#though live pages are always better.. future me thats your problem. get fucked

[dexaroth]

having fun painting the bg and being all giddy that i think ive finally got it while the huge shadow of 'you will have to archive previous pages while allowing them to be viewable somehow' looms over me and i continue to innocently scribble some clouds on

#maybe ill just upload the files there and present them as static images? #so that i can edit the .html and .css files to work but only if i need to see how past code worked #though live pages are always better.. future me thats your problem. get fucked #dextxt

[eroticcannibal]

Getting off to consent: a personal defence of rape kink and noncon/dubcon fic

This is a jumbled mess of thoughts but that’s how I’m gonna be doing this so.... (I thought about editing it but it’s stressful to write so fuck y’all deal with it)

Also if you have anything to say, you read through this whole damn thing first, or I’ll ignore you till you do. This is my trauma and you’ll show it some fucking respect.

My teen years were full of sex, all quite respectful and gentle and vanilla. They asked if I liked it, they never physically forced me or held me down. They kissed me and cared for me and showered me with affection and adoration. 

It was nice, and people were often jealous, even when I had to stop messing around because I had a kid now, cus I had a lovely little flat that was only infested with fleas and ants, some hand-me down furniture, a beautiful baby and a gentle man to look after us. Even if he was a bit lazy and liked to look at younger girls. 

I could never call what happened “rape” then. Didn’t seem right f I was smiling, initiating it, acting like I enjoyed it. 

There was one time I easily could call it that though. When I woke up to a mutual friend on top of me, and he was in the kitchen sulking because I’d reacted more in my sleep to the friend raping me than him. They’d only done it to make me happy, he said. His feelings were so hurt, he said.

Rape, real rape, for me, has always been gentle and kind and considerate and performatively respectful of my feelings, and when someone gets hurt it’s never me who’s allowed to hurt. And I don’t even get to consent. 

Those things became hurtful and unsafe. 

I’d already leaned towards rougher things in my thoughts, but the shame young-looks-like-a-girls get kept me quiet. But after that, my brain pushed me in head first. Because I needed to escape what hurt me. 

I needed it to be rough rather than gentle, I needed nasty words and a performative lack of regard for my wants while paying close attention to if I’m ok, rather than asking me if I’m ok and ignoring how mechanically I’m reacting and how I won’t look them in the eye. I needed to be allowed to be pissed off, to hit and kick and cry and feel. I needed to be able to fight back instead of just accepting what was happening. I needed what I wanted, consenting, to be not just a necessary box to tick, but to be the theme, the central focus of the event. I needed to recontextualise my trauma, make it not about sex, but the violation. 

It’s not my fault that gets called having a rape kink. 

Since then I’m not sure if I just get raped more or if I’m just noticing it more. It’s never the people who are willing to be a little rougher if I ask them too. I don’t do full rape kink IRL, but I’ll ask for things that are approaching it. Those people I trust, they care about me. They are gentle with me afterwards. They are careful with how they hold me down when I try to wriggle away from them. They want to hurt me but they don’t want to hurt me. People who know the difference between fantasy and a scene and reality, those are people I can trust. 

It’s the ones you’d never flinch at that rape me. The ones who are born again and celibate who molest me even after I already willingly fucked them, the ones who bring me dinner and aren’t into anything weird who take advantage of me when I’m unconscious, the ones innocently offering to help me with a problem at college who trap me in the toilets at the pub. The nice ones everyone trusts, the ones who would never be like those gross dangerous kinky freaks. And they are always so nice with it, so gentle, so respectful. 

I can’t even say no anymore. At least I can fool myself, if I don’t say no, it’s not rape, right? If I come on to him so he doesn’t throw a carseat at my head again, that’s not rape, right? But a safeword isn’t no. And no is less scary if you say it when someone is rough with you, because rough people don’t rape me. “Oh that’s unhealthy!” I can’t really care, when playing pretend while consenting is what got me to the point where I have finally, once, said no. 

It was pretty amazing, my friend who’s a strange kind of rough. Likes to hold me down and force me and push my limits and make it so that I can’t even talk... He’s not really into hurting me, but he holds me in a way that lets me know he’s strong enough to. And I was sucking his dick when I suddenly thought “Eh, don’t really want to be doing this.”

But that time was different, it had clicked for me, you see. I’d not have managed that without rape kink, I don’t think. Cus the whole thing with rape kink, it’s all about wanting it, in a way all other sexual activity isn’t. And right then, I didn’t want to. It was different.

And I managed to say no. I managed to stop and say “I’m really sorry but I don’t want to do this right now.” And it was terrifying, it had been so long since I’d even tried to say no, because I’d learned so early that no doesn’t matter, it’ll happen anyway, so you may as well let it. And he was fine with it. More than fine. He thanked me for telling him. I thanked him for not making me continue and he got a bit pissed off and said “No. Think about what you are saying.” It was a life changing moment. I’d never have got there without rape kink. 

I keep getting told it’s retraumatising, but that’s just not how this works. It doesn’t even resemble my trauma, for a start. But even for those who it does... that’s not how it works. I know because that’s my current relationship with vanilla sex. Thanks to my kinks I’ve got to a point where I feel safe enough to try it occasionally. Because if these people won’t rape me in one situation, they won’t in another, right? If they’ve respected my “no”, they’ll keep doing that. It’s still scary, and it will be for a while, but it’s like therapy. Do you know how talking therapy works with trauma? It’s important to wait until you feel safe, you can’t rush it, because if you don’t feel safe, you affect the memories in the wrong way.

When you remember, talk about, or play out a traumatic event, your memories don’t remain static. They change. They change depending on how you are feeling. If you feel scared, the memories become scarier. If you feel safe, the memories won’t be as scary. That’s how talking therapy works, you talk about it over and over while feeling safe and eventually that memory can’t hurt you any more. Thats how rape play, and for me, vanilla sex, works. You play out the trauma with someone you trust, where you feel safe, where you are having a good time and it reduces the trauma. 

It kinda baffles me when people say “you are getting off to rape” too. This isn’t rape. Rape is a sex act without consent. Rape is just... rape. Kink isn’t rape, because you consent. f you don’t consent, it’s not kink, it’s rape. It’s mutually exclusive. Real rape doesn’t get me going, it horrifies me. 

Rape fiction has it’s values too. Yes even the “glorifying” stuff you all hate. Cus let’s be honest, you don’t know how to use that word.

Let’s take for example Killing Stalking. I can understand why people think it’s glorifying. It’s written in a way that makes you feel how the victim feels. And how a victim feels can be complicated. Loving your abuser is so complicated. Abusive relationships are intense, and I’ll be honest, there are times when I miss being abused, because yes it may be awful but it’s also so fucking good. Abuse requires the good to get you trapped. It requires that tenderness and love. It’s a very intense kind of love. Non-abusive relationships rarely reach that level of intensity, that’s a stable kind of love. Abuse requires that intensity to keep you stuck. And people feel that love in the writing and it makes them uncomfortable, they call it “glorifying.”

Funny how the experiences of the abused are so often turned against us to further hurt us. 

We all know how important representation is. It doesn’t just apply to identities though, it applies to experiences. And survivng trauma is rarely neat and respectable. That’s just the story you’ve been told. It’s messy, it’s gross, it’s confusing, it’s full of shame, it’ll turn your stomach seeing how we drag ourselves out of it. It’s rare to see that shown honestly. It hurts that I can see those emotions, my emotions, layed out on a page and then hear people say I think rape and abuse are a good thing just because I feel relieved over finally seeing the truth of my trauma honestly represented. 

And you know what, you should feel uncomfortable reading things like that. It’s uncomfortable! Like, that’s the minimum response you should have! Imagine fucking living it! But that doesn’t make feeling that, and connecting to that feeling a bad thing. It doesn’t make me a bad person, to have been hurt like that. I’m not a bad person for being a messy victim, they’re the bad ones for doing this to me! 

I write a lot of rape stuff, in fact until last nanowrimo it’s all I wrote. I needed to get it out of my system, I guess. It’s cathartic. I can play with how things could have been. How could it have been better? Could I have noticed a red flag? Fought? Got away after the first time? Can I do better in future? But also, how could it have been worse? Did I actually fuck up? Is fighting someone abusive really a good idea? Is confronting someone when you are trapped in a hotel room with them wise? It’s ok to prioritise survival if it means not being torn and broken and killed, right? 

But not just from the perspective of the victim. Remember what I said about what being raped was like for me? How kind and loving those men were? It’s a hard thing to reconcile, that someone so gentle and loving hurt you so much. I couldn’t understand it, because I would never do that, and the people who were rough and rude with me at my request... they never made a mistake. They were so attentive, they watched me so carefully to make sure I was ok. So how could these men have raped me?

I understood when I wrote on character in particular. That time, I wrote from the perspective of a rapist. The victim was like me, very passive. He was very kind he didn’t do anything weird. But as I wrote, everything started to make sense. He could see the blank face, he noticed the panicked breathing, he noticed them not reciprocating. He knew. He didn’t make a mistake. He knew what he was doing. He raped them because he wanted to.

They raped me because they wanted to. 

Anger is better than shame. It’s better than still loving him. Anger keeps me safe. My writing made me angry and I’m so grateful I experienced that. 

I think most of all rape kink taught me not just how important consent is (the one thing that is the difference between sex and rape), but also how to practice it. I don’t know how sex ed is now, but consent was never taught. We were just taught the mechanics of vanilla sex. Essentially for me, a lesson on how to let rape happen. Kink gave me autonomy and power and a way of saying no. 

In the end, it’s all pretend. Just a way for me to explore things I need to, and heal myself. I won’t accept that it’s retraumatising or unhealthy, because I’m getting better because of it. I won’t accept that it’s something that should be hidden, because it was others being open who helped me stop feeling like I’m a gross slut who deserved what I got because of these feelings, and no one deserves to feel alone. No one deserves to feel ashamed for the way they’ve survived. We should never have to hide. You can avert your eyes if we are too much of a mess for you. 

#word of god #rape tw #kink tw #kink discourse

[teamwindsorroyals]

I am personally annoyed as hell with the people saying shes faking the pregnancy. I don’t care for Markle but she is pregnant no doubt. I do think she was padding early on though.

Another note, I don’t like some of the articles that have been put out against her as some have had racial undertones but others have been legit criticisms that Kate has also gotten and people still label that as racist which it isn’t. I even had one person accuse me of jealousy and racism when I said that Meghans spending was bad optics. Apparently saying something is “bad optics” means your jealous and racist. I understand royals want to look like “royalty” but there’s simply no reason to spend 500k on clothes in less than a year on clothes.

I think it’s sad to see her fans have this misconception about royalty and think royals have to spend thousands on top designer brands just to look ‘royal’ when that’s simply not the case. It’s like they think the royal family is the live version of all the disney films where they need to be in jewels all the time or something. It’s like they don’t realize that’s there’s good brands, good quality clothes that don’t cost thousands and you can still look like a royal. It’s not just the clothes, it’s also the way the royal carries themselves and takes care of themselves. Showing up to an engagement with a messy bun and ill-fitted clothes isn’t a good look. People think it’s “chic” but this is royalty not hollywood or high school. They also say that her spending is justified with the amount of engagements shes doing but that is also NOT justified. This is where Meghan needs to take a page out of Kate’s book and realize that there are certain events that do not require a 5k outfit. The other excuse is “building royal wardrobe” like really? No other royal has had the need to spend 500k in one year on clothes & they do more engagements than she does. 

My other note, I don’t think the marriage will last. I never thought it would last since the statement was put out. Harry always seemed like the type who would be the one to divorce atleast twice. Hes not stable like his brother & unfortunately never has been. I definitely see divorce rumors by next year. 

I don’t consider myself one of those crazy tinhatters but I didn’t need anyone to tell me this marriage was doomed from the beginning. They both rushed into things and had too many misconceptions about married life. There’s too many other red flags as well. It’s a shame. 

I’ve stood up for Meghan regarding some of the racial undertoned articles but in regards to the sexist & classist articles, her fans should be looking in the mirror with how they treat Kate & the Middletons before bitching about the “sexist & classist” articles against Meghan. The shit they’ve called Kate & the Middletons is disgusting especially when they turn around and bitch about a “sexist” article against Markle, like really? Kate has been bashed for over a decade, so Meghan fans need to grow the fuck up and realize that all royal wives get hammered by the press. 

Cont.

I’m not saying all crap articles against Meghan are warranted but her fans are absolutely atrocious. 

They’ve called Kate & Carole sluts, hags, crinkly bitches etc all over twitter and then five minutes later will tweet an article thats “sexist” against Meghan and will go into pure rage. Clearly these fans haven’t seen the crap Kate has been put through and those who say that they have, yet still complain on articles about Meghan, are the biggest liars. 

Her fans refuse to accept any ounce of negativity towards Meghan and that right there is toxic and the definition of a cult! It’s unhealthy.

Her fans think she’s been treated unfairly yet she got an engagement with the Queen right off the bat, a more expensive wedding than the future King/Queen that the RF paid for no less, christmas with the RF as a fiance as well as other engagements as a fiance that nobody else got, she got quite a few patronages from the Queen within 6 months of marrying. Shes gotten so much that others haven’t, her fans have no room to complain. She’s spending more than any other royal and her fans say shes being treated unfairly? PU-LEASE!!

ok I’ve done my rant for the day.

************

Hi, Anon, Thanks for your submission 😊 I’m just going to edit in my reply.

*********

OK, I resorted to going on my desktop as my phone was driving me crazy.  Probably better as I’m a fast typist.

I started my Tumblr five years ago. When Cressida and Prince Harry broke up, I chose to not rebrand my Tumblr.  I’m happy with the various themes I tend to share.  Of course if there is anything about Cressida that I want to share, I do.  I thought she was (and she is) a class act and her family are fascinating. They’re this fascinating, blended (as in half siblings) family who are related by marriage to the equally fascinating Bransons.

So five years ago and later, I did check Twitter more.  But TBH I prefer Tumblr as people curate interesting content here.  Some of it is recent and some of it is historical. And some of the Tumblr users in the Royal Fandom are extremely knowledgeable.  I’ve learnt a lot!  I also prefer the more visual format.

I do use Twitter just a touch and recently I had someone send a tweet my way with vitriol about CB?  Why? What is CB to this person?  I checked that person’s Twitter feed and it was a whole bunch of obsessive nonsense in support of one Royal and against everyone else. I think if you’re thinking about a celebrity or royal that much, you simply have too much time on your hands and you need a hobby.  I don’t even bother engaging with such people.  It’s an immediate call for blocking.

I was surprised the other day to read someone’s comment that they were too young to remember PW and the DofC’s wedding.  Wow!  That set me back a bit.  Lately, people have been sharing videos showing what the DofC went through with the hoardes of paparazzi while she was dating for the better part of a decade.  I think it’s important to know that about her. Chelsy also had these issues.  And for two years Cressida had to struggle with it as well and still experiences the after effects of her dating PH years.

I think that you can compare the Middletons and MM. Both sides are self made in their own way.  The Middletons are the British version of living the American Dream. MM made a meteoric leap from being a suitcase woman in a slinky dress to a supporting actress and aspirational lifestyle blogger/Instagrammer.  From there she parlayed her way into circles in little ol Toronto that included every person in town who knows PH.  Plus she was chummy with JT (Justin Trudeau).  She certainly knows how to work her social connections.  So if you don’t like the Middletons for their “rise” in society, then you can’t like MM, and vice versa.

I’m not sure why people choose to hurl such vitriol at the Middletons. And with such language.  And I’ve seen the B word put under MM’s photo too along with a lot of critique about her looks.  I always cringe when I hear the age 40 hurled at her as if it’s an insult. If these people are not someone’s cup of tea, fine.  Then focus on something else.

As for MM, it was PH’s choice to want to get married after a relatively short courting period that was mostly done at a distance.  I think that they should have waited longer. But they made the decision and now they need to make it work as they continue to get to know each other.

My rule of thumb is to never write anything about anyone  - including Royals - that you wouldn’t say to their face.

Also, I think if you are fan and you want your favourite Royal to survive in the BRF over the long run, you should encourage harmony and getting along.  On the side of the fandom and hopefully wishing for the same within the BRF.  You should celebrate the positive and not encourage division.

Of course there is room for constructive critique.  MM said she wasn’t really aware of the BRF before she got married. (TBH I don’t believe that.)  But many fans have been following the BRF for years and even decades.  Of course that is looking in from the outside.  But they’ve seen all the drama unfold and know that while it’s not easy to marry into a large and affluent family, it’s even harder to marry into something like the BRF.  As is the case with most large and wealthy families, individuals are in their own silos looking after their own concerns and interests.  You have to tread carefully so as not to threaten anybody or step on their toes. So if MM is making repeated missteps and outsiders can see them, it’s fair to call out the problems.

Leaking to the press?  Not a good idea.  Being seen to be more demanding of staff members or spending more money than others?  Also not a good idea. Of course these just might be spin jobs from other camps but we know how perception is 9/10s of reality as far as onlookers are concerned.  I think it’s better to put your head low and keep a simple profile.  They say a good leader will join a company and will spend six months walking the halls and getting to know the employees before making any major changes.

It’s also been my observation that whether you’re Prince Philip, Princess Diana, the Duchess of Cornwall or the Duchess of Cambridge, if you’ve married into the BRF you can’t take the spotlight away from your spouse.  That’s just how it works. If you choose to not heed this advice, you will encounter push back.

The fashion part is an interesting one. I don’t like this notion of “oh there’s an event tomorrow.  Let’s see what the young and senior female royal is wearing”. They aren’t clothes hangers.  Their first priority is to visit a charity or represent a charity.  Promoting a fashion brand (hopefully from the Commonwealth) is an extra perk.  Many of the senior BRF wear expensive clothes - both casual and fancy. The Duchess of Cornwall is very well dressed and is a leading example of looking fabulous in her 70s. Even the casual clothes they wear can be expensive. EG boy are the Le Chameau rainboots that the DofC wears expensive.  But then for the average person, most of those clothes are expensive.  Even a L350 dress would seem too much. And if the Royals had to wear dresses under L100 for example, like most of us do, they would have to choose from over priced and poorly constructed dresses made out of thin fabric. (Such is the reality of fast fashion these days.  The struggle is real when we hit the shops.  I prefer thrift stores, as a result.)

I don’t think they have to wear clothes from Britain and the Commonwealth all the time but, if you think about it, there’s a vast array of options from Britain and the Commonwealth.  There are some gorgeous clothes out there that could inject interest into Brand Britain and also designers from other countries.  MM has worn some Canadian brands and that’s great.  But it’s a good idea to switch it up and not look like she might be connected to Jessica Mulroney’s business interests.  That perception is out there strongly and that needs to be axed.  If JM is offering styling advice for free, you have to ask - what is the benefit for JM financially?

I’m a bit surprised by the amount of negative press circulating right now. Maybe that’s the reality of having so many more fast moving and soft news outlets like social media. I hope that it will get better after the Sussex baby is born.  Maybe having the Sussexes move off into a little cottage in the woods of Windsor is a good idea after all.

Thanks for your submission. I hope I expanded on the main topics you raised.

#brf #prince phillip #princess margaret #duchess of sussex #duchess of cambridge #duke of cambridge #duchess of cornwall #british royal family #kate middleton #meghan markle #british fashion #prince harry #submission

[ac-ars]

high for this

it’s been a year, literally year of waiting but here she is and she is gonna happen i promise, titles are gonna be songs’ lyrics and they are kinda connected to plot but not completely thats it ramble done have fun

Luna Valente doesn’t expect much fun when she gets accepted to the University of Oxford, but it’s the only way to stay away from her controlling aunt. She doesn’t expect also Matteo Balsano, who is the most helpful out of everyone there. Is he really as perfect as it seems though?

chapter 0

🌙

1/ it's you and your world and I'm caught in the middle

“What do you mean you did spend with him few hours in a plane?” Ginger girl pokes Luna’s cheek again, asking the very same question for like fifth time, making Luna lowkey annoyed, because here she is trying to study. Oxford is such a bitch when it comes to hiring weird profs, who give long ass papers already after second class, what even is their problem, Luna has no idea, but she has to write this stuff plus study for chemistry for tomorrow, and she is kinda fucked, so Jim isn’t helping her in any way. Especially when she is talking about Matteo Balsano.

“I will tell you later, when you finally let me study, Jimena.”

Ginger pouts and growls a little. “Can’t you tell me now? And then I will leave you alone.”

“I know you will not,” the brunette sighs. “I will tell you one thing and they you will want another one, it will so go down like an avalanche and my bad time management doesn’t let me do this.”

Jim sighs dramatically and falls down to the desk, almost spilling her own coffee. Luna scrunches her nose at this, because she deeply despises this dark liquid that’s always too bitter and making her sleepy.

The brunette is fully aware of the fact that studying with the little ginger isn’t really effective, but that’s three times better than sitting in her dorm and hearing Nina constantly telling that next time she should start repeating the material earlier. She is already done with the girl; she was super nice since they met and then she heard from someone else about Matteo, and started asking, asking so, so much, and Luna is genuinely tired of this.

Oxford is a weird place, it’s not as fancy as Luna thought while going there, but at the same time it’s the fanciest, and it’s not really easy to see when you just hang out with people in the dorms or in some coffee place. Yet then you go to this big, big library with tallest shelves and so many books, and one can’t feel ordinary here at all. And Luna would love to be all kinds of ordinary here, just as always; she has never been any popular person, she was liked by people, yes, but they were her friends and she had earned all those friendships and was very close to all her friends. Here it’s making her uncomfy, all the stares people are giving her just because someone threw the gossip that Matteo Balsano himself walked her around the campus, explaining what is where and bought her coffee, which she threw to the trash as soon as he left. She hated it, but she had no heart to tell him.

Suddenly Jim just looks up, behind Luna and she looks kinda scared, which is weird because Jim is never scared of people, she just barks around and wants to fight them. Valente sighs and closes her book, turning around, and now she gets why her ginger friend is so terrified. Everyone is scared of Ambar, and she is coming all her way to Luna’s table, and Luna is just wondering if it would be difficult to go to some other English university without famous cousin or random guy from the plane who decided he will be her babysitter.

And yet Ambar just casually takes the chair right next to Luna, resting her bag on the other and her books on the table. She looks so effortless with her light hair bouncing softly after every move, and how careless she seems about their weird stares.

The brunette and her sort of cousin aren’t the best, their relations are mostly dead, but their aunt and Rey whined them about the blonde trying to show Luna around the place and keep her away from losers, (no, they didn’t say it directly, but it was there between the lines), and Luna guesses that Smith feels the situation with Matteo very comfortable, because she doesn’t need to do anything.

To be honest, Luna wants to leave, they aren’t friends and the only conversation they have was when Ambar gave her some recommendations about food places, which was actually really helpful since Luna can’t cook for her own sake. Now the blonde throws her a look, and then throws a look at Jim, who mumbles some quick excuse and runs away. The brunette huffs and turns to Ambar trying to ask her, but she gets cut off.

“We gotta talk, Lunita,” she just says and Luna is lostest. “What do you mean?”

“You shouldn’t hang out with Matteo.” Smith answers and turns to the notebook she is holding.

Luna chokes. “Excuse me, but I am not hanging out with Matteo. Why would I even?”

“I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care that much about him. We are just in the council.” Ambar shrugs and sighs heavily, because she apparently can’t find the thing she was looking for. “I just don’t want you to get into friendships that aren’t good for you.”

Now she is kinda surprised, well, all kinds of surprised and she has no idea since when Ambar has any bit of care in her person, but it’s nice. Or so she guesses. “You don’t have to worry about anything, he just walked me around the campus the other day and maybe caught me few times when I was searching for classrooms and helped to get there.”

Ambar rolls her eyes and huffs a little, closing her book with loud thumb. “I don’t care what you two are doing. I just said that so I don’t feel that bad when he acts like an asshole and you cry. No offense, Luna, but just be a little less silly in the future. Because many people is talking and I’m tired of listening to this.”

Luna sighs and nods slowly, focusing back on her book. Ambar keeps looking at her expecting something, but the Valente isn't in the mood to agree with everything people tell to her. One minute they tell you they are just worried, and another one they make you do everything as they want, and Luna isn't going to have any of this.

She hears Ambar growl and huff and with corner of her eye she spots the blonde flipping her hair. The conversations in the tables around kinda die and everyone seem to be focused on some one thing. Luna takes her eyes up slowly off the book, because she wanted to finish this one page and second later she is blinded by soft smile of Matteo Balsano who sits on the chair next to her.

“Hi, how are you doing?”

Luna sighs and eyes him up with her look, searching something imperfect in the way he is being, but she can’t find anything. His shirt seems to be lacking of any wrinkles, even the softest, his sleeves are rolled up so neatly she can’t believe. The tie is done in this fancy way, Luna has no idea how to name it so she will stay with fancy, and then she is distracted with how smooth his jaw is. How much does it take to keep it so smooth always? She hasn’t seen him with any kind of stubble yet and she is pretty sure she has managed to see him every day even if for a moment.

Another big issue of hers is how Matteo Balsano manages to do so many things and still manage to avoid having black under eyes, keep having good grades and just to look alive in general while having only 24 hours for a day like Luna. Like Luna, who fails most of the stuff.

His hair is messy, but not this I-don’t-care messy. More like this mess that looks effortless but took around half an hour to make and she deeply believes that he would.

“Luna?” he asks with amused eyes and she shakes her head to get out of the thoughts. “Hi, I’m sleepy.”

Matteo grins at her and she hates this already when he speaks. “Hello sleepy, I’m Matteo and it’s nice to meet you.”

Ambar huffs and rolls her eyes, completely done just like Luna, who shakes her head. “Aren’t you too young for dad jokes?”

He smiles and winks, while Ambar looks at him with bitter smile. “I am sure he already got to be a father, but he has no idea about this.” Luna chokes at this, because apparently the blonde likes him even less than she thought, and this was kinda funny, except that Matteo stares at Ambar with cold eyes until she closes the book and gets up. “I’m getting out of there, and you, Lunita, should too.”

“Maybe for once you would try not to tell others what to do?” Matteo bites and Smith raises her eyebrows. “You should try that sometimes too.” And she is gone.

Luna looks at her and at Matteo weirdly, she has no idea what happened between those two. After all, when she came here they were decent and definitely not always angry at each other. She wakes up again when Matteo pokes her on the ribs softly. “How are you except sleepy? Is everything okay? Do you need any help?”

It’s a little too much for her to be honest. He keeps asking questions and offering her his help, which sometimes is handy, but most of the times it’s nice to explore or got lost on her own.

“No, no, everything is okay. I just need to study and I’m a bit tired but that’s all.”

He hums, taking his hands behind his head and stretching a little, and even this move is somehow perfected. “You can do this and then nap in the afternoon, right?”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

Matteo smiles and gets up, offering her his hand. “Come on, I will walk you to the dorm.” Luna nods and takes it, but just for a minute, because one, his touch is still weird and two, people are still staring and honestly this is too much for her. He doesn’t seem any moved with her taking her fingers away and she guesses it’s not as important to him.

She considers leaving the coffee cup on the table, but the part of her which respects library and it’s rules decides to take it anyway and throw it to trash as soon as Matteo leaves her alone.

🌙

“Rey, what do you even mean by my aunt can’t accept me living in normal dorm?” Luna asks with a growl, few minutes getting into her room.

She can hear him letting out a sigh, which means he is very done with any Benson woman existing. “Your aunt, miss Luna, said that she made sure to get you a proper dorm, and since you disagreed to live with miss Smith, it took more time to organize some place.”

This is unbelievable, she hates this, but at the same time she guesses it could be worse, she won’t have to listen weird gushing about hot books and attractive library tables at least, and she won’t have to simply listen to Nina and this is great thing. Still, no matter what, this is having her life controller by someone else, while she is fully able to make decisions of her own.

“Well, how far will the place be from the campus?”

“It’s still in the campus, a little farther to your faculty, but still there,” he answers and she sighs sadly. “Send me the address and make someone get me the keys or whatever.”

She hangs up, all kinds of done because why is she even surprised? It was obvious Sharon was gonna pull some shit, but hopefully it won't be as bad as it sounds, it will be just a little more walking, but maybe she will get her own fridge where no one steals all chocolate she keeps there.

Her phone buzzes with a text message from Rey with the address and its fancy part of the dorms, yet still not the fanciest which Luna takes as a blessing. She just goes back to her old place to pack her stuff. There is not much of it since she got here a week ago and some boxes still haven't been opened. All she needs to take are clothes and stuff from bathroom, someone will send the car so they can move it and this is exactly what Luna wanted to avoid. Because now everyone is staring at her weirdly as some two men Rey sent are taking out the boxes and after Balsano following her around like a stray cat (even if he makes it look opposite) Luna is just tired. She misses being random girl in the crowd, especially now when everyone tries to know something about her or keeps staring. Amazing, that's what she always wanted to be known for. Being dramatic rich diva and the girl who is following the faculty super guy. Perfect.

🌙

Luna sighs heavily before another yawn that takes over her body. It’s early, earlier than she would have to get up if she was still living at her old place. It’s been already a few days since she moved to her very own, very her place and she needs to say that she wouldn’t really come back, especially that Sharon did let her do whatever she wants in the apartment.

She’s been wanting to tell Matteo about that, but he’s been lost for these last few days as well, probably busy with some Oxford council, or something else. Luna doesn’t worry as much; they aren’t really anything, just acquaintances from uni, that’s all and he shouldn’t feel any need of explaining or even excusing himself and his absence.

Someone knocks to the door and Luna sighs checking the watch on her wrist, it’s time to go so she takes her backpack and takes deep breath before opening the door. Ginger and blonde girls are grinning at her and Luna isn’t sure if she is as happy to see them.

“What time did you go to sleep this time?”

Luna pouts at Jim and shrugs, pulling her hair up to a ponytail as they steal cookies from the counter. “How are they so good? Answer me and don’t roll your eyes, my friend.” Yam mumbles with the cookie filling her mouth, and Luna is just trying to avoid getting it on her face.

She shrugs. “My mom made them and Rey sent, because he wanted me fluffy and dramaless about the dorm. At least I got cookies.”

“Jesus, you dumb, you got this cool place and you are still complaining dramatically. I would get myself cut to have it for a week.”

Luna laughs at this and just shakes her head, ignoring the comment. She likes the place, she doesn’t like the way it happened, but what’s done is done now, isn’t it?”

“We should go for the class, we can talk about my private issues later.”

“If we are by private issues-,” Jim starts. “What’s with your Italian issue, tell us.”

The brunette growls and pushes them out of the apartment. “I don’t know if he’s been even alive. I guess he is though, because I can’t see any sad people crying around.” They laugh at her, obviously, but Luna couldn’t really care less. It’s kinda annoying that Matteo is the most popular topic to talk about with her friends, yet she feels like she should just let them psycho and focus on that since this is the one thing that will very less likely to happen. Her and Matteo in any way.

🌙

They are still late, as the girls really wanted to stop by some coffee shop. Luna had to agree with disgust in her eyes, because coffee. At least they did have tea as well, now three of them reached the entrance of the faculty, and since they have different classes the brunette is going alone towards chemistry class on the highest floor, trying not to die and breathe her lungs out. Tea cup is too thin and keeps burning her fingers and Luna already knows it’s going to be not the one of her better days.

At least the professor is late as well, as always this asshole threatens them that if they won’t be on time, he will give them extra quiz, but he is never there anyway. She sighs and leans against the wall after nodding and smiling at some people she already got to meet and are decent, most likely because the gossip and such haven’t reached them just yet.

Tall person passing by with some girl catches her eyes and it’s indeed Matteo Balsano as he takes his head up, not staring at the tablet he is carrying eventually. She hopes he won’t notice her, just pass by and ignore her existence again, and yet she wants him to acknowledge her being here, to somehow confirm that he hasn’t forgotten about her or ignored her, that he was simple busy and she hates this part of herself so dearly.

The girl nudges him and nods at Luna’s direction, he frowns and turns to the brunette and there is a tiny moment of blank stare in his eyes before he smiles slightly and nods without stopping. This is probably one of the most awkward moments in her life when the group of girls standing the closest to the class door is looking at Luna definitely curiously. The whole mess of this moment causes Luna to just stare at him until he breaks the eye contact, and she doesn’t nod or smile, or say hi, and she actually can’t force herself to feel bad about that.

Her phone buzzes and she focuses on it for few moments, even if it’s just a spam mail it’s better to focus on that instead of all people around her, no matter what they talk or think or do. Luna reads the discount on book until someone softly covers the screen of her phone and she pouts, taking her eyes up.

It’s Matteo smiling a little, with this weird smile that Luna is never sure if he is really content at the moment, or if he is just trying to look like this, because he is never content of any basic interaction.

“Hello, Luna Valente, what’s so interesting there?”

The brunette sighs and locks her phone, taking it away from him and hiding to her back safe. “I’m fine, Matteo, thanks for asking,” she answers and he chuckles, looking to the side. “I’m sorry, sweet thing, but if you are fine then I’m really happy about that. I have a question for you, though.”

She scrunches her nose and he boops it softly, before fixing the collar of his shirt. “Why you haven’t mentioned you moved?” he asks and Luna wants to laugh. She takes a sip of her tea and he focuses on the cup for a small second.

“Well, maybe because you were too busy to hang out with basic people?”

Matteo laughs quietly in answer and rests his hand on the wall next to her head. “I was busy, but you could’ve texted me. Something like ‘hi, I moved to new place’ would be lovely.”

Luna smiles at him sweetly. “I don’t think I need to tell you everything that happens to me, though.”

“But this is an important change, as your friend, I would love to know those details from your life.”

She reaches to the pocket in his shirt and plays with it a little. “Maybe when you tell me about stuff, I will tell you about it as well. It can’t be the way that I tell you everything and you just disappear for few days from my life. Something like ‘hi, I’m busy, meet you in few days’ would be lovely.”

Matteo opens his mouth to tell an answer probably, but he gets interrupted by some cold, annoyed voice of the professor. “Miss, should I send you an invitation to at least be physically in the class?”

Luna chokes, feeling how pale she gets when her heart starts beating faster. “I’m so-”

“No, no, I was just telling this little lady some really important thing, sir. She will be there in few seconds, I promise.” Matteo says, his voice immediately more serious and stable, and the professor frowns, so deep wrinkle appears on his forehead. “Okay, Balsano, but she better be there, or-” he turns to Luna. “An extra quiz, miss.”

The brunette sighs and shakes her head. “No, no. We are actually done here.” She throws a confused look to Matteo and fixes her backpack. “I have class, Matteo. Let me learn stuff in peace,” she mumbles and passes him by, ignoring the way the professor stared at her confused. Her seat is waiting for her and she manages to get there before everyone sits down, so it’s not like anyone is watching her. The door closes and the class starts, and she hopes this was first and last time he pulled a shit like this.

Her phone buzzes twice which means text message. She doesn’t check it until the professor dismisses them.

Matteo

just wanted to ask you to show me your new dorm btw

#soy luna #lutteo #hft #My writing

[404utopia]

please catch me

Ever since I was little I was always sure of two things. The first one was that I wanted to find someone to love who would love me back, I always thought love was such a beautiful idea. I understand that in reality, its not always so beautiful -- but its definitely possible for some people to find true love. The second was that I always wanted to make an impression on the world. For some reason the idea of impressions were always the foundation of my existence. I still have difficulty trying to put this feeling into words but I guess I’ll try my best.

I guess if I had to pose it in question form, it would go a little like this:

“Do you really exist if you aren’t remembered?”

Even in life and death if you aren’t remembered do you really exist? If you’re the kind of person who suffers from depression and finds it so incredibly difficult to get out of the house and make something of your life chances are that you don’t really have any friends or connections, hopefully you have a family but even then there is something incredibly lacking when it comes to not having any connections to people outside of your own blood. I guess I can touch on that more later in the post but I need to get back to the original point. (Aside from family) if no one is really thinking of you, being all alone in a sense because you have no friends or connections, if you are not remembered, do you really exist? And even after death, once you’re done being remembered, you’re not even a page in the book of the worlds history, its like you never existed once you’re not remembered after death. That idea always kind of fucked with me in the back of my head. I always wanted to do something to make an impression, I know no one can last forever, but if I can at least last a while I think I would be happy.

Lately I’ve been feeling extremely worried for myself. The combination of the state of the world and the state of every single aspect of my personal life is weighing on me too much. I refuse to seek the appropriate help because it would only make me feel worse, it would only ruin my life further. As a human being I have the responsibility of lasting. The second you think of giving up you’re marked as faulty. If any medical record was made over the fact that you felt suicidal you could basically never hope of having a proper future ever again. 

I guess this is the part where I explain whats been weighing on me. I think I’ll put it in list form, because its much easier to transcribe my thoughts into text that way.

1. Obviously, COVID-19 has been really affecting my life. I’ve been extremely worried that it’ll get to my mother, who is the last person in my life who loves me and understands me. If anything happens to my mother I will break.

2. The quarantine has surprisingly been affecting me. I was already home-bound and stuck in my room even before quarantine was in place but for some reason the essence of being forced inside is a lot more mentally taxing. Its almost like, even if I wanted to try and pull myself together and even do something as simple as take a trip to the city alone or go out for dinner alone to temporarily relieve myself - I can’t. Being stuck in my room because I’m depressed is not as bad being stuck in my room because I’m depressed and everyone outside is dying.

3. My parents have been going through a divorce, or so I think? It started but now its been in limbo between them separating and not separating. But its so mentally taxing because every single day my dad mentally abuses my mother and torments my family and my mom does not have the strength to rid herself of over 30 years of marriage. Hearing them fight everyday and seeing my mom be so morbid and depressed in her 50′s is breaking my heart every single second I’m inside the house.

4. I broke up with my first physical girlfriend at least 4 or 5 months ago. I’m over her, I was over her not even days after it, but I think the only thing about it thats been affecting me is the way it ended. She turned around one day and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though I was so careful and delicate about communication and I think it really fucked me up how someone could just turn around in a split second and just decide you no longer matter.

5. My only source of friendship - my online friends, they’ve been really aggressive towards me for a while now. Even when I was still in college and at my peak with irl friends they were being really aggressive towards me. Everyday it feels like they’re tired of my shit, of my existence. They always have a problem with something I say and everyday I feel betrayed and hopeless that these friends I have are not even friends I feel safe to talk to. Maybe its all in my head, but how do I even get it out of my head?

6. I really miss my best friend. I miss her so much. She was the only person I ever met who stuck with me for so long and tried her best to help me learn and develop. She was the only friend who shared so many things in common with me when it came to interests and because I didn’t know any better at the time I fucking ruined it. I knew it would come to it but I really just couldn’t catch my breath when it came to being friends with her. It always felt like everything I experienced with her was so far beyond me. Its so hard to put into words, its a feeling that only exists in my head and in my heart. I’ve learned and grown so much through therapy over the last 2-ish years and I wish I could have another chance to show her how much I’ve grown. I know I already had so many chances but I would do anything to have someone like her be by my side again. I tried reaching out to her and she said she isnt interested. I dont blame her. It hurts a lot but I've gotta accept her feelings. It might be the last time I reach out to anyone. I don't want to make her feel responsible or feel like shit. That's the last thing I want. I'd want her to connect with me again becuase wants to, not because I begged her to.

7. I’m so lonely. Outside of my mom and my online “friends” I’ve got nothing. Nothing at all. I don’t exist outside my room. Theres no other way to put this. its as simple as I’ve got nothing. I really want to just die thinking about it.

8. I was really close to landing a solid job at an airline company before covid became an issue. I was really excited that I was going to get a job so soon after finishing college. I thought even if I was alone at least I would be doing something with my life. And then this pandemic swept the world and that dream got shot down. I was expecting that I could use that job to travel to Japan for free and live a dream that always felt so impossible. I was a step closer to this dream and it got shot down by something so sudden and crazy.

9. The state of the world, humanity, and I guess politics is so draining. Everyday its the same thing over and over again. The country is split in half and everyone hates each other. We live in a world where its so hard to reach out when its almost like every hand is so far off. Its not even just like that in America too which is the fucked up thing. The entire world is dealing with so much hatred and splits and hardships it feels like theres nowhere to run. I’m so tired of politics and hate.

10. The worst part of all of this, is where I was before any of this came to be. It feels like yesterday I had made so many friends on campus and had my best friend to hang out with. It feels like yesterday i was going to the city with friends and going to karaoke and getting drunk with my best friend. It feels like just yesterday I was on discord with my online friends before they felt so distant. it felt like yesterday i was on discord with my friends screaming and joking and laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. It felt like yesterday I was holding my ex’s hand and it felt like yesterday that I could remember how it felt to actually be loved and appreciated. It felt like yesterday my family was all together and we weren’t so depressed and torn. It felt like yesterday I didn’t have to worry about my future. I was still depressed during those times, over different things maybe but even then it felt so different.

When I was depressed back then it still felt like I had something to fall back on. I always thought “well if I don’t have a family at least I have my friends”, “if I dont have my online friends at least I have my best friend”, “if I don’t have my best friend at least i have my girlfriend”. well what now. i’ve got nothing left.

i’m free falling.

i don’t know how much longer i can last.

i’ve always had occasional thoughts of suicide even if I wasn’t even necessarily suicidal. ive never been in a rush to die. i cant say I ever really felt “holy shit I need to fucking end my life right now”.  even right now I don’t feel that way. though I always thought of ways to die. Like I always wondered how I would do  it. But I would always immediately dispel the thought because it felt so wrong and dirty. 

but now. now when I think of suicidal and all the ways I could die i don’t even dispel it. I don’t wash it away immediately. I’m genuinely trying to think of ways I could that would be as quick and painless as possible.

im worried about myself. I need a miracle. i’m free falling and I need to be caught. I can’t do this on my own anymore.

i couldn’t possibly reach out to my mom over this. shes dealing with so much with her divorce, if she knew her son was suicidal all hell would break lose it feels like the very fabric of reality would break. ive been in therapy for around 2 years and ive grown and learned so much but for what?

im still alone and my life is still falling apart, the only difference therapy is offering me is clarity, instead of things seeming so dark is that its clearly dark. its not a foggy kind of depression its a very clear, morbid, understanding kind of depression.

[jujuismental]

Religion. Sigh.

I do understand the need for some sort of religion. Sometimes you need to escape to something. Life is fudgeing unbearable otherwise. You need to make sense of all the people dying and injustice in the world. You need to make yourself feel better about all of that (things will be better and more fair in the afterlife). And most importantly you need to hold people accountable to good and bad (subjective but basically morals). If not for religion, some people (not all) would be doing whatever the fuck filthy things they wanted. Take all these problems you don’t have solutions for and solve them with something called religion.

Religion comes in many forms and every religion claims to be “the right religion”. Especially Islam. Even if the religion acknowledge other religions.. still people fight to death over religion. Because so many religions were created, the world has been divided further beyond race or nationality. The part that no one really seems to question... is the religion you have today is the one you grew up with.... the one you will naturally believe in.... You will laugh at other religions, and dismiss them as silly or wrong. But what’s quite interesting is that if you were born in another place and time you would be born with a different religion and possibly laughing at your current religion.

I grew up muslim and never thought about its credibility because my parents weren’t that strict. All it meant for me was to not eat pork and not kiss boys (boys weren’t my type anyways). I wasn’t concerned about it that much till I started taking religion classes and at the same time dealing with my sexuality. I grew up really confused with my sexuality, and I finally came to terms with it in Gr. 12. But that meant I fit nowhere in my religion. I was reading in the quran that I was to be stoned, and eventually go to hell in the “afterlife”. God suddenly became so evil-like to me. The more I turned the pages, ironically the more I saw him as the devil. Why would God want to burn people whom he has created, over who they love? Why would God silently observe people suffer on Earth over a game of hell or heaven? And jeez, why are women perceived less important than men? Why do they need to cover their hair and their faces and bodies? All this rage led to me watching athiesm vs islam debates on youtube at 4am for half of grade 12. It ended with me deciding to be athiest. But not for long..

A few months later, my dad passed away suddenly. It was the worst time to be athiest.. that would mean I would never see my dad again. He died and thats it. He’s nothing. I found myself needing religion again. I had to revisit the topic. I wanted to see my Dad again. And I realized how important religion was for this very purpose. Yet I still couldn’t agree with its principles and ideas. I still couldn’t fit into any religion, even though I saw the value it brings in times like this.

So..

I compromised to being agnostic. It gave me more peace, knowing that I don’t know if I will see my dad again but I hope I might. The main idea of being agnostic is that you don’t know what you don’t know. You cannot claim the world was created by a God just as much as you cannot claim the world wasn’t created by a God. Ideally you want to believe there’s a God and a meaning behind all of this, because it makes you happier. But just because you want it, doesn’t mean it’s true. I realized that theres no way to tell for sure, so I am at peace being agnostic rather than athiest. It’s not that I don’t believe in a God, I don’t believe I can rely on God.

Something that will always affect me is the idea of death. One day somebody is alive and laughing, the next day they could completely dead in their grave. One by one each organ shuts down. Are we just a mere body in the end? If the soul lives on, does that make sense? But suppose someone gets into an accident that damages their brain. They forget everything, and are almost somebody else. We are nothing without our brain, and the brain is just an organ. Is the soul just an organ?

Although religion isn’t important to me at all, I still struggle with the idea of death and what it means to lose someone permanently. I wonder how I will be able to cope with these things without a religion in the future. I wonder how long my lack of faith will last. If I were to believe in a God, I’d have to invent a more loving one, one that loves me for who I am. One that actually cares about all the people out there. One that doesn’t hide out for millions of years watching silently. One that isn’t obsessed with people worshipping him or her like slaves. That would be a God I would believe in. And that God doesn’t exist (yet). But how come the opposite does? Is God a reflection of humanity or is humanity a reflection of God?

#religion #athiest #agnostic #god #grief

[dropping-a-toaster-in-the-bath]

Release

Ever since I was young, I’ve always enjoyed human nature. I never really caught onto this when I was younger but I think I must of subconsciously been examining the people around me. Whenever I’d go outside, there would always be another person outside on my street, whenever I’d go on a bike ride, it’d always be coincidentally timed with a person I know outside or just some common occurrence of the old man down the street sitting outside on his porch watching the driveway. Looking back, there was never a single day where I had a bike ride where something like that didn’t happen. And I go bike riding at least 3 times a day but there has never been a day where something I knew didn’t happen again. Some people doing their constant yard-work on something important, the others with their garage open while working on cars, the neighbors that give their dog a walk daily. Always something, always something happening in the world around me. Now that i’m older, I can really appreciate the individuality of life. The people that walk past me on the street, they aren’t just blank “NPCs” that exist solely for the point of walking past me to convey the feeling of population. They’re people with their own personal life and stories and it really is amazing to just stop and think about the people you go by. It really makes everyone so interesting as if they’re all little colors on a giant color scale. So many tints, hues, variations, names, they all come together to make something giant. The man you walked past last week with that strange beard, what kind of stories do you think he could tell you? Do you think he could be a veteran, or some sort of lumberjack? Maybe thats too broad of an assumption, what if hes just a normal day-to-day business man with a strange beard? I wonder if he just forgot to shave or maybe thats just how the man likes his beard..These kind of thoughts just kinda float around in my head. I have so many things I could tell people, my life when I was younger, my life now, all the things i’ve done up to this point, my opinions on topics happening in my life right now, my friends, the people i’ve lost, the people I have, the pets I have, the connections i’ve formed with the world around me... That guy that flipped you off yesterday when you may or may not have purposely cut him off? Do you think hes naturally a mean guy? Maybe it was just what you did, or maybe hes just an ass. What if hes a big rude boss, or just a simple and kind working man that was slightly bothered by your actions? Its really special when you just stop and examine everything. Its very unlikely those questions will ever be answered as with all the people in the world, we’ll never get to meet everyone, and all these different possible variations in character, appearance, and beliefs and what they really meant as you probably wont see them again. Sure, in the moment, thoughts like these really don’t matter, as I doubt you’re going to forgive the guy who just hit you in the back with a shopping cart at Walmart due to being unaware but when you stop and look back it brings interesting perspective. Did he do it because he just didn’t like you then played it off as if he wasn’t aware? Did he do it just because he was unaware and there really wasnt anything more to it than that? Maybe the man is just in a rut and personal problems are what caused said unawareness? Its kinda sad, not everything that happens with the people around you will ever be answered. Even so, I still find it fun to just think about those people around me that were never really important to what i was doing, but still helped in assisting the world around me shine. Theres so much personality and thinking and emotion put behind every persons moves. We don’t just get up in the morning because we wake up from sleeping, we get up in the morning because theres things we need to be doing. We aren’t just “going to school” with nothing behind it, were “going to school because while I fucking hate it I’ll probably need what i’m learning in class in the long run”. We don’t just hang out with our friends because the option is there and we can chose it. We hang out with friends because we want to grow closer to them as people and learn more about them, how we differ and how were alike and how we can strengthen our bond to be something more than friends. Its actually kind of head-hurting just trying to think of all the motivation asserting itself from the people around us. That guy next door leaves early in the morning because he has a job to do and god damn it is he gonna do it good to earn for his family. Your teacher isn’t just there because he wants to tell kids what they need to know, hes there because he wants to inform the kids of the next generation, enlighten and help them so they can continue on stronger and better people from what they’ll be learning from him. You aren’t just mad at this dick whose insulting your friends because hes saying mean things, you’re mad because you know what hes saying is false, and you can justify the defense of your pals, you know them better than anyone! At least, from the outside, thats what I think you’re thinking of. We all have our own justice, and we all have our own thoughts and they fuel our actions and our life. While that one dude that left a bad impression with us for being rude may not be favorable to another, may be a beloved person to the next who just made a mistake or possibly struck out with what they thought we’d like. Theres just so many possibilities and that really amazes me, the concept itself is simple but when you stop to look back at it, it really is astounding. As you read this, you may have a plethora of things to say, things that i’ll get, things that I won’t understand how you feel that way, and overall what you say will decide how I feel or think about you. I may not really get to understand or learn about the history thats lead you up to these thoughts and admittedly I probably never will and you may never find out what lead me up to this point and why I feel this way but even then..I find it so intriguing. Everything around me is so cool! I can’t help but appreciate it!  You’ve got so many stories over the years to tell other people, you do so much every day with your own thoughts and aspirations that fuel those movements and actions, you have so much going on in your life that I cant help but just stop and think about it. Its not just me in this huge world thats doing a bunch and experiencing so much, but EVERYONE around me! Everyone around me can turn their whole life into a novel that could go on for thousands and thousands of pages, even if you think you haven’t done much with your life (which I seriously doubt as this is something I thought at first) you could easily fill a thousand pages with just your personal thoughts! What you did yesterday and why it mattered so much to you even though others thought it wasnt really that big at all, how you live your life, how you make your days, how you change the world around you into its own little area that only you can control. Its just all so amazing, its hard to stop wanting to put it into words. I want to tell you everything, even if you happen to be some random person with enough free time to read what I say, I want you to know my perspective, and my upbringing, what I feel, what I think, what I say in comparison to what I think and how that makes me. So, I can be another face that lights up and adds more depth in the world around you. So you know that you aren’t just the only one in this giant world, so you know that each nook and cranny has its own personality that will allow it to bloom into one of the most powerful and unique flowers you’ll never be able to comprehend in mere words!

I want you to know that I wasn’t being rude at the supermarket by not responding to you rather I have a serious problem with being nervous and I just couldn’t figure out how to ask for a job application. 

I want you to know that I didn’t mean to hit your leg while walking down the bus aisle, I tried to reach my backpack pocket and there wasn’t enough time to explain and now I feel embarrassed that I did that and I apologize even thought it was just a small accident, I want you to know that it was an accident. 

I want you to know that I don’t just do strange things because I want to be different, rather those strange things I do are just because I find them fun, even if they are childish! I don’t want to grow up into a serious person, I still fully believe that people can be silly and fun-loving even as an adult and I won’t let the world around me decide how I want to be as a person! 

I want you to know that I want to know if you find how I behave, a bit strange compared to others. Am I that different from the people around me? If so, how so? I want to know why you think that of me. I want more thoughts and perspectives so I as a person can grow and learn and see things from the eyes of others, so I can also grow to be a stronger and more reasonable person! I want to know! 

I want you to know that I as a person lack worldly knowledge and as such I can say things that sound stupid even thought I make good grades! I feel dumb when I do this, I feel like i’ll never be ready for life on my own because I lack that information and it hurts me. I’m a dunce! I can say things that are really really stupid although I seem like a person that wouldn’t say something so dumb!  

I want you to know that I procrastinate way too much, and I have barely invested even half of the time I should of into thinking about my future, I don’t like the idea of having to do work, and I don’t like the idea of having to worry about what life will throw at me because of how thats gone badly for my mother and the more and more I say that the more I feel power, I feel strength, raging through me. I will power through, I didn’t go through all of this for nothing, I won’t succumb like some dying dog, if i’m dying, i’m going down with a fight! People WILL be coming with me! I need to make it through, and theres no other way to prove to myself than to succeed! I want you to know this! I want you to know that I can doubt myself so much, and yet I can still believe in myself at the same time, I can get mad at this world and at the same time find such reliance in it. I want you to know that i’m not just a faceless person that just walked past, or made accidental eye contact via car driving past, or two eyes meeting in class while being bored. I can hate, yet I can love people at the same time! I can hate myself and the things I do, but I can still love myself for who I am, and what I embody! I just want you to know. I really do. Even if you dont care, even if I dont matter to you, even if i’ll be just another person you forget. Even if what i say is rude, even if what I say is stupid, even if what I say makes me look worse as a person. Letting you know something about me will be worth it in my book. 

I love having all these opinions and thoughts and matters in my life, even if when i’m with my friends I jokingly shove them away! I really really appreciate and respect them and hold them close, even if they even aren’t that big! The world around me also feels like this, like everything has something to say even if they wont or can’t say it and that what makes it so interesting and never something I will be able to grow tired of. There is so much individuality in everything and depth in everyone around you that no two stories will ever be identical. Every person has movements, that are shaped by what they’ve gone through even though I may never learn of what the things that shaped them were- things only they as people can speak as loud as I can about what I want you to know about me, and I can appreciate the “beauty” in that. I can appreciate the “beauty” in you, as I can appreciate the “beauty” in this world. 

#3deep5me #thoughts #im having a serious day okay? #I feel so much better after writing this #yeh I can be kinda hypocritical #This world is beautiful

[jasonvtodd]

comic crash course for @thomasflint & @pansexualbcky 💙 I’ve included Image, Marvel & DC comics ✌ (run, run while ya’ll still can) normal font is my thoughts on the runs and italicized fonts are official summaries  

IMAGE

lazarus (2013) i just sorta accidentally stumbled onto this series by mistake but its so worth reading. strong female character who (as you’d guess by the title) can come back from the dead and kicks goddamn ass while looking damn good

In a dystopian near-future, government is a quaint concept, resources are coveted, and possession is 100% of the law. A handful of Families rule, jealously guarding what they have and exploiting the Waste who struggle to survive in their domains. Forever Carlyle defends her family's holdings through deception and force as their protector, their Lazarus. Shot dead defending the family home, Forever's day goes downhill from there... 

east of west (2013)  (hickman idk if you’ve heard the name before but hes done a lot of marvel runs here and there) is the same deal as lazarus. i dont know many (if any) people who have read it like the above, but i think thats cause they’re aimed at more mature ‘older’ readers kinda deal. this is also a really good comic series which deals with the four horsemen of the apocalypse and this whole other storyline which is jsut pretty cool and a good ride

   This is the world. It is not the one we wanted, but it is the one we deserved. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse roam the Earth, signaling the End Times for humanity, and our best hope for life, lies in DEATH.

MARVEL

iron man, vol. 1 issue #172 (1983) am i going to start this marvel rec list off with tony stark? you’re goddamn right i am. not only that... a stony favourite of mine friend. idc what your quams. this is me. you know who i am. now, anyway, this issue... fuckfu cufkc fuCK me right up scotty. it shows you tony in the worst of his fall down into his alcoholism and steve mentions how his father was an alcoholic and tries to talk tony back to reality... you’re an intelligent man. you must know what you’re doing to yourself with every single drop of that stuff you drink. you have everything, man you have your own company, you have plenty of money, you’re an electronics genius. women find you attractive. you’re respected in the community, you have a brilliant future ahead of you (this is honestly one of my favourites i own)

hawkeye, vol. 1 (1983) this is clints first solo run, its only four issues but i highly recommend it. you get to see bobbi morse in action too which is always a Good Time

Enthralled in his relationship, Clint opens up to new girlfriend Sheila Danning about his super hero origin. The date ends abruptly when Hawkeye investigates a break-in at Cross Technologies…and the intruder’s none other than Mockingbird! Is Cross Tech involved in illegal affairs that are destroying the environment? Mockingbird seems to think so, and she'll stop at nothing to convince Hawkeye! 

iron man: iron monger (1985) He's lost his armor and his fortune, but not his nerve! Tony Stark's back on his feet after everything Obadiah Stane has thrown at him, but now the bilious billionaire is taking away Stark's friends...one of them forever! The enmity spanning more than thirty issues ends in a steel-plated slugfest from which only one can walk away! Plus: vision quests and extradimensional intrigue! Madame Masque and Thundersword! And the debut of the Scourge of the Underworld! Guest-starring the West Coast Avengers!

iron man: armor wars (1987) this is such a good old school tony run as it shows you (that everyone always seems to overlook or pretend isnt Important) tonys guilt that is constantly weighing him for so many things and his own battle with him self

Millionaire industrialist Tony Stark is an inventive genius who has dedicated all of his enormous financial and intellectual resources to a single guiding principle: the creation of technology for the betterment of humanity. Stark's greatest creation is a modern-day miracle: a suit of form-fitting, strength-enhancing, steel-mesh armor he dons to become the living symbol of his ideals, the Invincible Iron Man! But when Stark discovers that the same technology he used to create the Iron Man armor - technology so secret he didn't even dare patent it - is now in the hands of several deadly super-villains, he feels responsible for the evil they have done with the high-tech tools he unwittingly provided. In the face of objections from his government, friends, colleagues and fellow super heroes, Stark swears to use the power of Iron Man to bring the evil to an end - and to take back what's his. The Beatle, Stilt Man, the Controller, Stingray, the Mandroids, the Guardsmen and Firepower don't know it yet, but they've got a problem. The world's most powerful force for good isn't playing by the rules anymore. And he's coming for them.

the infinity gauntlet (2000) soon as avengers infinity wars got announced and thanos started popping up with his gauntlet and infinity stones... i looked this up and was curious. annd wowow what a ride ok thanos is fucking ruthless and this shows it. thing i love about comics is when everyone dies in one whole page... u dont even rlly mind cause u know they’ll be fine somehow lololol #me when reading this (was it still stressful how it all went down? yes) 

For the dark Titan, Thanos, the Infinity Gauntlet was the Holy Grail, the ultimate prize to be coveted above all else. Now, on the edge of Armageddon and led by the mysterious Adam Warlock, Earth's super heroes join in a desperate attempt to thwart this nihilistic god's insane plunge into galactic self-destruction.

captain america, vol. 1 issue #401 (1992) clint ‘im an adult’ barton jumps on mopey steves bed and tony walks into a bar despite just overcoming his recent rehab from alcohol just to speak to steve and tells him in this crazy business we’re in, there’s no one I’d miss more than you. And I… well… you’re an inspiration to me, Steve is my goal to make you ship stony (and all its canon ass shit in its beauty)?? you’re goddamn right 

Clint Barton nags Cap into going out to a bar where Steve confesses he has given up on having a normal life to concentrate in his hero activities. Tony Stark arrives unexpectedly and he and Steve hash out their differences going back to the Armor Wars and make up.

tales of suspense, vol. 2 (1992) is possibly hard to find (but i’d be more then willing to buy for presents for the Feels) but ohmYGODDDDDDDD steve talking about tony in his suit and tony talking about steves clear, azure eyes like ok yeah... thats not gay... at all....... stony isnt canon pshaw...  Tony Stark and his armor. His wonderful metal suit. The end result of all the technology he’s mastered in his hands the ultimate weapon for good. A good that I can never hope to equal. ... psha...w???   Captain America. Steve. I look at your handsome face… into your clear, azure eyes.. and, as ever, I feel the same guilty envy.

captain america: operation rebirth what a good. you get badass sharon carter action, a solid good classic red skull as steves nemesis, and just overall a good captain america read. probably one of my favourite cap trades i have

He was the greatest hero that ever lived. But now the legacy of Steve Rogers had come to an end - the serum that coursed through Captain America's veins killed him. Now, 47 years later, Captain America is brought back to lif e to do battle with evil. 

deadpool, vol. 1 (1997) i have the omnibus and so have only read the first 33 issues plus some specials.... but... lOOK listen... l i s t en ... this is what made me fall in love with wade wilson ok and the reaosn why i enjoyed the deadpool (2016) film so much. because they included so much material from this run in it so well i want to goddamn cry about it (i sometimes do) let me also say though as you can guess... it is wade wilson so suffice to say lolol you gotta be in the mood for it but i highly recommend it

iron man, vol. 3 (1998) first comics i ever read so they hold a special place in my heart. you also get rumiko fujikawa, whom, is probably the only best canon relationship you see tony in in all of 616 to this day. forever salty and bitter over the fact that she just got forgotten about over time. like wades run above, ive only read the first 30 issues of this too so i cant speak of the rest of the run (which i will finish someday i swear it) but was a real good introduction to iron man comics in general and just a good time with cameos from nat (black widow) early on and other known characters pop in and out. shows tonys friendship with carol danvers which!! is!! so!! important!!! and never gets spoken about either after this run much to my knowledge which im always salty over because they both help each other through alcoholism and their struggles. and they both pick each other up when the other has fallen back down to the bottle or is on the brink of doing so.

   It's a new beginning for Iron Man as Kurt Busiek and Sean Chen reinvent the Armored Avenger! Tony Stark is back, with a new company, Stark Solutions...but the Mandarin plans to destroy Tony's dreams before they take shape! And if that's not enough, Iron Man must face Firebrand, Whiplash, MODOK, Controller, Fin Fang Foom, Count Nefaria, the Exemplars, Ultimo and the all-new War Machine - while romancing the beautiful Rumiko Fujikawa and protecting his secret identity! 

black widow, vol. 1 (1999) nats first solo run, only 3 issues and highly recommended

    Natasha Romanov has always led an exciting life - first as a Cold War-era Soviet spy, followed by her defection to the West. She has earned a reputation through the years as a consummate professional, coldly efficient and as deadly as her namesake. Now, her time as Black Widow may be at an end. Yelena Belova, the new Black Widow, seeks to claim the mantle she feels was stolen from her Motherland. Trained in the arts of espionage and combat, and anxious to prove herself and eliminate her counterpart, Belova will stop at nothing to achieve her goal. 

avengers: red zone (2003) steve and tony are stupid and literally give up oxygen for one another to live. self sacrificing jackasses. tony doesnt even hesitate ok i hate him so much (really cool storyline though)

When the Red Skull infiltrates the United States government, he authorizes a biological weapon to be released from the peaks of Mount Rushmore, and it is up the Avengers to contain it! Under the direction of creators Geoff Johns and Olivier Coipel, the Avengers face a threat unlike any they've ever faced - then they take on the Red Skull himself!

secret war (2004) Starring Wolverine, Spider-Man, Daredevil, Captain America, Black Widow, Luke Cage and more! Brian Michael Bendis, the most popular and acclaimed writer in comics, reveals the darkest chapter in Marvel Universe history! When Nick Fury discovers a disturbing connection between many of Marvel's deadliest villains, he assembles a ragtag team of the MU's most misunderstood heroes for a secret mission to do what the U.S. government could never allow - eventually leading to a super-powered blowout between a who's who of NYC heroes and mutants!

cable and deadpool (2004) i think this was my first introduction to wade (either this or his first vol.) and how gay him and nathan summers are like wowow what a duo ok. shipping aside these guys have such hilarious, great dynamics together throughout the whole series and im forever salty we didnt get more of them (50 issues wasnt enough ok)

Wade Wilson is Deadpool, the mentally disturbed merc with a mouth and a healing factor that just won't quit! Nathan Summers is Cable, the messianic mutant from the future who plans to save us all - whether we want him to or not! And now, this disparate duo has just become Marvel's oddest couple - because they're stuck with one another! Can two grown men armed to the teeth with high-rech weaponry coexist without driving each other crazy?! It's action, adventure, time travel, dimension-hopping, black humor, black-ops, Bea Arthur, chimichangas - yes, that whole thing started here - and lots of gunfire as two of Marvel's fan-favorite antiheroes take on each other and everyone else!

new avengers, vol. 1 (2005) steve and tony co-parent a new team after all the core ‘original’ members of the team parted ways after clints ‘death’ quality stony aside, this run (for the first 20 issues before civil war happened) was such a fun ride and introduced me to a lot of other characters i hadnt read much of before and is probably one of my favourite marvel runs

In the aftermath of Avengers Disassembled come the New Avengers With the Avengers disbanded following an attack by one of the team's oldest members, a shadowy villain has taken advantage of their absence to initiate his ominous plans. Employing Electro to disrupt the electrical systems of the maximum-security prison known as the Raft, hundreds of super-powered villains are freed to wreak havoc on New York. Without the Avengers to answer the call, a group of heroes must form a makeshift alliance to subdue the rampaging villains and save the city. In the heat of battle, this new team fills the void left by the Avengers' demise - the New Avengers. After shocking the Marvel fans with the series-shattering "Avengers Disassembled" storyline, writer Brian Michael Bendis and artist David Finch begin an all-new chapter in Marvel Comics history with New Avengers. Featuring a cast of fan-favorite characters including Wolverine, Captain America, Iron Man, Spider-Man and Spider-Woman teamed with the hard-edged heroes Luke Cage and the Sentry, New Avengers presents a 21st-century revitalization of the classic Avengers concept. Plus: The mystery of the Sentry revealed. The Avengers try to help the most powerful super hero in the world figure out who he is and where he came from. But will this knowledge destroy the man they're trying to help?

CIVIL WAR TIE INS ok so it goes without saying if you get into marvel comics, civil war is an event that i think you should read just so you have as its one of the biggest and well known events it’s had. the aftermath of it affects 616 massively and its better if you know the gist of what happened. it has 7 core issues which you can read here. i’m just not putting it on my rec list as a rec per say as i am not a fan of how it was written and find it extremely problematic, and ooc for both steve and tony with many of what they say/do. in saying all that i am a fan of some of the tie ins it had (there’s like 500 million different civil war tie ins m8 its a mess, don’t even try to read them all. i just went for my favourite characters and was happy to find they were handled really well)

iron man/captain america: casualties of war (2007) a whole issue recapping steve and tonys greatest hits in 616 (when people try to tell me that stony isnt canon i get so goddamn amused because this is the one of many comics i could pull out and school ya’ll with) 

In the midst of Civil War, Captain America and Iron Man meet secretly, one last time, to see if there's any hope of working things out before further tragedy occurs. Don't miss this oversized special that reveals how these two men, once the closest of friends and staunchest of allies, could end up leading opposing armies in the conflict tearing apart the Marvel Universe!

winter soldier: winter kills (2007) remember that time mcu decided to bring in bucky into civil war when he didnt even make an appearance GOOD times buck stops by the city during civil war and stays on the outskirts and decides to school the young avengers on How Shit Gets Done (this issue is one of my favourites bucky wise)

In the midst of the harsh division of the Civil War, James Buchanan Barnes, Captain America's one-time partner Bucky, faces his first Christmas of the 21st century. And faces the truth of the terrible things he was forced to do as the Winter Soldier. And with Cap caught in a conflict he can neither take a side of - or understand - what moves can he make to try to redeem himself? And what do Hydra have planned for New York this Christmas? Featuring guest appearances by the Young Avengers and some of the original Invaders, this Special issue is an action-packed character study that defines the Winter Soldier's future place in the Marvel Universe.

civil war: front line, issue #11 (2007) steve and tony both get interviewed after steves ‘loss’ 

The final issue is here! Follow Ben Urich and Sally Floyd on the quest for the truth about Civil War! Discover the dark legacy of Robbie Baldwin, formerly known as Speedball, now called Penance!

civil war: iron man (2007)  Two tales of suspense ripped from the pages of Civil War Captain America has fallen into a clash with his government and his friends, and the people close to him are paying the price. The life of Cap's girlfriend, Agent 13, is torn apart as her superiors use her divided loyalties against her. Elsewhere, a new villain emerges; the Red Skull begins to make himself known; and the Winter Soldier again comes face-to-face with Cap. Meanwhile, get inside the mind of of Tony Stark, and learn why he feels superhuman registration is necessary - and why he's taken it upon himself to lead the charge for its implementation Big changes are in store for Iron Man in the post-Civil War landscape, and the build-up begins here.

civil war: spider-man (2007) Life couldn't be more complicated - or more dangerous - for Peter Parker. After rushing to the aftermath of the Stamford Massacre to offer aid to its victims, Peter travels with Tony Stark to Washington, D.C., and the White House - where the enactment of the Super Hero Registration Act appears imminent. As the Marvel Universe braces for the implications of legislation that will forever change the societal status of super heroes, Peter is forced to make an important personal decision - maybe the most important decision of his life. As Civil War tears apart the super hero community, will Spidey stay true to that decision?

captain america, vol. 5 issue #25 (2007) steves ‘death’

civil war: the confession (2007) dont fucking do this to yourself. if you’ve read the song of achilles...  think of this as a single issue comic form of tsoa (i dont want to talk about it ok not ever)

fallen son: the death of captain america (2007) these comics were done so incredibly well. each issue deals with one of the five stages of death and shows you how affected and how shaken every member of the superhero and otherwise was by steves death. peter parkers deals with depression and the black suit comes out and i fucking want to puke just thinking about it. tony ‘ive grown up in the spotlight and known how to play audiences and fake it and show im Fine’ stark cant even speak on the podium and has to step away and is shaking and im emo go away

Can the world accept the death of a true hero? In the wake of a tragedy, we visit the top heroes of the Marvel Universe. How do people with amazing powers face a force that no one can fight? Is more violence coming? Featuring Wolverine, the Mighty Avengers, the New Avengers, Spider-Man and Iron Man!

MARVEL - CONTINUED

captain america, vol. 5 issues #26-50 (2007) after steves death... there is no longer a captain america. that is, until... james buchanan barnes decides to pick up the mantle (after much coaxing and support from tony, sam, nat and sharon) and continue steves legacy.... though... he does things a little different. he uses guns and the villians literally shit themselves its fucking hilarious. crossbones i think at one point straight up just yells at him saying CAPTAIN AMERICA DOESNT USE GUNS! ‘this captain america does’ my hero uwu i love this run for a lot of reasons... it was the first time i got to see buckynat and learn their origins from the red room, you get to see their dynamics in current day and how well they still work together, tony and bucky have very good scenes together and you get to see a letter steve left tony asking him to look after bucky (fuck dont talk to me about how steve... despite everything that they were going through during civil war... steve still entrusted tony with the one thing that means everything to him since he first became captain america... his friend, his once sidekick, his bucky) to save bucky from himself and dont come near me ok. you also get bucky and sam wilson working together which 😂😂😂 good fcking lord ok look at this Quality Content the only compliant i have about these issues is the treatment of sharon carter with what they ended up doing to her yikes

In the aftermath of the fabled hero's assassination, Agent 13, Bucky Barnes, the Falcon, Black Widow, and Iron Man come together again in a desperate attempt to keep his dream alive. But the collapse of Steve Rogers' dream was merely the first step in the wicked machinations of the Red Skull, who is determined to see the death of America follow soon after the death of the Captain. As the Skull's master plan kicks into motion, and chaos begins to take hold of the United States, only one man stands in its way - but is he up to the task? Freed from the psychosis that transformed him into the relentless mercenary known as the Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes is called on to live up to the dream in ways he never imagined. Eisner Award-winning writer Ed Brubaker refuses to let up on the action, suspense, and human drama in a tale that ties together all eras of the star-spangled warrior's history. {sidenote: if you’re a bucky fan and want to know more backstory with him in 616, check out the winter soldier arc which is the first 14 issues in this same run}

young avengers, vol. 1 (2005) this first vol. is heavily underrated and doesnt get spoken about as much as its following vol. you have lgbt rep with billy & teddy who are just the purest most sweetest beans and you get kate bishop before you meet her in fractions hawkeye and shes just Wonderful

When the original Avengers disband, a team of teenage heroes comes together to fill the gap. Their first order of business: surviving the wrath of Kang the Conqueror and weathering the disapproval of the adult Avengers Next, the newly formed Young Avengers take on super-powered sadist Mister Hyde, the extraterrestrial Super-Skrull and a full-scale alien invasion, juggling their parents and their private lives at the same time.

alias (2006) Meet Jessica Jones, a former costumed super hero who, in fact, stunk at it. With powers unremarkable in comparison to the great icons of Marvel, Jessica never found her niche. But once she hung up her cape, she was surprised at how quickly she fell out of the spandex loop. Sure, she may hang out with some of the Avengers socially, but she`s not welcome in Avengers Mansion. And she feels the rejection. She`s self-destructive, drinks too much, and has a huge inferiority complex. And did we mention that she's now a Private Investigator who specializes in cases of the super human variety? So if you're thirsty for the film noir feel and complex characterization, grab a stool at the bar!

mythos: captain america (2008)  He may be dead, but now you can find out how the man became the legend! Mythos revisits Steve Rogers’ transformation from a weakling with a heart of steel to the Sentinel of Liberty! From the mind of Paul Jenkins’ and the stunning art of Paolo Rivera comes the origin of CAPTAIN AMERICA!

invincible iron man (2008) remember that time tony stark wiped out his goddamn BRAIN to protect the identities of every last superhero he knew? remember when we got pepper as rescue being fucking badass and gorgeous in her own suit? 

Looking for some old school Iron Man super-heroics? Want to see Shellhead let loose with his repulsors? Filled with page-to-page action, this book shows the Armored Avenger doing what he does best: fighting big name villains armed to the teeth with deadly technology in between jet-setting around the world as billionaire playboy Tony Stark. 

secret invasion (2008) like civil war, i think this is another marvel event that deserves to be read and should be read if you’d like to understand certain things that follow it in the 616 universe. as well as i did quite enjoy this storyline {sidenote: read secret invasion: the infiltration beforehand if you plan to read this}

spider-woman (2009) jessica drews first solo run. you find out her origins and the art is absolutely stunning. definatly worth checking out.

The team of Brian Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev return to a Marvel comic for the first time since their Eisner award-winning run on Daredevil. Ripped from the pages of Secret Invasion and New Avengers, this explosive chapter follows the new adventures of Jessica Drew, aka: Spider-Woman, as she rediscovers her life in a world she did not make.   

young allies comics 70th anniversary special (2009)  a really cool buck comic flashing back to his day as bucky and flash-forwarding too bucky!cap

Before they were Invaders, Bucky Barnes and Toro the Flaming Kid joined forces with four teen-age friends to battle the Third Reich as the Young Allies! Their fictionalized adventures thrilled readers on the Home Front throughout World War II, but their real story has never been told -- until now! Discover the truth behind comics' original kid gang! Action! Intrigue! Adventure!

deadpool: suicide kings (2009) Deadpool's latest job has gotten him into a world of trouble. Everyone wants a piece of him - and for a crime he didn't commit That's right: Someone's framed Deadpool, and it just might be the same guy who hired him in the first place, a guy who just might be using the mouthy merc as a wild card in a twisted wager. If Wade's going to clear his name and serve up some revenge, he's first got to avoid getting captured - or killed - by some of the Marvel Universe's heaviest hitters: Daredevil, the Punisher, and Spider-Man. Plus, see what happens when Deadpool goes behind the scenes of "Pain Factor" - the reality TV game show so controversial, it's been banned around the world.

deadpool: merc with a mouth (2009) It's the Merc with two mouths! Deadpool travels to the Savage Land to retrieve what might be the deadliest bioweapon the universe has ever seen. What is this deadly object? Well, Deadpool's employer is being a little vague about that. Let's just say when the secret is finally revealed, it's enough to throw even the Merc with two Mouths for a loop.

iron man noir (2010) Marvel's Noir line ranks among the most intriguing of the alternate-universe superhero reimaginings. Through the lens of Depression-era New York, the likes of Spider-Man, Luke Cage, and Wolverine have a harsher, tougher light cast on their essential characters. Snyder (American Vampire) rips a page from Indiana Jones' notebook and turns Tony Stark into a hard-charging adventurer who must come to terms with a troubled psyche as he races the Nazis for possession of an ancient "metal of the gods." From exploring the deep sea to invading military strongholds, Garcia delivers gritty action to match the drama and darker hues to capture the tone. With appearances by the Noir versions of other Marvel regulars (Sub-Mariner Noir, for instance), this is a fine treat for fans, and although newcomers will enjoy it, too, they should be warned that this isn't Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man. The one major drawback, as with so many mainstream collections lately, is its brevity, at only four collected issues.

avengers prime (2010) the first time steve and tony properly talk to each other since the events of civil war. basically a brotrip to asgard and shenanigans with naked horseback riding ensues. this is such a fun 5 issue ride 20/10 to recommend one of my favourites

They were friends, brothers and teammates through all of Marvel's greatest adventures, but recent events turned them into the bitterest of enemies. In the wake of the Siege of Asgard Thor, Iron Man and Steve Rogers are brought together on the same side once more, but these great heroes can't truly trust each other yet. They better start soon because something only the Big Three can handle is tearing their world apart. This all-new, grand and dangerous adventure will catapult our heroes into the explosive Heroic Age and will unite comics legend Alan Davis with Avengers scribe Brian Bendis for the very first time.   

black widow: the name of the rose (2010) some cute buckynat stuff plus overall just a good natasha story

Natasha Romanoff is not a super hero. And yet as the Black Widow, she manages to hold her own against a world of incredibly powerful enemies and allies. But now someone has tried to kill Natasha and almost succeeded. Now she sets out to find her attacker with no suspects and no leads. Who could be deadly enough to get the drop on Natasha? 

winter soldier (2012) bucks first solo run by brubaker which is highly entertaining with nat along for the ride. when winter soldier (2014) got announced i ran around looking for every comic with buck in it i could get my hands on and this run was such a ride to get an introduction to him in 616 for the first time. we just ignore the shitty writing choices made at the end re: buckynat yes sir we do

He's been Bucky and Captain America - now, James Barnes returns to the role of the Winter Soldier! They're the super-spies of the Marvel Universe - and when ex-Russian sleeper agents awaken, Bucky and the Black Widow must go on the hunt for men trained by the Winter Soldier himself. But when the trail leads to Latveria, Bucky comes face-to-face with Dr. Doom! Can Bucky and the Widow prevent war with Latveria? Can Bucky stop the sleepers he himself trained? 

hawkeye, vol. 4 (2012) for people who don’t even read comics... to try and get them into comics? i hand them this. this run is hands down probably one of the best things marvel has ever produced and is the Clint Barton we deserve. just give me a neftlix hawkeye series based on this and i can die happy. the writing is fanfuckingtastic and the art is very well done too. we get kate bishop fighting alongside clint and you get lucky aka pizza dog (for who has a whole issue of a Day in the life of, its fab) you get being reminded that as much as 616 likes to forget about it... clint barton is canonically deaf and does in fact know sign language and just... just read this. if you only read one thing off this entire list? make it this

The second Hawkeye ongoing series by Matt Fraction and David Aja, the creative team behind Immortal Iron Fist. The legendary superhero during his time when he is NOT being an Avenger. Clint Barton becomes a landlord and a pet owner, but in the process makes some deadly enemies. Plus, can he balance a relationship and a friendship with a certain red-headed Russian spy, ex-wife, and flirtatiousfemme fatale? The series had one Hawkeye Annual. This series lasted 22 issues, after which it was continued into All-New Hawkeye with a new team. 

captain marvel, vol. 7 (2012) carols first solo run as captain marvel :) The "Mightiest" of Earth's Mightiest Heroes is back! Ace pilot. Legendary Avenger. One hundred percent pure bad-@$$. Carol Danvers has a new name, a new mission - and all the power she needs to make her own life a living hell. As the new Captain Marvel, Carol is forging from a challenge from her past! It's a firefight in the sky as the Banshee Squadron debut - but who are the Prowlers, and where has Carol seen them before? And how does secret NASA training program Mercury 13 fit in? Witness Captain Marvel in blazing battlefield action that just may change the course of history! Avengers Time Travel Protocols: engage! 

a babies vs. x-babies (2012) bucky bear. need i say more?  It's coming--and it's bringing babies with it! Who will live? Who will die? Who will get diaper rash? Find out as the X-Babies face the A-Babies in the tie-in to end all tie-ins!

black widow (2014) gorgeous art by noto (iconic) + fantastic writing  You've seen Black Widow as an Avenger and even an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. But on her own time she searches for atonement for her past as a KGB assassin - in ways of which those teams just wouldn't approve. The Black Widow goes undercover in Russia, but from its cold streets, the Hand of God reaches out to crush her...and it is as merciless as its name implies. Outmatched by the brute force of a powerful new villain, Natasha faces her deadliest test, and discovers a deadly plot unfolding that spans the entire globe.

hawkeye vs. deadpool (2014) wade teams up with clint (team up is a strong word... more like wade keeps harassing clint till he caves and helps) and its highly entertaining 

Once upon a time, champions emerged to fight the evil plaguing humanity. They fought for all that was good in the world. They were kind, generous and self-sacrificing. They were heroes. These are not those heroes. Meet Hawkeye: ladies man ("ladies man" because the ladies love to hate this man), mighty marksman and, most importantly, Avenger. He's the only guy on the team without any powers, though. Then there's Deadpool (Mr. Deadpool to you), the regeneratin' degenerate. You can shoot him, stab him, and punch him right in his face, but nothing can keep the Merc with a Mouth down. What do they have in common? Halloween in Brooklyn, and a S.H.I.E.L.D. espionage mystery that has both heroes racing the clock! But will Deadpool and Hawkeye kill each other before they figure it out?

captain marvel, vol. 8 (2014) Hero! Pilot! Avenger! Captain Marvel, Earth's Mightiest Hero with an attitude to match, is back and launching headfirst into an all-new ongoing adventure! As Captain Marvel, a.k.a. Carol Danvers, comes to a crossroads with a new life and new romance, she makes a dramatic decision that will alter the course of her life - and the entire Marvel Universe - in the months to come. But as Carol takes on a mission to return an alien girl to her homeworld, she lands in the middle of an uprising against the Galactic Alliance! Investigating the forced resettlement of Rocket Girl's people, Carol discovers that she has a history with the man behind the plot. But when the bad guy tries to blackmail Carol and turn the Avengers against her, it's payback time! Guest-starring the Guardians of the Galaxy!

silk, vol. 1 (2015) Cindy Moon exploded out of her bunker and into the Marvel Universe when we first learned that she had been bitten by the same radioactive spider from the first arc of AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. She then went on to save Peter Parker's life (more than once!) and traverse the Spider-Verse alongside Spider-Woman. Now, as SILK, Cindy is on her own in New York City, searching for her past, defining her own future, and webbing up wrong-doers along the way! Robbie Thompson (writer from TV's SUPERNATURAL) fills this new story with his unique blend of antics and feels. Featuring interiors by future superstar Stacey Lee. 

I’ve been behind in 616 for a few years now, so there’s probably a lot of good runs i’ve left out... but these are just all ones that i’ve personally read and have enjoyed os hopefully there’s a few in here that catch your interest and you also enjoy (616 is currently a mess though with the hydracap fiasco and tonys in a godddamn coma, rhodeys dead and im still salty about everything so dont go there with me #intro post to being a comics fan) also i highly recommend checking out marvel masterworks trades as they’re great to own and such a blast back to the past

DC

batman: year one (1987) A young Bruce Wayne has spent his adolescence and early adulthood, traveling the world so he could hone his body and mind into the perfect fighting and investigative machine. But now as he returns to Gotham City, he must find a way to focus his passion and bring justice to his city. Retracing Batman's first attempts to fight injustice as a costumed vigilante, we watch as he chooses a guise of a giant bat, creates an early bond with a young Lieutenant James Gordon, inadvertently plays a role in the birth of Catwoman, and helps to bring down a corrupt political system that infests Gotham.

batman: a death in the family (1988) fuck dont do this to yourself man. this is the storyline that brutally killed off jason todd in ‘88 because there weren’t enough votes to save him (i will hunt them all down one day i swear on jays name) as painful as it is, i think its worth checking out as you get an insight into jason as a robin and how his death came to be (cry he was too trusting and cared too much and his mother didnt deserve him)

Batman readers were allowed to vote on the outcome of the story and they decided that Robin should die! As the second person to assume the role of Batman's sidekick, Jason Todd had a completely different personality than the original Robin. Rash and prone to ignore Batman's instructions, Jason was always quick to act without regard to consequences. In this fatal instance, Robin ignores his mentor's warnings when he attempts to take on the Joker by himself and pays the ultimate price. Driven by anger with Superman by his side, Batman seeks his vengeance as he looks to end the Joker's threat forever.

batman: knightfall, vol. 1 (1993)  Villainous Bane breaks the Bat. He releases the inmates of Arkham Asylum to create chaos. Batman must push himself to physical and mental limits and capture Joker, Poison Ivy, Riddler, Killer Croc and more. But is Bruce Wayne still beneath the mask? Original Part One: Broken Bat + Two: Who Rules the Night.

nightwing, vol. 1 (1995)  Dick briefly considers retiring from being Nightwing forever before family papers uncovered by Alfred reveal a possible link between the murder of the Flying Graysons and the Crown Prince of Kravia.

nightwing, vol. 2 (1996) The solo book sees the former Robin trying to be his own man, but often leads him back to his roots with Batman. Having left Bludhaven, Nightwing is now re-inventing himself and rediscovering his passion for crimefighting.

nightwing: alfred’s return (1995) After leaving Gotham City at the end of "KnightsQuest," Alfred travels to London. But when a young man who may be his son comes under fire, Alfred calls on Nightwing to mount a rescue mission.

batman: the long halloween (1996) this was such a cool, dark story and was a major influence in nolans film regarding the friendship between dent, jim gordon and bruce as batman. 

Taking place during Batman's early days of crime fighting, this new edition of the classic mystery tells the story of a mysterious killer who murders his prey only on holidays. Working with District Attorney Harvey Dent and Lieutenant James Gordon, Batman races against the calendar as he tries to discover who Holiday is before he claims his next victim each month. A mystery that has the reader continually guessing the identity of the killer, this story also ties into the events that transform Harvey Dent into Batman's deadly enemy, Two-Face.

batman: dark victory (1999) The sequel to the critically acclaimed BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN, DARK VICTORY continues the story of an early time in Batman's life when James Gordon, Harvey Dent, and the vigilante himself were all just beginning their roles as Gotham's protectors.Once a town controlled by organized crime, Gotham City suddenly finds itself being run by lawless freaks, such as Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, and the Joker. Witnessing his city's dark evolution, the Dark Knight completes his transformation into the city's greatest defender. He faces multiple threats, including the apparent return of a serial killer called Holiday. Batman's previous investigation of Holiday's killings revealed that more than one person was responsible for the murders. So the question remains: who is committing Holiday's crimes this time? And how many will die before Batman learns the truth?

robin: year one (2000) Already entrenched in the Batcave and his official training complete, young Dick Grayson has a world of experience to gain, and a ton of new enemies to make, beginning with the truly insane Mad Hatter! Ultimately, over the course of YEAR ONE, Robin crosses paths with many crazed villains in Batman's Rogues Gallery and makes a new deadly enemy for himself, one whose impact will be felt in the present-day pages of NIGHTWING! ROBIN: YEAR ONE explores many facets of Dick's early days as Robin, including his struggle to live a "normal" childhood while continuing to serve not only as the Boy Wonder, but also as the ward of one of the world's most visible, richest and eligible businessmen, Bruce Wayne. Not unlike BATMAN: YEAR ONE, which became an enduring classic because of its account of a hero in the making, ROBIN: YEAR ONE will reveal how Dick became the hero he is today.

harley quinn, vol. 1 (2000) remember that time i was reading a harley quinn comic and dick grayson stopped by and i fell in love and got more into dc and batfam? GOOD TIMES uwu ah, memories. harley has pet hyenes need you know more? 

HARLEY QUINN is not the story of an honorable woman and her quest for justice. Instead, it’s a love story gone horribly, horribly, horribly wrong, especially in the first extra-length issue, as the Joker's girlfriend must do without Mister J's "calming" influence. And considering just how many sandwiches short of a picnic Harley is, you know this book's going to be wild! Harley is driven to astounding lengths to free her loony lover. And that's just in the first seven pages. What follows is too strange for words, though it does involve one itsy-bitsy cameo by Batman. Just one! Once you see life through the eyes of Harley Quinn, you'll find she makes a lot more sense. Would you believe a little more sense? {sidenote: remember when batman animated writers originally only created harley quinn as a character for the joker to beat on and treat like shit? but then dc fixed themselves by making her more then that and developing her properly and fleshing her out in her on solo fun? good times yes}

batman: gotham knights, issue #17 (2001) bruce officially adopts dick  "Matatoa" part 2! Batman battles for his life with the eternal shaman whose destiny includes killing the Dark Knight and taking on his nocturnal crime-fighting duties! It would secure Batman a safe, crime-free Gotham City for all eternity--but at what cost does it all truly come?

batman: hush (2002)  BATMAN: HUSH is a thrilling mystery of action, intrigue, and deception penned by Jeph Loeb (BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN) and illustrated by comics superstar Jim Lee (ALL STAR BATMAN & ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER) in which Batman sets out to discover the identity of a mysterious mastermind using the Joker, Riddler, Ra's al Ghul and the Dark Knight's other enemies - and allies - as pawns in a plan to wreak havoc.

green lantern, vol. 4 (2005) that time i read all 67 issues of gl within a few days because i fell hard for the short tempered piece of shit hal jordan

Hal Jordan has returned to the role of Green Lantern and taken up residence in rebuilt Coast City. This series examines Hal's re-acclimation to normal living as he attempts to protect the world from danger and enjoy being human once again.

batman r.i.p. (2008) Tying into his other blockbuster stories of 2008 Final Crisis and Batman: The Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul, the legendary Grant Morrison confronts readers with the unthinkable...the death of The Dark Knight. The troubled life of Bruce Wayne seems to spin out of control when his relationship with the mysterious Jezebel Jet deepens. Soon Bruce Wayne drops out completely, having seemingly become the victim of mental illness and abandoning his Batman identity for a life on the streets of Gotham City. Capitalizing on the fall of their greatest foe, the Club of Villains begin a crime spree through the streets of Gotham that threatens to bring the city to its knees.

batman and robin (2009) we were the best, richard’’ RIP me. after bruces ‘death’, following the events of battle for the cowl (if you’re a jason todd fan for the love of god pretend its a different jason). dick reluctantly picks up the batman mantle... which also means he picks up batbrat damian wayne alongside him as the latest robin. this run is hands down one of my favourite dc runs and i highly recommend it for various reasons (once again though, jasons written terribly and i hate how dc continuously puts my beautiful boy through so much shit even after they goddamn beat him to death with a crowbar they still manage to treat him more poorly)

The new Dynamic Duo hit the streets with a bang in their new flying Batmobile as they face off against an assemblage of villains called the Circus of Strange. They also tackle their first mission investigating a child who's been abducted by the mysterious Domino Killer. But will everything go smoothly? And who exactly are the new Batman and Robin? The newest era of The Dark Knight begins here!

red robin (2009) these are probably my pride and joy of trades that i own (along with all my old school nightwing trades) and took me forever to get, but so worth the running around. tim drakes first (and so far only run you facists dc) solo series 

Following the aftermath of BATTLE FOR THE COWL, a new Batman watches over Gotham City. But not everyone is ready to give up on the old one. Someone believes that Bruce Wayne may still be alive...and that someone is Red Robin. But who is wearing the Red Robin costume, and why is he traveling the globe looking for a dead man? Whoever he is, he's not alone in his search and has been targeted by the League of Assassins. What does Ra's al Ghul want with Red Robin? Why are members of the League of Assassins being targeted for death? And what happened to the life Red Robin left behind?

gotham city sirens (2009) such an underrated run and such a good 

This all-new series features the bad girls of Gotham City! Catwoman, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn are tired of playing by other people's rules regardless of which side of the law they're on. These tough ladies have a new agenda that's all their own, and they'll use any means necessary to pursue it. But can they get along and work as a team? And who will get hurt along the way? DETECTIVE COMICS and STREETS OF GOTHAM writer Paul Dini kicks off this brand-new ongoing series with amazing artwork by Guillem March

batman: under the red hood (2011) jason todd jason todd jason todd one of the few good (any) jason todd based story-lines that treat him well and give you a solid read story wise (i also highly recommend checking out the 2010 film, jensen ackles voices jay and does an amazing job) 

Batman is confronted with a hidden face from the past — it’s the return of the vigilante Red Hood who appears to be Batman’s one-time partner Jason Todd, the same Jason Todd that died many years ago. But the Red Hood’s violent ways pit him against the Dark Knight in his hunt for the very person responsible for his death: The Joker.

red hood: lost days (2010) ignore what they did to him with talia it was hella yikes i pretend it doesnt exist cause its goddamn gross and not at all ok otherwise highly recommend if you want more quality jason todd

After his death at the hands of The Joker, Jason Todd was resurrected by Batman’s foe Ra’s al Ghul as a weapon against The Dark Knight. Now, learn what secret events led Jason on his eventual path of death and destruction as he tours the DC Universe learning dangerous skills in an effort to find his way in a world that left him behind. 

batwoman: elegy A new era begins as Batwoman is unleashed on Gotham City! Marked by the blood-red bat emblem, Kate Kane is a soldier fighting her own private war - one that began years ago and haunts her every waking moment. In this first tale, Batwoman battles a madwoman known only as Alice, inspired by Alice in Wonderland, who sees her life as a fairy tale and everyone around her as expendable extras! Batwoman must stop Alice from unleashing a toxic death cloud over all of Gotham City -- but Alice has more up her sleeve than just poison, and Batwoman's life will never ever be the same again. Also, witness the origin of Batwoman in the shocking and tragic story "Go," in which young Kate Kane and her family are kidnapped by terrorists, and Kate's life - and the lives of her family - will never be the same! (did i mostly put this here so hira doesnt kick my ass? yes. is it also worth checking out though? also yes)

blackest night (2009) i reread this again after i binged some green lantern and lololol it made x100 more sense. however, its not required, and is a pretty cool story even if you aren’t familiar with how gl verse works. 

Throughout the decades, death has plagued the DC Universe and taken the lives of heroes and villains alike. But to what end? As the War between the different colored Lantern Corps rages on, the prophecy of the Blackest Night descends and it's up to Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps to lead DC's greatest champions in a battle to save the Universe from an army of undead Black Lanterns made up of fallen Green Lanterns and DC's deceased heroes and villains.  also the batman tie ins were great too

batman: the black mirror (2011) one of my favourite dick!batman stories as its also incredibly dark and gritty

In "The Black Mirror," a series of brutal murders pushes Batman's detective skills to the limit and forces him to confront one of Gotham City's oldest evils. Helpless and trapped in the deadly Mirror House, Batman must fight for his life against one of Gotham City's oldest and most powerful evils! Then, in a second story called "Hungry City," the corpse of a killer whale shows up on the floor of one of Gotham City's foremost banks. The event begins a strange and deadly mystery that will bring Batman face-to-face with the new, terrifying faces of organized crime in Gotham.

batman: gates of gotham (2011) more quality dick!batman plus quality batfam and a classic original enthralling story

When a mystery as old as Gotham City itself surfaces, Batman assembles a team of his greatest detectives – including Red Robin, Owlman, I-Ching and others – to investigate this startling new enigma. As clues are discovered and the mystery deepens, Batman’s team soon finds itself on a journey that explores different eras in Gotham’s history and touches upon notable Gotham families including the Waynes, Kanes, and Elliotts.

batman, vol. 2 (2011) this was part of dcs new52 relaunch & my intro to dc and batman. the court of owls was an amazing story-line and executed so well as problematic as a lot of runs in new52 were and things in this run too, overall i recommend it for anyone wanting to get to know bruce and the batfam better

After a series of brutal murders rocks Gotham City, Batman begins to realize that perhaps these crimes go far deeper than appearances suggest. As the Caped Crusader begins to unravel this deadly mystery, he discovers a conspiracy going back to his youth and beyond to the origins of the city he's sworn to protect. Could the Court of Owls, once thought to be nothing more than an urban legend, be behind the crime and corruption? Or is Bruce Wayne losing his grip on sanity and falling prey to the pressures of his war on crime?

green lantern, vol. 5 (2011) In the aftermath of a deadly showdown between the Green Lantern Corps and a mysterious foe from the past, Hal Jordan has been stripped of his ring. Left standing is an unexpected new Green Lantern in town: Sinestro! And now, this renegade GL has set a course for Korugar with one purpose: To free his homeworld from the scourge of his own Sinestro Corps, with the not-so-willing help of Hal Jordan!

rebirth (2016) brings us to the latest relaunch ‘rebirth’ of which i am extremely behind whoops but i can tell you right now that basically every title in this relaunch is worth checking out (i only read a few issues of nightwing, green arrow and batman but they’re all worth checking out my guy)

if you’re interested in any of the arrowfam comics go directly too @blackcanarydinah she will school you on things i one day hope to know

for buying comic trades i’d recommend using bookdepository as they do worldwide free shipping, for single issues i usually use tfaw or ebay. if you need more resources i have a shit ton of comic shit bookmarked, just hmu if needed for whatever 🤗💕

#dc #marvel #em recs #comics #comic recs #stow it em #i've probably left out a lot of great runs or issues but as anyone who's ever read comics you can spend your whole life reading them #and then still only know about 30% of the world and other characters and whatnot #this is just from my personal readings ive read over the years since i got dragged into this shit cause of an egotistical genius and #a artistic tactician from the 40's who have been ruining me since 2012 #text post #i spent way more time on this then i should have but idc cause if anything this just made me realize how much i miss reading comics wowowow #and hal jordan omfg i miss hal jordan ok #IS BARRY MAKING SURE HE EATS SALAD AND DOESNT BLOW HIMSELF UP TRYING TO MAKE TOAST #references #resources

[justurneighboorhoodfriendlybg]

I wrote my suicide letter

When I said people their section, I’m just gonna say it was for therapeutic reasons

What I’m not gonna tell them is that I wrote just in case I’d b too strung out if I’d really do it. Cause the best way it sounds like to do it is an OD

But anyways, that’s not what we’re focusing on

I wrote this and I feel like I shouldn’t share it to here. But I will cause

This is my dairy

This is the page where I can say anything I want

Post anything I want

Do anything I want n still have a good expectation of privacy

Cause on this public platform no one cares about me (lol almost like real life)

But just as a preface: I wrote this in one of our trials n tribulations. And if I sound stupid, please someone inbox me and give me the dose of reality I need. Also the letter started out as just as me venting in the notes on dudes computer and turned into a letter.

And without further ado:

how I feel/my last note

i will never be enough for anyone. I was so stupid to think i would get an happily ever after.

the ONLY reason i won’t kill myself is that it will make the most important person in my life too sad.

but once they die i can’t tell you what I’m going to do

I’m tired

of not being good enough

I’m tired of the way i look

I’m tired of the way i act

I’m tired of having waste my breath on people who don’t want even listen

Im tired of trying so hard to be good

trying so hard to be on the straight and narrow

and no matter what I’m always the fuck up

I’ve failed my mother in so many ways i don’t understand how she still loves me

i really thought arthur loved me, i really thought it was over for me in the dating game

i really thought i had found my soulmate

but he doesn’t want me either

all these girls in his phone, he face timed that girl

trynna link with that other one on tinder

all in the name of the “Threesome”

FUCK THAT

he just wants more, i am not enough. If it was really for the threesome you would have mentioned me

BUT YOU NEVER DO, except for twice and those both were a bust.

also the whole second wife shit

like WTF

i am never gonna have anything

Why did the lord make such a useless life.

just for me to never have anything

well i have my mother

and ruby’

i miss my chikitika

its not that i don’t love madam

but when arthurs done with me he can keep her

ill go back to being alone like i always am

i really wish i could end it all right now without causing my family pain

i haven’t forgotten about my “friends”

which the two most important ones arthur says their fake

but i miss them

i miss them so bad

i need to talk to them more

I know buddy has her mental problems but that doesn’t mean she’s faking

she’s going through a tough time and for the first time in a long ass time she didn’t have me to call and stay on the phone for hours

or with jade

we talked everyday

and now look at us

she doesn’t wan t to be my friend anymore

after All we’ve been through

after all we’ve talked about and experienced together

she’s pissed

cause i went MIA in the time she needed me the most

but this summer didn’t count ( to me at least)

its been a difficult summer and so far a difficult fall

this summer around my birthday, i just completely shut down

I’ve been going through shit too

but i don’t tell anyone

and I’m not going to try either

whats the point?

if i tell my mother, it’ll just make her sadder

i wasn’t there for jade, so why do i expect her to be there for me

and Buddy, i honestly can’t think of a good reason not to tell her. i know she’ll hear me and she’ll definitely understand

but what if she doesn’t

skyway was always me and jades plan

buddy and i were planning on doing a road trip of a life time filled with sights seeing and intense partying

and then we’d overdose together

and actually overdose his time

how much molly is too much?

i bet dying from an overdose of molly is a strangely intense feeling

but dying from an overdose of molly when on about at least 50 abs of acid. Maybe a whole sheet

sounds like id fry my brain

so if i miraculously survive i will be too braindead to even live and ill authorize buddy to pull the plug

cause when this happens i won’t have my mother around, She’ll already be in heaven

hopefully she’s forgotten all about me and she can rejoice in heaven with my grandma forever

i am already dead

my life: useless

the person i called my soulmate: i am not enough for him, i stress hiM out, i give him headaches. I don’t look good enough, i don’t do enough around the house, I’m lazy asf

HE WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE I AM NOT WHAT HE WANTS

he’s still stuck on his ex’s

well they can have him cause I’m not going to keep anyone that doesn’t want to be kept

you know what this looks like? my suicide note

cause ima definitely leave a note. I can’t leave without saying my last words.

and fuck them if they listen to it or not thats on their soul

not mine

incase in the future when/if i do this and I’m too out of it to write letters, I’m going to leave this here. is not like arthur is going to read it. its too long for him too care this much and sit-down and read the whole thing. I’m sure in his mind it’ll be not worth the headache

so i will have some final statements that i think will forever ring true:

To whom it may concern,

im done. Its over. i really did my best to give it the good ole college try, but i can’t anymore. To whomever feels like they should blame yourself; please don’t, Because my mind has been made up, and nothing can change it except the lord himself. Don’t think “well maybe if i texted more/called more/ tried to be more in her life then maybe…. “ its all bullshit. you guys don’t need me in your life. you’ll find better companions, hopefully companions that will be good enough for you.

Jade: i will always love you because you are my best friend. All that time we spent together really helped me become who i was. You’re smart, crafty, beautiful and i know the world is going to want to destroy you in every way possible. be strong, stronger than i was. Cause you deserve the life you want/ With a husband that you’re completely in love with and he loves you back even more. And that he has a six figure job so he can spoil you with everything you desire, and that your kids may grow and prosper. You deserve your jerry, niklous is a dead dream cause you longer want me apart of your life. But thats ok, everyone says friends grow apart but you’ll always be my best friend. So even if I’m not in your life, you’ll always be in mine.

Buddy: my little sensitive sushi. we’ve been best friends forever. You’re one the purest souls. You’re honest, you always keep it real, (lol at least to me) I could never lie to you. And i really haven’t. You just want you to be free, to be happy. Fuck the money, fuc all this other shit. You jus want genuine happiness and love, and i really hope you find it. And i really hope you tell her kids about their tia krystal and that she would have loved them so much, she would have damn been their second mother. buddy i love you and you’re too amazing for this world. Yes, i know you have mental problems but that doesn’t make you any less of a person and it for sure do not mean you’re broken. It doesn’t even make you a bad person. if you haven’t been able to get the pills you need/ or if you don’t want to take them. it’ll all be ok cause those who really love you understand and will see past your brain malfunctioning sometimes. You deserve everything you want in life, and i hope you get it. You have my word and scouts honor that my spirit will try EVERYTHING in its power to come contact you. So don’t be scared if you feel a presence just confirm its me. and if i survive this attempt, bring my aunt the pastor to pray over me. Because i give you the power to tell the doctors to pull the cord, so after my aunts done, please make the right decision.

Payton: I fucking love you, and appreciate you so much. I wish could’ve spoiled you with everything because without you i would no have made it through tay or driving up to providence. You’ve been though so much already, i really don’t want you to be sad over this. Please live your best life to its full extent because the world needs you. You’re the ultimate mom friend, and if you ever have kids (or adopt some) I know you’ll be the biggest blessing in their life and the best soccer mom EVER.

Natalie & Isai: Im sorry to join you into one, but you both have been there for me through childish shit. But in the end both of you remained my real friends. natalie made my elementary school days fun and isai made middle school not horrible. I remember our little big squad. I remember angel, marco, that partially sociopathic girl, brittany, stephanie, lester and all the dumb shit we did. I remember feeling guilty for giving that poor teacher a heart attack. I’m getting off topic, that was always my problem, i could never focus on my tasks at hand. but i do love you both, and hope you both can handle everything life is going to through at you.

A.: I loved you. i loved you so completely that i lost myself in you. I didn’t do anything without you and i didn’t want to. but no matter how much i loved you, you didn’t see it. You didn’t recognize that I was putting my whole heart into what we had. I was trying so hard and its like it didn’t even matter,

I think that we fell in love because we were both hurt and needed someone . No matter how much you said you did, but you didn’t love me like i loved you. You were always more than enough for me, it even felt like i didn’t deserve you. but don’t blame yourself for my decision. It was a long time coming. Arthur, i hope you find someone that will be enough for you. The woman of your dreams, that you can actually see the love she gives you. She’s prolly african, she’ll cook all your favorite shit. Your family will love her and your kids will carry down the strong blood of your family. Thank you for trying to help me even though i’m clearly not your soulmate. But don’t blame yourself for this decision, take the best care of madam. Thats all i ask. Don’t give her away or sell her. And i wish dogs could read or understand because she’ll never get why she’ll never see me again. But thank you for the love you showed and just know that i won’t love anyone else like i loved you.

and everybody please:

Don’t miss me when I’m gone because I’ve simply just moved on. my decaying diseased flesh suit was only holding my spirit back. my soul has moved on to its next step and you should too.

Signed

Krystal Liana Fortuna Febles Guevara Santos (& almost Baygboe)

[cabbitthoughts]

Reading between the lines...

So i started reading a webcomic that i came across randomly about a week ago. The artist was posting artwork and a story about being homeless and the trials challenges that they faced related to that (i'll include the links at the end of all of this). But from there i decided to check out some of their other works. As it turns out they wrote a really great and amazing story using some unique characters they created. It was designed to be a split off from their main story of several years it seemed... but it was something that i really found myself liking and attached to. The story was cute and very meaningful and all around an amazing work. I saw that they had been continuing to work on this piece to an almost current date as they went into a 2nd chapter! I was quite excited about this and then I started to read their other stories... Now i wouldn't say that this is where the trouble began but i tried to read the story from a part where i was interested and go forward... which I couldn't find a good part and eventually decided to go back and start from the beginning... This comic started sometime in 2004? I think so their was well over 2K pages to read! I was excited and started getting really into it. Sadly reading a work that goes from cool and interesting into something serious and dark/depressing while i myself was not and have no been in a stable mind... lets just say that this was not the best idea... at all. So inevitably I have RL situations going on that are stressing me out and making all sorts of things flare up in my head before/during/after reading this... One night i stayed up until 3am reading this another night nearly 5 am... im not sleeping right and im stressed about work (amoungst other personal family matters)... WELL Wouldn't you know that i reach the part of the story where things start to get sad/depressing right around alot of concerning family issues start happening? And it sucks! So over the next few days i start to just completely envelop myself in the story and everything else just starts to suffer... However then i have a stressful night at work... and now im having problems just holding myself together at times. I feel issues like these are kinda what lead to my last job problems and thats not giving me help or confidence in my current situation. Well right now Im just trying to put something down here. I think that just getting things down, not that i look back at it really, but it gives me the chance kinda just "get it out"... While im sure i have people to talk to about these matters... Its not easy to want to bring these up to people. I mean seriously who "wants" to open themselves up to their most vulnerable state to someone else... Ive also been feeling like i need to get away from my current living situation... Its just not making me happy. I cant keep staying around my family, its not easy to be around them. Its like living with people that want everything that you hate and that hate everything that you believe in. I cant be me or anything like that. I cant even "discuss" things because there's no "discussions" with people that cant understand things because they can only see things from their own view point... Also as im the now "most successful" child I've gotta deal with that... i mean hell my POOL rate before going to regular part time with the nursing home was only $5 less then my mom was making roughly... and she's been doing what im starting to do now, for about 30 years or so? So im sure they have issues with ... Im living here, not paying much or anything to be here... and I don't wanna be here, but I don't have the confidence or money to leave... (this all comes back to my connecting with some of the characters from the stories in a way)... Im basically stuck in a fucked up situation where I don't want to care, because I "know" (assumption based on beliefs) how things with my family will turn out when i leave... but I find myself unable to not care... My family (parents) put themselves in less then ideal situations partly due to their own lack of understanding - but also so that I could have opportunities that i did and get me where i am now. Right now I just wanna get something to help myself think straight, get my confidence in myself and what i do back... and just move the fuck on with my life. Ive lived nearly over a quarter century and almost none of it was on my own terms in my own place with the people I want to be with. I know that this is long and I don't really expect anyone to read it... It just helps to get it out... If your interested in what i was reading... check out www.theduckwebcomics.com/user/rmccool The comics in my suggested order of looking at are: 1. How to be homeless (its real and its hard to believe but its done in a lighthearted way) 2. Habibahs Song - while technically the "last" or furthest in the future setting of the rest of their comics the first story arc gives nice intro to everything characters and its nice. The 2nd arc is imcomplete but you can always read that too. 3. Now... Life with dragons LEADS INTO public humiliation... which is kinda off cause it was never finished but it shorter and quicker to look at so worth a shot... IF NOT then READ public humiliation... Just be warned you'll know when it starts to turn dark... If you manage to get to the "end" of that read that and "even more public humiliation" as they sort of parallel but their all amazing works... I really wanna get more attention to this artist and support their works! I'd love for them to be able to pages for all their comics every week (or more) but also it would be even better for the artist to be a in better safer and more secured situation and that will allow them to do more with their comics/works. Well thats all i have for now on this account.. I'll get back to my current messed up mental state (which as bad as it is, its nothing like what their dealing with... and yet still its one of those things that doesn't help really cause I need to change me before i can really do much to change / help anyone else... though i will admit I am currently supporting their patreon ( www.patreon.com/Jrileymc ) because I read ALL of their works and I want to see them do more and by supporting them now i can support both their situation and their works. So while I don't normally do this... I would seriously have bought their comic in printed forms of whatnot to support them. All in all i hope your nights better then mine...