#this honestly started off as a one paragraph thing that i wasn't planning on posting

[tiredmamaissy]

hey, i want to get into writing but like idk how 😭 like how would i even start it off, how to finish, how to write smut? yk but i wanted to ask u bcs ur so good at it, so maybe u could help😋😋, perfectly okay if u don’t 😭

Hey! Thank you so much :').

I'm flattered that you're even asking me this question.

I honestly have no specific way of writing! (not that I'm aware of at least). I kind of feel like my writing is forever changing. When I wrote 'neteyam's first rut' (first post) I had the idea in my head for like days. One night I was like 'I literally can't keep this in my head any longer'. So I wrote it out, in no specific way/style of writing and did a quick proofread and decided:

"hey, why not post this shit? lol people probably won't even see it. and then i won't have this filthy smut in my hard drive for people to find when i'm dead (not even joking, this was literally what was going through my head.)"

But since I feel like my writing has changed a bit, hopefully not too drastically or out of character. Of course I've also gotten a little more comfortable on this site, too. :)

My experience with writing goes back to high school and university. I majored in a 'soft science', as they like to call it. Did tons and tons of research papers (way too fucking many to give it a number). So all I can really say about that is the more you write the easier it becomes - kind of like a muscle memory? Eventually it just flows out of you. Also reading. Reading helps ya know, the more you read the more you're exposed to other styles of writing, vocabulary, the whole shabang. Like @lovemyavatar, I love her style of writing, literally obsessed (and she knows it, hehe.)

I'd say write when you're motivated, inspired - driven. Or else it'll kind of dull the sparkle and take the fun out of it (wasn't fun writing any of those papers). So when an idea pops up, just go for it. Don't even think about grammar, vocabulary, etc. Just get that shit out of your system. You can always go back, fix any errors, and change things up - switch out a word with another, rephrase a sentence (or a paragraph or two), change up the plot - whatever you see fit. If I'm mid-washing the dishes and I get an idea I'll stop and make a quick voice note or a note in my phone.

As for starting and finishing, hmm. These are good questions, because I kind of feel like there's no standard or set way to start or finish literature. It all depends on what you're writing about and what your intentions are with it. What are you trying to portray? How do you want the reader to feel? What tense do you want to write in/most appropriate? What's your plot, if any? Where does it take place? What tone of voice do you want to use? How do you plan to differentiate the characters? I like to imagine the character's voice in my head actually saying the phase, or ask myself if Neteyam/Lo'ak would really say this.

For example I did a double POV for the first time, and when researching about it the article said "...you should be able to flip to a random page, read a couple sentences, and know which character is speaking." Which is so true. So I tried to keep that in mind, and focus on the characters development and make their voices more distinct.

I read a Lo'ak one-shot on here and a lot of people (including me) wanted a part two - I'm assuming so we could get some sort of closure/feel better/happy ending. But, the authors intention was to portray him in a dark light - to hurt the reader so to speak. So well-written and I really love their other work, too.

As for smut 👀. I'm honestly still new to this so I'm learning as I go. I love to consume smut so that has definitely helped - seeing other people and what terms and vocabulary they use. Overall, I just try to be very descriptive, so that the reader can really immerse themselves into the scene and feel what their character is supposed to be feeling. I try not to go overboard with the words though, because that can take away from it at times. For example, I wrote about a fight scene with Neteyam and Auzo (in 'with my life') and I kept it short and simple - "He throws a punch to his jaw, knocking him off his feet." type of shit.

I also do some research (lool thought I was done with the research life). My google searches are riddled with "synonym for..." "how to describe [this action] in writing". No shame in doing your research. There are a few blogs on this site that actually help out in regards to basic knowledge of coitus, cunnilingus, fellatio etc. as well as other sites, too! They list descriptive words, alternatives to 'she said' (lool i eat those up), other do's and don'ts.

And of course, I do some research about the na'vi. I try to make it somewhat realistic, especially with the fic I posted 'with my life' (longest one to date). I did some deep digging on their website about the 'first blood' ritual, and just other simple information about the flora and fauna of the planet.

This is my favourite source of information for smut.

Out of all the sources I've read, this is the best one so far. If I'm ever in a stump, or I feel like I need a better fitting word - I'll refer to this. This author also includes some really good points about sex, down to first times, anal - the whole works.

This is my favourite source of information for avatar.

I hope this helped somewhat and that I was able to answer your question! If you do get into writing, and you do decide to post it, I'd love to read it.

Sorry this is kind of lengthy, I have an issue with overwriting, and overall just talking too much. lmao

~ issy 💜

[paramorearchived]

June 27, 2007

Transcript:

redemption. it's a long story.

re-demp-tion |riˈdemp sh ən| noun 1. the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil : God's plans for the redemption of his world.

there is something that has been on my mind for a while, now, pertaining the song, "Misery Business". i haven't really known what to say about it or how to say it... but honestly, after talking to the guys about it, we feel like what's important is that we try. (whether it sounds "cool" or not). it might get a little personal but here goes nothing.

(in a week or so, i'm going to take this next paragraph down... so read up while you can, if you like details).

"Misery Business", like we've explained before in interviews - and even in past LJ posts - is a true story. the song was written at a time in my life that i felt very bitter towards a girl, who i still haven't forgiven, for a lot of things that she did a few years ago. until this person came into mine and my friend's lives, i had no idea what power someone could have over another. i watched her use sex to manipulate one of my friends, in particular, to the point that none of us - in our little circle of friends - recognized him. he went from being someone so innocent and joyful to becoming someone who was shut off from everything. needless to say, it hurt. not only because he was a close friend but because i felt that i was in love with him. (i know, you can't be in love when you're this young.. right? whatever). either way... the pain that i felt, i decided to hold inside. i thought that if people knew how hurt, angry and bitter i'd become, they'd think i was a bad - or worse, a weak - person because of it. (now, to keep this from getting any longer or any more personal, i'll finish this part of the story by saying... he eventually decided that the relationship had nothing to do with love and after that discovered that our friendship was becoming something different. we sorta fought it for a while because we figured it wasn't smart to start dating so young, especially after what all had happened, but fighting it just made it harder and the next thing i knew, we were an item. (no one uses that term anymore, really...)

i can remember exactly where i was and what everything looked like around me when i was writing the lyrics. i forced myself to relive some of the very vivid memories that i have of the times he dated her. i don't think anyone can understand how awkwardly dark those times were at such a young age. but i do. to finally explain my side of the story and feel freed of it all... well, i was so angry and so happy at the same time. every word i wrote was like a thousand weights lifted off my shoulders. no more burden. what i didn't realize, as i wrote some of those lines, was that while i was escaping one burden, i was also giving myself another.

"but god does it feel so good... to steal it all away from you now. and if you could then you know you would. cause god it just feels so... it just feels so good."

i'm ashamed to say that, although i'm a believer in Jesus Christ and i claim him as my God, when i wrote those lyrics i wasn't addressing him. i was using his name casually. in vain, to be blunt. if you know much about the Christian religion (which i'm not too fond of addressing my faith as), you'll probably know that one of the ten commandments is "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain"... it goes on to say, "...for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." As a believer in Christ, that last part scares the hell out of me. i don't want to be held accountable for being the cause of so many people using his name in vain. you don't have to believe in what i believe and no one in Paramore is ever going to go around forcing our faith into people's lives... but believer or not, i might have led some of ya'll to believe that i take my saviour lightly. and i don't.

God brought me through everything that i say in "Misery Business". i believe that i am a stronger person because those things happened in my life. through that situation, i learned so much. when i sing that song now, i'm not the same person i was when i wrote it. when i sing those lines that i used to sing in vain, i mean them in a different way. i don't want to opportunity to be held responsible for causing a lot of people to use my God's name in vain. so, whether or you not you believe in Christ. whether or not you care if it means something when you say God. just know that as for me, when I am singing those lines, i'm telling God that it feels good to stand up for myself and be victorious after long months of confusion and pain. i don't hurt the same way anymore.

sorry this was so long winded. i know we don't usually speak out about our faith. mostly, because our faith is personal to us. but i really felt like i needed to say something, before it was too late. thanks for reading. the guys aren't responsible for whatever mess this post could possibly get us into, hayley

#paramore #hayley williams #riot #livejournal #2007 #misery business

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I am a new reader of your blog, and that is something I want to know (but it's totally okay if you want to ignore this ask!) why you stopped liking [with you]? Is there something in particular that bothered you about this fic?

That... is a question with a loaded answer.

The quick answer is:

I put way too much pressure on myself with [with you] that caused terrible burnout and I couldn't do any creative writing for a long time after; a small portion of my readers were pretty hostile about slow updates; there were criticisms about the story that I had a hard time with; and there are a lot of story beats and writing decisions I made with it that I'm very critical of. All of those things combined, I now have a lot of negative feelings associated with [with you].

The not-so-quick answer involves a lot of self-criticism about my prose, poor choices, the criticisms by my readers, and some behind the scenes stuff. I'll put all that under a "keep reading" for anyone interested in more detail.

When I started [with you], it wasn't meant to be a 50k+ story, it was just going to be a simpler story told in a couple parts... that I then kept expanding. I'm pretty sure every note I have on the original version posted on here starts with, "hey y'all, this story is this many parts now whoops haha"

I had very little planned out, I was just discovery writing my way through everything. I wrote a chapter, read through it a couple times, said, "yeah that's good enough," then posted. Y'know, like what a lot of people who write fics do. "no beta, we die like Ben falling down the bell tower" and all that.

I had ideas of where I wanted to go, but I didn't start an outline until I was well into the story. It was bloated. I felt like I needed to add every single idea I had, and needed to expand on every character, even if it didn't do anything to advance or enhance the story... and that became overwhelming for me to keep track of since I wanted it to all tie together in the end and please my readers.

When I read through it now, there is so much that can be cut that no one would miss. It would flow better and be easier to read.

My prose [the actual writing style] is all over the place and reads like a first draft, especially in earlier chapters. Spelling errors, run-on sentences, whole paragraphs that I should've cut. While I feel better about my dialogue, there are some conversations that read as awkward.

Honestly, the best part of the entire fic is Clementine and Louis' story, which... yeah. I'm pretty happy with the way I portrayed their dynamic, dialogue, and romance. I just wish I hadn't bogged it all down with everything else, like... that's all it needed to be, it just needed to be about clouis.

Oh, and I still like the dream sequence. That's probably one of the better chapters, if not the best chapter.

Now, when I say I made bad choices with this story, one of those choices I'm referring to is my "big rewrite." This was incredibly stupid. Past CJ thought it was a good idea but she's a dumb ass. You can't listen to anything she says.

Basically, I got the brilliant idea that I would take [with you] down and rewrite the whole thing before I wrote the final chapters. I wasn't satisfied with how it was written. I felt I could do so much better. I was going to trim unnecessary fat, expand on important details, make some heavy changes, improve everything, and then repost it with the ending.... so I deleted it off AO3 and got to work.

Terrible idea. Don't ask me why. What I should've done was discontinued that version, made a note that it was old, and then published the new version separately. But I didn't. And a lot of people were pissed at me. Shocking.

I should've just finished it. I should've finished it, posted it, and then went from there. But I didn't. Ever since then I've gotten a lot of readers who would go on anon and send me messages about [with you] that are passive aggressive or guilt trippy. That soured my feelings about the story and myself as a writer tremendously.

Then there's Violet.

I wrote the first few chapters before Ep4 of TFS was released, meaning I wrote Violet before we found out that she's blinded in the explosion in her kidnapped route. I took the "Violet despises you" route, and a big plot point of the story is Violet dealing with all these conflicting feelings about Clementine, hating her but also not, distancing herself from the group, the strain it put on her and Louis' friendship, etc.

I don't like how I portrayed Violet for a number of reasons. I know what I was trying to do, and I knew I couldn't [or wouldn't] scrap everything I already wrote about her and rewrite in a blind Violet on friendly terms with Clementine... because sure, I wanted to do this grand rewrite that sounded easy enough on paper, but in practice that was so much work that intimidated me.

Because behind the scenes fun- for the rewrite, I wanted to do that. That was a major change that would've cut so much from the story I wasn't happy with, and would've been a more positive portrayal of the character. But then I saw just how much would be cut and how much I'd have to write and it scared me off from the idea... so I tried to work with what I had and I still hate it.

Violet's very antagonistic in the story. She attacked Clementine after the boat explosion. Everyone thinks she'll attack her again. Mitch calls her a traitorous bitch and doesn't trust her to not stab Clementine in a conversation. There's even a point where it's mentioned that in the past she slapped Louis during a conversation. She just has a pissy attitude throughout the story but then berates herself for it and I just... I was going for a slow burn recovery that explores her trauma and ends with her reconciling with Clementine... but it doesn't come off that way? Some parts I think I executed better than others but most of it I look back at and say, "...No, past CJ, that doesn't read like you think it does...."

But that wasn't my only criticism I got about the way I wrote Violet, and this one is... a little complicated? And something most probably wouldn't take issue with or even notice unless you're a major Violet stan... but I pretty much gave Mitch [a character I loved at the time] a lot of Violet's canon character points and explored them more positively, then turned around and made Violet more antagonistic, which......yeeeeeah.

The only defense I have for this is it wasn't intentional. It really wasn't, but I understand and think it's a valid complaint. Like... I used to get these anons who would tell me this and I'd quietly delete them because, "...nope, not touching that. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist."

Lemme explain: In my fics, Mitch is gay. He had feelings for his best friend and roommate, Justin, before he died to walkers, and Mitch hasn't trusted "gross feelings" ever since... until James shows up and Mitch has to face the fact that he has romantic feelings for him while not being completely over Justin...

...y'know, totally different from Violet who is gay, had feelings for Minerva before she "died," and hasn't trusted mushy feelings ever since... until Clementine shows up and Violet has to face the fact that she has romantic feelings for her while not being completely over Minerva....

It's surface level stuff since they are written differently, and it's not like you're not allowed to have more than one character with character beats like that, but it's enough of a similarity that I get why it would rub Violet lovers the wrong way. Especially since nothing about that is canon with Mitch's character, y'know? It's the character I gave him.

I don't think it was coming from the Violet crowd [the aggressively obnoxious fans no one likes], I think it came from people who were genuinely bummed or put off by my more antagonistic portrayal of her, only to see similar traits portrayed positively with Mitch.

And that bothers me. I do like the way I wrote Mitch, but I hate the way I wrote Violet. It's made me step back and analyze why I wrote them the way I did, y'know?

But the BIGGEST criticism from readers I've gotten?

[with you] is unfinished.... valid, but there isn't anything I can add that. Sorry y'all, it's discontinued, I'm never going to finish it.

The best I can give you is what I planned: a big wedding scene where Clementine and Louis exchanged vows and kissed. Violet showed up and made amends with Clementine. Clementine talked Mitch into dancing with her even though he hates dancing. Aasim tried to ask Ruby to dance, panicked, and asked Mitch instead who was like "...Fuck no, RUBY COME DANCE WITH AASIM!" Louis and Clementine left early to head back to their room and it probably would've ended with some sappy line about being together to the end.

So... there ya go? It's not a final chapter but that's the gist of what would've happened.

But moving on, I was also going through a lot of things in my personal life that I won't get into. I was working on other writing projects that I had more interest in, so [with you] was put on the backburner. Then, over time I grew more sour about it the more pressure and guilt I put on myself, added with the pressure and guilt put on by my readers.

I do want to clarify that it's not like ALL of my readers were like this. Most of them were sweet, supportive followers who only had nice things to say. But you know how it is... you could get ten comments/asks, nine of them positive and one negative, and it's the negative one that's going to stick to you.

So, to my lovely readers, I am sorry that I let you down by not finishing it. To the rude readers, I'm less sorry because y'all were dicks.

Y'know... I can look at all of my other works and either be like "Yeah, I'm really proud of that story," or "Eh, it was one of my earlier works, so I can't be too hard on it."

But [with you] puts me in a crisis of "oh god I'm a fraud, I was never a good writer, what am I doing??? why?? why are you like this??"

and I have to snap myself out of it. That's why I'm so like this about it now.

There are other little things I could go into, but this answer is long enough. I figure if anyone has any further questions or criticisms, they'll send 'em in and I can answer them that way.

I've moved on from all my twdg writing, I'm writing dragon age stuff now, and it's finally working for me so it's not like [with you] has me all hung up still. Plus, I think it's good to go back and learn from mistakes made in old works, y'know?

#asks #[with you] #twdg clementine #twdg louis #twdg violet #twdg mitch #twdg ruby #twdg aasim #twdg james #i have a lot of feelings about my old writings and trying to not repeat mistakes sksksks #because hhhnnnggggg... i made mistakes #but it's fine #it's fine i am different now and current cj has improved.... she said through gritted teeth #no but really i'm doing so much more writing these days and it's actually *fun* again... writing hasn't been fun for a long time #and writing da fic is like... a totally different experience? because it's a very different world/fandom than twdg... obviously sksks #plus i'm just a lurker in the shadows of the fandom and i haven't posted any writing yet so there are zero eyes on me #there was a point where i felt like stagnant with twdg? like i wanted to branch out and write different kinds of fics but was too worried #about my readers and followers judging me for it or that no one would want to read it because it wasn't tfs stuff #like.... ugh do i dare share this? ....it's in the tags and no one reads those so i'm sure this is a safe place for confession... sksks #i entertained the idea of writing a long fic about david and lilly meeting and joining the delta together #that would've dealt with much heavier mature themes than any of my tfs stuff did #...don't look at me like that okay I KNOW sksksk livid was a huge meme on this blog and behind the scenes i was like #'...wait what if though??' and never did it because i *know* how it would've been received and frankly i didn't wanna deal with that #plus i had so much other shit to write and [with you] constantly on the back burner screaming at me sooooo.... yeah #but anyway... i'll stop venting in the tags and thank anon for the ask and for reading my stuff #despite my hang ups with it i do truly appreciate you for reading my work and hope my answer makes sense

[merryfae]

Yall mind if I rant: The Sequel Nobody Wanted

The newest comic got me to question my stance on Korra/sami yet again (the dashes here exist to keep it out of the tags, just in case that’s still a problem). The short version of this is that my stance really hasn’t changed. (Also, just a headsup, I haven’t read my old anti k/s post in a long time, but it’s probably full of logical fallacies and the lot, so…what I’m getting at here is please don’t judge me based on what I’ve written in the past). 

I remember when I loved LOK. Book 1, I was able to look past the flaws, because the tension, characters, and atmosphere was so good. Book 2, the flaws became harder to overlook, but the Avatar Wan episode was definitely an experience. Book 3 was an entirely solid outing, though I missed some of that original atmosphere from Book 1. And then Book 4. I was so excited for the finale, because Book 4, despite its flaws, had been pretty great. But through the majority of the finale I was thinking to myself, “is that it?” Like, don’t get me wrong, there were some good fight scenes between Korra and Kuvira, and Mako’s sacrifice was pretty powerful, but most of it was underwhelming. It felt less like a wrap up of the show, and more like a wrap up of that season. Nothing from past seasons really tied together with the exception of the spirit portal. Plot elements from past seasons that could have been integrated into the show were dropped altogether. I don’t know. It was disappointing. 

So I was already in a bad mood, and the entire ending with Korra//sami kind of killed it even more for me. Because representation is important, no doubt. I push for it a lot myself. But not when it impedes the storytelling. The storytelling of LOK? Didn’t warrant it. This is coming from someone who, at the start of Book 3, loved the idea of Korra/sami. Their interaction in the car? Adorable. Asami sparring with Korra? Great. But there was nothing in future episodes to build up to a romantic conclusion. There was a scene where Korra blushed when receiving a complement from Asami. That’s the only scene between Korra and Asami that implied romantic intent. That and Mako’s whole, “What is with you two???” thing when they all go out for lunch, but goodness, if that wasn’t the most forced, inconsequential conflict I’ve seen in this series. I mean, if you have to tell the audience that there’s something going on between these characters instead of showing us, maybe there’s a reason a portion of your audience didn’t latch on to your intent. 

The problem with every scene where Asami and Korra interact (aside from the fact that they don’t bond over internal, character-building struggles, and instead just solve external problems together) is that most scenes are just Asami supporting Korra emotionally. Which, okay, for another character, that could imply romance. However, Asami’s character is already naturally caring and nurturing. She was already a character who was entirely supportive of the rest of the cast, so it’s no stretch of the imagination by any means to view her supporting Korra with tea or her offering intimate support when Korra is devastated in the Book 3 finale as inherently platonic. And, given that she was a support figure already, Korra sending her letters that the others “wouldn’t understand” can likewise read as platonic. This would be different if a character like, say, Opal interacted with Korra in similar ways after her introduction, a character who did not exist to offer unconditional support to our main leads already throughout the show, and whom Korra alternatively exhibits support for in Book 3 (or maybe I just really like their air bending scene together. I don’t know. Don’t hold me to that one). And that covers basically all of Korra and Asami’s interactions – Asami offering Korra support, and Korra accepting (usually) that support. That is, aside from those short (very short) but sweet moments at the beginning of Book 3. Plus, Book 4 takes place after a years-long gap as well, so the fact that we’re only shown them interacting once outside of the finale in Book 4 really speaks volumes. Which is not to mention that, aside from that last scene they have together, they hardly interact in the finale at all. I wanted to like this ship. I really, really did. But not when the writing didn’t add up. 

And then there’s the fact that Bryke’s claims that Korra/sami was intended from the beginning are obviously false. I mean, they’re on record saying that after Book 2, relationship drama had come to an end, and they were ready to focus on friendship. If I remember correctly, the voice actors had to be called back in after the finale had already been finished in order to include that last scene with Korra and Asami. It was literally last minute. 

It certainly doesn’t help that I dislike basically every ship in LOK. I never liked B/opal either. I didn’t like M/asmi, and Ma/korra didn’t have the best development itself. Honestly, I don’t think Bryke are good at writing romance period. But I’m angrier about Korra/sami, because not only is it a relationship involving the show’s main character, but it’s the central focus of the scene that ended the entire show. Say what you want about Kat/aang, but at least that ship was planned and introduced beyond minimal amounts of subtext from day one. It was a consistent part of the story. And alternatively, if LOK had ended with Ma/korra like it did in Book 1, I wouldn’t be necessarily pleased with it, but at least there was a textual history there between the two. 

And I hear the arguments about how Bryke couldn’t include textual evidence of Korra/sami because it was a ship between two women. Okay, point taken. I mean, they did admit that they didn’t even bother asking Nick until last minute, but I digress. But jeez, you could at least develop their relationship a bit, couldn’t you? Again, the only conflicts these two face together are external ones. Korra and Asami fight a gang. Asami carries Korra away from danger while Mako and Bolin fight off baddies. Korra and Asami escape/crash/rebuild an airship. In none of these scenes together do they have any meaningful interactions. Maybe you could count Korra grinning at Asami for two seconds while they rebuild the airship. Maybe. But they don’t bond over anything or talk about anything except what’s happening to them at the hands of outside forces (or essentially, what’s relevant to the plot). Hence why Asami’s offer of unconditional support of Korra in the Book 3 finale rings a little hollow. It’s just Asami doing what she’s been doing the whole time, albeit with a more emotional framing. 

And all this could all lead me to explaining why I didn’t like the conclusion of Korra’s character arc, or why I didn’t like how Asami was essentially a plot device until Book 3, and even then, she wasn’t given any real development. (In fact, I’m actually kind of bitter that the show didn’t write Asami better. Her entire character basically revolved around A) the love triangle nonsense or B) her father/company). But if I were to go in depth with that, it’d take another thousand or so words, and I’m amazed I even had the drive to write this whole thing in the first place. In short, the show really is a mess. 

Now, I’m only writing all this because I’ve seen panels from the comic. The first few panels I saw, I figured I shouldn’t judge too harshly. I didn’t see enough of the actual comic to draw a conclusion. But with the new ones out, it’s safe to say that the comic seems relatively out of character for both Korra and Asami. Seriously, maybe one sentence in there sounded like it could come from Korra. I implore you all to switch the dialogue and pretend Korra is saying Asami’s lines, and Asami is saying Korra’s. Do you feel the character-charged dialogue? Me neither. And anywho, I’m a bit frustrated people are hailing Korra/sami as the epitome of representation when it’s really…not. It’s hard seeing Korra develop into a nearly unrecognizable character for me, because she was the saving grace of the show from day one. 

Korra/sami isn’t the only ship that’s frustrated me like this. I downright despise several forced ships in fictional media, especially when it’s detrimental to a character’s development. I didn’t like J/ashi from Samurai Jack. Krist/anna or Kristoff/anna or whatever the heck it’s called from Frozen was pretty awful. Several Marvel movies (of which I am a fan) have awful romance subplots (Sta/ron and Bruce/nat are the biggest offenders). At the end of the day, Korra/sami isn’t the biggest offender. It does offer quality bi representation between two WOC. But that doesn’t mean we have to like it. Go ahead and enjoy your ooc comics folks. Who knows. Maybe it’ll actually be good. 

#anti korrasami #anti bryke #shipping nonsense #i really hope i don't come off as pretentious #as i gain more confidence i'm always worried about asserting myself #do i sound like a jerk? #also #my inbox is open so if you wanna have some polite discourse #hit me up #also also #did i write this whole thing only for no one to read it? #yes yes i did #and a headsup #i didn't write this out of anger #i wrote this because i love fictional analysis #this honestly started off as a one paragraph thing that i wasn't planning on posting #but i had so much fun i ended writing a bajillion words

[honeylemon8]

ranking popular booktok books

Everybody's probably heard of Tiktok. And for that, I will always be incredibly sorry. The sad truth is, and I know that is hard to hear, is that I'm an avid Tiktok user. There goes my individuality complex.

In this strange mysterious land of Tiktok, there is a variety of odd content- from snakes to people who forget we're not in 2017 with 'epic fails' compilations. But in the midst of all the chaos, there is the most gruesome, cruel community of all, filled with overhypes and low standards. The dreaded booktok.

lol I'm kidding. My 4u page is exclusively cats and books, so if I sound mean or something know that I'm being sarcastic and that I love book content on Tiktok with all my heart. Except when they talk shit about my favorite books. Can you tell I don't have friends already?

Anyway, after 3 paragraphs, I'm finally getting to the point. which books am I rating you ask? You and me both. Because I'm very professional and obviously planned ahead, I'm going to go on Tiktok and rate the first 3 books that I see (and obviously read, though judging books by their covers is very fun indeed) in the hashtag. Hope you don't want to commit suicide by the end of this post:)

1. Ugly Love- Colleen Hoover

honestly, I would love to start off with a negative review, because ranting on the internet is the only thing that gives me the will to live (shoutout to Goodreads). Unfortunately, @bookrecoms on Tiktok has taste. What a shame. But I must admit I cruelly deceived y'all. They actually recommended It Ends With Us, but because I haven't read it and I knew this book was going to come up(like Miles did inside of Tate)(i need a therapist) eventually, so I'm just getting it over with.

I actually really like this book! I know, surprising considering I hate everything, but this book inspired me to turn off the black hole of hate that is my heart for approximately 4-ish hours. My favorite part in the book is that Miles calls Tate Rachel at one point, which I found both traumatic and hilarious. But hey, at least it wasn't at a wedding!

over all: 4/5

2. We Were Liars- E. Lockhart

I cannot describe the amount of hatred I have for this book. I swear to god it's almost worst than a Thousand Boy Kisses. The ending is the stupidest thing I've ever read in my entire life, and I've read twilight multiple times. Nothing can compare to the amount of anger that I had while reading this. so much wasted potential, and for what? For what? Never read this book. Ever.

I'm so dramatic holy shit, I'm kidding the book itself is fine I guess, the ending was just so annoying. 3/5

3. The Deal- Elle Kennedy

putting the pg cover for y'all xx

I love this book. you know, sometimes I think about life before I read the deal, and I can't remember anything but pain. Darkness. Suffering. Until I read this book, in a world without Garret Graham, in a world where I haven't embarked on the epic adventure that is this book, my mind only consisted of Percabeth and sushi. Then I read this literary masterpiece. How did Elle Kennedy did not win a noble prize yet? This book can stop wars, global warming, and the conflict in the middle east. I encourage y'all to send a prayer to Elle Kennedy before you go to bed and charge all your rose quartz in the moonlight. Amen.

5/5

#book recs #books #ugly love #off campus #we were liars #elle kennedy #colleen hoover #e lockhart #garret graham #booksarelife #a cry for help #rant blog #rant post #rose quartz #percabeth

[itsclydebitches]

hello! loved your tbb meta posts (10/10 analyses of the batch and their respective characterizations), but since it wasn't explicitly mentioned -- did you catch the post-s1 interview with jennifer corbett (head writer) and brad rau (exec producer)? their answers about crosshair's chip being out were Interesting (tm) but fairly definitive-sounding, so I'm wondering what your thoughts on it might've been.

Hey there, anon! Thank you—I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed them :D

I’ve heard this info second-hand and ran into one written interview on the topic (idk if it’s the same one you’re thinking of), but my first response is… arguably a reach lol. Not to start off with a tin hat on, but it’s always possible that the writers are lying. Which yes, yes, we have a knee-jerk reaction against the idea of anyone lying for any reason, but in this case, it would be in service of both the writer’s plans and the audience’s enjoyment. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Crosshair’s chip is definitely still in and the entire point of this setup is a double twist: first the reveal that his chip is gone, then the real reveal that it’s actually still in and Crosshair was lied to (among other possibilities). How can the writers discuss him during hiatus without revealing that twist? By playing the current knowledge straight, despite the fact that they know otherwise. Yup, Crosshair’s chip is out. Yup, he chose this 100% willingly. Nothing else to see here, folks! To do otherwise would be to reveal the twist way too early. Even refusing to answer the question, dodging it, would give it all away. Imagine if during a season finale we’re meant to believe that a character is dead and then during hiatus an interviewer asks how the cast will mourn them. If the writer refuses to answer, every fan will realize that Something Is Up and what’s the main possibility here? That they’re not actually dead! Twist spoiled… unless the writer pretends that what the audience currently knows is definitely the truth here.

Taking my tin hat off now, these interviews are one of the main reasons why I’m worried about the writing moving forward. Because despite the paragraph above, I’m by no means convinced that the writers are skillfully keeping up a lie to avoid spoilers. It’s not outside the realm of possibility, but it’s not necessarily likely either. Which leaves us taking their words at face value and that’s… a problem. Because as so many fans have already pointed out, the writing is setting up a twist that, according to these interviews, doesn’t exist. That doesn’t say good things about their intentions for the show vs. what actually ends up on screen and that kind of disconnect becomes frustrating for viewers very quickly. Take the headaches, for example. I’ve seen a couple of fans explain Crosshair’s away using the engine accident: “His face got burned up, of course his head still hurts. You’re reading too much into this.” But imagine for a moment if I’d tried to do the same thing for Wrecker prior to “Battle Scars”: “He gets thrown around and hits his head nearly every episode, of course it hurts. You’re reading too much into this.” Other fans would have—quite rightfully—explained to me how television works and that this repetitive problem is functioning as foreshadowing of a larger problem. With a side of the fact that this is an action show where the characters consistently shrug off their injuries. We’re not supposed to take Wrecker getting thrown around seriously. He’s the brawn of the group, meant to withstand a lot of damage, with any injuries being presented as either #cool (Wrecker shrugs off Fennec’s hits to go after Omega, yeah!) or #funny (Wrecker treats Crosshair shooting him like a badge of honor lol), not something he’s going to have to grapple with in a serious manner. So the audience recognizes the question, what’s more likely? That Wrecker’s headaches are a deliberate visual cue on the part of the writers to tell us that something important is happening, or that suddenly how the genre treats injuries has drastically changed?

It's precisely the same with Crosshair. He’s not the brawn like Wrecker is, but he’s still the action (anti)hero who shrugs off injuries because this is a show interested in more fun, explosive plot, not a deep dive into recovery. (See also: the story doing nothing with Echo’s trauma.) When Crosshair is injured, he’s immediately fighting to get back into a ship and when we next see him he’s passed the recovery stage entirely. There’s only a scar to show that this happened at all. We don’t watch him getting bacta skin grafts, or worrying about his eyesight, or struggling to eat, etc. The point is that he was injured for the purposes of that episode and now he’s not. So why would we think his headaches are a long-term symptom when the show is otherwise not at all interested in writing long-term symptoms? What’s more likely, that this familiar visual cue is being repeated to tell us that this is the chip, just like it was with Wrecker, or that the story is randomly interested in something it never was interested in before?

The audience is right to think that there’s more going on because the show has been written to say, "Something more is going on." The headaches, Crosshair’s refusal to give concrete information, the group conveniently not using Tech’s scanner, the burn scar hiding where the chip’s scar would be, a lack of motivation for the Empire removing the chip, not seeing its removal when the show did include its power being amplified… all of these are deliberate writing choices to set up another reveal. But, if we take the interview at face value and learn that these weren’t deliberate details… then what? The writers are making mistakes? Throwing in “clues” for the hell of it that they never intend to cache in on? Unless there’s some amazing answer here that allows for both these inconsistencies' explanations and the writers’ hard stance—something I personally can’t think up—then we’re left with is a pretty serious flaw in the show. A flaw that’s going to undermine the audience’s trust in everything we get from here on out. The next time we see something that feels like a cool setup/reveal, half the fandom will be going, “Yes! It totally means that ___ is going to happen!!” while the other half will be going, “… does it? Because we thought things were happening with Crosshair and that went nowhere.” Writers have to tackle the implications of what they’ve put on screen. Otherwise, the story falls apart.

So yeah, I’m aware of those hard “His chip is out and this is his choice” statements and, frankly, they make me nervous for season two. Because what the show needs is to engage with what we actually got in the finale: an ambiguous state of Crosshair’s chip, a number of hints that it might still be in there, and an ethical dilemma that, so far, hasn’t acknowledged how much of an influence the group’s decisions have had on Crosshair’s. I tackled most of this in the first analysis, but something I didn’t unpack there was the “choice” of not leaving with them. I mean yes, by all exact definitions—and if we accept that the chip really isn’t there—then Crosshair absolutely had free will in that moment to do as he pleased. But life is way more complicated than that. Imagine for a moment that I put two candy bars in front of you. “You can have whichever one you’d like,” I say. You reach for the one on the left and I glare, hard. I scoff at you. I mutter about your choices, your personality, your flaws, and your mistakes. So you reach for the one on the right instead and I’m… neutral. Okay then. Right candy bar it is. “They could have chosen the one on the left” someone watching claims. “Nothing was stopping them. No one put a gun to their head!” And yeah, the concept of “stopping them” was never that extreme… but the more compassionate, nuanced look acknowledge that some measure of “stopping them” did exist. Insults. Cruelty. A clear indication that one choice was wrong and the other was right. That’s one hell of an influence, even if it's not as formidable as a gun or a chip.

And that’s what Crosshair is dealing with. Yes, joining the Empire is clearly wrong and yes, a non-chipped Crosshair has free will to walk away from it… but walking towards TBB was never presented as a real option for him. He saw that through their inaction when they never came back for him. Then in Hunter’s refusal to admit that they’d made a mistake in leaving him behind. Wrecker putting all responsibility on his shoulders, despite knowing what the chip does to someone. Tech backing him up and framing this situation as stemming solely from Crosshair’s base personality—“severe and unyielding.” It’s seen in the always-loving Omega walking away from him in the barracks, in Crosshair’s hesitation to follow them to safer ground (and boy oh boy, do I have sad headcanons about that), and most especially, in their reactions to him saving Omega. What Crosshair learns in that moment is that they honestly believe that he, not the Empire's chip, but he would shoot Hunter and that saving their little sister is not a point in his favor. It's met only with glares and a need to disarm himself. They don’t trust him and actions that should produce trust are outright ignored, so… where can they go from here? Nowhere, according to TBB’s actions. They’re not giving Crosshair any wiggle room, any hope that these relationships can be repaired, or any acknowledgement that they had a hand in things getting this bad. So when they offer to let Crosshair come with them—which is very significantly presented as an obligation, not something they want—he knows that offer is BS. Whatever their real feelings might be (because the found family show obviously wants us to believe that everyone loves each other), their actions have said loud and clear that they don’t want him. That yes, he could technically walk onto that ship… but that it would be the “wrong” decision accompanied by more insults, scoffs, and pressure to do otherwise. That once he's there, he'll be treated only as a threat with any good deeds ignored. It's an awful offer outside of it being the morally correct decision when it comes to leaving the Empire... so Crosshair reaches for the right candy bar instead.

That very long tangent out of the way, THIS is what season two has to grapple with, along with all that ambiguity and the existence of these "The chip is still here" hints. But the interviews don’t seem to acknowledge that all of this exists, instead framing things as if we’d ended the finale knowing for sure that the chip is out and had watched a season where Crosshair is 100% responsible for everything that’s happened, no Empire or TBB influence involved. The way the interviews frame things doesn’t match up with the text, so I can only hope this is an example of bad communication, or the writers keeping a spoiler under wraps, because otherwise… season two might be frustrating to watch, with fans continually going, “Why are you ignoring that this happened? Why are you pretending that all of this is simpler than it actually is?”

#TBB #The Bad Batch #Crosshair #Star Wars #SW #mymetas

[saiilorstars]

Hiii! For the fun meta asks: 1, 2, 4, 9 & 15! Thank you! :-D

Sorry for the late answer (it's been a long day at work with the kiddos!)

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

So I'm working on a couple WIPs at the same time. I literally hop from one OC to another. I've been adding more chapters to my new Doctor Who OC Grier to finish her first season! Her story starts with the 9th Doctor and will be cut off halfway through 10's first season to then pick up with 11's 6th season. I've got pLANS for her ;)

I've also been working more on my SVU OCs' Montserrat and Emilia respectively. I've figured out the pacing I wanted for Montserrat so it's allowed me to finally add more chapters to her fic. I'm excited because her big arc is finally coming!! As for Emilia's fic, I've just gotten more inspiration for her lately and that's given me more of a story to write for her!

I think right now these are the OCs I'm working on the most!

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

Like I said above, I'm writing for Grier right now and I honestly don't know where the inspiration came from all of a sudden but I am REALLY excited to start writing her in her next incarnation with the 11th Doctor. Compared to my other 3 OCs, she'll be the most unhinged Time Lady and it'll drive the Doctor absolutely mAD because she's literally screwing with him at every opportunity. If you haven't figured it out by now, they'll go from friends to enemies to frenemies and maybe finally to lovers .

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

So I think this would be in my fic The Beginning of Everything between 2 chapters. I incorporated the Fitzgerald's famous quote about his wife "And that was the beginning and end of everything" into the fic with Renata saying the first part and then having the Doctor complete it from his perspective. I don't know, I just felt like this was where my writing for so much better than what it used to be. Plus, I love that the quote is so bittersweet and I was able to use it to represent the dynamic between my OC and the Doctor.

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

I'm definitely more of a longfic kind of gal because it drives me up the wall not being able to put in all the information that I feel is needed for the reader's enjoyment. I guess that pretty much answers the second question -- I am definitely a plotter. I need to have at least a semi-plot before I even consider the idea of publishing a fic. I guess maybe I do wish I wasn't like this because it means that I don't post new stuff so often?? I see other writers spewing out drabbles and short fics every day meanwhile I post new one shots once in a blue moon.

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

SUMMARIES. God dammit I HATE coming up with summaries. I can't summarize for shit and then other websites have limits on summaries?? Way to make it harder!!! Titles are my thing, though. I have watched countless telenovelas in my 25 years of life so you bet your behinds that a lot of my fics are named after those novelas!

Ask me some fun writer questions!!

#these were fun!! #thank you!

[sageblogsthings]

to celebrate The Crimson Moon reaching 30k as of this morning, i thought that i would share the progression of the opening lines of the book, and talk a bit about how the book has grown and changed in the last year! on july 27th it will be exactly a year since i first started writing this and wow i’m not getting emotional you are aha whaaaat

*cough* anywayyysss!!

draft one: please oh god don't judge me

ok i'm not going to talk negatively about my past writing because it got me to where i am today but. [marge i am looking away meme] if you can't tell, i wrote this when i was going through the existential crisis phase of uni and just wanted to live in the woods, i say like i would not currently move to the woods in a heartbeat asdklfja

at the time that i wrote this i was really happy with it because the writing was fun and, as a result, easy! at this point i was just writing in my down time from uni, and i didn't know what the plot was or what my plans were for the book as a whole. because this was just something i did in my down time, i think my writing took on more of a conversational, stream-of-consciousness tone, and that's part of what made this draft (or start of a draft, i only got like 12k in i think) so easy to write. but eventually, as the plot started to come together and i started to gain more inspiration from sff writers as a whole, i realized that this book wasn't heading in the direction i wanted it to. it wasn't just something to do in my free time at that point, it had taken on a life of it's own. and thus, draft two began.

draft two: electric boogaloo

ngl these lines still slap and i love them. there are definitely things i would change, but these lines will be in the current draft of the book, albeit not in the first chapter and altered slightly. when i started this draft, i didn't have an outline but i had a very clear, cinematic image of how i wanted this chapter to go. i think having that before i started writing helped a looooot, both in terms of prose and just being able to convey aspects of the setting/character in the first paragraph. as i continued writing this draft though, i realized that some of the character arcs didn't make sense or were getting a bit messy, and that, based on the story i wanted to tell, it didn't make sense to start with Xalia. while there are six main pov characters in this book, Vanna really is the main character and i wanted that to be clear.

draft three: this time it's personal actually good

these are the current first lines of the book, and honestly my favorite so far! starting off with Vanna rather than Xalia definitely gives the book a different feel, and it's one that's more true to the vision i have for it. in my opinion, this opening does a much better job of setting up some of the book's themes, which admittedly i'm still figuring out lol. grief and loss are major components of all the character arcs, and are integral to the plot itself. switching to present tense has also been a LIFE CHANGER for me. it's funny because, on the second stab at this book, i kept slipping into present tense, but forcing myself back to past tense because i thought present tense sounded weird. turns out it only sounded weird because it was surrounded by past tense, and now that i've written 3 chapters in present tense i can solidly say that this is the way the book was meant to be written. it just feels like my book now, and i'm so happy with where it's headed!

i also made an outline for this draft of the book, and while i've already deviated from it somewhat to work out plot holes or increase ~foreshadowing~ in certain scenes, getting all of the events out of my head and onto paper has really allowed me to just write because i know that i have a document to refer back to if i get stuck on where the story is headed. making the outline also really pushed me to think about character backstories, most of which i had previously established, but now they've changed a lot to fit together more cohesively and integrate with the plot more clearly. i've also changed a lot of the character designs, and as a result of changing the appearances and backstories of a lot of the characters, i feel a lot closer to them and the story itself. the characters have well and truly taken on a life of their own, and now i'm kind of just along for the ride, telling their stories and loving every second of it!

ALSO!! the last big change with this draft, which i just implemented literally this morning and am so so sooooo excited about, is having first person referral, present tense mini-chapters/interludes! it gives the book a really unique sound and ties into the plot really nicely i think! i feel like the structure and form of the story are finally tying into the story itself and it's driving me insane a little bit askdfjka

as of right now i'm not ready to reveal who the pov and referral characters are in these chapters, because i'm debating between a couple ways of doing things and if i go one way that would end up being a pretty big spoiler! that being said, i got really hyped up about it earlier today and rambled in the spoilers section of my server so if you do want that sweet sweet spoilers content....join my server! ;)

also. i hope u all know that i almost deleted that first snippet about ten different times but transparency in writing and all that, i really do want to show how much this book has grown and changed! even if it's going to cause me immense psychic damage to type up the image description for this but i digress

i think that's all for now, and thank you so so much if you read all of that! the love and support this project has received and continues to receive absolutely blow me away, and i can't thank you enough for being part of the journey! <3

the crimson moon taglist (ask to be +/-)

@dallonswords | @isherwoodj | @florraisons | @aetherwrites | @childhoodlovers | @bijouxs | @ziyin | @moonhungers | @piyawrites | @avi-why | @svpphicwrites | @alicewestwater | @ladywithalamp | @spencers-tomes | @discreet-writer | @sunwornpages | @abalonetea | @the-bard-writes | @x-writes | @morganwriteblr​ ​| @aphaimaniis | @stephwriteswords | @ninazeniks ​| @araliensmagica | @fuyugomori | @ryns-ramblings | @greyjaywrites | @marimos

image descriptions below the cut

[header image description]

the background is a dark castle with a checkerboard-patterned marble floor. the hallway fades into black, with the hint of a figure standing in the doorway. white text across the image reads "The Crimson Moon" in a large, all-caps font, and below that reads "wip update post" in thin, lowercase text.

[image description for excerpt one]

I lay on my back, gazing up at the sky. The weather was absolutely perfect. I could hear the crickets singing, the birds chirping, the brook babbling, all that good poetic shit.

I came out here often, just to get away and pretend like I wasn't a part of the fuck-all society I lived in. How could humans be so ignorant? We live in a world with this, I gestured expansively in my mind at the field around me, how can we not see how beautiful it is? How perfect it is? How imperfect we are by comparison?

[image description for excerpt two]

Xalia strode down the marble halls, the soft leather of her shoes meeting each tile with a cacophony of echoes. This was not the first, second, hundredth time that she had walked these passageways, and yet the chill she felt when contained within their depths never seemed to subside. The looming corridors and billowing curtains always seemed to hide sinister whispers that breathed down her neck and pricked at the tips of her ears. Perhaps it was the High Council, with their unnerving masks and owlish eyes, seeming to know and perceive all — or perhaps it was the knowledge that every time she stalked back towards the exit, she would carry the weight of another’s life on her shoulders, a life that she had to take.

[image description for excerpt three]

Vanna’s mother always tells them that grief is a sharp, biting thing; something that latches its teeth around your stomach until you double over with the weight of it. But for Vanna, that’s not quite right. There isn’t something hidden and tucked away behind the confines of their gut because there isn’t anything there at all. As they walk towards the town well — a spell book in one hand and emptiness in the other — they think that their mother got it wrong trying to describe grief in terms of presence. Grief, to them, can only be absence. The absence of light, the absence of a smile, and the absence of a palm which had curled so perfectly into theirs.

#kit writes #arnora #atlastracking #writeblr #wip update #whoowee this sure got long #i'm just very in my feelings about this wip okay <3 #yknow those stories that grow up as you do?....yeah

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

#also i love you

[zadle]

oh my dearness big update post since the last tumbling

2020 has been very wild since day 1 (which is also my birthday). i felt very lost at this job i was at, some place i had worked before, as it was sort of eating up my life. wasn't really sure what to do. a couple weeks into january i met this girl at work and we like instantly clicked, but something was very off, and i just had a feeling, right from the first conversation, that the universe was trying to teach me something with her. we ended up dating for like 6 months and i won't get into details but it was very bad and unhealthy, i'm still working through some of it. i'm still sort of friends with her, but i keep her at a (very long) distance.

at one point i made this discord server, and i wasn't expecting much but it just properly Took Off. it's a lot of folks' go-to server now. like it's not huge, but it's a big comfy family. a few of my very good friends are in there and i love them very much. there's also a bunch of fable speedrunners in there, as well as the co-creator of fable himself lol (who's such a lovely person btw). i've made very good friends from discord. one fellow even sent me his old capture card, so now i can stream/record stuff from console. he also sent me and some other friends a couple jars of apple butter that his mum made lol. if anyone's inch-rested i can DM u a link!

at one point in the summer, i asked my crush if she'd like to go on a picnic date with me. i wasn't planning on doing so at that point, but the tarot cards nudged me in a direction and after a good handful of clarifiers it became clear that i should. i at very least wanted to be direct about it for once. she hasn't decided yet (reasons i won't get into) but that's very much okay; i just want her to be happy, as she deserves all the happiness in the world. she makes me so happy just... existing. like she is the sweetest soul, i love hearing her talk about her interests (she has a voice like sunlight and honey and her laughter makes me melt). and she has the most gorgeous eyes. i could go on but this paragraph is getting long; i'm very gay. she's just special.

onto other things, i got sick in march and lost my job due to a communication kerfuffle, but it ended up being okay, as over 20 people tested positive for covid-19 there, which is genuinely terrifying. and they never shut down because "demand was too high". capitalism is honestly such a fuck and i am so ready for it to fall at the hands of zoomers. i started a patreon working on some fable mods, hoping to work more on my own game, but i've been very overwhelmed by all that atm. thankfully, the only patrons i have are people who just want to support me for being me (i've wanted to keep it a secret until i'm ready to do things more consistently).

i've also been really coming to terms with my noise sensitivity. due to quarantine, i have not had any alone time whatsoever, and there's constant noise and i'm realising how bad that is for me. like it's very, very bad. one thing just a little too loud can make me stop in my tracks, completely derail me, and render me nonverbal. i want to figure out a way to communicate that without just saying people aren't allowed to live in their own home lol. but learning to recognise my own needs and limits, even the hard way, has been really helpful and i'm glad i've been able to figure things out more because these are useful things for later in life.

and yeah that's just about it for now. i've also been writing a lot more, like just channeling stuff. i might start posting some of that here.

tl;dr very bad relationship now over, discord is a good time, i'm so fucking gay, death to capitalism, noise is very bad, and esoteric wordification writing go brrrr.

[cats2019forthenintendoswitch]

sjjssiissoas ok so I'm just browsing youtube as usual and I see a LEGO stop-motion video. And I see it, it's like someone making a wooden duck toy but with LEGO blocks, in stop-motion, and I'm like oh that's pretty neat! I wonder what else this channel has? And they have more stop motion LEGO videos, yeah...and their featured one (you know, whatever is the big one that appears when you click on a channel) is the fucking. Passion Of Jesus Christ. In LEGO stop motion. Right under a "subscribe and buy our merch!" banner.

And this us already hilarious and I could've ended the post there but there's more. See, in this video (or at least in their own comment for the video) they promote a Christian Movie by "their friend", called Because Of Gracia.

Now just out of curiosity I watch the trailer they linked, expecting it to be terrible, and...it doesn't look too bad at first. Bland, sure, and it's about a basic heterosexual romance, but it seems to be generally ok and even just promoting good values, you may not even realize this is a christian movie! It seems generally harmless and mediocre (ok ignoring the fact Gracia, the main romantic interest who is also Latina, has her first line in the trailer be "just call me Grace :)" idk I feel that's problematic) until we meet this guy.

Now if you couldn't tell by how he looks or the only line he says, "just because something is improbable, you assume it comes from a higher power", this guy is the straw atheist™. And honestly he's not even making that bad a argument like... Wonderbread Boy (that's our main char) replies "and what about dialogue and the pursuit of truth?" and if you know these movies you know damn well he's not gonna do that, he's gonna go through endless fallacies lmao.

But yeah right after that it just goes full American Evangelical Bullshit™. And you may be thinking...hey this is familiar! Yeah aren't like half of these things from that awful Christian Movie from a few years ago with a weirdly edgy title? And yeah, you're right. I watched another trailer and

It's the same fucking guys. In case you weren't familiar with God's Not Dead or knew about it but didn't care to look too much into it, the main plot is Christian Wonderbread boy arguing with an atheist professor about the existence of God, who is revealed to be atheist because of his wife's death and yes, gets evangelized at the end.

Now idk if the first one delved into the theme of fake opression but the second one certainly did, the main plot of that one (oh yeah this paragraph is about this strap in) is a Good Christian Wonderbread Professor Woman getting into a trial because she dared to talk about Jesus Christ when asked in a lecture that was relevant. Now even casting aside the fact this makes no sense even in-universe, she then gets actively opressed by an atheist court, saying all education should be secular and yadda yadda, again, despite the fact he was talking about Jesus in a purely historical context. In real life like...That's just...not how it works. Christianity is the norm both in America and the world in general. They're just not opressed.

Of course this isn't just a silly world they made up, this is how they genuenly feel. See, at the end, they bring up a list of real cases of "Christian Ooression", cases where Christians were supposedly opressed by law for expressing their faith in America in some way. Besides the fact it was like...20 cases total? Most if not all of them were cases like the infamous one where a bakery refused to bake a cake for a gay wedding. So yeah, to these people not being able to discriminate to an actually opressed group is discrimination and opression.

Idk I guess I went on this rant to say that like, christian propaganda (or at least white american evangelical one,) isn't just silly, it's dangerous, and we shouldn't just laugh it off? I wasn't planning on this post being this lonh and I'm not good at conclusions, I kinda just started typing and couldn't stop.

Also I feel like I should source basically where I got all the info for the GND trilogy

#my own posts #anti christianity #anti evangelism #god's not dead #long post

[themagiciansreccenter]

The Great Blank Spot: Greywash

So much goes into creating fanfiction even before the first words hit the paper. And in-depth spotlight on our writers and the process behind their work.

Tell us about your current project.

I'm finishing up the sequel to "Firebird"—or, well, really, the story that "Firebird" is a prequel to. It's called "The Marriage Plot" and it's a fake-fake-marriage story, or an un-arranged marriage story, or something: basically it starts with a political misunderstanding that *looks* like the only way out is going to be Eliot and Quentin getting married. Spoiler: that's not what happens.

The fics are finally posted from The Trials. Did you participate?

No, I came into the fandom after The Trials started, so I missed it, but I'm still reading my way through everyone's submissions and really enjoying them!

What is your current word count?

104,069 words, but I revise/cut/rewrite a lot as I go so that goes up and down.

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session?

I write every morning for about an hour and a half before work—or, well, I sit and work on fiction for about an hour and a half: sometimes that's freewriting, or reading, or editing. I'm trying to be less focused on output quantity and more on time spent this year, since trying for output goals seems to encourage some not-good strains in my mental health whatsits to go mad with power and make my life suck.

What was the inspiration for this fic?

Ahahahahahah oh dear. Um—the answer to that question is hugely spoilery, so I guess I'll say: the last six lines of dialogue, which sort of ~came to me in a vision~, or whatever, and then... the whole rest of the story sort of... constructed itself around that. But I think I can say that I'd been thinking/obsessing about Fillorian marriage, and how—like, skin-crawlingly horrific I find it as a concept, and *why* I find it so skin-crawlingly horrific, before I started working on "The Marriage Plot," and that definitely—informed the story, let's say.

How do you stay motivated between chapters/stories?

I don't have a huge problem staying motivated... for me it's more that I have SO MUCH STUFF I want to work on, so I have trouble staying focused. I have this little Penny-centric fic that I want to get done before the end of the current fan_flashworks round, so I have like 24 hours, and I also have a Penny/Quentin story that'll go up in the next FFW amnesty, and... possibly one or more *other* stories for FFW amnesties that are either done or mostly done, and I just! I am really bad!! at staying focused on one project.

On the motivation front, though, I will say that a big part of why I don't tend to lose motivation is that I never leave projects "at a good stopping point". This seems really counterintuitive, but it helped me *so* much when I started doing this: I almost always end a writing session by getting to a good stopping point, and then writing 9/10ths of the next sentence or paragraph. I like to have a sentence waiting for me where the ending is obvious but not actually written down, so I open it up the next morning and I'm like, "oh, that's supposed to end, 'with his palm'" or whatever, so I have that really easy in for getting back into the swing of writing.

Did this fic require any research? How much research do you typically do for your fics?

I do do quite a bit of research, but I don't typically do research in advance. I'm, like, the anti-planner, I am *so* bad at planning stories, so I kind of write until I hit a point where I'm like "oh, God, I actually do need to know how you go about getting a marriage license in New York, don't I," and then I spend like three hours on the NY city clerk's office website or whatever. I think the thing where I was looking up how to get a marriage license in New York came up like 30,000 words into this story, or something. And a lot of times I'll {{bracket something I need to look up later, like this}} and then just keep working, and fill it in in less high-value writing time—I do that on my lunch breaks a lot, so I can keep my block writing time in the morning for actually making new words.

Do you typically write ahead or post as you go?

It really depends on the project. Somewhat ironically, I mentioned this on Dreamwidth earlier this morning, but I actually usually kind of hate posting things as WsIP unless I am well ahead and very, very sure I can finish quickly. I got kind of trapped by a multi-year WIP in //Sherlock// fandom, which—I love that story, I just wish I wasn't posting it as a WIP. (Though it also wouldn't be that story if I hadn't posted it as a WIP, so... whatever, que sera sera, et cetera.)

When I was posting "Firebird", I started out with... I think I was drafted five chapters ahead at the start? Six? Maybe? I honestly don't remember, but I do know it rapidly fell to four and then kind of froze there, because I knew I needed to have Ch. 8 *very* nailed down before Ch. 4 went up, because I was back-editing all the way to 4 as I wrote 8. And I didn't want to back-edit live work. But then I hit a like... 9/10ths draft place on 8 and burned through that entire posting cushion *super* fast during the last few days I was finishing 8, because 8 was almost the last thing I finished—I had 9 and 10 almost completely drafted before I finished 8, and that's pretty typical of me, to write sort of medium-out of order. So 9 and 10 went up basically as soon as they were edited, because I didn't have that cushion anymore. But "Firebird" lent itself to WIP posting because it has, you know, like. Plot, and excitement, and some sort of cliffhanger-y bits here and there; "The Marriage Plot" won't be posted as a WIP, because it's very interior and relationship-focused, and it just doesn't lend itself to that treatment. The most I might do on something like that is post it consecutively over a few days just to not have to edit all the HTML on 100k+ of fiction in one go.

How much planning and outlining did you do before you started putting words on paper?

Almost none! Ahahaha. I had a freewritten story outline, but I tend to do all my fiction discovery by writing fiction, so I have to be really willing to try things and toss them out, which is what I do instead of actually outlining. I'm thinking about making a pretty huge change to "The Marriage Plot" right now, actually, and am sketching it out by writing some short stories that happen in the (mostly off-screen) 6-9 months between "Firebird" and "The Marriage Plot," and seeing how things crystallize. So I may be about to toss out like 20k of fiction! I don't know, we'll see!

Has it been pretty smooth sailing or rough waters? When things get rocky, how do you handle needing to rewrite sections or scrap scenes entirely?

Oh, I tooooootally don't mind rewriting. I write really fast but am bad at planning, or well—bad at seeing what it'll take to get the characters to where I need them to be emotionally, so mass rewriting just kind of comes with the territory. I also write in Scrivener, which has a Snapshots feature that makes it much less stressful to hose something—I can always go back and look at a previous version if I want a line or a paragraph or to take it back entirely.

Teaser

"Well, no," Alice says, and then her mouth twists, tightening up. "I sort of—I told them that they couldn't have Quentin, because he was already engaged."

"What?" Quentin says; and Eliot grabs at Quentin's tipping wine glass, just in time.

"Look, I had to tell them something, all right?" Alice snaps at him. "Sorry, but I didn't think you wanted to get married to some conceited isolationist—"

"To who, Alice?" Margo interrupts; and Alice stops again, and then flushes.

"I had—well, the only way I could think of to convince them was the—well, you know, when Eliot got deposed," Alice says.

"We *both* got deposed," says Margo, tight; and Alice says, "Yes, *yes*, you *did*, but then *you* took the throne and now *Eliot's* on your council, so I told them—"

"You told them," Margo finishes, "that to prevent civil war, I offered my most powerful rival my only virgin son in marriage."

"Well," Alice says. "Basically—yes."

There is a long moment of silence.

"Well," Eliot says, finally. "I'm not sure how anyone could've foreseen *that* one going wrong."

The Great Blank Spot is an in-depth spotlight focusing on the writing process and previewing in-progress fics for our fandom. It is meant to be an organic, ever-evolving feature. Previously interviewed fic writers can reach out to us here, to have a specific work featured. If you’d like to have a work featured but haven’t done the author spotlight, reach out to us to get started. If you have suggestions for questions you’d like to see answered, shoot us an ask!

#the magicians #the magicians rec center #the great blank spot #author spotlight #author spotlight: greywash

[polyputthekettleon]

Having feels about medication, and how the fuck am I feeling, anyway?

I had a good chat with a girlfriend of mine last night (but not one of my *girlfriends*, oh goodness, #queerpolyamproblems). She happened to message me about exactly the same thing I was planning to journal about, so I ended up basically just journaling to her.

She asked me how my medications are going -- it's officially been three weeks since I started the guanfacine, 2 weeks since I started the methylphenidate. I told her, my meds are "physically fine," and how this week I did indeed step up my methylphenidate dose (with my provider's consent) from 18mg daily to 36mg daily. I meant to journal about that here, but c'est la vie. Perhaps it is a good thing that that has been a lower priority to me this week; maybe this is the saner, less anxious approach?

To that point, I *think* (big emphasis on the "think", there) that the higher dose is working better for me. I've been more capable of accomplishing tasks I've been avoiding this week, and I've felt more motivation and capacity in general. That said, this could also be due to the thing that prompted me to have fucking feels about my medication regimen in the first place, so... (more on that in a lower paragraph!)

As far as if things are actually better... I don't know. I've read a bunch of different articles trying to parse out what shift in my experience I'm trying to achieve. D describes the experience of her medication taking effect as her brain coming out of a fog, and that's something I've seen described by other people too. But I don't (and haven't) experienced anything I would call a "fog" at all related to the methylphenidate outside of literally two incidences where I felt rather disconnected from my body about an hour after I took it, and then that faded away again within the next hour.

When she asked me if I was still dealing with daily "crying attacks" (her words), I said that the guanfacine seems to be doing a good job on that front. And it really is -- that, or I've somehow gotten over what I was dealing with before. I honestly can't tell. It sounds like there have been some studies showing it's effective at treating anxiety in children and teens, so I guess we'll assume it's working for me too (::shrugs::).

Let me be clear: I am rather fucking displeased about the guanfacine being effective at calming the anxiety cycle that I was in. I was working to reply to people who had commented on my post about grief on the partners of trans folks Reddit board (another one of the "maybe I have more spoons now?" activities I've engaged in this past week), and while was doing that, I just had this flash of recognition of how utterly fucked up I was basically all of December and January, even with the occasional moments of not so fucked up... I was a sobbing mess. I was a crazy mess. And now, I'm not. In fact, I'm feeling more "normal" than I have in a long time, and when I recognized that, I had a glimmer of feeling proud of myself for the fact that I'm doing better, and then I tried to for transparency in one of my replies and mentioned that I was grateful that my anxiety medication was helping me not be trapped in the anxiety spirals that I had been in... and sometime after that my fragile sense of pride and pretend 'okayness' about the situation crumbled. Because I've been doing better since I started taking the guanfacine.

Yes, I felt mildly sedated for the first couple days, and felt like I was accessing too small a range of emotions for the first 3 or 4 days, and wanted to take a nap every single afternoon for the first week, until I started taking the methylphenidate (which could just be a coincidence), BUT I wasn't bursting into tears on a daily basis. I wasn't spiraling up. For the record, I'm still feeling weirdly held back from my full range of emotional experience: there have been multiple occasions the last couple of days where I've been wanting to cry but haven't reached a level of emotional intensity to be able to do so, and I don't know how I feel about that (generally I'm grumpy about it) -- and I am not getting as instantly fired up in response to either D or J saying stupid shit (which is probably a good thing, honestly).

I'm not thrilled about my no longer being so fucked up being so very suggestively tied to me starting psychiatric treatment.

My friend summed it up well: "That’s a hard moment to pass through where you realize how bad things were."

Yeah. If this is that moment, then yeah. This is a hard moment.

She said that she's glad I'm feeling better, that there was "a legit lot going on for you." I felt just as bitter reading her saying it as I did when I hear D say how she's glad to see me doing better, that she's happy to see me more at peace.

I don't feel happy about it. I feel fucking pissed off.

Again, girlfriend hit the nail on the head: "Yeah, I know it feels all really fraught. And you want the meds to work, but the meds working means you worry something is wrong with your brain and you’re broken, which makes you judge yourself really harshly."

Yeah ... I don't want the meds to work, I want my brain to fucking work.

I've been trying to figure out since my initial realization- is this a new thing in my life, then? Is this going to be my always thing? Am I always going to be taking fucking brain meds? Because I don't normally cry every day and break down on doorsteps -- or at least, I didn't. But I did in December and January.

I'm trying to figure out how much anxiety has been in my life prior to this most recent mess. I was trying to sort things out with J's help last night -- is this new? Has my brain changed since when I was younger? Or is it my social environment that's changed and this is how it's affecting me to live in so much flux? Did the fairly frequent freakouts of the last three years (thanks polyamory) finally just break my brain and give me permanent anxiety??

J shared that he remembers early in our relationship, people in his life who would, after getting to know me a bit, say things like that I seem to be my own harshest critic, and that he views that externalized critic that people can see as a manifestation of my anxiety.

So basically, that he can see it having been around for a long time

But then in the stuff about ADHD, it talks about how anxiety is one of those things that can can result from undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.

The question I'm ultimately trying to answer is if in the future I stop taking guanfacine, will I just go back to spiraling up? I have no fucking idea, *but* this has led to me starting to learn a bunch more about anxiety disorders as well as starting to chew through studies like this one (linked below) that talk about the treatment combo I'm following.

I feel frustrated and like I'm grasping, and I don't know what's going to allow me to feel a sense of peace and acceptance around this. Ugh.

#journal #brain stuff