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romulanfucker · 3 years

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tell us abt tov

>:3333333 you humor me .....

im going to put this under a cut because its going to be 1) insanely long and 2) backstory secrets for the one person following me who's also a player in this campaign so borgan if youre reading this do not open (tw for discussions of violence, attempted murder, and cults. nothing graphic but. it is in there)

SO!!!! tov is a dragonborn sorcerer and he is my character for a waterdeep dragon heist campaign that has been on pause for ... far too long ... some basic physical description: - like 6.5 feet tall - silver scales, but they don't reflect light like most metallic scales would - i'm a full believer in the lizard shit so he's got a tail, clawed digitigrade feet, a long snout, and spinal ridges - he's buff for a sorcerer (in fact, there's an alternative universe version of him for which i have designed a full sheet where he's multiclassed into barbarian) so his backstory is (i'll try and fail to keep this short) that he comes from a clan of dragonborn who pride themselves on being the descedants of some of the original dragonborn created as soldiers of bahamut in the draconic wars (this is deep deep d&d lore so if you don't know; bahamut is one of the good guy dragon gods and there used to be a lot more of them and then they started getting greedy for power and created dragonborn to use a footsoldiers to fight their wars for them). as such, his clain retains a spark of that draconic magic in its blood; ie. members of his clan are born w/ a latent draconic magic. now it varies from person to person how much power they have, some have very potent magic, others can only cast some basic cantrips. and there have been some born without any latent magic at all - but very few, and tovroth senxcec (tov) is currently the only one alive without anything. obviously, this caused a lot of teasing and shame and notwhat in his childhood, and so his baby brother nagrax (rax for short) decided to try and tutor tov in book-learned magic instead.

it was very slow going. tov is bad at reading and worse at reading sigils, and their clan was also very rural and they had very limited access to arcane books. they spent years working on it, with no luck. eventually tov gave up and took an apprenticeship training as a jewelrymaker just to have Something productive to do.

then one day while in town, rax finds something buried in a library tome. it's an old historical document, it talks of a gateway to another plane, and if one passes through it, they will gain the power of that plane. and him and tov say hey actually, we know where that gateway is supposedly located. how bad could it hurt to just check it out, right?

so they charter a boat and sail for two months until they reach these ruins. now, problem. the historical text left out two very important details: one, the plane the gateway goes to is the shadowfell (if you don't know d&d its like ... the depression plane. everything is gray and horrid and food has no taste and everything either is suffering too much to notice you or actively trying to kill you) and two, because the shadowfell is like that, it takes a bit of your soul every time you enter.

so tov bops on through the gateway and ends up in the shadowfell, and its horrible and fucked up and he wants to leave, and as he turns to go, he sees this twisted visage of his brother, and something in him just ... snaps. he Needs to kill this thing, he needs to destroy it, more than he's ever needed anything.

he lunges at it, begins to fight it. in the fight, he travels back through the gateway. he realizes he's back in the real plane, and he's facing his real brother, not his shadowfell brother anymore. the urge doesn't cease and he keeps attacking.

his brother manages to subdue him, and he asks tov for answers. why would he attack his own brother like that? and tov answers him truthfully - the gateway took me to a horrible place, and i saw a horrible version of you, an evil version, and i wanted to destroy it. i must have come back while fighting it. and rax asks him. did you know you came back? did you know it was me you were trying to kill at the end? and tov says ............................. yes.

rax is (understandably) horrified, and he tells tov this has gone too far. he doesn't know who his brother is anymore. he isn't welcome at home. but as one last act of mercy, he's going to take the boat back alone and tell the clan that tov never came back through the gate, so as to preserve his memory.

and tov lets him go. so now he's alone across the sea, with this seed of hate and violence planted deep inside him but hey! at least he's a sorcerer now!!!!!

so he spends several years wandering around the woods, avoiding society as much as possible because he's terrified of that rage overtaking him again, and trying to figure out what to do with himself, because he doesnt know who he is anymore, and doesn't like what he's become. the more time he spends alone with himself, the worse it gets.

on a supply trip into town, he hear tales of some anonymous hero that killed a beast that had been harassing the town, and realized it was an animal he'd killed a few days ago. and he goes. hey, maybe monster hunting could be ... something? its a way to put that violence inside me to a beneficial cause, if i can take out things that have been bothering good people. so he starts wandering around, entering towns more often, looking for people in need of a freelance beastkiller.

this is where the campaign picks up!!! i'll spare you the details of the whole shebang because this is already SO long, but the important thing is that the party's currently caught in the crossfires of a few different criminal investigations, and to get some allies on their side, a few party members have joined guilds in the city.

tov personally joined the order of the gauntlet, a guild that's dedicated to law and justice. he almost didn't let himself join at first, because he didn't think he deserved to become a paragon of justice when he was Like That. but the leader of the guild, savra belabranta, took him aside and was like. look. this guild is a place to earn your forgiveness.

and she tells him that, before joining the guild, she was caught up in some very very nasty cult business. like. murder cult business. and she didn't think she could ever be a good person after she left, but people here believed that she could be, and she believes that tov can be too, if he'll let himself.

and for the first time since rax got back on the boat alone, tov is beginning to think that he might be able to become the kind of man who can go home and face his family again. so he joins. and he spends more and more time with savra, and he starts to really like her. like really like her.

so far in game, they've gone on one date and savra ended up having to sleep in the party's house after (they live in apartments above a bar) and so he lied and said they had a guest room and then shoved all of his belongings in a closet, directed her to his room, and slept on his party mate's floor. because he didn't want her to think he was propositioning her after just one date.

but like, the dm is 100% on my side in this, and we already have begun putting together a post-campaign marriage plot for them and im very soft about it all the time because like .... its just these two people at two different points in their journeys to forgive themselves, and they're helping each other reach that final goal, and they're both finding happiness they didn't think they'd ever actually see and i aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyways thats tov thanks for asking

#believe it or not this really Was the short version #asking me about my d&d characters is a very dangerous business because once i get started i Cannot be stopped #but thank you for taking the risk anyways dfjldsakfadsf #personal

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vampireqrow-moved · 3 years

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hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

#asks #long post #anonymous #pansexuality #biphobia #transphobia #my post

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