#mostly bc i am proud of it and partly bc i want people to know it’s on purpose:

[mumblesplash]

i say if you’re gonna have the mysterious entities speak in rhyme you might as well commit (EDIT: part 2!)

(posting an unprecedented Part 1 of At Least 3 bc i actually have the entire script and most of the storyboarding for this done already)

#yknow. got an idea. had a breakdown. bon appetit #this was the creative impulse i was referring to on sunday #my art #secret life #secret life spoilers #slsmp #grian #geminitay #briefly #trafficblr #also #mostly bc i am proud of it and partly bc i want people to know it’s on purpose: #grian is not trying to rhyme at all in this part. he is being deliberately unhelpful #he lowkey tries to fuck it up on purpose in that second to last panel but the secret keepers just switch rhyme schemes #the one time he completes an end rhyme is because he lost his temper #anyway yeah this was motivated mostly by me wanting to see if i could do it

[kae-karo]

fic writer interview!

i saw @prince-liest do this and thus i will take ur 'tagging anyone who wants to do this' seriously lmaoooo (also hi btw hope ur well!!! 💜💜)

How many works do you have on AO3?

ahaha,,,,,159 lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

fdsjkkjlsfdklj as of today, 2,089,769

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

only three fsdjkldslfkj the phandom (dan&phil), bnha, and genshin!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

chosen (x) - zhongchi (genshin)

to love (and be loved in return) (x) - kaeluc (genshin)

little bird (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

feet don't touch the ground (x) - xiaoven (genshin)

i knew you were fire (x) - dabihawks (bnha)

honestly none of that surprises me except that little bird is still up there, although i think i owe that to sif (@the-final-sif) for sharing it around the time it got posted since it was partly inspired by her raptor stress grip post!!

the rest are all chaptered fics, which is mostly what i expected to be in the top 5 lmao

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

yes!!! always!!!! no matter what u comment, i will respond!!! and if i don't, it's probably cause ao3 didn't notify me properly or i didn't see it in my inbox or something

as for why, it's mostly to do with like...i know how hard it can be for some people to comment, even just a bunch of heart emojis or a 'i loved this!' or something short and simple? and it means a lot to me that ppl are going out of their way to say something nice, no matter how small, and it's really really important to me to acknowledge that

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

hmm,,,,,this is a hard one, cause for a very long time, my policy was that my fic would always have a happy ending? and for a long time, that was true!! but the dabihawks interaction (during the raid) broke me, and from an emotional standpoint, i think freeing icarus (x) is probably the one that has the angstiest ending of the two or so that i wrote in that time?

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

u know i really haven't written any crossovers? it's normally not my thing cause my brain typically focuses on a single thing and doesn't really have the capacity to think about more than that, so i end up writing just au-style or fusion-style (shoutout to that one bnha but it was scooby doo fic i wrote - x)

i don't think i'd be opposed to writing a crossover but i'd have to be SUPER inspired by the idea and both fandoms lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha yes, i have. the only straight up hate i've received was on a kaeluc fic (surprisingly not because it was kaeluc, but bc i was 'mistreating' kaeya in the fic) - to be entirely fair, the commenter pointed out something that i hadn't realized myself, and it led to a second piece of the story that helped me tie up some loose ends, but...let's just say they weren't very kind about their feelings lmao

other than that, i had someone very upset because i didn't tag which character was bottoming in a fic (valid if that bugs u!) and they read through most of it before getting to the smut (and said that they enjoyed everything up to that point) then said they were 'disgusted' by it. i have opinions on that and a few other comments they made, but i will keep them to myself lmao

and beyond that, just a few ppl on my xiaoven fic saying that they were unhappy about the background kaeluc (which is tagged lmao) - really no hate whatsoever til genshin, honestly, which is...very hmmmm :) lmao

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

yep!!! mostly vanilla or vanilla-adjacent lmao i'm not super into heavy kink, although i know if epi reads this she's gonna call me out for being a monsterfucker bc of my dragon!zhongli smut :) lmaoooo but really i tend to write pretty vanilla smut! i also prefer to avoid any noncon/dubcon or hate sex or anything particularly angsty, just not my jam to write!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

hmm i don't think so? although i don't heavily monitor ao3 (or wattpad/ffn), so i can't really say that for sure lmao

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!! i've had a few fics translated to russian (little bird is one of them!) which is very sweet and i hope that anyone who prefers to read in russian has been enjoying those fics!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

alksdfjklsdf only once, and it's deadass how me and rose got together. we decided to co-write a podcast au fic for the phandom (x) and ended up flirting via google docs asldkfjkldsfj

What’s your all time favourite ship?

what a horrible question, making me choose between my children like this!!!! sdlfkjdskf tbh i'm not sure i have a real answer bc it changes as i go? and 'favorite' is so vague,,,,,favorite to read? to write about? to think about? asdklfjkjsdfk i really don't know if i have an answer, but i'll maybe say kaeluc for now lmao

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

well first and foremost, with only 2 exceptions, i never post a fic unless it's done. i tend to follow wherever my passion leads my brain, so i'm notorious for jumping around between stories and taking breaks from long fic and returning later on to finish them, and i know that i would not do well under the pressure of posting something unfinished and trying to finish it in a timely manner

that said, many wips sit in my google doc folder, but one is Well Known as the one that has followed me through both the phandom and bnha (rose keeps asking who i'm gonna switch the chars to in genshin, but i think it suits bakudeku too well to do that) - only the lonely survive. it sits at like 36k in my wip folder, and i adore the story dearly and i want very much to finish it, but it never makes it quite to the forefront of my motivation, and so it rarely if ever gets worked on...i hate the idea of 'never' finishing it, but it's unfortunately quite likely that i won't 😭😭😭

What are your writing strengths?

emotion!!! and immersion!!! it's my goal in a fic to make it as immersive as possible and saturated with emotion to help convey that feeling of being in the place of the pov character, and i think i do it pretty well. also just bc i feel a little obligated to say it - another strength is actually sitting down and putting words down. i know that's a struggle for a lot of writers and i often get,,,,lovingly bullied? i guess? lmao for being able to bash out a few k in a day most days

What are your writing weaknesses?

this isn't so much a weakness i guess but i am basically incapable of treating crack fic as crack. if i have a cracky idea, it will, without a doubt, end up turning into a Perfectly Serious fic somehow (notable 'crack treated so seriously that it's no longer crack' fics include: todoroki doing the freeze-the-ocean thing from frozen 2, 'shmigaraki', todo and denki get together bc of vine references, the league sells feet pics, shiggy and natsu own a nightclub/bakery, scooby doo but make it bnha, and dabi getting his ears pierced at claire's)

but in all seriousness, i think my main weakness is that i often get comfortable? and i'm not one to typically push myself forcefully out of my comfort zone when it comes to stories that i come up with on my own, which often means that ideas inspired by discussions with others are what prompt me to branch out and try new things?

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think, like anything, it has its place? there are certainly stories where it makes sense to do that and even adds depth to a story, although i personally am not exceptionally comfortable enough with other languages (except maybe asl) to do that in fic myself without the assistance of someone very comfortable with that language lmao

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the phandom! not really my jam to write rpf anymore but it definitely got me started and i'm really grateful for my time writing there, as everyone was super supportive and kind, and it was really a perfect place for a beginner to get comfortable and practice

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

again, forcing me to choose between my children...i really don't know that i can pick one fic bc they all exist in such wildly different spaces? i poured my worldbuilding soul into the king of disaster series (mainly dabihawks - x), exile (dan and phil - x) was my first massively long fic, our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone (chayea - x) is probably my favorite character/character dynamic study, i'm exceptionally proud of the smut in chosen (zhongchi - x), the list goes on and on and on lmao like. i could probably list half my fics as favorites in some regard dsflkjdfsjkl

anyway, tyty bellamy for putting this on my dash so i could do it as well!!

tagging: literally anyone who wants to do this, i have so many writer friends slkdjfjklsdf but please please tag me if u do it so i can read urs!!! 💜💜💜

#writing

[notbecauseofvictories]

HOLY SHIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARENT FROM THE SOUTH i thought FOR SURE you were from georgia specifically, bc you mentioned macon in a cornstalk fiddle and as someone living there & who’s lived in georgia my whole life it’s So Accurate wtf!!! incredible job not making us a stereotype damn!!! thank you for all the care you put into this work

To be fair, I went to Atlanta once! However, we spent most of our day in the Coke headquarters so I don’t think it should count.

Nevertheless, I did spend 4 years living in Kentucky, so I’m well aware that crossing the Mason-Dixon line does not immediately catapult you into a Flannery O'Connor story. I’m even a little proud of my defiance of stereotype---when I set out to write “Cornstalk Fiddle” I deliberately avoided them, refused to write in dialect, excised anything that felt “folksy.” I wanted a Johnny who plays sets in the local country bar, who has a roommate who’s a nurse and a single mother who married an immigrant; he gives violin lessons to high school students and relies on his beat-up truck to get to gigs, repairs his case with duct tape and met his bandmates because they kept showing up at the same bluegrass festivals. I wanted Johnny to be modern; one of the cool local musicians I knew growing up, except...confronted with the Devil. 

(The Devil is, of course, always himself.)

Ironically enough, a lot of “Cornstalk Fiddle” is actually mostly based on my time in Michigan. That’s where I learned to fiddle and square dance. (Partly because my middle school orchestra director also led a fiddling group; partly because Henry Ford was a racist who insisted on teaching square dancing in PE so kids would stop listening to rock and roll.) Michigan was where my friends and I would hang out at the 4-H fair, wandering around to admire lacework and the different chicken breeds and eat elephant ears while listening to bluegrass tunes played by some local band. The nearest city was Ann Arbor, which had a phenomenal music scene, and it filtered out into the nearby towns in private lessons with grad students and garage band-level string quartets. “Cornstalk Fiddle” has a wedding set in Macon---i.e., a “fake country wedding in a barn, all mason jars and strings of Christmas lights wrapped around hay bales”---but that’s a wedding I have been to, seen cluttering up my facebook timeline, geotagged with Michigan, Kentucky, and Illinois too.

So, I’m not a Southerner. But I am intimately familiar with a world where you drive everywhere, where most radio stations are playing country music or Christian rock, where most buildings you drive past are churches, banks, and chain restaurants. And I feel a lot of tenderness for those places---like I said, I grew up among them, and I think very fondly about the people I knew (and know) there; I have immense respect for the lives they lead. That was what I tried to infuse throughout the fic, even if the rest is about theology and also music and maybe wanting to kiss the devil.

#the devil went down to georgia (and then went down on johnny) #Anonymous #I will not speak for people who actually grew up in the south but I think there's a midwestern/southern solidarity #that doesn't get talked about enough #driving from southern michigan up to the UP and driving from cincinnati to southern kentucky is the same experience #the same layers of class division being peeled back; the same vanishing of industry that harmed more than it helped #(auto and steel in michigan; coal and tobacco in kentucky) #even indiana and illinois - gary to south chicago to chicago #the semi-rural semi-suburban midwest is what I know and care about intensely so yeah that's where johnny hangs out

[kenmae]

hey, this is pearl, and i would like a haikyuu matchup ! i'm a minor and in high school. 4'11 in height, thin in stature, brown hair which is long as hell because my family likes it that way, asian. a fairly okay person to talk to, however my humor is incredibly random, and i am very much of a person who talks about everything in their life without fail. oversharing, i suppose (sometimes looks lame and its a fault i need to correct, but most of the stuff i talk about never actually means anything to me. its just a need to talk and share stuff. like a lot.) my hobbies are mostly related to studies (every kind, my current faves are chemistry, history and historical fashion and literature), handwriting, letterwriting (dried flowers, self made tea stained paper, self cut quills,, love it), baking and writing. i'm a kpop fan as well. i used to do sports (rifle shooting, on paper targets) but ive moved onto dancing now (my knee and ankle on right leg is weak, but i pull through). i require a lot of physical affection. my personalities differ slightly with people, its a tailor fit most of the time so i usually make a lot of friends. however they dont usually last long. sad but its just to be dealt with. i'm younger than the people i'm with, hence not taken as seriously, and also the daughter of a teacher, so when it comes to rules and authority, i can be pretty strict. this is getting long, i should probably stop. i cant guarantee i'm as much of me as i describe, but in the end it all comes down to interpretation. thank you, especially for guiding me through the matchup process before this. <33

i match you with... HINATA SHOYO

↶ loves your random humour! i personally believe that hinata's humour is also all over the place, and he would find you incredibly funny, partly because you have a similar sense of humour but also because you're funny!!

↶hinata would literally listen to you talk about anything. loves your voice, and if you're comfortable enough around him to just tell him what you did that day, he would adore it.

↶oversharing buddies w him!! but he wouldn't mind bc i like to think he's very openminded and understanding, especially when it comes to oversharing. hinata is no stranger just blurting the things that come to mind and will happily listen to what you have to say

↶honestly will not understand how you like the chemistry and all of that, but he's very impressed. tells everyone that you're super smart, and he's proud of it.

↶will tell you he's proud of you for literally anything. he always means it, and wants you to know how proud he is.

↶the fact that you make paper is so fascinating to him, and would probably just sit and watch you do it. would also bring you snacks while you're making stuff!!

↶ok, he would love to try rifle shooting but would forget the range rules so mf fast bc he was excited about it,,, so tbh don't let him do anything but watch.

↶amazed at the fact you can dance, and would learn as much as he could to dance with you!!

↶ajkdhfadsf ok this is so short but i think hinata would be so supportive of you and overall would be such a wonderful s/o for you and i think you guys match really well!!!

sorry this took so long!! i've been a little bit of a slump w matchups recently<33

#hq #hinata shoyo #haikyuu #matchup #hq matchups #hq fluff

[keshetchai]

I’m going to throw this under a cut, it’s mostly just personal stuff and idk. I don’t care who reads it particularly but also I think it’s nice to put rambles under the jump cut. 

I recognize I SHOULD reach out to my rabbi (not today, not right before shabbat, but in general just to talk because I need to talk) and I SHOULD find a therapist to talk to and I SHOULD do a lot of things but actually my brain is just a merry-go-round of “I’m okay, but I’m not? Things are okay, but they are bad actually?” i should be journaling in my real deal journal! but i’m not? 

I didn’t have my adderall refilled for a month and now i’m back on it again and am a little jumpy (this will usually settle away after a day or two). the med tech asked how i was doing with my anxiety and depression and it’s surreal to be like “oh my normal baseline clinical anxiety and depression are fine, it’s the situational part that is out of control” and try to have that...be understandable lol. 

I keep telling myself I, personally, am okay. I am secure in ways I wasn’t before b’’h. I am doing better. a LOT better. i recognize this. I feel like I have been...not able to engage as Jewishly as I really want which is upsetting to me. I’m not sure what to re-focus on doing so that I am engaged again. 

but also simultaneously, while I the individual am okay, there is a lot that is not okay that makes me...less okay? not just the world in general, but my little brother (19 yo) has been lying to family for months about various things (and usually gets caught out) for MONTHS. 

last fall he was supposed to be starting community college, he had a full time(!) job and I was so so proud. But then it began to unravel. He quit his job (partly because they fired his friend, and partly because they were disorganized and had no one to train him to do his job apparently?). Then without telling anyone right before the pandemic hit, he dropped out of school. (not even online classes, just dropped out totally. and lied.) 

then he started claiming he was dating this girl he met online (which is not bad PER SE) but she is maybe 16?? too young!!! at some point he took himself to the hospital psych ward, which is fine, he’s allowed to do that and get help if he needs. and then after midnight on my mother’s birthday in april he asked if he could just “Get out of the house” for the night and rent a hotel room “nearby”. my mom said okay, and let him borrow her truck. there’s many details missing here like our cousin M found out about his real plan and tried to stop him, told her dad, who tried to warn my mom i guess, who knows. well, come to find out that his “nearbye” was not in the same STATE even. He ended up flipping her truck in NEW MEXICO. he was fine, but he totaled her truck. 

mom gets new truck per insurance payout. brother is fine. except last weekend(?) my mom texts me asking if I heard from my brother, the answer was no. apparently he stole $4,500 from my grandparents by going to the atm with my nana’s debit card. when she called the bank to report fraud, she had to keep calling back for DAYS. she cried. my brother said nothing. she of course, filed a police report because an atm withdrawal doesn’t look like a fraud case, it looks like spending your own money. but once the police report is on file, the bank pulled the atm video records. and they have my brother on tape. 

so he committed a felony on tape (thinking I guess, that the bank would obviously just pay it back to my grandparents, all this money they saved and saved to replace furniture and make home repairs, they are broke, literally bankrupt.) and then I had to spend the weekend convincing my mother that davka even people caught red handed should demand to speak with legal counsel. (she was very “he is taking responsibility for this!!!” oh sure, but he still needs a lawyer.) 

anyways my grandparents kicked him out (rightfully so they fed and housed him for most of his life and he steals nearly 5,000??? apparently he is claiming he owed the money to drug dealers (if true, he’s an absolute radish brain. his mother works for the local courts, his grandfather used to be a prison guard, his uncle worked gang/drugs task force for the local police, like...i’m the first one who didn’t even ATTEMPT ROTC or law enforcement at some point)

the last updates i have are: 1.) the local PD isn’t jailing anyone for non-violent crime right now due to COVID, as long as my brother turned himself in which is why i told my mother he needs a lawyer 2.) he’ll probably be able to vote again in our state after time served or like...parole or who knows what but still, of course he gets likely charged with a felony before his first election, bc my grandparents will probably need to pursue this to get any money back 3.) my mom is staying with him in a hotel, and they’re hoping to get him into a shelter bc ofc he QUIT HIS JOB and my grandparents RIGHTFULLY kicked him out for theft. and he has nowhere to go. even if i wasn’t across the country, I can’t take a literal bank theft/fraud criminal in my home because I work for a Bank. My uncle can’t take him, he’s a cop. our other uncle lives in the side-house at my grandparent’s. Our dad is in Mexico, and you can’t leave the country if you don’t have a passport, which my brother doesn’t. 

I’m furious at him and furious at my mother who honestly, was enabling some of his behavior in ways I would’ve never EVER been allowed to do as a kid. 

I want to scream. uuuuughhhhhhh. I told my mother MONTHS ago he was out of line and I wouldn’t have gotten as far as XYZ but no, grand theft auto of her truck wasn’t enough she waits until he commits theft related to drugs. he is NINETEEN. 

[seawitchkaraoke]

There’s a lot of things that would have been easier in my childhood if my parents realized that all three of their kids had adhd and if they had understood precisely what that meant and what we needed and not just as “this is the reason [my older brother] is bad in school”

Obviously I can’t just blame them for that. My older brother DID get diagnosed with adhd and yet no medical professional at the time pointed out that it often runs in families. No one suggested to get me and my younger brother evaluated. No one suggested to look into whether or not my parents might have adhd too (my father apparently does, though i don’t think he’s diagnosed. He just eventually worked it out). My mother got practically traumatised by how my older brother’s adhd was handled. He got meds, but they didn’t fix anything (because meds do not!! teach skills!), he actually got exspelled from school at one point, (which in retrospect was the best thing that could have happened, since that school is just objectively the absolute worst, I legitimatelly do not know anyone who went to that school who didn’t get fucked up by it one way or another). He went to a boarding school and that helped SO MUCH bc there was so much more structure there. He did well! He’s figured it out, he now years later went for an adult adhd diagnosis and of course he has it, duh, but he’s doing well. I’m proud of him. But none of his successes are thanks to how his adhd was handled bc it just fucking wasn’t handled!

Me? I did well in school, so no one ever even suspected I might have adhd (even though. again. my older brother was diagnosed and it’s highly genetic). But clearly, since I was a girl and doing well, who cares if my room is a mess and my homework gets done the morning before it’s due (if at all), who cares if I only study the night before an exam, who cares if I’m sometimes disproportionally hurt by things people say, that’s just being a teenager right? She’s just a bit lazy, whatever, she gets great grades, no need to worry, no need to ask her if maybe she would like to reach her potential, no need to figure out if she isn’t just lazy, right? She’s fine, she’s smart, she’s fine. (of course if they asked me i would have said i was just lazy too. i would have said i’m fine too. I was and still am very good at lying to myself and i needed to be the smart one, i needed to be fine)

My younger brother though? There’s no excuse there. Maybe he didn’t struggle as much in school as my older brother did, but he did struggle in ways that now that I know shit about it, are very obvious signs of adhd. And yet. He only got diagnosed at 18. At least he’s seeing a professional somewhat regularily as far as I know, so maybe they’re teaching him skills as well as giving him meds? But idk precisely and either way, it should have happened way earlier than this. And partly that’s on my parents for not realizing that something was up and getting us evaluated but mostly it’s on the people treating my older brother bc they fucked it up with him and scared my mom away from seeking any help in that direction for us. Instead she brought us to a alternative “medicine” practioner who have us some nice homeopathy stuff, that did absolutely nothing apart from maybe some placebo stuff (which can be powerful in it’s own right, but it sure didn’t cure my adhd). The practioner was very friendly. I liked her. A psychatrist would have helped more.

Anyway, this got away from me, but I’m just so sad at the thought of what my childhood could have been if my parents had known and understood what my brothers and me needed. Hell, if my dad had understood what he needed! Like clear schedules in place for when to clean and when to do homework and clear systems for just how to do that! We had rules that we all had to clean our rooms on saturdays, but that was so difficult every single week and my parents assumed I was just being stubborn and eventually gave up, when what I needed wasn’t “do it or i’ll take your book away” but some system with which to work, or a way to gamify it.

Just in general my mother (and honestly my dad too, much as i love him) always assumed (and often still does) that when she told us to do something and we didn’t do it, we were being stubborn or even purposefully trying to annoy or hurt her. Part of that is due to her own mental health issues, but some of that is just the deep lack of understanding on how adhd works. It’s not that we don’t want to (i mean sometimes it is, obviously, like we were kids come on), but usually it’s that we can’t. We just. Can’t get up and do the thing and you yelling at us won’t help.

Anyway. I don’t know where I’m going with this, just..... german mental health professionals have got to do better in, idk, making parents not fear their kids’ condition and educating them on it properly. And I really wish I could have an open and honest conversation with my family about adhd and how to handle it, since swapping resources could probably be immensly useful, but now there’s so much baggage around that topic that it’s hard to even bring up.

#adhd #parenting #idk this is just a rant #but like. if they had understood there's so many things they could have done! #there's ways to gamify chores that would have helped immensly #but instead we had to all figure it out on our own

[imkindanerdforlanguages]

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was actually right about everything about my crush and her maybe girlfriend! Full story below and some will be repeat if anyone’s actually been keeping up with this. Skip to the third to last paragraph if you only wanna hear what happened today and not all the back story. I wrote this mainly so I could look at it later and remember and it turned out wayyyy longer than expected

Ok so I’ve like this girl a long time and we’ve been friends never questioned too much of she liked girls or not so that was never really a problem. So cut to football season 2017. We’re both in marching band and that’s how we became friends that year. We ended up both being in the same English class that school year and I become good friends with some of her other friends, including her maybe gf. (Shout out to those friends they’re super great). Since I have a massive crush on her (it’s 2018 by now) I pay more attention to her and stuff and I kinda notice how she acted with maybe gf. Like paying attention to maybe gf like I payed attention to her, looking at her lips, always mentioning her, stuff like that. So I think “oh she likes her, oh well, I wish her the best.” I’m quite shy irl so I wasn’t gonna make a move or anything and I was content what it was, though hopeful that she’ll maybe like me someday. I hate if people come on too strong myself and kinda believe that feelings are just gonna be what they are, rather than things that can swung heavily (idk if that makes sense but whatever)

So summer break happens then we’re at marching band 2018 still got my crush, still hopeful but not expecting much bc I still notice things between my crush and maybe gf. I think maybe gf is straight (I know, I know I’m not for assuming people’s sexuality but it was what it was) maybe it was my feelings making me think that maybe gf would never reciprocate but anyways I mainly feel bad for my crush bc it looks she really likes this girl and I can relate lol. So homecoming comes and I really wanna slow dance with her but I miss my fucking chance bc I go to the bathroom. Oh well. She did grind on me at one point but all the girls in our group were so whatever it was nice but didn’t really mean anything. And I actually worked up the nerve to text her that she looked gorgeous at homecoming (which she did) and I’m still proud of myself for that

One day shortly after, we’re at a band competition in the warmup room chilling bc we’re waiting for the rain to stop so we can go on. We’re talking in a group and someone ends up asking her if she has a crush on maybe gf, and she quickly denies (and I think yeah right lol) but then they ask if she has a crush on me and she stutters our her denial. The way she did it made me think that maybe I had a chance (there were other things too of course like the occasional look, etc). So the next day I muster up all the courage I have and text her asking if she has a crush on me, she says no, and I confess that I like her to get it off my chest. I thank god that we still remained great friends after that. We actually haven’t brought it up since.

Then the next football game she’s asked if she’s ever kissed a girl and she says yes and I’m like ah ha! I bet they are actually dating. (Side note that I kinda came out to like have the band that night cause someone asked if I was straight and I said no). I get a text from maybe gf the next day asking for relationship advice (she had never mentioned that she was in a relationship before) or something (I can’t really remember anymore). She’s playing the pronoun game so I figure that it’s a girl she’s dating and she’s says so later and tells me she’s bi. I told her I was bi too and we bonded over that and stuff it was nice and brought us closer etc. She says she doesn’t wanna tell me who it is and I respected that but I kinda figured that it was my crush. I think oh well that sucks for me but I’m happy for them. For things like this I largely live by just flowing with life and seeing where it takes you. If I didn’t I’d probably literally explode from stress lmao

Over then next couple months she tells me various things about her relationship which went through ups and downs. She felt trapped and pressured to come out and like nobody else could ever love her (which I always denied). There was a rough patch where she overloaded me with emotional stuff (which I am not prepared to handle) but it’s not too relevant to the story other than that a lot of the things she said made me more sure that my crush was her gf bc it just sounded like how she would act (note that after this she pretty much stopped texting me about her gf so I didn’t really get anymore info)

Sidenote: I’m not too sure how healthy their relationship actually was and since I only ever got one side of it I’m still not too sure how much of what I was told was truthful vs exaggerated since maybe gf was going through a rough patch. There were things like her panicking bc her gf was talking about marriage (yikes) and coming out and stuff. But she also talked about how it was easy to not cheat bc there was no one else in our town and she would kiss other girls as like a shock factor thing at parties and be like “my gf shouldn’t get mad bc it’s not like fr” (also yikes). I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that both of them had things that weren’t the best but we’re teenagers and this was probably both of their first relationships so I’m not labeling them as bad people or anything. The biggest clue tho that my crush was her gf was that she said that her gf was the only person who knew all the terrible things about her/her life and since my crush was probably the closest to her I sorta assumed

Sidenote 2: some other things that made me sure of their relationship: my crush once got jealous of me in the group chat (she jokingly told me no to something, idk what anymore, and my crush was like what about me??? Lol), maybe gf kinda tripped and my crushes hand went to her waist in an intimate way to stabilize her, they were always each other’s lock screens, my crush would always give in to maybe gf (which sometimes I didn’t like bc I felt like she had to give into some things she shouldn’t have— not like really bad things but just kinda :/ and she’d have to apologize for playful insults even tho maybe gf said like the same level of insult), the eye contact when our teacher mentioned interracial sex lol, also the constant FaceTiming and calling that lowkey got on my nerves (nyc trip was the worst but really wasn’t that bad. It was mostly the jealousy that made it suck)

Sidenote 3: prom happened somewhere in here and we cuddled on the couch a bit but not like what your thinking, more like sat really close but it was nice. At one point she was like completely on top of me bc she was fighting with someone playfully

Anyways moving on to the end of the school year, I’m like 90% sure they’re dating, and I notice things seem tense between them. My crush would put her head down a lot and they would playfully insult each other with a bit more bite. They didn’t hang around each other as much as they used to, etc. I was just really picking up on some vibes. Eventually things seem to settle down a bit buts it’s the end of the year already and they’re graduating and stuff.

All three of us ended up doing this program at a university that lets kids work with scientists and learn about stem etc. we each work in different labs so we don’t see each other everyday but the group gets together like 1-2 times a week. During these, I notice that they just don’t seem as close, like they didn’t sit next to each other, phone lock screens aren’t each other, crush’s name in maybe gfs phone is her full name not nick name (though this could have always been that, I’m not sure), my crush no longer apologizes or cares as much if maybe gf gets a little mad (which she gets easily). Taking this with the tension before school got out into consideration, I figure that they must have broken up. Cool cool, maybe I have a chance but also she’s moving across the state for college in a month so :/

That brings us to the grand finale: today. So I have no idea really if they have broken up or if they were even together in the first place. But then maybe gf mentions that she is now dating this guy (which I approve of, he’s super sweet). I kinda suspected bc a picture of him was her lock screen, they had been hanging out a lot, initials in insta bios (which Ik should be a dead give away but she once said that she hates how people assumed that her and this other guy were together when she was dating her gf do I didn’t wanna assume anything) and I was like ah ha! At lest Ik that they aren’t dating now if they ever did in the first place. She invites me to come hang out with her, her bf and another couple that I’m good friends with tomorrow. So after I get home, partly bc I don’t wanna be the only single person there, partly bc I wanna see if I can weasel out the truth, and partly bc I may have day dreamed about us being all coupley too and maybe a kiss (oh how I wish). I text her and ask if my crush can come too so I’m not the only single person there. She texts back saying that it would be a good idea. So I figure it’s now or never so I ask if it’s bc they dated. She originally says no but then says admits that yes they dated but she broke up with her and they are still friends.

She basically says that she broke up with her bc she’s not ready to be out bc she doesn’t wanna lose some of her friends, wants to be normal, etc. she’s always been insecure, so it’s not too surprising for me. I sincerely hope that one day she reaches a place where she can be herself and not worry. I also feel bad for my crush bc I have a feeling that she’s probably still pretty hurt over it and I wish her the best too. I’m not gonna try to like make a move or anything bc a. I have no idea how long it’s been since the breakup and how she feels about it b. I’ve already expressed feelings so I don’t wanna be that person who keeps pusing after they’re rejected c. She’s moving like 6 hours away in a month

All in all I’m super surprised that I actually picked up on the fact that they were dating and had broken up bc I’m am not very emotionally intelligent at all. Honestly I doubt I would have picked up on much if I was paying such close attention bc of my crush. I spent like an hour+ writing this I can’t believe I actually had so much to say and it makes my life seem much more dramatic that it is. Thank you if you actually read all this or have kept up with my woes in the slightest bye

#i was gonna stufy chinese but i wrote this novel instead #me

[delineative]

writing year in review: 2018

total number of completed stories: 9

total word count:

ao3: 43 879

(+ ~5k on socks)

fandoms written in:

dorohedoro

we both chose each other - noi/shin

houseki no kuni

growing without rest - phos/phos

idol producer / nine percent

counting flower petals all day long - xukun/zhengting

leaving nothing behind - xukun/zhengting

when we see each other again - jun/zhengting, ziyi/zhengting, yanjun/zhangjing/zhengting, xukun/zhengting, justin/chengcheng/zhengting

take one step closer - xukun/yanjun/zhengting

nct

from first principles - 00line

produce 101 china / rocket girls

coincidence makes sense - yamy/meiqi/xuanyi

seventeen

the earth in its turning stopped (last 2 chapters) - seungcheol/jeonghan/joshua

reaching for you from the endless dream - wonwoo/jun

wips:

out of the wips i’m currently working on:

dirtmix assignment (will be revealed very shortly!)

nahyuck pacific rim au

markrenmin enemies to lovers fantasy au

looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

around what i expected... i was aiming for 1 fic a month and didn’t quite manage to hit that but i feel like each fic was longer than usual (i’m a terminal shortfic writer so anything over 3k is long for me). like i kept going 1-4k over my projected wordcount which was extremely panic-inducing when i was trying to write to deadlines lmao so overall i’m okay with the quantity of words i produced this year!

what pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

fandom-wise probably the survival show spiral and moving into ncity... if 2017 was the year of yugioh then 2018 was the year of rpf. some of the stuff i posted to socks was very uncharacteristic of my usual m.o but i think everything i put on main was very true to brand i.e ambiguous relationships + vague pining + emo conversations in the dark

did you take any writing risks this year? what did you learn from them?

i signed up for svtbb and had to drop out due to exam pressure, which was sad bc it’s the first exchange/fest i’ve ever defaulted on, but then i went and did lordeventeen and yuletide even though they partly ran through exam seasons too so i guess i learned nothing?!?

actually i think i probably could have afforded to take a few more risks genre-wise, i feel like everything i wrote in 2018 recycled the exact same themes but also at the same time those themes are the only thing i can write. terrible taste i will never change i will never improve that is a promise etc etc

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

reaching for you from the endless dream had me tearing my hair out while i was writing it but ultimately i feel like it paid off! i’ve always wanted to try canon compliant + magic and this ended up with some of the best writing i’ve ever done, plus i’m happy i was finally able to write something for one of my favourite svt ships <3 honourable mention to the concept behind when we see each other again, my post-disbandment allzzt ship manifesto titled after csc_uri_dasi_bol_ttae.mp3 

best story of the year?

also reaching for you from the endless dream! i’m really proud of how this one turned out both in terms of technical quality (.... *repeats the same phrase 300 times* Is This Thematic Consistency?) and emotional beats, and it got so many lovely comments. i think this is probably one of my best fics ever, and i’m glad it struck a chord with other people too!

most popular story of the year?

not counting teiits since most of that was posted in 2017, it’s counting flower petals all day long, which really surprised me when i checked my ao3 stats? i must have hit the sweet spot of fandom growth + burgeoning ship popularity bc literally nothing happens in the fic other than one (1) kiss, but thank you for giving it so much love 💖

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

omg i think everything i wrote this year was WAY over-appreciated but coincidence makes sense, which features a f/f/f rarepair (raretrio?) in a fandom with very little western fan presence, so i’m not surprised by its stats but i’m still pretty fond of this one and consider it one of the better fics i wrote in 2018, and one of the best idolverse fics i’ve ever written

most fun story to write:

from first principles, the debate au fic i’ve wanted to write for like 6 years, my beloved pet project through the month of august, and i think it shows? i tripled my projected word count and in the process of writing fully converted to dreamyism(/renjunism), so a lot of love went into it, even though there are places you can tell i definitely rushed the execution. one day i’ll do justice to a proper nct sports anime fic... 

story with the single sexiest moment:

all the rated content i wrote this year was posted to socks other than the brief dance studio 3some scene in take one step closer, but i genuinely have no idea if that was even sxc since i wrote it on my phone in a feverish last-minute sprint on a plane while blasting twice bdz and haven’t reread it at all jhfgdfjdfh

most sweet story:

the general tone of everything i wrote in 2018 was much less depressing than 2017 but i guess the sweetest story was we both chose each other... what’s more romantic than dismembering a bunch of thugs with your beloved partner and then jumping off a cliff together!!

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

kind of a weird question to apply to rpf... characterisation perceptions are constantly shifting based on current meta and au role needs, though i feel like i’m always struggling to play catchup and by the time i publish anything the general image has shifted ;__; 

most unintentionally telling story:

from first principles draws heavily on my own experiences with high school debating... lots of 3rd speaker related anxieties and hangups projection all over the place in there lmao

hardest story to write:

every time i’m working on something, especially when i’m close to finishing, it is the hardest thing i have ever written... i can’t remember if writing has always been this difficult for me or if it’s an rpf thing. probably i struggled the most with reaching for you from the endless dream bc i’m deeply intimidated by writing jun (light of my life) due to the fear of not doing him justice, and also the deadline pressure nearly killed me. also at one point i called writing from first principles the worst experience of my life but looking back it wasn’t even that bad... mostly it was just that it kept getting longer and longer and eventually i was like Please God Let It End Already

biggest disappointment:

not finishing my svtbb fic... i am literally twitter user juncheolsoo i owe them SOMETHING!! not writing more fic. mediocre execution of decent concepts bc i got too impatient and rushed to finish things before i got bored of them

biggest surprise:

all of my fics about idol boys except one have over 100 kudos, which is just a ridiculous amount?! idol rpf fandoms have been so kind to me... i will work hard to become a better content creator in 2019!!

favourite opening line(s):

from leaving nothing behind:

“Are you looking for Justin?”

Xukun rears back, knuckles still poised to knock on the doorframe. “I—what?”

“Are you looking for Justin?” Zhengting repeats. He’s sprawled across the bottom bunk, leg dangling inelegantly off the edge. The phone in his hand casts an unsteady ellipse of light over his collarbone.

favourite closing line(s):

from growing without rest:

Beyond the arches the world is silent. The gem Phosphophyllite will become returns their gaze steadily, evenly. The shadows lengthen. In the distance behind them, a flicker of white, like light needling off somebody’s back, or the gleam of a pearl eye.

favourite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

from first principles:

“If only Mark-hyung was still here,” Renjun said, only half-jokingly. There was a brief moment of solemn silence as the three of them paused to consider their ex-captain, who had passed on last year to the realm of university debating.

when we see each other again:

So maybe they weren’t friends, but they were something. You couldn’t inhabit the same space for two years and come out the other side as strangers. Sometimes Zhengting thought that might have been easier than whatever this intimacy limbo was supposed to be, knowing somebody in the minutest details, what they looked like at the height of their intensity or the moments before they fell asleep, without really knowing them at all. Looking, and not having the gesture returned, or at least not equally.

coincidence makes sense:

The song ends, starts over. Meiqi doesn’t, though, pivoting to face them, and that’s all the invitation Xuanyi needs to unfold from her position beside Guo Ying and cross the floor. Like two halves of a single movement Meiqi reaches out to Xuanyi and Xuanyi presses their palms together, interlacing their fingers. The tilt of their heads towards each other like it’s something irresistible.

reaching for you from the endless dream:

Junhui was practically raised by the industry. The stage lying close enough to the bone it would be indistinguishable from it. He leaves his intensity on the stage but glimpses of it show through in odd moments, seamlessness without ease. It’s hard for Wonwoo to understand, but most things about Junhui are.

take one step closer:

You want to look into somebody, of course you have to let them look back. This is why he kept away in the first place, the terror of vulnerability when it could be staved off indefinitely instead, though he’d wanted to be seen, hoped for it, even, despite himself, something in the marrow singing out to be known.

It’s like an infection, a second heart in his ribs. A kind of longing that bites right through his hand. Strikes down to the quick. Severs the whole thing clean off. He ran so far from himself he landed in somebody else’s body, and here he is, still trying to escape.

top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

jun lifting zzt up and spinning him around, from when we see each other again (;___; #junting_agenda_seeding)

wonwoo and jun in the kitchen with nectarines spilling out of the open fridge, from reaching for you from the endless dream

cxkzzt conversation in the dark while zzt is wearing a facemask, from leaving nothing behind

00z sports shounen hug, from from first principles

phos getting crushed by their future self’s gold arms, from growing without rest

honourable mention to noishin leaping off a cliff from we both chose each other, which actually did get illustrated in dorohedorozine <3

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

cut down my wip list... please i have 25+ wips on my spreadsheet i just want to FINISH something for once in my life instead of constantly starting new wips and letting them rot in the graveyard of my gdocs

practise writing actual shipfic and not poorly disguised gen. i WILL get better at writing kiss scenes

try to write something over 10k again

relearn what figurative language is and how to use it. rpf boosted my productivity stats but at what cost...

#ash writes #i literally log on once a year to make this post

[idealisticrealism]

Brief thoughts on Blindspot 4x01

So I definitely can’t do the insane reviews that I used to, but apparently I’m incapable of NOT having thoughts about this show, so here’s a few.

So I’ve decided that this is my new format for word-vomiting about this show. Feel free to talk to me about these precious jerks if you want.

Reade: well, looks like your skills in the field aren’t too rusty after your time as AD. But your old skills of being suspicious of everything Jane does probably need to be pulled out of the cupboard and dusted off, buddy, because if you actually look you’re gonna start noticing some shady shit. Also, I’m super sorry about what Tasha did to you. That really sucks.

Zapata: you know I’m still not convinced that my ‘evil clone’ theory wasn’t actually correct for you. You torpedo your best friend’s relationship, sleep with him, then disappear and become a criminal mastermind?? Like I am sure there’s some good and noble reason that you are infiltrating Crawford’s company and Keaton is probably in on it too, but still. Dude. Not cool. (PS glad you didn’t get murdered)

Blake: damn, I was not expecting you to go like that, and honestly I’m a little sorry about it. But ugh, why couldn’t you have just grabbed Roman and sailed off into the sunset to be beautiful together instead of murdering both him and my ship??? Things would have worked out so much better for you. Hindsight’s a bitch like that I guess

Patterson: ugh you are the freaking cutest thing. Speaking Japanese from a guidebook when lbr you’re probably fluent in it bc you’re Patterson and you can do anything. Then having to taste the different alcohols to know which one to use? Amazing. However I am very concerned about how you were holding your hand out as if to catch the drips of the freezing solution you made, despite the fact that that very solution ate through thick metal. Although maybe even if the solution touched you it would just be cancelled out by the warmness of your heart-- bc I mean, that sounds legit to me. Also I am LOVING this little dynamic duo thing you have going with Rich. Getting in on his office pool bc it ‘builds rapport’?? Omg. This is the friendship that dreams are made of and honestly I wish the entire show was about just you two because I would love every damn second of it.

Rich: oh, my beloved. I used to write down your best lines, but that’s impossible these days because everything that comes out of your mouth is literally the best thing in the universe. The one-sided banter with Remi in the restaurant, the fluent Japanese, accidentally revealing your identity because you’re super proud of your skills at a game... all amazing. Also, this is even more proof that you are literally at genius level of intelligence. Everyone realises that about Patterson, but seems to forget it about you. And ugh what about you adorably trying to help Remi during the swordfight, not to mention  your character progression when you were like ‘we’re FBI, we don’t murder people’-- remember back when you straight up murdered someone because you thought they were FBI? Look how far my precious angel has come. Also, I feel like you are almost definitely going to be the first one to realise that Remi is REMI, not Jane. Mostly because of the genius thing, but also I think partly bc Remi’s only knowledge of you is of back when you were the kind of dude who murders FBI agents, so she’s maybe not going to have her guard up quite as much as she does with the others. We’ve already seen it happening. Anyhow I love you and your uniform of patterned shirts and loafers, and I love watching you debriefing your beloved team and running very successful office pools and helping Patterson crack tattoos and data caches like the badass duo you are. Please never ever leave me.

Weller: oh, my son. You look like a ruffled rooster and it’s equal parts adorable and embarrassing. Although I guess it kinda goes with your new puppy-dog personality... remember when you were all grim and closed off and grumpy?? Ah, the early days. I am so happy Jane makes you so happy, and so sad that you are gonna go through even more rough times very soon. But come on, buddy, you HAVE to be seeing that something is up with Jane. You’re a smart boy. And that whole ‘copying the video’ thing had to have set off alarm bells, even if she did cover it well (dang, she sneaky). Anyhow that’s about all I have to say to you bc you were basically just a love interest role in this ep, which is hilarious for the former leader of the team. Good luck, buddy. (PS get a haircut)

Remi: oh, I like you. You’re super messed up and I am so intrigued by it. The old me would have been super worried already because all I wanted was for all you guys to be happy all the time and never go through any hardships, but the show managed to cure me of that, and now I am pretty fine with watching all of you suffer. Except Patterson. Stop hurting Patterson, you bastards. Anyhow, I am really interested in seeing what you do and whether you eventually will find a middle ground between yourself and Jane. Or mostly Jane and a little bit you. Also sorry about your brother, we all miss him too. A lot. But good luck with your scheming, and try to be a little more cautious around Rich. He’s somewhat of an expert in the study of Jane Doe, and also considers her one of his best friends, so I think you’re underestimating how dangerous he is to your cover. PS, try not to kill any of them, okay?

Weitz: man, I have been waiting for WEEKS (since someone may have let something slip to me...) to see the kind of AD you would be, and you did not disappoint. I literally almost wanted to wipe down my screen each time you appeared on it, you’re that damn slimy. I love it and I can’t wait to see how else you make the team’s* lives miserable...

(*except Patterson and Rich)  

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #remember when I thought I had escaped this show #silly me #I will never not have thoughts about these guys

[mudbloodt-a]

bubble bubble toil and trouble / i heard rumors that [ lily evans ] is part of [ the order ] ! [ she ] is/are [ a cis woman ] and [ twenty ] ! they are often mistaken for [ ludovica martino ] and known to be [ assertive and overemotional ] ! i wonder if they’ll survive the war.

LINKS: pinboard, stats page CHARACTER PARALLELS:  lois lane ( dc ), jane sloan ( the bold type ), katarina stratford ( 10 things i hate about you ), leslie knope ( parks and rec ), donna pinciotti ( that 70s show ), sam ( the perks of being a wallflower ), trish walker ( jessica jones ).

HISTORY

lily is born late january, 1960, as the second child to jonathan and miranda evans, a pair of muggles who have found the perfect balance between standing out and being ordinary. she grows up running after ( and sometimes in front of ) her sister, petunia, her best friend for most of her youth. her father works as a bank teller and – like many – hates his job. her mother is a stay at home mum, who mostly spends her free time tending to the family’s garden — their pride and joy.

lily has many memories of that garden. plucking flowers for her teachers, playing hide and seek, digging through the dirt with her tiny fingers, having barbecue’s and picknicks, laughing at her father’s deep hum of a voice as he complains about customers, crying in her mother’s arms when she scuffed her knees.

so life was ordinary and happy and simple. sure, lily was able to make flowers grow with a touch of her fingers if she concentrated deeply and caused small explosions when she raged ( which was often — lily was an energetic child, but an explosive one, too ). they explained it away with laughter, and kept on living. and then there was severus, whom she met when she was nine, who explained it all.

lily was a witch, and she loved it. she didn’t quite understand it, but she loved it. her parents seemed enthusiastic enough, too, even if they didn’t start believing it until a witch showed up on their doorstep. severus was a new friend, someone who’d help her brave this new world. and petunia … petunia was withering away from her life, slowly taking steps back and back until things seemed beyond repair.

going to hogwarts was confusing, at first. when she stepped on that train, something between her and petunia was changed forever, and lily shed a few tears before she met up with severus. once arrived, she was sorted in gryffindor in a matter of seconds. honestly, i don’t know what to say about hogwarts what wasn’t stated in canon — lily was a great student?? loved learning, had natural skills, was charming, etc. she wasn’t perfect, of course — she was prone to starting debates in class, to going on tangents, cursed quickly and easily and very … creatively

what i’m trying to say is she definitely wasn’t a goody two shoes?? yes, she cared about her education, but no, she was no stickler to the rules. lily was and is a firecracker, someone with fire, and there were plenty of times when she chose to disregard rules, or to go against what was asked for her. not out of spite or just because, always for a good reason, but still. also got into plenty of fights, mostly verbal, mostly with purists, but also with plenty of other people.

lily excelled in charms and potions, specifically. was a big fan of herbology as well, and transfiguration merely bc of mcgonagall.

and then, things seemed to shift. severus called her a mudblood. he was the only person who’d been part of her life before and during hogwarts, and now she couldn’t look at him any more without feeling nauseous. tensions were rising all around her, too. lily started wearing her blood status as a badge of pride even more than before. she became unforgiving and angry and determined to see change. she worked hard in her classes and worked hard on her friendships and tried not to combust with her rage.

and she somehow fell for james potter too, what a fucking tool. both of them. ugh. such a sappy story!!! but yes. they became a thing, and i stan.

lily graduated and had no clue where to go, until it dawned on her — her voice, her anger, her need to find truth: she could use that all. screw having a particularly magical job; lily applied at up and coming news site and magazine lumos and started interning there the summer after graduation. lily as a journalist is very important to me. her whole need for truth is in all honesty the most important thing about her so excuse me as i am about to go on a RANT.

i mean, lily herself is honest. brutally so. she can’t lie, either, and barely ever sees cause to. it’s partly just nature, but also a bit of nurture, i think. her sister, for example, so caught up in her lies and her wish for perfection seems altogether untrue because of it. severus, who hid true thoughts from her. her father, who never told his customers how annoyed he truly was. so many blood purists in the world, keeping their views carefully quiet. this war is based on lies. the world wizards live in is based on lies, and lily hates it. she seeks truth, always has, always will. it’s part curiosity, part anger.

her job as a journalist allows her to seek truth. it also allows her to cover the war, to talk about it, to hold interviews and seek out sources, to think of good questions, to be critical and empathetic and clever. all things lily likes and loves and wants to do.

lily also joined the order. i mean, what other option was there to fight? her family, her friends, she herself — everyone was in danger because of this damn war. there was no bone in her body that thought about sitting still, and when she was approached about the order, she didn’t think twice before saying yes. there is no way that lily ever accept the reality these death eaters want. no way. she’ll die before she sees that happen.

where her and james are at is still something i’m discussing with liz, but they’re def happily in love! lily is about to get pregnant too and she’s going to freak

CURRENTLY & PERSONALITY

okay so i know i’ve mentioned lily’s anger a lot, and i think that’s an important thing to talk about? lily is a very feeling person. she’s compassionate and kind and empathetic. she cares about others, and does so easily. she does so deeply. and she feels deeply too, always has. she cries easily, laughs easily, rages easily. combine those two things and the fact that there’s a war going on that’s fueled by such sickening bigotry … well, of course she’s fucking angry. her anger comes from her kindness, it comes from her compassion and her warmth. her motivation isn’t her anger, per se — it’s her wish to see the world different, to see it be good, but her anger is a huge drive.

lily loves muggle shit so much. she came into the lumos office and dropped a whole lot of muggle office supplies on her desk and said: “if i cant work on paper then im walking” and they were like … dude its ok lol wtf. she’s kind of very extra abt it but in this current economy she’s so set on being PROUD of being a muggleborn and she just loves muggle stuff too — i mean, wizarding fashion is Nothing compared to mom jeans and plaid shirts??? she loves muggle music too, especially indiepop and classic rock and just everything by Cool Ladies.

was raised catholic and still practices it but in a v liberal and modern way because she has seen a lot that with the more traditional views. so yeah, her thoughts on religion and especially the way it’s practised have shifted a lot. she still prays, goes to church every now and then ( but definitely not ever sunday ) and sticks with it, even if it’s hard to cling to faith when the world looks the way it does.

cannot cook to save her life, help her

a big  fan of white wine and rose, lolol. will also drink loads of beer if the occasion calls for it. a fun drunk, but also a mama bird when drunk, holding back your hair and drying your tears.

honestly lily is slightly dramatic, full of rage and a downright good person. such a good friend, holy shit. so blunt. so extra. so loving. dances and fights through life. laughs wildly and loudly. gives great hugs. supports blanket forts, always. loves loves loves.

#brontideintro

[callmcgills]

werner ziegler 😭

! major BCS spoilers from this point on !

Werner (send me a character and I’ll list…)

thank you for giving me an excuse to dump my emotions! THAT SAID:

*sits on the sidewalk* *screams into my hands*

favorite thing about them

a huge part of me liking him is his duality between professionalism and goofiness. (“for my father, it was his achievement. a creation that will endure,” and “very good! now you use your thinking head, not your drinking head!” are lines from the same episode) i also liked how he was an architectural genius, but was downright incapable of thinking ahead when his smarts were applied to any other situation. but most importantly, i like him because he had so much heart that he was KILLED OVER IT!!! the crimes he was killed over were being friendly/proud of his work, escaping the warehouse because he’s tired and wants to be with someone he loved, and trusting someone to be honest!!!!!!! Rainer Bock also gave a great portrayal which definitely helped too

also, relevant: i went from liking Werner to being absolutely invested after he had a panic attack in Wiedersehen, and then it hard cut to him walking back into the room with a smile.

least favorite thing about them

to this day i still have to watch the pool-side scene in Winner while peaking through my fingers. partly because Werner WHY did you have to BLAB AGAIN! but mostly because, well… i’m glad Werner didn’t have to die in those clothes. i also can’t let it go unstated that Werner most likely did know he was working on something w/ criminal ties. but w/ the way Werner acted, he CLEARLY must have thought that Gus and Mike were just storing illegal fireworks or something

favorite line

“Ah, not true. He also left you, Michael. You are his legacy.” Werner doesn’t think Mike needs a grand accomplishment to be worthy of being called a legacy. he could have just said “oh, that’s a shame” about Mike’s previous line, but instead he tells Mike that he’s good enough just for existing. and that’s incredibly meaningful and sweet. (but Mike laughs, because he’s a murderer. his son’s death is on his hands. some legacy he is! and if Werner knew, he wouldn’t be saying that. then, har har har, Werner is killed by him.)

close runner up: “Now say Mittagsschläfchen,” and literally every other line in that scene. for example: “How do you say bullshit?” “Hmm, bullshit.” his dialogue with Mike was gold.

brOTP

Werner and the construction crew. They Are His Sons. the reason Werner said ‘once, maybe’ about if he wanted to have kids was because living w/ someone like Kai for 9 months was enough

if that’s too obvious an answer… Gale and Werner. “wow. i mean, it’s incredible. […] an architectural feat. herculean.” RETCON WERNER’S DEATH SO THEY CAN DRINK COFFEE TOGETHER!!!

OTP

throwback to when i said ‘wehrmantraut endgame’ to myself during Coushatta. those were simpler times.

nOTP

Werner/Kai. a very hard nOTP at that. i haven’t seen anyone ship it, but the Mere Concept is enough to squick me out. and if i’m being frank, Werner/any of the six people in his team. i can’t see Werner’s relationship w/ them as anything other than familial.

random headcanon

i’ve put a lot of thought into this, because i’m working on (more like… planning but avoiding actually writing) a construction crew-centric fic. and since i only have 1 piece of backstory info and a piece of lint to go off of for Werner, i realized i had to fill in some of the blanks! here’s a piece of what i came up with!

i think his father’s work would’ve left a negative impact on Werner. if Werner’s in his 50s, then when he was a kid his father was working on what would be The Most Important Project Of His Life, and he wasn’t able to interact w/ his family often. this would put Werner in an uncomfortable position – being upset about his father being so busy would mean he was being “ungrateful.” his father was sacrificing so much and working so hard, after all!! his attire and work methods might reflect that he’s almost replicating his father in a way. he’s almost deliberately old fashioned, even for someone his age. contrast w/ the French engineer, or even Mike, who is more adaptable to the point he notices dead pixels and what was used to create them

it can’t be good for anyone to have a parent who is constantly busy w/ their “achievement” during some of the most important years of your development. and imagine at least one of your parents being more of a legend than a family member! you’d internalize unrealistic expectations of yourself and flat out wrong ideas of what’s good enough, and you’d look at every moment in your life using that parent’s experiences as a frame of reference. you’re constantly comparing your experiences. not in a “am i as good as them?” kind of way, but in a “in terms of work, i don’t have it NEARLY as hard as they did, so i must be grateful for [X]” way. you also can’t complain about anything that’s given to you, because at least you didn’t have to aid in revolutionizing architecture and construct a new type of concrete arch

while Werner clearly said “you are his legacy” as a way to make Mike look at things more optimistically (and because he really meant it) you have to wonder what him choosing that word says about how he thinks of himself. if you are your parent’s legacy – working in their occupation, even – does that mean just the fact that you exist is good enough, or does that mean you can’t let your existence as a legacy go to waste? of course, when he said it to Mike he meant the former, but that’s not necessarily how the child of someone like his father applies that message to himself.

unpopular opinion

i’ve noticed a lot of people saying that Werner was “stupid for not realizing the severity of his situation” and thinking he’d be able to go back to work after escaping. in my opinion, Mike screwed up by not clearly defining the rules to him. his death was unfair, but even more so because he was punished for breaking the rules to a game he didn’t know he was playing. Gus is playing 4D Chess, and Werner was playing Jenga at a completely different table.

as far as Werner knew, all that mattered was that the work got done and that it got done in secrecy. after all, i don’t imagine any of his other employers would have killed him for what was just a day off. it doesn’t matter how much Werner knew about his job, your instinct isn’t to believe you are going to be murdered for leaving your workplace. not when every single job you’ve had hasn’t worked that way. and that’s where the communication problems spring from, almost every other job Mike has had did work that way, so to Mike the implications were clear and he didn’t need to clarify what “think about who you’re working for” meant.

Werner lacked the context: that Gus was playing a long con that ran deeper than just what they’re building. while Werner believed what they were building was the most important part – and thus no harm no foul in leaving for a few days because the work was going to get done – it was really the revenge and end game that mattered, which meant everyone was replaceable and expendable. especially when they blab to a Salamanca. so it’s about more than whether he knew the people he worked for were dangerous, it’s about the fact he was wrong about what the priorities were.

song i associate with them

Miles, by Mother Mother. a post-Wiedersehen song

“Miles / and miles / and miles / Before we reach the sand / Cacti / and cacti /  for miles / miles of dry land, dry land / We gonna make it / Oooh we gonna make it / We gonna take it / Oooh we gonna take it / Easy / Once we feel the sea breezeMy my my my my my my lover / My maker / My breaker / Take me by the hand / We could go walking for miles / Once we reach the sand / the sand”

favorite picture of them 

A Very Tender Photo Taken One Episode Before Disaster

bonus: an excerpt from an IM w/ kiraalexander, after they filled me in on what Werner did during the finale

#thank you so much anon!!!!! #i put a read more because im incapable of being concise #m posts #better call saul spoilers #bcs spoilers #SORRY MOBILE USERS #i need a tag for these hmmmm #pseudo meta #character meme

[kane-and-griffin]

Thanks for the PSA about Paige. I've had some fandoms in the past not respect actors and actresses while they go through something really personal and I find it extremely annoying. It's always good to remind people that our favorite actresses and actors are just human beings like us and deserve their privacy

Thanks, friend! And yes, it’s so important, especially in this case where there is a child involved; we all know that both of them are really caring parents, and this must be really difficult, and the more shit is floating around on the internet the higher the chances that their 13-year-old son and/or his friends will stumble over it.  Like I think it’s totally legit that we’re all having a lot of sad feelings about this - Paige and Jason were like a real-life OTP for a lot of people in this fandom, and we all care about Paige so much that we all hate the idea of her being unhappy - so it’s not like, you know, “NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS EVER EVER EVER” or anything like that. Just, like, keep the speculation in DMs instead of out in public where it’s searchable.  I feel like a reasonable barometer is, don’t post anything that you wouldn’t want her son’s friends to text him like “look what I saw on Twitter about your parents.”  They’re a real family going through a really hard time, and it’s not like a soap opera for our benefit.

That being said, though, I am REALLY PROUD of the Kabby fandom today because almost everyone I’ve seen has been handling this exactly right.  I haven’t seen anyone @ either of them, for the most part people are being respectful about not like flinging around wild rumors or theories, and not giving much airtime to that insulting TMZ article.  It actually makes me kind of emotional, tbh, because it’s obvious that people care about her so much but also are being really understanding about the fact that she’s a real person going through a terrible time and she doesn’t belong to us.  And I think we all know fandoms where the end result of this would have been like a blitz of hysterical tweets tagging both of them or attacking one or the other based on speculation about whose fault it was or hurling around crazy rumors and then retweeting them hundreds of times or people trying to win points with Paige by sending her a million invasive “support” tweets that mostly just serve to remind her that everyone on the internet knows her private business.  And literally none of that has happened. It’s just people quietly filling up her indirects by tagging her in stuff about her shows in order to try and drown out all the endless bot RT’s of that TMZ link. 

There are times when it’s a bummer being part of a small fandom - always being rooted against in polls when you’re up against another ship from your show, knowing you will never get Funko Pops of your OTP, constantly lamenting their lack of screen time - but times like this remind me why I love being part of the Kabby fandom and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I’m just really proud of how respectful and chill and supportive-without-being-invasive everyone is being, and I agree with you that we’ve probably all witnessed or heard total horror stories from other fandoms where everyone goes crazy.  And the Kabby fandom’s just not like that.  The Paige fans are sad that she’s sad right now, but nobody’s sending death tweets to Jason.  And like I’ve never seen Ian fans say one SINGLE negative thing about Annie, either; as a matter of fact you often see them RTing stuff about her creative projects as a show of support as well.  It’s just like a uniquely chill attitude towards our faves’ personal lives, which I suspect is partly because the average age might skew slightly older (not that there AREN’T youngs in the fandom but there might be MORE olds balancing it out) (such as I, a known 35-year-old) and partly just because like we’re a smaller ship and everyone knows everyone and it’s easier to hold people accountable and create a positive dynamic across the board in a smaller-sized group.  I have friends who are both CL and BC shippers who have said to me “can we like be adopted by the Kabby fandom as honorary members, IT’S SO MUCH MORE CHILL OVER THERE!”

Anyway, I’m just having a lot of Kabby Mom Feels right now about how well everyone has behaved themselves today; I was sort of afraid we were all going to have to spend huge chunks of the day all over twitter telling people “yo, fucking untag Paige from your tweet full of spiteful unfounded rumors,” but instead everyone is just like “this is sad, I hope she’s okay,” and that was it.  Like seriously GOOD JOB TEAM

#soccerplusgirl #From the Inbox

[sapphicvevo]

fam,,, idk what do. after 3+ long years of questioning, I think (THINK) I might finally know that I'm bi. the problemo here, my friend, is that I keep going back on my word every time I decide "oh yes this is who I Am, A Bisexual Girl". Like, every time I start feeling comfortable with the fact that I could be bi, it's like "but are you SURE??? how do you KNWO!!!!! where are your SOURCES????" especially since I've dated zero (0) people and am mostly attracted to guys. so yeah, Idk what do. help?

LMAOOOO OH ANON I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN SO MUCH!!!! I can tell you a little about my own experiences with this and my advice after if that’ll be the most helpful???

I started questioning my sexuality around 15/16 but hadn’t really comfortably called myself bisexual until a few years down the line, and I had the same exact problem. I fluctuate a lot on who I’m attracted to, because there are periods of my life where I find myself more attracted to men than women (and then I think, “GOD IM LYING ABOUT BEING BISEXUAL I’VE BEEN STRAIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME”) and there are other periods of my life where I’ll find myself more attracted to women than men (and then I do the whole, “GOD I’M LYING ABOUT BEING BISEXUAL I’M ACTUALLY A LESBIAN”) and have been doing this back and forth ever since I’ve like officially called myself bisexual. And like, if you’ve been following my blog for a while, I’m very proud to call myself bisexual and post a lot of positivity posts about it and find that this label is the one that fits me the most, but I still have those moments.

I’ve never dated anyone either! Partly because of my trauma (it takes me for fucking ever to trust a man and a lot of men aren’t willing to be patient, bc while I’m attracted to men like… yeah they’re fucking dicks majority of the time) and because most sapphic women I meet are through Tinder or here on tumblr and never in real life, and like… I’m cheesy and a secret romantic at heart who wants to meet people irl and get to know them and other dumb shit like that lol, so dating is actually really fucking hard. A lot of it is also because of a lot of internalized biphobia and about being the “perfect” bisexual and trying to find the perfect 50/50 balance with my attraction to men and women so I’m not one of those bisexuals or whatever the shit, which is like… internalized biphobia I’m still working through.

But Imma be honest like, if you feel the most comfortable with bisexuality as a label, then you can use it! No one needs to source your own label, not even yourself! There’s no ‘perfect’ bisexual. You can be bisexual and mostly attracted to men or you can be bisexual and mostly attracted to women, etc, and you’re still bisexual! You can date 90 guys and 1 girl and if you still feel like you’re bisexual then like… Welcome to the Bi™ club. 

I know labels are really important to how we define ourselves, not just as bisexuals (considering we get a lot of “I don’t care about labels!” on T.V. and shit lol) or members of the lgbt+ community but just as human beings in general, so it’s really important to not let yourself stress over this too much in the long run anyway

I hope I helped at least a little bit

#bi tag #long post / #answered #Anonymous

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.

#diary #odfidk