#this system of care isn’t care at all

[fleetstreetpies]

Gentle reminder that you need MOOD STABILIZERS for shit like bipolar and that you need to push for adequate care if your needs aren’t being listened to properly

I’ve literally had to push for adequate advice and care because my psychiatrist wants to say I only experience depressive symptoms when I’ve expressly told her about my seriously bad periods of irrational high moods (usually a mix of shockingly good humor and serious anger that can’t be quelled) as well as increases in severe anxiety, insomnia, and constantly doing things and making irrational decisions during these periods. I’ve ruined beautiful relationships and lost friends during these periods. This can be like a two week bender without any drugs or alcohol or anything.

This is not depression. Like those massive changes from “I’m literally the scum of the earth and do not deserve anything at all” to “I’m god and I don’t care who knows it and I can prove it to you by way of my decisions (that will turn out horribly later)” is not fucking depression.

And I’ve been trying to talk to all my care providers (doctors, psychiatrist, etc.) about the fact that even though the severe depressive episodes are somewhat relieved by my current treatment plan (like just a bit less severe than before), something is still not right and I literally am unable to handle when I’m not depressed either. The upswings are actually WAY worse than the depression itself.

And don’t get me started on the shit I hear and see coming in and out of my upswings. It’s scary because the walls literally fucking melt around me. I’m experiencing people with no faces and no recognizable voices when I look at people. Like where those things should be is distortion and blur. It’s terrifying.

I’m not self-diagnosing as bipolar or whatever because some people will get mad, but based on my monitoring of my own symptoms and literally years of research while I haven’t been getting adequate care so I can push for better help, I’m pretty fucking sure I have bipolar disorder with psychotic features. And I’m not getting the right care and the medication I’m on for depression (sertraline/Zoloft) is probably making a lot of my shit worse.

So yeah I’m mad. I’m very mad at the clear and obvious medical misogyny happening because I’m AFAB. I had to fight for SEVEN YEARS to even get a depression diagnosis, even though I’d shown symptoms of severe depression or at least depressive episodes since I was SIX. And my concerns and those of my parents (whom I hate for other reasons) got ignored for years.

I had to fight to even get a misdiagnosis so I could fight to open the door to an actually correct diagnosis at all. Do you see how utterly fucked up that is? Having to fight to go through even the wrong course of treatment to have a chance at getting the right diagnosis or treatment?? Let alone that people who need it can’t even get it at all??

Kids are perceptive as fuck. They don’t always have words for things but like… they know. And they try to communicate it. I knew something was wrong. Something still IS wrong.

So folks, let this rant tell you three things:

The way we go about psychiatric treatment is really fucking ineffective because at least in my experience it doesn’t fully take into account the concerns and symptoms of the patients and their families

Medical misogyny is such a real problem that it still prevents women/AFAB people, especially AFAB people of color, from getting the care and help they need and DESERVE.

Sometimes you have to scream and make noise and say “LISTEN THE FUCK UP” and there’s ways of going about it that but like sometimes you’re fighting to even be heard.

#no but seriously #something has to give #i hate it i hate it i hate it #i hate my brain #I also hate medical professionals and mental health professionals #this system of care isn’t care at all #Styx rambles #mental health matters

[badnew2005]

SUNNY IS A LOVE STORY @badnew2005

Lighthousekeeping, Jeanette Winterson | @boymiffy | @maccymacdonald | Rob McRlhenney, Philadelphia style | Is the Cast of Always Sunny Irredeemable? ceicocat | True Blue, boygenius | @dennisboobs | @starpeace | @chilledmac | @bitseventimes | Rat A Tat, Fall Out Boy | Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia (2005-)

#okaaayyyyyyyy #just gonna post not gonna mill about like oooh it’s not good it’s not proper I DONT CARE . i know know knowwwwwwwa there’s loads iv missed #but . first posts i could find when looking sunny is a love story #tumblrs tagging system isn’t good And Neither Is Mine #iasip #sunny is a love story #so yeah idk if you’ve ever heard me say this but um. sunny is a love story #the gang #macden #web weaving #again i feel so so so awkward tagging ppl but like !!!! i used ur posts !!!!! it’s nothing it’s chill it’s casual it’s WHATEVER #i put The Origin of sunny is a love story post in like she’s worded soooo badly the grammar is all over the place it was a I NEED TO #SCREAM AND TELL EVERYONE IVE JUST DISCOVERED THAT SUNNY IS A LIVE STORY #i only took like an hour on this it’s a cute little practice of posting :) #iv just edited and added on the lov ewas there it was in th eoriginal draft idk how it got lost

[pixelatedraindrops]

RAINCODE 4KOMA COMIC PROJECT

This is another project that I'm currently working on with @kazinsblog! We adore makoyuma and they're our number one faves.

So we decided to make a little 4koma style side special of Kazin's mini series "The Kanai Ward Case Files"

This intro is the only normal comic in this story.

Prologue: Flu season hits worldwide, and Makoto calls Yuma one day and gives him the warning. Yuma notices his congested voice so he wants to head to to Kanai Ward to check on him. But meanwhile, Yuma is trying his best to hold his cough as he talks on the line. Only to suffer the fit after Makoto hangs up. He isn't well either.

When Yuma arrives in Kanai Tower finding Makoto completely disheveled and passed out at his work desk, he ushers the stuffy CEO to bed. The two were shown pushing themselves while being sick alone. But now that they're together, these stubborn workaholics will finally rest and break from their duties in order to take care of each other. (for the most part anyway)

further information below

Of course since I'm involved in this project, they're obviously not going to be doing well... XD But this story is going to be a lot more fun and lighthearted than others I have written. (It's essentially written in a silly sick filler episode of a cartoon kind of vibe) meaning less whump, and more sick comfort and hilarity. There may be a few somewhat whumpy ones here and there (I can't resist) but it won't be as common.

Full Story Summary:

This RainCode fan side story revolves around slice of life comedy 4koma style strips with scenes of Yuma and Makoto being sick together and spending time with each other in Kanai Tower for about a week or two. They both have different halves of cold symptoms, Yuma with throat based, and Makoto with nasal based. (hence the title) Various cute and wacky stuff happen between the two and their bond grows stronger spending this time off together away from their duties as detective and CEO. They may be sick and miserable, but at least they're in it together! What could possibly go wrong?

The comic strips will be drawn by Kazin, but there will be some bonus art that the two of us will work on together (similar to the title which was a collab by us both)

Also, both of us agreed that these strips should be posted on my blog rather than Kazin's. Reason being is that this story is based on illness and my blog is half an illness blog so it makes more sense to share it to mine. You all likely expect this sort of thing from me at this point anyway… XD (I’m also the director so I write the descriptions of them.)

And this series will continue to be ongoing so long as Kazin and I have ideas. (we currently have almost 100 strips planned)

I will update this in separate posts whenever more strips get fully digitally drawn by Kazin whenever she can work on them. With the tag #kanaiwardcasefiles h&h. Some strips will be random, some will be two parters, and some will have a timeline or are connected to others.

We both hope you look forward to this project! There will be a lot of funny and cute moments between these two, so we hope you makoyuma enjoyers are excited!

Also bit of a fun fact: This was inspired by when my mother and I had covid late April 2024. Something similar happened to us, and we each had one cold-like symptom more than the other. (her with coughing and me with congestion) So I thought of this idea for these two!

#whumpcode #rain code #master detective archives: rain code #rain code spoilers #master detective archives spoilers #yuma kokohead #makoto kagutsuchi #makoyuma #pixelprojects #art collab #comic collab #kanaiwardcasefiles h&h #sick comfort #illness whump #yeah another project is anybody shocked? xD #kazin and I have had this on the brain since late last month #the idea of one caring for the other is nice and all #but what if they BOTH went through it and had to care for eachother? #the perfect reason to take a break from their hard work :3c #ofc with their weak immune system they both get sick during flu season haha #also them having separate symptoms is just funny #both have the same disease but different symptoms #i like to think the penalty of having one half missing means the other gets AMPLIFIED 😈 #thats just a fun concept and it works for these two x3 #now this isn’t canon so don’t take it too seriously!! #its just for fun! we’re just playing around! x3c #its the exact opposite of AHR… x’D #but yeah it’ll get updated whenever more get done #theres no exact date so just be patient and expect the unexpected!! #making the title was so fun!! >w<

[chryblossomjjk]

#literally this #extremely sad how adhd isn’t recognized n severely underdiagnosed in women #only got diagnosed w it n other things as an adult #n now it’s much harder to develop coping mechanisms but #we move lol #a win is a win #so if u guys are ever wondering why kiki rambles about bs that nobody cares about #n then over thinks n deletes all posts #or is v sensitive #n takes forever to yield any fic bc never satisfied w work #✨adhd brain✨ #also friends #gentle reminder to pls advocate for yourself #like you know your body and mind more than anyone #and if you feel like something is lacking or you need help #pls push for it #bc sometimes the healthcare system is #yk #but yeah #it’s super scary but there’s also so much relief in receiving a diagnosis #like you made it this far without knowing #the only thing that changes once you receive the diagnosis is that you have more access to tools than you’ve ever had maybe #yeah #anyways #love you all #n i hope you’re happy and healthy #n i hope you have a support system #and if you don’t currently you will in the future #if you ever need to talk or anything #im here

[queer-reader-07]

it is so vitally important to me that aziraphale and crowley not only love each other but choose to love each other.

i don’t want it to be fate. i don’t want it to be god’s will. i want it to be a conscious and continuous choice.

i want aziraphale choosing every day of his goddamn existence to love crowley and all that he is. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley not in spite of being a demon, but because he is a demon. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley’s curiosity and creative wonder. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley’s love of plants and gardening.

i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s passion for books. i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s desire to do things the human way even if he could just miracle it. i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s angel-ness because it is a fundamental part of him.

i want aziraphale choosing to love everything about crowley and vise versa. and i want it to be a very conscious and intentional choice.

it being fate negates the entire point of the story. good omens is a love story between an angel and a demon, yes. but that’s not all that it is. it’s a story about two occult/ethereal beings who choose humanity over the great plan. two beings who choose the world over armageddon. and they make those choices because despite it all they have chosen to fall in love with the world and with humanity.

it only makes sense that they choose each other. that they choose their love. it being fate or god’s will ruins the foundational pillar of their relationship. that they choose each other over and over and over again. year after year, century after century, time and time again. they always choose. they choose the arrangement, they choose saving the other from harm, they choose lying to protect the other.

it is always a choice. and it better stay a choice or i am going to be so devastated.

#look i’m good with most anything for s3 #as long as they end up in the south downs & hug at least once i will be happy #but this is one thing that isn’t necessarily a need but more like a deep rooted desire that will break me if not met #like if it’s all ‘haha this was god’s plan all along’ i will be so upset #disappointed even #because neil can do better than that #he’s a better writer than that #not to mention it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the story #like i understand how it’s fun to play around with ‘they were made for each other’ #but i really want them to choose each other despite everything #because if i’m being honest it’s one of the things about aziracrow that feels fundamentally queer #to say ‘yeah fuck that’ to what the systems in power tell you you should act like #or who you should love and care for #and instead say ‘i choose this’ ‘i choose you’ to the people and things that actually fulfill you #that is powerful and that is foundational to queerness and queer liberation in my opinion #it’s not about fate or being made for whatever #it’s saying ‘i don’t care if it’s fate or the divine plan or not. it just is and you can’t change the fact that it simply /is/.’ #and maybe that’s just me #but it sure as hell makes sense in my mind #good omens #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #good omens 2 #ineffable wives #neil gaiman #good omens meta #aziracrow meta #gomens meta

[lucky-clover-gazette]

no offense but if people split the vote and get trump elected again after the same fucking thing happened in 2016 it’s going to be my final straw

#i expect the evil people to do evil. #but when the people who want to be decent #who CARE about preventing harm #choose to abstain from performing a civic duty even if it is far from ideal #that’s what makes it hopeless for me #i see those goddamn posts going around and can already anticipate the way these sentiments could manifest and it makes me sick #it ALL makes me sick. and for the most part i don’t think this is an appropriate or productive platform on which to discuss it #but this is about choices we have to make. if you have a tumblr account and you’re american there’s a high chance you are eligible to vote. #fucking. grow up. and play the two party system game because it’s what we have and it isn’t goddamn changing before 2024

[pacificgasandelectric]

having some Thoughts N Feelings abt elrond & elros + the historical practice of rulers taking children from the families of their tributaries or even their (nominal) allies as hostages

primarily that (1) the Politics of the Fëanorions having the heirs of Fingolfin AND Thingol AND All Three of the Three Houses as their hostages is like… soooo overlooked and underutilized in the fanworks I’ve seen

and (2) i think it would be rlly funny and also fucked-up if most elves are Totally Scandalized And Horrified by this Weird Human Behavior of “hostage-taking” if/when they see it happening in the second & third ages as human settlements & societies in M-E grow & develop, while Elrond is just like, “this is Normal, what are you Talking about”

#mine #silm #like the story can’t Not be informed by that practice/history to some degree but it’s also a weird fucked-up edge case bc like #at the point when m&m have e&e it’s like. the Entirety of their close family is either dead or absent or absent and Presumably dead #so e&e are functioning less as incentive for their immediate family to act a certain way & more as an all-purpose deterrent #to aggression or retaliation against the fëanorians by any remaining sindarin or noldorin forces who take issue with all the Crimes. #anyways it’s Vital to me that elrond (and elros too) be a Little Bit Feral and have just the Slightest weirdness about him #in terms of his expectations for How Stuff Works—bc there’s no way he’s getting out of his Canonical Early Life w/out being a BIT fucked up #(elros is equally Weird ftr but the atani don’t care as much bc they’re more adaptable than elves and also elros is The Literal King #so there’s nobody of high enough rank to judge him overtly and also i think the numenoreans are like His Weirdness Is Our Weirdness #ALSO also i think early numenor should have a patronage/fosterage system within the nobility that isn’t Officially inspired by All That #but isn’t NOT inspired by it either. which is yet another thing that could come full circle and develop (back) into being #more traditional hostage-taking For Assurance Of Loyalty And Good Behavior as the years wear on and numenor gets corrupted. anyways) #for the record i fall in the middle on the hostage-taking reaction spectrum. i think it’s fucked up to a degree but i also Understand it #as a political tool and i think i’m more forgiving/accepting of it than ur average second- or third-age elf would be #so i think elrond’s blasé reaction (which i have made up) is like. indicative that he does still have some Issues in terms of like #conceptualizing personal relationships and family ones & recognizing that uh being removed from ur family and raised #by their political ‘enemies’ may in fact have Certain (Negative) Emotional Impacts on ppl. (possibly bc he doesn’t Want to think abt it) #(bc that would force him to do some certain Unplesant Introspection and life is hard enough for a half-elf without giving urself #further Emotional Damage by trying to unpack the Absolute Mess that was ur childhood and adolescence in the midst of an apocalypse) #but that’s neither here nor there and these tags are long enough already #oh wait i’m not done going back to (1) i know we all imagine maedhros being Fucked Up in the aftermath of the Nirnaeth + kinslayings BUT #do you genuinely want me to believe that maedhros—THEE political luminary of beleriand—was Not thinking abt The Politics #when maglor pulled these two fucking kids out of the wreckage of sirion and was like ‘i’ll be sad if we kill them :(‘ #imo it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to forget that they are the heirs of Absolutely Everyone and depending on his thoughts on the future #maedhros Must have had at least a couple of Plans for these kids ranging from ‘assure my people’s safety Whoever i have to kill for it’ to #‘protect two of the Extremely Few uncontroversial political leaders the elves have left & make sure theyre Competent for when they do lead’ #however Wrecked he was by It All i dont think that the politics part of his brain Ever turns off & it might have been kicking into overdriv #at that point in order to Not think about the Everything Else that was happening. ok NOW i’m done #sorry for tag rant it’s just that i have Thoughts and they are Correct but not organized enough to make it into the Actual Post

[dykesbat]

thinking so hard abt the little rebellion of district 12’s silence when katniss volunteers for prim and their funeral salute to her..

#the way the salute is old and rarely used but they all do it for her #(someone who chooses someone else above herself and reflects back what the games and the volunteer system was meant to do in the first #place: breaking those bonds of loyalty/trust) #the way it’s a goodbye to someone you love and the first times we see it are there when katniss is on stage #when rue dies and in district 11 when katniss and peeta are on tour #the way the entire rebellion starts from a little act of love either given to katniss or given by katniss #even the mockingjay pin being something madge gives her as a district token #(the token once belonging to her aunt that died in one of the games and something that was #passed along her family. and madge gives it to katniss so that katniss has a physical reminder that people care for her.) #the way the mockingjay’s imagery and the bird’s tie to the rebellion isn’t even on purpose #and all katniss being forced into being a symbol of the rebellion against her will as the mockingjay when all she wanted was to save prim #thg #OUGHHHH

[arolesbianism]

I’ve been having a rough few days, but I’ve been feeling a bit better so I decided to make some lil thingies for some spiraling upwards kitties :3

#keese draws #warrior cats oc #spiraling upwards #I’ve posted art of ratstar and pigeonbillow before but the other three I haven’t I think #but yeah these are some more of the minkclan founders #and by that I mean two of them are and one of them was a kitten at the time #lightning is haveniris’ mom but she didn’t trust herself to raise him so her clanmates sort of collectively raised him #and by that I mean mostly pigeon and two other old ppl that aren’t included here #light did end up opening up to him more and acting as more of a mom after he chose to become a medic tho #the two have a complicated relationship for sure but they still care abt each other a lot #oh yeah and literally all of these guys are dead by the time murtle rolls around except for haven #pigeon died about two years before the other two and raincinder has been dead since before minkclan was properly founded #which is unsurprising given she’s such an old withering woman #she mostly made it that long because she was given a guide sponsor life #so long story short not all starclan cats actually get to use the cool starclan powers and those who do are usually ‘sponsored’ with an #extra life and a cool star like marking #this isn’t a well known thing tho and even within starclan only higher ranking cats rly know anything beyond knowing that every now and #then new guides are chosen #now usually what’s supposed to happen is that the sponsored cat has a close eye kept on them and if they are deemed worthy they’re allowed #to keep their mark and become a guide once they die the second time #the main flaw in this system is that the cat who sponsored them has to be the one to revoke it #so if they refuse to revoke it for whatever reason there’s not much that can be done about it #or in raincinder’s case her sponsor ended up fading before they could judge her fully #so even though by all means even the most rebel friendly guides would revoke it easily she managed to keep her mark til death #this was ofc largely helped by her living til 19 fucking years dear god woman #but hey I guess it means minkclan gets a guide even though she’s a rly shitty one #rly that mostly only matters for the sake of nine lives and the sake of travel between starclan and the living territories #which actually does cause a lot of problems when all the guides decide to go haunt a child instead #oh also guides also pass on their mark to leaders who’s life ceremony they hosted #not the guide role tho each guide gets a new mark

[mushiemellows]

Got a lotta uhhhh empathy for big mom hot take

#she’s got the same brand of autism as the rest of them she just doesn’t have access to decent support systems #and it’s made her develop toxic habits as a way of self protection from how she understands society #but she was still fundamentally abused by the fascism of the state disguised as the church #and it’s twisted her perceptions of gender class sex and relationships #but she’s got a nugget deep down #I could fix this 70 year old woman #also I’m so quick on the defense for Women In Her category #Alvida Kokoro big mom fuck it Lola while I’m at it #I get that chiffon is a way to redo Lola but you gotta admit they did her so dirty #the prison guard franky kisses #all of em #SHINOBU WHILE IM AT IT #hey oda there’s other ways to write bad women just sayin #I’m at the Queen fight rn if that isn’t clear #she cares!!!! she has a heart!!!! #chopper is perpetuating the prejudice that others showed him!!!!!

[prisonpodcast]

.

#this is gonna be kind of a vent and it may be incoherent so.. #seeing everyone talk about how they want to leave dtblr these past few days is so relieving how are we all thinking the same thing at the #same time #idk for me I’m probably not gonna go anywhere but I cannot lie. the fact that our community is more discourse and neg than #actual talk about content is really draining sometimes #it also dosent help that there isn’t that much content recently that I find interesting aside from the occasional dream video #so I guess there really isn’t that much to talk about except for drantis and how much we either love or hate Karl Jacobs #tbh I miss lore LOL the fandom was more fun when that was going on + also it’s wayyy easier stomaching discourse about #fictional characters than real people #like don’t get me wrong I’ve neg posted about ccs too but sometimes this community will talk more about how they hate Karl than like. their #own faves content. like I don’t even care about Karl in the slightest but like it’s just draining when there’s so much negativity all the #time instead of like. live-blogging and excitement over new content #not just Karl tho I used him as an example but like. everyone on the ‘ccs dtblr hates’ list #AND it dosent. help that I don’t really care about George or sapnaps content like at all and Im more of just an sbi main who also likesdream #which sucks bc there aren’t many sbi fans that are normal enough about Dream to follow #so I don’t fit with that community either #and I still don’t really feel like I fit with dreblr too bc I’m more of a ctechno main but idk lol #and like the few non dtblr people I follow seem to always be having such a much better time than us which really dosent help #sorry for the random sad post lmao #I’ll probably delete later I just want to get it out of my system bc sometimes complaining about things makes you feel better about thething #and before anyone’s like ‘just leave why’re you sat here complaining’ #I like this community and I like talking about my interests and reading posts about stuff I like on here #I haven’t really lost interest in the content there’s just a lack of it. I just wish the community was less neg all the time #like it’s even something I need to work on with myself lol #this is so long LMAO it’ll probably get deleted in a bit

[dontneedmyheart]

x

#it is interesting how finland is supposed to be the happiest country in the world and yet #according to research #we are one of europe’s top countries when it comes to violence against women #we are also one of the most racist countries in europe’s #our goverment is a disgrace in so many ways that i don’t even know where to start #i don’t know what the point here actually is i just realised it’s our independence day soon #and usually it makes me feel proud to call this country my home #but at the moment it’s just #i don’t know #and i do love my home #we have beautiful nature and it’s relatively safe here and we have a good education system and a good health care system #and good support system even if our far right politicians are trying to shit on it #but at the moment there are just so many problems too #and this country really isn’t the socialist utopia that some people think it is #and it also makes me feel insane that there are all these vile things happening all the time #plus everything that is going on in the world in general #and some people are just going through their ilves like oh well it is what is #how is this all not making you angry #i’ve been filled with rage because of everything for the past week #i don’t want to guilt anyone and this isn’t directed at anyone but i feel like rioting and all i can see is apathy or disregard #or people excusing violence #why are we letting all this happen #i hate that this is what this country and this world has become

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

Having these soup talks posts is like starting to say one thing getting distracted and then going into deep grief and now I have to rewrite the actual post part of this. These feel like headings for the actual post

#i had one tag about my tag system and then went into this: #also very miserable being so much less open than I usually am since my entire friend group has my url #strong believer of if ur a native tumblr user it’s fine we can be friends but if u just wanna find me bc it’s funny it’s genuinely upsetting #lulu u r here as an honored guest welcome native user #i miss talking to you guys a lot #this was the only place I could actually voice my thoughts but </3 #I don’t know there’s not even really a point in making a different blog bc my wishes aren’t gonna be respected #like. i have said all throughout the years do not look for me. i will be very upset by this #i laugh when I’m uncomfortable so apparently when everyone was looking for me and I was laughing that was considered permission #i am friends with my friends but I am not as open with them as I am here #nor do I wish to be. I’ve always been huge on privacy since it was neglected my entire life #so hi gamers. if you’re reading this know that I am upset I was upset the entire time said so and you’re still here #I’ve told you for years I didn’t want you here and this was the only space I had #and yeah I make jokes about it but only bc there isn’t a single other thing I can do other than delete the thing I care about the most #and I know for the most part y’all had your fun you found me looked around at what I do #one of you promised you wouldn’t come back I believe that. one of you quite frankly I’m surprised you don’t have an account but either way #i don’t think you’ll be around again unless I directly send you a post off my blog #I’m fine with that. quite frankly it might make my life a little easier #but the one with an account made just to find me and get around me being unsearchable?? idk that I’m gonna just get over that anytime soon #especially being like oooh look but not at my url bc you’ll block me and I want the option to look at ur blog #in the moment I didn’t think I cared that much but apparently I do! a lot! i just wanted to be left alone #and really what can I say? hey that really hurts my trust and the more I think about it the more detrimental it is? #i can’t just send a text out of the blue that’s like hey I am upset about this #and I mean. I’m posting on a public account. i always ran this risk if my wishes were disrespected. i just didn’t think they would be #and it’s stupid to be crying over this but when I’m always so stressed out about keeping up multiple different facets of personality this #was the one place I didn’t have to do that and now I do #not to be dramatic but it’s like losing the only piece of myself I loved #soup talks

[stayathome-ts]

It’s 12:18 this is not the time or the day to be spotting some fuckery in dates and times not adding up in my memory.

#I was making vaguely bad decisions doing math about family ages etc and realized that the age for a particular family member didn’t line up #at all with my memories - like a solid 20/15 years difference there I’d estimate #and of course dates lining up isn’t the biggest priority when you’re an introject I know this but for the hell of it #I’m trying to rule out explanations that make sense without that first (not that this is actually relevant or anything #but I’ve been feeling weird and pretty out of it today due to external events so bad decisions and distractions go together) #there’s a couple ideas I have but I legitimately haven’t run across a weird puzzle like this while in the context of this system before #so… that’s something. If im around tomorrow feel free to ask me what the hell I mean by this #or even now whatever works. I may or may not be going to bed at a decent hour because it’s just one of those days #I’m just glad to have something else to focus on besides dealing with issues I apparently didn’t fully take care of the last time around

[dentpx]

Yeah closing by myself was hell but I honestly miss it because i would be done like an hour early and then I would clean/organize a bunch of stuff that people normally ignore. But I feel bad doing that when I’m with another person or two because I do all the important cleaning first and they’re like “we’re done, right?” And I’m like. Well. Yeah. I guess so huh.

#I used to hang out until 9 but I just can’t be bothered to care anymore #first of all bc it’s weird to tell ppl ‘you can go home but I’ll stay here until 9’ bc it looks like I’m trying to get them in trouble #but second bc I want to go home too lol I don’t wanna be there #also w the new managers stuff doesn’t really have a Place bc they moved lots of things and there isn’t enough space for packaging #or ingredients now #so if I get stuff organized I have to make up a new system for where it’s supposed to be #and then nobody will follow it bc it’s not official lol #zoeposting

[doctorweebmd]

Okay this is super pathetic but I just have to write it down lmao sorry please don’t read if you like me at all as a person

Like. I get so teary eyed when someone thanks me for writing something. I don’t think anyones ever thanked me for anything I’ve done in my job. Not sincerely. And why should they? It’s a job. Like yeah the emotional burden and physical burden is huge and I see death every day and deliver bad news every day and poke and prod and bleed and feel so much fear of hurting someone, of making a mistake, of missing something that could lead to someone dying, of my hands and fingers not being nimble enough and causing pain and a lot of the time it feels like I’m making no difference at all so it’s all just this dread dread dread dread of existing dread of doing something wrong dread of having to tell another person that they’re dying dread of the angry family members and not being compassionate enough but not too compassionate because carrying the burden of every death would kill me it would kill me

And even if the death is a good death, even if we help people have family and control pain it’s still death and no one is ever thankful. And like, the sheer audacity of me wanting to be thanked for something like this is frankly ridiculous.

But it’s so hard to come home after the usual 12+ hours however many days in a row emotionally exhausted to the point of indifference and not being able to say that a single kind word was said to you that day. I would take anything. Anything to make me feel that I’m more just a cog in the industrial medical complex. That I made a difference for anyone at all.

A student. A nurse. A family member. A coworker. Anybody. Just anybody to say that this effort is worth something. That I’m breaking myself for something. That anything I’m doing means anything at all.

#Jesus fucking Christ lmao I’m so sad #this is so so so so selfish and pathetic #it’s such a human feeling to want to matter #and in any scheme of things I don’t #and the desire for an extrinsic reward is so stupid #like I should feel an intrinsic pride in what I do #you care and care and care and care and burn and break #and the system chews you up and spits you out #despite giving all I have to this #it isn’t enough and it never will be #not for me and not for anyone else #but to not care and to not give it my all is an insult to the patient who has no choice but to trust me with their life #so this hole will just keep growing and growing and growing #how do I fill it? where do I go from here? #how do I save my own life? #ansdjfjh da kzhdh anyway the moral of this is my stupid fanfiction makes me feel like I made more of a difference than my entire career