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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

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00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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chickenfetus · 7 years

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HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)

who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly

azalea: what’s one word that describes you?

lame lmao

baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?

honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops

begonia: are you a messy or clean person?

i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy

bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?

hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so

bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?

i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now

buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?

what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house

my favorite people (u know who + my friends)

when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam

this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting

finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste

im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say

calla: what’s your favorite book?

ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them

challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)

see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)

a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?)

carnation: what are your five most played songs?

i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group

again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)

letting go - day6

all in/stuck - monsta x

death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance

check yes juliet - we the kings

chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?

i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things

daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?

capricorn

dahlia: what’s your favorite band?

this question was made for me its day6

daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?

ive never watched friends

dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?

in between!!!!!

geranium: how has your day been?

its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags

hydrangea: what’s your dream job?

pass

iris: who’s your celebrity crush?

pass

lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?

oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH

lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?

i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago

marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late

morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?

now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm

orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?

i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm

pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?

i dont really believe in romantic love anymore

peony: what does your url mean?

chicken fetus means an egg

periwinkle: what are you thankful for?

god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...

so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy

petunia: where were you ten years ago?

10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses

poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?

dead thanks

poppy: what’s your online persona?

i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg??????

rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?

all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed

snapdragon: what are your goals?

pass

sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?

i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now

tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

for all of my favourite people to be happy forever

a good future

i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks

violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion

zinnia: do you believe in magic?

no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists

JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u

to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!

#vampbin #asks

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crispyninjadonut · 7 years

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Keeper Group Chat Chapter 1

A/n here it is guys!!!! The first chapter of my kotlc group chat fic idea. Yes it is human! au and honestly I have no idea what that entails so I kinda made it up. If you have any ideas for that please tell me. Also couldn't resist putting that little bit of detz there at the end haha sorrynotsorry.

Also I think @dhdrawings wanted to be tagged in this so here! and lastly

Under the cut as always for the people that don't want to read it (but I mean why wouldn't you want to)

Dex: testing testing 123 Sophie: No Dex nooooooooo Dex: its working!!!!! Linh: Dex what did you do Dex: welllll Keefe: I helped! Tam: of course he did Biana: guys let Dex speak Dex: thANK YOU since everyone has a phone now why not make a group chat Fitz: why Keefe: for fun! Fitz: -_- Biana: i think itll be fun Keefe: see!!!! Sophie: if you say so Tam: it sounds…. interesting Keefe: gasp Keefe: is bangs boy agreeing with me Linh: um Keefe: I think he is Sophie: let’s not get into this now Keefe: aww Biana: anyway did any of you guys have history today cause Im very confused Sophie: I did Biana: did you learn something about the French Revolution Sophie: nope Fitz: welp Keefe: XD Biana: i guess ill have to suffer on my own then Dex: good luck Linh: you can do it! Biana: thanks guys I’m gonna go work on that now Tam: bye! Fitz: now what Dex: I dunno Tam: but you made this! Dex: doesn’t mean I know everything Tam: ugh Sophie: same Keefe: you guys are so weird Dex: hey! Fitz: he’s right Tam: gotta go, linh needs me for something Dex: Ok bye!!!! Sophie: everyones leaving I should do my math homework Keefe: see ya foster! Fitz: biana probably needs help with history Dex: everybodys just leaving now? Keefe: I guess it’s just us Keefe:…. I’m gonna spam everyone Dex: Keefe no! Keefe: Keefe yes! Dex: I will not be a part of this I’m going Keefe: welp Keefe: time to spam Keefe: mwahahahaha Keefe: I am evil Keefe: hmmmmm Keefe: should I do it Keefe: hmmmmm Keefe: hm hm hm Keefe: ehhhh Keefe: maybe not Keefe: another time Keefe: I guess I’ll go then Keefe: time to plan some pranks Keefe: bye!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Biana: UGH im so boooorrrred Sophie: I know right Biana: wanna come over and play some manhunt Sophie: but i gotta study Biana: uuuugggghhhhh Sophie: hahaha sorry Keefe: I’m up for manhunt Biana: of course you are Sophie: even though you always LOSE Keefe: hey! I do not Biana: XD Sophie: if you say so Fitz: hey what’d I miss Biana: I’m borrrred Fitz: -_- i know Biana: hmf Keefe: Bet theyre gonna fight foster Sophie: KEEFE Fitz: hey! Biana: what is going on Keefe: avocado Biana: what Fitz: ??? Keefe: autocorrect Keefe: I meant nothing Sophie: ohh well anyway gotta go study Biana: how did nothing become avocado Keefe: don’t question the avocado Fitz: what even is going on Biana: how should I know Dex: hiiiii Keefe: hey Dex Dex: what’s goijg on Fitz: welcome to the insanity Biana: we aren’t insane Fitz: you sure Keefe:… Biana: how do you leave a group chat Dex: you don’t Biana: uggghhh Keefe: hahaha Fitz: your stuck with us forever Biana: im gonna go find some other way to be unbored Keefe: gasp how dare you Biana: I mean that in the nicest way Keefe Keefe: hmf Fitz: cmon let her go Biana: bye!!! Dex: see ya tomorrow biana Keefe: sooooo Fitz: sigh Dex: you guys are gonna be the death of me Keefe: I try Fitz: hey what did I do Dex: everything Keefe: XD Fitz: you sure Keefe:… Fitz: well then Dex: I am the sass master Keefe: how dare you take my title from me Fitz: ??? I thought you were the prank master? Keefe: same thing Tam: why was I put into this stupid thing Dex: hey tam! Tam: hi dex Fitz: how’s it goin Tam: linh wants a dog Fitz: WHAT Keefe: wow Tam: yep Dex: I don’t blame her Keefe: XD Tam: well then Dex: I mean who wouldnt want a dog Fitz: true Keefe: didn’t sophie have a dog in America Tam: she did? Keefe: I feel like she mentioned it Dex: cool Fitz: I know she had a cat Tam: ooooh Keefe: of course your a cat person Dex: XD Tam: so what if I am Dex: ooooooooOOOOOHHHH Fitz: bwa bwa bwa bwa Keefe: the heck is that Dex: what even? Fitz: it’s the trumpet noise Tam: um Dex: you are such a dork Keefe: he really is Fitz: hEY Tam: it’s true dude Fitz: -_- Dex: HAHAHAHA Linh: what is going on Tam: hey sis Keefe: wassup Dex: the SKYYY Fitz: he wasn’t asking you Dex: shhh Linh: why Tam: I hate you all Tam: except you linh Linh: oh good Dex: sigh Keefe: already knew that Fitz: well Tam: oh hey look gotta go make dinner bye Keefe: -_- Keefe: cause THATS why your leaving Fitz: lay off it keefe Keefe: finnnne Linh: thank you Dex: sooo Keefe: man why do we not have lives Fitz: HEY Keefe: i mean its friday night and were doing absolutely nothing Linh: i just needed a break from my homework Dex: and im procrastinating that homework Keefe: Fitz? Fitz:…i have no excuse Fitz: hey what about you Keefe Linh: yeah Keefe: what about me? Dex: why are you here then Keefe: becos all my friends are talking on here! Dex: because we have no lives Fitz: ohhhh Linh: it’s a vicious circle Keefe: anyway you guys wanna do domethin Fitz: like what Dex: ehhhh I kinda like sitting in my warm bed Linh: I’m gonna have to go eat dinner soon so Keefe: ugh you guys are so lazy Dex: hahaha sorry not sorry Keefe: hmf Fitz: I’m not lazy! Dex: reallly Fitz: yeah! Keefe: okay yeah tru Dex: hey where did linh go Keefe: I dunno Fitz: I think she went to go eat dinner Dex: ohhhhh Dex: okay Fitz: yeah Keefe: sooo whatcha guys wanna do Dex: honestly I wanna sleep Fitz: same though Dex: man I’m so tired Keefe: I feel you Dex: why do I have to have maths in the morning Dex: I neeeeeed sleeep Biana: hello Im still bored Dex: welcome back Keefe: so what have you been doing Biana: nothing Dex: of course Keefe: XD Dex: the triplets are yellin for me gotta go Biana: bye dex Fitz: bye! Fitz: love you Fitz: no ididnt mean to send that Keefe: um Biana: well well well Dex: (@_@) Fitz: I DIDNT MREN TO SEND THAT Biana: mhm Keefe: is there something you aren’t telling us Fitz: nO Dex: imma just um go Keefe: yeah well see ya around Dex Biana: sooooo Fitz: nope Keefe: I think yes Fitz: if you really must know I was just talking to mum Keefe: ??? Biana: what does that have to do with what were talking about Fitz: I was used to say saying “love you” after sayin bye so that’s why Biana: you buying this keefe Keefe: no way in heck Fitz: it’s true Biana: yeah sure Biana: whatever you say

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darklarru · 7 years

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all of them. just fckin.. all of them. every single question. 1-100. good luck comrade.

fuck u, here it is:

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?

-if theykiss a boy idm.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?

-yeahlmao

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

-shapeshifting

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?

-I fuckinhope so

5. Tell us some funny drunk story.

-oh man,ive only been smashed once, and it was a night full of regrets and a lot ofcheating and gay stuff happened.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?

-u knowwhat. fuck my ex, he was a manipulative cheating cunt and he broke up with meover snapchat.

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?

-bathtuband sleeping pills, im out painlessly.

8. What are your current goals?

-be asuccessful bitch and build myself up.

9. Do you like someone?

-wheneverI think of feelings I take a shot so idk..

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?

-my ex.

11. Do you like your body?

-eh imgetting there

12. Can you keep a diet?

-no lmao

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?

-don’t discriminateagainst sex workers and treat them like actual people.

14. Do you work?

-yep, gota retail job and everything.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, whatwould it be?

-ayesalad, bc anything you cut up and put in a bowl is salad, so pizza salad, fruitsalad, ice cream salad, anything.

16. Would you get a tattoo?

-hellyeah, im actually thinking about getting this floral one on my thigh, gottalike, tell my mum tho.

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?

-theperson I love,,

18. Can you drive?

Ive onlyhad like, one driving test ever.

19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?

-at therink on Friday? Someone said I was beautiful and that my ex didn’t deserve me:)

20. What was the last thing you cried for?

-when I drinkI don’t cry, so ive been drinking a lot.

21. Do you keep a journal?

-yep,serves as my receipts.

22. Is life fun?

-ehhhhitll get there.

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?

-I don’t reallycare, just warn me so I have time to get out of there.

24. What’s your dream car?

-somethingI don’t have to use petrol for.

25. Are grades in school important?

-justnail ur finals and ur good.

26. Describe your crush.

-its tooearly homie

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?

-WONDERWOMAN HOLY SHIT A+

28. What was your last lie?

-im fine

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?

-idk, I normallytell the truth, its such an effort to lie.

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?

-no I doit all the time lmao

31. Something you did and you are proud of?

-Teamedup with my Best Friend and Absolutely Called the shit out of my Ex out andfuckin roasted him.

32. What’s your favourite cocktail?

-I haven’tdelved into cocktails too much yet, ive been drinking straight.

33. Something you are good at?

-iceskating?? idk

34. Do you like small kids?

-I hatekids so much

35. How are you feeling right now?

-There

36. What would you name your daughter/son?

-daughter:Lavender? Idk I just watched matilda and I was like what a pretty name, andboys: Christian?

37. What do you need to be happy?

-abillion dollars

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?

-my ex

39. What was the last gift you received?

-does mycoworker buying everyone hot chocolates and frozen cokes during their shiftcount as a gift

40. What was the last gift you gave?

-a fidgetcube?

41. What was the last concert you went to?

-panic atthe disco in January :D

42. Favourite place to shop at?

-ittotally was this gothic shop in Newtown, but then it moved and I don’t knowwhere it is anymore :/

43. Who inspires you?

-myselfbitch

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?

-18

45. How old were you when you first got high?

-never

46. When was your first kiss?

-when I was15? 16?

47. Something you want to do until the end of this year?

-be amermaid, like fr, go follow mermaid_shelly on Instagram no joke.

48. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?

-dated myex

49. Post a selfie.

-heres alink instead: http://darklarru.tumblr.com/post/161374174865/cat-cafe-aesthetic

50. Who are you most comfortable around?

-my BestFriend

51. Name one thing that terrifies you.

-to loseeverything I worked for

52. What kind of books do you read?

-haventread a book in so long, but I like the fantasy genre

53. What would you tell your 12 year old self?

-girl,girl, u gay as fuck

54. What is your favourite flower?

-roses!!

55. Any bad habits you have?

-speakingquietly

56. What kind of people are you attracted to?

-peoplewho think the same as me

57. What was the last thing you cried for?

-my ex :/

58. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?

-pickles,what r they doin, get outta here

59. Are you in love?

-yeah imalways in love

60. Something you find romantic?

-tealightcandles

61. How long was your longest relationship?

-like 3or 4 months

62. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?

-wereso,, bitchy.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

-they don’tknow what the fuck is up, they don’t listen, they always horny, theyre kindaviolent, theyre more hardcore and aggressive physically.

64. What are you saving money for?

-anothermermaid tail,,, but also a house I guess

65. How would you describe your bad side?

-emotional,angry, violent, temperamental, not thinking,, idk

66. Are you actually a good person? Why?

-sometimesI guess, I try not to be shitty, but some people fuckin deserve it.

67. What are you living for?

-a future

68. Have you ever done anything illegal?

-probably

69. Do you like your body?

-yeahsometimes

70. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?

-notunless we were fighting

71. Ever sent nudes?

-whohasnt

72. Have you ever cheated on someone?

-I cheatedon a guy with girl and I was very drunk, but then we said same sex cheating wasokay

73. Favourite candy?

-redfrogs, gummy bears

74. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

-imbarely on this hell site

75. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?

-adarkroomwas one of my Faves

76. Favourite TV series?

-w.i.t.c.h.what a Classic

77. Are you religious? Does God exist?

-yeah, imchill w god.

78. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?

-I haven’tread a book in so long yall.

79. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?

-kudos tothem who r doin it but I really love chicken.

80. How long have you been on Tumblr?

-sinceyear 9, so like, 2013

81. Do you like Chineese food?

-I am Chinese

82. McDonalds or Subway?

-subwayyyy

83. Vodka or whiskey?

-fuuuuuuck,,,fucking love vodka but it makes my face screw up in a bad expression, and I lovefireball whiskey, but like, vodka gets me fucked up faster.

84. Alcohol or drugs?

-alcohol,don’t do drugs kids

85. Ever been out of your province/state/country?

-ya

86. Meaning behind your blog name?

-I lovetypos

87. What gets you up in the morning?

-spite.

88. What are you scared of?

-a lot ofthings

89. Last time you were insulted?

-wednesday

90. Most traumatic experience ?

-my bf atthe time, was fuckin, chewin his toenails in his mouth, and I forgot bc he wasbein sweet n he stuck his tongue out to touch mine, n I stuck mine out too n I fuckni,,.,,,. touched the toenail w my mouth I nearly threw up, I felt my soul ejectfrom my body for a second.

91. Perfect date idea?

-picnicdaate, and watching the stars and cuddling

92. Favourite app on your phone?

-instagram?I check it the most.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?

-white

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?

-daviddobrik tbh

95. Share your favourite quote.

-ifsomeone tells you that they hurt you, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.

96. What is the meaning of life?

-when thestreets are empty and the moon is shining and nobody is awake and its chilly,but your alone and maybe the wind is blowing through the grass, or whatever.

97. Do you like horror movies?

-fuck nah

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?

-I signedup for Netflix and didn’t tell her.

99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?

-I amspecial

100. Can you keep a secret?

-ya justmake sure u tell me its important.

#asks

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down-inthedumps · 4 years

Text

i feel.. ahha despondent and close to tears haha, i just... im having a really rough night and i tried to draw to take my mind off everything but it wasnt working so i just kinda curled up in by bed for an age and i think in the meantime i messed things up iwth the person.... i just... theyre also not having a great time and its not okay and we just talked today, we just talked and fuck. fuck i forgot to breathe, but theyre not having a good time and i think since i was trying to hold all my emotions back i reacted coldly and that hurt them, after them literally just saying!!!!!! this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 that they need someone to be caring a gentle with them and then i fucking. fuck fuck fuck fukc fuck im going to to cry but i cant even cry!!! properly anymore since my dad is sick with possibley coronavirus so my mum is in the room next to me so i am surrounded by people and really thin walls and i cant cry and i cant breathe and fuck. why am i so stupid???? why do i just hutr people why am i just a piece of shit. and why the fuck!!!!!!! does my stupid brain have to be depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and be like rad whad you are sad!!!!!!!! freohnjgejeiorefjiefeio i slept!! i exercised!!!! i ate fruit!!!!!!! i didnt get my emotions out in a healthy way for a while but i did the other thigns!!! and now. fuck. fuck. i just... i hate what i do to them. i hate what i put them through, i hate being this shitty person over and over again. its like... i can be not depressed. and be a good person. and then i get depresssed again and i always get depressed again and i always turn into this selfish asshole who cant handle anything again. im just.. they put theyselves our there and tried to trust me again and i made them happy this mornign for a little while and now i did this and probably hurt them so much more all over again like. fuck. why the fuck would there ever put up with my bullshit. i just.. i need to get fucking medicatedd because honestly?????? i dont know whether its that i cant cope with anything when im depressed or that i become a bad person when im depressed or i become depressed because im a bad person but either way??? it just fucking hurts the people around me and i hate it so so much. and i cant even go to therapy because of this stupid pandemic and i hate it i hate it i hate it. i think... this is just something i need. even if its just for like idk a month??? until this gets better i just... its going to get worse as long as this goes on and i cant go out, and ive been.. fucking pissy around my family and now with everything with the person... just.. haha i keep on thinking about hurting myself. and i dont. but haha that was a major reason i was drinking on monday just yknow pick one bad coping mechanism and i didnt want any more scars and.. fuck i have some things from when i used to do it lying around and i keep on just taking them out and staring at them and... i dont want to go back there agiain. i dont want to do that shit again. but im.. so fucking close to snapping because i want it too and i deserve it and also!!! im scared im just turning the stuff with the person into one big guilt spiral for myself because thats not ok, its their emotions that matter in this, theyre the one whose hurting more than me in this im just.. worse at coping right now haha uhm. fuck im just gonna cry and cuddle one of their jumpers because i feel ... i just need them right now haha oof haha it uhm.. it felt a lot like crying into their neck which was really really nice..... oof okay. i need... to think about going on medication now. not right now, right now i need to sleep. i think.. i might try talk to the person about it since theyre my best resource for it. but just... i need to think about whether this is just a temprotary thing and i leave it go or uhm if its a long term thing and if i let it continue i just let myself get a lot worse. ill uhm. ill talk about it with them in the morning,theyre asleep now, fuck they also have work uhmmmmm... shit, they never told me when they have work.... bluh ill just.. message them and hope for the best. i think.. no matter what i decide i should wait another week before phoning the doctor, i can survive a week and uhhmm and itll give me time to think how to break it to my parents and also to figure out if this is just temporary

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