#lmao this turned into some really deep catharsis post

[genericpuff]

Omg hiiii, I absolutely love Rekindled! You're so talented, and the story you're making for Persephone is so intriguing! A lot more than whatever trashfire Lore Olympus has become.

That being said, what was the moment you stopped liking LO Persephone? Have you always disliked her, or was it gradual? Or just a specific moment that made you go "yeaaaaah.. she's not it ;-;"

(And bonus question if I can ask, but how do you draw hands?? I hate them with a passion, but unfortunately hands are pretty necessary T^T)

aahhh thank you so much!!!

honestly, I was a pretty big fan of LO up until the trial arc. Like, you've all seen me hate this comic with a fiery passion, but the only reason I'm able to do that is because before I hated this comic, I loooved this comic. I'd literally be counting down the hours until new updates, I loved the art, and I was too smitten by the appeal of the series to notice its writing problems, I just loved the romantic drama and the H x P ship, and yes, I loved Persephone, I loved her design, her personality, and I felt so 'seen' by her struggles, both with her trying to pave a path for herself and the SA plotline. I was even (regrettably) one of those people who would lurk in the antiLO tags and think "wow, these people are dumb, can't they see how brilliantly written this is ?? they're nitpicking!"

But then the trial arc happened which involved writing a plot that didn't put the romance front and center anymore - now that Rachel had to actually write something complex and logic-driven, the blinders started to fall off and I went wait... maybe Rachel doesn't know what she's doing. Persephone choosing her own lawyer? And it's Hades, one of the judges? Why are they suddenly establishing Thanatos as Hades' adoptive son? I'm not a lawyer, but I know that's not how any of this works and it really tipped me off that something was amiss, that Persephone was having all of her solutions conveniently handed to her on a platter and all of the other characters were suddenly being made to look like assholes just to make Hades and Persephone the heroes.

And then... Eris happened.

See, one of the things I loved most in the story was Persephone's character arc concerning the Act of Wrath. I write stories about characters with dark "personas" all of the time. So it was something I had frame of reference for, I really loved the premise of Persephone earning her name through this act of violence and while it was dashed with the opening of S2 revealing it was "all an accident", I was excited to see how the trial arc would bring about new information and confirm who was telling the truth about what "really happened" with the Act of Wrath. If the courtroom drama wasn't gonna be realistic, I could at least hope for some good 'OBJECTION!' reveal that would finally put to rest once and for all what really happened, and maybe Kore would finally embrace this 'dark side' she had.

So for the actual twist to suddenly reveal itself as... 'actually, this one goddess we've never mentioned before blessed you with wrath. why? idk she just did. anyways she's the reason you have wrath and that's what made you commit the act of wrath. problem solved.'

And that was where the twisting of 'faith' happened. When I went through the subconscious realization of , "Oh no, Rachel doesn't know what she's doing and it took me this long to notice. Oh no, maybe those antiLO freaks had a point-"

That said, there was a glimmer of hope in the midseason finale. Persephone was sentenced to remain in the Mortal Realm to carry out her mother's duties and I thought, "great! This will be Persephone's Rocky moment! She'll have to prove herself without the help of Demeter or Hades! This is gonna be awesome!!" During the hiatus, I was VERY excited to see where the story was going, I still had so much hope and I figured the mishandling of the trial arc was just a bump in the road. The series was still good, it was just going through a rough patch, these things happen.

And then it came back and it all went downhill from there. There was a 10 year time skip with very little insight as to what happened. Minthe and Daphne were just suddenly back to normal. They were referencing some food shortage or terrible event that happened during Persephone's reign that they never explained in explicit detail. And now, all of a sudden, Persephone was just returning to the Underworld, where Kronos had suddenly taken over. I had cautious optimism but throughout it, I was really seeing the cracks that were already forming opening wide. A lot of what I had to say wasn't positive anymore, I literally couldn't understand what the reasoning was behind these writing decisions and I couldn't find myself rooting for Persephone anymore, everything just seemed to convenient and easy for her to make her seem like the "strong and confident" character the comic claimed her to be.

The S2 finale was my breaking point and I think it was for a lot of other people too. That was pretty much where my 'transformation' from passionate stan to passionate critic happened, and it happened alongside the creation of the UnpopularLoreOlympus subreddit which would become my new 'home' within the community. After seeing how much the story had gone downhill, it made me realize in hindsight just how awful and one-note Persephone is, how she really never cared about anyone but herself and Hades, how her mother did, actually, have a point about her being practically groomed into a relationship with a billionaire slave driver, how she was very intentionally drawn to look like a child in ways I couldn't believe I had never noticed before, the list of "awakenings" goes on. And it sucked! It sucked to have that realization that the thing I loved wasn't just imperfect, but incredibly problematic in its writing and art choices. And just like when I loved the comic, I couldn't just let go of it, I had to understand to some degree why this happened.

It happened because Persephone was always being written as a one-note, easy to project onto self-insert character. A Wattpad protagonist. Not an actual representation of the Goddess of Spring, but a blank slate for the creator and the fans to imagine themselves as purely for the power fantasy of hooking up with a rich and abusive guy.

That was when I made my first piece of LO art intended to be an 'edit' - a redraw of Persephone's rebirth as the Dread Queen from the S2 finale, an ode to the Persephone I was hoping to see but never got. The rest from there is history.

I know I'm being SUPER dramatic about it but this was literally how it felt to go through the realization that this comic - and its characters - wasn't as good as I thought it was, and I think that's a sentiment that's shared by a lot of the 'haters' in this community. LO was a big part of my life and even some of my friendships with people, so when it went downhill, it felt like such a hit to the gut. It's still a big part of my life, albeit in the opposite direction, but I still wonder sometimes over the "what ifs", what if the series hadn't turned out this way? What if I had never realized its flaws? Rekindled is basically a love letter to those what ifs, satisfying the feelings I never got to keep with LO, and giving me a reason to count down the hours on Saturday nights again. I'm glad it's made that same impact for others, too <3

#lmao this turned into some really deep catharsis post #i never explained how to draw hands #i'll make a post about that in a bit lmaooo #this is what happens when i'm given free reign in my blog posts #i go off way too much JFDKASLFJDKSLA #but it's a story i like to tell because it reminds me why i do all this to begin with #lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lore olympus #ama #anon ama #anon ask me anything #ask me anything

[birb-tangleblog]

Do you have any fic recs for brotherhood content?

Ok so! I feel like there's a decent amount of fics that include the Brotherhood out there, but full disclosure- I'm honestly pretty picky. So I can try! Just know that this list won't be exhaustive- and reflective of my prefs! Here we go:

on broken ribs and brethren traitors - One of my favs focusing on the relationship between Hector and Adira, and the aftermath of the Great Tree falling. Emotional beats, conflict, and catharsis I wish we’d gotten in the series. I think this is one of the few fics that captures the deep familiarity and shared history that exists between these two, and the bond that endures despite their ideological differences. Shades of angst and hurt/comfort, but with enough resolution and reconciliation to end on a hopeful note.

So Pardon the Dust & words cannot say (what I want them to say) - So both of these are actually Eugene’s POV, but touch on his relationships w/ the individual members of the Brotherhood- which is smth I hadn’t realized I wanted before, but now feel like we totally missed out on. Works that focus on the ‘negative space’ between characters are fascinating to me, and both of these accomplish that as post-humous character studies of King Edmund. Very bittersweet.  

Idt this one has a title? but it’s another one by Kingrey, and its adorable. Quirin’s relationships over the years, told through pie. Short and sweet.

Roots & its sequel, Uprooted - I feel like it’s cheating to feature these, b/c I commissioned them and had some input so... ofc they appeal to me lmao, but LEGIT they are both so good. Canon-divergent AU where Hector takes Var under his wing, and a mentor/mentee bond develops between them- but done with fidelity to Hector’s character, and the abrasiveness and hard edges that make him so interesting. An elegant take on ‘Uncle’ Hector thanks to Hic’s writing, thoughtfulness, and character voice.

Looking Through a Window & its sequel, Happy Endings Exist Only in Fairytales - Ok, this one is an OG villain!Quirin fic, from 2018, with the first one being written before S2 even premiered-  this author was a VISIONARY. I know some fans might not like fic that's been jossed or made outdated by canon, and this was published before Hector appeared and when moonsonas were just a wish- but I think it holds up really well and is still intriguing. An emotional, believable, and more subdued take on Quirin turning against the crown.

brilliant d’os - A sweet missing scene set immediately after the finale, with Var doting on his dad, Hector, and Adira. Quite fluffy, it’s literally them getting pampered and taken care of, but there’s a core to it. The descriptions of breakfast in this one remind me of an old Redwall book and make me hungry...

torche à flamme noire - Same author! Less fluffy, more angsty- of the Var and Hector variety. Grittier, but there’s a touching ending and some softness to it. Slight canon-divergent AU, set during and after the finale

everything stays (but nothing's quite the same) - Technically Quirin and Varian-focused, the other Brotherhood members don’t make an appearance- but I’m including it, because it’s nice to see a character study on Quirin as a father, with him as the POV character, and how he’s processing the events of S3. Canon-compliant. I like that this one has Quirin actively striving to become a better parent and learning to be emotionally available and present for his son.

It Wasn’t Just a Dream - LEILEEEEEIIII! I almost just linked her entire Ao3 lmao, b/c she deserves a shoutout for writing so many diff takes on these 3- but I really like the ideas in this one in particular, and the mindtrap being given a lot of gravity, recovery not happening overnight, and the exp having long-term effects on H + A’s lives. Angsty, but it’s still optimistic and healing. Somft... (also note her account features some Bhood ships.)

the outsider perspective - Another oldie, from just after the S2 premiere. A short character piece that still captures Adira’s quirks and personality nicely, and holds up well.

Memories of the Brotherhood - flashbacks mixed with scenes set in the present- glimpses of their history and conflicts, with an undercurrent of eeriness. Always cool to see formats like this.

I think there are also some good fics out there that feature parts of the trio in smaller roles or as solidly-written background/supporting characters! But I’m not including those b/c I wouldn’t quite class them as “Brotherhood” content, where they’re the focus.

I tried to think back on what I’ve read, but hopefully I didn’t miss anything obvious!

#I admittedly haven't been reading much lately vs mostly skimming/checking Ao3 occasionally #but I think it’s interesting my recs skew older- #some of that might be rose-colored glasses #but it seems like that was also before the found family tropes got sooo prevalent and heavy-handed #I feel like the range of content and alt character interpretations has... narrowed? #anyway 'Brotherhood as literal siblings' and most varieties of 'Aunt/Uncle H + A' aren’t my jam #so there aren't rly stories like that here- but many more definitely exist! #anyway this list act rly makes me wish for more fic focusing on their interactions with Cass #and more missing scenes set in S3 #or post-series content #I'm also realizing there are surprisingly few char studies on Hector huh #GOTTA BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IG :weary: #my post #text post #fanfiction #long post #the brotherhood

[haloud]

2020 Creator Wrap

Rules:  it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favourite works you  created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below  to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag  as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can  spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

tagged by @lambourngb <3

this has been an interesting year for me, creatively. lots of highs and lows. unlike last year, I didn’t participate in NaNoWriMo, but also unlike last year, I participated in a Big Bang for the first time. overall, I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a writer this year.

but when it comes to reflecting on what I’ve written this year...I don’t know. It’s hard to feel fully connected to a lot of it. Part of that is pandemic brain, part of it is me getting used to the different beast that is co-writing, part of it is imposter syndrome...it’s a many-headed beast. I have complicated feelings on all of it. Maybe it’s part of the growth process; maybe the New Year just has me feeling maudlin. But all that being said, here are my top 5 works I wrote this year.

1. To Raise A Child (series): This is cheating a little, picking a series, but I can’t just pick one fic in this series. Writing with @maeglinthebold has been such an adventure and a wonderful ray of light in this gloomy year. This series asks the adults of Roswell to step up--except Arturo, who we all know is already perfect--and follows our young heroes as they grow. It’s the longest thing I’ve ever completed, and while I obviously can’t take full credit, I’m so, so proud of everything about this story. As is evident by my ao3 page, I’ve always been a more succinct writer, and I’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy as I never seem able to turn out the long, gorgeous epics other creators I admire can. No matter how satisfied I am with my own skills, I can’t help but feel like my work is valued less because of its length. So while I am, largely, the same writer I was before, I feel a sense of security and satisfaction having completed something like this, even knowing I never could have done it alone. Also the ending of the series is perfect, just saying. Endings are hard, but this one was simple and elegant. <3

2. we were hand to glove to cuff: holy shit can you believe this fic was written this year lmao. but it was, according to ao3! I love this fic, truly. I loved digging into Alex’s headspace here, and while I look back on it with a slightly frustrated nostalgia now that canon Alex has gone in such a vastly different direction than the Alex I thought I knew after season 1...this Alex is still valid, and I love him, haha. This fic was also notable for how clear it was in my mind even before I started writing it--a rarity for me, as I usually take a more freeform approach to writing, but this one arrived fully formed and was a joy to write on every level.

3. looking for yourself out there: (rated E). ah, the peak of self indulgence, my Michael/OC fic, soon to be series. Well, I call it self indulgent, and believe me, it is, but in the end it is going to be about the journey of Michael and Alex coming back together, about both of their relationships post-season 2. but for now...this fic is just about Michael meeting a nice guy who likes him and maybe a little bit starting to realize that it’s okay to just be liked by a nice guy and like a nice guy back for a little while, without it being this star-crossed world-ending epic soul-rending thing, yknow? It was definitely fun to write, though I struggled with it. In the end, I think I really nailed Michael’s POV here as well.

4. where the love light gleams: I hesitated a bit before putting this on the list--about putting three things published back to back to back on the list, really--but in the end, i have to go with my gut. This fic was one of my most significant forays into modeling what malex’s relationship might have looked like over the lost decade, and even if it’s Christmas themed, I’m very satisfied with how I nailed the atmosphere of it all, something I struggled with a lot. Plus, the ending is super fluffy, just the kind of thing I need to imagine for malex at the end of the day <3

5. an overture bold and beyond: I mean, it’s gotta be this one, right? My Big Bang, a fix-it fic for the 2x10 bunker scene but really for the final arc of season 2 altogether, as it pertains to the emotions of Michael and Alex. When the event was first announced, I had ambitious plans for the Big Bang, much more involved, plot-heavy, lengthy stories I wanted to tackle. But as the pandemic hit, and as season 2 progressed, I changed direction several times. And I’m glad I did. I’m so, so satisfied with this story. Writing it was a catharsis I needed to move past some of the feelings I was nursing about season 2. Well, not entirely--I’m still prone to saltiness about these things--but it doesn’t hurt quite as much. I don’t feel the need to go into detail yet again about my deep dislike of the 2x10 bunker scene or how the fallout was (or rather wasn’t) handled; I’ll just say that I was left honestly struggling to even continue shipping malex or, really, with my investment in the show as a whole, I was so hurt by the direction certain character arcs were taking and the continued missteps/carelessness (in my opinion) with emotional arcs in canon. This fic was a massive reconstruction project.

Which, I mean, obviously, fic and actual real life network television are vastly different beasts. So I’m not saying by any means that I think my fic should be substituted for the actual real life 2x13. But I do think I competently and compellingly take advantage of and resolve some massive gaping holes the show left behind, and that’s a really fulfilling feeling to have about one’s own writing.

--

I feel like I could talk forever about this, about season 2 in general (so so many words), and about how I’ve felt writing and trying to write rnm in this year and in this environment (canon and fandom environment), but I’ll leave it there, and with an enormous thank you to everyone who has supported me, every friend I’ve flopped onto for help, every beta reader, every person who’s listened to me whine or gotten just as excited as me over some idea, every commentor, every kudoser, and every silent reader who I’ve touched. Thank you all so much <3

#my fic #eoy 2020 #long post

[dent-de-leon]

Hello you beautiful burning soul! I just read your glorious post about when Lio De Galon fell for each other and it was exactly what I needed. The way you put everything together was truly perfect. I noticed at the end you said you could talk for ages about how the kiss of life scene demonstrated Galo's love, so from someone who is in love with your thought process and currently trapped in a 2 week quarantine, I would truly love to hear more!

Oh thanks so much! ;; And ya I’d love to talk more about the kiss from Galo’s end,, he really is just incredibly sweet 

One thing that really defines the scene is how incredibly tender Galo is throughout the whole thing. Galo, a character otherwise portrayed as a veritable loose cannon, always running in guns blazing. He’s an action hero who’s always ready to go running to someone’s rescue or jump into a fight; he’s a very fired up and reactionary sort of person. You know, the whole “burning soul” thing--which is adorable by the way.

Promare also likes to play up the fact that Galo isn’t just someone who acts on his instincts--and I’ll say they’re often rather good instincts at that--but he also comes off as a bit oblivious. So you have scenes where he’s really well meaning, like when he’s having this open heart to heart with Aina and then rushes to go catch her when she falls. She’s his closest friend, so of course he cares about her. But he still gets caught up in seeing that Burnish streak of fire in the distance and immediately drops her on the spot, lmao. It’s not because he’s insensitive or anything, he’s just a bit scatterbrained at times and gets caught up in his own excitement and likes to go running off.

But now, compare that with how Galo treats Lio during the kiss--especially since Aina did try to lean in for a kiss just moments before Galo gets distracted. Again, he still obviously cares about her, but the tone of these scenes just read completely different. I rewatched it and one of the first things that caught my eye is how Galo takes the time to gently tip Lio’s head up before that kiss of life. It’s this very small thing, and something you’d just assume happens, but seeing it animated like that is such an intimate little detail that adds a very delicate touch. When Galo catches Aina, she leans in while he’s just frozen there. But here we see Galo initiate, and the way he cradles Lio so carefully and holds him close is just so soft and intimate.

Here’s the thing as well, Galo’s seen this happen before. He knows what’s at stake. When Thyma turns to ash, Lio solemnly tells him that this is what all Burnish have to look forward to someday. It’s their fate, and he’s already made his peace with that. Lio is someone who’s more than ready to martyr himself for this cause, he already believes his own life is forfeit. Because even if he doesn’t die fighting for the Burnish, even if they all find a home to live in peace, this story still ends the same for him. Nothing but ashes.

And Galo just can’t rationalize that. He lashes out, pushes back, rejects any reality where you’re destined to just fade away. He wants more for the Burnish. For Lio. And he’ll do anything to save him from that, even if it means defying fate--“So here’s what I’m gonna do--save him, save you, and then, save the world. Just shut up and watch.”

Galo feels for Lio, mourns for him, begs him not to go-“Stay with me, Lio! Come on, damn it! Don’t you disappear on me! I’ve gotta do something...” The fact that he’s so desperate, that what he says is “stay with me,” “don’t you disappear on me,” he’s so incredibly vulnerable here in a way that goes beyond his usual honesty and directness. Even for Galo, someone who so readily speaks his mind, you get the feeling he was so shaken in the moment that something he didn’t mean to say, something more, may have just slipped out. If you’re looking for some sort of heartfelt confession from Galo, it’s right here.

It’s not just that he wants Lio to live, because of course he does. It’s also that he doesn’t want Lio to leave him--like Kray, and presumably like his family (who he likely lost in that childhood fire). There’s something inherently so powerful to me about Lio and Galo’s relationship here and Galo’s experience with fire. For Galo, his home--and again, likely his parents--were lost in a fire. He clings to Kray as a result and develops a deep emotional attachment to him as a means of coping with that trauma, trying to salvage the one thing he has left from that wreckage. Galo has tried to reach out and embrace others even when confronted by his trauma before, and time and time again, he just gets burned. After trying to defend Kray. After trying to reach out to Thyma. His scars are a testament to the fact that, regardless of how good his intentions are, he should never play with fire.

But when it’s Lio? When it’s his fire? When Galo confronts him in the city, even through the searing pain of it, he doesn’t flinch away. “It’s not hot at all.” For years, fire was representative of everything Galo had lost. But finally, it gave him something back in return. “It’s just like before--Lio’s fire protected me. This little spark was my shield.” Galo gives so much, is willing to sacrifice so much, all for the sake of others. And in that moment, Lio used the last of his strength to honor that good faith by protecting Galo with his life, even if it meant Kray destroying him. And in Galo’s hands, that fire--Lio’s spark--it’s healing. It’s life. It’s this exchange of feelings between them. A spark, a fire, a kiss, but it’s them and their relationship and how badly they want to be there for each other.

Everything about this scene--the colors, the mood, the lighting, the way the music softens and goes quiet and they’re held in each other’s arms just sharing that kiss for such a considerable amount of time, how it’s never played off as a joke or anything other than the moving heartfelt vulnerability it delivers--it’s so outright romantic and I fucking love it.

Even the comedic relief aspect of it just feels very sweet; it’s not a joke at the kiss itself, which would’ve left such a bad taste in my mouth, but wouldn’t have surprised me unfortunately. No, it’s just Galo getting all worked up over starting his first fire, and there’s something about the way he and Lio play off each other here that just feels so natural and adorable. Even better, Galo only starts panicking about fires after Lio gives him the softest look and says, “Did you just save me...” so it comes off more as Galo being flustered than anything. And of course, merely moments later, Lio smiles at him and goes, “How about we burn the world to the ground?”

“Lio, have you lost your mind? How could you ask me, a firefighter, to do that?” “That’s why we need you. Your firefighter’s soul. This time, let’s call it Galo De Lion.” For all his nerves about starting his first fire, he’s ultimately willing to burn the whole world with Lio if he asks. Fire becomes this form of catharsis for both of them; something that sustains them, connects them, a sign of implicit trust. Lio De Galon, and Galo De Lion, they both belong together.

Hope that was kind of what you were looking for, and sending good thoughts your way because I know quarantining is hard. Stay safe and take care! 

#promare #lio fotia #galo thymos #galolio #lio

[jazzypizzaz]

end of the year fic meme

This was an askbox-style meme, but like last year I'm just gonna answer them all without waiting for asks.  I love when other writers talk about their stuff, so I may as well allow myself to.  Self-indulgent reflection, hooray!  Please join in if you so desire...   Statistics:  I wrote 11 fics this year (10 for DS9 and 1 for Discovery), ~51k words, which is almost exactly half of last year lol.  8 Quodo fics, 2 gen fics, 1 other pairing.    I also have, collectively, 7k words of unfinished fics in drafts, oops.  I think the relative lack of writing-juice this year meant it was easier to follow through only on the most immediately compelling ideas, which I guess means proportionately more Quodo. under the cut for length, ten questions:

1. What’s your personal favorite thing you wrote this year?

I’ve been staring at my list for a couple minutes and have decided that I hold them all dear within my heart, because really they all mean different things to me that are important (#moods ranging from feelsy angst to complete absurdity lmao, a good range).  

Like... solid!Odo fic I think was my best work, the one I’m most proud of, but I spent so long muddling through that I’m tired of staring at it, so I can’t say it’s my *personal* favorite, whereas I really enjoy some of the shorter, simpler ones though I think they could be better executed in some ways so idk... 

uuuhhhh I suppose the Kira&Jake fic was something I really needed to write, since my Jake feels don’t get enough resolution like ever, so it was good to have the fic exchange to make me write some of it out finally.  And I really like the baseball metaphor, plus it was good to write characters I don’t give enough attention to in my writing.  An unexpected favorite perhaps.

IDK I fail at this meme already...

2. What’s your least favorite thing you wrote this year?

WELL let's say the several WIPs that I haven't been able to complete yet, especially a) romantic dinner cruise quodo, which doesn't have the mood or depth I'm aiming for yet, b) sisko/quark which has gotten more involved and difficult to write than I meant it to be and therefore is lingering in my drafts months past I meant it to.

3. Which of your fics was most different from what you usually write?

The Michael Burnham and Tardigrade gen fic, in that it's: not a narrative, not shippy, not DS9, and is mostly bullshit philosophy/poetry.  

It *is* still similar to my usual, in that it's about alien perspectives and the indulgent fake-deep tendencies I already have, but dialed up to eleven I guess.

4. Which of your fics this year was most successful?

The solid!Odo fic!  I always expect the relative “success” of any fic wrt kudos/comments to be almost completely arbitrary and beyond common sense explanations, but this is a rare case where I feel like the response I got was proportional to what I put into it and how much I personally liked the story.

This was a fic that was a) a frustrating time-suck that the effort I put into it resulted in an improved output, b) something *I* regard as one of my best works overall, c) hits popular themes and tropes, or at least what I think captures fandom interests generally, d) is a long, meaty story! relative to my usual one-shots, the longest continuous work of mine, and e) has an actual plot beyond ~feelings~. 5. Which of your fics do you wish was more successful? hmm maybe the Fallen Heroes coda?   I do think the emotions as written were a bit too easy surface-level in some regards -- didn’t quite have the depth and catharsis I was aiming for -- but still, I expect everyone to be as invested in Quark’s messy emotional fallouts as I am, even if there could have been better follow-through on my end.  I mean, it’s still a pretty good fic I think, and I’m overall happy with it or I wouldn’t have posted, even if I am retrospectively critical. 6. What’s your favorite piece of dialogue you wrote this year? I think I got some funny, snappy, in-character dialogue in the quodo goes to couples counseling fic, has a good flow w the bickering.

also, I’m very fond of Quark’s little moment of truth in solid!Odo fic: “I thought I could finally be what you wanted.”  it makes me melt????  hits exactly the note I wanted. also, Odo’s response several lines down: “A risk that I can always count on.”  that whole scene, *kisses fingers like an italian chef* delicious delicious emotional climax!

7. What’s your favorite piece of description or narration? All the different pieces of Ezri’s painting in the Ezri/Ziyal fic!!!  It really came together in a satisfying way for me, and it seems for Ezri as well heh.  Also the art-philosophy, self-discovery thoughts within the fic as a whole I think turned out great.  Feels good, feels like healing. 8. Which fic this year was most fun to write? definitely definitely both the Odo-pants and furry AU.  both I wrote in a flurried craze of self-indulgence and cackling to myself the whole time about how silly they were in concept.  OH WAIT and also the soulmates AU...  anytime I’m a bit embarrassed by how much I love something that seems like it should be stupid or frivolous, but that instead I get accidentally invested in, I think is actually a good thing???  or like, that’s what’s fun about fandom.  I embrace it when I can. 9. If you could go back and change something about one of the fics you wrote this year, what would it be? umm I would change more of my WIPs into being complete, does that count???  I have pieces written of too many fics I want to be a reality: romantic dinner cruise Quodo, Sisko/Quark empty nest, Quark angst underworld, Kira/Keiko first date... 10. What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year? really, just to keep writing anything.  and finish those fics I just listed!

#jazzy liveblogs writing #end of the year fic meme

[experimentsinsimultaneoustime]

[the essay] A rose is not a rose is not a rose is not a rose is a rose

Online, everything (every thought, action, object) is abstracted into language in order for it to exist.

The gap between a rose online and a rose IRL is big. At a basic level, the online rose is no longer in a garden, cared for, watered, subjected to the wind and the sun, rooted, dying. It no longer represents the blight of colonised land under the guise of exquisite beauty. This online rose, which we still call a rose, exists differently. This rose is floating in an absurdist multidimension. There is no residual association of smell or touch. Its context endlessly warps, its meaning endlessly shifts as people scroll past it. It multiplies to become stitched between photos of dogs, drunken nights out, holiday snaps, promotional selfies, sports highlights, amateur food photography, photos of art, individualised political outcries, inspirational encouragements, life achievements, a beer can in a gutter. Its value becomes contingent upon a heat map of relational engagement: views, likes, comments, shares. But even though the online rose loses heat – is quickly forgotten – it doesn’t die. It doesn’t decompose and get turned into some other energy-matter. It simply becomes lost, or archived, in an algorithmic soup of infinity, floating in the liminal space between existence and non-existence.

 In this way, the IRL rose and the online rose have become completely different things. The meaning of the word ‘rose’ has been stretched to encompass a whole new set of relations, contingent on the inherent political structure of a global network (the internet) where information (language) defines currency (value). Eventually, the online rose has nothing to do with the original meaning of the word rose. In fact, the constant shapeshifting of the online rose’s relational environment means its own meaning is constantly deferred, until it doesn’t even have anything to do with itself anymore. It just refers to other things, which in turn just refer to other things, until we are nowhere.

 And because the internet is an ideological triumph of planetary capitalism, the meaning of everything online is at the mercy of (mostly) straight, white, male coders. They are the invisible power brokers of the abstraction of language into flows of information, where value is perpetually postponed in order to keep you wanting, and beauty is a mirage you hope you can click yourself towards. The rose is now unattainable.

 On 3 July, 2016 @britneyspears regrammed a photo of a white-pink rose from @drewbarrymore’s Instagram. Britney’s post, uncaptioned, received 74,921 likes and 539 comments. Perfect. Perfection. Britney… That was amazing. Thank you so much. Wooww. Lovee. Love it. I hate flowers. Wonderful! I love you. Omg. Any news on the new single? Pretty rose. That’s gorgeous. Wow. Lmao but wow. Pretty just like you Britney. Remember when u shaved your head? A beautiful rose for a beautiful woman.

 @drewbarrymore’s original photo of the rose, posted over a year earlier on 2 May 2015, was captioned #tgif and garnered 49,462 likes and 265 comments. Pretty flower!! Beautiful! :) That’s pretty. Ty for the very nice photos. Have a blessed weekend. O M G. I love flowers, thxs for sharing @drewbarrymore. Stay happy, healthy and blessed. Looks like it smells soooo good. Beautiful! Lovely. Love. Amazing!! So purty. I love you. I love u. Wow how beautiful that rose is!

 The rose has become a stand-in, a proxy, a conduit for understanding a series of personal histories, relational maps, unexpressed emotional states and ultimately, obsessive longing. This photograph has left its garden original to die in the dirt. It has travelled globally, transmuting to represent Drew Barrymore’s position in the market as a real person who “gets it”, as well as a symbol to express thanks to God that the working week has ended, as well as setting a relational connection between Drew Barrymore and Britney Spears, where siloed fanworlds have momentarily crossed wires as Britney’s identity transcends crazed LA celebrity to arrive at wholesome mother via the image of the rose.

 This essay itself is not about roses. It’s about the deferral of meaning, it’s about the alienating experience of objects being out of place. How can we bypass the capitalist architecture of the endless scroll, the trauma of language distancing meaning from lived experience?

 The reason deferral happens is not so much because language is inherently abstract, as because we’re experiencing this process through a dominant paradigm that prescribes lived experience as a linear timescale. How can we sit in a simultaneous multiplicity of meanings that produce value in the present moment? How can we arrange ourselves for eternal gratification?

 It’s not ordinarily possible to know about, or have the capacity to feel things, that have happened or are going to happen, outside of the present moment in which they are actually happening.

 But there are fissures in this world, that allow us to bypass the laws of our own brains, to hack logic and enter into feeling, or rather, to turn feeling into logic so that they are the same.

 Memory, belief, imagination, acid, ghosts, dreams, dancing, de ja vou and sex are just some states that invoke simultaneous time.

 I could feel us fucking for days before it happened, and for days after. The actual lived moment of physical impact was so intense, as if it were all of the echoes of before and after combined, I cried and hid my tears. Even though now, I’m walking down the street, I’m eating ramen, I’m sitting at my computer, I’m talking to a friend, it still feels like part of me is fucking you / being fucked by you. In a queer mind all love is happening simultaneously.

 Simultaneous time makes the rose attainable again, without denying its mutability. It validates the way we love each other beyond the impossibility of our present set of circumstances, and how that experience is not deferred but embodied. Simultaneous time doesn’t erase the past and the future, or the potential and unlived versions of it, but rather suggests that everything is in a constant state of happening. You can tap in and feel / know any part of it at any time. It can be intensely happy and it can be intensely sad and it can be both / all at once.

 I’m in a state of exhaustion but I can’t sleep. In my pre-dream mind, I’m kissing you outside that Italian restaurant where we both ordered lasagnes and watermelon granitas at the bar before I gave you a deck of tarot cards that I ordered online, even though I don’t believe in tarot cards, which I wrapped so neatly in paper from my notebook, and watched you unwrap so carefully, and felt kind of self-conscious as you unwrapped it, because I didn’t know how you felt about anything, because you hadn’t told me, though I would find out later via text message that your ex-boyfriend wants you back. In my pre-dream mind, I’m imagining the kiss that I pre-meditated and then didn’t act on when you actually arrived. I feel both the absence and presence of that kiss as I run my phone battery flat listening to rain sounds on YouTube, eyes closed, simulating the conditions for sleep.

 It’s impossible to describe this relationship because it exists almost entirely in a state of deferral, of ambiguous instant messages and deep longing and overlapping timescales we can’t extricate ourselves from to just be together, even though we share an intense reality of the possibility. And because it’s impossible to describe, it’s impossible to locate, and so it tends to exist wherever it can, in moments where it shouldn’t. Simultaneous time recognises that love is non-linear.

 I can feel your hips trembling around me that night my flight was cancelled, and it makes my heart cramp with hurt.

 If Britney Spears is the ultimate embodiment of the split between object and meaning in a linear capitalist framework of pleasure deferral, simultaneous time returns her to herself, and to her fans. It validates her incoherence, and it validates the fanatics’ fantasy as an embodied reality that manifests as feeling and identity.

 We’re back out on the street after the sweat catharsis of a 25-and-a-half-hour rave that we experienced for four hours, not touching. You’re wearing a pink bucket hat and the air is cold and you’re tired and we talk seriously about Big Life Decisions and whether he should be the one to love you. It’s really bad timing, you apologise.

 At the tram stop, back in singular time, where I have to wait for 9 linear, non-cosmic minutes, a seagull eats the crumbs of my chilli flavoured chips and I wonder if that’s bad.

[bunnybbomb]

Trying To Tie Loose Ends (Catharsis Continuation): Bonus Chapter 1: Going Home

Brivere is just…tired. All he wants to do is go home, but he can’t go there without the only thing he has left in the world: his beloved little brother.

(An angst AU of Coma Baby, a sidlink fic by BanishedOne. It takes place roughly after Brivere last sees Prince Sidon when he took the spirit potion and occurs over the week that Sidon was knocked the fuck out. It borrows dialogue from CH 48 of Coma Baby, to keep in the spirit of this being like an alternate timeline.)

This is a fanfiction for a fanfiction called Coma Baby by BanishedOne on AO3 (tumblr @banishfics / @banishedone), and a continuation of the other one I wrote called Catharsis. If you like a grumpy Link and really well developed, deep characters and an amazing take on the political structure of the Zora Domain, then definitely check out Coma Baby!

I know that I haven’t posted all of TTTLE yet, but I actually finished everything already and I just wanted to get this chapter out there before the next big chapter of Coma Baby, 49′s epic boss fight! This particular chapter is written with my own experiences of depression and suicide, so hopefully it feels real in that aspect.

   My tumblr is bunnyb0b! I post memes and fics for Coma Baby there, you can chat with me any time about anything!

   Huge thank you to my amazing beta reader Alina! Her tumblr and ff.net is @ipromiseitsnotanobsession. She actually does editing shit for a living and she is the one that makes sure these things aren’t trash, so. Also this particular chapter was made for her, because she loves angst lmao

   Disclaimer: In no way does this have any true ties or canon to Coma Baby unless stated otherwise. It’s really just an indulgence AU to feed my obsession for Brivere drama.

Brivere was just… tired. Tired of everything, really.

The past and the present were taking a toll on him. He had accidentally lashed out at his only true friend, Prince Sidon. And the way that his prince had stared at him a few days later, as if they were strangers or perhaps even worse, had absolutely crushed the golden knight’s heart. Seeing the wretch that had stolen his beloved Sidon’s heart, standing there, watching all of it with a triumphant look in his smug blue eyes, infuriated Brivere to no end.

He had no one now. Prince Sidon had been the only one to ever really be there for him, allowing him to drink up constant praise and affection that he didn’t deserve. Uncertainty tugged at Brivere’s heart at the fact that he wasn’t sure if his crush on the prince was true love or… just a broken attempt to hang onto every ounce of positive attention that came his way, to get absolutely drunk off of the prince’s genuine care and concern.

And, as Brivere sat at the edge of the cistern in his home, legs dangling in the possibly contaminated water, he wondered if he could blame himself for that. After all, the prince’s attention was the only positive attention that he really received. It was clear that all of the other soldiers didn’t like him, or anyone else, really. This was exemplified when the Guard Captain refused to help give his younger brother rations, despite Estuu’s extremely sensitive palate. It was also apparent when the other nobles would glare at him when he was just trying to do his job as First Knight.

Then he thought about why. It had all begun when his so-called father had hastily married his mother, claiming to love her but leaving no evidence of it, dooming her and her unborn son to a life of torment and humiliation. And when he was born, no one had believed her story, and they were stripped of nobility status. Then, in her grieving state, she had been taken advantage of by a smooth talking noble named Zambezi, who had just gotten her pregnant and had eventually abandoned them. The only good thing to come out of it had been his younger brother, who he would lay his life down for.

Estuu. The only person he had left.

Brivere glanced over his shoulder to watch the younger Zora, who was completely wrapped up in a blanket and surrounded by piles of his favorite books. They were the only things that had survived the wreckage.

Right. Their house had collapsed in the earthquake. And as if they hadn’t lost enough already, Estuu had lost the lower half of his arm, also losing both his ability to shoot a bow and arrow along his power to quickly heal people. The rare ability that had given them some sort of worth in society.

Now, they had nothing. They were nothing.

Brivere let out a deep exhale, fully turning to his younger brother. “Estuu.” he said quietly, rolling around the bottle in his hands. “May you come here? I must talk to you about something urgent.”

The younger Zora didn’t move, the only thing indicating that he had even heard a word at all being the slight flicker of his golden eyes. Finally, he relented, unraveling his mangled body out of the blanket cocoon, the only thing that protected him from the world that threatened to overwhelm him every second that he dared to live in it.

Estuu slowly made his way over to his older brother, settling down beside him and dangling his feet in the water. That was when Brivere knew that his younger brother was thinking the same thing.

Because it didn’t matter that the water was contaminated with the Water Blight, considering what they were about to do.

He held up the familiar bottle, shaking it in front of the younger Zora’s dull eyes. Sensing the hesitation there, Brivere decided to fully explain the implications to his little brother, to eliminate any chance of doubt. “As you must recognize, this is mother’s bottle. The same one from that day.”

Estuu nodded. Neither of them could forget a single detail from the moment they had found their dead mother, floating in their poisoned cistern.

“Perhaps it is morbid, but I have kept it all this time. Both because it is the only thing we have of her, other than my longsword and our memories, and also…” his voice trailed off, trying to force the words out of his chest. “… because I thought we may need it someday. This poison is so strong that it isn’t even allowed in the Domain anymore.”

His younger brother just continued to stare at him, unflinching. Brivere sighed. “I know. But I promise that I hid it because I thought that we would never need it. Because I hoped that things would get better.” He absolutely hated the way his voice was getting weaker by the second, the way he was breaking down in front of the one person he was supposed to be strong for.

But he just couldn’t be strong anymore. Maybe he never had been.

“However, I cannot lie anymore, Estuu.” he explained. “It is not fair to me. It is not fair to you. I have lost all hope. There is no future for either of us other than the torment that we have been putting ourselves through for nothing.” He wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not when Estuu nodded in agreement.

But he still caught the hesitation that lingered in his little brother’s golden eyes. “Estuu…” he said. “Do you miss mother?”

The younger Zora nodded feverishly. “Of course.” Brivere sadly chuckled. “It would be foolish to think otherwise.” He sat the bottle in his lap along with his hands, slightly rocking it back and forth. “She was the only home I have ever felt. I am sure you feel the same way. Not that I do not love you or that I am accusing you of not loving me, of course. But she made the world feel… safe. Like it was a place that would forgive us for simply trying to live among everyone else.” Estuu nodded, clearly agreeing with him.

“Estuu…” he whispered, voice barely audible. “All I want to do is go home. Don’t you desire that as well? To feel safe, to feel loved. And perhaps it is selfish of me, but as always… I could never go anywhere without you.”

To his surprise, his little brother suddenly slipped his small hand over his own, gently squeezing it as he nodded. Estuu had always hated touch. For him to do this…

He blinked away the tears that welled up in the corner of his eyes. “Thank you, Estuu. But I will only allow this if you promise that this is something you desire as well, without my own feelings to persuade you.”

Estuu gestured at the bottle. “Are you just worried that it won’t be efficient enough?” Brivere questioned, raising his brow. Nodding, the younger Zora let out a whine and pointed between the two of them with his only hand.

“Enough for both of us?” Brivere asked, holding up the bottle to closely examine it. The dark liquid inside only filled up the bottle halfway, and sure, perhaps that was enough to quickly kill his mother when she had used it. But that was over a century ago, so it may have lost its potency. Besides, he and Estuu weren’t children like they were back then. Both of them were much older now. “I am sure it is enough. Perhaps it won’t be as quick, but it will certainly be painless, and it is the best way I can imagine seeing mother again.”

Nodding, Estuu gently lowered himself into the water, floating around. Brivere watched him fondly, remembering how they both used to do that before bedtime while waiting for their mother. It just appeared that the tables had turned, because now she was waiting for them.

He quickly lowered himself in as well, treading water as Estuu slowly swam around him. Grabbing the bottle, he held eye contact with his younger brother, who was staring back at him intensely. Usually, Estuu hated direct eye contact. But this would be the last time he could have it.

Brivere shook the bottle and held it up. “I promise that it will not hurt. It will feel like you are just going to sleep. In fact,” he swam over, tilting Estuu until he was on his back, “why don’t you try and take a nap? You will miss less that way.”

His younger brother hesitated, pointing his only hand at Brivere, who chuckled softly. “It is alright. I will still be here, watching you. I will make sure we go home together.”

Estuu slowly closed his eyes and nodded. Brivere hovered his hands underneath of his little brother, making sure that he didn’t move too much. When the younger Zora’s breaths became even and shallow, Brivere waved his hand in front of his little brother’s face. He was certain that Estuu had fallen asleep. Quietly, he uncorked the bottle and poured the dark liquid inside of the cistern.

The second it hit the water, Brivere could instantly feel the effects. His body suddenly felt very heavy, and eventually he let go, allowing himself to drift in the contaminated water. He watched Estuu’s body tense up for a second, eventually relaxing until his body went fully limp, bobbing gently in the water. Using the last of his strength, he pushed himself off of the wall and over to his little brother, cradling the tiny Zora into his broad chest.

Estuu wasn’t breathing. Before, this would’ve sent the golden Zora into hysterics, but in that moment, he let out a sigh of relief. He let the darkness cloud his vision as his head rolled back, completely giving himself over to oblivion.

;

Brivere awoke in the water. As his consciousness slowly came back to him, anxiety began to blossom in his chest. Did it not work?

Panicked, he tried to orient himself to tread water, desperately searching for his younger brother. It was difficult, as his legs felt as heavy as stone. Eventually, he managed to float upright in the water, scanning its smooth surface. Estuu was nowhere in sight. But as he took in his surroundings more, he realized where he actually was.

The medical bay.

A healer standing off to the side quickly looked over, startled by the sudden splashing. “Ah, First Knight!” she yelped, running over to the edge of the pool. “Please, do not move too much! You are still in critical condition!”

This was too much. “Where is my younger brother?!” he cried, pushing her away.

“Please, calm down! I will tell you what happened only if you float on your back!”

Hesitatingly, he did so, finding it difficult once again because of his legs, which felt numb for some odd reason. It took a while, but when he was finally on his back, his gold eyes stared intensely back up at her. “Please, mam, he is all I have. Where is Estuu?”

She shook her head sadly. “I am afraid that he is dead.”

“…what happened?” he croaked, fighting back the tears that stung his eyes. “I… I was supposed to go with him…”

The healer was frozen in place, trying to gather her thoughts. “I am so sorry, First Knight-!”

“Please do not call me that.” he whispered sharply, tightly shutting his eyes. “I do not deserve the title. Just… just Brivere is fine.”

She nodded. “Then, Brivere… I am so sorry. Some guards had entered your house because someone had reported that you were filling up your cistern, which is prohibited due to the Water Blight still spreading around. They were prepared to just arrest you, but…” her voice trailed off. He hated that he didn’t even have to look at her to see the pity on her face; it was practically dripping off of her words. “…no one expected to see you and your brother floating in poisoned water. They retrieved you, but your brother… he died long before they came in. I am sorry.”

“…Why?” he croaked. “Why didn’t I die too?”

“I am sorry that you felt the need to take your own life.” she said in a quiet voice. “Everyone is aware of your situation and background, and, in retrospect, they could see why. But even then, you shouldn’t have done this, Brivere. You have so much ahead-!”

“NO!” he screamed, eyes flying open in rage. “WHY DIDN’T I DIE TOO?!”

The healer flinched and jumped back. “The poison… it was extremely old. It was enough to kill your younger brother because he is still a child, but you’re a fully grown adult so it would have taken more time. If the guards hadn’t gotten you out, you certainly would have-“

Brivere rolled over, ignoring his legs that uselessly dragged through the water, instead using his strong arms to push himself over to her. “Then they should have left me there.” he spat.

She shook her head. “Brivere, please-!”

“You don’t understand!” he shouted in her face. “No one understands! I have nothing! I don’t even have my little brother anymore!”

Brivere’s voice cracked suddenly, as he was unable to hold back the tears anymore. He absolutely despised how much his voice dropped after that, so he fought the pain swelling in his throat to force out the words trapped inside. “All I wanted…” he whimpered. “I just… I just wanted to go home.”

The healer reached down and placed a hand on his shoulder. He was too tired to smack it away. “I am so sorry, Brivere. Please, just rest for now. We will have more healers come to talk about what the plan will be in regards to your situation.”

He nodded weakly. It didn’t matter anyways. “Just… is there anything else I need to know?” Catching the apprehension that flashed on her face, he continued. “If there is anything else, just say it. Just get all of the bad things out now so that I won’t break again later.”

She nodded hesitantly. “Well… the poison was in your system enough to still have an impact on your body. As a result, your legs don’t work anymore. And as such… you were dismissed from your position as First Knight.”

Brivere stared back at her, and she prepared for another melt down, but to her surprise he just laughed weakly. There was no humor in it, though. “I don’t know what I expected.” he murmured. “Just when I thought there was nothing else I could lose…”

“Brivere…”

He shook his head and tried to float on his back again, only using his arms. “Please. Just leave. I just need to be alone.”

Nodding, the healer shot him an apologetic look before stepping out of the archway, leaving him alone to soak in the healing water and his new reality.

;

The next few days in the medical bay were a horrible blur.

Muzu came by to officially dismiss him from his position as First Knight. He just nodded back numbly, too exhausted to say anything. After an awkward moment of silence, the old Zora had quickly bowed and apologized before scurrying out of the archway.

Healer after healer had come in, all of them talking in a coddling tone of voice that infuriated him. He didn’t want their pity. He didn’t deserve their help. All he wanted was to go home. But after a mental examination, they had deemed him too unstable to leave. In his sleep, they had cuffed his ankle to a chain bolted to the bottom of the healing pool, keeping him on a leash that wouldn’t even let him reach the edge of the medical bay.

So after losing his younger brother, his respected position, and his own damn legs, he apparently lost his freedom as well.

And to top it all off, it appeared that the goddess was also coming for whatever was left of his dignity, which luckily for him, was next to nothing, meaning that he at least wouldn’t have to lose much. Soldiers and nobles came in all the time trying to apologize, but he could tell that many were doing it more out of false sympathy than real sorrow and regret. Or perhaps they thought that a simple “sorry” would somehow even out the other vicious words they had pierced him with over the past hundred years. But he still caught the way they looked at him with pity, silently thankful that they hadn’t ended up as low as he had.

Even then, he could still see a hint of satisfaction in some of their eyes. As if he deserved this. As if it was punishment for some crime that he had never committed. Although he was chained to the pool, he could still hear their whispers in the hallways, calling him a monster for dragging his little brother into it, saying that it was about time that he tried at all. Apparently a common joke now was that he even failed at killing himself. Just like how he failed at everything else in his worthless life.

Captain Betaal, or rather, First Knight Betaal, visited a week in. She looked down at him, and he couldn’t tell if it was disgust or glee shining in her remaining eye. Probably both. She simply said her apologies, just like everyone else, and then promised that she would take care of Prince Sidon. Whatever he saw in her eye before turned to pity as she silently looked over his broken form one last time before leaving.

What finally broke him was when the Hylian Champion came the next day.

Link had walked in during a rare moment when no healers or any other Zora had come to visit. He wondered to himself if the Hylian had done it on purpose.

Brivere stared as Link made his way to the edge of the water. When he sat down, he snarled at the golden Zora. “Pathetic.” the Hylian spat.

“…I beg your pardon?” he growled, feeling the heat rising in his chest. It wasn’t an apology. It was an invitation, daring Link to explain his audacity.

“I didn’t think you could sink any lower than you were before.” the Hylian scowled, staring him down with icy blue eyes. “What, is this because you’re still mad that Sidon didn’t choose you? You hurt him enough with your words, did you intend to fully destroy him and guilt trip him into not seeing me anymore?”

Brivere snarled, baring his sharp teeth. “Not everything is about you, you selfish wretch.”

“Oh, I’m selfish?!” Link laughed incredulously. “I don’t recall dragging my own disabled and clearly emotionally unstable brother into some poisoned water! I don’t recall being enough of a coward that I let him die before me!”

The golden knight let out a roar and shot forward, lunging at the Hylian. He would have torn Link apart if it hadn’t been for the metal cuff that dug into his ankle. Not as if he could feel it anyways. “Do not pretend to be higher than me!” Brivere shouted. “Do not act as if you are one to pass judgement! You have no idea what kind of torment I have gone through, especially because of someone like you!”

“Same to you!” Link screamed back in his face. “Do you know how much you hurt Sidon with what you fuckin’ said to him?! I’m the one who had to comfort him while you jacked yourself off of your own self-pity!”

“As if you could take care of him!” Brivere spat. “I refuse to accept that someone as low and vile as you could possibly be the one that will be a good lover to him!”

Link’s face contorted into a crazed sneer as he leaned in, knowing that Brivere couldn’t grab him. “Well then you have to accept it. Sidon already knows that I’m better for him.” he chuckled. “Your fits of jealously are honestly just pitiful and annoying at this point.”

“It is not jealousy.” Brivere hissed, narrowing his gold eyes. “I have dedicated my life to protecting the prince. I have already accepted that I will probably never be his friend again after what I have done, and that is alright. If it is good for his health, then I will give up everything for him. But you!” he scowled, stabbing a finger at the air right in front of the Hylian. “You are just as bad for him as I am, if not worse! All you do is destroy everything that comes near you. Yet you dare to pretend that you are better than me, as you ignore all of the damage you have caused.”

“Oh, what the hell are you even babbling on about?” Link laughed. There was clearly no humor in it.

“Do you honestly believe that I do not know about what you have done?” Brivere spat, boring a hole into the Hylian’s head with his blazing eyes. “You took our prince and forced him to commit sexual acts that he was not comfortable with out of concern for your safety. And then, as if you had determined that you didn’t break him enough, you summoned his sister’s spirit so that she could heal the wounds that were a result of your selfishness.”

The Hylian Champion stared back in disbelief, jaw slightly ajar. “You… you knew? How-!”

“As if my lord wouldn’t tell me! We have been friends long before he even knew of your existence!” the Zora snapped. “You bring up how much I hurt him? Then you should have seen the way he begged for my forgiveness when he couldn’t focus on our sparing because of your sins!”

Brivere stopped himself and clenched his fists, absolutely trembling with fury. But he couldn’t tell if it was directed more at the heinous man in front of him or at himself. He had failed to protect the man he loved, the man he had sworn his life to protect. The man who was too caring, too kind, too naïve to see the danger within the Hylian that sat there as if he had done nothing wrong.

“You…” the golden knight hissed, vitriol dripping off of his words, “You are nothing but a worthless parasite feeding off of his kindness and love, hiding behind the false pretense that you could ever be a proper lover to him.” He glared at the Hylian, rage boiling in his chest. “Truly, how dare you. You are as wretched as they come.”

To his surprise, Link recovered easily, staring back at him with triumph in his cold, blue eyes. “I could say the exact same thing about you.” he purred, voice disgustingly sweet. “But the fact remains that at the end of the day, Sidon still deemed that I was more worthy than you.”

Brivere numbly bobbed in the water as the Hylian’s words sank in. Satisfied, Link got up and began walking out of the archway but stopped, looking back over his shoulder to eye the broken Zora in the water. “You have nothing because you are nothing.” he said simply.

And with that, Link walked out of the room, leaving Brivere with nothing but the truth echoing in his head.

;

That night, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He just wanted to go home. He just wanted to see his family.

Diving under the surface, Brivere pushed through the water with his strong arms until he reached the bottom. He grabbed onto the metal chain and pulled with all of his might, feeling his joints pop and muscles burn from the effort. It wouldn’t budge. Eventually, he let go when his arms felt like they were on fire, despite the cool water he was submerged in. His fingers were sore and bruised from being so harshly clenched around the chains.

He warily eyed the cuff on his ankle. The silver leash would be impossible to take off without the guards or healers, who would never accept such a request.

But he could take off his foot on his own.

Bending himself at the waist, he opened his mouth and bit down on his ankle, hard. He smothered the scream that thrashed around in his chest when pain began to shoot up his leg and make his body buzz with agony. Trying to ignore it, he bit down harder, moving his head back and forth to saw through his own bones. If he imagined hard enough, he could pretend that he was just eating another fish for dinner. This was admittedly a bit difficult, as he had refused most of the meals given to him anyways, so he couldn’t exactly remember what eating a good dinner actually felt like.

With a sickening crack that loudly echoed through the water, he watched his foot slowly sink to the bottom of the pool as a cloud of blood began to taint his whole world red. Brivere quickly pulled his stumped ankle out of the metal cuff with ease.

He ignored the pain that burned his leg as he used his arms to swim back up to the surface. It wouldn’t matter anyways. None of it would matter soon.

When he broke through the surface, he scanned the room for any late night visitors or healers. By Hylia’s first blessing to him, no one was there. He swiftly shot over to the edge of the pool, hoisting himself up. It was harder to accomplish than he had anticipated, as days of inactivity and refusing meals suddenly took its toll on him as the adrenaline subsided. Nonetheless, he fought through the screaming of his muscles as he dragged himself out of the pool, crumpling against the cool stone with panting, labored breaths.

Shit. He hadn’t actually thought this far ahead.

Brivere quickly ran through the options in his mind, wanting to get this over with quickly before someone came in to stop him like last time. He didn’t have the poison on him. Obviously, he couldn’t drown himself. He couldn’t bite his own heart out… but perhaps he could claw at his throat?

He reached up to try it, but cursed when he felt his trimmed claws scratch at his scales. Damn. The healers must have anticipated that.

Looking around the empty room, his eyes finally settled on the window. No bars, no screen. Just an open hole in the wall, letting the moonlight flood into the room. A silent prayer echoed in his mind as he dragged himself towards it, begging Hylia to have mercy on him just this once.

And apparently, she had finally decided to show him some generosity, because his heart soared when he saw how high up his medical bay was. He could see most of the Domain, and the few people who were still awake at this ungodly hour looked like ants from his window.

There was no way he could fail this time.

Drawing up every last bit of strength within his quickly weakening body, he propped himself onto the edge and threw himself over. No hesitation, no last thoughts. He had had too much of that already when he had been imprisoned in the medical bay. Maybe he had had too much of it even before then.

And as he plummeted towards the cold stone pavement below, he closed his eyes, content.

He was finally going home.

;

Prince Sidon slowly opened his eyes, groaning at the pain that racked his body. Such was to be expected after taking the spirit potion. It took a toll on him both mentally and physically, and he was exhausted beyond belief. Despite this, he smiled softly at the sight of his Hylian lover sitting beside him, his small body sunk into the water bed.

“Ah, Link.” he croaked. “I am happy to see you.”

The Hylian Champion smiled back, but the gesture didn’t reach his cold blue eyes. Even without his empathy ability, Sidon could tell that something was wrong. “Love?” he asked. “Has something happened? You can confide in me, you know.”

Link’s eyes darted to the side as the smile quickly stretched into a taut frown. “Yes, but… it isn’t something that has happened to me. Well I mean, it has, and I didn’t expect it to, but…” the Hylian’s voice trailed off, slowly coming to a stop as he buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

Grunting, Sidon tried to prop himself up so that he could rub Link’s back, but the Hylian glared at him and pushed his large body back down. “No, I’ll talk.” Link said, eyes softening. Tears were prickling at the corners of them.  “Just lie there, okay? Don’t push yourself.”

Sidon nodded and leaned back into the water bed, letting out a relieved sigh. His lover carefully laid on top of him, relaxing his body when he could tell that it didn’t hurt the Zora prince. Link rubbed small circles on his arm and both of them laid in a comfortable silence.

Eventually, Sidon decided that it was time to begin other projects. He may have been knocked out for a whole week in agony due to a spirit potion, but nonetheless, he was still a prince. There were many things to be done. Sidon glanced to the doorway, surprised to not see his First Knight obediently guarding his room like usual. “Link,” he said, drawing the Hylian’s attention. “Where is Brivere? May you call-?”

He instantly stopped when he felt Link’s body stiffen on top of him at the sound of Brivere’s name. While the two of them were certainly not on good terms, the Hylian had never reacted like this before. “Link?” he asked. “What’s wrong? I know you two may not like each other, but-!”

“He’s dead, Sidon.”

Sidon just blinked. “…I beg your pardon?”

His lover pushed himself up on Sidon’s broad chest, revealing the tears that were threatening to flow out of his blue eyes. “Sidon…” Link said, voice cracking. “They found him outside of the infirmary. He jumped out of the window. I’m so sorry. I know you two were very close.”

Sidon felt numb. He asked the question that wasn’t gnawing at his mind, for he knew that if he asked the one that was actually eating him alive then it would just confirm it all. “Why was he in the infirmary?”

Link opened his mouth, but a strangled gasp was all that came out. He got off of Sidon and sat up on the water bed, rubbing his throat and wiping at his eyes. After a few strangled grunts, he turned back to the prince. “He tried to kill himself a few days ago too. Apparently they found him almost half dead in his poisoned cistern. Estuu was there too and…”

His blue eyes shut tightly. “He’s also dead.”

Not knowing what to say, Sidon numbly stared the ceiling. Tears flowed out of his eyes as he silently wept, the screams writhing around in his chest fighting for a way out. And eventually they won, turning Sidon’s heaving breathing into howls that shook the whole room.

He quickly sat up, ignoring the pain that erupted all over his body. “What in Hylia’s name happened?!”

Link stared back at him. “It’s my fault.”

“…What?”

“It’s…” the Hylian slammed his fists into his head, grabbing at his blond hair. “It’s my fucking fault, Sidon!”

Sidon just blinked at him. “No… gods, Link… what did you do?”

"I said a bunch of shit to him!” Link screamed back. “I shouldn’t have! I know I shouldn’t have! He literally tried it a few days ago and lost his little brother, and his legs, and his First Knight position!”

Dumbfounded, Sidon continued to stare back. “…how…”

“The goddamn poison! It was enough to kill Estuu but when they got Brivere out he was still alive! It damaged his legs, and he was dismissed!”

Sidon sat there, trembling. He had had no idea that Brivere had felt that way. But now that he looked back on it, he was absolutely furious with himself for not seeing it sooner, especially when he literally had the ability to read other people’s minds and emotions. His beloved friend… who had lost everything. His mother, his nobility status, his reputation, his pride, his home, his brother, his job… just, everything.

It should have been obvious.

The prince shuddered, remembering the last things he had said to Brivere. The cold way he had looked at the golden knight. The threat to remove Brivere from his position if he ever dared to say such things again, when the golden Zora was delirious, sick with the Water Blight. The empty promise of possibly considering rekindling their bond. It hit Sidon so hard that he crumpled into himself, hugging his knees so hard that he could feel them bruise.

Brivere had died thinking that Sidon hated him. That he had lost his only friend on top of everything else.

Slowly, the prince straightened up, glaring at Link, who was still tearing at his hair and mumbling to himself. “What did you say to him.” he said in an unsettlingly steady voice.

The Hylian jumped, staring back at him wide-eyed. “No… I, I didn’t mean to-!”

“What did you say to him?!” Sidon shouted.

After a pause, Link gulped, speaking in a weak voice barely above a whisper. “I… I said that he was selfish. That he hurt you. That he killed his brother, and that he was a coward. And then he said that I was a horrible person, that I am the lowest of the low… and I said that he was too, but you still chose me over him. I said he had nothing because he was nothing. And then… I left.”

The Hylian gasped for air, looking at Sidon with pleading eyes. “Sidon, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I never wanted him to die-!”

“Get out.”

Link flinched at the coldness in the prince’s usually soft voice. “N-no… please, Sidon, don’t, im sor-!”

“GET OUT!” he roared, slamming his fist into the wall next to his bed. Link jumped off of the bed and backed up slowly, but quickly rushed out when he caught the deadly glare that Prince Sidon was giving him.

His chest was heaving, fury burning his body alive. “AND DO NOT DARE TO COME BACK!” he screamed at the entranceway. He didn’t even know if Link had heard it. He didn’t even care at this point. It had to be clear enough from the moment he had ordered him to leave.

Sidon crumpled back into himself, curling into a hopeless ball that sunk into the water bed. The room became filled with desperate gasps of air, in between heavy sobs and weeping. His mind was filled with apologies that would never be heard by the one person he wanted to say them to.

He couldn’t help but laugh hopelessly at the irony of the situation. Now he was the one who had nothing. He had lost his knight, the one Zora who had felt like a true friend among the many who just used the prince for his power and status. He lost his lover, his sister, his people were dying…

Sidon just wanted to go home, wherever that may be.

#brivere #estuu #coma baby #sidon #prince sidon #link #botw #breath of the wild #loz #legend of zelda #suicide #angst #double death #everyone is an asshole #there is no happiness in this world #TTTLE #trying to tie loose ends #catharsis