beauty seems to be really funny most
of the time and i like dat.
this idea that sends pop
definitions of beauty running
for the hills makes for some
quality distance,
if only one step back.
what if i had any idea who i was
but could see into everybody else
phone home
cheeky cosmic touch m8
gonna think this is too easy
yeah
but not let’s feel this way
without before examining ourselves
for anything fake about it first
parting from the idea that there wasnt anyway
and then parting
cuz that knows so much
that part of me knows so much abt
what do you call it extreme fear of maudlin
i run naked thru the grass
singing abt yesteryear
...There’s a move in social situations I like to call, “around the sun” whereby you wait for the game to end to play music, or wait patiently for one plan of another to say its peace so you can say yours. I like to take it to a more extreme level and say, turn down the fuckin tv, I want to listen to a thing I find beautiful.
SONG ONE : like the earth
1.
Sit back and dream of clouded metaphors
Reveal the schemes that we devised
Back in the day, when ur hands were small
And the WORLD splayed out colorfully
Before our eyes
(chorus)
Take ur thronging bussloads of the living dead
Take all the lifetimes of a million busy heads
Ur sly intellectuals that laugh in the dome
The only place, the only place is in the peaceful tones
Of singing birds perched on ascending wires, like notes
2.
Caught u up past three, sitting on the porch
I woke up from a dream that I immediately forgot
That seems to happen a lot, especially if previously
I torched a dutch and passed the fuck out
But from the ether of my dreams
I heard, from the scope of reality
I heard you shout
(chorus)
3.
The sun and the moon both live in a box
And the box is a square made out of lead
And the square lies motionless in ur head
Like a body on the rocks
Watch the hour tuck away into an evening
A day nestled in afternoon light
From the beginning
In ur mind that made all minds the same
The twilight creeping across ur paper brain
And I can only burn and burn and burn
And I can turn round like the EARTH
And I can be a sphere like the EARTH
And I can stitch up the nations
With fear, like the EARTH
(chorus)
...people who call it a false flag just don’t wanna think it’s their own who bomb, if it can’t be a towelhead.
SONG TEW : the rainbow
The sinister rainbow blinks over the clover
And the dawn is a monster in my brain
I'll take a picture before this song is over
And I’ll fix u in a wheel to keep me sane
Don’t break out the gin for the old lady creepers
Smoke until the blur makes ur head float around
I live in hades, burn my tongue on the heater
When I lick this heaven ill taste yur sound
(chorus)
What Im saying isnt deep
What Im stealing isnt cheap
But I know that if i play it loud and long
That this song in my head will instead
Form a beat
Like a stranger in the rain
Slowly driving me insane
There's a fork in the road
And I dont know whether
Or when, all this shit will come together
In the end
2.
I got a stupid friend who lives in a pause
He takes life from the tiger’s jaws, and prays
That life begins again, after it is over
And the rainbow shines like a dream, in a daze
Ill take u thru the eye of the needle
Ill breathe a testament to ur false gods
Ill tell the truth, and contaminate the evil
And zap u like a lightning rod
(chorus)
3.
Dont you know that the rainbow is the world?
Dont you know that the news is already told?
Im gettin too old to be unfurled
Im seein the rainbow in my mind
Im waking up for the daily grind
Im singing useless things for useful people
The rainbow is not evil, its kind
Dont u know that the color kings rattle like a marble
In a tin can?
And the rainbow eats the darkness like a mother
Without a son?
Dont u know that u can never be a man?
And the rainbow drags across the empty land
And the rainbow drags across the empty land
(chorus)
(chorus)
...the only division is classical and romantic. all else is contributory to these two. postmodern, modern, no. romantic. it all follows the romantic objective. one is ruled by the time at which it occurred, and the other is ruled by the mechanism of breaking from any present time.
SONG THREE : an ending that promises to begin again
1.
A legend sleeps in yur head somewhere
You take yur trembling hands
And grope for mine, like a bum for spare
Change...
You cant explain
This strange perdition that engulfs
Yur position in the sane...
And the trouble of the pulse
That leads a broken synapse
Up into my eccentric brain...
Theres a clot in my neck
And the ruins of time
Keep me from being able to find
A comfortable spot to rest
(chorus)
Im stuck in erasure--a constant exposure
To the elements still provides me with eyes
To see bad karma writhing in my spleen
And I wonder if ill dream
While the whole WORLD is awake
Will I be the manufactured figure,
Will I be fake?
Or will I take these petty abstractions
And roll them up into a ball
And put them in my pocket
Just to feel the reason stall
In my throat...
Is life a puzzle, or a joke?
2.
The life you led one sunny afternoon
Is the life you never led again...
I can appreciate the reasons
For why you did not blend
Like a chameleon in the room
But cant discern the seasons
Of the moon
Yur whispers prosper, loud
Like a passionate apostle
And the lords are proud of ur
Painting on the wall...
That skritter of an evening gone
Is enough to scatter colors
When the sky finally falls,
And the lords are like the brothers
Of what lorded over them...
Take these idols and shatter them...
The racket in my brain is loud
And does not end
And does not end
And does not end, even when the jig is up
Cuz ive gotten fucked by time:
Its an ending that promises
To begin again
(chorus)
...Nobody starts an Apollonian, and only those are Dionysian who have the capacity for restraint needed to confer the Apollonian chariot, tho some die without a revision of the vision etc. some die restraintless
SONG FOUR : chauncey ames and the case of jenny preston
1.
Chauncey loved the flowers
Chauncey loved the trees
Chauncey smelled the wind
And knew that he was free
Chauncey took a cab home
Chauncey felt the air flow
Thru the window
He paid the driver extra
Just for keeping him
From being alone...
Back, once again
To the place that he had left
Long ago
In fact, it had been years and years and years
Since the man had seen walls
Not fortified in concrete...
In fact, it had been years and years and years
Since this man had put to rest
That lying cheat
(chorus)
Chauncey was a killer
That was his disease
Got off on manslaughter:
Fingerprints on a pair keys
Got him twelve years
For offing someone's daughter
Even tho she was eighty three
Cuz no matter how old u are
Everyone
Is a daughter or son
To someone
2.
Now he's out, but he has his fears...
Maybe people will not like him
For his past
It is unclear
Even after all the facts
Had been presented...
Whether Jenny Preston
Was murdered, or just had a bad fall
Onto a bed of broken glass
They found her in the hall
At the head of the stairs, flat on her wrinkled ass
(chorus)
Chauncey was a man of few words
But in the end he was unheard
His eyes were petrified
In delirium
His arms shook
As he held the gun
He took aim
On the good book
Instead of his brains
just to prove a point
His neck is craned
His eyes like coins
That shine their milky matter
On the barrel of a luger
(Chorus)
...doubt any of y'all would live up to the wit/confidence/sardonicism y'all judiciously sculpt for hours on the book of face.
SONG FYVE: my summer home
1.
This is food for thought
Write it down in chalk:
The chimney puffs
From the fire in the fireplace
And erupts in a black plume
And with luck
The old man
Balances a spoon
On his nose
He sits inside a room
As the room grows
Smoking from a pipe
While its raining outside
And the light
Is waning, slowly waning, outside
My fingers and my toes
Are numb to the bone
And I will have my wish
To swim with all the fish
In the sea of my mind
In time ill find
A little spot in the country
Somewhere peaceful and secluded
Ill save up all my money
And hope im not deluded
And hope that I can find a place
Thats nice, a lush spot
For a good price
(Chorus)
Do you feel that I feel you?
Do you feel that you feel me?
The time is right to live again
To let the atoms wiggle
In our spherical galaxy
That seems to have no real end
But the one that we assume
Is reality, and soon
We'll eat up all the doom
2.
Concentrate upon a single understanding
Dont let the sisters on the throne
Rage in the dome
And find out that this trip
Needs more planning to exist
The sky is silver and the universe is green
Ill show you things in this world
That you have never seen
Things that have been waiting
So long to be unfurled
Things for boys and things for girls
Without an explanation
Ill bring the nation together
And hold it by a tether
Show you things for boys
And things for girls
(Chorus)
...for example i would never be able to muster the cognitive stones to say all of this, in order, amongst the company of people, even friends
SONG SIX : notion
#1
im in the middle of this phrase
Stuck between the lines
Bless these simple chains
I'll see what I can find
In my simple mind
To lead to some way out
The drip, drip drip of water
From the trippy rusty spout
Keeps me awake
I'll explain that to ur daughter
The world is fake
The world is miles away:
Chorus:
Put a notion on the river
And see it travel downsteam
Suspended on liquid creature dreams
I sweated thru the fever
And, between the middle of this phrase
Passed all my days in solitude
And grew weaker, as the days
Passed on in solitude
You can call me daft
You can say im frozen
In technicolor time
That im stranded on an island
In the middle of the ocean
But I dont have the spine
To wiggle thru the shaft
And give you back
This simple notion
#2
I gots a paper boat
Lofting on the water
It travels down ur purple throat
And dissolves in the water
I set a fire just to see if it could think
And I questioned the venom
Just to see if it could blink
Nonsense on the edge
Of the bullshit day
Chillin on the ledge, you shape the clay
And drive the screws on down
And drive the screws on down
I thought of you, thought of you
And I felt like a clown
(chorus)
#3
I crawl out, I crawl out
I crawl out of bed
I walk down the hall
To turn the notion into thread
And whisper rumors to the dead
Sometimes I try to talk
And my voice drops
Sometimes the vague paralysis
Defies analysis
And you are left sitting on a chair
In a yellow room
That is a technicolor tomb
Without a door, confined and spare,
I crawl, I crawl
I crawl out of bed
And walk down the hall
And fall and fall and fall
Into the creation of sound
Until I hit the ground
And everything is mother night
And the imperfections in yur eye
Spangle in the strange notion of the twilight
(chorus)
(chorus)
...the broad concept of subjectivity has as much to do with a detailed exegesis of one tenet of it as death itself with the specific way we die
SONG SEVEN : collected and connected
You're a sharp one
You're a dumb one
You got nobody
But the people in yur head
And everybody is connected
But you aint connected to them
Yur a ghost, on the interim
While the fringes die out
You live them out
To the last splinter
Until it is winter
And the trees are all white with snow
And the blue wind blows
Yu spend twenty minutes
Feeling for the lightswitch
In a room made out of figments
That you shovel into a ditch
And bury, along with all yur
Dangerous ambitions
And as you drive away, you feel
The religion
Of yur memories corrupt u
And yu reel
CHORUS.
Cuz everyones connected
Everyones collected
Into the same intangible organism
That lives life in the schism
Of ur teeth
I watch ur lips move
And cannot hear u speak
I pick up on the clues
and watch the pressure leak
Until all of it is used
And nothing much is left
To be abused
Everyones connected by a string
That trembles across the space
Of every living thing
The fractions of my face
illuminate in the light
I shake when i sing
I am a yellow kite
Mangled in a tree
Forgotten by the breeze
I am a thing, wafting in the breeze
But I have begun again, my friend,
Just by following the string
Follow, follow the string
#2
Two days ago the WORLD was made of angles
I opened my eyes to the lost ways
And came upon a shallow swale
The brush and branches tangled
And the rays of the sun, barely
Coming thru the jail
Of the scary fray
Dont you think that yur fellow men
Would like to lend a hand?
And dont you think
That this desert you have crossed
Only gets u more lost
Until u arrive at the brink
Of the sahara, and find
A single, solitary house
Where a mumbling old man
Is confined
(CHORUS)
(CHORUS)
i always dress nice when i have no place to go. otherwise i look like a sweaty coked up hobo. its my chic, paranoid hobo chic. my comportment u say? quirky to the acquaintance, somewhat sad to the friend, an endearing mix of both with a dash of worry to the best friend, and an embarrassment to the significant other. im usually the life of the party bc i bring drugs so people are forced to tolerate my horror of a personality.
rejection is a rare and beautiful flower
my time is spent tending it
my life
wants it to be a gift
i water the flower
it sits next to my bed
it is next to a lamp
littered under the lamp
are dead ladybugs
ladybugs are all over my house
but if i am not meant i am not meant
and i cast my line of poetry here
trying to figure out if it was meant to be there
wonder exactly why what is innumerable
can be rare
and think of lots of things
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Work Visits
Another part to my nurseydex children series! Ive offically deemed this Au “Things That Stop You Dreaming” and it can be found on AO3 under that title!
Enjoy Addy being cute af, plus an introduction to Bella!
(pst, i posted this in two parts on AO3 but yall will get it all in one bc im lazy)
“Daddy, are we there?”
Derek sighed and looked at his daughter for probably the seventh time in the last 10 minutes he's been driving. This was the seventh time she asked.
“Addison, I know you have the route to the rink memorized, so I know that you know that we are literally in the arena parking lot. You don't have to antagonize me.”
Addison gave what could only be described as a shit-eating grin from her spot in the back seat. She swung her legs happily. “I know Daddy, but Papa says that I should mess with you more often. He says its funny”
Derek was going to kill his husband.
He pulled into one of the parking spots reserved for players families and shut off the car. He turned around so he could make proper eye contact with his daughter.
“Okay Addison, Papa is playing against Uncle Jack tonight. Uncle Bitty was in town already for his book tour and so he brought Bella with him and we’ll be sitting with them in the family section. Do you remember the rules for when Uncle Jack plays against Papa?”
“Boo when Papa gets checked but don't cheer if someone on Uncle Jacks team gets checked, unless it's by Papa.” Addison explained neatly.
“Anything else?”Derek prompted.
“Don't curse?”
Derek couldn't help but laugh. Addison had learned her fair share of curse words, despite only being 6 years old. It's what happened when a child had an uncle whose name was literally Shitty.
“Not quite, lovely but that's a good one. I was actually going for ‘don't heckle Uncle Jack.’ He needs to stay concentrated on the game ”
“Oh.” Addison shrugged her little shoulders. “I can do that. Can we go inside now?”
Derek laughed. “Yes, Addy. We can.”
They got out of the car and made their way inside, not even bothering to wave their passes at the security guards, who they knew by name and had for years now. They went to their seats in the family section, directly behind the glass and found their family already there.
“Bella!” Addison tore her hand from Derek's and ran to greet her best friend/pseudo-cousin. They hugged tightly in the way that only young kids could.
Bella was a year older than Addison but that didn't stop them from being as thick as thieves. They lived three hours apart so they didn't see each other often but they adored each other just the same. Bella was more soft spoken than Addison was,
“Nursey!” Bitty grinned and pulled Derek into a tight hug.
“Hey Bits.” Derek laughed and hugged the other man back, just as tight. “How was the book tour?”
“Oh, you would not believe...”Bitty launched into a story about his time touring for his newest cookbook and Derek let his thoughts drift as Bitty rambled on.
“Oh, there they are!” Bella interrupted her father, pointing down at the ice as the players skated on for warm ups.
Jack and Will were both easy to spot. Even from under his helmet, Will’s ginger hair was easy to spot, just as Jacks distinctive blue eyes were easy to spot behind his face guard.
“Papa!” Addison jumped up and down in front of the glass and waved her arms furiously. “Papa! Papa, over here!”
Derek could see Will’s grin from the other side of the ice. Will waved at his daughter, who waved back energetically. Derek could see Jack’s shoulders shake as he laughed and saw Jacks mouth move in some chirp. Will grinned and said something back before they skated their separate ways to warm up with their teams.
Addison kept waving her arms, trying to catch her father's attention again until Derek had to put a stop to it. “Add,let Papa warm up in peace. You dont want to throw him off his game, do you?”
“Its preseason, Daddy, it doesn't effect the season.” Addison responded, not looking away from the ice. Bitty chuckled from his seat.
“Addison. Leave him be until after the game, okay? Then you can harass him as much as you want.”
“Fiiiiiineeeee.” Addison backed away from the glass and sat down between Derek and Bella with a pout but Derek couldn't help but chuckle. There were times where he wanted to do the same thing.
Addison kept pouting and Derek took pity on her. “Hey Addy, how about you tell Uncle Bitty how your skating classes have been going? Im sure he would love to hear about them.”
Addison perked up immediately and Derek smiled.
This was going to be a good evening.
Rangers beat the Falconers 4-3, with Dex getting the game winning goal at the end of the 3rd period. Jack clapped Will on the shoulder during the handshaking and from the stands, Derek could see him say something and Will laughed before they both went on to shake more hands.
They met Dex outside of the Rangers locker room. He was sweaty and gross but he still beamed when he saw his husband and daughter. It made Dereks heart do flips, the same way it did when they met in college.
“Papa!” Addison tore her hand from Dereks and did a flying leap towards her father. Will dropped his hockey bag to open his arms as his daughter slammed into his chest. “Hi Papa! You played really good tonight!”
“Thanks baby.” Will hugged her tightly. “Did you enjoy watching the game with Uncle Bitty and Bella?”
“Yeah! Did you know Bella is taking figure skating classes? Im gonna have her show me all the stuff shes learning there and Ill teach her everything Im learning in my hockey skating class!”
“Thats wonderful, Addy-Girl.” Will smiled. He set her down and looked over at Derek. “Hey babe. Did you enjoy the game?”
“You know I did.” Derek smiled and kissed Will on the cheek. “Nice check on Jack during the 2nd. Had him rattled for a second there.”
Will shrugged. “He got me back in the 3rd, twice as hard. I felt my brain rattle.”
Derek frowned. “How's your head?”
“It's fine, Der. They got me all checked out and I'm fine.”
“Good. I like you better with your brain intact.”
“Same.”
“Quit being gross!” Addison jabbed Will in the leg to get his attention.
“Ow, Addison. That's not how you get people's attention.” Will chided.
“Sorry. Can we go see Uncle Jack and Bitty and Bella now?” Addison said.
“Sure. Lead the way.” Derek said.
Addison lead them around to the visitors lockers, just in time to run into Jack, Bitty and Bella, who was currently asleep on Jacks back.
“Nice game, Cap.” Derek said with a smirk.
Jack sighed. “I havent been your captain in over a decade, Nurse. Please stop.”
“Ah, but you were the best one Ive ever had. Sorry Bits.”
Bitty and Jack both rolled their eyes.
“We would love to stay and chat with you two but we gotta get headed towards the airport.” Bitty said. “Especially since Bells already asleep. Shes been up since 6am with me and is just bone tired.”
“Okay Bits. We’ll see you in a few weeks for the Falconers home opener. Wanna get dinner before hand, while our husbands do their thing?”
“Sure. We’ll see you then. Have a safe flight you three.”
“See yall later!”
The Zimmermann-Bittles walked away, leaving the Poindexter-Nurses on their own. Addison tugged on Dereks hand. “Are we gonna go home now?”
Will grabbed Addison's free hand and smiled. “Yes, Addy-Girl. Home for now.”
“Okay.” Addison gave a tired smile. “It was a good game, Papa.”
“Thanks baby.”
Together, the three of them left the area at the end of another good day.
Derek Poindexter-Nurse hates writing. Its difficult, its time consuming and tedious to do. He hates writing with an undeniable, fiery passion.
Which is why he does it for a living. Obviously.
When it comes to writing, Derek’s been lucky. Hot got published only a few years after college and he quickly made it onto the bestseller list. He has hordes of teenage fans who would probably commit many crimes if he asked them to, all of them clamoring for another installment, another book, another bonus story, another anything. He could give them a five hundred word shit stain and most of them would probably be content. Literally anything.
Which is of course, how Derek found himself holding down the ‘H’ key for ten minutes, thumping his head continuously on his desk, as if that will make the ideas come faster. Usually when Derek gets into a slump like this, he just goes and talks to Will but its early May and the Stanley Cup playoffs are looming in front of the Rangers, so Will’s at practice and will be for another four hours, meaning that Derek is stuck stewing in his own mind indefinitely.
Indefinitely doesnt last for long. Dereks stewing is interrupted by a knock on his study door and it being pushed open to reveal Addison in all of her 13 year old glory.
“Are you okay Dad?” Addison said, looking at her father with a mixture of concern and vague disgust.
“No.” Derek sighed. He thumped his head aginst the wood again.
“Um..” Addison walkedd ina nd leaned against the desk where Derkes head currently was. “Maybe stop hitting your head against the desk? I dont think getting a concussion would be very good for you. Besides, Papa’s gotten enough for the both of you.”
Derek leveled a glare at his daughter but he lifted his head off the desk and sat up. He rubbed the red mark on his forehead. “Ive gotten my fair share of concussions too, ya know. I did play hockey for a lot time.”
“I know, I know, all im saying is that Papa had a concussion like, a month ago. “ Addison shrugged. “So his might be a little more relevant.”
It was true. Will had gotten a harsh check and was out of the game for a while because of it. It was rough on all three of them, just as it always was whenever Will got hurt during games. It always made Derek worry, usually about how much longer Will could play in the NHL or if they should continue letting Addison play in her junior league. It sent his head in swirls and him and Bitty and Caitlin have spent hours talking about the stress of being married to three of the top players in the NHL. And Derek knew that their children have had similar conversations about being the children of NHL stars.
“Dad? Hello?” Addison waved her hand in front of Derek's face to get his attention. “You still with me or did you actually give yourself self a concussion? Do I need to drive you to the hospital?”
“You can't drive yet, Addison. You're 13.”
“I know but I figured that if you had a concussion you would let me try anyways.” Addison grinned.
“And that's where you're wrong.”
“Worth a shot. So what's wrong?”
Derek let out a long sigh. “Writing is hard, Addy. Don't do it. It isn't a viable career. “
“I mean, it wasnt on my list. I was more thinking hockey.”
“Huh?” Derek stared at his daughter and his heart thumped extra hard. “Really?”
“Well, yeah.” Addison shrugged. “Its what makes sense and I like it a lot. Is there…..something wrong with that?”
Derek let out a breath. The idea of his daughter, his pride and joy, one of the two most important people in his life, playing a dangerous game that both him and his husband loved made him feel nauseous. He knew first hand how dangerous the game was and while he knew that Addison took after her fathers in her love for the game, part of Derek wished that she didnt.
“Just..be careful.” Derek said carefully. He didnt want to admit to her how much it scared him. “You have time to decide. Most kids your age have no idea what they want to do. But, me and Papa will support you no matter what, okay?”
“Okay Daddy.” Addison leaned over and hugged him tightly. Derek hugged her back, putting all of his concerns and hopes into that hug.
“So, how can I help you get past your writing block right now?” Addison asked, pulling away from the hug.
Derek glanced at his laptop, which was just showing a word document full with the letter “H”. An idea tickled at the back of his brain. Something about an over-do meeting between a main character and their parent. A nice conversation about fears. Derek grinned
“You've already have.”
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