EVENT: KHR Rare Pair Week 2023
PROMPT: Day 3 - Body Switching
TITLE: Tsuna’s and Xanxus’ Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
AUTHOR: @hopeswriting
RATING: T
PAIRINGS: Sawada Tsunayoshi & Xanxus-centric, Varia & Xanxus, Reborn & Sawada Tsunayoshi
SUMMARY:
In which Tsuna and Xanxus wake up in each other's body.
Wait, what?
TAGS: Humor, Developing Relationship/Understanding, Introspection, POV INsider
WARNING: Swearing
LINKS: Ao3 & Ff.net
[Plain text:
EVENT: KHR Rare Pair Week 2023
PROMPT: Day 3 - Body Switching
TITLE: Tsuna’s and Xanxus’ Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
AUTHOR: @hopeswriting
RATING: T
PAIRINGS: Sawada Tsunayoshi & Xanxus-centric, Varia & Xanxus, Reborn & Sawada Tsunayoshi
SUMMARY:
In which Tsuna and Xanxus wake up in each other's body.
Wait, what?
TAGS: Humor, Developing Relationship/Understanding, Introspection, POV INsider
WARNING: Swearing
LINKS: Ao3 & Ff.net /End PT]
*
Tsuna opens his eyes normally while his mind snaps awake, ripped away from sleep by the chill running down his spine. It bites down past his skin through his muscles deep into his bones, goosebumps all over his body.
He curls up on himself deeper in the blanket, wrapping it around him as tight as possible and holding onto it for dear life. It changes nothing, his body badly shaking, his teeth chattering.
He has no trouble holding onto the blanket despite how badly he shakes, and had no trouble grabbing onto it either. He caught a glimpse of his hands as he curled up on himself, of his non-shaking hands, but that can't be right. He's shaking, he knows he is. He feels like he should be anyway.
He's cold. Not a "taking a cold shower" type of cold because he knows what that feels like, and this feels much worse in a way he's never felt before. Like—maybe he'd feel like that if he was dumped in a frozen lake in the middle of the coldest winter.
He's cold.
He's cold.
Tsuna's breath hitches at the carpet on the floor. He doesn't have a carpet in his room, and there are no rays of light shining on it from his window either.
Where is his window?
He doesn't see the shadow of Reborn's hammock on the floor either, and has to look much farther from the foot of the bed to catch sight of the door. Everything else hits him at once, the too comfortable and large bed, the too soft and heavy blanket—blankets—, the too big and luxurious room, and his breathing stops altogether.
Tsuna isn't in his room.
Tsuna shoots up on the bed, wildly flicking his eyes around the room and listening in for any noise for any clue of where he is and who he might be with, his heart beating in his chest.
Where the hell is he?
Did someone kidnap him in the middle of the night? But how could anyone ever get past Reborn? Is everyone else safe?
Tsuna thinks he sits up on the bed. He actually stands, holding onto guns, his heart beating at a steady pace. His body moved easily too, his eyes staying open without difficulty. He's clearly wide awake and well-rested, but he feels sluggish, heavy and tired, having woken up much earlier than he usually does if the darkness in the room is anything to go by.
What?
Tsuna looks down at the guns, but the first thing he actually notices is how far the floor is and how long his legs are, and how he wears a pajama he doesn't own. He does recognize the guns, but the hands are unfamiliar, too big, calloused and scared.
Tsuna inhales a sharp breath, dropping the guns on the floor. He scrambles for the wardrobe, for the full-length mirror on one of its doors, and flinches back at his reflection.
He freezes, looking at it with wide eyes.
Looking at Xanxus' reflection, and he watches as his face twists and crumbles in horror, confusion and panic.
What?
What?
What the actual fuck?
*
There are so many things wrong, Xanxus doesn't even know where to fucking start.
The cold, for one. He still feels cold, but that's the only thing it seems to be, a feeling. He feels warm too, is warm, and that can't be just a feeling because how the hell would he even remember how that feels like with any accuracy whatsoever?
His consciousness' coming back to him annoyingly too slowly, as if he's ever been not-cold enough to sleep in since they got him out of that damn ice. Why the fuck those trashes would even let him sleep in either way? And how would he do it even if they did when no one in that damn mansion can do anything quietly unless they're on a job?
The shitty bed and pillow under him aren't his, the thin pajama he's wearing and the thin blanket over him sure as hell aren't either, the smells in the room unfamiliar, and the sunlight shining on him doesn't come from the right direction. It isn't quiet either wherever he is, but the noises coming from downstairs aren't any he recognizes.
Where the fuck is he and who brought him here?
How did they manage to get past all the Varia and kidnap him from the Varia mansion? Kidnap him from his own goddamn bedroom?
How did they manage to get past him to even kidnap him?
They better fucking be someone highly qualified and better be fucking ready for a gruesome and painful death too, even more so if they already bragged about it to anyone else.
Xanxus finally opens his eyes and takes notice of his surroundings. Will take notice of his surroundings anyway, as soon as he's done taking his sweet fucking time blearily and sleepily blinking his eyes open.
Jesus fucking Christ—
"Let me help you with that."
Xanxus tenses, but from the way the kick sinks in his side without resistance, it seems he actually didn't fucking do that. He's kicked out of the bed and wants to maneuver himself mid-air to land on his feet, but gracelessly falls face down on the floor instead.
What the fuck happened to him?
His body isn't responding to his mind, and it's already giving him a fucking headache.
Xanxus hears himself groan in a voice that isn't his, but mostly he can't believe it hurts at all. Not actual hurt as the kick clearly wasn't meant to inflict any actual damage, and yet that he still registers pain from such a pathetic kick?
Whatever was done to his body and whoever did it will pay the price for it a hundred folds.
Xanxus rises on all fours, turning to look at the bastard who kicked him, and ideally also the one who's responsible for all this. "Reborn!" he whines before he has any chance to stop it like it's second nature.
What?
The trash brat's trash baby stands on the bed, smirking as he looks at him, and though it'd explain most of everything happening, Xanxus refuses to entertain the thought.
"Who the fuck do you think you're kicking like some worthless scum?"
For a split-second, the trash baby's face turns stone-cold, any amusement wiped from his face, but he smooths his expression again so fast, Xanxus might have been fooled thinking it never changed at all. "You're going to be late for school. Hurry up and get ready for the day."
Xanxus stands, glowering at him. Now at least he's wide awake along with his senses, but he's sure as hell not about to thank him for it. "Don't fucking order me around, trash."
The trash baby misses a purposeful beat, his eyes intent and unblinking on him. Then he smirks wider, splitting his face in half, a gleam shining in his eyes.
The temperature in the room drops several degrees, goosebumps rising all over his skin.
The trash baby all but purrs, "Say that to me again?"
*
Tsuna shrieks like his life depends on it and can't find anything funny in seeing Xanxus do the same in the mirror, instead only growing more horrified by the absurdity of such a sight. He brings his hands to his face, roughly palms every inch of it he can, and despairs the longer Xanxus keeps doing the same at the same time as him.
Is this really happening?
Please, tell him it's not really happening.
Tsuna whips around, his hands flying behind his back, and he tenses at not finding anything for them to grab onto. He needs a moment for all of it to catch up to him, to realize he's not still looking in the mirror, to stop feeling like he still is.
The lag between his mind and body is jarring, making him nauseous, and only because this is Xanxus' body he stays steady on his feet.
Tsuna needs another moment to register the sight of Squalo standing in front of the door. His face's unreadable, but everything about him is cold, his sword drawn out of his hand, his eyes boring into him.
"S—Squalo-san?" he squeaks. Squalo lets go of his killing intent, his face turning dark, and Tsuna almost throws up for real when it washes over him. "W—wait—!" he says, raising his hands in front of him.
"Who the fuck are you and what did you do to Boss?" he asks, marching forwards.
"W—wait, please! It's me, Sawada Tsunayoshi! I'm Tsuna, I swear!"
Thankfully, Squalo freezes. "The fuck—"
"What did you say?" Mammon says over him, appearing in the air next to him, and Tsuna startles.
No, his mind does, but he only looks at them like he knew they were there all along.
"I'm Tsuna," he says again. "I don't know what's going on either. I just woke up and… I was like this."
The room goes dead silent, the tension in the air thick, and Squalo and Mammon exchange a long and charged glance. Tsuna tenses when Mammon flies towards him, but stays put.
He stays put too when they rest their hand against his forehead, and whatever they do, Tsuna doesn't feel anything.
"It's true," they say after a moment, pulling their hand away and turning to Squalo. "The mind in Boss' body right now is Tsunayoshi Sawada's."
"The fuck?" Squalo barks out, the words clearly not what he was hoping to hear.
"I don't know. I might figure something out by looking more into it, but…"
"Spill it."
"Well, of course it's too soon to draw any conclusion, but this doesn't seem to be a case of possession. If it was, Boss' body's muscle memory wouldn't still be clearly his, and so wouldn't work faster than Tsunayoshi's mind can keep up with it. It seems Tsunayoshi might just really have woken up in the wrong body, somehow."
Possession… Would Mukuro maybe know more about this?
Tsuna widens his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. "Wait, what about me?" he blurts out. "My—my body, I mean. What's happening to it right now?"
Mammon huffs. "Take a wild guess. And it'd be for the best if it was the correct one too, so we better hope it is."
Squalo grits his teeth hard, so much so it's obvious all the way from where Tsuna stands. Then he pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut, and thankfully retracting his sword.
A hysterical laugh tumbles from Tsuna's lips.
He thinks he has it bad right now?
Tsuna doesn't even want to think about what the "correct guess" is, or he'll lose it for real.
"VOI!" Squalo shouts. "Hurry your asses and get in here!"
The rest of the Varia doesn't wait to be told twice, Levi A Than just about bursting inside the room, holding onto his parabolas. Lussuria and Belphegor follow after him, with Belphegor holding onto one of his knives.
"Boss, are you all right?" Levi A Than shouts. "Who do I need to kill? Please, just give me your orders—"
"Shut the fuck up, Levi!" Squalo cuts him off. "Go look at the footage from last night from when Boss went to sleep, and look into anything weird you'll notice." Levi A Than seems about to argue, but a sharp look from Squalo shuts him up again and sends him on his way, however reluctantly. "Luss, go check on our security system. Run all our security protocols again and see if anything's amiss."
"Boss's fine though, yes?" Lussuria asks, his tone pleasant and light, but the feel of him trailing his eyes up and down Xanxus' body feels anything but. "He doesn't need any of my beautiful Sun flames, does he?"
"At least not for now," Mammon says.
Lussuria keeps his eyes on him another beat before leaving in turn.
Belphegor laughs. "What's going on though? Why is Boss… standing and looking like that? Fill in the prince too right now, peasants."
"Later," Squalo says. "Go clear the way to Boss' office. We can't let anyone see him like this."
"Make sure it's safe too," Mammon adds.
"Obviously, the prince isn't stupid. But wouldn't you do a better job at that, Mammon? Considering what seems to be going on here."
The three of them exchange glances before Mammon disappears in Mist flames and Belphegor lazily follows after them, walking out of the room.
The silence's tensed and suffocating once only Squalo and him are left. Squalo stays put right where he stands, maybe guarding the door considering he can also keep his eyes on the window from where he is.
He's looking at him though. He doesn't seem to find the sight pleasing, but seems even more unwilling to look away.
Tsuna can't mind it for long. The shock, confusion and panic of his sudden predicament took his mind off of it a little, but now it wore off and the Varia took things under control, all he can feel—all he can focus on again is how cold he feels.
He's hugging himself, rubbing his arms up and down, and he doesn't remember when he started doing it but it doesn't help at all. He doesn't shake, his teeth not chattering either, but he feels like he should, and he'd swear he is, can only be.
Tsuna's too cold to realize when they get him in Xanxus' office, sitting in the chair behind the desk, the others spread around the room. He distantly focuses on them again when Lussuria and Levi A Than walk inside the office too.
"The fuck?" Squalo rounds on them instantly.
"You can fight me on it," Levi A Than bites back, standing his ground. "The others can take care of it. Boss doesn't hire useless and incompetent trashes."
"What he said," Lussuria says. "Besides, you can't expect us to not want to be here too, Captain. We don't even know what's going on yet."
"Tsunayoshi Sawada is currently the one in Boss' body," Mammon says.
There's a stunned beat of silence before Belphegor laughs. "For real?"
"Wait, so where's the boss'… mind right now?" Levi A Than asks urgently.
"I'm cold." Tsuna could have as well fired a gun from the way they snap their attention to him, stilling and quieting down, but he's too cold to care. "I'm really, really cold."
"Suck it up," Squalo says.
"No, you don't understand." A bitter, angry and hateful look flickers across all their faces, but Tsuna's too cold to care. "I'm really—I'm freezing. I need—"
The heaviest and warmest blankets they have, all of them. A heavy and warm coat. A scarf, gloves and a beanie. Warmer clothes than just a pajama and more layers than he's already wearing.
Something.
Anything.
"Why am I this cold?"
It's not the temperature, that much is clear by looking at them. But he could have told either way because he's freezing from the inside out.
"Take a wild guess, peasant." Belphegor isn't smiling, let alone laughing, and the hard line of his lips is accusing, if not downright hostile. "It's not as if you don't have anything to do with it."
"What?"
Mammon clicks their tongue. "You're not stupid, Tsunayoshi Sawada. You feel cold in Boss' body? You don't say."
It hits Tsuna like a truck, and for that one moment, he forgets about the cold entirely.
He's freezing from the inside out. From a type of cold he's never felt before and one that doesn't have anything to do with the temperature.
"No," he says with a strangled voice, shaking his head. "That can't be. This isn't—" Is this the after-effect of the Zero Point Breakthrough? His stomach twists, his voice strangling on itself further. "Th—then… what does he do to make himself feel better?"
"He sucks it up," Squalo grounds out through gritted teeth, and there's no pity on his face as he looks at him.
"B—but—"
"Tsunayoshi-kun," Lussuria cuts him off, and Tsuna needs a moment to realize he's the one talking, the ever-lightness and pleasantness in his voice nowhere to be heard. "We could let you do everything you could think of to make you feel warmer, but all it'd do is give you a heatstroke. And I'm afraid you'll just have to trust us on this. We would know."
"Wait." Tsuna stands on shaky legs, leaning his hands on the desk. "Wait, wait, what are you saying? Isn't this… just occasional? It… passes, right?"
Their silence speaks for them, and there's no pity on their faces as Tsuna widens his eyes in horrifying realization.
Xanxus always feels like this? Always feels this freezing cold?
Xanxus' always been feeling like this ever since they got him out of the ice?
Was he feeling like this too while in the ice?
Tsuna's stomach rolls violently, his legs almost buckling under him as he bends over the desk, bile rising up his throat. He slaps his hand against his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes, and only distantly hears the others' abrupt and aborted movement to come closer.
Tsuna's cold. He's cold. He's cold.
The Ninth did this to Xanxus?
Tsuna did this to him too.
He used the Zero Point Breakthrough on him knowing exactly it was already used on him once and for how long it was used on him, and he never spared it a second thought since. He didn't spare it a second thought while he did it either and felt right doing it.
Tsuna laughs, but it sounds more like sobs, and the tears in his eyes aren't only because of the bile caught in his throat.
They are turning him into Vongola Decimo, slowly but surely, and just slowly enough Tsuna had yet to even realize it.
*
The trash brat's body is a joke, and even if it isn't his, it still hurts his pride he isn't able to put up a fight whatsoever against that damned trash baby of his. Especially when the trash baby isn't even trying even though the trash brat's body still feels his hits land.
Xanxus eventually and very reluctantly stops trying to fight back. The trash baby holds him nose to nose by two fistfuls of his shirt, standing on the floor, forcing him to bend his body uncomfortably low.
"Now," he says. "Who are you, and what happened to the original owner of this body?"
Ha. He's worried now, is he? As if he didn't just beat him up into submission without any hesitation whatsoever.
As if he isn't the most dangerous thing around and to the trash brat.
"Let go of me, and maybe I can go take a fucking look and tell you."
He keeps holding onto him a moment longer, but then smirks, letting go of him. "Just try anything and see how well it'll go for you."
"Fuck off."
Xanxus goes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him just to piss him off before standing in front of the mirror above the sink.
The trash brat looks back at him.
And it's not as if Xanxus didn't already figure it out, but fucking hell.
Xanxus grits his teeth hard to not destroy the bathroom, starting with the mirror. Instead he takes off his shirt, wanting to see if whatever this is might have left a helpful mark on the trash brat's body. He also needs to check if he can still use flames, whether his or the trash brat's, whichever ones will work.
He's still warm.
A slight chill does run through the trash brat's body, but it's insignificant compared to how warm he still is. Xanxus' shirtless, standing in a bathroom but still feeling warm, and it brings all thoughts in his head to a screeching halt.
Xanxus ruthlessly and mercilessly makes them keep going again. He took the cold with him once they finally got him out of that damn ice, and the one silver lining to that is that he couldn't quite remember anymore how it feels to be warm anyway.
Xanxus doesn't plan to stay in this body a second longer than he has to, and the last thing he needs is to accurately remember again how warmth feels like once he'll be back in his body.
His thoughts stray away again as he flicks his eyes over the trash brat's body. It's… the body of a boy. Of a kid.
It doesn't look weak or out of shape, is already marred and scared too, but Xanxus can still easily count the marks on it. His skin's still soft and pliant to his touch too, nothing like his own body.
Obviously there's no point comparing the trash brat to him when he spent the first years of his life in the slums, but he's known children under ten years old whose bodies looked more prepared for their world ever since the old fart took him in. As it should be if they hope to reach adulthood relatively in one piece.
The trash brat's a kid. A civilian.
The Vongola Ring looks entirely out of place on his small and slender fingers like it might break them under its weight any second now.
The trash brat's a kid, but he's the one they chose over him? He's the one they decided they'll break and build again into Vongola Decimo? The one they decided to bet on the fact he'll survive them breaking him before building him up again?
Xanxus watches the trash brat's face twist in distaste.
He could have done without the reminder of just what kind of world the mafia world is on this already shit day he's having, thank you very fucking much.
*
Tsuna ended up throwing up, and crying a little too to his mortification, but Mammon constructed a bucket on the desk before he could make a mess out of it. They put it away in the corner the furthest away from all of them, and thankfully whichever security protocol keeping the office's window secure had already been checked by then, allowing them to open it.
They allowed him one blanket too, and though it makes no difference to how cold he feels, he says nothing.
"What now?" he asks.
"We wait to hear from Boss," Squalo says.
"If he really is safe and sound in Tsunayoshi-kun's body at his home like we assume he is," Lussuria says. "At which point are we supposed to assume otherwise if we don't hear from him?"
An almost imperceptible uneasy feeling washes over them.
Mammon and Belphegor are the first to speak up at the same time.
"Tsunayoshi woke up at 5 a.m. sharp, the same time Boss does."
"The peasant woke up at exactly the same time Boss does."
They all turn their attention on him, and he needs a moment to catch up. "Oh! Right, sorry. Um, today's a school day, so I'll be up at 7 a.m.."
"Around noon then," Lussuria says.
Squalo nods. "We'll decide on our next course of action if we still don't hear from him by 1 p.m.."
"We should just take the jet to Japan right now."
Levi A Than's words are met with Belphegor's scoff and Squalo clicking his tongue.
"When we're not even sure yet if he's actually there?" Squalo asks.
"We can't just use the jet like that either, you know this, Levi-chan. Especially to go to Namimori, Japan, of all places."
Levi A Than steps forwards, lightning crackling in the air. "I'll go look for Boss alone if I have to."
Squalo flares his Rain flames too, staring him down, and Belphegor takes out a second knife to play with.
"Stop it, all of you," Mammon says. "Levi, you're worried, of course you are. But letting it get the best of you won't be of any help right now."
For a moment Tsuna fears they won't listen to reason, but then Levi A Than steps back and Squalo looks away from him.
"Too bad," Belphegor says before laughing. He doesn't put away his second knife, but it doesn't seem to bother the others. "Should the prince be the one to say what you peasants don't want to say then?" Their faces turn sharper, and Tsuna himself straightens in his chair, frowning. "As of now, this is most likely looking to be the result of an inside job, or at least something an insider helped make happen."
Squalo scoffs. "So what? It still wouldn't explain shit about how they managed to pull it off."
"But it'd still be somewhere to start."
"Are you volunteering to catch them, Bel-chan?"
"Wouldn't Mammon do a faster job at it?"
"Don't I always turn out to be better at doing your jobs one way or another? What a funny coincidence."
Belphegor laughs. "If you ask nicely, then the prince might be willing to advise you and lend you his skills in all his generosity."
"Anything else?" Squalo cuts in.
"Well, not that the prince cares, but shouldn't we notify Vongola Nono of this?"
Squalo's jaw ticks. "We wait to hear from Boss first. We were compromised. Vongola might have been too."
"I don't know about that," Mammon says, and Tsuna catches himself in time to not nod in agreement. "Boss' Varia is the Varia, of course, but Vongola is also Vongola. Besides, we're independent from them. It's unlikely they were compromised too."
"Then?" Squalo barks out, maybe more aggressively than he meant, looking at each of them in turn.
"I agree with the captain," Lussuria says, leaning away from the wall. "It'd be wiser to keep things between us until we have a better grasp on the situation."
"Then we also have to make sure the Varia works as it normally does," Levi A Than adds.
Lussuria claps his hands together, his face brightening. "Oh my, Levi-chan, my thoughts exactly! Aren't you ever so reliable?"
Levi A Than huffs, crossing his arms on his chest. "Don't look down on me. I'm Boss' most trusted man."
"All right, scums, there you have it!" Squalo shouts. "Mammon, you make more of you so there's always someone with Boss. The real one stays."
"Obviously."
"The fake you will go catch any rats that might be scurrying around. Levi, Luss, get the fuck back to your jobs. And you better fucking be hoping no rat has already made this harder than it has to be."
"Aw, Squalo-chan. You're only able to say this because you weren't the one who had to leave Boss' side at such a time."
"Trash prince, you and I will make sure this place keeps running as it's supposed to."
"Call me trash prince again, you peasant shark."
"W—wait," Tsuna says. "Mammon-san doesn't have to do that, I can stay alone. I won't go anywhere and I'll make sure no one else see me—"
"Ah, Tsunayoshi-kun, one last thing before we go," Lussuria cuts him off like he didn't speak up at all. "Would you please do something about Boss' flames?"
Tsuna blinks. "What… about them?"
"Oh, please!" Levi A Than snaps, startling him. "They're all over the place and—" He snaps his mouth shut, clenching his jaw. "They don't feel anything like Boss."
Mammon sighs. "If you can't stop them from leaking out of you, would you at least do something about your state of mind? It's… distracting."
Only then Tsuna notices how tense they are, how stiff Lussuria's smile is on his lips. But wasn't it because of their current situation?
Tsuna can't control Xanxus' flames though. He hadn't realized they'd been slipping in the air all this time, but he already tried to call them to him, hoping it might make him feel warmer, but the cold—
"I can't—" Lussuria stops smiling, tightly pursing his lips instead while Levi A Than's face twists in such disdain, yet the expression on their faces and the look in their eyes is familiar, making his heart clench. He swallows thickly, a lump in his throat. He nods. "I—I'll try."
Tsuna closes his eyes and reaches deep within himself, deep within Xanxus to where his flames are. It's colder and colder the deeper he goes, the closer he gets to the core of his flames, and then he slams against the same wall of ice as before just before he can access his flames.
White-hot cold assaults his senses, burning ice running through his veins instead of blood, and like before, he almost blacks out.
The first time Tsuna hastily pulled away, but this time he grits his teeth hard and pushes through the wall of ice.
He doesn't feel warmer once he can finally access Xanxus' flames, spreading them throughout his body, but does feel better, and he'll take anything he can get. He keeps his flames running through him, but calls back to him the flames that slipped in the air outside his body.
The others' relief's instantaneous and obvious, their flames losing the tension and sharp edge to them, no doubt despite themselves, and Tsuna's heart clenches harder than before.
They care so much. He would know, because that's how his Guardians—his friends, his family look at him too.
Doesn't Xanxus realize just how much he already has? Does he truly not care?
Does he really think it worthless compared to him ruling Vongola to the point he risked it all twice? To the point he was so resolved and desperate to make it happen no matter what and who he had to sacrifice along the way?
Tsuna's people is all he'll ever need, and to him, they'll always be worth more than anything else in the world.
Then again, one thing the world first taught him is that he doesn't get to be greedy.
Maybe Xanxus just can't bear the thought of having to relearn he can't always have all he wants from the world after all.
*
The trash baby throws him clothes as soon as he steps out of the bathroom.
"What the hell is this?"
"Get back in there and get ready for the day. I won't say it again."
"Is this a fucking school uniform?" he says, holding the clothes in front of him.
"Tsuna is a fifteen years old middle schooler, and today's Tuesday. What else were you planning on doing?"
"Don't fuck with me."
"Xanxus, right?" Xanxus can't stop himself from sneering. Why is he asking something he already knows? This is why Xanxus hates the trash baby's type the most. "I thought so," he says, smirking. "If we keep to Tsuna's usual routine, acting as if this… body swap failed, whoever did it might just show us their face. I trust the Varia will take good care of Tsuna in the meantime, won't they?" Xanxus scoffs. They better fucking be. If they let that trash brat do anything harmful to his body, there'll be hell to pay. "Would they pick up if we were to contact them right now?"
Xanxus flicks his eyes to the alarm clock, and almost laughs. It's 7:37, and considering he wakes up at 5, he sure fucking hopes they don't need seven hours to secure the mansion and their communication lines, and get them up and running again. "They will."
The trash baby takes a moment to consider. "Well, considering they have yet to try to contact us, things must be going well enough over there too. Let's go eat breakfast first. Hurry it up."
Xanxus stays put, glaring down at him for a long moment of tensed silence because he still has some fucking pride left even if he's in the trash brat's body. He eventually goes back inside the bathroom, but only because he's hungry too.
Xanxus doesn't know what to expect as they walk downstairs, but that perfect picture of a family isn't it. The kitchen's noisy and lively, the trash brat's mother happily cooking more food for the ones at the table to eat. The kids laugh and scream and bicker, talking over each other and making a mess of their food. Poison Scorpion is there too, for some fucking reason, giving the trash baby heart eyes.
It's another type of warmth Xanxus didn't get to know even before they got him in the ice and his brothers died, and he can't reconcile it with the idea of one of the empty two chairs left at the table being his.
"Good morning, Tsuna—" the trash brat's mother starts, turning to look at them. She gasps. "Tsuna! What happened to your face?"
"He fell from his bed while sleeping," the trash baby says.
Xanxus scoffs. "The fuck I did."
There's a chorus of gasps from the kids and again from the trash brat's mother, but he ignores it, making himself take a seat at the table.
The cow brat laughs. "Tsuna-nii said a bad word!"
"Is everything okay, Tsuna-nii?" the older-looking kid asks, a worried frown between his brows.
Wait, isn't he the Ranking Prince? The fuck?
"Mind your own damn business," he says before starting to eat, ignoring the look Poison Scorpion sends the trash baby.
Someone pinches and pulls at his cheek, turning his head to them. "Sawada Tsunayoshi!" the trash brat's mother says, frowning down at him. "You will watch that mouth of yours under my roof and in front of the children. What even has gotten into you all of a sudden anyway?"
Fuck the shitty senses this body has!
Xanxus' been in a constant state of high awareness ever since he woke up to make up for the much smaller scope of his surroundings he can keep track of in this body, and not only it's bound to take its toll on him, making him even more vulnerable than he already is, but that it doesn't even let him see something like this coming, let alone let him avoid it?
So what if the trash brat wouldn't consider any of the people here as a risk to keep track of?
It's just plain fucking common sense to always keep being aware of your surroundings anyway!
Xanxus has barely opened his mouth that the trash baby makes sure no words come out of it by focusing his killing intent on him for a split-second. "He just had a rough night, Mama," he says. "Don't worry."
"Don't try to cover for him, Reborn-kun," she says, but lets go of his cheek anyway. She puts her hands on her hips, a stern look on her face. "Don't you let me hear you speak like that again, you hear me, Tsuna?"
Xanxus loses track of his thoughts despite himself. Is he being scolded right now?
By the trash brat's mother?
Is he on the other side of a mother's scolding right now?
"Mama scolded Tsuna-nii!" the cow brat sings now. "Lambo-san never gets scolded because he always listens to Mama!"
"Liar, Lambo!" the Chinese kid says. "And leave Tsuna-nii alone, you're being mean!"
The cow child sings louder, and despite her words, she can't stop herself from laughing at it along with the Ranking Prince.
"Men should know how to speak with class and elegantly," Poison Scorpion says like she's imparting him some fucking truth about the world. "Isn't that right, Reborn?"
"Yes, yes," the trash brat's mother is the one to agree, going back to cooking. "They also should know how to speak romantically, isn't that right?"
Ha. This is family. Family, not Family.
Ha! The trash brat has so much to protect, has so much to lose, of course he was as resolved and desperate as him to win the Rings Battles that day.
This is stooping so low even scum mafiosi would spit at your face, yet the old fart had something to say about his character? He sends the World's Greatest Hitman of all people to the trash brat, but Xanxus is the one who wasn't a good enough person in his eyes?
And what to say of the trash baby?
Xanxus catches his eye, and he's not quite sure of what kind of expression he's wearing, but the scathing mockery in his voice is unmistakable. "'Mama', is it?"
Obviously the trash brat considers the trash baby one of his too, but how fucking shameless do you have to be to let it happen? And he's the one finding Xanxus not good enough too?
What a fucking joke.
Sure, Xanxus would have killed even the five years old cow brat to get his hands on the rings, but at least that's all he'd have done to him.
*
It's plenty awkward when only Mammon and him are left in the office, but Tsuna gets over it soon. Mammon mostly ignores him, sitting on the desk, not doing anything or even moving as far as Tsuna can tell. Maybe they're focusing on whatever their Mist double's doing, or maybe, when Tsuna feels their eyes on him, they're looking into his mind for any clue. If they are, Tsuna can tell and he'd rather not ask.
He leaves them to it, busying himself with the closest book to him on the desk. It's about economics, and likely doesn't bore him to death or to sleep only because he's reading it with Xanxus' brain, not that he still understands any of it.
The others drop by often enough for news, but nothing else much happens otherwise as the hours silently pass between Mammon and him.
By 12: 50 p.m. everyone's in the office again, and at 1 p.m. sharp, the phone rings.
Tsuna hurries to pick it up. "H—hello? Xanxus?"
"Put it on speaker," the Varia says as one at the same time Mammon pushes said button on the phone.
"Don't you fucking dare speak like that using my mouth and voice."
It's a relief to so obviously hear Xanxus speak in his voice, but Tsuna still entirely misses his chance to indignantly tell him to not speak like that with his mouth and voice.
"Boss!" Levi A Than wails, utter relief in his voice. "Are you all right? Please, punish me in any way you see fit for letting this happen to you!"
Belphegor laughs. "Boss, are you really in the peasant's body right now?"
"Are you?" Mammon asks too, an amused smile on their lips.
"Oh, I know exactly what you're thinking of, Mammon-chan," Lussuria says excitedly. "We must go to Japan as soon as we can to see it for ourselves."
"Ha!" Squalo laughs. "Why don't you let this experience humble you a little, you shitty boss?"
"Shut the fuck up, you scums."
"You're on speaker over here too," Reborn says.
"Reborn!" Tsuna shouts, so relieved he might just start crying again. "Oh, thank God. Are you at home right now? Is everyone okay?"
"They're fine. Anything helpful you can recall?"
Tsuna shakes his head. "No. I just woke up and I was like this."
"How do you feel?"
"Fine? There's just this… lag between my mind and body, but otherwise it doesn't feel like anything went wrong with this—body swap?"
"Boss?" Mammon prompts him.
"Same here."
"So what now?" Squalo asks.
"We need to let Nono know of this," Reborn says. "Is it already done?"
"Not yet."
"Then get on it."
Mammon bristles, clicking their tongue. "It'd kill you to ask nicely, would it?"
"Let's not do this right now, Mammon-chan."
"We'll keep to the trash brat's routine over here," Xanxus says, and Tsuna's heart misses a beat. What did he say? "We'll see if it'll bait the fucking trash who did this to show themself."
"Wait—"
"You trashes just keep the Varia up and running until I get back, got that?"
"That's how it is, Tsuna," Reborn says. "Just follow their lead, and you should be fine."
"Wait!" Tsuna shouts, abruptly standing. "Xanxus' going to go to school in my place? In my body?"
He's joking, right?
"It's not like I fucking want to either, all right?"
"No way," Belphegor says in a mischievous sing-song tone. "Are you really going to?"
"Don't fucking kill anyone," Squalo says warily.
"Exactly!" Tsuna shouts again.
"The fuck was that?"
"Boss can do whatever he wants!"
"Don't you get the situation you're in right now, Tsuna?" Reborn says, and Tsuna scoffs. As if he was ever going to get fooled by his serious tone. "Don't you want us to get you back in your body as soon as possible? Don't be difficult."
"You think I can't see the amused gleam in your eyes all the way from here?" Reborn chuckles. "Reborn! Don't you let this happen, I swear—"
"Shut the fucking hell up, trash brat! What don't you get in 'That's how it is?'? We'll keep in touch every hour."
"Xanxus, don't you—!"
He hangs up.
Did he really just fucking hang up?
This isn't happening.
"Xanxus isn't about to go to school in my body, right?" he asks the room at large. "I didn't hear that right, right?"
"What's the worse that could happen, Tsunayoshi-kun?" Lussuria asks like everything is well in the world.
Tsuna takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, and tries hard to not just start crying.
*
Xanxus puts the phone down, side-eyeing the trash baby. "Do you actually think this has a chance to work, or is this just for your sick amusement?"
"What about this: wouldn't it be even less likely to help us catch the culprit if you were to stay locked in here?"
"You always fucking know what to say, don't you?"
He smirks. "We agree then. So you might as well go to school in his stead."
"You're walking," he says, picking up the trash brat's bag and making for the door. "You just try sitting on me."
The trash brat's Guardians wait for him in front of the house, the bomb brat and the sword one. They brighten at his sight.
"Ten—!"
"Tsu—!"
They do a double take, their eyes intent on him as he walks closer to them.
The sword brat looks between him and the trash baby, who's quick to jump on his shoulder, before settling his eyes on him. The smile on his lips is as sharp as his eyes. "Tsuna?"
"Reborn-san?" the bomb brat asks him instead. "What's going on?"
So they noticed. Well, thank fucking God they're at least able to pass such a low-ass bar.
"Shut the hell up and let's go," he says, walking past them.
The bomb brat splutters in his back like he just insulted his mother or something, a weird-sounding laugh coming out of the sword one.
Xanxus ignores it, apparently on his way to a fucking civilian middle school of all places.
So help him if anyone so much as breathe the wrong way towards him, mark his words.
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