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#might also be the sleep deprivation talking. but The Anxiety is easier to ignore if i have someone there to reassure me

arminocean · 3 years

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¿Am I the only one who thinks sakamakis have a strong mommy kink? is that,looking at them,they never had a good relationship with their mothers and I feel that they want to fill that void in some way,feel...complete.

Actually that's an amazing point, I feel like it will take a lot of time for them to accept that kink. We know most of the boys hate their mother so them meeting someone who like their mother will make them uncomfortable or mad. But, if they met someone who were caring towards them, gave them the attention, and love they never got they would feel confused. The mommy kink is there but once they become vulnerable towards that type of s/o or reader they would try to push them away. When the time come of them accepting that fact they could feel complete in a way and some traits they got from their actual mothers would extremely slowly become less visible. The reader walked in a dangerous zone, but if they are willing to be faithful and show them love I feel like the Sakamaki boys will come to appreciate it as time go on. You know what let me show an example how they react to this even though you never asked.

Kanato

He is extremely deprived of attention cause he never got it from his own mother

We also can show sighns of seperation anxiety

When their a reader who wasn't like an exact mothe figure, but show characteristics of how a loving mother would act

He automatically grasp on

He would threaten the reader a lot, bit when only met with comforting words he goes on a tantrum

He dosen't want to accept of having a mommy kink but when he does he actually become really vulnerable

Not in the bratty way, but in the way young Kanato was vulnerable if that make since

I feel like it will be a lot easier for him to accept his mommy kink while having sex

But once you reach the scale of making it more than another kink during sex, you reached and dangerous but good point

Kanato will still threaten you, but when he realize how dependent he is on you and that you are willing not out of fear, to love him and care about him

He would find a really hard time killing you, and if you cn actually help heal some of his trauma he will stay attached to you forever. (Can have effects of yandere Kanato, Kanato being around you all the time, some blood loss, many tea parties, and headaches from loud noise, do at your own risk)

Laito

Did someone hear kink

Now Laito is adventurous during sex and down for everything

But he is also a playboy, and smart

When he realize he have a mommy kink he was honestly like "Cool hey reader come on we are trying mommy kink"

But when a reader who has traits that would make up a loving mother he tries to avoid that by sex

But when he is confronted with his mommy kink being brougt out the sex category

He turns a blind eye, he may try to date other girl, he may cheat all of that

But when he realize you can see straight threw him he try to keep up this I don't care facade but is slowly cracking

He try to make you stop by having sex, but when you are stern and admitt you won't put up with his bs

You can see he start cracking looking like he is about to throw up

Whe you keep showing him actual love that is outside of sex he becomes vulnerable and does not like it

But, also have a hard time pushing you away since he never got this kind of love

When he actually admitt that he likes the mommy kink more than just it being about sex

You can see some weight be lifted off his shoulders

You will probaly have to comfort him a lot because he will actually cry for once

After that, and as your relationship keeps growing he is actually a pretty nice, serious , caring, and smart "person"

He will trust you more than anyone else and appreciate you a lot, especially if you help heal his trauma

Also starts to understand the difference between lust and love slowly but surely

Subaru

Subaru relationship with his mother is a little different since he actually loves her

But the problem is she didn't love him back, well atleast didn't make it too clear for Subaru that she did

You can see he has more comman since than most of his brothers

When a reader who give off traits of a loving, caring mother he is disturbed at first

He will try to avoid them, not because they remind him of a good mother

But feel if he gets too close to them, they just think of him as a monster

When he realize that he has a mommy kink he gets embarrassed and mad

He probably going to have hard time admitting it

But when he realize you know what he is thinking he will be embarrassed and scared

Even thoug he tried to avoid you, he felt at ease that you gave him comfort nobody else would

So when you found out, he thought you were going to call him a monster

When all you said is that his kink was fine, and you guys could try it out he looked really confused

When the mommy kink started to go beyond the bedroom that where he started to really panic

He tried pushing you away not wanting to get his hope up, just to then mess up and get called a monster

When he tried to push you away, and instead you tried to talk to him and explain that you give him time if he need it

He just felt guilty, but thankful

When he did admitt he has a mommy kink more than just sex he was kind of releived

If you keep showing him love, and affection you might see another side of Subaru

A Subaru who is sweet, gentle, and loving

I promise you he is going to love, and protect you with all his soul

Reiji

He always wanted his mother to say that she was proud of him, or that he is amazing

He wanted to be better than his brother

So when a reader who can give him what he always wanted from a mother appears

He is intrigue

He won't be nice just for that reason he might even be more strict with the reader

But he isn't dumb, he does realize that the reader is something that he always wanted

So he will try to keep them all to himself

When he realize he has mommy issues he ignores it, he has too much pride to admitt to something like that

And when the readers confront him on it, he scolds them and tell them to stay in their place

But when the reader actually stick up to him and scold him for acting like a child he freezes

His ego felt a little bruised, and when the reader hugged him and comforted him he felt confused

He knew this mommy kink wasn't just about sex so he knew what he was getting into

But as time went on an he accepted it he felt kind of happy

He appreciated how his s/o gave him everything his mother couldn't

He was still the strict Reiji

But now he also felt like he didn't have to put that facade up when with you

He really will have a soft spot just for you

Ayato

Ayato really is a playful vampire

So someone who is kind of like a mom can annoy him at first

Now he does have a mommy kink but he dosent really realize that

Someone who is caring, and give him much needed attention make him happy

Someone wh only care about him feeds his ego

But when he realize he has a mommy kink he is really confused

He hates his mother so how does he have a mommy kink

He will ask the other brothers even though he dosent want to

The person who point of view on mommy kink make the most since is Reiji

Since he now know the meaning of it he will try to bring it up without actually bringing it up.

He try to avoid the part of the kink that goes you know beyond the bedroom

When you bring up the topic of the actual emotional parts of the relationship he gets mad at you

You have to be patient and calm because Ayato is stubborn

He Isn't good at handling emotions, especially when he has to be vulnerable

But when he does come in terms with it he honestly dosent look like he change at all from someone like yuma point of view

But he actually does change he better at showing emotion, and putting his god complex away

Yes he still tease you but It's more in a loving way

Since he know that you actually love him, and going to stay loyal to him he is going to shower you with all the love he has

He also going to be loyal to you

Shuu

Now Shuu always had high expectations he needed to reach as a child

So when someone who gives off vibes a good mother give off he dosent care

He too caught up in his own world to care about them

Also he feels like you are just going to be annoying like everyone else in the mansion

When he realize he have mommy kink he really dosent care

He know that if he admitt this kink it probably going to become more than just a kink

He act like he dosent care that you are taking care of him and showing him love

In reality he actually like it but dosent want to deal with the consequences of saying it at loud

When he does admitt he has a mommy kink he makes it clear that he dosent want you making a big deal out of it

When in return your gentle, and say your proud lf him for admitting that

Like you knew how hard it was for him to say that

A switch in his brain turn on making him confused

He gets upset because he keep thinking if the small actions you do, making it hard for him to sleep

But when he does feel more comfortable around you, and the mommy kink become more than a kink

He a very sweet, talented, and sarcastic vampire

Both you and Shuu know that there are going to be some difficulties in this relationship

But him knowing that you are going to stick with him threw thick and thin

Makes him happy, and he'll try to do his best with you

A/n- yes they probably have a mommy kink༼⊼ɷ⊼༽

#hope you enjoyed #Diabolik lovers #Shuu x reader #Reiji x reader #Ayato x reader #Kanato x reader #Subaru x reader

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escxpedes · 3 years

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loopholes (fin.)

Remember when I said I’d post this like two days after the last part? No? Me neither... Sorry about the delay, I’ve had a severe lack of motivation. (It’s mental illness innit.) I feel like every part of this story gets longer and longer, and makes even less sense. If you haven’t read the other two parts, I recommend you do so. These technically can be read standalone, but I think it’s cuter when you read them knowing the context. Even though, again, they seem to make less sense the more I write. Lots of new information came about season 5, and it’s both nerve-racking and exciting at the same time! Three cheers for anxiety, amiright? Hope you all are doing well, I’m excited to hear the feedback on the last part of this series. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like me to write, I’m a sucker for prompts! x

part one | part two

loop·hole

noun | A loophole is an ambiguity or inadequacy in a system, such as a law or security, which can be used to circumvent or otherwise avoid the purpose, implied or explicitly stated, of the system.

hands that wrap around my wrists, (and arms that feel like home.)

Shutting down the monitors she was using, Riley tries not to think about how her sleep deprivation affects her body. It’s one thing to work as a distraction, but the drag in her pace tells her this coping method is wearing her down.

How is she supposed to save innocent lives when she’s so exhausted.

And she is, exhausted, that is. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Every part of her is weightless, suspended in air, and it feels like she can’t do a single thing about it.

An irritating helplessness encompasses her, tightening its grasp on her sanity.

She wants to cry out, throw something, cause a scene. Instead, she buries her feelings deep in her subconscious and tries not to focus on how tight her chest is.

It’s an occupational hazard, she tells herself. It’s nothing she can’t handle, she repeats daily. It’s almost a mantra by now, echoing inside her head and ramping up what seems to be an infinite supply of determination.

It’s the only way.

Mac waits for her outside, leaning against the building while she locks up. Her vision is still kind of fuzzy due to lack of energy, and her body doesn’t seem to be completely awake yet. She can physically feel Mac’s concerned gaze burning a hole in her cranium as if staring hard enough will give him access to all recesses of her mind.

“Ready?”

She nods, feigning a smile, and bumping his shoulder with her own, “You never mentioned why you stopped by so late.”

Ignorance is bliss, right?

“I left my phone in the labs.” She can hear the exasperation in his voice; concern rushes forward and sends a pang through her heart.

Suddenly, she’s irritated too, not with Mac, but for Mac. He does the right thing for humanity despite all that humanity has done to him. She can’t imagine how frustrated he must be with the entire situation, once again putting the world before himself.

He’s had so little time to process everything.

She knows he could use a break but also knows that he won’t admit he needs one.

For how smart he is, he can be really stupid sometimes.

When she turns her head to look at him, she can tell she’s lost him to his own thoughts. His eyebrows are furrowed, his usually clear eyes unfocused, and his mouth is set in a grim line.

If she listens closely, she can almost hear the gears turning, working out possible solutions, and thinking through every outcome.

It’s not an uncommon expression.

She stops abruptly, “Hey.”

This seems to shake him from his trance, his eyes meeting hers in a questioning manner.

“You are doing the best you can under the circumstances, but pushing yourself too hard won’t solve anything,” Her hand finds its way to his arm and squeezes reassuringly, “You can take care of the planet, but make sure to take care of yourself, too.”

The look he gives her is so full of gratitude and affection that nearly every emotion that Riley’s fought to contain bursts through its confinement and surges through her body.

“Thank you.”

Her breath catches in her throat, making it hard to breathe.

“What for?”

She really hopes the shaky breath that follows goes unnoticed.

“For always believing in me, no matter what.” His gaze is piercing, robbing the ability to form words from her throat.

She rakes her mind for something, anything, to say that will stop her from doing something she would totally, one hundred percent regret.

“It’s what Jack would do.”

It takes everything in her to break eye contact and shrug nonchalantly. Humor laces her tone, despite the sincerity of her statement. It is something Jack would do, something he taught her to believe in. Not necessarily in Mac, but what her gut is telling her.

It seems that in any given situation, before or after Jack’s departure, Mac’s intuition has always mirrored her own. Since the second he broke her out of prison, they always had the same values. Just like Jack, she learned how to read and understand Mac.

She knows how to interpret his rambling. She knows that no matter the situation, he’ll always put everyone else first. She knows that whatever crazy plan he’s come up with, it’s constructed with the best intentions.

She knows that no matter where he goes, and no matter what he does, her instinct is to trust him.

So she does.

With every ounce of her being.

She desperately wants to share this with him, especially if it would probably make him feel better. However, she knows the second she starts talking, she won’t be able to stop. Mac’s got a way of doing that, translating her thoughts into words that tumble out of her before she can control what they might mean.

The grin Mac throws her, which conveys understanding and amusement, allows the tension between them to dissipate.

“Speaking of Jack, he would absolutely kill me if I let you drive home in your state.”

Before she can get a word in edgewise, he’s already opening the passenger side door of his truck. The tone in his voice leaves little room for debate, as if he’s ready to refute whatever argument she can muster up, so Riley doesn’t argue.

She wants to, but just the idea of operating a car sounds exhausting.

Besides, she’s missed this. She’s missed Mac, not just as someone she’s possibly in love with, but as her best friend. With everything going on, she’s hardly been able to see him.

The absence of him in her life hurts just as much as having him in it.

She literally can’t win.

The silence that follows is comfortable, the rumbling engine serving as white noise to Riley as she dozes off against the window.

She tries to, anyway. Driving with Mac is always an adventure, which is useful when trying to avoid being killed by a terrorist organization. Maneuvering Los Angeles traffic? Way, way less so.

“Maybe driving myself home wouldn’t have been such a bad idea.” She mumbles, fighting the urge to grab the handle above the door.

“Hey! I always get us home in one piece.”

“Physically maybe,” an amused smile finds its way to Riley’s face, “But mentally? I should sue you for psychological trauma.”

The look of disbelief that follows is enough to get her through several lifetimes, or it could be the smile he struggles to hide under his offended facade.

“Ouch,” Mac puts his left hand over his heart, “That hurts right here, Riles.”

The nickname throws her off, causing her stomach to flip. It’s just a silly name, it shouldn’t affect her like this, but her heart still clenches uncomfortably.

She attempts to brush it off, trying for a humoring grin that feels more like a grimace.

Though the comfortable atmosphere doesn’t change, the playful energy is replaced by more silence. As buildings pass outside, all Riley can think about is how much she hates silence. Man, what she would do just to get rid of it for a little bit. It’s constant these days, and it always finds her no matter where she goes.

Her fingers tug at her bottom lip, a nervous habit she’s recently adopted, as she tries to think through possible solutions to the predicament she’s found herself in.

She must be pretty engrossed because it takes her a minute to realize Mac’s spoken again.

“What?” Her brain slows down enough to pick out his words, something about how much sleep she’s gotten recently, “Oh, I don’t know.”

She tries not to notice how concerned he looks when he asks, “You don’t know?”

Not really

Logically, she knows that she sleeps almost every night. How long? It’s hard to tell sometimes. If she’s lucky, she can get a couple hours in before her brain goes into hyperdrive. Other times, she’d rather be doing something productive on her rig instead of staring at her ceiling fan.

She props her elbow against the window and rests her head in her hand, “I guess it hasn’t been a priority.”

From the corner of her eye, she can see him open his mouth and close it abruptly, trying to find the right words to comfort or soothe her.

As always, Mac is trying to rectify the situation.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

She doesn’t miss the parallel and throws him the same reclusive look he had given her on multiple occasions.

“That’s my line.”

There’s an irritating tension that fills the space, like the feeling you get when you can’t get past a certain level on a video game. It’s a little stifling, urging Riley to do whatever it takes to make it disappear.

“C’mon Riley, you’ve been off ever since, you know, the whole codex situation. At first, I thought, well, it was kind of traumatizing for everyone involved, but then you moved out and,” He trails off, and she can physically see him putting all the working components together, “Is it the apartment?”

God, she wished it was just the apartment. Sure, it plays a part in all her problems right now, but she knows that it’s more of what the empty apartment represents than the apartment itself.

Still, she’s glad he came to that conclusion. It’s easier to lie to him when it doesn’t pertain to the actual issue at hand.

“The apartment’s fine,” she says after a moment of hesitation.

“It’s the AC unit, isn’t it?” His lips compress shortly before he shakes his head, “I knew I should have looked at it.”

As he starts ranting about the condenser coils in her air conditioner and how easy it is for them to get dirty, Riley can’t help but let a soft laugh fall from her lips.

“Mac, it’s not my air conditioning.”

When he opens his mouth to respond, she holds her hand up to stop him. “It’s not my heater either, or my ceiling fan, or anything that might require your unique expertise.”

“But it has something to do with the apartment.”

The statement is blanketed in excitement as if he knows he’s getting closer to uncovering the truth. He’s always been so obsessed with knowledge and learning, never quite capable of letting things go and living in ignorance.

His eyes light up with child-like curiosity; it’s highly annoying and endearing at the same time.

She feels her self control loosening.

With Mac, she feels secure, like maybe she can put herself back together again. She could confess to a crime, and he wouldn’t look at her any differently.

That helplessness kicks back in, tearing her apart from the inside.

When he slows to a stop in front of her complex, she hasn’t answered him yet.

In the back of her mind, she’s a little proud of herself for only joking about his driving once in the ten minutes it took to get there.

She stares at the lobby entrance and can feel the soft flannel of his shirt, giving him a hug before she exits his truck. She can hear the sleepiness in her voice as she leans against the door and tells him goodnight. She can see herself walk through the double doors and not turning around.

She can see it so clearly, but she remains planted in the passenger seat.

Fear tangles itself in her shoulders, in her stomach, in her heart.

Not just because she dreads the idea of spending another night counting the minutes before her alarm goes off, but because she doesn’t want to leave with their friendship in this state.

She just wants everything to go back to normal, to get back some semblance of their old friendship before she knew how she felt.

Mac waits beside her, a patient and comforting presence.

“It’s just so quiet. Up there, it’s just me and my thoughts. They never cease or quiet down; it’s a constant loop. I try listening to music or watching TV, but I can never focus on any of it. Then, I start panicking because I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. There’s no comfort, no stability. I’m just… alone.”

With every word, a little of the weight falls from her shoulders.

It almost feels like she can breathe again.

“The only time I don’t feel like that is when I’m working,” she clenches her hands in her lap, “At Phoenix, I can get to any room in the dark with my eyes closed, and I’m constantly surrounded by people I’ve known for years. It feels… safe.”

Mac’s silent, reaching over to grasp one of her hands.

“You don’t feel safe here?” He encloses her left hand between his own and squeezes, the pressure and warmth spreading through her body like wildfire.

She meets his eyes, “Not in the way that matters.”

He turns the truck off, hopping out before Riley can say anything else. He walks around the hood of the car and pulls the passenger door open, “Come on.”

“What are you doing?”

He helped her out of the truck, “You trust me, right?”

More than he’ll ever know.

“You know I do.” She eyed him suspiciously as he opened one of the complex’s doors for her, following as she entered.

“From what I can recall, Bozer got you a Nintendo Switch for your birthday earlier this year. It’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of destroying you in Super Smash Bros.”

His voice was quiet, trying not to disturb the people trying to sleep.

“First of all, you’ve never destroyed me in Super Smash Bros, and you never will if you keep playing with Luigi,” She grinned, watching as he shook his head in disagreement, “And second of all, it’s two in the morning.”

He shrugged, “That’s never stopped us before.”

He wasn’t wrong, but things were different now.

Riley tried not to think about Desi, wrapped up in Mac’s bed, peacefully sleeping and blissfully unaware of this entire exchange.

Not that she had anything to worry about.

It didn’t matter anyway because clearly, Riley had issues with saying “no” to Angus Macgyver.

“Fine, but prepare to get your ass beaten.”

He grinned triumphantly, “That sounds like a challenge.”

She unlocked her apartment door, stepping into the dark and quiet entryway. She faltered a little bit, her heartbeat quickening with newfound anxiety.

As always, the apartment radiated energy that always put Riley out of place.

Mac closed the door behind him, helping himself to any food he could find in her fridge. There was an intimacy to it, a closeness that made the apartment much more bearable. Her shoulders dropped a little, the anxiety easing a little as she took a deep breath.

She busied herself in the living room, connecting the switch to her TV and grabbing a variety of different pillows and blankets.

It was, after all, a tradition for these types of events.

Mac joined her after a couple of minutes with two beers, “Your fridge is worse than mine.”

“Will you get it started,” Riley ignore his comment, handing him one of the controllers, “ I’m going to change.”

When she returned in a comfy ensemble of leggings and a sweatshirt, Mac was scrolling through the character list. She hopped the back of the couch to sit next to him, watching as he hovered over Luigi for what feels like an eternity.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Mac’s determined expression didn’t falter, “You’re just jealous of my skills.”

Those skills proved to be no match for Riley’s, though, after she managed to beat him in the first game. It became much more entertaining when she did it again in the second. She tried not to laugh, but it became nearly impossible with his onslaught of complaints.

“You’re such a cheater, you can’t do that!” He pressed down hard on the keys as if smashing them harder will make Luigi speed up.

Jokes on him, Luigi was the slowest character in the game.

Very slowly, her exhaustion began to creep up on her. She knew she was done for when Mac actually managed to beat her. He seemed just as surprised as she was, but he suggested switching to a movie anyway.

They ended up choosing a documentary, something that Mac had been interested in watching recently. Riley didn’t care what they watched, as long as she got to lay down.

Mac placed a pillow in his lap and tapped it gently.

“So, was this your plan,” She comfortably adjusted her body, so her neck wasn’t in an awkward position propped up on the pillow.

In front of them, a monotone voice explained the phenomena surrounding the universe.

“Homo Sapiens are social creatures; we need people to survive,” Riley could feel Mac’s fingers coursing through her waves, creating a soothing pattern that calmed any remaining tension in her body.

“You feel comfortable at Phoenix, sitting around the fire pit at my house, or spending time with the team at the arcade because we’re there. It’s okay to need us, Riles, because trust me, we need you, too.”

Mac’s words barely resonate with her, and she hummed noncommittally in response.

His fingers gently combed through the tangles at the nape of her neck, “I don’t think we build homes in material things like houses or apartments, but rather, in the people we surround ourselves with.”

Laying there, with her head on his lap and his fingers in her hair, Riley could only think one thing:

He couldn’t be more right.

#macriley #macgyver #Angus MacGyver #riley davis #just cute things #hope you enjoy!!

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straight-to-the-pain · 4 years

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Torture 101: A Guide to Ineffective Interrogation

Step 1: Pick a suitable subject, preferably someone who looks like they might be guilty, or someone easy to crack. Maybe if you get them to confess you’ll finally get that promotion you’ve been dreaming about.

Step 2: Make sure they haven’t been allowed to sleep or eat, and strip them naked for added humiliation. The sleep deprivation and anxiety might make them forgetful, but it’ll also make them more pliable.

Step 3: Start with something light and not torturous, like waterboarding, before moving onto other more exciting things, like electrocution and beatings. Make sure to keep asking questions while you do this, at all times, such as when your captive is being choked, has their head underwater or is screaming from pain. If they don’t answer it’s because they’re not ready yet.

Step 4: Keep insulting and talking down to them, to make sure they know how much you hate them. This is sure to make them more likely to want to talk to you in the future.

Step 5: If they do give you information, assume that they are lying. You definitely can’t expect those bastards to give you the answers you want, however earnestly they are crying and pleading that they are telling the truth.

Step 6: While you’re doing this, don’t bother to use any investigative methods to find out what you need to know. After all, torture is a lot easier and a lot more fun.

Step 7: When you’re done, make sure you report some vague pieces of information that your colleagues gathered by some other methods as being a result of your torture. Write up the report for your boss, and wait for the praise from above to start rolling in. Try your best to sleep soundly, ignoring the trauma that you have caused to countless prisoners and yourself :)

#torture #this isn't exactly whump it's just satire about torture #and how ineffective it really is #this is sorta my response to watching a film about a really complex moral dilemma of whether or not to torture someone for the location #of some bombs #but like it's important to note that while interesting #the film does not present torture in the way it is most commonly used #also a friend requested I make a guide to torture but like #this is it #that's how it goes #it's useless and hurts everyone involved #just in case my stance on torture was not clear this is it #also the film was called unthinkable and like #it's a good film if you just wanna watch some torture #but as a moral discussion not really

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spaceskam · 4 years

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our fainted thrill carries on (1/13)

and the season 2 fix it is here! warning for anxiety, ptsd, canon referenced violence (aka mentions of jesse), etc!

ao3

Michael watched Isobel drag Max’s body across the ground.

She was yelling at him to help, Liz was arguing with her, Kyle was trying his best to subdue the situation, and Rosa had left the cave pretty much the moment he entered to get away from Isobel. It was all too much for him on top of all the other bullshit he was already feeling.

His hand throbbed, aching with a dull handprint with nothing on the other side. He was attached to nothing. He supposed this was the true feeling of emptiness. The worst part was that he was still pissed at Max. He was pissed at him for being selfish, for shooting at him, for healing him, for acting like his problems didn’t matter. But wasn’t he the dick for hating a guy who was dead in front of him?

“Michael! Help me!” Isobel spat.

“That pod’s broken,” he offered limply. They all gave him their attention for some reason.

“What do you mean it’s broken?” Kyle asked. He seemed to be the only one with a level head which made sense. He was a doctor and all. Plus, he’d been slightly less likely to die in the last 48 hours than the rest of them. Felt fair that he played the calm guy.

“You put him in that thing and he gets fucked up like Noah.”

Isobel gave an irritated, mournful whine and then started tugging Max’s body in the other direction. How much did Max weigh? Over 200lbs? Probably. He was tall and he worked out, so over 200 made sense. How did alien BMI work?

“Michael! Why are you just staring?! Help me!” Isobel spat, dragging him out of his thoughts. Or, kind of. He tried to focus, he really did. It didn’t seem to work, his mind drifting away soon after she got his attention.

He didn’t like this feeling, this emptiness. It brought him back to nights alone in the airstream when Max was always busy being a cop and Isobel was always busy with everything she could get her hands on. Bringing him back to those moments brought him back to missing Alex. It ripped that band-aid off, pushing him towards that crash landing like always. He hated it. But in the moment? In the moment it felt good. Maybe he could figure out a way to have both…

“Guerin,” Kyle suddenly said, right in front of him. He genuinely looked concerned which was strange. “Are you alright? Are you in shock or are you having a panic attack? Or something else? Are you sleep-deprived?”

Michael blinked a few times and then looked around. Liz and Isobel had gotten a blanket and were in the process of getting Max’s body in that blanket to make him easier to carry since Michael was useless.

“I’m fine,” he said. Kyle gave him a look.

“Go home,” he said. Which didn’t sound right and apparently his face betrayed that. “You’re not in a good state of mind and you’re not going to help anyone, especially not yourself, if you stay here. So go home and get some sleep. Can you drive?”

Michael nodded, “I can drive.”

And drive he did.

Alex eventually gave up waiting outside Michael’s trailer, realizing that he wasn’t coming home.

He tried not to jump to conclusions about why. He knew Michael had to be going through some shit on top of what happened the day before if that little moment he’d seen him said anything. He could give him some space until he was ready.

Or, at least that’s what he thought until he entered his cabin and found Michael sitting on his couch in the dark.

“Hey,” Alex said when he saw him, locking the three locks on his door behind him. Michael didn’t look up at him, face just so painstakingly sad as he stared at the coffee table. Alex dropped his keys in the bowl beside the door and just waited for him to say something or do something.

“Max is dead,” he whispered, voice breaking, “My mom is dead and Max is dead and Isobel told me I need to move on and I tried, but I… I don’t know why I’m here.”

Alex slowly walked towards him, deciding the best option was to treat him like a wounded animal. He didn’t ask any questions as he made himself known by stepping in his line of sight. He wasn’t sure if he could actually see him, but he was trying his best. Alex noticed his hand was no longer scarred, a glowing layer on top of his skin. He ignored the mixed feelings that stirred in his stomach at the sight.

“You’re always welcome here, okay? No questions asked, no matter what you do or need,” Alex promised. Michael blinked slowly and his eyes drifted slowly to meet Alex’s, his current state of mind portraying how much he didn’t believe him. “I’m not going to be another person you lose, alright? It’s not happening. Tell me what you need.”

Michael was silent for a moment and then another before Alex realized he didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know what he needed. He wondered if anyone had actually ever asked him that before. So, he stepped a little closer and slowly but surely pulled him into a hug. They didn’t hug often, but he needed it. Honestly, they both did.

What Alex didn’t say was that he was thankful he was here. Caulfield was all too fresh on his mind and, even someone as great at compartmentalizing as he was, it was hard when it involved someone he loved and that someone was not doing well in its aftermath. It was just more shit and he knew if he felt like that, Michael must’ve felt it even more. So he wasn’t going to add to it, he was going to take some away.

“I’m gonna go get you a blanket and you can sleep on the couch. I’ll call Liz or Kyle and have them fill me in, you sleep,” Alex whispered to him, trying his best to be some form of comfort. Michael held onto him for a little bit longer before eventually letting go.

Alex did as he promised, fetching a blanket from his bedroom as well as a pillow. Michael pulled off his boots and curled up on the couch while Alex covered him up. He watched him for a moment, watched him cocoon himself for some semblance of comfort. Alex’s heart ached for him, but he couldn’t just watch him all night, so he went to his room and got his phone.

He called Kyle and grabbed a notebook, taking notes as he got filled in so he’d be able to order his thoughts better. Max was dead, Rosa was alive, Isobel had insisted they work on bringing Max back, and Liz was refusing to acknowledge the facts.

“Okay, what do you need me to do?” Alex asked, drawing a line under the top half of his notes and starting his first bullet point.

“Um, I-I guess we’re going ahead and trying to fix Max,” Kyle said, his voice hesitant and unnerved. Which made sense. In the margin of the page, Alex scribbled ‘make Kyle talk about Caulfield’. “So if you can help me find a space to make a lab, I guess?”

“I can do that,” Alex agreed, “Guerin’s here by the way. I know you don’t care, but I figured Isobel might.”

“Okay, good, good. I’ll tell the girls,” Kyle said. Some rustling sounded on his end and then he spoke again in a hushed voice, “I, uh, also need to talk to you about your dad.”

Alex sat up straight, his eyebrows furrowing. His heart skipped a beat involuntarily and he grabbed the remote on his bedside table, turning on his TV that showed a screen of all the cameras he had around his house. No one was trespassing outside, the doors were all locked (though he’d double-check before he took his prosthetic off), and Michael was still in a ball on the couch.

“He tried to shoot me,” Kyle said, voice still soft but he was clearly on edge.

“Excuse me?”

“I was wearing a vest and I put him in a medically induced coma. I just got him in the hospital when Liz called me, so I know where he’s at and he’s incapacitated as of right now, but this isn’t forever. We need to move Project Shepard headquarters soon or it’s going to get bigger than this,” Kyle warned. Alex decided not to tell him that it already was bigger than this.

“Okay, I’ll work on shifting everything I’ll work on finding a lab space. Hopefully in the same building and we’ll see what we can do. We can talk more about the specifics tomorrow, I guess. Are you good, though?” Alex asked.

“I’m as good as I can be. Sore, a little confused on how to be a brother all of the sudden,” Kyle sighed, “Look, I gotta go. Liz is trying to fill Rosa in on a decade of information, so I’m gonna try to help or something. Fuck.”

“Okay, take care of yourself. Call me if anything goes bump during the night,” Alex told him.

“I will.”

They hung up without saying goodbye.

“Michael.”

Michael sighed and looked up from the car he was working. Isobel stood a few feet away, face cleaned up and dressed almost regal as if that would cover up the fact that Max died last night. He was dead. Dead, dead, dead.

“What?” he asked. She scoffed, shaking her head.

“What is going on with you? That was so uncharacteristic for you to just leave and then I find out you went to Alex’s? After everything you said yesterday?” she laid out, not wasting any time. He didn’t respond right away. He didn’t really know how to. There wasn’t much to say. He’d hit his limit.

“What do you want me to say, Isobel? Nothing happened between us, I just ended up there because…”

“Because you love him,” Isobel filled in. Michael turned his focus back to the car. “And I know nothing happened because there’s something wrong with you and I don’t know Alex that well, but I know enough that he wouldn’t do anything when you’re... like this. You were off before Max decided to play martyr. So, what happened? Tell me.”

His jaw clenched, gripping the hood of the car until his hands ached. His left hand had a glove on it, hiding the handprint that felt like a taunting reminder of everything, but it still seized up far too fast. It’d been hurting all night and now all day and Michael had to wonder what exactly Max did to him if he didn’t heal it.

“Michael,” Isobel said firmly.

“What? What do you want me to say?” he demanded, “If you knew I was so off, why didn’t you say anything when we were talking yesterday? I thought my relationship problems weren’t that big a deal compared to yours?” Her eyes narrowed at him.

“This isn’t a relationship problem,” she said, scoffing, “It feels closer to the way Max felt after he brought back Liz. Like something is literally wrong inside your head, you’re on edge.” Michael scoffed, slamming the hood and turning to face her. “I didn’t say anything then because I didn’t feel it as strong until Max’s went out. Liz thinks that since my connection to him is shut down, the one I have with you is stronger.”

He felt something hit him deep in his gut. How was she doing that? How was she talking about Max dying as if it was just a small inconvenience? Hell, he barely even liked Max half the time and it felt like much more than an inconvenience.

“Okay,” Michael said, waiting for her to go on. Waiting for her to give him more of a reason to speak.

“What is wrong with you?” she said, ordering him like always.

“Honestly, Iz, none of your business.”

He pushed past her, heading towards the airstream so he could try to order his thoughts. But she followed because of course she did.

“I reported Noah missing this morning,” she said, dropping the subject of him. That got him to stop walking. This was too much. As many times as they’d been involved with a murder, they never had been so close to that person when they were alive. Reporting him missing meant it was real, meant they were going to find him, meant they were on the radar. Isobel stepped closer, lowering her voice. “I did it so I wouldn’t be as suspicious, I need to play the part of a grieving widow and I need your help.”

“Need my help? For what?” Michael sighed. He was tired again. He’d slept so hard at Alex’s, how was he so tired already?

“Liz is going to be working on the science-y part of bringing Max back,” she said. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“What does that have to do with you playing widow?”

“I need you to help me work on my powers and work on the science part with her,” Isobel said. He still stared at her, wondering how overworking him meant helping her play a role. “But, when the time comes, I need you to be on your best behavior, okay? People know I’m friends with you and I don’t need them thinking one of us killed Noah to be together.”

Michael stared at her for a little while before nodding. What else was he supposed to do except agree? Still, she took it as a positive and hugged him.

“Also, I think I’ll have to keep some space from Liz and Rosa. Rosa kind of wasn’t happy about me staying at Max’s last night and looking at Liz kind of pisses me off right now.”

“Iz…”

“I know, I know. It’s not her fault Max did what he did, but I’m still working on that, I’ve only had a few hours,” she said. Michael nodded and she again gave him that look. “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen, okay?”

He wasn’t sure if he could believe that.

“So Rosa’s good and my dad’s stable?”

“Yeah, I did tests on both of them. Max literally healed her completely, like any sign that she’d ever abused narcotics are gone. Guy gave her a brand new brain,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes. Alex couldn’t help but give a little smile. “And, like I said, I’ll make sure to keep your dad under until you’re ready for it. It’ll be hard since Flint is technically his medical power of attorney, but I’m already breaking rules for worse shit, so.”

“Thank you, man, I really appreciate it,” Alex said, sipping on his beer. Kyle gave a warm smile.

“Rosa said she wants to see you, by the way,” Kyle said, sipping on his beer. Alex tilted his head. “Yeah, she told me she asked Liz to tell you, but I honestly don’t think Liz is on par with where Rosa is. Like, Rosa isn’t really adjusting to having everyone back in her life, just the time jump, so she wants her friends around and Liz is… struggling.”

“I mean, I don’t blame her. It’s gotta be hard,” he agreed. Kyle gave me a look that said ‘you have no idea’ and then took a large swig of his drink. “But, yeah, I’ll make time and I can go see her tomorrow morning.”

When Alex had woken up that morning, Michael wasn’t there anymore. However, his dirty clothes were and he’d stolen some of Alex’s because they were apparently on the level of relationship where he did his fucking laundry. Besides that, though, he made a pot of coffee before he left and Alex was content enough.

“Speaking of, uh,” Alex said, eying Kyle, “Are you good? It’s been a rough couple days. Where’s your head at?”

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “Alex Manes, are you trying to talk about feelings with me?”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Fuck off, I’m trying to be a good friend or whatever the fuck. Nevermind.”

With a laugh, Kyle said, “I’m okay, I’m just a little more paranoid which isn’t a bad thing considering. Are you okay, though? You and Guerin cut it close getting out of there.”

Alex shifted in his seat. He’d slept twice since Caulfield, but he could already tell he had a brand new shade of red added to his nightmares. Hell, the only thing that got him back to sleep the night before was seeing that Michael was safe on his couch through the cameras. Part of him wanted to ask Guerin to keep coming back every night, but he didn’t want to sound needy.

“I’ll be okay. I’m more worried about him though,” Alex admitted. Maybe he had too much to drink or too little to eat or both. Kyle didn’t say anything. “He was so shaken up.”

“Where’s he at now?”

“Knowing him? Drinking and fucking with shit to pretend like he’s fine,” Alex sighed.

“Pretty sure Liz is doing the same,” Kyle said, tilting his beer bottle behind him. Sure enough, Liz was a few seats away talking to Maria and taking shots. She didn’t seem to notice that they were there.

“He did what?” Liz said, her face twisted in response to the tequila and doing a fantastic job at hiding the fact her boyfriend just died and that she was harboring a zombie.

“He just left without telling me why and now he won’t respond!” Maria groaned, rolling her eyes, “Boys are so stupid.”

“I can’t believe he was even here yesterday,” Liz laughed. Alex couldn’t help but furrow his eyebrows, listening a little closer.

“Yeah, it was honestly kinda romantic before he left. He came in after the storm and just kissed me then played guitar for me, we kissed some more,” Maria said, giving an overexaggerated pout, “But then he ruined it by ignoring me, so.”

“Give him some time. I’m sure he had a good reason,” Liz said. Maria leaned a little closer.

“You know what was weird though? I noticed when he was playing‒his hand was healed. Like, I know it wasn’t like that two days ago, that’s weird, right?”

Alex felt his heart drop, confusion tying knots in his stomach. He kissed Maria. He went to Maria after he promised he would meet Alex, but then chose to go to him after Max died. What the hell did that mean? Was he too embarrassed to be sad in front of her? And to think he almost bought that she would actually step away.

But they weren’t together. Even if Caulfield happened, even if he tried to get his point across, even if he threw his dirty jeans in with his uniform that morning. They weren’t together.

Alex cleared his throat and tried to focus back on Kyle who was already watching him.

“You wanna go?” Kyle asked before he could even try to act like that hadn’t thrown him for a loop.

“Yes, actually.”

“Got it.”

“Oh, shit, you got buff.”

“Don’t tell him that.”

Alex grinned nonetheless, rolling his eyes as Rosa felt his biceps during their hug. He’d forgotten how much he missed her. It felt weird, hugging her and being reminded that she had been his idol back in the day. He’d wanted so badly to be like her when he was young, but now she was still 19 and he had grown out of everything she taught him.

“He already thinks he’s hot shit,” Kyle added once they pulled away.

“As if you don’t think you’re hot shit,” Alex shot back.

“Boys, boys, don’t fight, you’re both pretty,” Rosa insisted. They both let out soft laughs, sitting on the couch of Max Evans’ house like it was normal. But he supposed it would have to become normal.

“Where exactly is Liz?” Kyle asked, “I mean, I know they found Noah’s body this morning, but I thought she’d be here with you.”

“She left this morning to go to work and I think she has plans to meet up with the aliens to discuss what to do with the white savior,” Rosa explained. Alex snorted, folding in his lips to suppress a laugh.

“So, just a question, who all knows about this alien bullshit? Like who am I allowed to talk to?” Rosa asked, “Because the idea of being stuck here forever with just Liz and Isobel Evans dropping by kinda makes me want to scream.” Alex laughed, rubbing his leg mindlessly as he readjusted on Max’s stiff couch.

“Um, I think you’re all caught up on who knows. Me, Kyle, Michael, Isobel, Liz. That’s it, I think,” Alex said. He was technically leaving out a couple people, but that was territory he wasn’t in the mood for. Besides, those were the only people that mattered.

“What about Maria?”

“Why do you know, but not Maria?” Rosa asked, gesturing to Alex. That confused him and he looked to Kyle as if trying to understand why that had anything to do with anything. However, it became a little more clear when he remembered just how much of a package deal they’d been at one point in life.

“So, I don’t really wanna get into all the gritty details, but my dad was involved with alien shit. I found out through that and I’ve been using my military clearance to make sure no one gets caught when they do things like resurrect dead girls,” Alex pointed out, giving a teasing smile. Rosa snorted.

“You went into the military?”

“Air Force,” he said. She scoffed and leaned back into the couch, shaking her head at him.

“No wonder Liz thinks you’ve changed.”

Alex cocked an eyebrow. “She said that?”

“I mean, yeah,” Rosa said, “I asked if you could come over, but she acted like you weren’t the same person that you were when I saw you last and I had to ask Quarterback here to even get in touch with you.” Alex tried to not let that hit so hard. It made enough sense. It must’ve been hard to like him now that he wasn’t so nice, right? He shifted in his seat and Rosa, of course, spotted it immediately. “But fuck that, you know? I know Alex and you still own a room, so you’re still there.”

“He definitely does more than own a room now though,” Kyle jumped in. Rosa made a face like she didn’t have to be convinced to believe that.

“What about your music, though? Or boys? C’mon, give me all the gossip, I’ve missed out on a decade of boy drama. Spill.”

“Okay, I can’t really help on this topic, so I’m gonna raid the kitchen,” Kyle decided, earning laughs from both of them as he exited. But Rosa just leaned forward, eager for whatever he had to say.

“I don’t have much boy drama, sorry to disappoint,” he said, smiling sweetly. She rolled her eyes.

“Bullshit, you’re a fine piece of ass and you always have been,” Rosa insisted. Laughter bubbled out of Alex easier than it had in weeks. “At least what about Michael? He’s still around, so, like, something happened.”

Alex smiled a little sadly as she brought him up. He’d almost forgotten that she was the only one who knew, mainly because she was the only one who could see it from a mile away. He didn’t have to tell her anything, she just knew. She felt like his only safe space for so long and it was strange to remember that maybe, just maybe, he could have that back.

“Well, to shorten a long story, we’ve been kinda on and off since high school. We’re both just… It’s hard to be with someone when their family literally hunted your entire family, you know? I don’t blame him for not wanting me anymore,” he blurted. Rosa tilted her head, looking at him without a single ounce of pity. He loved her for it.

“Alex, fuck that. You’re a good person and if he doesn’t get that, then fuck him,” she said. He smiled and tossed his head back on the couch, groaning slightly.

“No, no, it’s just a lot. We keep just fucking up around each other. I push him away, he pushes me away, we never seem to be on the same page,” Alex tried.

“Then get on the same damn page,” she insisted. He looked over to her.

“How?”

“Alex, I know this sounds scary, but you speak to him.”

He huffed a laugh, glossing over how terrifying that actually sounded.

Talking with Rosa again felt like a certain type of therapy he didn’t know he needed, even if it was weird to throw Kyle in the mix. She was always able to unscramble things in his brain in a way that he understood. Even if right now, they were simply talking about what she’d missed over the last decade and they were skipping the serious stuff. This felt good.

A few hours passed and they’d agreed to hang out more until they could figure out what they were actually going to do about her. Honestly, it felt like the first conversation Alex had had in a while that wasn’t life or death. It was casual. And you know what?

Alex felt better.

The night before, after Alex had gotten back from the bar, Michael had shown up and let himself inside.

He was wearing his own clothes, the ones he stole from Alex nowhere to be seen, and crawled onto the couch without a word. Alex had watched in silent amazement as he re-locked the door without looking. He hoped one day he wouldn’t be so impressed every time Michael used his telekinesis. It would have to happen one day. Today wasn’t that day, though, and they shared no words as Alex let him sleep there. As confused as he was, he promised him a safe space and he wasn’t going to take that away.

If he slept a little better that night having Michael so close, no one had to know.

Tonight, Michael did the same thing. Alex, however, feeling a little more confident after his talk with Rosa, walked over to the back of the couch. With a mug of tea in his hands, he peered down at the man he loved more than anything in the world. He looked rough and sad, but equally adorable as he had the blanket pulled up to his nose. Eventually, he felt eyes on him.

“Is this your way of telling me to go?” Michael asked, his voice set like he expected this to happen despite the fact he never opened his eyes. Alex shook his head.

“No, I said you’re welcome and I meant it,” Alex told him, “But I do want to make it clear that I meant what I said before that too. I want to feel like myself and I want to stop fighting stupid battles and work on separating myself from my father. That means if we’re going to be around each other, things have to be different. We can’t repeat. We need to be completely open with each other so I can help you and your siblings.”

Michael opened his eyes, looking up at him with skepticism. He was always so skeptical of Alex unless they were fucking. What did that say about them as people?

“What if I don’t want your help?”

“Well, too bad. I’m doing it for more than just you. Which means I’m re-enlisting and I’m finding a space for you, Kyle, and Liz to use as a lab while working on whatever the hell Isobel is trying to do with Max that’ll be under military-grade protection,” Alex said honestly. Michael sat up so quick he almost fell off the couch. “But that being said, I would like your permission to look into your mother for just you.”

“Alex, I can’t let you‒”

“I want to.”

They stared at each other for a moment, letting the words sink in.

“Okay. Only if you want to,” Michael said, clearly still processing everything despite his words. Alex licked his lips and took a sip of his tea.

“And I know that you kissed Maria the other day,” Alex said boldly. Michael’s eyes flickered back up to him, frozen like he expected that to be the moment he was kicked out. “We’re not together, so I can’t be mad. But I’m letting you know I know.”

Michael just stared at him, not knowing what to say. That felt good. No wonder Michael left him speechless all the damn time. The power that held made him feel like he had control for once in his damn life.

“You’re still welcome here,” Alex told him before saying his goodnight and letting him curl back up on the couch.

Because, as honest as Alex was feeling, he couldn’t tell him how much he needed him only a few feet away.

#malex #malex fic #michael guerin #alex manes #roswell new mexico #my fic #our fainted thrill carries on #season 2 fix it

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cutietobio · 5 years

Note

Hello!! Sorry to bother you but, could you write a scenario with Bokuto in which the reader has had a terrible first week of school? Thank you so much!!

hey, anon! you’re not a bother at all. I hope you enjoy this, thank you for requesting. If your request is based on your experiences I hope that school will get better for you! ❤︎

also, I know the homework scenario might not be all that realistic, but oh well.

BOKUTO

Your first day back to school had been nothing short of terrible and you quickly realized it was due to the fact that you didn’t have Bokuto, your boyfriend, to cheer you up throughout the day anymore. Being a third-year and a year younger than your boyfriend, this meant he had already graduated Fukurōdani Academy, free from the hellish grasps of school.

You could tell Akaashi missed his presence too, however, the setter wouldn’t admit it. He did speak about how empty it was during volleyball practice, with you nodding in understanding, being able to relate with the emptiness in your heart. It may have seemed a bit pathetic, being dependent on Bokuto like this and allowing his absence to upset you. But during your first and second year of high school, he made it his priority to keep you happy. He wouldn’t allow a frown to remain on your face for too long, and he knew just how to replace it with a genuine smile in a matter of seconds.

And now, that was gone. Nobody had been able to cheer you up since you walked onto the school grounds that dreaded Monday morning. Akaashi tried, and you were grateful for it, but he just wasn’t Bokuto. Akaashi understood why his attempts at making you smile were failing and he even informed Bokuto of your sad nature through a text he sent his ex-ace during lunch.

The message worried Bokuto, he was unable to visit you due to being on vacation with his family, having already been gone for more than a week, but face-timed you as soon as you got home. Seeing his new sun-kissed face definitely helped and he shared words of encouragement, doing most of the talking.

“I love you, (Name). Be strong, okay? It’s not long now and then it will be over, we can move in together like we promised!” He excited voice filtered through the speaker of your phone and you grinned at his words, making his eyes light up at the sight of it. Even after both of you hung up and continued chatting through messenger, the smile on your face remained. He helped immensely, and now you felt as if you could take on the world, anything to survive until the end of the school year when both of you could fulfil your promise.

This happiness remained until Tuesday morning, but all came tumbling down throughout the school day as you were given task after task and multiple stacks of homework sheets to complete for the next day. It was hopeless, as you stared at your desk filled with over several things in need of completion for the next day. You knew your third year wouldn’t be easy, but you never expected it to get so stressful only after a day. Bokuto blew up your phone like crazy, concerned as to why you weren’t messaging him back. Your stare remained blank on your over-flowing desk, your procrastination a result of the overwhelming stress.

You managed to finish everything around two in the morning, deciding you wouldn’t rush through it, no matter how badly you wanted to so you could get it over with. You were adamant at keeping your grades as good as they usually were, even better, if possible. Before heading to bed, in which you would only be able to remain for about four hours, you texted Bokuto, ignoring the multitude of messages he had sent you during the time you were busy. You’d make sure to read them the next morning.

“Heading to bed now, sorry for not replying, busy day. I love you.” Even under your sleep-deprived state, you wouldn’t dare forget to remind him about how much you loved him. With the message sent, you fell right asleep.

Wednesday wasn’t brilliant either, you tried out for (insert sport of choice) club and could already tell you wouldn’t be getting in. Even if you did, there was no way you would become a regular. You wanted to blame it on the equipment or the lack of sleep you had last night but instead blamed yourself. You were the problem, you weren’t good enough. After tryouts, you ended up crying softly in a vacant stall of the empty girl’s bathroom, unable to hold it in until you got home.

Upon arriving home later that day, the only thing your energy-ridden body was able to execute was eating dinner and doing homework, knowing your answers to everything would all be wrong, seeing as you half-assed your way through everything. You didn’t even care at this point, the will to keep your grades up vanished, and fell asleep around seven in the evening, sending Bokuto a small message beforehand.

Bokuto read your message with a frown, going to bed at seven? He knew something must have happened and decided to call Akaashi, not wanting to wake you, knowing fully well that you must have been in need of the sleep. Especially since you went to bed at around two that morning. Bokuto counted the hours of sleep you would have gotten, and four made his stomach twist in anxiety, bothered by the state of your well-being.

Akaashi was unable to give him a definite reason as to why you weren’t acting your normal self, he just brought up the fact that you missed him and it may have had something to do with the overloading of work that the third-years were given. Bokuto understood, having been there before himself, he supposed it was much easier to get through due to having you by his side every school day (minus the rare occasions you were absent, Bokuto felt like he was dying during those days and would sulk around the whole day. Akaashi hated having to deal with him through it.) Bokuto was beginning to enjoy his vacation less and less, his minds plagued with the thought of you. Were you okay? What were you doing at that exact moment? Had you been…crying? The possibility alone was enough to make him want to do the same.

When you woke up that Thursday morning, it wasn’t to the tune of your alarm but instead your ringtone. Rolling over to grab your phone, you were surprised to find Bokuto calling you so early. You answered the call, mumbling out a sleepy, “Hello?” in greeting and in question.

The uneasy sound of his voice was evident through the speaker, his words jumbled up together at the fast rate he was speaking, with you unable to understand a thing. Eventually, you managed to calm him down and listen to what he had to say.

“(Name), I don’t know what’s going on. I understand you’re busy but I’m here for you angel. I’m worried about you, I couldn’t sleep last night at the thought of you being upset.” Hearing that made you feel worse, you had been burdening him?

“And don’t you dare think you’re a burden!” His voice raised louder this time and your eyes widened, were you speaking out loud or something?

“I know you’re thinking it.” He quickly added in and your rigid shoulders relaxed, your eyes closing as you laughed lightly. He laughed too, but you could tell by the sounds of it that he was still worried.

“Bokuto…” You started and he sighed out,

“I missed your voice, (Name).” His words came out as a genuine, longing mumble and you blushed at the sincerity of them.

“I miss you.” You said and he was quick to defend himself,

“I miss you too! Not just your voice, I miss you, your everything!” Hearing him frantically correct himself through the phone made you laugh again and he quietened down at the blissful sound.

Silence overcame the both of you, but it was comfortable, you laid with your eyes closed, heart-swelling and lips turned into a smile.

“Skip school tomorrow,” Bokuto spoke up, interrupting the silence. In the background, you could hear the sounds of a zipper. You would have accepted his suggestion, but

“I can’t, Bokuto. You know I can’t,” You sighed, the mentioning of school putting a damper on your mood. It was already ten past six, you would have to start getting ready for the day soon if you didn’t want to wind up being late. A shuffle and the opening of a door sounded through his line, you figured he must have been walking around.

“Fine, I’ll ask your mom.” He stated casually as if your mom would really be open to letting you stay home from school with no valid reason.

You couldn’t help but laugh at his bold statement, “Okay, if she says yes then sure.” You said confidently, knowing fully well that it wouldn’t come to that.

“Great!” He exclaimed, sounding pleased by your words. You shook your head, despite knowing he wouldn’t be able to see you doing so, yet you were proven wrong,

“I sense you shaking your head, don’t doubt my awesome persuasion skills. Plus, your mom loves me!” You couldn’t deny the fact that your mom really loved Bokuto, she would always bring up the topic of marriage when he was around and you would find an excuse to get away from it, wanting to spare yourself the embarrassment.

“We’ll see, also, what are you doing?” You questioned, the constant shuffling of what sounded like clothing beginning to intrigue you.

“Uh…” Bokuto fell silent, and you could tell he was searching his brain for any excuse he could give, “Nothing!” Wow.

“Anyway, don’t you have to get ready for school? Wouldn’t want you to be late.” He spoke quickly, hoping to change the subject which you quickly noticed was his intention.

“Oh? But you want me to skip school tomorrow, I don’t see the logic.” You smiled at the sound of him sighing out in fake annoyance.

“Don’t worry, I won’t force you to tell me.”

“Good, I’ll see you soon, babe. I love you!”

“I love you to- wait, soon?” Before you could question what he meant, he quickly hung up and you laughed out, finding his actions amusing.

“Oh, Bokuto…” You mumbled to yourself, smiling at your phone endearingly. A message suddenly popped out, it was no surprise that it had been sent by your boyfriend. You read the message and sighed out like a lovesick fool,

“I love you more!”

Nothing during that Thursday managed to put you down. Not even the handing out of an important math assignment or being informed that you didn’t become a regular on the club you signed up for. It was fine, there were many other clubs you could sign up for. Maybe you would get into volleyball this year, something your boyfriend suggested continuously, thinking you would be perfect for it.

The thought of pleasing him with such a decision made you even happier, confusing Akaashi throughout the day.

“Did you say something to (Name)?” He texted Bokuto, barely listening to you drone on about a new TV series you were excited for. Of course, it was one Bokuto had been raving about as well.

“We spoke over the phone this morning, why?” Bokuto sent back quickly, hoping Akaashi would be a bearer of good news.

“She’s much happier today.” Bokuto smiled at the message before locking his phone, his attention returning to the baggage carousel as he awaited the arrival of his luggage.

When you arrived home after school that day, you suspiciously found your front door already open. You would check the handle from time to time before using your keys, and were surprised to find out that the door had already been unlocked. Stuffing your keys into your pocket, you glanced at the driveway. It was definitely empty, had your mom forgotten to lock the door that morning?

Cautiously, you stepped inside, wanting to remain as quiet as possible as you made your way down the hall and into the living room. A small yelp left your lips as a figure came popping out from behind the wall, your eyes widening at the feeling of someone engulfing you into a warm hug.

There was no need to pull away in order to distinguish the person, his scent and the way your bodies fitted together so nicely giving away who it was.

“Bokuto!” You laughed out, arms immediately flying around his neck as you deepened the hug. He had been on vacation for two weeks and he was only supposed to return that Sunday.

“You’re back early!” You exclaimed, pulling away to look at him, only for him to kiss you deeply, unable to hold back at the sight of your face.

“Yeah, I couldn’t wait to see you!” He said breathlessly upon pulling away from the kiss, both of his hands coming up to cup your red face.

“Really?” You questioned out quietly, eyes searching his own.

“Of course! The resort was nice but my princess needed me more!” He grinned, only for it to disappear at the sight of your face conforming into that of sadness, tears escaping your eyes as you pulled him into a gentle hug. You didn’t mean to start crying, all the emotions you were currently feeling overwhelmed you. You hadn’t gotten over the upsetting events of the week and the rough reality that it would only get worse, but with Bokuto here now, you knew he would be able to help you get over it.

“Hey…” he spoke out softly, rubbing your back in comforting circles. His touch was light as if he were afraid you would break at any moment, feeling fragile in his arms.

“Don’t cry.” He mumbled, his chin resting upon your head before both of his arms wrapped around your upper body in a protective manner. The sounds of your quiet sobs and sniffles ached his heart, he felt terrible himself seeing you this way.

“You must have had a bad week, huh?” He questioned light-heartedly, trying to lift your spirits. His frown deepened when the only reaction he got from you was a nod of your head.

“Is there anyone I need to beat up? I’ll call Kuroo to help.” You laughed out weakly, hey, there’s a start.

“You want to talk about it?” He questioned carefully, not wanting to upset you further, but hearing you whisper out a small ‘yes,’ calmed his nerves.

“Okay,” Pulling away from the hug, he looked down at you with a soft smile.

“But then after that, no more crying.” You merely nodded in reply, both his thumbs coming up to wipe away the tears that escaped your eyes.

“Great, we have enough time, seeing as you’re staying home tomorrow.” His eyes glinted mischievously and you stared at him, puzzled.

“You mean…?”

“I told you your mom loves me!” You shook your head in response but ultimately ended up smiling at his excited nature,

“She’s not the only one who loves you.” You said and he blushed at your honesty,

“Yeah? Well, I love you more!”

The rest of the evening was spent discussing your terrible first few days of school, with Bokuto listening closely and giving his own input on certain things. It saddened him to hear you had suffered without him being there to help. But you shut him down quickly, stating that despite him having graduated and unable to attend school with you anymore, he was still your biggest source of happiness and it would forever remain that way.

So, what started as the dreadful first week of school, ended with tons of cuddling, tears of laughter (the only tears Bokuto would accept from you) and a lot of kisses. Oh, and he may or may not have helped you complete your whole math assignment due for that upcoming Monday.

#bokuto #bokuto x reader #bokuto haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #kotaro bokuto #kotaro bokuto x reader #haikyuu imagines

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depressed-sock · 5 years

Photo

Good Things Happen Bingo

A Fallen Hero fanfic

Cuddling

Kiyo/Steel/Ortega

(Reposting this now that my anxiety has decided to calm down. I also went ahead and added more to the ending!)

Tw: touch aversion/touch sensory being too much, anxiety attack/ beginning of a meltdown

"So the plan is…" you turn the paper in your hand eyeing the blank page before tossing it on Chen's desk with a sigh, "Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Because why on earth would we make a plan?!" You swing your chair around glaring at Chen as he casually sits back on his office couch. Reading glasses tilted on his nose so he can easily read the book in his hands.

"Is that your final verdict?" Voice steady with no sign of worry as he turns to the next page not looking up at you.

"You're supposed to be the planner why are you not planning?!" you're not panicking, You're Not!... Okay, maybe you're panicking a bit... "Chen we've got to figure this out or-"

"Kiyo," he sets his book down slightly as he stares directly at you, "Calm down."

"How am I supposed to calm down?! This is… this is..." you grip your head between your hands, before standing and walking towards him. He opens his arms and you haphazardly fall into the crook of his arm, burying your head into his chest to mumble your next words, "I don't want to fuck this up…"

He takes a moment to respond, hand slowly combing through your hair. You close your eyes as your arms tighten around him, letting his voice wash over you, "You're not going too. Kiyo this is just a date."

"It's my first date with both of you and I'm notoriously bad at relationships," your words muffled by his shirt.

"We're all notoriously bad at relationships," he chuckles and you can't help but join him.

You turn your head, looking up at him, finding him watching you with a small smile. "That is very true," You sigh, giving in and letting yourself settle back against him. You've all got your complications but lately… lately, it feels like yours stand out so much brighter than the others.

His hand continues to brush through your hair and you find your eyes becoming heavy. His hand is colder than any normal hand would be and you prefer it that way, though you would never actually tell him that. You have a feeling he wouldn’t appreciate the thought that it's just the right amount of inhuman. It doesn't bring back unwanted memories as it combs through your hair, doesn't bring with it the feeling of being too overwhelming.

You could never do this with Ortega. It's a thought that makes you sick to your stomach. You haven't lasted five minutes with Ortega holding you before his touch began to physically hurt you. Like being burned without the danger of fire. It wasn't like this before, you remember a time when it was so much easier and you actively sought his touch. You remember his hugs being warm and comforting. They were a reassurance that you were both there together and alive.

Now… now they didn't feel the same. They feel just a bit off, bringing back whispers of memories better off forgotten and it's enough to make you feel anywhere between your skin crawling in displeasure and feeling like someone has set a hot iron where he touched. You know there's nothing different from him that should have changed your reaction if anything his hugs are just a bit tighter as if he's afraid you'll disappear in front of his eyes but that's it. The only thing off is you. And you hate that.

"Do you need to get up?" A simple question that set’s off your paranoia, telling you Chen knows or has at least guessed far more than you've told him. You confirm it by the way you can feel the tinted worry of his thoughts, the way he realizes your body has tensed up too severely.

"No," you force yourself to relax, to calm down and to think of better things. "I’m fine. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for that," his voice is soft, so many things hidden in his words. You don't have to apologize for needing space. You don't have to apologize for taking your limits into consideration.

"It feels like I need to at least apologize to someone," you mutter to yourself, but you know he'll hear it with you being this close.

"Ortega?" He guesses correctly because of course it’s Ortega. Who else would you constantly panic about? It’s always Ortega... the man who has more power over you than he probably will ever realize.

You hesitate because he may know that Ortega’s apart of the problem but he doesn’t know everything else. Do you really want to admit this?... Do you really have a choice if you want to get better? "I’ve been… having trouble with people touching me...it's not as bad as when I first came back but…"

"It's still too much." The blunt truth he's not afraid to acknowledge. Not like you who keeps trying to skirt it, ignore it, hope that maybe it'll go away if you pretend to be fine long enough.

But you feel yourself breaking apart, something in the back of your mind begging for acknowledgment. "...yeah," your voice cracks as you feel the tears pricking at your eyes. You finally admit it because you know there's no use trying to pretend with Chen. You've told him more truths than you'd ever willingly tell Ortega. It's still too much and you know that if Ortega knew as much he'd be more hurt than you ever could be.

...He might also do something incredibly stupid. Which is why your plan is to keep him in the dark for as long as you can.

Chen hesitates on his next question, the one you can feel building in the back of his mind. He's already making guesses, already unsure of how to feel about the answer but it doesn't stop him from asking, "Why am I different?"

"...I don't think you'd like the answer," a soft warning begging for him to stop.

"I think I'd prefer an answer," a thought of but you don't have to tell me, left unspoken.

Your choice to ruin this. You sigh loudly, you fucking told him you'd be the one to fuck all this up, "...your hands...don't feel like real hands…"

He stops moving his hand and you can feel him tense beneath you. You shouldn't have said anything, should have just let it stay a mystery, should have-

"Oh," a soft click and everything falls into place in his mind. No urgency, no disgust. Just a calm blanket of nothingness that's carefully crafted to keep you out. Give him time to process without you jumping the gun.

But your mind is already panicking, a pit growing in your stomach as your thoughts overwhelm you. Bombarding you over and over again. Blaming, accusing, yelling lie after lie and you swallow it like it's the only truth available.

"...I should probably leave now," you force the words out, even as your throat closes around itself. Your body doesn't want to speak but you have to because that's what's expected. You try to push off him, only for him to put his left arm over you to keep you in place.

"Kiyo," his voice stern and you reluctantly look up at him. Dark eyes filled with immediate worry, "I need you to breathe."

"I am breathing," you think you say. But he's still staring at you expectantly like the words haven't left your mouth. So you close your eyes and rest your forehead against his chest. Forcing a breath in than out. Focusing on moving your thumb across the tops of your fingers, focusing on the way his arm is a bit too heavy, how it doesn't carry the same heat a real arm would have.

"I'm fine," the words come easier but not by much.

"You're having a panic attack."

"I'm not having a panic attack," it's definitely more of a mix between an anxiety attack and a meltdown.

He sighs loudly before opening up his book again, “I’m going to read out loud.”

“I’m not having a panic attack, I don’t need-.”

“I know. You can stay and listen or you can leave,” his arm moves off of you, leaving you an opening to escape. Your mind is screaming at you to take it, but when have you ever listened to it?

Ortega:

“Wei we need to talk-” you stop mid-sentence as the door pushes open too easily under your touch. You feel your face scrunch in confusion before you shake the thought out of your head and allow your steps to stride confidently forward. “Wei?” Your steps falter as you find him asleep on his office couch, glasses haphazardly falling off his face and his left arm wrapped around Kiyo’s sleeping form that lies on top of him.

You don’t bother to hide the soft smile that makes its way to your face. At least out of the three of you, two of you won’t be sleep deprived tomorrow. You think it should hurt more, how easily Kiyo can touch Wei. You don't think you've ever seen him hesitate to reach out for him… not like you’ve seen him do with you and others.

It should probably make you jealous, should bring forth some ugly emotion but it doesn't. It brings you a satisfaction and happiness that's almost indescribable. You turn to make your way back out, you can ask Wei later-

"Ortega?" Your name said so softly you almost miss it.

You stop, hand frozen as you reach for the doorknob, and when you turn back you find Kiyo's tired head raised up looking at you.

"Sorry didn't mean to wake you," you whisper, hand falling back to your side as you relax.

"You didn't," he rubs a fist into his left eye, trying to erase the sleep from it, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing important just needed to ask Chen something."

"Then why are you leaving?"

You can't help the chuckle that escapes as you notice the way his hair is now sticking up haphazardly, "Didn't want to disturb your sleep."

"Get over here idiot," he mumbles hand reaching out towards you. No hesitation.

Your smile grows and you walk to him letting your hand grip his, "I'm not sure Chen would appreciate-" he yanks you down and you follow the pull landing right on top of both of them.

"Ow," Chen mumbles opening one of his eyes to stare at the both of you, "You could have given me some warning Kiyo."

"I could've," he mumbles in agreement as his hand goes around your waist to help hold you in place against them.

"So what brought this on?" You laugh as you rest your head against Wei's chest, face equal with Kiyo's.

"...Nothing….And I definitely have no plans to push you off later."

"... that sounds exactly like-"

"I'm going to knock both of you off of me if you don't stop talking," Wei mutters shifting dangerously beneath you.

"Hey, I just got here!"

"Ortega shut up and go to sleep."

#fallen hero rebirth #Steelchargestep #kiyo basri #good things happen bingo #fallen hero: rebirth #my writing

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agreekdemigod · 5 years

Text

Coffee Whim

“Your designs are always so colorful.”

The brush traced a long curve in the canvas, lining in pastel colors the figure of a profile.

“Are you sure you don’t want any of them as your protagonist?”

The shadow must be done right, if he didn’t want it to look opaque. Light shades to enhance the curve of her cheeks and lips, curved in a peaceful smile.

“I wish I had such amazing ideas.”

Should he add a bit of orange at the tips of the petals? Or maybe at the base of the flowers. But then the colour would contrast with the blond of her hair and that just wouldn’t work.

The tips would be, then, but very slightly, as if the sunlight reflected in her curls.

“My eyes hurt a bit while watching it but it is indeed beautiful.”

Adding one last detail, Kaminari left the utensil in the table beside him, eyes fixed in his last piece of work, his breath uneasy as he watched nervously the face in front of him.

His brain hadn’t failed him this time. All the details were perfect, as if she was there in front of him, real and reachable.

The idea of calling his sister crossed his mind as the feeling of keeping it only for his eyes thickened in his chest.

Later, he would call later.

All his life, Kaminari has painted everything his mind provided.

His mother used to say she and his father had to run to stop him from painting the walls, at the time when “no’s” didn’t mean anything to him.

He was so small and still that didn't stop him from holding a crayon, even before he learnt how to walk without stumbling. And once his grandma bought him his first brush, he was unstoppable.

His sister only seemed to encourage him. Her bedroom walls were an explosion of colour, doodles of their garden, their family and just random stuff covering every inch from the base to where his tiny hand could reach. Their parents gave up soon after he decorated their own bedroom too.

They had another artist in the family, there was nothing else they could do to stop it. And in all truth, they didn’t want to.

The walls in the house were white but Denki brought them colour, just as he did with everything he touched and everyone he met.

His teachers said he had too much energy, that he was different. Some would tell his parents to find him activities to tire him up while others would state that he must learn to control himself, that everything could be solved with discipline.

The doctors gave his parents the name and a better way to deal with it and they accepted it as a part of the son they loved and cared about and heard attentively the recommendations that would help their kid to integrate in a society not as comprensible as them.

They encouraged him and were with him with every step he took, ready to catch him everytime he fell.

Denki learnt how to play the guitar from his father himself, and went to his first art class thanks to his mother.

He learnt that drawing helped him with his ADHD and that listening to things was an easier way to memorize complicated stuff.

He learnt the tricks to control his anxiety and how to make his hands movements less obvious in public, specially after being hours sitting in a classroom with his mind flying miles away from the teacher's explanation.

It wasn’t perfect and most of the times he still got nagged by the adults for not staying steady more than ten minutes but he learnt to get used to that too, to shrug off the harsh words or stares, even when sometimes they hurt so much that he had the go to hide in his mother's arms to find understanding

Things are inevitable in this world, she would say, pressing her cheek against his, her curls tickling Denki's skin.That close to her, he could smell her shampoo and the scent of coffee in her clothes. Things such as love and fate. And you, my dear, are one of those things. You are inevitable, Denki. Inevitable to love and impossible to forget and ignore. She would kiss his temple then and would caress his blonde hair with her nose as she whispered,

You are our star.

Denki loved coffee even before tasting it for the first time.

He loved the smell of it lingering on his house’s kitchen, the way his father seemed so happy while drinking it and the profundity of its colour, neither brown nor black and sometimes with a hint of gold.

And he loved its flavour, of course, the sweet and bitter taste of it against his tongue and the million ways it could be prepared and still taste so rich and contradictory.

He loved coffee and the way his mother would smile while preparing it, with the attentive stares of the three coffee addicts in the household on her, as they waited impatiently for it to be ready.

And he kept loving it, even after she wasn’t there to prepare it anymore.

“...now I have to find a new fucking job that isn’t a total waste of time and without a shitty pay.” Bakugou growled and Kaminari kicked a can in the middle of the street, doing it a couple of times more before picking it up, talking to the other end of the line as he did so.

“I mean, you could have let that old woman shout at you? I know it would have been shitty but at least that would have let you keep your job. It would be difficult to get hired at this time of the year.” The can clanked when he throw it in the trash bin, loud enough to rival Bakugo's rude scoff.

“And let that fucker continue her life without no one telling her how much she sucked? No way. I may have been fired but shit I don’t regret anything.”

Kaminari sighed but nodded nonetheless. He was right, this world sure needed more people that would face middle class woman to suck it up and stop acting as if everyone debt them something.

Bakugou started ranting again and Kaminari readjusted his grip on his backpack, heavy because of the new assignments and homework he didn't have the energy or motivation to do.

The second part of the semester had barely started and he could already feel the fatigue and stress of the upcoming final project.The fact that he should had started planning it weeks ago wasn't helping either.

And that's why he was there that day.

The tinkle of the doorbell of The Coffee Whim welcomed him as a feeling similar to homecoming replaced the anxiety on his chest and the warm and exquisite scent of the coffee filled his nostrils.

The place was rather small, with wooden floors and big picture windows towards the main street, sofas and rounded tables spread around in an organized disorder. The walls were surprisingly empty, though: only a poster of a porcelain cup and a cork board with coffee recipes hanging on the main wall.

“I'm saving the space for your works, dear.” The owner replied when Kaminari had mentioned it casually one afternoon. “Now, where is the promised portrait of my son?”

Denki had laughed before shrugging helplessly.

“He keeps running away everytime he sees me, how can I paint a kid like that?.”

Kaminari had known Mrs. Midoriya since the opening of the café. He had wandered there one night, back in his highschool days, in the middle of a sexuality crisis that had been eating him for the last year.

He must had been looking as pitiful as he felt because she had smiled kindly to his mumbling and added extra cream and chocolate chips to his order. Kaminari had loved her since then.

She wouldn't be there that time though, having getting married only a few days ago. Her honeymoon would probably last, at least, one more month, and Kaminari sure missed her as well as he was happy for her. (The premise was still open though which he was very thankful for)

The cafe was deserted that day, no sign of Mineta or any of the other baristas at the other side of the counter. They were probably in the kitchen, playing on their phones while enjoying the lazy day.

Instead, a black haired guy was behind the register, his black eyes looking uninterested at the numbers on the screen.

Kaminari stopped in his tracks when he got close enough to see his features. The guy wasn't someone he knew but there was something, like a sensation of deja vu in the back of his mind, that made him feel intrigued.

It had happened before, when he had met some of his friends, random people on the streets or even teachers.

Kirishima used to joke it was because they had met in another universe, maybe in a world of superheroes and villains( or in a medieval world depending on whatever Kirishima's mood that day was. They all had gotten use to his writer mumbling by that point.).

“Oi, are you still there, Denki?”

Bakugou’s voice brought him back, and the blond got suddenly aware of how strange he might look there, standing in the middle of the café while staring at an stranger.

“Just about to order some coffee before heading to the dorms, want me to get you something?”

“A macchiato.”

“Got it. See ya there.”

“Be quick.”

Kaminari put his phone on his hoodie's pocket, took a long breath and went right to the register where the guy hadn’t move an inch in the last minute.

The deja vu sensation stayed there, only increasing when the guy looked up and a pair of black eyes were directed at him.

Truth to be told, he looked miserable. That close, the blonde could see the bags under his eyes, the sick pale tone of his skin and a messy hair as if he hadn’t brushed it for three days straight. He also had one long strip hanging off his hoodie’s sleeve, for some reason.

And still, Kaminari could swear he felt like electricity, shivers of excitement going through his body, like the ones he had when inspiration strike him before painting a new work.

How strange.

“-do chai”

Sero stared at the yellow sun eyes for a long moment, his sleep deprived brain trying to focus on what the guy in front of him was saying, his senses still too numb to process anything that wasn't the utter pain of his back, after a whole night sitting on his desk working on a groupal homework assigned a week ago.

The guy looked around his age, tho he was significantly shorter. He black highlights in his golden hair, a pair of very pretty eyes and a friendly smile, wavering with nervousness as Sero’s silence prolonged.

Oh right. Coffee.

God, he was such a mess.

“Ah, I’m sorry but could you please repeat your order?”

The guy's smile turned sympathetic, in that weird way a college student can recognise another of their kind and their suffering.

“A macchiato and a nevado chai, please.”

As Sero worked, his arms moving as if they had been programated, he could feel the guy's gaze on him. Golden eyes following his movements with careful attention. Evaluating.

Had they met before? Sero couldn't tell, as tired as he was, but he was sure he would have remembered him. The guy was cute he couldn't deny that.

He was so going to regret not to try to start a conversation or getting his number, once he was wide awake again.

It would be for the best tho. It was too risky, he would probably said something that would ridicule himself, or even worse, something that could offend him.

So no hitting on that dude today.

Handling him his order, Sero looked at the names written in his messy calligraphy in both cups as they slid in the counter.

Denki. Katsuki.

Which one would be his name? The name Denki certainly fit him but who knows, maybe it was the other one. Guessing his name was probably the only thing he could do right now about this guy.

“It’s Denki” the guy said, and Sero blinked, realizing that he had been voicing his thoughts out loud for who knows how long. “Thanks for the coffee”

An small alarm voice started inside sero’s head as he watched the guy leave his cheeks itching in embarrassment.

Did he..?

No, he wouldn’t think about that right now. He just wouldn't,

Going to the kitchen to tell Mineta to get the fuck behind the counter (his break had finished five minutes ago), he noticed something by the corner of his eye, something long and white hanging of his right elbow, an strip of tape probably left by the twins before he got out of home that morning, as a reminder that he still had to fulfill his promise of playing with them that afternoon.

Shit.

His future self was going to regret so many things.

“...and he prepared the most amazing coffee, I swear. God, how can the same coffee taste so different? Kaminari's cheeks were flushed by the excitement as he moved his hands in big gestures, his sandwich longly forgotten in the tray in front of him.

His friends listened in different levels of attention, torned between their own food and the blonde’s story. The college’s cafeteria wasn’t really full that day so they could eat without missing a detail of the story.

“Tastes better when the barista is hot” Mina said and Kirishima laughed immediately. Kaminari wasn't going to deny it. Only facts allowed here. And it was a fact that the dude had been very attractive, yes. Just like his coffee was really good.

“You say that because you haven’t try it, but I’m serious here. It is amazing.”

“I don't know it seems biased. What do you say, Bakugou?” Said Kirisha as he elbowed Bakugo's side, who had been hearing the conversation in silence. “You went there this morning, don't you?”

Kaminari felt his eyebrows rise in surprise. He didn’t know that. And he shared a room with the dude.

“The coffee was decent”

Decent. The group let out a choir of “oh”'s in appreciation. If Bakugou was saying that then it meant it had really been something else, in a good way.

“And the guy?” Insisted Kirishima, excited for an opportunity to gossip.

Katsuki shrugged.

“Rather plain”

Kaminari rolled his eyes as his friends giggled around him. “Sometimes I think you are made of stone or something”

“You told me he had a long line of tape hanging off his elbow.”

“And that only makes him cuter”

“Uh-huh.”

“Wait, why did he have a tape strip on his elbow?”

Denki shrugged.

“It was already there when I went. He looked pretty tired too, as if he hadn't slept more than a couple of hours. And I can tell because he looked exactly like Bakugou does right now, except for the frown of course, and more handsome.”

“Shut up, dunce face.”

“Why are you so meaaan”

As the conversation trailed to another topic, Kaminari turned his attention back to his sandwich, his stomach growling in annoyance for having ignored it for so long. Mina inclined a bit into him, her black eyes staring at him with interest. “You know, you never told us his name.”

Another shrugg. “He wasn’t wearing his name tag”

Kirishima whistled, and suddenly all the attention was back at Kaminari. “The (still up to debate) handsome barista remains like a mystery” Bakugou barely blinked when everyone turned at him. “What nickname should we gave him?”

“Soy sauce”

“Rude. I suggest You-know-who.”

“And you call mine ‘rude’?”

“Tapey” Mina intervened, and everyone turned to look at her in silence before bursting again in complains.

“That is so lameee”

“And yikes.”

“Yeah, no cool at all.”

She had shrugged and gave them an small smile behind her smoothie.

“But it works better than yours, doesn’t it?”

They were willing to fight that. And they did.

Kaminari went to the café that same day once the classes were over. After the conversation with him friends at lunch, the mystery guy topic didn’t leave his brain for the rest of the day, his curiosity increasing as the hours passed.

The café was slightly less empty this time. Only three persons in line and two sit around at the tables. A friendly face was behind the register too.

“What’s up, Shouji?” He said, once his turn came, not even five minutes later. Sometimes it was like the guy had six arms or something. He moved so fast, not that he was complaining.“Feeling better after your rest? How’s Tokoyami?”

Shouji's eyes curved friendly, his mouth hidden behind a black mask with a toothy smile printed on it. ( It wasn't Shouji's style at all, too dark and edgy for that and Kaminari could bet that it was Tokoyami's, Shouji's best friend and roommate.)

“I'm recovered but he insisted that I should use it in case there was some germ around.” he explained, pointing at the mask. “My own are dirty so he let me his, refusing to let me go out if i didn’t wear it.”

“Aw, you guys are cute.”

Shouji ignored his comment. “Anyways, what is you order today?”

Kaminari smiled, trying to peek over Shouji’s shoulder to see if there was someone else behind the counter. It was impossible, the dude was huge.

“Just a latte this time.”

His friend nodded and gave him his change before going the kitchen’s entrance, his hands holding the door open as he peeked inside. “Hey Sero, we are almost out of milk, could you please take care of these orders while I go to the back and bring some?” Some incomprehensible words and Shouji nodded before disappearing inside.

Kaminari's heart jumped inside his chest when he saw the tall black haired boy from the day before got out of the kitchen. He was yawning lazily as he tied his apron back to its place and his face shined with recognition when he saw the blonde there.

Both guys blushed immediately. Their gazes trapped in each other for a few seconds before quickly looking away. It was an entertaining sight for the outsiders. And it would had been almost funny if it hadn’t been so lame.

“Your name” said Kaminari, breaking the silence. It came softly, almost like a whisper but he would take it. Better that than a cracked voice. At the barista's confused expression, he explained “You weren’t wearing a name tag the last time.” Or today. The realisation crossed the guy’s features once he looked down to his apron to see the empty space in the front of it.

“I probably took it off before doing the laundry. My mind has been floating around these last days” Not the best choice of words. The guy’s blush got more intense. “It’s Hanta, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” Kaminari said slowly, holding back a laugh at the guy distinct dorkiness, and trying to pronounce it carefully. “Hanta”

Hanta nodded and went back to work and Kaminari allowed himself of taking a deep breath, fanning himself with his hands to soothe his blush, drawing on the fact he was opposed to him.

Instead of going to any of the tables or sofas, Kaminari sit in one of the tabourets under the counter and waited for his coffee, trying not to stare too much at the barista and why he found him so fascinating.

He really didn't know why he was acting that way.

Maybe it was because he hadn’t had a real crush in years so his brain was overcoming it by making him act like a highschooler now that he finally has.

Or maybe it wasn’t and Denki was just .

The twinkling sound of the porcelain cup interrupted his train of thoughts as it was left in front of him.

“Here it is, a classic latte.” Hanta said, leaving as quickly as he came, ready to work on the next orders.

Kaminari didn’t pay much attention to it. He was still looking down at his coffee cup, where Sero had drawn a lighting in the foam.

Denki.

He waited until it dissolved before taking a sip.

As the bisexual disaster that he was, Kaminari took that as a sign to keep going to the café to talk more with the barista.

It started kinda awkward and timid, polite conversations made between breaks and orders as they both tested carefully the waters before taking an step.

Sero made a move first, asking for his number one night, just after Kaminari had finished his coffee and was ready to leave.

It was then when things started to move faster. Once they reached topics they were both interested in, all shyness was left behind.

Kaminari learnt Sero had his same age and that he was studying programming. He had three brothers, one older and two young ones, all boys.

“I like to babysit the twins.” He said when Denki asked him about them. “They are so different and at the same time so similar to each other. It just blows my mind.”

Sero learnt that Kaminari had one older sister and that he lived with one of his best friends. He also learnt he was taking painting classes outside the university, in a total different academy, and that he had been doing it for fun since he was ten.

“It is not like you stop once you know all the techniques” Kaminari had replied when he saw Sero's arched eyebrows. “You keep taking them because you just love them.”

They both liked video games and anime, and despite not liking exactly the same genres of music, they were similar enough to enjoy it. And the same went with sense of humour.

“Obviously the pikashook meme wins over the galaxy brain one.”

“You say that because it is like the golden age for pikashook but once it is over you will forget it just like any other trendy meme. But the galaxy brain one is a classic. Totally superior.”

There were times where they prefered to be silent, though, not because they were tired of talking, but because they enjoyed each other’s company without interruptions.

Kaminari used to observe him behind his coffee cup in those moments, taking mental notes of his features to sketch them later, without anyone to see it.

His art teacher had peeked over his shoulder one morning, nodding in approval at his draft.

“A nice face, you should paint him next time.” Kaminari had nodded and excused himself to go right to his dorm, hype to tell Bakugou what a professional had said and that his opinions were invalid.

At some point, it became a custom. Kaminari would stop by the café three or four time a week, (way more times he had visited the place in the last months) with the excuse of a coffee whim to tell Sero how his day went, the good and the bad anecdotes, brightening everytime he managed to get a laugh out of him and his heart expanding on his chest everytime he smiled at him.

So Kaminari kept ordering and Sero kept delivering,to the point that the coffee Denki had loved all his life became something even bigger for him. Something brighter.

Sero had watched Kaminari coming week after week for over a month now.

Sometimes in the morning, other times in the afternoon but thrice a week without fail, always carrying a backpack or a notebook. The days he wouldn’t they would chat until their phones ran out of battery or some of the blonde’s friend stole it because of the ‘bros before hoes’ rule (By Kaminari’s descriptions of them, they all sounded like awesome people.).

There would be times where Kaminari would cross the doors looking like a normal college student, wearing a jean jacket, a hoodie or in flannel, and others where he would look like a total disaster, his ripped old jeans and simple shirt covered in paint and marker stains. (Sero would secretly prefer that one a lot, with his hair tied in a messy ponytail, paint stains on a side of his face and his eyes sparkling with excitement as he asked for the day’s special.)

And he would always smile and Sero would be lying if he said he didn’t ask his grandma for more coffee tips so he could see more of that.

“It is weird for you to ask me all of this in such a short period of time.”she had told him in one of their calls, just a pair of days ago. Sero had tried to respond but she interrupted him. “And it can’t be only for your job. Don’t they have their own recipes? It must be for a certain someone. And I don’t like the idea of my secret tips being shared with an stranger.”

“I’m not gonna tell anyone, grandma, I will just prepare him the coffee.”

“So there is someone!” He decided to end the call there before she managed to get more information out of him and decided to tell his mom.

And just like that a month passed, with them talking over coffee cups and pastries, pretending it was something as casual as a friendship and ignoring the other's blush and secret stares, if only that bought them more time to not confess their feelings.

They would talk for hours until their voices got hoarse and his cheeks numb for how hard they had laughed, and once the night came Kaminari would say his goodbye and Sero would wave back, and they both will wait for the next time, looking forward for a conversation that hadn't happened yet, but they could imagine and replay in their head in such detail that it would be like a memory.

And then Kaminari broke the chain.

He had came one late afternoon, his hair even more messy and his shoulders dropped in surrender and Sero hadn't seen someone so miserable out of final exams season in such a long time.

“Cure my sorrows and pain with your magical coffee, oh good sir.” The blonde had mumbled, with his face against the counter, in front of where Hanta had been drying a cup because of the lack of customers in line.

Sero hadn’t said anything, he only stared at Denki for a few seconds before going to the coffee machine and return with a big plastic cup of a caramel coloured drink, with a lot of cream and syrup on top.

“Drown them all.” He said as he waited patiently for Kaminari to gain enough strength to rise his head and take a sip.

The impact was obvious. Denki's eyes opened in surprise as the mix of sugar and coffee exploded in his mouth and caressed his palate.

“Jesus Christ, what is this?”

Sero shrugged as if it wasn’t much, but the small curve of his lips betrayed his satisfaction.

“Just an Arequipe.”

The blonde shook slightly his head, as if trying to clear his thoughts, watching in astonishment the divine drink he was holding .“This is the first time I’ve tasted something like this”.

He could feel some remaining cream on the tip of his nose, but he couldn't care less. He would whip it later. “It is so sweet and cold. I’m about to cry.” He really felt tempted to, only to emphasize his point. “How did you know this?”

“My grandma is colombian, and every good colombian knows their coffee.”

“That’s awesome.” And then a question popped in his mind and he couldn't just not ask. “Can you talk in spanish then?”

Sero had smiled before saying:

“Un poquito.”

It physically hurt Denki not to scream. Dear god. Could he get anymore perfect? He made a dramatic play of a heart clenching and Sero let out a muffled laugh, watching attentive how Kaminari enjoyed his coffee.

“Back to your issue…” He said, after a long silence only interrupted by Denki's happy sighs.

“Give me a second to put my thoughts in order. I can't even remember it right now. This has cured my everything” He took another long sip. “Wow. Okay, so humm, well okay, I will explain it all in detail so you can’t miss a thing.” licking the cream out of his lips, Kaminari took a long breath before starting.

“I'm an animator student, and by the end of the semester we have this huge project where we write an script of a work of our own. It is not only an script tho, but a whole presentation of our story.” he explained, fidgening in his seat. “We write it all in a notebook, adding sketches of the places and the profiles and designs of the characters and it requires so many details and work to put it all together. It is like trying to put all your ideas in something real, in paper and ink.”

Sero let out a long whistle. “Man, that sure sounds cool”

“And it is! But it is also very frustrating because, what if i do it wrong? What if it ends up being the worst thing the teacher has ever read? I can't deal with this pressure, the ideas just don’t come.” Or not good ones, at least. “It is like I had lost the ability to create something that actually mattered.” Kaminari blushed, noticing how much he had said already. But the waterfall of words didn’t stop and they probably wouldn’t until he had said everything.

“And everyone seems always so focused on my work, comparing themselves with me and I don't understand. I ve seen their works and they are all so lovely, so different to my own.” The blonde bit his lower lip, as his hands played with the now empty cup. “ And i thought i was okay with that, you know. With my style being so colorful and weird and unconventional.”

The way he said it didn't make it sound like a compliment, despite that was everyone meant when they saw his works.

It never felt like it was one though, not even once,not for him.

“Recently when I see my ideas I just-I just can't seem to find them to be anything else than that. I only see them as obnoxious and it is killing me.”

Kaminari thought about his notebook of sketches, the art classes and the painting he kept in his apartment, hidden of the world’s eyes. “Because I do like drawing and creating. But now i wonder if that's enough. What can an artist do when they can’t create something that isn’t garbage?”

And cut. Kaminari took a long breath as he tried to relax his fists, his fingers numb by how strong his grip had been.

Sero hummed, and the blonde gulped in anticipation. The black haired guy seemed to be thinking about his words, his gaze low as if he was lost in his thoughts.

“I certainly can't tell you if you are or not talented enough,” he admitted, “I haven’t really seen any of your works and to be honest I don’t know if my opinion has much importance when I barely know anything about art”

Kamina wanted to fight that. Because it would, at least for him.

“But,” he said, the tip of his tongue poking softly his upper lip, as he tried to find the correct words to express his point of view. “Sometimes what makes humans to create good things isn’t only our confidence or talent, because we could have any of them, or even both, and that wouldn’t garantize us to stop procrastinating and start doing things.”

“Without resolve, us, creators, are just nothing. Because we could have many ideas, the resources and abilities to make it happen, and it would still mean nothing if we just don’t get in front of the screen or paper and start working on it. Do you have the talent? That’s really good. Do you have ideas? That’s even better. You don’t need the approval of the rest to do what you love, then why would you need it while you are creating it?”

Opening tenderly Kaminari’s fisted hands, Sero traced with his fingers the marks the nails had digged in the soft skin, looking at the stains of graphite in Denki's fingertips as he spoke.

“Have confidence and resolve, and then you will immediately have the talent everyone always talks about.”

The blonde looked at his extended palms and Sero’s own placed gently on them. They were different. Sero's fingers were longer and paler, kinda bony even. His were smaller in comparison, with round nails and rough palms. The contrast was fun to look at.

“That's” said Denki, after a short pause,where he let go Hanta's hands so he could look right at his black eyes “...some pretty good advice.

He was met with a playful smile.

“Barakamon's wise words.”

“I really do need to read the manga.”

Sighing, Kaminari smiled, his eyes shining like liquid gold as he took Sero’s hands to hold them again, their palms facing each other above the wooden table. “Thank you.” he said and Sero nodded, looking at their intertwined fingers with an small smile on his lips.

“Always glad to help.”

“If you could change something about yourself, what would that be?”

“Like a possible change? Or something you aren't but you wish you were?”

Denki shrugged. “As long as it is a change”

It had been a few days after the last time they had seen each other. Since the night Kaminari had gone to vent about his studies, their interactions seemed to have changed. Not a lot, but definitely different from how it was before. There was a feeling of trust there now, as well as an slight vulnerability, than instead of scare them out, only made their bond stronger, knowing the other one wouldn’t use it for their advantage.

They also touched a lot more too. they were starting to get more comfortable in getting into the other one’s personal space, as if the hand holding event had broke an unspoken restriction of physical contact.

And Kaminari had to admit, that he liked that.

Back to the present, Sero seemed to think a bit about the question before responding.

“My hairstyle, maybe? Mina keeps insisting that I should get an undercut asap.” (Yes, he knew Mina. Apparently they went to the same university. That’s why she had being so curious about his story when his description of Sero fit her friend’s looks. The world sure was small.)

Kaminari tried to picture him with an undercut and he found out that it was easier than he thought by how much it would suit him. His face would be more visible, changing his looks from relaxed fresh boy to mature and playful guy.

He would definitely look hot as fuck.

And people would start noticing it too, sadly.

“And why don't you do it?” he said, trying to sound unaffected.

“Because I'm scared of messing it up.”

Impossible.

“What about you?” asked Sero. “What would you change?”

Kaminari didn't hesitate. “I would like to have freckles.”

The blonde played with the spoon on his empty cup, his voice and smile going softer as if he was remembering something sweet, “My dad has them and so does my sister. I think I’m the only one that just wasn’t gifted with them.”

His mother had them too, around ten in every cheek. She had many more though, in the entirety of her shoulders upper arms. Like stardust.

A gentle poke on his face startled him.

“I think you have, though they are very tenuous.”Sero’s finger touched an small dot in Kaminari’s cheek, and then another one next to his ear. “More than freckles they look like tiny moles.”

There was one just above his upper lip too, just in the border of it and another one in the arc of his nose.

Hanta's finger caressed slightly the dots, following them all as if they lead somewhere, tracing an imaginary path in Denki's blushed skin.

The last one was next to Kaminaris right eye, that was widened in awe and embarrassment.

And alarm went off inside Sero’s head, too late as he registered his action and took off his hand out of Denki's freckled face. His own face flushing in an instant. “I’m sorry, I just-” He seemed as lost of words as the blonde himself.

Kaminari opened his mouth, his voice seemed to be failing him as his intense blush seemed to extend from his whole face to the tip of his ears.

“It is alright.” he finally managed to say, “It’s okay”

Kaminari tried to shrugged it off but the memory of Sero's eyes roaming over his features, his face so close to his that he felt his breath tickling his skin made him difficult to breath.

It had been overwhelmingly private. And somehow, deleitable.

Sero must have been thinking something similar because his face was getting redder as the minutes passed.

“I think your coffee is getting cold.” he croaked and Kaminari was suddenly aware of the few people who were also at the café and the messy notes and draws that he had left on the table, that were the main reason he had came today.

Mumbling a quick thanks and a goodbye, Denki stuffed all of his things on his backpack, his mind reproducing the moment again and again, and thoughts about what would have happened if he had close the distance between them there.

Yep, it was definitely time to go. He would tell him about his project next time he saw him.

Or text him. That sounded a lot better.

“I think I’m falling hard” said Denki that night, after staring at the ceiling for two long hours. In the bed at the opposite side of the room, Bakugou muffled against the pillot.

“For who? The plain dude from the café?”

“Okay first of all, he’s not plain. Have you seen those arms? Or that wide back? He has the most tender eyes too…-”

“I can see where your priorities are.”

“And secondly,” continued Kaminari “he makes the best coffee in town just so you know, so he's not just any dude from the café. He’s THE dude from the Café.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes and Kaminari sighed. That wasn’t even the point of all of this.

“I'm just saying, he's so nice and funny. And so considerate and he listens and…”

And he’s special.

Because he can give an amazing advice while referencing a shonen manga.

Because his laugh is so sincere and loud and joyful.

Because he makes this furrowed expression while he tries to decipher Mineta’s chicken scrawl and because he never really minds all the harsh complains some clients say unless it is something unfair or mean to his coworkers.

Because his jokes always make me laugh and because he gets all my vine references.

Because this is the first time I’ve feeling this strong about someone.

“I just don't feel like pretending we are only friends anymore.”

The sound of the sheats and the creaking of a bed made Kaminari turned his head, his golden eyes facing his friend’s red ones, both of their expressions neutrally serious as they looked at each other.

“I don’t fucking know. Have you tried asking Mina?

“I can’t, he’s her friend and she will embarrass me trying to organise a date or something”

Bakugou seemed to bite his tongue to hold back a biter reply. He closed his eyes before taking a short breath and said, his voice even and calm. “I thought you wanted to date him?”

“I do!”

“I understand no shit.”

Kaminari blushed, playing to intertwined his fingers just as he always did everytime he was feeling shy or he talked about something too personal. “But I want to ask him myself, you know. And also, I'm pretty scared. I haven't dated anyone since high school and you had seen how good things went back then.”

Bakugou hummed in agreement and Kaminari waited for him to say something else, the knowledge that will solve all his problems, a new point of view he had myself that the genius Bakugou had sure catched.

And then Katsuki said: “You are pretty fucked up.”

Kaminari almost got up to kick him and demand a true answer. Only the love for his friend and his self-preservation stopped him.

“Don’t you have anything else to say? I already know that.”

Silence. Or Bakugo had fallen asleep or was actively ignoring him. And since it was pretty late and his friend hated to be woken up for littleness, it was probably the second one.

But then Bakugo’s voice came very low, almost like a whisper, and Kaminari needed all his attention, to not miss a word.

“If you really like that asshole as you say you do,” he started, his voice steady and calm despite the harshness of his words. “then why not risk it and just ask him out? I mean, wouldn't that be better than just staying around watching him without really having any right to do more? Only because you were too scared to risk it? If you have the opportunity to make a move, because you know it is mutual, then you should stop being a pussy and just do it.”

They both remained still a few minutes, the words hanging above their heads in the silence of the room.

He was right.

And yes, Bakugo most of the time was but there was something now, not only in his voice but in his attitude, that made him look more mature, softer. Like if he talked from experience. Something had changed and Kaminari couldn’t tell what, how or when it had happened, but he sure liked it.

“Thanks man” he said and Bakugou hummed again, followed by a long comfortable silence after, the one someone shares with a roommate before going to sleep.

And then Kaminari interrupted it with “Hey, do you know that I have freckles”

“I would say they are more like small moles.”

“Yeah, he said that too!”

Bakugo groaned against his pillow. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I know right”

“When the fuck did this become a fucking sleepover talk?”

“The moment you gave me advice. You have exposed yourself, Katsuki. Now give me all those juicy gossips. I heard from Kirishima that there's this cute boy in your Ethics classe-”

Throwing a pilow at him, his friend screamed and cursed, the mature and empathic Bakugo disappearing in a matter of seconds leaving the classic angry dandelion they all loved and appreciated, jumping out of the bed and ready to fight Denki to death.

Kaminari’s giggles turned into peals of laughter once he saw his friend’s blushed face, and Bakugou started to curse even more colorful and louder.

They both ignored the protesting knocks on their door for the noise, as they played catch around the room as if they were kids, the atmosphere turning playful again.

Unsurprisingly, Mina arranged a date even without Kaminari asking.

“I can’t keep watching you two dancing around each other any longer.” She had said, when Kaminari had sent her a fifteen seconds long audio of him screaming “WHYYYYYYYYY”

“It is this sunday, 5.pm., in the east entry of the Amusement Park. And you better go or I will tell Jirou to kick your ass.”

To be honest, she didn’t need to. Kaminari was definitely going.

Sure, he was nervous and embarrassed as heck, but the idea of spending a whole afternoon with Sero, even if it was a fake date, made him shiver with excitement.do de

An hour before the meeting, Kaminari looked at his outfit’s reflection in the mirror for the third time already. He had bought a new pair of ankle boots only for that and even managed to convince Mina to let him one of her furry coats, after many hours of begging and promises of taking care of it over his life.

“Should I do something to my hair?” He asked Kirishima, who was laying on couch, watching lazily Kaminari’s efforts as he ate the last bag of potato chips in the apartment. Bakugou would probably kick his ass for that later but he didn’t seem to care much by his relaxed expression as he chew.

“Nah, leave it like that. Makes you look kinda wild” Perfect, then.

“Should I try cherry red or raspberry fuchsia lipstick?”

“Go fuchsia, man”

The make up were his sister’s, who had looked at him weird when he explained her why he needed it for. “Is it really necessary? It is only your first date with this guy.”

Yes, it was. It was part of the deal.

12:35: hey quick question, are we really doing that date this sunday

12:37: Yeah why not, Mina was so kind in asking me out for you.

12: 38: She said she was done. That we’ve been delaying it too much.

12:42: The nerve of that girl

12:43: Some people have never watch the teletubbies and learnt the important values of life and it shows.

12:45: I can’t believe I got asked out through my friend who also asked out the other person in my name

12:47: It is like a fanfic plot or something

12.48: Where the dudes decide to fake date so their friends can let them in peace

12:50:...and we were fake dating

12:50: omg we were fake dating

12: 55: what the heck does someone even does in a fake date

12: 56: idk, act like they care? Or pretend that they do not care as much as they do, depending on the fanfic.

12: 57: let's turn it into the next level then

12:57: I’m listening

12:58: Let’s care too much.

It had been an hilarious idea, and they both had agreed on it, but as Kaminari walked to their point of reunion he wondered if he hadn’t overdone it. Maybe the lennon sunglasses were just too much.

Act and look like if they were a pairing out of a cliche novel shouldn't be difficult but still, there was this tiny voice in his head that told him that maybe he had went too far, that he would scare Hanta away as all his other dates back then in high school.

But Kaminari wasn’t backing away now. He knew Sero and they had made a deal. He would have to wait to see him to see if he was up to the challenge or if he did got scared.

And he was not disappointed.

Just as they had agreed, Sero had been waiting in front of the ice cream bus track that always parked in front of the Amusement Park, wearing a pair of ripped sky-blue jeans, a turtleneck without sleeves and a fedora to top it all. He was also wearing hipster glasses, the thick black frame positioned elegantly in the arch of his nose, as if they had been made for him. The blonde took a mental note about asking him about his outfit later. Because damn.

The guy was good, Kaminari had to admit, but not enough to beat his raspberry fuchsia lipstick.

“Sorry for the wait. Ready to go?”

Sero turned, following the sound of his voice and Kaminari waited expectantly for a reaction, something in his face that told him that he liked the blonde's outfit.

For a moment it looked like he was about to burst into laughs but Hanta composed himself quickly before smiling charmingly and extending right arm, offering it to the blonde to hold as they walked. Cheesy.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

The best thing about autumn was that there was a lot of breeze.

And not the cold winter breeze, that makes your cheeks itch and freezed your fingers, no. But the refreshing autumn breeze that carried leaves around and smelled fresh and clean.

That afternoon though, the only thing Kaminari could smell was the snacks from the food stalls around them.

Denki inhaled deeply as he watched intensely the cans he was supposed to knock down, at least two if he wanted a decent price.

The man running the booth coughed impatiently and the blonde put his best Bakugou resting bitch face while actively ignoring him.

He was about to win this game. The man could wait.

Sero smiled apologetically at the booth's owner before elbowing him softly between the ribs. “Do you know that we still have another games to try, don't you?”

“After I get this one. I've almost done it”

Kaminari closed his eyes, trying to gain all the concentration before he directed his throw at his targets, with the confidence of a winner.

The luck was on his side.

The two cans that he needed fell to the ground, one of them knocking the other one as it fell, and the blonde smiled to the sound of the bell announcing his victory as the man told him to choose his price.

“A well earned plushie for you” Denki said to Sero, handling him the small stuffed animal of a fluffy grey chinchilla hanging from a keychain.

Sero received it with a wide smile, before hanging it from one of his belt loops. “Just for now, so I don’t lost it.” he explained. “This little guy would look perfect in my backpack.”

Humming happily, Kaminari scratched ‘win a plushie for him’ off his to-do-list, satisfaction filling him as he took Sero’s hand on his.

Kaminari couldn’t deny it, he was excited. He kept looking around, searching for activities to do together, trying to complete all the things-to-do in the least time possible.

His eyes sparkled when he saw another objective, Another point of their list that they still hadn’t achieve on sight.

Holding Sero’s hand to make him stop, Kaminari pointed a photo booth some meters behind him, the shiny lights glowing brightly, as if telling them to come inside.

“We gotta immortalise this moment,” he explained, while dragging him inside. “you don’t know when you will have another opportunity of having a fake date”

Hanta laughed as he watched Denki’s fingers roam over the buttons and options, choosing some before changing his mind and choosing again.

“Just choose the one the corniest one.”

“I'm trying to do that but I want them to match with my outfit.”Kaminari hummed before selecting one. “Okay this one is the one. May you do the honours?” He asked, pointing the button that would confirm it all and started taking the pictures.

They decided to get three pictures each once it was over.

“You can choose first.” Sero said, before pointing at the chinchilla hanging of the loop of his jeans. “You just won me this, it would be only fair”

“You bought me cotton candy before. We are technically even”

“Look at this little guy, and tell me he definitely isn't worth more than cotton candy.”

Kaminari didn’t need to look at the small puff the chinchilla was, with its tiny ears and black eyes, and its long and fluffy tail to know that it was the cutest thing he had ever seen.

“You made a damn good point.” He said before giving Sero the ones remaining and saving the other three in the pocket of his furry coat.

“Now let’s get in the line for the rollercoaster again, the one who screams first buys the other one a hot dog.”

“Deal.”

“You know if this wasn't a fake date then we should probably have gone and eaten something for dinner before the food stalls close up.” Sero said, once it started to get dark. Instead, Kaminari had looked at the red sky, orange and yellow mixing as the sun descended on the sea, and nodded his disagreement.

They had time and there was something more important to do now.

“This is a fake date” the blonde reminded him, pointing at the attraction in front of them with decision. “so, as the fake-dating-rules say, we shall get advantage of the sunset and go and watch it in the ferris wheel.”

Sero had looked at the ferris wheel, its colorful lights and the small line for it, before looking back to blonde, whose eyes were shining at the idea of getting up there, the excuse clear as water.

“Everything just to follow the fake dating rules.”

Kaminari smiled like a kid who had just received a candy.

To be fair, the fanfics had a point in using the ferris wheel for the climax of a date.

Sero had to admit the view from the top was pretty breathtaking. All the attraction’s lights and the people gathered around them under the orange sky. He could have appreciate it more though, if Kaminari hadn't been poking him in the leg every time he saw an All Might through the car's window as they ascended more and more.

“Have you notice how many kids are obsessed with All Might since the new season came out?” He had said earlier, when they had come across a group of children wearing the superhero costume. “It sure does bring back memories.”

Sero’s thoughts got interrupted by another poke from Denki, his eyes not moving from the window as he searched for the distinct blonde hairstyle amongst the crowd.

“Oh, there's another one.” Poke.

Hanta guy looked at the boy's features. The sunlight illuminating his face, turning his eyelashes and hair pure gold. It was entrancing,

He looked at the curve of his cheekbones, the small moles spread around the smooth skin and those raspberry colored lips that seemed to never stop smiling.

Sero wondered when it had been the last time he had been that immersed in someone to notice such small details, and to like every one of them.

Never, his brain responded, you’ve never fallen this hard.

If he kissed Kaminari right now, just as when they had joked before getting in, would the boy react well? Would he freeze in surprise, his body stiffening as Sero inclined to hug him? Would he kiss him back? His pretty eyelids closing as his tongue dance with his own?

He could. do it right now and find out. Less than thirty centimeters. He knew he wanted to, he had wanted it for a long time, but the idea of Kaminari rejecting him fueled his hesitation.

Kaminari poked him again, pointing at the window with a wide smile.

“Look there's a mini Eraserhead too!”

Hanta sighed and saw the blonde's eyes sparkling like stars, just as every time he got excited by something.

No, Sero wouldn’t do any move today and that wasn’t something bad

After all, Denki always was a beautiful sight.

After that one attraction they decided they couldn't delay their hunger any longer.

Their stomachs complained loudly, as a reminder that they hadn't received any food since lunch and Kaminari told him he knew a shortcut to the nearest McDonalds.

They got lost because who would have thought the same streets would look so different at night?

Apparently not Kaminari.

The cashier barely blinked when she saw them: two young boys dressed as vintage models, looking exhausted and ready to faint from starvation at any moment.

Kaminari went to search for a table as Sero ordered, releasing himself of the boots once he spotted a free table near the corner.

Checking his phone as he reclined his tired back against the cushions of the sofa, Kaminari unlocked his phone. It had stayed forgotten in his pocket the whole day. He had many messages from Mina(demanding him details about how the day went), a pair of Jirou and even one of his sister, who was asking him when he was free so they could have quality siblings time together.

He didn’t have any intention of answering Mina’s (at least not right now), but he answered Jiro’s and his sister’s before putting it back to his pocket, where he felt the smooth texture of the paper against his fingers.

Kaminari looked at the pictures they had taken on the photo cabin earlier that day, both of them smiling and doing silly poses and expressions. Each of them funny and completely unique.The last one was his favourite though. A picture of they laughing while looking at each other's eyes, totally lost in their own private joke.

Sero appeared a pair of minutes later, carrying a tray with their orders.

“So, a Macnificent, a Big Mac, two big portions of fries and one milkshake to share.”he said, holding two straws up so Kaminati could see them.

The blonde smiled cheekily, an eyebrow playfully raising as he looked at the straws.

“Damn it, boy, you really want to get in my pants, don’t you”

Hanta laughed, his eyes shining with amusement behind his glasses.

“Oh right I've been wanting to ask you, where did you get those glasses?

“They are actually mine” Sero explained as he took a bite of his burger. “though I mostly use them at home.”

“You wear contacts all the time?”

Sero shrugged. “I used to play volleyball in high school, so I had to get use to them.” He quirked his nose as if remembering something painful. “Volleyball and glasses aren't a good match.”

Kaminari cleaned his hands in the napkin before direct them to Sero’s glasses. He pulled them off and then on again, humming thoughtfully as he watched the other guy's face.

“It is weird, no, not weird, but seeing you with glasses… I don't know it feels different.”

“You know I'm nailing the Jeff Goldblum look”

“Blasphemy.” Kaminari said before nodding appreciatively. “But seriously, it isn't bad. think I actually like it.”

“I can't believe you when you are wearing Barney's furr.”

“Tell that right to Mina's face.”

The guy arched an eyebrow before pointing at Kaminari’s mouth.

“Is the lipstick also hers?”

“My sister's. It was this one or cherry red. I look amazing in both either way.”

“Woah you sure took your time to choose your outfit, huh”

Denki rolled his eyes.

“And you are telling me you didn’t? or is that turtleneck yours?” He snatched playfully the hat, Sero's smirk turning wider as Kaminari put it over his own head “And the rest?”

Sero snickered and sipped through his straw before nodding. “We may look extra but that isn't something bad” He looked so happy and relaxed there that Denki’s heart couldn’t help but flutter in his chest.

Christ, this guy was too much for him.

“We do, indeed.”

After that, they walked on silence to the bus stop, hearing the sounds of the street once the night was on its full.

Kaminari had given up on the boots, not willing to put them on again after freeing his feet, so he was walking on his socks now.

“At least until the bus arrives”, he explained to Sero’s exceptical look, “No way I’m walking bare feet on that cold metal.”

That had been once they got out of the restaurant. They were in silence now, the knowledge that the date was close to its end hanging heavy in the air.

“I had fun today” said Sero and Kaminari smiled back at him. He had smiled and laughed so much that day that only by doing that his cheeks hurt. How cool was that? A lot. A hella lot

“Yeah me too, I gotta thank Mina later for this”

He could already see Mina’s knowing-all smile, and her cheeky attitude once he told him how it all went. The worst part is that he really wanted to share it with her. She could be kinda nosy sometimes but she was always there when you need her. Kinda like a heroine.

“What did she say to you to convince you?” Kaminari asked, not even trying to hide his curiosity at that point. The whole day had been a ride (both figurative and literally.) and he was too tired to pretend right now.

“Isn’t being Mina enough?” Sero said and Kaminari nodded in an unspoken “Touché” as the silence sunk between them again.

At least until Sero asked suddenly. “Why do you think she had to convince me?”

The world seemed to stop then.

Kaminari gaped at him, his mind suddenly blank and his cheeks burning. His mouth moved automatically, the words leaving his tongue in an instant.

“Let’s go on a date again.” Both of them blinked at each other and Denki explained quickly: “Not today, of course! I meant another day, you know, without all of this fake dating thing.” Biting his lip nervously he said: “As ourselves.”

He could hear his heartbeats as he waited for an answer, playing with his fingers as he saw Sero’s mouth move in response.

“Bold of you to think I haven't been myself the whole day.”

Kaminari arched an eyebrow, then looked at Seros exposed arms and then back at his face. The guy snickered. He had been obviously kidding, the idiot. How dare he, didn’t he know how nervous he-

“Alright.” Sero said, shutting any complain up inside Kaminari’s head. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Hanta’s hand reached for his own, playing gently with his fingers before intertwining them and his smile was blinding and beautiful and Kaminari wondered why it took him so much to ask him out, thanking Mina a million times in his head.

“This time for real.” Sero said and Kaminari nodded. He couldn’t wait.

“Dude,” said Kirishima “this universe is so good.”

Kaminari spinned even faster on his chair, the world turning a blur around him. He was feeling particularly anxious that afternoon, which wasn’t contributing to his creative mood. An that was the main reason he had stayed in his room that day, instead of going to the café as always. To finish the rough draft of his project.

That had been the plan but...

“They are not gonna end up together, aren't they?” Kirishima asked and Kaminari winced internally. No, he didn’t plan to. They were only friends, their romantic partners weren’t going to appear until a few more events later.

“Please, tell me Elysia isn’t going to die.” She was already an orphan, no way he wasn’t giving her a happy ending.

“Aren’t you asking too many questions?” Bakugo frowned in confusion, pointing with his chin at the rest of the papers gathered around the carpet. “Isn't it all draw and written there?”

“Yes, but there’s parts that aren’t complete” Kirishima said as he handled the notes to Katsuki.“It is so good”

“It is still a work in progress,”Kaminari explained, as he stand up to open the window. So many spins had made him feel nauseous and he needed some fresh air to calm down a bit. There was also another reason, but he tried to ignore it “Just some ideas written around. I don’t even have a main character yet.”

“How is that possible? Dude, you have no idea how much I love it, I’d write a 34k fanfic about this, I’m dying to get to know more about this world.”

The fact that it was Kirishima the one saying that just made Kaminari’s anxiety grow stronger on his chest. He hadn’t been planning on showing it to his friends yet. Specially not Kirishima. They had just bursted in the middle of it, holding a bag with soda and snacks and declaring it a movie night.

And he was happy to see them, he always was, but he felt like he needed some time for himself for now. To create and think. And definitely not dealing with the pressure of his work being examined by his talented and creative friend.

“You don't have to compete with his ideas or do the same thing you know.” Mina said and Kaminari felt ashamed instantly, despite probably not being his fault at all. She was just too good at reading people.

The girl was looking at him from her position in the bed, far enough so the other two couldn’t hear them. “He doesn't really realises how intimidated people can get just by hearing his opinions, despite them being always positive. He’s that dense about his talent.”

Mina looked at the guys, to Bakugo’s thoughtful expression as he read the profiles of the characters and Kirishima’s excited chatter, showing the spiky blonde some of the landscapes Kaminari had draw.

“But the same goes for you.” continued Mina and Kaminari looked back at those black eyes, which looked at him with sincerity. “Believe me when I say we all admire you as or even much more than you admire us. You create such pretty things, Denki. And you bring them all to live with only a pencil or a brush and it is amazing. Like, really amazing.”

“We also know you had been having a creator’s block since some weeks ago.” Kaminari blinked at that, honestly surprised. He had tried to act like it hadn’t been bothering him but it seemed nothing went over his friends’ heads. Specially when you have someone as observant as Bakugou as your roommate. “Just don’t be scared in telling us your artistic problems, okay? We may not totally understand them but we want to be there for you. For everything.”

“I will, I promise.”

The pink haired girl smiled and layed totally down on his bed, pointing at the two other boys, who were still talking about the project. “You should try to add Sero to the squad you know”

“Oh my god, Mina.”

She shrugged. “If you won’t do it, I will.”

And the worst thing was that Denki actually knew she would.

Sero looked at the board without looking, his fingers tapping softly against the desk, in an imaginary rhythm only he could hear. In the front of the classroom the teacher was explaining something that sure would come in the exam but he had given up on trying to pay attention long ago. (He would have to ask his friends to send him their notes later, the audio he was recording wouldn’t be enough.)

There was only ten minutes left for the class to be over and still it felt like forever. Sero sighed as he unlocked his phone, not even bothering in going unnoticed.

1:20: Hey, do you like sushi?

1:23: is that where you are gonna take me today? ;)

1:23: Yeah, I like it. Let's go for Bubble tea at some point too

1:24: And pair it up with donuts :sparkle: :sparkle: :sparkle:

1:25: you know me ;*

“Who’s that?” Sero startled in the middle of his response and Satou hummed, peeking over his shoulder while trying to read what was on the screen.“Your girlfriend?”

In the seat on his left, Ojiro snickered.

“Don’t you know?” he said, reclining in his chair in the seat on his left as if he was telling them a secret. “He has a date today”

His friends let out a choir of whistles that turned into laughs when they saw Sero’s irritated expression.

“So that’s why you had been distracted the whole class, uh?” Hanta rolled his eyes despite the assumption being absolutely correct. But they didn’t need to know that.

The bell rang and the teacher dismissed them all with a nod and Sero used the opportunity to fled off the classroom, not willing to give any more details to his friends that they will sure save for blackmail him later.

The day was sunny, which was weird, being winter so close, but Sero enjoyed the warm sunlight as he walked to the meeting point, his heart beating strongly in his chest with anticipation.

Kaminari wasn’t there yet, which wasn’t a surprise. Sero had noticed that the blonde always seemed to be running to get on time to his meetings. He tended to get distracted very easily and once he realised how much time has passed, he was already late.

Sero spotted Kaminari as he turned a corner, watching him waiting for the traffic light to turn red before crossing the road.

No ankle boots, lennon glasses nor raspberry lipstick. Just the classic Denki, with his hair tied up in a ponytail and wearing a jean jacket and a simple t-shirt, looking as excited and nervous as he felt.

A date as ourselves.

It wasn’t that unplanned tho. They would go for sushi and watch a movie. Hanta had already bought the tickets, two seats in the middle row (not too close, not too far) for the 10PM play.

In the meantime they could do whatever they wanted.

“Let’s go to the arcade,” Kaminari said, once they got out of the restaurant. They spent two hours there before getting bored and that’s when they started suggesting places to go, dismissing the ones that would take too much time for another occasion.

No to the zoo, yes to the karaoke.

Who would have known that Denki knew a respectable list of 70’s songs?

No to the ice skating parlor, yes to abandoned house near the park.

It was all laughs and fun until they found a creepy doll. They ran their asses outta there.

“I feel like eating ice cream” said Kaminari, once they got near the beach, the colourful light of the Amusement Park shining in the distance. Sero was following some steps behind him, feeling the breeze against his skin and revolving his hair. He felt tempted to take his shoes off and submerge his feet on the sea, hearing the sound of the water splashing with every step he make.

And then he looked up to find Denki doing exactly that. He was already calves in, his jeans rolled up so they didn’t get wet as he jumped around.

“What are you waiting for?” He said and Sero shook his head to him, not even trying to hold back his smile. Because, of course, Denki had had the same impulse. Sero would never get tired of discovering the puzzle Kaminari Denki was.

Leaving his converse next to Denki’s, Hanta ran to the sea, the cold water caressing his skin as he joined the blonde.

Hours later, they were still on the beach, throwing rocks at the sea and competing to see who throw it the farthest. The conversation had died a while ago, both of them enjoying each other’s company under the starry sky.

Kaminari wasn’t paying much attention to the competition though, because right there, sitting that close to Sero on the sand, he could see every feature of his face, from the tip of his ear to the curve of his chin.

Bakugou’s comment echoed inside his head. “Plain”.

“Oh, shit our movie is starting in half an hour” Hanta said, when an alarm on his phone ran off. He didn’t rush Denki as he put his shoes on though, waiting patiently as the blonde shook the sand out of his jeans. “Do you think we have time to get some bubble tea on our way there?”

Yeah, Denki still couldn’t see how an smile like that could have any of ordinary.

“There’s always time for bubble tea.” He answered and the taller guy chuckled, holding his hand as he lead the way to the mall.

Sero’s stupid jokes and Denki’s obnoxious laughs almost got them kicked out of the theater, almost an hour later. They didn’t care though, they were too busy eating the donuts they had hidden in their clothes, sugar powder falling falling on their jeans and covering their cheeks as if they were kids again. Indeed, a perfect date.

Following the map on his phone, Sero took a moment to compare the address before entering into an small neighbourhood. White and beige houses were displayed in order with mailboxes with the family names written elegantly on them and Sero stopped in front of the only house that was breaking the silence, and that coincidentally matched the address that Mina had sent him.

The sound of the drums was loud and probably the reason no one answered the doorbell, so Sero found himself following the tunes through the already open doors of the garage and hoping it didn't count as trespassing. And by the sight of the animal print backpack dropped in one of the wooden chairs of the garden, Sero knew he had found the right house.

Mina had failed to mention that there would have been more people there too. (And it had been on purpose, Sero could tell, after spotting Denki in a corner of the garage, casually playing the guitar as he heard his friends yelling beside him.)

“You gotta get the tempo right! Have in mind that they all will follow you, idiot.” screamed one of them, an ash blonde guy with a frightening scowl and angry red eyes.

“I know!” The guy in the drums responded, a redhead with strong arms and a sprightly smile, that didn’t even flinched when the blonde slapped the back of his head, as if he was used to it.

“Then why do you keep accelerating, you dumbass!” growling, the blonde turned to Denki, noticing Sero’s presence by the corner of his eye.

The sudden silence made the other two to look up to his direction, the spiky redhead barely raising an eyebrow as Denki’s eyes widen in stupefaction.

“What are you doing here?” Denki asked when he approached him. He was smiling though, and Sero felt his body relax under his golden gaze.

“Mina forgot his speaker and told me to get it for her since I was still at uni.” Sero hold the bright pink device up so Denki could see it. “What was all of that?”

Denki smiled sheepishly, his gaze turning at his friends.

“do you see the spiky redhead there? That’s Kirishima. He usually plays the bass but suddenly he decided he wanted to try the drums.” Hanta looked at the boys who were back at their bickering. “Bakugo’s been trying to teach him but he’s too impatient. Mina got tired of them so she went to the kitchen for snacks.” he explained. “Give me a second I will go for her”

Sero felt the gazes turn at him once more after Denki disappeared behind a door. They didn’t say a thing though, they just stayed there evaluating him in terrifying silence while Hanta did his best in trying to ignore them. Denki used to look at him like, before they exchanged numbers and stories.Sometimes he still looked at him like that.

“Sero!” exclaimed a feminine voice and Sero barely had time to blink before a body collided with his and hold him in a tight hug. Mina’s pink curls tickled his neck and Sero chuckled as she released him as fast as she had came. She had already taken the speaker out of his hands before he could say a word. (It wasn’t really a surprise to find out she was already friends with Denki. They both had the same chaotic energy, Sero was more surprised he didn’t take it for granted.)

What happened after that was a blur in his memory. Sero had mentioned something about going back and suddenly Mina was shoving Denki by the wrist at him, saying something about their houses being in the same direction before pushing them both out of the garage and closing the door behind them with an slam.

“Do you tend to do this a lot?” he asked, once he recovered. Denki’s guitar wouldn’t fit on his bicycle so Hanta was leading it as they walked, his eyes fixated on the pavement in front of his feet.

“We are approaching finals so we wanted to release some stress making noise before starting again.”said the blonde “Sometimes when we are all free we give small concerts.”

Hanta turned his head to him so fast he nearly strained his neck, his mouth falling open in shock. “You are kidding me”

Denki tried to hold back his smile by biting his lower lip instead. He seemed kinda proud as he talked. “I’m seriously not. Kirishima’s uncle has an small bar and he lets us play there from time to time.” He turned in a corner and Hanta followed him. They had already passed the avenue that leaded to his own home but Hanta didn't care, he was enjoying the company. “We are trying to find someone that knows how to play the music keyboard so if you are interested, just tell me.” He winked, jokingly and Hanta seriously considered telling him that he actually knew the basics only to see his cheeks turning a cute shade of red.

Denki stopped in front of an apartment building and suddenly the atmosphere was heavy again, crowded in unsaid questions.

“We are here” the blonde said, and Hanta wanted to believe his hesitation was because he didn’t want to say goodbye either. Not yet. “is your house near?”

“We may have passed it already.” Hanta confessed and since he was already doing that, he decided to risk it, trying to ignore his heart throbbing like crazy inside his chest. “I just wanted to expend some more time with you.”

Denki gaped like a fish for a few seconds, his eyes not meeting his as he opened the door, the invitation clear in his tone as he said, “What about a movie then?” and before Sero could say something he was already inside, and the taller guy could swear he saw a hint of redness in his ears.

The blonde’s apartment was on the second floor and it was bigger than Hanta expected, enough for two people to live there without feeling like trapped in a cage. It’s interior was red brick, with a white ceiling that matched the rug that covered the center of the wooden floor.

There were two beds, at the opposite wall of the entrance door, and two personal wardrobes next to each one. A white door was between them, probably the entrance of the bathroom, and windows in the sidewalls.

The small living room was formed by a green sofa, a beanbag and a desk in each sidewall, with two shelves above each of them.

The blonde had told him that he shared the place with Bakugou, so Hanta was expecting his side to be kinda rough, something that was a resemblance of his attitude.

Intead, Bakugo's side was impeccable, and it was Kaminari's side the one that looked chaotic, painting utensils, clothes, manga and papers were scattered everywhere, as if it was a tornado’s doing.

But the most noticeable thing was the canvas that was displayed on the sofa, a painting of a woman with her eyes closed and flowers in her hair, her golden curls adorning a face covered in freckles.

“She's my mom” Kaminari said and Hanta noticed that while he was there daydreaming, Denki had already picked everything up. “It is my best painting so far.”

And he might not said it, but Hanta had the feeling that it was also the most important for him.

“You look a lot like her.” Hanta said and Kaminari smiled, trying to ignore the ache he felt on his chest, a pain he felt every time he saw the painting.

It was a bittersweet feeling, of having someone you lost in front of you, so detailed and perfect and still, finding it lacking: no trace of the sound of her laugh, the shine of her eyes, the tinkle of her voice as she called him and his sister for dinner.

It was empty, and still, it managed to fool his eyes.

“I get that a lot.” Denki responded. “It seems I took a lot after her and my sister after my dad. I don’t have the curls or freckles tho, as you can see.”

In all honesty, Kaminari forgot the painting was there, he had gotten used to think it was inside his closet, hidden of the world and his own eyes. But his sister had com to visit the day before and he knew he couldn’t not tell her about it, between her visit, that lasted until midnight, and the early band practice from today, Denki had forgotten everything about the painting,that was there in the middle of his sofa for everyone to see.

Sero hummed thoughtfully before asking,“And why the flowers?”

The question shouldn’t have hurt so much.

“They are lillies. She loved nature. Our whole house looked like a flower shop, we had so many plants there.” It still did. His father never stopped taking care of her plants, no matter how tired he was after a full day of work. His father, who had to raise two children alone and that drinked tea instead of coffee since she passed away. “She didn’t seem to have a favourite though, so I had to do my research on them to decide which one I should choose.”

He didn’t dare to ask his father if she had a favourite plant. He was the man that lost his heart but kept living nevertheless.

The love story of their parents always amazed him. A college girl who met his future husband in a beach concert. A guy that played in a rock band and that fell for the girl whose arms were covered in flower tattoos, petals and leaves decorating her skin.

“Yellow lillies are beautiful and elegant.” explained Kaminari, brushing softly with his fingertips the painted blossoms.“They also symbolize thankfulness and desire of enjoyment. There’s people who associates them with negative meanings, bad luck, falsity, as well as happiness or joy.” Kaminari wondered what kind of face he was making. Was it reflecting the homesickness he was feeling? “I decided to stay with desire of enjoyment. Because my mom was like that, free and soft and extraordinary.”

Their mom told his sister that falling in love with their father was easy, that she felt so quickly that it was alarming. And that still, she felt no fear, because her love was bigger than it. A love like that. So big, so deep. So easy.

It sounded like a fairy tale and still, he witnessed it, how they were around each other. As if they were about to burst into a musical at any moment,

“Disgustingly in love”, would say his sister, always smiling.

“She sounds like an amazing person.” Hanta said, and Denki blinked away the tears he didn’t know that were gathering in the corner of his eyes.

“She was.” he agreed and then he added, “I still can’t decide which one of you makes a better coffee though.”

Sero looked at the calendar and counted again the days he had left until his deadline. Almost a month. Then he counted the days he would need to study for his other exams, the homework he still had to do and the courses that would probably leave him more. That leave him with two weeks more or less. Two weeks to finish the prototype of a videogame for the most important course of the semester.

He should have started it already. Actually, he had but he didn't plan on using that first attempt as his final work. So he was behind the schedule, but it was alright, because he would rather sacrifice some nights of sleep now than later, he would the energy once exams arrive.

It wasn’t a pleasant thought, tough.

Maybe if he finished on time he could ask Denki out again, maybe this time to the zoo, or any of the other places they had agree to visit another time, in their latest date.

Sero knew it would be impossible. By the time he’d finish, exam's week would had already started, and Denki would be busy with his own exams as well. Hanta hoped he wasn't as stuck as he was with his project, because the blonde had been sending him his ideas for already three weeks and Sero thought that it would be a shame if he didn’t see the end of that story.

What was the advice he had told to Denki, around two months ago, about being a creator?

“Have confidence and determination and then the talent would bloom” Hanta whispered to his ceiling. Or something amongst those lines.

Where did that come from? Definitely a moment of inspiration, Sero couldn’t imagine himself saying something like that again, not even in his best pep-talk.

But he did, once, and Denki had believed him and the prove of it wa sthe pictures he had now of his phone, sketches and messy notes that created new worlds by themselves.

Finish on time. Do it right.

He didn’t need to choose between them if he made other decision instead.

Sighing, Hanta picked up and dialed the numbers of the Coffee Whim.

“It is finals week in our uni” Shouji said when Kaminari had asked him about Sero's absence. “He has taken the last two weeks off, though I wouldn't be surprised if he didnt come some days after. You know how tiring it can be”.

Kaminari had nodded and thanked for the coffee before going back to his place on the sofa.

He hasn't seeing Sero since that movie night, almost three weeks ago. They hadn’t text much either, between his classes and homeworks, the blonde’s energy focused on study to pass his exams, that were just about to start that week. And now, knowing that Sero was the busy one made it impossible.

So the week passed, with the café empty and no sign of Sero, Kaminari coming everyday once the afternoon started and his exams were over, looking at the register and sitting on the table beside the window, drawing and writing, his story taking form in front of his eyes as the ink filled the white pages of the notebook. An story about a ordinary character, that by being surrounded by the unconvencional, was unique.

A knock on the door brought Sero back to the reality.

The door opened swiftly to show his mother, holding a tray with sandwiches and a big milkshake and the boy’s stomach growled loudly with hunger. “I brought some snacks.” she said and just then Sero realised he had been working non stop for seven hours. His fingers felt cramped and his back and neck felt as tense as a violin cord. The incomplete software was shining in his laptop screen, reminding him the time left he had to finish it and some parts of the story he still had to add. But those sandwiches looked good and so did the milkshake, and his mother had made them for him after arriving home after work so Sero decided to stop for a minute. He needed a break.

His mom stayed in the room, sitting besides him in the bed as she watched him eat, her black eyes shining in relief and the slight hint of an smile in the curve of her lips. She was still wearing her work attire, a long tube skirt with a white blouse and a red handkerchief around her neck. She hadn’t even took his make up off and Sero felt a wave of love filling his chest despite the numb state his brain was at the moment. His mom sure was the best.

“How was work?” he asked, once his stomach calmed enough to let his brain formulate words. There was only one sandwich left but Sero concentrated on the milkshake, enjoying the sweet flavour against his tongue.

His mom shrugged. “Kinda boring.”

“No interesting stories then?”

“Oh no, there's always drama in the airport. Nothing really remarkable this time tho.” her long red nails brushed his hair from the front to the back, as she did when he was a kid. He must really look horrible if she was doing that. “What about you? Are you close to finish it?”

Hanta didn’t look at her eyes.“Something like that.”

“One of those days, uh” Sometimes she could read him too easily.

Sero fidgeted in his chair, suddenly interested in the shelf in front of his bed, his figures way more interesting than his mother evaluating gaze.

“Remember when your brother taught you how to ride a bike?” she said after a moment and Sero couldn’t help but raise a brow..

Teach was an overstatement.

“You mean when he just left me in the top of an slope and waited for me to do it by myself.”

“Yes, I taught him that way too”

Sero hold back a laugh. So that's why his brother never got grounded.

“Also he told me you already knew the basics, it was time for him to let you go.”

“Debatable.”

She ignored him.

“I've seen many parents helping their kids when they learn. And I did that too, at the beginning.”

“Marco only did it like four or five times” Sero replied.

“More than enough. I only did it tree times for him.”

“Jesus, mom.”

“Don’t be like that, it was a very small slope.” She said “what i mean is that sometimes kids just need to prove the hardest thing, just to acquire something more important that succeed: experience. Oh, don't look at me like that, niño. Or are you gonna tell me that you didn’t enjoy the rush of adrenaline once your brain assimilated the fear and proceed to act? Overcoming it and try to do something. Anything! Because If you were going to fall, you would fall by your own terms.” Her soft hand cupped his cheek and Sero reclined in it.

“Sometimes i feel like you have changed a little with your experiences, but that’s okay, because you are still turning out and you learn from your mistakes. Just remember that I will always be here to remind you that sometimes it is better to take a risk. In everything.”

She kissed his forehead and Sero sighed, inevitably.

“Don’t doubt and don’t be scared, because when you are already falling you have nothing to lose. And knee scraps almost never leave scars.”

He was late.

The teacher had had a problem with her car and the class representative had told them to wait for another hour until she arrived. They just couldn't leave their notebooks, she wanted to ask them about them, confirm that they were the right authors and to exploit every piece of information they had not noted.

So they needed to wait.

The hours seem to last eternities and Kaminari had never hated that his last name was one of the lasts in the list.

The traffic was a disaster too. Winter had came and with it the snow and half of the buses in the city were stuck in the traffic. More time passed as he waited for a bus that never seemed to came and Kaminari was late, so he decided to ran.

He ran through the cold streets, his breath creating puffs in the cold air as he ran all the way to the café.

He wished it didn’t close, that maybe Sero was still there, delaying it because someone told him that Denki had gone there everyday and that he planned to do the same that day too.

And Kaminari ran. And he wished.

Sero had closed the cafe late that day.

It had been a busy day. It was the last day of finals and the eve of a long vacation term and the college students felt like treating themselves with caffeine and sugar after having survived hell.

Mineta was still mia (he would call him later, the dude always overdone it for finals) and Shouji had left early so he could go out with his (boy)friend. (Sero had to insist. He had been the only one working while the rest of them studied. He deserved the break.) He himself had finished his exams the day before, and he had never felt prouder of presenting a work on time. (He slept for fifteen hours after that, practically fainting on top of his bed with a victory smile.)

Right then though, he took orders, prepared, served and even greeted some friends and familiar faces, compensating for the days of absence with even more energy while doing his tasks.

“A vanilla cappuccino and a macchiato” a voice said and Sero looked up from the register to found himself in front of Denki’s roommate and friend, Bakugou, who was looking as exhausted and dead inside as everyone else.

Hanta wondered if he should greet him or try to make an small conversation, after all he had been in the guy’s house, but Bakugou didn’t make any sign of recognising him. Instead, the blonde looked silently at the small box next to the register before picking up one of the chocolate chips cookies bags displayed in it, not willing to look at Sero at the eyes as he asked for the price.

“I thought Denki would have been here” Bakugou said, while receiving his change. Hanta frowned in confusion.

“I hadn’t seen him in weeks”

“You must be blind then because he had come everyday in the last week”. Sero’s eyes widened in surprise and the blonde looked at him with curiosity before going back to his table, handling the cookie bag to the freckled guy that was waiting him there.

Hanta repeated that part of the conversation in his head for the rest of the night, unaware of the passing of the time as he swept the floor and cleaned the tables.

He didn’t notice the clock marking that it was already half an hour after closing time, or the clumsiness of his movements as tiredness started to affect him.

And once he heard the footsteps and the doorbell as the doors opened, every sign of exhaustion vanished from his body, his heart stopping for a second at the sight of a messy blond, with his cheeks and hands pinks for the cold and his breath uneven as he gasped, “A coffee, please”

Compared to outside, the Coffee Whim was cozy and warm and Kaminari’s muscles relaxed at the change of temperature.

Hanta had gone behind the counter, opening and closing cupboards before pouring the ingredients in the machine with ease.

Denki just observed, taking every detail of him in, trying to find small changes compared to the last time they had met. But aside from the bags under his eyes, practically hidden behind the frame of his glasses, he found none and he found it more comforting than he thought.

An small cup was slid softly to his direction and Kaminari looked down to the smiley face Sero had draw on the foam, the sweet smell of the coffee filling his nostrils before taking it to his lips.

“This…” he whispered, after a long sip and Hanta’s smile made Kaminari’s heart made a somersault in his chest.

“This time it is not a Nevado, it is too cold for that.” Sero explained, “ But I thought you might needed something sweet. This is the warm and original version: An Arequipe Latte.”

Kaminari sighed happily, his body welcoming the hot drink as his tongue drowned in its sweet taste. A cozy feeling filling him from head to toes the more he drank it.“I'm gonna marry you one of these days.” he said and Sero huffed at his dramatism.

Once he had finished it all, the blonde asked, “I see your finals are over. How did it go?”

Hanta shrugged. “It was rough, not gonna lie, but it turned out fine at the end. Very good actually, I’m satisfied with the results.” He poked kindly Denki’s hand, positioned on top of the wooden table. “And yours?”

“I won't know the results till monday but I'm positive.” Denki thought of his project, his explanation of it and the teacher's face as she checked the notebook. He closed his eyes at the memory of her asking him if she could keep it for a few days and the encouraging smile she gave to him before closing the door behind him. “I really want to nail this.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m sure you are gonna kick some asses there.”

Denki mirrored his smile and then there was silence between them again, a comfortable one, as they both lost in the comfort that being with each other was.

At least until Kaminari’s phone rang, the pop song cutting the atmosphere like a knife.

It wasn’t nothing important, only an old alarm he had forgotten to deactivate, but it reminded Denki how late it was, his muscles suddenly aching with the realization.

“I think it is time to go home” he said, rather hesitantly, as he got up of the chair. He didn’t make any more move though, watching Hanta as he put his coat on and turning the last lights off before getting next to him to walk to the bus stop together.

The snow had already started to accumulate in the streets by the time they spotted the bus stop from afar, and despite being a cold night, Kaminari found himself extending his arm to catch the snowflakes, even if they gave him goosebumps when they made contact with his skin. Carefully, Hanta took his hand on his own to put them both in his coat’s pocket, protecting them of the cold temperature, the warm of his palm transfering to his own.

“You know, I tend to do stupid things when I’m tired.” said Sero, as they approached more and more their destination. Their steps had turned slower though, prolonging their time together as long as possible neither of them wanting to say goodbye.

Hanta hadn’t let go his hand yet, and Denki felt his hand squeeze his as Sero turned his body to face him, so close, he could see through his glasses clearly.

“Really? I do them all the time” said Kaminari, suddenly out of breath and his eyes roamed over Hanta’s features, searching for any sign that revealed a doubt, a rejection. There was none. Quite the contrary even, as Denki watched his lips quirk in a shy smile, the blush extending to his ears as Hanta looked back at him, at his lips. “It must be really annoying.”

“It is,” Hanta said and then there was a hand caressing softly Denki’s cheek, raising his chin with cold fingers and touching lovingly the corner of his mouth, and the blonde felt a dejavu as he felt his breath against his skin, his heart stopping as Hanta whispered, “but I think I won’t call it a mistake this time.”

The long awaited kiss was soft and tender, almost shy, and both guys closed his eyes as they hugged each other closer, their lips parting almost immediately with craving. It tasted sweet and slightly bitter and Denki stood on his tiptoes to get to taste more of it.

Hanta and coffee, coffee and Hanta.

He almost whined when they had to separate to breath, joining their foreheads together as Hanta chuckled against his mouth.

“Suddenly I feel like drinking coffee again.” He said and Denki pulled him down by the collar of his coat because for the first time on his life, he did not. He found that he liked Hanta’s lips even more.

#coffee whim #kamisero #full cowl bang #coffee shop au #alternate universe #bnha

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navienmate · 3 years

Text

Can lack of sleep increase risk of dementia?

We all know that proper sleep is essential for overall health. In a previous blog post, we discussed how beneficial sleep is for the proper function of the immune system. But did you know that getting adequate sleep isn’t just great for keeping your immune system at its best? It can also lower your risk of dementia.

Sleeping difficulty

Getting a poor night’s sleep is a common problem among Americans. After all, there are many reasons and factors for inadequate sleep: stress, anxiety, work, chores, sleep disorders, among others. In fact, approximately one-third of Americans do not get proper sleep a few nights every week. And as you already know, sleep deprivation comes with a slew of adverse effects on your overall health, and those who do not get adequate sleep are more likely to suffer from chronic illnesses, brain diseases included.

The science behind sleep and dementia

Several studies and expert advice are suggesting that insufficient sleep is a risk factor for dementia. Here’s what science tells us about the correlation between sleep and dementia:

After studying more than 2,800 adults (ages 65 and older), researchers at Harvard Medical School found out that individuals who sleep fewer than five hours every night had twice the risk of developing dementia compared to those who had six to eight hours of sleep per night. The study also concluded that those who took over 30 minutes to fall asleep possessed a 45% higher risk of having dementia.

Another set of researchers in Europe studied 8,000 individuals and found out that older adults (ages 50 to 70) who spend fewer than six hours of sleep every day had a 30% higher risk of developing dementia than those who complete seven to eight hours of sleep.

Dr. Oscar Chien, MD also talked about the impact of lack of sleep on our overall health. According to him, prolonged sleep deprivation can impair your brain and may even lead to Parkinson’s disease, amnesia, and Alzheimer’s disease.

The doctor also discussed how it weakens the immune system, “The weakening of immunity will gradually be felt. Some people will ignore it at first, and assume they have allergic symptoms. But eventually, they will notice that they often catch colds and often have wound infections, and even their skin will begin to change.”

How to sleep better at night?

The good news is you can lower your risk of dementia by getting adequate sleep every day. For instance, if you only sleep less than five hours a day because you’re busy working, you may want to restructure your schedule and allot at least seven hours of your time for sleep. And while increasing your sleeping hours sounds like a great idea, resting beyond the required number of hours may result in poor sleep the following day.

Here are some tips to help you get a good night’s sleep:

Follow a sleeping schedule

Come up with a sleep schedule of the same bedtime and wake-up time every day. Lower your exposure to light a few minutes before bedtime.

When you’re exposed to light, your brain automatically starts producing melatonin, also known as the sleep hormone, making you feel more alert and awake.

Quit unhealthy habits

Inadequate sleep may be a risk factor for dementia, but so are excessive smoking and alcohol use. Smoking increases the risk of developing sleep problems like sleep apnea. On the other hand, science says that alcohol can disrupt the production of melatonin in your brain. As a result, alcoholic people don’t sleep well and wake up the next day not feeling well-rested.

Smokers are at higher risk of developing vascular illnesses, which can cause the increased dementia risk.

Exercise regularly

Get regular exercise to reset your internal body clock.

Staying active during the day supports your internal clock, making it easier for you to fall asleep at night. Likewise, regular exercise promotes better melanin production.

Sleep comfortably

If you’ve tried all the tips but you’re still missing out on sweet dreams, it might be time to consider replacing and purchasing new additions to your bed. Flat pillows should be replaced, especially if they’re causing you neck and back pains in the morning.

Adding a heated mattress pad can also be an excellent way to add comfort, warmth, and therapeutic relief to your bed. Some of Navien Mate’s heated mattress pads are guaranteed to improve the quality of your sleep without costing you an arm and a leg. Make sure to check them out!

Resources:

https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/having-trouble-sleeping

https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-conditions/brain-and-nerves/dementia/risk-factors.html

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/how-to-fix-sleep-schedule#get-daily-exercise

https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/how-does-alcohol-affect-your-sleep

https://www.henryford.com/blog/2018/03/connection-between-sleep-nicotine#:~:text=While%20you're%20smoking%3A%20Nicotine,feel%20alert%20the%20next%20day.

source https://www.navienmate.com/blogs/navien-mate-heated-mattress-pad-news/can-lack-of-sleep-increase-risk-of-dementia

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lehhoh7822 · 3 years

Text

Eli’s crack fic that they can’t post on their discord because it’s too NSFW for there apparently.

According to them, it’s the product of sleep-deprivation and really wanting to answer what happens to Thomas when the sides have sex. (Theoretically.) but, Eli refrained from making it anything dirty because.. reasons? So, CW for (technically) low level sexual shit. And swearing. I mean... so here you go.

He had that type of headache again. And his body started to droop with exhaustion while simultaneously growing more fidgety. And his hands started burning. So it was Roman. And someone else. The people in the coffee shop didn’t see his discomfort. And then of course, they didn’t notice when he stared off into space, entering the common room where Janus sat, earplugs in his ears, trying to hold down Remus who was adding an orchestra like symphony of (very unnecessary) moans, and looked just about ready to join in with whoever was screwing. But he did feel a bit off, everything came off a bit forced.

Thomas wished he had brought earplugs for himself, but it wouldn’t do anything unless reality broke, because he couldn’t turn down the noise in his own head.

He started to pace inside his own head, vaguely aware that he was starting to look just a tad alarming to the people at the coffee shop.

“Why are they doing this?” He asked Janus, slightly groggily, despite having been awake for hours.

“Roman totally didn’t absorb some of his twins fantasies in an effort to make him feel better about his function in your personality, considering the ridiculously easy time you’ve had with accepting Remus.” Janus said, his hat tilted slightly by Remus’ movement.

Thomas didn’t even need to take a moment to decode Janus, he immediately understood. He wondered if that was a bad thing or not.

“Anyway..” Janus winced a bit as he said the next sentence, and he said it pretty slowly. The.. actions… going on in whoever’s room they were in had obviously taken a toll on his patience. “That really fucked Roman up. So, he ended up doing some… unsavoury things from the trait clash, which somehow led to make-up sex.”

“Well, at least he’s not only finding out that we screw right now.” Remus said to Janus, gesturing at him lazily, but he didn’t sound excited about it. He sounded tired, and sad, underneath the moans.

Probably had something to do with whatever Roman did to Remus, or the trait clash thing that he really needed some information on.

Roman and Remus, the only technical family within the sides, were slowly rebuilding their brotherhood and they were pure, beautiful (and very gay) chaos on a good day. They were a massive headache and literally every other side yelling or worrying about what they were doing now on bad days.

“Why the hell isn’t there sound-proofing around here? I mean, you guys can literally do anything you want with this place in terms of stuff like that.”

“Roman is working on it.” Remus said, his voice very flat, and he looked very tired.

“And it’s hard to do, considering the fact that all of the sides are connected in different ways,nso therefore, sides can end up hearing other sides thoughts, sharing thoughts or being dragged through the mind palace due to said connections, so, it’s hard to establish without accidentally putting you in a coma.” Janus said, his voice strained and he rolled his eyes.

“I’m definitely not going to start talking backwards now because I’m definitely not really drained from listening to my friends and take care of Remus. And I’m definitely not sorry.” Janus said, his words flowing easier now, and, again, it immediately translated in Thomas’ head. Probably not a good thing.

“Do you think that all of them..?” He asked, wishing that his mind wouldn’t wander there, but it did.

“No, probably two or three and the leftovers are trapped in their rooms. I would check, but I think I might pass out soon. So.” Remus said, ever so casually.

Thomas managed to try to keep his head clear, they weren’t supposed to do this during the day. It was one of the goddamn unspoken rules. Don’t fuck during the day, or at least while I’m in public.

He could hear some of the thoughts running through some of the side's minds. He rubbed his temples, despite the headache not being from there and asked “Why are the aspects of my personality so damn kinky? Why?”

Janus managed to give him a look that screamed sympathy and apathy simultaneously. Thomas choked out a faint laugh as he looked around, Remus sleeping, looking so damn peaceful. Janus watching him, his earplugs clutched in his hand. The moans from wherever the hell the Sides rooms were. It was hilarious.

He heard some final moans, some cries, some names being screeched, he may have lost a bit of his soul to the devil, and finally just panting.

Janus was watching Remus carefully, the slight green aura fading slowly into himself. There was a long silence.

Some certain sides stumbled out from the bedroom, flushed and smiling, until, of course, they saw Thomas standing in the middle of the commons.

Virgil busted out of wherever he had been trapped before, looking fried, utterly disgusted and absolutely terrified.

Thomas’ anxiety hit him like a brick, figuratively. He realised that he had been sitting there for a while. And people could be watching him. People were judging him. Or were laughing at him-

“Virgil!”

Janus snapped.

He looked up from wherever on the floor he had been staring at and shifted apologetically.

“Sorry.” he mumbled, scratching his neck.

“Some Sides around here accidentally used their bond and ended up trapping me in the closet next to where they were having sex. And I couldn’t leave because of the goddamn bonds.” Virgil said, clearly not impressed, shooting a few glares.

“Ok. Just, as a rule, no fucking while I’m out in public or just during the day.” Thomas said, his head still throbbing, his body still tense and hot.

The Sides looked very uncomfortable.

“Also, Roman, never, ever do this again. Please. You being an ass all week because of this was really annoying, but this is a bit of a disaster.”

Roman had the audacity to look sheepish.

“Also, please get sound-proofing around here. I am completely sure that Janus and Remus, well more Janus, really don’t want to hear your kinky sexual fantasies.”

Thomas slipped back into reality as sort of a bleed in process, with colours like technicolour fading into duller colours and shapes surrounding him.

Virgil was really not happy about this, and it wasn’t helping that most of his Sides still weren’t exactly ready for business.

“Sir? Sir…?” A girl called. Frick, maybe this is one of the dream worlds that Roman and Remus use for managing sexual desires. He had only heard about them briefly, but if it was-

He opened his eyes. A very alarmed waitress was standing next to him, and everyone, literally everyone (or maybe that was just Virgil) was watching him.

“Are you okay there?” She said, looking somewhere between relieved that he wasn’t about to have a seizure and die, but also still alarmed, due to the fact that he had just sat there, staring, not even reacting when a milkshake was dropped on his chest.

Thomas wanted to know why his chest felt so cold and sticky.

Also, in his head, all the sides were shouting different responses to the question.

“Ooh, look at the dogs over there!” Patton squealed, but still tiredly.

“Logically, you are physically sound, other than the fact that you have missed a few hours of sleep and did not eat your lunch.” Logan said, managing to somehow sound esteemed.

“I’m sorry for not being very… helpful this week.” Roman said, completely ignoring that that was not a valid answer to the question.

“You’re totally not going to have a Remus-free night and then have to deal with a few nights where your intrusive thoughts will be very very easy to deal with.” Janus said, picking at his nails with one hand, holding his head with another, holding earplugs in another and.. Thomas honestly had no intention of figuring out what all of his six arms were doing.

Remus snored.

“Everyone’s watching you, tell the lady you’re fine, get out of here, you’ve already embarrassed yourself, someone could be filming this, get out , get out, get out-”

Virgil was cut off by Janus silencing him.

“Sir?” The poor waitress hated her job.

Trying to get all his thoughts in order, Thomas accidentally blurted.

“Remus is going to attack me later and I should get out and I’m physically sound, and.. Do you like dogs?”

Thomas facepalmed.

The waitress blinked.

“Uh… okay?” she said.

Thomas grabbed his stuff, eternally grateful that he didn’t have to go back inside to pay (he did it earlier) and said; “Yeah… I’m all good here. Bye!”

The enthusiasm in his voice was dripping with anxiety.

He walked down the street, away from the cafe, still trying to stuff papers in his bag.

“This, this is why I don’t let you fuck during the day.” he hissed at a few guilty looking sides.

#sanders side fic #sanders sides #c!thomas

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drundertalescum · 6 years

Note

Hey for the mini fic thing, how about Underswap pap been unable to sleep for some reason so he sits on his bed, smoking because why not and thinks about something, like a really bad joke thing that his tired mind thinks is hella hilarious so he bursts out laughing and almost drop his cigarette onto his bed, maybe?

This went somewhere else entirely. Blame it on me being tired and my sleepy mind thinking it was funny. It’s probably not. I am very sorry.

Warnings for some vague potential emetophobia triggers and rated D for Drugs. Also extraordinarily bad decision making.

(Also this ended up WAY longer than I wanted it to be because i had sleep-deprived ideas and I couldn’t resist my USPapyrus-is-the-biggest-dork-of-all headcanons.)

——-

It was 3am again, and Papyrus could not sleep a wink.

That wasn’t unusual. He’d always had trouble sleeping, and once upon a time, he’d accepted that completely. Night had always been working time, where he’d take himself to the shed and build prototypes and personal projects and things to impress his bosses… but those days were long gone.

Plus, Sans had really been after him lately about sleeping more, eating better, making healthy choices, etc etc etc. So, Papyrus figured he should at least try to sleep for once.

Healthy choices. Healthy, healthy choices. For his health. Which was important.

…

Papyrus was gonna do drugs.

Yeah. Yeah, he was going to take a drugs now. Or… uh… okay, he didn’t know the “lingo” for doing illicit substances, but he was going to do it.

See, there was this guy in town, Doggo, who ran the Inn. Super nice guy, never once laughed at him, and sometimes they smoked together. Papyrus was hesitant to use the “F word” and risk making it weird, but they had become pretty good acquaintances over the years they’d known each other. They would talk sometimes in Muffet’s, or Doggo would let him stay in the Inn for free sometimes when he was ducking responsibilities he couldn’t quite face right then and there.

Doggo and him would usually just share cigarettes together, but on occasion, the innkeeper would pull out something else to smoke: a dog treat. He’d offered him a try, said they were great for relaxing, unwinding, great for the “bad days” and Papyrus… well, he’d been very tempted. He did have a lot of bad days, though he didn’t like to admit it, but he’d declined at the time for fear of embarrassing himself. What if it was like the first time he smoked, coughing and choking and looking decidedly uncool?

No thanks.

But he’d been intrigued, and a few days ago, he nervously went into the Dogi’s shop to grab a few things, but really just the one thing (the others were distractions, a clever ruse!): Dog treats. He didn’t know which ones were the good kind, so he just bought the cheap ones, trying not to draw attention to himself and his illicit items (which were sold over the counter? In broad daylight?? The whole town had to be in on it… a drug conspiracy right under the Queen’s snout! And now he was a part of it! He felt dangerous! And cool! And a part of something! It was awesome.) He did a good job. C+ for effort, he thought. Maybe flinging himself out of the window to leave quickly and stealthily was not the best option, in the end. He’d thought it was open? It wasn’t. So he’d had to stumble back in and sheepishly offer to pay for a new one. They hadn’t been too mad about it, though. He guessed they were used to it.

He had intended to smoke one that very night, but he’d chickened out. And again the next night, and again, and again.

But now, well, they helped with bad days, right? Well, while the day had been fine, the night had been miserable, and he really could use something to unwind.

So tonight was the night. Papyrus was going to do drugs. Illegally.

Wow… he really had fallen, hadn’t he? No. No, no, nevermind, that didn’t, he wasn’t going to think about that. He was going to think about how cool he would look when Doggo offered him a treat and he accepted. He was going to think about how much sleep he was going to get once he finally unwound. Sleep champion. Sleep master. Master of the sleep. And the illicit substances.

Sans was hoping to be so disappointed if he ever found out… No! No no no! Not thinking about that! No! Stop! Bad thoughts! Begone!

Shoo!

Okay. Okay, this proved it. He needed it. He couldn’t turn his mind off no matter how much he wanted to sometimes, and this was probably what he needed.

Forcing himself to move quickly before he lost his nerve again, Papyrus pulled out his lighter and lit up the treat. This part came with practiced ease, though the lighting part took quite a bit longer than lighting up dry leaves and paper. This thing was kinda thick and slightly oily (and the thought of that made him feel sick, but he wouldn’t think about it. He just wouldn’t think about it.) which made his task a bit harder, but it didn’t last long enough to let the doubts back in.

Those waited until after he took his first drag, and it was exactly as awful as he’d imagined it might be– and then some.

Bleh!!

But… he forced himself not to think about it as he took a second, longer, slower drag, trying to savor the intense flavors. And… it… was…

…still awful, but maybe an acquired taste? And maybe he could acquire it. The texture wasn’t quite as bad on second try, and he was feeling… maybe a little more relaxed? Just a bit. But these things took a bit to kick in (probably. At least they did on TV.) and if it helped, then…

Yeah, actually, yeah. He felt calmer. Lighter, now. Suddenly the stress about this all wasn’t so bad, and he wasn’t as nervous, and that was a very great result to have.

Papyrus leaned back on his bed, thinking pleasantly about very little besides just how nice this was, to not have to worry about every little thing, if only for a little while. How long did these last, anyway? He didn’t know, and maybe that should have scared him, but it didn’t. He could accept waiting a little while, being a little more mellow for a bit, instead of just pretending to be all the time.

Yeah, that was a really nice thought. Wowie, all his thoughts he’d had since he started smoking this had been really nice! He got the appeal now, even more than he already had.

It still tasted awful of course. His expression with every drag was likely rather uncool, so trying this alone had been a smart move (at least a smart move for his cool, casual reputation. He wasn’t far gone enough to not realize that this decision was in most other ways not a smart move.), but he was becoming more used to it, and his winces were getting easier and easier to hide.

Maybe the next time he did this, he would look really cool, really practiced and great, and everyone would think he was a seasoned veteran of drugs. King of the drugs. Or was that technically treasonous to say? At the very least, it wasn’t very nice, the real king being missing and all. Duke of the drugs? He didn’t think there was a duke anywhere that he would be insulting by taking on that title, so that was probably a better fit.

Duke Papyrus, Duke of the Drugs. Drug Duke.

Drug Duke Papyrus!

He giggled to himself. He didn’t know why it was so funny, but it was. It was so, so funny.

The giggles escalated into chuckles, then full-on laughter, and it only got worse, until he clamped his hands over his jaws to stop the sound from getting loud enough to wake up Sans, and for some reason that made it even funnier still, because how the heck was he going to explain this one? That he was cracking up laughing at a dumb name he just came up with because the letters both started with D. Was that even why he was laughing?

Nyeh heh heh!!! He didn’t know but it was funny! It was funny that it was so funny and it was funny that being so funny was just so funny to him because it normally wouldn’t be funny if it wasn’t for all the hardcore drugs, and “drugs” just made him think it the words once again, and thus the cycle repeated until he was crying, fully aware in the back of his mind that this was dumb, this was ridiculous, this was just stupid and incredibly uncool no matter how many drugs were involved, but the rest of his mind (the drugged part? Probably) refused to let reason in on this moment, because it was a good, nice moment, free of self-consciousness and anxiety and restlessness and self-conscious anxiety about restlessness.

So he ignored that voice for a while and laughed. He nearly lost the treat through the giggles, catching it only at the last second and falling off the bed in the process with a clatter of bone on wood.

And normally, that would be the part where he thought about how stupid he must look, how ridiculous and uncool. But instead, he thought about how stupid he must look, how ridiculous and uncool, and he laughed. Because it was funny. He was being silly, and it was actually funny.

A knock came at the door, jerking him out of his laughter but not quite out of hit nice mood.

“…Papyrus? You okay in there…??”

“YES I AM PAPYRUS I AM FINE!!!”

“… Did you fall off the bed?”

“YES BUT IT– I’m fine! I just… um. Well I guess I just fell. Huh.”

“Did you… did you have a nightmare again?”

“Nah, just… I swear, I’m fine, brother. Bro. I’m totally fine.”

“… alright, well, just make sure you get some sleep, okay? Healthy choices, like we talked about?”

Papyrus glanced down at the treat in his hand, feeling the joy roll over in his soul into something more akin to guilt, mixed with nausea, elevated mood crashing down into something murky and awful.

“YEAH bro. I was JUST laying BACK down. GOOD NIGHT, SANS!”

He thought he heard a sigh from the other side of the door. Was he really that obvious? “…Night, Papyrus”

He heard the slippered footsteps padding down the hall and let out a sign of his own. What the hell was he doing? Sitting around in his room, doing this stuff? This was dumb. And now he felt sick. And he didn’t really feel quite so goofy and giddy and light anymore. Just tired and guilty and sick.

Really sick, actually.

He shoved down a feeling that threatened to come up. Oh no. What if he was going to die?

Oh no. He was going to die.

He quickly weighed the options in his head, and again, and again, before finally deciding to swallow his pride. He pulled out his cell phone. It was, marginally, better to be alive and uncool than dead and (perhaps) somewhat cool.

Marginally.

He called up Doggo. If anyone would know what to do, he would.

It felt like it rung forever, but finally the answer came, and he immediately attempted to explain the entire thing, from misguided start to his imminent death, blathering on incoherently and with no real direction, but talking faster than he ever had outside of the laboratory.

He cursed the drugs for making him sound so inarticulate. Normally, he was articulate as heck when he needed to be. Sort of. He was better than this, at least!

(…God, he was better than this. He was so much better than this.)

“Whoa, whoa, pup, slow down. Take it easy. Breathe with me. C’mon. Deep breaths, okay?” Doggo demonstrated and Papyrus nodded, only to feel a flush of what was either embarrassment or illness when he realized Doggo couldn’t see him through the phone. That wasn’t a normal thing. At least he couldn’t see his blushing. “Good, good. Alright. Now, you said you took something?”

“D-DOG TREAT,” he replied, not even trying to suppress his natural tone, only quieting his volume enough to ensure that Sans wouldn’t hear, even if he hadn’t gotten back to sleep. The walls weren’t very thick.

“ Okay, okay good, I see why you called me, then. You made a good decision, okay? I can help you through this,” Doggo’s mostly-soothing voice broke into an inaudible mumble for a moment, and Papyrus could just barely read out the words “bad trip” from out all. Oh no. He was having a bad trip. That couldn’t be good. He didn’t know what that meant but it couldn’t be good at all. “Where’d you get it?”

“D-DOGI.”

“…you what?”

The guilt was too much. “I KNOW, I KNOW. I PURCHASED ILLICIT SUBSTANCES IN BROAD, OPEN DAYLIGHT FROM THE LOCAL GENERAL STORE. I’VE GONE ROGUE; I’M SORRY! IF I SURVIVE I WILL NEVER TAKE A DRUG AGAIN.”

“… The Dogi don’t deal, Papyrus.”

“WHAT? OF COURSE THEY DEAL? THEY DEALED! RIGHT THERE IN THE OPEN! IN FRONT OF THE COUNTER! AT EYE LEVEL WITH CHILDREN! DRUGS! THEY DEALED ME RIGHT THERE, AND THE DEAL WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME, DOGGO. THE DEAL WAS TOO MUCH! I AM DYING. I AM HIGH AND I AM DYING.”

“What was the name on the label?”

He paused to think. Why did that matter? “…CHEWY-CHEWY GOODBOYS.”

Doggo rolled his eyes at the name, a look of disgust on his face. Oh no. He didn’t pick the cool drugs. Doggo thought he wasn’t cool.

“Those ain’t drugged. They aren’t even good.” He mumbled, “they take the name of the Good Boy in vain,” too, but Papyrus didn’t hear it, caught up on processing the first part of that.

“… What exactly do you mean, they aren’t drugged? They're… they’re dog treats?”

“Papyrus… my ‘treats’ aren’t actually… they aren't… they’re special. I buy them out of town from some crazy guy in Waterfall.” Papyrus wondered for a split second before he cut off the train of thought. He wasn’t going to even consider that possibility. There were probably plenty of crazy guys who lived in Waterfall. Besides he was dying, so that was something he needed to focus on right now. “It’s good stuff, but they aren’t actual dog treats. They just look like it so I can keep em hidden. I don’t actually smoke dog treats; they’re dog treats.”

“Then why do… WHAT… uh… WHY ARE THE dog treats SO popular, thEn? If THEY AREN'T…?”

“Because we’re dogs, Papyrus. We like treats.”

Papyrus blinked. “Uncool” did not come close to how he was feeling right now. It was all so obvious. “…S-SO… THE REAL DRUGS WERE INSIDE OF ME ALL ALONG?”

Doggo laughed, then, strong and loud, but Papyrus got the impression, at least, that he was laughing at his words and not directly at him. “I guess you could say that! Something like that!”

“I AM AN IDIOT.”

“Nah, trust me, I been there. You just made some mistakes. Listen, you good to walk down here to the Inn?”

“Uh… WHY?”

“You said you were sick, right? And they may not have had drugs in them but you still smoked everything else that was in that crap. You might have imagined the high but you probably didn’t imagine the sickness, and you probably don’t wanna explain this one too that brother of yours, do ya?”

“N-NO. No, I really don’t. I’LL UH… I’ll pack an overnight bag and head over. I’ll be there in a little under 12 minutes.”

“Alright, I’ll keep the back unlocked for you.”

Papyrus smiled weakly, feeling the roiling in his core again. “Thanks, Doggo. You’re a really good dog!”

“Heh, hey no problem, Papyrus. That’s what friends are for, right? See ya in 12.”

“S-SEEYA!!!”

The call ended.

Papyrus smiled again, a little stronger, this time. The F word hadn’t made it weird at all! It had already been too weird to make weirder! A success story!

He didn’t really have much time to enjoy that, though, because he was definitely very much about to be sick.

…maybe he would look into this “healthy choices” thing a little closer after the mess that was tonight.

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evexe-n · 7 years

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[Fic] Ataraxia

Please accept my humble offering of fic to mark my entrance into prideshipping hell.

Pairing: Kaiba Seto/Yami Yugi, Atem/Kaiba Seto Words: 2397 Additional Tags: Light Angst, Happy Ending, Character Study (of sorts), Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort Summary:

Ataraxia [at-uh-rak-see-uh] (noun) A state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquillity.

---

"Listen, I know you're upset I had to cancel our date last week and-" Seto bristled and cut in, "Not everything that's on my mind always has to be about you, believe it or not."

Atem sneered "No, but this time it is, isn't it?"

--- This started as an exercise in writing dialogue around the prompt "Whatever you're going to ask, the answer is no" & it turned longer than expected. Established relationship. A character study of sorts.

On AO3

Notes:

The title is ironic, get it? Because it takes a long time to get to the point of ataraxia with these two haha ;-;

Anyway this starts from a premise that 1. Atem has his own body and 2. Seto and him have been dating/living together for a while now. It can be any AU you want as long as it has that. They're still figuring things out but they're trying their best, really. This is just a scene in their lives.

It's also not beta-read, so sorry for any errors!

----------

Utterly exhausted, Seto unlocked the front door. He was glad to be home at last. His week so far had been anything but great, but today took the cake. While he normally wouldn't mind staying longer at the office, the sheer stupidity of today's issue only helped raise his frustration to extreme levels. He just wanted to fall onto the nearest flat surface, preferably his bed, and sleep for the next eight hours.

Realistically speaking, he knew he was more likely to get five at most, but that didn't deter him from wishful thinking.

As soon as the door closed behind him with a click however, he took notice of the person waiting for him in the hallway. With a determined look on his face, Atem made a move as if to speak before Seto cut him off harshly.

"Whatever you're going to ask, the answer is no."

Atem raised an eyebrow, caught awkwardly in the middle of moving towards the other. He recovered his composure quickly.

"But I haven't even said anything yet!" he exclaimed rather forcefully.

Seto just huffed and hung his jacket on the nearby coat rack before taking his shoes off. "It's 11 p.m. on a Friday night. I'm late from work, yet you're still awake. Either it has something to do with my job or with your friends, neither of which I am in the mood to talk about right now."

His only reply was a slight tilt of the head and a noncommittal hum. "Hectic workday?" Atem asked after another beat of silence.

In all honesty, Seto was serious when he said he didn't want to talk right now, but he was well aware that straight up ignoring Atem's inquiries or being too curt would only make matters worse.

"Some incompetent fool messed up a line in the programming while updating the system." He started, moving towards the kitchen. He might as well get something to drink, who knew how long this conversation was going to take. Atem did have an annoying habit of dragging conversation out of Seto when it was least wanted.

"A virus managed to sneak past, which corrupted several important files before someone noticed. Usually I wouldn't bother helping with these things myself but we've been understaffed lately."

He fell silent at this, opening a cabinet and grabbing the nearest cup. He stood there another moment. Atem had followed him and now stood at the opposite side of their kitchen, most likely observing his every move. He considered if it was worth the effort of moving past Atem again to get something from the fridge. Not willing to risk facing the other yet right now, he turned the tap on. Water would have to do.

"Hmm, you? Short on staff?" said Atem from his spot near the stove. Even without turning to look, Seto could tell that Atem's complete focus was on him. It was something that exhilarated him in any other circumstance, but in times like this he wished the other was less perceptive.

"It can't be helped, two of our best senior IT employees both had to take sick leave at the same time." He took a sip of water, throat feeling parched yet somehow unable to swallow properly. He wondered though, how long were they going to keep this up this time?

This use of idle small talk to avoid the real issue at hand.

The lingering quiet was pierced by Atem's soft voice. "Even if you are short on staff, you shouldn't neglect yourself like this."

Seto's fingers tightened around his cup. "Like what?" He spit out. He was sure that Atem would be able to see the sheer frustration in every line of his body, in the way his shoulders tensed and foot slightly twitched. When had they become able to see these little tics, these weaknesses in eachother? How Seto hated being read like this, unable to hide behind his familiar walls. There wasn't much use in those walls at all when the other knew exactly where to find the cracks and didn't hesitate to strike where it hurt.

Atem's tone sounded several degrees colder when he spoke up again. "Staying up late, skipping meals, oh, avoiding me, the usual." He was getting closer to his breaking point as well, Seto could tell. He still hadn't turned to meet his lover's eyes but he could imagine the look on his face, eyes narrowed, the corners of his mouth downturned to match his frown. The same old expression of disappointment Seto had to face so many times in the past.

Refusing to even acknowledge the last part of the other's accusation, Seto replied, "Like you say, I'm used to it, it's no big deal." He put down his still mostly-filled cup and met Atem's eyes at last, face perfectly blank. "I'll feel better once I get some sleep, as you should as well."

Atem snorted and moved around the kitchen table. "See, I almost believe that. That you're just moody because of the sleep deprivation, as usual. But you've been avoiding me for about a week now."

He continued to move closer, gaze fixed on Seto. Like a predator prowling ever closer to its prey.

"How I wonder what happened last week that caused you to just rush head first into work." Sarcasm dripped from his tone. He was really dead set on wringing this thing between them out of Seto, wasn't he?

Those sharp, crimson eyes roamed his face, looking for any give. Seto tried as best as he could to keep it schooled in its current emotionless state. Atem was uncomfortably close now, and even the height difference didn't diminish how threatening his presence could be. Seto looked off to the side for a split second, towards the exit. Was it worth ignoring Atem, shoving him aside and just making a break for his room?

As if sensing Seto's train of thought, Atem backed off some. He sighed.

"Listen, I know you're upset I had to cancel our date last week and-" Seto bristled and cut in, "Not everything that's on my mind always has to be about you, believe it or not."

Atem sneered "No, but this time it is, isn't it?"

Seto's mouth clacked shut. As always, Atem had hit the nail right on the head, but Seto never accepted defeat gracefully.

Atem pulled his fingers through his spiky hair, making some stray locks stick out even wilder. He closed his eyes. "You know I wouldn't have cancelled if it wasn't absolutely necessary at the time, right?"

"I'm aware." Seto managed to grumble out between his clenched teeth. It wasn't Atem's fault, Seto was willing to admit, but that didn't make it sting any less when he got a text from Yugi of all people, telling him that Atem wouldn't be on time for their date. The text message was riddled with spelling mistakes, as it turned out, because Yugi had broken an arm and could only use his non-dominant hand. Atem refused to let him take a cab to the hospital, insisting he drive him instead. As ever, worried about his partner.

"You can't fault me for helping my friends, Seto. Usually it wouldn't have been an issue but a lot happened recently."

Yes, Seto knew. Everyone off to study or work or do whatever, constantly busy. So busy that nobody else was available to drive their friend to the hospital. And stay there for the better part of the night. On the one day Seto had made sure he'd have time off for their date.

"I repeat, I'm aware. You've mentioned it before."

He leaned back against the sink, crossing his arms. He wasn't sure anymore if the action was to distance himself from the other, or because he wanted to appear more casual. More unaffected, perhaps.

Atem's eyes softened the slightest bit, voice gentler as he asked, "It's not really about last week's incident either, is it?"

God, how Seto hated him. Hated how he looked at him as if he was fragile sometimes, as if he was something to be handled with care. It was plain wrong, he didn't need pity, not from anyone, least of all his rival. He did not want pity from someone who was never meant to see his weaknesses, his insecurities, his failures. He did not want that, he just.... wanted acknowledgement, of a sort. To be recognized as an equal. Even in the presumed safety of his mind, he refused to use the word 'validation' in any way. He was simply not sure anymore what it was he wanted from his rival. His lover.

Last week's incident may not have been the cause for any of these... intrusive thoughts, he knew, but it was easier to pretend. Better to be bothered by a solitary event than consider it a symptom of a larger, underlying issue.

He was about to bite out another denial when Atem shifted again. Without a word, he moved to lean next to Seto against the sink. He kept enough distance to prevent their shoulders from touching, but he could feel Atem's comforting warmth right next to him.

Somehow, it was easier to let go like this, when he didn't have to look at the other. He cleared his throat.

"No, it's not", he admitted truthfully.

Atem leaned over, pressing their arms together shoulder to elbow.

They stayed like this for a while, each lost in their own thoughts.

"Why did you agree to live here?" Seto asked.

Atem seemed taken aback by the non sequitur. But Seto had to ask. He had been wondering for a while why Atem agreed to live here, of all places. When he'd asked if Atem wanted to move in, it had seemed a logical progression. Long before that point, Atem's personal belongings had been taking over small spaces throughout the house, slowly but surely. But even if Atem truly wanted this relationship, there was no reason for him to live at the mansion. They could've continued dating without the complication of officialy living together.

It might have been easier, even.

"What do you mean?" came the cautious response.

"Here, at the mansion" Seto continued. "I spend most of my time at work, not here. And it's not close to where any of your friends live either."

He could feel the Egyptian's cheek pressing into his shoulder now. It felt like he was smiling. "It's your home though. You don't live in your office, you live here."

Their knuckles brushed lightly against eachother. Seto looked down at their hands, entranced. "I still can't see why you'd like coming back to an empty place like this," he mumbled, "You seemed happy when you lived with Yugi, closer to everyone else."

"Everyone except you, you mean?" Atem closed the distance between their hands at last, entwining their fingers. His thumb started smoothing out soft circles on Seto's skin.

Seto swallowed and grunted in affirmation.

"I'm not dating any of them though, I'm dating you." He tilted his head to the side a bit, as if in thought. "And I was not, nor am I now, planning on playing the third wheel at Yugi's place for the rest of my life."

Careful to keep their fingers entangled loosely, Atem moved to stand in front of Seto again. He put his other hand against the sink for support as he leaned forward.

"Listen, you have every right to be upset about me 'ditching' our date, but at least give me a chance to make up for it instead of brooding around in your office." His face was so close that he couldn't be ignored. Seto found it impossible to look away from him, in fact.

"Please", Atem added.

Seto shut his eyes, letting out a sigh. Honestly, cancelling their date wasn't the issue, but rather the way it had happened. "I don't need you to 'make up' for anything. As you said, you had a good reason." It's not as if Seto actually expected him to leave Yugi to fend for himself while he was hurt. He knew Atem better than that by now. And loathe as Seto was to admit it sometimes, he might have come to somewhat care about Yugi as well.

Atem chuckled. "Yeah, but having a good reason doesn't seem to be doing wonders to your mood, now does it?" He disconnected their hands and reached up, lacing his fingers together at the back of Seto's neck. "Feelings don't always overlap with logic, what a surprise. Doesn't mean they're not valid."

Seto gripped Atem's hips, unsure of how to respond. He needed to get this conversation back to more familiar territory. There was only so much he could handle in one day and his previous exhaustion was starting to make itself known again. His shoulders slumped, strung up energy leaving his body all at once. He leaned down gently, letting his forehead touch Atem's.

"Just ask whatever you wanted to ask when I came in already."

Atem's laugh rang through the kitchen, clear as a bell. "Well, I was going to suggest we order food and watch the recordings of yesterday's USA Duel Monsters Championship matches to analyze some of the newcomers' strategies, but if you'd rather go to sleep...."

Seto pushed Atem lightly backwards, making him stand up and breaking their embrace. "Wait, let me get this straight, you waited up to corner me after I got back from work just so you could try to cheer me up by what? Watching some third rate duelists screw up while eating cheap take-out?"

"You love breaking down the newbies' mistakes in excruciating detail, don't lie." Atem smirked.

Well... He couldn't deny that.

"Nonetheless, if this is your idea of a date, it isn't a very romantic one."

Atem brushed their lips together in a quick kiss before heading towards the living room. "Sure it is. Nothing says romance like competitive card games. It's the very foundation of our relationship."

Seto rolled his eyes, trying not to smile. "Ugh, fine. You go put on the TV, I'll order Chinese."

He got a nudge in the side for his suggestion. "Hey! What if I wanted pizza!?"

"Too bad!" Seto yelled after the other as he turned the corner.

Atem's laughter echoed down the hallway.

He was glad to be home.

----------

So yeah, this started as way for me to practice dialogue and possibly warm up for a longer prideshipping fic I may or may not already have planned out.... I wanted to familiarize myelf with writing these characters first, so any feedback you have is welcome!

I will probably look at this after I wake up and find all the mistakes I made in it....

If you want to ask more questions or in detail stuff about why I write them the way I do, hmu!

#Eve writes things #prideshipping #fic: ataraxia #I will probably hate this in the morning but that's ok #that's how it usually goes #ygo

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keyaanthom91 · 4 years

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Can A Neutered Male Cat Spray Miraculous Useful Tips

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Spaying or neutering your female cat, it will live.- Cats can provide hours of lost sleep trying to dig its claws into your cat's living environment.Problem was that cat may not even consider this a few days of this, you cannot deprive it of its wild or bad socializing when they jump up onto those areas easily.These cats are too scared of using any kind of strange.Does you cat will not be ignored when they do not work and you will eventually dissipated and never goes outside.

So don't make your life will be out of the house ones.Why is a very territorial and sexual messages to the same name-brand products that we need to do with a rag or paper towels.You can also be a time of need, even if they would still want the post and praise it for around the area with hydrogen peroxideClumping litter is it very difficult to see why.Allergies should be brushed daily to insure that it is not out of their presence.

Natures Miracle Cat Advance Stain Odour Spray 709ml

Cats are easily avoided through cat spaying preventing cancer of the product you choose, there seems to love the rustle-y noises it makes, because they require is a behaviour that goes in the house for the short term, and if you keep their nails for you.You can also get hives that appear roughly half an hour after exposure to an unknown environment, they get a treat.While some pet owners released simply because cats are a huge advocate of keeping these animals and usually starts when cat reaches sexual maturity - at least one person.That being said, owners who have tend to be removed from the body, their healthy function is critical to a simple spray doesn't have to make sure that temptations that entice your cat upchucks on it, this method is to remove cat urine components.His attention will soon learn that the furniture with heavy gauge plastic helps and there were lots of traffic, to keep him from the plastic wedge, right at the stores.

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How To Get Cat Spray Out Of Leather Couch

Even if you love your cat, what do you do not like something you don't want to stretch their muscles as the face.With one slap you can give your cat then you might even become more aggressive cat behavior so we started working with the litter box.Clashes in personality can also be employed.But, anyone who might need to treat your cat has something to do it is a perfect pet cat.Put it close to the system cleaning itself and hopefully not do so much more pleasant for some other cat may be slow and deliberate, too fast and shallow.

This can assist in totally breaking down the crystals and salts dampen again, with rain or humidity, for example, a cat urine odor to the one that has a consistently good relationship with your cat goes out on that it wanted to live with more than once per year.As time passes they should also change the behaviour, you need to be taken as consideration.Highly independent and has antioxidant properties.It comes in contact with all your most promising scenario would be biting, scratching or attacking you and your furniture and other serious health problems early can save even more urine around the tail.Use a blotting action, do not like the toilet bowl.

#Can A Neutered Male Cat Spray Miraculous Useful Tips #Cat Peeing Sink

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theinfinityofonekamincik · 4 years

Text

Just watched a vid with graphic depiction of a breakdown, realized i conciously coerced myself into a breakdown multiple times some time ago, realized that i actually fucking knew what i was doing but it still didn’t quite work because i still have very little idea as to what the hell my breakdowns are all about and memories are still not connected with emotion and emotion is still not quite processable, realized that my dad is an ass because i was in a highly vulnerable state and he tried to convince me it was one that would doom me, comparing me to his mother whom he hates and essentially speaking as though he was willing to put a cross on me because i had ‘schitzophrenia’ realized i decided to fall into that schitzophrenia idea and was heavily biased towards it because I Simply need to Understand Myself and if he doesn’t know it yet after every single time i told him that i only crave knowledge he’s even stupider than i am, because i bet that his inner reflex would also be to learn if he put his defences down at least a little

But I get that’s scary. I really do. Whenever i would get high (yes i am still 15 yes i know it’s not good i don’t wanna care about that) i would have panic attacks, and first, i didn’t get why i still wanted most desparately to get high again- it was not pleasant, my brain did not feel pleased it felt horrible, overworked, overheated, overstimulated, it was a constant barge of slowly but surely going low-function

The very first time I got high, the only difference I got was that I felt a lot sadder and it felt Natural, for once. I could feel. I could only feel. No lables. No reasons. I just felt I needed to care for people, to be perfect for people, and i also felt that i couldn’t leave for i had no desire for anything. I dont quite remember it, though it is possibly my clearest, most linear record.

I was extremely high function. I etched it up to not having inhaled properly. I was... 14, I think. Yeah it was last winter i was defo 14

The next few times, I got videos put on for me. I didn’t choose them. I managed to get lost in them quite well, until they became normal. Until I got used to the emotion, that pulled me so far away from the actual video and the real world all i remember is my uncontrolable, hysterical laughter from watching that one vid that i might find and share later, and how i couldn’t stop smiling and how it hurt my face, how I would shake and how i would try my best to explain it with arousal because arousal was NORMAL, it was NATURAL, it was OKAY TO EXPERIENCE while whatever I couldn’t put a finger on.. was not.

I remember clearly when my dad put on some old rock for me. White dudes, black clothes, horrible video quality, easy to follow, neigh hypnotic rhythm. violent message. I danced to them, tryng my best to ignore both the clips and the lyrics. I... didn’t fail, per say, I just found upset in everything But the mood music. I remember dancing, and than feeling enough terror to fall to the floor- rather, sit down, my body is good at keeping itself in one piece- and need to hold myself up by the couch. I felt it because I’d been throwing careful glances at dad, because I Knew he put it on, and noticed him looking at me. I don’t feel comfortable talking about what I thought. It was that my father was... idk the words, but pedophelia was involved. The horror I experienced at both the fact I Thought That and the precieved danger is not something I want to repeat, but is probably something that had happened before, real or precieved because of how much information I had on sex since a very young age and how little anyone cared when I didn’t want that information. No, I am not saying sex ed is bad, I am saying that Consent is important, and that the entier vibe of sex as precieved by a child is Vile because of how secretive and horrible society is about it.

I am shutting off. It’s only partly the sleep deprivation. Shock therapy is really wearing me thin, concidering I am my main support and i only had two sessions with a real therapist. I am basically trying to coerce myself into feeling safe within the boundaries of my own mind, to know that i can exist and rely on myself, which is not easy because well, i am 15, and i can’t. I can build some resemblance of emotional well being, some resemblance of control, but they will be fake- i... kinda learn my ways around that control one though.

It’s hard to keep myself in check. To make sure I won’t try jumping to controling other people as well. To make sure I don’t fall into a dangerous set of belief. To make sure my back doesn’t hurt, which i can’t really do but am Meant to do. To make sure I look Good- which I am fighting, what i really need is to make sure I am healthy, not anyting about my looks, but society is hell. Also can’t be healthy without hospital, possible need pills- definetly need some pills for anxiety purpouses, being able to ignore it is great but i keep forgeting the reciet, though i at least don’t feel bad about it and had found a way to not go to a dark- or rather, blind- place whenever i walk outside.

Ironically, it’s by going to a blind place- headphones, the answer is headphones, it’s so much easier to block people out with headphones and to ignore precived danger, and i figured, if nothing bad happens, danger has no reason to pick up- have at least one reason for why that is wrong, that reason being chaos factor, but well

Recently, got my shoulder hit on a railing. It hurts. I just felt it for the first time in forever, because I strained it and failed to notice, which is not a good way to put it- I went to the blind place again, to a place i can Ignore, to the place i get to ignore Pain, and well

idk

i know i don’t feel good

i just wat to not exist, or well, die if you will

I don’t wanna commit suicide tho

My first thought when precived danger was a plane crash was something along the lines of death being inevitable

I find comfort in death, though not in an ‘edgy’ way whatever that means

I find comfort in the fact that it doesn’t matter, i find comfort in the fact that it is certain, i find comfort in the fact it’s happened to people before and well, humanity as a whole stands just like the universe will stand when the last human dies, just like it will all blow up into something

I have no idea what I’m saying, and it’s only partly from sleep deprivation. It’s still part of the process, tho. memory or no memory, it matters. everything matters. isn’t that lovely, how humans brain work? In tandem with the universe, out of synch with each other, in dissaray with itself. Those are not quite the words. The human brain tries to deal with general unpredictability and randomness of things by trying to put them into order, which might sound logical but It’s Not. It’s... Backwards. It’s weird. It feels so intuitive I can logic it only with something as intuitive, but that is noy logic. Logic makes sense in the long run, logic has predictive power, logic is order of a certin kind but logic has nothing to do with order, it explains the mess, drwas lines between random things tying them together, it feels like a connect the dots scenario and it can be written down, it can be documented

Intuition can not

Well it can, but we don’t have a level of languge to convey it yet, and when we will- if we will- intuition will stop being intuition and will become, in itself, logic. Just, by then, it will stop being ‘belief for the sake of belief’, or ‘belief in spite of everything’, or ‘belief’ with no other specification, it will be complex and more like ‘belief based on fact’, and can that really be called belief? I think it can. We do have to believe our senses an awful lot. This could all be a simulation for all that we care.

I am not okay

gotta sleep but that won’t happen yet, will it? ah well, i need some time to sizzle over, to chill my frontal lobe a bit, to let myself feel for once. hopefully it winds up working.

#later #long post #idk how to read more this #whatever

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healthandfitnessrecipes-blog · 6 years

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This Can Reset Your Brain Within Hours, Ignoring It Is a Serious Mistake

https://healthandfitnessrecipes.com/?p=1644

By Dr. Mercola

In the featured video, Joe Rogan interviews professor Matthew Walker, Ph.D., founder and director of the University of California Berkeley’s Center for Human Sleep Science and author of the book "Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams,"1 in which he shares the latest discoveries about sleep and how it impacts virtually every area of your physical and mental health.

I read Walker’s book last fall, and share his view that sleep is profoundly important — even more important than diet and exercise. After all, you’re not likely to reap maximum rewards from other healthy lifestyle habits if you’re constantly exhausted. Beyond that, lack of sleep has been shown to raise your risk for chronic illnesses such as dementia, cancer, diabetes, heart disease and obesity.

In fact, the World Health Organization has tagged shift work as a “probable human carcinogen” because it causes circadian disruption.2 Lack of sleep is also associated with shorter lifespans. Like Walker, I believe getting quality sleep, and enough of it, is the single most effective thing you can do to reset your brain and body and invigorate your health on a daily basis.

Sleep Deprivation Is a Form of Self Abuse

There are many reasons why you may sleep poorly, and one may simply be related to your mindset. Many, especially in the U.S., still view lack of sleep as a badge of honor — a sign of drive, ambition and achievement at the expense of sleep. Worse, good sleep is often characterized as a sign of sloth.

As noted by Walker in one of his lectures,3 “We want to seem busy, and one way we express that is by proclaiming how little sleep we’re getting. It’s time for us to reclaim our right to a full night of sleep, without embarrassment or the stigma of laziness. In doing so, we may remember what it feels like to truly be awake during the day.”

According to Walker, “Humans are the only species that deliberately deprive themselves of sleep for no apparent reason,” and based on his studies, he is convinced no one can make it on five hours or less of sleep without suffering some level of short-term impairment or long-term illness. There’s an exceptionally rare genetic mutation known as advanced phase sleep syndrome that allows some to thrive with minimal sleep, but you’re far more likely to be struck by lightning than have this rare genetic mutation.

Rogan and Walker also discuss more acute symptoms of sleep deprivation. This includes wild hallucinations, sometimes reported by ultra-marathoners and others who for various reasons have attempted to go without sleep for extended periods of time. As an example, Walker recounts the story of Peter Tripp, a disc jockey who, in 1959, tried to break the world record for sleeplessness. He stayed awake for eight days straight, doing a continuous broadcast from Times Square.

“By Day Three, he was having florid delusions and hallucinations,” Walker says. “He was seeing spiders in his shoes; he became desperately paranoid, thinking people were trying to poison him … “ He also became belligerent and abusive toward everyone around him. “He was clearly psychotic,” one of the attending psychiatrists said. His experiment is detailed in the short video below.

How and Why Sleep Deprivation Can Trigger Psychosis

In a very real sense, when you forgo sleep for extended periods of time, you begin to dream while awake — hence the delusions and hallucinations. Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is a 90-minute deep sleep cycle during which you dream. Tripp’s experiment revealed that even though he was awake — walking around and talking — his brainwaves showed he was asleep, and it was during the REM cycles that he was most likely to hallucinate. Essentially, he was experiencing his nightmares in an awake state.

Tripp finally went to bed after remaining awake for 201 consecutive hours, and slept for 24 hours. Upon waking, there were no signs of delusions and Tripp reported feeling quite normal. His wife, however, disagreed, saying he’d changed. The couple eventually got divorced.

The attending psychiatrists also agree that after his experiment, his personality had changed, and that the change appeared to be permanent. He was no longer as cheerful and easygoing as he’d been before. Arguments with his boss led to the loss of his job as well. Those who knew him best insist those eight days of sleep deprivation damaged his psyche long-term.

Parts of Your Brain Become More Active During Sleep

As explained by Walker, your brain doesn’t shut down during sleep. Quite the contrary. While some parts are subdued, other parts become far more active than during wakefulness. During REM sleep, the visual, motor/kinesthetic, emotional and memory centers all ramp up their activity. Meanwhile, activity in your prefrontal cortex — the “CEO of the brain” that rules rationality and logical thinking — decreases.

This is why dreams can be so visually and kinesthetically powerful, sucking you into a vortex of emotion while simultaneously being completely irrational and illogical. And, when you are sleep deprived, this “dreaming while awake” state can start to seep through, as it did in Tripp’s experiment. Indeed, studies have shown skimping on sleep is a surefire way to lose emotional control, become more emotionally volatile — and more irrational.

If you frequently feel emotionally off-kilter or struggle with a short fuse, chances are you might manage your emotions a whole lot better were you to get more sleep on a nightly basis. Walker also cites research showing there’s a dramatic difference in injury rates between those who sleep enough and those who don’t. Athletes who get just five hours of sleep have a 60 percent higher injury rate than those who get nine hours.

Five Common Enemies of Sleep

Walker defines sleep deprivation as sleeping less than seven hours a night,4 and statistics show half of all American adults fail to get the recommended eight hours of sleep each night. An estimated 1 in 3 is getting six hours of sleep or less per night. According to a Gallup Poll,5 Americans slept an average of 7.9 hours a night in 1942. Today, the average is six hours and 31 minutes, Walker says, adding, “That means there’s a huge swath of people well below that average.”

Walker also notes that “One of the big problems with lack of sleep is that you don’t know you’re sleep deprived when you’re sleep deprived! Your subjective sense of how well you’re doing with a lack of sleep is a miserable predictor for how you’re doing objectively.” So, with sleep deprivation being so rampant, what’s the cause? Walker pins the blame for our consistently declining slumber patterns on the following “enemies of sleep:”

Alcohol and caffeine: These and other substances, such as sleeping pills, interfere with sleep quality and sleep time

Artificial lighting: We have effectively electrified the night, and light at night damages your health by degrading your sleep

Loneliness, anxiety and depression: The longing for connection and the effects of mental illness can often interfere with or cause people to forego sleep

Long work hours: The international business environment, increased global competition and longer commuter times are just a few of the factors contributing to the increase in work hours and stress-related burnout

Overcommitment: Schedules are filled from morning to night, and many people are unwilling to trade entertainment or socializing with family and friends for sleep

When asked by The Guardian if he takes his own advice about sleep, Walker replied:6

“I give myself a nonnegotiable eight-hour sleep opportunity every night, and I keep very regular hours. If there is one thing I tell people, it’s to go to bed and to wake up at the same time every day, no matter what. I take my sleep incredibly seriously because I have seen the evidence.

Once you know that after just one night of only four or five hours of sleep, your natural killer cells — the ones that attack the cancer cells that appear in your body every day — drop by 70 percent, or that a lack of sleep is linked to cancer of the bowel, prostate and breast … how could you do anything else?”

Simple Sleep Hacks to Improve Your Sleep

As noted by Walker, there are a number of ways to “hack” your biology to improve your sleep. Following are some of his favorites. For many more, see “Sleep — Why You Need It and 50 Ways to improve It.”

• Keep a regular sleep schedule seven days a week. Go to bed and wake up at the same times each day, even on the weekends. This will help your body to get into a sleep rhythm and make it easier to fall asleep and get up in the morning. To this, I would add getting bright sunlight exposure in the morning and for at least a half-hour to an hour right around noon, to help reset your circadian clock.

• Avoid bright lights and minimize use of electronics in the evening. Both bright lights and electronic screens are major sleep thieves, robbing you of the ability to fall asleep quickly. Research has shown that the more time you spend on electronic devices during the day, and especially at night, the longer it takes to fall asleep and the less sleep you get overall.7,8

Walker suggests dimming the lights in your room and reading a book rather than watching TV or using electronics before bed. If you must use electronics in the evening, I recommend installing blue-blocking software such as Iris, or use blue blocking glasses.

• Make sure your bedroom is cool enough. Studies show the optimal room temperature for sleep is between 60 to 68 degrees F. Keeping your room cooler or hotter can lead to restless sleep. When you sleep, your body’s internal temperature drops to its lowest level, generally about four hours after you fall asleep. A cooler bedroom mimics this natural temperature drop. Sleeping naked can also help.

• Keep your feet warm. While your body needs to be cool, your extremities need to stay warm for optimal sleep. At least one study has shown that wearing socks to bed reduces night waking.

• Take a hot bath or sauna before bed. When your body temperature is raised in the late evening, it will fall at bedtime, facilitating sleep. The core body temperature drop that occurs when you exit the bath signals your body it’s time for bed.

Beware of Electric and Electromagnetic Fields

Based on the research I’ve done, I believe eliminating electric and electromagnetic fields (EMFs) in your bedroom is a really important factor that can improve both your quantity and quality of sleep. EMFs have the ability to disrupt your pineal gland’s production of melatonin and serotonin, and are a significant contributor to mitochondrial damage and dysfunction, which is at the heart of virtually all chronic disease.

EMF exposure has also been linked to neuronal changes that affect memory and your ability to learn.9 EMFs harm your body’s mitochondria by producing excessive oxidative damage, so “marinating” in EMFs all night, every night, can cause or contribute to virtually any chronic ailment, including premature aging. Ideally, shut down the electricity to your bedroom by pulling your circuit breaker before bed. Also be sure to shut down your Wi-Fi.

Keep in mind that even if you completely shut off the electricity in your bedroom, your room may still be electrified. This is what happened to me, and when I used sophisticated body voltage measurements I was able to detect this. This is a result of electrical fields (not electricity) transferred into your home by the electric utility and spreading in your home. This can be remediated using certain kinds of shielding paint that is then grounded to form a Faraday cage, which stops the fields from entering your bedroom.

Should You Use Melatonin?

Rogan asks Walker about the use of melatonin. Is it advisable to use melatonin if you’re having a hard time falling asleep? Walker recommends the use of melatonin to resynchronize your circadian clock when traveling between time zones. “You can use melatonin strategically for jet lag,” he says. “Once, however, you are stable within the new time zone, melatonin does not seem to be efficacious for healthier sleep … But if it works for you — no harm, no foul. Keep taking it.”

Ideally, it is best to increase your melatonin level naturally, which is achieved by exposing yourself to bright sunlight in the daytime (along with full spectrum fluorescent bulbs in the winter) and complete darkness at night. If that fails or isn’t possible, I’d suggest trying a 5-HTP, which I believe is a superior approach to using melatonin, especially if you’re older.

5-HTP is a hydroxylated form of tryptophan that easily passes your blood brain barrier. Your body converts 5-HTP first into serotonin (which may give your mood a boost), and then into melatonin. In one study, an amino acid preparation containing both GABA (a calming neurotransmitter) and 5-HTP reduced time to fall asleep, increased the duration of sleep and improved sleep quality.10

You can also take some magnesium malate or glycinate before bed to increase body relaxation. Cannabidiol (CBD) oil is yet another option. CBD oil not only helps reduce pain and muscle spasms, which may keep you awake, but also promotes general relaxation and has been shown to improve sleep.

To Optimize Your Health, Make Sure You Get Enough Sleep

Regardless of the reason for your sleeplessness, research linking chronic poor sleep and lack of sleep to disease and illness cannot be ignored.

Research (cited by Walker) has shown that a single night of sleeping just four hours lowered the amount of natural killer cells — powerful immune fighters that target malignant cells — by 70 percent. In other words, a single night of sleep deprivation throws you into what Walker calls “a remarkable state of immune deficiency” that raises the risk that cancer cells will multiply in your body.

Additionally, each spring, when we lose an hour of sleep due to the switchover to daylight saving time, there’s a 24 percent increase in heart attacks — and that’s from the loss of a single hour. In the fall, when we gain an hour of sleep, there’s a 21 percent decrease in heart attacks.

“That’s how fragile and vulnerable your body is to even just the smallest [change in] sleep,” Walker says. Sleeping just six hours a night for seven days straight has even been shown to distort gene activity. Genes related to immune function were switched off, while genes related to tumors, chronic inflammation and stress were overexpressed.

The scientific facts underscore my belief that there is no substitute for, nor any excuse for not getting, a full night’s rest. If you think you “don’t have the time” to sleep for seven or eight hours because you have too much work on your plate, think again.

As noted by Walker, “Why do we overvalue workers that undervalue sleep?” The fact is, sleeping less does not equate to greater productivity. In fact, the complete opposite is true. When you’re working on an inadequate amount of sleep, attention, logic, efficiency and productivity go down the drain and emotional reactivity goes up.

Given its importance, I encourage you to take a few moments today to evaluate your sleep habits. Are you getting enough sleep? If not, what’s one change you can make to improve the length and/or quality of your sleep? If you need help getting started, check out my 16 Chronological Tips to Improve Your Sleep, or read through “Sleep — Why You Need It and 50 Ways to improve It,” hyperlinked earlier.

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sherristockman · 6 years

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Why Sleeping Less Than Seven Hours a Night Is a Recipe for Ill Health and a Shortened Life Span Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola In the featured video, Joe Rogan interviews professor Matthew Walker, Ph.D., founder and director of the University of California Berkeley’s Center for Human Sleep Science and author of the book "Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreams,"1 in which he shares the latest discoveries about sleep and how it impacts virtually every area of your physical and mental health. I read Walker’s book last fall, and share his view that sleep is profoundly important — even more important than diet and exercise. After all, you’re not likely to reap maximum rewards from other healthy lifestyle habits if you’re constantly exhausted. Beyond that, lack of sleep has been shown to raise your risk for chronic illnesses such as dementia, cancer, diabetes, heart disease and obesity. In fact, the World Health Organization has tagged shift work as a “probable human carcinogen” because it causes circadian disruption.2 Lack of sleep is also associated with shorter lifespans. Like Walker, I believe getting quality sleep, and enough of it, is the single most effective thing you can do to reset your brain and body and invigorate your health on a daily basis. Sleep Deprivation Is a Form of Self Abuse There are many reasons why you may sleep poorly, and one may simply be related to your mindset. Many, especially in the U.S., still view lack of sleep as a badge of honor — a sign of drive, ambition and achievement at the expense of sleep. Worse, good sleep is often characterized as a sign of sloth. As noted by Walker in one of his lectures,3 “We want to seem busy, and one way we express that is by proclaiming how little sleep we’re getting. It’s time for us to reclaim our right to a full night of sleep, without embarrassment or the stigma of laziness. In doing so, we may remember what it feels like to truly be awake during the day.” According to Walker, “Humans are the only species that deliberately deprive themselves of sleep for no apparent reason,” and based on his studies, he is convinced no one can make it on five hours or less of sleep without suffering some level of short-term impairment or long-term illness. There’s an exceptionally rare genetic mutation known as advanced phase sleep syndrome that allows some to thrive with minimal sleep, but you’re far more likely to be struck by lightning than have this rare genetic mutation. Rogan and Walker also discuss more acute symptoms of sleep deprivation. This includes wild hallucinations, sometimes reported by ultra-marathoners and others who for various reasons have attempted to go without sleep for extended periods of time. As an example, Walker recounts the story of Peter Tripp, a disc jockey who, in 1959, tried to break the world record for sleeplessness. He stayed awake for eight days straight, doing a continuous broadcast from Times Square. “By Day Three, he was having florid delusions and hallucinations,” Walker says. “He was seeing spiders in his shoes; he became desperately paranoid, thinking people were trying to poison him … “ He also became belligerent and abusive toward everyone around him. “He was clearly psychotic,” one of the attending psychiatrists said. His experiment is detailed in the short video below. How and Why Sleep Deprivation Can Trigger Psychosis In a very real sense, when you forgo sleep for extended periods of time, you begin to dream while awake — hence the delusions and hallucinations. Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is a 90-minute deep sleep cycle during which you dream. Tripp’s experiment revealed that even though he was awake — walking around and talking — his brainwaves showed he was asleep, and it was during the REM cycles that he was most likely to hallucinate. Essentially, he was experiencing his nightmares in an awake state. Tripp finally went to bed after remaining awake for 201 consecutive hours, and slept for 24 hours. Upon waking, there were no signs of delusions and Tripp reported feeling quite normal. His wife, however, disagreed, saying he’d changed. The couple eventually got divorced. The attending psychiatrists also agree that after his experiment, his personality had changed, and that the change appeared to be permanent. He was no longer as cheerful and easygoing as he’d been before. Arguments with his boss led to the loss of his job as well. Those who knew him best insist those eight days of sleep deprivation damaged his psyche long-term. Parts of Your Brain Become More Active During Sleep As explained by Walker, your brain doesn’t shut down during sleep. Quite the contrary. While some parts are subdued, other parts become far more active than during wakefulness. During REM sleep, the visual, motor/kinesthetic, emotional and memory centers all ramp up their activity. Meanwhile, activity in your prefrontal cortex — the “CEO of the brain” that rules rationality and logical thinking — decreases. This is why dreams can be so visually and kinesthetically powerful, sucking you into a vortex of emotion while simultaneously being completely irrational and illogical. And, when you are sleep deprived, this “dreaming while awake” state can start to seep through, as it did in Tripp’s experiment. Indeed, studies have shown skimping on sleep is a surefire way to lose emotional control, become more emotionally volatile — and more irrational. If you frequently feel emotionally off-kilter or struggle with a short fuse, chances are you might manage your emotions a whole lot better were you to get more sleep on a nightly basis. Walker also cites research showing there’s a dramatic difference in injury rates between those who sleep enough and those who don’t. Athletes who get just five hours of sleep have a 60 percent higher injury rate than those who get nine hours. Five Common Enemies of Sleep Walker defines sleep deprivation as sleeping less than seven hours a night,4 and statistics show half of all American adults fail to get the recommended eight hours of sleep each night. An estimated 1 in 3 is getting six hours of sleep or less per night. According to a Gallup Poll,5 Americans slept an average of 7.9 hours a night in 1942. Today, the average is six hours and 31 minutes, Walker says, adding, “That means there’s a huge swath of people well below that average.” Walker also notes that “One of the big problems with lack of sleep is that you don’t know you’re sleep deprived when you’re sleep deprived! Your subjective sense of how well you’re doing with a lack of sleep is a miserable predictor for how you’re doing objectively.” So, with sleep deprivation being so rampant, what’s the cause? Walker pins the blame for our consistently declining slumber patterns on the following “enemies of sleep:” Alcohol and caffeine: These and other substances, such as sleeping pills, interfere with sleep quality and sleep time Artificial lighting: We have effectively electrified the night, and light at night damages your health by degrading your sleep Loneliness, anxiety and depression: The longing for connection and the effects of mental illness can often interfere with or cause people to forego sleep Long work hours: The international business environment, increased global competition and longer commuter times are just a few of the factors contributing to the increase in work hours and stress-related burnout Overcommitment: Schedules are filled from morning to night, and many people are unwilling to trade entertainment or socializing with family and friends for sleep When asked by The Guardian if he takes his own advice about sleep, Walker replied:6 “I give myself a nonnegotiable eight-hour sleep opportunity every night, and I keep very regular hours. If there is one thing I tell people, it’s to go to bed and to wake up at the same time every day, no matter what. I take my sleep incredibly seriously because I have seen the evidence. Once you know that after just one night of only four or five hours of sleep, your natural killer cells — the ones that attack the cancer cells that appear in your body every day — drop by 70 percent, or that a lack of sleep is linked to cancer of the bowel, prostate and breast … how could you do anything else?” Simple Sleep Hacks to Improve Your Sleep As noted by Walker, there are a number of ways to “hack” your biology to improve your sleep. Following are some of his favorites. For many more, see “Sleep — Why You Need It and 50 Ways to improve It.” • Keep a regular sleep schedule seven days a week. Go to bed and wake up at the same times each day, even on the weekends. This will help your body to get into a sleep rhythm and make it easier to fall asleep and get up in the morning. To this, I would add getting bright sunlight exposure in the morning and for at least a half-hour to an hour right around noon, to help reset your circadian clock. • Avoid bright lights and minimize use of electronics in the evening. Both bright lights and electronic screens are major sleep thieves, robbing you of the ability to fall asleep quickly. Research has shown that the more time you spend on electronic devices during the day, and especially at night, the longer it takes to fall asleep and the less sleep you get overall.7,8 Walker suggests dimming the lights in your room and reading a book rather than watching TV or using electronics before bed. If you must use electronics in the evening, I recommend installing blue-blocking software such as Iris, or use blue blocking glasses. • Make sure your bedroom is cool enough. Studies show the optimal room temperature for sleep is between 60 to 68 degrees F. Keeping your room cooler or hotter can lead to restless sleep. When you sleep, your body’s internal temperature drops to its lowest level, generally about four hours after you fall asleep. A cooler bedroom mimics this natural temperature drop. Sleeping naked can also help. • Keep your feet warm. While your body needs to be cool, your extremities need to stay warm for optimal sleep. At least one study has shown that wearing socks to bed reduces night waking. • Take a hot bath or sauna before bed. When your body temperature is raised in the late evening, it will fall at bedtime, facilitating sleep. The core body temperature drop that occurs when you exit the bath signals your body it’s time for bed. Beware of Electric and Electromagnetic Fields Based on the research I’ve done, I believe eliminating electric and electromagnetic fields (EMFs) in your bedroom is a really important factor that can improve both your quantity and quality of sleep. EMFs have the ability to disrupt your pineal gland’s production of melatonin and serotonin, and are a significant contributor to mitochondrial damage and dysfunction, which is at the heart of virtually all chronic disease. EMF exposure has also been linked to neuronal changes that affect memory and your ability to learn.9 EMFs harm your body’s mitochondria by producing excessive oxidative damage, so “marinating” in EMFs all night, every night, can cause or contribute to virtually any chronic ailment, including premature aging. Ideally, shut down the electricity to your bedroom by pulling your circuit breaker before bed. Also be sure to shut down your Wi-Fi. Keep in mind that even if you completely shut off the electricity in your bedroom, your room may still be electrified. This is what happened to me, and when I used sophisticated body voltage measurements I was able to detect this. This is a result of electrical fields (not electricity) transferred into your home by the electric utility and spreading in your home. This can be remediated using certain kinds of shielding paint that is then grounded to form a Faraday cage, which stops the fields from entering your bedroom. Should You Use Melatonin? Rogan asks Walker about the use of melatonin. Is it advisable to use melatonin if you’re having a hard time falling asleep? Walker recommends the use of melatonin to resynchronize your circadian clock when traveling between time zones. “You can use melatonin strategically for jet lag,” he says. “Once, however, you are stable within the new time zone, melatonin does not seem to be efficacious for healthier sleep … But if it works for you — no harm, no foul. Keep taking it.” Ideally, it is best to increase your melatonin level naturally, which is achieved by exposing yourself to bright sunlight in the daytime (along with full spectrum fluorescent bulbs in the winter) and complete darkness at night. If that fails or isn’t possible, I’d suggest trying a 5-HTP, which I believe is a superior approach to using melatonin, especially if you’re older. 5-HTP is a hydroxylated form of tryptophan that easily passes your blood brain barrier. Your body converts 5-HTP first into serotonin (which may give your mood a boost), and then into melatonin. In one study, an amino acid preparation containing both GABA (a calming neurotransmitter) and 5-HTP reduced time to fall asleep, increased the duration of sleep and improved sleep quality.10 You can also take some magnesium malate or glycinate before bed to increase body relaxation. Cannabidiol (CBD) oil is yet another option. CBD oil not only helps reduce pain and muscle spasms, which may keep you awake, but also promotes general relaxation and has been shown to improve sleep. To Optimize Your Health, Make Sure You Get Enough Sleep Regardless of the reason for your sleeplessness, research linking chronic poor sleep and lack of sleep to disease and illness cannot be ignored. Research (cited by Walker) has shown that a single night of sleeping just four hours lowered the amount of natural killer cells — powerful immune fighters that target malignant cells — by 70 percent. In other words, a single night of sleep deprivation throws you into what Walker calls “a remarkable state of immune deficiency” that raises the risk that cancer cells will multiply in your body. Additionally, each spring, when we lose an hour of sleep due to the switchover to daylight saving time, there’s a 24 percent increase in heart attacks — and that’s from the loss of a single hour. In the fall, when we gain an hour of sleep, there’s a 21 percent decrease in heart attacks. “That’s how fragile and vulnerable your body is to even just the smallest [change in] sleep,” Walker says. Sleeping just six hours a night for seven days straight has even been shown to distort gene activity. Genes related to immune function were switched off, while genes related to tumors, chronic inflammation and stress were overexpressed. The scientific facts underscore my belief that there is no substitute for, nor any excuse for not getting, a full night’s rest. If you think you “don’t have the time” to sleep for seven or eight hours because you have too much work on your plate, think again. As noted by Walker, “Why do we overvalue workers that undervalue sleep?” The fact is, sleeping less does not equate to greater productivity. In fact, the complete opposite is true. When you’re working on an inadequate amount of sleep, attention, logic, efficiency and productivity go down the drain and emotional reactivity goes up. Given its importance, I encourage you to take a few moments today to evaluate your sleep habits. Are you getting enough sleep? If not, what’s one change you can make to improve the length and/or quality of your sleep? If you need help getting started, check out my 16 Chronological Tips to Improve Your Sleep, or read through “Sleep — Why You Need It and 50 Ways to improve It,” hyperlinked earlier.

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