#took me Days to convince myself to post these </3 i need to be better abt just. makin sketchy shitty art. instead of none at all

[cimicherrychanga]

AU im not actually bothering do but i made doodles regardless 👍

bonus raph also

#my art #took me Days to convince myself to post these </3 i need to be better abt just. makin sketchy shitty art. instead of none at all #rottmnt #tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt

[jakeyt]

Covet: Chapter 2

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader

Covet Summary:

Life was good. No, life was great. 

Was. 

Until.

Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.

You welcomed him into your life—your home. 

Yes, he was your best friend’s twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in. 

Jake Kiszka came with so much you really didn’t want.

At least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

Warnings: descriptions of past toxic relationship/cheating; consumption of alcohol; anxiety; mentions of sex/sexual situations; Jake being an asshole; Reader takes an extra Melatonin (doctor's advice)

Chapter Word Count: 8.1k

Covet Masterlist

a/n: wooohooo! we have come to chapter 2! 

please forgive me for how long this took to be posted. i am a school teacher, and the end of year is the most hectic. 🫠 so, busyness combined with my need to make sure i personally feel good enough with a chapter to post it. . . it’s not a good combo. lmao although, summer is right around the corner! and i promise when it comes, covet will get much more of my attention!! 

reminder that this is a ~slow burn~ in its truest form. 

i <3 and appreciate you all!! i truly can’t say thank you enough for the support and kind words (it means so much, esp w/ this being my first gvf fic). i love hearing feedback from each and every one of you!! 

alright, i will be done w/ my rambling. i apologize on behalf of myself. lol

hope you enjoy, my loves. 

Disclaimer: this is absolutely, undoubtedly 110% a work of fiction. i do not claim to know greta van fleet. i do not claim that any of this actually occurred. again, this is a complete work of fiction. And, please, DO NOT steal this work, as it is 110% mine. plagiarism isillegal. and, as our friend google puts it, plagiarism is “illegal if it infringes an author's intellectual property rights.” and, being these words/ideas are my intellectual property rights. . .don’t take them. legal action will be taken if you take credit for any of my work.

🌼🌼🌼

Chapter 2

The first month of living with Jake went about as smoothly as one would expect. 

His first full day in the apartment, you’d woken up, ready to be nice. Really. You’d tried your hardest to forget about how he’d acted when he had made his grand entrance. 

But he wasn’t giving up on his act. 

When you’d been standing at the coffee maker in the kitchen that first morning, loading your K-Cup, he’d stopped at the counter. You didn’t know what for, but when you noticed him there, you had tried to start a conversation. Some meaningless small talk to try and break the ice he’d created. 

And his only response? A barely audible hum. 

You did give him credit for glancing up to at least acknowledge your presence. Although, that’s the bare minimum of basic human decency. So, you didn’t give him much credit. 

But, that had been it. And then, he’d left for the day. 

It had instantly caused you to be pissed at everything. Including the coffee maker’s little unnecessary spurts as it poured coffee into your mug. 

Every day since then had gone about the same, sometimes with even less interaction than that. And to you, the lack of desire to even try to associate with you was offensive. 

After all, you were the person who had literally given him a place to live.

To make things worse, he was that kind of asshole that you couldn’t seem to get out of your head. It really just confirmed how truly repulsive he was.

You had gotten an idea midway through that first month to begin compiling a list of apartment rules. 

Initially, it had seemed pointless. Then, you reminded yourself that you were worth better treatment. You knew you deserved for Jake to show at least a sliver of respect towards you in your home.

🌼🌼🌼

You decided to tell Josh of the rules you’d crafted. 

“I will be very honest, I really don’t know how well those will go over, Y/N.”

He was giving you a look that instantly made you go into defense mode. 

“Joshua. It’s been a month,” you matched his look with one of your own. You wanted your point to be known. You were going to make damn sure that Josh understood why you wanted to do this. “Josh, he still barely even looks at me. I think rules would give us some sort of common ground. And it would force him to show the place—and me—some respect.”

“Jake has never been one to want to follow the rules — do what he’s told,” he scratched the buzzed side of his head, right above his ear. 

You stood with a hand on your waist, right under your thrifted crop top. You eyed him, making sure he knew he needed to elaborate. 

You didn’t know much at all about your roommate. 

You’d been waiting for Josh to share more, but he didn’t share much. He claimed that it wasn’t his place. You were desperate though. All you knew about Jake was that he was your best friend’s twin, what his record choices were, that he had been in an apparently crappy relationship, and the fact that he was an ungrateful asshole. 

Josh relented slightly. “I’ll tell you this story because it involves me as well. And we were so young,” he leaned with his back against the checkout counter, facing away from customers. “When we were in our freshman year of high school, he played soccer while I participated in theatre. He enjoyed it and he was actually quite good at it, you know,” Josh smiled, obviously replaying memories. “But, high school classes grew increasingly harder. We both struggled, honestly. We love to learn more. . . I mean, you know this about me. He’s the same way. But we really only enjoy doing it most when it concerns the subjects for which we’re passionate. 

So, high school work being less than interesting to us both, our grades dropped. Big time,” his eyes widened, once again reliving it all. At this point, he was staring into space to tell the story. “Our parents and teachers came down on us hard. They told us we would be kicked out of our extracurricular activities if we didn’t raise our grades.”

You shook your head, looking around the store. A couple of regulars were perusing. You knew them well enough to know it would be awhile until they were done. “I know exactly where this is going.”

You both made eye contact then, and as he looked your way, he gave a little closed-mouth grin that made his eyes crinkle. “Yeah? Guess.”

You smirked at your friend. “You, being you, were determined to show that you had what it took to make the grade. You cared enough about theatre to continue it,” he nodded at your words. “And, in the time I’ve known you, you’ve never been one to say no to a challenge. It’s why we are friends. I love a good challenge.”

He made a noise of agreeance. Then, his eyebrows raised and his lips turned down. The look he gave you told you he was impressed. “You know me well,” he continued. “Now, how well do you know your roommate?” 

You scoffed. “As you know, not fucking well. But I know he couldn’t give two shits about what others think of him,” you pointed to yourself. “I’m a shining example. So, —.”

“Essentially, he said ‘fuck it’ and just decided to continue on with what he had been doing in his classes, which was jack shit,” Josh had finished for you, wanting to complete the story he’d begun.

“How did he even pass high school?”

He gave you a deadpan stare and raised his  eyebrows. You rolled your eyes. At the same time, you both said:

“Girls.”

You rolled your eyes even harder this time. “Good God.”

Josh nodded, lips turned down, his eyes still held a little glint. “Yup. Get my point now?”

“Yeah, but like I just said, I’m not one to turn down a challenge. Just like you, Josh,” you smiled at a customer who was finally walking up to the counter, a few records in hand. “And your brother. . .I’ve learned he is nothing if not a challenge.” 

He nodded, he knew you were right. And he’d known you long enough to know that you did indeed enjoy overcoming any problem life may hand you.

In this instance, you hoped he understood your current challenge/problem was Jake.

And you needed to know how to fix it. Josh was your only source. You just had to get him to break for more information. 

Again, you really liked a good challenge. 

🌼🌼🌼

The shift rolled on. The two of you had been working the closing shift that day. 

So, as the day shifted to evening, and with about an hour before the store closed up, you started nightly duties. Josh went about straightening vinyls, fixed the ‘Featured’ wall (his favorite), and re-folded the shirts the store carried with the Black and Gold’s logo. 

Meanwhile, you swept and dusted the store. 

You hated to admit it. You really did. But you couldn’t help how the conversation from earlier had piqued your interest even more than before. 

You were now hooked. You wanted to learn more about your mysterious roommate. 

You debated how you were going to ask Josh for more information. What was a way you could ask that would convince him to tell you more about his twin? 

Ever since Jake had moved in, you’d tried so desperately to get information out of Josh. 

And he just refused to budge.

You were putting the broom away when you’d settled on how to ask him. 

You were going to be a jackass and use manipulation. 

You sucked, you knew this. You were just dying to know more about this person with whom you shared your home. And, to reiterate, it had been a damn month of knowing next to nothing about him. 

So, when you joined Josh behind the counter as he balanced the register, you were ready to play your hand. 

“Alright, so, Elsie still isn’t sure if she wants to be in your movie.” There it was. A complete lie using your sister— the one he was completely smitten with. In truth, Elsie had agreed on the spot. 

But, again, desperation had led you to this. 

You didn’t look up from your task of watering the plants that sat at the window. Just keep talking. “I have a proposition for you. You tell me more about Jake and I will convince her with everything I have to star in your film.”

You still didn’t look over to him. You were afraid of rejection. Then, you heard what seemed to be a sigh of defeat out of your best friend. You looked up to him, his eyes still reading uncertainty.

“Y/N,” he sighed. You knew he was about to say the same thing he had said for the past month. 

“I know, Josh. It’s not your story,” you moved forward to be standing right next to him. You balanced your elbow on the counter, you needed to say your piece—needed him to understand. You locked eyes with him, pleading. “Come on, Josh. I am desperate. He won’t offer anything up. He is silent. It’s been a month. He refuses to acknowledge my presence, hence me forcing him to notice me with the rules,” you paused, suddenly looking to the ground. You needed Josh to bend to your vulnerability. “But, I just need something else. You told me that one story earlier,” you urged. “Just something else small that might help me know him a bit better than I do now.”

You looked up. You were anticipating another rejection from him after you’d finished babbling. Though, his eyes seemed to open more at your apparent state of helplessness. 

He knew that it wasn’t fair what Jake was putting you through. He had to acknowledge that. You knew he felt most things with you. And you knew he was someone who had enough integrity to want to help you out. He knew this situation had been less than ideal.

He just had to loosen up on his stance of not wanting to tell his brother’s stories.

He released one more sigh. “Fine,” he looked you in the eyes. “And please try your hardest to get your sister convinced to star in my film. The role was created for her.”

You nodded. You looked to the ground once more at that last part. You felt guilty for using that little white lie. “You’ve got it.”

“Y/N.”

You looked up to him after he’d spoken your name in a tone that was much more serious than his usual. 

His brown irises were intent as he spoke. “You have to know I’m breaking a big rule of mine,” he continued. “I don’t like speaking to stories that belong to other people. Our experiences are unique to us. They deserve to be told by those to whom they happened.” 

You nodded. You understood his point. You totally knew why he felt the way he did. 

“Josh, you can just tell me childhood stories that involve both of you,” you grabbed his arm. You needed him to know you were being genuine. “I don’t want to make you betray your principles.”

He patted the hand you’d placed on his arm. “I appreciate that, Y/N,” he cleared his throat. “I just think you need to know some of the—,” he spread his hands out to emphasize, then clapped them back together. “The bigger pieces of him. At the moment, he won’t let himself show you who he is. He really isn’t a bad person. He’s just been through a hell of a lot recently.” 

All you could do was nod your head once. There wasn’t much left for you to say. You would let the curly headed man begin when he was ready. 

He eyed the clock. You looked with him. Only thirty minutes to eight o’clock. 

You looked down to your palms, wiping them on your jeans. They were suddenly getting clammy at the prospect of what information could be hitting you within the next 30 minutes. 

“I’m going to begin by saying that as his five-minutes-older brother, I’m glad that Jake gets to finally live life for himself without having to worry about being hung up on a girl,” he looks to the two folded chairs that always sit behind the counter. “Let’s sit.” 

You follow him to the chairs. And as he sits in the right chair, you sit in the left. He looks into space, contemplating what to say next. 

“Jake is seriously going through something he has never experienced before. I mean, your significant other being unfaithful to you sucks anyhow. But she’s been all he’s known for so long. . . This is a complete life upheaval for him, of sorts,” he pauses. “He and this girl — they truly were together for a long time. What are he and I . . . 24 now?” 

You nod.

“Well, they got together when we were juniors in high school. That would make this relationship about seven years old,” he sighs. “Long time to be together—and it began when they were really only kids.”

You nod again, coaxing him on. 

“So, since they were together that long. . . there was a lot that happened between them in high school alone, but then you have post-high school when he set his life plan on the back burner for her. We had these plans — big ones. A dream we’d shared. All of us. Sammy and Danny included.”

You were wondering what the dream could have been. “What was the dream?”

Josh shook his head. “It was Jake’s first. We all followed along behind him,” he looked down, rubbing the back of his neck. “It wouldn’t be right for me to share.” 

You were left wondering at that, but you did understand why Josh didn’t want to share. There was honor in that. And he wouldn’t be Josh if he didn’t show his honor, especially by showing loyalty to those he loved. 

“So, his dream. . .,” you exaggerated the word by using your hands as jazz hands. “It went down the tubes?”

Josh gave you a look. It was a look that told you to take a step back and try to understand. 

You relented. 

You knew it was only right to put your grumpiness with Jake aside for this story. Josh was showing vulnerability on his brother’s behalf. Plus, you’d been the one to force Josh out of his moral values to divulge Jake things. It wasn’t right to act anything but respectful to these tellings of Jake. For Josh’s sake alone.

And you’d be lying if you said you weren’t dying to hear more. Learning of Jake’s past was like satisfying this raging itch.

“I’m sorry,” your voice was quiet. 

The edges of Josh’s eyes wrinkled as he gave you a reassuring grin. “It’s okay,” he patted your knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I know why you’re blunt about him. I know the man’s entire range of emotions. He acts like a child when he— when his emotions are so big and bad.”

“And right now,” you started. Your heart was growing slightly soft. “He is feeling the most emotions.”

Josh shook his head to agree. “Though, this girl was always a pill,” he rolled his eyes. “I liked her a lot at first, truly. But she started flirting with me an awful lot to be dating my brother,” his body shook as if to shake the memory. “It’s honestly not a shock to me that their relationship ended the way it did.”

Though, as soon as the last words had left his mouth, he looked down to consider them. He was weighed down by an emotion he didn’t need to speak out loud for you to know. Guilt.

It was your turn to reach a hand over to touch his knee. You just sat your hand there and told him. “You cannot blame yourself for any of this.”

He continued looking down. “I should have talked to him about how she would make advances. . . To warn him. Maybe he would have never gone and he could have—.”

He placed a palm to his forehead, eyes closing. He was going to get lost in this thought if you didn’t stop him. 

“Josh, she was a terrible person all along,” you placed a hand on his back, rubbing his right shoulder blade. “Jake isn’t a stupid person. He can’t be. You aren’t. And he’s your twin brother. He could have noticed the signs if he wanted to. It was his responsibility to drop her when he had the chance,” you gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Before any of this happened. Apparently he just loved her too much to fully acknowledge what he needed to do.”

You gave him a couple of minutes to really think about that. Then, finally, he lifted his head. “He wouldn’t have listened to me anyways,” He had a gleam in his eye. “My brother is a stubborn asshole,” he chuckled a little. “If you haven’t noticed.”

You gave him a look that said ‘No? Really?’ That turned a few more giggles loose from his chest. 

He continued, letting his tone become serious again. “So, our senior year, Jake really started getting serious about his dream. We all made these real plans, but they were ruined,” he paused, his mouth becoming a straight line. He was remembering a moment that caused a particular annoyance. “That was until she brought up how she wanted him to move with her if she got accepted to this prestigious school in Illinois,” he cleared his throat. “It makes me angry that she asked, but I also get wanting to ask your serious significant other to move with you. It was different—more than that, though. 

Her selfishness was so prominent so often; I think that’s why her asking rubbed me so wrong then, and still does now. She knew if she asked, he’d go. He’d leave his own aspirations in the dust for her. She knew what he wanted—what he’d always wanted. But still, she deemed her choices, her career, more important.”

You nodded, completely seeing eye-to-eye with your best friend. “I think there’s this sense of justice in you for your brother that he hasn’t always seemed to have for himself.”

“Yes!” Josh’s expression was one of relief that you understood. “And the thing with Jake is

. . . He’s always—girls have—,” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “As soon as his hormones kicked in when we were younger, he started noticing girls. He indulged himself in all of that,” Josh lifted his eyebrows. “He really has a strong appreciation for women, I’ll say that.” 

You rolled your eyes, nodding and then crossing your arms, sitting back. Your stomach leaped in a way you chose to ignore at the mention of his appreciation for women. To you, it was ludicrous that he couldn’t appreciate you in some capacity. If he needed sex in order to appreciate a woman, you were not the one.

“A big piece of him changed when girls started becoming involved. He lost a piece of himself. It’s almost as though he didn’t see himself as worthy without one. And now—.”

“And that’s why it’s so hard for him right now,” you finished the statement, bringing yourself back. “He’s lost a sense of his identity. . .

having to find out who he is without a woman.” 

Josh clicked his tongue, a smirk showing with a dimple in his cheek. “Precisely. It’s been a while for him,” a little spark caught in his eye. “On the drive moving him here, I told him that he needs to take a fucking break from women until he starts understanding what it means to think of what he wants first,” he rubbed at his forehead. “I know it seems like a terrible thing for me to say, but I think it’s important for him to put himself first for once in his goddamned life. He deserves to know who he is without a woman claiming him as her own.”

“Because he is worth knowing himself for who he is,” you concluded.

“Aw, Y/N. . . You growing a soft spot for Jakey?” Josh smiled smugly at you.

You held eye contact with him for a few seconds and then laughed outright at his statement. “You’re funny,” you looked to the clock, realizing you were only a couple of minutes from closing. You got up from the foldable chair and went to grab your purse from a hook behind the desk.

Josh followed your lead, but stopped to look for his phone. He tapped at all of his pockets.  Then, coming up short, he looked around the register and the checkout counter. 

You helped him look. But, the sound of Gloria Gaynor belting that “she will survive” helped you locate it easier. You saw it light up, sitting atop a box of new records at the back of the shop. 

You groaned, already walking to get it for him.

“Josh, you have got to be better about keeping track of your phone.”

Josh tsked at you, “And you have got to be better about not bossing me around,” he turned off the lights around the register. “I refuse to be a slave to such a tiny device that doesn’t serve any purpose to my spiritual healing.” 

You rolled your eyes at him, though you knew he was right. As you approached his phone, you got one final glimpse at the caller ID picture. It had been a picture of Jake. 

Even though you had just taken a deep dive into Jake’s past and grown a tiny fraction of sympathy and understanding for him. . .his picture still made you want to punch things. 

As much as his recent past had sucked, he  treated you with such blatant disrespect for someone who had offered their home to him. 

When you traipsed back over to Josh, he was waiting for you at the door, hand already on the doorknob to leave. “Jake called you.”

Josh turned around. His back was facing you and a thumb pointed behind him. “Pocket,” he said.

You snickered a little bit and did as he told you. Josh was choosing you over his prick of a brother and, quite frankly, you were bursting at the seams. 

🌼🌼🌼

You were not ready to go home to more awkwardness and Josh could tell as much, so he invited you to get a quick drink after work with him. 

He filled you in on everything else he deemed necessary as you drank a couple of margaritas on the rocks, him settling on just one Salty Dog.

Josh told a few finishing details about how much it had sucked to be separated from his womb mate for so many years.

“It honestly felt like I was cut off from him.”

Your heart hurt for him. “I’m glad he is nearer to you now,” you paused, curious. “Did he miss you that much too?”

Josh set a look on you, “Who was the first person he called after it happened? He was ready to be with me again,” he put a hand over his heart. “Came back to his understanding, sensitive twin . . . every moon needs its sun.”

You gave a conceding nod and shrug. “Fair,” you smiled. “You're obviously the sun.”

“Obviously,” he flashed a smile your way. “He might not admit it right now, but he was not at his happiest with her,” he stated. “As ironic or untrue it may seem with his moodiness, I think if he isn’t already, Jake is on his way to feeling the most free he has in a long time. I’m glad to have him back with me. Being away from each other wasn’t good for either of us.”

Your heart swelled for the tenderhearted man next to you. You watched as he looked off into space with what could only be described as a soft sort of pensiveness. You were happy for your friend, despite how Jake was acting or made you feel.

You felt your head get slightly light from the alcohol on an almost empty stomach from being at work nearly all day. You were still so curious, you wanted to know more.

“So, how did it happen?”

“Well, all I know is she was getting quite distant for a while, but Jacob thought she was only distracted by her job. Gave her the benefit of the doubt, let her do her thing and just followed along,” he gave you a look. “He did that much too often. My brother isn’t a puppy dog, but he followed her around like one,” Josh’s jaw clenched and he scratched at his bare chin. “One would say that he loved her. But as his twin, if my telepathic brain is worth anything, I believe that more than love, Jake shared so much with her when they were young that he felt obligated to follow her lead. . .no matter what.”

“And that makes you angry.”

“Oh, quite,” he continued, eyebrows bunched together. “The way he put it when he told me of the situation was that it was as though she was,” he held up air quotes. “‘Shooting the shit.’”

“Just told him like it was no big deal?” You shook your head. “That’s harsh.” 

“More than that, told him in a way that made it seem like she was already done. Essentially, his reaction meant nothing to her. She just needed to tell him in order to end things,” he continued. “She told him it had been going on for quite some time and that she didn’t think they could make it work after it all.”

“What did she do after she told him? What happened after?”

Alcohol was interacting with your senses. Otherwise, you wouldn’t show open curiosity like this. You were sure of it. 

“Well, she left,” He chewed his lip lightly. “Left Jake to deal with the aftermath — the knowledge of it all — by himself. She went to stay with a friend and he had exactly a week to get his shit together and move out. So, being the decent and thoughtful person he is,” you made a sound. Josh gave you a look. “He respected her wishes and got the hell out.”

You really had no words for the situation. It was horrid for Jake, you had to admit. You felt bad for him. You really did. Even though he pissed you off beyond belief, you still knew he was deserving of better than any of what she had put him through. 

You just wished he wouldn’t react in a way that made him become an utter jerk. Due to his attitude, you couldn’t claim that you knew the person who seemed so selfless and loving in Josh’s stories. 

The person you knew was the opposite of the one told in Josh’s tales. 

You only knew a self-centered jerk who held absolutely no respect for you in any way. 

You hated to admit to yourself just how much you wished to know the person Josh had told you about this evening. 

🌼🌼🌼

As Josh dropped you off at the stoop to your apartment that night, he shared with you an idea that had come to him. 

“This weekend. We need to do something this weekend.”

You quickly agreed, “Yes! I’d love to have a weekend that’s just us. . .like old times.”

“Actually,” he scuffed the bottom of his white sneaker against the stair step he stood on. He eyed you. “How about we involve Sammy and Danny?”

You could be okay with that. Then suddenly, your stomach flipped. “What about Jake?”

He met your eyes. “He would join. All of us. Game night.”

“Josh,” his name came out like a child’s whine. “Why?” 

He put a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “It will be good for both of you. He’ll get to be around you with others and you’ll get to be around him while he’s with people he already knows and feels most comfortable with,” he squeezed lightly at your shoulder. “It will be great. He’ll come out of his shell, and surely he’ll act a little more like himself if he’s around myself and the other two.”

Your stomach rolled at the idea of actually spending any sort of time with Jake. 

Establishing rules? Sure, you could do that. It might take 10 minutes max. But an extended amount of time actually hanging out? 

You agreed to it before Josh left you that night, even though you had your hesitations. 

You wanted to bring some joy to the man that had been there for you through so much. You were also desperate to look like the bigger person in this situation. And, surely agreeing to this would make Josh see that you were trying when Jake wasn’t. 

You needed Josh to see the trueness of your heart in all of this, no matter how much bitterness his brother had caused you.

When you’d entered your home that evening, the lights had all been off. Jake’s door was closed. He was asleep. Thank God.

As you stood at the bathroom mirror taking off your makeup, you convinced yourself it would be fine. You could find positives. You’d hung out with the other three before. You all got along very well in a group setting and honestly always had a great time. That part would be all right.

You just had to convince yourself that Jake wouldn’t ruin it by simply being there with his persistent little dark cloud of distemper. 

By the time you tucked yourself under your covers, you decided no matter what, you would have a fun time. If only for the benefit of the other boys and yourself.

You were also determined to show the best parts of yourself to Jake. A darker part of you wanted him to feel slightly (very) guilty for how he’d been treating his simply incredible roommate. 

But before game night, you had to talk to him about your rules. You weren’t looking forward to him blowing you off. You had a terrible idea that would be the response you’d get to you speaking to him. 

But you still had to try.

🌼🌼🌼

You thought through the best time to go over the rules with him, and decided the day before your night with the guys was the best option.

Your mind had settled on Jake taking two possible routes with the conversation. You figured going over them on that Friday before would work for both of these possibilities. 

One possibility was that he would sulk and pout and react like an asshole, and doing it on Friday would give him an entire day to do so. The second option was that he could very possibly just straight up ignore you like he usually did. And, you thought it best to do it a day before he would be forced to associate with you. 

It also seemed fitting to do so on the day that marked almost an entire month of him living with you. You were only one day away from it having been a whole month of him sharing your home. What a perfect time to actually acknowledge and officially, really talk to you. 

Time for him to realize all you were was a super kind person. A person who offered him shelter when there was virtually nowhere else for him to go. 

He needed to respect you and your hospitality.

You had gotten used to him usually arriving home by six every night. So, you loomed in the living room until he got home around six that evening. 

And almost right at 6 o’clock, you heard his keys jingle in the lock. 

As soon as he walked in and saw you leaning against the couch, he stopped to stare at you. It was an awkward-ass stare that made you want to slap him right across the smooth skin of his tanned cheek. 

He was just infuriating. 

“Hey,” you started, trying to sound easygoing. You didn’t know why you were nervous, but you were. 

“Hi,” his response was spoken as a question. 

You knew that you standing there probably seemed extremely odd to the man.

You didn’t care if it made him feel uncomfortable. He deserved it after making you feel edgy for the last month in your own home.

He started to move on from you, already deciding to disregard you. 

“So,” you started, sticking to the assignment. And, surprisingly when you spoke, he stopped in his tracks. “I think I’ve decided it might be a good idea to make some apartment rules.”

With his back facing you, you saw him shake his head. His wavy locks caught the streams of the evening sun’s yellow glow, making the head shake that much more offensive. 

When he still didn’t turn around, you continued. “You can go change your clothes if you want,” you folded your arms tighter to your chest. “I’ll wait out here.”

He then turned, crossed back to the kitchen counter and dropped his keys in the key bowl you’d had since Elsie lived at the apartment. Then finally, he faced you. 

Your stomach did a little flip. Why were you nervous to establish these rules for your apartment? You just needed to get it over with. 

He raised his eyebrows and gave you a look that said ‘so?’ 

His face showed that he was already irritated. It was like the mere act of standing across from you was too much. Being forced to interact with you was a hassle. 

And instantly, you were irked. Could he be any more ridiculous? 

Admittedly, you were also already done with this talk. Screw him. You heatedly whipped your phone out of the back pocket of your jean shorts. You clicked through to your notes, where you’d started the rule list. 

You started with the most agreeable rules.

“The first rule: don’t go in each other’s rooms. I think that’s common sense, but just in case it needs to be stated,” you moved on. “Number two: if we buy food or drinks, they belong to us and only us. I was thinking we could even make two separate sides of the fridge. One side for yours and one for mine.”

You looked up when you heard him take a breath. You looked at him just in time to see him breathe out a tight-lipped sigh, a mocking smirk on his face as he bugged his eyes. 

You chose to ignore him, blatantly rolling your eyes and looked back to your phone. 

“Rule number three: do your own dishes and do your best to keep the sink empty. Rule number four: keep our common spaces clean. You know, kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom. . .clean up after yourself,” you glanced at him, seeing that he was looking into space, eyes still huge. His arms were crossed across his chest as yours had been. “Rule five: do your own laundry. And I think switching off every other day for whose laundry day it is would be a good idea. I get Monday, you get Tuesday, I get Wednesday. . .and so on.”

You paused, giving him room for notes if he had any. His face held a look you couldn’t quite read. 

“Any thoughts?” You questioned. 

He gave a little chuckle that seemed to mock the same air you’d just spoken the rules to. It was insulting. Still, you wanted to hear from him. So you waited. 

And after a solid two minutes of just standing there, he loudly exhaled. His hand combed through the front of his hair, pushing it back. His eyes blinked a couple of times afterwards. “You seem to have it all nailed down, roomie.”

“Well, thanks,” you hesitantly responded. You were pleased that he was okay with what you’d shared so far. But his mention of the nickname seemed more snarky than anything.

“No, I mean,” he cleared his throat, rubbing at his chin. “You’ve got it nailed down. Like, you left no room for any ‘notes.’”

You scoffed at the air quotes he gave the word. “I’ve hardly ‘nailed it down’,” you gave your own air quotes for his words. “These are just an outline of ideas I have.”

“Just keep going,” he sighed as though he was completely exasperated and tucked both hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I have a date in like an hour.”

“A date?” 

“And it’s your business how?”

“You just told me,” you argued. “That’s how.”

“Didn’t mean you could ask questions about it,” he bit back. “I was just telling you so you would know I don’t have time to just stand here and listen to you drag on about these ‘rules’.”

You shook your head, shocked at how rude a person could be. Completely in awe of the man, you decided you would continue. You were ready to be rid of him. 

“Fine,” you angrily pressed your phone back on. “Speaking of dates. . .Rule six: when you have a date over, please keep them out of the common areas and remember the walls are thin. . . In general, no especially loud music, no loud. . .,” you cleared your throat and your skin prickled with embarrassment. “. . .  anything else.”

“Oh,” he seemed interested. Figured. If it had to do with a woman, his interest was suddenly piqued. “That also applies to you and Josh, I assume?”

“What?!” You were suddenly very disturbed at that statement. “Josh and me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

He tilted his head down, his eyes sticking onto yours, hair falling to swing next to his face. “Seriously? You apparently know the walls are thin as shit. And our rooms are right next door, so I can hear the two of you stay up all hours of the night talking,” he looked to the side, his eyebrows raising. “Who knows what the hell else you both do after I fall asleep. You are both touchy as fuck with one another, so I’ll just let my mind wander with what happens behind closed doors.”

You started laughing hysterically at the whole statement Jake had just made. You couldn’t even gather your thoughts. Shocked was an understatement for how Jake’s assumptions left you feeling. 

“Are you kidding me?” You stepped towards him, pointing a finger in his direction. “Of course you would assume a friendship is more than what it actually is. Hopeless fuckin’ roma—.”

You stopped yourself. You had almost called him a hopeless romantic. How would you even begin to explain that you knew enough about him to call him that?

He took a step forward, his jaw clenched. He crossed his arms across his chest again. His chest seemed to continue to rise with his irritation. His fingers were digging into his biceps, clad in his light blue button-up.

“No, finish. Please.” 

Your blood pressure was rising, you felt your skin prickling with embarrassment and guilt. Your heart was racing. You shouldn’t have exploded and almost exposed what Josh had told you. You couldn’t betray Josh’s trust like that. You were being errant. You knew an anxiety attack was on the horizon if you didn’t stop soon. Betraying someone you love was known to bring you to tears quicker than almost anything else. 

You also couldn’t deny how bad you felt for referring to something that was probably still a sensitive topic to your roommate. As much as you despised him, you didn’t have to be so overtly uncool towards him in a hard time.

“Let’s just keep on with the rules,” you tried to calm yourself down. You didn’t need to have an anxiety attack in front of him. That was the last thing you needed. “Please?”

He seemed to catch on to your nerves. And luck seemed to be on your side with how he relented so quickly. He still seemed a little irked, but his eyes were softer than they were before.

“Go on.”

You breathed in and out once, then situated your nerves the best you could to finish. 

“I, um, I thought it would be cool to add a little something that would help keep us accountable for getting to know each other,” you didn’t want to meet his eyes, so you kept yours glued to the screen of your phone. “We both love music, so I was thinking. . .Rule seven: we switch off every other night and play a record on the record player. One of our own choosing. It would give us a good idea of who we’re living with.”

“Because the music we love really says so much about who we are,” he agreed honestly. 

You looked up after he’d spoken, and the look on his face as he looked down said he hadn’t meant to speak it out loud. His eyebrows knitted together like he had conflict within himself. He didn’t want you to know he thought similarly to you, you were sure of it. He’d let his precious little guard down the slightest, smallest bit. 

You couldn’t help it when a teeny-tiny grin landed on your lips. You shook it away before he could possibly see.

“Yep. Totally,” you said very quietly in response. But you knew he heard you when he blinked a couple times and then ran a hand through his hair, bringing his head back up in the process. 

He was making you feel very antsy, and his date would be here soon. So, you tried to finish quickly. 

“And finally, rule eight: we keep a work schedule posted to the fridge so we’re aware of when the other one will be at home. It will be helpful to know if the other one is at work; just in case of an emergency or anything, I thought it’d be helpful.”

You looked up as you finished, he was now leaning back against the kitchen counter. His amber-brown eyes stayed locked on yours earnestly for a bit. You felt your cheeks heat. Then he asked, “And you’re sure there’s not anything else?” 

You shook your head ‘no’.

His previously haughty tone was coming back when he spoke next. “How do you expect me to remember all of these things? And we'll post our schedules on the fridge?”

You couldn’t help it as your heart leapt the slightest bit. He still wasn’t completely rejecting any of the rules. In fact, unless he was somehow being sarcastic, he even wanted a way to remember them. 

“I—I’ll print it all out at work and put everything on the fridge,” you shoved your phone into your back pocket. “I’ll even include a place for our phone numbers, just in case we ever need those.” You added, "And we can just post our schedules when we get them every week."

He nodded once. He looked up at the ceiling then, obviously done with the conversation. You didn’t blame him. You really were too. 

You were suddenly longing for him to ignore you again. His presence was making you tense. You didn’t know how to act around him. You hadn’t had that problem with anyone for a long time. 

The last time was probably middle school when no one knew how to act around each other. 

But now as an adult woman? You hated that someone made you feel like this. 

And in your own home, no less.

He pushed off the counter and started to his room. Then, only steps from his room, he turned on his boot to face you, he held a look of blatant vexation. 

Ugh, what now? You thought.

“Do we really have to have our own sections for our food and drinks in the fridge? Why don’t we just put our initials on things that belong to us?” He reasoned. “I’ll even buy the damned Sharpie.”

You couldn’t find a way to dispute his suggestion in the moment. You could agree with that. “Yeah, sounds good. Good idea.”

He gave an almost-smile (couldn’t show too much cordiality), “I have a few of those every once in a while.” 

He then got a smug grin on his face, “Oh, and you might want to get some earplugs for tonight. . .paper thin walls and all that.”

“Jake,” you were stunned at the audacity. Your shoulders tightened up. “Seriously?”

He set his head back, raising his eyebrows up. A smirk raised his lips, “Nowhere on that rules list did you say I’m not allowed to bring women over. And I really can’t control whether or not I make them scream,” he set you with a stare, raising a brow. “And I’ve gotta say, that’s always been a pretty normal occurrence,” he paused. “And I most likely wouldn’t have been too keen on following a ‘no women’ rule anyway, so.”

“Asshole,” You scoffed, your thighs quivered. The disdain he caused you floated through your whole body. “A little full of yourself?”

“Alright then, don’t plug your ears,” his smirk only grew. “You’ll hear for yourself tonight. Post-breakup recovery fuck, y’know? Gotta get some of this lingering tension out of my system,” he shook his shoulders and arms out to emphasize his words.

Your skin grew angry goosebumps at the thought of everything he’d just said to you. You were amazed by him. Truly. 

Not in a good way. Not amazed in the sense he’d wanted you to be.

He turned on his heel to continue the walk to his room, and you just stood in your spot. Your bare toes dug into the carpet, waiting to hear his door click. 

Once finally alone, you let out a breath you’d apparently been holding. You shook your head at his repulsive words. You were utterly shocked that he would say any of that to you. What the heck? 

This interaction had shown you that it was obviously too much for him to be a pleasant human for an extended period of time.

And he had no issue making you feel completely on edge. 

Distasteful son of a bitch.

You wanted to go hide in your bedroom for the night. You didn’t want to chance running into him again.

You stomped to your room. You had had enough of Jake Kiszka for one night. 

🌼🌼🌼

You downed the recommended 2-pill dose of melatonin that evening, but snuck in one extra with a giant swig of water. 

Jake had left about an hour prior and you’d be damned if he woke you up with any sex-related noises. 

You were ready to get some sleep anyway, completely tired after the stress you’d dealt with. Your doctor had suggested melatonin to induce necessary rest after any anxious episodes. 

You knew you were to blame for a part of the stress, sticking your foot in your mouth the way you had. But Jake was the main culprit of the stress.

And you were done with him ruling your emotions for the evening. 

🌼🌼🌼

And of course, the next morning, Jake was stuck in your head. 

You hated it. It wasn’t because you wanted him there. It was thanks to a ridiculous dream that had plagued you during the night.

Your sleep had graced you with a reminder of the moment you’d almost outed your knowledge of his past. But in the vision, you weren’t feeling the onslaught of nerves you’d originally felt in the moment anymore.

No, in this version of it, all you could focus on was the vision of his chest, how it had been heaving in the midst of his irritation.

And it wasn’t even a covered chest that haunted your dream. No, it was his chest that seemed to be persistently bare. The bronzed, silky-smooth chest you’d seen one too many times in the month he’d lived with you. 

You couldn’t understand how he was 24 years old and still didn’t know how to button his shirts past two buttons. It maddened you that he didn’t know how to button his entire shirt. His toned light brown, sun-kissed chest was distracting in a way you wished it wasn’t.

All you wanted was to escape your roommate. And now he was literally haunting your dreams. 

You had chosen to deny how you’d woken up with sweat on your forehead, hair stuck to your equally sweaty face. You weren’t going to let him have that control over you. Not even in your dreams.

And now, you were completely dreading spending the evening with him in any capacity. 

You just hoped Josh came armed with damn good booze for game night. You desperately needed to get out of your head.

🌼🌼🌼

a/n: next chapter is game night! we’ll finally get introduced to sammy and danny <3

there is sooo much to come. i can’t wait to share more with you all. like i’ve previously mentioned, their story is quite the rollercoaster. our beloved roomies are both very stubborn . . . it’ll make for a grand ‘ol time! lmao

i hope you enjoyed!! plz message me & let me know what you thought! hearing from you guys is just so wonderful! let me know if you'd like to be tagged for future chapters!! <3

taglist:

@joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @jaketlover, @writingcold, @jessicafg03, @gretavangroove, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @reesetrippingthelight, @lallisonl, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @Fretaganvleet, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @whollyfreeamongstthestars, @llightmyllovee, @sacredjake (even if it seemed to refuse to tag, i still tried - ugh! i apologize for any weirdness of the tagging. if i missed you, please let me know! i think i included everyone, but it's def possible i accidentally left someone out.)

#jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka #josh kiszka #greta van fleet fic #josh kiszka fic #sam kiszka #danny wagner #greta van fleet #jake kiszka smut #eventually #jake fic #covet #my fics

[daddyelliott1979]

Daddy and Boy; what's it like to have the other?

I really want these posts to set a standard, to be a window into our lives but also set a benchmark for what these relationships look like.

I want to start by sharing something from @squirtdaboi

Baby Riley

When my daddy asked me to write about what its like having a daddy i initially didn’t know what to write about. But after giving it some thought i have to say this.

Ive found myself being so much happier and its so nice having that crutch in my life. That one person that always there for me is so reassuring.

He makes me giggle, smile and blush all at the same time. He does these little things like playing with my hair and giving me tummy rubs when my tummy hurts.

The way he changes me is so fun!!!! He blows raspberries and puts cartoons on for me and he dosent care if i am stinky!! If anything he makes me blushy and encourages it! He helps me push my boundaries and be more confortable being myself around others!

He tucks me and my teddies in at night and he checks on me if i wake up. Oh!!! The other night he even changed me while i slept!!! Just knowing how gentle he was and the care he puts into our time makes everything so much better!

If I’m feeling anxious in public he makes sure I’m okay! He makes me squirm and get embarrassed but it doesn’t upset me, it makes me happy.

Bath times are great. I get to play and enjoy myself! Daddy pretends to hate when i splash him with water but i know he secretly loves it!

He makes me feel loved and happy and safe and when i go to see him i feel at ease and i can be tiny and not have a problem.

He also helps me with my ‘big feelings’ and is always there for me. He recently bought me 2 sets of earbuds to help with my sensory issues which he didn’t have to do!

He helps me figure out trains for coming to see him and we are currently looking at getting me a tablet too!

He’s so helpful and doesn’t mind listening to me talk about my problems and things that are going on. He lets me talk until I'm happy and then i can go right back to watching bluey.

He helps me push me to my limits when going out in public and lets me explore my way of doing things. He doesn’t force me to do anything at all. It’s honestly so nice.

I guess the main thing im trying to say is….

HE IS AMAZING!!!

Daddy's thoughts

Honestly reading that made me cry, I know this was a lot for him to do, but once again he proves he's such a sweet little boy and not the "bad" kid he's made out to be!

Here's what this boy means to me, in the short while that he's come into my life, he's turned it upside down in the best possible way!

His cheekiness makes it impossible not to smile, his smile makes it impossible to not feel happy, his whole face lights up as he barely contains his joy; and it's beautiful!

When he's here I have to stay close, and if I'm close he's got to snuggle, and I get moaned at if I don't. It's completely adorable!

He gets squirmy in public and tells me "shut up" emphasis on the "shuuuut uppp" hehe. It's adorable to watch!

He genuinely needs me in so many ways, so much that he makes me feel like a real Daddy, something I've not felt since my son was little.

The first time he said "I love you Daddy" made my heart melt, it came out of nowhere just as I was about to rush off to the corner shop for an emergency supply of wipes- he was very stinky and feeling very little.

He has the most adorable giggle, there's nothing better than giving him tickles!

He's not kidding about the splashes, I really do love how I end up wetter than him at bath time!

And at bed time I have to snuggle with him, he snuggles into my chest and stays there all night, sometimes I'm convinced he can't get close enough. The other day he turned around only to come back with my giant doggy stuffie, scooting in so I had to cuddle them both; and somehow he took up 3/4 of my bed and left me a sliver!

Honestly I love it when he comes, I hate it when he leaves; even though he's only 30 minutes away!

He's such a special boy, he's warm, he's kind, he's sweet and he's just a boy, who needs a Daddy to love, care and protect him! And I get to be that Daddy!

And that's freaking awesome!!

[lexusiswriting]

A love you deserve (Ricky Olson) - Part 7 of ?

Hi guys!

I think this story will have 2 more parts, but we'll have to see. If you have any requests, you can send them for future fanfics or one-shots. <3

Warnings: none.

Taggs: @multifandomcrackhead, @nicelittlenightmares, @roll-tide-babe89, @skulliecadaver-blog, @21-century-tae, @melissa-anderson, @abiomens, @w743, @insanitywulf, @awkwardalex, @philomenie

Requests: OPEN.

______________________________

The last week of the tour was pure torture. I refused to get out of my bed if it didn’t imply getting on the stage, that was my only exception. Chris came to see me every day, trying to know what happened that changed me so drastically. Even at that moment, I kept the secret as I promised - not one soul would ever hear it from me.

After we ended our thing, I thought I would suffer in peace, but that was not the case. Apparently, someone saw us one night, leaving Ricky’s bus. That person took pictures of us and posted them online. I cried even more when I saw them. We were holding hands and smiling at each other. The photo in which we were kissing destroyed me the most. His arms were on my waist, making sure there was no space left between us, while my hands were in his hair. Even while kissing we were both smiling and everyone thought we were very much in love. I wished this was the case.

While we were trying to put out the fire separately, because I refused to talk to him, Ben decided to make this whole thing even worse for me. One hour after the pictures were posted, he made a post on a social platform about me. He called me all sort of names, saying that Ricky was the one to end our relationship and promised that things will not stay this way. I knew what he can do when he is jealous, but I was sure this time it was only a strategy to clear his name in case I would decide to tell the world the real reason behind our breakup.  

I was still looking at those pictures when I heard Chris came to visit me for the last time.

“How are you feeling?”

“Nothing changed. Maybe a little bit worse than before.”

“You can’t stay like this forever.”

“I know. I just need to get out of here.”

“Well, this is the last day. And as the tradition goes, we start with a party and we will end with one as well.”

“I’m not coming. And you’ll never change my mind.”

“Believe me, it will help you. I’ll make sure Ricky will be nowhere near you.”

“I said no, Chris. We have one more concert in an hour. After that, we will go home. I already talked with the boys and they said this is the best thing to do as well.”

He sighed and looked at the ground. I knew he was trying his best to help me, but no one could do anything at this moment.

“Alright, I won’t try to convince you anymore. I promise I will come to see you when I’ll be in L.A.. But you have to promise me the next time I’ll see you, you’ll be happier.”

“That I can promise.”

I gave him a hug, thanking him for being my best friend.

____________________________________

Ricky’s point of view

Even though he denied it every time, I know Chris hates me. I broke Lexus’s heart and for that, he will never forgive me. He started a fight after the pictures were posted and demanded to know everything. Unfortunately, I had to break my promise and tell him everything. I couldn’t help her now, but Chris could, only if he knew the truth. Every time I would ask how she was feeling, he would respond that it was not my business. I wished to be that easy to ask her myself, but Xander acted like her personal bodyguard.

While I was walking to the party, I realized how afraid I was to see her. Maybe it will make her even more upset, or she will pretend I do not exist at all. I don’t know which is worse.

I got a drink and found a free table, searching the place for Lexus. I really hope Chris convinced her to come, under the pretext that she will feel better. Not seeing her for a week started something in me that I could not explain.

After some time, I saw Chris approaching me, but he was alone.

“Congratulations, Ricky. I’ve never seen Lexus so heartbroken before.”

“Where is she? Maybe I can try to talk to her and …”

“She just left. Being here made her feel worse, so she decided to go home.”

I had enough time for 7 days to apologize to her and I didn’t. Now she is gone and who knows when I’ll see her again.

#ricky horror #ricky olson #ricky olson x reader #ricky olson fanfic #ricky horror imagine #justin morrow #miw #ryan sitkowski #vinny mauro #chris motionless #motionless in white #motionless in white fanfic #miw band #miw fanfic #miw imagine

[reverie-starlight]

hello, hope ure doing well :D may i please request an akaashi fic where the reader is going thru grief of the passing of their mother and can’t focus in class leading onto low grades for their semester exam making them feel even worse bc that’s not what their mom wants (reader always gets good grades) and reader feels like a disappointment and just breaks down one day?? i’m so sorry if this is too specific, just finding it hard to cope and no one understands!! thank you so much <3

ANON I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, but I have literally been dealing with exactly what you requested (still am, but now I'm on reading week so :P). And since I'm literally writing this immediately after a rough grieving session of my own, I feel like now I can tackle it and do it justice. bc... as someone who also used to get good grades before my mom died then started almost failing everything after... this hits hard!!

And just another little side note, I'm so sorry for your loss. if you ever want to reach out to talk to someone who's going through the same thing, my inbox or my messages are always open <3 dead mom club solidarity !! thank you so much for your request, anon and again i'm SO sorry this took so long.

{Grades and Grief- Akaashi}

warnings: death of mother (mentioned and focused on, no descriptive details), depression/grief, anxiety, this counts as hurt/comfort right? fluff and lots of support from akaashi. university life needs to be a warning tbh so its here.

gn!reader, timeskip!akaashi (except it's more like, in between the time skip cause it's university)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your heart dropped as you opened your emails and saw that the grades for your midterms had been posted.

on one hand you were hopeful. maybe you did better than you expected? maybe you would open up the online portal and see that you passed. just a pass, that's all you were hoping for at this point.

you ignored the way your stomach twisted at the fact that all you wanted was a pass. you used to be at the top of your classes in high school, and now you were barely scraping by.

but deep down you knew it would be a failing grade. it was getting impossible to hope for anything better. you could barely find it in yourself to go to class some days, let alone actually study. it required more brain power than you could expend.

and on the days you did go to class, you felt like a zombie. mindless, lethargic, stupid. definitely not in any condition to take notes that were good enough to aid you.

you opened the email and sighed. another fail. you tried to convince yourself that you'd do better next time. that you'd start studying earlier, you'd go to your professor's office hours and ask questions, you'd do the work that needed to be done.

your future was at stake, why couldn't you just put in the the work-

this was one test in one class. there would be other chances to raise your grade.

breathe.

how many times can I keep telling myself that before I stop believing it? before it becomes an empty promise?

breathe. you'll be okay.

it's self-sabotage, how much longer can I just stay like this? mom wouldn't have wanted this for me. she'd want to see me succeed. I'm such a-

breathe.

you tried to do exactly what your boyfriend kept telling you: be kind to yourself. "you're grieving the death of someone who was supposed to be there your whole life. the one person you never thought would leave. it's completely natural to be struggling with your mental health right now. don't be mean to yourself." is what he had said. "take the time to feel what you need to feel, bottling it up will only make it worse."

you sighed and curled yourself into a ball on your bed. you were finding it hard to breathe.

feel what you need to feel, huh? when was the last time you had a good cry session, anyway?

the tightness in your chest only grew as you started to tear up. you tried to keep the thoughts of being a disappointment to your mother away, but you glanced at the picture of her smiling face on your nightstand and winced.

if she could see you know, you wondered if she would be angry or comforting.

grieving was one of the loneliest experiences anyone could ever deal with. unique to each person, not one person to share the same memories with, becoming acutely aware of your own timeline. and not something that happens often to young people. none of your friends understood. they could try, but they'd never get it. and sometimes you felt like they didn't even care enough to attempt it.

you've never felt more alone and you've never been more aware of it.

"and if you ever need comfort, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'm always here to listen. it's never going to be too much."

so instead of dwelling on it, you picked up your phone and called the one person who would.

it took three rings for akaashi to pick up.

the smile in his voice immediately soothed you. anything related to your boyfriend felt like a blanket to you. comforting, warm and soft. "hello, my love, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

you sniffed and tried to get some words out without choking up. "keiji," his name came out pitifully.

"oh sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"can you come over, please? I need you."

"of course I can, I'll be right there. I love you."

"I love you, please be careful."

the second you hung up the phone, you let more tears fall freely. you didn't even know what you were crying about anymore, there were so many emotions mixed up inside you. but for some reason you didn't want to fully let loose while you were alone. you wanted comfort when you were at your most vulnerable- comfort and validation you weren't capable of giving yourself in that moment. there was only one other person who could give you that now.

while you waited, you thought more about your mother. it really wasn't fair that you had to lose her, why did she have to go? it didn't matter how long it had been since she passed, this type of pain will be everlasting, you thought.

ten minutes later you heard the door to your apartment unlock and you got up to greet him. he had a bunch of bags in his arms that he set down the minute he saw you walk out of your room.

he held his arms open and you crashed into him immediately. finally you felt safe enough to let the dam break. akaashi shushed you as you sobbed into his chest, rubbing your back gently and whispering soft affirmations into your ears.

"what happened, my love?"

"I- I failed another test," you hiccupped. "and I don't know what to do to help myself get out of this hole."

"oh dear... it's going to be okay."

he tenderly picked you up and carried you to the bedroom and you continued to cry into his shoulder. his heart broke at the sound of your whimpers.

once you were both settled comfortably on your bed, you took one of his hands and played with his fingers. "keiji, am I a disappointment?"

he shook his head before you could even finish speaking. "never."

"I just feel like I'm letting so many people down, myself included, but mainly my mom... her one request throughout my whole life was that I do my best in school. and now I'm failing and I can't help but think-" your voice cracked and he cupped your cheek with his other hand.

"baby, look at me. you are not a disappointment, okay? you are so far from that ever even being a possibility. and she would be so proud of you."

you looked up at him and your eyes widened. "but I'm not living up to her expectations-"

"you're doing your best. she would understand that."

"I'm not, though!" a flash of red hot anger ran through you. "I'm not doing my best! If I were doing my best, I'd be passing. I'd be studying, paying attention in my classes and not just staying in bed. not just staring at the ceiling and dissociating for hours when I need to be working on assignments. I'm not doing my best and I don't know how to fix it!" instead of getting upset at you for blowing up, he just listened to what you were saying.

as you got up to pace the room, you kept ranting. "I know something needs to change, I can't keep going on like this, but it's like I'm stuck, keiji, I don't know what to do and I'm so angry. and I'm tired, exhausted, actually. I hate this, I feel useless. I'm in limbo. I don't know why I can't force myself to change, but I'm absolutely not doing my best."

true anger wasn't an emotion you felt often before your mom died, but now you were well acquainted with it. you thanked your lucky stars you scored a partner as patient as akaashi.

"have you considered that you're doing the best with what you have right now?"

you paused and looked at him. "what?"

he shifted and took your hand. "my love, you've been through something extremely traumatic. you've told me before that you've been in survival mode for a very long time now. that's not your fault. you can't control it on your own. keeping that in mind, you absolutely are doing your best. you get up and keep going everyday. even though it scares you. you're still kind, and actively striving to be a good person. this rough patch is temporary, everything will be okay. she would be proud of you for everything you've overcome so far."

you bit your lip and looked down, shaking your head. "what if this is 'my best' forever? what if I'm not capable of changing anymore?"

"anyone is capable of change at any given time, my love, you're the one who told me that. I promise you, everything will be okay. and besides," he tugged your hand to guide you onto his lap. "the willingness to change and not just refuse to heal is there."

"but what if it takes too long?"

"it won't. there's no such thing as too long, everyone's healing process is different. and you have me by your side as well, ready to help however you need." he finished his speech with a kiss to your nose and you smiled a bit.

"...thank you, keiji. I love you."

"I love you too, dear. I'll be here as long as you'll let me."

"forever, if that's alright with you?"

"of course, my love." his arms tightened around you.

"can we stay like this for a bit longer?"

"mhmm, you've had a big day. we can cuddle for as long as you need."

you buried your face into the crook of his neck and planted a few kisses. "I love you,"

he kissed the top of your head. "I love you too, sweetheart."

you repeated the phrase over and over again, smiling a little wider each time he returned the sentiment with a kiss to your face.

"can I ask you one more thing?"

"go ahead."

"are you proud of me despite me failing so much this year?"

"I'm so proud of you, baby. nothing would ever change that."

looking up at him with wide eyes, he just smiled and leaned down to kiss your lips. "so proud of my baby. always trying their best. so sweet, so kind, just needs to be loved on a little extra sometimes. all mine."

a happy sigh was released, and with it, most of the tension in your body, so you rested against your boyfriend. "all yours."

you felt a lot better now. not perfect, and still uncertain about some things, but at least with akaashi there you knew you didn't have to go it alone.

~BONUS SCENE~

after a while of cuddling in bed, a thought hit you and you shot up, obviously in a clearer, less fuzzy state of mind.

"love, what were all those bags you had earlier? did you stop somewhere before you came?"

his eyes widened a bit and a blush spread over his cheeks. "yes and no. uh... before you called, I was actually picking us up some food and other things for a stay-in date night. I was planning on surprising you today."

you could have burst into tears again at how cute his confession was. "keijiiiii, you're so sweet!" you ran your fingers through his hair a bit and he melted into the touch. "what a sweet boy I have," you cooed.

he made a noise of protest and you giggled. "can we go see what you bought? please?"

he nodded and smiled at you. he was so glad you seemed to be in better spirits now. there wasn't anything akaashi keiji wouldn't do to see you happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this was literally just me projecting holy shit. that was really a look inside my brain, wow. but anon I hope you enjoyed it!! and I hope it was worth the wait, I'm so so so so sorry it took so long. this is the first thing I've managed to write in a while (and I wrote this all in one sitting!!). But the ask was very therapeutic for me, I really need this type of validation :'D

#akaashi x reader #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji fluff #akaashi x reader fluff #akaashi x reader angst #akaashi keiji angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader fluff #haikyuu x reader angst

[nogenderbee]

Night Ride with Ena

Happy Birthday to my sweet artist~ I'm so in love with her <3

TagList: @modyuki @bleachtheidiot - come get your pretty illustrator~

Ena was rambling to you one day that she has motivation block and even when she tries to draw something, she can never be happy from the result or gives up half the way, and she has to draw song cover for her group! So of course with her birthday creeping around the corner, you couldn't leave your girlfriend like that.

Luckily for both of you, her birthday was at weekend so you didn't had to worry about her school and instead could relax while realizing your plan. You told her that you'll pick her up since you recently got your driving license (let's say you're 18 here) and you also told her to bring some of her drawing supplies she likes the most. Sure, it took some convincing since you didn't wanted to spill the surprise but it worked in the end!

"Hey, I'm here. So care to tell me what you needed my art supplies for?"

"Just hop in and you'll see on the way!"

"Alright... You better not make me regret my decision tho!"

And with that, you started and somehow you even managed to make Ena forget about what you may be planning and both of you just enjoyed your company and rambled on your way to the spot you had in mind.

Once you finally arrived to small field where you could take a seat without a problem and she had space to draw pretty scenery.

"How do you like it!"

"It's lovely! I'm sure I can take some pretty good photos and maybe even draw something! That's why you wanted me to bring my art supplies, right?"

"Exactly! But if you don't have motivation, I won't force you to draw!"

"Don't worry. I think I'm gonna do it either way out of my own will. But first, say cheese!"

As she said that, she turned on camera ready to take photo of both of you and shortly after, of course she took a photo.

"Hehe~ Are you gonna post it on your socials?"

"Hm? Ah, no. It's for me and you alone~!"

It got you a little shade of pink on your cheeks but you were glad that both of you have something to cherish this cute little moment of yours.

"You're amazing, you know~?"

"H-Hey!! Why are you saying stuff like that so randomly?!!"

"I guess I couldn't stop myself! Anyway, happy birthday, Ena."

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

#project sekai #colorful stage #project sekai colorful stage #x reader #project sekai x reader #colorful stage x reader #project sekai colorful stage x reader #ena shinonome #ena shinonome x reader #project sekai ena shinonome #project sekai ena x reader #fluff #project sekai fluff #project sekai oneshot #oneshot

[fallingfor-fics]

Bargain- Negan x Reader

⊹ Part 2 to Souvenir ⊹

Pairing: Negan x Female Reader

Warnings: none, mentions of sex, Negan being intimidating and charming 

Word Count: 4.7k 

Summary: You have been at the Sanctuary a week and Negan’s wives come to try and convince you to stay, Negan comes home and you two end up making a deal. (no smut unfortunately, the final part will be full of it though)

Part 3: Anarchy

I'd managed to last the first week here in the Sanctuary, not really making any friends quite yet but Negan kept me pretty busy. And by busy I mean either leaving me waiting around in his house for him to come fuck me, or I was just lying in my room waiting for him to summon me. I hadn’t really found anything enjoyable here besides him, even if it was just sex and the occasional post-fuck conversation. The other members of the community all had their own jobs and duties that kept them on the go, and since I obviously wasn't allowed to leave, the most socializing I had done was awkward conversations with Dwight when he would escort me to Negan’s. I realized he had practically made me a ‘wife’ just without the comfort of the other girls and a fancy title. I didn't care for the position but there wasn't much I could do as of right now. I had been trying to spend more personal time with Negan in order to get to know him, as well as try to make him see I'm not really someone that you want to be around very long. However, I barely learned a thing about him, he was a closed book. But that didn't mean it wasn’t fairly easy to get even a tiny read off of him. Especially if I was able to convince him to crack open the whisky bottle, then he would be a little more trusting and maybe tell me something from before he’d become the leader here. Still he never touched the memories from before the world's end, but I didn't blame him, those were ones we all try not to forget but rarely want to think about. 

I was sitting on my bed thinking all of this over, recalling all of the events that took place this week. I was shocked at my lack of resistance, I had not even attempted escape or manipulation. Although I guess that is what my current plan sort of was. Convince Negan he is better off without me and that I'm easily replaceable. I had a feeling the main obstacle in all of this was Negan's pride. He took me from Rick and now feels he has an obligation to get as much use out of me as possible. But the truth was I couldn’t find out how to approach this man, I needed to know exactly the type he wanted in order to portray otherwise. I was also fearful he was just the type I want, and that I would slip up and he would see right through me. That was the other challenge here, he was already taking mental notes on me, in every conversation and interaction we had these past days I could see he was remembering every little thing. I had to be all the more careful with this, wishing I could just be myself since that usually seemed to work with the guys I'd managed to get acquainted with in the past. 

I was so lost in my endless worries I hadn't heard the knock at the door until another, louder one followed. I finally registered the noise and carefully got up from the bed, opening the door and preparing myself to see Negan, but I allowed a smile to grace my face when I saw two women standing in front of me. I could recognize immediately from their appearance exactly who they were. “May I help you?” I said in a rather fake cheery voice. The brunette woman who stood a few inches taller than the other girl, as well as myself-- though I wasn't wearing my heels I will add, smiled and spoke softly. “Negan sent us to… befriend you.” she replied, her tone insinuating they were a little less interested in the idea than Negan would like them to be. I looked between the girls, the blonde next to her was shorter than us, and she was very skinny as well. “Oh, would you like to come in?” I offered and they looked at each other before smiling and the brunette spoke up, “Um it's actually probably better we go back to our house.” I looked at them before hesitantly nodding, “Yeah, okay that works.” I laughed awkwardly before turning to slip my shoes on and following them out the door. 

We got to their house, which was next to Negan’s and I was surprised he didn't just stick them in his own house. But I guess the girls appreciate having their own residence without his lingering presence following them. They led me to what I assumed was the living room and a few other girls were sitting on the large couches, drinking and chatting away before their attention was brought to us. The brunette girl looked at them and waved her hand signaling them to flee and they all rolled their eyes. One girl even stared me down as she reluctantly allowed herself to be dragged away by the hand of another woman. Once they were gone I let out a breath and scoffed, the two women who had been silent the whole way here didn’t attempt to put out the awkward fire that had started. We moved to take their spots on the couches and I sighed. “I’m Y/n I don’t know what Negan has told you about me.” I said kindly and the brunette smiled, “We know, you’re all he's been talking about.” she said and I just nodded, “Yeah you’re his dazzling new toy.” the blonde blurted out and the brunette nudged her with her elbow. 

“I’m Sherry and this is Amanda.” the brunette replied and I nodded. “Well its nice to meet you both.” I crossed my arms and leaned back on the couch looking between the two girls. The sad women looked like frightened mice. Although I could see the resentment and misery in Sherry’s eyes, and it told me she was more than likely on my side, and Amanda, poor girl just seemed lost. “I think you guys know that I didn’t come here on my own then.” I stated and they both nodded. “Good, so then you know I’m not trying to step on any toes.” the air got thick and we all fell silent. This was one of the most awkward conversations I had ever had and I felt like bursting into a fit of laughter at the situation I'd been pulled into. “Look here’s the thing Y/n,” Sherry began, in her own fake and condescending tone, “We don’t mind you being here, in fact we prefer it.” I was taken aback for a moment at the fact and observed her and Amanda’s expression, trying to get a sense of what they were up to. “The truth is since you being here, Negan has pretty much forgotten about us. I mean most of our usual jobs have been taken over by you and now we are almost just… housewives.” Amanda nodded in agreement and I furrowed my brows, “But its fine- its better actually.'' Sherry added and I stayed quiet to think.

I felt bad for my next response, I didn’t want to give these girls hope though. Plus I barely know them and its not my business to free them of their wifely duties and risk getting beheaded by Negan. Call it immoral but look around at the world we are in and check again if me minding my own fucking business is stupid. “I hate to say this but im not going to be here much longer you know?” I responded and they looked at each other. “I thought you liked Negan?” Amanda asked and I felt a migraine come on at the insinuation. “What?” I shook my head and kept from laughing. I didn’t even know how to convince these girls of anything because I didn’t know what they would relay back to Negan. “Look, you two are really nice but I don’t have any interest in being friends with you. And soon Negan is going to realize that I’m nothing special and he will discard of me, he was already taking a chance picking me and I only ‘volunteered’ because I had to.” I finished and they both sighed, relaxing their postures and appearing to give up on their mission to convince me they were happy, empty-headed girls. “Why did you volunteer? Boyfriend?” Amanda asked with sarcasm in her voice. I was offended by the reality of her personality and just shook my head. “No, it was either me or my friend, and she doesn’t deserve this.” I quipped back, allowing my serious tone to return. “And you think we do? You think we didn’t assume Negan would get tired of us too?” Amanda got more visibly upset as she spoke and I watched as Sherry just kept an eye on her. “There’s a reason there are seven of us you know.” Sherry defended in a calm tone. She just seemed drained of hope now. “Eight.” Amanda snarked, looking me up and down. “I’m not one of you guys okay? I mean did you forget Negan is just a man for christ’s sake?” I scoffed and they looked at me confused, “As soon as you guys hit a certain age I’m sure he will find newer models to replace you with that just what they do.” Sherry shook her head and Amanda stood up to walk towards me. 

I stood up as well, slightly towering over the girl, “You’re so ignorant, you think you have figured it all out, well I guarantee you you’re way more fucked than you think.” She tried to step closer and get in my face but Sherry stood and grabbed her arm. “Amanda that’s enough, go with the other girls.” she ordered softly and Amanda looked at her before scoffing and storming off into the other rooms. “We don’t want to cause trouble-” Sherry began and I shook my head, “Right.” I said crossing my arms and she looked around nervously. “I swear we just… I know you can see how miserable we are. And Amanda is crazy, but she is right. Negan may just appear to be like that with us but he knows exactly what he is looking for. I just want to give you a reality check, I have been here the longest and I can already see just by looking in your eyes that you are going to end up being just what he’s been wanting. And I think you know well enough he isn’t the kind of man to let things go easy.” I was stuck in place at her speech, she was telling the truth, I could see so clear that she was right and I felt my insides turn; my mind now racing with possibilities. The migraine returned and I just stared at her in anger and disbelief. “Man you’re a bitch.” I said and she straightened up, “I’m just telling you what you need to hear.” she replied and I couldn’t find it in me to be angry at the response. Especially since I knew damn well id said the same thing many times to others. I felt a mutual respect rise between us but we both continued to keep our heads up. 

It was then a thought displayed in my head and I furrowed my brows, “Wait did Negan even actually send you guys?” I questioned and just as Sherry went to speak, the sound of heavy boots on the old, creaky, wooden floors came from the room the other girls inhabited and both of us immediately straightened up. “No. He did not.” Negan’s voice rang as he strode into the room, a large shameful grin plastered on his face and his precious bat over his shoulder. “Fuck.” Sherry and I both happened to mutter under our breaths and his smile grew. “Fuck is right.” he spoke softly, walking over to the both of us and looking between our two frames. “Negan I promise-” Sherry began but he gave her a look that caused her to give up her attempt at an explanation. He stayed silent, his smile now gone as he towered over the both of us, taking his time to decide what to do next. He stood as if he was the principle and we were two girls that got into a fight and needed to be punished accordingly. Had we been lucky and it was any other day, one where Negan had not been dragged away on business that clearly left him a bit unhinged, he may have just enjoyed the both of us here. A bit afraid and willing to do anything to avoid a real punishment.  “Tell me why you took it upon yourself to take her from her room and bring her here to… do what exactly? Scare her? Feed her a bunch of bullshit? Or am I overacting and I just walked into a slumber party?” he scolded, his voice was slightly raised and empty of any amusement or even sarcasm, not so much as a smirk on his face to lead us to believe he was anything other than infuriated. Sherry stuttered out sounds for a moment before shaking her head, “No, Sir, I wanted her to get to know some people since she may be here awhile…” It was a good excuse if he hadn't heard everything she’d been telling me before he made his entrance. Negan just looked over her face as she stayed calm, surely shaking with fear on the inside. “Uh huh. Well dont pull that shit again. Go.” he said and she nodded before hurrying out of the room, glancing once at me as she exited. 

I stood there awkwardly as he watched Sherry leave and then looked down at me once again. I could sense his exhaustion from whatever he’d run off to, and I could tell he was all the more angry he had to deal with us upon arriving as opposed to resting or engaging in something more pleasurable. “She’s not going to be in trouble right?” I finally spoke out and he furrowed his brows, straightening his stance, unexpectant of my concern for the woman. “Come on.” he replied grabbing my wrist and dragging me over to his home. I just respected the fact he probably wouldn’t answer any of my questions and stayed quiet as he led me up the stairs and to his bedroom. I expected him to just have his way with me as soon as we entered the large room but instead he shut the door as he dropped my hand and propped the baseball bat against the frame. He spoke out in a deep tired tone as he moved to take off his jacket, “Mind pouring me a drink doll?” Was he not mad? I thought he would at least yell at me a little. I looked at him and his worn state but then thought about the action and shook my head, “No, I’m not your butler.” I stated calmly and sat on the edge of the bed. He hung up his jacket before disappearing into the bathroom, “Okay, then make a drink for yourself and then me while you’re at it.” he mocked a hint of his sarcasm returning and I rolled my eyes.

I eventually obeyed but only because Rick hardly kept any alcohol and so I always took advantage of Negan’s offers. I assumed he was changing or cleaning up while I made my way over to his antique bar cart he told me he had obtained from this locked up mansion he’d come across one day, although I don’t know I believe him. I picked up the crystal bottle filled halfway with whiskey and poured two drinks, putting the cap back on and carrying the drinks to the small table he had between the fireplace and small sofa. It was very extravagant in his room but it was fitting for such an extravagant and complicated man. I took my shoes off and tucked my feet under me on the couch. I was just wearing another simple dress, Negan provided a variety of basic sundress options with matching shoes along with multiple sets of lingerie, all different colors and styles. Tonight I found myself in a black lace set, I had come to realize black was Negan’s favorite fairly early on and I had a suspicion red was second. I was getting annoyed with him taking so long as I sat patiently on the plush sofa. I went to take a sip of the bitter drink but from behind me a hand came around and pushed the cup away from my lips. “Hey!” I exclaimed, backing away slightly to glare up at him. “Its rude to start drinking when your guest isn’t ready.” He snarked as he grabbed his own glass off the table and sat a few feet from me on the opposite end of the couch. He lifted his leg onto his knee and ran a hand through his hair before letting out a large sigh. 

I swallowed to help my now dry throat and he just stared at me, his brown eyes were shimmering with intensity and I felt my nerves come up on me once again. I was also just annoyed with his games and wanted him to get on with whatever he was up to. “So tell me what Sherry told you.” he smiled and raised the glass to his lips to take a small sip, never tearing his eyes from mine. It was a power move I could tell and so I knew I had to be careful with my approach. “Well I also met Amanda and she’s just kind of crazy.” I said softly, taking a larger sip from my own drink. He nodded and urged me to continue. “They don’t seem to like me too much, but they don’t want me to leave because apparently… you only really fuck me now.” I made eye contact with him once more, hiding the smile that wanted to appear on my face at the slight twitch in his neck. 

He could care less they told me these facts, what he didn’t like was how much I enjoyed the confession, and how much power this could give me. But he didn’t let it affect his actions too much and he just shook his head before taking another sip. “What else did she tell you?” he asked and I shrugged, “Nothing really, just that i’m a mindless fool and i’m going to be stuck here forever.” he raised his brows in surprise at that one and I just fiddled with the ridges on the glass, not looking up at the intimidating man as I got lost in thought. “Well I did catch you calling Sherry a bitch.” he chuckled, I wasnt sure what he was trying to do but it wasnt working. Instead I just nodded along, “Yes well, we both had some valid points.” I replied and he took the last swig of his drink and placed the empty glass on the table with a clink. Not once did he tear his eyes from mine as he studied my exterior, trying to figure out why I wasnt expressing even a little bit of attitude. “What you saying youre stupid doll? Cause I can tell you I know thats not true.” I finished my drink as well, “No definitely not.” I let my sarcasm drip in a little at that comment and he let a smirk rise to his cheek. 

“Am I ever going to get the chance to go home Negan?” I asked bluntly and he let his smile fade and sat up straight, “Like I said, when I make a decsion i'll let you know, but as of right now just enjoy your time here.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, looking away and I could sense a shift of energy from the man. “Dont act like you haven't already been enjoying the perks. I could be making you work.” he reminded and I hated to say he was right, I would much rather get to have multiple orgasms at the hands of a hungry womanizer as opposed to working all day for him and walking on eggshells 24/7. I didnt like his answer to my question either way and so I stayed silent unsure of a response. He got up without a word and I watched as he picked up his glass and then plucked mine from my fingers as well. I allowed my eyes to follow his tall figure, he went and refilled our glasses adding a bit more than I had originally and coming to sit down again. He handed me my drink and I grabbed it with a smirk, “thanks.” was all I said and he sat down as he took a sip. I could feel by the tension in the air he was unsure of what he could say that would convince me ill be happy here and take my mind off the subject all together. “Whats your problem? I have to say I dont care for whatever this is.” he said not hesitating to add a gesture over me with his hand. I held back a scoff and shoved down the urge to just get up an leave at the question, “Im just thinking about everything.” I replied simply and he nodded, “Well I can understand that, and since you actually said something I can help you out,” he smirked, taking another large mouthful of the auburn liquid before setting the glass down and gesturing to his lap.

“Come sit.” he smiled and I looked at him for a moment before slowly standing up and awkwardly sitting on his knee. “Relax okay?” he said in a calming voice and I got more comfortable in his lap and he softly began stroking my thigh. He grabbed my glass from my hands to bring it to his lips. I furrowed my brows but then felt heat rise to my cheeks and my core throb for a moment as he took a sip and then pushed it up to my lips to take a sip as well. I didnt resist in wrapping my lips around the crystal rim that was damp from his own mouth. “May I remind you of something Y/n?” he said in a serious tone and I relaxed my shoulders and nodded knowing he was going to say it either way. “Look at the world, so whats even a few years here with me?” I looked over his face, the charming dimples appearing with his grin and I blinked to snap myself out of the trance. “No-no, Im not doing that.” I stammered out and he just smiled, stopping his fingers on my thigh and gripping it to scoot me closer to him. He went to offer up another cocky remark but I spoke up again, “What about a deal?” I asked, taking a sip from my drink and allowing him to take a sip as well. He licked his lips as he noticed the curiosity in my eyes, “I dont think so little girl.” He quipped and he went to reach for his own glass but I set mine down instead and stopped him. I threw my other leg over his lap, straddling him and placing my hands on his shoulders. He couldnt help a smirk, as well as the reflex of his rough hands coming to rest on my ass. 

“Please at least hear my proposal.” I begged and pressed my hips down to gain some slight friction and he smiled, “Fine.” he looked into my eyes with interested and eager ones, looking over my face as he waited. I slid my hands to his chest and thought about the deal I had yet to come up with. “How about, if I still want to leave in a week you let me?” I took a chance and he smiled, “Nice try, no. You would just say you still want to leave anyways.” I frowned and tried again, “what if we see who can resist sex the longest?” it was now his turn to frown and If I was being honest I wasn’t really a fan of this option either. “Look princess, just accept that you’re trying to find an excuse to leave. You are very smart and if you wanted to escape im sure you would have by now.” he taunted and I looked away in embarrassment since my subconscious knew he wasn’t far off. 

Then I had the perfect idea, one I thought may actually peak the mans interest. “Okay last one, I bet I can get you to be begging for me to fuck you.” his eyes darkened at that one and I smiled, realizing it had indeed intrigued the man. I ran a hand up to his face, feeling the rough scruff on his cheeks as he thought about the request, “Ok but you aren’t allowed to just consistently deny me of sex that’s cheating.” he added the rule and I rolled my eyes, “Ok fine.” He smiled and I tugged the hair at the base of his neck and he gave a squeeze to my ass in response, causing my cheeks to flush. “But you aren’t allowed to fuck any of the other girls.” I said confident in my own condition being added as well and he looked at me for a moment. I could tell he already had the answer but didn’t want to seem too welcoming of the idea of having just me. “Fine.” he smiled and I raised my hand to shake on it. He locked his calloused hand in mine and shook it. 

His eyes grew lustful and I allowed a devilish grin of my own to appear. I held his large hand in mine before slowly moving it down between my legs. I figured now was the time to start and I kept eye contact as I guided his fingers to cup my clothed heat. I let out a shaky breath as he quickly took back control and rubbed soft slow circles over the lace. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, his other hand quick to move from my ass to my jaw, holding my face to kiss me properly and I let out a soft moan. There had never been a man as sensual as Negan was, not that I had ever met at least. He was so full of passion it was hard to not feel completely intoxicated by the man. Our lips continued to move together as his hand movements didnt stop and I felt my panties begin to dampen. I then moved my own hand down to rub his hardening cock through his jeans, feeling it grow more with my touch and he sucked in a breath. “Fuck I want you right now princess.” he muttered into the kiss and I felt the fire in my core grow hotter at the comment, my thoughts now assuring me fucking him wouldnt necessarily affect the deal. I went to take off his shirt but we were interrupted by a knock at the door. Both of us threw our heads back, now incredibly frustrated as we sighed. “What?” Negan replied and Simon opened the door, Dwight taking place behind him. I stayed in my spot as Negan looked over at the door and I just played with the hem of his shirt. 

It was clear Negan was already overdue for a release after the assumingly stressful day he’d had on top of having to deal with me, and now Simon was here to taunt us some more. “We have got a minor emergency Sir.” he stated clearly and just exchanged a look with Negan who groaned annoyed. “Fucking christ.” he rolled his eyes at the idea he could have been pulled from pleasure for something idiotic and he gripped my hips to move me off of him. I whined quietly at the loss of warmth beneath me and he placed a kiss to my lips. “Wait here, and don’t you dare fucking touch yourself.” he whispered in my ear before grabbing his jacket, bat, and the remaining liquid in his glass; he finished it all in one go and set it down on the small table by the door before departing.

a/n thank you @tone-stark​ for the encouragement in making this, the final part will be out soon and I hope you guys enjoy it! 

As always lmk what you think!

#negan x reader #negan the walking dead #negan x female reader #daddy negan #negan fic

[lightsburnbrite]

The Love You Want: Part 3

I was sitting at my desk preparing the morning's market reports for my boss when my phone pinged with an instagram notification. Leon had posted a picture of what I assumed to be a post workout or training meal. I laughed to myself, unable to resist giving him a hard time over his lack of culinary prowess. After some gentle ribbing, Leon challenged me to do better and I happily took him up on it. Of course he didn't know that Alex liked when I made meals for him so I busied myself with cooking classes in London.

We had arranged that he would come and pick me up and I'd make dinner for the two of us. I stopped at the market on my way home for a few things and then changed into something comfy. After taking Greta on her walk and making sure she was set for the evening, I waited for Leon.

After hearing a knock at the door, I opened it to find Leon leaning against the frame with a smirk on his face. "You look cute today."

"Nice try." I handed him the bag to carry. "But flattery won't work on me."

I heard him laugh as  walked to the passenger side door. "What? I can't give you a compliment now?"

“Not entirely convinced it’s genuine, but whatever.” I shrugged as I fastened my seatbelt, deliberately keeping my eyes focused on the road in front of us.

I saw Leon smirk again from the corner of my eye before he cleared his throat. “So how was your day? I know you work for a bank but I don’t remember what it is that you do.”

I couldn’t help but smile when he said he didn’t remember. Truth is, he never knew what I did. “Well, when I first started, I was involved in wealth management. When I got married and quit, I was a financial advisor. Now, since I’ve been out of the field for almost four years, they suggested that I work my way back in so I’m a personal assistant to an investment banker. I do boring things like read market reports, schedule meetings, make reservations, take messages. So basically, my day is very tedious."

He frowned. "Have you thought about switching jobs?"

"Right now," I hesitated for some reason. "I'm mainly focused on getting settled. Then I can start figuring out my other options. Alex helped me set up a little non profit where I helped low income women with budgeting and savings plans. I enjoyed that but I don't know if I'd be able to replicate that here."

This time he shrugged as he pulled into his parking space. "Well, you never know."

Once we were inside and he led me to the kitchen, he turned with a grin, clasping his hands together. "Alright, what are we having?"

"Salmon with asparagus and baby potatoes." I handed him a bottle of wine. "But you'll have to wait until it's done to see how I fix it. Here, this needs to chill."

I got to work, slicing the filet into two equal portions, trimming the asparagus, and slicing the potatoes. Not thinking anything of it, I had taken a few pictures during the prep work and posted them to my instagram account.

“Ok, have you ever juiced a lemon before?” I called Leon back over and he raised an eyebrow at my question.

He laughed albeit uncertainly. “Like, squeezing one?”

“Yes, but,” I pulled him next to me. “Here, we’ll slice it, then kinda cup your hand around the sliced side and then squeeze it. You want to catch the seeds in your hand.”

Once he had juiced the whole lemon, he smiled proudly. “Not so bad.”

“See? Now we’re going to chop some shallots, and then mince some rosemary, thyme, and parsley.” I could only laugh at the look he gave me so I figured I’d be doing that myself. I showed him how to gather everything with a bench scraper and put it in the same bowl as the lemon juice. “And then, we’ll add this to some melted butter which then goes over everything. Can you add some salt and pepper to the salmon first?”

Leon watched me as I spooned the butter mixture over everything and placed the pan in the oven. “Ok, how do you know how to do this?”

“I did take some classes back in London,” I moved him to the side with my hip so I could get to the sink. “But once you have the basics, it’s just practice and then following a recipe plus adjusting it to suit your individual taste.”

He gave a little nod in acknowledgment. “Still, I’m impressed.”

We both looked in the direction of the front door where we had just heard a knock. Leon had a puzzled look on his face as he wasn’t expecting anyone but I stayed put.

"What is she doing here? What's going on?"

I froze as soon as I heard Lara's voice. Her tone was nothing short of irritated and it caught Leon off guard. She had pushed past him and was obviously looking for me. I didn't think me cooking Leon dinner was a big deal but obviously she was following me via instagram and she was put out. It only took a moment for me to come up with an idea to salvage the evening. For Leon, anyway.

"Lara, hi!" I walked over, wiping my hands on a dish towel. "Leon wanted to tell you, but I thought it would make a nice surprise. I took a lot of cooking classes when I lived in London so I helped him with dinner for the two of you tonight. It's in the oven and just about finished so my work here is done. Oh, and there's a Sauvignon Blanc chilling in the fridge to go with dinner. Enjoy!"

Leon's eyes were wide but he recovered quickly. "You're, um, ok to get home then?"

"Yep." I smiled brightly, hoping not to give anything away as I put my coat on. "Absolutely!"

Once outside, I put one earbud in, making sure it was on transparency mode, and pulled my hat down over my ear so passers by wouldn't notice. I put my address into maps and had the voice navigation give me directions by foot. After about two hours I made it home, kicking myself for being too stubborn to take an uber.

"Right." I slumped down on the sofa, talking to myself. "Get your shit together."

Greta cocked her head to the side making me laugh. "Yeah, I know. It was stupid of me to think that I'd move here and we would get together just like that. Maybe I should take a step back and adjust my expectations."

I changed into a hoodie and some joggers, made a packet of instant ramen and parked myself on the sofa with the latest Matthias Schweighöfer film on Netflix. I was only half paying attention when I saw my phone screen light up. 

I am acknowledging the effort you went through to make our meal but I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your friendship with my partner. I would appreciate it if you would respect this boundary and not attempt to contact Leon any more.

I snorted as I tossed the phone next to me on the sofa. I'd definitely be taking a step back, then.

In a way, it was better for me to stop worrying about what Leon was thinking or where he wanted things to go with us. Once I realized there was no "us", I was able to fully concentrate on myself and let myself get acclimated to living in a new city.

I bought myself a nice little BMW X5 and made friends with some coworkers my age. There were a couple others that were divorced as well so we bonded over that. I even didn't throw myself a pity party when my mother asked if I would be ok with her spending Christmas with her sister in Lake Como. I spent Christmas alone and I was quite pleased with how content I felt. 

I had largely ignored his calls and his texts, giving only one word responses when I did reply. When things began to taper off, I figured either Lara talked to him or he got the message. 

Coming home from work one day, I stood in my bedroom and sighed. I could easily call up someone from work and meet them for dinner but I didn’t feel like going back out. Cooking for one always left me with more food than I could eat and it felt wasteful so the whole process became discouraging. I decided to take Greta for a walk and hoped that inspiration would strike.

I stepped out the front door and stopped in my tracks when I saw Leon leaning against his car. "Hi."

"Hey," Leon smiled with a little bit of a raised eyebrow. "Do yo have a minute?"

Holding up Greta's leash, I shrugged. "If you don't mind walking."

He nodded and joined me as I started walking toward the park. "Did I do something wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Of course I knew what he was talking about but I figured it wouldn't hurt for him to be more specific.

He shrugged as if he didn't need to explain any further. "You haven't spoken more than a few words to me, I thought I'd see you at Christmas but you never came home. I felt like we were in a really good place but…was I misreading things?"

"You didn't do anything wrong," I let my arm brush against his. "But you need to talk to Lara."  

Leon stopped and faced me this time. "Does this have something to do with when she came over?"

"She sent me a message saying that..here." I pulled out my phone, queueing up the message she sent me.

He handed my phone back while shaking his head. "I know that you were trying to be helpful when you left and I honestly don't know what else you should have done, but I wanted to have dinner with you, not her."

"I'm just trying to avoid causing any unnecessary drama for you." I kept my attention on Greta because I couldn't look at him.

He let out a heavy sigh. "Yeah, but you shouldn't have to. She doesn't get to decide who I can and cannot have in my life. If she's uncomfortable with you, that's her problem, not yours." 

"Ok, well," I stopped a few steps ahead of him. "I don't know what you want me to do then."

"You don't have to do anything. We just continue on like normal."

I didn't really have a response to that. By this time we made it back to my apartment and Leon came inside with me. With my fingers pressed to my temples, I shook my head. "Just continuing on like normal isn't an option, though. Either we do and Lara gets pissed off at me or we pretend like I never moved here and Lara is happy."

Leon flopped down on the sofa and held his hand out for me to join him but I pretended like I didn't see and he eventually let it rest on his thigh. "I guess I don't understand why you care so much about what Lara thinks."

"Because I've been in that position. Alex had an assistant that I'm pretty sure he was sleeping with." I couldn't look at him by this point. I went to the counter and busied myself with the kettle.

"Yeah, but," He let out a little laugh. "We're not sleeping together so it's not like she has anything to worry about."

Pinching the bridge of my nose as I leaned into the counter, I felt myself sigh. "That's something you need to discuss with her. I've got an early meeting in the morning so I was just going to call it a night…"

I didn't like lying to him but I also couldn't take any more of this conversation. I just wanted to move on.

"Ellie, come on." He started to plead but must have realized it wasn't going to work. Leon stood and met me in the kitchen. "Alright, but next time I call you, please pick up."

Leon ruffled my hair before letting himself out and I turned off the kettle, opting for wine instead.

I woke up early the next morning with the starting of a migraine. I got my eye mask from the freezer and took one of my emergency tablets and waited to see if I needed to call out from work. Any slight shift in atmospheric pressure used to knock me out for the whole day but I finally found a doctor that took me seriously and he started me on a daily preventative with a dissolvable emergency medicine when I felt one coming on. Part of me wanted to call out anyway but I also knew I had just started and wasn't sure of how it would look, calling out so soon.

I was able to fall back to sleep and when my alarm actually went off, I felt well enough to hop in the shower. I had friends back in London who had elaborate skin care regimens but I couldn't be bothered to do much more than a cleanser, a moisturizer and sunscreen. After a little eye liner and mascara, that was the extent of effort that I was willing to put into the morning. 

My migraine medicine left me feeling foggy and it was all I could do to make it to my lunch break.

"Hey!" Serena came up to my desk on the way out for her break. "Any plans tonight?"

I shrugged but raised an eyebrow thinking she was probably going to tell me what I would be doing later.

"Good." She flashed a grin. "My boyfriend's little brother is in town and I was thinking we could do a double date."

I tilted my head, starting to protest. "Little brother?"

"Younger brother." She corrected herself. "But he's like 24, not a total kid."

I hesitated, momentarily, before agreeing. What could it hurt? I'd met Serena's boyfriend and handful of times and he seemed like a nice guy. Not exactly my type but if I didn't like his brother, I wasn't really out anything. 

Serena grinned. "Fantastic. We've got reservations at Tantris, Kai is staying with us so we'll swing by and pick you up."

It was times like these that I appreciated Alex's expensive taste. Outside of the office, I leaned towards more casual apparel but with Alex, we attended many events where the dress code was black tie or close to it. One of my favorite dresses was a black long sleeved mini dress that  was a soft and stretchy material. It was completely plain so I could add whatever accessories that I wanted and the length hit me just right so it made my legs look elegantly long when I wore pointed toe stilettos.

They came to pick me up and I slid into the back seat and instantly knew I had made the right decision. My date for the evening, Kai, was definitely attractive. He had kind eyes and dark brown hair that just covered his ears and he smiled as soon as he saw me.

We made small talk in the back seat but we both acknowledged that there was chemistry between us and although the dinner was enjoyable, we both had other things on our mind. I found out he was a photographer and he lived in Berlin so there wasn’t any long term potential but a quick rebound would do me good and help me get over my feelings for Leon. 

We barely made it through the front door before we had our hands all over each other. I had my eyes closed, my hand resting on the back of his neck while he continued to kiss me. Kai moved forward, a subtle nudge for me to move to the sofa, his hand at the hem of my dress, fingers finding their way up my outer thigh. With a natural inclination to tense as soon as someone new was starting to explore my body, I began looking for a distraction to help me relax and soon found that running my fingers through his hair gave me something to focus on.

I was just thinking of moving us to my bedroom when I heard someone at the front door. As soon as he heard the knock, Kai leapt up like we were two teenagers about to get caught.

"It's fine," I stood and pulled the hem of my dress down to a more modest length. "Just give me a minute to get rid of whoever it is.”

When I opened the door and saw Leon on the other side, I groaned out of frustration. "What?"

"I need to talk to you." Leon moved to walk around me and come inside, but I stepped in his path. 

"Now isn't a good time." I moved closer to him, hoping he couldn't see Kai. "Just call me later or something."

When I actually looked at him, he looked exasperated.

He sighed. "Ellie, please. Five minutes. That's all I'm asking." 

"Um, " Kai put his hand on my shoulder causing me to turn towards him. "Looks like this is a bad time. I'll see you around, I guess." 

"Kai, wait-" I called out after him but he kinda waved me off as he walked off down the street.

Furious, I turned back to Leon, glaring at him. "What do you want from me? Do you expect me to just lurk in the shadows until you decide that you're ready? I'm not allowed to live my life because maybe, maybe you have feelings for me? For fuck's sake, we're almost 30. If you don't know how you feel about me yet then it's not there and you need to let it go. You need to let me go."  

By this point, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I was so angry and frustrated that I no longer had any words.

"I know." He spoke softly as he stepped closer. "I'm such an idiot."

I just stared at him for what seemed like ages, trying to comprehend what he was saying.

"I love you, Elle.”

#leon goretzka #football fanfic #football fan fiction

[ajscico]

Could you post your continuation of Good Enough again?

I'm in the mood for some comfort today.

Here’s the original ask. And here’s a second snippet <3 hope this helps.

It was almost an amusing sight. The bed was nearly bowing under the weight of the four piled on top of it. Wild was propping up Twilight, Wind was practically glued to Twilight’s side and amusingly enough, Legend had sat himself across legs.

“Can I pry you three off Twilight for a few minutes?” Time began, this got him a dirty look from Legend. “I just need to talk to him…” Legend’s sour look temporarily abated as he reluctantly climbed off Twilight. Wind stopped at Time’s side, tugging at his arm to get his attention.

“He’s really sad about something already. Please don’t yell at him.”

“I know. I won’t.” Time ruffled Wind’s hair. Wind let Legend pull him out of the room. Time silently negotiated with Wild to take Wild’s place behind Twilight. (‘I’m holding him up’ was Wild’s simple answer to Time’s look. Time let it fall silent until the others had well and truly left. Meanwhile, Twilight was… withdrawing into himself.

“Pup, we need to talk…” Time began finally, heart tearing just a little more when Twilight flinched.

“I’m sorry… I’ll be fine to travel come morning. I promise…” Time pulled Twilight into his shoulder.

“That’s not exactly what I wanted to talk about…we’re staying for a couple days, Three willing. You scared us pretty bad there, Pup…” Twilight started to pull away again. “Please talk to me. What happened?”

It took a while, starting with the idea that Twilight had known that shifting had been a bad idea, but had done it twice. Once to comfort Sky (‘nightmares’) and then again and already in tremendous pain (‘everyone was gonna be up soon…’) then slowly prying into the reasons why he shifted so much to hurt himself like this…

(‘Wolfie is better for nightmares… Wind prefers him to me in Hylian form… Warriors said I wasn’t around enough…) all the time, there was this thread in the words that Twilight seemed to think this was a requirement of himself… to be helpful (he used ‘useful’ as his choice of words, though this failed to set Time’s alarm bells off until later) to be better somehow... Finally, Twilight let slip his companion on his quest. Twilight had joked about the ‘princess as beautiful as the setting sun’ who had broken his heart but it was…worse than Twilight had let on. She’d left his Pup without a word and left him thinking it had all been his fault. Three help this kid… Time sent a desperate prayer into the universe and threw in a plea for wisdom while he was at it.

“Pup…I can’t speak for your companion…” Three knew he’d been searching for answers to Navi’s leaving since he was a child…and it was awful to know his descendant had suffered a similar experience. “But I can speak for myself… and you need to know…You are enough. We love you. I love you. I’m so proud of you and the goddesses better give us enough time to prove that to you.” That was the straw that broke his pup once again as the quiet sniffing that had been Twilight trying to hold himself together gave way to full aching sobs. Time pulled his Pup tighter to him. Twilight cried himself out and all Time could do was hold him through it.

—

Wild was the first one to brave the doorway several hours later when Twilight had finally fallen asleep.

‘Is he ok?’ There wasn’t really a good answer to that.

“He’s asleep at least…” Wild nodded, then clambered up to Twilight’s other side. Time waved to get Wild’s attention before asking “You ok?” The fact that Wild was signing rather than speaking wasn’t a great sign.

‘Fine, just a bad day…’ Time read the body language of the Champion, twitchy, restless… squeezing eyes shut and hands twitching towards his ears as if trying to convince himself he needed hearing but didn’t want to… Wild was anxious and overwhelmed.

“You may want to find a spot other than right next to Twilight then…Wind is going to be in here the second he realizes where you’ve gone.’ Wild grumbled a bit at that but then moved so he was wedged between the wall and Twilight’s back and then curled up there to block out as much input as he could.

Sure enough, the others came filtering in by ones and twos. Wind resumed his spot wrapped around Twilight’s middle.

“You didn’t yell at him, right?” He questioned, seeing the tear tracks on Twilight’s face.

“No.” Time assured at the look. “We talked about what happened, why he collapsed… what we can do to prevent a repeat… and he told me some things about his adventure…”

“And?” That came from Legend as he took a spot on Wind’s side.

“Yes, anything we can do?” Now the bed was actually groaning under the weight as Warriors reached out to tousle Twilight’s hair.

“Boys, if you break this frame, you will be paying for a new one for our hosts…” that did manage to convince Sky and Hyrule not to also pile on.

“I can’t give many details. His story is his own and he deserves his privacy as much as any of us… but the worst scars aren’t the ones that we can see. We’ve all lost people, whether it be friends from other realms or kingdoms, family taken from us, or companions who left too soon. And loss leaves scars of its own…”

“What, does he think we’re going to just leave him?” Time let his silence answer. Four swore.

“He does, doesn’t he?” This revelation elicited several more muttered expletives that Time didn’t really have the heart to scold.

“That’s not going to be a simple fix…” Legend grumbled.

“No, it isn’t…” it had taken him years to make peace with Termina and the ideas about permanence and relationships it had put in his head.

“So we do what we can with the time we have.”

#asks and answers #lovely nancyheart11 #my wips

[cephei-ea]

Some self indulgence, if you will.

No one has to read this I’m just posting to vent about something I can’t talk to anyone about.

I thought it would be fine when I got with him. I thought it would be fine when I started things, talked to him, got involved with a guy I knew was not going to care about me like I cared about him for three years. And in all honesty it’s my fault for having told myself, having known exactly how things would turn out, that I could make things work. I liked him since high school and knew enough to understand that he would never be capable of reciprocation. He was too quiet. I knew at the bottom of my gut that he would never feel the same, only say whatever he could to make me believe he did. And I’d convinced myself that despite it, my adoration for a guy who shows no effort would be able to change him. If not change him, then at least be the one to open him up after being closed off for years. And I also new it was unrealistic but I told myself that anything is possible.

And when he broke my heart for the first time as I crouched to the cold pavement sidewalk outside his house, he was just as clueless to how it pained me to watch him kiss my best friend and pretend it meant nothing as he was to my long term affection for him. It was inexplicable the way I cared for him, the way I worried for him, to this day, I can’t think of a real reason why I felt so inclined to pursue him. So finally, finally, after 2 years, I managed to capture his attention. It ended in a strange amalgamation of emotion, regret, hysteria and general pain and self loathing. Again, my fault. Perhaps if I had decided from a single moment prior to his gaze landing on me— maybe when he took my best friends hand despite her knowing how I felt, maybe when I spoke to him for the first time and he could only manage a single word response, maybe when I realized how unfathomably quiet he was— that I should simply find someone who suited me more, I would have avoided the searing pain I felt when it ended.

It began with a simple word at his game. It began with a simple “You did well,” on my part and a “No. That wasn’t good.” On his. The “it” that began having been the messages and the interchanged photos on a daily basis. With a person like him, it really couldn’t have gotten much better at the time. In the position we were in, where the most contact we made was with our eyes in the crowded halls filled with overgrown teenagers, neither of us had any obligation or expectation to hold each other to. I had no real need to be loyal in the way I was to him Regardless of that fact, I progressed things.

Though he never denied me, he could never reciprocate my initiative. After our last school year together, after countless small conversations, countless mutual photos, he finally acted. For the first time, and really the last, he approached me in the stairwell at the very last second of the last minute of the last hour of the last day I would ever see him in school. It’d been 3 months and 27 days when he finally called my name for the first time and confessed he thought I was “cute”.

The embarrassment was all too real, my cheeks red and my throat unable to produce anything other than a stutter. People passed. Or maybe they didn’t. I really would not have known, considering all I could do was tremble violently and stare into his face— not even his eyes, just his face. And after two and a half years of constant longing, unwilling loyalty and confusion, I had gotten what I wanted. Like an idiot, I wiped my sweaty palms and explained briefly that I’d liked him for a long time.

He knew that already. It was no secret.

Never was.

Another two months of summer vacation suddenly passed in an instant without incident. I wouldn’t see him again in person until the day before the start of classes. I was sick of it at that point. Having agreed to take things slow, I thought that two months was enough time for there to have been some kind of progress. Unfortunately for me, when I suggested slow, I didn’t know how different our definitions of the word “slow” were.

So I waited those two months.

And when I finally spoke to him about how I was done wasting my time, we came to an agreement to start seeing each other. So then I had my first relationship and though late in my life, it was innocent and it was real. All too real. I hadn’t learned my lesson, however. I was fool to think that our first anything, past date, would be arrive quicker. That after all my initiative, all my advances, he would take a hint and talk to me. Or make an advance and prove to me that he actually liked me and not just left it to “I think you’re cute” on that day that began my torture.

He did nothing.

It was me. It was me making advances, it was me proving my affection, it was me the entire time. And because my affection had blinded me, I never took the hint that

he felt exactly the way he said he did.

And nothing more.

I shouldn’t have seen it as “He’s told one person that he likes me and even though never to my face or even over text, it’s okay because he must feel the same way.” And instead, I should have taken it as exactly what he said and nothing more. After all, men tend to be very straightforward and say only what they mean.

So after another 3 months of waiting

And waiting

And waiting

for so much as a single advance, a single sign of affection other than a hug, I realized I had decided long ago that I would quit. It was breaking me down. In a weird way, being with the man I had grown to almost love and never having been told more than twice that I was attractive over the course of a year by him, any semblance of confidence I had, had vanished as if it never existed. I didn’t realize that fact until i formally decided to end things. Honestly, I hadn’t realized a lot of things. I didn’t realize how he didn’t initiate simply because he didn’t want to, not because he was so nervous. I hadn’t realized that he didn’t feel the profound emotions I did for him. I didn’t realize how my self worth had diminished just because of some guy. Not the hottest man. Not the smartest. Not the most talented. And certainly not the most worthy.

All for the foolish excuse of liking him.

Maybe I more than just liked him. I would come to that gut wrenching conclusion when after our last call, I found myself rolling, not metaphorically, on the floor in agony. Pain. Disbelief. And an unrivaled sense of disappointment. The weeks, or months, leading up to our last phone call, were some of my worst. For hours on end I would sob at the mere idea of leaving the man I liked so deeply for so many years. The one who had me wrapped around his finger without having done anything. It didn’t end at my break down when I ended things in that last phone call. For the next two months I would fall into a fluctuating depression unlike anything I’d felt in years. Hopelessness.

I hoped for any escape, searched for any means— any means— to distract myself and drown the voices in my head until I forgot all about him. All about the pain he caused me for a year.

Nothing would work.

Nothing would work because ultimately it was my own doing that broke my heart and I was the one to end things with him after a year of being so damn patient for him. I broke my heart. That’s what I would tell myself because I hated to have hurt him and myself only to blame it on him. But in reality, I knew in the back of my mind that despite every effort I put in, it never would have been enough. Because he was the one to not like me enough. He was the one who was unable to reciprocate. And he broke my heart so many times over the course of a year. He broke my heart when he’d only ever spoken my name one time. He broken my heart when he never truly confessed to liking me. He’d broken my heart when he ignored every opportunity I’d offered to him to progress things.

More effort on my part.

And he broke my heart when he gave back none.

He broken my heart when after I’d poured every one of my pathetic emotions into a wine glass and served it to him on a silver platter, an obvious plea for him to fight for us, all he felt like saying and everything that he thought our year together was worth was

“oh.. okay. I’m sorry.”

And a whole lot of fucking silence.

So I hung up. And then I cried like a child who’d been spanked. And then I didn’t leave my room for three hours. And then for so many weeks, the thought of him sent a painful spark to my gut. Not the tingly kind. Not the kind that makes you twirl your hair. The kind that makes you want to run to the bathroom and lean over the sink, trying to grasp at any semblance of collectedness. If I thought thinking about him was painful, I had another thing coming for me when I saw him in person again.

The feeling of his hands and his warmth and every touch he gave me haunted me like a fucking wraith. Every muscle in his body was a vivid reminder of what I’d lost. What I didn’t have to have lost, but what I needed to have lost in order to keep my sanity. For my own good.

Every look, every thing he did was enough to make my head ache. Maybe it was the attachment issues. Or maybe it was the dire need for a distraction. Or maybe it was the hormones.

Or maybe I was just a terrible person.

One way or another, the Saturday prior to our end, I’d attended a trip for my music class. It was fun. Unfortunately for me, all I could think about was the fact that I needed to break up with the man I practically had fallen in love with. Our lead instrument player, a good friend of mine, had accompanied me there. Being that we hadn’t talked in a while, we spoke for hours on the trip.

He’d revealed that for months he was planning to break up with his girlfriend of one year. A younger girl with immaturity issues and a real knack for pettiness and making her lover feel like dog shit. I always worried for him. It was clear to tell when he was upset. It was clear when it was bothering him, she was the only thing that really bothered to the point that he would go silent. She was the type of girl that would hurt your best friend and the type that you would hate for it. But they somehow manage to keep your angel of a friend wrapped around their finger. And I hated to hear all the crap she’d pulled with him.

Our situations were identical.

Other than some differences here and there, I’d never met someone I could relate to so profoundly. It being that he was not, in fact, my ex and he was able to progress things with his girlfriend, he’d long since passed falling in love with her. And it was clear that the day prior to my own breakup, when he had ended things with her, it killed him.

So we talked. And talked. And talked more and more.

And I got attached much too quickly. It’s entirely possible that we were just rebounds to each other, but he made me feel understood, safe, supported and comfortable like I’d never felt with anyone in my life. And he managed it in a matter of weeks. When our sport season started, him as a player and me as the manager, things were bettering. Though he’d been previously psychologically improving in his situation while my feelings about mine remained at a standstill, his feelings began to worsen. He wouldn’t respond at times, he would talk slow and quietly. We had gotten so very close and spent so much time together and it hurt to see him so destroyed. I’d truly believed he was getting better. And I’m sure he was. He liked to give me the credit for that. And I’d give him the credit for my improvement.

Again, my constant of a shit mood remained for a long, long, long time. But his worsened again. And during the first tournament of the season, when my advanced athlete ex was playing, I had to watch. Manager things. And it hurt like no other. As the tournament went on, I felt my mood worsening and since my “rebound” was trying to cope with the idea of his ex girlfriend coming to visit and watch him play, he wasn’t speaking to me much. I didn’t realize when she arrived, otherwise i would have tried to stop him from walking up to her in that attractive damn walk he does. I would have stopped him from talking to her. Or done my very best to.

But by the time the break in between games arrived and quickly passed, it was time for the surprise of my life. The surprise of finding out that he lied to me. Holding her hand.

I get it. I did. I still do.

Love is an emotion powerful enough to make one do some crazy shit. But after having started things between us, gotten me wrapped around his finger and promised me he wouldn’t take back his ex given the chance, I almost cried when I saw him holding hands with her. The break was over and instead of being there for me, like I’d been there for him, through those forty minutes when I was having multiple panic attacks and trying to cope with the memories that plagued me when I looked at my ex, he spent those forty minutes attached to the woman that treated him like crap and forgot I existed. Instead of reciprocating in the same way I’d been there for him and done my very best to help him move on, even if just a little bit, he punched me in the gut. He’d lied to me, used me and baited me into thinking he would give us a try.

He used my comfort to help him feel better, pretended like I never existed when I needed him most and shit on every feeling I’d developed for him by doing exactly what he said he wouldn’t.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

To put it blatantly, my heart broke again.

It was my fault. I was the one to get attached. He never liked me in the same way. I couldn’t believe it. I simply could not believe what my eyes were conveying to my brain.

I hoped to everything above that he felt guilty. That he ripped at least one hair out when he turned around, walking down that hallway to the last game of the tournament, holding her hand, and met my eyes for the first time since we arrived. I hoped so dearly that he felt like shit. The memories of those nights of being so close to him, feeling his touch as a coping mechanism, listening to him play his instruments so intoxicatingly, hearing his voice and relying on his comfort crashed into my brain all at once. And utter grief, from not only my ex but him as well now, smacked me in the face like a cruel joke. He had to be joking.

So when we arrived to the last game and we made eye contact, he told me,

“I’ll give her one more chance.”

And that was it.

And my grief had turned into gut wrenching dread every time I looked at him. Knowing he had abandoned me. Knowing he did so without remorse. Knowing he would never feel bad about it.

And knowing I would never be able to beat her.

Everything he made me feel in a month that my ex could not in one year tripped me and forced me into the nearest bathroom to rip my hair out.

Sadness quickly turned to anger.

Every day talks turned into silence. And comfort and nights of warm conversations and flirty glances turned into a deep hole I wouldn’t dig myself out of for a long, long time. And though my ex may have pushed me to hang onto the edge of the cliff, the liar was the one to grab my hands, pretend like he would lift me and then turn around and drop me for the girl he swore he wouldn’t return to. Resort to. My ex pointed the gun, I pulled the trigger and the liar was the one to pick it up and fire it at me himself again.

I simply couldn’t believe it.

The wound his absence left was fresh. And stung with my every memory of him. I so badly wanted to quit our sport and instrument so I would never have to see him again.

How is it possible that I managed to stop myself from telling him to fuck off when he used his shitass “one more chance” explanation on me? It was because he was so kind. And I could never say something so heartless to the man that made me forget. To the man that did nothing but fall in love.

And really, the whole thing was my fault.

[hexen-cosplay]

Health Problems & Cosplay

I mentioned in a previous post that I am a cosplayer with health conditions, and in this post I’m going to talk about them a little bit! Now, you may have noticed that I said ‘them’, and that’s because I have collected quite a few of them over the years and here they are:

🖤 TYPE 1 DIABETES 🖤

The pancreas stops producing the hormone insulin, and as such to keep blood glucose levels from rising and causing a fatal complication known as Diabetic Ketoacidosis, T1 Diabetics must take insulin every single day to stay alive. 

🖤 GASTROPARESIS 🖤

Gastro = “stomach”. Paresis = “partial paralysis”.

The basics of this disease, is that food does not pass through my stomach at the speed it should. It goes a lot slower, and this causes a multitude of often debilitating symptoms, including: intense bloating, not being able to eat enough food resulting in deficiencies and malnutrition, extreme stomach pain, constant nausea, vomiting a lot (sometimes undigested food), constipation/diarrhoea, reflux, and more. 

🖤 SINUS TACHYCARDIA/POTS 🖤

Sinus tachycardia is a regular cardiac rhythm in which the heart beats faster than normal. The PoTS is suspected due to experiencing black outs (which once resulted in two broken ribs), extreme dizziness, blurred vision, chest pain, shortness of breath and changes in blood pressure. 

🖤 AUTONOMIC NEUROPATHY 🖤

Autonomic neuropathy occurs when there is damage to the nerves that control automatic body functions - the things we don’t think about every day, that happen automatically. It can affect blood pressure, temperature control, digestion, bladder function and even sexual function.

🖤 PROLIFERATIVE DIABETIC RETINOPATHY & MACULAR OEDEMA 🖤

This is the last and most serious stage of Diabetic Retinopathy. In the first two stages, the changes are reversible. In stage 3 new blood vessels and scar tissue have formed on your retina, which can cause significant bleeding (you can see the bleeds in your vision, which is distressing and causes impairment), and lead to retinal detachment, where the retina pulls away from the back of the eye. At this stage, there's a very high risk of blindness.

HEALTH PROBLEMS & COSPLAY

As you may have guessed, this is a lot! It’s a lot to deal with, I’m in pain all the time, and it makes me quite grumpy sometimes too. 

My ongoing health struggles did play a part in the break I took from cosplaying, but that break turned into almost 9 years. It wound up that way because I convinced myself that I had to wait until I felt better to start again so that I could wholly dedicate myself to it. That was not a good mindset for me because I was still dealing with some denial over my health, despite knowing deep down that I would never "get better" in the way that I wanted to. My conditions are chronic. They're never going away.

I've come a long way in the 8 and a bit years since my last cosplay, though, and I'm not in denial anymore about my wellness. I take my medications, and I go to check-ups; I do the things that I need to do to make my life easier and ultimately, keep me alive. I know that sounds like a bare minimum, but it's not always that easy when your head is in a gnarly space, like mine was.

Alongside the.. peronal overhaul, I've employed a lot of new strategies in my day-to-day life that allow me to be myself and do the thing that I love, because I really do love cosplaying! By pacing myself, resting when I need to and not telling myself that needing it is failing, I'm kinder to myself - this kindness in place of self-deprecation for not being fast enough or as quick as another cosplayer has been the biggest turning point. I stopped comparing myself to people that didn't have to face what I do; I took a step back and took time to come to terms with the fact that I am different, and as such, I need to look at and do things differently, to suit my lifestyle and the things I have to content with. That took a lot of courage to do, despite it being a very introspective process, because facing yourself like that is hard. In my own mind, my differences made me lesser for many years, and it took actively challenging that perception within myself to realise that I was making my life harder, and denying myself happiness and fulfilment because of it.

Nowadays, I congratulate myself on progress because I am worth praise and worth happiness; I no longer view asking for help as a weakness or a failure, and I don't compare my progress to that of others. I acknowledge and accept that my conditions and disability exist, do not make me lesser, and require alternative means of doing things. Needing these accommodations and adaptations doesn't make me less as a person, or less worthy of love, happiness, praise and fulfilment than anyone else, not only in cosplay but life in general.

PATREON | TIKTOK | DEVIANTART | INSTAGRAM | REDDIT | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | YOUTUBE | TWITCH

#cosplay #cosplayer #disabled cosplayer #hexen cosplay #diabetes #t1d #type 1 diabetes #t1 diabetes #chronic health problems #chronic health conditions #gastroparesis

[freedpheonix]

Back to the Beginning

It was September. I was 19 and fresh out of a serious on-again-off-again 4 year relationship. I was devastated, we had a child together and we were really young and he had left me for someone else. I was vulnerable and lonely and just wanted to be loved. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I should have taken time for myself, to live and grow on my own... But again, I was young and dumb and had no clue what I was getting myself into.

I started texting a kid that was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade... He used to chase me and other girls around the playground and one day I had a shirt on that said, "BOYS ARE LIARS," and he said, "That's right, I'm breaking up with you." LOL. We were 10, it was nothing serious but definitely something to laugh about 9 years later. I had my own apartment, he still lived with his father. One of the first things he said was, "I love a woman that already has her own place." .... Like duh. That was my first red flag. Weird thing to say....

He ended up coming over to visit after work. I had 3 other friends over and he wanted me to walk him to the door alone but I was nervous. Something in my gut was telling me something wasn't right. The second he walked in the door he was already mad because I took "too long" coming downstairs. Anyway, I had one of my friends come with me and he got mad at her and made a mean comment about her following me like a puppy and said I didn't need a babysitter. She ended up leaving us alone and my brain was just screaming at me that he was bad. I wasn't comfortable, I genuinely felt like I was in danger. But I ignored it because, other than his weird anger that barely surfaced, I didn't see why I felt that way. He kissed me goodnight and left. From then on, he came back almost every night and eventually ended up just staying with me all the time. My 2 year old daughter was iffy with him. At first she didn't like him... I should have paid attention to that, kids and animals are the best judges of character... but she warmed up to him quickly.

When he was staying with me, he was telling his father that he was at his mother's and asking his mother to lie for him, which was weird but he had me convinced his dad was overbearing and wanted to control everything he did, so I let that go....

A few weeks later, he was going through an old laptop case that he had filled with several ounces of weed... He told me he sold weed and a lot of it. Honestly, I thought he was just trying to sound "cool" to me and didn't really believe him. I just thought he was a pothead... He told me he was going out hunting and would be back in a few hours. Later that night, I got a call from a friend that said he drove by him and he was being arrested.. He got caught selling weed. I had no idea how to handle that, I'd never been around all of that before.. I had smoked with my friends but never seen that much weed or been around criminals.. Everything in me knew he was bad news... and I STILL STUPIDLY ignored all the alarms... because I just wanted to be loved. His parents posted his bail and his mom made him stay with her instead of staying with me to make sure he stayed out of trouble. When he finally came to spend the night a few nights later, I had another red flag... He kept me up all night tossing and turning because he was sweating and in pain because he had missed his dose and was in withdrawal. At this point he had switched from Suboxone to Methadone because he said the 32mg of Sub he was on didn't make his cravings go away.. I thought I could change him and help him get better. I'm an empath and thought I could heal him... There were so many bad signs but his narcissistic claws had made their way through my skin and it was getting to be too late for me to back out. He was so good at manipulating and making me think there wasn't a problem and I was just silly for thinking so.

As I'm going back and reading this, I feel like an absolute idiot. I had so many chances to see how genuinely bad this guy was and I swept it under the rug. I could analyze myself and explain my childhood trauma but that's not what this story is about. It's about what I went though and how I got out. And I hope this story happens upon someone else who's going through it so they know YOU CAN GET OUT. IT DOES GET BETTER. ❤️

Stay tuned for the next chapter... ❤️

#narcisstic personality disorder #abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #substance abuse #you can do hard things

[danpuff-ao3]

The Making of: Sin Again

Sin Again: written and posted in July 2019.

It's not the most exciting of stories, but it is the most important on my writing journey.

In 2019, it had been 3 years since I last wrote fanfiction. And those had been Marvel fics. My last time actively writing in the Harry Potter fandom was 2012.

The Snarry bug had struck. I felt the urge to write as I hadn't in so long. There was a scene in my head, so clear, and so exciting! But where to put it?

In ye olden days, I would build entire stories around a scene. Everything I wrote had to be big and grand.

But why?

I was home alone that day. My partner was at work. My laptop was open and I was pacing the floor. My mind was spinning in circles, trying to craft a whole complex plot for the sake of one scene.

So why not write...just that? Just that one scene?

Was that even allowed????

(If you know me, you know the standards I have for myself are Actually Insane.)

I can't tell you how long it took to bring me there. Or why it was so hard. After all, I'd written a few Marvel one shots. What was it about the HP fandom, or Snarry in particular, that felt like it needed to be more?

Maybe it was the scene itself, so in the middle of matters.

I don't know. All I do know is the sense of burden I felt. The panic. The desperation. And how I argued with myself. How I agonized in convincing myself to write that scene, just that scene. To write only what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it.

Sin Again is 705 words. It takes place shortly after Harry and Severus' first time together. There's no explanation to the first time. There's no real plot. The smut isn't overly detailed. It's not especially kinky.

There's nothing grand or important about it. It's hardly my best writing, either, seeing how much improvement I've seen the past three years.

Still, I'm proud of it. It's exactly what I envisioned. It's exactly what made me want to write again. And in tearing down my expectations, and allowing myself to follow my whims, I felt such freedom.

It was a revelation. My writing didn't have to be anything. It could just be fun. It could be however much or however little I desired. And for a gal constantly buried beneath a pile of ideas, this was especially thrilling. How much more could I explore by writing many of my very specific ideas?

Since then, I've written a lot. My AO3 account has 78 Harry Potter fanfics! All but 1 written in these past 3 years. (You & Me was written after Alan Rickman's death, in the middle of my Marvel obsession.) My writing has grown. I've explored so many ideas. Such specific ideas! I gave myself freedom, and I made the most of it.

Nowadays, I feel weighed down my own mind again. I've never been a person who balances well. I'm a lady of extremes, I'm afraid! I have work to do in setting aside my burdens, and unshackling myself from my expectations. And looking back at this story is a good reminder that...I'm allowed to write whatever I want. It can be anything. It doesn't have to tick boxes. It doesn't have to be better than the last work. It doesn't have to have plot. It doesn't have to be special. It doesn't have to perfect. It can just be.

#writing #meta #the making of #sin again

[ignitesthestxrs]

hi! absolutely no pressure to answer if you don’t feel like it, but I’m just starting on adhd meds and trying to track the changes and trying to figure out if these particular meds are working well for me etc. so I’ve been asking around for other people’s experiences, and I was curious how long it took until you noticed a marked difference? again no worries if you don’t feel like responding! anyway I also just wanted to say that your posts about seeking a diagnosis and getting on medication were among one of the first factors that finally convinced me to try to do it too. so thank you 💜💜

<3 <3 i'm really glad you were about to get a diagnosis and start figuring shit out bud, that's really good! i am happy to further share my experience, do not Worry.

since my diagnosis i have been on 2 kinds of meds - my psych wanted to start me out on non-stimulants because of my anxiety diagnosis which seemed reasonable to me lol.

so i started on atomoxetine, which typically has a bit of a ramp up period (classic of most SNRIs, which can take up to 6-8 weeks to work). however, i am: extremely overreactive when taking any new substance, something that happens any time i take something that's supposed to change my behaviour in some way, and which i have absolutely no idea whether it's a physiological effect, or if i'm just really good at placeboing myself

(is it placebo if you're taking something that is actually supposed to have an effect, just not immediately??)

either way! i got a pretty immediate jump from starting the atomoxetine, which could be due to the drug, but could also be due to the boost of like, successfully Doing Something About Your Symptoms. All this to say: i would not read too much into your behaviour in the immediate wake of starting a new drug, just because it can be really hard to pick out what is the drug, and what is you feeling excited/nervous/productive because you are Finally Taking Action and Might Have A Fix For The Weird Stone You Have Realised Has Been Tied Around Your Ankle Your Whole Life

LONG TERM - my experience with atomoxetine was that it Helped. the overall behaviour effects were:

started noticing tasks that required doing more often. things that usually i wouldn't notice/care/bother with for days to weeks now started popping up in my attention bubble within hours/days instead

extremely minor things that used to feel like Too Much i started to do without second thought. one of the extreme examples of this - i used to drop things a lot? and when i dropped them, i would just kind of leave them where they fell? because the idea of having to pick up the thing and figure out what to do with it now that it was a thing that had touched the floor was overwhelming. post medication, not only was that no longer overwhelming, i didn't even think about it lol. i just fucking picked the thing up and put it where it needed to be

look i didn't become a GREAT housekeeper, but i certainly got better. this was also paired with behaviour/purchasing changes i made - i have all my clothes in clear drawers or hangers, i have the drawers positioned in the place where i have to move the least to get to them, i have configured my room in a way that makes it easier to move around, i purchased multiple bins so that i could have them in multiple locations because i realised i was more likely to use one if it was There than i was to move to the Single Bin Location. i have made a lot of these changes over the house in general, which is probably a whole separate post lol

time? changed? this one is extremely difficult to explain to neurotypicals, but was the most significant shift in being medicated for me (other than not staring at things i dropped and then just walking away lmao). but i didn't realised HOW FUCKED UP TIME WAS until it wasn't anymore. like it used to be that i would feel that i could Only Do One Task on a WHOLE WEEKEND and that could be task (housework) or task (leisure). this would be something that would take like, 1,2, maybe 3 hours and then i would be like that's IT that's the WHOLE WEEKEND i cannot do ANY OTHER THING except LIE HERE AND PLAY GAMES TO SOOTH THE BRAIN HAMSTER WHEEL. same thing with after work time. like a) work was exhausting me in general for adhd reasons lol but b) i would finish work and think 'wow i have no time to do anything now, guess i'll just die (lie here and play games)'.

reader, i finished work at 4pm and went to sleep at 11pm, i had SO MUCH TIME (sorry this is not a new point but i can't figure out how to insert a paragraph break and indent it so here we are). pre-medication, my experience of time was entirely task and boredom based. if i hated something, a minute could be an hour. it dripped. it stretched. it warped. it physically hurt. and then other times if i was involved in a task, time would zip by. where had it gone. where had i gone. being medicated took all those hills and valleys and just smoothed them out. i don't have the time agonies anymore. the last 15 minutes of the work day still drag a bit, but i don't physically want to shove my head in a bucket of water and sscream about it anymore. i can organise multiple schedules and events and tasks over a weekend or in the evening or across the week without feeling like i've used up a finite Allotment Of Tasks. like this was the real reality-changing effect for me. my whole perception of how much space my life contained for things other than 'recovering from a Task' changed dramatically. it changed my relationship with tasks, hobbies, friendships, all of it.

my emotional state flattened out a lot. this is a significant effect of the atomoxetine actually, because (spoilers) this is NOT an effect provided by rubifen (ritalin) which is what i am now on. i consider this to be a kind of 50/50 effect that upon comparison, i didn't really love. i am? kind of an emotionally...large person as a general rule, and while that comes with a lot of shitty lows and impulse control issues, it also comes with an intensity of experience that is like,,,,good. i like it. i am not talking about bipolar or other diagnosable behaviour in my particular situation and definitely would not make the comparison lol. but while i did find that being on atomoxetine probably made me more level headed and less inclined to embarrass myself, i also felt Less Like Me. like i think the year i was on this drug was a good cool down/rebuild period of my life that i probably needed after 2020/early 2021, but idk, i like the exciteable dumbass side of myself, you know? that's something i would rather temper with Mental Health Tools and idk mindfulness than with medication. this was similar to my experience with citalopram (for depression) when i was younger, actually. i just don't enjoy being Flat, i find it boring and uninteresting and i think it makes me boring and uninteresting. which again is fine for a recovery year, but not as an overall lifestyle choice

i got hella nauseous. which i something i didn't pick up on until after i stopped taking it actually, i just thought it was because i was fat and ate Bad Food, except i stopped taking it and the nausea went away. this more than anything is why i wouldn't go Back to atomoxetine - i didn't realise how fucking draining it was to feel vaguely fuckin ill all the time until i didn't feel that way anymore

SO IF ATOMOXETINE WAS SO GREAT (MOSTLY) WHY DID I CHANGE?

the initial Burst of change leveled out after a few months and as i got used to my new base level i felt...discontent? it was like i had tasted Normal for the first time, but i still had to work really hard every day to get back to that point? i had this booster on board and it was Better, but it was like i'd been given an extra 20% capacity from a starting point of 20% capacity. like sure, i was firing at 40% now, which was DOUBLE of previous and unarguably a better experience for me overall, but i couldn't help but be aware that it wasn't 100%, or even 50%, of the experience a Standard Neurotypical was pulling on the daily. basically, the drug was good, but i wanted to know if i could Have More. and also my anxiety is under control via another drug, and i felt pretty confident after a year of getting my legs back under me and rebuilding my brain that i could weather the stimulant weirdness in the name of Is There Something More? and also there were atomoxetine shortages all the fucking time that meant they were switching between brands every month or two, and i KNOW that generic and brand names are supposed to be the same, but explain that to my fucking stomach every time i had to switch back and forth. like it was just prescribed surprised misery for a few days at random depending on when the shortages happened and i didn't want it anymore

so i started rubifen, which is basically ritalin, unless you were on ritalin before the NZ govt made the change to what they were subsidising, in which case most people would argue they are not the fucking same (for whatever reason! psychosomatic side effects are still experienced as though they are Real by the patient!). rubifen is a stimulant, science name methylphenidate, and ngl a part of my impetus for going on it was that i was in the 'wow i'm dangerously fat for my health' phase of my journey and wanted to see if taking the speed-lite would help curb my appetite (kind of, but only in the sense that it helped curb my impulse control).

the difference between taking a stimulant and taking an SNRI is that the stimulant Hits U Fast. That shit gets in you and then gets out of you. I take slow-release tablets, so the effect lasts for around 8 hours (eg enough to get me through the work day), so that is the context for what i'm talking about now. so rather than a slow building consistent effect that sustains itself across days, a stimulant is applying an effect for a set period of time and then wearing off.

a lot of the effects were the same as what i listed for the atomoxetine, just better! the Time Thing really fucking improved, like....my work day is just a normal day. it doesn't feel like an ice age, and the week doesn't feel like the slow inevitable crawl towards death!

my focus really improved a lot. and when i say improved, i mean that my control over that focus improved? like i can Choose 'engage focus now' and that like, works. pre-diagnosis, i had gotten to a point where i could only work on a task at work for like, 2 minutes (literally. 2 minutes) at a time before i had to look at something else for like, 10 minutes. i came so close to losing my job lmfao. i'm much better at knuckling down and getting shit down now

my emotional regulation is not as strong as it was on the atomoxetine. as stated above, this is a mixed back. emotional disregulation is not like All Fun All The Time, but it does feel like a fundamental part of Me. do i wish that rejection didn't feel so much like getting punched in the face, and that i was less inclined to jump to start talking extremely knowledgably about something i learnt 5 minutes ago? yes very. but also, idk, all of that is survivable. i have therapy tools and shit to deal with a lot of the intense lows of that experience, and they're still not as intense as they were when i was on no medication at all.

i interrupt people less (than pre-diagnosis) but am more aware of holding myself back while on the stimulants than on the atomoxetine. the difference between interrupting, not having anything to say at all, and having something to say and getting to smugly sit there @ yourself like good job Han for not interrupting.

the effects still...build in a way, even though i can tell the difference between days i take rubifen and days i don't (i often forget or don't bother in the weekend, for tolerance reasons and lazy reasons). because being on the medication allows me to change my behaviour while i'm on it, the change in behaviour carries momentum even if i'm not taking the drug Right Now. so like, i'll still do things in the evening even if the actual physical effects of focus assistance etc have worn off by about 3-4pm, because a) i'm not fucking exhausted from fighting my brain all day and b) i have new habits that have been formed under the influence of the meds, right? and those patterns are much easier to continue following even if you don't have the medication impetus driving you, once they've been set up. like it's not just the medication that helps you, it's the architecture of your life that you are then able to construct as a result of being medicated that helps carry you through.

oh another really notable side effect of both drugs is that it used to be SO HARD to get up. S O HA RD. as in, i would lie in bed for hours arguing with myself about getting up and simply not do it. for hours. and i wouldnt do anythying else either! it was the worst kind of paralysis. i just couldn't make myself move until the overwhelming guilt of Wasting Time would finally prompt me into action. i don't do this anymore! it's fucking wonderful!

stimulants don't affect people with adhd in the same way they do neurotypicals! like neurotypicals often describe hyper-focus and getting into a Flow State, and every adhd person i've ever spoken to has been like no these are the drugs that make me feel Normal. obviously all of this is anecdote! but anecdotally, the experience tends to be less about 'i take the medication, i become Superhuman' and more about that shift that i mentioned earlier between 'i used to drop things on the ground, stare at them, and walk away' and 'when i drop things now, i pick them up without evening noticing'. the effect of medication is not like being hit over the head with a different, more capable personality, it's just that connections that are everyday, kind of thoughtless things in a neurotypical person have always been things that you have had to Consciously Put Effort Into before, and now you don't. And it's hard to notice things that you are suddenly doing unconsciously! Because you're not thinking about them, that is the point! it's a really weird experience, to be changed so thoroughly, in ways that are completely out of your control (beyond taking the meds), but largely benign.

having also been on meds for anxiety for a long time, i find the comparison between the two experiences really interesting. like for me, my anxiety meds feel like medical therapy. like they are taking care of stuff that i do think a good cognitive behavioural therapist and weekly sessions could ALSO help a lot with, but who has the money or the time in this era. anxiety for me feels like a scale, and my medication for it just sets my baseline higher on that scale than it ordinarily would be

adhd on the other hand is an on/off button. there are effects that adhd has on my life and experience that no therapy could fix more me. therapy can't fix my experience of time,,, it can't fix the three hour argument with myself on the weekend about getting up, it can't fix the like,,,mechanical, thoughtless, body-driven experience of my adhd. but medication can! being on meds changed so much about my life experience that i didn't know was possible to switch on or off, and i would not have access to those buttons without the meds.

i hope? this was useful? it was certainly long enough (per usual). if you have other questions or wanna know more about Specific Thing, u (or anyone) can always feel free to hit me up <3 wishing u the best on you ur journey with this shit anon!!

#adhd #medication

[sensazioneultra]

you know every time i've been in a really dark place in the last 2 or 3 years the thing that's made the difference has been love. other people's love towards me and my own self love. first one is hard to recognize and accept but i've been slowly getting better at it (still lots of work to do tho!). the second one is... sigh. really hard to let myself have. a whole life, even if that's merely 26 years old, of self loathing is soooo difficult to reshape into a warm hug, you know? every few months i realize i haven't been treating myself well and i have to force myself to refocus on self love and kindness. it just doesn't come natural to me. my first instinct is always to blame, punish, hate myself. and i'm unfortunately, to this day, deeply convinced i deserve that instead of compassion, a helping hand and kindness. god. the way i'm so uncomfortable with kindness towards me. especially!!!!! coming from myself. i will always try to be kind to others, i firmly believe most people deserve it. but i am not one of them.

but like i'm trying and one day i'll succeed. one day i'll look at myself, or think of myself, and be like 'you're actually pretty cool and deserving of love, my guy'. i really want to. i think for now one step i wanna try taking is to shorten the time period between one Fuck I Need To Let Myself Be Loved and the next, and therefore the intense self loathing period. it's kinda hard to identify when it starts usually tho. not this time but that's bc it was pretty much forced by the arrival of intense physical pain which i do remember the start of. so it was different. and i was literally Just out of my previous Huge Self Loathing Time Period and just a generally really awful mental health time last year. but can't for the life of me pinpoint when that one started ?? i have such shitty memory and no emotional permanence which is actually sooooo bad for me. but i guess it's part of bpd. maybe ?

anyway i'm rambling but point is. i gotta try. and i also recognize that up until not that many years ago Nothing could get me out of intense self loathing and resulting punishing (and self harm, under many different forms and disguises). like it took so many years of therapy, countless tries at medication and just a whole lotta suffering to get to the point of even being able to snap out of it by myself (as in, i can recognize i need to stir my life and mindset in a different direction, but it's usually some external force that makes me go Oh. This Needs To Change. which is not bad btw i think. it's good to have other people who can help you realize patterns and things you need to change, be it voluntarily or not even consciously. the shift is just in my mind, no one is actively trying to cause it tho)

one day i hope to get to a point where i realize i need to refocus on treating myself well and it's for the last time. and from then on i will just be kind to myself and show compassion to my mind and body and heart. i mean it's okay if there's gonna be relapses even at that point. but i do hope to get to that point. when i won't have to do this every 5 months, over and over and over. bc i'm not gonna lie it's pretty exhausting! but we'll see. if i can never reach enough self love and peace of mind for that to happen, i guess i'll just have to live with that, you know? but i don't wanna exclude that it could happen. hope won't hurt. i think. there's little point in being like "i will never get better" even if i think/say it of just one aspect of my disorder. i might get better. so i'll keep trying.

already been struggling with feeling like my back pain will never get better, i had a huge breakdown over it today, and if i'm being honest it's been going on all week, it just exploded today. but to circle back to the beginning of this post, it was love that made me realize i shouldn't lose hope and i shouldn't keep punishing myself and ignoring my needs. i mean love in a broad sense btw. i mean people caring about me. i mean a simple how are you?, i mean a 'here's some chocolate for you' after i cried, i mean a pat on the back (even if ouch!), i mean... just selflessly showing interest in my well being. and gentle reminders that i need to take care or myself. that's love to me, and that's the form of love i need the most, at least right now.

so. yeah. don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's okay if it doesn't, i needed to write it for me.

but even so, if you've cared about me at any point in time, well... thank you, i appreciate it and know it has helped!

#i honestly shouldn't be using my phone rn my back/shoulder/arm hurt like a bitcy #bitch* but. i kinda really needed to write all of this down #again for me. it usually helps me to write stuff down (i should keep a diary again i always think it but i should for real) #now tho resting my poor body #ilyall 💙💙 #nico.txt #is this like super long i have no idea #hope it doesn't bother anyone's dashes

[draftmare]

3.01.23

Okay, sooooo saddle drama.

Remember that saddle that I made the post on about saying, hey, look at the flocking of this saddle? This is why we don’t store our saddles on saddle racks? Well, it got way worse than just the flocking being f-ed. The tree was also broken. Well, the head plate was. Thankfully in a super obvious way that I was able to catch just by flipping the saddle over and looking at it. I was already feeling a little sus-y of the saddle because it was being a little too flexible when I pulled it out of the box and did my usual check over. So, here is a friendly reminder that when you get your saddle out of the box, flex the tree. Listen for any weird creaks, squeaks, or if the tree is moving more than you think it should. If you aren’t sure how to flex a tree for soundness, there are tons of resources online on how to check. That said, sometimes the only way to find cracks, loose stitching, or broken screws is to have your saddle fitter take the panels off, but this is generally a good place to start.

Broken head plate:

That saddle went back into the box and back from whence it came. Except the place I got it from opened a PayPal dispute against me. I usually rant and rave against PayPal because they are a bunch of rotten bastards out to steal your money, but this one time they did the right thing and everything settled in my favor, it was just a hassle, and it took way longer than it should have for me to get my money back.

A couple of weeks ago I had her measured/traced for a WOW saddle, and she very clearly was meant for their hoop tree plate. I also got to try one of their saddles, but felt very meh about it. Their saddles are modular in that you can swap out different panels, different headplates, different seats, and different flaps, so it could have been just me needing a different combination of seat and flap, but they are also NOT cheap. I have seen a couple come up at tack shops in my price range, but the tack shops generally don’t seem to know what combination of parts they have on the saddle they are selling, so I would need to go directly through a rep, which would be a lot more expensive. Anyway, after that experience I pivoted to looking for just hoop tree saddles for her, which has been a bit of a struggle. You see, not all saddles that look like hoops are truly a hoop tree, which means a lot of asking people for serial numbers, contacting the manufacturer, and then waiting to hear back on if that model/tree is a hoop or not. 

I ended up going for a saddle...that ended up not being what it said it was...which was a bit of an awkward adventure...and unfortunately it is not going to work for us either.  They had the brand wrong, the tree size wrong, and I don’t honestly know if it is a true hoop tree or not, but the company has gone out of business, so no way of checking for sure. The pictures made it look very hoop like, so I broke my rule above of emailing companies serial numbers, because of course I did (rule was broken because this saddle was waaaay under budget).

It looked really promising to start, but once feeling around under it, there was a lot of pressure under the back of the panel, especially on the left side. I hemmed and hawed on if maybe this was something that could be fixed with flocking since the right side felt better, so I decided to completely tack her up with pad and half pad and that made things MUCH worse. Kind of totally took the wind out of my sails. I ended up not riding in this saddle, or even riding at all on this particular night, I was so bummed. For some reason in the 3 days leading up to this saddle arriving I had convinced myself that just getting a hoop tree saddle would magically fit her and fix all of our problems. 

I am starting to feel like maybe the saddle that seems like it shouldn’t fit her, and doesn’t fit me 100% (the County Fusion) is just what we should stick with. She seems fine in it (she’s been gone over with a fine tooth comb lately with her lameness) and it fits me okay-ish. Maybe I should stop trying to fix what isn’t exactly broken? Ugh. 

#equestrian blogging #horse blogging #horsblr