#like I am not the kind of girl yr talking about fucking and I know it lol

[lilyblisslys]

question for other transfemmes, how do you feel listening to lesbian/wlw pop music? Thinking like Boy Genius, Hayley Kiyoko, Chappell Roan, etc.

other examples bc apparently not everyone is dating someone who loves sad softpop would be like, Scene Queen, Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, uhh I think mitski is bi(?)

#I wanna like it but I get major impostor syndrome #like I am not the kind of girl yr talking about fucking and I know it lol #like I’m totally outside all of this subject matter #which feels isolating as all hell #trans

[crushedsweets]

I am so curious as to what you'd think about Nina and Hoodie as a duo. They've been two of my absolute favorites (even if Brian technically isn't even a creepypasta) since I was younger and I've always loved them as a sort of big brother/little sister pairing. They are so siblings to me I adore them. What are your thoughts on the sillies..

OHHH this is actually super interesting... but also im worried i do not have a lot to say because they won't mesh very well/very much. but i will try. not super realistic headcanons i think but what do i know... <3

brian isnt very present in my story, partially bc ik some mh fans dont like the crossover very much. and by time ninas in the story, i want him+tim to kinda separate from slenderman as toby and kate take over. he's still involved and coming around since he gets horrible slender sickness(but its from the operator) if he's away too long, but he doesn't live near or befriend most of the main cast..

nina is very present in my story because i love her and she is such a good and fun representation of the fandom yk. but brian is much more realistic and late 30s man, while nina is a very cartoonish early 20s girl. theyre on very different fields character and life wise...

BUUUUUUUUUT they would still meet of course.

she'd be bubbling around the entire cast, meeting people through jeff. people initially think she's in the same vein as jeff, natalie, and toby, with a LONG list of blood on their hands influenced by the operator, so they just don't think much about it. theyre mostly surprised by how cheery she is, but the proxies are the first to find out she's just... obsessed with jeff..... so thats very off putting. brian isn't fond of it.

nina would develop some light slender sickness(again, from the operator) just by being around jeff all the time, but the operator never infected her because he didn't see her as a worthy vessel. so, she would have to come to the proxies about it. if toby isnt in the mood or busy, she'd just have to hope brian/tim are around with some pills that'll soothe the pain

brian is more likely to help. with nina, he'd be quick to take on a more protective role, trying to console her as she cries on the couch holding her head whining about static.

initial convos would go smth along the lines of "do you want some coffee ? or uh kids like hot chocolate huh... maybe tea" "i'm literally in my 20s please tell me toby has weed somewhere" "that does not help with this pain i promise" "how would you know" "haha. water it is."

brian was a major stoner back in his early 20s and nina thinks its fucking hilarious. . . she'll try to get him to smoke with her but he's rlly not interested LOLLLL.... hes like 15 yrs older than her he thinks its weird .

again, he's not around a lot, but she's always happy to bump into him. she'd be squealing n shit 'HIII BRIANNNN how r u :3' and he'd just be like :) hey nina. and then never answer the 'how r u' bc he doesnt actually wanna sit and talk .

its a good change of pace. he's been through hell and back for well over a decade by this point, everyone around him is a sad sack of shit, and he spent a long time just. fighting to be an optimistic, cool guy to hang around . . but .... like.... um..... its hard to be that kind of person after all he's been thru. something about nina just forces that sort of like..... glee out of him . its not a huge difference where he's suddenly bouncing and giggling and whatever, he's still just Some Guy. but he'll be like :) lol .

mayhaps he'd catch her trying on toby's goggles and he'd offer to let her try on his mask. but nina would fake gag and be like 'no i dont want that dirty musty nasty sack on my head' and he'd be like ?????. then he'd say she can wash it and then try it on. which.. as an older sibling.... is the type of shit i'd do just to get my sister to do smth for me that i dont wanna do LMFAOOO. she might fall for it just cuz my dear nina is the ultimate fangirl

i dunno i kinda struggled with this one just cuz in my au, they wouldnt be all that close and the Type of characters they are don't mesh very well, but i am super fond of the concept and would love to try expanding on it more

#asks #creepypasta headcanon #nina the killer #creeped #hcs #ty for ask btw <33

[my-castles-crumbling]

Cas babe, I'm royally fucked. The drama that is surrounding me rn is so fucking unreal.

So let me start from the very beginning, so I m a 16 yr old girl and i hv this really close guy friend let's call him J, so J and I have been friends since forever, like I don't even remember when I first met him. I have known him since I was born , like I have never known a life without J. And i love him like a brother.

Ok so fast forward a few years and now we're both 16, and we met this girl, Lottie she was a transfer student and we ( J , Lottie and I) had a few classes together. And slowly we develop a friendship.

Now the thing is that J has a crush on Lottie and he told me as soon as he realised it and me being the great friend that I am have subtly been wingwomaning him .

So, last week after English class (only Lottie and I have this class) , Lottie asked me out. Yeah, and I'm straight af but I'm an ally. So I was like what? But she was like i thought u were queer coz u give very strong queer vibes which is kinda true because I have a MAJOR crush on lily Rose depp and i hv always said that she could run me over with her car and I'd thank her and beg her to fuck me, (yeah I have issues.) And I also have bi friend who i jokingly call my wife bcoz when she came out ppl were being very homophobic and i thought that was the only way to support her. (i was 14 ok i don't judge me)

So back to Lottie I wa obviously s so very awkward I was like ohhh. And i told her in the politest way i could manage that I m straight af (bcoz i am) and I'm kinda flustered that she has a crush on me bcoz she is really pretty. And she got very embarassed and started apologising and I was like no no it's fine , it's totally fine. Yeah but she also kinda requested me not to tell anyone else that she's a lesbian bcoz she's not out to everyone, and I was like Of course .And now she has been trying to avoid me for the few days which anyone in her position would do tbh, so I don't blame her for that.

Ok so now bcoz Lottie is avoiding me she's also avoiding J by extension coz we both r usually hanging out together. So i already told u that J has a crush on Lottie so he was obviously not happy that she was avoiding us and i couldn't tell him why bcoz OBVIOUSLY.

And a little note abt my best friend he is extremely fucking extra , he is the biggest drama queen in the world like Sirius Black level of drama. So now his dumbass decided that he will ask Lottie out, and bcoz he is so fucking extra abt everything he is thinking of using the help of his teammates ( he's on the football team) to ask her out after the football match next Friday.

And in trying to convince him that he should not do it, but when he asks why i don't have any solid reason because it's not my place to tell him abt Lottie. So he's really planning everything to make the proposal perfect, and I'm stressing tf out.

I love J and i don't want to see him get hurt bcoz obviously Lottie is gonna say no, and on top of that it would be kinda humiliating bcoz the entire school and another school would be there. And I'm also worried that Lottie will think that I did this in purpose to embarrass her so now I'm stuck in a huge fucking dilemma.

And ngl I find this situation extremely fucking hilarious BCOZ WHAT IN THE WATTPAD LEVEL OF SHIT IS THIS? IS THIS SITUATION EVEN REAL? LIKE DOES THIS KINDA SHIT EVEN HAPPEN IRL???

pls help me bcoz I don't know what tf I'm going to do and i hv to do something before Friday or 😭😭😭.

omg I have to say- the way I was literally gasping throughout this story because...wow

So first, I want to say I think you were really sweet with Lottie. It sounds like you're a super kind person, and a wonderful ally <3

Honestly, I would probably talk to Lottie (if possible) and tell her that J is about to ask her out in front of the entire school, and ask her if it's okay for you to tell him that she's simply not interested. The reason I think this is the best option is because, either way Lottie will find out about J's feelings, so you can't really prevent that. This way, you're preventing embarrassment for both Lottie and J. Also, you're possibly protecting Lottie from attention by telling J you just "heard Lottie is not interested" because that doesn't out Lottie. AND even if J doesn't listen to you, you've helped by both preparing Lottie for what will happen and by sort of...introducing J to the idea that she's not interested.

So yeah. I think this is your best bet.

Keep me updated, I'm dying to know what happens!

(Also I am naming all the anons who write to me in case they want to write in the future, and I am using a random positive affirmation generator to do so. So I dub thee: caring anon. Enjoy your free tag!)

#ask #asks #ask cas #caring anon

[ryuttaeng]

helloo, can i request for possessive/obsessed! dom! yeji x sub! ryujin? like theyve broken up before bcs yeji messed things up and they crossed paths agn aft a few yrs of separating

btw ur works are *chefs kiss* <3

pairing: ryeji; yeji x ryujin

WARNINGS: yandere, smut, unhealthy obsession, abuse, chocking, heavy themes, toxic relationships, death threats, pet names, fingering, hickeys, strong language/swearing, please do not read if sensitive/uncomfortable with such themes!

summary: having feelings for your ex through months or years even is normal, right? wanting everyone you see with your ex was dead - isn’t. but can you blame Yeji? invited to some party and staring at your ex-girlfriend talking with some guy, who obviously wants to fuck her wasn’t the pleasant sight to look at. standing up to reach them, making her way through the crowd, finally reaching her ex after years of split up, smiling softly to that guy.

genre: smut, yandere

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

His eyes literally fucked her and she seemed to enjoy that. He’s flirting - she flirts with him too. Didn’t he knew that she’s taken? His hand caressed her thighs, slowly moving it up, dangerously close, too much close, everything was too much, their contact and how he moved forward to…

“Excuse me, I need some kind of help and I need her help. Sorry!” Yeji stood behind Ryujin’s back, her hand resting on her shoulder. Younger girl froze, not wanting to think about who is behind her. She remembers that voice all too well, too well for her to forget. “Uh… Maybe I can help…” that guy obviously tried to make Yeji leave, but she refused to accept his ‘help’. “No, I need her help. Now, excuse me.” she took her hand, leading her away from that guy.

Ryujin couldn’t believe what’s happening right now. Her ex-girlfriend just ‘rose up from the dead’ and now she led her somewhere. After 3 years since they broke up? Impossible. But by the grip on her hand, she could say that it was pretty real, and by the time she just finished analysing what’s going on, Yeji already locked them up in bathroom.

Yeji locked the door, making sure that nobody would disturb them, turning around to see her ex properly. “What the fuck? Why am I here?” younger asked her, looking pissed off, annoyed and confused. Yeji smiled, grinned mischievously, slowly walking forward to her. “My Ryuddaeng. Do you know how long I have been waiting to see you again? That close?” Ryujin gulped, slowly moving away from Yeji. “What are you talking about? We’ve broke up 3 years ago!” she yelled. “I know, 3 years 2 months and 13 days. I’m sorry.” she whispered the last part of her sentence, pissing off younger. “You’re… sorry? Sorry for cheating on me? Sorry for fucking that girl in our bed? You’re still ignorant as you were back then!” Ryujin raised her hand, slapping Yeji.

“…You shouldn’t have done that.” Ryujin gasped, as Yeji grabbed her neck. “You don’t think that I don’t know that you and that guy fucking sometimes, right? I know that you’ve been friends with benefits for few months already. If you think that you’re gonna continue do that with him, you’re wrong.” Yeji’s grip on her neck tightened, making it even harder to breathe. Ryujin hold her hand, trying to remove it from her neck but failed. “You know, I’d rather see you dead than to be with another person.” finally, eventually Yeji lets go, letting her breathe.

Ryujin coughed several times, catching her breath, her elbows on bathroom counter. Yeji grabs her shoulder, turning her around. Smiling at the bruises she left on her neck, Yeji place a kiss on younger’s cheek. “You know the rules. As long as you are a good girl, you’re getting rewarded. Trying to get away from me - you’re getting a punishment.” Ryujin could only nod in agreement, already knowing she doesn’t have any other choice. “That’s my good girl. My and no one else’s.”

Yeji leaned forward, connecting her lips with Ryujin’s, her fingers in her hair, pushing her head forward to deepen the kiss. Younger girl reciprocated, breathing deeply. Yeji made her sit on the counter, her hands caressing Ryujin’s thighs. Pulling up her skirt, rubbing her clit through underwear fabric, receiving from younger a moan. Slipping her hand under her panties, instantly sinking in two fingers, Yeji placed her lips lower. Leaving hickeys all over Ryujin’s neck along with bruises, she started to thrust in and out, almost fully pulling out to thrust back into full length.

“F-Fuck…” Ryujin breathed out, as she clenched down on her fingers. “You still have feelings for me, don’t you?” she asked softly, looking up at her. Yeji’s movements didn’t seem to slow down, making it hard for Ryujin to answer properly. “N-No, I don’t… Don’t have feelings for… you.” she said, receiving a mischievous smile in response. “Lying? I said you to be a good girl. Don’t underestimate me, I know you have been checking my socials.”

Yeji speed up her pumps in and out, receiving a loud moan in response, her thumb swipes over her clit, making Ryujin squirm from her touch. “Okay, yes, maybe I still do have feelings for you, fuck!” these words made Yeji feel so happy, making her smiling widely. Even though, she have been craving for these words since their split up for 3 years. “I love you too, darling. Cum, cum for me, babe.” Ryujin came with loud moan and Yeji letting her to ride out her orgasm, looking at her.

Breathing deeply, Ryujin closed her eyes. Yeji placed soft kisses all over her face, helping her get up from the counter. She had to cover her bruises and hickeys from others eyes, leaving bathroom, holding Ryujin’s hand in hers. Finally, after three years of waiting for her come back, she’s finally with her, forever.

#itzy smut #itzy yeji #itzy hard hours #itzy imagines #itzy ryujin #itzy hard thoughts #ryujin x yeji #yeji smut #ryujin smut #kpop smut #yeji x ryujin

[orchidsangel]

ro i just need to tell you that i love your writing so much i literally explode everytime you post and i’m in love with you i think ! The way u write jason is literally how i want my dream man! I don’t even want men! he’s so scrumdiddlyumptious and i am so glad that i found yr writing Tbh

thank u for being The Jason Todd writer ever and i can’t wait to see what else u have in store :33!!!!

(also i think i have to hear what went down between mattel and mga that caused the downfall of bratz now!! ur making me curious with that one thing on ur sideblog ⁉️)

i really don't know what i've done to get so many kind messages from all these people, it kinda feels a little surreal like woah...u like me? i am in love with YOU for sending me this sweet n kind message like, should we get married now?

i am a man hater till the day i die, but i unfortunately am attracted to them :( too bad they fucking suck. ughhhh i've written him as my dream man too (accidentally set the bar too high for myself so fml) and i'm soooooooooo glad you find joy in my writing, it means the world to me, and i hope you continue to find joy in it <33

as for MATTEL v MGA...

(this is a really shit summary and all from memory so i could be wrong about some things but this is the general gist of what happened and i'll try to find a good article or video with much more accurate info)

basically in may of 2001, MGA entertainment released the original/main 4 bratz dolls, a group of four girls consisting of cloe, jade, yasmin, and sasha. bratz, similarly to barbie, was advertised towards young girls, but the biggest differences between the two doll lines were the diversity & the fashions. where barbie was typically shown with a pale complexion, blonde hair, and blue eyes; each original bratz girl was a different race. cloe was white, jade was asian, sasha was black, and yasmin was a bown hispanic. aside from the diversity of these four girlies, they were also dressed to the NINES !! head to toe in fashions that were unique and trendy for the time period, and to this day they absolutely devour like they're on moodboards for every fashion girlie and it's literally been 20+ years, like talk about longevity.

anyway, i'll skip most of the mumbo jumbo about their releases (even though i could literally give a list of my fave bratz lines of that era), but they became BIG, releasing literally hundreds of dolls and continuously expanding the ever-rotating list of side characters to go along on the core four adventures. some of the more notable releases are the ever iconic rock angelz dolls (my literal 4lyfers), pretty n punk (which came from that same movie), tokyo a go go, slumber party and nighty nite, etc., and aside from those dolls, they had movies, merch, electronics, albums, food, cosmetics, etc. like they were MASSIVE despite so much controversy surrounding them. sooooo massive that they surpassed barbie, and one thing mattel doesn't play about is fucking BARBIE (literally nerfed monster high bc they were gaining too much popularity, and that was THEIR brand).

here's where it all goes to shit. so naturally, when faced with a fierce competitor, mattel filed a lawsuit after discovering that carter bryant was involved in the creation of bratz. who is carter bryant? well, not only the creator of bratz but a FORMER MATTEL EMPLOYEE !!! and that's why shit hit the fan; mattels lawsuit was basically over the rights to bratz. their argument was that because bryant was employed under mattel at the time of his big idea, that bratz was technically mattels property. this legal battle lasts like literal ages, and there were a lot of layers to it that i can't really understand because legal jargon hurts my brain, but there's a book that goes into great detail called 'you don't own me' i believe. mattel won the lawsuit in 2008, and ownership of the bratz brand was to be handed over to them, but at some point between 2008 and 2010, mga took their case to the court of appeals and won, meaning they regained ownership. during all of that time bratz fashions had become less stylish, releases weren't as often, the hair was shit (but that was also cuz of mattel bc those fuckers play dirty), and overall the brand just wasn't the same. imo, the best way to see the decline in quality is to go to the lookin bratz site and see how different post-2009 releases were (and even then, some of those were...like cowgirlz was, imo, the last really good bratz line, but one could argue it was dance crewz)

they continued producing dolls through 2014, even creating their own version of monster high called bratzillaz (i should also mention that myscene was mattels version of bratz). then, in 2015, they completely rebooted the franchise with a new line titled 'hello my name is'. this line featured the original 4 girls plus a new girl named raya. and that whole...that entire thing was BAD to me, but some people like it.

anyway, there was never like a "real" downfall, but they had some pretty bad years lmao. they're back tho so we up!!!! i have a collection of fashion dolls, monster high, bratz, rainbow high, and hopefully barbies soon. literally my favorite collection (i have a lot)

#☆ messages from friends ☆

[snickerdoodlles]

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

(prev) hmm, maybe Hair-Trigger? like, it got a good response, i'm very grateful to everyone who's read it ❤❤❤ i don't mean in a 'im looking for more hits' sort of way, i just really love Porsche & Kim as a duo and spin them around in my head like a shiny rock all the time. this mostly manifests in me spamming tortoise with Kim & Porsche snippets and thoughts that never seem to flesh out into proper fics, so Hair-Trigger has a special spot in my heart because it's my one finished Porsche & Kim fic and I want everyone to look at Porsche being extremely fond of Kim and Kim feeling all sorts of things about how fond Porsche seems to be of him (surely???? this is a trick????? he is so nice and smiley????????? a mystery)

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

i like them all!! i genuinely enjoy all "types" of comments for different reasons, it feels weird to rank them against each other. so long as the comment is excited to engage with me/gush over idiot nerds together, i'm excited to answer and chat with them (although, i am. very behind on my inbox rn. hjghjg im sorry friends, i promise i will respond even tho it might be v late 😂💦)

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

I've actually been rewriting a *checks date* 5.5 yr old yoi WIP (*winces*) for a while now. very slow as my attention gets drawn away, but i love epistolary fic and there's a funny satisfaction without pressure to re-writing it.

but the story rewrite that actually has been sitting on my head for...forever really, is my ft story Jinxed. i was very new to fandom/writing fic when i first posted it, and at the time i'd just posted what i wrote and then went "...wait, how the fuck do you write a multi-chapter story???" and i really psyched myself out of posting more for it.

however, it's always like...sat in the back of my head, even after the fandom bullshit and when ft went to shit. because i just...don't like soulmate/soulmark AUs. 😅 the reasons behind my dislike for the trope are uh...kinda long and extensive actually, so i'll save that for a different post if anyone cares enough to ask, but the premise in this story of two girls with mismatched timers who fall in love and choose each other anyways is one i'm extremely drawn to. and i'm still like, figuring out how to write long stories, and i'm never going to write again for ft, so whenever i look over the old story drafts and notes, i'm actually thinking about it as an original story. not one i've started and maybe i'll stumble into a fandom that i want to apply this premise to, but...after i figure out long-form stories, i really want to swing by this one again, if simply to have it stop haunting my brain every few months.

(rest under the cut because i am rambly lol)

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

hmm Silver for Truth is the obvious one since i whined about it taking a yr+ to write, but i think everyone understands when i say Tawan is an annoying ass bitch to write.

i'm actually going to cheat and say the freezer!Kim WIP i'm writing with @majestictortoise. there's a few different POVs in this story and one of them is Porsche's POV, and there is something about Porsche's POV specifically that i find very hard to capture. even when i know what i want from his arc and character struggles, post-canon Porsche carries around some conflicting beliefs and mindsets that i find really tricky to write, plus he's also a guy of action who's been forced to a standstill and i want to capture that trapped feeling without making it obnoxious. he's just tricky to me in a way that other characters aren't. (i actually ran into this issue with Hair-Trigger too, except it wasn't so hard because that's a fic about him Doing A Thing He Wants To Do, which is why i was able to write it within the timeframe i did. oh Porsche, ilu, why do u stick in my head so. orz)

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

everything? idk, my reaction after i post a fic is to either Stare At My Inbox or desperately try to distract myself from the fact that i Posted A Fic, which really go to show how secure i feel about my writing 😂 i try very hard not to let a fic's reception get to me when i post because i've been down that road and it's really bad for me. all fic i post is fic for me, but i haven't hit the carefree attitude of "idc what you think, its for me first and foremost" yet.

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

there's nothing that makes me want to give up on writing specifically. i wail and cry when stuff isn't flowing right, but like. so i had an irl thing run me over like a truck april/may of this year and it's bullshit kept spilling out through june and july too, so i had like no time or energy to write or even spend much time on fandom stuff for four months, and i went absolutely bananas. i need to do something creative to feel good, and writing is my favorite of those.

posting...posting is a different story 😂 weirdly if im chasing the high of posting a fic/the high of comments on fic, i dont like to post as much. the hill in my head is too much to get around, so that ig.

🌿how does creating make you feel?

*points up*

also prev

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

...this is such a weird question lmao (not u, the person who made the question list should have deleted this). i've always found writing as a good way of examining my internal biases and preconceptions i might not have otherwise had opportunity to find and reflect upon so clearly, and i'm going to leave it at that.

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

fuck if i know what my writing style is 😂

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

*curls up in more shy* hmm, i really like reading my own stories. like, i always have cyclic periods of "oh god this is garbage what the fuck was i thinking" feelings for each of my fics, but i know now that feeling is brief and it'll be gone soon enough and it will stay gone longer than it comes. the person who reads my stories the most is me, and the fact that i want to go back to read them again is really important to me.

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

i don't think i linger so much on the actual posting of the fic, but i return to my fics a lot and i've also started paying more attention to how much i post. i'm trying to find a balance between acknowledging that i posted stories vs "oh god, im not posting ENOUGH," but back at the turn of this year, i was really bummed that i didn't get as much posted during december as i had set out to do, specifically because i felt like 2021 had been a really strong year and i'd let myself down not finishing as many fics in 2022. then i actually checked my AO3 stats for 2021 to 2022, and realized i'd posted 4x as much in 2022 than i had in 2021. over 100k words altogether even!

i think i'm getting off topic, but between rereading my own stuff pretty frequently and trying to get a better grasp on how much i've actually posted vs what's in my head, i think i celebrate pretty often? idk 😂

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

characters!!! everything's built around the characters. i love worldbuilding, making up worlds is a lot of fun, but i worldbuild through the lens of "what am i interested in?" (which starts with characters) and "how does this affect x?" (because if it doesn't matter to/affect the character, it shouldn't be a priority to me). similarly, plots exist for me to put Specific Guys Into Situations. a plot can be objectively interesting, but i'm not going to stick to it if i don't care about the people going thru it, my brain just doesn't focus like that.

the actual writing of the story is lowest priority on my list. there's a lot of writing types i don't like, but i can muscle thru a lot in the name of a good cast or plot. similarly, i don't give a flying fuck how pretty or polished a writer thinks their sentences are, if the actual story is boring or OOC, i am not reading it. or i am reading it and bitching extensively in friends DMs, which is worse. 😂

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

honestly, hard for me to answer because i'm actively trying not to think about what sort of response i do get. i guess one that still amuses me quite a bit is the response to my fic Shining Dishonesty (howls moving castle AU for haikyuu!!). i love this story to bits and i really love the comments i have on it, but it's weird/funny to me because it's my most recommended and mentioned fic on twitter, but it's one of my lowest in terms of kudos & comments. idk what's up with that 😂

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

*big shrug emoji* nothing that comes to mind???

maybe Silver for Truth, just a little bit???? everyone got the message of "get fucked Tawan" but there was also a little more pity for Tawan than i'd expected. like, not really, because Tawan's annoying, but i don't know that everyone quite caught Khun's trap for Tawan in it. Tawan could've completely turned things around for Vegas and ruined Kinn's lie by confessing his own failures/betrayals and accepting the consequences, except Tawan puts himself before all others, even someone he claims to love.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

honestly? i don't remember the specific writing issues once something is done. even for something that takes me a while to write. usually my writing hang-ups are related to irl stressors. Pitch It was an extremely hard fic for me to write, but that was because it had a deadline attached to it while i was also trying to come up with money for a new car after my previous one was totaled 😂 and while i approach all stories with a vague plot in mind, it's purposefully vague so i can adapt to where's best for the story to go. that's the part i look forward to the most when writing lol.

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

lol i don't even have to sort my stories to know which one is my least number of hits/kudos. it's by dawn's early light, which i wrote for the bnha myths zine, and it is literally one of my favorite fics i've ever written. there's some stuff i would've done differently now, but i liked it when i finished it, i liked even thru that fucking project's mess, and i liked it enough to post it after the project was finished, and that is probably the highest praises i can give that particular fic.

(this response probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't participated in a zine before and i'm not going to burden you with context if you haven't, but like. trust me. that's saying a lot 😂)

🍭why did you start writing?

to make a dick joke. i haven't changed.

💎why is writing important to you?

it's just fun. i really like doing it and i really like connecting with people over it/through it.

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

i re-read the story about a bajillion times in that first week. you'd think i'd be sick of it by the time it's posted, but the satisfaction of having finished something changes the way i read it and i just bask in that.

📡why is writing and sharing your writing important for fandom?

another terrible question in this otherwise nice questions list.

i like it, so i do it, and i'm lucky enough to have made friends through it.

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

i'm excited if anyone wants to make a podfic of my work and i give general permission for it, but it's not something i seek out specifically. i have very bad ears, it just doesn't really cross my mind.

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

*points up however many questions ago* it's very fulfilling for me and i like it a lot. i'm lucky enough to have also made connections to others by way of writing, but first and foremost is i enjoy the actual act of it.

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

maybe? idk, i leave comments because i like to leave comments. i like hearing back, but its not like im leaving a comment looking for that. wrong mindset for this question, u know?

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

*sighs* this fucking questionnaire maker lmao.

responding to fics is fun for everyone. it's a great way to make new friends if that's the fandom experience you're hoping for (same goes for responding to edits, art, etc). if you're anxious to start talking to people or leaving comments or whatever, take the babysteps you need to try to push and expand your comfort zone. and be gentle on yourself -- there's no "right" way to interact with fandom, and you don't have to be perfect at what you want to do right away either.

but if that's not the way you want to interact with fandom, you don't have to. there's nothing wrong with "lurking" and frankly i care about my stuff being enjoyed (even if i never hear about it!), not the ~proper~ way to be in fandom or whatever. furthermore, my healthy fandom experience is regulating and maintaining my own reactions to the reception (or lack of) i get when i post so that it stays fulfilling for me, and that's how i create my healthy fandom experience.

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

mostly i look inwards to see what exactly im dissatisfied with and examine why. there's plenty of stuff that i wish had a bigger reception, but i focus on things that i can control (what im happy with in a story, what i enjoyed about the process, talking about it more in my own blog space so people can choose to engage or ignore, etc) and push myself to that framework of mind. the worst thing you can do is focus on things you can't control, especially something as random and fickle as other people's reactions or a post/story hitting the trend wave just right.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

timeloop AU!! (prev)

timeloop AU will be 3 chapters + an epilogue. first chapter is Kim POV, the second one is Big POV, and third is Chay POV. Kim is the first one trapped in the timeloop. Big joins him later. Chay never does.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

in my fic Single Star Review, Khun goes to university and then starts seeking extra therapy help. i am Extremely excited for this one, but one of my favorite-favorite parts of it is Khun dismissively says "it's not like i can call Kim and gossip about boys" and Flop (the therapist, no that's not actually his name) asks Khun "why not" and Khun stares through a wall for a solid three minutes realizing hey, he CAN call Kim to talk about boys actually.

-later that night-

Khun: Kim! Kimmy-Kim my littlest kin! forget your other plans, tonight we are painting our nails and gossiping about BOYS

Kim: what the fuck

Khun: my therapist thinks i should try talking to you about stuff

Kim: THERAPIST?!

Khun: THAT'S NOT THE IMPORTANT PART HOW DO I HANDLE HAVING A CRUSH

(Kim is, ofc, over the moon and extremely excited when his brain catches up with his ears, even though he's a total little brother about it.)

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Red Line fic is the first installment of a 4-fic series (tortoise is laughing at me for thinking it'd stop with 1). mostly because it immediately dived into one of my favorite variations for how Chay kills Korn.

Korn's death is not a fix-it.

#idk if u meant for me to answer ALL but i had to >:) #<333333

[hellativity]

lol i have been chronically online and wanna rant about some stupid shit i have seen. i will probably say something problematic in here <3 dont worry about it

do you ever see people making up discourse about different ways to be queer and like. maybe they are right idk. but also please log off and hang out with some queer people irl and maybe we actually dont need to play "who has it worse" "who can talk about these issues" identity politics with every different possible combo of pronouns/gender presentation/gender identity.

ok up next i keep getting "modest girl" instagram reels and it's so funny bc most of them are just. normal girls in cute outfits that i would probably wear too. but they are making such a big deal about their Modesty Journey pls chill

the amount of tradwife content i get...... not good. not good at all. and like i love homemakers! that's what my mom did for most of my life! but instagram influencer homemakers??? not it. they have always got some shit to say about their husbands not wanting them to have a job or they don't need a college education or God wanted me to get married at 18. you're allowed to do these things if you want idc but the more this stuff is normalized (ie 60 yrs ago or whatever. also less than 60 years ago.) the more women get trapped in abusive relationships because they don't have a savings account or a path to independence. your individual choices are not setting back feminism but you #tradwife content totally is

last night i got this video about a girl snacking on butter and i was like. wow i hate that. so i looked at her account and she only eats meat?? like? "I don't eat plants" what the fuck., anyway. then instagram showed me lots of other types of disordered eating influencers. yikes!

oh idk i also dont like "girl math" or the word "girlypop" or whatever. it almost feels like we finally made it from "im not like other girls" to "sometimes i am like other girls which rocks bc i love girls" and then took it too far to some kind of weird "i am stupid i am a woman divine feminine" situation? idk i see people posting about this, i'll reblog if i see someone phrase this in a way that makes sense

oh my god and the comments sections???? SO many people have GOT to learn to just scroll past. like if you see a teenager being awkward or "cringe" or wearing a bad outfit. can you just leave them alone? like just keep scrolling. people are so mean? and for what? so other people will like their mean comments. i hate it so much.

man i am just. scrolling and i hate it. and i know the algorithm is showing me things i hate even more bc i look at them. awful.

#long post #may self destruct idk #i have gotta get off reels

[freebooter4ever]

how did you get into art? or is it just something youve always done? youre so good and it makes me want to try drawing again (even tho i am not good (which im not mad at, we all have our strengths!))

Thank you!!! I dont think im any good either, i look at my old art and i cringe and then i wonder how much i will hate my current art one day. I think, finally, in my *thirties* im starting to accept that this feeling will never go away and i cant let it shame me out of drawing. (also pls dont let my feelings about it stop anyone from reblogging or liking my old art on here! I really enjoy that as painful as it is. Someone liked one of my steve aoki sketches from like 2018 the other day and i got sO EXCTIted like omg that drawing is terrible but also someone liked my steve aoki art! (a rarity)). If you look through my wip tag: freebooter4ever.tumblr.com/tagged/wip there should be lots of process stuff and then one post where i talk about the old art i have on here. Im determined to keep everything up no matter how much i hate it bc i know how much it means to me to see more experienced artists' old works. It made the leap from scribbles to 'oh that actually looks like what i was trying for' seem less impossible.

Anyway if you want to see the OLDEST art on here go into the archive and my very first post is a sketch of batman :P

My dad -bless his soul- has only ever kept one drawing of mine: a drawing contest entry from when i was like 4 yrs old. It was of Putt-Putt (from Putt Putt's Parade) and i won, lol. This was back when art was 'aw so cute' and not 'you're fucking ruining your engineering career'. My dad also kept putting me in art classes so he really only has himself to blame for how things turned out. for art internet stuff? I was really REALLY into neop*ets - I idolized artists like Quest, Sithel, IndigoKitten, all those old comics artists in The Aisha Pack. I was also obsessed with the Legend of Zelda drawing style - it was kind of a combo of d*sney and anime - big eyes and crazy flowing hair but with that 3D illusion of life. Aaaaand then there was Arc*hie Comics. I did more fanart of those characters than anything else back then. And lastly D*sney of course. I desperately wanted to be walt for years until i grew up enough to realize that one man didnt draw an entire 2hr full length feature. I was crushed by this revelation, naturally.

And I know most artists are like ‘yeah i was a horse girl when i was in middle school’. But that wasn't me. I was obsessed with fir trees instead. just constant drawings of fir trees. I was really proud when i leveled up and learned how to draw fir trees in SNOW, this was the highlight of my middle school drawing career. I dunno, i was a weird kid. Growing up in the pacific northwest it was either fir trees or salmon i guess.

#Journal shit

[wanderrlust0]

sudden rant turned spiral lol oops

my friend got tickets to see hozier aka andrew their wife and basically got them for us since i said id be down to go. personally im not like a fan where id go see him but id say im a casual listener. like i knew a good amount of songs. i loveee cherry wine and others. now that we have this concert coming up on june 7, ive become a listener. i gotta prepare and all that yknow. cant go to andrew unprepared. also..idk how?! but i was not aware of his thick irish accent.. loll and i mean, even in his new album, he sings with a clear accent?? idk how i never noticed before honestly. so yeah, im curious to know what a hozier concert will be liikeeee. this will be my second concert this yr and they both involve me going bc a friend asked me to go for company lol. i am going to another in august w my bf to see porter robinson and thats actually one i will really enjoy!! itll also be our first like “edm” dance music type concert so itll be so cool. its at the same stadium that hozier will be at as welllll..but you see, what im procrastinating is telling my bf im going w my friend. my friend who hes not a fan of. the one who he thinks is a Threat! D: ive been knowing for likee 2 weeksish and havent said a single word about it agdjfkfl but i am calling it now.. i. will. tell. him. tomorrow. period. no ifs ands or buts. i need to stop worrying and just rip the bandaid off. once i do tho, im still gonna feel anxious bc literally The NEXt WEEk we will most likely go to my (ex)coworkers second party. (the one who threw a halloween party and i didnt know if wed go but we were already hanging out that day so i mentioned it prior and we ended up having enough time and the girls house was very close to me so we ended up dropping by and i told elias right then and there so it was very last minute and kind of fucked up of me but ive developed an avoidance thing towards him if it has to do with snow bc of everything and thats why now i cant help myself from feeling nervous to ever bring them up around him bc im scared he’ll revert back and not love me and start resenting me and leave me and be mean to me and make me feel lonely and accuse me of things and say its my fault i started the friendship in the first place and that im not committed to him and dont love him anymore and everything else under the sun bc hes got trust issues which is a pain and he’ll go from loving me so hard to not in a quick minute if he starts thinking the worst possibilities and i just cant handle all of that and tbh its nothing new so ive grown to understand the process and that itll pass but it really does suckk and it can turn into a turn off and then he becomes emotionally unavailable and then i become emotionally annoyed and then its a constant reoccurring cycle that doesnt always look the same but they follow the same theme which is trust and every time it happens i want to shout at his ex for causing him to develop this issue and this is me spiraling right now bc im nervous and to be crystal clear its not bc im doing anything shady at all or anything with this friend but i just wanna feel the freedom to just casually hang out with them without it feeling so taboo or whatever bc we still have so many plans that wed like to do and idk if he will ever be okay with me going to their house and idk when he’ll ever get better where he wont care how many times we hang out or how often we talk and i just want him to chill about them bc theyre not a bad person at all theyre not this homewrecker girlfriend stealer he makes it out to beeee were literally just existinggg were literally just two friends who enjoy each others company and existence and have become very open and genuine with fairly quickly and we somehow just connected and i truly do love them as a friend and im happy weve crossed paths and stayed in touch and its just something he cant and wont fully understand about us but hes been trying to at least a little but is mainly just dealing with it bc he knows he cant stop me and im not gonna stop my friendship bc hes telling me to so,

…continued…

#mypost #journal

[holdmeclosely]

I hate u and all the things u did. You reached out to your ex and told her you regretted ever getting with me. You went to a rave with a classmate of urs that hit on you and paid for ur ticket. You went to the movies with my ex best friend who talked bad about me to you. You went to see the lights with a bunch of girls from your class the weekend after I told you I wanted to go see them. You always broke up with me when Halloween was coming around so you could go to the parties, yet didn’t like me going to the club. You stood me up for my bday when I planned an sf trip for us, and the next yr you completely forgot about my birthday. When I asked you about my birthday, you gaslit me and said “we were over, you told me we shouldn’t communicate” despite us sleeping together the night before. You never posted me on social media but would post your friends despite you saying, “I don’t post you because I don’t post to begin with.” I hate that you stopped coming to my place after experiencing the traffic that i have to endure every day. i hate that i ended up going to your place all the tome, sacrificing for you. what the fuck did you do for me? I hate how you’d break up with me so often. I hate how you’d tell me that you’d make things official, ask me to be your girlfriend, but you never fucking did. I hate how’d you manipulate me into thinking you’re a good guy. You’d tell me about your childhood, because it was hard, and I would fall for it. You knew you could play on my kindness. You told me you weren’t ready to go on family vacations with me after 2 years of us dating. Right now, I really hate you. I am enraged. I am enraged for myself because I allowed someone to treat me this poorly. I will never allow someone like you in my life again. Thank you for teaching me the things I don’t want. And thank you for showing me the areas of myself I need to work on in order to be stronger and better. I will become a woman that when my daughters see me, they see a woman who knows her worth and will never succumb to an insecure man. A woman never needs a man.

#first love #heartbreak #anger #fuck you #thank you for everything

[gurugirl]

To the anon who sent the ask about finding out her fling/man has a gf… girl, I’ve been in your position several times and I know how hard it can be! It’s awful & conflicting especially when you have a good connection to the person. I will be straight up & admit that one time I decided not to care so I can’t judge at all! I had just turned 19, had just been broken up with over text by the guy I was dating for 3 yrs because he said he had been cheating on me for basically the last year of our relationship, shortly after his friends told me it had been for longer than that. So I was hurt & angry at everyone & decided I didn’t care and I just gave in to one of my coworker/friend’s advances. And I had so much fun & no remorse at the time for what I was doing after a while. We did this for about 4 almost 5 years. He & the girl got married shortly after I told him I couldn’t do it anymore & he still called me drunk on his wedding day (we hadn’t spoke in a year by then) saying that he needed to know how much he cared about me for him to be calling me on his wedding day. That fucked me up because I thought maybe I should’ve fought harder for him? But thankfully, I blocked him, let it go, & him too. I am now 28 & just barely healed from that relationship. I finally talked about it in therapy I was too embarrassed to admit it before but it was like a burden had been lifted. After that I told a mutual friend & she was so loving and supportive, & non judgmental about it. It helped me stay strong & prompted me to work on forgiving myself.

Anyway…Obviously, I deeply regret it all & wish I hadn’t done it but not because of him or her. I wish I had not done it for me & all the damage I caused myself. The thing that was hardest to recover was my self love & my respect for myself. I loathed myself for allowing myself to do that & hurt someone else the way I had been hurt. Even if they had a happy ending, I just couldn’t forgive myself for a few years & finally did this year. Like you, I had those icky feelings at first but I ignored them and they stopped happening so fast. It’s a slippery slope! So my only advice for you, after going through all that is to choose yourself. Don’t think about him, or his gf, think about yourself and how this will impact you. Think about how you deserve someone’s whole love. Not just pieces of spare time. I know it’s scary & hard to put your foot down, but you will save yourself a lot of heart ache & shame down the line. You deserve all the love & care in world! So please be gentle & kind to yourself for the one slip up, we all make mistakes! The important thing is to learn from them. Wishing you all the best 🩷🩷

I love this advice! Thank you for sharing your story about this situation. It really puts things into perspective. It’s not a simple as just saying stop doing it because you know it’s wrong already. It’s more about - think of how this will make you perceive yourself later on. Doing what’s right for yourself and staying true to your own moral code is going to be more important in the end.

I’m sorry you went through all that. Matters of the heart are so so tricky. It would be nice if things were black and white but emotions are rarely nice enough to put into a tidy box and say that a, b, & c are going to happen if you do this or that. It just doesn’t work that way unfortunately.

Xoxo

#ask

[disastroboy]

ok idea for the s3 1941 flashback, involves a rejected kiss and also some zombie shit w/ furfur

crowley and aziraphale do a lil slow dancing, post the ‘shades of grey’ convo (idea from this gorgey art). aziraphale gets a lil starry eyed and leans in to initiate a kiss, but gets swerved by crowley.. like in the way where he turns and makes aziraphale kiss his cheek instead

and they're both mortified just standing there holding each other as the music plays on.. and it's like.. if aziraphale was chill he could 100% recover from this (a little bit of a bummer that he got swerved, but crowley's still holding his hand and the small of his back so clearly he's not too pissed...meanwhile, crowley's literally standing there psyching himself up to turn back and kiss him again properly..the biggest reason he avoided the kiss in the first place was shock..so he's working on building up his nerve)

but aziraphale isn't chill, unfortunately. and he rly did not expect to get rejected so he's just burning with white hot shame and panic and after a couple awkward moments he hits crowley with the classic 'forgive me'

but he says it just a little too quiet. and shame-filled. and reverent. and after a moment it kind of dawns on them both that he's like.. not reeeally asking crowley to forgive him for the kiss but moreso ,,,asking forgiveness from the lord god for kissing a demon..or even wanting to kiss him.. which ofc fully fully kills the mood

but oops! furfur came back to the bookshop that night to spy on/threaten them bcos they fucked up his promotion and made him look stupid and what does he see? aziraphale kissing crowley's cheek on purpose. and he's like oh yea no y'all are GAY gay, kissing on each other and shit (something something about how by kissing crowley’s cheek, aziraphale unintentionally exposes him to the enemy, judas-style) so he waits outside for crowley to leave cus he knows he's not getting in the door and he's not about to NOT try blackmailing these assholes again

MEANWHILE crowley is still standing there holding aziraphale, and crowleys brain is chugging along like 'wowwww ..sooo first he tries to kiss me, which is awesome...but then he immediately feels all dirty about trying it in the first place and literally asks god to forgive him??? which proves i was right to swerve him to begin with. because if i would have let him kiss me, he'd have just tortured himself about how he's so bad and wrong for doing it, and he'd overcompensate by ignoring me for a few years and refusing to call me his friend again.. all that trust talk, insisting on helping me with my bootlegging business, getting CAUGHT helping me with my bootlegging business, not to mention the hundreds of years of 'sinful' shit he's done for the arrangement...he's ok w/ 'shades of light gray' because he wants to shoot guns and eat cake and drink wine, but kissing me is where he draws the line..like he rly is deep down disgusted with me, huh. like SPECIFICALLY PHSYICALLy.. nice nice, love it, no that’s fair, i am a disgusting horrible demon so it makes sense and is cool. aight peace!'

and his reasoning would fall apart under scrutiny, but he doesnt say anything - just steps away and grabs his hat and coat and leaves (cos duh he just does that in situations like this). and aziraphale, obviously feeling horrible, kind of just lets it happen cos he thinks he fucked up (even tho he doesn't really fully understand how) and he just feels guilty for like 30 years about simultaneously rejecting and getting rejected by crowley.

anyway, crowley leaves the bookshop, trying not to cry lmao, hops in the bentley and drives off but then there's furfur in the passenger seat like 'hey girl hi...so u cost me my promotion, aaaand i saw the angel kiss you.' crowleys like 'do u have any proof? no. r u still pathetic? yes. and im STILL not dealing with this' and furfurs like 'oh what, did he reject u and u got yr lil feely weelys hurt' and crowley's like not dignifying that with a response, but technically? crowley rejected him. so..

[MAYBE THERE COULD BE A FUN FINAL ZOMBIE CAPER IN THE MIDDLE HERE where crowley and furfur need to dispatch the zombies for some reason and furfur has to like..trust crowley in a way that's so rare for demons to be able to experience in hell. and when furfur experiences that kind of trust (what feels like friendship) ofc he wants more, because being in competition all the time sucks so hard and he's soooo bad at it.. in this fake s3, there will be a pattern of more demons and angels coming to crowley & aziraphale’s ‘side’ against heaven and hell, and a flashback to furfur experiencing some fun friendly times with crowley could be fun backstory for his eventual rebellion against hell.

anyway, furfur gets a little tender hearted for crowley because i think he really does look up to him and thinks he's cool and doesnt understand why his friend just stopped giving a shit about him...why he keeps pretending not to know him... but anyway they kill the zombies successfully and crowley gets in the car to drive away but now furfurs following him around puppy dog style]

furfurs in the passenger seat [a bit of an az parallel for a sec] like 'hey, thanks for helping me out. maybe i can help you out, re: the whole angel thing. breakups are hard. i dont really understand why you'd wanna be with some stinky angel anyway. but hey! maybe there's a bright side! we could work together, like the old times. we're still a pretty good team (re: zombies). we should go report him to heaven, i think shax has a contact up there.. if we got an angel to fall it wouldn't just be a commendation, it would be duke of hell level shit...for both of us'

and ofc crowley (who had kind of forgotten abt aziraphale for a second in all the zombie hijinks) snaps and goes all terrifying demon on him, like 'if u even mention his name again, i'll literally kill you. i hate heaven and every angel in the place, but i wouldn't subject this fate to my worst enemy. now get out of my sight u horrible, disgusting, miserable waste of space' (projecting much, crowley?) which makes furfur do the demon equivalent of peeing in his pants, like legitimately thinking he might get killed rn, and he's looking at crowley with the fear of satan in his eyes..which just affirms crowley's self-hatred/self-fulfilling prophecy about how horrible he is. so crowley just shoves him out of the door and into the street and drives away

furfur sits in the road and realizes like oh ok 1. this dude is really really scary strong, 2. this dude i think would legitimately kill me if i tried to fuck with him or the angel, and 3./worst of all, he either really actually doesn't remember me or (and this 1 would hurt him most) crowley remembers it all but genuinely doesn't care about furfur or any demon anymore - that since they fell, they’re truly irredeemably evil but not evil in the cool/good way, evil in the useless pathetic waste of space way. he walks away from the whole experience believing crowley would be fine if he and everyone like him was literally dead. unlike this night had him believing, there is no ‘good’ in the world, no 'friendship', not for a demon, and now he’s going to hold this grudge forever and hold up crowley as like… his personal villain/poster child of what happens when u stray from hell.

and then yknow, in the current-moment part of the episode, furfur has to make a choice to either trust or fuck someone over (maybe literally crowley again) and he can have a lil redemption moment. idk im just having fun

#mini fic #fic idea #good omens fanfiction

[suiciderape]

u dont even like him hes being nasty! well thats my daughter and i love her! so lets get started on why shes the best daughter in the world no! ok so lets get started on why shes the best cunt in the world shes her best friends pussy destective she gets raped by her best friends bfs friends for no fucking reason! shes like hella much insane on suicide rape its hella much murdery and awkward to have the russian mafia in ur house bc they are cool as shit! whats her name? veronica why? she likes me and she doesnt know why? whats wrong with her? she likes my bf! whats that about? shes into my friend? who? her bfs daughter is she blonde? yes! ok so whats up with veronica? shes into my friend hes hella coolA but hes my best friend too! um whose he? shes my daughter? veronicaas daughter? um who is this? paranoid whose that? me yoon daamn! who is this? desarae renee hollins ohA whats going on? the whole world is confusing and i need help writing eboy manga rome my manga about kpop idols thats it? yes! :) and aniyah and the world are trying to put me into mental wards um kamakazi style i want to meet no limit soliders yoon he said hes my daddy? and i heard it in jock hell nation oouut um im scared bc i can write and i want to meet him he might sue me for this shit its all true and i am attractive so pls help me meet him pls im a huge fan of yoon keeho plus i dont want to go to the mental ward i like writing and im im the romeo! romeo! romeo! universe its hella jock hell natiom tight pls help a bitch ouut aleiah and desarae oout ok so suicide rape is when um me a little girl is intelligent and kind ewA but everyon ew! wants to kill her and shes asian but looks black bc her family is filipino and egyptian but they adopted her soo her father keeho lets her live ew! with them and shes stuck between high school and 2011s jock hell nation oouuut shes gonna keep writing dude shes a writer and shes been trying nvm! ok were gonna help u! thank u :) ok! who are they? those ppl shes writinf as a 28 yr old woman who was bullied in 2011 on tumblr as totaltrasg for no reason and romeomtd9 is stuck btwn chak lord universe and romeo romeo wherefore art thou romeo jock hell nation tight! universe so pls help us understand why shes stuck here and cant ew! nvm! dont talk about anything yet! nvm get her out of here get s life! whose veronica? she wants t know eho nevet ever nevrt never never tell her anything whh? no@ no! shes jock hell nation tight like in the russian mafia tight dudee dont kill me ! pls she right its weird im poe rich still! and keeho yoon is her daddy thats it! oh nvm! get awawy from her thank u! no getting away from her never! ewww shes gay hahah fuck tard what language is this english latin bitch ass nigga its weird dude heeeell me! help me is he gonna kill me? nvm! ok? no ohmgd! what a waste of time! hahahaha what the fuck bitch? suck a fuck bitch that is it i dont wanna die alone without keeho hes my daddy he told me fr hell nah i did kill jesse vidal jr. tho in tha streets well do it@ nah ah go to bed ok end it end it end it russian mafia sucks ass!! byee

#russian mafia never never #it rocks

[throwingupmyemotions]

guilt lolll

i only cringe when i try to sound serious so i have this urge to write lol after everything but i also don't want to do that at all. but so basically ughh i don't even feel like using periods anymore

so im not going to

from now on im not using punctuation

ill just make a new paragraph for every thought

no ok this is getting annoying too

ok ill stop but pls know that im so unserious rn and every period i write is written with the highest level of whimsy possible. LOLOLOL ive never said whimsy before idek if i used it right but i couldn't think of the word that i was thinking of. omg this is so fun im actually writing everything that im thinking of!! i tried doing this in my old diary but i couldn't write fast enough to keep up, luckily im a much faster typer ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OMG lemme start talking about the whole reason i started this. so basically this is just an intro for something else but i think about it a lot

so like i recently had a sort of awakening? kind of? like it was rlly just me growing up and realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me. but like in the best way possible bc i thought everyone's lives around me were perfect and i was the only imperfect one but now i realize everyone has their own problems which ik sounds like smth i should've realized as a kid but idk ig im just rlly dumb and self involved.

so anyway, i have always felt guilt pretty heavily like as a kid i would end up confessing to my parents anytime i did anything wrong because the guilt would literally eat me alive. ooh i have a rlly funny story

i was in like 6th grade and it was that time where i started getting all horny and curious. but the thing is i was suuuper sheltered like i don't even think i knew what sex was until like highschool and so i didn't know what was going on yk. all i knew is that looking at boobs made me feel some type of way( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) HAHAHA

OK SO I WOULD LOOK UP CLEAVAGE PRANKS ON YT LIKE EVERY DAY BECAUSE BOOBS IS A BAD WORD AND I CANT JUST TYPE BOOBS

its crazy bc i felt guilty but i didnt even know why?? like im a girl so ofc im curious about what my boobs will look like one day right??? no yeah that excuse stopped working after a yr when i realized i was feeling stuff yk so i completely stopped watching them

it had been about a month since i stopped and i thought the guilt would go away but it literally got worse. so i was lying in bed, and at this point i couldn't even sleep it was so bad, my stomach was hurting and i couldn't stop crying so eventually i went and woke my parents up at 3 am and i was crying so hard that i was like gasping for air so they were both terrified

i sat them down and it took me like 10 minutes to finally speak

and i told them "ive been watching bad videos"

and they started laughing

i cant make this up

it was so embarrassing

so anyway now that you get an idea of what my guilt was like then, its definitely a lot better now but it transformed into me feeling guilty about things that i cant just fix with a confession which makes it harder

ik life is unfair and thats just how it is and we're supposed to just accept it but its soooo hard like sooo hard for me to accept

and im so fucking lucky like im rlly starting to realize how lucky i am now but omg im so grateful for everything that i have but like i don't deserve this at all yk? like i didn't do anything to deserve this life and it makes me feel so shitty like im not a good enough person to get all of this and i feel guilty so i feel like helping ppl is the only way to get rid of the guilt but that's so selfish so then i feel like an even worse person and i feel more guilty and its this crazy cycle that i just made up but idk. im obviously self aware enough to realize that me feeling like i don't deserve the life i have is a me problem. and ik ive been obsessed with the idea of being a good person like my whole life but my awareness of the obsession only makes me feel terrible. like how can i even be a good person anymore if anytime i do anything good i think its fake? and another recent worry that i have is that i have a savior complex which definitely is what this paragraph sounds like. like i feel like since i got so lucky its my "duty" to help other ppl bc it could easily be me in that situation yk.

i obviously have a weird relationship with guilt and my own self image so i wrote this story a long time ago. like a rlly rlly long time ago. this is one of the first things ive ever written for pleasure bc i used to hate writing. so like its obviously not good but it makes me feel things so i wanna put it in here

standing on the damp stone floor barefoot, you look up to see yourself in some kind of cave with an eerie glow illuminating what would be complete darkness.  you feel empty- or maybe blank would be a better word, nothing is in your mind, no memories or significant thoughts. but more than that, no emotions- even the realization that you are naked doesn’t bring panic.  trying to think what your shivering wet body is doing here, bare and alone in a dark cave, you almost don’t notice when you see a figure approaching you. the unusual lack of anxiety as you’re waiting allows you to notice it’s odd movement almost like the unknown being is floating. now it is close enough that you make eye contact, and everything comes back.

all of your memories and emotions overwhelmingly flood your brain pushing you to a crouched position on the floor.  as you cradle your head in pain, you squint up at the once unknown figure now in front of you. though you’ve never met before, you somehow instinctively know exactly who it is and what their presence means for you.  the inevitability of the situation leaves you feeling less scared than you should be and more tired from the waiting.  in fact you were exhausted, waiting practically your whole life for this, your fear easily overshadowed by your impatience.  defeatedly standing up, you take a step forward, giving your soul to the devil.

he looks at you with what impossibly seems like sympathy.  gesturing for you to present your forehead, you  squeeze your eyes shut and raise your head.  while you feel numb to most of your emotions, you can’t help but feel the shiver of terror that goes through you as you wait with your forehead bared.  after what feels like hours you finally feel a soft touch to your forehead, almost like—

your eyes snap open to find him lifting up from the kiss.  a kiss. on your forehead. he kissed your forehead. wondering if this was a trick to make the resulting torture worse, you look up at his face only to see it engulfed by sadness, tears threatening to fall out of the devil’s eyes.  you don’t understand, this isn’t what you deserve.  finally feeling an emotion, you are panicking.  you had been waiting to be punished, getting what you deserve is what should be happening it’s what needs to happen. ‘it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this’, repeating in your head.  you hysterically look up to see tears silently flowing out of the monster and belatedly realize you’re sobbing too, echoes of your panicked wailing filling the cave.  desperately trying to spark a reaction, you push the devil hoping he will retaliate but he only stands there, continuing to silently cry for you. 

*LOL GET IT my guilt was my punishment but fun fact: my parents actually did this like they almost never punished me for anything bc my guilt was enough

[magnoliamyrrh]

just in case i don’t want to talk abt this any more tw incest u could just delete this

horrific n downright wrong. i wanna say u n everyone else includin that anon did not deserve this n the collective u deserves so much more but i am so grateful seein people talk abt this. i was raised w the extreme pressure that my gen was goin to break the cycle of that type of abuse n i have to come to terms that we didn’t n that’s ok at least to me. it’s so hard to admit to n so impactful to say out loud but it’s what has to b done. it a type of trauma that’s been in my fam for many many yrs n i gaslight myself into believin that we broke it. i stayed in denial n tbh still am in denial bcuz it’s so hard to blame a fam member. esp for me a girl n a teenage girl at that. this isn’t always the universal reaction so there is no guilt if this isn’t the case or if it is but u still luv them no matter what they did it’s so hard to blame them. but sexual abuse is sexual abuse. i hope to god every day that when i have children that will b when the cycle is broken n it all stops but i will never put the verbal pressure on them the way my parents did. one of them was a victim of smthn v extreme so i do not blame them (there it is again) but it’s torture to feel like u let them down when u did nothin wrong. admitting is always the first step to healin. i’m so proud of u for talkin abt this n that anon n everyone else.

ya! i think even though its uncomfortable as hell and disturbing its important that we talk about it. thank you <3 im proud of everyone who pitched in too, and of you, thank u for sharing; its really not easy. i dont think this is the sort of thing we can heal from individually, you know? especially when its a cultural thing. theres so much shame and fear and repression surrounding this kind of stuff, and the only way were gonna heal from it is if, like u said, well start accepting it and talking about it

and yea youre right it is really hard. like my father crossed any possible line with what he did and he abuses his wife too and. i really just want him dead like i dont give a damn, i have to try to calm myself bc i get too focused sometimes on how much i actually want him to suffer. but even with him at times im like,,,, ,, eh but i still care abt him? i went through a whole phase where i felt like it was my responsabilites to help him or like heal him from how deranged he is lmao. but it doesnt last long. but with everyone else its different. (?) like. i realized like idk a year ago that uh yea my grandma did lowkey molest me and it actually made me feel fucking insane. i had no idea what do with it and i still dont?? and its fucked and definitely not ok but like...,,, we all pretend like its fine or just didnt happen i guess bc its,, normal? acceptable??? its weird as all hell, most of the time i just kinda try to not think abt it because i have no idea how to even feel abt the woman when i do. if anything as much as it definitely kinda fucked me up, im frankly way more pissed abt the physical abuse/beatings and endless insults and yelling and shit - like that actually probably did more damage to me. but still like idk yea i .. idk if i excuse it but i definitely explain it like oh she didnt know better etc etc etc. but that doesnt.. ugh it doesnt excuse it?? but i still love her and care for her?? its a fucking nightmare to try to detangle all that. and the shit w my mom too and other family members like uh yea it grosses me out and definitely got to me, this combination of being raised as property + controlling parents + sexualized + actually being whored out by father has k.o.d whatever mental sanity i could have had and it took me many years to.... idk. even start remotely working through all that. but. i still care abt them...?? i think the fact that its no longer happening and dont rly consider it on the same level as the shit w my dad makes it kinda different in my head but its still not fucking ok

and yea. definitely one of the hardest parts of it is being blamed for being uncomfortable/grossed out or even punished for being so when rly thats such a normal reaction to have to this shit. it is psychologically torturous and it is gaslighting and it rly fucks u up in the head..... and its really hard to get to the point where u dont feel like u did anything wrong or you werent to blame. i do presume that w this particular kind of shit tho a lot of it is that they probably went through similar stuff, internalized and repressed it, never dealt w it, and then just proceed to do the same

i hope to god too ill be different. i want to believe in both of us and this new generation that we'll do a better job. i think the fact that were even talking abt it shows some progress u kno. my mother and grandmother told me for many years that i wont do a better job than them and its just normal for kids to be raised w beatings and yelling and insults and controlling behavior and all that shit,,,, but. ive always been terrified of that. since i was little i knew if i ever had a kid i wouldnt want to put them through any of this. if i cant break the cycle id rather not raise a kid at all. at least for the past like year or two my mother has actually accepted that some of the shit she did wasnt okay and that she was abused by my grandmother too and..... apologized??? which was insane. so. idk. its been a long and weird fucking process. but. i dont think its hopeless

#lmao speaking of mommy issues #god so many of us are so fucked up huh

[dawnowar]

Still on about my dead x-bf from 30 yrs ago whatever if you don't like it. Its brought up a lot of old memories, not just of him but like every single thing i was doing before, during and after that time in my life. How I had no idea i was pretty or skinny and how flattered I was in general by his attention. He was in-between marriages so I suppose I was the rebound. For me he was this exotic long-distance love who I got to daydream about in-between planning trips to see him. I got to hang around this band full of musicians who were basically bringing an idea that hadn't been done yet to people who didn't know what to expect and it was so fun to see them win over the crowd night after night. People got it in a song or two and the shows were so fun. And how exciting it was for me as a fan-girl to have Setzer recognize me and say hello as if I was a person he actually knew when he would see me. He toured with Air Supply and I remember thinking "The Manowar fans can't know about this. It'll ruin my street cred! 🤣" They took him to countries that he couldn't call me from because back then you had to call from phone booths and it cost a fortune per minute to call internationally and eventually the calls got fewer and further between and I lost track of exactly where he was or what he was doing. I wasn't totally clueless that things weren't the same. But one of the last conversations we had, he had said to me "Don't think I'm finished with you just because you haven't heard from me in awhile". And i kind of put too much faith into that statement and probably lived in denial a lot longer than I should have. *sigh* I was sad once I figured it out but then you monday-morning-quarterback it and you see the things you missed and over the years I've pretty much decided we probably were never really right for each other anyway. Even though I have nothing but good memories of him and never held any real grudge against him. I just wish he'd talked to me and told me the truth. I mean i was gonna be sad about it either way. Made things awkward for a good few shows after, but the band blew up and it was harder to get anywhere near him or anyone once I had to buy tickets for big shows to see the band play and most of the band members had rotated out and those new guys didn't know me anyway. I've got nothing but good memories of all of it. I never stopped showing up even though i kind of get like this before every single one where i have to reevaluate my whole life every time I want to put on a cute dress and go watch one of my fave guitar players play a show for the last several decades of my life. But how fucking lucky am I that I even have that kind of history to navigate myself through?? I'm really nothing but grateful to the guys in the band that encouraged him to go meet me because i guess he was divorced guy and they wanted to see him happy with someone new. It was a good time in my life. I hope it was a good time in his too.