#the water looks terrible and the perspective is very wrong but i like this and i'm tired

[boueibu-and-budgies]

Sparkling prince leaving the floors sparkling as well

#yumoto hakone #binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu love! #boueibu #my art #the water looks terrible and the perspective is very wrong but i like this and i'm tired #been wanting to finish this sweet baby for so long #no energy left to make good looking soap #gonna post this on pixiv too #so weird seeing it finished now... yumoto took me weeks but i did the background in four hours...

[gnashingwailing]

@fireflywritesgt LOVINGLY WRITING MY UNHINGED CH23 THOUGHTS AND THEN BURYING THEM UNDER A READMORE. I felt such overwhelming hype when I saw we got 2 chapters in 1 day I truly was ready to throw my phone out the fucking window. TOO MUCH JOY FOR ONE LITTLE GNASH... I hadn't even finished processing ch21......

first off pov Joe when he goes to Calloway's to pick up his cute new tailored fit in 3 days

soooo right from the jump. hey.

"“…’cause he’s way better off than I am, it’ll make it harder for me to leave him or something. That he’s luring me in. I mean—” Joe laughed nervously as he steeled himself in preparation for how the captain would react to his next statement “—if it were a giant treating me the way he treats me, everyone would call me a pet.”

“Well of course they would, Joe. That’s because giants are evil.” The captain said matter-of-factly.

He may as well have poked Joe squarely in the eye. Nonetheless, the bartender continued."

hey. UM. Joe you beautiful idiot who canonically has bad luck and, presumably from reading this very chapter, a terrible poker face. Maybe you should have said. Any Other Thing? GODDD in my heart he's definitely sooo overconfident and drunk like wow I am so smooth :) nobody suspects a thing :) while Calloway is having a conversation with him like uh... just saying, but you know, none of us could stop you from. for example. idk. becoming a giant's pet. we wouldn't like that but it's just a random thing that came to mind just now, unrelated to the really tall really wealthy really powerful guy who is afraid of taking advantage of you by luring you in and giving you things like a giant would and maybe isn't treating you like a person. And you're afraid you shouldn't want it. Like BRO IT IS SO OVER FOR YOU even without Harry literally calling Joe's name 3+ times in the dead silence 😭😭😭😭 And presumably Harry having been waiting around there for a while to see Joe! Loitering in a way we know tinies are on guard about since they all noticed that snatcher back in Ch13!

They're idiots ur honor, so true, but it's all worth it to see Joe get rescued and swoon like a damsel ... I definitely wonder if Calloway observed any of that, and what he might think about it if so. >:) May or may not have been daydreaming and writing bits about how horrifying it would be to give your surrogate kid all this well-meaning advice, see him nearly slip to his death, and while you're hurrying down to try and help him, watching him call out to a walking nightmare for help and then get whisked away by it

I have a pet theory that everything we've seen from Calloway so far has been pretty heavily colored by it being from Joe's perspective when he's having a bad day, and maybe he will be more understanding than we think? Objectively, I didn't think he was being very rude or anything back in Ch 13, when he was speculating on Joe's love life. It rankled Joe, which is understandable, but he 1) he's happy that Joe looks good, 2) he doesn't let Gutters or O'Grady rag on Joe too hard and 3) he just generally seems like an interested father figure would about his kid's love life:

"“Oh, lay off him, Tim. It’s a good borrowing year!” Captain Calloway cut in. “We all have ‘em, we all enjoy ‘em, we all cry ourselves to sleep when they’re over.”

Relief washed over Joe like the warm water in Harry’s sink.

“Though I gotta say…” The captain gave a wry smile as he continued. “…it could just as easily be someone else’s good borrowing year if ya’ catch my drift. Could be he’s got a little sweetheart looking after him. A brick of pure chocolate? That’s practically a dowry."”

Although I may be wrong here, since Ch 21's incident at Tiny Town with the Italian mob that saved him gives us the insight that "[for] the first time in Joe’s entire existence at that, Joe understood what it was like to have a real father." So maybe Calloway is not that nurturing to Joe and not much of a caring dad -- as @remordsposthume's tags so wisely point out:

WTF WAS HE DOING LETTING HIM LEAVE THE BAR LMAO. Calloway's Den of Drunkards confirmed for an "everybody drive home drunk. it's not my problem" bar??? Everyone is processing TAoLaW thru their own cultural lens and. in that spirit. lmfao. I must say. Calloway reminds me of the libertarian redneck dads I've known who just let their kids do whatever. If he was a giant I think he'd let his kids ride ATVs thru the woods drunk. Most probably he would also be ridin around drunk with them. "If you die it's your own damn fault" being his motto is too on the nose LOL. Huge farm dad "I LOVE MY SONS. ONLY HALF OF THEM WILL SURVIVE TO ADULTHOOD BUT I DO LOVE THEM" energy. To Me.

(Btw Harry & Joe processing their parental issues together WHEN <3)

BUT ANYWAY YEAH EVEN IF CALLOWAY WAS THE MOST UNOBSERVANT GUY IN THE WORLD RE: THAT SUSPICIOUS CONVERSATION? YOU WERE LITERALLY BOTH SCREAMING EACH OTHERS' NAMES LIKE LOVESICK ROMANCE PROTAGONISTS RIGHT UNDER THE DREDGE THAT'S STILL PROBABLY GOT AT LEAST SOME NIGHT MARKET CUSTOMERS? HELLO?? @94444 we are on the same wavelength rn

AND MORE ABOUT CALLOWAY... I am very heartened by how you mentioned once, Warren, that you planned to give each character real depth and treat them with sincerity. I feel very interested about when that time will be for Calloway! We know that he takes in kids (or at least O'Grady and Joe scratch that. tag lore be upon me) and teaches them how to sell trinkets. We know that he hates giants. We know he's been horribly injured in a way that led to him losing a hand, an eye, and possibly teeth. Knowing what we do about the risks of being a borrower, and how casually cruel giants are to them, it's not unlikely those last 2 things are related. I'M TAKING YOUR TAGS AND RUNNING AWAY WITH THEM LIKE A DOG W SOMETHING IN ITS MOUTH.

So Calloway knew them for several years as vulnerable kids... then lost them for a year or so... then got them back after they escaped the watchmaker's? I will be interested to see if that trauma means he's more protective of them, or uh, still more drunk libertarian dad about them. Lmao. He seemed like he cared about Joe getting into Tiny Town way back in Ch3 tho at least! (as an aside... interested in who Gutters is, too. He SEEMS to be older than Joe/Tim, but he could also still be a Calloway Kid himself... he seems to defer to Calloway... and/or he could just be some guy embittered about giant/tiny relations. which. fair, brother.)

If the broader Tiny Town culture (such as it is... would word get around about this incident with Joe and Harry, or does news just not travel that well amongst lots of secluded borrower communities? much to consider. it makes sense in a dark way why you would physically mark somebody who's transgressed against society's cardinal rule, in a culture where you cannot generally spread information effectively) would reject Joe for his proclivities... will Calloway, too? Or is it Joe's anxiety making him think that? I'm afraid we already know how Tim would feel. Other than him, Calloway is the person who Joe seems most connected to in miniature society... Although Harry's worry about Joe not spending enough time around his fellow miniatures in Ch22 is at least partially motivated by his own guilt-trip, I think he has a bit of a point! I hope Joe doesn't lose touch with everyone -- or if he does, I hope there will be new friends out there for him, too, who are more understanding.

(LORRAINE WHEN)

Now Calloway aside, OBVIOUSLY THE ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER HAD ME HOOTIN AND HOLLERIN.

“Joe… can we go back to the big, sexy giant part for a second?” <- LIT'RALLY me rereading this chapter 800 times

A snapping turtle is a fantastic little horror for poor Joe to face, woof. Those fuckers are scary enough when ur height is measured in feet. The quick way they snap is no joke. Just want to 👏👏👏👏 about how good this passage is: The turtle’s maw emerged from the waters of the lake like the gaping mouth of some ancient monster that fed on the souls of sailors. The grimy lakewater rushed over its beady little eyes as its beak, sharp as a dagger, flew towards Joe faster than a gunshot. YEAH.

It just!! makes my little heart sooooo happy to see that Joe does have someone who will unconditionally look out for him...!!! Harry has his issues, and they're still learning how to open up about themselves, but he consistently shows up!! :') the thought of him waiting for his man all night ... hoping the dredge would be the place Joe meant ... and then acting sooo fast when he saw a tiny guy fall off of it... what a faithful hound of a [future] boyfriend. Calloway is so right. Joe deserves somebody to look after him. And Joe has done the (forgive me for the loaded meme) girl math on this. One big man is the best possible outcome for him. ONLY THE BIGGEST MAN WILL DO to keep him off of his bullshit as much as possible 👍👍

And OF COURSE god their conversation is just so so so fucking funny. "Thank you" "fuck no I'm not" -> "FUCK YOU" is INCREDIBLE i CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT lmaooooo and Harry still being so gentle about receiving this insult and trying to parse what Joe means ... he does listen to Joe, they're definitely not back to square one as drunk!Joe feared, his own issues are just getting in the way! (And Joe's are getting in the way of him seeing thru Harry's facade into what the real issue is! We love to see it!)

"“I meant that. You don’t get to call me handsome until you start listening to me.” He slurred. “You gotta—you gotta want it.”

Joe crossed his arms and scowled up at the beautiful man and his beautiful face as Harry tried to parse what Joe was saying.

“Want it…?” Harry echoed.

“Yeah. You gotta want to be my friend. And screw what anyone else thinks!”"

And did anyone else cackle at how Joe telephone-gamed Calloway's advice to still be in plausible-deniability-land. "You gotta want to be my friend" ok. not what he fuckin said. run that back real quick -> "Not if you’re being open about what you want and everything. That’s how love works, Joe. You gotta want it."

I just adored the moments of insight between them, too. "... Joe knew his real answer was yes – he was just too afraid to say it overtly. He argued and fought and begrudgingly accepted it instead. / What was that saying to Harry?" vs. Ch22 Harry's revelation: "How much of his relationship with Joe was genuine, he wondered, and how much of it was Joe going along with Harry’s suggestions in the name of diplomacy?"

Joe IS acting like somebody who's being coerced! Harry IS being a trustworthy guy by noticing it and checking in once their relationship is definitely turning intimate! It's so fascinating to think in hindsight that every time Joe turned red and embarrassed, Harry was having a thought at the back of his mind like "he doesn't want this. I'm scaring him. He doesn't want me, and he doesn't even know the real me yet. And worse, he can't tell me, because he's afraid of what I might do to him." But he can't SAY all that because it would hurt too much if he said it and Joe confirmed he was actually correct, so Ch22 comes out as a trainwreck where he's accidentally insulting Joe's ability to survive without him. (Side note I KNEW Harry wasn't REALLY considering Joe his landlord. Sad!!! That fucked up scrawny starving guy has squatter's rights and he was doing pretty good all things considered maybe !!!)

The respective issues ~Society~ has given both of them just make it impossible to talk about the root of their problems without baring your guts in a really terrifying way. OOF.

HOWEVER this chapter confirming that homophobia isn't such a problem in tiny society is going to make this eventual conversation betwen them real interesting... Harry like "You don't understand Joe :( there's something really wrong with me... ... I like ... men..." and Joe being like "omg :) :) :) :) :) wait what's wrong with you tho" and then Joe "No you don't understand Harry :( I know this is sick but... I like.. giants... I'm sure you could never see someone smaller than you as anything other than a pet ..." and Harry just ":) :) :) :) oh what no :) Georgie was shorter than me" I hope they can have a good, baffled laugh at how long they could've been snuggling guilt-free. At the end of the angst. <3

#taolaw

[thevalleyisjolly]

I think regardless of whether Norman Takamori was a “real” PC or just a set up for Skip to take over, his actual story asks some interesting questions of “Do bad guys deserve to have bad things happen to them” and “Can someone be both perpetrator and victim?”  Because yeah, we all know Norman sucks.  He’s actively complicit in covering up war crimes, he’s a cruel boss to his employees, and he never really shows remorse for his actions.  Does any of that mean that he deserved to be framed and scapegoated by the Brigade for an entirely separate crime?  Does any of that mean that he deserved to have his bodily autonomy violated again and again?

Norman’s story, unpleasant as the character himself is, presents a lot of difficult questions about the meaning of justice and punishment.  Are the two the same thing?  Narratively, it is so very satisfying to see terrible characters get their comeuppance.  Is it comeuppance?  Are the things which happen to Norman punishment for the bad things he did?  If someone “gets away” with one bad thing and later suffers consequences for another bad thing, does the second incident serve as punishment or justice or divine retribution for the first? 

There’s also the element of narrative - fiction is not morality, and in our own enjoyment of the story, we want to see bad people receive the punishment or consequences that we feel they deserve.  That’s not a bad thing, that’s just the basic nature of most stories!  Good deeds render desired outcomes, bad deeds render satisfying consequences, people gets their just deserts.  At the same time, fiction is also a way for us to understand our own perspectives and thinking a little better.  There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m happy that the fictional war criminal lived a miserable life,” but there is a further opportunity to think, “What is justice to me?  What is the meaning of crime and punishment?  How do I understand the issue of deserts (what people deserve, not the arid water-less biome)?  What values and beliefs are important to me when defining these answers?”

I don’t think the actual answers to whether or not Norman the fictional character deserved all the bad things that happened to him are all that important, nor do people’s personal answers serve as an indicator of moral superiority because this is again a fictional character in a fictional story.  Rather, I’m far more interested in what Norman’s narrative asks us to think about.  What is justice?  What is punishment?  What is consequence?  Are those things one and the same, and if they’re different, how so?  What do people who do bad things deserve, and why do we think that?  How do we understand victimhood?  Again, the answers to any of these are personal and neither an indicator of moral superiority nor degeneracy - what’s valuable is the process of thinking through them.

TL;DR The story of Norman Takamori presents an opportunity to reflect on the way we each think about justice and punishment and crime.  The specific fictional circumstances of the narrative are not meant to be a one-on-one equivalent for our real-life experiences and morality.  They simply provide a starting off point to think about broader concepts of judgment and consequence by presenting them in an extreme, even ridiculous, setting, so that we start to wonder “If this is how something looks in the most outrageous scenario, I wonder what it might look like closer to home.”

#dimension 20 #a starstruck odyssey #norman takamori #me writing starstruck meta like a year after the campaign aired

[sprout-fics]

"He hurt you, didn't he?"

What a loaded fucking question.

There’s so much I wanna dissect with this line.

I read this, and in my mind Gaz is asking her if König SA’d her. Which, may have been your intention, it may not have been. But either way— that’s what I interpret when I read that.

She’s on a team of only men. Already there’s an interesting power dynamic that comes with that; a really sacred trust that has to be built over time. None of these men would ever hurt her, but that’s something they probably have had to show in order for her to fully trust them. I’m not saying she can’t hold her own— but a woman in a room with a group of 4 giant men can feel like blood in shark-infested waters.

To then cut to a mission where she’s yanked away from the people that would both kill and die for her— kidnapped by a man that looks and acts like monster. She says she’s fine, that she wasn’t hurt, but looks haunted. A frightened shell of her former self.

All of them can see that’s she’s not okay— but how could any of them even try to approach that problem? If they’re all making the same assumption Gaz is, could any of them ever picture her feeling safe enough to tell them? Tell even one of them? They were powerless to help her then, and they’re even more powerless to help her now.

I can’t imagine the guilt Gaz feels. Or the guilt the others feel.

TW: Sexual Assault

You are absolutely correct in your interpretation. I left it purposefully vague because frankly I decided not to address such a possibility within the context of this fic, as I feel it detracts from the story I'm trying to convey. (I would like to reaffirm sexual assault is a topic that should not be taken lightly within storytelling, and deserves care and attention in writing)

However you are completely right. To Gaz, Maus/Rookie is different after the incident. Jumpy, nervous, distracted, closed off. I like to think all the boys are insightful to some degree, but with Gaz it's different. He's practically clairvoyant. To me Gaz has the most training and inherent talent for intelligence work, which means he is scary good at reading people. So when Rookie starts acting the way she has been, he starts connecting the dots.

She was left alone in a room for hours with an enemy combatant, who interrogated her, reportedly touched her. Yet Rookie refuses to talk about it. This is naturally very suspicious, especially whenever someone inquires about what happened. Gaz can see Rookie is scared, frightened after what happened to her even as she tries to hide it.

In Gaz's perspective he's already come up with a narrative. Rookie is hiding the fact that she was assaulted. He understands why she does. There's stereotypes about women being victims of assault, and they take on a new type of sinister context within the military, and specifically within hostage situations. It makes sense why she wouldn't talk about it.

It doesn't negate the fact, however, that if that's what happened that Gaz failed her. This is never discussed in depth, but Gaz was awake when Rookie was taken. To him the fact that he was awake and yet couldn't help her before something terrible happened to her is something he'll never forgive himself for. In this scene when he asks if it's true, if Konig hurt her, and when Rookie flinches away from him, Gaz can't help but think that as much as he blames himself, so does she.

Also, the others feel the same. Gaz is special because he was there. The others though, they read the report. Ghost and Soap coordinated the rescue. Price saw her reaction the first time she saw Konig again in 'The First Time'. They all saw Rookie afterwards. They know something happened to her that she won't admit to. But they can't come out and say it, force her to admit it to them because it's wrong.

The team cares for Rookie deeply, but with this they are powerless, because Rookie won't let them see, won't tell them what happened. The only thing they can do for her is stand beside her, shield her, protect her when she's too lost to do it herself. They can only continue on and offer her a sense of normalcy so she can find herself again.

This concept is touched on more in the coming chapters. Price in particular gets a moment where we see the true depths of his rage at this whole situation, at the idea that the team failed their newest, youngest member.

#I have many many thoughts on this #assault tw #tw sa mention #fic: little mouse #kyle gaz garrick

[dbphantom]

Oh no, that was terrible

Marinette why are you lying to Adrien about his shitty dad other than to benefit from his grief at losing another parent (and why is nobody questioning his mom being alive now? Was the universe rewritten to fix the peacock miraculous and that's it, so Adrien's mom was alive the whole time, but somehow nothing actually changed with Gabriel, msaning he would've gone down this path no matter what actually happened to his wife? Meaning he really is just a shit person?) YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS BEING FOUNDED ON LIES, MARINETTE! Let Adrien know what really happened!!!!

And why was Adrien written out of HIS family's entire arc finale??? And Kagami??? (I still don't even fully understand why her and Felix were introduced from a writing perspective in the first place other than to make things even more convoluted... I liked Felix's character don't get me wrong, but Kagami was always done really dirty, especially now). Marinette is taking away Adrien's agency by lying to his face about what his father was really like, and we are supposed to be cool with that?

And why didn't we get an identity reveal with Adrien and his dad???? The whole arc was building up to this point of conflict and then they just ignore it! Adrien could've been partially responsible for his father's death with the cataclysm and they just IGNORE IT!!!!!! His worst nightmare is hurting the people he loves AND THEY JUST IGNORE THAT HE DID THAT EXACT THING AND HIS DAD DECIDED TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF BECAUSE OF IT. Is that why they think Marinette lying to Adrien about all the suffering caused by father is worth it??? Because it's not!

Also why didn't the universe rewriting for the wish actually change anything?? I thought that was a huge thing they established before now- that making a wish rewrites the universe and destroys the current one. But nothing actually changed beyond the peacock not being broken!!! As far as we're shown the fight with Monarch still happened, which means Marinette DOES remember everything! So what the hell?? Why isn't she saying anything?! Why did she let Gabriel get away with causing all that suffering and letting him be remembered as a hero? WTF?! DEATH SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED REDEMPTION, THIS IS EXACTLY WHY!!

And if the universe DID rewrite, then this is not OUR Marinette or Adrien, because they have grown up with very different lives (no dead mom, for one) and the previous two were ERASED. Except Monarch was still a thing, and Lyla found the butterfly miraculous at the house, which means the fight DID happen, and if Gabriel 'sacrificed himself' during the fight then the same fight happened. Marinette even mentions looking for the butterfly in the water, so she clearly DOES remember the fight.

Or are we supposed to believe Adrien's mom was Monarch now or something and Gabriel really did sacrifice himself in this rewritten universe, and that's why Marinette isn't saying anything about how Gabriel was actually a bad guy? Then why tf is Emilie just chilling by the pool in the final scene?! Or is the Monarch in this new universe a total stranger now???

Why do I have to come up with these convoluted scenarios to explain why Marinette is going along with this random, bullshit redemption arc for no good reason??? Is she just supposed to be content that at the very end he decides to kill himself instead of Natalie, and everyone, including Natalie and Emilie, is just fine lying to Adrien about what his father was actually like???? Or did she try to tell him and physically couldn't because of the rewrite/the wish??? Is that why it wasn't actually spoken, so the writers can just "oh, it's the wish's fault" themselves out of every issue in the next 10 seasons?

But no instead of clarifying anything we just get 1000 scenes of side characters no one actually gave a shit about, all fighting the same copy-pasted enemy 30 times because we want our Avengers Endgame moment without having to work for it.

AND NO IDENTITY REVEAL FOR THE LOVE SQUARE! I'M ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT THAT ONE! MONARCH IS GONE!!! THIS WAS THE TIME!!!!!!

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE PAST 5 SEASONS IF EVERYONE'S JUST HAPPY LIKE THIS????????? PLEASE TELL ME SEASON 6 IS GOING TO BE THEM SHATTERING THIS 'PERFECT HAPPY ENDING' FACADE AND NOT JUST THROWING LYLA INTO THE SAME FUCKING POSITION AS MONARCH SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE THE STATUS QUO EVER!

Also lmao they really shipped Chloe off and then Never Mentioned Her Again. That'd be hilarious if it wasn't so depressing.

Well... At least the animation was good. And the ladybug chat noir fusion looked cool as hell (besides the goofy eyes). And Gabriel was rocking those earrings. He should've worn earrings more. We were both like 'damn, he actually makes those look good'. It was such an upgrade from his silly little bald cap. I would've accepted Gabriel redemption if he wore earrings more often <- joke

Update: I'm seeing posts that the woman by the pool might not even be Emilie, but in fact her sister. That... Might be even worse. So Gabriel used his wish not to fix the peacock miraculous in the past, but instead just return Natalie to health. Shit that might be EVEN WORSE than just killing himself to bring Adrien's mom back by retroactively fixing the miraculous that killed her and almost killed Natalie. Dude just caused all that suffering for NOTHING and left Adrien an orphan. Wowza.

#Cruddy rambles #miraculous ladybug #I'm sitting here with my bestie and we waited 8 years for THIS??? NOT EVEN IDENTITY REVEAL??? #Miraculous ladybug season 5 #Miraculous ladybug season 5 spoilers #Spoilers

[prairiedeath]

Threads was brilliant, and fucking horrifying btw

This is going to be a spoiler review, so proceed with discretion

For those unaware, Threads was a BBC tv film from 1984 about cold war tensions rising to the level of nuclear war, from the perspective of british civilians. As far as I know, when it came out it wasn’t very popular, but with time critics now have nothing but praise for it. What’s so disturbing about it is how grounded it is in reality; it wasn’t just put together by a hollywood director looking to make money off of an apocalyptic action horror. It was made by people who know what they’re talking about, who fully intended to warn the world about the horrors that would come from nuclear war. There is no sensationalizing or romanticizing of war in the movie, there’s no heroic macho-male soldier protagonist or objectified love interest. There are subplots about the relationships and personal lives of the civilians, but they’re all rendered all but meaningless in the face of nuclear annihilation. It’s about as “unbiased” as it could have been considering where and when it was made. it’s just a deeply, unsettlingly realistic answer to the question, “what would nuclear war, the aftermath, and the events leading up to it look like from the prospective of everyday people?” The occasional words from a narrator and those eerie ass dead-silent text cards that pop up between scenes to let the audience know which event you’re at in the timeline make it feel more like a documentary than a horror film. There isn’t much of a soundtrack at all after a certain point. You’re left with mostly empty, windy ambience, occasionally interrupted by explosions, crying, screaming in pain or in anger and this deep, disturbing trilling sound, scenes of charred corpses, bloodied people who remain in shock, burning and ruined buildings, dead pets, people trying to pick up the pieces and find their loved ones. It’s gorier than I would ever expect from a TV movie of the time; and it’s realistic gore. There’s no way that whoever worked on the gore researched slasher films rather than actual explicit footage of war-zones, because that’s exactly what it looks like. It shows the ensuing chaos of public unrest in response to the inevitable government mishandling of the crisis, even the brutality that the remaining British authority would inflict on the angry, desperate surviving masses who demand food, water and medical care. It lists, and shows in scary detail at times, the epidemics that would result from the squalor of living conditions post-nuclear war: typhoid, cholera, dysentery. At times it flashes black and white, film photography-style images on the screen for a few seconds of the destruction and the bodies. It horrifically depicts the power grab and the executions that the british authority would carry out. It shows the mass animal death from nuclear radiation, the utter lack of safe food anywhere. It shows the horror of pregnancy and birth in a nuclear wasteland, and just how terrible the winters would be: mass hypothermia which leads to death, especially in children and the elderly. The ending is…. Devastating. The film really doesn’t get anything wrong in terms of the execution of it. I love the directing of it, how almost the entire way through it’s filmed as if it’s a documentary rather than a fiction film. While I ultimately think it’s good that it was on cable and thus more accessible to the public, It’s criminal to me that this was just a TV movie and that it wasn’t also in theaters. Going to have to jump on the bandwagon and give it 5/5 ⭐️

#threads #horror

[dumpster-lizard]

We need more shipping positivity out here so I'm gonna go off about all the Ghirahim ships I can think of and why they're rad. Now, if you purely like vanilla ships, you might not like these for the same reasons I do! I love toxic and/or angsty dynamics, and love the darker sides of all these ships so I'm going to focus a lot on those parts. I'll look at the vanilla perspective where I can too. If you like this and want me to try another Zelda Character (preferably a villain) shoot me an ask and I can do this for other characters!!

GhiraLink - The OG- I feel like most people who ship him with anyone shipped him with Link first. I certainly did. There's a ton you can do with them man. Link is tied to Zelda as Ghirahim is tied to his master and both are pawns in the greater scheme of things. You can do so many ways - personally I do prefer the darker route that plays into the creepy obsessive side of the character. The softer versions of the ship are nice too, though personally I like it better when you can see Ghiras development in these depictions. They can find solace in each other post game- and if you hc Demise was a bastard to Ghirahim this is also an opportunity for him to unlearn all the bad shit. Ghirahim becoming Link's new sword too? agh, Good Soup.

GhiraDemi: Master/Servant dynamic is ALWAYS a winner in my book. The adoration Ghirahim has for Demise is fantastic, and makes for a great dynamic whether it's returned or not. Again, I do like the darker route here, cause they are both mean bastards- I like the idea of Demise rubbing off on Ghirahim... but also think it would be rad if Ghirahim was deeply disturbed and violent BEFORE they met. Let them be terrible together, let them be CODEPENDANT! The angst potential for this ship is absolutely fantastic, and regardless of the level of toxicity you prefer - you KNOW he didn't handle it well when Demise was sealed, and he was left alone for centuries. I

DemiGhiraLink: Real ones know. Kudos to the folks who have made it their own and put different spins on it.

GhiraFi: I've drifted away from this ship, but it's still the parallels that get me. How they are functionally for the same purpose but so different? Have they always been like that? Which one changed? There are so many stories you could give them that could provide a variety of rich histories. I personally love the angst portion here. Love a good betrayal. Adore the scenarios people come up with where Ghirahim speaks to Fi during the events of the game, whenever she's separated from Link. And, of course, depending on whether you think she was changed, he could realize there's something wrong, this isn't the person he knew, and he would never get the closure of explaining himself. Or, if she remembers... Ghirahim being cold to her to avoid his feelings so he can do his job. Maybe a solemn understanding on Fi's side.

GhiraZant: Two super different guys dedicated to the same master. Both are massive creeps in their own right (see Zant's confrontation with Midna after the water temple), but have way different motives. Zant wanted to be a king. Ghirahim wanted to serve a king. I can see that being a good source of conflict. Perhaps they could find solace in each other if they ever understood they were being used.. or just magnify each other's obsession with their master. I suppose it depends on how much either of them remember. Does Zant remember the end of TP? Does Ghirahim remember the end of SkSw? The timeline of Hyrule Warriors is pretty unclear. Of course, there are AUs where Zant finds Ghirahim in TP...

GanGhira: Very similar to Ghirademi, but give Ghira some internal conflict about serving this mortal who's so different from his perfect master. Would he hold Ganondorf to higher standards? Would he just settle? Would he admire Ganondorf with the same fervor he did for Demise? Or, perhaps he sought Ganondorf out purposefully to continue his master's legacy. I have a lot of thoughts of a sword spirit mentoring a younger Ganondorf though sword fighting, dark magic, and seeding a deep hatred for the Goddesses. And it wouldn't be difficult, Hyrule really does create its own enemies.

GanGhiraZant: Combine the above two and add in Zant's dynamic with Ganondorf, and you've got some good soup babes GhiraVaati: I like Ghirahim, and I like Vaati (understatement of the century). And these two could NOT be more different. Vaati is essentially the hylian equivalent of a fae that decided he wanted to be a god and has a serious issue with authority. Meanwhile, Ghirahim is drawn to authority to the point he "waited his whole existence" for the chance to bring his master back. Now, perhaps Ghirahim would admire Vaati for this - ignoring his minish origins. But if we throw Ganondorf in the mix, I'm talking rivalry, I'm talking petty fights, hohoho it can get UGLY! Good opportunity for Enemies to rivals to friends to lovers here.

Getting into ships I'm not too knowledgeable on --

GhiraZel: Look. Heroine/Villain ships rock. Especially if you go with the HC Ghirahim betrayed Hylia and/or was her original sword. Perhaps he has some lingering regret about that. Perhaps he has mixed feelings about sacrifincing her- or perhaps he redirects his feelings into something more malicious. This isn't a ship I'm personally drawn to but there are quite a few possibilities and Godspeed to the folks that ship this, you rock.

GhiraVolga: Look a dragon getting possessive over what he deems a valuable treasure just gets to me ok. Two monsters, both keeping a barely restrained facade, but one that can turn into a fire-breathing monster at will? It's been a while since I indulged in this ship, but I know firsthand there ARE fics out there that explore this better than I can.

GhiraImpa: Could be an interesting history with these two. Considering, Ghirahim certainly have very intense feelings towards her in game. To the people who ship this rarepair I see you and I love you.

I know I definitely missed some, so feel free to send me any other rarepairs so I can send them some love too!

#I dont really think this needs tags #it'll probably show up in searches anyway #this is a nice challenge to do if youre interested #If yall remember the GhiraDemiLink au im talking about you deserve a veterans discount #its funny- i read ghiralink fics before but it was that AU that actually drew me to tumblr way back

[scouts-mockingbird]

Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome

I made a post earlier with some little jokes about the things I've noticed since adjusting my meds, a thing I am doing under the care of my provider, not just willy-nilly. Still, I was told that going off Escitalopram (Lexapro) would be very minor. I might experience some nausea or mood swings, but that would only last a couple days and afterwards I would be feeling fine, espcially because the other antidepressant I take will still be doing its job.

I don't think my doctor was lying, but by god was she WRONG. I'm writing this not as a warning, but just as an informative post about my personal experience with ADS, a thing that, again, I was not warned about at all. I only knew to look it up because I'm a mental health professional, but I had NO idea what the physical symptoms were.

"Don't go off your meds," they say, and they cite anxiety, mood swings, self injury or suicidal ideation. Since I wasn't worried about those (again, I'm still on another antidepressant, and my symptoms are managed with therapy and other stuff) I was told I'd be fine.

I have been dizzy every time I've moved, even just turning my head, for the last three days. I experience intense vertigo, so much so that I've had to stop going up or down stairs. My head feels like a salt shaker. There are tiny grains of sand in there, rattling around and making it hard to think (I don't know how else to describe this, but from what I've read, it's common with ADS). I haven't kept food down except water and tea for two days.

And there's the insomnia. It's brutal. I haven't slept more than two hours a night for four days straight. I haven't gone this hard since I was in college, and my body is not equipped to recover from this anymore. Add to that that I can't take time off of work right now? A disaster.

I'm not trying to frighten anyone away from making changes to their meds, I'm trying to expand out on WHY people are always saying "don't quit your meds". I like good strong reasoning when people are telling me not to do things, so here's a good reason. Your body might feel terrible.

(because this does not happen to everyone! I'm in the lower 25% of people who go off ordinary doses of lexapro in experiencing these symptoms to the degree that I am)

You want to know what else? We don't know how long this will be happening to me. It might be over in a few days. It might last three months. No one has done longitudinal studies on ADS (at least that I could find).

So yeah, research ADS, tell people it exists. Don't quit Lexapro without talking to your doctor and warning the people closest to you, just in case. And if you're going through this, or have gone through it, feel free to expand on your experience in my inbox or comments. I'd love other perspectives

#mental health #depression #medication #psychiatry

[bomberqueen17]

alive

i am alive, i promise, sorry it’s been all queue of late

i made 28 quarts of chicken stock today-- well, packaged it-- actually i made it too, we’d cut the chickens up yesterday and stuck the stock pot in the walk-in cooler overnight but today i put the water in and plonked it on the stove, an enormous stock pot, and simmered it all day while we cut up the rest of the chickens. (yesterday’s chickens we cut up were for sausage, today’s were for sale as parts.) tomorrow we’re ostensibly making the sausage, we’ll see how that goes.

since CSA is over, Farmsister was available to help us today-- but just like last time she helped us, mostly what we needed her to do was to take everything out of the upright freezer in the commercial kitchen and find other places for it to go, which was a heroic undertaking and took her like two hours. it was a lot. she had to restock the farm store just to make room. so it was good, things are beautifully restocked, everything is organized and beautiful, but like, good lord, at what cost.

anyway i just stuck 28 quarts of chicken stock in there so tomorrow we’re gonna have to ask her to do it again, but i believe in her.

i have done like. zero writing this week. lots of 10+ hour days of work, so. oh the insulation in my cabin has been great though. i know it’s november now so i should expect it to be chilly but it’s been like-- warmish during the days mostly, and then in the evening it’s fine and i have actually woken up too hot and sweating twice in the last few days because i was still wearing pajamas and dressing my bed like i expected it to be in the mid-40s in the room where i’m sleeping and... well it’s not.

there’s a mouse making so much fucking noise though, and i haven’t been sleeping well because the fucker like, pitter-patters around the room while i’m trying to sleep. he’s louder because he has to rustle in through the insulation. the roof edging isn’t on properly yet so i cant’ exclude him. so a side project is that i’ve had cayenne steeping in water most of the week, and today i set it up with coffee filters and rubber bands over the mouths of jars, and filtered it into a spray bottle, and i’ve just sprayed cayenne water all along the bottom of the insulation where he’s been coming in. (I know because i can hear him and also see him.) so we’ll see how much noise he makes tonight. i don’t know that cayenne will actually deter him.

anyway i’m gonna have my queue post this tomorrow morning so idk, i’ll hopefully know by then. but i’m so tired, using the queue gives me a minute to proofread and then if i wake up in the middle of the night like “i used that word wrong” i have time to look again when i wake up.

i have so many writing projects underway and no time to work on them. i spent a bunch of time today while i was packaging cold dead raw meat thinking about various projects. it was a nice escape.

here is a surprise snippet from a background bit i’m working on, going slightly back in time to before Ciri re-established the Upper Aedirn Free State, featuring a new OC i’m going to make room for-- a very elderly elf named Faerveren who has aged out of the concept of gender, to give us some unexpected backstory.

Faerveren leaned in the doorway, giving the dh’oine who had so rudely knocked a once-over. He was tall, handsome, self-assured, though he looked a little tired and travel-worn, and the haughty arrogance of his expression was covering a bit of uncertainty. 

“I’m looking for Caerulia Fitzhugh,” he said. 

“I bet you are,” Faerveren said. “Since she lives here.” Faerveren xerself hadn’t lived here terribly long. The Fitzhughs had kindly offered xer a place to stay after xe had come to them injured and ill after the battle for the city. Many elves had needed treatment, but only Faerveren had merited the permanent invitation. Perhaps because the Fitzhughs could appreciate xer age. It was restful, being among others with a similar perspective on the passage of time. 

Faerveren watched the dh’oine’s expression go through disbelief into indignance, and relented slightly. “Are you here on behalf of someone who is sick?”

“No,” he said, frowning, “I need her help.” His frown deepened. “I believe it is not a matter that your kind could understand, elder brother.” He used an Aen Seidhe term, showing that he wasn’t entirely ignorant. 

“Ah,” Faerveren said, “I’m no one’s brother. But I see, you are not the dh’oine you look.” Neither were the Fitzhughs. This was vampire business, then. Another of the reasons Faerveren had been invited to stay was likely the complete lack of reaction xe’d had to the revelation that both Fitzhughs were bruxae. But Faerveren’s people had lived in peace with higher vampires, never their prey and never their antagonists, so it hadn’t been alarming to figure it out. It wasn’t as though they were particularly secretive about it. They tended not to shift or fly where anyone could see them, but Caerulia had a habit of gliding around without touching the ground because of an old foot injury, and nobody seemed to notice. The dwarves of Vergen were singularly unconcerned about vampires as well. 

“No,” the man said. “Can you tell her, Dettlaff is here? She knows me, though it has been years since we spoke.”

Faerveren sighed. “Perhaps you should come in and sit down,” xe said.

#snippet post #my writing #about the author #farm life

[iidsch]

[Major Omori spoilers]

A common criticism of Omori is that the plan Basil came up with is too "edgy" or just unbelievable, but I feel like the people who think that are looking at this scene with the wrong glasses.

Yes, when you look at it from a third-person perspective, after learning how Mari's suicide deeply affected everyone and, I assume, as an adult (I highly doubt kids are playing this game), the plan seems very irrational and stupid. And indeed it is. Because that's the kind of plan a kid would come up with if put in such an extreme situation.

Let me use an example that will be understandable for most people, I hope. Imagine you're cooking something in the kitchen, something that requires really hot oil, like fried potatoes. Suddenly, a fire breaks out. If this is the first time this happens, and you're prone to getting anxiety, your first thought is going to be pouring water on the fire. Anyone familiar with kitchen hazards knows that pouring water on a grease fire will make the fire spread and become worse. But you need two important things to be able to act accordingly in this situation: one is the knowledge of what your actions will lead to (in this case the fire becoming worse if you pour water onto it), and two, the ability to calm down so you can make the best decision.

Sunny and Basil had none of those when Mari died. They panicked and, unable to look at the situation with a clear mind, they made everything worse.

And this is not your average 'oh I got a little nervous and made a mistake' scenario. This is a scenario where you, unwillingly and completely on accident, killed someone. Someone that you, and many people around you, deeply loved. As the player, you're observing the situation from a place where you can judge their actions objectively, without any emotions that would tamper with your decisions.

But when you're in the middle of that kind of situation you don't have time to think about it. You're overwhelmed with very strong and negative feelings. Sunny completely shuts himself down, and possibly forces his mind to forget what just happened, the same way he forgets about the closet or Basil's room after he kills himself. Basil, on the other hand, denies that Sunny had pushed his sister down the stairs, and blames "something behind him'", leading him to believe that if someone discovers Mari's dead body, they'll "unjustly" put the blame on Sunny, so he opts for what he thinks is the best solution - lie about her death.

Maybe Basil thought of some other way they could lie to get away with her death, or maybe suicide was the only possibility on his mind at that time. Whatever is the case, we know the decision they took. Or rather the decision Basil took, since it's entirely plausible that Sunny had completely closed himself off and was just following Basil's instructions.

When you see it from the comfort of your chair, all their actions seem really bad, if not terrible, given how Mari's supposed suicide makes the group's friendship crumble. But that is a very unfair treatment of the situation and of their feelings. You’re asking two kids, who are already very shy and anxious, to deal with one kind of situation that I don’t even think an adult could handle well. If what they did seems unrealistic to you, you haven’t fully grasped how traumatic and stressful it must have been for them, and for any other person.

When I first learned the truth, I couldn’t stop asking myself: "what would have I done if this had happened to me?" But that's a question I am not allowed to answer, as I've never had something so tragic happen to me. And that's where the true horror of the game lies, in the fact that this could happen to anyone. Maybe not to such an extreme degree, but making one mistake, hurting someone you love in consequence, and feeling guilty about it is a very real thing to go through, one that I'm sure many have already experienced.

Sunny and Basil were just kids, they made the wrong decision and were forced to live with the unimaginable pain and guilt of their actions. To call their behavior irrational is to deny how humanly they acted in that situation. And after all, to err is human, and what they did was just a terrible mistake.

#omori #m #couldn't fit this anywhere but i also want to add that. as someone who gets very nervous when they make a mistake #and often tries to cover their mistakes up in fear that people will react negatively if they find out the truth #what sunny and basil did hits very close to home #maybe this is something that only people with social anxiety or similar can understand so its important to point it out #so people who are more confident/are good at taking decisions in stressful situations understand that for us anxious folks it's v different #i mean im the kind of person who would definitely panic and pour water if a grease fire broke out so.... #anyway this is super long sorry im just having many thoughts about this game

[everythingodysseydd]

@aeide & @findusinaweek I finally put it all in one place!

A few notes first:

I have two types of music... Good music and fandom music. The first one bleeds into the second on occasion, but 90% of the time those two categories mutually exclusive. Be forewarned.

I’m gender-bending and mid-line pov swapping all over the place, so expect that. I’m also terrible about tossing lines that don’t work and keeping songs purely for choruses, concepts, and single lines. This is a living list, so this original post is the best place to look.

Okay, so starting general and then haphazardly chronological:

Walking with Giants (Rachel Sandy): Just general. All over Odyssey.

2. Start A War (Klergy, Valerie Broussard): Again, everywhere.

3. Blood // Water - Acoustic (grandson): Nikolaos-focused, especially toward the end of the game, but all throughout. Greed is the wrong word, but the rest.

4. Brasidas (ACO Soundtrack): Might’ve been in my Top 5 last year…. xD

5. You're the One (Tracy Chapman): I love her so much and putting this to Brasidas' perspective really makes me laugh. That is all 😂

6. Wild Child (The Black Keys): When fandom sneaks into my actual music it always makes me laugh. This barely applies, but I've laughed about it in Kassidas context, so it's here in the most lighthearted way possible. I take my ships seriously most of the time, I swear xD

7. A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton): Pure reminiscence for one of @findusinaweek’s old posts that really made me smile <3

8. Enemies (Shinedown): Look, it works for Deimos, okay? xD

9. Dive Deep (Andrew Belle): You know when something completely unrelated in the shuffle just makes the writing write, so it ends up on repeat? That’s what happened here. Completely unrelated, but the second and third chapters of Korinthia spent some time with this one. It helped that he enunciates so poorly that I didn’t catch the words until later. They do work, surprisingly. They’re a bit uh… They didn’t hurt the vibe, let's just say that... 👀

10. Whirlwind (JOSEPH): This is a general Kassandra theme for me, but especially through Korinthia. Once it builds up into its full chaos I really love the vibe. Most Kassidas scenes have some element of this on the writing side. Korinthia’s Ch.3 section was fleshed out almost entirely to this at very high volume.

11. Spark (Ed Sheeran): This came round the same way Dive Deep did. I was listening to Ed’s new album at my sister’s request (she’s a huge fan) and this one just worked while I was drafting choreography for Korinthia Ch.3. Most of the lyrics conveniently work as well. *shrugs*

12. Myrrine (ACO Soundtrack): I see this threaded through a lot, but especially in Sparta, Athens, and Euboea. Anytime Kassandra is really going through it or is struggling to see Alexios through the Deimos mask.

13. Twisted (MISSIO): Deimos perspective. Something about it is particularly jarring to me, but in an intentionally lazy, offhanded way?

14. I Don’t Even Care About You (MISSIO): Deimos again, and again, not my favorite, but here functionally.

15. Bad Blood (Bastille): Deimos again. This one I enjoy a lot more. The indifferent annoyance. Essentially, ‘We’re never getting away from each other. Let’s stop pretending this can be different and get on with it.’

16. Born For This (The Score): I actually have this song for another fandom (TCW / TBB, which it actually works for), but every time I think of it in a Spartan context I laugh so hard I had to put it here for kicks. Particularly that northern campaign when it needs some light-heartening. Sobbing over here, don't mind me.

17. Monster (STARSET): Deimos generally. I actually like the concepts here a LOT. There’s a line in Warmth on the Mountain about the EB being the center of Deimos’ world by the end and I really love that fixation idea. That’s in here. The idea of trusting your redemption to the people who destroyed you in the first place… the Can you change me? // Will you cage me? thought dichotomy… Lots of little things in here.

18. Devour (Shinedown): I’ve loved the sound of this one for ages, but hate the content 😂 It finds a decent home in Deimos though. And if it lands anywhere, it’s probably post-Kleon betrayal as everything unravels for them.

19. Hurricane (Tommee Profitt, Fleurie): Battle of Amphipolis. This is in here purely for a concept – that sudden sensory loss and stillness in the middle of chaotic shock. I want to pull that sensation, but haven’t captured it yet, so it's here as a reminder. ALSO, that line, ‘I am aching now to let you in’ – the missed opportunity gets a little extra love from me <3

20-22. Honor Him, Elysium, & Now We Are Free (in that order – Gladiator Soundtrack): For me, these overview all the immediate events after Amphipolis. Forget Gladiator, they were just easy instrumentals to write to, and then I learned the words of Now We Are Free and might have become very, very, very attached to them, particularly this part:

We regret our sins, but // We sow our own fate and // Under my face I remain feeble // Under my face I smile // Even alone/afraid // Under my face I will be waiting

I mean …😫 Can’t you just imagine if those were part of the procession and then repeated in the Underworld when when we learn Brasidas refused Elysium and is putting himself through this??? (Because if he’s there at all, HE chose it – canon can fuck off as far as I'm concerned). The lyrics of this song as a lament over the situation and a call to come to terms with the past????? I'm not going to do it, but I mean…

I also really love the emotional path of Now We Are Free for an actual funeral procession. Since Brasidas was esteemed as a liberator, beloved by the city he died successfully defending, I see the event as a celebratory lament for a city who's populace mostly knew him as the personification of an idea more than a person. When you add the warriors' death glorification layer that Sparta had going on, it just sorta fits? And with the ashes and hypotheses that follow, I imagine Kassandra staying up to the moment his body is gone. The beginning of that song is procession, then the cut back to drumsticks and immediate uptick afterward are the lighting of a pyre. The sound fall that follows is the return to self, where the misthios, not ready for joy, takes a last look at empty flames and slips away into the night alone.

I despise it... but it wormed its way in and it’s not coming out 😂

23. Overjoyed (Bastille): There’s a lot of Bastille in this list. I don’t usually listen to them, but I swear most of this album was written for this specifically. This one was part of my early mourning process and is my excuse for writing 6k-10k word conversations I can’t cut down…

24. I Ran (So Far Away) - Epic Trailer Version (Hidden Citizens): Post-Amphipolis. Kassandra’s not big on processing. This is a bit overkill for me, but it's here regardless. Concept pull.

25. Daniel In The Den (Bastille): Felled in the night by the ones you think you love. Pessimism post-Amphipolis. ^This referring to Brasidas’ death at Alexios hands, which is the tipping point on a scale that had been sliding for a while. By Amphipolis, Kassandra thinks she'd found common ground with Deimos in Athens (not realizing how personally he would take her escape and silence afterward), and was double blindsided. It’s the drudgery and the Cult of Kosmos and Sparta and Deimos, all in one. It’s the backbone of what pushes her to hunt the cult after what happens in the north.

26. These Streets (Bastille): Kassandra post-Amphipolis. Sparta becomes too much. It’s the place of too many memories, all around. She makes a (temporary) decision to be done with it.

27. War (Poets of the Fall): This was here for a handful of lines that I circled for a while and drew a couple concepts from. If I can let the memory heal // I will remember you with me on that field // When I thought that I fought this war on my own // You were there by my side because before Korinth she has people, but not anyone who’s brought all the way inside. With his background, he easily becomes that person. Also a bit of With no one wearing their real face // It’s a whiteout of emotion // And I’ve only got my brittle bones to break the fall // So will you please show me your real face? Because I was suspicious he was a Cult plant for a longggg time. Too good to be true 😂 Fic Kassandra shakes that sooner than I did, but it plays a part. It’s since come off this list, but it’s back for you all 😂

28. War of Hearts (Ruelle): This whole idea of trying not to love someone is just very Kassidas to me. I headcanon that she never makes a pass at him in the game because it’s clearly more serious and that’s a LOT, considering.

29. Deep End (Ruelle): Not resisting the post-Amphipolis spiral.

30. I Found (Amber Run): Found this one on Tumblr’s Kassidas tag… 😫

31. Burning House (Cam): Post-Amphipolis. Technically country, but I’ve loved this song since the very first time I heard it. The fire imagery sticks from Korinth and I headcanon Kassandra carrying a LOT of guilt for Brasidas’ death, alongside the grief she’s experiencing. With that and everything else that comes crashing down in Amphipolis, I headcanon that she hardly sleeps all the way to Pephka, which is a later segment.

32. Hospital (Lydia): Wallowing. Just wallowing 😂

33. Icarus (Bastille): For Kassandra it’s not substances, it’s a dissociative Cult-killing spree, but that’s neither here nor there. Completely a perversion of the myth. And yet it still worked its way into Myrinne’s letter in Euboea, because I’m awful. Lmao.

34. Fading (Decyfer Down): I’ve been obsessed with that lyric, ‘unshackled and unbound’ since I was a weird, angsty teen and finally finding a home for it in the Pephka Arena makes me SO HAPPY. Again, swapping substances for murderous tendencies though xD This connects to this headcanon.

35. Centuries (Fall Out Boy): Pephka Arena. This is what happens when you're an entire library shuffler. I have no excuses 😂

36. From Where You Are (Lifehouse): I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face. This has been a mainstay on my BSG Kara/Lee playlist for YEARS because of this awful video that vented a whole lot of teenage grief for me (that I'll never be over), but it’s an easy song to write wistful, nostalgic scenes to because it’s so even-toned. That lyric ^^ grabbed me in particular, because I did Port of Lawlessness at golden hour (doomed to fall, clearly) and couldn’t stop looking at his arms in that light 🤣🤣🤣 I use this post-Pephka arena when she’s first started to heal and is finally capable of remembering him, but it also comes back in the post-game when she’s finally come home to Sparta.

37. Waves (Dean Lewis): Just general pining, but of a *slightly* healthier variety.

38. Song for Zula (Phosphorescent): Another Nikolaos song. I ignore one lyric at the beginning, but gah. These lyrics KILL me. It’s about the grief and anger of being broken by a relationship and still feeling that enduring emotional attachment you can’t quite shake. I’m in love with it. Might be my favorite on the whole list. It’s Kassandra collecting the pieces after Boeotia and wrestling with the same in Euboea where he finds her again. They (mostly) work past this later, but it's SO perfect for most of the game.

I saw love // You see, it came to me… // It put its face up to my face so I could see // Then I saw Love disfigure me

You will not see me fall // Nor see me struggle to stand // To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hand

39. Carnival of Rust (Poets of the Fall): A high^ and a low. Lmao. I have an adversarial relationship with this one. I DO NOT LIKE IT, but just like Dive Deep and Spark, the MUSIC (NOT the lyrics - repeat, NOT the lyrics) accidentally ended up being what I needed to write Brasidas’ first scene in the Underworld and it’s forever, horrifically, attached to it. It makes me laugh in an ***extremely*** irritated way. Helps me remember not to take myself too seriously, because… *Facepalm*

WRITING FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IS HARD, OKAY?!

40. Foreigner’s God (Hozier): There are only about 5 seconds I actually apply to ACO, but something about “Her eyes looked sharp and steady into the empty parts of me” is just so strikingly Kassidas, especially for that early Underworld segment. Sometimes I think the whole song fits if you really force it, but mostly it's just that line ;)

41. Blood And Fire (Indigo Girls): I'm obsessed with their voices, but extra in this song. It’s not a perfect fit for me, but POV swapping all over the place, I feel like there are tons of snippets. And something about I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give // Give back as much as I need // And then still have the will to live just makes me laugh so. damn. hard. Brasidas being dead has nothing to do with this for me. Kassandra is just... it makes me snicker.

42. Let It All Go (RHODES, Birdy): Underworld angst. Sitting on that relational precipice before the fall, alongside the next song, trying to break past the rules they created for themselves in life so they can get to that next space they both need for healing. I headcanon their physical chemistry in the game being naturally very Port of Lawlessness, but they keep from the complicated explosion that would become by leaning into the rigidity of their professional roles and goals (canon). They share a common goal in Korinth... He uses his position to help her with citizenship in Sparta… She comes to him as a misthios to Pylos and Amphipolis... That structure keeps things easy. It’s an excuse to connect/disconnect without addressing the rest. During the game, she uses that crutch and he lets her have it. In the Underworld *he* needs it, but by that point, she's not as gracious. Breaking anything rigid is daunting though, especially in grief ❤️

If we’re strong enough to let it in // If we’re strong enough to let it go

43. For Me, It’s You (Lo Moon): Sitting in the same tension as above^.

44. Mountain and the Sea (Ingrid Michaelson): At one point (I think while she’s pushing back against his decision to stay in the underworld) I have Kassandra characterize Brasidas as the cliffs beside the wild tempest sea (Kassandra 😂), because up until that point he always has such a steady grasp on things. Everywhere he goes, he has things well in hand - that presence of mind. Even at Amphipolis, the (real) numbers and results tell that story. They're equally formidable, but by a different approach, built by different methods. And when she comes up against him for the first time there, she appreciates it less. When this came up in my shuffle sometime later, I couldn’t resist. And the gender-bent refrain ‘you can move me’ makes me laugh, because that's the story there, even though Kassandra doesn’t realize that deeper piece of the analogy at the time. He ends up HAPPILY in Elysium, dammit. Screw Ubi.

45. Take What I Can Get (Mathew Mayfield): The line that I couldn’t get away from was You’re still locked inside me, holding on. Something about that lyric just hits it for me.

46. Walk Through the Fire (Zayde Wolf, Ruelle): Kassandra-view in the Underworld. It’s hopeless, but we’re finally processing at least.

47. Demons at the Door (Sleeping Wolf): Hmm... Let’s just say this lightheartedly connects to a very specific scene in the Underworld and leave it at that. Breaking some rigidity. When it comes to workshopping ships, the cringiest part of my soul makes an appearance. It is what it is 😂

48. In My Veins - Feat. Erin Mccarley (Andrew Belle): This one was the sound support to some Underworld writing sessions… I rediscovered it (for completely unrelated, unromantic reasons) around the same time I was writing that and it happened to stick.

49. Follow You (Bring Me the Horizon): This one came from Tumblr’s Kassidas tag too. I’m not a huge fan, but the second half does make me laugh about the Underworld portion. And shipping in general... mostly shipping in general XD

50. Light (Sleeping at Last): EXCLUSIVELY SKIPPING TO 1:55. NOTHING BEFORE THAT. (I see Phoibe as Kassandra’s pseudo-child, but everything before that point in the song is irrelevant). For me, the second half of this song is loosely how I felt finding Phoibe in the Underworld. That scene is so gut-wrenching. The awe of the person. The unfulfillable promises. The ‘I’ll do better’ refrain… especially that, but tipped further toward grief. I see this all being part of Kassandra’s internal journey there. There’s nothing she can do, being alive. There’s no promise she can actually make.

51. Silhouette (Aquilo): Phoibe 😫 Sometimes I swing it towards Brasidas in the Underworld, but so much of it is Phoibe’s piece there. Blending the two probably works best.

52. Holding On and Letting Go (Ross Copperman): The stillness and peace that exists in the underworld portion after Kassidas sorts themselves out. There's an underlying calm, despite everything else.

53. Be On Your Way (Daughter): Preparing to part ways in the Underworld - Kassandra on with her tasks, and others on to Elysium. I'm really attached to this one.

54. My Darling (Ingrid Michaelson): I don’t love the first few lines, but all the rest. There are a lot of ways you could apply this one, a lot of relationships, but peak is probably at that second Taygetos moment.

55. Who Are You (SVRCINA): Deimos & Kassandra again, especially in the foundations of their post-game relationship. For that final Cult quest as he’s still very raw. I’m a little obsessed with this one.

56. I Won’t Let You Go (Switchfoot): I’m nothing if not a child of my era and here's proof, lmao. This is a song I took a lot of comfort in at one specific moment in my life (as the subject, not the singer), and I use it for the Kassandra & Alexios relationship at various points too, but especially post-game. The idea that you can’t fix a person’s circumstance, but you can fiercely love them and choose to stay beside them. That.

57. Tally Marks (JOSEPH): I've heard every Joseph song 85k times and can pick them apart in tiny segments, so this is probably just worth skipping for everyone else. It’s written romantically so I’m being VERY selective and filtering out a TON, but there are a couple lyric sets midway through that I LOVE for the tension between Kassandra & Alexios in their early post-game days:

What you’ve done cannot be undone… // But you’ll wake up to another sun.

There just aren’t enough words to describe the chasm between those two thoughts, you know? That gap is the vibe of all the early post-game days. But also,

I’ve got a sense about you // Under your hood, there’s a man that I knew // His eyes are fire and his hands are true // Where is he? // Where are you?

My hope is to be able to find some version of non-Deimos Alexios eventually, because Alexios is such an amazing character.

58. Control (Halsey): Deimos’ internal conflict after coming home to a Sparta who fundamentally hates him while fighting to find a new life. The push/pull of fighting not to become people’s expectations is just… 🙌 Concept pull.

59. Find My Way Back (Eric Arjes): Alexios & Kassandra again. I love this idea of her clinging to him for his benefit, but the same happening in inverse without her realizing. The two of them becoming each other’s counterbalance. I’ve also swapped it toward thinking about Brasidas in Elysium in moments, but I like it for the siblings better.

60. Hold on for Your Life (Acoustic) (Sam Tinnesz): This one is on thin ice, but when I let it lean in on Alexios & Kassandra in post-game quiet moments, I still like it barely enough to keep it.

61. Right Here (Ashes Remain): This song makes me cringe badly, but between the siblings, the line ‘I will always be the one who took your place’ has something that's been bugging me forever and I just haven’t drawn out exactly what that is yet, so until I unlock that tidbit its stuck here. The song means it sacrificially, but its something else entirely in my brain. First time Taygetos... Inconclusive thoughts.

62. Don’t Hold Me (Dean Lewis): More post-game moments on Deimos’ end mostly. (Also possibly washes toward Kassandra at the end of her stay in Athens, realizing there’s a reason Alexios keeps coming back to talk. She starts to feel his leaning in and is pretty listless at that point.) It's a stronger Thalexios song to me, but there's juuuuust enough to keep it here.

63. Honest (JOSEPH): The first half of this song especially has always been a favorite of mine. I love the idea that we’re never as alone as we think AND this is sung by siblings, so that callback portion is full of those rich family dynamics I LOVE. Applies to post-game everything.

64. Keeping Your Head Up (Birdy): Post-game all around. They’ve got a messy 4-way lift happening. Plus, when I first heard this song I misheard the chorus as ‘I’ve been giving you hell’ and honestly that fits everyone in this family so well 🤣

Honestly though, way bigger is that something about this song feels EXACTLY like co-regulation to me. That's a crisis tool where you use one person's calm nervous system to stabilize another, often through physical contact. Like hugs? That might be why. I've been the anchor for a number of people and it’s a really powerful tool, especially for pairs who have a strong bond. If you don't have that before, you absolutely do after. As much sparring and tight-quartering as these siblings do in my imagined post-game, I imagine that being a big (accidental, unnamed) part of their recovery.

65. Coming Home - Part II / Bonus Track (Skylar Grey): I’ll probably never write this portion, but these last two songs are the shift to airy Elysium at the end of Kassandra’s NATURAL life. The original song made its radio debut while I was a teenager struggling to process the death of a peer, so it’s always been laced with a sweet sort of grief-release for me. This cover is much softer. I particularly like the first couple lines, which are specific to this version.

66. Beautiful (Trading Yesterday): Not quite my speed, but this is in here because I love some of the imagery. Summer rain to wash away the winter stain and The morning sun inviting the dawn to break. There’s a freshness to the imagery that I want to try to extract if I ever do write that Elysium portion. I have a visual flow for it all, but am not sure I have the skill to make it as simultaneously light and grounded as I’d need. *shrugs*

And stolen from other's playlists:

67. White Flag (Dido): Just one that makes me laugh about shipping in general, but applies a little too closely to all things Brasidas for me. He's the real ship for me. Everyone else is bonus xD

68. Brasidas (Justin Bianco): Because why not?

69. Run Boy Run (Woodkid): How I feel about the approach to Amphipolis and the whole northern campaign (and just Brasidas in general 😭). He would never, but here we are.

70. Korivantes (Avlites): Such great chaos and order. I love it.

71. Leveler (Half Waif): ❤️

72. Recording 15 (Shannon Lay): Also ❤️

73. Shattering The Hourglass (Deep Sea Diver): Such a good insert for early Underworld to me.

74. Upward Over the Mountain (Iron & Wine): Myrrine / Kassandra. So many thoughts❤️

75. exile (Taylor Swift, Bon Iver): This one hit me months later and I had to come back and add it. Myrrine, with all her history and relationships. I love her so dearly.

76. Bloodstream (Stateless): I blame aeide!

77. She Just Likes to Fight (Four Tet): Just background :)

77. The Phone Book (Editors): Destroying me in the best way possible. I seriously can't even with this song. Strong Alexidas leaning ;)

#Spotify #music #ainulindaelynn

[miniaturetalekitten]

1.) BAM! Who showed up here?!

How happy I am to see you all in a row, one more moment together with you, like pure and necessary water, useful and necessary for how it overflows me with life, and I want to say with this that you first of all do it to me, you hot buns! С:

It was fun in the village, as unusual as ever! Is it hot and sunny and no rain? And I love this kind of weather. Everybody felt good, and that's the most important thing for me! How warm I felt when everyone was smiling and it made me laugh harder and louder, believe me I wasn't like that before, I cried a lot and... I FOUND OUT I WAS IN THE VILLAGE WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD!!! 7 YEARS!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW?! For so long...

I'm shocked, still am, well of course I remember this village, and know, and walked XD

this is the special part, there's no stopping me from them, i start talking so much that i probably should be shut up sooner, yes because if i slowly get used to a place, moreover to people, i talk very, VERY MUCH! and though i am quiet, it's true :D

I don't find many words to describe all the power converted to me, unless, of course, I'm alone with my thoughts and there and talk while no one is around!

Oh.... As I am told, I used to love to sit, paint all alone.

Often avoided children, of different ages, I don't understand why! I'm scared to talk to them, look at them too, but I think they're cute at the same time and I like them terribly! Their laughter, their behavior, their smile, everything! (I definitely watch them from afar.)

We were all little, rays of sunshine! Isn't it great to think about that for hours? Seems like a great start to bright thoughts to me, he~.

I won't lie, I love the silence, the peace and the fact that I'm still the same as I am now, nothing has changed in me! For sure!!! ^^

I seem to have begun to understand the importance of remaining myself with these thoughts, which now read or see that I have written a long post again, ah me!)

Maybe I'm wrong and there are more truthful facts but am I far from the truth? So I can speculate for a long time... comes out of me, or I very much want to support someone's conversation with a protitan soulfulness, to give the most of that goodness! To know that someone's soul becomes more pleasant and their soul sings! I wish to openly show not only myself, but to let my inner, windy world, a lot of people with whom I can share fond memories, because recently I realized that the past is our present time, what is happening now - remains in your story to this day, right now, when you finish reading, then only you will know what to do!)

Not trying to change your perspective on such things, which I touch on with my experience, for that matter. You have your own thoughts! That can't help but be gratifying! Share them with someone you care about, appreciate every chain of your friendship or relationship, I'm sure you will be perfectly appreciated, help you in the future as you will be healthy and strong, have a wild imagination if suddenly you have something on your mind, yes, yes, it happens too! :P

Maybe when I'm just a text that wants to make you happy, you already think of something of your own or you say it out loud :З

I don't recognize it, but it's so cute ^^

I wish you all your own days as you like so and turn any second into one holiday! In honor of...

Yourselves!!)))

1.) БАМ! Кто здесь появился?!

Как я счастлива видеть вас всех подряд, еще одно мгновение вместе с вами, как чистая и нужная вода, полезная и необходимая тем, как она переполняет меня жизнью, и я хочу сказать этим, что вы в первую очередь делаете это со мной, вы, горячие булочки! С:

Весело было в деревне, необычно, как никогда! Там жарко, солнечно и нет дождя? А я люблю такую погоду. Все чувствовали себя хорошо, а это для меня самое главное! Как мне было тепло, когда все улыбались, и от этого я смеялась все громче и громче, поверьте, раньше я такой не была, я много плакала и... Я УЗНАЛА, ЧТО Я В ДЕРЕВНЕ, КОГДА МНЕ БЫЛО 7 ЛЕТ!!! 7 ЛЕТ!!!! АХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХХ! КАК?! Так долго... Я в шоке, до сих пор в шоке, ну конечно же я помню эту деревню, и знаю, и ходила XD

вот это особенная часть, меня от них не остановить, я начинаю говорить так много, что меня наверное надо заткнуть раньше, да потому что если я медленно привыкаю к месту, тем более к людям, я говорю очень, ОЧЕНЬ МНОГО! и хоть я и молчу, но это правда :D

Я не нахожу много слов, чтобы описать всю силу, обращенную ко мне, если, конечно, я не остаюсь наедине со своими мыслями и там и говорю, пока никого нет рядом!

Oх.... Как мне рассказывают, раньше я любила сидеть, рисовать в полном одиночестве.

Часто избегаю детей, разных возрастов, не понимаю почему! Мне страшно с ними разговаривать, смотреть на них тоже, но в то же время я считаю их милыми и они мне ужасно нравятся! Их смех, их поведение, их улыбка, всё! (Я определенно наблюдаю за ними издалека).

Мы все были маленькими, лучиками солнца! Разве не здорово думать об этом часами? По мне, так это отличное начало для светлых мыслей, хе~.

Не буду врать, я люблю тишину, покой и то, что я все такая же, как и сейчас, во мне ничего не изменилось! Это точно!!! ^^

Кажется, я начала понимать, как важно оставаться собой с этими мыслями, которые сейчас читаю или вижу, что опять написала длинный пост, ах я!)

Может я ошибаюсь и есть более правдивые факты, но разве я далека от истины? Так я могу рассуждать долго... выходит из меня, или мне очень хочется поддержать чей-то разговор с протитанской душевностью, подарить максимум этого добра! Знать, что у кого-то на душе становится приятнее и душа поет! Хочется открыто показать не только себя, но и впустить в свой внутренний, ветреный мир, множество людей, с которыми можно поделиться приятными воспоминаниями, ведь недавно я поняла, что прошлое - это наше настоящее время, то, что происходит сейчас - остается в твоей истории по сей день, прямо сейчас, когда ты дочитаешь, тогда только ты будешь знать, что делать)!

Не пытаюсь изменить ваш взгляд на такие вещи, которые я затрагиваю своим опытом, если уж на то пошло. У вас есть свои собственные мысли! Это не может не радовать! Поделитесь ими с тем, кто вам дорог, цените каждую цепочку вашей дружбы или отношений, я уверена, что вас прекрасно оценят, помогут вам в будущем, так как вы будете здоровы и сильны, имейте буйную фантазию, если вдруг вам что-то взбредет в голову, да-да, такое тоже бывает! :P

Может быть, когда я просто текст, который хочет сделать тебя счастливым(ой), ты уже думаешь о чем-то своём или говоришь это вслух :З

Я не узнаю, но это так мило ^^

Желаю вам, чтобы все ваши собственные дни проходили так, как вам нравится, и превращали любую секунду в один праздник! В честь...

Себя!!))))

[ecoamerica]

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[our-flag-means-death-ao3feed]

See your rugged hands and a silver knife

by vonvenedig

Ed had spent months telling anyone who’d listen the terrible torture methods he’d cooked up for the man who now spooned him to sleep every night, mutually splattered in one another’s semen. It was terrifying how wrong he was, how good it could still be with Stede, how much he wanted it. Ed wasn’t a man who was used to eating his words. Truth is a different thing on the open sea, and he was used to it bending to the will of Blackbeard when necessary.

Which Stede refused to do. He refused to be Blackbeard’s victim, firmly positioning himself, without fail, as Ed’s (deeply apologetic) lover. It was disorienting, the way it pulled Ed back to the forefront of the mind, lost as he’d been in the weeded, murky waters of his own psyche for months on end. When he looked in Stede’s fearless (foolhardy?) eyes, Ed felt clear and in control. He felt like himself.

It was fucking terrifying. ~ My continued exploration of Ed and Stede as having more dark, pirate-y perspectives on lust and love, post-reunion. Consent is complicated, but both Stede and Ed are into it. What happens when a bad person with a good side falls in love with a good person with a bad side.

Title from "Your Protector" by Fleet Foxes.

Words: 3264, Chapters: 1/2, Language: English

Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Characters: Blackbeard | Edward Teach, Stede Bonnet

Relationships: Blackbeard | Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet

Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feeding Kink, (Very very lightly), Class Play, (A concept I only started thinking about because of OFMD), Masturbation, Come Marking, Dubious Consent, Rumination, Class Analysis, Blackbeard | Edward Teach is an Early Socialist Thinker, (Mostly a joke but not really), Clothing Kink, Dark but Oddly Sweet, (thank you to W2B for summarizing what mood i'm trying to capture), Rope Bondage, Torture, Rape/Non-con Elements, Public Humiliation, Blackbeard | Edward Teach has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder

source https://archiveofourown.org/works/41917353

#Our flag means death #ofmd

[literaila]

an epiphany we cannot

spencer x reader 

request: hey there! would you by chance, be up to writing something where the reader is finishing grad school and working as a new agent for the bau? and spencer has to go check in on her because she hasn't been showing up to work/class because of depression, and he helps to clean her hair and tidy up the house with her before asking her what's up? sorry if that's a little weird, but i just want a fic where the reader isn't suddenly fixed. i feel like you're the perfect person to do that! 😅

warnings: symptoms of depression, lack of eating + sleeping + showering, maybe angst? its just terrible poetry really 

a/n: the writing of this fic is intentionally chaotic. its meant to be put into the perspective of someone who hadnt slept in week(s). so, if it gets confusing, that was on purpose. 

*

Sleep was an epiphany. 

A strange thing that only came when it was pitch black outside, when the birds had all gone to bed and there were no clouds to be seen in the sky. A strange thing that only came from the deepest feelings in her chest that could not be described. Feeling that she didn’t dare try to mutter aloud. 

How could she? Entirely alone- what would be the point? Why might she try to explain anything when she could simply... 

Breathe in and out. Take in air, she liked to think that she really didn’t need, breathe in and out, and hope that her feeling would soon disintegrate into her body so that she could- for once -feel that strange sleep. So that for once, she could merely forget that she had that feeling at all. 

It had been a hard week, a hard year, one too many too many hard seconds pounding down on her body, the time tick-tocking until she was too tired to breathe. 

She couldn’t sleep. Really, not at all. Not even when she laid in bed for hours, cursing only in her head at the terrible sounds that filled her small apartment. Wondering how the world was acting when she was away. She never slept. Not after hours of thinking, of breathing in the same rhythm, her heart beating just the same as it had hours ago- 

She hated it. 

But, she promised herself, she would not leave this bed, would not leave her house until she could sleep. Until this dreadful feeling was gone so far away that she could no longer think of what it had been. Until her eyes were shut, her body was relaxed, and she no longer had to work to breathe. No more work. 

Her thoughts were jumbled, her mind running on the air she was breathing and nothing else, her conscious mind having no sense of what was going on. 

She was sure there was a smaller part of her screaming somewhere. Sure that this tiny little part of her was banging on the walls of her heart, pushing the ideas, the air, out of her body. She was sure that this part of her was in agony- or something far worse -because of the promise she had made to herself. 

But she wouldn’t think of it, sleep was far too important. 

An epiphany she could not have. One she thought she might dream of if she could. 

She often wondered if other people were struggling just the same as her, if other people were far too surrounded by the whirl of thoughts, by the promises, by the exhaustion, to even think of sleep. If they too, also felt that sleep was an epiphany that would never come. 

She supposed that there wasn’t anyone else, and if there was, she wished their eyes would finally flutter into a peacefulness that they longed for. 

She wished it was herself she was thinking of. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done anything good, the last time she had done anything to improve the state of her mind- hysterical, mad, running itself into a place where air was not a thing that could be achieved -to improve the state of her house, which of course was filled to the very edge with things she didn’t recognize. Things that she’d used weeks ago when she could think sane thoughts. 

She wasn’t doing anything, she wasn’t sleeping, was barely breathing, she tried not to move. She sat in her silence, in the hot air of her room. She wondered when she would fall so far into this bed so that she would no longer be there, when she could finally sink into the hole that seemed was her life, when she could disappear so she didn’t have to wonder about anything at all. 

No one could tell when it had started, when she had laid down and promised herself. If you had asked her, she wouldn’t have answered, she would have laid in the same spot, her body a corpse that was somehow still breathing, and kept quiet until it was too late for questions.

It had been weeks, surely it had, and no one had seen her. No one knew where she was. 

No one had seen her in this state, this terribly fragile, desperate state. 

She thought that she might like to keep it that way. She didn’t like to listen to that tiny voice that wanted her to let someone in, to let them help. She didn’t like that tiny voice. 

It kept getting in the way of the vows she had made to herself. Foolish, unknowing of what she truly needed. 

Sleep.

But, even still, sleep didn’t come. Even when she announced it was the only thing she needed, the only thing she wanted. Even when she thought she was screaming out into the world, begging the universe to take some mercy on her and give her that gentle release. Even when she thought that she didn’t have a voice to beg with anymore. 

Sleep had not yet come. And she could no longer count the days that had gone by. 

She didn’t want to anyway. 

Pounding though. There was definitely pounding. 

She could definitely hear that. 

Different from the one that she heard in her head, different from the banging she was familiar with. No, that banging was a dear old friend she wished to greet at her door. 

This pounding in the air was something else, something on her walls. 

She barely felt herself groan, could barely tell when she ran a hand over her eyes, trying to weigh them down with sheer force. 

“Y/N?” the pounding called, too loud when she was trying to fall asleep. Too loud when she was sure that it was the middle of the night. A voice accompanied it, following too far into the hallway to her bedroom. 

She was trying to sleep, she wanted the epiphany. Pounding could wait, it would. It would just have to wait for her. Wait until she could sleep. 

But, when her body was tingling so far off the bed, and suddenly irritation was crawling its way up her spine, wrapping her in its fury, suddenly she could get out of bed. For once. For what felt like the first time in weeks. 

A strange epiphany she did not think about. 

Still, she barely recognized how to walk, barely knew that her feet were still attached to her legs anymore, but still, fury followed her as she stormed her way down the hall, as she latched herself onto the wall for support. 

As she stopped the sudden pounding that was burning that fire in her throat. 

And while she was aware there was a voice. A raspy tenor tone coming from the other side of the door. It was one she might have known weeks ago before her promise, but because she didn't recognize it she was surprised when she saw the man standing in her doorway. 

But, strangely enough, he looked more surprised to see her. 

His eyes were wide, shock displaying on all of his features. Clearly, he hadn't been expecting to see the devil of a person that Y/N was. He’d been expecting the girl she’d been before, brighter, alive. 

Spencer stood there for only a moment, taking in the breath of air that was Y/N. It had been three weeks since any of them had seen her since she’d stopped returning their phone calls. Finally, that morning Spencer decided he had to stop over at her apartment before going home, and it wasn't like anyone had tried to stop him. 

There was clearly something very wrong. 

Y/N winced at the light creeping its way into her eyes, winced at the sky, and tried not to think about how tired she was. 

She sighed and looked up at Spencer, who was still standing shocked on her doorstep. 

“What’re you doing here Spencer?” Her voice was an unfamiliar scratch to the both of them. A fraction of the voice she used to have. 

Spencer snapped out of his shock, bending down so he could get a more clear look at her face. It took him one more moment before he got the courage to clear his throat and say something. 

“Where have you been? Why haven't you answered the phone?” 

When there was a lack of answer in the air, Spencer invited himself into her apartment. He knew well enough she wasn't going to do it herself. 

He pushed past her into her living room, too focused on what he saw to notice how she struggled to stay up on her feet, how her eyes couldn't focus and her world turned black for a couple of seconds before she could look at him again. 

No, Spencer didn't notice that. He was too stuck on the appearance of her apartment. 

There were cups everywhere, papers and textbooks scattered around the floor, clothes on almost every piece of furniture. It was clearly very well lived in, but Spencer couldn't see anyone. All he saw were some ghosts sitting in his coworker's house. 

“What happened?” He asked too quietly for Y/N to hear from the other side of the room. 

Her mind was locked in her bedroom, in the hole that was supposed to be enveloping her at the moment. Her mind was focused on the screaming in her head, telling her 

No, you can't. You cannot have that you cannot. Her mind was a repeat of all the things she wasn't doing, all the things she wouldn't do, the promises she’d made, the words that she’d been telling herself for days. 

No, you cannot go back to bed. You’ve been sleeping long enough. 

And so, she couldn't hear Spencer. Not over this demand. Not over this insisting she was inflicting upon herself. 

“Y/N?” Spencer asked, now in front of her, looking at her with concerned eyes that she didn't want. “When was the last time you slept?” He questioned, grabbing her arm to keep her from falling. 

Huh. She hadn’t even noticed. 

Her mind was a glass of water, tipping off the edge. 

“I don't remember,” she murmured, her thoughts too overwhelming to count the days back. To think of the weeks she had lost. To think about how much she might have missed Spencer, how she could be enjoying his company right now. 

Too overwhelming to think. 

“Your complexion is sallow, you’re blinking at an unusually slow rate, and you can't stand up straight.” Spencer paused, looking over as if he had just heard her. “You can't remember?” his voice was almost too loud. Much too loud when she was right next to him. 

Y/N squeezed her eyes shut, her head still pounding even though she had left him in, her mind still yelling even though she had kept her promise. Her body was tired, her mind was almost gone, and it was hard to even stay focused on Spencer. 

“When was the last time you ate Y/N?” Spencer asked, his voice now demanding and worried. 

She just shook her head, letting him know that she still didn't remember. 

“Shower?” he asked slowly, keeping his eyes on hers. 

She didn't express a thing, just made an effort to keep her eyes on his. So that he would know she wasn't ignoring him. 

Spencer sighed, keeping his hand on her arm and gently leading her to the couch. 

Y/N tried to not think about how she would’ve liked to take a nap. Would’ve liked to get some escape from this moment. Even if it was Spencer. 

You see, there had been a flicker between them weeks ago. Before the promise. Before Y/N couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe. When she used to answer the phone, they used to spend time thinking about each other, denying the daydreaming they did. Spencer used to stare at her over the book he was holding, his eyes trapped by her. Y/N tried to pretend she didn't do the same. 

There had been a flick between the two of them weeks ago, and even now, Y/N wanted to show him that he cared. 

Even when she could barely keep her own heart beating. 

Spencer stared at her for a while, making sure that she was still breathing even if he looked away. He observed her dull eyes, her lifeless body, and the weak composure of her face. 

He couldn't deny that he missed her, that he’d been worried before he’d even seen her. But looking at her, he wished he didn't have to see this. Wished that she wasn't a pile of flesh before him, wished that they could go back to weeks ago when she had smiled at him. 

He finally went into her kitchen to get her a glass of water. 

He wasn't sure if she would be able to keep anything else down, and frankly, he was more worried about her lack of sleep. Of how exhausted she looked. 

“Do you want to take a shower? Hot showers help relax the muscles and nerves so that your entire body feels more relaxed. It might help you sleep.” 

At the mention of sleep Y/N’s eyes went wide. 

Her mind was begging begging begging, telling her not to do it. That she couldn't, wasn't allowed to. She didn't know why she was trying to torture herself, why she was inflicting this stone-cold pain on her own mind, erasing herself from everything. 

She didn't know why she couldn't get these thoughts under control even when she was with someone else. 

Not allowed. Can't. 

Sleep was an epiphany. 

A strange thing that only came when it was pitch black outside, when the birds had all gone to bed and there were no clouds to be seen in the sky. A strange thing that only came from the deepest feelings in her chest that could not be described. Feeling that she didn’t dare try to mutter aloud. 

A feeling she didn't want to feel anymore. Wanted to get rid of, throw it into the sun. Burn it to ash until she forgot about it completely. 

She finally nodded, words frozen in her throat, her eyes falling so quickly now. Sleep was an epiphany she had not had for so long. 

She would have to force herself to stay up any longer. 

She would just have to ignore the voice, let him help you. Spencer. 

Spencer helped her into the shower, making sure that she was secure before leaving. He smiled a sweet smile before walking out of the room, giving her something to imagine as hot water pounded against her skin, a feeling that had become so unfamiliar to her in the weeks following her promise. 

Spencer waited a couple of minutes after. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but he also didn't want her banging her head on the tile while he was gone. 

After he was sure she was staying awake, he preoccupied himself with cleaning up her apartment. Even slightly, by throwing away the trash and gathering all of her clothes into the hamper he had found in her closet. 

He could see the pain and the desperation on her face, could feel it in the air when she was just looking at him and not uttering a word. He had to help, in any way he could, just so that she wouldn't feel that any longer. So maybe she would smile before he left. 

He was interrupted by his phone buzzing in his pocket. 

JJ was texting him, checking on Y/N, and asking him what was going on. He’d almost forgotten that he’d told everyone else he was going to see her. 

Spencer waited a few brief moments, listening for the sound of the shower before he called her back. He wasn't sure if Y/N would want to know that they were all worried about her. 

Spencer wasn't even sure Y/N wanted him there at all. 

“Spence, is she okay?” forgoing a hello, JJ asked. Spencer could hear breathing in the background, two other people talking. He figured that the rest of the team was all gathered around the phone, acting as if they had nothing else to do but ask him what was going on. 

“She's alive,” Spencer said, laughing bitterly at how relieved he felt about that. “She's taking a shower right now, she said she didn't remember the last time she’d had one.” 

“What?” confusion littered the tone, and Spencer wished he didn't have to explain, but he also knew that no one else was going to take silence as an answer. 

“She hasn't been sleeping enough, she doesn't remember anything she's done in the past few weeks- and she doesn't seem to mind that. She almost fell over just standing up, and it took her five minutes to come to the door. She's the clinical definition of fatigue.” He told JJ, sighing as he picked up papers from across the floor, textbooks that he was sure Y/N hadn't even touched. 

“Did she say anything about why?” Derek’s voice flooded through the phone, Spencer clearly now on speaker. 

“She could barely pay attention the entire time, she was completely withdrawn from our conversation.” 

Spencer paused, hearing the water from the other room shut off. He almost felt worse now, and it was a lucky excuse that Y/N was going to come out. 

“She just got out of the shower, I have to go.” Spencer rushed out, ignoring the arguing pleas that came his way. “I’ll call you later.” 

By the time he had hung up, Y/N was walking out of the bathroom, a robe wrapped around her shoulders, her body curling into itself as she walked over to him. 

Her mind was still yelling and the world was still pounding on her back, chipping her into little pieces. 

And she could still feel that feeling, the one she had tried to throw away. 

But, at least she was clean. 

“Good shower?” Spencer asked, watching her as observed the newly cleaned living room. She nodded as she looked around, her voice still lost with the rest of her mind. “Are you okay Y/N?” Spencer blurted out, his voice thinking faster than his mind. 

He was worried, even after she had managed to take a shower and fall asleep. Even if she looked more alive, and a little bit less in pain. She was still silent, and she still hadn't slept any. 

“Can I go to bed?” She whispered, ignoring his question similar to how she ignored the yelling in her head telling her she 

Could not would not cannot 

She took a breath in, so familiar with remembering how to breathe. 

Inhale, exhale. Keep your heart beating. 

Spencer stood in front of her, still observing. She was avoiding his eyes, his careful hands, his thoughts so that maybe she could get away from there. She appreciated his company, she really did. As always. 

But, she really just wanted him to leave. 

“I think you need to eat something first,” Spencer whispered back, waiting for her reaction, hoping that he would just let him do this one last thing before she threw him out. 

Y/N was barely listening, but still, she nodded, her disagreement clouded by the weight of the world on her shoulders. The promise she still had to fulfill. 

The thoughts of the person Spencer used to know too powerful to avoid. 

Oh, how she was ashamed that she had turned into this person unable to take care of themselves. Oh, how she was ashamed that he was the one that had to see her like this. 

She just wanted to sleep. 

“Chicken broth is rich with vitamins and minerals, which are useful against common ailments like the common cold, the flu-” Spencer paused, shaking his head. “Nonetheless, you just have to drink a couple of cups.” He told her, leading her back to the couch so that she wouldn't fall asleep standing like he was worried she would. 

He then left the room, clicking on her TV in an effort to keep her entertained while he heated some water. 

But Y/N didn't pay attention. She was too lost in the memories of the last few weeks, that black hold that was her bed, the pounding that was her life, the breathing that she still couldn't get right no matter how many times she practiced. That feeling she just couldn't get rid of. 

She had no idea how she had abandoned everything so easily, how she could have ignored the common sense that she surely had. She had no idea how she had made a promise and still not fulfilled it. 

Stress was a powerful being. A friend that knocked onyour door, said they didn't want to be a burden. A friend that kicked down all your walls and set your hair on fire, simply because they could. Stress was a victim you didn't want to get rid of, a person you were supposed to be taking care of. 

Stress, had never really been her friend. 

It had only ever led her down the path of pain, of exhaustion, of 

Cannot, will not, would not. 

She wouldn't sleep. No, just like stress had said, sleep was an epiphany. 

“Here you go,” Spencer said, handing her a cup. She blinked rapidly, not even aware that he had walked back into the room. She grabbed the mug from him, her hand a deadweight carrying on to nothing. 

Spencer stared, he wasn't sure what else he could do. Y/N needed to get cleaned, she needed to eat, and she needed to sleep. And Spencer could only be responsible for two of those things. He couldn't control it all. 

Y/N took a sip of the broth, the liquid was both comforting and uncomfortable. After all, she didn't remember the last time she had eaten anything. 

“I studied for three days before I went to bed,” she finally whispered, her words making no sense to Spencer. But still, he would listen. “And then, I couldn't fall asleep. I can't remember how long I laid there, hoping that maybe I would finally close my eyes.” 

She almost wanted to sob against him, almost wanted to fall asleep in his arms. 

Almost almost almost. 

Inhale, exhale. 

“And then I made a mess, I was so angry, I just threw things around. I spent a day making a mess of everything, promising myself I wouldn't leave until I fell asleep. And then I went back to bed.” her voice was gravel against the air, her tears burning her skin as they fell. 

Spencer listened, not saying a word. 

“And then you showed up, right as I was sure it was time to fall in too deep.” 

And then the silence weighed in the air between them. Y/N was finished, and Spencer could finally start to make sense of what was going on. He could finally understand how a friend could become the worst betrayal. 

So, he moved a little closer, put his arm around her shoulder in a brief moment. 

And, as she barely ate, he held her close, reminding her he was there. 

Sleep was an epiphany, a strange thing that hung itself in the dark, wrapped itself in the sky at night when the world could barely breathe. 

It was a thing that could be blocked by the littlest of obstacles, a thing that she 

Could not, cannot, will not. 

“Come on Y/N,” Spencer whispered, noticing her eyes falling a little bit harder than they had before. He grabbed the mug from her hands and set it down on her coffee table. Taking her hand for the last time that night, he led her to her room. 

He helped her lay down, wrapped her in underneath the blankets. He held her shaking hand, rubbed her back until she was no longer quivering from the cold. 

He whispered words to her in the silence of her bedroom, reminding her that even with stress, even with all the things that she couldn't get out of her brain, he was there. And he still felt the same, still knew who she was to him. He let her know that he wasn't going to leave her alone again. 

wasn't going to walk away. 

He whispered words to her until her breathing evened out, and her eyes were shut. 

And then, he stayed up, making sure she was still breathing. Caring for her in the only way he knew how. 

And sleep, 

She could.

* 

my masterlist here. 

#spencer reid smut #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid imagines #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds rp #criminal minds headcanons #mgg #mgg x reader #mgg blurb #mgg fanfiction

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

I know you haven't really done many prompts for Empire SMP, but having seen Jimmy's perspective today, I really want to see him just talk about everything that's against him and I think it would be really fun to see him just breakdown with Pixl.

Lore-wise, Jimmy really has gone through the ringer.

he really has T_T someone pls save him

...

Pixlriffs is working on setting up some more candles around the vigil when he hears a noise from behind him. Immediately alert, he spins round, already pulling out his sword, but he freezes when he spots a figure half-limping towards him.

As he rushes towards the figure, he realises with a jerk that it’s his closest ally. “J-Jimmy?!”

The ruler of the Cod Empire is dishevelled and clearly exhausted, and instead of his normal cod mask, he’s wearing the brown llama mask that Pixl remembers giving him a few weeks ago.

Pixl reaches out to steady his friend, holding him by the arms. “Jimmy, what on earth-?!”

“Gosh, your empire is… is really out there,” Jimmy murmurs, his words slightly slurred. “In the middle of a desert. I’m so hot…”

With that, he collapses against Pixl.

“Jimmy!” he gasps, propping his unconscious friend up.

He manages to lift Jimmy onto his back and hurriedly carries him over to his home. He lays Jimmy down on his bed and hesitantly removes his friend’s mask.

He’s shocked to see a fairly fresh cut on Jimmy’s face from his left temple to the corner of his left eye. It’s not still bleeding but it looks untreated. Maybe from the last day or so.

Forcing himself to ignore that for now, Pixl fetches some water and an ice pack, the latter of which he applies to Jimmy’s forehead. Immediately, Jimmy lets out a quiet sigh and stirs slightly, though he doesn’t wake.

After about ten minutes of gently tipping sips of water down Jimmy’s throat, Jimmy’s eyelids flutter.

“Hey,” says Pixl quietly, giving his friend a soft smile. “Can you hear me?”

Blinking groggily, Jimmy frowns. “What happened? Where am I?”

“In my empire,” says Pixl. “Do you not remember?”

Jimmy lifts a hand to his forehead. “My head’s a little fuzzy.”

“I’m not surprised; you were pretty dehydrated. Do you have any idea how long you were wandering around in the desert?”

“No, not really.”

“Well if you walked all the way here from your kingdom, it’s a wonder you didn’t parch to death,” Pixl responds. “Why didn’t you use your elytra?”

“I wanted to walk as long as possible and then when I eventually tried to take off, I realised I didn’t have any rockets,” says Jimmy sheepishly.

Pixl chuckles. That’s so Jimmy. “Right, I see. Why would you want to walk all the way here, anyway? We didn’t have a meeting or anything, did we?”

“No, I…” Jimmy hesitates. “I just needed a break. And I wanted to see you. And I needed to be several thousand blocks away from everyone else.”

“Really?” Pixl frowns. “Are you okay?”

Jimmy hesitates again, before deciding to tell the truth. “Um… no. I’m not okay. A lot of stuff happened yesterday and I’d really like to curl up and cry right now.”

Pixl gives his friend a sympathetic look. “Tell me about what happened.”

“W-Well…” Jimmy sits up in the bed, taking a deep breath. “fWhip covered my nether portal in cobblestone so I told him to come over and clear it up but he used tnt to blow it up and then when I told him to fix the hole in the ground, he blew a bigger hole under the first one and then Scott and Gem showed up and I was hoping they might be on my side but apparently Scott actually helped fWhip make the cobblestone thingy so then I got really mad and hit fWhip with my sword but then he killed me and stole my Codfather mask and I begged him to give it back but he just flew off with it a-and I don’t know how to get it back now cuz Scott said I keep starting things I can’t finish and that even with my allies, I couldn’t hope to beat fWhip but I need that mask back Pixl I can’t-.”

Sensing Jimmy’s rising panic, Pixl quickly grabs Jimmy’s shoulders to stop his friend. “Hey hey hey, shh. It’s okay, Jimmy. Shh.”

Jimmy lets his breathing settle, clearing his throat as his voice cracks. “Wh-What’s wrong with me, Pixl…?” he whispers. “Why am I such an easy target? Is this all because I stole stuff from Sausage so early on? Do I deserve all this?”

“No, Jimmy,” replies Pixl immediately. “fWhip is being a bully, and bullies always have their buddies backing them up so they feel stronger. First it was Sausage, now it’s Scott.”

“I just… I just don’t understand. I thought Gem and Katherine were my allies but Gem is now fully on fWhip’s side and Katherine pretends she’s on everyone’s side but she always seems to back up the person who isn’t me. Who do I have on my side?”

“You’ve got me, you’ve got Joel, you’ve got Lizzie.”

“I do trust Joel and Lizzie, and you of course, but… I-I’m just kinda expecting everyone to leave me if another alliance offers something better. And I wouldn’t even blame them.”

Pixl pauses, casting a brief look at the walls surrounding him. “...well, I’ll never leave you.”

“I-I don’t think you can realistically promise that,” Jimmy responds dejectedly.

This reinforces Pixl’s resolve. “I’m doing it anyway. You need an ally you can always count on, and I will be that ally. No matter what, Jimmy, I’ll stick by you. I know my empire is a long way from yours but if you ever need backup again, send me a message and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and fly straight over.”

“Really…?” Jimmy stares at him with hopeful eyes. “Wh-Why would you do that for me? Aren’t there better, stronger empires out there you can ally with?”

“Frankly, yeah, there are. But I don’t care. It’s not all about power.”

Jimmy scoffs.

“It’s not,” Pixl repeats. “Power gets you through a war, sure, but wars aren’t the only things empires have to deal with. You’re a kind and fair ruler to your subjects, Jimmy. Villagers, animals, everything. You always go the extra mile to ensure their comfort and safety, and in this world, that’s a rarity. Power really isn’t the only thing that matters. It’s one of the biggest, but that doesn’t mean you should be counted out just on lack of power. That’s why you find yourself a powerful ally, right? And I like to flatter myself that I’ve built up a pretty powerful empire here. Maybe not fWhip-level powerful, but strong enough to defend us both if a certain tnt-crazed empire comes calling.”

Jimmy gazes at him. “Would you really put your empire on the line for my fights?”

“Of course.” Pixl gives him a kind smile. “That’s what allies do.”

“...Pixl, I…” Jimmy can hardly muster any words to express his emotions. “I-I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. All we need to do is take care of each other and we’ll be okay.”

“Pix…” Jimmy is almost completely lost for words. He’s never had someone show this level of dedication towards him before, especially considering they haven’t known each other very long. “A-Anything you need, Pix, anything at all, just ask.”

Pixl’s smile falls as his eyes flicker up to the scar on Jimmy’s face. “Actually… I do have a question. How did you get that scar on your face?”

“Huh?” Jimmy’s hand automatically moves to touch the jagged line on his forehead. “Oh. This. A, um… a piece of debris from fWhip’s second tnt explosion got me. Nearly got my eye, actually.”

“It looks bad. Untreated.”

“Yeah, I… I’m not so good at first aid and I did ask Scott and Gem if one of them could help me clean it but they refused.”

Pixl’s eyes widen. “They what?!”

Jimmy nods sadly. “They made some excuses and left. Scott said it didn’t look that bad and I could deal with it myself. I looked at it in the river and I also didn’t think it looked that bad.”

“Gosh.” Pixl shakes his head disapprovingly, a deep frown on his face. “That’s… That’s so terrible.”

“I-I’m sorry,” whispers Jimmy.

“What? No, not you. I can’t believe Scott and Gem would leave you when you were clearly hurt. Do you have a first aid kit back in your base? And your food situation: do you have enough food? What’s your diet like?”

A little taken aback by the sudden questions, Jimmy hesitates. “I’ve, uh… been eating fish, mostly. Cod Empire, you know.”

“Any potatoes? Carrots?”

Jimmy shakes his head.

Pixl scrutinises him. “Right, okay. Jimmy, you’re gonna stay with me here for a while.”

“A-A while?”

“A few days. You’ve been through a lot lately; you need someone to take care of you. I’ll get that wound treated for you, show you around my empire, and make sure you get some nutrients in your diet. Do you have a potato farm?” Before Jimmy can reply, Pixl continues, “Nevermind, I’ll get you enough potatoes to either get started or improve it, whichever. You need to keep drinking water, though; you’ll get dehydrated really fast in the desert.”

He pauses as he registers the smile on Jimmy’s face. “What?” he chuckles.

“Nothing.” Jimmy averts his gaze, though his smile remains. “Just… thank you. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have you on my side.”

Pixl smiles back and squeezes Jimmy’s shoulder.

“I’ll always be on your side, Jimmy. Always.”

#empires smp #pixlriffs #solidaritygaming #vaunna’s requests

[caspercryptid]

Not specifically about the newest chapter but in general. Hammer to fall Jayce political radicalization king con

Did you just hit enter and experiance Instant Regret xD

Anyway whhhhhaaaaaaaaat. Nooooooooooo. Deeeeeefffinitely not. Who has a leftist agenda. Not me and @the-neon-pineapple , that's for sure. Not in our longfic HAMMER TO FALL with the leftist politics tag. (/s /lh)

Actually on a more serious note, I would like to talk about this. As I discuss in my meta-post about the Gioparafication of Jayce Talis, I think activist’s fatigue is a worthy reference point for his character. I don’t necessarily think he NEEDS to be radicalized. His perspective is coming from the right place. It’s just making the wrong decisions. 

Alright, Discussion below the cut of chapters 1-9 of HAMMER TO FALL, through “The one with the body”, and the tws for those chapters apply. If you don’t remember which chapter i’m talking about.... it’s the one with the body. I signpost the transitions between chapters so I suppose you could check this out and stop where you last read up to? Idk why you would but if my meta is important to you, take a crack at it. 

Warning my beloveds: Fucking Long. It’s all the screencaps. 

Alright so. This? Is chapter 2. 

Jayce Talis is effectively two people. There’s a kind of fucked up ingenuity to what Camille did to his head- If anyone doesn’t know what i’m talking about, here’s the relevant side story, though it’s referenced throughout in bits and pieces. We try to keep these things pretty quick so if you missed it: that’s fine! Jayce is repressing it. He’s Definitely Fine.

Anyway here is the binary: Jayce Talis gets to care about politics. Jayce Talis gets to build equipment to help better social conditions, gets to vote for leftist causes, gets to express his opinions on poverty and whatever else have you at home with Viktor (hell, if he didn’t, Viktor sure wouldn’t put up with him) Jayce Talis is aware of where the disability ramps are at the university so he can drop Viktor off there and that they’re stupidly far away from everything else, ADA requirements be damned. Jayce Talis talks about the news with Viktor. 

Defender? Defender doesn’t. Defender’s purpose is to Catch Falling Buildings, Hit Things, and Do Rescues. Defender gets to be a hero. Defender does not. Get to have opinions about politics. He’s stupid, simple, and his purpose is to participate in the existing system while Jayce works behind the scenes to try to improve technology, to try to make better conditions possible. 

Here’s chapter 5: the one with the dinner party

This is what defender is supposed to do- he is not supposed to be the one pushing social change, because that’s what Jayce Talis is for. Unlike Viktor, who gets to be himself as Herald, both of the parts of Jayce are so fragmented that neither of them are real. Here’s the binary between Defender’s exterior monologue and how Jayce actually feels.

Defender is all about avoiding Immediate Harm. His arrest record is terrible, because he is not actually all that interested in putting people in prison. He’s not interested in the fights. He’s interested in stopping the bleeding wound before he finds out what’s causing it. This is symptomatic of his canon approach to solving problems- he sees that there are problems! he has a very extreme desire to fix them! he grabs onto immediate solutions before he realizes that the problems are endemic. There is something in front of him- It’s a building about to fall, it’s civilians being threatened, it’s paper evidence of corruption, it’s people coming across a bridge to bomb the city. 

You ever see those bits in cartoons where water starts leaking out a hole and someone just sticks their finger in it. And then there’s more holes. and they try to keep doing that. 

Now that I have typed all this. Duct tape. The metaphor I am looking for is duct tape.  You get me. 

Anyway, the dinner party.

Jayce is very much AFFECTED by all of this. He cares very very deeply about these causes. He has just decided that the approach he is going to take is going to be to work to improve technology on one end and to try to reduce harm on the other. And as a superhero....

....yeah. His priority isn’t the fight, as much as he gets a rush out of fighting Herald.

And speaking of Herald! 

Lets talk Chapter 6: The one with the water. 

I think it’s an important touch point WHY Jayce is so attracted to his superhero nemesis. It’s because he admires Herald’s politics. He admires that Herald has the right ideas, even though he thinks that Herald is taking the wrong approach. Unlike Silco, Herald doesn’t create unnecessary collateral damage. Herald is a precision instrument. Jayce really likes the fact that Herald CARES about people, it’s the reason he spends so much time trying to talk to him instead of fighting him (which of course annoys Herald to no fucking end). To a certain degree, this speaks to a dissonance within Jayce himself.  Jayce recognizes something in Herald. He wants Herald to understand because- well, have you ever talked to someone who has a really close political position to yours and they’re a sane rational person but you’re wildly divided on one particular point? doesn’t it compel you to try harder to convince them? you feel like you’re close, and Yet. And Yet.

And then, on Jayce’s usual politics, Chapter 7, the one with the filler episode. 

Jayce is anti escalation every step of the way. He does not like politicians! he does not want the armor to get any worse. He knew hextech was going to get weaponized (figured that out around the same time Viktor Built A Death Ray, In Fact) with the dawning of this age of superheroes. This universe is different from the arcane canon in that people were swinging around power already. Heimerdinger, Vander, Silco, Camille- this is a very weaponized age. But here, Viktor and Jayce make the jump at about the same time. Viktor because he sees his science failing, and Jayce in part because he sees Cait going out to fight alone and doesn’t want to leave her. While Viktor falls out of hopelessness, Jayce rises out of a hope that he can help, to an unimaginable height of fame and celebrity: becoming a superhero was just about the only thing he Could do to promote himself higher. And virtually immediately he has nowhere to go but down. 

The progression of understanding Jayce is complicated slightly by the chronology of HtF. A lot of the time, you’re looking backwards, and to a certain degree, up. Jayce has already begun this spiral by the time the last straw is placed on the camel’s back. So by the time he starts talking about how he feels, he’s been feeling that way a while.

Which brings us to chapter 8, the one with the battery.

Jayce is aware of his position: and because he’s aware of his position, and his privilege, he’s been very effectively silenced. By the time he started having doubts there was no reason for anyone to listen to him. The people who would were the ones who hated everything he represented too much to see the cracks in his armor, or too much for Jayce to admit what he’s doing in the first place. He is now very effectively trapped in an echo-chamber. The only thing to do is what he’s already doing, because he cannot do anything else. His politics are, by this point, inconsequential.

Defender is apolitical. He is a fire hose. Viktor does not, for a long while, realize this. And because of the inability to see the man behind the mask: jayce, HIS Jayce, he has no way of knowing that jayce ISN’T just leaving all the major issues by the wayside. Jayce is in fact within the system fighting for incremental change. He’s just not doing it very effectively, because his participation in the system is absolutely Wearing Him The Hell Down. His ability to think Big Picture is being destroyed by how absolutely fucking wrecked he’s getting. We should keep a concussion tally. Yikes. Anyway, this is all best summed up by....

Chapter 9: The one with the body.

Yeah, remember how earlier Jayce was so impressed because Herald doesn’t kill civilians?

Jayce does not consider Joyner a civilian. Despite his squeamishness, all Herald has to say is “Oh, Joyner knew a lot of people were suffering and dying and he was profiting off of it” and Jayce INSTANTLY doesn’t care one fucking bit about this dude. Not a One. He is Onboard. Would he have killed this dude himself? no. But.

There you go. Jayce is a vigilante, too. Jayce is BARELY acting within the confines of the law.

The only reason what Jayce is doing is legal is because he smiled his pretty perfect smile at enough people for things to get signed over as legal. He does not see himself as the law, is not acting within it, is not in favor of the state. He’s anti-villain, he fights because he wants to protect people, he’s a good man.

And of course, the system is going to eat him alive, because he is Still Doing The Wrong Thing. 

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading! Hope you like the fic, more to come! 

#h&v au #H&v meta #I Am So Sorry This Was Fucking Ridiculous #i just think about jayce a lot

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