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novaliae · 3 years

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hey mcytblr (and by mcytblr i mean my two followers who like mcyt), let’s talk about aphobia

recently aphobia has been rearing its ugly head on mcyttwt and elsewhere in the fandom. it started with this clip of phil responding to a dono about whether he’s okay with fans headcanoning c!phil and c!techno as a qpr (queerplatonic relationship). transcript of the clip:

dono: are you okay with people portraying you and techno’s characters as qprs? qprs are platonic life partners. it’s an argument in the fandom.

phil, over the last sentence of the dono: i don’t give a shit. i—i just don’t give a shit. it’s headcanons; it’s not real.

(it’s my first time doing transcripts of things so i hope i did it right)

unfortunately, this led to problematic shippers claiming their romantic headcanons or fancontent was actually a qpr. the most blatant include a tweet from a t*chza artist depicting phil and techno kissing with the caption “besties” and replies full of people mocking qprs (ie qrting the art and adding “i love queerplatonic relationships”). the implications, of course, are that people who hc c!phil and c!techno or any other duo in a qpr are just closet problematic shippers, and that qprs don’t exist by extension. and naturally, twitter being twitter, this has spiraled into a whole lot of “aphobia doesn’t exist” and “aces/aros aren’t oppressed” and a bunch of other all-around nastiness/anti-ace sentiment.

let’s unpack this.

first of all, what is aphobia, and what are qprs? if you haven’t heard of it before, aphobia is the discrimination against or invalidation of people on the aromantic or asexual spectrums. people on these spectrums do not experience romantic/physical attraction or may only do so only in certain circumstances. this means that aspec people often do not end up in a “traditional” romantic partnership, especially if they identify as aroace (both aromantic and asexual; aroaces experience little to no sexual and romantic attraction). aspec people will sometimes instead be in a queerplatonic relationship. a queerplatonic partner, or qpp, is most often described as a platonic soulmate/platonic life partner, and is someone with whom you form an intense emotional bond (something beyond traditional friendship) that is inherently nonsexual and nonromantic. the most common dsmp fandom interpretations of queerplatonic relationships are c!beeduo, who are platonically married in canon, and c!emeraldduo, who are the subject of the dono phil received.

ace and aro people are constantly invalidated and forced to justify their ace/aro-ness. we hear all the time that being aspec isn’t really a thing or that we’re confused and don’t know what we actually feel. by implicitly stating that qprs are not legitimate or that they’re romantic relationships in disguise, aphobes a) imply that ace or aro people with queerplatonic partners are actually in a romantic relationship but won’t label it like that because of stubbornness/stupidity/lack of understanding, and b) push the notion that deep and lasting connections cannot exist beyond romantic/sexual partnerships. which. is absolute bullshit and blatant aphobia.

cuddling, holding hands, and kissing on the cheek/forehead (behaviors often part of queerplatonic relationships) are not inherently sexual/romantic. let me say this again for the aphobes in the back. cuddling, holding hands, and kissing on the cheek/forehead are not inherently sexual/romantic behaviors. they are things that sexual/romantic couples may do, but they can also be integral parts of relationships that aren’t based around that sort of thing, like friends and families and yes, queerplatonic partnerships. when fans create art of qpps holding hands or fics where they cuddle and bump foreheads, they are not meant to be interpreted as shipping. i know i’ve said these words so much they’ve stop sounding like actual things, but implying otherwise is amatonormative and is aphobic.

by writing off all queerplatonic partnerships as shipping, or hell, even close platonic ones that aren’t explicitly labeled as queerplatonic, you are erasing a massive facet of the ace community while continuing to conform to an incredibly rigid and liner mindset about what attraction is/isn’t. nothing is more invalidating to an ace or aro person than claiming something they do is sexual/romantic when it clearly isn’t meant to be interpreted that way. we have made it clear that what we feel (or don’t feel), and you are blatantly ignoring that. you are repeating the same old tired stereotype that aspec people do not really exist and we’re only confused or too afraid to confront our “actual sexualities.” stop sexualizing queerplatonic relationships or turning them into something they’re not. qprs are not the next “just gals being pals,” they’re just aspec people trying to exist and sick of having to constantly justify their existence.

i could do a whole other post about exclusionist arguments i saw in some of the tweet’s replies like “aspec people aren’t really oppressed” and “aphobia doesn’t exist,” and maybe i will later on, but this is primarily about the general mockery made of qprs on twitter.

stop belittling ace people. stop mocking qprs. i am sick and tired of the aphobia/amatonormativity in this fandom. let’s be better than this.

please reblog and raise awareness!

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alisarb · 4 years

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the nature of frenchie and kimiko’s relationship

in every frenchie-kimiko video about their relationship there’s always someone commenting how much they ship it and there’s always someone else pointing out that their relationship in the comics is like father and daughter

so, being the obsessive shipper that I am and weirdly overthinking everything about a tv show because i can’t enjoy things like normal people, i decided to write this post to defend why I think their relationship in the show (and even a bit in the comics) is anything BUT paternal, and why their relationship in tv vs. comics is so different

(please bear in mind this is my opinion and in no way i wanna force ships onto anyone, you’re free to interpret stories and ship characters however you want!!)

Okay, the first thing we learn about frenchie in the show is that he is a man of many skills: in his own words, a gunrunner by trade, but with a very particular niche. we also learn he used to be a hitman, probably, and then he talks about his victims like scars he has to carry forever. he’s the first character apart from hughie that expresses some kind of remorse in the show about killing someone up until that point in the show (and i know it’s only the second episode, but by then we’d already seen quite enough violence)

he’s a layered character from the beginning, going from what looks like a man who likes his pills way too much and who seems dangerous to someone who actually has more to offer. still, he has other personality traits that differentiate him from the rest: frenchie describes himself as a womanizer in a conversation with m.m, who he mocks for being in a loving relationship with his wife. he “goes to sleep every night next to someone different.” we’ve met cherie by then but we can assume they are not really in a relationship by this statement, more like a casual lovers situation

and then, like a joke from fate, he meets kimiko. and from the very beginning they form a connection like no other. one can argue that their earlier interactions are kinda sweet and tender and not romantic at all, but from what i see, they share the kind of intimacy that most tv couples wish they could convey without even touching. their chemistry is undeniable

on top of that, as their relationship progresses, kimiko begins to return the affection. she goes from this killing machine that can’t stand to be touched to initiate contact with (and only) frenchie, because he’s her source of comfort and reassuring. at mesmer’s, kimiko looks at him because he’s the only person that she can trust and the first one to show her kindness in who knows how long

the rest of the group is understandably wary of kimiko, as she has proved to brutal and ruthless. frenchie is the only one who understands her, and that’s why he frees her that first time: to give her a choice

in exchange, when they are at mesmer’s,he asks her to show them what he sees, and she complies. because she doesn’t trust the rest yet, but she trusts frenchie. and even with that first vision he doesn’t doubt for a second that she can’t be just a terrorist. so kimiko shares with them and relives her trauma: the murder of her parents, being removed from her home and sent to a camp with her brother, being forced to become a soldier, being injected with compound v and becoming a supe with a talent for mass murder just to be locked in a cage like an animal...

the look they share after that revelation is anything but platonic and/or paternal:

LOOK AT MM AND BUTCHER. BUTCHER IS LIKE WTF AND M.M SHRUGGED LIKE “NOTHING TO BE DONE HE’S IN LOVE YOUR HONOR”

sorry about the excitement this scene makes me wanna squeal with delight

shortly after, kimiko is watching shark week again and frenchie comes up to her to talk about vought and how they’re hurting people like they hurt her, how she could help them stop it. at first kimiko keeps staring at the TV and looks defensive, but the moment he says: “it’s your choice, if you wanna go back and look for your brother i’ll take you to the airport” she looks at him, surprised.

because he keeps giving her a choice, which is the core of their relatiionship

and, as another user pointed out in a post a while ago, if you watched the show with the captions on (as i did bc english is not my native language) as she holds his hand, you can hear and read that shark week talks about mating and how if a female shark returns the male’s feelings will make some sort of move. one could think that this was accidental but c’mon, this show doesn’t leave anything a coincidence

it’s clear from the beginning that frenchie is completely smitten with her. in fact, we see small glimpses of him literally OBSESSING over her from the beginning: he meets with cherie to get the gas to sedate kimiko and we learn he hasn’t been with her in a while. i’m sure he was plenty busy with the whole vought + kimiko situation, but at that point they were all living separately and they returned to their places even if it was less frequently than usual (and cherie seemed to spend a lot of time in his place, if not even living there)

he cooks for her when she’s chained and then later on he teaches her HOW TO BAKE my heart

I could keep listing every moment when Frenchie looks at Kimiko (because his eyes inevitably follow her at any scene) or how the rest of The Boys is so aware of what they are (”you’re dating a terrorist”/”your crazy ass girlfriend”), and (SPOILERS SEASON 2 STOP READING FOR A SECOND) in the s2 we see how Frenchie is dog tired, probably angry and frustrated, and his face automatically changes when Kimiko goes to show him the origami piece. He smiles sweetly because she makes him happy, and amidst all the chaos they are going through one of his main worries is still Kimiko and how to understand and communicate with her.

END OF SPOILRS SEASON 2

One of the last moments is in the finale, when Kimiko is finally pulling herself back together after years of abuse and mistreatment by brushing her hair, wearing pretty clothes or painting her nails. Simple acts that make her feel like she’s a person. When she comes out of the bathroom, he looks at her with pure AWE. He even says “look at you, mon coeur”, because it’s like she’s the prettiest thing he’s seen. When the gas comes into the room he pushes her into the bathroom first thing.

M.M’s face at the end when they’re surrounded and he sees Frenchie hitting his head against the wall because even though he’s been shot he only wants to go get Kimiko, I think it says everything. His face when he talks about Kimiko and how she made him a better person. The way he pulled the hair out of her face.

I really love how everything is coming together this new season, so now I’d like to address the main issue of this post: the nature of their relationship and how it’s nothing like the comics.

There’s a very basic reason to why I believe their relationship is romantic, and not only by the actors’ interactions in Instagram, or the way Amazon promotes their relationship, but because the comics are so different from the tv show.

Every character’s background story is changed, and so are their motivations, personalities and, as far as we’ve seen, their storylines. In the show they’ve made it pretty clear that Kimiko and Frenchie share a connection that resembles that of a soulmate.

And even in the comics, (spoiler) when they’re about to die, Frenchie turns around and tells her that he’s loved her since the beginning. I don’t think that’s very father-like.

In conclusion, it’s likely that they’ll make us wait for a long time before we get more romantic interaction (especially since Kimiko is growing as a character and that might mean she might need to grow on her own, which I think is great), but it’s been clear since the beginning that they are meant to be. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

#kimiko #frenchie x kimiko #frenchie #kimiko x frenchie #the boys #prime video #the boys prime video #they are so precious and i love them so much #they deserve everything #never thought i'd be so in deep with a straight couple again #but oh boy here we are

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bisluthq · 3 years

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It’s your kaylor historian here who still can’t remember my log in details to my KH account 🤦‍♀️ (so please make sure this anon just in case it isn’t... I fear them 👀)

Karlie’s tea post before masters heist:

Ok so I can’t remember who posted first and don’t feel like looking, but taylor posted a selfie and captioned it “Friday calmness” and we (kaylor fandom) had been speculating taylor was going to come out as bi on the last day of June / 🌈pride month🌈 since she’d been doing so much stuff that could be seen (and was) as queer coded. We celebrated the “Friday calmness” thinking it was like a ‘calm before the storm’ with the storm being her coming out.

I think Karlie posted after taylor, but am not 100% sure. Karlie posted a selfie with a cup with a caption like “what’s the tea” and the fandom, thinking they were still together, collectively lost our shit. It looked to us like Karlie was playing off Taylor’s post. (I’ll admit, I didn’t think kaylor were still together, but that weekend I was thinking ‘I can’t believe I doubted them!’ Lol)

*there were also rumours that the YNTCD video and single were delayed a couple of times and meant to be released sooner and serve as a soft coming out, but that taylor kept changing her mind about it and is also why she kept the tracklist length under wraps, because she wasn’t sure if she’d go through with it. She was way more vague than ever before. There were also rumours she had a rolling stone cover planned that she was going to come out in but it was scrapped —— I can’t even remember where these “she’s actually coming out” rumours originated anymore and I can’t remember if people had legit sources and gossip or if it was fan fiction planning, but it was mentioned outside the kaylordom too, so take that as you wish.

Then came the masters heist.

Now, to understand the thought process of Kaylors at the time, you have to remember that we thought Karlie & Taylor had a secret romance, Joe was a beard, Josh was a beard - but since he comes from a crime family who have done a lot of bad things (to put it lightly) and are stupidly rich, Josh had Karlie trapped in such a tight contract and has so much blackmail material that Karlie was forced to fake marry him against her will - remember, it was only meant to be a photo shoot for a Vogue wedding spread showing what wedding fashion was available, it wasn’t meant to be a wedding! But josh had his team leak the photos and instead of saying it was all for a photo shoot, Karlie had to say she was now married. <- that was the narrative and thought process within the fandom.

So the fandom thought 🛴 and Josh conspired to announce the purchase of big machine/ taylor’s masters which would derail her coming out plans. The fandom thought Karlie had no idea it was happening. Scooter and Josh were worried Taylor was going to come out, which would ultimately out Karlie since there were so many rumours about Kaylor already, and it would then out Josh and ruin Josh’s image, making it look obvious to everyone that Josh and Karlie were just beards, but kaylor was real. To avoid tarnishing Josh’s hetero card, scooter waited until the end of June to announce he bought taylor’s music for maximum impact.

(Never mind that someone spent $300M to keep a client in the closet) that was how we interpreted the situation (kept writing the fan fiction) and that it was a blow to taylor and a huge betrayal from scooter to Karlie because now they had extra leverage / ways to hurt Karlie.

So yeah. It was a very sad time. This also is why some kaylors think hoax lyrics point to their everlasting love “my best laid plans” = tay ready to come out end of June “your sleight of hand” = scooter tricking Karlie when he bought the masters and any information about taylor that Karlie mentioned innocently was used against them, “my barren land” = taken on a new meaning since Karlie announced her pregnancy, but initially it was seen as the land that was meant to be blooming with love was left barren and empty because of the masters incident delaying her coming out.

It sounds absolutely ludicrous, but the only way to understand how it was easy to rationalise is to understand how adamant the fandom was/ is that Josh and joe are just beards, Karlie is locked in a contract, and taylor is trying to free the both of them. If there were any truth to this at all, it is nothing short of ghastly situation for Karlie and paints taylor as a Nobel warrior trying to save her princess from the tower 🦸🏼‍♀️👸🏼 ....

Karlie had what I think was a scheduled post cause it was ad content , but otherwise was unusually silent on social media for a week + after the announcement. We thought they were grieving together.

——-

Now for Emily Poe. Ok so I really didn’t do my research - I thought Emily was only one or two years older than Taylor, so it never even occurred to me that the idea of that relationship would’ve been extremely predatory and badbadbadbad. I regret not doing my due dillihence when I was part of a fandom that consumed this theory. So Emily theories have been around since Taylor first had gay speculation. Part of this was because of some funny photos like that one where taylor is standing next to a truck that says “...gay Texan” and emily and a guy in the band I can’t think of his name were pointing to taylor and smirking. It’s a funny photo. I can see my dumb teenage self making similar jokes long before I knew my sexuality because LOOOOL GAY was a thing back then. There’s the video taylor made for Emily where she held up the “we love you emily” sign and she went to everyone she toured with including brad paisley to hold up the sign and make heart hands and just be extremely cute - platonic or romantic - both seem plausible - and cute as hell! The video was set to the dashboard confessional song ‘stolen’ which is basically just the lyric “you have stolen my heart” over and over again. This video got renewed interest when people went back and looked back at the you belong with me video. The idea of taylor and her make love interest holding these a4 sheets of paper with “I love you” written on them seemed familiar. The story of how YBWM came about was that Taylor heard her guitarist on the phone with his girlfriend and his gf was yelling at him for something seemingly insignificant/ the gf was painted out as high drama and her guitarist seemed miserable every time he spoke to her for a while. So Taylor had the idea of a song about a girl thinking her friends girlfriend is horrible, but turn it into a love story where the two friends get together - classic romantic comedy trope - she took the idea to Liz Rose and it was one of the last songs written for Fearless and specifically made to be upbeat and preppy because taylor thought the album was lacking that vibe. If you take the story Taylor said inspired the song and swap it from her male guitarist (who she also said she had no feelings for), and change it to her female fiddle player, the story behind the song can be the same, just tweaked to be hetwashed. Emily was a cheerleader and had a boyfriend when she toured with taylor, so it’s easy enough to take those things at surface value and think there was some truth to Emily. Also the two biggest gaylor rumours pre swiftgron came from comments on a gossip site/ forum. One was that ‘Emily was fired after she was caught relieving taylor of stress’ and how ‘emily was interested in law, but this incident cemented she had to leave the band but the swift team gave her money so emily wouldn’t sue for being fired on a sexual harassment issue’ (of course, knowing the age difference, we know this would NOT be the case at all) and it is speculated it inspired taylor to write breathe because she was so sorry for how things ended. They were inseparable and then after her birthday, never seen together or mentioned each other on MySpace again.

The other comment was that taylor ‘was a pillow princess in high school’ and that she was happy to receive but not give because she wanted to maintain her virgin status and thought if she reciprocated it would make her gay — the comment was something like that.

Of course it would’ve been incredibly easy for idk, some random on the internet who has never even met taylor to say those things.... but it was taken as gospel by the gaylor truthers.

People who looked further found a girl they believed was Taylor’s high school gf, her name started with L... but I never really believed it so I don’t have the greatest knowledge of that one. It seemed ridiculous to me she had a 3 year gf as a teenager and not a single person from her high school - or anyone who knew her alleged gf - ever spoke about it publicly??? That would be a lot of NDAs and payouts to keep silent, but a lot of other people believed NDAs and hush money was spent, so yeah... 🤷‍♀️

She also had some fruity MySpace posts which seemed to help the case for gaylor, but imo, it also falls under the ‘teenagers on the internet are dumb especially when social media was brand new and thank god myspace doesn’t exist cause I don’t want to see my old one ever again’ category.

Sorry for the essay, I felt I had been summoned and wanted to give background on the fandom. When I log back in I think I need to change my bio, I’m not really here to talk kaylor , but the fandom. Cause it’s really sad what that narrative within the fandom has become and heartbreaking what that narrative has done to fans, especially queer kids trying to figure themselves out. I couldn’t see how toxic it was for a long time, I’m happy I’m out of there now. but I think it helps to understand how the fandom thought and saw things as to how easy it was for things to spiral to the state it’s in now.

As old T used to sign off, - lovelovelove 💜

Brilliant post thanks KH!

#nat talks the konspiracy

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theotherace · 3 years

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I think you should put your sokka&aang art in the sokkaang tag- even if its just platonic, I think the ppl who follow the tag and love their dynamic will appreciate it 🥺🥺

I see where you’re coming from, anon, and I appreciate this message. And I contemplated doing that, actually, but then I made the caption “big bro and lil bro”, and it felt kinda weird to tag the ship. Like, obviously Sokkaang isn’t incest at all, it’s just a cute rare pair, so this is probably just me being an idiot, but ... yeah. I don’t usually like tagging a ship when I meant the drawing to be read platonically so explicitly. I don’t really have a problem with other people interpreting it that way, but I also don’t necessarily wanna encourage it. Maybe I’ll add the tag later, we’ll see. Gonna think about it a little more.

#atla #sokka #aang #my asks #i think the only couple this would bother me with is aang/katara because they're very much my notp #which is why i think i've never drawn the two together #which is a genuine shame because i appreciate their friendship very much #maybe there's other #this one's the first that comes to mid tho

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ssfoc · 5 years

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hey hi i think it'd be best to read Plato's symposium (and/or at least many of the interpretations others have on it) before believing and stating to others that the work's main point is that the most ideal form of love is bw an older man and an adolescent man. believing things like that (esp when in regards to a philosophical work bc lbr those things are way too complex to just boil them down to "this is what it's about" in just a few words, hell even in just a few paragraphs)&then lumping(1/?)

those interpretations with harry and those around him (or just applying them to societal relations in general) can be dangerous. you said yourself you didnt even know about the reference before reading sterre's post, so it's safe to assume that there's more for you and others to learn about and know. and i read the post too and i believe you took away something different than what they were focusing on, or what i assume their point was. i think it's just better to read more on it. it is rly(2/?)interesting. and i personally interpret Alessandro's take as the platonic love (which happens to be between two men, older and younger) in which both parties have something to offer the other, weather it be wisdom, youthfulness, outlook, etc etc. ((this was essentially word vomit so i apologize if it's a mess hahah)) (3/3)

•••••

True, the Symposium is a large philosophical work, the intended interpretation of which is still in debate. The caption is ambiguous, and I very much doubt that Michele meant anything but the exchange of wisdom from older to younger man as a form of love. But the love of young boys is also inherently a part of the text (as is the rejection of women as a legitimate object of the highest love— only of reproduction). All of these meanings are inherently available when a large philosophical work is cited in a general way.

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hookedleviathan · 7 years

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This is a story (rant) about a boy

CW / TW - mental health (anxiety, panic attacks, depression, BPD), hospitalization, hooking up, heartbreak

Alright.

So.

I vented to a co-worker for five minutes today and it wasn’t enough.

Let’s call him DEFCON - because that’s a name of a poem I wrote about him that leads up to nuclear destruction, which sounds about right.

I met DEFCON almost a year ago in July through a friend of a friend. We hooked up (by that I mean between making out and having sex because there’s no way my mental health will let me do a one night stand nope) and exchanged numbers and oh yeah I had a panic attack right in front of him like less than 24 hours after meeting him because boys give me anxiety attacks that last for a few days but normally the next morning, not the during. And while he didn’t know what to do or how to respond / help me, he was incredibly sweet.

Flash ahead to November. We’re on our 3rd round of hooking up -- he asks if I’m looking for a relationship. I say yes, because always. He explains that while he’s flattered, he plans to go away to school in Florida (which is very out of state and very gross) and doesn’t want to start a relationship with someone only to lead them on. Super commendable and sweet of him.

Flash ahead to February. Take that cutie petewtie up to my bedroom, have a lackluster hookup, then stay awake for four hours just talking with him. During this talk, I mention my own mental health & help him explore his own. He had the misconception that depression meant feeling a lot of sadness -- I clarified that it also means lack of motivation, sometimes lack of any feelings, low self-esteem... Put shortly, I helped him realize that he has depression.

I showed him a painting of a rabid, barking dog that I’d recently finished because that’s what I think of when I think of my depression: a dog that I didn’t ask to adopt, that I can’t send to a pound or vet to put down. It’s a beast that may bite me or others, and I am responsible for it, and I must train it, and I can train it. He was awestruck over this painting.

Flash ahead to March. My depression got to be the worst I’ve ever had. I decided to try medication. He and I texted back and forth about our doctor visits and we started on SSRIs on the same day. Like a macabre, dark humor romance story.

Flash ahead to the end of April. He asks if I have a Snapchat. Of course I do because I’m not a cavewoman. I add him. We share some mundane photos. Then, he sends me a photo of himself with the caption “I want to ask you out on a date” I am over the moon -- I’ve harbored so much love and pain with DEFCON, and I was thrilled by the prospect of a date after this handful of hookups.

---Let me also insert: I know that putting in time and energy and love into someone does not mean that they owe you romantic love. My intention was never to “be a good enough friend until we can date”. I have both platonic and romantic interest in this boy, and to have the prospect of growing our relationship in this direction was exciting to me. Because, like, I kinda feel like I could marry this guy. Maybe. But that’s dramatic and obsessive of me ---

Flash forward to the end of May: I’m graduating college, about to move out, about to move into a new place, about to start a new job... and DEFCON notifies me that he got a girlfriend. So I’m crushed.

But it can’t just end there.

The language he used in his text messages to me conveyed that “she’s okay with me still being friends with you”, as if his view of our relationship is conditional, as though suggesting that he’d stop communicating with me because he just got a girlfriend.

He also never once asked how I felt about this situation and never initiated a discussion of what this change in dynamic would mean for our relationship.

So I send him like 500 seconds worth of Snapchat videos of me ranting about how he has been treating me more like a therapist than a friend, that I deserve better, that he needs to show even a fraction of the investment in me that I show in him, that I should matter to him whether or not he has a girlfriend, and that I still care about him and want to work through these difficulties with him.

Flash forward to the start of June: DEFCON texts me to let me know that he is going to the ER for his mental health and will not be reachable for 3-5 days and that he loves me. This is the first time he says these words to me. I know to interpret them platonically -- though there is a part of me that side-eyes that word choice with how our relationship has been going.

Middle of June, around my birthday: he sends me a Snapchat of a pic of a tattoo that he’s designing, then of it a few days later on his arm. It’s a rabid dog. Now, I know that I might be projecting, so I don’t ask too much about it, but I side-eye again, thinking “Huh, well isn’t that familiar...?”

Start of July and yesterday: Radio silence from him, which is typical. If I don’t initiate conversation, I won’t hear from him. Even when I initiate, responses take days. But that’s how it’s always been, and I have other friends with mental health difficulties, so even though I have my own difficulties with self worth and validation, I initiate conversations and interactions with most of my friends.

I reach out and ask how he’s doing. He tells me that he’s been scared to talk to me. When I ask why, he explains that he was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and he’s been in and out of the hospital for the past month for his mental health. We text back and forth about his changing condition, and I send him a super long text message validating him and saying how proud I am for addressing his mental health, wishing him well, etc etc.

He decides to call me. We talk like it hasn’t been, what? 4 months since I’ve heard his voice? We click right off the bat, and he tells me that I inspire him. He explains that the new tattoo of a rabid dog was inspired by my painting.

So I’m over the moon again. I’m excited to see him again at the end of July.

He sends me his Instagram info saying “it’s important”, so I add him even though now I’ve got like 3 people I’m following because I just made the damn thing a month ago. So I’m scrolling through the feed, and guess what pops up? A Tinder screenshot of girls he’s been chatting with.

So I’m crying.

And since this social media platform has just become my paddle in Shit Creek, I start rowing. Another Instagram screenshot of a girl asking why he’s on Instagram if he’s been told & understands that it’s no good for his mental health (since people with BPD especially struggle with forming and maintaining constant relationships & self esteem & self image) and he tells her off and writes in the caption that he feels proud for doing so and knows it was best despite her being “an obsession to get over”

So I’m crying again, because I agree with the girl, and also oh yeah been crushing on this boy for a year and also being a good friend to him and oh yeah we’ve still not talked about that April date?

Another Instagram screenshot: a girl opening a convo with “Remember that time I blew you in my basement?” to which he responds “Good times”

So I’m crying harder because I did not want to know that and what? Why did he so badly want me to add him on Instagram? So he could tell me without telling me that it looks like he’s broken up with his girlfriend and he’s looking for some kind of a relationship with some girl?

But I don’t feel broken by it.

It’s probably the SSRIs talking, but yesterday, even when my emotions were rising up, my logic stayed in control. I didn’t feel totally lost and shattered by this. I felt wounded, but still standing. Out of the ashes I rise with my red hair and eat men like air and all that.

And I’m still so willing to forgive him.

And I’m not even upset with him, but I’m upset with myself for letting him have this power over me. I’m upset that I relax all these regulations of friendship for him but wouldn’t dare stay friends with anyone else who would pull this shit. I’m upset with how my own emotional abuse wasn’t enough of a red flag, but finally, seeing how he decides to utilize an application that encourages forming ephemeral relationships despite it damaging his mental health and harming others around him. He is teaching his dog to chew and belch out disposable woman, and I am not okay with that.

I’m not looking forward to seeing him at the end of July at this festival where I’ll be performing poetry, but I know it will happen, and now, I hope to every deity that he’ll be there when I read my poem DEFCON. I hope that I’ll be able to have a long talk with him. I hope that I’ll be able to stand up for myself.

Because for the past year, I’ve continued our relationship the way I want to: with intimacy, support, love, kindness, and asserting frequent contact. But soon, I might have to act the way I need to: by letting him go.

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daily-robbie-kay · 7 years

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Okay soo, i was wondering if you could go to Kerry's instagram and look at the video of the crunchy chocolate bar and read the caption and tell me your response... i wont tell you whats on there so as not to "spoil" it bc i wanna hear your unfiltered, genuine, first reaction to it.. lets just say itll crush the argument that her and robbie are "just platonic friends"..

I’ve already seen it actually :) And…I have no idea what it means. I’m probably having a blonde moment but I’m so confused LMAO. Okay imma google what burlesque is and-

OOOOKAY HOLD UP. Is she implying what I think she’s implying? Imma reply to your other asks and ignore this omg I feel sick to the stomach.

Maybe the reason robbies so inactive is bc he feels shitty bc all of his roles arent being released (cold moon, no postage nessecary) if it was me id feel rly insecure about it,so maybe hes embarrassed to go on social media bc its a reminder to him that he’s becoming less popular and he doesnt want to face that reality (obviosly ghosting doesnt help his popularity but if hes feeling down he might avoid the activities he used to love) (this isnt at all excusing his behaviour, its just a thought)

If that’s the case, he has to get it through his thick skull that we love him no matter the project. Even if it’s small, we love him. Even if it’s bad (cough Heroes Reborn), we love him. If that’s what he’s feeling, he shouldn’t be pushing us away because that literally makes it worse. I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.

I just realized the caption on the crunchy bar vid might be referring to her “undressing” the chocolate bar..? I mean, its a long shot, and i wouldnt say that about my friends in that context (friends w benefits INCLUDED) but idk, might be just me.

I’M SO CONFUSED ABOUT IT?? I legit haven’t thought about it in ages because like I said above, I had no idea what it meant and just shrugged it off. “props & costumes by @robbiekay71″ IDEK HOW TO INTERPRET THAT. Heck, I’m so lost.

#asks

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