#suffering at my own hands

[atticollateral]

having adhd makes me want to scream because i am so full of ideas but they're ALL DIFFERENT IDEAS!!!! do you understand how hard it is being the adhd king that i am, the embodiment of jack of all trades master of none, do you understand-- I am suffering at the hands of this bastard known as mySELF. I fucking hate it here. If time could slow down a little and give me some breathing room? I'd be golden.

#i'm just trying to eat my fucking chapagetti #but my brain wants to draw #and my hands want to stop working #and i desperately need to do my homework #and i NEED to finish my d&d campaign so we can actually start PLAYING. #suffering at my own hands #adhd #adhd problems #adhd brain #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #actually adhd #audhd

[inkskinned]

the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.

capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.

now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.

and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.

and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.

and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".

it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"

#this was much longer i had to cut it down for legibility #but i do want to say i am aware this post doesnt touch on human rights violations as a result of fast fashion #that is because it deserves its own post with a completely different tone #i am an environmental educator #so that's what i know the most about. it wouldn't be appropriate of me to mention off-hand the real and legitimate suffering #that people are going through #without doing my research and providing real ways to help #this is a vent post about a thing i'm watching happen; not a call to action. it would be INCREDIBLY demeaning #to all those affected by the fast fashion industry to pretend that a post like this could speak to their suffering #unfortunately one of the horrible things about latestage capitalism as an activist is that SO many things are linked to this #and i WANT to talk about all of them but it would be a book in its own right. in fact there ARE books about each level of this #and i encourage you to seek them out and read them!!! i am not an expert on that i am just a person on tumblr doing my favorite activity #(complaining) #and it's like - this is the individual versus the industry problem again right because im blaming myself #for being an expert on environmental disaster (which is fucking important) but not knowing EVERYTHING about fast fashion #i'm blaming myself for not covering the many layers of this incredibly complicated problem im pointing out #rather than being like. yeah so actually the fault here lies with the billion dollar industries actually. #my failure to be able to condense an incredibly immense problem that is BOOK-LENGTH into a single text post that i post for free #is not in ANY fucking way the same amount of harm as. you know. the ACTUAL COMPANIES doing this ACTUAL THING for ACTUAL MONEY. #anyway im gonna go donate money while i'm thinking about it. maybe you can too. we can both just agree - well i fuckin tried didn't i #which is more than their CEOs can say

[ourflagmeanssteddyhands]

today i learned that in the 1700s beauty marks (referred to as mouches) held different meanings based on where they were placed. wearers would put one near the corner of their eye when in love, and one one their cheek to indicate flirtatiousness.

so that COULD mean izzy deliberately erased his ‘taken’ X and redrew it to say ‘available’??

i hate myself.

#ofmd spoilers #ofmd season 2 #ofmd s2 #izzy hands #our flag means death #edizzy #steddyhands #ofmd #con o'neill #our flag means pain and suffering #literally sobbing #somebody take away my internet because i keep hurting my own feelings

[vegaseatsass]

DFF Finale

Alright alright alright that took me on a rollercoaster like some REAL high lows in that episode, I love an ambiguous ending but also I crave so much more closure owwwwwwww However for now I'm just coming to share my theory. Ever since this post pointed out that New hallucinated Non in his death t-shirt, I've been sitting on the idea that the Janta drugs have actual supernatural qualities. These aren't just any old hallucinogens New cooked up, they're a strain of a drug that serves a specific purpose for a death cult. So now that EVERYONE hallucinated Non in his death t-shirt, even though Tee is the only one who ever saw him in it, and it's highkey unlikely that he described the shirt Non was wearing to them at any time (and certainly not to New when he hallucinated Non wearing it years ago), I would like to propose the theory that the ghost of Non they see is a very real very true ghost, and the things he says to them are very real very true things. The "thank you" he gives New is not a figment of New's troubled mind, but what Non actually has to say to him, just like everything else he says to everyone else: their actions may be the product of their guilt, but Non is actually speaking his ghostly mind to each of them.

#which means his message to tee was like why the fuck didn't you let me DIE #the way you tried to help me just prolonged my suffering #but yeah :( #there's ambiguity about if anything we saw happen this ep actually happened which means EYE shall of course be living in delulu land #with picking and choosing my own ending hehe #and that means there's ambiguity with this of course #is new hallucinating forgiveness and closure to make his desperate actions have meaning and value #or is non actually grateful someone fought for him? #we just don't know! #but i want that tragic final hand touch to be real #so it is. to ME #dead friend forever #dff #dff spoilers #dff the series spoilers #dear diary

[beanghostprincess]

The fact that shuggy will probably get one of them dies while they were on bad terms ending makes my want to die

..... Gotta be honest, I actually really, really, really want one of them to die. I genuinely think it's going to be Shanks because bold of you to assume a dear beloved mentor that shows up every 200 chapters survives in a shonen manga. That for starters. Let's get ready to say goodbye to the silly redhead because that man is dying for sure. It'd make sense that Buggy died instead/too but whatever, one of them has to die and I will not have it otherwise.

But!!! But here's the thing. Do I want the angst of these two not being able to make amends and Buggy mourning Shanks' death? Buggy showing that he cares after Shanks' death? After it's too late? Maybe even seeking revenge because somebody killed him? Or perhaps hating himself a bit more than what he already does because he didn't reach out to him sooner?

Or do I want these two to make amends and get along for a little while, fighting side by side, to then witness Shanks' death and see Buggy suffer the loss of his best friend? This time accepting his death is easier but it still bothers him that they didn't have enough time to be together.

Oda loves Buggy's character too much to not do anything amazing and angsty with these two, so I am not worried about it. I just know that I'm gonna cry a whole lot and I am going to want to die right after seeing one of them dying. So I get it, anon, it kills me. But as a writer though?????? I need them to suffer. I will want to die, yes, but do you realize how good and angsty it would be???

#it's just so good their story is so well-written i want to kill them with my own hands and see them suffer <- normal writer thoughts ig #no but seriously shanks is not surviving this manga #i mean you could kill buggy instead but it wouldn't be as shocking for luffy #then again maybe buggy getting a huge character development and dying would be equally as tragic and good characters always die #idk i'm not sure what oda has planned but i'm pretty sure they will at least fight side by side before one of them dies #one piece #shuggy #buggy the clown #red haired shanks

[tianhai03]

warm up sketch that took way longer than it shouldve

#i solved my homework problems today (i gave up and handed in like 20% of what i was supposed to do) and took a long nap #and now ive just. forgotten how to draw. even though i literally drew something like two days ago #im in pain. but hey at least i have time to draw my own stuff now for a bit before my next sem starts lol #gonna try and finish everything i can before i have to go back to suffering for school... #devil may cry #dante(dmc) #allyart

[lovecoredeity]

fun scene idea that I’ll probably never get around to drawing: someone grabbing a wanted poster from a board or wall only to reveal a missing persons poster featuring the same person as on the wanted poster underneath it (also the reward for them as a wanted person is higher than the reward for returning them when they were missing)

#basically this is something fun I imagine for my oc cashmere #as of right now she’s simply missing (presumed to be kidnapped at least that’s what the family she is from told people) #as of rn in her story she isn’t wanted for anything but that can change I’ll probably have her (attempt to) commit treason against her #own family or something #I think it would be fun that her family is willing to spend less when she’s missing than when they’re mad at him and want him back to be #punished for angering them #I have attempted to draw this out before but was like #it would be better as like an animation tbh but #I can’t animate I’m not going to animate my tablet does not even have the storage for me to animate #maybe a quick animatic if anything but like #idk #it’s more of a fun idea than anything #I imagine what leads to cashmere committing treason is that upon being back in the hands of their family they begin to realize that they #can’t lie to theirself anymore their family is terrible and the reason they died in the first place and snaps #i feel like they found themselves in a situation where they attacked someone out of fear and rage and blah blah that is seen as treason #it would probably be his dad that gets attack im ngl conquest deserves it #or they accidentally hurt them out of fear #I am unsure #*shrug emoji* I’m just making up shit for cashmere as I see fit and per what I find most interesting and fun <3 #also cashmere is my only oc rn who would have both a missing and a wanted poster #sure most of my ocs would find themselves wanted for one reason or another or targeted by others #but some cashmere is useful as a tool to their family and having a runaway child is bad for their reputation they’d ofc want her back to #keep her quiet and keep people from finding out that she ran away #they also still think she’s sickly and wouldn’t want anyone to find out who she is that she’s sickly and for word to spread #basically they want cashmere back so their reputation isn’t damaged and so they can go back to using her as they please #I put a lot of suffering into this character #and I will continue to do so because as my favourite this is what happens #sorry I’m babbling

[sukugo]

This idea is eating my brain. Sukuna being a shameless insatiable freak towards Gojo and an in-denial thirsty freak towards Itadori.

He wants Gojo. He pursues him without relent. Sukuna wants to wreck the man and paint him red all over. He wants to taste his heart and know if he is as sweet as the desserts he gorges himself full with.

Sukuna wants to pry Gojo open and eat him out clean. He wants to climb over him and crawl inside of him. Their bodies becoming one and no one can ever tell where Sukuna start and Gojo ends anymore.

Sukuna desires that more than anything.

But he cannot understand why he sees himself doing it in the body of the brat that once caged him.

Instead of imagining his own four arms bringing Gojo towards his end begging and moaning for mercy he would never receive, Sukuna fancies it to be that of the annoying mouthy fool.

Clumsy hands and eager fingers. Unable to control the strength they possess that they break Gojo in. Cracking bones. Shattering spirits.

Gojo will be quivering. The brat will whimpering. Sukuna will be feasting.

The sweetness of their despair and richness of their blood sit heavy on his tongue. Salty tears spilling from confusion and frustration just makes his mouth water for more.

But what Sukuna craves more from their joining in his fantasy, was the forbidden taste of desire for the impossible and unthinkable - desecration of something sacred and twisting of kindness so profound.

Sukuna wants Gojo through the Brat. It is driving him insane.

SCREAAAAAAAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

SHIT THAT'S SOOOOO GOOD OH MY GOD. AND SO SO SO CORRECT

it's a mix of his desire to break yuuji (derogatorily) and break satoru (affectionately) and it mixes up into this absolute mess of feelings for all of them involved and fuuuuuccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

#f.ask #as the kids say nowadays: YOU COOKEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #fr going insane oh my goddffddddd #like. everytime ive read this since u sent it ive been like 'holy shit' #like gjdfhgksdhkfjrhgfisjioddshiuohdsfuighfksdhjkdfhgsdfdsgs #and it makes so much SENSE. #sukuna wants satoru more than anything. he's the strongest. he wants to break him more than anything. #taste him more than anything. #but at the other hand he DESPISES yuuji. #wants nothing to do with him #wants nothing more than the boy to suffer. and what better way than to make HIM violate the people he loves so much. #his beloved teacher who yuuji loves. with his OWN hands. there is nothing that will crush him more than that #but that comes with facing that he needs to be joined to the boy who has caged him. #the boy that makes his entire being quake in disgust. in absolute disdain. #obsessed anon im OBSESSED #jjk #sukugo #sukugoyuu #anon i love u #bc sukuna HAS such convoluted feelings about yuuji. #vs the clarity of his desire of gojo #love it love it love ittttttttttttttttttttttttttt

[hiimawarish]

I think the worst part of Nanami's death animated wasn't even his death itself, it was seeing the utter pain and helplessness of Yuuji as he realized what was happening. The way he screams his name? The way he runs to him? The way he screams at Mahito right after? That absolutely destroyed me.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk nanami #nanami kento #natsu.txt #i'm still shaking yes #but i think i am a little calmer precisely because i suffered by my own hand #i wasn't ready #and i don't think i would ever be #but i'm trying #and in my mind we're living in Malaysia by the beach #with our twin boys

[pennyserenade]

guys we have to take peaky blinders from the straight cis men i’m not even fucking around. i have like five more weeks of school left but after that i’m about to go strong with this agenda bc tommy shelby can’t be understood by them they way he needs to be understood. he’s trapped! they’re thinking his toxic masculinity is a good thing! they watched him try to kill himself sixty times between the years 1924 to 1934 and they thought ‘we need more men like that.’ they don’t know anything about his white horse and the purity of childhood he’s been chasing his entire adult life. they don’t understand the injustice of it all. it doesn’t make them sick to their stomachs!!!

#misc. #it might actually but not nearly enough for my comfort #i think peaky blinders is very brilliant in the way it handles the masculinity of that time #in the way they depict it as a fucking miserable and inescapable existence that does nothing but creates more misery #the fact that there’s multiple generations of shelby men who were born and breed and taught violence and anger #and all they ever do is suffer at their own hands #i think all the fucking time about arthur shelby and that scene where he beats that one man who is helping his wife #and how lady grinning soul plays in the background and how later he tells tommy #he’s a good man but his hands are the hands of the devil #and it’s so fucking pathetic and sad. and these cis men don’t understand the depth of it #they don’t get that these reticent cool men they take to be the apex of masculinity #have spent so much of their life wishing they weren’t the way they were #and everyone suffers. everyone. the poison of patriarchy is the most potent

[ride-a-dromedary]

I have no base for this, but Halsin seems like the type who would settle in the middle of the group with fruits (that he likely foraged) and little wooden bowl in tow and just start cutting them unprompted and offering them to everyone else.

#BG3 Musing #Halsin #Halsin Posting #i cannot get over him telling shadowheart he would feed her and carry around her bowl if she were a goldfish #you know what i'm talking about right - like the little paring knife cuts them in his hands #at first it just looks like he's doing it for himself but like halsin just eats things sans cutting them lbh #it's a clever and nonchalant way for him to share because others are more likely to take small pieces than like a whole apple yk? #we should all benefit from the bounty we are provided every day and all that #and eventually near everyone just starts...taking it from him and he smiles and continues #i think my other basis for this is halsin just doesn't like seeing people suffer - whether that be neglecting their basic needs #(because he neglects his own self enough lmao but lemme not neglect my friends though they're important) #or isolating themselves or what and it stems from his desire of just wanting to help #and feels absolutely no offense if they brush him off #like okay but it'll still be here if you want it later ^_^ #that's also why i am a sucker for the 'halsin offers to let astarion drink from him' trope in fics #because it goes along with the 'i don't want you to suffer and if i can help i will' even though as a druid #technically your existence is very dodgy to me (but halsin is just a nice person! that's really the long and short of it) #but like obviously disapproves if you do it without permission lol

[noscomnias]

"even though we may take different paths, i am... still his little sister."

#PLATONIC!!! #brainrot ahead.. #thought a little too hard abt sunday and robin literally being madoka and homura (AGAIN PLATONIC I NEED TO STRESS THIS) #sunday did EVERYTHING all for the sake of humanity and his sister.. he made countless mistakes to help her and even avenge her (alleged) #death and making himself worse? becoming order itself? hurting himself mentally? all for robin. all for His People #he became so obsessed with control and making sure everything went right but every single time thjngs found a way to backfire #so even though he was protecting robin it still caused her harm in the end bc of his own selfish desires.. literally homura.. #and in the end? robin (madoka) saved him despite him trying to save Her. and it worked. #they did it all for the sake of each other and sunday accepts robins help despite wanting the upper hand because its his sister. he was #expecting to fall and die alone because its what his mindset was. he thought he deserved to fall and suffer. but robin saved him!!! #MADOHOMU DO EVERYTHING FOR THE SAKE OF EACH OTHER AND HOMURA HAS THE SELFISHNESS AND URGE TO SAVE MADOKA #AND IN THE END EVEN THOUGH HOMURA WANTED TO HELP HER SHE HURT MADOKA (SEPARATING MADOKAMI AND TEEN MADOKA IN REBELLION) #AND MADOKA SAVED HER FROM BECOMING A WITCH ANYWAY!! BECAUSE SHE LOVED HER!!! #they are such. ugh. platonic doomed sibling love thsy make me so GHHGJHG #my art #honkai star rail #hsr #penacony #sunbin #art #artists on tumblr #robin hsr #sunday hsr #hsr fanart #sunrobin #pmmm #madoka magica #third piece of art ive done with pmmm undertones? yep

[revenantghost]

I love that we don't even need to see Wolfwood's inspiration or know his thoughts to understand exactly who taught him to move and think like this. Someone who trusted him so completely with every fight, with every plan, with every movement. Someone so full of love and faith, it's no wonder that such a scared, evil, vicious man couldn't think of doing anything like this.

Get fucked, Chapel

#Trigun #TrigunBookclub #I hate Chapel I fucking HATE HIM #I NEED HIM TO SUFFER!!!!!!!! #Even the other characters I hate in Trimax #I understand and empathize with right #But Chapel? #I's strangle him with my own bare hands LET ME AT HIM #WHO DOES THIS SHIT TO CHILDREN #FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU #Anyway

[jondrettegirls]

[ID: A comic of Enjolras and Grantaire from “Les Misérables.” Grantaire is saying, “And I’ll be nice to you, ever so nice.” He takes Enjolras’s hand, and continues, “Only you must be nice to me, too.” A short silence is marked as Enjolras breaks the hold. He asks, “Are you really—attracted by me?” End ID.]

“Very much indeed.”

#this isnt relevant to barricade day #but i had these old doodles that i never liked enough to post so. might as well post smthing for barricade day pt 2 #on my own. #on my art. #les mis #barricade day #exr #does this belond in my fic tag perhaps even… sure #tbdc #enjoltaire #grantaire #enjolras #les miserables #the reason i remembered these was cuz i was trying to remember what the lyric ‘be good to me i beg of him’ reminded me of #and i realized it was ‘ill b nice to u ever so nice. only u must b nice to me too.’ #omg u know what else im thinking abt now. the whole #‘but u said we’re going to hurt each other.’ ‘do i look as if i wanted to hurt u?’ ‘one can never tell.’ ‘no. far more likely ull hurt me— #—but no matter. if im going to suffer it might as well be at your hands- your pretty hands.’ #ugh i might need to draw them w that exchange sometime

[lady-tortilla-chip]

Oh there is something so fucking good to me about Damen killing Auguste for glory and on behalf of his kingdom and father whereas Laurent kills Kastor on Damen’s behalf because he understood Damen couldn’t do it himself.

#it’s the way they both took something from the other #but where Damen took (unaware and uncaring since he didn’t know Laurent or much beyond his own prejudices against Vere) Laurent’s home #Laurent ended Damen’s suffering under the wrath of a man who didn’t love him as brother and saw him only as an obstacle #it’s !!! just!!!! #it’s the way Laurent went to Damen and they both understood each other better than they ever had before #because how they wore that weight and guilt #regardless of reasoning #the had the blood of each other’s family on their hands #ooobskfjekleiflwlakrf #damen x laurent #my feelings are so big rn oh man #captive prince

[0rchidm4ntis]

At least the moon will keep him company in the dead of night

#micas art #twst #twisted wonderland #malleus draconia #a little bit of context for this: #this is based on my headcanon that malleus suffers from insomnia #there is something weirdly isolating and lonely about the night #when the world gets quiet and cold and dark and you feel like the only moving breathing thing in it #what could he do but wait for it to pass on his own? #its no ones burden to bear but his own and hes not some child who needs to be coddled to sleep #(but maybe. just maybe on the nights where it gets particularly bad he might crave a soft hand to gently comb through his hair) #(hes seem lilia do it countless times for silver when he was little. the memory always makes his bed feel a little bit colder) #also for anyone curious (and bc im unsure i drew it very well) the flower is a white chrysanthemum! #i definitely need to practice flowers more #but uwauuuuughkg this piece was so draining to work on. it gave me so much trouble and im still not completely sold on it #still hope it will resonate with people and that you can all enjoy it!!