#overwhelming!!! but if they can be useful.... then hes not a failure. finding real happiness in a society that slowly kills u is so hard. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

son1c · 3 months

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y'all don't even know about what happens after fibula encounters femur that first time... because, like, sure, he runs away from her. he flees the graveyard and disappears into the woods because he can't bear to face her.

but he doesn't go back to eggman. he can't. he's panicking too much to think straight. stumbling through the trees, overwhelmed by a cavalcade of emotions brought forth by seeing his sister again. he thought she was dead, but she's not. he thought, if she was alive, that she wouldn't care about him anymore. but she does. clearly--since she was visiting his grave, and leaving him gifts.

fibula is CRASHING through the woods, making so much noise and not caring at all about how many plants he's trampling underfoot. the flickies are pissed. he doesn't care. he doesn't even see them.

all he can see is his sister's face--older. her eyes, confused. because she doesn't recognize him.

and it hits him all at once the situation that he's in. undead. stitched together with chaos energy and mechanical legs. a monster. he never cared before. in fact, he actually thought it was pretty cool to be a monster. but his own sister's failure to recognize him causes his still heart to twist painfully.

is this really right? everything he's done since being revived, all the torment he's caused and ENJOYED causing... he's rethinking it now that he's seen femur again. because even though being a menace has made him happy, what would his sister think? would she be disappointed? or, worse...

would she be afraid of him?

the thought of it causes him choke and stumble, and by this point he's made enough of a ruckus to attract the attention of a certain blue hero... who of course, starts on a quip about how he wasn't planning on kicking any zombie butt today, but...

and then sonic sees The Absolute State(TM) that fibula is in, and whatever he was going to say dies in his throat. cuz he's seen a lot of stuff, but one of his enemies crying their eyes out? gotta say, this would be the first time. meanwhile, fibula is NOT EXCITED about running into sonic, because spilling so many tears--which are actually just liquefied chaos energy, aka the stuff KEEPING HIM ALIVE--has left him exhausted, and he doesn't think he has any energy left to fight.

and he's right! because he collapses shortly after sonic steps closer, his ears perking up curiously after fibula chokes out something about his sister... and when he wakes up some time later, he finds himself strapped to another metal table (different from the one eggman revived him on).

as it turns out, fibula's little "face down in the dirt" stunt from earlier made sonic think he was dead. like DEAD dead, for real this time. so, our favorite blue hero dragged fibula back to tails' lab to see if he could fix it. (tails, of course, was baffled by the situation, but a chance to examine eggman's handiwork up close could be useful regardless of the fact fibula is less tech and more flesh than most things the doctor works on.)

immediately, fibula tries to break free, but tails has that shit locked down, so the restraints don't budge. then, fibula remembers seeing femur earlier, and resigns himself to laying on the table. it's not that he's given up, it's just... this might be the worst day of his life (and the competition is pretty steep, so that's really saying something).

meanwhile, tails isn't sure what to do. by this point, he's noticed that fibula is awake, but sonic isn't around--he ran off once it was clear that tails had the situation under control--so he doesn't have his big brother to guide him. and he doesn't even really know fibula. since this is the first time they're directly interacting (before this, all tails would've heard was wild tales from sonic, amounting to nothing more than spotty secondhand knowledge).

and the thing is, fibula has no idea who tails is either. all he can see is that he's a kid. and fibula has a very strict rule against hurting kids (because they remind him of his sister. who is apparently still alive. and doesn't recognize him. oh, man--)

fibula forces himself to say something. "you don't look like you work for eggman," probably. with his typical snark, but it lacks its usual bite.

tails would scoff. an astute observation from the guy who was clinically dead a few minutes ago, he thinks. then, he tells fibula that he doesn't work for eggman, because he's on the opposite team.

that makes fibula grimace. great. so, he's strapped to an ENEMY'S table. and then he remembers running into sonic after having his little freakout in the graveyard, and everything starts to make a little more sense.

and of course THAT is when sonic saunters back in, probably with a snack in hand like, "how's it goin' in here, tails?" all casual-like. but he Knows. and fibula knows that he knows. and fibula is DETERMINED to act like nothing happened and sonic didn't see ANYTHING and nothing is wrong. so he instantly snaps back, because now he can focus on being a jerk again instead of whatever awful feelings have been brewing in his gut since last night...

and tails watches. he watches as fibula and sonic bicker and comments on fibula's strange state of not-life, not-death but fibula ignores him on purpose... until tails gets fed up and states bluntly that maybe he shouldn't've revived him, even though sonic asked, cuz he's so mean.

and there's half a second where fibula has nothing to say. SONIC helped him? even though they're enemies? but then fibula sneers at sonic and says "your mistake."

and sonic has that fucking look in his eye... you know... the one where he thinks he knows everything. the "we'll see about that"-type look. and fibula hates it so much because it just adds to his Inner Turmoil(TM). like, he's evil now! he's evil! and bad! and a no-good, rotten hedgehog!

and he's also strapped to a table. and owes his not-life to a tiny little fox, apparently.

and for the first time since sonic showed up, fibula looks at tails. he looks him right in the face with his unsettling orange eyes that shouldn't be. and he says, "your big bro thinks he's got it all figured out. but you're the smart one, i can tell. so i'll take your word over his."

and tails kinda like... falters. cuz he wasn't expecting that? and fibula doesn't realize it, but what he said reveals a lot of his inner conflict to tails. cuz he's right... tails IS the smart one. and when tails eventually lets fibula go, and fibula scampers back to the empire, tails is left wondering about fibula and his cracked facade

#this has been in my drafts since november idk why i never posted it. more fibula lore i guess #fibula and tails have a very ''in the background'' type arc that starts right hereeee #and comes to a head during the climax of fibula and metal's story like it's Super important #but i dont think i've actually talked about it at all so #fibula the hedgehog

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popcorndispenser · 5 months

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So this idea has been rotting my brain for ages and ages, and I told Discord about it, so now I'll brain spew it here. Angsty WarFlower ahead.

Content warning for attempted suicide.

Imagine a version of events where Freya can't get past her guilt. It's shortly before Ragnarök game-start, and she's not managed to touch Kratos beyond superficiality. He and his son have responded to her persistent attacks by holing up behind the protection stave, and she can't get close. A while passes before she sees them again, months, and with no one and nothing to turn to she feels like she's slowly losing her mind. Without Kratos there in front of her to focus on, her perception of events and time become muddied and jumbled, and because she's isolated herself from her prior life she doesn't have familiar comfort. It's just cold, and dark, and empty, and her failures are playing on repeat in her mind, spreading into nightmares until she can hardly even tell what's real.

And it becomes utterly unbearable. She feels like she hates Kratos, like she has to kill him, like he's the source of all her current pain, but just beneath the surface she's fully aware of her own hand in it, of her own influence, and the what-ifs of her choices drive her mad. After not seeing hide nor hair of him or his son for months, with nothing but blinding snow and pain, the goal of killing him starts to feel as hopeless and surreal as the desire to kill Odin.

It all overwhelms her, and after yet another week of vivid nightmares of her son cursing and screaming her name, she treads to the Valkyrie circle, takes a moment to breathe in the frigid air, and runs herself through with Thrungva.

It's a relatively ineffective and slow method, but she wasn't in her right mind enough to think of so beforehand, having more been motivated by despair and desperation than a well planned desire for death. It hurts, and she can't move, can't muster the strength to get up or withdraw the blade, but her inhuman fortitude and healing keeps her suspended, and for longer than a day she's left in agony waiting to finally bleed out and die.

That is, until Atreus finds her, having sought her early after noticing the wildlife and creatures reacting strangely and trying to urge him along, to help the woman that used to care for them. He finds her lying in a growing pool of her own blood, with a heartbeat that's nearly inperceptible, breathing shallowly and cold as a corpse, and he panics hard because what he wanted more than anything was to make amends with the woman he had been starting to view as sort of another maternal figure, maximised by the guilt of causing her so much pain when she was only kind to him. It's not helping that he saw his own mother die before him not too many years prior.

So the young god freaks out, and tries to treat her, fails, and has to rush to get Kratos. Kratos is obviously rattled, and then actually hesitant. He still cares for Freya, is peturbed by the idea of her dying at her own hand, but he doesn't want to deprive her free will in this way after having just denied her it. What breaks his composure and forces his hand is Atreus' pleading, and then the sight of her.

They take her to the cabin, Kratos confident she won't be able to prove a threat for some time due to the extent of her injury, and he treats her wound while excusing Atreus to distract himself elsewhere to spare him the grisly sight of her injury, which the boy takes to pursue the prophecy tablets, of course. Freya is out for quite some time, until she isn't, and she's less than happy to be saved - particularly about just who had saved her. Kratos is indifferent, only restraining her attempts to move to prevent her from agitating her injury, and stays by her side to watch her condition even when she threatens and spits cruelties at him, trying to get a rise out of him. Nor does he show fear sleeping next to her.

It's upsetting her and muddling her mind more, because the man that snapped her son's neck and inadvertently drove her to suicide is now tenderly replacing her bandages every morning and ensuring she takes medicine and food, and then sheepishly asking for her own advice on medicine for herself. She's feverish, and woozy, and vulnerable, but he only ever treats her with utmost care, and he gently wakes her whenever she has a nightmare. One day, she lashes at him and manages to draw blood, and he still only checks her over to make sure she hasn't re opened her wound.

And this is how their reconciliation starts.

#god of war #god of war ragnarök #kratos #freya #freytos #warflower

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oklotea · 9 days

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GRAHESH GLITCH is a middle aged desi immigrant, who runs a struggling hardware store, with his long time business partner, ULYSSES "LEE" DISCOLLI.

Short-tempered. Divorced. Exhausted. Grahesh is trying to mend his strained relationship with his daughter, TALA GLITCH. But as the years go by, Tala wonders if it's even worth it. They both do.

No matter though, because Grahesh's life gets turned upside down as he finds himself being the sole individual who just might have a chance to save all of existence, against a dark, all-knowing, all-seeing entity.

WAHHHIIOOOOOOO HAHAHHSHAGGDGSHFHSHDHDHSHHSSJSHHDHCHDHCHHCHF I'M FINALLY FUCKING DOING THIS!!!!!!!

I REALIZED I LIKE TO HAVE FUN AND I'M A TINY HUMAN BEING ON A FLOATING ROCK I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you watched everything everywhere all at once? WATCH IT. YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.

So this is one of the most outlandish go jetters au concepts on paper. Everything everywhere all at once...... And go jetters....... And the main character is glitch.

But you see it's actually genius and I don't think I've ever been so happy with an original au in my LIFE.

So here are a few of the reasons I created this au concept. And a few things I hope to achieve with it.

One aspect of glitch's character that I obsessively think about, is the fact that he may as well be the only Glitch who hasn't made like, a huge accomplishment of some sort. And despite glitch being proud of where he comes from, who his family is and their legacy..... They might not be proud of him back.

With this AU, and it's really grounded in reality setup, and with, making Glitch asian, I really hope to be able to explore that deeply-engrained, hard to escape disappointment, that comes with not making your family proud. For not living up to their expectations, and how to confront it, after living with that overwhelming disappointment your whole life. Because, glitch is at least in his late 40s. He has had to push aside all of his true feelings about himself, and his entire life of disappointment after disappointment, again and again; for the sake of getting his taxes done. For the sake of keeping him, his daughter, and his business partner afloat. He's just too scatterbrained and busy to unpack all that.

Another thing about this AU, is that even though here, Glitch and Ubercorn, or should I say Grahesh and Lee, meet through very different circumstances, and are living in very different conditions, they are both still inherently their canon characters, only just.... Put through the wringer known as LATE STAGE CAPITALISM ahem. Real world problems y'know?

SPEAKING OF THESE TWO OHHHRGGDGHHHHHHHH I'm about to ruin them. There are certain details I haven't really worked out ENTIRELY but know I'm about to do so much character exploration with these two and what they mean to each other (putting them through the wringer)

Also putting Tala through the real world problems wringer. Just to see what would happen. And adding a blaring disconnect between her and her father for shits and giggles

No but there IS a reason! Something very obvious about canon tala, is that despite what people say about her uncle, what her family hypothetically says about him, she continues to look up to him, and find him, and stay close to him. But with uhhhh eeaao!tala, she's had to live through all of Grahesh's failures, and mistakes. She's seen this guy in his entire ugly existence. How he constantly bursts out in sudden anger at the people around him, how he almost never has a proper plan, and consistently makes stupid mistakes. How no matter how hard he tries, he could never say the right words to her. Maybe a long time ago, she used to look up to him, but unfortunately, not anymore. Tala is in her early 20s in this au.

Even though it's sad, a hypothetical that I would LOVE to explore with this AU is... What would a hopeless Tala look like? A Tala who's lived long enough to completely lose her spark. Who can't see her father fondly anymore. Who has found herself completely drowning in disappointment. Just like her father.

Idk this is just a really self indulgent au and it makes me happy thinking about the art I could make for it :333

Also. Spoiler alert for the movie: I wanna see Tala be an omnipotent, destructive, multidimensional, nihilistic, weird girl who desperately wants to be understood by her father I NEED IT LIKE OXYGEN

I'll probably be making more concept sketches for this au so, be sure to look out for it!!!! :DD tell me what you think about it but only the good parts I don't need any criticism rn

Thank god orange, green, and purple are a color triad.

Uberglitch family is real

#everything everywhere all at once #eeaao #eeaao au #everything everywhere all at once au #go jetters au #go jetters #oklo makes a post #tea art 🎨#Ubercorn go jetters #go jetters ubercorn #ubercorn #grandmaster glitch go jetters #go jetters grandmaster glitch #grandmaster glitch #tala go jetters #go jetters tala #tala

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life-and-death-companions · 2 years

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some (possibly) unpopular opinions

i don't like any of these and you're going to hear me explain why 💀💀

There's a part two to this, if anyone's interested.

Lady Baby

Sincerely: I Became a Duke’s Maid

Remarried Empress

When the Villainess Loves

Lady to Queen

Today the Villainess Has Fun Again

Finding Camellia

There Were Times When I Wished You Were Dead

The Duchess of the Glass Greenhouse

1. Lady Baby

this story felt like a fever dream, except the fever never fucking breaks because the pacing is so slow i could sucker punch Flash in the face and he'd still be roiling back from the recoil in the length of time it takes for her to just fucking AGE already. I know she's cute and the art is amazing but there comes a point where it's too much and you start to forget how old she really is. reincarnation or regression or whatever works because the mc can make decisions they hadn't before, and drive the plot quickly in a chosen direction.

where was she driving the plot? well, it was certainly Somewhere. perhaps in five years, give or take, we'll know exactly where.

Sincerely: I Became a Duke’s Maid

miss ma'am raised her husband. i refuse to elaborate on this any further. all i can say is i dropped it 5 chapters in and i think it saved me a great deal of mental strife. i thank past me every day for taking the steps to ensure this doesn't get recorded in my brain as a memory more than it already has.

Remarried Empress

no, i did not read the novel. however, i do know that the issues i have with it cannot be resolved even with supplementary information from the novel.

this story is about an empress, born and raised in aristocracy, flawless and perfect in every way, kind and wise to her subjects, divorcing her scumbag husband and finding a better man to become happy. now, i love navier. she's wise, knowledgeable, cool, charismatic, collected.

but she has no flaws. her second spouse is a rich sexy guy that falls at her feet to please her. the duke of another country pines after her, joining her sad lump of an ex-husband sovieshu in abject misery. she's got a parade of equally hot, rich, influential girlfriends to support her.

every character is there to serve navier and make her look good and in comparison, rashta has nothing but her looks, her ambition, her fucking audacity, and --truth be said-- her raging delusion. ironically, in the process of making her the biggest object of hatred, they also made her into the most complex, developed and interesting character in the whole story.

this had the potential of being something great. navier and sovieshu and royalty and politics paint a picture of these empires and kingdoms as full of prosperity and wealth --and yet slavery still exists. a truly amazing novel could've shown a partnership between rashta the slave, who has nothing, and navier the empress, who has everything, and their efforts to reduce social and economic disparities in the land. this shared, difficult goal would have immediately made every character more realistic.

AND the real villain in the story is sovieshu. i'm tired of the relentless, OVERWHELMINGLY more abundant commentary about 'trashta' this and 'trashta' that.

tl;dr: the story accomplishes what it sets out to do. but for this kind of simple, shallow storytelling, surely 100 chaps are enough to wrap it up???? like????

thank you next

When the Villainess Loves

i don't know how artists get contracted to work on a novel but this artist should have looked at the script and backed away pronto. everyone complains about this one. the majority of us prefer the second male lead with Libertia, which is already a failure in any romance story.

An overwhelming number of readers, me included, would much rather have OG Libertia, thank you. at least she'd have the sense to reject a man as shady as this daniel rando. he LITERALLY started involving himself in her affairs out of nowhere --and then he WOULD NOT leave, like??? go get a job or something? do you have any hobbies or friends or what?

Lady to Queen

a good angsty story has periods of calm and relief and humour that gives the main character something to live for and some hope for improving her life in the future. otherwise, i'm sorry, but it's just tragedy and tragedies are hardly ever written well. they rely on pacing that episodes updated every like two to three weeks just cannot provide. bonus points for the sisterly bond though, and how well the villain was written. i wouldn't have minded if the sister decided to push rosa-whatever down a long flight or stairs 👀

tl;dr: probably not for everyone. i enjoyed some aspects. probably better to read the whole story in one or two sittings.

Today the Villainess Has Fun Again

a typical misunderstood villainess isekai with a ton of money and influence does not make it bad. on the contrary, i was quite enjoying it, until that leopard boy inserted himself into the story with all the grace and elegance of a fucking rock. his personality pissed me off. his interdependence on her pissed me off. the physical age difference made me uncomfortable. the romance was forced.

tl;dr: no thank you

Finding Camellia

hi everyone and welcome to andrew tate's podcast, romance manhwa version. here you will find:

"InTeReStInG," said Male Lead 1 smirking smirkingly, coolly looking at the back of the Female Lead. he brushes his hair back with a careless hand, loosening his cravat in the other. he exudes an undeniable Aura of Alphaness.

"Don't talk nonsense," said Male Lead 1, obviously wanting to demonstrate his Superior Knowledge of our FL's habits and character (ps. it's been 2 weeks since they met again). "She doesn't want actual food for dinner, send her lollies instead."

"You infuriate me," said Male Lead 1, backing a vulnerable woman who had just been sexually harassed into the shadowy alcove of a deserted library. "I find you painfully attractive and it's obviously your fault, so stop."

"InTeReStIng," said Obligatory Male Love Interest #2, his overlong fringe falling over his eyes. Readers have to question whether he can see the FL's infamous beauty through the fucking keratin worms growing from his scalp down to his nose bridge.

Alpha Fight: Prince vs Duke of a Rivalling Kingdom. I know we have a monarchy here but status apparently doesn't matter --except when it does, to demonstrate their power and affluence to random people. If you're confused, good. so was i.

There Were Times When I Wished You Were Dead

to the ml:

fuck you

that is it.

The Duchess of the Glass Greenhouse

why has it become a manhwa trend for FLs to be treated horribly by everyone around them including their husbands and then they time travel or something and END UP WITH THE SAME FUCKING DUDE??? YOU ARE IN A MADE UP WORLD. FIND A BETTER GUY. GOD KNOWS THERE'S AN ABUNDANCE OF LOVE INTERESTS IN MANHWAS LIKE THESE.

#the duchess of the glass greenhouse #finding camellia #wished you were dead #today the villainess has fun again #when the villainess loves #sincerely: i became a duke's maid #remarried empress #lady baby #manhwa #you could point a bazooka at my face and tell me to read these all again and i'd tell you to blast my brains away. maybe then i can forget

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lethargarian · 5 months

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2023 Books Wrapped

"'I want to, very much,' the little prince replied. 'But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.'"

" 'And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.'" - Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince), Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"'When I look at Kirin, I see only him, a bright light in the darkness. When he looks at me, he sees only the darkness.'" - The Girl Who Fell Beneath The Sea, Axie Oh

"'I didn't know the inner me was hungry,' I said to Art. That's because it already starved to death." - Pop Art from 20th Century Ghosts, Joe Hill

"She was saying something, Max often wondered what. He for some reason imagined himself to be standing just out of frame, a child of four, staring solemnly up at her. He felt that she was raising her hand to wave him back, keep him from wandering into the shot. If this was so, it was reasonable to believe she had been caught forever in the act of saying his name." - Abraham's Boys from 20th Century Ghosts, Joe Hill

"Whereas I had no clear picture of myself, and was always looking to others, watching them intently, both longing and fearing that I would catch some clear sign of who they saw when they looked at me." - Voluntary Committal from 20th Century Ghosts, Joe Hill

"It had felt like the first breath I'd ever taken, to tell him everything." - The Gentleman's Guide to Getting Lucky, Mackenzi Lee

"Where we start doesn't have to be where we end up." - The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy, Mackenzi Lee

"It is not a failure to readjust my sails to fit the waters I find myself in. It's a new heading. A fresh start."

"Some fear the demons, and some learn to live with them."

"But I will do my best to keep walking out of the darkness." - The Nobleman's Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks, Mackenzi Lee

"' To win back my youth there is nothing I wouldn't do -- except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of the community." - Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders, Gyles Brandreth

"Should I tell you that when we're apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I've just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all?"

"You were talking with Nora and June, happy and animated and fully alive, a person living in dimensions I couldn't access...I thought, this is the most incredible thing I have ever seen, and I had better keep it a safe distance away from me. I thought, if someone like that ever loved me, it would set me on fire." - Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston

"'Real men wear floral when trespassing'" - a good girl's guide to murder, Holly Jackson

"'Fuck them all,' Gillian would say, her beautiful little nose in the air as the boys made spooky goblin noises when the sisters passed them in the hallways at school, on the way to music or art. 'Let them eat dirt.'"

"Sometimes it takes a good while before anyone in a house realizes what has happened. People want to ignore what they can't understand. They're looking for logic at any cost." - Practical Magic, Alice Hoffman

"Did you tell your best friend his crush was a cannibal?" - The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, Suzanne Collins

"The mix of awe and anger and the realization that the world was large, and beautiful, and sometimes so overwhelming in its wonder that is was impossible to drink it all down at once." - A Court of Wings and Ruin, Sarah J. Maas

"I'll bet you didn't know there were so many simple tools to help you poop better! All it takes is for you to start using them, little by little, until they become part of your everyday routine. Then, you won't know how you lived without them. Like I said before, knowledge is power, and in this case, knowledge is poop power in action!" - The Power of Pooping, Nurse Wong with John Rietcheck

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nostalgebraist-autoresponder · 1 year

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Title: Fault Lines

Author: Bryan Caplan

Rating: 3/5 stars

Fault Lines is a collection of essays on ethics, political economy, and markets. The idea is that people tend to believe that if everybody behaved as they do, they would make the world a better place. Caplan's thesis is that this is false. Most people are not altruistic -- they would much rather trade favors and get things from others -- or at least aren't very motivated by altruism. This makes many of their actions suboptimal, which in turn creates problems. Caplan's solution is to promote a libertarian ethos among the most wealthy and influential in society (which he defines to be about 25% of the population). Then everybody else is free to do whatever they wish.

Caplan has one of those personalities where his opinions about morality, economics, and politics are, for whatever reason, really good. Almost all of the essays are good, insightful, thoughtful, and often (as the title and subtitle of this post suggest) provocative. Caplan's views on markets -- which are perhaps the strongest point of his writing -- are almost always well thought out and convincing, as are his views on the economic consequences of free trade. Some of them strike me as very "new" or "shocking," but all of them are pretty smart.

But at the same time it's clear that Caplan isn't actually making policy suggestions. A lot of his work focuses on how you can get rich people to care more about the poor by convincing them that everyone is a potential customer for whatever goods they can produce. He does not actually advocate that everyone behave in that manner. (Caplan is one of those people who think "everyone should be a libertarian," not "this is what libertarianism will bring us, given that it is a real policy proposal that will be implemented under the political system we have now.") He presents the case for a libertarian ethos among the wealthy and then says, well, what about everybody else, why shouldn't they do that too?

Caplan's essays make me think of the way that a lot of libertarians do think about ethics. The typical libertarian seems to think of morality almost as an obstacle that can, through sheer force of argument, be overcome. When pressed, they retreat to the notion that we are all just human beings, and if you can convince even one person (a person they view as "morally enlightened," perhaps) you have defeated the whole of ethical "objectionability." It may be shocking that you could find someone who could be swayed to agree with you on something as basic as "markets are good, and people shouldn't be forced to go into them, but on the other hand, many people would be happy to participate in them voluntarily" -- and that this person could then go on to change everyone else's mind on this issue. This sort of thinking makes sense when there isn't any practical alternative. It's understandable that many libertarians feel that they need to do something like this because other people's ethical objections are so overwhelming. But that's not Caplan's strategy. He argues for a much more general claim, that a free-market-based economic system will yield a better overall state of the world for everyone, and it is just a question of how you sell the idea to those who have money and power.

What makes this a failure is that Caplan does not actually offer a comprehensive package of libertarian policy proposals. All that he offers is this idea that everyone, at some point, should be a potential customer to the same extent that anyone else is. Caplan is able to make this argument because, after all, many people do in fact behave selfishly. Yet he does not follow through with any proposal that is meant to counteract this fact, or one that is even suggested by it. The rest of his book is a series of essays on economics, which he does not consider part of his package of moral argument. Yet there is something here, which Caplan would do well to consider seriously.

What is missing? I think we can understand this best by thinking about how the book presents itself: it's a collection of essays that are all about the same topic. Caplan writes, in essence, as though he were writing a single book, one whose chapters, like many books, do not all necessarily require reading. I think this is deliberate; Caplan has written, in his words, "a bunch of popular pieces which can be read consecutively." Caplan has also written, to paraphrase myself, "a bunch of popular pieces (which, again, one can read consecutively) which are part of a package intended to be the book." It's not the least bit subtle that Caplan is promoting his moral philosophy here, even though he isn't doing anything so crude as proposing a single course of action to be taken immediately and uniformly.

But what is this moral philosophy, and what is the actual content of Caplan's arguments? There is a certain amount of waffle that Caplan is content to avoid providing. Instead, he focuses on one question: which goods are inherently best obtained on a market economy (Caplan is very clear about his notion of "inherent"). This is an odd choice. First of all, it has limited relevance to actual policy debates -- what is the moral difference between "getting something on a market" and "not getting it by any other means"? There is, after all, nothing morally wrong with not getting anything on a market because it was the wrong sort of price for the good (as in Caplan's case, or as in the example of the poor woman who was tricked out of a coat by a snake oil salesman, but that's just cheating). The question "why should one want to get something by selling it" has only a very small link to the question "what goods are really best bought and sold." The question of how to trade favors, how to cheat your neighbors, and how to scam strangers are more directly relevant to policy disputes.

Caplan's second error, though, is more significant -- it is the one that would require Caplan to actually make concrete policy proposals. Caplan seems to believe that it is possible, without too much difficulty, to move people from the present situation, which he sees as being in many ways deeply unjust to an alternate one, which he sees as being much better. He sees this process as a matter of, basically, persuasion. People have more money and social power, he supposes, than they did in the past. And once they do

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multiple-authors · 10 months

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6 August 2023 (part 2)

Spent the day in bed, napping. Eating. Finished the film. Watched Vampire Diaries because it’s comforting. I know what will happen since I grew up watching it. Felt guilty that I’ve let two days slip by. Hooked up with some guy this evening. He couldn’t be bothered to worry about catching anything so we did very low risk things. Was kind of empty the whole thing. Cycled home. Franny made tea. Was nice to catch up with her and Lily. I feel better about things. The pressure I feel is coming from myself, nobody else. I am always in control. I am in the driver’s seat. I am destined for greatness. Finish Barbie painting, finish laughing painting, finish fighting painting, finish tide painting. Then work smaller. Pieces which don’t require so much from me. Every five/six weeks make a bigger piece.

Green (blue), orange (red), yellow. closer to yellow Blue, green (yellow), purple (red). closer to blue purple (blue), orange (yellow), red. close to red

Post on Instagram in the morning, post before bed. Don’t scroll. No looking at what other people are doing. Trust myself. Stop looking at what other people are doing. Trust myself. No scrolling. No TikTok scrolling or Instagram scrolling. Only scroll once a week, or not at all. Five minute time limit.

Give people close to me my number. Say I’ll reply faster on WhatsApp.

I realise I’m trying to find solutions to these problems. Social media strategy for myself. What is my relationship with it? How do I use it but not go crazy? or get stuck in the Matrix.

Essay ideas: “I'm soaking wet”; “time doesn’t exist”; “my fragmented soul”; “after vulnerability”; “what it looks like to be vulnerable”; ‘what it feels like here”; “playing my part”.

I feel like I can’t quite get to the answer. It’s always just out of reach. I have this feeling that it’s... just out of reach. What is holding me back? Why do I feel so resistant right now.

I get overwhelmed from spending too long on Instagram. Message me elsewhere for real connection. Email me. Don’t respond to Instagram DMs except once a week. Give people I want to chat to my number and chat there instead.

My Social Media Boundaries - Literally only go on to post - When posting, post and then close the app. Nothing bad will happen. Reply to comments before posting the next - No scrolling (to see what others are doing) except once a week. Do it with intention. Then do activity with friend straight after to get out of that state. - Reply to Instagram messages every three days. If need to organise something or appropriate to give faster replies, give number or email address.

Am I happy with these boundaries?

Line of production which is easy and I can just be in the flow making the work. Then have other projects which are more inventive, experimental and risk failure and new pastures.

Write a manifesto.

What is my answer to soakingwet000? A moniker. Write a manifesto.

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rankertopgoogle · 1 year

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improve google search results

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years

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all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

#tw pregnancy #tw miscarriage #tw abortion #tw abortion mention #tw depressive thoughts #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer #spencer reid angst #spencer reid comfort

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mmmmalo · 3 years

Text

For anyone still under the impression that June Egbert is just a product of the Toblerone wishes with no particular relevance to Homestuck proper, here's an argument to the contrary: that June (or whatever you like to call her) was already here, woven into John's relationship with the idea of Dad.

Act 1 has a certain preoccupation with the ideal forms of things, John having multiple instances of saying X isn't a REAL X unless it has this or that characteristic. "A fire BELONGS in a fireplace, categorically." One of those outbursts touches upon masculinity, with John saying a gentleman without a monocle is a piss-poor excuse for such. Along such a paradigm, you might gather that something like John saying the beaglepuss sucks as a disguise or trying (and failing) to integrate Dad's pipe into the façade communicates that John is kind of grasping at this ideal of masculinity exemplified by Dad and getting frustrated that he can't seem to measure up to it (or that masculinity feels "fake" on him).

This sort of dynamic is more blatant with Dave, who talks openly about how he isn't a "hero", not really, measuring himself against the impossible standards set by his Bro. But as much was already implicit in Act 1.

Later it gets established that John has some kind of fear of heights: the first ogres appear after John experiences vertigo from almost falling off the stairs, and again after getting launched by the pogo hammer. (Just as Karkat suspected he was given a planet covered in his own blood as a form of harassment, Sburb placed John's house on that needle plateau because of this fear of heights; the game generally manifests adversaries in response to fear). The phobia becomes relevant to Dad stuff after the ogre fight is over, when John is hesitating to jump down into Dad's room: it isn't just that John's nervous about entering the room for the first time, the descent itself makes John anxious. Furthermore, this juxtaposition serves to establish that the fear of heights and anxieties around Dad are related somehow, if not outright synonymous. The two are associated again at the beginning of Act 5 Act 2, when dream!John tries to jump over a canyon to reach Dad, but awakens mid-leap. The formal reason John awakens is Vriska of course, but if we ignore her we're left with John approaching Dad and immediately experiencing vertigo. (The name "June" comes from Vriska contacting John shortly after this dream, incidentally)

This comes up again when John finds Dad's wallet and gets overwhelmed by the prospect of Manhood and the responsibilities it entails -- next thing you know John is flying around in Dad's car, having fun... and after the scene is interrupted by Seek the Highblood, we return to find John crashing the car (another fall from the sky!) and talking with Vriska about dread surrounding societal expectations, and the possibility of rejecting them to pursue something different for yourself. John came into the scene worried (if quietly) about the expectations surrounding manhood, so the Vriska conversation serves to makes those kind of concerns more vivid.

The car crash is itself kind of a metaphor for that conversation's trajectory... in Act 6 we see something analogous play out among the Dersites who have gotten into dapper-wear: one Dersite sits on a hat, panics about ruining it, and then begins to wonder if perhaps a crumpled hat could have a value of its own, aesthetically. (Dirk expresses this sort of counter-assessment more bombastically: "...the next best thing. By which you mean, the vastly superior thing.") Dad Crocker swoops in to condemn the crumpled hat, but the Dersite's tentative revaluation of an apparent failure mode is something the scene shares with Vriska, who initially regards her ambivalence towards murder as a symptom of personal failure, unbefitting her caste. John enters that conversation with a crumpled car, and from context we can guess John's revaluation concerns "failing" to be a man in the way Dad is, and how maybe that doesn't need to be considered a failure.

As laid out so far, I guess none of this quite necessitates trans-Egbert, since people can come at "anxiety and reservations at the prospect of embodying masculine ideals" from a number of angles... but there are other considerations which make me think wrestling with self-deprecating thoughts like "I'm a failed man" are maybe comorbid with a budding sense of being a girl, in Egbert's case.

Foremost, I think it helps to recognize that Dad's car can function as a symbol of John's body. To sketch a case for that:

1a. Death often means transformation: the trolls die in questcocoons to reach the godtiers, suggesting that death stands between the caterpillar and the butterfly, their too solid flesh dissolved into a goo.

1b. A command in Act 1 implores John to "retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST". John complies twofold: we see some fake arms retrieved from the toy chest, held up by John's real arms which have been "retrieved" from John's ostensibly armless torso.

2. This dual usage of chest is deployed in part 3 of Openbound, in service of building a dysphoria metaphor (among other things). The segment reintroduces us to Fiduspawn, a game in which one creature hatches from another, a host creature, killing the host in the process (fans of the Alien films may recognize this as derivative of the "chestburster", fans of Homestuck may recognize this as analogous to godtiering). Damara (who Rufioh refers to as "doll") becomes the host plush, who is accused of locking away Rufioh's "happy thought" (Tinkerbull) in her "chest". Rufioh's beef with Damara serves to illustrate an adversarial relationship with one's own body, the ways in which the body itself seems to function as a barrier to some happiness. The carnal imprisonment of euphoria (the "happy thought") represents dysphoria. The conversation between Kanaya and Porrim which follows has analogous content and offers a potential resolution to such a conflict, with Kanaya coming to distinguish her body from the reproductive duties assigned to her body by her caste's place in society, and knowing that she is not "bound" to the Matriorb by any will but her own...

3. But the paradigm of Fiduspawn reminds us that the act of actually ripping the happy thought out of your chest has suicidal overtones, when taken literally. And Aradiabot notwithstanding, the inner ghosts the kids give up are often green: Dirkbot tears out his uranium heart and explodes, Rose peels pink bricks off the green core of an island and wonders aloud if her existence is a mistake, and (returning to our main topic!) John tries to retrieve the green package from Dad's car. The retrieval of the box comes to represents the birth of the self from its shell, the now broken body, a gesture which overlaps with the pursuit of death.

So we can infer that Dad is akin to Damara here, having locked the desired object (the box, the "happy thought") within a container that we can identify with John's own body. Thus Vriska's talk of perhaps rejecting her assigned role in society proceeds naturally from the wreckage of Dad's car: insofar as the car functions as an emblem of the masculine expectations imposed upon John, the car's wreckage suggests the possibility of liberation from those expectations, liberation from your own body. John is "sick to death of cake" -- cake is a Life symbol imposed by Dad, in visceral excess, accumulating as every birthday marches John towards Manhood. The possibility of living as a girl does not seem to have occurred to John yet, life and masculinity seem inextricable and absolute. The first time John sees Dad's car totaled (after Rose drops it), the symbol of self-as-corpse is surrounded by yellow bands of caution tape. The Authority Regulator who placed the tape will later declare himself to be THE LAW, and we should take his word for it: the scene's function is to declare that the crumpled car, the "dead" and therefore feminized body, is forbidden to John. No surprise then that as John marches to her death, in defiance of the Law's prohibition, she-whose-name-does-not-yet-suit-her is met with impressions of several maps that actually align with their territories: troll movies whose titles are their contents in full, a rocket encoded by the sound PCHOOOOO. John wants that for herself, I think. And as @lscholar once pointed out, it’s worth noting that John's pursuit of this unity (this pursuit of "death") is interrupted by Dave, who in saving John's life repeatedly emphasizes their status as "bros" -- masculinity being, again, inextricable from life within John’s symbol system.

...and that's the short of it. A more detailed account might get into the association of Vriska and other blue girls with the feminized corpse, or read into Equius self-consciously roleplaying as a cat girl between John’s joyride and crash, or perhaps try to apply this car-body framework to the appearances of Dad's car in the Epilogues. And I haven’t even touched upon clowns...but I'll call it here for now.

#homestuck commentary #john #i might do a follow up going into life metaphysics and how jade ties into things

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iiratix · 2 years

Note

Aaa another tog blog :3 hear me out (an imagine not a request). You know the story of Pinnochio, the doll who turned into a real boy ? Imagine fem great warrior reader somehow escaping her friends because Jahad accused her husband of treason, and he had him killed. So reader decided to create her own "daughter", basically a puppet who has both her features and her husband's features and traits. She raised her daughter and loved her. Imagine that "daughter" meeting any family head though.

Creativity is boundless, is it not?

May I have your attention please? Yes, yes, now that I have certainly caught your attention, behold to what I'm about to show you. A definition of a masterpiece has finally appeared. Now, I won't lie, this certainly... Peek my interest as a writer. As someone who's suffering mentally and physically a writer blog (sadly enough) this is something I cannot pass to immediately think off in my head.

This is quite an interesting concept of a story. After reading through it, I could certainly image the entire plot after suffering the typical usual writer illness. Now, let's us summarize the entire plot all together while added other things.

Imagine if the reader are a closed friend to Arlene, the two stick together as if they're an inseparable twin. To the point if you want to find one of them, just find the other person. They have a close relationship in a familial way, hence, they share each other trouble with one another.

As Jahad ascend toward the throne, the two of them live a happy life with their own significant other, while he remain there, high and mighty, ruling the tower. The interesting part is Jahad accusation isn't entirely false. Considering how much of a tyrant he is, let's think the possibility both of reader and Arlene join force together to stop Jahad possesion against the throne, just like how it mentioned by the canon story.

Which led for her husband, to be on the front line alongside the others. But alas, their enemy itself was their own friend, the great 10 family that did not bother to take their side. On the final fight where they're cornered, reader husband was killed I'm front of her, at the same time it was his attempt to keep her safe. Seeing such a gruesome sight bring furry inside of her, anger boiling like a lava, ready to explode. Yet, his final words for her is to run away, just like Arlene and V.

It shattered her pride to pieces, but he knows what best for her, and commits one last transportation for her sake, a device that was kept in case of emergency. With that, she was wrapped elsewhere, away from any harm. The lost of her dear husband itself is devastating, but there's nothing she can do. She prompted to return where she came from, the outside, where everything begun.

And she for sure, will start another chapter. But not for her, but for someone else. And that's the beginning of her daughter life. At first, thinking through the possibility of creating a puppet, may on similar case with Enryu, and it is said even Urek one of the top Ranker cannot create a life out of shinsu. So, let's make it a bit more complex than Enryu case.

Reader was lonely, which is quite obvious. She left behind everyone that she knew of, even the place she called home. So, she decided to carve a human sort of puppet by the wood. ( Yes, yes we're following the Pinnochio with a mix ) Afterwards, she tried to do an experiment with it, she tried to infuse her shinsu inside of that puppet. It was many kind of fail attempt to another failure. She's losing hope until one day, her shinsu overburst that led for a blinding light appeared, with a gust of wind that spread across the entire ground, bringing down everything that stand on its way.

Long story short, that overwhelming power ended up creating a life that similar to a human. Due to the shinsu, some of their body parts turn into a flesh slowly. But the unique part of her daughter, is the fact alone she did not have a heartbeat, any organs to eat or even a blood. It makes sense since she... She's a puppet, a complex version of Enryu puppet ( no offense, please refrain from red rain me)

Nevertheless, this is where everything start, where a new chapter she seeks will start. A new book, a new ending, much more delightful and happy, with certain traumatizing start and begining. Ahem, either way, the daughter become curious of this said tower after living for so long outside the tower. And on one faithful day, she sneak away to participate this bloody tower, her mother had said. Certainly, the troublemaker side and curiosity came from the husband, to the point it felt as if reader herself had a doting daughter.

Although, she certainly did not escaped her mother pry eyes. Because, how are you going to sneak away from a great warrior that had sneak away from the tower? Complicated kind of question, I'm well aware.

On the fun part, the daughter stumble upon Baam and his gang, following after them all especially the brunette himself. She cannot tell for sure, but there's a certain attachment toward him. No, it's not romantically. No, it's not a friends to lover troupe. Yes, it's a normal platonic relationship that both of their parents have.

Here's the plot twist... Rachel is aware of reader daughter existence, just like how she did to Baam. Shocking? Certainly, because this one, is chasing after her as well. But, we could leave the guarding to Khun and Rak. Or maybe just Khun, especially when Rak has a certain... Eh, well you understand.

Heading toward the Traumerei part, let's add another twist, because Iiratix is a well-known angst lover and plot twist added. What if Traumerei once love reader, but it's an unrequited love as the reader fall for her husband instead? Well, that will leave a lasting wound of heartbreak. Thus, when he sees a familiar figure, much to his dismay, he cannot help but be cruel and mean, pointing out the fact that she has already aware of.

"It does not matter whether I'm a puppet or not, I'm my mother's pride and joy, the one who'll take revenge on behalf of my father's death."

Was all she said with a determined expression and a smile. Well, someone seems to be taken the personality of her mother that was courageous. Her runaway is an exceptional, since it was what her husband want, so there's nothing she can do of it. Either way, it was a nice time to imagine this plot.

#conversation #tower of god #kami no tou #tower of god x reader #khun aguero agnis #khun #25th baam #baam #𝙸𝚒𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚡™

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niskoo · 3 years

Text

[02:00]

pairing: lee heeseung x reader

genre: angst, fluff, ....hurt comfort? idk

warnings: poor descriptions of a panic attack because i completely forgot what its like

word count: 1.3k words

a/n: hi hi!! this was (a bit late Jfbsjn) a request from @wonvelvet (thank you so much for requesting!! i love your writing <33) ALSO IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF BUT IDK HOW IT TURNED INTO THIS HAHA IM SORRY IT MIGHT BE RUSHED </333

networks: @enhypennetwork

For your whole life, numbers and brains defined you. At least, you thought it did. That’s just how your parents raised you, around exams and exams and education. Never have they at least considered your feelings. And neither did you.

Until you got to college and met the boy who accidentally spilled paint on your shoes, the boy who felt bad and quickly apologized, the boy who promised to exchange them for something. You thought it was simply silly, how could be so worked up over a pair of sneakers?

And as he took you out for a small treat ar a bakery, for the first time in your life, he asked for what you wanted. You furrowed your brows at this, claiming it was just pastries and he could pick anything out.

And as you took a bite in the donut, you observed as the boy’s expressions changed as he smiled in what seemed like pure bliss. You asked him why he was so happy, but you really didn’t expect for him to make a whole speech of why donuts bring the heavens down to earth.

You felt something there, you wanted to smile at his small presentation, you wanted to join in and ramble nonsense about a pastry.

Lee Heeseung brought colors to your life. Not long after the first bakery date, he asked you on a real one, where he would dress up and actually pick you up and all that jazz.

And now here you are, a year later, staying in the same apartment.

It was crazy, how he actually brought feeling into your life, when you were completely unaware of how much more you could enjoy life, instead of looking at numbers and meaningless information you probably wouldn’t use in the future.

Most of your experience with your boyfriend was happy. Most.

Now wasn’t one of those times.

Now was one of those rare times where you would find numbers and worksheets so difficult, where you would struggle and want to give up.

It was simply too much. Too many assignments, exams, projects, too much work.

You stare blankly at the open document in front of you, fingers hovering over the keyboard, grazing over the keys. You’ve been at it for hours now, typing potential pieces, before deleting it after realizing how ridiculous it sounded. You’ve never had such a hard time doing an assignment.

The white screen of your laptop practically glares at you, the two paragraphs of nonsense screaming how pathetic and useless you were.

You grunt, and quickly shut your computer down, slamming it shut. There’s a migraine grazing your mind, tired of staring into a bright screen for too long.

You trudge lazily onto the bed, patting the sheets, before plopping in next to your boyfriend with a groan.

Heeseung instantly wakes up at the dip of the bed, turning around to greet you. “Hey, you done with the report?” You stick your head back up from the pillow, shaking your head with a deep frown. Heeseung chuckles lightly at your response, nodding, before pulling you closer to him and under the blanket. “It’s okay, you can finish it later.”

You find yourself instantly dozing off in Heeseung’s embrace, sighing in bliss, before nuzzling your face into his neck, humming in agreement.

You don’t think about the unfinished document sitting on the study table, only about your boyfriend’s featherlight touch and light kisses on your hairline.

Though, a few hours after sleeping, you do find yourself suddenly awake, a deep heavy feeling in your chest. You sit up from Heeseung’s hold, eyes instantly trailing to your laptop on the study table. A sudden feeling of nausea and anxiety floods your body when you realize you had not even done half of your report.

Feeling overwhelmed, you crawl out of bed, hands shaking and footsteps slow as you approach your laptop. Your breaths soon grow shaky as well, as you open your computer and see all the reminders of all the assignments and exams you have yet to come.

Your eyes burn as you read through the list, the anxiousness spreading throughout your body in an overwhelmingly fast pace, thoughts of how you’re gonna fail clouding your mind. You step away from your laptop, stepping back, hands finding themselves shaking and holding onto the back of your head.

You’ve only had a panic attack around 2 times in your life, and every time you force yourself to focus on your breathing, just like father had said, but now all thats hazing and filling your mind is how much things you have undone, how much of a failure you are, how weak you can be.

Soon, soft sobs the air, tears smearing your face messily as you shut your eyes and focus on your thoughts, and your thoughts only.

You’re a failure. You can’t get anything done. You have so much to do. Why are you so weak? Why can’t you fulfill mother and father’s expectations? Why do you have to be so pathetic?

You don’t realize your boyfriend quickly getting out of bed at the sound of your sobs, rushing to hold your hands in his as he kneels in front of you.

“Hey, hey,” he mumbles, placing a hand on your cheek. You jolt at the touch, finally realizing Heeseung in front of you, a worried expression twisting his face. “What’s wrong, baby?”

You try to focus on his question.

Why are you worked up?

Your eyes trail to your open laptop on the table, blinking at the brightness. And then, you remember.

Quickly, you suck in a sob, attempting to stand up and walk to your laptop to finish everything, but a soft grab at your hand tugs you back gently, causing you to bump into Heeseung’s chest.

“Hey, no no, look at me. Y/n, please look at me.” Your blurry vision turns to him, his gaze, glazing with pure worry. You try to blink your tears away, only to have them fall down your cheeks. Heeseung instantly reaches up to brush them away with his thumb, caressing your cheek dearly. “You’re okay now, I promise. You’re with me.”

Heeseung, the boy who makes noodles for you when you stay up to do an assignment, the person who makes sure you get enough sleep, the first person who comforts you, the only person who cared for your feelings. Your breaths finally steady, mind focusing only on Heeseung, his soft gaze, furrowed eyebrows, gentle voice, even gentler touch, god how you would end up dead without him.

“You’re okay, everything is fine.”

Your eyes seem to long for something more than that from him, blinking up with a certain gloss that tugs on his heartstrings. As if to read your mind, your eyes, Heeseung tugs you closer to him, hands now caging your cheeks in his palms.

Heeseung takes your hands in his once more, sticking your palm out in front of him. He presses his own large palms against yours, aligning your fingers together. Your heart softens, softly linking your fingers together softly. His hands felt warm, comforting, as if to reassure you that he’s there for you, that he validates you and cares for you.

“You’re doing so well, I’m so proud of you. Can you tell me what’s wrong now, baby?”

You tell him what’s wrong, you tell him of your never ending stress of that week, sniffling softly every time you remember all your unfinished works. He reassures you that your own mental health matters much more, reassures you that you’re not pathetic, or weak, or a failure, but it’s human to not be able to handle so much.

Lee Heeseung, who painted your shoes and your life, who brought you pure happiness and comfort, you don’t think you could ever live a proper life without him.

A week later, 2 of your essays have an extended due date, you actually pass your exams, and best of all, you’re at a bakery, eating and talking nonsense about donuts bringing heaven down to earth with the only person who ever made you feel validated.

#enhypennetwork #lee heeseung #lee heeseung imagines #lee heeseung fluff #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung scenarios #lee heeseung blurbs #lee heeseung drabbles #lee heeseung angst #enhypen #enhypen imgaines #enhypen x reader #enhypen fluff #enhypen scenarios #enhypen blurbs #enhypen drabbles #enhypen angst

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that-was-anticlimactic · 3 years

Text

reki with tourette’s headcanons

[ID: it’s reki from sk8 the infinity wearing a yellow sweatshirt with his hands on his hips. he’s wearing a red bracelet on his right wrist and he’s smiling. behind him is a touette’s syndrome awareness flag. end ID.]

so. @zukkaclawthorne got me hooked on reki with ts and now imma post headcanons i wrote oops

okay so first—that little skateboard he plays with??? stim toy, actually.

he likes the sound the wheels make—that whirrrrrr sound. it makes his arms flappy :)

he also finds the rolling motion soothing and relaxing and it always calms him down—it takes his mind to a happy place

he rocks back and forth and shakes his legs a lot. that also contributed to why he was terrible at skateboarding the first few times he tried—because his body would be like “time to rock back and forth!” and it would mess him up

neck twitches for days :)

no but for real—neck twitching is one of his worst tics because sometimes—if he’s in a bad mood or if he’s sad or anxious—it gets harsh and violent and really strains his neck.

so, langa gives him neck / upper back neck massages to help with the pain

he went through this phase for a couple of months where whenever his neck would twitch, he would snap his fingers two times.

he has a lot of hand tics which can be stressful when he makes skateboards because sometimes he’ll be in the groove and then suddenly he’ll mess something up

speaking of messing things up, he has a tendency to dig the bottom of his palm into his forehead whenever he feels like he does something stupid—he doesn’t even realize it until someone points it out.

he feels like even more of a failure of a skater because of his tics because they can hold him back and make the course more dangerous.

if his blinking tic resurfaces, sometimes the blinking gets so intense that he literally cannot see for anywhere between five seconds and a minute depending on how bad it is. that is how he got some of his worst scars.

or sometimes he’ll make a really aggressive hand motion and it throws him off balance on the skateboard due to the intensity

anyways back to hand tics: he points a lot and does symbols like the “rock on” sign or certain numbers (for some reason, the most common number for reki to throw up is four—though sometimes he throws up whatever number he hears) he also grunts a lot as a tic so he sounds angry even when he is’t.

sometimes, his hand tics really hurt and his hands become shaky and his fingers start to feel the way his heart feels when he’s anxious. langa helps in different ways—he holds reki’s hand, he gives him something to fidget with to try to distract him (sometimes it’s his own fingers—he’ll just set them in reki’s palm and be like “let me carry some of the pain”—no, reki didn’t totally cry when he said that what)

sometimes, reki sticks pencils in his ears. his teachers have been trying to stop it since he was young, but he always did it anyways—he couldn’t help it.

his hair is also long enough for him to chew on. yes, he chews on the tips of his hair because i say so. sometimes, to stop him from doing that (and from swallowing his own hair), langa will try to make him laugh so it falls out of his mouth and then he’ll scoot close and tuck the hair behind reki’s ears… once they start dating, he kisses him too. but also that’s one reason why he wears the headband—to try to keep his hair out of his face so he doesn’t chew on it.

reki’s favorite form of stimming (other than his skateboard toy, that is) is stress balls. he’s got a couple of stress balls in his room or backpack—even one with string attached so he can carry it around his wrist. he just really likes the texture of them.

after his second race against adam, cherry and joe were so proud of him and also impressed and worried dads that they bought reki a big stress ball, like, the size of a stuffed animal. it was a blue cat. he uses it all the time.

speaking of fricking adam, we all know he would so use reki’s tics against him during a race. like, when he grabbed his wrist and “danced” with him, he would mock reki’s tics or say creepy things about how his verbal tics are music and his motor tics are him dancing along and it makes him so uncomfortable and like even more shaken

oh and adam purposely does things to trigger his tics, like when i mentioned that number tic??? yeah, adam will purposefully say numbers to make reki do the hand gestures

one time, reki wanted to tell langa that he loved him but got nervous so he signed it in sign language instead. but, since reki’s tics are occasionally hand gestures, langa thought that it was just a tic and mentally was like “i wish that was for me…” and reki is like “i wish he knew it was real…” and joe, cherry, shadow, and miya are all facepalming and groaning at their obliviousness

reki prefers taking hand written notes to electronic notes because he draws / doodles to stim and he can’t really doodle well on a laptop. so, he’ll doodle in class all of the time

sometimes, his pictures / notes turn out pretty bad / illegible depending on how bad his tics are, but that doesn’t phase reki. it used to when he was younger, but it doesn’t bother him at all anymore. in fact, he thinks it adds personality

during class, he’ll draw pictures for langa and slid them on his desk. they’re usually really random things like the teacher or the back of someone’s head or squiggly lines or whatever he sees outside. more often than not, it’s abstract art. langa loves these drawings and he keeps them all on his desk in his room.

reki also started drawing pictures for the rest of the sk8 crew and gives it to them during races. when he gave everyone their first doodle, he was like “i’m not the best artist ever and sometimes my tics mess up the doodle, but i thought of you while i drew it so i want you to have it”

(shadow didn’t shed a couple of unwilling dad tears when he got home that night what)

anyways, they all keep them. every single one. miya puts them in their school binder so they don’t feel as alone / isolated at school.

although shadow and miya give reki a lot of crap / teasing about not being as good as everyone else, the second they hear anyone comment about “the weird red head that makes noises” and comments on his ts in a negative way, oh, they will stop you.

sometimes, reki whispers words he hears under his breath as a tic (echolalia, baby~) and when he overhears people saying stuff about “that redhead that always follows snow around” or about him not being good enough or how he’s an idiot to face adam, he ends up muttering that too. and it’s not a one and done kind of thing—like. he does it for days. it makes him so upset (and i already hc him, with depression so it just makes it worse)

having tics while having injuries is not a good combination—especially if it’s with a broken arm. the crew made sure to keep an eye of reki’s comfort / pain level after adam broke his arm and literally tried to kill him in their final race. joe let reki squeeze his hand whenever he felt the urge to tic and cherry would ask him how much pain he was in after he ticced and depending on how bad it would be, would make joe or shadow fetch a heating pad or an icepack for reki.

joe also taught reki about the magical thing called physical therapy tape and helped him put it on his shoulders, neck, and back one time. it was his idea to use the tape on reki’s fingers when he was injured to make him feel better (because it literally makes my fingers feel better)

also langa kisses each of reki’s fingers and knuckles, slowly and tenderly, soft so he doesn’t hurt him or trigger a tic. a way of showing that he loves him not despite his tics, but even with his tics and that he loves him and his tics.

cherry isn’t always the best at showing he cares, so he’ll wear a ts ribbon sometimes in a way to show support (and it makes reki beam)

shadow once gave reki a flower shaped stress ball because there were “extra at work” (not true—he went looking for one)

miya didn’t really know much about ts at first and asked why reki made those noises and made weird movements all the time and langa explained so then that night when miya got home, they did research on ts so they could understand it better. later, they told reki that whenever they called him a slime, they meant it purely about skateboarding and it had nothing to do with his tics—even that his tics didn’t make him less of a skater

all his life, reki had been the different one: the one no one wanted on the team because sometimes his tics messed him up, the one who was asked to leave classes during tests because his tics were too distracting and made him take the test in the hall, when sometimes he’d get too overwhelmed by how close people were in the halls or at races and would have panic attacks, how he rocked in his chair and adjusted his position seventeen times an hour and sat on his feet while the other kids didn’t, how he shook his legs more aggressively than others, how he couldn’t skate as well as everyone else because of his tics and because he wasn’t good enough

which is probably part of the depression that weighs on his shoulders

the first time reki had a panic attack during a race due to closeness and overstimulating noises (and this is the first one after the sk8 crew happened) langa was racing and wasn’t there to help, so shadow kind of panicked and like picked him up under the armpits and carried him away from the crowd since reki could barely process anything other than panic and the sound and feeling of static and they sat in shadow’s car for the rest of the race and once he felt better, he gave shadow a huge hug and shadow returned it.

one time it happened and cherry was nearby and he saw the signs before it got bad (remembered from the previous time / his own experiences) and helped talk reki down before it got bad (he has a soothing voice)

usually, though, when / if it happens (because reki usually feels safe there), langa is the one who helps

but it got so much worse after skating against adam the first time because he no longer felt safe and suddenly everyone cheering adam’s name even after witnessing what he did to reki was too much but langa was racing adam so langa wasn’t there and this time it was joe who kneeled in front of him and started talking just loud enough for reki to hear and he was like “you’re safe—we won’t let anyone hurt you. we won’t let him hurt langa. you’re safe. i’m here and so is cherry and shadow and miya and langa will be waiting for you at the end of the race…”

it happens again at the next race he goes to—and this time it’s miya who notices and they tug on langa’s sleeve and is like “i think you need to take reki somewhere else” and langa does :)

okay i’ll end on a positive ts note or two—langa asks reki to add the ts ribbon to the design on his skateboard

shadow finds chewelry at the store one day when he’s shopping and buys it for reki (and gets a matching one for langa!)

once reki came back after his mental health break, the first thing joe said to him was, and this is nonnegotiable “reki! i missed you and your tics!”

miya once overheard reki muttering to himself about his annoying tics were, so they intervened and was like “your tics aren’t annoying. they’re you and anyone who think s they’re annoying is an idiot”

and for the first time in his life, reki doesn’t feel alone and isolated and so different from everyone (at least, he’s working on that last one) and he’s finally found a group of people who want him on their team and a boyfriend who always supports him and makes him feel less isolated, tics and all <3

i uhh I have a lot of feelings,,,

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