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lumentears · 3 years

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Bloodborne NPCs rated by how well they would treat me on a date, from worst to best

Gascoigne's daughters obviously excluded.

21. Suspicious beggar

Listen, I know we all want a gentleman in the streets and a beast in the sheets, but we literally find him hunched over eating some people meat, and honestly, I'd rather you just take me to Denny's.

Rating: Even I, as a monsterfucker, must decline.

20. Skeptical man

I bet he would spend the entire time telling me about his upstart cheap funeral business. Scratch that, he'd take me to his upstart cheap funeral business and expect me to be impressed by his predatory installment payments and hidden fees.

Rating: No, I don't think buy-one-get-one-free is appropriate here, my guy.

19: Lonely old woman

I don't want to come off like a DARE-enthusiast but she literally needs sedatives in order to treat my like a human being. If you're going to need to pop some pills to stand the sight of me, I don't think we're right for each other.

Rating: Winners don't do drugs or something

18: Patches the Spider

Now, not to victim blame myself in this hypothetical situation, but with Patches, you know what you're getting into. You don't date a guy called Patches the Spider expecting him to be your one. You expect him to be the one that leaves you with the bill at an expensive restaurant.

Rating: Sends the most pathetic apology texts.

17: Old Hunter Yamamura

Big conspiracy theory vibes on this guy. Not neccessarily harmful, but you just can't keep a conversation going with a man who insists on reading you his conspiracy themed slam poetry.

Rating: Bad dates are a curse, and a curse is a shackle.

16: Iosefka, the real one

Please remember that this list is only concerned with the datability of the NPC, not how cute I personally find them. And, sadly, I think Iosefka gives off big married to her job vibes. Lots of so sorry, i got swamped at the clinic texts at 8pm while I've been inhaling free breadsticks at the Yharnam olive garden with nobody to stop me and only the pity of the staff for company as I insist my date will show up any second now.

Rating: *shoving old memes into my purse* I have to leave immediately

15: Provost Willem

It's Friends reruns at his place or nothing with this dude. Will not get up from his comfy chair and you'll have to find the snacks at his house on your own.

Rating: "Fear the old blood"? Not very adventurous of you.

14: Fauxsefka

Very hot and cold. I am 100 % aware that any date with Fauxsefka is going to end with me being experimented upon, but until then, I'll be in for a delightfully sinister night. The most unselfaware evil date of them all.

Rating: "Don't worry...I'll be with you for the rest of your life."

13: Vileblood Hunter Alfred

Yeah, yeah, I know he's dreamy. I just don't have the energy to listen to a guy who's clearly still hung up on his ex. I don't want to compete with a dude named Martyr Logarius.

Rating: Looking for a martyr in your relationship just doesn't seem healthy to me.

12: Brador

He's got the YA bad boy vibes. Just look at his laid-back lean, his long hair, his antlers...

Imagine going out to do whatever YA bad boys do on a date...smoking in public and heckling skaters at a skatepark or something, only to find out that the dude you're on a date with used to be an assassin for the church. What are you going to talk about now? Can you even ask questions anymore? What he lets something slip you weren't supposed to know and now he has to kill you?

Rating: 20 questions is probably off the table.

11: Annalise, queen of the vilebloods

She's always a tad distant, don't you think? Like yes, I will take the 5 bad leftist points and admit sometimes thinking about being courted by a queen like in the good old times is big sexy, but in reality as long as she insists I kneel before talking to her we'll never see eye to eye.

Rating: Also she canonically rejects you after offering her the ring of betrothal and I don't think I can handle that.

10: Valtr

Not a bad guy, per se. Definitely has the influence to take me somewhere nice. I'm just very uncomfortable by the fact that he apparently has never heard of trapping the vermin under a glass and putting it outside. Valtr, you don't have to kill the wiggly blood centipede because it's gross!

Rating: Fake date scheme: Instead of calling an exterminator, fake date a hunter.

9: Adella the Nun

It pains me very much to say this, but realistically, Adella probably wouldn't be the best date. You'd ask her where she wanted to go and she'd be all like "oh, I don't mind as long as it's with you" and you'd be left thinking "what a nice sentiment, but we've been dating for five months and I still don't know anything about your interests!"

Rating: Voted most likely to say I love you on the first date.

8: Simon the Harrowed

A tad gossipy. He would be all like "Do you know why this Six Flags was closed last summer? Apparently two kids got flung out of the roller coaster only two months apart, and all they did over the summer was raise the minimum age of that coaster." Like, thanks for the fun facts but do you think you could have chosen literally any other point in time to divulge it than when we were being strapped in for the roller coaster ride?

7: Retired Hunter Djura

A compassionate man! Also a man that would have his house filled with a shit ton of animals he rescued, and would introduce you to each and every one. That's cute and all, but you're never quite sure if he actually knows what he's doing with all these animals.

Rating: Do...do you have a license to keep that alligator?

6: The Doll

Makes you the best tea. Actually, she would take you on the best date, but there'd always be something missing. I'd always be wondering if she isn't just mirroring what she thinks I'd want out of a date.

Rating: Don't mind me spiralling over the moral implications of dating the doll.

5: Saint Adeline

She's kind, gentle and incredibly sweet. She'd also mention some fucked up self-depricating thing about herself or her past so offhandedly that you wouldn't even know where to begin to talk about it, and she's dropped that verbal bomb like it's nothing, but it would leave you a tad uncomfortable nevertheless.

Rating: Hold up. Wait. Just a second. You know it's not healthy to refer to yourself as nothing, right?

4: Gilbert

We're both outsiders in a city that's notably very unfriendly towards outsiders. There's so much to bond over, and we could help each other with our respective troubles! Sadly, he is in the process of turning into a beast, but he's being safe about it and everything!

Rating: Suspicious beggar wishes he were you.

3: Arianna, Woman of the Night

If common theories are to be believed, she really is the best of both worlds: Descended of the Vilebloods but also one of us common folk. And she's got a stable income, honestly, what can't this woman do? Of course, there's the whole eldritch pregnant with an alien baby situation, but honestly, it's your loss if you're not up to it.

Rating: What more can I say but MILFBACAL (mother i'd like to fuck but also cherish and love)?

2: Oedon Chapel Dweller

Seems to me like a real picnic date person. Definitely has some moments of uncomfortable self-deprecation as well, but I think they just need some support in order to get the help they need to find their way out of those patterns.

Rating: Hands just the right size to hold.

1: Eileen the Crow

She's just got it figured out. Of all of the Bloodborne NPCs, she's the one who's got her life together, well, as together as one can have their life in Yharnam. She's got a stable job, she knows when to quit, and even if she's grouchy about it, she will accept help when she needs it. She's an outsider too, but she's also got plenty of experience in Yharnam and in life in general.

Rating: Sweep me off my feet any time!

#bloodborne #saint adeline #eileen the crow #plain doll #vileblood hunter alfred #yes i am tagging only the guys who i think will net the most people looking at this post #i spend way to much time on my shitpost to not make everyone look at them #technically blood saint apologism

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pastel9girlbunny000die · 3 years

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Age Gap... AU

Part 1

One Piece The Monster trio~

♡The characters are all between 27-29 unless said otherwise

♡The s/o is between 16-18

Warning: ...Kissing and Cuddles? PDA and nakedness, smoking and drinking

***

Monkey D. Luffy🍖

🍖Dating a younger s/o has never really been a problem or something bad for Luffy

🍖Cause his more of a child than you are.

🍖People outside of your friend group always assumed that you guys are good friends or relatives.

🍖When Luffy's friends found out you two where dating, they we're really supportive and made you feel part of a great social group... better than the poeple you hang out at school

🍖Same with Luffy's family. They accepted you as part of the family without hesitation, but still trying to wrap their heads around how you two even started dating???

🍖Umm ugh... Your family not so much... Your parents weren't very happy about you dating an older guy like Luffy.

🍖It made them worry

🍖But! You did reinsurer them it's was all fine. He has a decent job makes enough to support a family has a nice cozy home and a loving personality.

🍖it got them off your back for a while~

🍖Buttttttt~😏

🍖when it comes to Luffy's looks, he looks pretty young for his age already reaching his late twenties.

🍖When telling others that your in fact dating doing all the sweet loving couples stuff, they believe you since he looks like an older classmate from your school.

🍖But when you tell then his infact an working adult... they don't believe you, they just take it as a bad joke.

🍖You never ask your meat brain for help with homework cause you might start fooling around instead of doing it, if his presence is around you during school work or studying.

🍖Luffy doesn't really care about age since he loves you for who you are rather than what age gender or colours you are.

🍖And he does it unconditionally.

🍖He loves it when you cook a big meat feast for a king! or you randomly give him cuddles or cheeks kisses. It makes his heart beat exstra fast and butterfly's fluttering all around in his stomach.

🍖Luffy introduced you to a lot of new food and you love most of the dishes. But also found a few new food allergies you never knew you had.

🍖Let's just say you know the hospital staff pretty well now.

🍖Small loving touches like these matters a lot to him like all the little things you do for him. It makes him extremely happy.

🍖PDA 😏*Public display of affection*

🍖Luffy doesn't mind holding hands or little pecks here and there in public.

🍖But holding his hand comes with consequences... be prepared to be dragged from placed to place in a public shopping mall or market cause he won't let go when he runs from food course to food course.

🍖But when it comes to PDA kissing, he only allows the quick peck on the lips or cheeks he doesn't do the long make out session. His not one to sit still in one place for too long.

🍖His your man child after all.

Roronoa Zoro ⚔

⚔Zoro doesn't care.

⚔He dates you cause you are you.

⚔He has never been really the one to judge based on looks but when he met you he saw nothing but the most beautiful thing in the world.

⚔He has a really direct personality and isn't really the one to talk much or too clingy.

⚔Zoro doesn't have a solid job he switches from part time to part time, and one of his joba is the reason he met his s/o.

⚔He got lost on his way too your school and ended up bumping into you, literally.

⚔He nicely asked for directions and you gladly let him tag along with you, even though he sometimes turns the wrong way.

⚔It turned out he applied as a substitute teacher for a month at the boys kendo club.

⚔So you had a lot of time getting to know each other 😏~

⚔Other than that he hit it off pretty well with his s/o. From hanging out at school during lunch, to after school and weekends.

⚔That's how you ended up asking him out on a date.

(Definitely demanding to pick him up!!!)

⚔Than started dating. You later on met his group of friends which surprised you though to him not being a kind of person to hang out with a loud bunch but thier his life long friends and good people, you ended up liking them quicker than your school friends.

⚔Zoro's parents have already passed away and his is the only child so it was sad that you didn't get to meet his family and thank them for making this hard working lovable idiot.

⚔It took you awhile to work up the courage to let your family meet Zoro. It's not that you care about if they liked him or not all you wanted to know if they'll let you be with him and keep loving your marimo.

⚔Their reactions where priceless. But they were okay with it. Since they knew the swordsman from high school and he wouldn't do anything to seriously hurt you.

⚔Telling others that you and Zoro are indeed a couple is weird to them he has a bleak personality and a horrible attitude along with him being in his late 20s.

⚔You on the other hand are sunshine and rainbows all the time full of energy and always positive.

⚔How does that mix?

⚔In public you guys always gets mistaken for father and daughter/Son. But you brush it off and claiming your a couple.

⚔Which surprised them but they don't push further though to Zoro sending them glares.

⚔One thing you love about Zoro is taking little naps together. Anywhere the couch, bed, floor, bath tub anywhere you start cuddling him he'll fall asleep on you a few minutes after you'd follow.

⚔He tought you Kendo. And let's say you got a new hobby.

⚔You once asked him to help you with homework. Next day you came in with the excuse, "Ma'am my dog ate my homework."

⚔Zoro loves you with all his heart sometimes he can't help but feel like he doesn't deserve you or his holding you back?

⚔But you reinsurer him with him is the happiest you have felt in you life.

⚔PDA 😳*Public display of affection*

⚔His not really good with affection but he doesn't push you off when you want a hug or two maybe even kisses he will allow it.

⚔His also not clinging kind of guy. So waking around in public he won't hold your hand but he will put an arm around your neck.

⚔And in return one of your hands slips into the back pocket of his jeans giving you the opportunity to squeeze his ass whenever you desire.

⚔He let's it slide. With a tiny blush.

⚔While walking around in any public place you always keep an exstra eye on him (like a parent making sure not to lose thier kid in a large place).

⚔Your more relaxed when his arm is around you meaning you'll be near him at all times. But when his not your six sense activate to mama bear mode all eyes on him at every second.

⚔In one day at the mall you caught him almost mindlessly walking off in a random direction or out the store.

⚔You had to chase after him.

⚔PDA Kissing😚~ Like I said he doesn't mind it but when he gets a little drunk he full on gets you sucked into a full blown make out session he doesn't care where. In public, at home, in you home, out with his/your friends even near your parents. Nothing gets in his ways of what he wants.

⚔Not even your embarrassment.

⚔After all your stuck with your Marimo.

Sanji Vinsmoke 🚬

🚬Sanji is a complete different case than the other two mentioned above.

🚬He's a hopeless romantic.

🚬First time you met him he was dress as a okama. A first expression you'll never forget, For awhile you wonder who that woman was and thought you'll never cross paths again

🚬Destiny proofed you wrong.

🚬You met him again at the Baratie one of the most famous restaurants in town.

🚬In the end you guys talked the night away, you probably interacted with him more than the poeple you came with.

🚬Later on he invites you for a free homemade meal, personally made by him.

🚬He also gave you his number~ 😚😏

🚬That's how you met.

🚬And later on you two became closer there was just this unique thing about Sanji that made you like him more.

🚬Yes he treats woman with the at most respect and kindness, randomly complements any woman he comes across.

🚬Like a true gentleman.

🚬But in his eyes you felt different. He flirts more with you, he does small sweet things for you.

🚬And don't forget the mouthwatering lunch boxes you get to take school.

🚬Sanji spoils his s/o with a lot of affection he can't go a day without a hug or kiss, if he doesn't get either one of them he will genuinely worry.

🚬Sanji thinks it's cute that your younger than him, it gives him more of a responsibility vibe when his near you.

🚬He practically treats his young s/o like the rightful queen/King they are.

🚬But that doesn't mean his a little negative when it came to his age, his not that old reaching his late 20s, he has his doubts.

🚬But when he has these bad thoughts you can see it on his face, it made you sad that he thinks you'd leave him for someone younger.

🚬Your response is making him some nice relaxing hot tea and cuddle him in a blanket whispering sweet words of love to him

🚬It lights his mood a bit.

🚬From time to time, Sanji's s/o gets jealous by the way he treats other women, you could be a little selfish just wanting him to only look at you in that way.

🚬You weren't surprised when you met his friends they care about Sanji as much as you did, they also loved you, finally happy that he got a lover so they could stop hearing his complaints about his single life.

🚬And they kinda use him for free meals. Especially Luffy the leader of their little friends group he always whines for meat, it kinda cute.

🚬You can't really ask Sanji for help in school work/homework, his a high school dropout. And the only thing he can actually help with is cooking classes which you hate. But at least your grades picked up in that class

🚬Sanji never let's you meet his biological family, he forbids the topic and avoids it at all cost. But couldn't wait for you to meet Zeff his adopted father, he literally dragged you to his childhood home to meet the old geezer.

🚬Zeff took you in the moment he met you and treated you like his own daughter/son, he also said "Finally I can rest in peace knowing you won't die alone." At Sanji.

🚬Which result in a small argument.

🚬Like Sanji you refuse to let him meet your parents, afraid they won't accept the relationship and force you apart. So you always give him the excuse that you want to wait or not ready yet.

🚬He respect your decision, and won't interfere or go behind your back. If you can wait so will he.

🚬Buttttttttt😱

🚬One night your Dad/Father decided that the family should go out to eat, give your mom/mother a little break from cooking.

🚬You agree to go aswell. Without knowing which restaurant.

🚬Guess where you went😏

🚬Yes... The Baratie!!!

🚬Your soul left your body. I mean Sanji should be off right ? Right ? Its weekend.

🚬But it got worse when you saw a glimpse of him in the kitchen and your eyes meet.

🚬What go worst that your Mom/Mother took a seat in Sanji's section of the restaurant.

🚬Meaning he will serve you.

🚬At this point you give up and just let it be, tonight your life as well as your relationship will come crashing down.

🚬Mindlessly sitting down, at that moment Sanji came bursting through the kitchen doors like a tornado heading towards you

🚬Wrapped his arms around you kissing you all over your face, right in front of your family.

🚬They where far beyond shock.

🚬By the time Sanji let's go of you, you looked like a morning person who just got out of bed, hair messy clothes messy and a blank look on your face.

🚬It didn't take long for them to start drowning you with questions.

🚬In the end you made sure to tell them,

"Mom/Mother Dad/Father, this is Sanji his the head chef of the Baratie, his also m-my boyfriend."

🚬Your mom/Mother got offended that your dating a professional cook, that is most likely better at cooking than her.

🚬Your Dad got offended that your dating someone older close to his age. (He can't really give the if you hurt my little girl/boy I will end you speech, the blonde must've heard it for a long time and just wouldn't be treated by it.)

🚬But they saw how worried you looked holding Sanji's hand tightly, the blonde seemed ready to start a argument if they would be against you two.

🚬In the end they smiled and nodded.

🚬Sanji and his s/o couldn't be more happy as instant took over and you two kissed passionately and long.

🚬Your Dad/Father had to clear his throat reminding you where you are.

🚬You broke apart blushing.

🚬It all ended up happy.

🚬Telling your parents weren't easy but now that you know that thier okay with your relationship made it easier to tell others.

🚬Let me tell you, Yes Sanji is older than you and everyone can tell that by his looks, so they just assume you guys are relatives or brothers/brother and sister.

🚬Sanji always corrects them, Your his lover not family member.

🚬That's when they turn to you asking if his black mailing you.

🚬You just simply say "No."

🚬You don't need to give others an explanation, knowing you two love each other very much.

🚬Despise Sanji's appearance you ignore his good looking hot abs and body and turn to his eyebrows and personally others make fun of how unnatural they are but they are the most lovable features on him that you like the most.

🚬Sanji smokes, and yes you know that. You never complain or ask him to stop, but you did ask him why he does, he simply just said "I started to smoke to piss off the geezer, I was just a stupid teenager at the time."

🚬You don't like cooking so that kinda got Sanji down, but you didn't mind helping out once in awhile.

🚬You love make overs dressing up and looking pretty. Which made him happy that he can share his okama side with you, you love doing his make up. aswell as styling his blonde wig.

🚬That's how he brought you to meet Iva one of his friends at the kamabakka night club.

🚬You really enjoyed it there and all the others you met.

🚬It was really fun seeing Sanji in his more feminine side and dress as a girl.

🚬It made you happy that he even share his most inner self with you.

🚬Sanji is really happy that you accept and love him for who he is.

🚬PDA *Public display of affection*

🚬Sanji is all over you hand holding, kissing, hugging even making out.

🚬He let's you hold hands and doesn't mind random kisses on his cheeks but he personally prefers his mouth over his cheeks.

🚬PDA kissing 😏~ One thing he loves is being taller than you, so when you want to give affection by kissing you have to stand on you tip toes and only able to reach his jawline.

🚬So you just kiss him from his jaw to his collarbone. Secretly leaving a mark😏~

🚬But when you go out with him dress as a Okama he doesn't let you kiss him much or hold hands but he doesn't mind locking arms with you.

🚬Just to know you're near, and save.

🚬He has one hell of a kick, You found out that out when you guys went out to a bar with Iva and some of his other friends (You didn't drink, being a minor and all but you did have a glass of soda or water).

🚬At some point Sanji got up to use the bathroom. And when he got back he saw a drunk guy harassing his s/o

🚬So with one hit he kicked the living hell out of the guy. (It didn't ended well for that guy, must've hurt more with the high heels boots Sanji's was wearing kicked him😵)

🚬And Sanji angrily dragged his s/o home early.

🚬It surprised you since Sanji wasn't really violent around you much, but knowing he'd even get into a fight to protect you. Made you happy and felt loved. He is the blonde cook you fell in love with after all.

***

#One piece #fanfic #male reader #fem reader #monkey d luffy #roronoa zoro #sanji vinsmoke #luffy #Zoro #Sanji #One piece fanfic #anime

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