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lunapwrites · 1 month

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An example of house-cleaning with ADHD.

My partner has been on my ass for at least the last 3 years to clear out the upstairs nook. As for why he is not assisting with this endeavor instead: it's 100% my stuff and 100% my space. I don't touch the basement. He doesn't touch the nook. Them's the rules.

But, well, you know, executive dysfunction and all that.

So fast forward to this year, with all the stuff happening and particularly Bean. And there's been a lot of "yes, I know I need to get it cleaned out" because we need the space and we also need to replace the windows and we can't get to them but me being me I have dragged my feet on it, because I didn't need to do it today.

Recently, though, I've been getting a little anxious about time - kinda hard to be as blind to it when you've got very visible proof that time is not only passing, but running out. So last week I finally dug through all my art supplies and figured out what I was and wasn't going to use, and gave away all the stuff I knew wasn't in my wheelhouse.

And just like that, there was an item checked off my list - one less barrier to entry.

Today, I woke up with a drive to clean, and if there's one thing you need to know about executive functioning disorders, it's that when the siren song of productivity finally calls us, we MUST drop everything immediately and dance to that demented little tune. So here I am, 12 hours later, exhausted and still only 80% done.

But god damn what an 80% that was. Bookshelves rearranged. Art supplies organized. Tables removed. Tea collection tamed.

Anyway, I still need to put all the books away that are going in storage but the important thing - the most important thing - is that the windows in both the computer room and the nook are now accessible, and able to be replaced so that the top floor of the house can be habitable in the summer months lol. Kind of important, considering Bean's room is up here. And also a lot of the stuff that was taking up space in Bean's room is being moved out, which means we can start properly setting it up. Nice little cascade effect.

I'm definitely gonna sleep like a rock tonight though, lol.

#i am. so tired.#literally i was nonstop all day.#this happens only rarely so #i have to take advantage when it does #and the cool thing is that i've been getting a lot better at like #the light upkeep stuff in between the big cleans #so things aren't so overwhelming all the time #it does help!#you would think that was an obvious connection but no!#adhd posting #bean posting #house cleaning #i cannot stress enough how much i did today y'all lol #bitches is tired #(it's me i'm bitches)#lp talks

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not-poignant · 11 months

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Under the stain is so good and so well written! Huge fan. I was wondering what’s the schedule for updates since you mention that the next chapter is already ready but I’ve had to wait for weeks for it to drop. Please drop it earlier if you can :((

Hi anon,

I already drop chapters of A Stain that Won't Dissolve earlier than I used to, because it used to be a chapter every 3 weeks, and now it's a chapter every 2. I can't go any faster, because I am literally working on eight different stories right now, and you know, I need money to eat food, and live, and pay my medical bills, and Stain doesn't do any of that, so my other writing has to come first.

I'm doing the best I can, anon.

You can always check out my writing schedule here. Generally A Stain that Won't Dissolve goes up every second Sunday. You are not the only one who is having to wait two weeks for it to arrive, everyone is, and I'm glad you're enjoying it, just...please know I'm also a real person who is working really hard all the time on my writing and Stain can't come first, unless you're willing to come here and pay me a living wage? Then we can work something out ;)

#asks and answers #a stain that won't dissolve #thespectaclesofthor #i have written 4 chapters ahead anon #the reason i don't post them is because i'm very sick and i have an incurable cancer and a bunch of other stuff #so if i'm ever too sick to update every two weeks #*i have chapters to post so that people aren't waiting even longer between updates*#that's the reason i write ahead #because i am perma-sick and i care enough about all of you #that i want to make sure i'm consistent even when i'm too sick #to make food for myself #(the good news is i am rarely that sick)#but i *have* been that sick before and will be again #so i plan ahead

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wingodex · 9 months

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okay so in season 2 of good omens they bring up this book called the expert at the card table and i've posted about this book before because i am extremely not normal about it for a bunch of reasons i cannot hope to articulate here (if you wanna read it. for whatever reason. houdini donated a copy to the library of congress and so it's just freely available online for everyone). but like the person who wrote it was almost certainly a professional card cheater so obviously they didn't publish using their actual name. so there's this big mystery around it and there's a bunch of theories about who the author actually was including the possibility that it's e.s. andrews, aka s.w. erdnase backwards. and in the show, aziraphale says that his copy is signed by erdnase using his real name, and it's one of those things where like. i did lose my mind a little bit when this whole scene happened because it was literally written as a fun little reference for me, or at least people who have the exact same specific crossection of interests that i do so that's fun. HOWEVER i was a little pissed about the whole thing also because the mystery of who erdnase is sooooo central to the experience of the book itself. like the author's concealed identity is not a hidden fact, the author literally tells you he's lying to you, and it's so everything to me. and it has me thinking about the Real Book which is this collection of jazz sheet music that was compiled by a couple of students when they were in school and then illegally distributed for years among jazz musicians that it became a fundamental tool of jazz musicians all over the US. like to the point where if you were studying jazz in college or whatever you were instructed to go find some guy selling photocopies of the Real Book because you would need it for lessons. and the two students who compiled it remain anonymous to this day and it's very intentional. a reporter managed to get in touch with one of them a few years ago through encrypted emails and shit like that and the guy literally said that he would never reveal his identity because that's part of the Real Book's allure. like the mystery itself is part of the fun. and the expert at the card table is very much like that for me. the mystery is so much a part of the book that the idea of that mystery ever actually being solved is so unappealing. you gotta understand that when this book was first published, it fucking blew up the gambling world. nobody had ever published something so bold as instructions for literal actual card cheating techniques before. it's so iconic in the exact same way that the Real Book is, in their audacity and innovation. and in their mystery!! that's part of the fun

#wings.txt #iotdbf blogging #sorry this post is so. ughdndkfn i'm trying to stop myself from posting my crackpot s3 theory #also also you cant really use the expert at the card table to learn how to cheat anymore #for a lot of different reasons but like those techniques just aren't as effective for modern play #which is entirely erdnase's fault for publishing the damn thing #same with when thorp published beat the dealer in the 60s #when you teach people how to cheat people will now also know how to try to combat those techniques :/#the real book is similarily both a negative and positive tool for reasons that i'm not musically inclined enough to explain properly #but yeah the parallels between these two books is very interesting to me #this isn't really even about good omens so i didnt bother to tag it #it's about the inherent appeal of the unknown!!!

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theoriginalsapphic · 2 years

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Why i believe that byler is endgame (based only on what we have seen on the show). part 5

And by that, I mean: no color-coding analysis, no set props analysis, no actor interviews interpretation, no script analysis, no movies parallels analysis; nada. Only what we’ve seen on the show and nothing else.

This will use a lot of comparisons with m/leven because, despite the fact that some of you refuse to admit it, this is a love triangle.

Where do they end up at the end of season 4 and what does this mean for season 5?

So, a lot of things change during the season when it comes to these two relationships.

In the second episode of the season, Mike arrives to California. Although his encounter with El is sweet, his encounter with Will is awkward. However, during the season, we see Mike and El grow apart from each other, while Mike and Will tentatively try to fix their friendship and grow closer than they were at the beggining of the season, which is illustrated by the ending.

To talk further about it, it's necessary to discuss how these three characters feel in their relationships and the characters on their own.

how mike makes el feels

how mike makes will feel

how mike feels in his relationship with el

how mike feels in his relationship with will

El and Will and how their fathers shaped them

The show has drawn many parallels between El and Will, one of their biggest one being how they were both abused by a father from a young age, and how that has shaped their view of the world as well as their self-worth.

From what we’ve seen from El’s relationship with Brenner, he took her away from her mother, who loved her unconditionally since before meeting her, he has manipulated, made her a target against the other older children at the lab, he forced her into things she didn’t want to do (i.e: kill a cat, get her into a sensory deprivation tank to search in the upside down), he manipulated and used her over and over again.

On the other hand, we have Will’s relationship with his dad, which, even though we didn’t get to see much in the show (they haven’t even interacted!), we know he used to call him homophobic slurs from a young age and that he abandoned his family. There are also chilling pieces of dialogue (“he is good at hiding”, “he was never good at taking care of himself”) and character actions (Jonathan searching for Will in a car’s trunk) that it implies that it was very abusive situation.

However, abuse doesn’t present itself the same way, and it definitely doesn’t affect a person the same way, even when the abuser is the same person. I could write a whole mini-essay of how Jonathan and Will have the same abuser but the damage inflicted on them is very different.

To put it simply, Brenner and Lonnie messed them up in different ways.

In episode 3 of season 4, el is suffering greatly. She has lost Hopper, the first permanent parental-figure to treat like a child and not a means-to-an-end, and she has lost her powers, which has been the core of her identity her entire life, meaning she has lost her self. All the pain that she has been carrying for so long finally comes out in an explosive argument with Mike in which she reveals she feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere, that she is too different, that everyone thinks she is a monster. At her lowest point, she accepts to go to the NINA project to recover her powers, and learns more about herself and Brenner and their relationship that she had ever done before. It all culminates when El decides to leave Nevada to go to Hawkins to save her friends. When Brenner tries to stop her, she finally comes to terms with the abuse he has inflicted on her and all the other children at the laboratory, and concludes that he is the monster—not her.

El has built her worth around her powers and how much she can do with them to help others, so when she lost them, from her point of view, she was left with only the monstrous side of her. Brenner’s ambivalent love towards her based on how useful she could be to her, as well as her forced isolation of the world, made her to believe that she can never belong anywhere, that there is no place out there in the world for her outside of being a superhero. To have her say to her abuser’s face how he is the monster was probably one of my favorite moments from her, as well as an extremely cathartic one. By the end of season 4, El has finally realized her full complexity and that she is neither a monster nor a superhero. She is just a human being that was born with supernatural abilities, and is now choosing to use them for good, but ultimately, she wants to be defined beyond her powers, and she wants to be defined for who she is.

On the other hand, we have Will, who, similarly to El, has built his worth around being there for others. However, whereas as El’s is rooted on having powers and being a superhero, Will’s is based on his fear that he may be unlovable, and if he does or say the wrong thing, if he is not what people expect from him, they will leave him eventually. If his own father, one of the two people in the world that was meant to love him and want him unconditionally, could hate him, could abandon him… who’s to say that no one else will?

I don’t think is a coincidence that Will is the one that tries to keep the party together at any chance he gets (i.e: trying to keep the peace when Mike and Lucas begin fighting about who was supposed to be Vecna, how he calls out Mike for not knowing where Dustin is), and i don’t think is a coincidence either that he forgives so easily when others hurt him (because he is scared that if he loses the friends he currently has he will never have friends again), and it’s definitely not a coincidence that he tends to hide his problems even when it could put him in danger (because he doesn’t want to be seen as a burden).

A lot of people (myself included) criticized how Will indirectly confessing his feelings to Mike was used to develop a straight relationship. However, and in spite of the initial heartbreak of that scene, there was a silver lining: Jonathan listened. Jonathan, who became a pseudo-father to his own brother, probably even before their own dad left. Jonathan, who was shown throughout the series to talk to Will and try to make him feel better for being different, for liking things that other people dislike, for being a freak. Jonathan, that as soon as he had a moment to be alone with his brother, reassured him that he will always be there for him, and that he will always love him no matter what. And that, in my opinion, is what needs to happen with Will by the end of season 5: he needs to understand that he has a lot of people that will always love him and want him in his life no matter what.

Mike’s character

I honestly don’t like how some stranger things fans treat Mike as a character, or even some m/leven and byler shippers treat him, like he is seen as just something that can make El or Will happy without stopping to consider Mike as a character with his own needs and wants. (I’m not saying everyone does that because that’s generalizing and I don't like doing that, but I’ve seen quite a bit).

During the van scene, Mike opens up about his insecurities, about how he feels he is the random nerd to superhero El, how he is the lamer version of Louis Lane to El’s Superman. Usually, I wouldn’t mind a nice gender reversal of the hero/damsel in distress trope. However, in this case, it goes against what Mike wants to be: needed and special, the hero of the story.

Mike thrives on being needed, on protecting and taking care of others. In season 1, he searches for Will while he protects and hides El from the lab. In season 2, he protects and takes care of Will while he calls El in his walkie-talkie on the off-chance that she might still be out there.

It’s no coincidence that the majority of the general audience’s opinion on Mike starts to lose its positivity around season 3 and season 4, and that is because… he doesn’t feel needed anymore. At the beggining of season 3, El breaks up with Mike and spends her time establishing a relationship with Max, going shopping and trying new fashion style, reading new comics. A lot of viewers, as well as some characters in the show like Max and Nancy, call Mike controlling and tell him that El can make her own decisions, which I agree with. However, the point of this is not that Mike is some controlling boyfriend; the point is, he doesn’t know what to do when people don’t need him. In season 4, Will admits (indirectly) during his monologue that he was pushing Mike away. Although Will was trying to put some distance between them because of his feelings towards Mike, from Mike’s point of view, him and his best friend parted in somewhat good terms and then Will didn’t bother trying to keep in contact with him without giving a reason why.

The point is, Mike fears becoming unneeded to the people he loves, because in his head, being unneeded means being unwanted, means being unloved. That is the reason why, during the van scene, after sharing how insecure he feels about in his relationship, his whole face lights up when Will says that El [Will] will always need him.

He has spent too much time basing his self-worth on being what other people needed, which is why in season 5 he needs to relearn how to value himself. He can still be special, he can still be a hero (I personally believe in season 5 he will have a significant role in defeating Vecna), but first, he needs to understand that he can be loved and wanted without being needed.

end of season 4, volume 2

By the end of the season, Will confessed his feelings for Mike masking them as El's feelings and he has resigned himself to the fact that his love will never be reciprocated, and Mike gave El a love monologue.

And yet, this is how Mike/El and Mike/Will are by the end of the season.

In case it wasn't obvious enough

#byler #will byers #mike wheeler #el hopper #willel #jane hopper #this turned into an unintentional jonathan's appreciation post #the way that mike goes back and forth between will and el like a headless chicken it's kind of funny but also really #i don't think i should need to do this but just in case; i'm not bashing any of these characters #you may disagree with my opinion of them but i love these characters #it's not mike's fault he feels he cannot be himself around el #and it's not el's fault that she feels like she cannot be honest and rely on her boyfriend #sometimes people just aren't romantically compatible and that's okay #the last time i supported a queer crackship so much korrasami became canon #i can't believe that their core mike will and el share the same insecurity of not being good enough #and basing their worth on how much they can help others before helping themselves #albeit in different ways and due to different things

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izzy-b-hands · 3 months

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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'

#text post #idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do #literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone #and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral #was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao #whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight #plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too #prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night #i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see #i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too #I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not #this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset #i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can #this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve #or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with #im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao

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faarkas · 2 years

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this wonderful template is by @/arcandoria :)

ramon - verde's first real relationship and love, they met at her gym while she was training and after being iced out for weeks, she agreed to hang out with him and things blossomed from there. he was good to her, a welcome distraction from the grief of losing her mother, and they only broke up after their relationship soured when she started to get involved with Militech and he slid deeper into unsavory Valentino activities.

landon - a fairly brief relationship built on ambition and manipulation, landon saw how much she enjoyed his accent and sense of humor and exploited it for as long as he could. they clashed over many things but there was a chemistry they had a difficult time ignoring. it ended when verde finally realized he was only using her for her connections and didn't actually love her.

goro - a relationship that started the night he plucked her from the landfill, they realized after some initial clashing that they share a lot of the same ideals and quirks. they quickly became close, only pulled apart when it finally came time to take care of the biochip. they reunited a little over a year later and have rarely been seen without the other since.

#SORRY I WASN'T EVEN GONNA POST THESE LOL ANYWAY. ur rare public verde lore for the year #i love her : ) also I KNOW she's had a couple girlfriends but I need to workshop them. shes not afraid to commit and be domestic is the #thing and she hasn't been alive THAT long -____-#*does a slide up for pana/m for when gor/o dies* I have a lot of thoughts on that. if they don't die together ....i think theres potential #I mean I DID violently oscillate between assigning goro or pan/am to her while i was playing so....#ANYWAY. I love verde goro bc they're both like mercs but also domestic as all hell. real homebodies when they aren't kicking ass. love that #for her its all she's really needed 🥺#ocstuff #oc: verde #oc: landon #long post #looking at fucking. young landon makes me NAUSEOUS TRULY. grab ur tomatoes besties we're throwing #UGH I NEED TO WRITE OR CREATE MORE VERDE GORO CONTENT I MISS THE MFERS SO MUCH..... ANYWAY. phil drop the fucking goro backstory google doc #IM NOT PLAYING AROUND I NEED IT I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM I DON'T FEEL LIKE I KNOW ENOUGH I DON'T LIKE MAKING SHIT UP.#Well i do but like. 🥴🥴🥴

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thethingything · 1 year

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I forgot that being on our period fucks us up emotionally and gives me really bad dysphoria. that would maybe explain why we've been struggling so much with triggers that aren't normally a huge issue

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #period mention #the contraceptive we're on used to stop us having a period altogether but then we started having one every few months #which is just long enough between them for me to forget that it completely wrecks our mental health each time #usually for multiple weeks leading up to it and then until it finishes #there's a very consistent pattern but we forget that pattern exists so we don't realise what's going on #it's taken a week of being on our period for me to realise this time. like oh right that's why everything's making me cry #also we get period pains so bad we can't sit up at times and I don't know what to really do about that #and yeah there's also the dysphoria. I don't normally get that much gender dysphoria from the body being afab #like I'll get dysphoric from being misgendered but the body itself isn't as big of an issue. I just wish is actually looked like me #because not looking like myself when I look in the mirror is distressing #but periods do make me really dysphoric for some reason and I don't really know how to deal with that #at least I have an idea of why our brain has been freaking out particularly badly over everything for a few weeks #(I mean the triggers are still bad enough on their own but like. most of them aren't normally anywhere near this bad)

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tacou · 1 year

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damn not to depression blog on my long inactive tumblr but like... yall ever be reminded of the miniscule impact you've had on others bc it’s once again your birthday and the only fellas who have contacted you are like...fb posts on your timeline from extended family haha

#only posts this here because i wanna depression into the wind and have so few active fellas on here so it feels okay lmao #idk it just always kinda hits me especially as i have a lot of people i thought i was close to have birthdays around the same time #so the difference between like... what i get vs these other fellas makes me very upside down face emoji #and esp hearing nothing from them haha #i think as well bc i have a relatively decent sized following on another site where i'm more anonymous tho but i get a lot of support #and getting a lot of support when you aren't 100% your genuine self vs getting like none when you ARE yourself??? oh boy The Implications™#anyways enough vague depressy chats it's my birthday so im gonna drink energy drink and post memes

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navree · 2 years

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i’m repeating myself but i really like how this series has gone to pains to show the audience exactly how awful order 66 was and to make us feel it, because fictional genocide is an extraordinarily tough beast to write but they’re managing it

#personal #obi wan kenobi #i think it was hello future me who said this so i'm paraphrasing but there is a reason why we teach kids about real genocides #through the use of individual stories like the diary of anne frank or night #it is very very hard for the human brain to grasp huge scale numbers #(like that post showing the difference between a million and a billion seconds)#that you have to teach about things like genocide on a smaller scale or the brain just can't comprehend it enough #to give it the care it needs #and it's a lot harder when you're doing a fictional genocide because they aren't real #and we're less invested because at the end of the day the story is fake and no one really died #so something as widespread as 'the targeted genocidal massacre of an entire religious group essentially in one day'#is really difficult to give the gravity and horror and grief it deserves #but this show really is managing it AND they have to fight against self inflicted wounds as well #like george deciding that little jedi are named *younglings* so whenever you talk about the wholesale slaughter of children #you have to power through one of the truly stupidest words ever made

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grison-in-space · 1 year

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in theory I should be prepping for SICB right now and working on my talk but in PRACTICE I am, in order:

-procrastinating by doing some big analyses in the hopes of pulling some kind of conclusion to the story I'm telling in my main current project out of my ass

-watching Matilda bop around the living room and oscillate between harassing Benton for love and/or chomping and looking for Crimes

-trying not to get too sucked into trolling Google Scholar for more information about terrestrial forest crabs

-rubbing Benton's belly as he huddles under my warm blankie and considers engaging the puppy menace

#chatter #may delete later idk #I should probably make another HEY YOU TOO CAN VIRTUALLY WATCH ALL THE SICB TALKS FOR LIKE $40 post to promote SICB+#because fuck do I love that meeting #but right now I'm trying to fight off my insecurity about my current work being less obviously eco/evo oriented than my PhD work #not that those ideas aren't clearly informing my approaches #but well #it's neuroscience #technically if you squint #and I don't yet know how I want to tell the story of my career and where precisely I want to stand as a researcher between disciplines #plus it's my old PhD stomping grounds and I cannot underscore enough how little I feel like dealing with my ex-advisor

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valiant-portabella-pirkko · 13 days

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listening to my Tideturners playlist was a mistake because I am having SO many feelings about the Sidewinder again.

she's not just any AU of Mai Trin; she's a version who's endured the absolute worst case scenario and lives every day in fear of losing everything all over again. but her story flips the entire narrative of Guild Wars 2 on its head; it's all a matter of perspective, and hers comes from an entirely different angle than we're used to.

what is a monster? as they say, to a bird, a cat is a monster.

the Sidewinder's monster is the Commander.

the first Commander she ever met was a tyrant who set the world on fire just to watch it burn. nothing could stop his rampage until there was nothing left to destroy. he made Scarlet Briar's war look like a playground scuffle; in fact, he did it by killing her and seizing her army to do it with. the Sidewinder doesn't have to wonder what a rogue Commander is capable of at their worst. she KNOWS.

and she also knows that if even a single one knew about her outpost, about her, about her people, and decided they were a threat to get rid of, there's absolutely nothing she could do to stop them. the most she could hope to do is be enough of a speed bump that the rest of the Turnabout can escape and make her sacrifice worthwhile.

she's spent decades building up a new world, a new society, and a new identity-- and in a split second a single person could bring it all crashing down. that absolutely terrifies her. it's all so fragile.

a major part of the Sidewinder's personal arc has to do with overcoming that dread to find common ground. because, truth-be-told, much as she'd insist otherwise? she's not so different from the Commander herself. she's fought long and hard to become someone worthy of the trust and respect that so many refugees from so many, many different worlds have placed on her. it's not enough to have it, she wants to DESERVE it. and even if she'd claim she's not there yet, most would agree she's succeeded. she's the beating heart of the Turnabout; none of it would exist without her. she's given all of them the hope that the heroes of their own worlds couldn't.

Mai Trin never wanted to be a leader or a hero or a politician. but as the Sidewinder, she's become all three out of necessity. she had no other choice. no one else was left alive to do it in her place.

so she puts on her mask, and she steps onto the stage, and she talks big, but deep down she knows that if the worst case scenario came back, there was nothing she could do to protect them, not on her own. the only thing that might stand a chance is another Commander, and is she really prepared to take a risk like that? is she willing to put it all on the line to fight for a future without fear?

and even if they are the right choice, even if they do agree to help in spite of it all... can she put one of the last good people at risk, knowing just what horrors they'd be up against? facing someone who's killed others like them a hundred times over, allowing them no rest even in death as their shambling corpses are conscripted into his undead army? how can she, in good conscience, expect anyone to face something so horrific with stakes as high as THAT? which is worse; that they turn against her, or that they trust her and die, adding another force of nature to their enemies' ranks? the Sidewinder doesn't know the answer to that question, if there is one.

there's so much weight on every choice she must make, and the consequences of every wrong move are unfathomable. she might not be the Commander, but that, at least, is one thing they have in common. the decisions they make will decide who lives and who dies.

all the Sidewinder can hope is that when she finally does make that leap of faith, she'll be ready to handle whatever results lay in store.

#my posts #the Sidewinder #Tideturners AU #i won't put this in the main tags because it's just me rambling incoherently and having Emotions but i just needed to Yell #honestly the most fascinating thing for me would be seeing what happens when she has the opportunity to meet other Commanders #specifically: ones that aren't crazed megalomaniacs like hers was! Ruju is SUCH a piece of work i need to talk about him someday #tbh if/when i actually put together a Tideturners RP group the first event would be a Commander gathering where she's trying to reach out #because she needs to! she KNOWS she needs to! but god there are SO many reasons that she doesn't. this woman has SO much trauma #any interaction between her and a Commander is bound to be interesting though regardless of whether they recognize her #because in both scenarios you'll get ENTIRELY different results... for better and for worse because Hoo Boy #if they don't: she'll just try to play it cool but she's so freaking nervous and is trying so hard to make a good impression #but she's still Mai Freaking Trin which means she's going to be a bit on the snarky side and definitely rough around the edges #and if they DO recognize her? how to give the Sidewinder a heart attack in one easy step. she'd freeze up IMMEDIATELY #like funnily enough she'd literally respond better to an AU Scarlet recognizing her because she Knows Scarlet #Commanders meanwhile are wildcards that can also be insanely destructive and dangerous and weren't always on great terms with Mai #and like. she knows that! she knows full well what her Reputation is elsewhere even if she left her version of the Alliance early #so while she didn't participate in like Any of that (Scarlet was already dead EARLY) she knows they won't know that #like. man. she's just fascinating to think about in terms of how she fits into everything because of what a mess she is #sidenote probably the saddest thing would be if she met a Commander who was a version of one she'd seen before #specifically: one that died holding off Ruju to let their timeline escape from him. that'd earn her trust immediately #though she'd feel SO bad about it and be very weirdly resistant to them facing Ruju directly (she already let them die once...)#I'm just. augh. all the thoughts tonight. explodes

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