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archangeldyke-all · 4 months

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doing asks publicly makes me so nervous but i'm gonna do it anywayssss. i sent you a couple of asks but you said you didn't get it so im gonna send you this one that i've been thinking about for a hot minute-- i think its really cute like omgmgggg ANYWAYS

sevika with a younger (20s) vampire reader who watches her from afar and leaves her really pretty vintage looking gifts, romantic poems, and cute love notes? basically just the reader leaving stuff that sevi takes an interest in!! i'd love for this to be with a black reader if possible <3

this is so cuteeee!!

a quick note and disclaimer before we start! i don't know much about vampire lore, just the very basic stuff, so i apologize if this isn't the exact vampire vibe you were hoping for, or if i get some things wrong, i'm mostly just guessing hahah. also! i'm white, and i'll try my best to make this an obviously black reader without shoving it down your throat, but if i get anything wrong, please lmk and i'll fix it right away :)

men and minors dni

zaun is a great place for a vampire to live. sunlight rarely reaches the low levels of the city, leaving you free to roam whenever you want, day or night.

additionally, the abundance of crime and violence, as well as the lack of any real help from piltover, means that the occasional dead body (both human and animal) with puncture wounds in their necks go relavitely unnoticed.

it's these reasons that made you decide to settle down in zaun for a while.

it's sevika that made you decide to stay.

you've never met the woman, at least not traditionally, but that doesn't mean you don't know her.

the first time the two of you crossed paths was one late night in the dingy streets of the lanes.

you were starving, out searching for a rat or cat or maybe even a man harassing some poor girl to sink your fangs into. you had wandered away from your usual haunts and toward the newly re-furbished 'last drop.'

rumor had it that the new owner had some shady dealings on the side. you figured it'd be a good as place as any to catch a scumbag in action, or maybe find someone so drugged out on shimmer they wouldn't notice waking up the next morning with a pint of blood or so missing.

as you approached the bar, the few stragglers out this late grew into a rambunctious crowd. you grinned, ducking into a dark alley, licking your lips in anticipation of your next meal.

it took no time at all for you to find your target. a crowd was standing outside the bar, laughing and goofing off as they played with a handful of dice and passed around some cigars and joints. a girl in the crowd kept winning, and you watched as one of the men she was with grew more and more irritated as she continued to pick up her winnings.

the second he put his hand on her in an attempt to pull her back and backhand her, your fangs descended, knowing you'd found your guy. you ducked out of the alley, reaching out to grab the man by the bicep and pull him toward a shadowy corner.

but before you could touch him, he was being harshly pulled away from the young woman and thrown on the pavement.

you paused in the mouth of the alleyway, watching with increasing interest as a tall, strong woman towered over the man, glaring down at him.

she was smirking. you found yourself smirking too.

"what did i tell you about hitting women in my bar?" she rasped out. the man on the pavement beneath her pissed himself, his pants quickly growing dark as he shook in fear. the crowd he was with had dispersed, but a few eyes were watching and shaking their heads in admonishment of the man.

"i-i'm not in the bar sevika, we're outside!" the pathetic man cried. the woman above him laughed, and you watched in fascination as a blade slowly descended from her red poncho. he squealed.

"i swear i won't do it again!" he tried, scrambling away on his back as he tried to evade the woman. she smiled down at him, chuckling as she shook her head.

"no." she said. "you won't."

in a flash, the blade at her side swung down across his neck.

your stomach growled as the smell of blood drifted over to where you hid, and your loins stirred as you watched the woman keep eye contact with the man until his sputtering and twitching halted, and he died. she spat beside him, then turned to walk back into the bar. her bar, apparently.

when no one was looking, you quickly drug the body to the alleyway. his neck was tattered, but you were able to get a pretty decent feed by draining his arms at his wrists.

and after cleaning your mouth, relishing in the warmth quickly pumping through your body, you entered the bar, and spent the rest of the night in a dark corner, your eyes trained on the strong woman as she made rounds around the bar, occasionally pausing to join a game of cards or drink a whiskey.

since then, you've spent almost every night watching her.

you've learned a lot about her since you started watching her. like how in public, while she's at work, she carries herself around with a straight spine and no-nonsense attitude. but while she's at home, alone in her apartment, she's softer. she likes reading, especially romance novels. and she trades out her whiskey for a sweet white wine when she's really into a book.

she sleeps on her side, facing the door like she's ready for the first sound of danger. there have been a few times that she's left her window cracked and you've carefully floated in through her curtains, hovering beside her as you watch her breathe.

you've touched her once, running your finger down the pretty blue scars on her face. she had shifted and murmured, but hadn't woken up, seemingly not finding your presence threatening.

she smells incredibly fucking tantalizing.

not in the way humans usually smell attractive-- like blood and sweat and life. no, she smells better. she smells warm.

warm like whiskey and vanilla wraps for her cigarillos. warm like the brown sugar body wash she uses, warm like the wool of her favorite poncho.

you swore to yourself you wouldn't act on your attraction. you swore to yourself you'd just watch-- not interact.

but then, one night as you were watching sevika eat a cold, lonely dinner in her apartment, she broke down into tears.

your heart broke. you almost revealed yourself to her, just to wrap her up in your arms and press a kiss to her head.

and when she went to sleep that night, you just had to do something to make her feel a little better.

you quickly rushed down the street to the convenience store down the street, and bought the biggest bag of cheesy chips you could find. (you've watched the woman back away cheesy chips like she was preparing for hibernation-- you knew she'd like them.)

you left them on her welcome mat.

(and though you weren't there to see it, the next morning while sevika was leaving for work and she tripped over the bag, she stared at them in confusion for about three minutes, before a soft, sweet smile pulled up at the corners of her lips.)

the next night, when you came back to watch her through her window, you were thrilled to find the bag of chips half empty and sitting on her counter.

since then, you've given up on any and all semblance that you wouldn't interact with the woman.

your gifts have gotten increasingly intense.

they started with little snacks and trinkets left on her doorstep. but after the first time you saw her reaction, a little happy smile when she opened the door to a chocolate candy bar, your heart soared, and you gave up on keeping your gifts casual.

you started leaving bottles of her favorite whiskey.

then, the wine she sneaks when she's alone.

she was hesitant to open it. it sat on her counter for a week, like she was suspicious of the gift. but, eventually, she gave in and cracked the bottle open.

once she got used to her bottles, you took it up another notch. flowers from time to time. ointments and balms for all the cuts and bruises she's always coming home with. scented candles for her home, more blankets for her bed. (she's always shivering.)

one day you notice the shoelaces in her boots are fraying and old. so you bring her new ones.

one evening, you watch as she finished her smutty novel, then pout at her bookshelves when she realizes she's already read everything else on it. you bought her a series she didn't own yet.

you've even taken to getting dolled up before your nightly visits to her apartment, like she'll see you.

you feel ridiculous each time you apply your body butter and lay down your baby hairs just to watch a woman who doesn't know you exist sleep for a few hours, but you can't help yourself from the compulsion.

it's only when you start using her bodywash scent in your shower so you can always smell a bit like her that you finally admit to yourself that you might be a little bit in love with the woman.

just a little bit. (right?)

you start reading her romance novels in your free time, renting them out from the library and tearing through them in hours.

you're thrilled to find that all of them happen to feature two female leads.

you're also struck by the fact that her favorites-- the ones she reaches for time and time again-- all feature some sort of love letter confession.

so you make a plan.

it goes like this:

on week one, you start signing your presents with a simple "your secret admirer."

on week two, you leave a rose with every offering you bring.

(sevika keeps them all, hanging them upside down from her window so they preserve themselves.)

on week three, you start adding little notes to your gifts.

"your smile takes my breath away" (even though you don't really breathe anymore.)

"i hope silco doesn't piss you off today" (even though he pisses her off every day.)

"i wish i could sleep beside you every night" (even though you don't need sleep. you'd just like to hold her, protect her from whatever she's so scared of.)

and then, on week four, you decide to give her a letter. a full blown, totally honest confession about everything she's made you feel these past few months.

only-- something happens.

the night before you're meant to deliver the letter on her front mat, you feed off of a street rat. rat blood isn't nearly as satisfying as human blood, but you like to avoid actual murder when you can.

but this rat must have been poisoned, because you wake up with lead in your stomach and a hangover you haven't had since you turned.

you've accidentally ingested rat poison before. and while nothing can technically kill you, a whole lot of shit can make you horrifically sick until the blood works it's way out of your system.

so you have to put the plan on hold for a week.

on day one, you just lie in bed in agony.

on day two, you start shivering.

on day three, you manage to vomit up whatever of the blood remains in your stomach.

and today, day four, you wake up crying.

you miss sevika. as stupid as it sounds, she's been the most entertaining part of your life in... centuries.

and you can't see her. and you can't give her your letter. because you pass out each time you try to walk farther from the bed to the bathroom.

you groan at the ceiling as your stomach rumbles again.

"being a vampire fucking sucks!" you cry to your cat. she purrs in your lap and you sigh. "i can't eat food, i can't go in the sun, i've got all these stupid heightened senses-- and what's the point of being immortal if i can still get fucking sick?" you cry. your cat opens one eye to glare at you for interrupting her nap, before she rises and jumps down from your bed, running away.

"and now you're abandoning me in my time of need!" you wail after your cat.

there's a knock at the door.

you groan as you crawl out of bed-- your body is too weak to do any sort of flying right now-- and wander into the living room.

you're certain it's a neighbor, here to yell at you again for yelling at your cat.

but when you swing open the door, you almost pass out at the sight of sevika smirking on your doorstep.

you scream, leaping backwards, quickly snatching a blanket off the couch to wrap around your three day old soiled pajamas, and then gasp when you remember you have your bonnet on.

you reach up to pull it off-- then think better of it, knowing your hair's likely a mess beneath it. you haven't taken it off in days.

"uh." you squeak. sevika smiles at you.

"hey." she says. you blink, reaching up to rub your eyes, certain this is a poison induced hallucination. it's not, apparently.

"uh." you say again. sevika chuckles, then makes to enter your apartment.

"the rule is that vampires gotta ask to come inside your home, not the other way around, right?" she asks as she steps over the threshold to your apartment. you gulp.

"uhm..." you say, backing up until your back hits a wall.

sevika looks down at herself and shrugs. "i look fine. i guess i was right." she says. you squeak, and she smirks up at you. "i've missed you, y'know. got used to your little gifts." she says.

you gulp and blink again, trying to clear the apparition before you. sevika remains.

"today's the fourth day in a row i haven't heard from my secret admirer-- i got worried for you." she says.

you clear your throat and search for words. nothing comes up. eventually, you manage to say something, a shaky, nervous, "h-how?"

sevika grins.

"c'mon. i'm second in command to the eye of zaun, babe, i got eyes and ears everywhere."

"w-when--?" you try again. sevika laughs.

"since your first gift. i knew i felt someone watching me outside my window, i felt like i was going fucking crazy! then you left those cheesy chips, and i realized maybe whoever was watching me wasn't a threat." she says.

you squeak again, and sevika giggles.

"plus, i caught you a couplea times." she says. "you're not as stealthy as you think you are."

you pass out.

when you wake up, sevika's sitting on your couch, your head in her lap, your cat in yours. she smiles down at you. "welcome back." she says. you groan.

"this is humiliating." you mumble as you try to sit up. sevika keeps you pinned to her lap with a hand to your shoulder and you're too weak to fight her off.

"it's cute." she says with a shrug.

"i've been stalking you!" you say. she just laughs again.

"yeah, but you're cute. and harmless. and-- i'm not sure, but i've read a couple vampire romances-- isn't this your freaky way of courting me?" she asks. you groan at the cheesy wording but nod anyways.

"yeah." you mumble. sevika just chuckles.

it's quiet for a few minutes, and then sevika reaches down to grab your hand. "well..." she says. you blink up at her in confusion. "are you gonna court me or what?" she asks. you blink.

"wha-- seriously?!" you ask. she nods and shrugs.

"gimmie your best shot." she says. you smile, the horrible sickness in your body fading as a giddy feeling starts bubbling up in your stomach. you rise from the couch, rushing to your room to grab the letter, then running back into the living room, thrusting the letter into her hands. "i know you like corny love letters-- it's in all your favorite books." you admit shyly as you hand it to her. she grins.

"you read my books?"

"not yours. copies from the library." you say, shrugging. sevika smiles, then opens the letter.

it's quiet as her eyes scan the pages, the same little furrow in her brow coming up that always appears when she reads.

you bite back a gasp. you've never seen it so close-up before. she's so fucking beautiful, you have to clench your hands at your side to keep from reaching out and touching her.

when she's done, she looks up from your letter with tears in her eyes. you gulp.

"are you okay?" you ask. she swipes her eyes and nods.

"y-yeah." she whispers, a little waver in her voice. you melt, sinking back down on the couch beside her and wrapping your arms around her like you've been dying to do for months now.

sevika laughs in your arms, wrapping hers back around you then hissing when she feels how cold you are. you giggle.

sevika pulls away after a moment, her eyes locked on your lips.

"so... tell me about those fangs of yours." she says. you blink.

"w-what about them?" you ask.

"like, are they always descended or can you control it or...?" she asks. you gulp and shrug.

"i can control it." you say. she smiles.

"so, if i was to kiss you right now, you wouldn't slice my lip off by accident?" she asks. you laugh disbelievingly, then you scoot away from her.

"i--i'm sick." you say. she laughs.

"yeah, i gathered." she says, pointing at your wrinkled clothes and the bags under your eyes. "vampire sickness can't transfer to humans though." she says. you scoff.

"how do you know?" you ask. she shrugs and chuckles.

"i don't, i just really want to kiss you."

you gulp, a shaky sigh escaping your lips, before you tentatively lean forward and press your lips against sevika's.

she hums against you, and then she reaches out, grabs you by your pajama shirt, and hauls you into her lap. you squeak against her lips, and she licks into your mouth, moaning against you.

when she pulls away, you gulp at the powerful, fast pounding of her heart that you can hear from beside her.

"woah." you whisper. she smiles. "so... is that a yes?" you ask, referring to your letter. sevika snorts and lets out a bright laugh, and your heart fucking melts.

"definitely a yes, baby." she says, swooping in to kiss you again.

taglist!

@lesbeaniegreenie @fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki

#sevika #sevika imagine #sevika arcane #sevika x reader #sevika x you #soft sevika

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callsign-relic · 7 months

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loving the idea of a mech like skyfire accidentally finding a poor human who looks like a poor drowned rat having just escaped their mech after being spat out, skyfire carefully taking them home to get cleaned up.

The giant had scooped you out of the discarded energon glass you had managed to find yourself trapped in only minutes after you had been spat out onto a bar counter and forgotten about,

No matter how many gestures towards the ground you made, no matter the noises coming from your mouth the mech didn’t place you down, cradling you close to his chest as he rubbed a thumb against your cheek in a comforting manner.

he took you to his equivalent to a house, and towards what could be a sink. He deposited you inside, only after blocking the drain, your heart hammered in your chest as you glanced desperately around your smooth prison. A shadow descended over the sink and you screeched flailing backwards as a towel descended upon you, no amount of thrashing could prevent yourself from being swallowed up by the towel like a stubborn cat.

wrapped in the towel burrito you were pulled from the sink, eyes wide in terror as the mech placed your comfortably restrained form onto the counter gently freeing one arm from the fluffy confines and wiping it down with a damp cloth. You squirmed and thrashed against the plush restraints watching as another mech entered the room, red optics glaring down at you from over the gentle giants shoulder.

DHSHSHSHSHA AAAHHHHH YESSSSS THIS WAS SO GOOD

I love the contrast of being cleaned up and comforted against your will HAHAH. And OOOUGHHH STARSCREAM SHOWING UP AT THE ENDDD AAAHHH

Man it’s funny too cause today I had an idea for a Skyfire fic as well 😈 though not entirely placed within the au, it’s still vore hahaha. So that will be posted once it’s done 😈 but anyways AAAHH your descriptiveness was amazing AHAHA

#relic answers #tasty au

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nani-nonny · 10 months

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So in the new WSD ch.

" the poor teen found Leonardo passed out like a drunk in the kiddie pool with a water bottle in hand. Not the Resistance Leader’s most glorious moment " bro i imagined a drunk dad who slept after heavy drinking, there's no way his brothers won't tease him about this XD

“I-I mean, Master Leonardo. Do you hate me for comparing you to my teacher? Not ‘dad’, I didn’t say ‘dad’.” OOOHHH~ NO WONDER HE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL OLDER LEO/hj 😂🥰

" But now it just made everything worse. He made the call to close the portal on Casey’s dad . God, he’s the worst. " god leo has an ability to drag the angst train for years it's impressive.

" Leonardo doesn’t have any belongings to pack for the walk home, except for the kiddie pool and rubber duckies " be prepared for to be embarrassed by 4 little turtles, 1 human girl and 1 3 foot rat xD

“What Purple doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” OF COURSE!! SOMETHING I HAD DONE AS A KID XD

Leonardo passed out in a kiddie pool is a casual Saturday night with the boys/j

But I just know they’re cackling in the abyss, pointing and laughing and wishing they had their cameras

I’m so embarrassed for Casey Jr because that’s so awkward to tell Little Blue he is a father in the future

To be fair, Blue’s guilt is very, very heavy hahah a simple talk with the big man won’t completely make it go away

They’d name off the duckies for him and tell him to make sure they all get a nice rinse!

#whispers of distant souls #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #nani nonny answers

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slashingdisneypasta · 3 years

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Horror Villains and: The Shovel Talk

Who gives a successful shovel talk and is fully willing to go through with the threats at the slightest WHIFF of tomfoolery:

Bo Sinclair: He’ll be waiting on the porch all night with his gun and the dog.

Debbie Loomis: Oh, you want to date her perfect boy?? Hmmmm…

Granny Boone: She may also stalk y’all.

Inkubus: He’s very unsettling in his performance.

Jedidiah Sawyer: The date may not survive the shovel talk with Jed.

Mayor Buckman: Boone’s better at it, but he sure as heck tries.

Pamela Voorhees: She will want to see some kind of resume and at least 3 references if you want to date Jason.

Sheriff Hoyt: Dear god I wouldn’t want to be whoever he’s threatening. He takes great joy in performing the traditional shovel *cough* or shotgun *cough* talk.

The Clown / Kenneth Chase / Jeffrey Hawke: He only half means it, but goddamn is he good at it.

The Deathslinger / Caleb Quinn: Can you imagine this man standing there before you with that big ass gnarly looking weapon telling you that if he hears even one tiny unpleasant thing about the date he will hunt you down?! Dear god. Save yourself. and ‘mark me down as scared and horny’ XD Haha

Thomas Hewitt: He’ll be keeping an eye, out…

Who is the second family member / friend / whatever, who feels bad for the person who’s getting the shovel talk and tries to cool the situation:

Lester Sinclair: Well with Bo as the shovel talker, it has to even out somehow and Lester is happy to try!

Who is the second family member / friend / whatever, who doesn’t give a rats ass. Leave them alone.:

Michael Myers: He’s busy eating… don’t ask what, though. THEN you might get a threat.

Patrick Bateman: “Whatever.”

Piper Shaw: “Yeah uhuh, okay. Have fun.” *Doesn’t even look up from her laptop*)

Roman Bridger: He’s too busy directing movies and running a Wes Craven horror franchise to give shovel talks!?

Who is the second family member / friend / whatever who is edging on the angry shovel talker for their own enjoyment:

Midnight Man: Well he’s just mischievous bastard, isn’t he?

Both Pennywise’: Cheeky little shits.

The Djinn: Oh, he is just hanging totally onto the hope you’ll say something like “Oh, how could this possibly get any worse?”

The Man from Hush: Because he’s an ass.

Who stalks the couple instead of giving a shovel talk:

Stuart Lloyd: He’s at a table in the back of the restaurant trying to act natural.

The Huntress / Anna: But she gives the shovel talk AS WELL. She’s just, you know, making sure.

Who gives the shovel talk but is joking:

Chop Top Sawyer: *Cuts off mid shovel talk into raucous laughter* “Pfftttt, I can’t do this, hahahahahaha… Have fun kiddos, and here have a joint I pre-rolled.”

Who fails at giving the shovel talk:

Bubba Sawyer: He got cut off by one of his other brother’s. Sigh.

Who received the shovel talk:

Billy Loomis: Ohhhh, boy. If only Neil had caught Billy in Sydney’s room that night…

Jennifer Check: She really doesn’t care, though, hahah.

Jerry Dandridge: He’s so polite and understanding and smarmy with the shovel talker, cuz he knows he could kill everyone in the room easily in under a minute.

Kieran Wilcox: Probably from his own Dad, honestly.

Mickey Altieri: He also gives good natured shovel talks for the price of one big coffee- I mean come on, he’s in college. He’s struggling. He needs caffeine.

Who was about to receive the shovel talk, then had the person just gives up:

Carrie White: Shovel Talker: “This small golden thing would never hurt a soul, what am I doing?? Oh my god, it’s trembling, I’m a monster- “

Leslie Vernon: Shovel talker can’t decide whether this is a secret thirst machine or a cinnamon bun.

Who gave up giving the shovel talk halfway through:

Drayton Sawyer: “-Aghh, what do I care. Don’t get shit on your good dress shirt.”

Who got the shovel:

Freddy Krueger: Just, you know. Shovels- right to the knees.

Stu Macher: I mean Sydney got it done but Cece and Tatum are gonna throttle him in the afterlife, too.

Who gave the shovel talk… then got the shovel from someone else:

Chucky Lee Ray: You can’t tell me if Tiffany’s mother was in the picture she wouldn’t have shot Chucky in the face at least once by now.

Is the poor lead who’s date is getting the damn shovel talk:

Jason Voorhees: I betcha he would also give a great shovel talk, too.

Jill Roberts: Her and her innocent little act. Standing there like ?? what?? Why are you threatening my date?? This is so embarrassing…

Vincent Sinclair: Oh my god, he cannot bring (Or sneak) anyone home, friend or what, without Bo sniffing them out and starting on his bullshit. Lester immediately behind him making jokes that are ignored.

*Then there’s Luda Mae,

Who is probably the one who feels sorry for the person who’s getting the shovel talk when it comes to Thomas (While Hoyt gives the talk), but who then GIVES a threatening shovel talk to Charlie when he brings a gal home. Not to the date though XD

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figonas · 3 years

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Twilight Re-watch Notes Pt. 1 - A Contest for the Worst Movie Quote in History

I'd like to think I'm funny so please enjoy my scene-by-scene notes from a recent Twilight Saga re-watch.

Hey Catherine Hardwicke, opening with the death of an animal was probably not the best choice but go off I guess??

There is a lot of general Bella awkwardness that I'm skipping over here but the scene in gym class is so horrifically, painfully uncomfortable that I almost passed out from the second-hand embarrassment.

Jessica trying her best to be fake nice to the human embodiment of a crumpled soda can: "Aren't people from Arizona like....really tan"

Bella with all the cadence of a child who just found out Santa isn't real: "yeah..I guess that's why they kicked me out"

Mike clearly just trying to get his dick wet: "HAHAH you are funny"

no mike she is not.

I'm not gonna go into the biology class scene because god knows tumblr has beaten that particular horse to death. BUT the scene in the administration office immediately after that is a TRIP. Edward has one of his most dramatic lines here when they won't let him switch classes: “I’ll just have to endure it” ?!?!?!?!?!?! This is INSANITY, he sounds like he's going to burst into tears like Edward please chill you aren't even being a little subtle.

I will never get over Bella trying to put Ketchup on her burger and then just???? giving up???? when it doesn't come out after she limply shakes it approximately once.

“HOW YOU LIKIN DA RAIN GIRL” Is our first contender for the worst and most unnatural line in movie history, and trust me there are plenty more.

Bella accusatorily saying “you were gone” to Edward as if this dude who she met for approximately 30 minutes 2 weeks ago owes her even a PALTRTY SCRAP of an explanation about anything???????

Actually, this whole scene is a horrific nightmare of awkward intrusive conversation:

“You’re asking me about the weather” HOE WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER

“hey did you get contacts” WHO JUST ASKS THAT?!?

and of course; “it’s the fluorescents” [RUNS AWAY]

Charlie and Bella have the only organic-sounding dialogue in the entire movie. Any awkwardness they have is BELIEVABLE father-daughter awkwardness and not like "I'm being forced to film this against my will" awkwardness like every other exchange in this film series.

Bella asks Edward ALL OF ONCE about him saving her from the truck and Edward gets so haughty and smug thinking that Bella won't figure it out

“you’re not gonna let this go are you?” “no” “then I hope you enjoy disappointment” [storms off] MY DUDE LITERALLY 2 SCENES LATER SHE FIGURES IT OUT IN 3 GOOGLE CLICKS

“I had an adrenaline rush, it’s very common you can google it” contender number two for the terrible dialogue award.

Edward saying “if you were smart you would stay away from me” AFTER HE APPROACHED HER LIKE FUCK OFF [skeleton throwing its own skull gif]

Kstew got a lot of flack for her performance in this movie but when she has a good partner to exchange lines with she SHINES. The scene with Angela and her at the beach where she tells her to ask Eric to prom is GOOD. EVERY scene with Charlie in THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE is GOOD. It is nothing but pure misogyny that Rpatz didn’t catch any flack for his truly, horrifically awkward performance

I cannot believe Stephanie thought it would be a good idea to have Edward save Bella from potentially getting gang r*ped like I get it girl is about the drama but still this is just a TOOOUCH too far

“your hand is so cold,” WHO SAYS THIS TO SOMEONE THEY BARELY KNOW COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED???

SHE TRIES TO REFUSE CARRYING BEAR MACE WHEN SHE WAS ALMOST R*PED NOT 4 HOURS PREVIOUSLY LIKE SIS CARRY A KNIFE?!?!?!?!?

The “you’re impossibly fast & strong” monologue is so bad I want to barf

“I’ve killed people before” “doesn’t matter” BITCH YES IT DOES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

“MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN” IS SO BAD. Like we all recognize how bad this is right? Especially when one considered the target demographic for these films, i.e. teenage girls, have NO FUCKING FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR THIS WHAT.SO.EVER.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb” YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ALL OF 3 SECONDS I CAN’T WITH Y'ALL. AT LEAST THE BOOK HAD SOME BUILD-UP JESUS GEEZUS

Who thought this meadow scene was a good idea, they need to be sent straight to hell. WHY ARE THEY LAYING DOWN LIKE, SIT MAYBE?????? IT’S SO WEIRD AND UNNATURAL THEY LOOK LIKE DOLLS I HATE IT

The scene where they get out of the car and Edward puts his arm around Bella while Spotlight by Mutemath plays in the background is TOP TIER teen drama bs and I love it. Far and away the best shot in the movie apart from The Baseball Scene(TM).

I will never get over the fact that Edward's bitch ass rats Bella out for already eating when she comes over to meet his family. BE FUCKING COOL EDWARD FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GOD!!!

Esme is too pure for this world I can’t deal with her, & Emmet waving the knife is my favorite thing in all 5 of these movies

Why tf are Alice and Jasper fucking off doing god knows what in a tree and not helping with dinner like everyone else? Y'all ain't special even Rosalie is helping

Esme talking to Rosalie “Clean this up..now” I LOVE YOU BE MY MOM

Earlier they talk about the fact that vampires don’t sleep BUT the first thing Bella says when she walks into Edward's room is “no bed” girl we know what you after you ain't slick.....

WHAT IS THIS DANCING SCENE IN HIS BEDROOM IT’S HORRIBLE TO WATCH and I want to find whoever thought “well I could always make you” was a good line for Edward to say and slap them directly in the mouth.

“hold on tight spider monkey” excuse me while I VOMIT

Mike offering his opinion on Bella dating Edward HOWEVER justified is automatically invalidated by A. his own romantic interest in Bella and B. the fact that he has also know Bella for all of 10 minutes & has no bearing on her personal life whatsoever

THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS THIS MAN HAS BEEN COMING INTO HER ROOM AND WATCHING HER SLEEP THIS IS RED FLAG CITY LIKE BELLA WATCH A TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY OR READ THE NEWS FOR FUCKS SAKE

THIS FRANCHISE HAS THE MOST HORRIBLE KISSING SCENES IN MOVIE HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN HEAR LITERALLY EVERY BREATH, EVERY AWKWARD PRESS OF LIPS. You're telling me THIS was the best take of this???? CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW AWKWARD THIS WAS TO FILM

The whole scene when Bella is telling her dad about her date with Edward is absolutely god tier. Charlie snapping the barrel of the shotgun closed, him motioning that he has a halo on, asking her if she still has her pepper spray. BILLY BURKE LIFTED THIS MOVIE UP AND TRIED SO HARD TO CARRY IT ON HIS BROAD, MUSTACHIOED DAD SHOULDERS, WE STAN

WHERE TO START WITH THE BASEBALL SCENE:

Supermassive Black Hole in the background, Alice going AWF with her pitching, Rosalie getting all pissed when Bella says she's out and Emmett yells "c'mon babe it's just a game" like the puppy dog of a person (vampire?) he is, CARLISLE WEARING A SCARF WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL, I WILL NEVER EMOTIONALLY RECOVER FROM JASPERS BAT TRICKS, EMMET AND EDWARDS LAUGH AFTER CRASHING INTO ONE ANOTHER.

A TRULY IMMACULATE MOVIE SCENE. This scene isn’t long enough

“My monkey man” might be the worst line in this movie, I’m so torn between which one is the worst. Also, I'm just now realizing that this is the second time someone has compared a loved one to some type of monkey and I really don't like it.

Bella's defeated “I can’t hurt him” breaks my heart every time. AND FUCKING BILLY BURKE pulling out his acting chops with Charlie’s poor little broken sounding “I know I’m not that much fun to be around we can do more stuff together” & “I just gotcha back” LIKE LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCENE HURTS ME ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL AND I AM ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION

I know I've skipped over a lot but it's just a lot of like star wipe level montage of nonsense, so we are mOVING ON to what is possibly the biggest plot hole I've never recognized before now: How in the hell was James planning on luring Bella out if he didn’t find that videotape of Bella's mom looking for her????? Or was he just going to bust up in the holiday inn, metaphorical guns blazing & toss Bella out a window???

This fight scene between James & Edward is VERY poorly choreographed and you can practically see the stunt wires pulling on their clothes but no one is surprised..this is Twilight after all.

Who the fuck starts the fire in the ballet studio if Carlisle & Edward are with Bella, Jasper and Emmet are holding James's arms and Alice is ripping his head off???? Esme and Rosalie aren't there so the only explanation is that Emmett's power Stephanie never told us about is his ability to start small, controlled, indoor bonfires with his mind.

If Bella was losing blood from her femoral artery it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she would have been cognizant enough to tell them her hand was burning + THERE’S A BIG ASS BITE HOW DID THEY MISS IT???

Let Me Sign is such a good fucking song. Actually, while we're on music every song on every Twilight Saga soundtrack SLAPS. At least 1 department at Summit Entertainment was staffed with competent people. (side note, why the fuck do I know the studio by name that made this movie. I need to go lie down)

Bella acting a damn fool in the hospital bed like clingy much

CHARLIE IS SUCH A GOOD DAD FUCK!

The Edward/Jacob beef is so dramatic at prom can you both chill for 5 minutes we haven't even gotten to y'alls bullshit yet that's not until New Moon.

Bella really thought this mfer was gonna turn her at prom in the middle of the dancefloor??????????

Flightless Bird American Mouth. That's it, that's the bullet point

Victoria coming to prom, like we stan a dramatic bitch.

I will almost CERTAINLY post my New Moon (Extended Edition) notes in a few days. & yes I do have notes on the entire franchise.

#I had a lot more but I cut it down #a lot of my extra stuff was just talking about RPatz slipping inexplicably into a Spanish accent from time to time #no one seems to notice #but I fucking do #I hear the way he says 'so you're worried' and want to caCKLE OUT LOUD #I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am but ask me if I give a fuck #baby I will subject you to my poor humor #Twilight #Twilight Saga

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cknblogs-blog · 6 years

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interview

Midterm Part One

Kristin Gage

interview with Fortunato from Edgar Allan Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado"

Q: Fortunato hello how are you? How is you wife and Children?

A: Ahh! Yes! I am great! Wife? Great! And oh so beautiful! Oh the children? Yes they are good too I suppose.

2) Q: What do you think of when you recall childhood?

A: Childhood was a great time, I remember the I was a small lad only hanging with boys like Montresor. Always such a good time with that poor soul! He was always so odd and I was never afraid to let him know just how strange he really was.

3) Q: How would you describe yourself in three words?

A: Oh my only three? To out it bluntly I am handsome, rich, and BETTER! Hahahaha oh yes I am better! Better than anyone or anything! Hahah especially Montresor he never was quite as rich or handsome as I am you know?

4) Q: what is your favorite thing to do?

A: my all time favorite thing would be wine! Yes I do love my fine wine! Nobody can convince me to not drink it! Id rather spend a night with wine than with my wife.

5) Q: would you consider yourself gullible?

A: Oh never! I am a strong independent man! I am not a fool and will not be made out to be one! Ever! Any man who dares to cross me should be very very scared.

6) Q: Would you consider yourself a drunk?

A: A drunk?! Absolutely not. A drunk would have to be drunk constantly. Oh… yes I am a bit tipsy right now but that would hardly count HAHAHAH. Ive only had 3 bottles of wine this morning thats not a problem thats just breakfast!

7) Q: can you tell me a joke?

A: oh yes a joke?! Let me think… Montresors face! Yes HAHAHA Montresor? More like just MONSTER. What an ugly man. Imagine being born with a face so much less handsome than mine! such a shame that poor rat.

8) Q: Do you think Montresor would ever be mad at how you treat him?

A: Montresor? I don’t suspect a thing! Such a childhood friend im sure he understands its just how I am! I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a little jealous though. After all, who isnt?

9) Q: what do you want out of life/ where do you think life will take you?

A: Life is all about the journey! My brain cant really understand long term thinking so I like to stay in the now but I do know that what I want NOW is some more wine. I suspect I will have wine with me forever even if I have nothing else.

10) Q: Would you ever suspect anything bad to happen to you?

A: NEVER! Nobody would ever question me! Haven’t you heard? Everyone loves me! The only bad thing that could happen is if the world ran out of wine!

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hgfstreamchats · 6 years

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We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. Jalaperilo: yo! Knock Out: Hello there! Jalaperilo: been a while since i dropped by Jalaperilo: omg, I was JUST listening to Sawbones! Knock Out: But how good to have you! Jalaperilo: find the clip where justin looses it when sydnee uses the word 'exquisit' in medical terminology Knock Out: Do you have a link by any chance? Jalaperilo: Sawbones. If you wanna be disguisted by human medical history, its the go to podcast thenightetc: Fun fact, it creeps me the hell out when someone keeps saying my name. Jalaperilo: hahah Knock Out: I love the sound of my own name, but that's just me and anything pertaining to myself.

thenightetc: ...Okay, this IS pretty funny Jalaperilo: I'm with thenight. it annoys me if i hear my name too much Jalaperilo: it means people want things from me thenightetc: Yeah. thenightetc: It's... smarmy. thenightetc: In the worst way. Jalaperilo: yup thenightetc: So what are we watching? Good movie or movie to mock? Knock Out: Pure mockery! Jalaperilo: julia child?? Knock Out: Oh yes. Jalaperilo: nice thenightetc: Oh, boy! thenightetc: *could do with some mocking after today* thenightetc: Worms aren't that elastic Jalaperilo: birds also dont have quiffs thenightetc: ...Is this... a sequel? Knock Out: No, thankfully. Knock Out: "Yes. But technically speaking, ain't you?" thenightetc: Haha, did they give the t-rex herbivore teeth? Jalaperilo: true Jalaperilo: did they come from dinosaurs or just pteradons? Knock Out: Oh, pterosaurs aren't dinosaurs. Breakdown is adamant on that one. Jalaperilo: pteranodon* Jalaperilo: i know Jalaperilo: i didt know if birds came from dinosaurs or just pteranodons Knock Out: That's another thing this movie likes to drive home. Some organics eat meat and that's terrible. thenightetc: Only if the meat has a face! Which, uh, in this movie apparently it does, going by the worm and the fish. Knock Out: Oh! They came from dinosaurs, apparently. thenightetc: oh my god thenightetc: What--what's in that stuff Knock Out: Nothing good. Jalaperilo: if only it was that easy to make Grimlock docile lol Knock Out: If someone did that to Grimlock, I'm fairly sure it would constitute a crime. thenightetc: Ahhhh, so it's okay to eat meat that somebody ELSE killed. Knock Out: But not okay to be a massive animal and step on things by accident. Jalaperilo: people need to remember that its ok to decide to not eat meat, but it WAS the reason we evolved to be so cognizent as a species Jalaperilo: no its not Knock Out: Smart enough to make up their own minds, but not smart enough to know what lunch is. Knock Out: Or what children are. thenightetc: This, uh, seems very morally dubious. thenightetc: Just go ahead and create some people because some kids want to meet them Knock Out: Why create some people when you can kidnap them? thenightetc: Wellllll, they were just animals before. He made them INTO people. Zephra85: OMG I saw the description on the tumblr post and and immedietely knew Zephra85: 'OMG WE'RE BACK' Zephra85: Also hi everyone! Knock Out: Welcome to the disaster, Zephra human! thenightetc: Hi! Jalaperilo: yo yo Zephra85: I was obsessed with this movie a sa child thenightetc: That seems like an incredibly extra way to make a sandwich Zephra85: go big or go home thenightetc: Oh, yeah, just stick your hand right in his mouth. It's safe! Jalaperilo: I had never heard of this until like 20 minutes ago Knock Out: Smart enough to handle this, remember. thenightetc: Honestly, he's lucky he didn't just drive straight into the river... ocean? Lusey: -peeks in- Knock Out: Hello there! Zephra85: Yo Lusey: hello! this movie is so dumb I love it Zephra85: The 90's had a lot of scenes with kids handling construction cranes Lusey: he's not even a t-rex thenightetc: EXHIBIT?! Jalaperilo: there she is! thenightetc: exCUSE me? Lusey: they gonna kill and stuff 'em Zephra85: Yes because this is clearly less conspicuous Lusey: "hey babe" I wish I had this kid's confidence wtf thenightetc: wtf indeed Jalaperilo: what was it about the 80's and 90's where it was a streetwise orphan boy and the red head up town girl? Zephra85: objectively this movie is probably bad but I have so much love and nostalgia for it idgaf thenightetc: Jesus christ, that place is huge. They must be freakin millionaires Lusey: yup Lusey: but yeah this movie sucks but the last villain scene is spooky Zephra85: oh god seriously Lusey: wont say why or how but Lusey: hoo boy Lusey: it made up for so much Zephra85: it's so subtle but holy *** it's wild at the same time thenightetc: oh yeah, nobody'lll notice THAT Zephra85: things like this can only happen in New York 'cause they're so jadded Knock Out: Eugh. thenightetc: oh my god thenightetc: Why this Jalaperilo: way too young to be a debutante Zephra85: they got things to do and places to go they can't let bs like dinosaurs or aliens get in their way Lusey: what's that parent's problem Knock Out: You should wish for less rats in the subway, little human. Lusey: that child is like 5 and you ruined her life Zephra85: parenting at its finest Zephra85: Having fun with human tech and connections, Knock Out? Knock Out: Endless fun. Knock Out: Hmm, is the picture quality suffering too much? Lusey: see wtf lady Lusey: let her believe thenightetc: Nah, it's fine thenightetc: oh nO Lusey: that's right Lusey: musical thenightetc: I wasn't prepared thenightetc: "things to chew" kinda sounds like he wants to eat everyone Knock Out: Killing spree ending, just once! Zephra85: (jams out 'cause f*** it all she loves this song) thenightetc: Well, there WAS Little Shop of Horrors. Knock Out: Hmm, true. Knock Out: SMART. ENOUGH. TO HANDLE THIS. thenightetc: ...And there he goes explicitly saying he wants to eat a human Lusey: I think he's implying they'd be gross. but still haha Lusey: seriously who'd run away from TALKING dinosaurs thenightetc: "that's the guy who was foreshadowed!" Jalaperilo: bring back julia child Jalaperilo: lost my green Lusey: I think I gotta head out actually. connection is shot on my end. but enjoy bad dinos Knock Out: An attempt will be made. Have a good night! Zephra85: Bye! Jalaperilo: I'm heading out as well. Its 2am here and I have to be up at 9 thenightetc: Goodnight! Knock Out: Goodnight! Jalaperilo: nighty night Night! Zephra85: 'Nigh! Zephra85: *night Zephra85: man that little girl and her mom get around FAST Zephra85: also the mom's recovered rather well from her freak out before Knock Out: Scrap. So close. thenightetc: "Keep coming or maybe stay away" thenightetc: Dontgonearthe Castle thenightetc: No, idiot, they just left because they're adults and didn't feel like beating up a twelve-year-old thenightetc: Hahahahha thenightetc: Crushing their stupid dreams thenightetc: Is he literally the devil Knock Out: This is normal. thenightetc: Oh, totally Zephra85: not suspecious at all nope thenightetc: Why did SHE sign it Knock Out: "Naughty boys delight" Zephra85: Bah looks like I gotta ditch too, the bf wants the good laptop thenightetc: Pffff, minors can't sign contracts. thenightetc: Though, I guess he's the devil, so Zephra85: 'Night everybody! Thanks for the stream, Knock Out! Knock Out: Goodnight! Glad you could pop in! Zephra85: Oh, and since Breakdown never checks his tumblr anymore, can you tell him happy birthday for me? Knock Out: Will do! Zephra85: Alrighty I'm gone ENJOY CREEPY CIRCUS DINOSAURS GUYS Knock Out: Looks like it's just you and me, night human. thenightetc: I guess that guy's actions make a little more sense in light of the news that he's the devil's brother. Knock Out: This one seems slightly more invested in whether dinosaurs live or die. Knock Out: If only from a business perspective. thenightetc: This got creepy fast, though Knock Out: What disturbs me is that they don't seem willing or able to just grab the children and run. Knock Out: Wasn't that literally the point of A Clockwork Orange? thenightetc: Yes, I mean, maybe they're too squeamish for fresh meat now, but... thenightetc: Seems like they could also grab the contract and destroy it. Knock Out: They're barely intelligent enough to function and physically incapable of defying rules. What could possibly go wrong? thenightetc: Nothing, clearly. Knock Out: I can see why the "legitimate circus" fired him. thenightetc: "Evil" Knock Out: Nice of him to let them stick around for pancakes, though. thenightetc: "oh no, consequences!" Knock Out: "And that's terrible for some reason." thenightetc: Oh, so he IS using some real demons. I was going to say. Knock Out: They can't seem to decide whether he's using real demons or if the fact that he isn't using real demons is bad. thenightetc: I guess it's a mix? Knock Out: Apparently. thenightetc: Real demons, and poor saps who were dumb enough to sign contracts with Literally The Devil. thenightetc: Not reassuring! Knock Out: Now see, this would have made more sense with that whole deleted chunk about a crow pecking out his eye. thenightetc: Why is everyone freaking out and trying to run, though? It's clearly a show. Knock Out: The humans in this movie have proved to be overexcitable. thenightetc: Aw, c'mon, what would eating this guy ruin. thenightetc: What if he just ate his arm or something; he can live without that. Knock Out: Just bite off his shins. thenightetc: Little bit off the top. Knock Out: He'll never miss it. thenightetc: And neither will anyone else. Nickel: Ooh. Not a bad lookin' ship, there. Knock Out: Such a waste of a good ship. thenightetc: Why this Knock Out: You are infants. Nickel: õ-õ Nickel: ô_ô Knock Out: Spoiler alert: We never learn what the surprise was. thenightetc: ô_ô indeed. Nickel: I'm not sure I want to... Knock Out: Why didn't he do this ages ago and get a job at a circus where his act will actually fit in? thenightetc: Who knows? thenightetc: ...Did HE not have a magical contract? thenightetc: WELL then. Nickel: Well, now I know the humans have their own version of scraplets... Knock Out: Julia Child, you ruined everything. Stop talking. thenightetc: Something about "reveal the miracle of yourselves" doesn't sound right. Nickel: KID. GET BACK BEHIND THE ROPES. THEYRE THERE FER A REASON Knock Out: Dear Unicron. thenightetc: ... Nickel: what blatant disregard fa boundaries. Knock Out: Crowd a room with children and teach them to keep secrets from their parents. Knock Out: Without ever changing outfits. Nickel: Who took all of those pictures. thenightetc: The devil's brother? Knock Out: The old man on the ship. The families don't know about them. thenightetc: That was a trip from start to finish. Nickel: I'd apologize fa comin in so late, but I feel like I really dodged a bullet, there. Knock Out: You have no idea. Knock Out: Why couldn't we have had this version of the song? Nickel: they had ta save tha best bit fa last, I suppose? Knock Out: Point. Nickel: I know I just got here, but I needa run a quick errand. Are ya endin' things here, Doc? or do ya have more plans? Knock Out: I think we'll wrap it up here for tonight. Patient reports beckon, sadly. Nickel: Lord almighty, I feel ya. thenightetc: Awww. Well, it was fun! Thanks for the stream. :) Knock Out: Thank you for the commentary! Nickel: Thanks indeed. (-w-) Knock Out: Good night, everyone! thenightetc: Goodnight!

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stargleeksil-blog · 7 years

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Criminal Minds s01e08 Natural Born Killer review

Episode 8 – Natural Born Killer You know what? Someone needs to tell them to find better names for these episodes, cuz they freak me out like hell. Let’s hope no kids are dead this time. Let’s get straight to it. Oh fun. Hardened criminals getting entangled with cops. This should be exciting. Aww crooner music! I love crooners! But that should be suspicious if the music is uber loud. And especially if there is blood on the fucking doorknob. Can’t believing I’m eating a Cliff Bar right now while watching this. Wait, so they deal only with massive shit and not double homicide? I’m learning stuff about the FBI. Nice. Ewwwww that shower was one sick scene. They torture the husband and not the wife. Ok. Gross. Ew. They went all butcher on the third guy? Eew. Make Kirsten a damn series regular already you assholes! Hemingway: “There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it never really care for anything else.” Yuck. Lovely. So they have to wait till the third victim shows up. Gross. Hobo found the head. Poor thing. Wait, so they’re now poaching in on organized crime’s turf? Sounds fishy. Michael Russo. Sounds like a mob name. Wow, that was racist. “I don’t speak smartass, so if you’ve got something to say to me …” hahah oh Mikey. Derek being all menacing is too hot. That should be wrong. “You’re breathing on my neck …” haha oh Penelope you kinky little cupcake. A profile of a fractured schizophrenic with multiple personality disorders. That’s borderline oxymoronic, cupcake. Bam! That was awesome! I love it when they bang down doors. Ooh! Derek did 18 months deep undercover. Should be interesting to see if they ever decide to go down memory lane. Oh poor Jimmy. What the fuck did they do to him? Poor thing. “Please tell me you brought breakfast.” “Trust me, sugar, you are not gonna wanna eat when you see what’s in here.” Even when it’s macabre they’re flirting. Someone call the sap police and arrest them. “Keep looking.” Yeah cuz that is the first thing Penelope would want to do. Oh now they’re shaking down Mikey? Oh come on. Like he’s gonna give anything away. Derek you little shit, you’re playing with fire here when you’re taunting Mikey. Oh man. So they tapped into the phone and got him tracked. I love it. You sick puppy. Leave Jimmy alone. “I was still drinking that” “Not only is this equipment expensive it is also extremely sensitive” – you hear that Elle? Don’t mess with Penelope’s babies! LOL Penelope’s face at Reid’s attempt at a joke. I’m loving this show beyond all measure. And why the fuck are they beating up Hotch? Come on! Leave the guy alone! He has a baby boy! Ha! Taser the shit out of that fucker! Yeah! No one messes with my team of superheroes. Why are they sending the SWAT vehicle away? Oh poor Jimmy, damn boy, they got you good. They’re assigned to watch security tapes and all Penelope can say “Yeah! Movie night! I’ll go make popcorn!”? I love you. What does behavioral analysis mean? Exactly what it says on the package, you asshat. So you’re leaving Garcia alone to watch those horrors? You fucking coward, Reid. But I still love you. Why the fuck are they letting rats climb on him? Ew! Gross! Bahhhhh Oh damn. Hotchner is going down the mommy route. He’s in so much touble. Aww, Elle, you cutie, Morgan gave you a bone and you found the dinosaur. You owe him. And Hotchner, leave the guy alone! His mommy had nothing to do with this, he’s the psycho killer here. That’s it. Derek kissed her on the head. I’m calling them a couple. You can’t deny it anymore. I’m done. I’m done with this show if they don’t put them together soon because I will flip all hell on those assholes. Oh my god, I’m so sorry, babies, I didn’t mean to snap like this. But when I see PDA between two characters I ship I lose all semblance of normalcy (cuz I’m not normal, not in the slightest)finally they found Baker. And he’s alive. And ew I hate rats. So much. And don’t justify Vincent, he’s a bastard. Wait. Does that mean that Hotchner’s dad beat him up? Oh please do a background episode about my superheroes. Please. Carl Jung: “The healthy man does not torture others. General, it is the tortured who turn into torturers.”

#criminal minds #s01e08 #natural born killer #mandy patinkin #thomas gibson #shemar moore #aj cook #lola glaudini #matthew gray gubler #kristen vangsness

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braden-ffxiv · 7 years

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priceless

“Miss, mi-- miss?...” ....

“Miss?... Miss--”

“HEY, BROAD.”

An ear perked, a young blonde man, streetwise and thiefwise, cast his gaze across the mostly-empty restaurant floor to the leather-wrapped booth on the far wall.

The crowds had clearly avoided Chuck’s Chophouse tonight, a restaurant of spartan appearance but excellent reputation lounging on the south side of Boston’s inner harbor. The south side - the rough side. The sun hung lazy along a sky emerging from the gloom of a day-long rainstorm, the fingers of a pink-orange sunset cresting through a shroud of gray cast long across iron piers, rusty warehouses and a section of slums stinking with crime and rot. Chuck’s fit right in - its exterior of unembellished steel sheets, cracked wooden logs and dirt-crusted windows giving it the look of any of a dozen different crumbling repositories situated along the industrial shores of a region slowly forgetting its past.

Nothing screamed that nearly as loud as the fat man with the jet-black hair and the five-thousand-dollar suit in the far booth, his gruff voice and the hacking, throaty coughs that followed far less suited for the south side of Boston, and far more like something one would find milling about the streets of New York. The accent, the manner, and the unmistakable Italian screamed obnoxious out-of-towner, in with the right sort of people, the sort of people who fed his ego; the sort of ego that led this portly, mottle-skinned man bully waitresses with only a few days on the job.

Braden sat at a table just as spartan as the rest of the joint, glowering at the New Yorker, the only dim face at a table of drunken, raucous hoods. His blood-brothers since first grade, Bray knew these guys inside and out - Mouse, the redhead at the end, chortling quietly and anxiously, built like a skeleton wearing a man-suit, with big, round green eyes and uneven, bright white teeth, always borne in a sheepish grin. Tommy; the biggest, whiniest pussy you’d ever meet; couldn’t take even the threat of a punch without breaking down into tears, and if he had to run two blocks the poor fucker’d be huffing his lungs out, but he had the money, the mind and this magical something that helped me find damn near any tool, odd, end, or contact anywhere in town. Ripper - pretty ominously named, sure, but it wasn’t that he’d rip you so much as he’d rip you off. Cigarettes, fake checks, Italian suits - he’d steal his grandmother’s antique bicycle if there was a dime to be made on it.

And then there was Kenny. Braden’s best friend, worst adversary. The loudest, most irritating, and most deadly young guy in all South Boston. Affable to his ‘troops’, but with a temper explosive enough to make a nuclear weapon jealous. He had connections, he had ambitions, he had family. The next generation of southie Irish mob royalty, Kenny Donnelly’d take Braden to the top with him - whether Bray wanted it or not.

Bray watched, and watched. While the gang at the table downed another round, exchanging ribald tales with reddened cheeks and boisterous laughs, Bray waited, reclining in his chair, smoothing a plain-white shirt against his muscles, tattoos spilling out from beneath the short sleeves. He knew the girl waiting on the fat, well-dressed New Yorker - Beth Tierney, one of his old school friends, Shauna’s, younger sister. Seventeen and sweet and far too nervous to be serving drinks to loudmouthed men and well-mannered trophy-dates, poor pretty Beth stood there and winced as a flurry of insults cracked at her composure. Watching her face, Bray could almost see the tears scraping at the corners of the girl’s eyes.

“This ain’t a hard job here, sister,” the out-of-towner barked, gesturing to the room - mostly empty, with only a few couples drinking a boring night away in the corners of the room. “Serve the fuckin’ drink, take the fuckin’ order, look fuckin’ pretty and shake your little ass while you walk away,” he sneered, his date crossing her arms in displeasure, staring silent daggers at the young waitress with the long, fiery-red hair.

“Now where’s my screwdriver?” the suit-wearing man demanded.

“I-it’s-- it’s right here, sir, fresh from the ba--” Beth offered the glass, snatched unceremoniously from her palm before she could finish speaking. With a deep swig of the mixture, the New Yorker - predictably - responded with disgust, his face curling at its edges. “The fuck’d you put in this? Rat piss?”

“I-- sir, the bartender makes--”

“Well give my regards to the fuckin’ bartender,” the New Yorker interrupted, flicking his wrist the girl’s way, sending a shower of vodka and orange juice at poor Beth’s black apron, a splash of the drink striking her pale-freckled face. “Now make it again,” he demanded, slamming the glass onto the table and swiping it with an open palm, sending it careening off the edge, shattering to shards on the rough brick floor.

Braden’s eyes narrowed.

“Ah hahah --aaah, what’s wrong with you?” Focus shaken, an arm slung along his shoulders, Braden glanced over to his crew. Having had too many as he always did, Tommy pushed a brown-glass bottle into Bray’s face. “Have a drink, you’ll live longer.”

“Live longer? You dumbass,” Kenny howled, the others joining in.

“I’m good,” Bray spoke flatly, eyes spying towards the booth. A quiet fell across the table. The crew housed a curious dynamic - they feared Kenny, but more than that, they feared that one day Kenny and Bray would argue about something and kill one another. That fear was, of course, completely valid; the two had scuffled about dozens of meaningless disagreements over the years. Bray had put Kenny into the hospital for talking about Gracie’s ass once, and Kenny had once picked a fight with Bray over the color of the car the two had planned to steal for a joyride back in high school. The two of them met in a playground brawl, for fuck sake. Whenever tension radiated from one of the two, Mouse and Tommy and Ripper sat still and placid and nervous about who was going to blow up first.

“Got your eye on the asshole in the booth, don’t you,” Kenny murmured, his tone stony and serious. A wave of relief washed over the rest of the crew, thankful another scuffle didn’t seem inevitable. Bray nodded slowly in response, eyes still locked on the fat man across the restaurant.

“Italian. Connected,” Tommy breathed an ominous whisper. “Cara family, one of their bigshots. Name’s No-Bones Bruno,” he continued, playing up the drama of his little tale, enjoying his inebriation a bit too much.

“Wh-what the hell’s h-he doing here?” Mouse chittered out.

“Pretty far from home,” Kenny growled. Bray could already hear ‘Deadly’ Kenny Donnelly cracking his knuckles and sharpening the knives.

“Flexing muscle, probably,” Ripper added, twisting his head to glare at the New Yorker.

“Big power struggle just ended for the Cara family,” Tommy explained in a whisper, guzzling another deep-swallow of beer before sighing contentedly and continuing. “My guess is, No-Bones over there sided with the crew that came out on top. Thinks he’s the king of the fucking world, now.”

“So he celebrates by tossing liquor at young waitresses,” Bray scowled.

“Ain’t that Shauna’s sister?” Mouse asked, twitching his nose; his face was always alive with little flicks, twitches and perks of his expression, more or less like his namesake.

“Yeah, Beth,” Kenny boomed, ready for a fight. Bray gazed down the table at his blood-brother, offering a faint and disapproving shake of his head. Kenny glared, knowing just what that look meant.

“We oughta fuckin’ brain him,” Ripper hissed.

“Yeah, we oughta,” Kenny echoed, pedantry in his voice as his glare bore a hole through Bray.

“Wait in the alley ‘till he comes outside?” Mouse’s words slithered, half-nervous and half-hopeful, from his lips. “We could--”

“No,” Bray spoke resoundingly. Kenny sighed, irritation streaking across his eyes.

“Every fuckin’ time with you, Braden,” he exclaimed. To Kenny, the solution to pretty much every problem was simple - punch it, until things get better. Not surprisingly, Kenny had spent more than half his life in-and-out of correctional facilities.

Braden had a very different philosophy. He knew how to hit a man hard without lifting a fist in anger. And he knew how to leave bruises that’d last - financial bruises. Ego bruises. Reputation bruises.

“We’re thumping skulls tonight, Braden, and you’re either in or you’re out,” Kenny demanded.

“Bosses say we give a wide berth to any New York fuck that comes our way,” Braden advised. “We don’t want wars, Kenny.”

“Fuck you,” Kenny spoke simply. “We’re kicking his head in.”

“Shut up, Kenny,” Braden spoke just as simply back. That tension returned to the crew’s shoulders. “Tommy,” Bray said, “gotta be a lot of money in winning a mob war, am I right?”

“Plenty of money,” Tommy replied, drunken expression hectic.

“A date like that can’t be cheap,” Bray observed, eyeing the busty blonde giggling through a fake smile opposite the New Yorker. “I’m guessing he doesn’t go cheap on anything. That Brioni he’s wearing’s worth a few grand. He comes to Chuck’s and Chuck’s ain’t cheap. Y’know what else I bet he’s got that ain’t cheap?...”

Ripper grinned. Being thieves at heart, Ripper and Bray got along pretty damn well. Especially in moments like this.

“I bet I know, Bray.”

--------------

There it was. Beautiful.

Sitting under a lone street light, the sun finally falling past the horizon and leaving this section of town so thick in the shadows Braden preferred, he saw just what he had hoped - an expensive car. A really expensive car. Even more expensive than Bray had expected.

A brand-new Ferrari. A stunning piece of machinery, painted in an extraordinary coat of deep-red; rosso. All these exotics had ridiculous names for their paint colors. Just like an Italian to fork over money for this slick piece of Maranello-born engineering was way too nice for an asshole like that.

No-Bones Bruno hadn’t been completely dense. Having snuck out through the kitchen, the crew watched the New Yorker’s car from a steamy side-alley, spying two leather-jacket-wearing, slick-dressed, rotund mob goons standing like a pair of low-rent nightclub bouncers on either side of the sportscar.

“This is what we’re gonna do,” Bray whispered. “Ripper. Floor jack, cement blocks, lug wrench - back of my car,” he spoke quick, “and I’d better see nothing else missing from my trunk when I get back to my car.” Bray tossed the jingling ring of keys to his prized ‘68 Mustang to his compatriot, who nodded quickly and skittered through the back alley towards the rear parking lot.

“Mouse, Kenny, you’re with me,” he beckoned them with a quick flick of his fingers. With a roll of his eyes Kenny begrudgingly sauntered close, Mouse following hesitantly.

“Tommy,” Bray said, and he could already feel the protest building in Tommy’s face. Tommy was a lazy bastard. Thankfully, most of his job - finding things - could be done from home, because that’s just how Tommy liked it. Having to do things, especially things that required.. effort, and talking, and walking, and.. anything, that was too much.

“It’s simple, Tommy, I promise,” Bray reassured him, irritation trilling in his words.

------------

“Man I hate this fuckin’ town,” Vince growled, with all the street-sense in his voice of a pampered rich mob kid who hadn’t even taken a punch.

“When’s the last time you were ever even in this town?” Lou responded, leaning back lazily against the door of No-Bones’s sleek, Italian-built speedster.

“Man, watch the fucking car,” Vince bellowed; Lou perked up, straightening his jacket, glancing around to see if anyone had picked up on his faux pas.

“It ain’t hurtin’ nothing, Jesus,” Lou scoffed.

“This baby’s got a delicate suspension,” Vince hissed, “and you ain’t gonna fuck it up. Now that Ciarelli and his guys are outta the way, ain’t nowhere for us to go but up, Lou - and after a few months, boss is gonna love me so much he’s gonna buy me one of these babies. So keep your shit together.”

“Yeah, I’m sure boss is all about handing out Lamborghinis,” Lou seemed skeptical.

“Ferrari, asshole,” Vince insisted. “It’s a Ferrari Italia, 458--”

“Help! HELP! S-somebody, help! We need-- SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!”

That, at least, seemed to grab the two goons’ attention. Slowly.

“Help! Jesus, won’t anybody-- HELP!”

From the alley running alongside Chuck’s emerged a shrieking young man, portly around the waist, his hair black, his cheeks reddened with the pleasant burn of liquor. Heads turning, expressions rather dim, eyebrows lofted, Vince and Lou watched him emerge, howling into the street.

“You, there, pl-- please! Do you have cell phones?! A man’s having a heart attack?”

“Cell phones?” Vince asked, though whether the question was what is a cell phone? or something entirely different was anyone’s guess. “Do we have..”

“Yes, cell phones,” Tommy demanded, clearly a tad frustrated with the two slow-witted gentlemen.

“Heart attack?” Lou asked, piecing words together like a brain-trauma victim.

“A man’s having a heart attack, Jesus!” Tommy screeched angrily.

“A man..”

Vince murmured the words, and it slowly, slooowly dawned on him.

“Oh, fuck,” Vince’s slackjawed expression stumbled over the words.

“You think it’s the boss?..” Lou asked, concerned, though his concern felt less like genuine well-being concern and more like a ‘fuck, I’ve gotta do something?..’ sorta concern.

Tommy, meanwhile, had clearly had enough of trying to distract these two idiots.

“Do either of you know a-- a Mr. Bruno? He needs help!”

“Mr. Bruno? Who’s...”

“Wait, isn’t that..” Vince and Lou appeared to be doing difficult calculus for a moment, before..

“Oh, fuck, uhh.. shit, call- call 911, and get your ass..” like a circus-act under the world’s cloudiest big top, Vince and Lou took off across the street, rushing through the doors to Chuck’s, Lou frantically jamming ‘9-1-1′ on his phone.

“Welcome to Chuck’s, how many in your party?”

“Where the fuck is the boss?!” Vince demanded of the young, bright-eyed hostess, who blinked twice at the two men charging through the door.

“Did... you want to speak with the manager, sir?..” she asked, confused.

“Not your boss, our fuckin’ boss,” Vince howled. “Where’s he at?!”

“I’m.. sorry, sir?..”

“The guy havin’ the fuckin’ heart attack!” Lou interrupted, pressing his phone to his ear. “Yeah, 911? What’s my emerge-- get your asses over here! Where’s.. where’s here? Uh..”

“Someone’s.. I’m not.. sure, anyone’s having a heart attack, sirs,” the hostess raised a brow, almost amused.

“Where the fuck is this place?!” Lou demanded.

“Where’s.. this.. place?..” still perplexed, the hostess took a step back. “Wh--”

“THE ADDRESS, THEY WANT THE FUCKIN’ ADDRESS!”

“Who’s on the phone? Give it to me!” Vince roared, snatching it from Lou’s hand. “Yeah, is this 911? We need an ambulance to-- well, no, he’s my partner, I’m trying to talk for-- what? No, I’m not-- THIS ISN’T A DOMESTIC ABUSE CALL, WE’VE GOT A FAT FUCK HAVIN’ A CORONARY HERE--”

“What the fuck’s goin’ on over here?” A loud, obnoxious New Yorker tone interrupted the circus of a scene, the portly, greasy-black-haired man’s arm looped with his fake-busted date’s, his expression dangerously angry. “Fat fuck havin’ a coronary?”

“OH, uhh, shit, boss-- wait,” Vince blinked, throwing the phone across the room.

“Hey, asshole, that was my phone!” Lou protested.

“Boss, you’re not-- you’re okay?..” Vince played innocent.

“You’re not havin’ a heart attack?” Lou echoed.

“Fat fuck havin’ a coronary, huh?” No-Bones Bruno’s lip twitched.

“Oh, uhhh-- we were.. somebody out in the alley, they said that, y’know, and I was just-- I was wondering, y’know, something..” Vince mumbled.

“What the fuck are you two doing in here anyway? Didn’t I tell you to watch the car?”

“...Oh. The car. The--”

Fear gripping the two boneheads suddenly they burst through the door with the same aplomb with which they had entered, hearts skipping a beat and eyes blinking in shock as they found No-Bones Bruno’s brand-new Ferrari Italia 458 - cement blocks stuffed under its side panels, holding it aloft just far enough for a gang of well-equipped thieves to wrench off the lug nuts and steal the expensive, gleaming silver wheels.

“...Shit,” Vince mouthed.

“What was that about.. boss buyin’ you a Lamborghini?” Lou asked, recalcitrant.

“..Fuck you.”

--------------

“You know, we’re not gonna get dick on the aftermarket for these things,” Ripper huffed up to Braden, breath taken from him as he hurriedly rolled the freshly-stolen Ferrari wheels along the filth-crusted back alley through which the gang had made their escape. Like a well-coordinated train of hoodlums four of them dashed, rolling tires along in front of them; at the rear Tommy heaved and puffed, dragging a floor jack along behind him.

“Can we.. stop now.. jeez,” Tommy gasped.

“We’re far enough,” Kenny said, rolling his tire to a slowing stop, his heavy breathing giving way to an indulgent shout of satisfaction. “Stupid fuck didn’t even see it coming!”

“Where are we gonna offload these things?” Ripper asked, leaning against a wall, letting tire come to rest at his feet. “Your average junkyard doesn’t exactly deal in many Ferraris most days.”

“I know,” Braden responded, wiping a few beads of sweat from his forehead. Bray knew ahead of time he wasn’t going to be making a killing off these wheels. One could count the number of Ferraris in Boston on one hand, and still have a few fingers to spare. Not even Ralphy’s place, the yard Bray usually fenced car parts to, would take these things, and Ralphy had about as many morals as a nun had boyfriends.

“So.. then, what’s the plan?” Kenny asked.

“We keep ‘em,” Bray shrugged. “Decorations. Souvenirs. Hang one up in your garage.”

“So this wasn’t about making a score,” Ripper’s expression shriveled up; he had certainly wanted to rip somebody off for a good penny, tonight.

“Some stuff is priceless,” Bray responded, hoisting his plunder up onto his shoulder.

“Nothing in this world’s priceless,” Kenny rebuffed him.

“That asshole went from trophy girlfriends and throwing drinks at poor Beth, to a sexless night spent hitching rides in taxis around Boston. That’s pretty priceless,” Bray disagreed. After a tense staring match, Kenny finally cracked a little smile.

“Yeah, you’re right, it is pretty priceless,” he laughed.

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thecorteztwins · 6 years

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Customary Munday Post of Mun’s Rando Thoughts & Opinions

- Man, I passed two dead squirrels on the way to work AND forgot my lunch. This is not an auspicious start to my day. - I’m really loving these trendy shirts with built-in chokers but they’ll probably be way out of style by the time I get one (but I don’t care) - Phrases I hate: “sorry I don’t make the rules” - Imagine ghouls sending their headshots to Pickman - I’m super afraid of car wrecks not because of death/injury to myself or even damage to my car, but because the other person will be angry. I am TERRIFIED of the idea of some stranger shouting and screaming at me, I truly am. Any time my driving is even a little bad I wig out because I’m scared someone is going to follow me in their car to scream at me when I get out. - How would you dress if money was no object, if you had the confidence to wear anything you liked, and had occasion to (or didn’t care if you didn’t have occasion)? I’d definitely be in lace and velvet and vintage jewelry all the time (especially pearls and cameos and crystals and anything with a unicorn or rat motif), but I’d switch it up between this sweet innocent girly cream/white look and all-black gothic witch princess elegance. Tell me about what you’d wear, I’d really like to hear!

- I’ve noticed that when people make fun of the neckbeard gamer nerd stereotypes, they seem to focus on stuff like them being fat or living in their parent’s basement, and not on stuff like, say, the misogyny of nerd culture. Heck, even when these types are being called out for said misogyny, people still don’t really make fun of that but instead go “hahah look at this loser being sexist when he’s a fat ugly nerd who lives with his mommy!” Like, what, so it would be okay if he were rich, successful, and handsome? Because that’s the vibe I get a lot, that it isn’t the sexism and entitlement itself that people are truly taking issue with, but the idea they haven’t EARNED being sexist and entitled to women because they’re not “man enough” and THAT’S the real problem. And given how fandom will defend hot white cis male faves, and how rich successful men have gotten away with so much shit in the real world, I think I might sadly be right on the money with this. (As I note, that’s why I facedesk when the occasional person tries to diss Fabian by framing him as this type----like, no, guys, you’re missing the point, he’s not a neckbeard, he’s Gaston, and that’s just as bad if not worse because Gastons are actually celebrated by society) - Hey so you know what’s a common trope I hate? The rich family with no time for their children because they’re always working, and contrasting that with the big happy poor family that spends lots of time together and is warm and loving and thus clearly the ones who are actually TRULY rich. It’s bullshit. It’s intended to firstly make you feel bad for the rich over the poor, and secondly it’s just...not reality? Not that there aren’t poor families like that, but many poor families actually have parents who see their children way LESS than rich families, because everyone is working like three jobs with no vacations or sick days, just to make ends meet, and then is too exhausted when they get home to spend time with each other. These shows and books frame it as a tradeoff, that you get one or the other, and that’s just not true. The poor get screwed on both. And it being framed as a tradeoff also means there’s the implication that it’s a deliberate decision, that if these poor people chose they could give up more time with their families and be rich, but they don’t because family is just more important to them. So see, don’t feel sympathy for them, they like it this way and really have all they need anyway---each other! (Never mind what’s going to happen when, say, someone gets ill/injured and has a steep hospital bill...) It just seems like a fantasy specifically concocted for the comfortably middle class, so they don’t need to envy the rich OR feel sympathy for the poor. - Salt: People whining about how their fave bad guy “deserves” a redemption arc and the heroes are mean for not “giving” them one...listen, bucko, has your fave ever expressed any desire for redemption? Let alone to the heroes? No? Then how the fuck are they supposed to know? Secondly, neither the heroes nor anyone else can “give” a bad guy their redemption. That’s something they have to do themselves. They have to make the choice and the effort. If your fave bad guy doesn’t even WANT to change, let alone TRY, then no they don’t “deserve” another chance, nor are the good guys the “real villains” for not extending them one.

#mun monday #munday #out of cortez

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