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rami-pastrami · 4 years

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𝕗𝕒𝕔𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 ; 𝗿&𝗯

date; 3.3.2020 time; 8pm (los angeles) - 4am (berlin) notes; mostly just soft stuff. also @jlxngz mentions b/c 😏

@brendonisms

brendon

the hotel was cold. despite the large, fluffy comforter burying his tired limbs and the slumbering athlete beside him, the emptiness had still managed to follow him overseas. the endless glasses of jameson did little to remedy this, though he was pouring himself yet another as the familiar ringing filled the quiet room. "hey, you." once rami's features were coming into view, brendon was slouching ever so slightly against his pillow, the lamp on his bedside table the only thing warding off the darkness. "sorry if i'm-" a yawn punctuated the statement, despite the fact that he felt awake as ever. "-ugly right now. jet lag's a bitch.." a tired smile littered his features. "how are you? what time is it there?"

rami

he'd had his own brand of restless nights as of late -- prior to his rehab, he's struggled to fall asleep in he first place. now, he couldn't seem to stay asleep, try as he might, and many hours were wasted laying in bed, willing the sleep to return. it meant that his sleeping schedule was highly irregular and his days were sprinkled with sporadic naps here and there to make up for time lost during the night. stretched out in bed despite the early hour, rami's curls were a wild mess that he hadn't considered fixing before noticing them on his screen after brendon picked up. his eyes narrowed at his own reflection but a smile was quick to follow at the singer's languid greeting, his attention darting from the top corner of the screen to settle on brendon's sleepy features. "you're never ugly, just stupid," he corrected him gently. the lighting was a bit better on his end, given the time, which he had to turn his head to look at the bedside clock to confirm. "seven-ish.. only slept three hours last night though, so i'm pretty out of it," he answered in a low tone. "good otherwise, though... lonely, but you knew that." another soft, upward twitch of his lips and a quick inhale. "how's berlin? s'late there... party too hard?" his tone was light and genial -- anything but judgmental.

brendon

"just stupid. right." rolling his eyes fondly, brendon took in what he could from the screen, everything from those tired eyes to messy curls. though several weeks had passed, the polynesian frequently found himself dwelling on emerald orbs and unexpected confessions, and though rami had admitted to seeking help, the incessant worry seemed too stubborn to give him rest. fortunately, with the actor in his view, it was quieting down. "only three?" thick eyebrows raising at the admission, he was sure to keep his tone non-accusatory as he asked, "why haven't you been sleeping?" the mention of partying was bringing another roll to his eyes, though a smile was soon following. "berlin's.. lit. really lit. practically had to carry j home the first night." eyes momentarily tearing away from the screen, he eyed the slumbering brit before meeting rami's gaze. "jesse, i mean. lingard. the footballer."

rami

each eyeroll just made rami grow a little fonder, and for a moment, he loathed how far away berlin was from LA. "dunno.. trying my hardest, but the brain just doesn't seem to want to be quiet for too long. it's alright, i've been catchin' cat naps here n' there, i'm surviving." an eyebrow quirked at the nickname, and when brendon elaborated, rami couldn't stop the look of disapproval that marred his otherwise happy expression. a grunt came tumbling forth, married with an eyeroll of his own. "jesse? ugh. you'll find better company a the bottom of a barrel of dead fish," he groaned. despite his harsh words, there was something about the way he said it -- and perhaps even the hint of a smirk that danced across his lips -- that indicated his annoyance wasn't fully hostile in nature. "let me know if he dies along the way, i'll be happy to arrange his funeral."

brendon

not incredibly pleased with the explanation, though under the impression that surviving was as good of an answer he could hope for, brendon forced the remainder of his light interrogation down for another time. this became easier as rami's reaction to the footballer fed through the screen. muffling his laughter behind a clenched fist, the polynesian took a moment to catch his breath and ensure he wouldn't dissolve into a louder fit of chuckles before responding. "i always forget how much you guys don't like each other." though, the same could be said about himself and the footballer as well. "it's funny because you're pretty much 'twinning' in every possible way." restless as ever, he fingered at his glass of whiskey before taking a swig, letting the silence wash over him as he sorted his thoughts. "i dunno'.. just didn't wanna' be in la anymore, i guess." the added explanation incredibly delayed, he wouldn't be surprised if the actor struggled to keep up. "tired of my house.. starting to get tired of the studio. just needed a change of pace for a bit."

rami

"fuck, perish the thought," rami grumbled in response to their apparent 'twinning'. "he's dumber than a horse's ass, and about as cute as one, too." a sideways glance to the glowing screen of his phone showed off the full-blown grin that now rested over his look of irritation. it faded a bit at the silence that passed between them, comfortable as it was -- but then brendon was speaking again, and rami had to pause a moment to follow his train of thought. "ah.." he muttered gently, nodding his head. "i get that... shit, i've run off to other countries twice now just 'cause i couldn't stand another moment wherever i was at the time." there was another beat of quiet, and then rami was adding in a hushed voice, "just ah, don't disappear for a year, like i did, okay? n' if you're ever sick of home, you're more than welcome to stay at mine... sami's gone, so i've decided to reopen it to the public."

brendon

“really?” the statement taken by surprise, brendon’s curiosity had gotten control of the reigns. the egyptian’s mental health had only fallen on his radar recently, and the topic frequently found its way into his endlessly running train of thoughts when mornings were quiet or worries especially loud. “i won’t disappear.. i promise.. zack would kill me.” the musician’s manager had gotten so skilled at reigning him in over the years, it made impulsivity in the wake of looming commitments less likely. “where did you go?” fully aware he was toeing the line, brendon gently nudged on. “like.. when you disappeared?”

rami

".. argentina, for the long stint. it was after joe n' i finished filming the pacific.." he shook his head, closing his eyes while his brow knitted as the ghostly remains of all those complex emotions were recalled to the forefront of his mind. "got it in my head that it'd help with my.. issues.. didn't, obviously, and i ended up back in LA and moved in with my brother. the other time, it was to thailand, for a couple weeks. hid out in the jungle in a little bungalow till i felt better. so.. like i said, i get it."

brendon

“all the way to thailand?” the hypocrisy so painfully loud it was hard to ignore, brendon was hesitating. the similarity between the situations suddenly made the remaining liquid in his glass seem like a sliver, though he resisted the urge to pour himself more, already considerably inebriated. “and.. did you feel better?” by the look of things, apparently not, though brendon asked anyway.

rami

"not particularly. but i knew a few people would be getting worried, so i crawled back to face their wrath. it sucked.. probably wouldn't do it again, at least i don't think i would, but you never can tell with these things." he looked back to brendon, lip pinched between his teeth for a moment before he went on. "i'd at least make sure to tell the one's that'd miss me before i went, i suppose that's the biggest difference between then and now. it was a panic thing... left with nothing but my dog and the clothes on my back, didn't so much as tell a soul where i was." rami smiled gently, almost sadly. "so at least i'm talking to you now, huh?"

brendon

the whole prospect seemed ludicrous. the polynesian had had his fair share of benders to date, though nearly all of them involved another unlucky soul he’d lasso’d into doing his bidding. he’d never been good at being alone which probably explained why the idea seemed so far fetched as a result. “yeah.. no falling off the grid unless you’re getting help.” the hypocrisy leaving a bad taste in his mouth, he was taking another, longer swig from his glass and letting the burn take over his senses. “are you.. gonna’ be hanging around la indefinitely then?” using a ringed finger to trace the rim of his glass, his gaze periodically flickered to the half-empty bottle across the room. “when you’re not sexing up captain marvel, you should.. come over.” any company was better than nothing at that point. “i have penny this month and word on the street is she misses a certain someone so.. mi casa su casa and shit.”

rami

rami's gaze followed the glass as it was lifted to brendon's lips, and he couldn't help the mild twitch of concern in his expression. "roger roger, corporal," he agreed softly, dragging a hand over his face. "mm? oh... for a while, at least. sold the place in new york, didn't uh.. didn't want to see the inside of that apartment again, as you can imagine. thinking about finding a different one instead, but i don't know. don't really have anything keeping me there anymore... it'd just be a stand-in for the occasional hotel room.." a gentle smile spread across his lips at brendon's offer, shaking his head at the thinly veiled analogy for i miss you. "thanks, bren. i will." before he could continue, a naked paw came from the bottom of the frame, toes spread as it stretched to pap him carefully at the corner of his lips. rami made a face, kissing the cat's paw before gently pushing it away with his free hand. "you gonna be back by this weekend, you think?"

brendon

"should be back by this weekend, yeah." should being the keyword. brendon knew he couldn't avoid la forever, especially what awaited him within, but every day spent away seemed to alleviate the symptoms that had been eating away at him since the new year. "i'm heading to seoul for a night or two-" or three. "-might extend my stay if it's especially litty, but i'm pretty sure it's cold as shit over there too, so." he shrugged, already fed up with berlin's frigid climate two days in. "probably will end up missing the city sooner than planned." the weather, at the very least. "so.." no inclined to linger on the topic of his own flighty behavior, he was bringing another swallowed question to light. "..how long have you and brie been an item?" curiosity mostly fueled this. "i know you mentioned being friends for years, but i never knew there was an us."

rami

"oh yeah? that'll be fun. keep warm wherever you end up and for however long, then... my little marshmallow." he added the last bit with a knowing smirk, nestling back and nodding his head as the conversation moved elsewhere. a topic that he really hadn't talked about with anyone, at least not in any great detail... he tended to be a private person, but that dynamic understandably had to change when it came to partners. which... neither brie nor brendon had agreed to such a label, and rami wouldn't be one to push it, but once there were feelings involved, he was more inclined to be forthcoming about equally important relationships. "well.. not long, actually. first week or two of january this year, she'd just broken up with her girlfriend and i went over to offer comfort.. ended up being a bit more than the usual brand, clearly." he shrugged. "normally wouldn't want to end up a rebound like that, but there was a lot more going on beneath the surface.. things we said to one another while it was still innocent. plus, i thought it was going to be the last chance i had--" he cut himself off, his train of thought completely derailing as his brain caught up to his mouth and realized where he'd been headed. no need to bring that up now, it was done and past, and brendon had suffered enough anxiety at his expense already. "... so i just went with it."

brendon

though he only just recently became aware of the actor and actress' relationship status, it wasn't as if it were a huge surprise. his attraction towards the pair were like two halves of the same coin, though the musician was more emotionally devoted to one side than the other. the dance his fingers had been doing with his now-empty glass was coming to a stop as he set it aside and he instead busied himself with a loose string on the end of his long-sleeved tee, rami's words washing over him. "yeah?" he'd murmured following the brief monologue, catching the unfinished sentence though choosing not to acknowledge it. "well.. i'm happy you two are happy." as tiredly as he'd said it, it was true. all the polynesian seemed to want these days were his loved ones general well-being, despite their determination for the opposite. his eyes were instinctively flickering towards the slumbering athlete beside him as the thought fluttered from his mind, and the heaviness was returning in his chest, though he didn't voice this either. "life's too short for what-ifs. second-guessing is so 2019."

rami

a quick, well-intentioned smile was thrown in brendon's direction, but rami couldn't help but feel that something was amiss. "yeah," he agreed quietly, having noticed the shift in brendon's attention. the musician's words floated around his mind for a few moments before he sucked in a gentle breath, doing his best to not let the concern he felt show on his face. "are you happy?" he let the question hang in the air for a few seconds before adding, "i know we've been... well, we were pretty focused on me and my... troubles for a while, but... this impromptu getaway, this need to get out of LA.. you alright? there something you wanna talk about?"

brendon

he'd just about tugged an entire sliver of loose threading from his sleeve when rami's question was dancing from his device, though he waited a few extra beats before choosing to respond. "i'm not.. unhappy." his emotions a feat too complex for even himself to tackle on a normal day, brendon was adding a shrug before shaking his head. "just tired of the city." it wasn't a lie. every day spent in the warm, humid stuffiness that was los angeles seemed to drive the musician closer and closer to madness, though he couldn't pinpoint why -- or simply refused to. "don't worry about me. i'm not.." worth it. "..gonna' vanish or anything. just needed a change of scenery." the lies that'd seep from between his teeth had no taste these days, repetition breeding ease. "i'll probably end up dozing off on you soon though." he was adding in a more lighthearted tone, lips curling into a half-smile. "just a.." a yawn punctuated the sentence. "..warning.."(edited)March 10, 2020

rami

there had to be plenty he wasn't saying, rami could read that on his face despite the pixelated lag. but, he knew better than anyone that sometimes accepting the little lies was the best course of action -- he trusted that brendon would come to him if things became unbearable, or at least bad enough that he wanted to share the load. for now, rami would let him deal with things in his own way and make sure he was always there as a safety net, should the need arise. he hoped, though, that it wouldn't. he hoped that the musician's restlessness would either find a productive outlet, or ease off naturally. "okay," he said gently, giving brendon a small nod. "i trust you." his smile broadened when his counterpart yawned, tongue clicking disapprovingly. "go to sleep, love. ah, but make sure you pound some water first, yeah? gotta promise me." rami's gaze dropped, the fond grin still lingering on his lips. "lookin' forward to seeing you.. i love you. take care of yourself for me, yeah?"

brendon

i trust you. rather than vocalize how that was an ill-advised decision on so many different levels, brendon was nodding curtly, resisting the returning urge to eye the abandoned bottle of whiskey taunting him on a distant table. “gonna’ pound that water real good..” he was murmuring suggestively, a more authentic, tired smile gracing his features at the undertone. “and i love you too.. throw back some nyquil if you keep having trouble and enjoy some wicked hallucinations while you’re at it.” entirely joking, he was carding restless fingers through his messy fringe. “and.. thanks for the call.” he’d added as an afterthought before he was hitting the red button hovering at the bottom of the screen and things were going black.

#. 𝕟𝕖𝕨 𝕡𝕙𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕕𝕚𝕤? ; call #. 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 ; b. urie

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its8simplejulesblog · 4 years

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It’s Been 17 Days

Since I’ve written anything on here..I’m sorry. I think I just got caught up in the monotony of quarantine (and also I did a lot of tanning/ subsequent falling asleep on my porch outside) that took up a lot of my time. However, the pessimistic side of me says that no one really reads this anyway, so maybe the timing isn’t as important as I thought, and this really is just for me. No matter, I find that I can’t force my writing. I really only do it when there is something pressing on my mind and there definitely is tonight.

(idk why the only gifs on tumblr are anime girls, but honestly I’m not that surprised)

Quarantine has tested me a lot in terms of how I deal with my view of myself. I’m sure that’s true for everyone. When I have absolutely nothing to do I’ll sit on my bed and think about what my values are. I know that first and foremost, knowing my worth is something I value a lot. Sometimes I have to peel myself off of tik tok because even though I feel the best I ever have, it’s still impossible to not be disheartened by the appearances of some of the girls on that app. It’s so sad too because you can clearly see the affects that that kind of content has on its audiences.

I think that something I’ve come to notice as well is that modeling was a really healthy thing in my life before the pandemic started. That seems really backwards, but I think that it boosted my spirits so much. I think it’s because I never went into it with the mindset of “I want everyone to feel like shit looking at a good picture of me,” but moreso, “I’m actually really happy with myself right now and I want to capture that feeling.” Working with Dom has been a highlight as well, because even though we’re promoting her business, it’s just fun for us. We put on Disney music and laugh and she makes me feel like I should be proud of myself. And, the beautiful thing about it is that everyone has something that makes them feel like that: whether it’s singing or dancing or acting or programming or mechanical engineering or drawing etc etc.

Another thing I’ve noticed on tik tok: everyone..and I mean EVERYONE is obsessed with love. For obvious reasons, haha, but the level of toxicity is crazy. It’s almost like no one knows how they really should be treated and the bare minimum is a shock. The amount of tik toks that are about girls getting texts from their crush or being left on read or their body counts or makeup to impress him is exhausting. Honestly, I feel fatigued :) And it is nearly always followed by tik toks of girls crying and their makeup is running and they’re saying they hate men or they’re screaming about how their ex is a piece of shit and “look at me now.”

I get it, I understand everything they’re saying. Getting left on read sucks, and it hurts, and you overthink it and think you did something wrong. But, at the end of the day, do you SEE yourself? You look ridiculous. One of my biggest lessons in quarantine is quite simply to let that shit go. Did I cry to my mom at 4am because I guy stopped talking to me for a day? Yes, but did I reflect on it and recognize that that was probably a waste of time (and sleep) also yes.

In all of my blog posts the central message ends up being essentially the same, perspective. Recently I’ve chosen to see the world in as positive a light as I possibly can. It’s SO hard to do, especially in these times, but I’m holding out for good. Good attracts good. I like to think. If you sink yourself as low as you can, and believe the worst in people, then that’s what you’ll attract, and you’ll end up hurt. It happens everyone time. I know that a lot of stuff I write sounds so cringey, but it is truly stuff I have come to believe during quarantine. You almost feel lighter when you treat life like a gift instead of a curse.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Not in an unhealthy way, because I like to be as mindful to what is in front of me as possible, but as something to get excited about. I can’t wait to (possibly) go to grad school. I can’t wait to travel and do good for others. I can’t wait to learn as much as I can about as many people as I can. I can’t wait to meet my best friend and get married and blah blah I’m just excited. I just wish more people would embrace the uncertainty of the things to come instead of back away from it (disclaimer that I recognize that this is a privilege I have as I notice that there are many factors that lend to my opportunities in this weird world we live in)

So, when things don’t go my way in the present, I’m not going to say it’s not hard. Being an empath, I get close and attached to people really quickly and when it’s not reciprocated in the same way it really really stings. The key is not taking that to heart though. I know what I’m worth and while I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I also need to recognize that it’s just a fact that not everything will work out in my favor. And if someone is not jumping at the chance to talk to you or be with you or make you feel like you’re not worth their time then you need to recognize that that’s not a reflection of your value.

I always knew that :) That was nothing new. Putting it into practice is harder though, but every night I feel better. (I also say this every time) but the people you surround yourself with tend to be a reflection of how you feel about yourself and I’m happy to say that that is true for me.

Of course, there are times when some things just make no sense and you take it out on yourself; but let me be the first to urge you not to do that. You never ever know what is going on in someone’s life or mind. We’re all innately, primally, selfish, so of course we would think that we did something to provoke someone or make them hate us. Chances are though, it doesn’t involve you. The more I grow up the more selective I am in the battles I choose. Most of the times, playing games with people is not the move. If you’re upset, please god be upfront about it. You don’t want to spend your time on someone or something that doesn’t make you better.

The second, and more important part of that though: leave it alone. This is something I struggle with. If I’m upset with someone I’m usually not “mean,” I’ll just make a lot of passive aggressive jokes about them. Again, not my finest moments. It’s something I’m working on leaving in the past. There’s no use bringing someone else down. I’m not a hypocrite.

Anyway, in conclusion, I know that quarantine can be pretty lonely. I think I’m more lonely now than I was before solely because people are starting to go out and hang out with friends now (which is something that my family has definitely been more cautious about). At the end of it all though, I think I made the best friend I’ve ever had during quarantine (it’s myself, if that wasn’t clear)

It’s so difficult to sit with yourself and be content. I’m definitely not there, but I’m a lot closer than I was. And even though I most definitely fo not talk to my friends 24/7, I know they’re still there. That trust is something I really value. And, while I appreciate it, I’m excited to carry my own weight a little bit better when this is all over.

You’re all Valuable (Yes I mean ALL of you)

-Julia

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stephhannes · 5 years

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212.

one year ago, we left new york.

a week before we moved out of our apartment, i started cleaning. our kitchen was a straight-up disaster zone. when we first moved in, the AC unit in the kitchen was leaking underneath the tiles so everything was just….moist for awhile. for whatever reason, nathan refused to call maintenance whenever something was broken in the apartment so we lived with a wet floor for months until it started leaking in the apartment below us and they fixed it one day when i was at work.

because of that, there were weird remnants of amazon boxes that had melted and become a frankentile with the flooring. and we put off cleaning that for….the entire time we lived there. nathan’s whole concept of cleaning was “we can put it off until right before we move, it’ll be fine, we’ll still get our security deposit back.” i, however, could not live in a scum palace, so i would clean up once a week, but a lot of it slipped through the cracks. so the week before we left, there i was, cleaning all the cracks in the kitchen. i sat and scrubbed the kitchen floor for hours, painstakingly scraping up weird sticky spots and cardboard. there was a drawer that just had loose rice in it from a broken bag, and cleaning that was surprisingly tricky. i lysol’d the chicken shelf. i completely dismembered our stove to scrub underneath the burners. i swept up all of the onion skin and coffee grounds that had fallen in the crevice between the counters and the fridge. and then i moved onto the bathroom. while i wish i could have taken a match to the room, i just poured fabuloso all over the entire space, which is basically the same thing. my favorite part was when nathan came home one day and was like “wow, the bathroom looks so nice….why did you clean it?” and i was just like…..because, you idiot, we’re moving in a week and i’m trying to get a security deposit back. the only thing worse than having to clean all of the hair out of the sink was the period of time that our bathtub wouldn’t drain and i had to take a bath with every shower i took.

i’m a person who likes to be over-prepared. especially when it comes to things like traveling, or moving. i make lists, i get all my ducks in a row ahead of time and count them twice. nathan is the exact opposite. we left nyc on the morning of may 23rd, and i couldn’t quit work until may 21st, because i couldn’t afford to take any more days than that off. in my head, i anticipated that on the 22nd we would have been doing the final touches on cleaning and packing. we would have all our furniture out, all of the floors swept, everything we were taking back to texas in suitcases. the only thing we’d have out is the mattress so that we could go to bed at a decent time and be well-rested for our flight the next morning, the only thing we’d have to do in the morning is toss our mattress on the streets and leave.

but of course, that’s not how it panned out. the week leading up to moving, nathan did absolutely nothing in regards to packing. the only thing that got done was the prior cleaning i had accomplished. on may 21st, i got very drunk at my going-away party at work, came home at some stupid hour and fell asleep. i woke up at like 2pm on the 22nd, and nathan still hadn’t started anything. i had to go run an errand downtown, so i picked up the halal guys on my way back uptown. when i got back, we ate and then he went to the gym and then i was like uhhh ok i guess i should start getting shit together. so while he was at the gym i packed up all of my clothes. then, when i moved onto packing up the kitchen, i realized there was a lot of alcohol still left, and me, being a certified poor person, didn’t want to waste the money i had spent on it, so i started drinking while cleaning. when he got back from the gym, we accomplished my favorite part of moving- we slam dunked his nasty basketball shoes right into the dumpster.

we took turns throwing trash out into the hall, and leaving furniture down in the lobby. and eventually, around 4am, we had most of our garbage cleaned out of the apartment. also by this point, i had sobered up from drinking earlier in the night and was feeling dehydrated and terrible. all i wanted to do was sleep, but we still had so much to get done. by this point, i was getting stressed because we definitely were not close to finishing on time.

my breaking point was when we were trying to re-assemble our smoke detector. we disassembled it at some point early in our time living there because it would go off even if we were just boiling water. nathan struggled to put it back together for like 10 minutes and called me into the hallway to advise. me, being a person who’s done this before suggested, “oh so you have to flip that latch and then put the battery on top of it, then screw on the top,” and of course, immediately, nathan was like “no, that’s not right that doesn’t make any sense,” and after struggling for five more minutes i pushed him out of the way and was like, “oh my god let me do this” and i re-assembled it on my first try. because i was right.

we watched the sun rise over the GWB one last time.

our flight was leaving in 3 hours. we still had a couch, and a bed, and a table in the apartment. i had a headache. we hadn’t eaten in hours. so while nathan ran out to get bagels i cried for a solid 15 minutes out of exhaustion and stress.

i moved to new york with two suitcases. one for all my clothes/shoes, and one for towels, linens and pillows. somehow i thought i’d be able to leave new york with two suitcases, despite having accumulating even more stuff. i was shocked when i was actually able to fit everything that i owned and wanted to keep into one suitcase, my second one was basically just dedicated to nathan’s shoes and winter clothes.

when we were leaving for the airport i remember mentioning, “hey we should probably call an uber because i doubt all of our suitcases are going to fit into a taxi,” but nathan refused, so we walked two blocks to get a taxi and then had to spend a stupid amount of time playing jenga to get our suitcases into aforementioned taxi. two fit in the trunk, one was in the front seat, one was in my lap.

my suitcase was 10lbs overweight and southwest charges $75 for an overweight bag. so of course i lost my god damn mind and started crying and flung myself to the floor and started throwing things out of my bag and trying to shuffle things around to get it underweight. i was an airport goblin. here’s the thing: i’m actually very good at traveling. i’ve gotten my personal travel down to a science and i love flying and am usually very collected. but i was so stressed, i hadn’t slept in a day, and it truly brought out the worst in me.

once we made it onto the plane nathan told me that he never wanted to travel with me again because i am a disaster, and i promised that i’m not usually like that, but he definitely didn’t believe me- i’m so glad i made a good first impression. whenever we got to our parents’ houses back in texas i sent him a very nice text apologizing for being the human equivalent of a hurricane and he was just like, “it’s fine, you’re lucky i love you and also that i know exactly who you are.” which is true, i’m lucky that he knew and accepted exactly what kind of gremlin he was about to spend the rest of his life with.

despite paying a disgusting amount of money in rent, that was a dope little apartment. we had more space than we knew what to do with, literally half of our furniture in the living room was just a pile of nathan’s clothes because we needed something to take up some space. it was nice to have a doorman, even though there were a handful of times when i got stopped on my way into the building. my favorite time was when i rolled in at 3am after drinking with coworkers, and i had left my columbia ID in the apartment. usually this wasn’t an issue, but the person at the front desk stopped me for once and wouldn’t let me go upstairs without it. when you’re an actual columbia student, it’s not an issue because you can just give your student ID number to get in, but i was like “uhhhhh i don’t have one, i don’t go here, my husband does, please just let me into my home i want to be in my bed i am so drunk” and they were like “ok well he can bring your ID or he can sign you in,” and i was like “I PAY SO MUCH MONEY IN RENT HERE. MY ID IS UPSTAIRS, IN THE APARTMENT THAT I PAY RENT FOR, I CAN GO UPSTAIRS, TO THE APARTMENT I LIVE IN, AND BRING MY ID AND SHOW IT TO YOU” at this point, the doorman was DONE with me and was like, “well if i let you upstairs to get your ID, i’d still be letting you into the building without an ID and i can’t do that,” and i stood corrected, yeah ok touché, and then i had to call nathan to bring down my ID. luckily he was still awake, and since i was very drunk and love drama when i get stressed i started crying in the lobby while i was waiting for nathan to come downstairs. i would say this was my NYC rock bottom, but my NYC rock bottom was obviously the night i threw up in a mcdonald’s and 3 subway stations and lost my phone.

even though i was constantly stressed living in NYC, it was nice being able to come home to an apartment that wasn’t tiny, had a ton of natural light, and never had a rat (or carpenter bee) problem. i’m also so glad we got to avoid having roommates. we never really “moved into” our apartment- all of our furniture was trash we collected off of the streets, i never decorated anything, or even hung up all of my clothes. we knew we were going to be leaving new york after that year, so we tried to invest as little money as possible into the apartment. in fact, we invested so little money in the apartment that i didn’t have a mirror the entire time we lived there- we also had no overhead lighting. we found one lamp, so our bedroom got a lamp. if we wanted light in the living room, instead of just buying two lamps, we’d have to decide which room needed the light more and move the lamp accordingly.

when we moved to philly, even though all of our furniture was the cheapest we could find at walmart, we still actually spent money on buying matching furniture. pretty much all of our decor came from my old apartment in austin, but at least we tried to do some decorating. even though we put effort into having a kind of put-together home, it still felt less like home than 60 haven avenue did.

here’s a few pictures of our old apartment. first, the living room- where you can see “the pile” in its full glory. instead of folding and putting clothes away, nathan just dumped all of his clothing in a pile in the living room, partially because he didn’t care about organization and partially to just fill up some dead space. second, a corner of our bedroom- we fit a full mattress and still had a ton of space in the room. the window looked out at the GWB, which was my favorite part of the apartment. third, the bathroom- the only reason the shower curtain and bath mat look coordinated is because i brought them with me from my austin apartment. (the only reason we have a shower curtain is because i brought it. nathan didn’t think we needed one, and literally didn’t have one for a few weeks before i moved in). finally, the kitchen- it was pretty small but it did the job. this is a terrible picture of it, but you can see the amazon boxes that got fused to the floor when the floor started to leak. also pictured is a broom and dustpan, two items that sat in plain sight in the kitchen the entire time we lived there, but that nathan was still shocked to learn that we owned the first time he saw me sweeping the floors.

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tatooedlaura-blog · 7 years

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A Thing with You

the series read as follows:

Superman … Monday … Cheezy Pouffs … Bacon … Stumbling … Trail Mix … Punch … Friday … Preparation … Uncle Mudler … Normal … Backseat … Mudler-sense … The FBI … Unthinkable … Patience … Elephant Jokes … Cooking … Rickety Tables … Mr. Skimmer … Bert and Ernie … Midnight Confessions … The Moon … Bright Sunshine … Graying Skies … Darkened Night ... Possibilities

@today-in-fic

____________

She had no idea what jolted her awake but her body jerked, blood rushing and eyes opening, realizing she was now horizontal on a soft sofa, pillow beneath her head, blanket over her back.

And Mulder staring at her from the floor.

He was lying in the space between coffee table and couch, wedged but relaxed, another pillow halved under his chin, book open in front of him, camping lantern giving just enough light to make out the tiny print, “thunder wake you up?”

Not about to move, warm and cozy in her napping spot, she blinked a few times, doing her best to bring him into focus and failing miserably, “not sure. Probably. I have no idea.”

Twisting his head a little further, he gave her a smile, “why don’t you go back to sleep?”

She opted to fight the sandman a little longer, “why are you on the floor? You have a bed 20 steps from here.”

“20 steps are too far from you sometimes.”

The things he declared in the darkest of unknown hours made her heart quake at times and this was a prime example. The edge of her mouth twitched upwards, her gaze dropping to his mouth for a moment before jumping to his eyes, “you could have woken me up and made me go to bed.”

“Naw. Afraid you might bite me or something if I disturbed you.” His grin grew a little, “although biting while awake could be fun.”

She nearly moved to swat his back but relaxed muscles nixed that idea, “what are you reading?”

Shifting some, he got his elbows in a position so he could rise enough to flip the book over, show her the cover, “Silence of the Lambs.”

With a quick judgement of the dogeared pages and the crumbling cover, “not your first time?”

“No … no no no no no … I have read this thing over and over again. It’s my go-to for easy reading.”

“Our line of work and that’s your easy reading?”

“There’s just something about how he turns a phrase.” Flipping to the last page, “listen to this … ‘But the face on the pillow, rosy in the firelight, is certainly that of Clarice Starling, and she sleeps deeply, sweetly, in the silence of the lambs.’” Looking up at her, “he writes violence and terror and fear on a molecular level then wraps it up tight in the quietest of moments, with a peacefulness that makes you think that the horror is over and the world sleeps on.” With a smile, “you do that for me. You take my nightmare and in the most unimposing, most gentle way possible, you wrap me up and let me sleep.” Scooting closer, he kissed the tip of her nose, “I’m keeping you.”

Tilting her head, she slipped a hand around his neck, pulling his mouth up to meet hers, kissing him with an all-out possession that made him breathe deep when she finally let go, “I’m keeping you, too.”

As he turned to his back, settling on the pillow, one hand behind his head, staring up at her peeking over the couch cushion, “I think we should take tomorrow off.”

Settling her now free hand on his chest, she bunched his loose t-shirt material with her fingers, “I’m in complete agreement. Can we make it a ‘no real pants’ day?”

“Of course.”

Things went quiet again, rain smacking the window in a white-noise pattern that made her eyes heavier than lead. Fighting to keep them open, she walked her fingers up to his mouth, feeling her way over his scratchy chin, “thunderstorms all day tomorrow.”

Kissing those fingers one by one, he lingered on the last, “we’ll keep the blinds closed and the door locked and the phones off.”

“How will we order Wong’s Tacos and Happy Sushi?”

“Okay, we’ll turn the phone on for that but nothing else.”

Slowly, slowly, slowly she slithered off the edge of the cushions, dropping neatly into the crevice between Mulder and couch, head settling on shoulder, “sounds perfect.”

&&&&&&&

She persuaded him to bed around 4am, after a quick trip to the bathroom with a detour to the bedroom to pull down the sheets. Returning to her lightly snoring partner, “Mulder? Come on. Let’s go to bed. A real bed. One that’s not a twin and not within earshot of Mom.” Stroking a finger down his arm, playing momentarily with the protruding bone of his wrist, “your feet won’t hang off the end.”

Key words penetrated, Mulder wiggling his way to semi-vertical, “I’m not opening my eyes.”

“Would never have expected it.”

Up beside her and swaying like a drunk, “bed only. No antics.”

“Bed only. No antics.”

Once there, naked, satiated by the antics that weren’t supposed to happen, she couldn’t fall back asleep, her mind noiseless for the moment, content to listen to him breathe, small puffs of warm air wafting over her bare neck, reminding her that he was alive, well and here with her.

It didn’t take long.

It never took long.

The demons came knocking …

In the form of blood in the back of her throat.

The demons came knocking …

Making her crawl from their nest, steal to the bathroom, avoid the fear she saw in her eyes, head down, reflection nothing more than bent neck and parted hair.

The demons came knocking …

For the fourth time.

&&&&&&&&&&

“Hey, Mulder?”

Calling from the kitchen, mid-sushi second helping retrieval, “yeah?”

“Are you seriously planning on making me watch not one, not two but three sequels to ‘Tremors’?

He managed to balance two plates and a jug of ice tea, sitting down beside her, wiggling back into the throw blankets comfortably, “yes, yes I am.”

Tugging the afghan over her bare legs after Mulder’s unceremonious dislodging, “do I have permission to fall asleep after the first one?”

“Whatever. Great cinematic spectacles are completely lost on you, you know that?”

“I am wearing a tank top and underwear on your couch at 11:15am, eating sushi you had to bribe the owner to make for us given he’s not even open yet and then had to over-tip him the gross national product of a small country to get him to deliver. We are our own great cinematic spectacle but believe me when I say,” giving him a bashfully beautiful gaze over her Tyson, “I could easily get lost on you.”

Chopsticks full of slipping Pita roll, he stopped mid-move, replaced his food, silently took Scully’s from her lap, then, once the food was at a minimum safe distance, he attacked her, kamikaze style, diving onto her, covering her, devouring neck to navel, tank top launched with unwholesome glee. He did, however, stop after a minute, looking up from his perch between her legs, underwear still in place, lips loosely nibbling one of her numerous scars, “I can hear your belly still growling.”

Suddenly not given a flying rip about food, she blinked back a hopefully hidden tear, then tugged him forward by the ears until his mouth was over hers, an inch from contact, “I don’t need food right now.”

Noticing the fast, telltale eye flutter, he remained hovering, “you okay?”

Shit.

“Yes, I just think you need to shut up for a minute and kiss me.”

He pushed himself away from her, hands sinking into the cushions, bare knees sticking to the leather, “what happened?”

“Mulder, come on.”

“No … what happened?”

Fuck, there goes the idea of a nice, relaxing day. Scrambling up as best she could, she pulled a blanket up around her shoulders, suddenly embarrassed by light of day and intensity of stare, “can we just eat, please?”

Face serious as a heart attack with probing eyes to match, “no, we can’t.”

Irritation replaced embarrassment, “my nose started bleeding again last night after you fell asleep. That’s it, all right? It’s my business and I wish you’d stop pushing me about things that aren’t your concern.”

Standing, he found his pants, shoved his feet in shoes and left, door slamming shut behind him, echoing through the silence of Scully realizing she was a complete and total no-holds barred fucking bitch. Scrambling up, she didn’t waste seconds finding her clothes, instead pulling blanket tight as she ran for the door. Pulling it open, she ran headlong into Mulder, who was standing, facing her, immovable object filling all available space.

Crushing nose, mouth, chin into his chest, she bounced backwards a step, quiet ‘oof’ the only sound between them. Noting he didn’t continue his storming off but didn’t re-enter the apartment either, she closed the gap once again, this time careful of spacing until she could rest her forehead against him, her whispered ‘I’m sorry’ reaching necessary auditory senses.

Unmoving save his head, which he lowered enough to rest against hers, tip of nose against slope of scalp, lips in hair, “you are my pain in the ass.”

Wet chuckle vibrated her shoulders, “it didn’t scare me too much last night but then you were there and I was there and we were normal and happy and …” the sentence lost steam, the words too close to home, gears switching, “I love you more than everything in the world, Mulder and sometimes it’s big and perfect and in that second, something that isn’t bad at all becomes the biggest terror in the world. You are my concern and I am yours and I need to tell you my things, all my things, every time.”

Arms sliding around her shoulders, “all your things. Every time.”

“I’m sorry.”

They stood, half-naked in his apartment door for another minute before they both heard the elevator ding and Mulder smoothly backed them up, shutting the door behind him, talking once again, this time a small smile on his voice, “the neighbors probably don’t need to witness our … things … when they walk by.”

“We have things?”

“Some of my favorite things.”

Pulling her head back, she stayed well within the circle of his arms, “why didn’t you leave the doorway? You should have been at the elevator by the time I got there.”

“I couldn’t.” Steel determination met her gaze, “I don’t leave anymore. I won’t leave anymore. I can’t leave anymore. We have a thing and it’s a forever thing and regardless of how crazy you make me, I’m not going anywhere. I just needed the space for a second and the door was as far as I planned on going or plan on going … ever again.”

She let the blanket drop, working his shirt over his head with her warm hands, “sushi can sit awhile, right?”

“Probably an hour or so.”

Pushing his pants down next, “that’s good ‘cause I kinda want to do a thing with you.”

“What kind of thing?”

“A MulderAndScully kind of thing.”

“Will it include stuff?”

Tilting her head, grin moving her lips upward, glint in her eye, argument long forgotten, “always you with the stuff.”

“I like stuff.”

As she took his hand to lead him towards the bedroom, “then stuff there will be.”

“I love our thing.”

“Me, too, Mulder, me, too.”

Fourth time truth could wait.

#msr #a mulderandscully kind of thing #and it includes stuff #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic #my writing #Life part 2 series

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brocolirose · 7 years

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I have lost sleep.

So to speak. When I fall asleep, I’m a log for at least 8 hours. Such a waste of life. (Look at me, being an angsty teenager at age 27. That’s what 4:30AM sleep-deprived cynicism looks like.) But this pattern of not going to sleep before 4AM has been recurring very often in the past 2 or 3 weeks, and this time I mustered up the focus to write down those things that bug me, and those things that stress the fuck out of me. Hear Me Ramble.

One of the biggest challenges I face with journaling as an activity is choosing the medium. Putting pen to paper is the most satisfying, sensorially. Tracing the letters, forcing myself not to write in a jumble, whiting out mistakes and re-writing on top.... They’re the small, irreplaceable pleasures. Typing is a lot less about fine motor skills and less emotionally invested (at least in my case -- I put a lot of thought in the form and content of manuscript text) -- but it is much quicker, much cleaner, much more flexible, and above all easy to reference. I sometimes read my very old blog posts, and I wonder both at how much/little different I am from back then and at the fact I have actually journaled/blogged so little in the past 7 years. Where did my writing go ?

Well, to put it bluntly: it probably went in the sinkhole of Facebook comments, for the most part. I spent so much time fighting losing battles. Then you give up on Internet crusades when you burn out from the broken-record conversations. Anyway I don’t recall writing a lot more besides that and getting my college degree in Korean studies. Boy did I learn how to properly scratch paper in those 3 years. (Funny thing is: my laptop kinda broke down in the first year and needed to be constantly plugged in, so I couldn’t really bring it to campus and use it to take notes -- so I got really good at switching my color gel pens while scribbling.)

Anywho (I love this silly little word), writing used to be a way for me to process my feelings and thoughts, and somewhere along the way it just got dropped. There was also a time I took a lot of photos and went through the trouble of sorting my favorites, editing them and showing them (in my FB photos, ifyou’re looking for impressive). But one then the other vanished, mostly around the time I got a first boyfriend, and then when life became a busy whirlwind (to my standards -- I need a loooot of leisure time -- not having found my calling and whatnot). I’ve made a few feeble attempts at writing over the past year, to deal with my depression, in the context of therapy -- but I got hung up on the medium, and never could find consistency.

But fuck it. Pen and paper is a pain to carry around then review. Livejournal is as good as dead. So here I am, on my last long-standing blog. A kingdom of isolation, stranded on the far shores of.... well, Tumblr. Whatever that means.

(It’s a 5AM ramble now, woohoo!)

Oh I have a bit of that rice drink and matcha, let me drink that to quench my thirst. Yummy.

If you’re still reading this, wayward voyager, let me reward your patience now and tell you what has been stressing me out. See, I have been living and working full time in a different country than my own, living on my own (and then with a flatmate) for the first time in my life, making good money (considering the job), and getting a taste of adulthood I never had before. But this “time away” has not gone according to plan (life, duh) and shit started hitting the fan 6 months in. It’s been nearly 4 years since I realized I had nearly all the symptoms of chronic depression, and so far no doctor, therapist or counselor has contested this self-applied diagnosis (nor did they diagnose anything on top, which is a relief). But here in Cork I was suddenly forced to take care of it, and for the first time I had a proper network of support to guide me toward the help I needed. In Paris I never had the time or energy or interest to look up the help myself, and mom paid rent. Locked in a situation where I needed to provide for myself, but couldn’t carry out my work because of recurring breakdowns, and refusing to fold back onto my Paris mommy-shelter, I left myself few rescue routes: get better, or end it. You might have noticed I’m still here.

(or am I?)

Long story short, this year has really helped me tie up a few loose ends, and opened up the path to resolving other issues, instead of drawing a curtain on them.

- I mourned a friendship (or two); - I took responsibility for my feelings in general, and figured out the emotional hardships I was willing to tackle in a long-distance, polyamorous relationship (there have been many); - I started to really get the wisdoms of Buddhism and Stoicism, and it helped me keep a less dramatic outlook on life; - I Netflixed the months away, and caught up on a lot of shows I would have never seen otherwise. (honestly I don’t remember a fifth of it, and the remaining less-than-a-fifth is very unlikely to be useful in daily life or conversation, and I’m just not a TV-show-fangirl -- so we may bar this whole thing as a huge waste of time and money, but I’ll own this.) - I have never drawn so much in a very long time. I posted a lot of stuff on Instagram lately, relatively speaking. Paradoxically I got myself a new laptop in January to do more digital stuff, but ended up, over the last 6 months, filling out a drawing pad instead: twice bigger than the previous one, and filled twice faster. My brain’s a twat. Or maybe just my expectations are. Fuck me, whatever. - Now that I’m coming to grips with emotional hygiene, I’ll be able to start building some financial hygiene. Because I wasn’t able to save more than my ass’ skin and what it takes to keep it dry, warm, clean and peachy.

I’m also figuring out that instead of being a nice smart badass waiting for her chance in life, I am more of a wasteful cowardly fuckwit with delusions of grandeur -- while paradoxically knowing my life is shit, yes. (not top-grade never-getting-out-of-there shit, but still shit. Entry-level shit, if you will.) But I used to think that I deserved better and just didn’t get the starting boost I thought I had deserved by virtue of being born with whatever beautiful brain I thought I had been endowed with.

Truth is: although I’m human and thus inherently flawed, so far I’ve done a pretty terrible job of picking up the skills needed to progress in life as an autonomous adult. Just to say I’m not as smart as I like to think I am.

Somehow this thought is liberating. It’s good to be an idiot. To embrace being a dimwit. No need to impress anybody, even myself.

That doesn’t mean I will let everything go strapless and become even more thoroughly irresponsible and aimless than I already am. I simply want to acknowledge the very likely possibility that I’ve been setting the bar a little too high for myself by factoring in a stellar intellect that flirts with no other stars than those wriggling over the seabed floor.

So there: I’m stupid, and it’s okay. It just means I should get my sheep in a row and work harder, otherwise my peachy ass becomes crisp bacon. (hmmmmmmmmm bacon 🥓)

(It’s 6AM, I wouldn’t mind some bacon and eggs.)

Hmmmm I didn’t get too much into detail, and I suppose I’ve rambled enough because I don’t feel like going on. But it felt good. :) So I’m going to close off by saying that what stresses me out is that I may not be fully ready when the day comes that I have to fly back to Paris (July 5th), and I’ll have to leave plenty of stuff here because I didn’t move my butt to expedite my stuff back nor sell what I could. And I’m afraid of losing other friends as I figure out how to go about being a polyamorous, sliiiightly bisexual person with values that do not bar flirting with someone who happens to be somebody else’s “other half”. I’m also scared I won’t find a livelihood whose required work won’t drive me crazy or suicidal.

Because I’ve experienced these things. But I’m not afraid of going stag on a backpacking trip across Europe and more. Because, of that, I am clueless.

#diary #depression #redemption #cork #ireland #polyamory #lost friendship #backpacking #late night ramblings #sleepless #sleep deprived

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21ninjashoes-blog · 7 years

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The Break Up

So, after two years (well, maybe a year and a half, because the first 6 months was just sex w/o feelings) of being 100% committed to the man I loved, He dumps me....Over the phone.... As I was driving to his house.... After two years of putting me through bull shit he didn’t even have the decency to do it in person! He was too much of a pussy to face me!! I guess that’s to be expected, since he was too much of a bitch to even introduce me to his family after two years! I honestly don’t know why I was so head-over-heels in-love with this man! There were so many red flags from the jump but I ignored ever single one of them! I knew in my head I should have never let him in! But something inside me kept screaming at me to go for it... I know that I shouldn’t be as hurt as I am, since there was nothing real about the relationship, its just hard to let it go like that! I mean, the break up is still super fresh... It happened on St. Patty’s day(2 days ago) I cried myself to sleep instead of going out and having fun with friends, finally fell asleep at 4am and then woke back up at 7am and continued to cry. I hate crying and in my head I know he isn’t worth the tears. But for some reason, I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. Everytime I tried to stop crying, I cried harder. I want to hate him so much, but I just can’t. I know 2 years of a bull shit “relationship” isn’t really worth being this upset, I mean, its not like we were married for 20 years or something. But before he showed up I had already made a conscious decision to stay single and not get close to anyone for a long time. I wanted to wait to until I had my life back on track and everything figured out before getting into a relationship. I had planned on not getting into a relationship unless I saw a future with that person. And then along comes he-who-must-not-be-named. (guess I dated Voldemort...he’s just as evil and Likes to use people the same way) And I saw a future with him, because I am fucking retarded!

I don’t understand why I fell so hard for him. I just don’t get it. And I honestly don’t know if I’m really as hurt as I feel, or if its my pride that is hurt. I mean, first of all, I don’t get dumped... I do the dumping... And I invested a lot of time into him. I wouldn’t have put up with being kept on the back burner for 2 years if I had thought that it wasn’t going anywhere! I wouldn’t have wasted that much time on someone that I didn’t see myself with in 40 years! I made the decision long ago that the next time I invested that much time into would be the last time. Not as in, if it doesn’t work I won’t eventually move on. But as in, if I took the time, I was in it for the long haul.

His reasoning for breaking up with me is that he’s “not good at this stuff.” And all he’s done for the last 2 years is hurt me and that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so instead of MANNING THE FUCK UP AND DOING WHAT THE FUCK A REAL MAN WOULD HAVE DONE he hurts me even more by BREAKING UP WITH ME!!! It’s no wonder his baby mama cheated on him and left his ass!!!! He says that if after 2 years he hasn’t brought himself to “do the right thing” than it will never happen. And the reason is he is scared that he will fuck it up somehow and that I will leave and it will crush is daughter.... Call me old school, but I feel like if something is broke you fix it...Not throw it away. So if that were to happen, I wouldn’t have just left... I would work it out. I would NEVER do anything if I knew it was going to hurt a child!! I love children and I would never just up and leave a child in the dust. Whether it was my kid or someone else’s. And he knows full well that I wouldn’t he is just making excuses like always. Every single excuse he has come up with for “not moving forward” was just that.... Excuses... Every one that he came up with was bull shit and easily countered.

I just wanted the truth from him... I want to hear him say that he did it because he didn’t love me back. (Which I have known for a long time) I wanted to hear him say that he could never love me and that he would never be willing to try! I wanted to hear him tell me that I was never more than just a booty call and that I wasn’t good enough for his love. He kept trying to say that wasn’t the truth and that it was so much more than that. But I can’t help but think everything he says is a fucking lie! I don’t believe anything that comes out of his fucking mouth! He told me he was sorry almost every day for a year and a half thinking I was dumb enough to not understand that if someone were really sorry about their actions they would change them! He pretended to give a fuck for two whole years! That is what I wanted to hear him say!! I wanted him to tell me that it was all just a lie and that he never gave a fuck the whole time! He wouldn’t even do that for me. He kept trying to say that he did care (or that he does care) and that is why he was doing this in the first place. He broke my heart because he cared??? WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!!! He said that like it would make it hurt less! It would have hurt less had he just told the truth! Had he just said he never cared at all and all he wanted was a good fuck to pass the time it would have hurt so much less! And that may not be the actual truth... But that is the truth in my head! That is how I see the situation! Because everything he said made zero sense!!

I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him. What I did that made me not worth it? I don’t understand why he was too ashamed to introduce me to his family? Was it my history in drugs? The fact that I used to be a stripper? My tattoos and piercings? The fact that I have a tendency to dye my hair crazy colors? What about me is not good enough for him!?!? Why am I not good enough to meet his family!? Why am I not good enough to build a life with?!

I don’t want to be in this much pain, and I honestly wish I could erase every memory of I have of him. Which would be really hard since he technically hired me at my very first job back in high school. I mean I should have realized back then that he was a piece of shit when he got FIRED FOR KNOCKING UP SOME DUMB BITCH THAT WORKED FOR HIM! I guess when he stepped up and took care of her and the baby, almost married that dumb bitch, and actually fought for and won custody of his child that I assumed he was a good guy! I guess what that really means is that he’s not as good of a guy as I thought and that she’s probably more of a piece of crap than I thought. Because it’s not very often a judge sides with the dad and not the mom! I know that I am only talking shit about her because I am angry with him. But we all worked together so I did actually know her, and from what I remember she wasn’t really my cup of tea. And their personalities didn’t really fit well together. At least not from what I remember. But who knows, people change. Obviously, since he went from a nice guy to a complete douche in 2.5 seconds!!

Well, I should stop here before I get too deep. This entry was supposed to be 1 paragraph...That obviously didn’t happen. I guess I’ll be on tomorrow or the next day.

#DeadManWalking #BetterOffAlone #EatShitAndDie #GoToHell #KillYourself #DirtBag #DoucheBag #POS #Prick #CantUnlickMyAssTho #YouWillDieAlone #YouWillNeverBeLoved #DearDiary #YouAreDeadToMe

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