you into taking a break and have an adult stress release. With no questions asked you jumped on him, leaving your laptop open and leaving your paper that’s due in a couple of hours.

He was balls deep inside you when Mark called through FaceTime and your FaceTime in your laptop automatically accepts calls. You didn’t even know that the call was ongoing and that Mark saw you and Taeyong having sex in your bedroom.

Mark called to tell you know that he’s wrong about choosing someone over you and that he’s coming home for a three day vacation again. But instead of having a talk with you, Mark saw you and Taeyong while you’re both at it and he saw you laughing loud when while Taeyong is kissing your neck. Mark looked away and ended the call.

Days passed by and you didn’t know about what Mark saw. And it’s been almost a year from the last time you two had a conversation, that’s why you’re shocked when you saw him at church one fine Sunday morning. After the mass you waited for him outside the church, “You hate me so much that you didn’t even tell me you were coming home?” you were furious.

He didn’t say a word because he remembered how you’re happy having sex with Taeyong a few days ago. “You hate me so much you didn’t tell me anything about your boyfriend” he said and walked away, just like that.

Mark never stopped loving you, but he was hurt. He went to your house but didn’t have the guts to knock and talk to you but your mother saw him. “Mark? My love what are you doing here? Its cold outside, come in y/n is not home so its safe” he was shocked that your mother knew about his misunderstanding with you.

Your mother made Mark his favorite tea and gave it to him with a smirk that made him let out a laugh. “Im guessing you knew already?” You mom nods, still has a smirk on her face.

“Taeyong is a sweet boy you don’t need to worry. You can’t blame him, you’re too slow. You always had your chance but I don’t know what’s keeping you from winning her. I’m starting to get disappointed” your mother teases Mark and playfully pretends that she’s disappointed.

“I’m better than that guy- just give me a few more months. Or years” Mark gulped, realising what he’s promising to your mother, “I won’t stop until I become your son in law”

“That’s the spirit! To be perfectly honestly you two are stressing me out, so please do what you must”

You are getting tired of the constant push and pull with Mark so you decided to finally talk to him and iron things out before things get out before misfortunes like losing your friendship happens. Even though you’re not sure if he’s okay to talk you still went to his house, only to find out that he went somewhere. “It’s okay Mrs. Lee, I’ll wait here” you point at their porch swing and there, you wait for your best friend to come home.

“Y/n?”

“Hey” you nervously stood up from the swing, “I was waiting for you”

“Good. We need to talk” he sat down next to your side of the swing and he rocks it gently, giving you guys a little breeze. You notice he’s awfully in a good mood and you wonder why.

“Can we please stop fighting? This is not us. I miss you and- I don’t have to fabricate what I want to say to you. I miss my best friend, and that’s that” you kept it real and short because you’re dying to hear him talk, you want to hear his side, his point of view, his say in all of this.

“I wasn’t keeping that girl, she was never a secret. It just kind of happened. Life can be so stressful if you’re alone and far from home. Then you over reacted and started calling me a liar but the truth is I don’t know how to say that ‘hey, I had sex last night’”

“Of course you can tell me if you had sex with other girls Mark, why would you think that I won’t care?”

“Don’t fool yourself, y/n. We both know we have feelings for each other. We don’t say it out loud because were scared someone might get hurt. But our actions speaks loud and clear for us”

What Mark said was true, and as expected the truth was too much for you. Taeyong flashes in your mind and you constantly ask yourself if this is considered cheating. “What are we going to do now?” you asked him.

“I know too well what I’m going to do, and I’m not telling it to you. And I know that Taeyong is a nice person, I know because I just talked to your mom. If you’re happy with him, then be happy with him. Don’t let what’s going on between us ruin that great relationship. I just want for us to stop fucking fighting, like what you said I miss my best friend and that’s that” he smiled sweetly at you and pulled you in a hug. His hug that you missed so much you don’t want to let go now.

‘Good things happen to those who wait, but great things happen to those who ‘hustle’ it’s a quote that Mark read somewhere in the internet and he couldn’t agree more. But in his case, he can’t ‘hustle’ because that means stealing you from Taeyong. So he waits. Patiently. If fate decides to bring you two together, then Mark will definitely grab that chance.

Things went back to normal and the two of you talk again everyday during your senior year in college. Sharing stressful times during internship and talking about what you guys want to happen in the future. It’s always been like this with Mark, you two are very different people who have different views and goals in life but nonetheless you support each other no matter what happens and you two somehow meet in the middle and work things out. For the importance your friendship.

Did you stop him from studying college in Canada? No. Did he stop you from dating Taeyong? No. You strongly believe that your differences makes your friendship more interesting.

You and Taeyong on the other hand, had a rough time and decided to end things because it’s the right thing to do. He can’t keep on disappointing you when he forgets about your dates, he has a stable job so he’s busier than ever and he admits he’s been falling out of love. You were hurt. And you decided to stay single and heal alone from the heartbreak before you open a new chapter with Mark. Now, you’ve been single for almost half a year already and Mark is clueless.

“Do you think that it’s unfair that you get to attend to my graduation but I can’t attend on yours?” you watch Mark fix his gradation robe through your phone and you feel so proud of your best friend.

“Fine. Fly here now, I’ll give you an hour” he jokes, and you both let out a laugh. “Don’t worry, were still having the same graduation dinner. Again.” he adds.

“Okay fine, then. I’ll see you tomorrow, at my graduation. Oh can you bring that robe? I want us to take a picture wearing our graduation gowns” you pout through your screen.

“Well, It’s not allowed but fine princess, I’ll make it happen” the pet name made your heart flutter.

Graduation felt more like prom to you. Why? Because you’re looking forward to see Mark and take cute graduation pictures with him. After the graduation ceremony, it was not hard for you to find him because he’s the only person who’s wearing a different graduation robe.

“Mark!” you ran towards him excitedly and he catches you with welcoming arms. “you look fucking handsome!”

“I know, told you I’ll make it happen” he winks at you and put you down on the ground.

“Now now children, just like prom. Look at the camera. Big smiles please!” your mother initiates to take those cute pictures you always dreamed of. “Honey go see some of your friends, we’ll wait here” and off you go to say goodbye to your friends.

While you were away, your mom took the chance to talk to Mark and tell him that you and Taeyong are long gone. “What? She didn’t tell me anything about them breaking up” Mark was shocked, he felt betrayed for a moment but mostly happy because now he can finally ‘hustle’.

“Honey, she wants to recover from the breakup by herself. She didn’t want to drag you in the mess. Just like you she waited patiently for the right time, until she heals”

Because of that great news, and you didn’t know that Mark already knew about the truth, he became bold about his feelings for you. Now that you’re both home and Mark will not go back to Canada anytime soon, you spend each day together just like when you were in high school. You notice how he flirts with you constantly everyday, how he tells you he loves you without even stuttering, he even asked you, “if we end up getting married someday, which will probably happen” he winks, “how many kids do you want” and the question completely caught you off guard.

It was Netflix and chill night and you and Mark are cuddled in the middle of his bed watching a scary movie, screaming and shouting like teenagers. After the movie, he needed to pee but he didn’t want to go to the bathroom alone, “come on, I’ll stay with you while you pee” you offered and he gladly accepted.

While he pees, you snoop around his bathroom stuff and you see the box of condoms and recognised the condom brand, “is this the one we used that night?” you asked boldly.

He chuckled low, shy to to answer your question but he said, “same brand. different box”

Something came inside your head that maybe he used it all up while he waits for you ‘patiently’ during your time with Taeyong. “And no I didn’t fool around while I was waiting for you. The box before that was the box. Our box.”

“So this new box will wait patiently too?” you teased him.

“No it’s for tonight” he came closer to you and hugged you from behind, looking at you through the mirror. “Why didn’t you say that you and Taeyong were long done?”

“Let me guess, my mom told you” he nods, you turned around to face without breaking his grasp around your waist. “That’s cheating” the teasing never stops and you returned the hug. Putting your arms around his neck and ruffling his soft hair.

“Are we together again?” Mark asked shyly, his blush was visible and it made smile and nod your head to answer his question.

The next thing you know, your lips touched. It was like the first time you kissed him, or rather the second time. The way he kisses you is still the same, full of love, careful and addicting. It’s the exact same lips you want to kiss everyday and forever for as long as you want, and anytime you want.

He caries you back to his bed without breaking the kiss, thinking about how many times he imagined this kind of moment with you again. He sat on the edge of his bed as he puts you on his lap and carefully removes your clothes. You did the same with him and you’re eyes widened when he’s perfect body greets you. “You’ve been working out?”

“Mhmm. Since the day you sent me that sexy picture of yours, thought it might not be fair if you’re the only one who has a hot body” the thought of Mark looking forward to have sex with you again made you laugh and remove the pieces of clothing remaining in your body. You pushed him to the mattress and removed your pants in one swift move then proceed to remove Mark’s.

The kissing continues once you’re both naked in bed already, touching each other freely and boldly. Mark being on top and you laying comfortable beneath him. As the moment became more intense, the feeling of his kisses changed. It became filthy and lustful, and you want more. He took turns between your lips and your nipples, holding you close to his body. “I’ll be right back”

You try to guess how many condoms he’s going to use tonight, and to your surprise. He brought one. Only one. And somehow you get what he’s saying with that condom statement. “One condom is enough to prove and show to you how I love you so much, then I can do it again on the next day, then again and again” he kissed your nose as he kneels in between your legs. “but if you want to finish the whole box tonight, it’s fine with me”

“Hmm. No, one is enough for me too”

“Thought so too” he guides your hand to pump his dick and make him hard even more before he rolls the condom. He put both of his arms on both sides of your head and leaned down even more so he could reach your lips and kiss you while he fucks you. It was a feeling like any other when Mark finally pushed in. Not even Taeyong can make you feel good like this, as if every thrust is full of pleasure.

You feel your body being dragged from the mattress because of his fast pace and hard thrusts. Eventually pulling away from the kiss for air and let out all your whines. Mark’s thrusts are sometimes slow and deep like he’s rearranging your guts, and sometimes his thrusts are piercing and fast.

“No more pretending, I love you and I will never let you go again” he said those beautiful words while he was thrusting fast and gripping your hand, bringing you to your climax.

You do love him too so much but you can’t say it out loud because he didn’t stopped thrusting until it’s too much for you that your toes curled and you shake uncontrollably underneath him, moaning his name loudly. He finally stopped and loaded the condom with his cum. You watch him removed it from his dick and throw it away but his dick still shoots some more cum on the sheets and you watch him get embarrassed.

After cleaning up, he slides under his thick cover and cuddles with you. Arms around each other saying ‘i love you’ over and over again and sealing it with hundreds of kisses.

Story time

During my prom, I have this friend who moved to Canada we were really good friends. He became face of the night during prom because everyone wants to take pictures with him because he’s going to leave the next day already.

We stayed good friends we just talk everyday and he helped me through a really bad breakup and then I helped him surprise his girlfriend during valentines. (we have a flower shop and he bought expensive af flowers for the girl and we delivered it to her house) the she cheated.

And then after six years he went home and we had coffee :))))

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innocentbeing · 3 years

Text

I want to make a post about madam red!! like I just wanna talk about how prominent she might have been in ociel’s life in those 3 years???

LIKE... she took up in one of the few people he relied on for his watchdog duties.?? And.. I just can’t imagine that she did that 3 years prior for vincent.. I cant even imagine Rachel allowing that to happen LOL. Plus so far, nothing in flashbacks gave me the impression that she helped Vincent with his work. she was just a regular aunt that came and played with them until the tragedy happened...

which means she specially got with the underground to help Ciel (tho im sure her being a mass murder and having grelle at her side made it an easy decision as she would be used to the horror she’d have to face)

BUT ANYWAY.. that’s just so... ITS SO MEANINGFUL TO ME?? LIKE OCIEL HATES RELYING ON ANYONE, ESP PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSE TO HIM. i can’t imagine him inviting her to the job or just easily saying yes. I imagine she would simply not take no for an answer... and PUSHED her way in to be involved in his life. to help him, to have an active role.

and LIke.. I know we have 0 info on what the midford’s did when he returned but like.. As far as we’ve seen.. not even Frances or Alexis did that. ociel does not rely on them. they are never a part of his missions, they dont provide info and he doesnt ask them.

that was not the case with madam red.. like Literally she was on the same level as Diedrich & Lau & Claus, people he goes to when he needs some help/information

LIKE.. She was IN HIS CIRCLE...

and like, even though she (and lau) invited themselves, she only knew he’d be in london because he told her

and then after that he just gets right into WHY he’s there and what the job is etc. etc.

He let’s her know. SGYDUHI LIKE THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME because all I’m thinking about it how in the Cricket arc, when Ed asked if he was playing due his work Ociel was like

“Does you work have anything to do with tomorrow’s matches—?”

“Can’t say it doesn’t but you can have at it without worrying about that.”

It’s so vague. he doesn’t even give him a definite yes. it’s so distant. i mean, they didn’t even know he was there.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they only knew he was in Weston because Edward told them after he found out sdhuisj

AND ITS JUST.... SO DIFFERENT... THE DIFFERENCE IS SO CRYSTAL CLEAR..

LIKE I CANT GET OVER IT... he had no quarrels over her being there, by his side, helping him. and it’s not like he knew about her being Jack the Ripper yet or that she had Grelle. as far as he knew, she was just his sociable Aunt who was also a doctor.

she wasnt like diedrich or claus where he kinda inherited their help after his father. nor was she like Lau, some mafia genius. She was just auntie Ann. and yet there he was, accepting her help, inviting her.

and just.. when I think about it, it makes her death— literally dying right in front of him— that much more tragic

#dnt look at me

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