#this month has been me wildly swinging between being like. fuck this guy towards dean and like

[littlebluejaydraws]

Fuck it, Tokio Hotel-natural

Heilig- Tokio Hotel

ID: A series of 7 digital drawings of Dean and Cas, set in the dangeon during the confession scene from 15x18, apart from the 6th image. Over the images are the lyrics from the first verse and chorus of Tokio Hotel's song Heilig. English translations are given in brackets and are not on the drawings.

The first panel shows Cas' back to the left of the image as he paints a ward on the door. Dean is visible in the right bottom corner, clutching his chest. The lyrics shown are: "Ich halt mich wach für Dich, Wir schaffen’s nicht beide, Du weiβt es nicht." (I keep myself awake for you, we won't both make it, you don't know.)

The second panel shows Cas to the left of the image looking at Dean, with Dean to the right. He is half turned away from Cas to look behind himself and there are tears in his eyes. The lyrics are: "Ich geb’ mich jetzt für Dich auf, Mein letzter Wille hilft Dir raus." (I give myself up for you now, my last intention helps you out.)

The third panel shows a black void opening in the wall (the Empty) with an empty chair in front of it. The lyrics are: "Bevor das Meer unter mir zerbricht." (Before the seas breaks beneath me.)

The fourth panel shows Cas and Dean in profile, facing each other. Cas, again on the left, has placed his right hand on Dean's left shoulder. The lyrics are: "Ich glaub an Dich, Du wirst für mich immer Heilig sein." (I believe in you, you will always be holy to me.)

The fifth panel shows Cas center frame looking up as the tendrils from the empty claim him. The lyrics are: "Ich sterb für unsere Unsterblichkeit." (I die for our immortality.)

The sixth panel is a composit of three images. The main image is of Stull cemetry from 5x22 with Dean kneeling in the center and Cas standing over him, hand reaching down to heal him. In the top left corner is a close up of Dean from 15x18 with Cas' hand print in blood on his shoulder. In the bottom right corner is a close up of Dean from 4x01 rolling up his sleeve to show Cas' handprint branded on his shoulder. The lyrics are: "Meine Hand, von Anfang an, über Dir." (My hand, from the beginning, over you.)

The seventh and final panel is a wide shot of Dean leaning against the wall in the dungeon following Cas' sacrifice. The is an inset close up of his head in his hands in the top left corner. The lyrics are: "Ich glaub an Dich, Du wirst für mich immer Heilig sein." (I believe in you, you will always be holy to me.)

End ID.

(Translations are by me so may not have the full nuance of the lyrics.)

#cas #castiel #dean winchester #destiel #deancas #supernatural #spn #tokio hotel #heilig #reposting this because i really didnt like cas' face in a couple of panels #and im taking november 5th as an excuse to redo them #still not entirely happy tbh but definitely better #its fine its fine #anyway this is THEE confession song #to me #this month has been me wildly swinging between being like. fuck this guy towards dean and like #but what if the version of spn i built in my head was also on my screen? #so working on this was a bit of a weird process for me haha #also a struggle to resist the urge to message anyone who rbed the first version and asking them to rb this one instead #but the social anxiety is keeping me in check

[starprincecas]

so it goes

15x18 spec fic (written and posted before the ep aired on how it might emotionally eviscerate us that I forgot to share here) [1.4k]. Crossposted on Ao3

“So…” Dean drawls, grabbing Cas’ attention from where he’s squinting intently at the contents of a book, still somehow hopeful of eking out some heretofore unfound information that’ll change the game in their favor. Dean’s not all that optimistic but he can’t really begrudge the guy for it. “What’re you gonna do once this is over?”

Cas cocks his head as he eyes Dean. “After defeating God you mean?”

“You got anything else on your plate I don’t know about?”

Cas looks down at the book in front of him, idly running his thumb over the edge of the pages. “Return to heaven I suppose. While there’s not much I can do, if Jack intends to use the remnants of Adam’s power to fix things up there, the least I can do is give him what support I can.”

Dean half-smiles at that ruefully. “You ever heard of retirement, buddy?”

“I have.” At Dean’s patiently amused expression, Cas straightens up. “Oh. You mean for myself.”

He’s never had a need to consider the prospect before, but now that Dean has set it before him… He ponders aloud. “Heaven’s not made for angelic retirement, so I’m not sure where I would go. I suppose I could travel again-”

“Or,” Dean cuts in, a little too loud in its nonchalance, “you could, y’know, stay here.”

Cas stares at him.

Ignoring the loud, nervous drumbeat of his heart, he meets Cas’ eyes. “I said it before, didn’t I? We’ve got enough space for a dozen of you in here with room to spare. So… stick around after. If you want.”

“I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” Dean grins, open and easy in a way he hasn’t for months.

Cas smiles back. “Yes.”

--

Dean’s busy texting Sam for updates on the survivor relocation efforts when there’s a sudden palpable shift to the room.

His head shoots up reflexively even as he reaches for the gun strapped to the underside of the table, immediately on edge, only to stop short when he realizes it’s Billie.

He forces himself to relax, if only so that he doesn’t tip her off to the fact that they’ve been clued into her master plan.

“Hey, Billie,” Dean says as nonchalantly as he can. “Wasn’t expecting-”

“That’s not Billie,” Cas interrupts, standing up abruptly and dropping into a defensive stance as his angel blade drops into his hand. “Dean get back.”

Dean obeys immediately, even as ‘Billie’ croons, “Oh, don’t worry angel, you know I’m not here for him.”

“It’s the Empty,” Cas says tightly, not looking away as he slowly backs up, knowing Dean’s doing the same.

“Whatever deal you and Billie made for Jack, he’s not-”

The Empty rolls its eyes and cuts Dean off. “I’m here for Castiel. Figured I’d hedge my bets, just in case.” At his confused expression, it snorts. “Oh that’s cute. You didn’t even tell him.”

“Tell me what?” Dean demands loudly, glancing between the Empty and Cas. Cas doesn’t look at him. “Tell me what, Cas?”

“Ask the little half-angel brat,” the Empty cuts in flatly. “I’m not staying in this stupid dimension any longer than I have to.”

It takes a step towards Cas. Dean reacts without thinking and shoots. It doesn’t so much as flinch as the bullet penetrates its shoulder, glancing at Dean with almost sardonic amusement. “You didn’t really think that would work, did you?”

Dean shrugs, plastering on a smirk. “Can’t blame me for trying.”

The Empty materializes Death’s scythe while leveling Cas with a look. “Tell your pet human to stand down or I stop playing nice.”

It taps a finger pointedly against the scythe’s handle.

Dean takes the brief moment of distraction to grab Cas’ angel blade from his lax grip and lob it right at the Empty’s chest with practiced accuracy.

Shock and anger flicker past its face as it inexpertly tries to dodge and swing the scythe at Dean.

Too slow to react, the scythe grazes Dean’s side just as the angel blade hits its target, his yell of pain louder than the Empty’s muffled grunt. Cas is there to catch him as he staggers back, dragging him hurriedly out of the library.

--

They hobble down the hall, Cas bearing the brunt of Dean’s weight as he struggles to walk from the pain.

“There,” Dean grunts when he notices the door to one of the storage rooms lying ajar. Cas redirects immediately. When he turns to Dean, concerned and hand stretched out to heal him, he grits his teeth and shakes his head, taking a half-step back to lean against the wall. “Block the door.”

Cas gives him a look like he wants to object but accedes, moving to push the nearest shelving unit in front of the door. It won’t do much to delay the inevitable, but Dean’s nothing if not stubborn.

“That was reckless,” Cas mutters as he focuses on healing Dean’s wound after.

Dean grunts and tries to smirk. “Have you met me?”

Cas keeps at it for a few more seconds but the pain only abates, not subsiding much. Cas’ hand falls away as he steps back, staring down at Dean’s bloodied side. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, “I’m not strong enough - an injury from Death’s scythe isn’t something I can heal.”

Dean waves off the apology. “Why’s the Empty after you?”

Cas doesn’t respond. His brows furrow as his gaze drops down to his feet, his bloodied hand clenches into a fist.

“Cas.”

“I made a deal,” Cas admits, the words falling heavily in the space between them. “To save Jack the first time he died.”

A yawning pit opens up inside Dean at the admission. ‘No, no, no,’ he thinks wildly, ‘not again. Please, not again.’

Cas finally looks up and meets his eyes, there’s resignation in his eyes but no regret. “I did what I had to.”

“There’s got to be some way out of this,” Dean blurts out, even as Cas shakes his head. Dean wants to reach out and grab him by the lapels of his trenchcoat and shake him till he takes it back, but the pain and panic have him rooted to the spot. “I’m not going to lie down and just let it-”

“Dean,” Cas interrupts, “there’s nothing you can do.”

“The fuck there isn’t,” Dean says heatedly. He doesn’t have a solution now, but they’ll figure out something, they always do.

Cas smiles at him then, though it wobbles. There’s the beginning of tears in his eyes and it’s a sucker punch to Dean’s gut, because he’s never seen Cas cry before.

“You’ve fought for this whole world, given up so much for it.” Cas swallows and tries smiling again. “It needs you one last time. So this is one battle I’m asking you not to fight. If there’s one last thing I can ask of you before I die -”

“Don’t,” Dean says softly, tears springing to his own eyes. He moves to physically stop whatever Cas might try to say but stumbles, the sudden movement pulling at his injury. Cas reaches out immediately, grasping at his shoulders to steady him.

“- it’s that you don’t risk your life pointlessly because of me. I don’t want that to be the last thing I see.”

Dean shakes his head harshly even as tears blur his vision. ‘It’s not pointless,’  he thinks, ‘not if you’ll survive,’ but the words don’t come out. All the things they’ve left unsaid between them all these years choke him and steal his voice. Even now they’re both cowards.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this

There’s a loud pounding at the door that has them both turning. The door and shelves rattle as it bears another hit before shattering into splinters. Dean finds himself being pulled behind Cas as they both try to shield themselves from the debris.

“Time’s up,” the Empty says, scowling.

Cas doesn’t look back at the Empty even as he pulls back from Dean. He attempts a smile, like he’s trying to convince them both that he’s at peace with what’s about to happen. Dean’s incapable of pretending the same, jaw tight as he stares back at Cas, his own expression a rictus of grief.

Large black tendrils envelop Cas at an alarming speed. Cas steadfastly ignores them, not looking away from Dean. “Thank you for-”

And then he’s gone.

#spn #dean winchester #castiel #destiel #deancas #destiel fic #becca writes fanfic #(not tagging as spoilers since this is a now jossed spec fic)