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gabrielleconnors · 2 months

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Fey Tale

“Away old hag!” the crying farmer swung his fork threateningly at a low flying crow. Large smoky wings wafted the air louder than real, and the farmers cap was thrown with a gust of magical wind. It landed squarely in a cow pie at his feet. The crow swung high before folding in its wings to dive down at the old and tired farmer. He stabbed into the air with his pronged tool, in hopes of catching it and pinging it into the dirt. He caught only the dark blur of where feathers once were. A black unearthly trail followed the massive bird, and it led straight into his chest. Black talons gripped at his muddy overalls and pulled him forward with inhuman strength.

“You haven’t the power to sacrifice me into the dirt.” The crow cawed in a high pitch like a banshee the message was wordless and clear. The trembling farmer stumbled forward, gripping his chest. Blood spilled from the talon marks on his chest and soaked the dry soil of his land. His land turned black with the spillage and in the dark flood insects flew to evade and ants ran to escape the contamination. The farmer breathed heavily, knowing the weight of his actions now. The crow was long gone now, but the ick of its magic cursed all it once touched. He knew with a heavy heart he would survive such an event for now, but the coming days would be that of misery and sickness for all in the field. Behind him the oxen cried in loud anguish. He packed his plow and headed home, leaving the work half done.

“What have you done? You poor old man! What have you done to us?” An older woman clattered her dishes into the sink carelessly. Her face was squished in fear and anxiety. “We’re finished, finished. I am a widow!” She dried her hands on her apron frantically and circled the room looking from wall to wall at the home that had now become her cage. Her eyes were that of a canary sentenced to death in a coal mine. She was completely condemned by actions that were not her own, that was the way of her life.

“Nothing will come to you! It is me who has been marked by the witch.” The man said with skin of burnt leather and a balding head of white curls. He wasn’t dead yet, but he would let her prepare to be a widow since that was reasonably the next step.

“A widow of poor farming land, that no longer gives any food! Much, much will come to me! You just close your eyes to it!” The woman paused a moment enlightened by an idea, for she was not a God-fearing woman. A sly smile crept onto her dry cracked lips. The farmer’s eyes became wide with confusion, and he was too afraid to have hope for whatever plans she arose. “We bring gifts to the fairies.” She spoke steadily, holding her hands out to the farmer. He did not take her hands, he stared at the haggard woman and felt pity for her, and what he assumed was disillusionment. She looked down at her open empty hands and his scrunched face, and an exhausted sigh escaped her lips.

“Husband, you live another day.” Her voice was youthful. She twirled and beneath the fabric of her flowing apron the farmer swore she was the age of the day they met so long ago. She prodded to another room, and the pepper shaded braid that was once dead flat to her hunched back now bounced with life and seemed to turn a reddish brown of her youth. A trail of black smoke followed behind her, too slight for either to notice. She returned to the kitchen table with a small dark leather-bound book. Her hands and face still gripped the wrinkles that they knew well, but from the corner of the farmer’s eye he swore her smooth skin freckled face was flush with youth. She spoke quietly to the book before she set it on the table and bound it from its ribbon prison. The farmer froze in fear, a witch at his table. A witch lived amongst him silently for year. A book he had never seen, in the hands of a woman he had thought he’d known for years. Side by side they endured all hardships, and she was secretly in the hands of the devil the entire time? He couldn’t take the trembling fear gnawing into his thoughts and stood too fast. The table shoved to the side spooking the little woman at the table.

“Oh stop Herald! You knew Gran was a gardener, a cook, and a doctor.” The woman’s sharp tone was comforting and familiar. Herald, the farmer, was reminded of the decades of fighting they shared and curses they threw at each other. Both adept at always telling the truth to each other in the most heartless of ways. He sat back down at the table, obedient to the woman who had always turned out to have been right before.

“He was a doctor, yes. Then in his old age took up household tasks… but just for boredom, or to aid the family.” Herald muttered quietly.

“He was a scholar.” The wife pushed a loose strand of a bright red curl behind her ear “he spoke to plants and stars. He was a widower longer than he was married. In his death we put away childish things… but I know he has a remedy for all.” Her voice was soft and smooth, like the velvet of a young woman. Her gentle hands fingered at the tattered pages. She hummed quiet words as she read. Herald seemed to be overcome with new information, but more than any other emotion he felt excited. Hope itched at his shielded core. Sparks of heat relit the cooling coals of his old hearth, and his hand reached out for the woman he was reunited with. She smiled at him and held his large calloused and bruised hand in hers.

“Tonight, we return to the crop where it occurred, with the gifts for the fairies, and we plead our case. I will prepare the gifts. In the meantime-“The wife got up from her seat with energy, and rotated the book towards Herald. “You follow this recipe and tend to your own wounds.” She pointed down at the pages. The page was filled with notes, a witch talon drawn in the corner. All the ingredients were household. Herald gulped, was this performing witchcraft? He feared what it would mean for his soul. The woman begun to fashion a dough that he’d never seen before. She shoved whole twigs and branches into the folds, and it disappeared underneath the flesh of the yeast. Berries and nuts bursted at her strength and colored the dough into many rainbows. The whites and yellows of the flour turned to golds and oranges, berries left stains of purple and blue, and leaves of greens and reds. She squeezed this dough and out of it slithered clear liquid. Herald turned away to work on his own project, he felt a wave of reverence stir over him. This reverence was stronger than any he’d ever felt before. Uncovering his bloody shirt, he noticed the marks were turning black. He shoved shredded herbs into the holes in his chest, then coated it in honey. Just as the book had said. There was no incantation or prayer to say, so Herald decided this was medicine and not the devil’s work. He wrapped his wounds in cold cheese cloth, and it clung to him as if sealed to his skin. He brushed his hair out of his eyes with his hand once the work was done. The waves of white hair felt longer and thicker to his touch, He could see a strand of black touching his forehead. He pulled the strand away from his face to focus on it, but it was just a long white lifeless strand of hair, he pushed it back again. As he lost focus on it, he saw the strand curl up in a thick wave of black, leaving a sightless cloud of smoke in its wake.

Hours passed, and chores were left undone. Darkness crept over the kitchen, and Herald lit candles for his missus to see her work. Breakless, she worked with breads, desserts and fine milks, fabrics, bracelets, threads, and buttons, to stones, powders, and vials of plants, soot, bones, beaks, and teeth. He realized today that she had resourcefully stocked the kitchen with everything the book ever asked for. She had held onto the talon and beak of every chicken he’d killed. The teeth of every deer he hunted. She never abandoned any inedible part of their dinner, but instead stored it in jars in the dark. As if she always knew this day would come and had always prepared her apothecary of tools. When really that had just been the way her family had raised her. There was always a place for every piece of everything they brought into the kitchen. There was no such thing as trash, or waste. Some fermenting was needed to eat it again usually. Whether the plants, or animals, or the soil itself there was always somewhere for everything to go. Everything desired everything, and it took attention to detail to realize what and how things were desired.

Finally, the crescent of a moon adorned the center of the sky, and the wife and farmer set off to the scene of the crime. The light of the crescent seemed to follow their path, as if intrigued by their activity. This was an activity, after all, that was very unlike them. They always did their chores in the daylight, ate dinner, and went to sleep all while the sun was still setting. The only thing this couple had ever done in the moonlight was birth children in their youth. The black soil had bubbled and grown over time. The soil in this one area had sunken down into a depression and turned to mud. The wife walked fearlessly into the center of the depression, careful not to slip with her tower of platters in her arms. Her feet sank down into the mud, she threatened to lose her shoes in the darkness. Mud clung to the hems of her dresses and apron, but she ignored it and prepared the circle. She placed stones into the east of the circle, flowers and petals into the west, the eastern side of the south of the circle placed the candle, and the western side of the south of the circle received a bowl of clear milk. In the north she placed the breads, desserts, dolls, and other gifts she had made during the day. She was careful to place this on top of a dish that sat atop a towel. She kneeled into the mud at the center of the circle. Gran’s book was nowhere to be found, for she had carefully concealed it to safety long before the sun had set. For the darkness is prone to retrieve any lost goods and information left out to its clutches.

Guttural sounds escape the wife’s mouth, and her body ebbs and flows like a plant in the wind. Vibrations pushed and pulled her, and she responded in a way to amplify these energy waves. It was working, wind rose and fell and pushed around the circle but never entered it. Leaves and dirt swirled around creating dust devils around. The trees creaked and rose, growing taller and taller in the corner of their eyes. The wife melted down further into the dirt, as if her feet and folded legs had unfurled into many parts and grew downward deep like roots. Her moaning turned to singing, notes rose and fell, as if controlled by the wind. Her red braids untied themselves and released into the wind in jarring shapes like tree branches. It appeared to the farmer that his wife in front of him was turning into a rose bush. Panic ensued; he couldn’t lose her too. All she had tried to do was save him from his fate, that couldn’t be such a sin, but fate was something people cannot change. He reached for what was left of her skin, but all he touched were thorns. Bright red blood bubbled from his fingers and giddily jumped into the soil. The streams of blood hardened first to strings then to roots, and suddenly he too was connected to the dirt. He felt himself tunneling and growing through the soil like the very crops he plants. He became otherworldly and was no longer limited to the troubles of toiling.

A figure appeared before them, a very tall dark smoky masculine entity. Herald knew this creature but had never seen it before. A pale white face with a long-pointed snout sat in between two hunched dark shoulders of a huge wolf with bird feathers amongst his fur and skin of pebbles and soot. He stared into their eyes with deep black holes of voids and spoke to them without moving its face.

“You called.” The creature’s voice was soothing but rumbled the ground that they were buried in.

“Oh fairies, we ask for your protection and blessings. For we have been cursed.” The rose bush sang to the wolf.

“I do see the curse corrupts your soil and infects the willow to weep.” The wolf circled Herald, And Herald came to realize that he has become a tree. Heralds weeping wisps touched the tall wolfs hunching shoulders, and he felt the coolness of a rushing river in its fur.

“Chloris, will you ever return to the fae?” The wolf stopped in front of the rose bush, holding an important conversation with it. The roses shook, and Herald felt the roots of it reach out for his own roots. Herald held her roots in his own, comforting her under the soil.

“I see. I will bring this up to those who need to know. In the meantime, little changeling, I expect you won’t forget again.”

Day break came too soon, and the couple found themselves sleeping on the dry soil. The hole was gone. The two held each other for warmth, closer than they had been in years. The farmers’ injuries were gone. It was as though the witch had never been there. The farmer happily rolled in the warm soil. He was glad to have his fingers and human limbs back. He remembered the events of last night like a disappearing nightmare.

“That was not a fairy.” He whispered.

“Oh yes it was.” His wife rolled with him in the dirt happily, before getting up and dusting herself off. She was old again, wrinkly, with black and white hair in a limp short braid. Herald got up and instead of dusting himself off, he grabbed her and held her close. He rubbed his dirt all over her, and the two felt young inside. Chloris and Herald were an old couple with a fiery young love again. They brought bread and milk to that corner of their crops every week like clockwork, and Herald never had to see the wolf nor witch again.

The fairies still wait for Chloris, always waiting.

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uncertain-nerd · 6 months

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I wrote this a while ago, in the depths of burnout and a depressive episode. I am really glad that I’ve kinda come out on the other side, and decided to add thoughts from my current self.

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I used to be energetic. Wound up like a spring loaded toy, constantly running back and forth without an end in sight. I was productive, I took care of myself.

I am now slow, tired, and neglectful towards myself. The spring unwound, and I can’t find a replacement. I don’t want to find a replacement, because being wound up deprived me of my identity.

Update: ??? Weeks later

I don’t think it deprived me of my identity. I did get extremely burnt out, because I didn’t know how to rest properly and didn’t know what my boundaries were. As a result, I became extremely exhausted to the point where I could no longer keep up with anything, and doing nothing all the time also made me very depressed. I think I told myself that now I was “aware” of the depressing nature of real life, and that functioning like I used to (that is, depending on things like compulsory purchases, bad friends, extremely high standards, and social media to keep me afloat) was no longer possible with the knowledge that I’ve obtained about myself and about others. However, after many months of thinking and observing, I’ve realized multiple things:

1. I wasn’t taking care of my mind or body at all, and therefore I was experiencing negative symptoms as a direct consequence.

2. Knowing about corruption and the destructive nature of our current society doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. The point is to know about the negatives and try to do my best to create positives that may contribute to some greater overall change.

3. There is no point in escaping from reality, because then I will be allowing it to continue existing in its current nature. I will also be making my own life harder because I’m avoiding responsibilities that are impossible to avoid or remove.

4. My personality, though obscured by insecurities and abuse in the past, is something I can continue to discover and learn about as I live onwards. I can make my life better for myself by knowing myself, and then I can move on to try to make life better for other people

5. I needed to rest. Sure, I may have “wasted” some time by doing nothing and being burnt out, but brute forcing my way through burnout will only lead to more burnout. I have accepted that I am at a point in my life where I need to rest and reevaluate things, and that means I won’t be able to be mega productive, and I won’t be able to live up to my previously high expectations.

6. The truth is, I’ve been gradually lowering my expectations for a while now, but still internally reprimanding myself for “underperforming.” I needed to step back and think about what I actually want to do in life, and it isn’t anything “extraordinary” or exceptional. I just want to feel at peace, and to be surrounded by people that treat me and everyone around them with respect and kindness. I want to live an ordinary, quiet life and die with no regrets. Participating in the endless competition for power and money and game is pointless, and seldom leaves anyone feeling like they’ve actually lived. I want to have a home, and a family, and hobbies, and friends, and to meet good people. I want to be unashamed of who I am, and to live, speak, and do freely as I please.

For context, I used to be one of the “gifted kids” and wanted to go to a top 10 med school but quickly crashed and burned in college when I was met with the fact that I had no idea how to manage my time or deal with things in a healthy way. Getting out of my very negative mindset took years, and I still struggle with anxious thoughts and poor self esteem. But I feel much more grounded, more aware of how life works, and very hopeful for the future. There is more work to be done, but I finally got rid of the constant feeling of dread, loneliness, and self hatred that I felt throughout my teenage years.

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joyfulhopelox · 3 years

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Right now i don’t know if i want to kiss you or shove you off this building

Part 1 | Part 2(end)

A/N: I have no words really, just i needed to get this off my chest and i wrote it so quickly that part 2 is probably going to be out by the end of the week.

genre: fluff (x100), University! au/ College!au

Copyrights @joyfulhopelox do NOT repost or reblog

Stealing is a crime please do not steal, i do not cross post anywhere else only Tumblr

Pairing: J-Hope x reader (College!AU/ University!AU)

Word count: 4,000 words

Warnings: i'm still bad at writing fluff but here we go (i cried a lot inside whilst writing it)

There are few times in someone’s life when they would have to rush out of the house in the middle of the night. Most times, it involved an emergency of some sorts.The usual A&E rush, the cravings rush and most important of them all, the all nighter in the library rush.

You have been debating for over an hour now if you should make a dash to the library. Your exhausted body screaming at you to just curl up into a ball and sleep- or cry, whichever came first. However your consciousness, and the fact that your anxiety was at an all time high, was telling you to just suck it up and go get your books from the library. That coupled with your approaching deadline. And to be honest you knew exactly what you would end up doing. After all, your grades could not afford to take a fall. Not worse than what they’ve dropped to now. Anymore and you would flunk the year completely.

But do you really need that book? Your brain tried it’s last card on you. You could technically just stay in, bury yourself in your blankets like the Michelin man, and write your essay that way. Sighing, you rubbed your tired eyes and got up grabbing your prized pen, the one that got you through your first and second year of exams, a couple of pieces of paper just in case, and your laptop. A trek to the library it is.

The spring air was doing a good job of waking you up. The light breeze, warm enough to not make you die of cold, but cold enough to cool down your tired flushed face. The 10 minutes it took to walk from your accommodation to the library was enough for you to steel yourself against an all nighter of studying.

What you had expected when you went in was anything but a packed library with students quietly studying. The noises of scratching pens and the rhythmic click-clacking of keyboards creating a mellow background noise. Some were dozing off, and you could not blame them, but holy hell could they not have done that at home? Okay, maybe you were judging, but could anyone blame you? You were desperate for a space and by the looks of the rows of heads between the shelves, there was a slim chance you would actually get a seat somewhere. If needed, you knew you could just crouch in between the shelves near the section that housed the maps, but you did not feel like inhaling dust and sporting a cramped leg for the rest of the night.

“Oh come on! This is a big library, there must be a seat somewhere” you whispered to yourself quietly, your eyes scanning the 3rd floor of the library. Aha! There. By the will of the gods, there was a seat, a lone corner at a table that was packed to the brim. You hastily made your way before anyone could spring out of nowhere and claim it, and slammed your butt down on the seat sighing in satisfaction. You’d made it. The first task done. Proud of yourself, you opened up your laptop and pulled the document you had been writing on. The bold letters at the top stating you NEEDED to get that specific book. A harsh reminder that the second task now would be even more difficult. Hunting for a book in this mammoth of a place. But what if you lost your spot? You needed your laptop to search for the book and to be honest you did not trust your laptop to not be stolen. You groaned to yourself, once again debating whether or not you needed the book

You finally decided that the book was non-negotiable and so you quickly grabbed your pen, with the promise to yourself that you would not get lost in the maze of shelves and interesting literature. Hastily writing a ‘will be back’ note, you slammed the pen down on top of the paper and rushed out of your seat.

The library atmosphere was quiet, despite the space being full of poor students who were rushing to meet a deadline or had exams coming up soon. Perusing the shelves, taking note of names that may interest you further on in your degree or even just as personal pleasure, you basked in the quietness and the dimness of the space. You loved the library at night, sure, but not when you were in a rush to finish a paper and not when exam and deadlines season pushed everyone and their mother to cram themselves in the space like sardines. Overall though, the space was dark and quiet just as you liked it.

Finally arriving at the area that was of interest to you, you stood in front of the row of shelves, a slow grin forming on your face. It was perfect, 4 rows of untouched literature. And you had all the time in the world.

Except...you didn’t. “Fuck” you cursed to yourself. You knew you did not have the time and you promised yourself you would not do this. Looking down at your watch, you let out another curse. “Fuck”. It had taken you half an hour to get here, the digital face of your watch showing 12.30am. “Oh man, I did it again” muttering to yourself, you turned your back towards the interesting titles that were calling your name and focused on the one book you actually needed.

Only to not find it on the shelf. Just your luck. “What am i supposed to do now?” dejectedly sighing you slowly made your way back to your seat. All you could think about was the missing book on the shelf.

How were you supposed to be finishing your paper now? Suddenly the quiet and calm atmosphere became gloomy and dark, this was not going very well for you. So lost in your thought you almost walked by your spot. Stopping right on time you looked to the side only to do a double take. It was not your spot anymore, the leather jacket as well as the mop of dark hair that could be seen occupying the seat was definitely not you. You double checked the area making sure you did not stray away again and somehow landed in the wrong spot but no. That was definitely the desk you had placed your note on.

It was just missing the note and seating another person now. Today was definitely not your day. The last thing you wanted to do at this time of the night, especially when you were in a hurry to finish and hand in your paper, was to be civil. But that was your seat. You refused to slouch in between the shelves and cram a seven thousand word paper tonight. You’ve done it enough times in the past for your bum and back to already be screaming at you in protest. Taking a deep breath in, you steeled yourself and approached the seat stealer.

The closer you got, the better the view of the seat stealer. Goddamn they were handsome. At least the side profile was something to enjoy looking at, but that did not change the fact that they had stolen your seat and were comfortably spread out onto the desk casually typing away at their laptop.

To top it all off, as if the scene was not enough to taunt your nerves, they were humming quietly to the beat that you could faintly hear coming from their headphones. And if you were to admit it to yourself, which you would not, they were very good at said humming.

“Uhm...excuse me” your voice cracked, having not been used for a couple of hours. You could not afford to seem meek in front of them, cute as hell and a great hummer be damned, they would not get the satisfaction of seeing you flustered. Truth be told, you hated confrontation. It was the last thing you resorted to under normal circumstances, let alone now when you were tired and stressed. Standing up straighter you tried again, “Excuse me!”

They made no move to acknowledge you or your shadow that cast now over the desk, as if you were both one and the same. Frustrated, you let out a huff and reached out to tap their shoulder. However, as if the fates had it out for you today, the humming seat stealer also came to life, moving his head towards your outstretched hand as they went to grab for their notebook and pen. That motion combined with yours caused a painful collision for the both of you. As it had not gotten a chance to change trajectory towards their shoulder, your unprepared hand bent awkwardly as it made contact with the side of the person’s head. A loud “oh fuck” chorused from the both of you, as both parties retracted as if burnt. Had you mentioned it was not your day?

“Is there a reason why I’m being assaulted at...1am on a Tuesday in the library?”. the seat stealer asked as he turned around to face you completely. He finally had a voice as well, and it was just as nice as the humming. Scrunching your nose in annoyance, you took a deep breath in prepared to tell him off. Not only was HE the one assaulting your hand but also your well deserved seat. Only to do the stereotypical double take. The mop of hair hid a very handsome face. High cheekbones and a pointed nose, your eyes trailed further down to his long neck and toned body. “Uh…” the stranger, seat stealer muttered, his hand going to scratch awkwardly at his long neck. Your brain agreed, “Uh…” you smartly copied snapping your eyes back at the face. You had clearly been caught staring judging by the smug smirk the person had on their face. Not only that but you had managed in a few minutes to smack a total stranger and display copious amounts of intelligence whilst trying your hand at a smart rebuttal to their question.

“So, now that I have your attention. Care to tell me why you are assaulting me at 1am on a Tuesday?” The tone of voice was less alarmed, more amused now. As if he clearly found your embarrassment entertaining.

“Assault? I have not assaulted you….you seat stealer!” You furiously exclaimed only to be interrupted by an equally stressed out fellow student“, Keep it down”. Only then did you become aware of the situation you are in. Three other rows of desks near the one you were currently at, and each of them seated a student who, like you, probably either had exams or deadlines. They were sleep deprived, hungry, and probably had too much caffeine running through their blood for their own good. And they were all focused on your form. To embarrass you further, the seat stealer even had the audacity to smugly smile and whisper “yeah, shhhhh.”

Getting redder by the minute, whether in mortification at being told off by the student a few rows away from you or from increasing anger at the seat stealer, you bent down, eyes narrowed “you….you...shush, and whilst you are at it, get out of my seat, you seat stealer”. You were unsure whether your shouted whisper would sound menacing enough to convey the mixture of emotions running through your veins at the moment. The stranger’s smug smile dropped instantly, a look of confusion replacing it, “seat stealer? What is that about?”

“You stole my seat!”

“I did not. The seat was free. If you passed by it, it was free and you didn’t sit down or leave your stuff on the chair; it doesn't automatically make it yours.” The stranger shrugged carefully, studying your expressions. What he saw must have really amused him because he started snickering to himself. Getting redder by the minute your rebuttal was weak, if only you’d have thought about it beforehand.

“I only have my laptop on me! And I left a note and my precious pen on the desk! A note which you have thrown out to steal my seat.” That is when it all went downhill. “you ‘strange seat stealer’!” the snickers coming from the handsome man got even more violent, to the point of you worrying about him choking- had you not been angry at him you would have asked if he was ok. Unfortunately, you were angry and nothing he did could have solved that.

The stranger abruptly stood up, so close to your face that you could see the numerous lashes that shadowed his dark eyes, amusement still plastered onto his face. He grabbed your elbow lightly, giving you a chance to break free if needed, but you were so stunned by his actions that all you could do was question how handsome his angular face was. “You’re cute, and that was a smart, if odd, alliteration you made there” He breathed, the action making a stray strand of hair blow away from your face, “but we’re making a scene”.

“Wh-” before you could process what he’d said, he trailed his hand from your elbow to your own hand and lightly gripped it with the intention of moving you away. The sudden jolt sprung your brain back to life and you tried fruitlessly to pull your hand away from his grip. Unfortunately, your brain decided to work a bit too late, as you were already past the rows of desks and shelves of books, closer to the lift lobby on that floor. “I am not making a scene, you are making a scene. Who are you to get me away from my seat not only once, but twice?!” Your feet firmly planted on the ground and finally got the stranger to stop. “I don’t know who you are” as he made a move to talk, you interrupted “and I don’t care, I saw that seat first, left a note on it to say I was going to be back and you stole it! I need the space!”

“Why?” The stranger calmly asked. His face showed no signs of anger or frustration, and it seemed like it belonged like that, serene and peaceful. And it made you wonder if anything could ever anger this man. Sure, you did not know him but you had been yelling in his face for the past minute. His demeanour and question threw you off so much so that your brain once again hiccuped.

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean why do you NEED the space, it’s clear that you do not have a bag or any belongings for that matter.” He gave you a once over to emphasize his words, his calm eyes lingering a bit too long on your form for your anger to continue overriding the flustered mess that you had become. “I- I do!” You don’t know why you needed to prove yourself to him, but it was a valid question he’d asked. So, you showed him the arm he was not holding, that carried a laptop. Realising he was still holding onto your hand, the sudden thought made you suddenly hot and clammy and before he could do anything about it you pulled it out of his warm hold.

Trying to ignore the loss of warmth the contact brought you, you looked away flustered.

“This cannot be happening. Look, I sat down there first, I put a note down because I needed to go find a book for my essay and….oh god...it’s due in like…..five hours”. Not looking at him the entire time you explained your situation to him, frustration and anxiety taking over your anger you missed the worried look he threw at your red face and the slight movement he made with his hands as if to grab your fretting ones. Instead when you looked back at him after a couple of moments of silence, what you saw was him studying the space behind you closely. “Hey! Are you even listening?” You got over your anger and tried to explain, (not that you needed to) somewhat logically to make this person understand why you needed the seat back and all they did was ignore you.

“Have you found the book that you needed?” He turned his attention back to you, a small smile forming onto his face. You did not know whether it was the fact that he completely ignored what you had said earlier, the untimely smile he gave you, or the fact that your heart sped up at the said smile, but your anger went through the roof once again.

“No! Now excuse me whilst I go reclaim my seat. If you want to waste time out here just staring at the walls, that is your issue, some of us have problems they need to fix.” Making a move to turn around you halted, realising you were going the wrong way. Mumbling to yourself you brushed past the guy and headed for the lifts. Calling the lift you tapped your foot impatiently. You could find another seat somewhere else, and if not, you were desperate enough to finish the paper that you would risk your own bottom and sit in between shelves. It felt like an eternity until the lift arrived and as soon as you got in you pressed the button for the floor above you thinking you may have some luck there. Surveying the corridor you noticed that the guy had left, and surprisingly a twinge of disappointment made you sigh. You just wanted to continue the argument, nothing else.

Right before the doors to the lift could close though a running form made its way to the lift sliding in between the door with swift grace, almost barreling into you. It took you a moment to realise it was the seat stealer with his bags packed up and his laptop in his hands. “What are you doing?” you hissed as you noticed he cancelled your floor and pressed the tower one instead. “Making up for stealing your seat”, he casually replied as he observed the numbers in the lift change.

“By not letting me go find another seat?” you huffed, “you could have just vacated the seat earlier and it would have all been fine.”

“But it wouldn’t have given me an excuse to talk to you for longer than three seconds would it? I’m Hoseok by the way.” He turned and smiled at you, the dimples in his cheeks becoming prominent. Rendered speechless by his forwardness, you did not know how to respond. So you settled onto clearing your throat and willing the blush that was taking over the apples of your cheeks away. Not meeting his eyes and refusing to grant him with the same grace and give him your name, you chose instead to ask where he was planning to take you. His response was just as cryptic as his previous one, “you will see”.

The rest of the way had been spent in silence, you having given up on trying to argue with the seat stealer...Hoseok. You repeated the name in your head multiple times, it suited him. For a brief second you wondered how it would sound if you said it out loud, but you squashed that thought away very quickly. You weren’t friends or even acquaintances so there was no reason for you to do so.

Whilst your brain was running a hundred miles an hour, throughout this time Hoseok took the time to observe you. Undeniably pretty, a smile made its way onto his face as he watched the different faces that you were pulling clearly lost deep in thought. You are cute. He knew that your argument couldn’t even be called as such. To his defense, the seat he had occupied had nothing on it. It was only when he ran back to gather his things and rush back to you that he noticed the note and the pen that were lying on the floor near the foot of the desk. In his haste he had grabbed both of them hoping that if his plan did not work he would have another excuse to approach you at some point. Now, those two items were weighing down in his pocket. Your name, which you had not freely given to him but it was written on the note, burnt into his mind. Maybe he did not need them after all. He would give you your pen back of course, but he would keep the note. It would be good memorabilia in the future.

The lift came to a halt and the doors opened .This time Hoseok did not even hesitate to grab your hand and lead you to your destination as he was afraid you would run away from him. Your heart thumping again at the gesture you let yourself be led by him too astonished to say anything. Who was this human being and why was he so friendly after you’d argued for the good part of an hour. Before you could panic about the time you had lost, Hoseok stopped abruptly.

‘We’re here’ he motioned with his free hand. The one that did not occupy yours.

Realising so you tried to inconspicuously free your hand from his, the astonishment at his behaviour quickly turned into amazement at the choice of space he was presenting you with. You were not a fan of the tower as heights were a bit of a stretch for you but the cosy alcove with window seats and the view of the night time sky it provided were enough to make you forget that. “Woah, how did you find this place?”’ You mumbled and quickly went to the window observing the lights of the city behind you. For how late it was, the scenery down below was surprisingly animated. Not getting a response you turned around thinking he had abandoned you there. What you were not expecting was the bashful look he was giving you whilst rubbing the back of his neck. “Uhm, by mistake really, I just happened to wander here one day and yeah...thought it was quiet enough and...well, I needed to make up for the fact that you did not have a seat in the end and you said you needed to finish your paper and…yeah’

Him reminding you of the paper that was now due in less than three hours made you jump in panic. Without thinking you threw your laptop onto the little table space that the alcove offered and sat down. Typing your password you opened the document you were working on. Whilst waiting for it to load you hesitated, bit your lip and looked up.

“Are you not going to sit down? I assume you also have work to do since you are here?” Without looking, you motioned to the seat directly across from you. This could end up being the best decision of your life or your worst... but you came to the conclusion you wouldn’t know unless you took a chance. Hearing him shift his feet and the feel of his knees close to yours as he sat down was enough to make you blush again. Here it goes, now or never.

‘I’m Y/N by the way’ you looked up in time to see him smile.

‘I know’

#jhope x reader #jhope x you #jhope x y/n #bts jhope #kpop scenarios #bts scenarios #i lowkey wrote this whilst not having slept for a week so i'm sorry #bts x you #bts x reader scenario

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jadekitty777 · 3 years

Text

On Your Six, Chapter 3

Day 3: Parenting for @taiqrowweek

Rating: T for this chapter, M for overall

Words: 5k

Summary: Qrow was what most of society would call a small-town criminal. But to those oppressed, he hoped only to be a healer. In an effort to make a change in the world, he moves from kingdom to kingdom, searching for branded omegas in need. His goal? To turn the derogatory words the reformatories forced them to bear on their skin into works of art.

Then one day, his past catches up to him in the form of Taiyang, his former best friend, with a brand of his own stained onto his skin and a plea for help in his eyes. Qrow has no choice but to answer, even if it means he’d have to face his mistakes once and for all.

[An ABO-style universe in a modern-day style Remnant. No Grimm, because people are the real monsters in this one]

Ao3 Link: On Your Mind

Early on in his career, Qrow had come to value the strength in listening.

He knew for every omega who walked through his door, he was a step in their healing process. It didn’t matter at what point in that process he was treading into; everyone came needing something. A sense of control. A desire to feel beautiful again. A need to shake off shame. No matter what it was, every reason was understandable and downright defensible.

But he knew his deed didn’t always end at the tip of a needle. Sometimes it wasn’t what was on their skin, but what was in their minds that weighed the most. Those were his talkers. The ones who felt so hurt or overcome by what had happened to them, they had to tell their story to someone.

So Qrow listened. He listened to the Mistrialian baker who tried to escape his abusive relationship by drugging his alpha one night and escaping into the night as the word Disloyal was overwrote. Erased Rebel as he was enraptured by the Rights Activist from Mantle who handed out self-funded newspapers all dedicated to lining out the inequalities among the dynamics. Nearly cried with the elderly Valian spinster who had been trafficked from her home in Vacuo decades ago to became the fourth wife of a rich proprietor as he made sure Owned could never be seen again.

Now today, he was turning the word SLUT into art as Tai recounted the love story that dared him to engage in one of society’s most taboo acts.

“So there I was, dragging my feet out of the ER at 2 AM, feeling like the worst parent in history as Yang bawls in my arms. I was so distressed, I couldn’t even remember where I’d parked and just started going through the rows.” They were sitting today. Tai cross-legged on his bed and staring out the window while Qrow sat behind him. “That’s when Summer called to me. She remembered I was one of the patients just going in as she got off her shift. She asked me what was going on and I told her how the doctor who’d seen us kicked me out for wasting his time over some diaper rash. And you know what she did?” A smile uplifted his tone. “She looked between me and Yang and said, ‘No parent spends five hours in the ER over nothing.’ Then she took my arm and led me back inside. Snapped at the staff to give her a room and saw to Yang herself. I couldn’t believe it. She’d just come off of a twelve-hour shift. She had to of been exhausted. But that was the kind of woman she was. When she saw someone who needed help, she put everything else aside to do it.”

A hiss breathed through the other’s teeth as Qrow lined over the base of the T, tailing the ends to look more like the trunk of a tree. “Were you right?” He prompted, hoping to distract him.

“Yeah. Yeast infection.” Tai puffed up proudly. “Nothing a bit of prescription cream and some TLC couldn’t fix, but it still felt so validating to be told my worries weren’t just in my head. It was the first time since Raven left that I felt I really could do this on my own.” That uplift was back, overlayed with fondness. “But, it was Summer who reminded me that just because I can, doesn’t mean I had to.”

He moved his pen higher, maple leaves beginning to bloom along his back. “How’d it happen?”

“Well, so, they called me in a few days after that night for a check-up. When I got there, I found out Summer had arranged things to make sure she was the doctor attending us. She had told me at the time it was just normal for her to touch base with anyone who came through ER that she had looked after. That it made her happy to see her patients doing well.” He barked out a laugh. “She was such a liar! She didn’t tell me this until later, but apparently the only reason she did it was because she thought I was cute and wanted to see me again.”

Tch, what a brat. Qrow scoffed, doggedly ignoring the had he been in her position, he absolutely would have done the same.

“We started talking and joking around. One thing led to another and suddenly she was asking me out for coffee! I was so shocked I almost fell out of my chair. But… I said yes. And, it was the best decision of my life.”

He couldn’t do this. He jerked back and turned off the pen before the shaking in his hand ruined his work. “Sorry. Hand’s cramping up. Can we take a break?”

Oblivious as ever, the omega gave him one of those stupidly bright smiles that he hated because it made his heart do weird things. “Sure.” As they slid off the bed and Tai took the opportunity to stretch, he asked, “How about tea?”

“Yeah, I’ll go put on the pot.” Qrow didn’t even get two steps before a hand clapped down on his shoulder.

“Nope. You’re resting.”

“But-”

“Relax. I got this.”

Then Tai wandered right into his kitchen like he owned the place, leaving him with no choice but to throw up his arms and take a seat. Qrow watched him go through the motions, turning to fill the kettle. From this distance, the word that had once been etched into his skin was completely unreadable, overtaken by a mismatch of new marks in various states of healing.

A perfect reflection of the man who bore them.

Regret dropped like a stone in his stomach, feeling sick as the omega took care of him over a lie. He lowered his head and took his punishment in the form of a simple question, “So when did you two get serious?”

“Hm? Oh, you mean Sums and I?”

“No, I meant you and me.” Qrow snarked, because he hated himself.

Tai set the pot on the stove, the burner sparking to life. “I knew we had a forever connection the day you offered to eat all the yellow Starburst from the bag and leave all the good flavors for me.”

Well now he was resentful and insulted. “Yellow is the good flavor.”

“Mmhmm, keep telling yourself that.” He started tearing open a pair of tea packets, dropping one each in the mugs. “Anyways, promise not to judge me too much?”

“For what, your love life or your weird issues with Starburst?”

“Qrow!”

He held up hand as a peace offering, leaning back. “Okay, okay. I promise.”

Tai eyed him suspiciously for several seconds before finally saying, “We bonded four months in.”

“FOU-” He cut himself off and took a breath. He seemed to have to do this a lot more lately. “I mean, that’s not so bad.”

“Good save.” Sarcasm dripped from his tone. “Look, I thought I was going too fast too. But when I would sit down and think of my future, I just could see her in it. Summer was a piece of me I didn’t even know I was missing. And when I found out she felt the same about me we decided, fuck it! Who cares about what everyone else is going to say? We knew we wanted each other.”

On display as he was, Qrow’s gaze fell to the spot on Tai’s neck where the two scars lay. The imperfect ovals were layered atop one another right in the juncture of his shoulder and collarbone, cutting through his scent gland. Similar to a snake’s fangs, alpha incisors had a hollow part, allowing them to release a bit of their musk during the bite which would then inject itself into an omega’s glands and permanently alter their scent.

Staking a claim.

Granted, with the tattoo he couldn’t smell even a hint of either Raven or Summer any longer. But back then, he could imagine how pungent it had been. Even if the new smell wasn’t a dead giveaway, the pinker shade of the fresher one was a big neon sign that drew the eye. There wouldn’t be any hiding it, even if the couple had tried.

Which meant they absolutely became the gossip of every corner on the street. Summer being well off and Tai being abandoned and annulled didn’t help matters in the slightest. He already knew what people would have thought, well before the brand was ever made.

He frowned. “Even knowing you’d get the worst of it?”

“Tch. Tell me something else that’s new.” Tai snipped, rolling his eyes. “You know, I could have been a perfect little omega. Quiet. Thoughtless. Unopinionated. Or I could have also spent the rest of my life as a part of the Single’s Forever Club. Risen Yang alone and never looked at another Alpha again. And you know what? People would still have shit to say about me. That’s what happens when society’s rigged against you.” He smacked his hand down on the counter. “When does my happiness matter?”

That stone still in his stomach was only getting heavier. “Sorry.”

The fire burnt out as quickly as it was there, and Tai only shook his head, mumbling, “Forget it. It’s whatever right?”

“It’s not. It’s fucking wrong.” He said with more fury than he meant to.

Tai’s smile was tired and defeated. “If only more people thought like you.”

The kettle whistle blew, effectively ending their conversation. It wasn’t long before Tai was taking his seat across from him, their mugs steaming on the table before them. Idly, Qrow traced the rim of his with his index finger, trying to think of something to say.

His focus shifted when a hand was suddenly being held out before him, clearly asking for something. “Uh?”

“Give me your hand.” Tai demanded.

His brain moved sluggishly, but when he understood what the other was offering, his face went redder than his eyes. “I, uh, need to drink my tea?”

“You’ve got a left one for that. Come on already.”

“It’s fine. It’s not that-” Any argument he had slipped away when he tried pulling his hand further away, only for the omega to reach over and snag it.

The simple touch was like electricity zinging through his muscles, leaving him helpless to resist as Tai laid his arm across the table. “You’re such a big baby.” He teased as he rolled up the cuff of Qrow’s shirt, pressing the pads of his fingers along the length of his forearm.

When the massage started, Qrow absolutely melted. While he hadn’t been entirely honest, it would still be true to say that he was probably working his way into an early case of carpal tunnel with how much tension built from his shoulder down to his wrist during his work. He sighed, slumping over the table as the other made his way up past his elbow. “I hate you.” He mumbled, face pillowed in his other arm.

“Yeah, I’m the worst.” Tai replied cheerily.

Gods, if only that were true, then maybe he wouldn’t love him as much as he did.

“I wish you could have met her.” Tai told him a little after sundown.

Qrow hummed questioningly, not pulling his eyes up from the midribs he was painstakingly adding onto every leaf. He felt like he was performing some sort of a balancing act, sitting on the edge of the recliner so he was close enough to draw while also trying to keep out of the beam of his scroll light pointed at them from his nightstand, since the weak 40 watt overhead just wasn’t bright enough to work with. There was a reason he never tattooed after dark.

“Summer.” Tai clarified, reminding him exactly why they were an hour behind. “You woulda liked her.”

He almost laughed at how inane that statement was. “Doubt that.”

“Really! She was sweet and a little shy. A bit of a rebel too. And I mean, she moved to Vale ‘cause she knew she could help more people in need for cheaper than the high end hospitals she could have worked in would charge.” He glanced over his shoulder as Qrow re-inked. “You gotta let that Atlesian stigma go, man.”

There really was no good way to answer that, so he didn’t bother trying. Gods only knew what Tai would have thought of him, if he found out the real reason they never would of gotten along was because Qrow didn’t believe he’d be able to resist his instincts a second time around. The ones that screamed at him to show Tai he was the more worthwhile mate, even if that meant delving things into a fistfight.

“I guess it doesn’t matter now.” The omega said when he caught on that he wasn’t going to get a response. “At least you’ll have a chance to meet Ruby. I warn you though, you’re totally going to fall in love. She’s got so much energy to her, like you wouldn’t believe. She giggles so much too, it’s the cutest little sound. And-! And…”

Pausing, Qrow flipped off the pen. “Tai?”

“S-Sorry.” He rubbed a hand over his face, clearing his throat loudly. “It just, hurts. Not knowing how they’re doing.” His voice broke. “I miss them.”

Not sure what else to do, he silently pressed his forehead against the base of Tai’s neck, mindful of his back as he wound an arm across his middle in a loose hug.

Knew, without a doubt, that it wasn’t nearly enough.

A year ago, when Qrow was working outside of Mantle for a spell, a client he’d never forget walked through his door. He was unusually broad-shouldered and buff, just like Tai. Yet, it wasn’t his physical attributes that truly made him stand out. It was the omega’s confidence. He had a stride to him that exuded self-assurance and a stance that yielded pride.

It threw him completely off his game, as he was used to playing the role of consoler. Yet, as the omega held out his hand to shake, Qrow found himself wanting to compete against him. “You’re Harbinger. It’s a pleasure. I’ve heard a lot.”

“Only good things, I hope.” He replied, his grip firm and unyielding. “And you are?”

“Clover Ebi.” That name rang a bell, but he couldn’t place why. “And they were. You did a rebrand for a buddy of mine who lives over in the orange district. I was hoping you could do the same for mine.”

That brought some air to his sails as he found himself on more comfortable ground. “Yeah, ‘course I can. Why don’t you take a seat and I can get a gander at what I’m working with?”

“That’s the thing…” For the first time since he walked in, some of that boldness faltered. “If I show you, I need you to promise me not to freak out.”

Well, now he was really intrigued. “Come on. It can’t be that bad. Wait – it’s not on like, your ass cheek or something right?”

“You’re as crude as Robyn warned me you’d be.”

Qrow perked up at the name, remembering her as the outspoken journalist he’d looked after during his first stint in Mantle.

Clover placed a hand over his left bicep. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. It’s under this.”

“Okay then, what’s the proble- Oh, shit.”

His heart rate jumped from resting to cardiac arrest in record time at the sight of the brand – not a harsh word like so many others had been forced to bear, but a simple, cursive script of the man’s own last name. The mark of someone who was in service of the Atlas military.

Which meant he was probably being set up right now.

“Fuck!” Qrow stumbled backwards, looking around wildly for a weapon. An exit. Anything.

“Hey, it’s okay!” Clover followed after him, albeit at a slower pace. “Come on, you said you wouldn’t freak out.”

He picked up an umbrella, holding it en garde like his sister used to with her katana. “We’re way past that, buddy. So, what is this? A trap? Are a bunch more of you about to bust through my wall to take me in?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Will you just – put the umbrella down!”

He came within striking distance – so Qrow struck. A fast swipe at his face.

Clover didn’t even look as his hand shot up to catch it. With strength he wasn’t even trying to hide, he yanked the makeshift weapon right out of Qrow’s grip and tossed it over his shoulder. He caught the fist that came next, boxing him into the corner so that he didn’t have room to move. It was an oddly uncomfortable feeling, being pinned down and powerless.

But while the hold was solid it wasn’t tight, nor was Clover’s face aggressive. “Can you calm down, please? I didn’t come here to turn you in. I came here because I want your help.”

“Why?” He barked back. “You chose to take that mark. Feeling regretful now soldier boy?”

The omega’s expression shifted darkly. “The only thing I chose was to fight for my kingdom, because I believe in protecting the people. This mark is something I have to bear, if I want to pursue that goal.”

His hands slid off, giving Qrow some breathing space. As he stared at the other, suddenly it came to him. “Wait. Ebi. I knew I recognized your name. You made headlines recently. You’re the captain of Tin Jimmy’s specialty squad.”

It had been a huge sensation, an omega taking a leadership position like that. It was practically unheard of and people talked it up like it was a sign of the ‘changing times.’ But he had brushed it off as another one of the kingdom’s typical publicity stunts. They always had something or the other going on to turn the people’s heads – because if everyone was looking at Atlas, no one would see anything else.

“I don’t get it. Why?” His brow furrowed, trying to make sense of it.

“Because I represent something larger than just a captain of a team. I represent hope. The worst thing for us is when no one’s talking. And I sure got them talking.”

That made sense. Nothing changed if no one was having the conversation. Still… “Rebranding could get you decommissioned. Negative PR be damned.”

“Well, as they say: Sometimes you got to risk it all for a dream.” Clover said with a quirk of his lips. “So, will you help me?”

It was one of the most needlessly reckless decisions he had ever made, but he did. In two, relatively short sessions, they were done. He slept with one eye open every day in-between, but when they finished and Clover was instead urging him to keep his contact info (“Just in case you ever get in trouble.”), Qrow felt oddly at ease. Like maybe he truly did make a friend in all this.

He never questioned why the case never hit the news – but if he left Mantle a little quicker than normal, well, that was his business.

Now, as he hit dial on that old contact, he could only pray Clover at least was going to keep this part of his word.

He picked up after the second ring. “Hello?”

“Hey soldier boy.” Qrow started, trying to sound casual. “It’s Harbinger.”

A beat. Then, “Oh. Oh! Uh, two seconds okay?” There was a muffled bit of a noise and a faint, “I’ll be right back. Gotta take this.” A bit more shuffling and background noise as Qrow assumed he left the room, then Clover’s voice was back in his ear, surprisingly frantic. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry, it’s not an emergency call.” He replied.

The omega let out a sigh of relief. It felt oddly nice to be worried about. “Oh thank Gods. So then, what’s up?”

“I was hoping you might be able to help me with something.” Qrow said, unconsciously pacing around his box-in-the-wall apartment. “Might be a longshot but, you got any connection with OPS?”

The OPS, or Omega Protection Services, were a kingdom-to-kingdom association that talked big about how they were dedicated to the proper care of the omega brethren in need. While in some veins of their work that was true, like funding lobbies for better rights in the system or providing financial support to those in trouble, it was equally true that under the table the organizations were fed big money from the reformatories to turn over a revolving door of clientele.

The biggest contributor of which was the Crisis Department. It was no secret that a death of a bond mate was devastating to an omega and there was a small percentage of those who became non-functional after the loss. Therefore, any omega known to have recently lost their mate was visited by an OPS agent. If the agent found the omega to be in such an extreme state, it was customary that the widow would be sent away for rehabilitation and any children would be rehomed either with known family or into a foster family until the parent was well enough to care for them again.

The key words being a small percentage. However, according to statistics, almost a quarter of all widowed omegas were in need of ‘reformation’. A percentage that went up or down depending on what kingdom was involved. Vale, their home country, was the only one underperforming on those numbers. By all accounts, Tai never should have gone to a reformatory at all.

The issue was the OPS agent assigned to the omega was from their alpha’s home kingdom. Which meant the agent that knocked on Tai’s door was from Atlas, the kingdom boosting the highest reformatory count by almost double any other one. They also had one of the strictest policies on how they rehomed children. Rather than even consider familial connections, they fostered all of them, claiming it would provide a more stable environment without the potential of an omega in probation from seeking them out and ‘influencing’ their young one’s minds before they were fully well.

All this to say it was almost impossible to know where Tai’s kids were unless he could talk to someone on the inside.

“I know someone who works out of there.” Clover said, before prying almost teasingly. “Why? Who are you looking for?”

Qrow realized too late that he probably should have expected this. “Don’t get any ideas!” He squawked. “I’m… trying to get some info on my niece. Nieces, actually. Just wanting to make sure they’re doing alright.”

“Oh.” Just like that, Clover was all business again. “Yeah, I can swing that. Just gonna need their names and ages, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find them. The names of their sires helps too.”

A sense of relief spread through him. “Yeah I can get that to you. I’ll message it.”

“Perfect! Should have something for you in a few days, okay?”

“Thank you Clover.”

“Anytime.”

It was only after the call ended and he’d written out the requested information, that it hit Qrow.

If he disclosed all this, it really wouldn’t be much further of a stretch for Clover to locate his own information alongside it. All these years on the lam potentially wasted in one single text message.

He flopped onto his bed with a groan, mussing a hand through his hair as the weight of the decision nettled him. Yet, as his thumb moved over to erase everything, his gaze unconsciously fell to his nightstand, where the pages of Tai’s designs were still resting. Thought of all the pain his friend still had to go to finish them, coupled with all he bore before this. Wouldn’t just a day of solace be worth it?

His thumb moved back up.

Sometimes you just had to risk it all, right?

Qrow hit send.

Tai smelt his anxiety the moment he walked through the door.

“Everything alright?” He asked, looking about the room as if he expected to find a portion of it on fire.

“Yeah, yeah.” Qrow assured, doing a very bad job of actually appearing alright as he fidgeted with his necklace. “I just have something I wanted to show you. Come here.”

“O…kay?”

Tai followed him over to his bed, sitting down beside him. It was more comfortable than the stiff plastic of the mismatched dining chairs at least, but now Qrow was also realizing it was painfully intimate. As he sat there, fighting the urge to just shove his scroll into the other hands, he realized maybe he should have planned this better. “So, I know this guy from Atlas, right? Someone on the higher end who has a lot of connections. And well, I asked if he might be able to check in on your daughters.”

“What?!” The omega gripped onto his arm, a sort of manic desperation dancing in his eyes. “Qrow, are you serious?”

He nodded, plucking his scroll off the nightstand and swiping over to his photo album. “Yeah and he was able to get me this from their file.” He handed the device over, seeing the way Tai eyes went wide. The photo was reportedly back from January, taken on some sort of outing the family had been on. The two girls were sitting in a sandbox, Yang pushing sand into a yellow bucket with her hands while Ruby watched her, biting on the end of the shovel that her sister probably should have been using.

“They’re with a beta family. An older couple whose kids have already left the house.” Qrow rambled as his friend just continued to stare at his children. “It’s a real nice place. Both the girls have their own rooms and there’s a backyard for them and everything. And the expense reports are showing their getting a nice, balanced diet and toys and even some learning, uh, things. Books and flashcards and all that fancy shit. And, well, uh – T-Tai?”

Tears dripped from the man’s chin, hitting the display of the scroll. “Yang’s in pigtails.”

“What?”

Tai lifted his head, eyes swimming. “I couldn’t get her to let me brush her hair most days, let alone put it in pigtails.”

“Tai…”

The omega brought the device to his chest, as if it was a suitable replacement for the children he’d rather hug. “And look at how big Ruby is now. She’s sitting up all on her own now. Probably walking.” He sobbed, a wretched, terrible noise that burst from something aching to his very core. “What else have I missed? Ruby has to be talking now. I didn’t even get to hear her first word. And Yang’s old enough to be in kindergarten – I should have been there to take her to her first day. But I wasn’t! I wasn’t there for any of it!”

Something in Qrow’s own heart shattered listening to the father’s anguish and he surged forward, gathering Tai up. Pulled him into a tight embrace as if it could protect him from all the hurt he had to bear.

“It’s not fair.” Tai cried into his shoulder. “It was awful enough, losing Summer. But then those OPS bastards came into my house, took one look at my marks and said I was unfit to raise my own kids! I felt so humiliated.” He clenched onto fistfuls of Qrow’s shirt, shaking hard enough he might just fall apart. “It’ll be almost two years by the time they give them back to me. They took those years away from me and I’m never getting them back!” He heaved over another sob. “What if they don’t even remember me Qrow?”

He ran his fingers soothingly through the other’s hair. “No one could forget you Tai. Not with that big, stupid, sunny smile a’yours. Those girls’ll take one look at it and go ‘there’s daddy!’. I just know it.”

It earned him a watery laugh that only delved into more tears. If he could have, Qrow would have torn up all of Atlas to find those pups and bring them back to Tai right then and there. As it was, there was little else he could do but hold him through it.

When the cries eventually turned to sniffles, Tai pulled away to wipe at his face. He looked a mess, eyes bloodshot and blotchy and red. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to lose it on you like that.”

“Think I should be the one saying sorry.” He cast a guilty glance to his scroll, which had fallen onto the bed at some point. “I just thought – I don’t know what I thought. Maybe I wasn’t.”

“Oh, no! Qrow.” Tai pat his knee reassuringly. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much it means to me to see them. To know you did all this for me.” He cast his gaze away, sighing. “It’s just, some days I feel like I’m drowning. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of my girls. Worry about them. But if I’m too emotional, suddenly I’m ‘too unstable’. So, I’ve been trying so hard to hold it together.”

Qrow’s jaw clenched. Becoming a professional arsonist was sounding better and better every day. “You don’t have to, not with me.”

“Heh. Even if I cry every day?”

“Cry every hour, if you need to.” He made an aborted gesture towards Tai’s hand. Touched his forearm instead. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you. Alright?”

Tai had no such inhibitions, his other hand laying down over Qrow’s, squeezing gently. “Thank you. I know I haven’t said it nearly enough, but I really do appreciate everything you’ve done. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these past few weeks without you.”

“You would have.” He said, doubtless. Tai was strong inside and out. He’d always admired that about him. “But, I’m glad I can help.”

Anything was worth bringing that smile to his face.

As if on cue, one stretched across Tai’s lips as he said, “I’ll pay you back one day, promise.”

One day, maybe Qrow would tell him he already had.

#qrow branwen #taiyang xiao long #Taiqrow #taiqrowweek #rwby #fanfiction #Chase Firekitten's Tale

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candyshua · 4 years

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It’s a Long Way Home | Chapter 4

Pairing: Joshua x Minghao x Reader

Synopsis: It was dark, and then it was light. You’re finally lucid. After 15 years of not being conscious, you wake up in a desolate and post-apocalyptic earth where infected flesh-eating beings roam the streets. Soon enveloped into a mysterious group of survivors, you consistently wonder who they are. But most importantly, who are you?

Genre: Heavy angst, some fluff here and there

Warnings: Gore, bad language, physical & verbal abuse

Word Count: 2.6k

Throughout the time period of a few weeks, you drifted in and out of consciousness hazily. Joshua and Minghao checked up on you daily, along with Cleo, Margo, Junhui, and of course Seungkwan. You were high on morphine for the majority of the first week, the second week you slept most of the time. The third week is when you started to slowly get better, recuperating with baby steps. The fourth week is when you were again coherent, and most of your bruises and wounds had healed. Of course, there would be some scars that never faded.

Throughout your hazy isolated rendezvous, you had dreamed of many things. You were convinced some of the dreams were memories, but you couldn't remember them. All you could process is that there was a doctor whom you were terrified of.

Now on the fifth week, you decided to contribute to Fort Lockwood. You had gained everyone's trust (even Junhui's) much to your surprise. Today, you were to go back to your assigned house, where you'd live with Cleo and Margo. They welcomed you warmly, for which you were eternally grateful. Everyday, you'd help out just about everywhere, until working with Seungkwan is where you realized you were much more useful than you thought.

Many important bits of knowledge came to your head while helping out various patients, until you realized that you were very educated on the topic of medicine. You knew how to address a wound, what medication to give them, yet you were still frustrated. Where had you learned this?

One night, while walking back from a shift at the community "hospital", Joshua had approached you. You walked in each other's silence quite comfortably, until he broke it. "Are you okay?" He asked, and you knew he wasn't asking about your injuries, or your recent experiences with Seungcheol, he was just asking you if you were comfortable.

"Slowly, memories are coming back to me. I don't know if I'm okay, but I don't think I am." You admitted, the two of you walking down the sidewalk. You reached his house, and he made the notion for you to come in, and you did so quietly. Junhui was passed out on the couch, so the two of you sneaked quietly up stairs. You arrived in his room, which was next to Minghao's (his door was closed which did not surprise you in the slightest). His room was quite plain, the beige walls and king sized bed were the main parts of it. There was a plain wooden dresser, and the floor itself was a tan rug. His curtains were closed (it was a rule to do so at night when a lamp was turned on), but you had a feeling it'd be closed anyway. What grabbed your attention was a picture on his nightstand. It was a framed, old photo, with him and what looked like his mother in front of the Statue of Liberty. You picked up the frame without thinking, while Joshua closed the door. He looked over to you and you smiled shyly, and he didn't know why he smiled so easily around you, but he just did.

You two sat on the floor of his room, legs crossed while you held one of his pillows. He admired the way you leaned on the pillow you head, your cheek squished against the soft material. "Can I tell you a secret?" You questioned, positioning yourself to a more upright pose. Joshua merely nodded. "I-I'm not okay. But no one is, because everybody has lost somebody, but I just lost myself." You admitted, Joshua's intent gaze on you the whole time.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He said, and you nodded just like he did. "I'm really fucking scared, Y/N. I don't know how exactly I became the leader of this place, and I don't know what to do with it. I just want to keep the human race alive for as long as possible. But it's hard when people are trying to kill you, and it's even harder when you kill them. I've done a lot of fucked up shit, but everybody has. Everybody. I'm just afraid that this is it for us - humans - I'm afraid that there will be no more future generations to clean up the mess that was created. I'm just so scared." Joshua rambled, his brown eyes sad and intent while his soft voice said all the words that made him more likable. You looked up into his eyes, those beautiful brown orbs swimming with many unreadable emotions. You swallowed.

"I'm scared too. I'm getting to know myself, all while comprehending the fact that I killed people when I could've solved it differently, but I killed them." You said, eyes distant and empty.

"We have all killed. Even the kids here have, it's what you do to stay alive. The first person I killed was my mother." He said, those words hanging in the air. You sucked in a sharp breath, letting him continue.

"She was bitten. I shot her before she could turn. This was about six months in, and a part of me still isn't over it. It's a miracle that I've survived three whole years in this mess, but I stayed alive for her. So her death wouldn't be another meaningless end to a sad unlucky life." He explained.

"You've managed to stay a good person throughout all of this. I think that's why you're the leader of this place," You began abruptly, "because you're genuine. Your intentions aren't malicious, you aren't power hungry nor evil. You're a good human being, and that's why you're still alive. It may seem like the evil people rule this world now, or those infected things, but if you manage to stay a good person you're stronger than other those other evil bastards. You're strong, Josh."

He gave you a small but authentic smile, and you returned it shyly. You were glad that you came across a person like Joshua throughout this horrendous confusing life, because with him you felt a little less lost. "I should get going." You muttered, standing up. But Josh reached up to your wrist and held it, looking up at you with hooded, tired eyes.

"Stay." He almost pleaded, so you sat down next to him immediately. You wanted to stay anyway.

You didn't realize how long you two had been talking until it started to get a little lighter outside. You told Joshua everything that you could remember, from waking up in the city to your experiences with Seungcheol. You talked about your memories, showed him your scar, and tried to figure out what your memories meant with him. But in between those heavy topics, lighthearted ones bloomed peacefully. You'd share the occasional giggle with him, along with playful banter. It felt like you had known Josh for years, and he felt the same. His heart felt light when talking to you, which was quite odd. Even when talking to his best friends, the stress of responsibility weighed him down. But when talking with you, he forgot all of his troubles in the world. His undivided attention was focused on you, and you only.

"Have we been talking for that long?" You giggled, and he nodded with a light frown on his face. You heard the door of Minghao's room creak open, to which you looked at Joshua confusedly.

"He gets up at dawn, and goes and works out in our gym." Joshua explained, and you nodded. "If you want to sleep, go ahead. I don't get much sleep anyway, so this won't affect me much."

"I don't get much sleep either, to be quite honest." You admitted, so you walked downstairs with Josh and started making breakfast with him. "What are the plans for today?" You asked while Joshua was frying eggs.

"Since you're kind of weak from all of your injuries, Minghao is going to train you today, since he just wants you back in shape. When you finish eating, head over there ASAP."

"'ASAP?'" You questioned.

"As soon as possible." Joshua chuckled, and you nodded innocently.

To be quite honest, you needed to get back in shape. You became soft after five weeks of doing absolutely nothing, and softies didn't survive in this world. "Hey Minghao." You greeted, walking into their "gym" casually. It was merely the basement of their "hospital" with punching bags, various equipment, and some mats.

"Mhm." The preoccupied Minghao responded. He was sprinting on a treadmill, his harsh eyes completely focused on the task at hand.

"It's Y/N. I'm here for 'training'." You further explained, which caused him to realize that it was you, and then turn off the treadmill.

"Hi."

"Hey! How are-"

"I'm so sorry." Minghao interrupted, which only made you chuckle lightly.

"I know, and I forgive you. We've been over this many times." You responded, with a warm grin plastered on your face.

"I'm such a pussy. I shouldn't have ran, it was selfish of me. I only ran because I needed to get more people so we could come and save you, Y/N. I would never run solely to save myself-"

"I know." You sarcastically said, already exhausted.

Within 15 minutes of your training session, you were burnt out. But, Minghao was merciless. He pushed you until you physically couldn't move, and the moment you could you were back on your feet.

You worked on your fighting, your stamina, and your overall strength. You lifted weights, ran for what felt like hours, swung at the punching bags mercilessly, and now it was time to face off with him. "Please go easy." You huffed.

Minghao couldn't help but find you incredibly cute. Whenever he trained, he became serious, strict, and quite mean. You were no exception, but your cuteness definitely challenged him. "No." He spat, and you rolled your eyes.

To be fair, you held up a good fight. It took Minghao a good fifteen minutes to pin you to the ground, and even then you still fought. You struggled underneath his tight grip, his legs sprawled across you so you couldn't kick him. "Ughhh!" You groaned, which resulted in a slight smirk on Minghao's end.

He lied next to you on the mat you just fought on, breathing slightly quicker than usual. He was barely fazed, unlike you, you were a glistening sweaty mess whose breathing could not slow down. Suddenly, a pang reverberated through your head. You closed your eyes, knowing what exactly was about to happen.

"You need to learn all of these things, Y/N, so you can survive when you're down there." Your father explained while you were hunched over, hands on your knees.

"I know, Dad. I'll try harder." You promised, and the both of you knew that your promises were sacred. You continued to fight with your father, until you managed to flip him over when he attacked you. He landed with a loud thud, but he showed no sign of pain.

"Good job, Y/N!" He encouraged, and you wore a genuine smile after succeeding. Smiling was a rare occasion, so your dad savored the moment. He savored every moment with you, because you were the most important thing to him. He loved you, and he made sure you knew that while you still could.

You were sixteen, and at that age you were a desperate and curious soul. You would indulge in books about medicine, human anatomy, and much more. Learning is what kept you sane, along with your dad.

"One more round, Y/N." Your father demanded, and you nodded and got back up. He loved you so much, and you would never remember how much he did.

"Oh my god." You said breathlessly, holding your head in a hunched over position. Minghao's worried face was actually quite cute, and he held you trying to calm you down. Each time you remembered something, the pain was less severe. "Minghao...I think I know why I can fight. My father taught me." You mumbled, while Minghao furrowed his eyebrows.

"What?"

"My father. He trained me how to fight, so I could survive while I'm 'down there'." You explained.

"What?"

"My exact thought." You responded. Was "down there" here? Why was earth down? Where were you at that time?

"Y/N, your memories will come back slowly. But eventually, all of your questions will be answered." Minghao said with an insightful tinge to it. A few moments of comfortable silence passed until Minghao spoke up again. "Y/N," He began, "why'd you tell me to run? Why did you save me, instead of yourself?"

"Because, people need you. You're important. I'm not." You muttered, shrugging casually. You soon felt his hands on your shoulders, long, calloused fingers and a large palm. He forced you to face him, his brown eyes boring into your irises, while he clenched his jaw tightly.

"You're important to me." He stated, his words leaving a thick tension in the air. "Don't ever pull shit like that again, I was worried sick about you."

"But you barely knew me." You argued, which was quite true.

"People who go out of their way to save my life are automatically important to me. You have saved me twice now, and I owe you just about everything. I'm sorry if I'm a jerk at times, it's just who I am, but don't ever doubt your importance."

His gaze was intense, and you - a naturally dominant person - felt vulnerable under his dominant eyes.

"Minghao," You muttered, "who are you?"

He sighed. He knew he owed it to you, you had to know who exactly he was. You deserved to know the horrible things he had done, because he knew that you enjoyed his company, but usually nobody ever does once they find out the truth.

You had learned that his parents were Chinese immigrants, so he was fluent in the language. You had also learned he had a girlfriend he was engaged to when the outbreak began, and he watched her turn because he was too scared to save her. "I just stood there, frozen, as the love of my life died right in front of me." Is what he had said specifically.

He also told you about what that had turned him into. After the death of his girlfriend, he became a monster. He killed survivors, stole their supplies, and continued to live on his own.

That was until one night, when Joshua, Junhui, and Seungkwan weren't important figures but mere struggling survivors, came across Minghao in a house on Lockwood Street. He had begged for them to kill him, because he was horrible, he was a monster, worse than the infected. He was a fucking monster.

But they refused. And slowly, Minghao unwound his past to them, thinking he was horrible. But he changed, and slowly he got over the love of his life, and he built Fort Lockwood with them, and two women they met along the way.

He expected you to hate him, and spit on him like you did with Seungcheol. Instead, you hugged him. "I'm glad I saved you." You whispered in his ears, the soft echoes of your voice making the hairs on his neck stand up straight.

"When you're lost, you let yourself go. You lose all sense of who you are, and I never exactly had one in the first place. But if it weren't for you and your group, who knows what would've happened? You don't need my forgiveness, nor your victims' forgiveness as well. You need your own, Hao." You stated sagely, giving him a spontaneous new nickname.

He was taken aback by how wise your words were, and how much he needed them. You were completely right, and it surprised Minghao to no end. Instead of dwelling over your words, he got back up.

"We need to continue training," He said, but he did that for selfish reasons. He needed you to get back in shape, so that you could protect yourself again. He needed you to survive.

He just needed you.

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renpark-blog2 · 4 years

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Staying Sane in the Quarantine

A One-off blog post by Ren

As we may all be painfully aware of, different parts of our country have been under varying levels of quarantine due to the unfortunate and current pandemic that is ravaging the rest of the Globe. And strangely, as the quarantine progressed, there has been a topic that’s been popping up more and more, and it seems that more people are talking about it than ever before, whereas people used to play it off as something minor that wouldn’t affect our day to day life to being part of our daily struggle just to survive, maybe since they finally get to experience for themselves, they finally managed to gain enough empathy to understand people going through it.

I am of course talking about our mental health, which despite what anyone tells you, is just, if not more important than Physical health according to professional health experts. It seems that since the quarantine was initiated and our freedoms became limited, as well as other… more special problems… mental health deterioration has become somewhat of a secondary epidemic tied closely with the current pandemic we’re feeling right now.

Our mental health plays a big part of our life, you could even say how good your mental health is dictates how good your day will be today or even tomorrow, it’s an essential part of life that’s almost impossible to control, yet somehow it controls you in almost every way imaginable. At first, it may seem a bit fun to be forced to stay at home, you can do whatever you want, you can do things whenever you please, since you’re not going anywhere anyways, but there’s just so much you can do when you’re stuck at home, it gets to a point where everything becomes overly repetitive and you start feeling like you’re wasting your life away instead of being productive with your life and getting somewhere, it becomes quite overloading and over time you just run out of energy and motivation to do anything. It can be quite a vicious cycle, one that’s hard to deal with, and much harder to end.

I’ve been going through something similar this lockdown, especially with everything going on both personally, and publicly. The world is such a stressful place to be in right now, especially with all the ongoing events and the responses to them. Everything feels like it’s out of control and it makes me feel even worse that there’s nothing I can do about it.

I am aware that a lot of us are going through the same thing, I want to help in any possible way that I could. So here are some ways I have used to cope with and improve my deteriorating mental health, I hope that this manages to help you, but if it doesn’t, please don’t hesitate to contact a mental health care professional.

1.) Temporarily disconnecting from the world

I know that it may seem irresponsible to suggest this, but an effective coping mechanism is to disconnect yourself from the outside world for a while. Trying to stay away from the news, away from social media, away from anything that keeps on bringing back the negative emotions that you want to get rid of. Staying informed is important, but being too informed makes you start questioning things that you would not want to question, it can get quite dangerous.

I’m fully aware that some of us are fighting for something, and we think that if we rest even for a little bit we are going to lose this battle. But do not fear such thing, remember that you are just as important as the thing that you’re fighting for, give yourself a break for a short while, fighting for something can become extremely and dangerously emotionally taxing in the long run. Remember that this is not just your fight but our fight, take some time to recover, let other people handle the situation first, remember that you’re not alone in this. Don’t forget that a soldier well rested is more effective than an exhausted one.

2.) Giving yourself time to breathe

Society expects us to be constantly on the move 24/7, we’re not allowed to rest, we merely exist in order to be productive. Don’t forget that you’re human too, and you need to take breaks every once and again, you aren’t some kind of super soldier that does not have the concept of being burnt out or being tired. Some standards of modern society are impossible to achieve, and you just have to accept it, although you should never stop doing your best in anything, but you still need to remember to allow yourself to breathe every now and again, don’t kill yourself from working and tiring yourself out.

Remember that you don’t exist just to keep on working, let yourself rest, let yourself breathe, always being productive will make you less productive. Overexerting can strain you both physically and mentally, it can take a heavy toll on you, and may even affect your overall productivity. So please, remember to breathe, remember to let some fresh air get into your lungs before you keep going in this tunnel of never-ending smoke.

3.) Letting yourself do things that you want to do once in awhile

A lot of people will say otherwise, but it’s good to let yourself have fun once in a while, sometimes ignoring your responsibilities for awhile can actually be good for you. We are not machines, we have the need for recreation, which is just as important as our need for shelter and food, but recreation should also be taken in moderation, too much recreation would cause you to abandon your responsibilities, which would be even more devastating. Remember to let yourself have fun but have just the correct amount of fun to not go crazy, especially in these trying times.

If you think that there is no time for fun and that you have to keep working on a constant basis, please remember that this could contribute greatly to you burning out. Having fun is important if you want to keep on working too, too much of something will become bad in the long run, and the same goes for work, enjoyment and recreation is here to counteract that, so don’t be afraid of letting yourself do what you want every once in a awhile. But like everything good with life, remember to do everything in moderation, as I cannot stress enough, too much of something will just make you worse off that where you started.

4.) Managing your time and your workload

This one should be the easiest to explain but one of the hardest to do. It’s important to manage your time and your workload, as to make sure that you don’t get overwhelmed and regain a semblance of control in your life. It’s extremely difficult to do because there’s not one answer on how you should be managing your time, because people have different ways of being able to cope with different levels of workload. But there is one thing that I have realized myself that helps with easing the workload, and that is not being too hard on yourself.

Being strict on yourself only makes you feel worse, especially when you don’t reach your deadlines, which happens more often that we would like to admit. It gives a feeling of the loss of control, of not being good enough, it’s a feeling that we all know and quite abhor. Give yourself a deadline, but be more flexible with yourself, treat yourself with the same amount of strictness as that of a parent who wants their child to grow up well, and not like as if you are your own supervisor.

5.) Taking a break from everything for awhile

Every once in a while, you get the feeling where even recreation isn’t enough to fulfill you anymore. That is a sign that you need to take a break from almost everything, the time you have to do so will depend on how you feel. Sometimes it’s not so bad to let yourself go, you don’t have to be busy all the time, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. Think of it in the way of letting your wounds heal over time.

There’s nothing wrong with doing nothing, so do not be ashamed of doing something if it’s for the sake of getting better. Catch up on your sleep, play games, do whatever doesn’t cause you any type of emotional stress. Let yourself go, remove that baggage even if it’s just for a short time, you can come back stronger, you can come back better.

6.) Taking back control of your life

This is something that is much easier said than done. But you should start taking steps to take back control of your life, taking matters into your own hands and giving yourself a feeling of being able to do things, that you are able to get over your problems. Of course, there is not one way of doing this, there are different problems for different people, but you should take time to learn about your problems, and eventually you will learn to deal with them, and take back control. Make sure not to deal with large problems first, make sure to start small, as small problems can eventually get big, especially when left unchecked.

7.) Helping and getting help

This one is especially important, and something a lot of people tend to take for granted. Getting help from people, professional or not, is important for preventing your mental health from degrading. Just the fact that there is more than one person dealing with the problem makes it easier to handle and to solve. As two brains is better than one, as they say. But not all problems need to be solved, just the idea that someone is willing to listen to you and share your pain should be enough to lift at least a little bit of weight off of your shoulders. Make sure that you seek help when you can, this will help you much more than you think it will.

The other way is also important. Helping others can give you a sense of being needed by someone, it will give you a small pocket of relief and help you realize your worth. Even if you aren’t able to help yourself, never forget to lend a helping hand to those who need it, and make sure to do it only if you’re able to, as you would not want to risk making the situation worse than it already is.

Those are some ways I learned to cope and to improve my mental health ever so slightly. I hope that this was able to help in any way. I know that this would not be of help to everyone, but even if it helps someone who desperately needs it, even if it’s just one person, then this long wall of text would have served its purpose. 😊

If you still feel terrible, remember to go to a professional, they would probably know a lot more than I would. Or even a friend if you cannot afford to do so. Just remember that you shouldn’t do things alone, let yourself be helped, even if it’s a little bit.

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kadobeclothing · 4 years

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HubSpot Marketers Give 6 Tips for Fighting Burnout

Although the beginning of a new year can be filled with excitement and positive change, it also can be challenging or mentally exhausting to work on a number of intense projects with high expectations.

Even when you’re successfully executing on hard work, a busy lifestyle can still weigh on you, even if you love your job or company. When this happens, you can run into one of the most dreaded mental conditions: burnout.

Burnout is so common that the World Health Organization now classifies it as a legitimate health condition. According to the WHO, burnout is a mental health “phenomenon” characterized by “feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and reduced professional efficacy.” This condition especially impacts millennials. A 2018 Gallup study found that 30% feel like they’re in a constant state of burnout at work, while 70% say they feel burnout at least sometimes. While burnout is common, it isn’t just isolated to people who dislike their jobs. In fact, a Journal of Personality study reports that being passionate about your job can cause you to take on too many tasks, or become obsessive about your work. In turn, this can cause eventual burnout. To help you combat bouts of stress, low motivation, or exhaustion, I talked to six HubSpot employees to learn how they fend off feelings of burnout. 1. Acknowledge that burnout exists. If you work in a fast-paced career or a competitive field, it can feel like you’re headed directly towards burnout at certain times. Rather than fearing it or denying that it’s happening to you, it can be helpful to admit that you’re only human, you might run into crazy amounts of stress, and it might hinder your energy and motivation. Once you admit that burnout is a solid possibility in your own work life, you can start to take steps towards avoiding it or maintaining a work-life balance. These steps could involve planning out vacations regularly, scheduling non-work hours, or trying stress-relief activities such as meditation. According to Maggie Butler, a senior marketing ops manager, the best way to pull yourself out of burnout is to recognize those feelings when they emerge. Then, take preventative measures. “I think it’s impossible to avoid burning out at work, especially if you are passionate and give a lot of energy and time to your career,” says Butler. “So why not plan for it? Planning to take time off from work and do whatever recharges you is key to keeping burnout at bay.” 2. Create a “Smile File.” When you’re tasked with a tough project or feel like work is piling up, it can be helpful to motivate yourself by reflecting on the accomplishments you’ve made in your role so far. This has proven to be beneficial to Lisa Edwards, a product marketing manager who logs many of her pleasant work moments in one folder — which she aptly calls her “Smile File.” “I’ve been keeping a Smile File in my two years at HubSpot. Anytime someone says thank you, compliments my work, or says something funny, I take a screenshot and put it away in this folder,” says Edwards. Here’s an example of a message that Edwards screenshotted and saved in her Smile File after a presentation:

“When I get really stressed about work or bummed about not totally nailing a project, I flip through the folder and it always makes me smile and feel better,” Edwards explains. “In moments of imposter syndrome, it’s especially great to flip back and see compliments from people and remind myself that I’m indeed good at my job.” Aside from compliment and achievement-related screenshots, Edwards says the folder is also “full silly things that my awesome coworkers say, too.” 3. Use the Pomodoro Technique to ensure that you take breaks. The Pomodoro Technique is a productivity strategy where you schedule spans of time into work time and break time. The idea behind the technique is that taking regular small breaks and one larger break each day will keep you more productive. However, Matt Eonta, a senior manager of project management in our creative department, says the Pomodoro Technique can also be a useful way to avoid immediate work stress or feelings of burnout. “I found myself being much less productive working from home than I was at the office, and so I decided to adopt the Pomodoro Technique. It’s been a huge help to my productivity, and it’s helped me avoid burning out because it’s designed to be prolonged periods of deep focus work, followed by short breaks to recharge and reset your mind,” Eonta explains. “Setting an actual timer is super helpful here, and when I “earn” my long break, I try to go outside and throw balls to my dog or something,” Eonta adds. “Also, knowing I have a break coming will keep me out of unproductive rabbit holes like Instagram and text messaging until they’re allotted a short window.” “Overall though, it’s nice to get up from my desk at the end of the day and realize I was able to move around a bit throughout the day, rather than seeing six to seven hours fly by without having taken a break for anything,” Eonta shares. 4. Switch out screentime for relaxing activities. Aside from preventing mental burnout, you should also take steps to prevent physical fatigue that can make burnout more apparent. When your body is tired, sore, or drained, this may play a role in you feeling mentally drained. While Eonta says he goes outside and plays with his dog on breaks, he also aims to prevent eye strain that can add to feelings of exhaustion. “My eye doctor told me that every 20 minutes, I should try to focus on an object 20 feet away and focus on it for 20 seconds. It helps keep my eyes from burning out from constant fluorescent light and blue light computer screens.” Eonta explains. Lucy Reddan, a senior manager in our growth and email marketing department, similarly shared that she rests her eyes and tries other relaxation activities instead. “Sometimes there can be intense periods of work, and your hours working are longer than normal. To cope with burnout, because it can sometimes be hard to avoid, recently I’ve started to limit screen time in the evenings after work,” says Reddan. “Turn on some music, lie on the floor and do some nice slow stretching. The music takes my mind off thinking about all the jobs to be done, and it always feels great to get your body moving.” 5. Try yoga and meditation. Yoga allows you to release endorphins by working out, while also priming your mind for examination. The combination of yoga and meditation can help you relax after a long day, but these activities can also make you feel more productive. “I didn’t realize I was burnt out until I started taking up yoga,” says Krystal Wu, a social media community manager. “Yoga along with meditation has helped me physically and mentally to just do something that betters myself,” Wu shares. “It became clear that it was the perfect balance to help me recover from burnout in my day to day life and have more peace of mind.” 6. Take time off when you need it. If you love working or worry that you’ll fall behind, taking time off can be especially hard to do. However, it can be key to relaxation, resetting your mind, and gaining a solid work-life balance. “I was one of those people who would rarely take any time off because ‘there are some many things to be done,'” says Irina Nica, a community and influencer relations manager. “Even when I did, I still let some work slip into my day, even if that meant only checking my emails. I’d be lying if I said this way of being constantly connected didn’t pay off at all, but overall, I was quite tired most of the time.” Nica explains, “I was probably close to burning out on a number of occasions. Fortunately, over time, I’ve changed my views on vacationing and it’s been great for my productivity.” “I learned to disconnect in the evenings and during weekends,” Nica adds. “Now, aside from the regular summer and winter holidays, I take a long weekend trip every now and then. That helps me relax and refreshes my perspective.” Maintaining a Happy Work Life While you can take the above steps to prevent burnout in your job or daily life, you can also take steps to ensure that your work life is keeping you happy and healthy. Happiness at work is not only fulfilling, but experts say it can also make you more productive and effective as an employee. To learn more about the advantages of happiness at work, check out this blog post. If you’re a manager who wants to ensure employee happiness, you might also enjoy this great guide to keeping your employees happy.

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source https://www.kadobeclothing.store/hubspot-marketers-give-6-tips-for-fighting-burnout/

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swordarkeereon · 5 years

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2019 Affirmations - Goals

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions. As a matter of fact, the last resolution I ever made (many years ago) was to never make another New Year’s Resolution, and it was the only resolution I’ve ever been able to keep.

Resolutions tend to set some folks up for failure, and admittedly, I’m one of those people.

Instead, I set goals and I make affirmations.

2019 is going to be my year of JOY.

Somewhere along the way, in the past few years, I became perpetually busy and forgot to enjoy myself along the way. I found myself living from event to event, not looking forward to anything, just anticipating everything being over with. That’s no way to live. It’s exhausting and frustrating and it results in… you guessed it — BURNOUT.

I literally said YES to so many opportunities and volunteer jobs that I became exhausted and burnt out. It was mid-2018 when I realized I finally needed to do something about it because I couldn’t keep moving forward feeling like everything in life, even the fun stuff, was an obligation where I just needed to “get it over with.” Mind you I’d been in this place for over a year before I finally figured it out.

My key problems were:

I was taking on way more than I could handle, thinking I could handle it. And while I was able to handle it all, I dreaded every minute of it and was an anxious, stressed out mess. Everything had to be PERFECT and when something went wrong, I would obssess on what went wrong and not all the things that went well.

I forgot to enjoy myself. A lot of what I was doing were things I’ve enjoyed emmensely for years, but suddenly they became these lifeless, painstaking tasks.

I no longer looked forward to anything.

I was spending so much time volunteering my time to helping others and organizations, that my writing productivity just wasn’t there. I wasn’t working on MY GREAT WORK, I was too busy doing other things and socializing with my tribe. While socializing with the tribe is fun, educational, and a wonderful experience overall – when all you’re doing is socializing, guess what isn’t getting done? Yep. That’s right. Very little writing.

I needed to make some serious changes. Here is my rather extensive list of do’s and don’ts for 2019.

I WILL BE SETTING TEACHING LIMITS TO 2 Major Classes (Potentially only 1)1 Minor Class for Temple Only

I WILL NOT BE DOING ANY 30 DAY CHALLENGES OR WORKSHOPS (minus existing commitments) IN 2019 – While these are highly educational for readers, they add an extra layer of stress to an already tight schedule.

I WILL BE LIMITING MY INVOLVEMENT IN GROUPS, just because I find myself minding other people’s business more than my own when I get overly involved. I really need to mind my own business this year, quite literally.

I WILL BE LIMITING MY VOLUNTEER TIME to specific events and prior commitments. For example, I can commit to Novelrama and specific events for my temple. I cannot commit to all the things. Just a select few.

I WILL BE LIMITING BOOKSELLING AND WRITING EVENTS. I have been going gangbusters on writing events the past three to four years. So beyond the writing retreat in March and the Comic-Con, I am taking this year off from Colorado Gold, and other bookish events. This also means I won’t be accepting any nominations for recognition or accolades if it requires me to attend additional events. I need some rest and recovery and I need to give myself that. Not to mention the events take away from my writing time, which I sorely need.

I HAVE HIRED OUT MY SOCIAL MEDIA AND RETAINED MY PA. That means my PA will start answering PMs and Email for me (unless it’s a close friend or business related) and my Social Media will be dealt with as scheduled, freeing up more time. I want to concentrate on writing, editing for friends, family, and my home this year. I have a sick cat that needs daily meds, I need my daily yoga practice, and this could finally be the year THE GREAT OFFICE PURGE is finally complete. Remember I got sidetracked on that back in 2016 and never really got back to it.

I AM RECOMMITTING TO MY OFFICE HOURS and going to work hard to stick to them. Email that only I can answer will be answered in the afternoons between 3-4PM. My PA answers email once a week, and will be scheduling readings.

I AM COMMITTING TO MORE FAMILY AND RECREATION TIME

I AM COMMITTING TO NURTURING MY INNER ARTIST

I AM COMMITTING TO GET MORE SLEEP. I’ve spent a lot of years running on 6 hours of sleep a night, but I have some sleep goals – 8 hours a night at least 4 days a week. Ultimately I’d like to get 8 full hours nightly. We’ll see.

MAGICKAL PRACTICE GOALS – I am currently quite pleased with my existing daily magickal and spiritual practices and will be retaining those as well. Some modifications will happen, like adding some qigong and breathing exercises to my meditation, but nothing drastic. If anything, I’d like to increase my dedicated temple time by 4 hours a week (from the current 8 hours to 12 hours)

THE PUBLISHING SCHEDULE IS FLUID – While I have goals of what I’d LIKE to get done, I am NOT going to beat myself up if it doesn’t get done. I want my creative process to be a joyful experience, not something I don’t look forward to every day (due to too many distractions and administrative to-dos).

MY FIRST PRIORITY WITH MY WRITING IS WRITING and I will write something EVERY DAY. Even if it’s just a paragraph. I started this in December to kind of get myself into the habit. So far it’s working well. I don’t always succeed, but then I don’t always need to. Some days are still more productive than others, and that’s okay.

IT’S OKAY TO TAKE A DAY OFF AND DO NOTHING. This is the one thing I need to remind myself of. Being a workaholic means feeling guilty if you’re not constantly doing something. I’m tired of being a workaholic. I’m tired of being constantly busy.

IT’S OKAY TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE WAIT (ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE NOT GETTING PAID). I have a bad habit of being a people pleaser and putting others ahead of myself and even my family. That is not a healthy habit at all! My family puts up with it only because they love me. 🙂 I realize this is a problem and have decided to do something about it.

I AM GOING LIGHT ON INTERVIEWS/PODCASTS/WEBCAST invitations from others. I’ll do a few, but they will be sporadic.

I AM LIMITING PUBLISHING COMMITMENTS ON PROJECTS FOR OTHER PUBLISHERS.

I AM CUTTING DOWN ON THE NUMBER OF DARKERWOOD PUBLISHING AUTHORS by eliminating the existing anthologies. I just don’t have the manpower or time to manage the administrative paperwork the anthologies generated. Cutting things I’m no longer passionate about gives me more time to make time for the things that bring me joy.

Yes – it’s a pretty big list and I’m sure I’ll modify or add to it as I go. I’m sure I’ll slip up and do stupid things. I’m still learning how to best cultivate my joy and get my head back in the game. I’m proud of my plan, my goals, and my quest to reignite my joy.

What is your keyword for the year and how do you plan on making it come true for you?

#Joy #Overinvolvement #overwork

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beachesandbrows · 7 years

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I have spent the last 5 days in Sicily with 15 fellow Erasmus students and my God, what can I say?

We landed in Palermo bright and early on Friday morning after a sleepless night. We got a shuttle bus into the city and made our way towards our apartment in the city centre. There were 9 of us staying together and the apartment was quite big but we did have some issues with plumbing and a broken bed! Regardless of this we just unpacked and got on with the day. We had some cocktails in a bar on Via Vittorio Emmanuele and then strolled towards the port for some lunch.

Naturally being by the sea the main dish was fish, and as we scanned the menu we saw them bringing in freshly caught fish and mussels by the bucket load. However I DO NOT LIKE FISH and so I was a little limited in potential dishes but I settled on a Spaghetti Carbonara and was not disappointed. After this we went in search of a beach. We walked for almost an hour through a fairly dodgy area of the city but to our dismay all we found was a stony and quite dirty beach. Unfortunately there are no beaches suited to swimming in the city of Palermo which we learned the hard way. We got a tram back into the city centre and went for a well needed nap. One thing I find on holidays is that even if I do nothing, I am always still so tired! When we woke, we went in search of some food and drink. We spent that night in our apartment just chatting and having a few drinks as we were all so tired after what felt like the longest day ever.

The next morning we woke up and got ready to go to the real beach. The beach was called Mondello beach and was about 40 mins outside the city by bus but it was relatively easy to get to. We took the 806 bus and it cost €1.40 each way. For the buses in Palermo we had to buy our tickets in a Tabbacheria before boarding. When we got to the beach it was like we were in a totally different place. It had quite a resort-like atmosphere if you don’t count the many men roaming the beach selling beer, blankets and sunglasses. The beach itself was so nice, quite clean and the water was amazing! It was so nice to swim and take a refreshing break from the heat. We headed back into the city for yet another nap before showering and getting ready for the night ahead (cue the plumbing issues). We had a few quick drinks in the apartment and headed out around 1 o clock to see what the city of Palermo had to offer. We came across a side street which was down some steps just off Via Roma and I can only describe it as pure madness.

It was easily one of the best nights out I have had in a long time. Each bar had drinks cheaper than your curry chip at the end of the night, €1 shots, €3 vodkas, you name it! There was also music blaring out of each bar and the street became a continuous dance floor. At the end of the street was a square which had a barbecue, a make shift bar and even a sweet shop and again music filled the whole square and it was black with people.

We stayed there dancing and drinking until 4.30am and two of the girls even ended up as bartenders for the night and handed us out a pile of free drink! We then gathered the troops and headed to bed. This was easier said than done and it was 5.30 before my head hit the pillow.

We woke relatively early the next morning to catch a bus to Trapani. We hadn’t the freshest heads on us as we made our way to the bus stop but we powered on. When we arrived in Trapani we met an old man as we were wandering the streets looking for food before we could check in (truth be told Google Maps told me there was a Burger King nearby when there absolutely was not). He brought us to a restaurant, which wasn’t great to be honest, but it was still very kind of him. We then headed to our apartments which were called Residence La Mattanza, about 5 minutes walk from the port. They were really nice, clean and perfect for a large group. We all went for a nap and then had some drinks and pizza on the balcony. It was an early night as we were all shattered from the previous night. Word to the wise there are no shops open on a Sunday in Trapani and very few restaurants so be prepared if you are arriving on a Sunday.

The next morning we made our way to the port to catch a boat to Favignana island. When we were out on Saturday night a couple told us we absolutely had to go to Favignana, that it was the Italian Maldives and boy they were not lying!

This place is seriously amazing. When we arrived we saw that there was bike rental and then noticed there was also a moped rental place. We rented 7 mopeds between us and I was absolutely terrified starting off. Neither of us had ever driven one before and my hands were numb from the grip I had on the passenger handles but once we got used to it I can easily say it is one of the best things I have ever done.

The island is not that big but it was definitely the best way to see it. We flew around the coastal roads, meeting very few cars along the way. We took a break at a beach called Lido Burro for a swim and a little tanning time. When we left the beach I decided to give a go at piloting the moped. After a slightly dodgy start and nearly ploughing into a wall, I quickly got the hang of it and was soon whizzing around the island like a pro (or at least I thought so anyway) . We got our ferry back at 6 that evening but I could easily have spent a week on that island.

If you have one thing on the top of your list of things to do in Sicily, make it a visit to Favignana and the other Egadi Islands. That evening we napped (again) and then went for dinner in an ok restaurant (the food in Sicily overall was a little disappointing for me but if you like fish I can assure you you will be impressed as everyone else in our group was blown away by the seafood). Unfortunately when we returned to the apartment I headed straight to bed as I was exhausted and a little burnt after the day and just wanted my bed. I was glad though when I woke up fresh the following morning.

Tuesday was our last day and after dropping our bags to another apartment belonging to our friends, we set out in search of food and a beach. We trekked at least a mile in the pursuit of some food which was a little bit of a disaster but eventually made it to the beach and had two hours of tanning time (during which I stupidly got scalded) before heading back to the apartment to make our way to the airport. Our flight wasn’t until 9.55pm so we had plenty of time to get there.

All in all it was quite an enjoyable holiday, but the burning question is will I return? The answer is yes when I am old enough to rent a car as I think Sicily is an amazing island with lots of beautiful beaches and towns but the public transport there is very limited. There is so much more I would have liked to have seen and will definitely return I the future to see. The highlight of my holiday was absolutely the mopeds, and the island of Favignana. I’m off now to check how much it is to buy one!

Much love,

Eimear x

Travel Post: Sicily I have spent the last 5 days in Sicily with 15 fellow Erasmus students and my God, what can I say?

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