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kater1n · 3 years

Note

I saw your prompt reblog sooo, starker:

45. “This is not what I meant when I told you to fall for me.”

😮

Anyone can send me another prompt from the list.

Sooooo I did my best at fluff. It somehow came out more like crack? 🙃

Tony is not avoiding Peter. Objectively. He’s just been busy.

Pepper needed his help in Tokyo. For, you know, contracts or something. They don’t re-negotiate themselves. Pepper may have complained the entire trip, but she didn’t mean it. He’s positive that she appreciated his presence. He knows how to step up occasionally.

And then Rhodey’s leg braces started making a funny noise. Rhodey may not have heard it, but his hearing is questionable. He’s spent far too many years listening to fighter jets and explosions and all sorts of other hullabaloo in the military. Tony knows what impending mechanical failure sounds like. He’s the expert.

So Tony had to kidnap Rhodey and lock down the lab. For security purposes. That’s what best friends do. They protect each other when they’re vulnerable. Tony’s not about to let something happen to his Honey Bear. Not on his watch.

And it’s really not a big deal that it took him a few days to fix the leg braces. Even geniuses struggle sometimes. And of course Tony kept them locked up for a few more days after they were fixed to make sure the leg braces didn’t immediately break again. Just in case. Tony’s always been very thorough.

So he’s definitely not avoiding Peter. That’s ridiculous.

It may be unusual that they haven’t spoken in two weeks, but that’s just life. It gets busy sometimes. Sometimes too busy to even respond to the dozens of texts that Peter sends. It has nothing to do with the kid’s love confession. Because that?

Not a big deal.

The fact that Tony can’t stop staring at Peter right now instead of fighting Electro is irrelevant. It’s part of F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s programming to monitor him during battle. What kind of mentor would Tony be if he didn’t keep an eye on him?

So it’s a fluke that Tony gets blasted by the electromagnetic pulse. It could have happened to any of the Avengers present. It’s just really, really unfortunate that it happens to Tony because it immediately destabilizes his nanoparticles. The Iron Man armor shatters into a billion tiny pieces, a crimson cloud that rains down on the pavement hundreds of feet below.

Tony is left only in the ratty t-shirt and jeans he was wearing before the battle began. He has no way to call for help, no backup plan; nothing to prevent him from plummeting to his own doom.

Until Peter is suddenly there, catching Tony in his arms like some blushing, virginal princess.

“This is not what I meant when I told you to fall for me, Mr. Stark,” he quips, but he cradles Tony close, hunching around him protectively as they swing towards safety.

“Not the time, kid,” Tony grunts, eyes squeezed shut so he doesn’t have to look up at his stupid masked face.

They make it to the nearest skyscraper and Peters sets him down gingerly. It’s one of those swanky condo buildings with a green roof. There are delicate flowers and artfully trimmed shrubs, interwoven with a wooden garden path for admirers to gawk at its splendor. There’s even a fountain, bubbling happily in the center where a few pigeons coo and splash in the water.

It’s entirely too much. Tony thinks he might laugh until he abruptly vomits into a flowerpot instead, gravity finally catching up to him.

“Shit, Mr. Stark,” Peter yelps, hovering anxiously near his side, “Are you ok?”

Tony glowers, wiping his mouth on the back of his arm. “No. I’m really not.”

Peter’s mask recedes and he runs a troubled hand through his hair, mussing his curls. “Oh. Well, uh, at least we won?”

Tony peaks over the railing to confirm that, yes, they’ve won. Wanda has contained Electro in some sort of red bubble. That’s great. Fantastic. He can go back to his tower and nurse his bruised pride in solitude. Far, far away from Peter.

Except… that’s Peter’s hand on his shoulder, turning him back around. They stand face to face, toe to toe, but Tony resolutely glares down at his shoes. Refuses to make eye contact.

Because, ok, he’ll admit it. He’s been avoiding Peter. And he really, really does not want to have this conversation yet.

Or, you know, ever.

Peter fiddles nervously with the loose collar of Tony’s shirt, fingers warm even through the fabric of the Spider-Man suit where they accidentally brush against skin. “We should probably talk.”

Tony shakes him off, pulling away to beat a hasty retreat towards the exit door. “Not happening.”

Peter sighs, loud and obnoxious and insufferable, and activates his web-shooter. It snipes webfluid over the door handle, sealing it shut in a pointed rendition of the very first time they met in Peter’s bedroom.

Tony’s not sure if he wants to cry or scream. “Real mature,” he hisses, kicking the door in frustration.

Peter snorts. “One of us has to be.”

Tony crosses his arms, rolls his eyes, and slumps onto a nearby bench. He might as well get comfortable if he’s going to be stuck here. Lord knows nothing else about this situation is. “Are we really doing this? Here? Now?”

“Why not?” Peter shrugs, plopping down next to him on the bench. “It’s kinda nice up here.”

Tony scooches as far away as he can get, crossing his legs in the opposite direction and leaning against the arm rest. “If you like bugs,” he mutters darkly, flicking away a fly that had the gall to land on his jeans.

Peter snorts again. It’s annoyingly cute. “But that's the thing, Mr. Stark,” he teases, “I think you do.”

And that’s just… Wow. Not fair. How is Tony supposed to respond to that?

“I don’t,” he denies quickly, “they’re gross, Peter.” But he’s not going to win an Academy Award for his performance. Mostly it just sounds like he’s trying to convince himself.

“There’s nothing wrong with bugs,” Peter challenges. He slides over on the bench until their thighs touch. “You can let yourself like them. They won’t hurt you.”

“No,” Tony says, slow and serious, because they both know they’re not talking about bugs anymore, “but I do always end up hurting them.”

Peter lets out a short, airy breath. It sounds relieved. “That’s it? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Tony scowls.

“Sorry,” he chuckles, lips quirking as he slips a hand into Tony’s. Tony tries to pull free, but Peter laces their fingers together, expression smug. “I thought you didn’t feel the same way.”

“I don’t,” Tony repeats, but this time his denial sounds more like a question.

Despite the glimmer of amusement in his eyes, Peter nods gravely. He raises their entwined hands and brushes a soft kiss over Tony’s knuckles. Only then does he finally, finally get up to remove the webfluid from the exit door so they can both leave.

He’s such a shit. Such a cute, perfect little shit.

Tony might be ridiculously in love with him. But only if you squint, like, really hard. Because it’s not obvious at all.

#starker #tony stark x peter parker #ask game #fluff #borderline crack #no flies were hurt in the making of this story #dialogue prompt

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withthekeyisking-writer · 5 years

Note

How can you write the kind of things you write? What does it say about you that you can write things like your story An Active Imagination or A Loaded God Complex?

Y’know, usually I don’t reply to things like this ‘cuz I don’t think it helps anything, but I’m actually in a pretty good mood tonight, so I figured what the hell might as well

So buckle up kiddos, you’re going to get a lesson about the difference between WRITING dark shit, and actually condoning it to happen in real life/wanting it to happen in canon.

Hi, for those of you who do not know, my name is Quil! I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. This is not a thing I typically share, because people’s reactions can be pretty drastic. In fact, only the members of my family, some mental health professionals, and four of my friends even know I have it. So really, this is kind of my coming out to tumblr, because I’ve only told one person on here (shout out to @schweeeppess for being a phenomenal human being).

The reason I mention this, is because DID only forms when life has been less than ideal. (This is a grand oversimplification, but specifics aren’t the point.) The point is that I know how horrible the world can be, I’ve both seen it and experienced it. I am horrified by the evil this world puts out on a daily basis. I do not WRITE about horrible things because I want to see them happen to people – I write about them because they aren’t going to go away if I (if we) just pretend they don’t exist.

Sometimes, when I’m having bad days, exploring these dark topics helps me move past my trouble. Writing is a coping mechanism for sooo many people, I sure y’all can relate. But other times, when I’m not necessarily having bad days, I can still choose to explore dark concepts in my writing.

You know why?

BECAUSE IT’S FICTION.

Raise of hands for how many of you like disaster movies? Those are pretty cool, huh? I love watching “San Andreas”, that Dwayne Johnson movie, ‘cuz it’s super cool. Plus, y’know, Dwayne Johnson.

But NO ONE would EVER look at my enjoyment of that film and think for ONE SECOND that I would want to actually see San Andreas, California be hit with such a horrifying natural disaster.

You know WHY people would never assume that?

BECAUSE FICTION IS DIFFERENT FROM REALITY.

What one enjoys watching on a screen or reading in a book (or on a fanfiction website) has absolutely NO BEARING on what they would actually condone in real life.

Those two works you mentioned (“An Active Imagination” and “A Loaded God Complex”) are most certainly the most troubling ones I’ve written. Not the only ones, mind you, which I’m pretty sure you probably know considering you have clearly gone through my works. (Brave of you to be on Anon, by the way)

In AAI, I explore the idea of a child having their autonomy taken away and forced into being something they’re not. In ALGC, I explore a grown person being forced to interact with the person who controlled and abused them when they were younger, and what their reaction might be when faced with that same possible control.

I do both of these things by using the absurd (aka what wouldn’t happen in real life). In AAI, the main character is brainwashed. In ALGC, the world is literally about to be blown up. But at their core, the stories deal with the basis of things that happen all the time, and are never pleasant.

I know what it’s like to have my autonomy taken away. I know what it’s like to come face-to-face with an abuser years after the fact. So I took that basic concept, and turned it into a story. I explored how these things and emotions would affect characters in a FICTIONAL WORLD.

In my story “People Who Move the World”, I have characters who kill and manipulate without a second thought. I can write that because it’s FICTION, and I find it INTERESTING to think about what would happen when people like the main characters end up with power over a nation.

If I saw a story on the news about a child being held captive and abused for months, I would be absolutely heartbroken for that kid and their family – the fact that I wrote AAI has ZERO impact on the way I view the world, and the way I interact with it.

If a country was suddenly being controlled by two megalomaniacal psychopathic geniuses, I would be extremely concerned and afraid – PWMTW would be absolutely horrifying to see come to pass in the real world. In FICTION, it’s exciting to see play out.

I don’t even want any of this shit to take place in CANON, let alone where there are living breathing individuals who have to live through these things.

Do you understand what I’m saying, Anon? Does this make sense to you? Because I really don’t think exploring dark and harmful things in writing makes me a bad person. I think it simply means I’m human, and a pretty damn empathetic one at that.

Plus, there’s always the fact that if you don’t like dark shit like some of my works, you DON’T HAVE TO READ IT.

I tag my stories pretty extensively for just this kind of reason. Not everyone feels the same way as I do about facing these issues in writing, and that is PERFECTLY OK. Everyone is allowed to read and write what they want to read and write. What impact does it have on your life to simply scroll past something that makes you uncomfortable? Why do you feel the need to tell me I’m in the wrong and you’re in the right?

Take a deep breath, Anon, because everything is ok. If my stories (and MANY other people’s stories) aren’t for you, then don’t read them. Just roll on by. Find something that you enjoy, that makes you interested, that makes you happy.

And please, if you’d be so kind, stay away from my inbox.

-Quilian 😊

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quakerjoe · 5 years

Text

Cuppa Joe for Sun., 7 Jan 2019

I was sitting in my living room with my best mate watching “Parts Unknown” with the late Anthony Bourdain and the episode we were watching was in Welch, West Virginia. Watch it. Seriously, watch it. Listen carefully. You may just get more woke. I know I did. You see, people from regions like this are typified as hicks, hillbillies and rednecks. Well, to be fair, they are. Good ol’ coal country folk bent on guns and Jesus with a deep love of football. It’s never been my cuppa tea, honestly, but having been through places like this, I’ve experienced a couple of things. If I shut up and just listen, these folks, for the most part, are just like anyone anywhere else. They have pride in their homes, their families, their traditions, and they certainly don’t love, more or less, as frequently, or deeply as we do. Their pleasures are simple. Their tastes plain and direct. Their pains every bit as real as yours or mine.

Looking at them strictly through a political scope of late, especially since 2016 where my vision narrowed a bit, I’ve come to remember something; something that’s a bit embarrassing and certainly bears the burden of a dose of shame, now that I’ve watched this episode of “Parts Unknown”. Bourdain visited a coal mine and fired machine guns and ate the local delicacies of the area and talked to the folk, even being so brave as to broach the topic of politics in this once deeply blue, now deeply red and pro-trump part of our nation. “I’d lost my way,” I realized as I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I listened.

Now don’t get me wrong here; I’m not about to defend these poor bastards for voting for trump. Not in a million years. They didn’t do their research or homework and they’re guilty for putting that fuckwit in the White House. However, taking the time to listen to the “why” made me look a little deeper. It made me realize something. These simple folk, not overly educated but hard working, kind-hearted people, despite not being on the short path for a Pulitzer Prize for anything intelligent… might just be the geniuses we need. Sounds crazy? I’ll explain.

One of the big reasons they went trump is because HRC gave them all the impression that she was going to kill the coal industry but didn’t make the case well enough about retraining and repurposing their workforce. She ran a campaign against an industry steeped in their traditions now, generations having worked in the mines. Simply, she was an uppity city gal without a clue and she lost them. The problem here, for those unfamiliar with places like this, is that uppity city folk have ALWAYS found some way to come into their small, quiet towns, fool them into buying or investing in shit they don’t need nor want (which goes all the way back to the Carpetbaggers. Look that up if you don’t know what that is). While it brought them good paying jobs sometimes, like Big Coal did, they’re all too aware that their crops, resources and so forth are bought on the cheap there and sold by middle men for small fortunes in the big cities. They know full well they’re getting screwed, but they also don’t really have the means to exploit the market directly, eliminate the middlemen, and see that small fortune themselves. Generations have experienced making a little money while their efforts went on to make city folk pretty rich.

So why trump? In short, many feel he’s going to bring change and they like him because he “talks like they talk” and says how he feels and what he means. By now I do hope that’s changed a bit. Still, the orange fuckwit did ring a chord with these people, even though he’s a rich twat from NY. They’re confident that trump will bring change, and you know what? I just caught on that they’re right, just not in the way they’re thinking.

We’re at a strange stage of existence where the well educated are flustered at having to deal with the less educated, including that gap in religious beliefs or lack thereof. Both sides now look down their noses at one another and the chasm of contempt is obviously growing bigger and bigger. It’s no secret that we’re all getting more and more poor regardless of our level of education or faith, and because of that, the rich fuckers at the top utilize that ongoing divide to keep us from actually remembering what makes us all alike for fear we, the actual people, may rise up and literally get rid of them one way or another.

I used to think that the GOP only had eyes for corporations and their cash. It’s why I dropped my GOP leanings years and years ago. It’s one thing to want smaller federal government and fiscal responsibility, but when they’re always doing the opposite and the Democrats actually DID what the GOP’s platform was saying it was for, well, actions speak louder than words. However, I think we can all agree to some measure of other, that today’s Dems are acting like moderate GOPers of the 80’s to 90’s. As the Democrats have demonstrated in this new House, diversity is clearly something that keeps them at a respectable level on the Left, but wait… Watch this episode of “Parts Unknown”. It’s on NetFlix. Watch it and then read the rest of this. I’ll wait.

No I won’t. You know it. Still, watch it. It gave me the following epiphany here, and I’d like you to consider it. The people Bourdain talked to about trump, and we’ve heard it before too, and we mostly gaffed it off, but here’s the genius of it all- They’re right in that trump will bring change. He’s so terrible, so fucking stupid, so damaging to the country, that our only hope as a nation is to REMEMBER what makes us all Americans, not bitch about too many of the things that really don’t matter (yeah, I’ll lighten up on the religious folks, even if I think it’s all a load of bollocks) and look at things from a different angle. Here it is. This change NEEDS to happen, but not in the GOP; they’ll never change. No, seriously, they won’t. They’re loving the cash more than country. No, I mean CHANGE needs to come from the Democrats! For too long they've made dumb choices, their politicians are spineless, and their policies framed in ways that seem to look down at most of rural America (what I call #Murica). Democrats need to shut up and listen. They need to HEAR what troubles there are out there and not just wink and nod and say they’ll try to handle it, but to bloody well DO it. They need to be CLEAR what their message is.

Sanders lost a lot of support because he and his staff never actually spent the time to school the people out here on what DEMOCRATIC socialism (actually this term is incorrect if you want to split hairs- what Sanders is shooting for is Social Democracy; something we already have to a degree and it’s being stripped away and replaced with an oligarchy more and more. Also see Plutocracy) is, and the McCarthy-flashbacks kept people hearing “socialist” only and the association we were taught in school to that word relating to tyrannical countries like the USSR, China and so on and it put too many voters off. Still, Sanders creamed trump in loads of polls while HRC was sketchy; a gamble at best. She didn’t connect with the ‘simple folk’ out in the sticks and in blue territory while Sanders did. The Dems need to own their defeat, admit their part in helping trump get elected, and then move on from there. Americans are all for Progressive ideas; they just don’t trust the Dems to either have the spine to try, the balls to fight, or the strength to carry it through. Again, those people in Welch WV are right- trump will bring change, one way or another. Either we’re going to get rid of Corporate Democrats who ignore their constituents and suck corporate dicks for cash (as the GOP is famed for) and actually CHANGE by getting money out of politics and start working for “We the People”, OR they won’t, and change will still happen, only not in the way these rural folk think. It’ll be the collapse and end of the US as we know it, a division so bad that nobody will come and help because we’ve pissed off and alienated out allies and bowed down, on a global scope, to our former enemies like Russia and China and N. Korea.

So, while city mouse and country mouse may both enjoy time with their families, decent wages, decent jobs, good food, clean air and water, good education, healthcare, and the pride of being an American citizen, we need to remember that these are the important things that bind us together, not only with our fellow Americans, but our fellow human beings all across the planet. There are some things that just WON’T go away, and somewhere in here we need to agree to disagree. Abortion. Guns. It’s too late on these issues. We either respect the separation of church and state and keep abortion legal for the safety and lives of women or we don’t and admit that we’re all up for Sharia Law, #Murican style. As for guns? We’ll never fix this one EVER. Again, watch the show I mentioned earlier. The problem is that we’re so saturated with guns that it won’t matter if there are any gun laws or not. They won’t do a damned thing no matter how much I wish they would. Still, trump will bring change, like they said. The question is, will Democrats make the changes in their party that are needed to literally save the United States and possibly the world, or not change and cement in our history that they ARE the scourge that those on the right think they are?

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passionpitobsession · 7 years

Photo

Hellos! Yours truly is back again with another fic list! it’s been about two months since the last one and I think it’s about time for another one haha enjoy! again, here’s my fic rec page

Post I

Post II

Post III

under the cut are the most recent fics I’ve read ever since the last post :)

All of This Time by @feels-overloaded

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec was bad at being subtle. He was worse at being collected, more so than ever since Magnus Bane entered his life. Their first interaction at a cafe, to fate forcing them to be roommates. all Alec could do was fall deeper for this man. Pining silently was okay, but maybe storming off slamming the door on Magnus for no absolute reason didn't exactly scream 'I'm not in love with you'. Alec wasn't sure what he was doing. But maybe, just maybe, the storming off did help.

To protect by @katychan666

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec likes lazy mornings like that; Magnus asleep by his side, not a worry on his mind. Bonus points if a lazy morning like that includes a sleeping Magnus gripping tightly onto the Omamori charm, breakfast in bed and a lot of sappy words.

Lifeline by ifallonblackdays_fics

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Is Magnus the type of boyfriend who sneakily spells Alec's gear with protective wards?"

Lockdown by @247malec

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 5 & complete

Summary: What's worse than being stuck in a 24 hour Institute lockdown? Being stuck in one with your ex boyfriend, his family and lots of opinions.

My Forever by @sfjessii

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: He only becomes aware of his tears dripping from the tip of his nose when he notices them falling on Magnus’ face. His chest is excruciatingly tight, his body colder than it’s ever been, an inexplicably ominous sadness creeping in and taking a hold of him. And he hates being so weak, so useless and helpless and guilty. But none of it is any help to Magnus, so he shoves it all deep down and tries to smile at him instead, when inside, every part of him is wailing.

each soul journeys alone by paperiuni

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec take the long way home, but get there in the end.Or, Renaissance geniuses, night rain, hand-kissing, duty and love, Brooklyn Bridge, quiet revolution, and Alec giving Magnus everything he deserves.

Breathe Again by claryharry

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec take that boiling hot bath that was mentioned in 2x20. (Post 2x20 fic).

Read Me Like A Fairytale by @beautifuldinosaur

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec enjoys reading. He finds a book in Magnus' library that puts things in perspective.

Plus One by @imawriteriwrite

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 3 & complete

Summary: When Alec’s invite arrives for his brother’s wedding, he allows his best friend Magnus Bane to convince him to check “plus one”, insisting he’ll find a date by then. Only, he doesn’t. Clearly, the only thing to do is bring Magnus to the wedding as his fake boyfriend. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Take Me Away by @kayefraser

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Sometimes, Alec needs to get away. And every time, Magnus is happy to oblige.

Need some sleep by Thunderstormwithoutrage

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: He watched the rain break through the heavy grey clouds, falling down on the people gathered around the grave, adding to the salted pearls already rolling down his cheeks. The grave was a dark grey, but didn't have any words on it. He felt a hand grab his arm before pulling him away from the people. He then felt a slap on his face, strangely not hurting as much as it should have. The words that followed, on the other hand, felt harsher than anything.

Worthy Of Us by @aleclightwoodisasaltybae

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have things to talk about, and while Magnus is used to do all the talking, he sometimes forgets that choosing the right words is really important.Especially in front of a very insecure Shadowhunter.Post 2x20 end scene, Alec is insecure, Magnus loves him very much.

They're in love, why won't they just admit it? by Olive_Kacey_Fairfox

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have been friends since kindergarten, When Magnus moved in with Alec directly after highschool, no one was surprised. They'd all seen it coming. No one was surprised that they acted like a married couple either. They'd been so in love for so long that it was getting tiring waiting for them to finally get together. In fact, everyone was wondering how it would happen at this point. Clary thought something beautiful and tragic would make them confess their undying love and Simon thought that the sexual tension would blow up in their faces and they'd end up banging in a semi public place.

I'll look after you by MynameisTyberia

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus severely disliked the fact that Alec was a magnet to every single Downworlder in existence. He understands that Alec is a strong, well-trained Shadowhunter who can make any Downworlder scream in pain, but that doesn’t mean that Magnus doesn’t want to keep him completely safe and protected.

While I'm Alive by @beautifuldinosaur

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus finds himself in Alec's office where his insecurities to get the better of him. Alec shows him what he's been up to and how much he loves Magnus.

Only Thoughts by @magnnsbane

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: When Alec turns back to him, there's nothing else he sees. Still, he lets Magnus approach him. He waits only so long as there's distance before palms find the curve of Magnus’ hips.“You hungry?”Alec blinks to take in the question. “You think I'm thinking about food?”

feelings that we hide by malecyday

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec have been neighbours - and best friends - for years. Through rough days at work, to adoption, the two have been through a lot together. All they have to do now is face the feelings that they hide.

Call Me Your Darling by @milkteamiku

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec secretly likes it when Magnus calls him "darling", so when he suddenly stops, Alec takes notice.

Red Velvet by @spookyaleclightwood

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Drunk Ice Cream Man is an urban legend in Brooklyn who bears a striking resemblance to Alec.

you're in my chair by mcgnusbane

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “Uhh, Magnus?” Alec started slowly, while eyeing up the girl that Magnus apparently knew so well. “Who is this?”Everyone nodded in agreement, the suspense becoming too much.“This is Aurora…my sister,”Or the one were the gang meet Magnus' sister.

Not Ready to Lose You by @gothic--fairy

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “Magnus!” Alec could pinpoint the exact moment when Magnus lost consciousness, his knees giving up under the weight of his body. The rift was closed, thanks to his magic, but the demon managed to escape, almost taking Magnus with him.

Always by @wonderdaysoflunacy

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Magnus realised that he would do anything to take Alec’s pain away, to make his angel feel safe. That he would move the stars themselves if it meant that Alec was safe, if it meant that Alec was loved."

An ice cream gets you a (fake) boyfriend by domoiswatchingyou

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: The thing about long and annoying days is that you just simply want it to end. That's it. That's the whole thing and the idea of getting surprises it's not appealing. That's what Magnus was thinking the moment he entered the ice cream shop.

high as a pretty star by dastardlywords

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus is always beautiful, but he's otherworldly like this—raw with passion and looking at Alec like he's something worthy.

forces on the heart by @mel-iorn

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Shit - falling for Izzy’s professor was definitely not on the explicitly detailed itemized list of responsibilities for covering her advanced physics class this week.

Beloved little Blueberry by ComatoseSkyy

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “NO! NO!!! Daddy doesn’t love me. Daddy hates me. Daddy hates me because I am a downworlder!”Blueberry cried out, shocking both Alec and Magnus in their places. Both adults froze, Magnus’s eyes were wide opened and Alec felt like he had been hit by Isabelle’s whip in the face. Magnus started to get up but Alec was left frozen in place when their son stomped out of their living room into his room shared with Rafeal, crying out “I want RAFA!!!” all on the way…

Easy A by quite_magical

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 17 & complete

Summary: Alexander Gideon Lightwood has always lived life by the book. He is the responsible big brother, dutiful son and honor student. He graduated high school at the top of his class, even got named valedictorian for graduation.What will happen when he falls in love with his new college professor?

You are mine by AthenaReigns

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Alec scowled darkly down at the beer bottle sitting in front of him, hazel eyes flickering from it to the hand that was running up and down Magnus’ arm. Long, pale fingers angry picked at the label on the bottle as he remembered how he ended up sitting on the opposite side of the bar in Pandemonium."Tensions rise when Magnus helps the Shadowhunters gather information on a string of murders, revelations are made and Alec feels what it is really like to be jealous.

Agony by choppyVy

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: 2x15 Filler: Alec stays the night, makes sure Magnus is not left alone with the memories of his past. Third and final installment in this mini-series.

I love you (despite the blood on your hands) by @bettypeace

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: His boyfriend is a mob boss. Alexander – awkward, sweet, thoughtful – is a mob boss. How is this his life?

The Right Price by Marie_Tomas

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus Bane has worked as a lawyer for several years, taking his job very seriously. The Lightwoods have always been one of his major professional rivals in the city, but this hasn't stopped Magnus from falling in lust, and a little in love, with one particular member of the Lightwood family, Alec Lightwood.When shy, nervous Alec asks Magnus for his help with representing one of the Lightwoods' clients, Magnus makes a joking, flirty comment about what he would expect from Alec in return for a victory in the courtroom. A major misunderstanding happens as a result.

Just a Kiss by @booingalec

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "You are coming to the Mets game with Clary and me," he said, as though it was already fact. Alec stared at him blankly, wondering why in the world Jace would assume that he would just automatically agree to go watch a sport that he had absolutely no interest in when he could be doing other things that didn't involve dealing with large crowds of people and being social."Since when?" Alec asked, almost amused at Jace's certainty. He was a very hard person to convince when he didn't want to do something, and all of his siblings, and basically anyone who knew him at all, were well aware of that. He wondered what was up Jace's sleeve that had him looking so smug."Since I invited Magnus and told him that you were coming along."

Angels Do Exist! by @katychan666

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec, a ballet dancer, injures his knee in one of the practices and needs a surgery. The surgery goes well and as he’s waking up from the surgery and is still high on medication, he meets a pretty angel named Magnus and doesn’t want to let go of that perfect creature.

Unsteady by @asexualalexanderlightwood

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Another fake dating au! Alec is alone at a bar, waiting for Jace, when his ex walks in. Who will be there for Alec when Raj finally spots him?

Dancing Away by Keraell

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: One shot of what would happened if Alec walked into Magnus' loft earlier that evening to see his boyfriend dance with Dot? What would happened if Alec made wrong assumptions about what he saw?And then got reckless?

don't break my faded heart by @veronicaesque

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: It's not entirely unheard of for a Shadowhunter to be in Pandemonium, but it is unusual for one to be here alone. Magnus will have to deal with that, but not yet. He's having too good a time.

Scratches by 46captain46

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: After fighting about a dozen of demons, the pair goes home, with Alec's arm dripping blood. Tension hangs in the air, will they act on it and say what they have been feeling since they came back?

Anything for the Birthday Boy by @wiredinthesky

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: It's Alec Lightwoods birthday and all he wants to do is spend a lazy morning with Magnus. How can you refuse the birthday boy?Shameless little birthday romp because Alec and Magnus deserve to spend all of their immortal-husband birthdays celebrating with each other!

Lights Down Low by eddiesspaghetti

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec had been dreaming about Magnus' beautiful eyes when he was gently shaken awake, his name being whispered softly, like a memory of the word. But Alec recognized Magnus' voice almost immediately, and reached his arms out for his boyfriend.Alec pouted and heaved out a whiney sigh when Magnus didn't fall into his arms."I'm sorry. But you have to get up. I have a surprise."Alec mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes like a small child. When he finally pried his eyes open, Magnus was there, leaning over the bed. His black hair was still gelled up, although some of it was falling onto his forehead, and his eyes shimmered in the silvery glow of the moon.

You'll Never Be Alone by @malec-acolytes

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec hates tomato sandwich's but he can't stop taking the tomato and cheese sandwiches his overly attractive neighbour offers him. (AU)

Ocean Heart by @warlocksass

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus loves watching the sea, it reminds him of home. And he's never been bothered as he sat there on the beach until Alexander comes along.

Who wants to live forever? by @like-a-bucky

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: The first white hair Alec spotted in his messy dark locks one morning, in the foggy mirror of the bathroom right after his shower, nearly made him cry. Heart dropping, throat drying up suddenly, the Shadowhunter took a closer look as he tried to keep breathing and not dissolve into sobs.

The Intern by Master of Unlocking (Hikarinimichitasora)

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “You’re a sexual harassment case waiting to happen, you know that don’t you?” Catarina says by way of greeting. Magnus tears his eyes away from the way the intern is licking powder sugar off his full lips.

Hey, Good Lookin' (Whatcha Got Cookin?) by claryharry

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec tries to cook steak. Emphasis on the word "tries."

thoughts that go like bullets through you (the time you told me that you wish you were dead) by @baneofbrooklyn

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: alec finds out his father has been cheating on his mother and finds comfort in magnus in his office at 1 am after the party. (takes place post-2x08).

Silly Boyfriends Arguing Over Silly Things (A Malec Story) by EmilyRLightwood

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Four short scenes in which Alec and Magnus find themselves bickering about silly things. There is constantly glitter where Alec doesn’t want it and Magnus’s body can be quite distracting…

Love The Way You Move by LightOfBane100

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec finds Magnus dancing in the kitchen. Dancing and lots of fluff ensues. Also, it's TV show malec but i wanted to add chairman meow and church coz they are too adorable for me to exclude them.

Those eyes by Zula_blue

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec asks Magnus to show him his eyes without a glamour

Mr Lightwood Will See You Now by ConeyIslandBlitz

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have a one-on-one.

eyes on fire by amoralec

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus gets Alec wound up in the middle of a Downworlder meeting

Your hands are tough (but they're where mine belong in) by @seeliebookclub

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Inspired by Todd Slavkin's tweet about Malec in the kitchenJust some of everyone's fave Soft Domestic Boyfriends™

Antihistamine by @tinylilemrys

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec's first thought upon seeing the flowers is panic (Who left these? How did they get in here? Why would the intruder leave flowers of all things?), but when he turns off his Shadowhunter brain long enough to take a look at the card, he's pleasantly surprised to find that the mysterious flowers are from Magnus. It's the most thoughtful, beautiful gift anyone has ever given him.Unfortunately, because the universe is cruel, he’s also deathly allergic to them.

Come Back To Me by @vannita22

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Malec prompt: Magnus losing control over his magic and Alec having to help talk him down or whatever and when Magnus comes out of it he freaks out because holy shit he could have hurt/killed Alec and angst turned fluff lol

read me, you know how i feel by @queerindigo

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "I'm tired," Alec stated. "I'm tired, and it's six in the morning, and we have a dead man with no ID."Magnus continued to smile. "I can think of less fun things," he said.

The Advantages of Gift Giving by predilection

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec learns that Magnus isn't used to receiving gifts. Naturally, he decides to do something about this.

#shadowhunters #malec #malec fic rec #malec fanfic #magnus bane #alec lightwood #fanfics #text #I think I've read almost as many fics as I did the last time I posted a list #btw they're not in order #usually I have them be in order of when I read them #but this time I didn't really airdrop them from my phone by time I read them

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theimpressionnant · 6 years

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RANT (because I don’t express my feelings in real life)

DISCLAIMER : *i’m really bad at writing down my thoughts, so if they appear all over the place, and just messy, you know why :/*

This is also the first time i’ve ever written down my feelings, so its pretty must just a vomit of words

So 2016 and 2017 have probably been one of the worst years ever, in terms of personal and academic.

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am as a person, if that even makes sense. It’s like things have gotten so bad for me, and my expectations so high, that I’m not really the person I feel like I imagine myself to be? I like to think of myself as a smart person, but then looking at my ‘achievements’ nothing says ‘smart’. And as a result Ive kinda lost who I am as a person. Am I that smart, productive confident person I was? Or was that just a phase? At the same time, I feel like I know myself so much that I end up second guessing myself, mostly telling myself that something bad will happen, and that I wont achieve my goals. And it often, it does happen. These two years I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, but i’ve reached no success.

And also, I cant seem to achieve anything. Putting myself down has sort of become a second nature to me. Any aspect of life I feel like i’m a failure. And to a certain extent I do believe it. Its sort of like a ‘why me’ sort of thing. Why would I succeed? Why would I be successful? ‘nothing successful happens to me, so why should I be able to achieve anything?’ And as a result, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate in the coming year, because I don’t see myself there. The students in my class are freaking geniuses. Im literally the dumbest person there. They’ve got all their shit together, and then there’s me. Its been stressing my out so much that I completely trashed my mid year exams, and as a result, had to sign a contract saying that if I don’t pass all my classes in the end of year exams, I’ll get kicked out of the international baccalaureate programme, because I may not be able to cope with the workload. Thing is, I feel like I can, but then i have this load of negativity on my back that I can’t shake off because I feel like everything i tell myself is true. And I dont say it out of self pity. I say this out of objectivity. I can’t handle lies like 'I will succeed’ or that ‘i’ll make it’ when I know I won’t. And its so annoying. I wanna believe in myself. But I don’t wanna disappoint myself, and put myself even further down by telling myself that I will succeed, but then fail. Because that means i just lied to myself, just gave myself false hope. I feel like thats my biggest fear. To promise myself, or to tell myself that I’ll succeed, and then not do so. Because I’ve done that too much. Worked so hard and then failed when I told myself that I will succeed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through it again and again, because it makes it even more painful than it already is to just be me. I feel like I cant love myself if I fail. And i’m going to be honest. At the moment, I hate myself. I really do. Sometimes I cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, because I dont feel like looking at a stupid piece of failure. Intelligence has always been something i liked to define myself as. And I always used to define myself with it. But now i feel like nothing. Because i have noting to define myself as. Those numbers I used to define myself as are not worth even mentioning. So I’m kinda nothing right now.

And I know i shouldn’t define myself as my grades. But its pretty hard to do so when my whole life is determined by the number I get in the end of next year. It’s an obsession I really want to get rid of.

but Its not only me that can’t understand myself (lol what?), its others.

And I don’t say it out of 'coolness’ or 'ugh, nobody understands me’

It’s a genuine feeling of isolation.

Since was a child, I would have this really bad habit of rejecting people in general, because I feel like they hate me, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I just feel like it’s safer to get rid of them first then have go go through the pain of being told, go away or something. Because that makes me think of myself horribly, which again, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. And as a result. I’ve blocked out everyone I feel like I could’ve had good connections with. And I just feel so alone lol help.

But then again I have my family, the only people I haven’t crossed out of my life (and never will) and thats better than anything.

Come to think of it, I kinda feel everyone hates me. Teachers, family friends, people I sometimes talk to at school. Its crazy. And the thing is, i know they probably don’t, but yet I can easily convince myself otherwise. Ask for a pen in class? Yup they hate me. Who wouldn’t? I literally asked for a pen in the middle of class. Asked what we had for homework because i was away? They probably think i’m dumb, and therefore, they hate me. Its as simple as that. But its so convincing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s stupid, but I believe it. And as a result, I feel like the whole world is watching me, because they hate me. Like every move I make is being judged. Walking to next class? Eating? Walking into a shop? I’m so annoying. They must hate me. And it gets exhausting. I dont want to deal with it. Even my siblings get annoyed with my constant cringing in public places.

But the thing is, I can’t talk to people about my personal feelings, i find it so cringe. But at the same time I want to get rid of it. Because it’s been affecting my studies a lot. And Since I’m starting year 12 very soon, I want to fix it before the stress starts.

I don’t know, it’s just one of those things about myself that i just cant articulate.

I think its because of my general self esteem as well? Like I’ve picked up this really bad habit of never looking at my grades after a test. I remember when my grades used to be really high, i would be reaallly eager to get my grade. Expecting nothing under a 90%, and I would get just that. But now, when i get the paper back, I would just put the paper in my folder without looking at the mark, and have to prepare myself over hours to look at it, so that if i would get a bad mark i wouldn’t panic and tell myself negative things. Which AGAIN, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. Its gone to the extent that I haven’t opened my exam results, and they were released three weeks ago. I mean, I haven’t been called, like other students have, about their bad results, and it’s summer holidays now, so schools done, but I feel like they’re saving the worst till last. I don’t intend on looking at my marks, because I just don’t want to disappoint my family, who think i’m a dream student. I don’t even know if I failed or passed the exams. And I studied for them like no tomorrow, but its just a fear of looking at my results. Even if i where to look at my results, I feel like nothing is enough for me. Regardless of my grades. Even if I get a reasonably good score, I’ll find an excuse to tell myself such as 'any idiot could have gotten a 97%’ or 'it was by chance (whatever the hell that means) or anything else along those lines.

And I’ve realised how dumb I sound when i think all of these thoughts.

and so i’ve come to realisation that if I want to at least pass year 12, I really need to stop with these toxic thoughts. Because they’ve messed me up emotionally and academically.

I really miss years 2014, 2015. Those years were the best. Remembering them makes me really sad. I just miss the simplicity, grades, and good memories :)

For me, 2018 will be a year of working on myself, good grades, healthy lifestyle and just good vibes <3 Oh, and also graduation hopefully^-^

Im sorry if this is so dull. I promise I’m not as sad and depressed it looks like. Words dont show tone and facial expression lol

#2018 #2017 #2016 #self evaluation #personal #rant #new year

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dr-awo · 4 years

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We gucci? I think we gucci... || Ken || Final Trial || RE: Suguri

While he was awkwardly keeping his distance over by the closest real people he could, he listened to Suguri's explanation. Huh... this was more relieving than he thought. He cast a glance over to Mugen... Maybe.. there wasn't anything to worry about with her after all. Ken began the slow walk back, not as worried about how close he stood to Suguri after all.

"So you're really on our side.. So how did you get in good standings with Neo Resurgence? Have you been playing a double crosser or something? The more I hear about this group, the less confident I am in that they're the evil geniuses they think they are. Getting duped by Takashima thinking Miike was mastermind material, these guys are fucking idiots."

Walking past the nonliving silhouettes of their dead classmates though was a reminder that even if they were idiots, they were dangerous people... A shame they all had to die by the will of some asshole buffoons.

"But If you're so sure about who the mastermind is, why can't you just go ahead and say it? I don't think anyone minds you saving us the trouble! Sorakuma can't do shit to you, and who cares what that shitty bear thinks anyway? Quit beating around the bush and get this over with!"

Ken doesn't mind if they speed this along. The sooner they find the real mastermind, the sooner they can get out of here and, the sooner he...

As he reaches is proper podium once more, something Suguri says catches him... and it doesn't sound good.

"Wait... What the hell do you mean The future foundation isn't coming for us?? Are you serious... your sister went to them and they really not doing shit? Is that official? That's not just some... bullshit scare tactic from the mastermind or something?"

Ken didn't have any real faith in the organization in the first place... in fact, Ken had zero respect for any form of authority. But this was all the FF was for, wasn't it? Making sure things like this didn't happen? Or stopping them or...

"...Guess all the Future Foundation is good for is dying in these things..."

How... disappointing. He could understand them not coming for him, but there were... good people here. And everyone being left to rot in this game... It seems maybe Ken was never completely wrong about his world view. Sometimes people are just meant to suffer.

#chapter 6 #ken #submission

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unstressessary · 7 years

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Popcorn Necessary

I’ve gotten away from the purpose of this blog, which was to keep track of myself throughout my father’s cancer battle. (I’ve never worded it that way before.. but essentially, that’s it..) And honestly, that’s not entirely because I’m lazy. Up until recently, there really hasn’t been anything to update on. Get ready.. it’s a long one..

A couple months ago my cousin died (see: the end of this post) and I called my dad to tell him about it. It was a month or two after his benefit and he told me that he was told he had to stop the chemotherapy for a few months. His blood levels weren’t where they were supposed to be or something.. He doesn’t usually give me a lot of details, they’re hard to remember sometimes and I’m sure he doesn’t really understand all of them anyway. Bottom line, pause the treatment. I asked if they knew why.. he explained it was either something to do with all the medication or “it could be the beer I’ve been drinking. They’re not sure which.”

I really don’t need to explain why this is upsetting, but I’m going to anyway. The man has tubes coming out of his kidneys because they’re not well enough to function on their own. Busch Light isn’t going to help anything. I understand alcoholism is a bitch to kick.. but dude, you’re going to die. At this point, pretty much everything you do is going to affect when you’re going to die. And I’ve thought about it a lot.. I don’t think my dad would go through this treatment for himself. I’m 90% positive he’s doing it for his wife. He just wants to live his life. Drink his beer, hunt and fish (he’s not very good at either tbh) and party with his friends. He hates how much the tubes limit his ability to do all of these things. I don’t blame him for drinking anyway, if that’s what he wants to do. If anyone was honestly concerned about it, they wouldn’t have it around him and they would take it from him if he happened upon it somehow. No one is stopping him, and he doesn’t want to stop himself. It’s hard for an otherwise healthy alcoholic to stop drinking.. being terminally ill and an alcoholic? Forget it.

So his chemo is on pause but he’s still got the tubes and is still undergoing hormone therapy (I assume to reduce chances of the prostate swelling any more..) and this is where he’s been for, to the best of my knowledge, a couple months.

Fast forward to Saturday, July 15th, 2017.

I get a call from my step-sister, Sam. Sam says my dad has been admitted to the VA Hospital and that they’re concerned his lung collapsed. She said she was on the way out of town with her dad, she wasn’t at the hospital, this was all she knew, and that I should call her mom for more info, “if you want.” Of course I want. I immediately called my step-mom and she tells me that they’re waiting for a doctor to hear results from some test. He tried to speak with me but couldn’t catch his breath long enough to say more than a couple words at a time.. He told me he loves me and handed the phone back. They both sounded pretty scared.

Turns out.. they went in on Wednesday of that week (4 days before, for all you geniuses out there) for a routine tube change. She said they replace his kidney tubes every three months and it’s no big. Apparently, when the doctor put the second tube back in, my dad buckled. It’s not comfortable to have these things put in, but from what I understand, it’s never that painful. Normally, they get these tubes replaced and hop in their car and head home. This time, my dad was feeling funny, was in a bit of pain, and decided maybe he was hungry. So they stopped in the hospital cafeteria to grab something before heading home. The second my dad sat down, he said it was radiating pain in his chest/shoulder area. My step-mom grabbed a nurse, who came over, asked a couple questions, then very calmly told another nurse to dial some code. She did, some hospital-wide announcement was made and my dad was swarmed with nurses, doctors and policemen. They thought he was having a heart attack.

My dad was wheeled away, underwent a bunch of blood tests, EKG’s, CT scans, etc, etc.. eventually they did an X-Ray of his chest and found that it wasn’t anything to do with his heart.. there was a pocket of air and fluid forming underneath his lung. They concluded that the only possibility was that the doctor replacing his tube grazed his lung and scraped away the protective barrier around his lung.

Eventually, and I’m a little unclear about the timelines so bear with me.. They ended up removing the tube on the corresponding side and immediately he said he felt relief. The doctor responsible is refusing to believe that this happened. She blamed it on a faulty computer reading or some bullshit, claiming “we’ve done this procedure a thousand times, this could never happen, etc, etc...” They keep him for a couple days on oxygen and antibiotics and on Saturday told him they needed him to walk a little bit and see how it went. He walks a bit down the hallway and a doctor comes up and says something like “whoa whoa.. who told you to do this? This wasn’t ordered....” and almost immediately my dad’s oxygen levels plummeted. They got him stabilized, and this is when they called me. They were afraid his lung had been punctured and had collapsed.

My step-mom did say one thing that stuck with me.. she said “I need you to know, that we are not trying to leave you out of any of this. We came in for what we thought was just a routine thing and it turned into this shit show.” She said they love me, they’re afraid I’m mad at them, that really, she hasn’t had a chance to call anyone, her kids only knew because they live with them.. and that they knew I’d be there in a heartbeat if I had known.. (Did I mention they drive like 35 minutes to get to the hospital which is maybe... 2 minutes from where I live?) This seemed like a bad time to tell them that “Yes, I have felt left out and also here are 500 other things I’m upset about:” so.. I stayed quiet. She promised to update me on everything in the future, even the minor stuff. Apparently, within the four days he was there, my aunt from Wisconsin called to bitch out the doctor twice and my step-brother had threatened to call at least once.

I spent all of Saturday thinking he was going to die. I said “Today is the day.” out loud to myself over and over. Instead, they let him leave that day, with oxygen (a whole team came to their house and put up signs and set up his machine...) and antibiotics and Responsible Dr. Lung Scraper says “You know you have to come back in two weeks and have that tube replaced, right?” She is still refusing to admit any fault. They’re not going after her for anything. Dad says the VA is their only option for treatment and they can’t sue them and then keep going back for treatment.

I visited on Sunday for a couple hours and got all of the above details. He seemed like he was trying to be in good spirits, making jokes and funny faces at my step-mom, etc.. but he was also very honest about being in pain and how miserable he was. He says it’d be different if the doctor had just admitted her mistakes and apologized. He hates being waited on and he hates not being able to go anywhere or do anything for himself. He’s terrified of going back in 2 weeks for the replacement replacement tube. I couldn’t help but notice the hospital bands he’s wearing. One is a fall risk bracelet, which makes sense because he can’t walk 15 feet without having to sit down and catch his breath. He can’t even stand up without my step-mom supporting most of his weight. The other bracelet was a DNR bracelet. Meaning, if his heart stops, it stops for good. It’s not my decision and it doesn’t feel like my place to ask about it, so I didn’t bring it up.

Again, my step-mom apologized for keeping me out of the loop and opened the window for a discussion about it.. but again, I didn’t say anything. I really wish I would have, because I hate thinking about it and I hate thinking that maybe they don’t know about some of the shitty things their friends said to me about the benefit (or even probably some innocent things that I took as personally offensive) but in the end, that becomes an issue about me.. and I’m trying to avoid any of this being about me. That’s what this blog is for. Besides, I don’t need to make them feel bad for something that’s already happened, if they’re promising to correct that behavior, right? Yes, it’d probably make me feel better, but fuck.. my dad can’t even breathe on his own. It’s not my time to guilt-trip anyone.

Checked in with my step-mom for an update today. She says he’s “still down in the dumps getting jacked around by the VA” but that he’s feeling much better. I figured I’d have to be the one to reach out for updates, and that’s okay, I’m sure they’re being swarmed with a bunch of other people doing the same thing. And this time, there aren’t any huge updates, only that he’s feeling better.

At this point, I just hope she keeps her promise.

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