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ghouljams · 9 months

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Alright!! Here's the end of the first act of the Medieval AU, in which I hit poor reader with a stick multiple times and Knight!Ghost makes it better.

TW: this handles some stuff around sexual assault/sexual trauma, virginity politics, and period typical misogyny

You’ve always thought of sex as something that will be forced on you. Dreading your marriage night has become the norm for you. Even before Ghost came into your life. Though after his entrance it came to mean so much more than just an unpleasant night. It’s losing Ghost, losing the spare hope that somehow you could be his. Because you think if it was with him it might be nice. The way he touches you, the way he takes care of you, he’s kind, terribly so. He’s good to you, he’d be good to you.

Ghost presses his lips against yours, gentle pressure you instantly crave more of. He turns your head to kiss your cheek, your jaw, to press his nose against your pulse and breathe you in. His fingers in your hair direct you as he likes, and you’re more than willing to let him. Your eyes are heavy, everything wonderfully soft and ever so slightly out of focus. You run your hands over his bare shoulders, feel the firm muscle, trail them up to feel his jaw as he kisses your neck.

“You’re beautiful,” He whispers to you, his voice low in your ear. Your stomach clenches, your skin prickling with heat. Ghost’s hands are so gentle with you, exploratory as they run down your sides and up your stomach. His lips follow them over your chest, making you squirm and press into his touch.

“My lady,” He presses his words into your skin. His, you think, just his for as long as he’ll have you. No one matters like him, no one holds you like him, keeps you like him. You want him to keep you. You want to be his, greedily, you want him to be yours too. It’s not a quality you’re supposed to have. You aren’t supposed to want like this.

You aren’t supposed to dig your fingers into his shoulders, not supposed to let your legs fall open when he nudges his knee between them. “Just like that Princess,” He tells you, his voice raspy in a way that makes heat bloom over your cheeks, “spread your legs so everyone can see what a selfish little whore you are.”

Your head is jerked to look at the crowd of shadows gathered around you, their eyes so wide and watchful you don’t know how you didn’t feel them raking over your exposed skin before. You feel panic well in your chest, grabbing the sheets quickly to try and cover yourself. You scramble away from Ghost and he lets you, hardly bothered by your rapid breaths or the tears quickly gathering in your eyes.

“They already think you’re ruined,” He doesn’t sound like Ghost, voice cruel and taunting, “All because you value a knight over the only thing you’re good for.” His eyes aren’t Ghost’s, the shifting and changing shape and color, his face flickering through your previous suitors. “He won’t want you anyway once you’re sold, he doesn’t even want you now,” His hand grabs your cheeks between rough fingers and you push at his face- their many faces- you don’t like this, you don’t like this, you don’t- “Are you really so stupid as to think he’d protect you from your husband. This is your duty princess, and his is not to interfere.” Their hands push between your legs.

Your sobs shake you awake, heaving, trembling things. You scorn propriety and wail. Let the whole castle hear you, you don’t care. You’re a horrible princess, a terrible, selfish, greedy thing that hardly deserves the title. You know all of this, and yet you still sob because you want Ghost. You want your knight, you want the man that’s slowly leading you to ruin. The man that’s planted an altar of thorns around your heart and laid his kindness upon it like a lamb to slaughter. You want him to hold you and tell you it was all lies. That he wants you like you want him.

You sob, feel the fat tears roll down your cheeks and fall on your blankets. You sob, feel it scratch your throat raw, your chest barely expanding enough to compensate for the despair that rattles out of you. One of your nightly guards comes into the room to check on you and you scream at him. Force the sound out of you like a banshee until it rips your vocal cords. You hope it shreds them.

What a picture you’d make then.

What a picture you must make now.

The guard leaves in a hurry, apparently having deemed you safe from external threats, but mad enough not to stick around. It feels good to scream. You do it again, and again, curling in on yourself as you clutch your pain to your chest. The world can fall away like this, leave you to your self infliction. Who cares. It’s all bullshit anyway.

"How long has she been like this?" The voice is furious, unfamiliar. You’ve never heard anyone that mad in your life. You can barely hear the reply over your hiccuping sobs. You don’t want people in your room, you don’t want them to see you like this. Not when you feel like a child throwing a tantrum. Some part of you is still clinging to decorum even now. How well trained you are.

“Get out!” You shout, reach behind you to grab a pillow to throw blindly at the intruder.

Big warm hands grab you and pull you from your misery, wild brown eyes dart over you searching for injury. Ghost pushes your hair from your face, and you scream at him the same as you screamed at your night guard.

He’s not wearing his mask, in the back of your mind you wonder if he came here like that. He pulls you against his chest, presses your face to his shoulder to stifle your screaming. His frame curls over you, shielding you from the world you were trying to drown out. You can feel the rapid expanding and contracting of his chest, his breath quick, as he drops his head to your shoulder. You wonder if he ran here.

“I’m sorry I was late,” He tells you, and you fall apart again.

The way you shake and curl up in his arms, guarding yourself against whatever hurts you, breaks his heart. His poor love. Ghost wraps his arm more tightly around your shoulders, holds the back of your head as he turns to kiss your temple. “You’re alright,” He whispers, “I have you, you’re safe.” Your sobs feel like a full body effort. Each one wracks your chest and forces the air from your lungs. He can feel your tears soaking through his shirt. God, you- you’re safe. You’re safe.

He repeats it to himself, presses his lips to your cheek, your shoulder, keeps you held as tightly as he dares. He’d seen the maids running from your room for the court physician, and assumed the worst. Assumed you’d been screaming due to some grave injury, that he’d find you bloody, and- But these were just tears, anyone should have been able to help you through your tears. How long had you been screaming alone? How long had you been left to deal with your pain while others whispered about sedation?

Ghost feels his anger bubbling again, feels the hot licks of fury against his ribs as your sobs settle into gentle hiccups. You don’t need his anger right now, but it will come. Later. Now he does his best to keep his voice from shaking, to keep it gentle for you.

“Tell me what happened.” So that he can take his revenge on whatever hurt you.

Your breath shudders. “You let them touch me,” you sob, your hands desperate where they hold onto his shirt. Ghost’s heart stops, he feels his grip on you tighten more than wills it.

“Never,” He growls, forcing himself to look at the remaining staff in your room, “No one is coming near you.” It’s a threat, he means it as a threat. He’s never felt more dangerous than he does in this moment. Never felt more sure of his own deadly precision. At least your court lady is smart enough to usher the rest of the nervous onlookers out of the room. “Who touched you?” He watches the door shut tight, tries to keep the anger out of his voice. Who the fuck would be stupid enough to touch what was his?

“I-” You hesitate as Ghost slides his thumb against your tear stained cheek, “I want to be selfish.” Your poor hoarse voice, he’s almost willing to let you change the subject when you sound like that. Screamed yourself raw, and they all let you.

“Who touched you princess?” He asks again.

“No one,” Your voice raises and breaks without your willing it to.

“No one,” Ghost repeats, feeling his shoulders drop with relief.

“What would you do if they did?” You ask him, and he knows exactly what he’d do, “Nothing.” Ghost stills. “You’ll throw me to my wedding night the same as the rest. Give me up as is your duty and ask me to forget every time you’ve touched me. How can you ask me to forget that, when every time I touch you I ache for the next time you’ll let me close? How can you hold me like this before you throw me to the wolves?”

Blood rushes in Ghost’s ears, his breaths short as he listens to you swallow your heart. No. He’s not so noble as to give you up like that. He imagines it, how chivalrous he’ll be letting you go. But he knows. He’s not a noble man, not kind, not half as honorable as he pretends to be. He can’t leave you in anyone else’s hands. No one else can have you, no one deserves you. Not when they’ll let you scream yourself hoarse. Not when their first thought is to sedate you in your grief. No. He knows.

He’d kill your husband before he ever reached your wedding bed.

He tips your head back and kisses you. You all but melt against him, your soft lips wet with your tears, sweet and salty. And warm. You’re so warm. How could he ever delude himself into thinking he could give you up? You’re right. You slide your lips against his with a sigh, and all he can do is ache for the next gentle kiss you give him.

#cod x reader #simon ghost riley #x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #ghost mw2 #knight!ghost #princess!reader #ghost call of duty #ghost cod #medieval au #when you only hear about how awful sex is and how it's your duty to give it up #you tend to develop some complicated feelings about it #I was explaining this whole chapter to my therapist and she was like #woah and people like when you write this?#no but it's cathartic for me so I'm writing it anyway

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the-velvet-worm · 2 years

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thinking abt Vex getting back from Pandemonium and realizing she’s pregnant and just. feeling so many things because they’ve just saved the world ⎯ again ⎯ and she just lost Vax, and he would’ve been the first person she told (after Percy, of course) and he would’ve been so excited and happy for her and it would’ve given them so much to look forward to but he’s gone and there’s nothing she can do about it, she can’t tell him, her kids will never know their uncle, and it’s just a lot for someone to handle so soon after everything they all literally just went through. like how is she supposed to be take in such news when the other half of her soul is missing now? she still has Percy, her husband, her heart, but the one constant throughout her entire life is gone and she just. idk probably felt really lonely for a bit there. to have the knowledge that she was experiencing something so wonderful and joyful with the man she loves, while she’s mourning the fact that her brother won’t be a part of any of it is just... really fuckin sad, man lol

#I'm still very much in my feels abt this and I may or may not be exploring that through fic so stay tuned for that #critical role #cr1 #cr1 spoilers #critical role spoilers #vex'ahlia #vax'ildan #percy de rolo #perc'ahlia #and like yes this is something that has been explored by others through writing but let me have this okay lol #I haven't written anything i felt passionately about in a really long time and channeling my grief in a creative way is like #super cathartic for me #so I kinda just need a little bit of closure/catharsis before I can move on #and maybe it'll be an extended thing idk #but I'm just having a lot of feelings about the twins and their relationship and Vax's death and and and #anyway I hope it's a lovely Tuesday!#mine probably won't be skdjfksf

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running-in-the-dark · 5 months

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yes I've been lying in bed for three hours, listening to the same song on repeat, and yes I have written *checks* 14,000 words of the most stupid, embarrassing shit ever over the last two days, and yes I can actively feel my brain melting in my head, but I'm definitely totally fine.

#I need to keep pointing this out because it's absolutely fucking insane to me #the last time I wrote anything resembling a story of any kind was when I was like 11. before I got too self conscious and before people kept #doing shit like taking my diary and reading it.#but since then? nope. nothing. not a single word.#and now it's like. well I guess instead of sinking deeper and deeper into the same damn pattern of spending all day in bed imagining the #same scenario over and over again because I can't remember shit. I'm just. writing it down.#and it's. so fucking cathartic?? because things are actually happening??#yes it's 100% just absolutely desperate yearning and I can't reread it without wanting to break my phone #but I'm fucking doing it and I don't care how embarrassing it is (I do care so much actually oh my god it's so bad. but I'm doing it anyway)#yes I'll just delete this file the next time I'm hit by that wave of self loathing and yes if anything this is even more of a waste of time #than just thinking about it #but fuck man it feels good. also bad but. good. some of the time.#(yep this is absolutely nothing it's irrelevant it's just me doing a normal thing that people do and feeling like I'm insane. that's what #I do. 🤦 don't know how to be normal. everything is something even if it's really nothing.)#personal

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beesinspades · 6 months

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aahhh i'm floored by the reception to the last chapter of my vashwood big bang!! i'm 🥹🥹🥹 thank you to everyone who took the time to comment so far, i owe you my life!!!! i worked so hard on this story and put so much of myself in it, thank you for making me feel like it was worth it!!!

the adhd is intimidated by how many comments I have to reply to (please don't take this as a 'stop commenting' because no your words mean the absolute world to me!!! [opens my mouth and waits like a baby bird]) so it's gonna take some time but I appreciate y'all sosososo much

#beelio talks #vwbb #this is showing me once again that people want and/or are willing to read ace stories!! people need ace stories!!!#one day i'll write my roadtrip original novel about asexuality #i've got my characters i know where it starts i know where it ends i just need to plan the chapters but i can't plot to save my life #but i'll get there!!#if i had to choose a life goal then this is it #i want to write the queer book about asexuality i've always wanted to read #until then i'm happy to keep writing fics people can see themselves in or through which they can learn more about asexuality #anyway writing that fic was so cathartic for me #both on the ace side and the wolfwood side #even if i'm not entirely sex-averse

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thegobletofweasleys · 2 years

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jily week: day three

blood on my hands // sun, fun, and the ocean

Lily and James come to terms with the reality of fighting in the Order.

read on AO3

#this was my first foray back into writing after a LONG while so it's pretty short #but i like it anyway! i'm glad this pushed me back into writing it's so cathartic and fun #jily week 2022 #jily #hafsa writes #jwd3

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tenisperfection · 2 years

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My favorite thing about Black Sails is that it ticks SO many boxes I yearn for and love in media that it's a little ridiculous. I'm only six episodes into season 2 but this show already gave me bi people, men in ponytails, people in billowy shirts, dialogue I will think about for the rest of my fucking life, women I'm obsessed with, swords, queer rage, vowing to destroy England and civilization due to queer rage, polyamory, boats, the ocean, so much subtext it keeps me up at night, and it really bears repeating: the dialogue.

#kissing every writer and creator of this show on the mouth #i've heard that it's one of the best endings in tv too and is a complete story so I'm really looking forward to that #black sails #the queerness in black sails also just scratches a very specific itch in me like....it feels so personal and so intimate #and not just a little cathartic #anyway i love this show so so much #also the dialogue.......WHO writes like that

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mako-island-moon-pool · 11 months

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You want to know how bad my memory is?

I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.

I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'

'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'

#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue #Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting #Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make #Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it #I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time #And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather #So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction #Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it #Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write #Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin #In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone #I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you #Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic #Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY

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solomon-tozer · 2 years

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The last year hasn't been very kind to me, but there's something I'd like to just post about and then try and move on from (it just isn't happening yet, so maybe I need to be honest and stop swallowing my tongue).

Health and all that stuff aside, June really killed my interest in writing because someone I was friends with felt entitled to fic from me. They made a request, which I said I'd try my best to do around exams and everything else that was going on. Given that I'd not written much for a while, I tried to do a few silly warm-up requests/fic once my exams were over to try and ease back into it. They didn't take kindly to this. Their explosive reaction (and not just to this, there were other things, including them being angered by me including my own triggers in my own fic, and mentioning other people in fic notes) really, truly put me off writing. It utterly killed the joy I was rediscovering. I didn't finish the gift fic (which I had started, but wanted to get right for them, because I really did care). I didn't finish the other requests. I haven't really written much at all since then, inspite of having a lot of time now. It was just such an awful experience.

I know I'm being all 'yo guys someone was shitty and it's upset me to the point where I don't know how to love writing again' but keeping quiet for the sake of idk what isn't helping. A few trusted friends knew about this when it happened, but it's still affecting me. It's not okay to act like you're entitled to a creator's fic or art. I will do a request if I can, but if I can't... Hell, in this instance I was working on it, but just not quickly enough for this person's liking?

Anyway, I'm still trying to work out how to get round it and get back into writing again, because I miss having a creative outlet for all the ideas I have and would love to share.

#rhubarb crumbles #truly a vent post #actually kinda cathartic #bc yea this really fucking sucked this person went off at me over the tiniest things you would not even believe #including not reading their fic even though i always let people know my attention span is shot to shit lately #i'm in serious burnout yo #anyway that's that i've said my bit #we'll see if i manage to write again but looking at how much i put out in the first few months of 2022 #compared to the rest of the year... ouch #i wish i could share the silliest thing they lost their shit at me for bc it's so funny now it's surreallllll #shoutout to the friends who were my sanity check during this stuff #love you guys even if you won't see this

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lululeighsworld · 2 years

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“The healers set up a curtain around Leigh's bed because they didn’t want to cause a commotion while they were recovering. It’s isolating, and I’m sure they would appreciate a familiar face.” “I’m doubtful my presence would relieve their loneliness.” Gunter sighs, picking up his weapon by the handle and meeting his liege by the exit to the training grounds. “Then why don’t you bring them some tea? No one brews it quite like you do in Askr.”

I wrote this fan fiction for Hello, Summoners!, a Fire Emblem Heroes zine focused on summoners!

a language lesson, a face reveal, and a hot cup of tea shared over a game of chess; welcome to the start of Gunter & Leigh's dynamic!!

#gunter #fire emblem heroes #summoner oc #summoner leigh #summoner leigh/gunter #both really excited and really sentimental to finally share this piece #it was cathartic for me to write as a way to remember my uncle who unfortunately passed away #and then also a good opportunity to explore not only my summoner's role in askr but also their relationship with gunter #CUZ I'M LEGIT BAD AT WRITING A COMPREHENSIVE STORY FOR THEM #anyways please enjoy and if you read thank you so much <3 #gunter (fates)#fe heroes #my writing

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134340am · 2 years

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THE DABI FIC YOU'RE LOOKING FOR I BELIEVE IS "If he's a serial killer, whats the worse that could happen to a girl who's hurt?" BY WILLOWSER AND GOOD ITS SO GOOD IM SOBBING BECAUSE I REMEMBER GOING INSANE OVER THAT FIC!!! PLEASE PLEASE I RECOMMEND READING WILLOWSER'S TOUYA FIC CALLED " I’m melting in your eyes, like my first time that i caught fire (just stay with me, lay with me now)—" anyways sorry for going rabid on your ask box. Hope u enjoy your day! Many hugs and kisses <3

omfgggg ANON U R A LEGEND!!!! kissing u soooo hard for this because this is exactly it and i'm shaking like an overexcited chihuahua because i can't wait to read this fic again (☆▽☆) THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!

i m actually ashamed of myself bc i love willowser's stuff but i haven't read a lot of it ; o ; i'm trying to read more long fics but my attention span is very poor bfhjev fdcv AND THANK YOU FOR THE REC!!! i'm intrigued, just from the title alone!!! :O

naurrr don't apologise i'd love to hear if you have any other recs, or if you wanna ramble in my inbox about cool stuff you've read lately please do!!! ^o^ i want to hear everything!!!

many hugs and kisses to YOU, sweet anon <3

#rubbing my hands together gleefully #i need to get into the right headspace to reread this fic because of how dark it is LOL but!!! i'm excited nevertheless!!!#i actually love reading angst and crying it's so cathartic #but i'm a babie so i only ever write fluff... i need a happy ending or i'll fall ill..... u feel me #anyways thank u again anon i'm smooching u so hard for this #ask yuna #anon

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polaraffect · 2 years

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listening to Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner and just got reminded of when, back in the day, people tried to cancel Pete over the "wear me like a locket around your throat / I'll weigh you down, I'll watch you choke / you look so good in blue" lyric because they claimed it showed his violent tendencies towards women and that was. bad enough for him to be canceled entirely.

#damien.txt #it's giving.... the curtains are blue vibes #like 1) there's not. there's no gender involved in that lyric 2) it's a metaphor 3) violence is so common in poetry??#like i'm not a violent person whatsoever but a lot of the poetry i write has violent themes because it's... cathartic and a good metaphor #lmao anyways that lyric slaps i think it's so fucking good #i think all of pete's lyrics are so fucking good #also btw this isn't to say we shouldn't be analyzing bands- especially pop punk bands- for misogynistic undertones #because god knows there's a lot of it #but literally this drama with this song specifically always seemed sooo fucking contrived to me omg #fall out boy

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jamiemaybeme · 13 days

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i've realised why i'm so scared of losing my friends: an essay of sorts

(this is long btw. there's a tl;dr at the bottom if you really care lmao. also people's names have been changed to their initials, and they're in pink so you don't read them as actual words accidentally)

i think at the end of year six, sh and il moving away left a sort of gap. and i think i tried to ignore it. i kept in contact with them. i texted sh for a year. her forgetting who i was felt like the biggest betrayal ever tbh. i know she just moved on, but i develop such deep platonic connections to people. at the time, i didn't realise this. i mean, i was 12/13 years old, struggling with lockdown and my mental health, i didn't have time to figure out WHY it hurt. i just knew it did.

as the world came out of covid, i started to form relationships like this again. with js and dr, mostly.

come year nine, and i'm in a class with lf. we start to hang out more. shit happens. we don't hang out anymore. but we're still friends. my friendship with dr was brief. i liked her, but i think her ability to shit talk people just immediately threw me off. more shit happens. i don't hang out with dr anymore. lf eventually starts to hang out with us again.

year ten, and i'm in the same class as just lf. and we spend so much time together. i also am in the same dt class as aj, who starts to hang out with us as a group around january i believe?

fast forward to now (end of year eleven). it's coming up to five years since year six ended. it's been about three years since sh stopped texting me back. it's been around two and a half years since i last saw il. it's been two? maybe?? years since things started to return to 'normality'. i've accepted the loss of my primary school friends. it took nearly half a decade. but i did it.

but i don't want to do that again. i don't want to go through the pain of not seeing these people i care about and love so deeply everyday. i struggle to make new friends. i didn't used to. but ever since covid i've changed. that sounds so dramatic and kinda corny, but it's true. i don't want to lose contact with lf. i don't want to never infodump to aj again. i don't want to stop speaking to js. i've found my people, the ones i'm comfortable with. the ones who are my home. it's taken so long, and i CANNOT lose that. i don't know what to do.

i'm bad at staying in contact with people. i forget to text them back. i get scared they don't want to talk to me. i never have any time. i'm always busy. i over commit. to people. to hobbies. i'm very much an all or nothing person. and that's why losing friends hurts. but i don't WANT the moral of this to be "oh i'll get over it in time." i want the moral to be "i will make the biggest effort possible to keep in touch with these three people."

i see bears in trees and i know callum and iain met in primary school. i know callum, iain and nick have been friends since secondary school. and i want that so badly. i want to go to the same uni as my friends. i want to buy a house we can all live in together. i want SO MUCH and i can't have it all. i'm jealous of what they have. i'm jealous they managed to stay together. i don't cope well alone. and i have such a deep love for and bond with my friends that if that breaks i don't know where i'll be. i don't know what i'll do. i don't know who i am without them, to be completely honest. maybe that's a bad thing, but i don't really care. they are everything to me. just like sh was. just like il was. like dr could have been. like [my sister] is, but also not quite like that.

it's why i've asked if we can make music together. i want something that keep us connected. because if and probably when i leave [my school], what do we have? what do we have? we have nothing. nothing except a bond that i hope will hold strong against the test of time. i so badly hope it does. i don't want we don't speak anymore to be relatable. i want it to stay nothing but a fear. i need my friends.

tl;dr: i'm a little bit emotional and i'm scared of losing people i've dedicated my life to

(i exceeded (well reached) the tag limit lmao)

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carolinanadeau · 2 months

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Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability". And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

#honestly if I ever get a therapist it would be so much easier just to submit an essay like this rather than infodump it all out loud #I'm so much better in writing and it would feel less humiliating!#anyway I'm trying to say that I KNOW that this is for the therapist that I don't have and not for tumblr #but I'm glad I could put it into words and since I've been showing effects of it on here... might as well explain it on here #I would get SUCH anon hate for this post if I had a following. and if I had anon on. I can feel it #I'm actually worried about losing followers or mutuals for this just because it sounds cringe and insane #but like I can't fix my own experiences and my own mental health just because 'people are dying Kim' you know???#I would cite my source but... lol. lmao even.#also I guess I didn't do a good job finally being normal on here today did I? 0 days since our last nonsense #when I returned to tumblr this is exactly who I didn't want to be anymore #but it's also weirdly cathartic that someone who cares even a little about me might know about how I feel now. idk.#on the cycle we are 2 days post the re-triggering event lol. I did something else stupid today but nothing as stupid as THAT #it's probably been ~9 months since I was first/last exposed to the content of this Bad Thing so this setback is infuriating #my original post

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