#like thats literally my biggest fear of being a teacher how the fuck did it get this way jfccccc

[lesbianstarlightglimmer]

night

#meows #lord help me its 2 am and i am trying to not make a purchase #im just!!!!!! thinking so deeply about one day owning my gmas house. hard to explain all that but #also i had to retake one of my certification tests today and it was so bad and it didnt help i had a stabbing headache #and was fucking anxious bc 1. test and 2. literally w all thats been going on at schools and then turning around to take a test #where they make me put my phone in a locker bc THATS safe. have a fucking proctor in there then like youre supposed to jfc #and then i came home to both my parents being pains in the asses fr #i wanted to go back to the middle school i interned at to see the gsa kids on their final meeting day but again...everything going on... #like thats literally my biggest fear of being a teacher how the fuck did it get this way jfccccc #anyways. bobs burgers tomorrow and new toh

[liam-93-productions]

They still scream. Four years after One Direction went on a hiatus that looks more permanent with every SNL shading and deathless interview comment, Liam Payne can still make girls giddy. Or, rather, not girls anymore. Women. It’s the night before the release of his debut solo album, LP1, and he’s launching it in cahoots with Huawei, throwing a listening party where 150 contest winners can preview it on the brand’s new FreeBuds 3 earphones. They nod along happily as the first two tracks play in their ears. They sip their wine – they can legally drink now – and assume this sneak peak is their prize. Then the curtain at the end of the room drops. There’s Liam Payne, the boy whose poster graced millions of bedroom walls, in the flesh.

It’s been 12 years since Payne first appeared on The X Factor; a decade since the birth of One Direction, when on his second audition he and four boys he’d never met were jammed together, formless teenage clay fashioned into a record-selling miracle. They burned bright. They burned out. They split. They grew up. Their fans did, too.

But when he appears, as if summoned up, they still scream. Payne’s music might lack the for-the-jugular songwriting that made One Direction the biggest act on earth for half a decade, but that doesn’t matter. They scream for the idea of Liam Payne, not necessarily the reality. The scream is the memory of dancing to ‘You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful’ in their bedroom. Of a stolen selfie at a record signing, in the days before the tattoos, the drinking problems, (...), the sultry underwear campaign.

But for everyone outside this room, outside this scream, these are the things that define him now. The new Liam Payne makes adult music, in the clothes-on-a-bedroom-floor sense of the word. The new album is the fruit of an orchard-full of writers and producers, recorded in studios across the globe, and rattles through tropical house, trap, low-slung funk and, strangest of all, Christmas songs. It’s more like listening to an artist’s entire back catalogue on shuffle than a cohesive album. But in a Spotify playlist world, perhaps that’s the best way to get a hit.

And hits are what Payne wants. He’s competitive, he admits backstage before the show. He's the fourth Directioner to drop an album and he wants his to compare. But he claims not to worry about that too much. He’s done enough worrying since the band split and now, he thinks, he's dealt with it. Therapy. Counselling. Self-examination. He’s done the soul-searching. He's a new man, now. But he still enjoys the scream.

You’ve worked with lots of different producers, lots of songwriters. Do you feel that you have a ‘sound’ at this point?

For the longest time I had no clue whether I had a sound, but the more I listened to the album, the more it seems like there’s a constant seam that goes through the whole thing. Like, with an artist like Migos, a lot of their kind of sound is based around the ad libs and the crazy stuff they do in the background. So yeah, I think at this point I do have a sound, I just can’t really put a wording on it. Because of how many genres of music we’ve done over the last few years – everything from the song I did with Rita [Ora] to a song in Spanish. But it’s kind of nice not to have those boundaries.

Is there a sense of competition with the other guys?

Of course there’s a competition. There’s charts and numbers and figures, but at the same time it’s very hard to compete when we’re doing such different things. It’s like playing different sports almost, with someone doing soft rock music, someone who does hip hop, they’re not really in the same genre and the same people aren’t really listening. So yeah, due to our age and origin, it makes sense for competition. For any other reason, it’s a bit ludicrous.

How much do you speak to them these days?

We send homing pigeons to each other. No, we actually, with a lot of them I haven’t spoken to them. With Harry [Styles] for example – what I always try to describe to people is this, because it’s difficult for people – well, it’s actually not that difficult for people to understand. One Direction was my office. So if you change everything, just put desks in, in an office environment, some people talk, some people don’t talk, there’s something about someone you absolutely hate, that’s literally the way an office works. By the time we got to the end of One Direction, it was like the office ended and that was the end of it. You didn’t come back in. So I spoke to Louis [Tomlinson] more than I spoke to anyone, me and Niall [Horan] saw eye to eye on some things and not others. Then with Harry I just didn’t know anything about him. And that’s not his fault or my fault, it’s just the way that that laid out, when you’ve been put in that room together and then exposed to this whizz-bang of fame.

For people on the outside, it might seem strange that you could have ever spent that much time with people in a really intimate setting, and still have this sense of distance from people.

I mean, we spoke, me and Harry caught a laugh every so often. It wasn’t like we never spoke, that we just saw him around, but it was not like I’d see him on the weekend, that we’d go out or anything together. Because we just don’t have anything in common. I don’t have nothing against the boy, I think he’s a beautiful beautiful person, he’s a very lovely person, and you can see that by how many people he meets that get along with him, the general thing you hear coming back is true. And I can say that from my own experience with him but I just haven’t spoken to him for a number of years because our music – I’m like the antichrist version, to his christness.

You’ve talked openly about your drinking recently, about realising you had a problem and going teetotal for a year to try and get it back in check. What was the point that made you realise things had to change?

It was more friends. It wasn’t like an intervention as such, as it were. I think it’s important that you pick one person in life that you really take their opinion on. It’s like you have that PE teacher at school who, when you get told off by them, it hurts 10 times more because you respect them. I have somebody in my life who is very much that person. They were just a bit like, maybe you should look into this. I just went to therapy and spoke about it and spoke to people who’d been through the same things and different things. Russell Brand was one of the people who got me sober for that year. I spent a little bit of time with Russell, went down to meetings in working men’s clubs where it was just me and Russell Brand and loads of factory workers, bin men, whatever you can imagine and they’re telling each other stories. He was recounting his time of before, when he used to whatever, and it was really interesting and it’s nice to feel you’re not alone. In a room full of men as well – I went to loads of different meetings, it was mixed meetings and all sorts – but this first one I did was just a room full of blokes pouring their hearts out. I was like, fucking hell, this is crazy.

Was that experience intimidating at all? You’ve got a very different background, a different experience of drinking. Is it strange being in a place so far removed from the place you spent the last 10 years of your life?

It was comforting actually, more than anything. It was nice to go in a room and everyone was having a chat about stuff and you know, because it’s anonymous, there was always the fear about someone coming out and saying something about me, but they never did. And thats the one thing I’d say, no one even knew until I said I went to therapy that I’d been. So it was really nice that you could sit in that room and tell these stories and hear these stories of different people and different characters coming through that were completely different to you, but going through the same shit.

Do you think there was a sense of community there that perhaps you hadn’t had, spending your youth in such a unique environment?

Yeah, definitely. But for a long, long time, it sort of reminded me of when I used to go to the pub with my old man and I’d sit round chatting different things. It felt a bit like home.

Liam Payne performed an impromptu intimate gig for the Huawei FreeBuds 3 ‘listening party’ at London’s Omeara, allowing fans the opportunity to listen to the new album with crystal clear sound thanks to their active noise cancellation. Buy them here.

#liam payne #esquire uk #lp1 #liam's interviews #06.12.2019

[clearskiiess]

I actually have the best idea for your "talk about" ask meme. Do 1-40 please 💕💗💞💟❤️💖 Give Us Your Autobiography

1  - talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

already answered !

2 - talk about your first kiss.

damn well that aint happened yet. lol

3 - talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

hGGGG probably my best friend and crush miriam. god im fucking in love with her omfg gO DODKLHFSHFDJDKHK i wont ramble too much but omffhjfkfjkdhfkjd thnak god shes not on tumblr or id die eeeehggGGGH like we flirt a lot but we’re not dating quite yetaaa ghddgh

4 - talk about the thing you regret most so far.

nothing bitchesssss 😎🤘 i regret not getting into good music earlier maybe.

5 - talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

already answered!

6 - talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

uhhhghghgh not really a bad one i can remember ! all of them have been good, some better than others ofc but theyre still good even if i dont get prezzies.

7 - talk about your biggest insecurity.

ohufuibfhkbkjbjk probably my art and drumming and writing opps.

8 - talk about the thing you are most proud of.

already answered !

9 - talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

already answered!

10 -  talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

damn probably me and my mum, we fight kind of often but yeah djldfkjjkdjkdkj those are probably the worst fights i have. or me and my dad

11 - talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

already answered!

12 - talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

damn uh kinda dont wanna answer, too personal sorry eee

13 - talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

idk really, just being with someone i really like or even love and its just super fun and casual, and like just exploring it? yeah

14 - talk about a vacation.

ooo when me n the fam went to europe when i was 10 and we went to paris for 4 days, then germany for 2 weeks and norway i think 1 or 2 weeks? it was bloody awesome omfG it was great !!!! my family is big on travel so we usually use our money on it.

15 - talk about the time you were most content in life.

already answered !

16 - talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

eh not really? maybe friend’s parties as a child but thats kinda it. dont really go to parties yet eee

17 - talk about someone you want to be friends with.

already answered !

18 - talk about something that happened in elementary school.

uh thats primary right? well, nothing interesting i remember in year 6 i loved warrior cats and me n my friends would roleplay it a lot at school, everyone thot we were weird but i didnt care ahah.

19 - talk about something that happened in middle school.

well thats high school for me so, nothing interesting either. maybe that one time with my old friend domi and maya and it was yr 7, i was 13 i was staying home cause i was sick af. and maya called me up, obviously trying not to laugh. and she was like “domis broken his leg! help help! what do i do” and im like uh. why are you calling me??? call the ambulance or get a teacher to do it for christs sake! i dont even believe you. and she was like yeah look! and sent me a fucking photoshopped pic of him lying at the bottom of the stairs, it made me fucking laugh so hard i was like, bro you expect me to believe you? ok buddy. bye. and hung up it was funny af

20 - talk about something that happened in high school.

^^^ answered above lol.

21 - talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

ggghHHHH ok i had to turn down my friend austin in yr 7  bc domi was pressuring me to go out with him cause i told him about how i used to like him, but for some reason that meant i still liked him to him??? so he kept going on abt it saying ask him out etc so i caved in and did and the date was so shitty i just faked sick and left and we didnt talk for a bit, but thats long gone and we’ve made up now lol, just good friends

22 - talk about your worst fear.

already answered ! 

23 - talk about a time someone turned you down.

hgg not happened yet,,, thank god 

24 - talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

well whenever someone compliments me on anything really or says im their best friend like??? psjksfjkdjkhfsdjlfds ok dead,,, or when they say i love u i jusT DIE

25 - talk about an ex-best friend.

already answered!

26 - talk about things you do when you’re sick.

already answered !

27 - talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

uh??? idk hands. i love hands a lot. and collarbones. and lips. and eyes. and eyebrows. and legs, and tummies and - ok ill shuT Up

28 - talk about your fetishes.

dont really have any. maybe hands

29 - talk about what turns you on.

hands. teehee

30 - talk about what turns you off.

i dunno,  any bdsm like at all ahahaha. srry bros

31 - talk about what you think death is like.

i dunno really? sometimes i feel like its nothing, like we’ll just die and stop functioning and just rot and become one with the earth. but sometimes i feel like maybe there is an afterlife, like not what we think but yea? like i dunno.

32 - talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

ohh boy , well one is this river near my house, or creek really. i love it a lot its great, i love going there and watching the birds and hearing the water rush.

33 - talk about what you do when you are sad.

eh, kinda just cry my eyes out and listen to music or watch a good movie and then i feel a bit better.

34 - talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

uh well as of recently i can remember, was when i got jaw surgery in april this year. now this shit was fucking horrible, for a month and a half my face was puffed like a balloon and bruises everywhere, and i literally could not eat cause i couldnt bloody move my mouth! i was confined to my bed and i lost so much weight bc i could barely eat and i was throwing up old blood and shit during that time and i couldnt fucking sit up without drooling cause i couldnt control it it was so fucking gross man. at least i look better now but it was hell lmfao.

35 - talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

uhhh idk maybe staying up all night n shit, i dont think anything else? maybe avoiding school too. oh , and ofc get rid of my depression hahah

36 - talk about your guilty pleasures.

eeeeeee nothing rlly? i dont feel guilty abt shit, i shouldnt

37 - talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

uhm i guess my ex bf tyler, well gf at the time but yea, i loved him a whole lot dkjfdhdhfhkdj but we were only 12-13 yknow and he lived in the us so it was rlly sucky. but it was a good time, just some experience

38 - talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

damn well, sweet child o mine by gnr reminds me of my friend claudia, she LOVES stuff like gnr and ac/dc, motley crue etc. and for u maxie, killer queen def ! and gold dust woman for me friend mazzy,,,, and in my life omg for miriam sjdjdjdjfkg

39 - talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

already answered !

40 - talk about the end of something in your life.

already answered !

tYSM BBY MAXIE ILYSM

#asks #90-percent-sure

[domesticangel]

2 4 8 13 14 18 22 29 33/34 36 37 40 41 44 48 55 69 76 80 82 94 95 98? Sorry if that's a lot sfhsghsh there were so many to choose from!! U can skip some if u want

SDFHSJKDL NAH DUDE UR SO FINE I APPRECIATE U GIVIN ME SO MANY TO ANSWER !!! 🤠🤙🏻 I’m gonna throw this under a cut just bc. I Talk A Lot

2. is your room messy or clean?

HHHHH i’d say its more on the messy side lmao like its not too awful bad but i am rly bad about having The Chair™ that i pile all my worldly possessions on

4. do you like your name? why?

ive honestly never rly liked it lmao emily was apparently like one of the most popular baby names for girls in ‘97 so from grade school through college ive always been one of like at least 2 or 3 emily’s in each class kjhkjhfkj thats why i mostly prefer to go by emmy

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

i drive a 2002 ford taurus named tori and she’s my silver babby. she’s a very good car and i plaster her in as many bumper stickers as i can get my hands on

13. any siblings?

ye! one older brother. he’s like a cartoonishly stereotypical stoner but he’s chill so we get along

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

HMMM ive always thought colorado would be nice? i love mountains and i love cold weather and i feel like theres enough cities that id have an ok chance of getting a job in my field. somewhere in scandinavia might also be nice bc once again i like the cold and also ive heard their healthcare slaps

18. favorite tv show?

OOF idk if i could pick one fav but some I’m rly into and find myself rewatching a lot are scrubs, bojack horseman, its always sunny, archer, and dexter

22. do you go to the gym?

i do when I’m on campus just bc my school has a rly nice gym with a good running track but if I’m back home like over breaks and stuff ill just run outside. i sometimes go to the yoga/pilates classes my mom teachers at her local gym but thats about it

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

HHHHH well. the main thing that came to mind was 3 years ago when i was driving and took a turn too fast and accidentally crashed into the front of a lady’s car….obv i didn’t mean to do it but i definitely was being reckless thinking i could make the turn. i totaled her car (i was driving a mustang at the time and those mfers are built like tanks so only our fender got dented but her entire front end was crushed) but luckily everyone was physically ok. i def learned my lesson about being a dumbass and also don’t fuck w rwd cars anymore lmao…even to this day thinking about how badly i couldve hurt her makes me shudder and i haven’t been in a wreck since

33. favorite actor?

idk if i can pick a fav but dfhjshgkjsdf i rly like samuel l. jackson, jason bateman, and paul rudd

34. favorite actress?

HHHHHHH i love so many actresses it’d probably be impossible to narrow it down but ive been rewatching ahs coven recently and it reminded me how much i love angela bassett and jessica lange 😩❤️

36. favorite movie?

kjghdsgjsk IM SRY IM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF NARROWING ANYTHING DOWN TO ONE BUT,,, some of my consistent all times favs are the kill bill movies and the kingsman movies

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i dont tbh i did when i was a kid but i always abandon books halfway through whenever i try nowadays,, i think the last book i read was the kite runner and its definitely one of my favs. i also like p much all of toni morrison’s books but beloved was my fav of hers

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i think only twice??? once when i was RLY young for something i don’t even remember and again when i was still p young to get my tonsils out lmao

41. top 10 favorite songs

OOF ok favorites are so hard for me but some songs ive loved for a rly long time and always come back to are nightdrive with you (fear of tigers remix) by anoraak, countdown by beyonce, song of the sea by cake bake betty, surrender by cheap trick, bubbly by colbie caillat, ferrari by coyote kisses, that green gentleman by panic! at the disco, nightswimming by R.E.M., if it makes you happy by sheryl crow, and punk rock girl by the dead milkmen

44. what is your biggest fear?

JHDFKJLSHKJSGFK ok this is kinda morbid but like i have this specific fear of someone close to me dying and it depressing me so much that i like, am not able to finish school and pursue my career and i get like totally trapped as a result of grief that sustains itself by constantly reminding me that said dead person would be disappointed in me for quitting. Sweats Loudly

48. who is your role model?

prob my mom tbh which i know is. Cheesy but like. she’s been through so much shit and still came out the other end of it as this unconditionally compassionate and capable person and i just. thats what i wanna be

55. what is your dream job?

honestly this might sound sad but like? literally anything that doesn’t make me wanna die and pays well enough that i can pay my bills and have a little fun on the side?????? obv some kinda art career but as for what specifically I’m rly not picky tbh jfghjhf all i know is that id wanna work for a company as opposed to freelancing

69. do you play an instrument?

nope dkljhfsdjk im not musically talented in any way shape or form

76. what color looks best on you?

black or tie dye, no in between

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

probably just like? super negative people. like people that go out of their way to find negativity and complain about other things or people and have no desire to look on the bright side or enjoy the little things. like chill dude. we’re all just here to have a good time

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

HMMM i rly love pecan praline ice cream !!!

94. favorite lyrics right now

i honestly rly like the chorus from help yourself by sad brad smith,, “I know you’ll help us when you’re feeling better, and we realize that it might not be for a long, long time, but we’re willing to wait on you, we believe in everything that you can do, if you could only lay down your mind”

it just. makes me Soft. it reminds me of the ppl in my life that believe in me unconditionally and are patient with me and how grateful i am to have them and all the people that i love and believe in too and. Yeah 😩❤️

95. summer or winter?

winter 100% i HATE heat and sweating plus like 90% of my wardrobe is cold weather clothes fdljhksjkdh

98. favorite month?

HMMM probably november? its usually like the transition from fall to winter so you get that really nice crisp fall weather that flows into the super cold hot cocoa weather that i loooooveee

#txt #abt

[maplestreetsims]

get to know me tag!

so, i came to catfish you all with my updated simself, also i made her with alpha cc bc why not?

I saw @galaxsims did this and i thought it might be fun, so the point of this is to make a simself and answer some q’s so people get to know you better

I’m going to tag anyone who wants to do this, Just go crazy 

   - trash under cut -

1. What is your full name? Constanza

2. What is your nickname? most people call me coti, i had a few friends that called me constance tho

3. Birthday? July 1, 2000

4. What is your favorite book series? i dont read as much as i used to so i dont have one

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? aliens yes, ghosts...maybe? just for the spookines of it all tbh

6. Who is your favorite author? i dont read dont come for me

7. What is your favorite radio station? i never listen to the radio, mostly spotify

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? anything cheese flavored, or like pizza? idk im thinkin chips here

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? amazing, cool!

10. What is your current favorite song? literally queens entire discography??? like i saw bohemian rhapsody last week, i liked queen before but now im like on hyperdrive or something

11. What is your favorite word?  chaos

12. What was the last song you listened to? Somebody to love, by (you guessed it) queen

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? hmm... i dont know, skam, maybe freaks and geeks

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? pride (2014) always makes me feel happy when i watch it, i really like it

15. Do you play video games? yes

16. What is your biggest fear? Ending up alone, but not romantically, more of like no friends, or family

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i dont know... i just try to be a good person?? like i put myself in others peoples shoes and treat them how i would like to be treated i guess, bc i know how its like being treated like shit and i wouldnt want that for anyone lol

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my socializing skills? or lack thereof 

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? i like them both the same

20. What is your favorite season? i dont like any season sjdjsdk

21. Are you in a relationship? nope

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? just.. happiness?? not only my own but like everyone in my family (yikes) also my innocence 

23. Who is your best friend? haha ha

24. What is your eye color? brown

25. What is your hair color? Dark brown 

26. Who is someone you love? no one honestly, maybe my pets?

27. Who is someone you trust? literally anyone who is nice to me, that’s bad

28. Who is someone you think about often? my friends, classmates

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? nothing currently

30. What is your biggest obsession? The sims, life is strange and detroit become human.....also queen?, weird combinations

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Art attack! also the cocodrile hunter??? that was my shit!!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? I know i just said i trust everyone but like....i dont open up, like ever

33. Are you superstitious? No

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Elevators?? and cars...are those phobias?

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind

36. What is your favorite hobby? Editing, playin sims... u know

37. What was the last book you read? I cant remember fghjkljhg probably something for school

38. What was the last movie you watched? Bohemian rhapsody rip

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? i wish i could play any musical instrument, but i suck tbh

40. What is your favorite animal? cats and dogs™

41. What are your top 5 7 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

@pollinationqueen​ @cosmic-espie​ @omiscanking @bloomlet @gunthermunch @cowberrys and @mellocakes ♥♥

42. What superpower do you wish you had? telekinesis??? um hell yeah why would anyone want anything else

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? this is weird but when im riding the bus home, listening to music

44. What makes you smile? my simblr, youtube videos...

45. What sports do you play, if any? i wish

46. What is your favorite drink? coca cola beech! 

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I dont even remember, but i had to write something like that around this year at least

48. Are you afraid of heights? yes

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? it used to be hearing people chew, but i think im over it

50. Have you ever been to a concert? no, never

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a vet

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? idk sis

54. What is something you worry about? my future, and my life

55. Are you scared of the dark? sometimes

56. Do you like to sing? yes, only when im alone

57. Have you ever skipped school? yeah, but i tried not to, it felt like i was missing out and that kinda made me feel like shit??

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dont think i have one, but more like a bunch of them? and only at specific times if that make sense, like the outside of that theater at nightime when i went to see a play with my friends a while ago

59. Where would you like to live? mmm maybe the usa? or anywhere where i could get to speak english all the time

60. Do you have any pets? a cat and a dog, Mercury and Candy!

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, def

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets, im never up for sunrises anyways, unless i stayed up all night

63. Do you know how to drive? no but i hope that i do at some point, although im scared of cars

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones

65. Have you ever had braces? nope, my teeth are as straight as me

66. What is your favorite genre of music? rock, indie...maybe pop rock?

67. Who is your hero? i dont have one

68. Do you read comic books? not really

69. What makes you the most angry? myself sometimes

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Real book all the way, when i do read that is

71. What was your favorite subject in school? cinematography class???? idk how it translates properly but that was my fave, although the teacher fucking ruined it for all of us tbh

72. Do you have any siblings? nope

73. What was the last thing you bought? a bus ticket

74. How tall are you? 4′9...yikes

75. Can you cook? not at all

76. What are three things that you love? this blog, my family and my pets

77. What are three things that you hate? hooo boy

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? i have 0 friends what does that mean? jk i actually would say its pretty equal 

79. What is your sexual orientation? yes

80. Where do you currently live? Uruguay, montevideo

81. Who was the last person you texted? my dad

82. When was the last time you cried? last week

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? jenna and julien, and probably every sims youtuber(seriously)

84. Do you like to take selfies? not so much

85. What is your favorite app? tumblr, or youtube

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? its alright

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? portugeese

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? mmm all of them

89. What is your favorite number? 7

90. Can you juggle? Nop

91. Are you religious? no

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The ocean

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? hahah no

94. Are you allergic to anything? i used to be allergic to a bunch of shit when i was a kid but im not allergic to it anymore?? like chocolate, oranges....cats, and dust

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? Yes

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? always hopefully

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? i dont really ask for advice that often so...idk

100. Are you a good liar? No, but i try

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff

102. Do you talk to yourself? i used to talk to myself all the time, but now i barely do it, thats a good thing right?

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? no, i used to when i was a kid but it was pure garbage

105. Do you believe in second chances? Depends

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? look for an id to see if i cant turn it in, if not....well

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes, but only in certain things

108. Are you ticklish? i dont even know, probably not

109. Have you ever been on a plane? no

110. Do you have any piercings? yeah, my ears

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? idk

112. Do you have any tattoos? No, but hopefully i will some day!

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? i dont know....

114. Do you believe in karma? yeah

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no

116. Do you want children? yeah why not

117. Who is the smartest person you know? honestly i don’t know

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? doing a cindirella theatre play for my school when i was 12, i was cindirella, i dont wanna talk about it njxkcfxf

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? not that i remember, i always end up falling asleep, dosent matter if its like 10 minutes 

120. What color are most of you clothes? green.........i dont even like green

121. Do you like adventures? yeah maybe, depends on what it is

122. Have you ever been on TV? yeah i have actually lmao, it was on a kids tv show 

123. How old are you? 18

124. What is your favorite quote? “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents” 

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory!!

#tag game #saviorhide #me stuff #non sims #simself #get to know me tag

[thathumanwiththecatears]

I feel like venting so this will be way too much information about my life that i am sharing on the internet because why have a private diary when you can publicly scream your problems into the void

So basically, both of my parents kinda suck. They arent the worst, but they also just kinda suck :) So before i was born my parents had my sister. And between me and my sister my mom had a miscarriage. I dont know details of that, but i know it happened. I also know that my parents were not going to have me because of not just that but also they were already not getting along very well. But then they changed their mind for some god forsaken reason (i was not an accident i was planned) and now i exist.

My parents were at the point of hating each other before i was born. They divorced when i turned 18 literally, when i turned 18 my dad started slowly taking his stuff and moving out over a few months until he was fully gone and filed for divorce. I will talk about that later. But the point of saying that now, is that ny parents hated each other for 18 years, and for some fucking idiotic reason decided it was a good idea to stay together.

I have lived in three places. My first house was this apartment where it was a 2 family house, but like first floor second floor rather than next to each other. My family lived on the first floor, my cousins family lived on the second floor. My second place was the second floor of my grandparents house and now in my current apartment been here for like 8 years.

I am usually one to say i dont remember my childhood. Thats because i have repressed it. I have few memories and they are usually bad. My parents never “hit” me so to speak. Not in the /actual abuse/ way, but i was spanked and slapped by my mom. She likes to laugh about it to people still now. Thinks its funny that she could say ”do i need to take you to the ladies room?” To me and i would stop crying. One of the biggest phrases that sticks with me is “stop crying or i will give you a reason to cry” it still hurts even now just thinking about it. The number of times i could be crying over something that to me would be a lot and have that screamed at me with hand raised is just terrible.

A specific memory that i have is on i belive either my 5th or 6th birthday, i was wearing a velvet burgundy and black dress with buttons up the middle and matching burgundy headband. I dont rememver why, but i know that something upset me and i was crying, and i was yelled at to stop crying, and i remember sitting in my room before my party trying to stop crying and make myself look okay. I had a lot of birthdays like that. Kinda why i really dont like my birthday, but it also breaks my heart whenever my birthday is ruined, cause im always a little hopeful it wont be.

Some other memories i have involve being yelled at to clean. I had a lot of pressure on me and i was never good enough. Always did something wrong. I would cry at night and wish that i could just be perfect. I didnt wish things would stop happening, i wished i could become perfect and stop messing up and do everything that was asked of me. I had to do a lot. My sister didnt, my sister was the favorite. I have always known she was the favorite. Was always treated better, always had her side taken, always was the good child, the pretty child. I delt with a lot of anger and fighting with my sister, we really didnt get along. And i think part of the reason she was the favorite was because she would always intentionally make me mad so that i would end up fighting her. I punched and kicked her, she did the same to me but i was worse. I once had her locked into a corner and was hitting her until we got in trouble. I cried in the corner for a few hours after being the only one punished.

When i was little i had already been depressed and suicidal. When i was six i wanted to be left alone to die in my room. I locked myself in and cried with music playing. My mom screamed at me that i would be taken away. Being taken away was threatened a lot. And i remember her screaming asking me if that was what i wanted. And everytime in my head i screamed yes. But i said no on the outside.

I remember hearing screaming always. My parents were always fighting, over money mostly. My mom telling my dad how worthless he was and how he didnt provide for my family. And my dad wasn’t innocent. He could have done more, but he still didnt deserve the abusive words. He was told he was worthless for years. No one deserves that. They wouldnt just be screaming at each other though. They would be screaming at me and my sister too. I flinch whenever my door is opened still because of how my mom used to slam my door open and yell at me. I flinch a lot.

In middle school i mostly lived at my grandparents. With my parents also there though. My nana and papa lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, there was only one kitchen and bathroom though both downstairs so it wasnt like an apartment. This sucked too. My nana liked my sister better. Actually she was the favorite of all the cousins. We would all talk about it, well except her. My dad would also get into fights with my grandparents. They were my moms parents and because they sided with my mom for obvious reasons, he wouldnt get along with them always.

I remember specifically sleeping on the black leather couch while home sick, up in our living room on the second floor. Watching disney jr. i stayed home sick a lot. Not because i was sick but because i was too depressed to go to school and really good at pretending to be sick.

When in 8th grade my health teacher noticed that i was depressed. He was the first person to notice. And he had me show my parents a pamphlet about it. My mom took me to a therapist. But you see, im selectively mute. I didnt know yet though, so it just came across as not wanting to talk. My mom would go with me. She would always be there, she would talk for me. She and the therapist would talk about me as i sat there unable to speak screaming about how wrong they were in my head. Eventually it was just me in the room. But i still couldnt talk freely. My mom would be told everything. All of my issues stemmed from her. I tried to bring it up once. My mom cried, made it all about her, cried about how she was a terrible mother, i was forced to tell her she wasnt and push down all of my problems and just be forced to live with that just being how it is. I cant talk about it because i dont matter. My feelings didnt matter and they never will. My goal was to just make my mom happy and not worry about myself. I just had to be perfect.

My grandparents sold the house from underneath us and we were forced to find another place. My current place. I liked it when we got here it was nice. There was a time while living here where my mom didnt have a job. That sucked a lot. She was always home. Always yelling at me. I couldnt get away. I almost never leave my room now because i have become so accustomed to just being in it. I have a vivid memory here. My bed was on a different wall of my room. I dont remember what we were fighting about. But i think what happened might have actually gotten to my mom for once. She was screaming at me and i went into my room and she followed me. I ended up on my bed as far as i could get from her crunched up into a ball saying “please dont hit me” over abd over while crying. I dont remember what happened immediately after but i do remember she left and i cried a lot.

I also remember when my sister found a paper towel with blood on it in my room. She told my mom. The worst possible thing she could have done because it lead to screaming and making things worse. I was threatened to be sent away. A big theme in this whole thing, getting sent away. I have a big fear of that still. Fear of doctors and hospitals and therapists and mental hospitals. I was threatened with them so much so that makes sense.

Once me and my sister got in a fight with my mom together. My mom later decided it would be a good idea to call us both out and tell us about how ungrateful and terrible we were and that she clould just kick us out and that she didnt owe us anything. I had a panic attack. The first time i had ever had one in front of her. I couldnt breath. I sobbed. I went to my room and fell to the floor behind the door hysterically crying and panicking. She screamed at me to stop and threatened to call 911. That for obvious reasons made it worse and made me have to force myself to get words out begging her not to and to just leave me alone so that i could calm down. Which she hated because to her she just heard “go away” as if i was just being a bratt. I eventually managed to get myself calmed down enough to semi explain what happened and got away to my room alone.

As i said earlier my dad left when i turned 18. It broke my heart when i realized that it was literally because of the fact that i had turned 18. You see in my dads eyes, he couldnt leave sooner because he didnt want to walk out on me and my sister. I think if they had just divorced sooner things would have gone better. I wouldnt have had to deal with hearing screaming all night every night for my entire life if they had. But i can understand why he didn’t want to leave. He still could have left when i turned 18 in a better way though at least. He basically snuck out. Spent less and less time at home until he wasnt coming home until all his stuff was gone. I cried about it but i was glad he got away from my mom. But him getting away from my mom made life worse for me. She no longer had him to scream at, and she didnt scream at my sister as much, it was all concentrated to me. Everything was a reason to scream at me. It has died down now. Other than a few days ago when she threatened to take away my phone and laptop and basically all connections to the outside world. If she did i would have left. She refuses to actually let me get freedom. She is trying to hold on. I cant drive, i dont have a job, i dont have any money. She doesnt want me to leave. If i leave she doesnt have anyone to control anymore.

This obviously isnt my entire life and everything, but its just the stuff i thought of now. Its almost 8:30am and i havent slept, so i should probably do that now. But yeah. Thats my vent fo the day.

#personal #emotional abuse #abuse tw

[scarletrebel]

of madness and truth: the dark future details

i was going to do this in two sections cause i do wanna go through the present parts of the fic as well. mainly exactly why avia is torturing herself by wanting to see the simulation, why she decides to tell grier, and why osiris helps her. also, why osiris saw the simulation and what my perception of his opinions on toland are. 

but im too excited to share all the dark future ideas i have so uhh here you go @mrpinstripesuit if you have anything to add please please go for it!!

man why do we like torturing our kids aha

(also i broke it down like, a lot a lot not to be patronising but because i didnt wanna overwhelm people with bullet points aha)

“I guess I’ll have to explain it to you, like usual,” Grier says. “Since we killed Oryx? Three years. Since you snuck into my throne world and tried to kill me? Two and a half years. Since you killed Toland and trapped yourself in the Hive Overworld? Two years.”

three years: back in ttk days, grier chose to become the taken king after they killed oryx, so the rest of the clan had to get out of dodge and leave him. 

two and a half years: avia was very, very lost after that happened, and sought grier out by herself (and against the advice of literally everyone) just to talk to him. but, toland being the piece of shit he is, intercepted her and wouldn’t let them meet. then he convinced grier that she’d come to kill him and toland stopped her. avia then convinces herself that if she figures out how to kill toland, grier will be okay.

two years: in the split second after avia killed toland, in a complete panic grier trapped her in the overworld. he was the one who scratched the runes into the wall, theyre basically a strong but hurried version of the hive traps. 

the scene itself, the timeline that present avia sees is set just after the events of d2, around the time the savathuns song strike would have been undertaken. it’s the first time they’ve spoken since avia killed toland, but avia knows grier was responsible for trapping her. him telling her that shes there because she killed toland is the first notion that he’s there to lie to her to get her on his side, because he’s in denial and needs to know if savathun is actually coming to the system. hes not sure he’s strong enough to take her on, so he needs avia to take on the role of toland (or something advantageous to him at least) to give him an advantage. so he lies through his teeth.

“Yes – no,” Avia retches. “The singing,” she spits. “All she does is sing and sing and I can’t take it anymore!”

“Who?” Grier asks, sharp. “Who sings, Avia?”

Avia’s mouth opens around a name, but then she stops, and lets out a dry laugh. She drops her hands and pulls her head up to look at Grier. “Oh. Oh, are you telling me you don’t know?”

“It’s nor Ir Yut,” Grier ruffles, but shakes himself and addresses her with all the manner of a teacher dealing with an uncooperative student. “She’s gone. It’s not his daughters either, and no ordinary Deathsinger on account of how far it stretches across the system. I have my suspicions but you, are the only one who knows.”

Avia pierces him with her eyes, unrelenting and patronising.

“You know,” she says. “You know who it is.”

grier is…….. fucked up. he had toland whispering in his ear that he was doing everything right and he was getting oh so powerful, whilst withholding information about whether either of the sisters would come and kill him bc its toland, all he cares about is the sword logic. if he was actually alive when they came he’d probably just watch grier die with a smile on his face. 

then avia kills toland, and grier is so, so alone. all he has are the tablets of ruin, which explain the sword logic with such clarity, all the info that toland withheld from him, and he starts to get Worried. and then he hears savathuns song.

avia hears savathuns song, too. she actually started to gain control of herself in the hive overworld after she heard it. until then she was having all this information shoved into her head against her will. she knows a lot about the hive similarly to toland, because shes heard all these other songs and all this knowledge. she doesnt want to know, its far too much for her to handle, but she doesnt really have a choice. 

but then savathuns song made her realise the best way to get griers attention, so she just started screaming. every now and then, the screams would affect griers throne world. and that’s when he decided to go to her, to try and manipulate her with all the tools toland had given him. he had a feeling she was transforming into something, but went into the conversation just trying to convince her that she needed to help him.

“If you’re right, if I’m a liar just like Toland was, then even if I told you how they all died on my doorstep, you wouldn’t even think I was telling the truth.” A tilt of his head, the white matted fringe dangles slightly, helplessly. “Would you?”

none of the clan are dead. the eos’s did try and get avia out after rook was patrolling the dreadnaught and heard her voice, screaming. he couldn’t convince the vanguard to deploy a mission cause there was just no proof that avia was alive after sneaking to the dreadnaught to kill toland.

carver used his Hidden talents to track her down, got as far as the room where she was but the hive were about to overrun them. carver knew that avia wouldn’t want them to die in a rescue attempt, so he gets himself and his wife and child out of there and regroups with the others. carina is mad about it, but her mum and dad aren’t giving up.

the only other member of the clan who’s seen grier is rook. after the eos’s got back, he figured fuck it and went to get avia, his heart too broken to have the same clarity that they did regarding if he died.

that part grier wasnt 100% lying about -- rook actually finds the room, and grier is waiting for him. it’s a close fight, grier gets the chance to kill rook in the end, take his ghost and crush it under his heel but. he cant. so he tells rook to run, and if he ever comes back he wont just kill him, but he’ll make avia do it. (more lies about avia not remembering who he is probably idk)

grier lying to avia about their clan mates dying isn’t something he went into the conversation knowing he’d do. he was getting pissed at her holding back info out of spite, and thanks to this little comic by pin I wanted to play with him bitterly making her more and more upset by lashing out in such a vile way. grier is a hard character to find faults for aha but his quick anger and bitterness were interesting to play with when I dialed them up to eleven.

avia’s biggest fear is getting the people she loves and cares about killed, and grier still retains enough of himself to know that. so he just kinda, finds that vein and twists and pulls at it until avia breaks down and believes that she’s all alone -- that it really is just them two now. 

“I, I wouldn’t – no!” Avia yells, and the room shakes once more. Grier takes stock of it this time, his face twisting in amused curiosity as she rages on.

avia is turning into a deathsinger. 

in my head her ahamkara claws loose their silver plates over time and eventually, some time after her and grier talk she hears the ahamkara/worm gods/whatever with a scary amount of clarity, amplified by the fact that shes trapped in the overworld. they just convince her that shes not a guardian anymore, that shes something better, something more powerful. she spent so long being a soldier, a fighter for a dying cause, wouldnt this be better? to forge her own path, to listen to the songs and become something greater?

eventually she’ll decide (or think that she decided) that grier’s the only person she can protect anymore, and begins to accept the transformation. she adopts the same powers, I guess, as oryxs daughters. being able to weave reality and bend it to her/griers will. she’s basically ‘griers deathsinger’. her grief and anger fuel how powerful she is.

(i love...... corruption tropes so yeah this is basically whats happening to her aha.)

its an ironic parallel also because as i said before, grier is alone with the tablets, and avia is alone with the ahamkara. but grier said it was just them. theyre both transforming and changing at the same time into things they dont necesarily want to be because they couldnt see the consequences of their actions after one decision was made. but, they do eventually come together, just them, as grier makes avia believe -- as its meant to be. 

Afterwards 

i like to think eventually the clan decides to take grier on together to try and save avia, but they just get taken one by one instead, basically becoming different members of griers court and only making him stronger. they’re all far, far too attached and know that theres most likely no coming back if they do this. but after the city falls, theres no better time. no vanguard to stop them, no mission protocol. they regather after ghaul attacks and all decide to strike out by themselves. but it goes horribly wrong. 

avia’s full deathsinger transformation makes all of her armour look like the silver plated ahamkaras (because thats just her, in d1 they were my fave exotic and they’re very much a part of her character in that era for me) minus a helmet, and the silver is definitely more rusted. her eyes blacken over entirely and her cloak is massive and swishy and the hood almost covers her eyes, and thats in place of the skirt a deathsinger would normally have (a skirt just doesnt seem right for her aha)

avia becomes a very loyal, very cutthroat deathsinger. she’s literally at griers beck and call. like omnigul for crota, or as it said in the fic ir yut. 

#jadeisadork.txt #dark future au #my ocs: avia #other ocs: grier #also ft #other ocs: carver #other ocs: rook #other ocs: cornelia #other ocs: carina #ALSO PIN I WAS LISTENING TO YOUR PLAYLIST WHILST FINISHING THIS UP #AND ITS PERFECT #THE DEATHSINGER DIRGE AT THE END MADE ME YELL IN JOY

[madlost1]

I was bored and did all the questions on one of those ask me things.

Get to know me a little bit after the break if your interested:

The meaning behind my url: No meaning at all just a user name that I mad up a while back when I needed one.

A picture of me: posted one last night.

How many tattoos i have and what they are: 6 Godzilla text in Japanese, Charisma.com logo, Sucy Manbavaran portrait, Doctor Who quote, Sailor Moon symbols, Ruby Rose (RWBY) picture.

Last time i cried and why: Last night thinking about someone.

Piercings i have: 4 (2 in each ear)

Favorite band: Babymetal followed very very closely by AC/DC

Biggest turn offs: Dishonestly is probably the biggest one, smoking, manipulation, uh some other stuff that is slipping my mind right now. Physically nothing though the mind is more important to me then looks.

Top 5 (insert subject): I’ll go movies 1)Sucker Punch (2011) 2) The Blues Brothers 3) Casablanca 4) Inglourious Basterds 5) Army of Darkness 

Tattoos i want: Too many but the next will probably be either a Sailor Saturn or the Straw Hat Pirates Logo.

Biggest turn ons: Honestly (obviously), Being nice. Physically Short Hair and Glasses fuck me right up.

Age: 27 (28 next month)

Ideas of a perfect date: Dinner, Mini golf, and a movie to cap the night off

Life goal: Just to live a happy life with a significant other.

Piercings i want: no more I’m done

Relationship status: Single (feels like it will be that way forever)

Favorite movie: Easy already did this one but Sucker Punch (2011) most would probably say it was because of the skimpily dressed girls or the action scenes but if you look past all of the there is a really deep and intricate story being told behind it all with multiple interpretations of what is actually going on.

A fact about my life: I shouldn’t really be here typing this today since I should have died when I was a baby.

Phobia:  Autophobia (more specifically a fear of dying alone)

Middle name: John

Height: 5′9″ or 5′10″ don’t know anymore

Are you a virgin? yeah

What’s your shoe size? depends on brand 11 in Converse up to 12.5 in Nike

What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? None of the above

Someone you miss: Honestly I miss texting my crush.

What’s one thing you regret? I regret a lot of things biggest one probably being not giving the one girl that was willing to me a chance a chance myself.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Oh boy celebrity crush I’m going to have to say Mami Sasazaki from the Japanese band Scandal.

Favorite ice cream? Strawberry

One insecurity: My looks

What my last text message says: That wasn’t work or family related it was kind of a long one to that girl that I told I didn’t think I should ask her out. ( which I later found out she had a boyfriend already any way so there was no point to it to begin with).

Have you ever taken a picture naked? No

Have you ever painted your room? Yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? No

Have you ever slept naked? No

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? No

Have you ever had a crush? Oh god yes I’m pretty sure everyone has. I still do.

Have you ever been dumped? You kind of have to be in a relationship for that to happen in the first place so no.

Have you ever stole money from a friend? Who the hell does that? No. Even if I borrow a couple bucks I always pay them back.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? No

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I’ve never thrown a punch because I will never hit a woman which leads me to the fact that my cousin was kind of an idiot and punched me a couple of times, and I also got punched in the face by some girl on the bus ride on the way home from school one day in Middle School because she said me and one of my other cousins were being too loud. (More literally a case of us talking about music I think it was, her and her friend sitting in the seat in front of us and her turning around and saying shut the fuck up and when I said no she punched me in the mouth.)

Have you ever snuck out of your house? No

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? I mean I do right now.

Have you ever been arrested? No

Have you ever made out with a stranger? Np

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Whats met up with? Gone somewhere with then yes.

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Of course

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? No

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? No

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Assuming my dad doesn’t count (listen 6 people on vacation in a 2 bed hotel room is not ideal) then no.

Have you ever seen someone die? No

Have you ever been on a plane? Yeas

Have you ever kissed a picture? No

Have you ever slept in until 3? I can’t sleep that late. I can lay in bed all damn day though.

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now? Love is a strong word. I don’t want to use it but I guess it is kind of what it is. 

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes

Have you ever made a snow angel? Yes

Have you ever played dress up? Yes

Have you ever cheated while playing a game? Yes

Have you ever been lonely? All the damn time

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? Yes

Have you ever been to a club? No

Have you ever felt an earthquake? No

Have you ever touched a snake? Yes

Have you ever ran a red light? Accidentally when I was first learning to drive.

Have you ever been suspended from school? No

Have you ever had detention? Yes 3 times all BS if you ask me. Me and my cousin got into a argument in like 5th grade that led to us both getting it. I think it was 7th grade computer class when a couple of us were fucking around and I hit a couple keys on a keyboard by accident and the piece of crap computer froze so I got hit with that one. And a lunch detention for a week because I accidentally spit mashed potatoes over a couple of people at lunch at while I admit it looked bad because I was trying to eat mashed potatoes with a straw the teachers way over reacted. 

Have you ever been in a car accident? A little bump on a rain slick road when every one slammed on their brakes. Unfortunately I was on the down slope of a hill and slid down it into the back of the car in front of me. No damage all was good.

Have you ever hated the way you look? Always

Have you ever witnessed a crime? Shoplifting I guess but that’s what happens when you work in retail.

Have you ever pole danced? No

Have you ever been lost? No

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? Yes

Have you ever felt like dying? Nah as much as I say I want to there is no point to it. Just live your life. You never know how important your life may be to someone else and how your absence in life may affect them.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Yeah last night

Have you ever sang karaoke? Alone in my room and in my car I sing along to songs all the time but that doesn’t really count.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Tried drinking a few times. Taste of alcohol is horrible to me anymore though.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Uhm the aforementioned mashed potato incident with is kind of why the mashed potatoes went everywhere

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? I never slept with anyone

Have you ever kissed in the rain? Never kissed anyone

Have you ever sang in the shower? Yes

Have you ever made out in a park? Never kissed anyone

Have you ever dream that you married someone? Yes

Have you ever glued your hand to something? Yes model kits all the time

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? no

Have you ever been a cheerleader? no

Have you ever sat on a roof top? Yes but thats because I used to help my dad re-do roofs  all the time when I was younger.

Have you ever brush your teeth? I brush my teeth every day

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? I used to not be able to watch them before bed because I would get nighmares but it hasn’t happened for awhile

Have you ever played chicken? No

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? No

Have you ever broken a bone? No (actually probably my toe at one point but I never went to the doctor for it.)

Have you ever been easily amused? I am very easily amused

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Yes 

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? No

Have you ever cheated on a test? No

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? It happens sometimes

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? Yes

Have you ever give us one thing about you that no one knows. Not yet

[camelopard-alis]

1-60 plz

I LOVE YOU 1. selfieNah I’m gross maybe I’ll post one l8r


2. what would you name your future kids?I have a whole list in my notes lmaoooo but my top three names are Camden, Cade, and Evelyn 


3. do you miss anyone?

I miss my girlfriend a whole fuckin ton ): and also my dog snuggles and also rico and Abbie 


4. what are you looking forward to?

Nikki coming back and also dying 


5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?Nikki omg she like is just ah she makes me smile just thinking about her. Like always. Also Carson, Camryn, and Rico always know how to make me smile idk my dude 


6. is it hard for you to get over someone?At first yes, and then also yes after that, and then I’m good, so then no. It’s a process 


7. what was your life like last year?I was blazed and wearing rose colored glasses lmao

 
8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?This happens a lot especially with my sister Azura yikes 


9. who did you last see in person?My trumpet teacher Patrick !


10. are you good at hiding your feelings?Hahaha I’m actually really good at it, which isn’t always a good thing. Idk I’m working on it 


11. are you listening to music right now?Nah I’m v frustrated w music rn


12. what is something you want right now?A hug and to fucking know how to count rhythms fucking accurately and to stop being a mediocre musician. Oh and also maybe something chocolate 


13. how do you feel right now?REALLY IN LOVE but also Frustrated and overwhelmed and kinda sad but that’s life


14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?Julian hugged me today yoooo


15. personality descriptionIdk a quirky klutz that can ironically run in heels and blogs too much 


16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Ha this has been one of the biggest problems I [have] face[d] in my life bc of my social anxiety help


17. opinion on insecurities.They are the worst things ever but develop character

 
18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Mostly no, but in some ways yes I think I do

 
19. have you ever been to New York?Nah I don’t think I really want to go very much either 


20. what is your favourite song at the moment?Waving Through the Window - Ben Platt


21. age and birthday?18 & Dec. 13th


22. description of crush.Okay. You CANT miss her, she’s literally the most stunning girl on the planet, like her description is: glowing and radiant 

But if you’re blind, her name is Nikki and she’s rly kind & funny 


23. fear(s)Buttons and words and auditions 


24. height5'2" help 


25. role model

Mm my mother bc she role modeled to me what I don’t want to be like. And also Santa 


26. idol(s)Shay Mitchell and Jennifer Aniston 


27. things i hateYou probably and playing jazz music also Chris fuckin Ferrari 


28. i’ll love you if…I love everyone despite what I say abt hating you so 


29. favourite film(s)The hours, stonehearst asylum, the craft, and the love witch; not because it’s a good film but because the memory around that film is beautiful and my favorite 


30. favourite tv show(s)PRETTY LITTLE LIARS IM AWFUL and friends and also the voice

 
31. 3 random factsThe only time I ever got grounded was for texting a boy which is humorousUmm I went by the name Daisy for most of my life And once in fourth grade I called the police because my teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom oops 


32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?Girls, I have like 3 guy friends idk sry 
33. something you want to learnHow to play trumpet better 


34. most embarrassing momentO too many. But One time I had a nip slip over FaceTime and that was really the worst ever Idk dog 


35. favourite subjectMath !!


36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?To be a genuinely good person, to be successful in whatever I do, and to have like 14 dogs 


37. favourite actor/actressIdk I don’t really have one but I guess Meryl Streep bc she’s 😍


38. favourite comedian(s)

Ppl aren’t funny

 
39. favourite sport(s)What are THOOOSEHonestly just judo and Olympic gymnastics idk 


40. favourite memoryThe day I finally accepted myself for being gay 


41. relationship statusMm idk maybe you should ask my girlfriend (very much taken obvs)


42. favourite book(s)Looking for Alaska and It’s kind of a funny story 


43. favourite song everThat’s a dumb question idk I’m indecisive and lame 


44. age you get mistaken for

Idk people usually think I’m about my age 


45. how you found out about your idolShe was GAY in a tv show that I’m obsessed with and then the other one is also from a tv show and I just think she’s hot and has a good heart 


46. what my last text message says“I LOVE U AH"


47. turn onsGurls


48. turn offs

Dick 


49. where i want to be right nowIn someone in particulars arms 


50. favourite picture of your idolThat’s too much effort rn so 


51. starsignSagittarius (((;;;;


52. something i’m talented atNot being talented(; 


53. 5 things that make me happyLesbian scenes in movies, my dog, my girl, my best friends, and winning 


54. something thats worrying me at the moment

Everything I’m so incredibly stressed out 


55. tumblr friendsUgh the list is too long 


56. favourite food(s)Pho and hummus and acai bowls and salad and pizza and almonds and ESP. Peanut butter and Frosted Flakes (together obvs)


57. favourite animal(s)Giraffe duh 


58. description of my best friend

Kind and blonde and a total badass (Carson) 

Talented and intelligent and also blonde(Katie) A super bad bitch and super funny and amazingly brunette (Aleah) A major chola dork that I down 40’s with and watch a million movies with and an incredibly great musician (rico) And my every so beautiful, talented, genuine, and loving fake blonde girlfriend (nikki) ❤


59. why i joined tumblrKatie made me one and then made me use it in the 8th grade 


60. ask me anything you wantMmm no

[onlyangcll]

answer all of those questions

okay im gonna do it

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottle

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? 

chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

uh as smart and kind when in reality i never knew what the fuck was happening

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups, or glass cups?

soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

can i wear pajamas

7. earbuds or headphones?

earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

the smell after it rains

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

if you though that i ever participated in p.e. in any point of my life ur funny

11. what do you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat breakfast on an average day oop

12. name of your favorite playlist?

u already know blue gang babeys even though it scares me a bit

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

sour worms 

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

either secret life of bees or fucking of mice and men FUCK 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

i would prefer laying on the floor tbh

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

u already know my air force 1′s babey

18. ideal weather?

crisp fall day where its under 60 degrees 

19. sleeping position?

usually just laying on my side

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i’ve been writing in my journal a lot to vent so i guess there bc i dont rlly write other than that

21. obsession from childhood?

hannah montana

22. role model?

my mommy she is amazing

23. strange habits?

idk i bite my nails i dont rlly have that many weird habits

24. favorite crystal?

bruh when i was younger i had this whole crystal obsession and i love amethyst and it is my birthstone

25. what is the first song you remember hearing?

chasing cars 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go to the beach which i have only done once this summer because i had a major fucking breakdown after going and it made me not want to go for a while

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

not going outside oop legit just staying inside and watching netflix im a loser

28. five songs to describe you?

i am too lazy to find 5 songs to describe me can i just put yeah! by usher

29. best way to bond with you?

show me pictures of literally any of your animals and i will cry

30. places that you find sacred?

what is this even supposed to mean im confused

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

another question im confused by i will wear sweatpants and a t shirt

32. top five favorite vines?

- lets go to the beach each... ninki minjaj

- godzilla seems like a nice man i, i just wanna take him to red robin

- road work ahead... uh yeah i sure hope it does

- you spilt lipstick in my valentino white bag????

- look at all those chickens!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

me going “oop”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

idk i dont watch much tv or anything to get them stuck but i constantly have pewdiepie’s tuber simulator ad at the end of his videos in a loop in my head

35. average time you fall asleep?

it can be anywhere between 11-7 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

uhhh idk probably like a minecraft meme or something i have pea sized brain i dont recall

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade babey

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

lemon cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

... pen stabbing

41. last person you texted?

audrey?? maybe idk

42. jackets pockets or pants pockets?

pants pockets are weak always jackets pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket, or bomber jacket?

i LIVE in my jean jacket during fall and winter so i would say that

44. favorite scent for soap?

i am a whore for anything vanilla scented

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

i’d say a hoodie and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

CHEDDAR

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

watermelon

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i heard this on a tv show once and it b cheesy as fuck but i love it

“everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever had?

if im being completely tbh i dont think i have ever laughed as hard as i did after anything cat said on the phone the other day

51. current stresses?

everyone in the groupchat has me stressing ab my future 

52. favorite font?

i dont fucking know????? times roman point size 12 double spaced - mrs. christina

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they are pretty freaking cold

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i learned how to fold t shirts properly and to always be scared of men

55. favorite fairy tale?

the little mermaid

56. favorite tradition?

uhh idk anything involving christmas

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

- getting clean from self harm

- coming to the conclusion my dad won’t be there for me

- that i can’t control everything in my life which i still b working on

58. four talents your proud of having?

- i can paint pretty well

- makeup

- kind of can dance

- i cant think of a fourth oop

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

skskkskskskskskks and i oop!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

never have i watched anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN

62. seven characters you relate to?

this takes too long all i can say is i relate to stiles stillinski on a different level

63. five songs that you would play in your club?

can this stop making me list things i dont have the fucking patience i would play hotel room service by pitt bull and thats it

64. favorite website from your childhood?

animal jam was my shit

65. any permanent scars?

well the thing is yes the thing is i would rather not speak of them

66. favorite flower(s)?

sunflowers

67. good luck charms?

i dont rlly have any

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

i tried these dill pickle flavored chips and wanted to vomit

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

i don’t know many fun facts i small brained

70. left or right handed?

right handed

71. least favorite pattern?

i dont rlly dislike any patterns

72. worst subject?

math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i will eat almost anything with hot sauce so i guess that

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 

at least a 5 or a 6

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

when i was 6

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

french fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

i had cacti for like 2 years but they died,, may they rest in peace

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

considering i don’t eat sushi or any kind of fish i would have to go with coffee

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i don’t have a license so i guess school ID

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies

82. pc or console?

pc

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i am a whore for mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

bugs

88. your greatest wish?

to be a fucking cowboy

89. who would you put before everyone else?

i think u already know the answer to that

90. luckiest mistake?

my mistakes don’t end up lucky

91. boxes or bags?

boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

christmas lights but all year long

93. nicknames?

jill, jilly bean, jillie, jilly pops (that one is cat), beans, dumb bitch

94. favorite season

FALL BABEY

95. favorite app on your phone?

instagram probably

96. desktop background?

considering this is not my computer,, it is just default

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

i have one memorized and it is mine

98. favorite historical era?

i like the one with the dinosaurs

[falllpoutboy]

1- 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

already answered 12, 52, 53

1. What is you middle name? Marie2. How old are you? 193. When is your birthday? april 74. What is your zodiac sign? aries5. What is your favorite color? purple6. What’s your lucky number? 47. Do you have any pets? fish8. Where are you from? south fl

9. How tall are you? 5′7

10. What shoe size are you? 8.5 

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? maybe 10?13. What talents do you have? being annoying counts right

14. Are you psychic in any way? oh for sure

15. Favorite song? as of rn its fake by chloe x halle16. Favorite movie? too many to chose from :(17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone smart, patient, kind, very funny18. Do you want children? yes…19. Do you want a church wedding? no20. Are you religious? no21. Have you ever been to the hospital? only as a visitor22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? no23. Have you ever met any celebrities? yes24. Baths or showers? showers25. What color socks are you wearing? grey26. Have you ever been famous? no?27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? no god theres no privacy when your famous28. What type of music do you like? pop, alternative, r&b

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? no30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 131. What position do you usually sleep in? back32. How big is your house? big enough

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? eggs and toast or cereal

34. Have you ever fired a gun? no35. Have you ever tried archery? no36. Favorite clean word? every other word37. Favorite swear word? FUCK!38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? oh no thats not me lol i sleep everyday39. Do you have any scars? yes40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? no?41. Are you a good liar? yes42. Are you a good judge of character? i’d like to think so43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? yes44. Do you have a strong accent? no45. What is your favorite accent? none46. What is your personality type? ENFP i think47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? since i thrift now its gonna have to be my gryffindor sweater that i got in freshman year it was $32 i think48. Can you curl your tongue? yes49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie  

50. Left or right handed? right51. Are you scared of spiders? not of the small ones54. Are you a clean or messy person? both55. Most used phrased? “whew chile”56. Most used word? “literally”57. How long does it take for you to get ready? at most 10 minutes58. Do you have much of an ego? no59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? suck60. Do you talk to yourself? yes61. Do you sing to yourself? sometimes62. Are you a good singer? no63. Biggest Fear? being negatively remembered, etc64. Are you a gossip? yes65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? probably infinity war lol66. Do you like long or short hair? long67. Can you name all 50 states of America? yes68. Favorite school subject? english or social studies69. Extrovert or Introvert? ambivert70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no71. What makes you nervous? usually my anxiety lol or just me overthinking shit72. Are you scared of the dark? no73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? yes74. Are you ticklish? yes75. Have you ever started a rumor? no76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? no77. Have you ever drank underage? yes78. Have you ever done drugs?  no

79. Who was your first real crush? some boy named alek in the 4th grade80. How many piercings do you have? my ears81. Can you roll your Rs?“ no82. How fast can you type? pretty fast83. How fast can you run? even faster84. What color is your hair? dark maroon, p much black85. What color is your eyes? brown86. What are you allergic to? nothing87. Do you keep a journal? used to88. What do your parents do? teacher and contractor89. Do you like your age? yes90. What makes you angry? injustice, simple things, my depression, etc91. Do you like your own name? yes92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? yes greek/roman god names like venus, athena, 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? girl94. What are you strengths? my humor, loyalty, faithfulness, caring95. What are your weaknesses? lazy, too cautious, i can get annoying and i dont know when to stop, 96. How did you get your name? my mom thought it was a nice name lol97. Were your ancestors royalty? in africa sure98. Do you have any scars? on my legs mostly thanks to eczema99. Color of your bedspread? mustard yellow100. Color of your room? mint and orange i didnt choose it, my dad did 😔😒

#darrthvader #asks #about me

[depression-for-the-dudes]

My name is Simeon, I’m 28, mixed race and I have depression.

Hi guys,

I don’t know where to start, so this may be a random splurge of words until I really get into it, so I do apologise in advance.

I’ve had depression and anxiety ever since I can remember. I mean that literally.

I didn’t know what it was when I was a child, I thought it was normal to be scared of everything and to be sad and to cry, but as I got older, and I mean a lot older, I realised that it’s not. I didn’t need to be happy all of the time, just not hopelessly sad. I only really levelled out when I was 25 and met my gorgeous Fiancee, but it is still a daily struggle.

I have a depression diary, which is a leather bound book with thick cotton pages and a Fountain Pen. I write Fountain Pen in capitals because it’s an important object to me. That fountain pen has been the instrument of which my sadness and insanity has flowed through for a number of years. I bought a nice leather bound book that smells of leather and makes a scratchy noise when I write. It has a brass clasp on the front and a spiral design, because I felt that it can’t just be a regular book that I write my crap into. My thoughts and feelings. It needs to be special, it needs to be...symbolic. It needed to feel like an ancient spell book (I know, fucking lame but it helped ever so slightly) and it needed to feel as though I was locking away some ancient and terrible evil and sealing it.

Didn’t work so much, but in my more sanguine moments, it’s nice to read through it and think, I got through this. I can get through it next time. And when I’m having a “Bad one” as I call them, I sometimes look through the book and realise, I don’t feel as bad as I did then, which helps me feel slightly better, and if I feel worse than I did then, then I write it in the book for next time. 

If you’re reading this, then I feel that maybe you’re in the same boat as me. You’re a man who struggles to find peace in life and feel that it’s not okay to talk about these things. You’re non-white and you don’t have the support from your community that you maybe feel that white people have. You’re older and feel that you haven’t quite shook your teen angst? Maybe you’re none of these things and just feel like critiquing my awful punctuation and writing. I just hope that maybe in all of my ramblings, I help one person with something.

This whole thing stemmed from being sick and tired of it. By it I mean the depression, but I never used to. for a long period of my life I was suicidal. I came so close a couple of times. One time I tried to hang myself in my local park but at 6 foot 6 and over 300lbs, it was difficult to find the right tree, which in turn made me laugh to the point of tears. I used to be a bit of a mess.

Right, so where to start. 

So the reason I’m writing this blog is because this week I’ve been feeling bad. Not my lowest, but bad and for absolutely no reason. At the moment my life is bloody brilliant. I have a good job, I’m engaged to my perfect woman, my family life is great, so why do I suddenly feel like this? I used to think that there was something playing on my mind, and whatever it was, was the reason for me feeling this bad. But now....pfft, damned if I know. So I started to look online, I searched Youtube as well as various other sites, and you know what? I couldn’t find a single person like me who had written a blog, or is on Youtube. Now maybe I’m not looking in the right places, but I shouldn’t have to trawl the internet looking for help. There are so many of these written or filmed by 18-30 year old women (of all colours and creed) or older men or seemingly more effeminate men (I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone in saying that). I am a CIS Gender man. I cannot be mistaken for anything other than a “manly man” in person. As previously mentioned, I’m 6 foot 6, I used to do boxing and play American Football (As an Englishman this is almost heresy because I chose that over rugby, but there is a reason, which I will go into in another post on another day). I used to love drinking, going out, having banter and pulling women. Again, I feel that a lot of people reading this will consider me to be a HYPER-MASCULINE BRUTE AND EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. But you know what. We have mental health issues too and we feel that it’s wrong and weak to talk about these things. To admit that there is in fact something wrong with us under the surface. Especially in the Black community.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but in the UK, October is Black history month. A fun story actually, well not fun but y’know. I went to a secondary school called Castle Vale Comprehensive. Now Castle Vale (The area in which I grew up) fifteen years ago wasn’t the most racially diverse place in the UK, in total in my whole school I think that there were around twenty of us (None white) give or take a few. Now, I mention this fact because during black history month at school all of the black and mixed race kids were taken out of class to learn about black history. Not me. When I asked a teacher why I wasn’t included in this, I was told that I’m not black, I’m asian. As a mixed race person, my skin tone isn’t exactly like that of most mixed race people, I’m a lot darker, with a very straight nose (Which Ironically, I get from my black father). This hurt. A lot. I remember arguing and shouting about it which I think got me my first suspension from school. My parents were obviously furious and went down to the school to complain, but the suspension held and by the time that I went back to school all of the black history stuff had finished. I have had this kind of thing my entire life from both the black and white community. Even when a lot of people know that I’m mixed race, they’ve still shunned me. Either because I’m not black enough and they don’t want to know me, or because I’m a “Filthy half-breed”,  or because my parents are race traitors (These are from black people by the way).

I have been treated slightly better by white people but still treated badly and had my feelings on the matter disregarded. I work in a very “White” industry and environment and the subject once came up about Gollywogs, I don’t know if anybody remembers those toys of a black guy, with big red lips and fuzzy hair. I said that they’re racist. Everybody in my office told me that I’m being overly sensitive and that when I’ve really started arguing that I’m being overly aggrssive. Or when somebody calls me coloured, or makes a nigger joke, that I’m acting as though I have a chip on my shoulder, and no amount of talking can change this. I’ve tried to get people to see it from my point of view but they all just laugh it off. How do you deal with this kind of stuff? Know what I mean?

A big point of my life, aside from my colour, has been my size. I’m six foot six. Thats 198cm. Just under 2 meters. I’m a big old boy. I’ve had to learn to tailor myself to the world so that I don’t appear threatening or hostile. Do you know how exhausting that has been? Having to make sure that I always have either a neutral face or a smile. Or making sure that I don’t shout or speak too loudly for fear of offending somebody. I remember once, down an alley next to my parents house there is a cut through alley as they live down a cul-de-sac, which cuts a solid 10-20 minute walk off your journey, I was walking home up the cul-de-sac, and a woman was walking down it. She was about half way down when she saw me and turned around and hurriedly walked in the opposite direction. Can you understand how hurtful that is? I mean to be perceived as a threat for aboslutely no reason. People regularly say in jest “Oh I wouldn’t want to mess with you” “I wouldn’t want to meet you down a dark alley” “I wouldn’t want to have a go at you” etc. Which is obviously a joke, but fuck me is it tiring. I will admit it’s been helpful at times when I’m out and I can stop a situation escalating, or helping people out of situations, but at the same time, the sheer amount of trouble that my size and colour has gotten me into is ridiculous. The number of physical fights I’ve had with people who want to have a go on the biggest guy in the room, or the “Biggest nigger they’ve ever seen”. Now, thankfully I learned relatively early on to handle myself, but I still hate it.

I hate that due to all of these factors, I need to restrain myself so that people don’t get worried around me, or scared. If your average person has an anxiety attack, people will help, not me. It looks like I’m going crazy, a giant crazy black guy. Or if a small white woman shouts at somebody, it’s okay, but if I do it, I’m the villain of the piece (I know I shouldn’t shout at people but it’s an example).

my dad has taught me a lot in my life, but I think the most useful thing he ever taught me was how to smile. I don’t mean that in a “Always look on the bright side of life” kind of way, I mean it in a he sat me in front of a mirror and showed me how to smile the right way, so that people would see me a certain way. So that people would see me as genuine and charming, so that people wouldn’t see me as moody and threatening. This smile has helped me in thousands of situations. I know it sounds ridiculous but to have a mask readily available is a godsend sometimes. Plus I have been told that I do have a nice smile.

My parents have always been there for me...mostly been there for me.  They thought that I was just an angry angsty teen, and it was only later in life they realised that something was actually wrong with me. We