#this seems like a thoughtful examination

[sixth-prince]

#music #we were talking about like. dance/club anthems for each of the boys and this is the one i ended up picking for alun #i think the most obvious being the feeling of being trapped by things which he knows he should love at detriment to himself #there's a lot to be said about his views on his various relationships especially as they pertain to patron(s) and his fellow princes #and how he maybe understands that there is something deeply unhealthy about the value he puts in things that do not seem to value him #riesling has been a strong advocate of him re examining these very relationships but... well. maybe someday. who knows #i also love that both of the vocalists are transgender which alun is not but yknow we've been talking a bit about gender stuff #the beautiful nomi ruiz and anonhi! the latter of whom i believe officially transitioned a while after this song released #the jessica 6 logo being that highly feminized spider figure is also funny to me #because alun is a distillation of a much older oc cuideag #whose name means spider and has always been spider coded in their various incarnations sometimes literally #there are a few other contenders that i will probably slap on here if i haven't already... #dj alun's club mix tape #anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk #also also i love the thought of earth ending alun taking a liking to disco and nu disco for some reason #medieval ass d&d ass man hears a funky bassline for the first time and loses his mind a little

[hanzajesthanza]

“regis’ soul wasn’t present with the rest of the hanza’s ghosts at the end of lady of the lake, so that means he survived!”

or it could mean that regis never had a soul in the first place to be with the rest of the hanza’s in the afterlife

😐

#and perhaps they are separated forever in the afterlife. have you thought about that #listen to me carefully. having a depthful philosophical debate over the existence of the soul is what regis would have wanted #anyways everyone seems to see ‘regis comes back’ as their happy fix-it ending but have you considered that that means he would be #irrevocably separated from the rest of the hanza and the anguish they would all suffer over that #blood and wine geralt: wait you drink now?! | blood and wine regis: i had to start again like milva cahir and angoulême straight up died #100% philosophy 0% coping strategies #my favored fix-it personal headcanon is that vampires are made of whatever Power is made of… pure Chaos… #and the realm of souls resides within the realm of kaos so the hanza can be together but ‘regis’ is now just a disembodied voice #and it’s also debatable whether or not he exists because now he exists solely as a concept but because these souls remember him he exists #and this is all very fascinating and he is definitely going to examine this in depth #and unfortunately you cannot physically shut up a disembodied voice and concept. so um. enjoy your time together guys! #milva: regis is gone 🥺 NOOOOO | regis: i’m here i’m going to talk intellectually forever | milva: … never mind 😵‍💫 #txt #f: a hansa’s a hansa #c: regis #the witcher books

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

my new thing is obsessing over a funny little guy for a few months before moving onto another funny little guy

#random thoughts #first it was sans undertale then it was robert dream daddy #and now it's fnaf sunandmoon #my ideal fnaf sunandmoon fic which i will never write because that's where i draw the line #is one in which yn doesn't think sun and moon are. sentient. at first. #and by at first i mean for a large chunk of the story #like yeah he's a robot! he's a very sophisticated piece of ai of course he's gonna be lifelike #sun and moon are designed to learn and adapt and they can SEEM very human but it's important to remember they are not alive #but they still treat sun and moon decently because? why wouldn't they? #like sun and moon are constantly learning ai. it's important to model proper behavior so they know how they and others should act #specifically among freddy's staff! if sunandmoon don't know how staff SHOULD behave then they have no frame of reference #for what behavior should be reported or how sunandmoon are SUPPOSED to act around staff for maximum efficiency #if you get mad at the robot for being damaged and they're designed to entertain #they're not gonna want to tell you next time they get damaged and you can't just rely on scans and weekly examinations #because scans miss things and some damage is too severe to wait for their next examination #in an ideal setting you WANT the animatronics to be able to communicate openly with you because THEY are a tool for their OWN repair #THEY can recognize what is damaged VERY WELL #and if it's a software issue then you need to be able to read their BEHAVIOR. body language and shit #and if sunandmoon are CONSTANTLY ON EDGE AROUND STAFF you're not gonna be able to see a base body language to go off of #also constant stress is bad for machines. like running the same commands over and over again until overheating. bad for babey #and of COURSE they're gonna help around the daycare!!! THE DAYCARE ATTENDANT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A REPLACEMENT FOR HUMAN WORKERS #the daycare attendant is a GIMMICK. a NOVELTY. a TOOL meant for the use of the human daycare attendants #a forever playmate who remembers every detail about every child under their care? who never tires and isn't affected by cleaning chemicals? #they're so USEFUL! a supplement to the human daycare attendant! #like a swiss army knife of rainy day games and orange slices #it's a horrible shame the owners of the pizzaplex got cheap and stopped hiring human daycare attendants to save on labor #because the daycare attendant works best when they have someone else's behavior to model. otherwise it gets caught in a loop #which constantly degrades and simplifies. like recording a recording over and over again until all you can hear is white noise #of COURSE something bad was gonna happen! #and sunandmoon don't really have any opinion on this besides agreeing because they ARE an animatronic.

[pocketramblr]

srimptesting??? What does that mean??

It means I can't spell "shrimptesting"

#'what does shrimptesting mean' i.... don't know.... #i think one of my mutuals started saying it instead of inchresting and then i did too... #but i like to think it means I'm saying 'interesting' with the sort of tone that leaves you pretty sure I'm going to find something there #but there's still definitely the chance i will come up with a connection more like 'a shrimp fried this rice' #and if this seems like a particularly long or confusing explanation that is because i thought i was halfway through grading and i stopped to #count but i was only 75/265 done and ahahaha i have to get them all done before i can go to bed #but yeah you had very interesting story starters #i get mine and i get katydid's #but yours were different and i want to take apart the peices why #it's very likely next week when I'm on spring break i will go crazy and examine everyone's answers to the tag game #because there could be very cool stuff in there!! and i want to know!! #but for tonight i am dying and asking why the hell my grades are due two days before the end of the grading period... #pocket talks to people #boss the goofball

[lesbiansanemi]

Me wanting to read the locked tomb books cuz certain things about them do seem interesting to me vs never ever EVER wanting to read them out of sheer spite because of how fucking obnoxious and pretentious literally every single post I have ever seen about them on tumblr.com is and if they are even remotely anything like the way 90% of ppl talk about them I do not think I will like them and I’ll just be pissed off

#I have one friend who has read them #and their opinions differ from like everyone else’s I have ever seen #and they’re the only person I trust regarding them lmao sorry literally everyone on this webbed site is stupid when it comes to media #esp media that has been labeled ‘deep’ and ‘subversive’ and ‘revolutionary’ #sry personal 0 to 100 rage inducing pet peeve is ppl being annoying and pretentious FUCKS about pieces of media #and something about locked tomb seems to trigger that in a lot of y’all #I get the sense it will be a nge rgu dmcb moment for me again #where I was promised all these things about how amazing and groundbreaking it is #and I’ll be left feeling like I need to tear my hair out because you read something dunked in fifty billion unnecessary metaphors and with #needlessly confusing storytelling techniques and thought that made it High Art without examining it any further #and not accepting any criticism of it whatsoever cuz criticism apparently just means someone is too stupid to get it #anyways #kaz rambles

[leatherbookmark]

wish people would stop randomly interrupting me to add in haha funny jokes when i'm talking

#i guess i just have a very bullyable aura. #like i was complaining about how tomorrow i basically have a 6 hour window to eat due to how my Examinations are scheduled #or rather i was About to say that before my mother interrupted me with “so you're going to have to eat non-stop for six hours!” #no. no #like i just don't understand what is it about me talking that makes people convinced it's the best moment for trying to be funny #which again it might be my fault but tbh it does make me feel like people just don't care about what i have to say. and by extension #about me as a person because no one ever seemed to notice my lack of hearty laughter so to speak. and if they had it was because they #perceived my reaction as Mean and Rude and You Should Learn To Control Yourself And Be Nicer. #anyway. this is probably why i don't really have friends #shrimp thoughts

[warblingandwriting]

I truly think The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie is one of (if not the) best antifascist texts out there because it doesn't just say 'this is what fascism is' or 'fascism is bad' it explores the material way fascistic thinking affects the people forced to live with/around those who adhere to it even in an ostensibly not fascist country. And how easy it is for people with otherwise progressive beliefs (feminism-for instance) to fall into fascistic thinking, and further, indeed how easily anyone can fall into fascistic thinking, without even realizing it, if it is what they are taught.

#books #reading #my thoughts #my writing #classic novels #The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie #Muriel Spark #like it makes you (sort of) like this woman is seemingly pushing back against tradition #and advocating for art to be taught #and then she talks about how much she loves mussolini #and you go 'oh shit' #because you didn't even notice something that seems that seems obvious going through it again #it makes you examine yourself in a way that I think a lot of other texts with similar messaging don't

[sunnydice]

man.

#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and #to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but #its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him #the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique #or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like #a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily #and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v #goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil #but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism #its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual #full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out #its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how #ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over' #sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt #it is an inconvenience for you llol #and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and. #eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose #its just bein parroted ik i get it but #am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned #ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first #idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows #but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad #the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it #idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone #and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally #huri.txt #discourse #<- ig

[starscreaming666]

Looking back on Detroit become human in the wake of the ai craze is like. The most morbidly funny thing to me One of these days I have to write something on how the story of that game just gets HORRIFYING when you view it through a (more) modern lens. Man

#This definitely isn't an original thought but as someone who devoted way more time than I should've to dbh #I just wanna share what's going on in me brain #Like. About dbh #Horrible racism allegory aside. A corporation creating robots meant to replace human workforces while like. People still have to rely on #Employment to uh. Survive. Is genuinely a terrifying nightmare scenario and the thing that's funny to me is dbh just doesn't seem to know #This. Like at all #It doesn't even. Like I don't remember it taking a second to reckon with the way the working class is forced to interact with the world #And how introducing what we're seeing in 2023 (ai being used to replace artists in most cases) on a mass scale is just. Unfathomably evil #And the game doesn't examine like. The corporation behind all of this at all. Like Cyberlife (from what I remember. Which isn't much) is #Effectively PASSIVE in the game. It's just like. Neutral robots and good humans vs EVIL humans who uh. Don't want to be homeless. I guess #Like you're not gonna even. Say a word. About the company willing to let this happen. Like this game has hundreds of scenarios and not a #Single thing that examines how a corporation effectively sentencing people to death for money is fucked up #You don't even need to incriminate the androids for this one man. #I don't know :) like there's a lot wrong with the game but it gets so much worse looking at it now #My thoughts are so disjointed man I just have words floating in me head that bounce into each other sometimes #Sorry about the rant! I'm scared of making this an actual post so it's tags now #Dbh #I think that was my tag for Detroit posts. I just want to sort it :') #rant in tags #Hope everyone's having a good day! :3 I'm sitting here thinking about robots :)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

fascinating lens on taylor's goings on in s6 there re: Romance. epic win that they have rian turn them down but i'm also really not sure why they did. oh you know, rian who's always defined by being so prudent [montage of actually pretty much everything seemingly defining rian has been pretty anti prudent] like ok w/e

but we start out with taylor Particularly Unmotivated By Work and instead watching a The Bachelor beach proposal which involves extasis through this Reality(tm) pastiche of romance. i am assuming. wherein the journey Ends with this transcendent all-consuming joy upon the realization of said Romance for one contestant. then when their somehow still bestie mafee (relevant tangents about how all taylor's relationships seem to involve their having an approach where they have low standards like "well but i guess this is all i can get / expect" including that they can't even necessarily expect shit they like/enjoy/are at all supported by, while readily accepting whatever blame/reproach from others) is like "gee but are you really happy" they're apparently inspired to pursue happiness by pursuing romance. which they seem to consider is possible only through rian, intriguing here when the entire basis of their dynamic seems to be [trapped in work hell together] like boy we have nothing outside our jobs? i sure hope we can be Everything to each other then :) and how it's even more baffling that rian is completely unbaffled by this development when you might operate on some assumptions like "you should have ever seemed to enjoy any interactions you've ever had" to consider choosing more vulnerability and more time / effort spent on this relationship, and "you also don't need to have Found Fault with someone / otherwise have some grievances or dislike of them to not want to date them" especially if rian's apparent sense of responsibility for taylor's theoretical negative feelings about rejection supposedly doesn't involve thinking about any power dynamics, she just feels the need to repeatedly reassure them she'd actually Love to date or have sex but she's just so set on not dating through work, b/c of the complications, that she's never considered not having casual sex with bosses and also never mentioned this stance to turn down winston nor done anything but revel in how he might feel about even being rejected as a conversational partner. too prudent to mention it. certainly also a relevant matter that it Need Not Be Explained to anyone that winston for one is excluded as a potential Romantic partner for pretty much everyone i guess. whilest as this potential mirror to taylor, he's not only considering specifically rian w/"we're similar; let's hang out; i'd like to have sex maybe even" (though winston's sexuality, like his communicative capacities, is also simply Not Allowed) but also seems to be like "i guess this is all i can get / expect" or hanging on for a long time to the possibility of Otherwise at his own expense or taking blame / whatever pretty egregious treatment like. taylor being willing to talk to wendy still is akin to winston still being willing to talk to rian. though maybe that's changed by the end of s6; it'd be very warranted after the pretty make or break [rian & winston Share An Interest; hang out outside work about it] moment there and also after Everything Else on its own, just like how it'd be very warranted if taylor expecting Nothing Better from wendy could turn into their hardly being willing to interact

anyways, sure is fortunate for taylor (or is it???) that Work becomes more enriching for them suddenly, and through someone with whom they have this promising personal dynamic with, a Peer with whom, in fact, they do both seem to find reward in interacting with each other / want and choose to do so, imagine, while [reiterating for emphasis]: they are both finding reward in interacting and feeling Complementary rather than only seeing exactly themself in each other, while having this respect for each other and flexibility and knowing they don't Have to work together, and may not always be doing so.

but most to the point it sure is something that the season starts off with taylor being dissatisfied with their work situation and responding by not being at work and instead watching people be overjoyed about their (also, relevantly, Peak Normal Correct Cishet) romance, though they don't outright claim to straightforwardly enjoy this. then they Do outright claim to us repeatedly, if ever begrudgingly, that everything rian does is worthy &/or sympathetic (and totally comprehensible and consistent so as to believably retain any sense of Character....) while every time they interact, it's a business meeting and one or both of them is unhappy about some part of it. but then once taylor's asked to think about their happiness Beyond Work they apparently are simply motivated to go ask someone out, and it may as well be rian For Lack Of A Better Option really, but then there's the wrench of "for some reason rian is unsurprised and not at all put off by this, or even just somewhat confused" and "for some reason rian's like 'sorry but no. fr im soooo sorry'" with these perspectives of [happiness Outside Work = romance] and [someone deemed Objectively Worthy = you'd of course at least consider romance, or else you must think actually they're Unworthy in some way, or have some more general Reason you'd reject others categorically in just the same way] (rian rejecting winston for unworthiness so much that she doesn't even need to bother actually telling him as much; rejecting taylor for [i don't date through work] with followups to reassure them it's Not the unworthiness) (that on and off paper winston & taylor have no reason to not be kissing but i think we can assume that won't happen, b/c billions itself may also assume we understand that [winston is unworthy] is just true. &/or that anyone Worthy understands as much)

so hoping that taylor has Some kind of enriching lasting relationship with philip, truly, which was the hopes for winston and rian but the updated hope is his enriching lasting disengagement with rian, f

#winston billions #AND rian having some of the worst material re: sex billions has ever inflicted upon us. impressive. sorry to this character #(and like.................has she Not prior had casual sex through work while she's been willing to do so / hasn't had nights & weekends??) #that makes no sense either. it's for winston's sake i'm glad she hasn't tried to be fwb there #wouldn't it be fun if we got s7 genderfluid rian. but we won't. fr it's like....why'd we get this character at all lmao #would've made more sense if she left at the end of s6 too. while the best thing we've gotten is taylor getting to further distinguish #themself from axe in of course good ways. the associated [philip seems so much more like A Character than rian despite also being new] #difficult to work in ''rian would be abusive towards winston if they were dating b/c she Already Is as (sometimes) work friends'' when #another issue is that rian's material isn't really being Examined when every character can only remark abt how cool & correct she always is #ultimately; at least....taylor you caaan't actually be mad at rian; gotta be some Other issue you're having bad feelings about.... #that winston being introduced so peripherally it was meant to be a oneoff & while (as viewed by other characters) being Incorrect and #Unsympathetic has created the conditions for someone who does end up w/this stronger sense of Being A Character #he's even autistic....while rian is adhd and hostile like ''at least i'm allistic and meritous'' #like yes i Will talk to you more than others maybe but offscreen & i Will also be bullying you b/c i am willing to and i certainly can. #dunno what to say about winston and tuk b/c we've still seen so relatively little & idk what we'll get for winston in s7 #that it's will's updated foul play website bio that Confirms he'll be in s7 at all; but i'm still not supposing he'll def get more than an #episode or two or w/e. or i suppose he could be sent off & return; they're still in production mode over there after all #i would really doubt canon would give us that romance but it would be....i dunno. earthshaking really lol haven't given it the most thought #canon might also think that would be insulting to tuk or something.... #or say As Much w/that continual threat of ''improving'' winston by making him Choose to be more normal now (: #everyone's always giving him the organic aba (abuse) either way but umm the Least you could do would be absorb it & Stop Bringing It Upon #Yourself....still supposing it's possible that their being Friends is considered to be dragging tuk back / dooming him to Loserdom #but as or more likely: he got to talk to tuk in the last ep to get him out of the way. it will never get focus #oh i went off track up there: finishing the thought to say i suppose it's assumed rian would not be shitty towards taylor like she would be #towards winston b/c they're Worthier; not supposedly inferior to her even as winston is considered to be #hence that rian Can give winston shit whenever she wants but just so happens to Not be that way towards anyone else. makes you think #mfw i run out of room writing on one page abt cam stone like ''i could've been more clearly relationship anarchist with it :(''

[wildpokemon]

if one of the characters is queer then it isn’t queerbaiting.................................

#st4 #st4 spoilers #st #st spoilers #im not even that into stranger things tbh #but im getting REAL annoyed about how people are talking about will in this season #acting like his representation is somehow marred just because mike doesnt like him back?? hello?? #yeah they havent outright had will say hes gay but it seems pretty damn clear to me thats bc he doesnt WANT to say it to anyone?? #and thats perfectly reasonable????? #i keep seeing comments talking about how the writers 'used' will as fodder to make mike and el seem stronger #and i just. what show have you been watching?? the scene where will shows mike the drawing is SUPPOSED to be heartbreaking #because the writers want us to SYMPATHIZE with him!!! if they were 'using' him as queerbait then it would have been written in #a way where his emotions werent acknowledged by the audience and his entire arc would be shoved aside #but theyve dont the OPPOSITE of that by having jonathan see and then comfort him #will's queerness is very much evident and being examined in the show and yeah it isnt always gonna be positive because thats how life is #AND just narratively mike and el's romance has been central to the show from the beginning and if you thought mike was suddenly #gonna drop el especially after that love argument at the beginning of the season then i ask again what show have you been watching?? #because that makes NO NARRATIVE SENSE #mike and will's friendship has ALSO been central since the beginning and their friendship is what will is prioritizing now and i think that #makes sense. i also expect their friendship and will's feelings will be more addressed in the last season bc it definitely feels like it's #building up to something and that will will be a focus next season so it'll all come together imo #anyway lmao the season certainly wasnt perfect but overall i thought it was good fun and it got me emotional a few times #enjoyed it a lot more than s3 for sure #stranger things spoilers #stranger things #x

[roylustang]

oh shit I just remembered it’s september my Fitness Journey is 3 years old now

#i remember in the 5 years between when I last stopped running and then started exercising again #I thought to myself ‘man one day I’m gonna have to pay for eating like shit and sitting around for 5 years’ #I am paying up but who thought I’d enjoy it so much #I did think back to that time 3 years ago #when I tried running and I couldn’t even get like half a mile #that seems unfathomable to me now #also thought back to when running 8 miles made me so tired I had to take a nap #I can do that on a whim I did that today and then I went grocery shopping #running 8-10 miles every weekend gave me hip bursitis #old me is no fucking match for the me I am now #that bitch couldn’t run 25 miles/week without getting injured #I eat 25 miles/week for brEAKFAST #sometimes u gotta take a step back 2 really examine how far you’ve come #running

[mildswearingat4am]

Something else I’ve been workin on lately is like, not immediately dismissing sad and frustrated and bitter thoughts as pointless

Like, there’s a lot of messages telling you that life is just hard, everyone’s got problems, suck it up, think positive. And I think it’s kind of led me to ignore when I get angry or frustrated, because it feels like that’s unproductive. Why dwell on negatives, you know?

Because I’m absolutely goddamn right is why, and actually it helps to remember that.

“This feels bad” yeah it does!!

“Things shouldn’t be this hard” no they should not!!

“It’s so easy for other people, why can’t I do it like they do” babe that’s the mental illness. That’s why u got diagnosed with Normal Things Are Hard For You disorder. There literally is a difference between you and them, and it’s not “making excuses” to acknowledge and accomodate it.

#babbling moth #something something the validation of stepping back and recognizing that there is a war in ba sing se #the reason normal things feel like a fight is that They Are!! ur not a failure u just got symptoms syndrome #school is back in session and since a huge part of my anxiety is school-related it is A Time #... also this may be off base but like #anyone else feel like anxiety is kind of downplayed in life n media n shit? #seems like the common understanding of it is. lil thing everyone has sometimes. not a big serious problem that affects every part of ur life #like on job apps n govt stuff it's literally listed as a disability but i can't even imagine identifying as diabled bc i'd feel like a fraud #these are't super well-examined thoughts so i may be wrong but it's like. my gut feelings yknow #that part of the reason i struggle to take my own problems seriously is that they're commonly thought of as nbd #anyway!! never mind all that #im just working through some shit in a tag rant #hang on lemme find some cool art to reblog n we can all move on and forget this. cool? cool

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[skrunksthatwunk]

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there

#how do i tell her she needs to break up with him immediately. posthaste.fuck it funny post over rant incoming tw emotional abuse i think #nyarla dni #(<- roomie and nyarla have met and i don't wanna air roomie's drama to ppl who know her w/o her consent. anon internet ppl only) #listen i'm normally for gentle advising and that's probably what i'll do since i don't want to stress her out but oh my fucking god what is #his problem. he's constantly putting her in these weird no-win situations where the only right answer is to never be upset or disagree or b #wrong on accident or be misunderstood by him and to tell him everything she's feeling so she's not 'playing mind games' but if she says wha #she's feeling he'll interrogate her and badger her with the same questions over and over again insisting she's unreasonable until she gives #in and says she's sorry with an attitude he likes. i fucking don't like him. and a lot of this is observations from today. the day after sh #GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND BROKE HER NECK. WHAT THE FUCK. #it's like he expects to be treated like a king on one of the worst days of her life and when she's upset he's like OH. OH I GET IT. #and lectures her on having attitude and taking things out on others when she's literally not even doing that. not to an extent that matters #anyway. like. there's more productive ways of dealing with that. where you don't treat them like a bad kid for getting overwhelmed #he has made her cry multiple times today. i have been around multiple arguments and fights and he's just genuinely. awful i hate him #hell the first argument i overheard *i* was in tears by the end (luckily they left soon after bc i had to run to the basement laundry #dungeon to bawl my eyes out because 1. i can't handle confrontation 2. i've never seen roomie cry and 3. she just seemed so hurt and tired) #anyway he just left again after a fight because. god this is so dumb. she told him to move while they were sleeping in the same twin bed #(remember she's in a neck brace) and he fucking. left the room for an HOUR bc he thought the only thing that could POSSIBLY mean (as he #insisted) was for him to get out of here and then when she was like oh hey i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that he decided to spend the nex #half hour of his short time on this earth chewing her out for not giving him a lengthy explanation while half-asleep as to like. why he #needed to move (she wanted to grab smth) and apparently he sat in the chair by her bed for like 10 mins before leaving so he probably saw #her fall back asleep. and then he got pissy when after he left she didn't pick up her phone when he was calling her? even though he knew sh #was asleep?? she didn't even know he was gone. fucking. i need to get him away from my roomie YESTERDAY #look. miscommunication happens. i'm not saying he's an asshole for wanting things said clearly. i am pro-saying what you mean. #but if every time your gf tells you what she means you make it into a 30 minute lecture (no matter how small the slight and w/o examining i #you're actually right or not) she's not gonna wanna fucking tell you if she doesn't think it's worth the argument. especially if you never #let her rest until she concedes. apology isn't enough. clarification isn't enough. she has to say how wrong she was and beg and GOD. UGHHH #and he's always on about how she hurts his feelings. a gust of wind could hurt his feelings. he's constantly berating her manipulating her #and then he's like >:( see that hurt my feelings you can't hurt ppl's feelings. you're disrespectful. HE"S THE WORST I FUCKING HATE HIM #look sometimes adversity reveals the truth of a person and this just amplified his shittiness so much. mr OH i slept in a HOSPITAL and it #was so bad... you can't be in a bad mood bc i've been doing the bare minimum and you need to prioritize MY feelings rn. also i won't leave

[lazi4ss]

That's Not My Milkman

masterlist

Warning: slight gore but not that detailed, doppleganger Francis

Gender neutral reader

(NOT MY ART, I FORGOT WHOS TIKTOK THIS IS FROM BUT CREDITS TO YOU!)

"So... Is everything in check?"

A tired voice mumbled out as your eyes trailed up from the ID and entry request in your hands to the source of the sound. Tired hazel eyes stared back at you as Francis rubbed the back of his neck.

You felt bad, here you were double and triple-checking everything while the exhausted and probably underpaid milkman was there standing and waiting to be let in. But it's for everyone's safety so don't feel too bad. You gave a small smile as you handed back his paperworks. Everything seems to check out and you were going to let him in but... what's that on his uniform sleeve?

You squinted your eyes as you scanned the cuff of his right sleeve. His gaze travelled to where you were looking and with a shrug of his shoulders he lifted his hand to give you a clear view. And it is in fact blood, and by the looks of it, quite fresh too. How come you didn't notice it before?

You raised an eyebrow, one hand slowly inching closer to the danger button as you tried to be subtle and casual about it. Because what the heck? He was confident enough to show you something so suspicious without batting an eye.

"Sooo... Uhm. Anything you want to share?"

You casually asked, yet nervousness was laced in your tone. He sighed, keeping his composed and nonchalant act as put his hand down, burying it in his pocket as he dragged his free hand on his face. If he's a doppelganger then he's really going the extra mile to act or seem believable.

"Mmm. I know you're on edge."

He mumbled, gaze traveling from your hand that was ready to press the danger button to your face. Staring a little too long as he examined your features. You got a very pretty face yet it was filled with mistrust. Shame. Catching himself, he quietly scoffed under his breath. Good job Francis, already had the doorperson suspicious of you.

"But this is not what it looks like. I injured my hand earlier with a broken glass, blood must've gotten on my uniform accidentally."

He finished, not breaking the staring contest you two have started. You don't quite seem to believe that story, but it was plausible. There was a tense silence for a while before you broke it.

"Show me your wound."

You requested and again, another tense silence. He didn't look like he was going to comply. Just you and him staring down at each other. No one backing down and tearing their eyes away.

"... Fuck."

He quietly hissed and that was enough confirmation for you. You pressed the button immediately, grabbing the phone as you dialed the D.D.D. A familiar voice on the other end confirms and tells you that agents are on their way.

You sighed in relief, although that didn't last long as you heard banging on the glass pane separating you and the doppelganger. Thank God those were strong enough to withhold the assaults. You should've been shaking in your seat right now, and you were albeit not so intense, but it was the first time you came across the quiet and aloof milkman's doppel.

Hell, it was the first time you even saw Francis up front, not just out of the picture in the folder provided for your job. Out of curiosity, you raised the metal shutters to take a peek at it. And what greeted you was a snarling, red-eyed Francis. His features twisted in rage as he banged on the glass repeatedly.

"Let me in, Y/n!"

He growled, to which you shut the metal blinds again on his face in response as you heard the agents barge in. You thought it would be like last time, after a while they would let you know that the cleanup was successful and that they would be on their way back. Easy peasy, right? Oh how wrong you were. Turns out, this one was putting up quite a fight.

You could hear shouting, a lot of screaming, and the sound of something sharp slashing at flesh. Wet sounds of people gurgling in what you presumed to be their own blood... That was disturbing. You were almost too scared to pull up the shutters to see what was going on. But suddenly the noises stopped. Did they catch him? Was it finally over?

With shaking hands, you pressed the danger button off. The blinds slowly ascended and holy shit, the sight was like something out of a nightmare. It was straight up a blood bath. The agents' bodies were piled on the right side. Some missing their heads, missing their upper or lower half, and others' stomachs were ripped out and just generally shredded and torn. But that wasn't what you saw first.

It was Francis, or well, his doppelganger, with blood splattered on his clothes and a little getting on his cheek. His forearm was resting on the glass as he leaned. His mouth opened and formed a smirk as he panted, breathing heavily while glaring at you. His left hand fiddled with the blood-drenched tie on his neck.

If he wasn't a murderous doppelganger, you would've swooned. But alas, you can't have nice things in life. You blinked at him before pressing the button again,

"Wait- damn it!"

He called out but the windows were closed off again as you dialed the number quickly. Yet again, the same old thing was said, another batch of agents were dispatched. You waited, fidgeting in your seat as you heard him call out to you.

"Come on... I'm sorry Y/n, I didn't mean to frighten you. Can you open the door?"

He tried to coax you with that voice... That smooth and deep voice that sounded so tired, on the verge of begging you... Wait what-

You shook your head, patting your cheeks lightly because what the hell was that? Such intrusive thoughts are not welcome while your life's in danger!

More screaming and shouting was heard as the agents arrived and you could tell they were much more prepared than the last batch. Gunshots can be heard but another animalistic growl pulled you out of your thoughts. Everything went silent again. You stay rooted on your spot as the only thing that can be heard in the air is your quivering gasps and heavy breathing on the other side of the glass panel.

Is he still there? You thought as you turned off the danger button again. More bodies were piled up on the left corner and surprise surprise, he was still alive, albeit in a rougher shape than previously. He wasn't wearing his milkman hat anymore, letting his brown messy hair show. His uniform was missing three buttons at the top, slightly showing his chest, bowtie was nowhere to be found.

He was still drenched in blood but what stunned you was what he was doing. His form raised and dropped as he inhaled and exhaled heavily, tired hazel eyes staring back at you as his eyebrows scrunched up. His hands pressed together in a pleading manner. Is he actually begging?

"Y/n, let me in... Please?"

#thats not my neighbor #tnmn #francis mosses #milkman #francis mosses x reader #milkman x reader #x reader