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fuckyeahevanrwood · 6 years

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Evan Rachel Wood Channeled Her Own History of Abuse For the Queer Thriller Allure

Evan Rachel Wood's latest film, Allure, in theaters now, sees the actress painted in a light very unlike anything we've seen from her before. As a solitary housemaid, Laura, she enters into a relationship with, and subsequently kidnaps, her 16-year-old client. A survivor of abuse herself, Laura is a deeply complex woman with a history of severe mental instability who can be decidedly categorized as an antagonistic and deeply unlikable character, yet Wood manages to find a humanity and intense vulnerability in her performance.

The film comes at a highly interesting moment in Hollywood, as stories of abuse within the industry take center stage. To tell a story of abuse from the point of view of the abuser at such a time was a radical move, made more interesting by the choice of casting a woman to play this part, given that it had been initially written for a man. The result is a frightening film that captures the deeply woven mental intricacies and contradictions victims of abuse so often face, and the vicious cycle they often find themselves wrapped up in.

As an outspoken survivor of abuse in her own life, Evan Rachel Wood found herself uniquely qualified to portray the nuance of such a frightening relationship onscreen. But that's not to say the role was a walk in the park. The Emmy-nominated actress explained to us how difficult it was to revisit the anger she'd worked so diligently to overcome in bringing authenticity to this part. That the core relationship of the movie is homosexual is refreshingly inconsequential, and Wood talked to us about her delight that telling queer stories doesn't have to be for queerness' sake anymore.

It's not the only highly demanding role Wood has taken on this year. As the star returns to the wild odyssey of Westworld for a second season, she explained why the new challenges have made season one seem like a breeze. She spills about the crazy shooting schedule, the ambitious time frame they worked in, and the blood, the shotguns, and the horseback riding that so often permeated her workday.

Besides Westworld, we got Wood's thoughts on her new movie in the context of #TimesUp, finding a way to keep such an emotionally charged set feeling safe and consensual, and how she was able to pull off embodying a sociopathic abusive kidnapper with astounding believability.

OUT: What were your first thoughts on the script when you read it? I’m imagining you had a strong reaction, in one way or another.

Evan Rachel Wood: Well, it’s funny, I had just done season one of Westworld and was exhausted. Doing Westworld is one of the most physically and emotionally draining things anyone can ever do. That goes for whether you’re the camera operator or hair and makeup. It’s just a really brutal shoot. It’s amazing. I mean, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want to do another movie. I was like, 'I’m done for the year, I can’t, I have to recuperate.' Then I came across this script, and the writing was really good. It struck me at first because ever since I heard Jodie Foster say that she reads scripts for men and women and, if she really likes them, she just asks if they can gender swap it, I was like, 'Man, I hope I can get to a place in my career where that’s possible,' because that’s a genius idea.

And that seems like a no-brainer now that the film is finished.

Luckily, Jason and Carlos, the directors and writers, had already come to that conclusion about this one. They had tried to make it with a man, and they were like, 'Ah, there’s something about this that is just not popping.' And someone said, 'What if he’s a woman?' And they had the awareness to go, 'Wow, that makes the story—that gives us so much more to play with.' To do it well with two women and have one of them be the abuser was like, 'Whoa, okay, I haven’t seen this story, and I wanna know how this goes and this happens and what the psychology behind this is.' I was really attracted to that because I believe in equal opportunity for women in film—that goes not just for the good guys but for villainous characters, as well. So this was like, 'Ok, I have the opportunity to do that and to play this sort of Taxi Driver-ish character as a woman and see what that’s about.'

It's a really intensely emotionally complex role.

I really appreciated the complexity, because obviously, I have experience in this area, and this was the first time I really read something that captured the psychology of an abusive relationship and the abusive side as well. It’s something that, if you haven’t experienced it, it’s really hard to judge. So when people ask, 'Why didn’t you just leave? Why did you come back?'

If you have been manipulated in that way through your love for somebody, you’re really vulnerable. I thought it was important to show how it’s done, how gaslighting is done, and how emotional blackmail is done. How after a while you can start feeling sorry for your abuser and you don’t know how to leave, so you just try to take care of them and try to stop whatever fiasco is about to happen. Also, the effect of abuse is something I can relate to [with] PTSD. There were things about the character that I knew I could give some understanding to—the torment of herself and feeling like a prisoner of her own trauma. I think you can see her dissociation in the film. Sometimes that’s a trauma response. I think if you look really hard, you can see the moments where she’s not there. She’s physically there, but there’s nothing behind her eyes.

Definitely.

And that’s what abuse looks like. It’s somebody that’s walking around like a normal—relatively normal—person, but if you look a little deeper, they’re not there. They’re a shell of a person. They’ve gone to another realm because they’ve had to. Especially if they’ve been abused themselves. It paints a different picture—a more honest picture—because it’s complicated.

You've struggled with abuse in the past and, as you said, that makes you uniquely qualified for this role. How did you feel when the #MeToo movement was beginning and these stories were coming to light?

Oh man. I wrote this essay about it for Nylon called “What a Time to be Alive,” and it was what I learned in the year since Trump had been elected. But it wasn't even about Trump [or] about how horrible he is—it was about other things. It’s been a real bittersweet moment. It’s been retraumatizing and when it was all happening, we were also working on Westworld and the themes in that are all about overcoming abuse and oppression and finding your power. Season two is really about the reckoning.

Jeez, I can’t wait! Wow.

Knowing that while it was going on was a real 'life imitating art' point in my life. Luckily, I’ve been doing work every single day in my life to become a whole person and I've read every self-help book I could. I tried to learn about abuse and learn about trauma and the more I can learn about it, the more I can understand it. The more I can let it go because otherwise it’s just crazy, and you don’t know what you’re feeling and no one really tells you. I’ve felt strong enough to do these roles because I knew it and understood it, but I also knew I could go there and be able to get myself back out.

It must have been such a powerful feeling to be in a place to do this role.

Yeah, and when the #MeToo movement happened, people were like, 'How you doin’ man?' I was like, 'You know what? I’m proud of myself because I’m very shaky and I’m very triggered, but I’m not hopeless and I’m not in despair.' That was new for me. It was new to be like, 'You know what? I’m feeling these things, but it doesn’t feel as dark or as scary or like I’m free falling.' That was empowering and to know that you’re not the only one just made me sob.

This is a female-led story, and it’s directed by men, but it really is a story that takes the female perspective. It’s so interesting because she’s not a very… She’s a bad person, really, at least to an extent.

She’s broken.

She’s broken. And I wonder how the LGBTQ angle fit into this?

When you think about Laura, you know that she’s been struggling with shame and identity and repression her entire life because she had been dealing with that sort of thing that she didn’t really know how to deal with. Trying to stifle that or whatever, but I also appreciated her being... whatever she is. I don’t even know if she’s gay, you know? That was never the culprit. It was never, 'Oh, well she’s abused and now she’s gay,' or 'oh, she’s gay, now she’s abusing.' It was just two women.

Yeah, it’s past that.

Yeah, we’re past that. Exactly. That’s not what it’s about. And let’s shatter those conceptions about that being the issue. That’s not the fucking issue.

Right!

If anything, the issue is these backward ideas.

That led to this, yeah.

Yeah, it was just rebranding it in a new way. And it’s funny when people interview me about it and they hardly bring it up. That’s amazing. That people can watch a movie that is still a lesbian romance with a much older woman and much younger girl, and they are focused on your movie. That means we did our job right. That's a good sign.

It’s also a nice indicator of how much progress has been made in regards to gay and queer storylines when that doesn’t have to be the focus anymore. It's just accepted as something that can be on screen, not for its own sake.

Exactly.

When you were filming, what the energy was like on set? Especially with this really heavy story and with the consent aspect with your co-star, Sarah Stone?

She was nineteen when we did the movie, and that's one of the reasons why Julia was so perfect. We looked at a lot of girls because it had to be right and they had to have a certain sense of emotional maturity to act very vulnerable. It had to be believable that I could overpower this person and be physically threatening to them.

She was amazing.

She checks all the boxes and she was the best actress. When she came into the reading, I was like, 'Duh. It’s Julia. She’s the only one that can do this.' She’s an adult legally so it makes our job easier because we’re not worried that we’re traumatizing this poor person. She’s a real actress and we had mutual respect. I’m so not like this character at all and I was mainly concerned that I wasn’t going to be believable as this scary person or that I was going to be too timid with her and be worried. I was probably overly cautious and was always asking if she was okay because I also remember what it’s like being that age and being on a set. Even when you're nineteen, you’re still vulnerable. I was constantly like, 'Ok, I’m gonna do this now, are you cool with that?' or 'Ok now, you just let me know, speak up.' I think after a while, she was like, '... I’m fine!'

It also helps that we had Sara [Mishara] behind the camera. She’s a genius. I’m obsessed with her. It was wonderful having that extra pair of eyes behind the lens—we knew that we were going to be taking care of. She wasn’t going to be doing anything that would be gratuitous or that was going to exploit us in any way. Any time we veered into that accidentally, we shut it down so fast. We were allowed to look at playback and be like, 'We can’t do this. This doesn’t send a message we want to send, so let’s just stop.' We were careful.

It's good to hear that you had women in so many aspects of the filmmaking process and that it was done with a lot of careful thought. What was the most difficult aspect of filming this?

Anger.

Anger?

Yeah, because I feel like I've worked so hard to not be angry, now it's the hardest emotion to conjure up. You’ve got to go back into the depths of yourself and be like, 'Ok, what really made me mad?' I don’t like it. My least favorite part of my job is whenever I have to be scary or mad or hurt somebody. Who likes doing that? Some people are like 'Oh, it’s so much fun to play the villain,' and I’m like, 'No it’s not! It’s awful!' It was not fun and the first time we did the scene where I came in and I threw her onto the ground, I started to cry.

The first time I did it and I was yelling at her, I was fighting back the tears of regret and fear for her and myself. It was really weird to be on the other side, but it also made me feel like I could bring influence to it. I knew I could sit down with Julia and be like, 'You know, when someone does this to you, you’re too shocked to move.' I feel like I could put my input into it and say, 'When someone does that to you, you are so frozen because you cannot believe it’s happening.' Most people think you would fight back. Well, I mean, some people would, sure, but for the most part, you’re on the floor thinking, 'What is going on?' It’s hard to process this quickly enough to react.

In regards to Westworld, you touched on how it’s been the most challenging thing you’ve ever done and I know you can’t share any spoilers, but how has season two has felt compared to season one in terms of the filming process.

Season one was a walk in the park comparatively. Season two is highly ambitious in terms of the themes and the amount of time for filming. It was like filming ten movies in six months. The schedule was grueling, to say the least. We were also filming out of order this time so a lot of the time, I’d show up and be like, 'What episode is this? What happened right before this? What’s gonna happen right after?' If you tried to keep track you would drive yourself crazy. We did our best. You’re also on horseback and in the cold and you’re risking your life. It’s the Deadliest Catch factor because you do it while riding full speed with no hands and shooting rifles. That was a daily occurrence and you do it like improv almost. You’re given this scene and then you do it.

Wow, oh my god.

But I also think that there is a part of [the producrers] that like us to be completely disarmed—just like the guests in the park. I’m talking about stripping us down to our most primal selves. I have a weird feeling that that’s also why they keep us in the dark. So that we’re our most primal, vulnerable, honest selves and don’t overthink things. I've noticed on the show that, because it’s so complicated and because we care so much about it, it’s really easy to go off and do too much with it. It’s probably better that they give us a little bit by bit.

So you don’t get the whole script at once?

No, we get scripts as they come—sometimes the day before we’re about to shoot. I’ve worked on some scenes from episodes I hadn’t even read. I’ll walk in, and I’m looking around going, 'Ok, I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t know what that is, or what I’m doing or why I’m covered in blood.' I’d ask, 'Why am I covered in blood?' And they’d say, 'You’ve been through some stuff.' It is quite a new way of working that I don’t think anyone is used to, and at times it’s all crazy, but I think we all secretly love it.

#evan rachel wood #Interviews #out magazine #allure #interview 2018 #westworld #season 2

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swipestream · 6 years

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New Release Roundup–12 May 2018: Science Fiction

Space dragons, the King of Space, legions of space marines, caravans of space refugees, and the deadliest unpaid intern in the galaxy feature in this week’s roundup of the newest releases in science fiction.

Bandwidth (Analog Novel #1) – Eliot Peper

A rising star at a preeminent political lobbying firm, Dag Calhoun represents the world’s most powerful technology and energy executives. But when a close brush with death reveals that the influence he wields makes him a target, impossible cracks appear in his perfect, richly appointed life.

Like everyone else, Dag relies on his digital feed for everything—a feed that is as personal as it is pervasive, and may not be as private as it seems. As he struggles to make sense of the dark forces closing in on him, he discovers that activists are hijacking the feed to manipulate markets and governments. Going public would destroy everything he’s worked so hard to build, but it’s not just Dag’s life on the line—a shadow war is coming, one that will secure humanity’s future or doom the planet to climate catastrophe. Ultimately, Dag must decide the price he’s willing to pay to change the world.

Beyond Atlantis ( Ascendant Chronicles #4) – Brandon Elllis

Jaxx thought the Kelhoon were bad enough – a race of aliens enslaving humans, Atlanteans, and other ET’s, and shipping them off to their factory farms on Callisto, Jupiter’s second largest moon. But when Jaxx lands back on Callisto to free those bound in chains, he encounters something far worse.

The Agadon has followed him there. A psychotic sentient race of artificial intelligent Beings hellbent on wiping out all life in the Sol system – human, Atlantean and Kelhoon alike.

Now Jaxx must persuade rebel Kelhoon to join him in a battle against an intractable enemy.

With only one chance to succeed, Jaxx might just save everyone, or he might fail and die. When the Atlanteans offer him a deal that fulfills both, he may have no choice.

And he’s running out of time.

Broken Stars (Universe on Fire #1) – Ivan Kal

Sixty-seven years ago the Qash’vo’tar conquered Earth. They had judged humanity as dangerous and unworthy of joining the other races among the stars. Ever since then, the aliens had ruled from above, keeping humanity from even thinking about reaching for the stars. The Qash’vo’tar did not care what humanity did on the ground, as long as they didn’t attempt to build anything that could get them to the stars. Outmatched in every way and not willing to accept the cost of fighting back, the United Earth gave up ever again reaching beyond the boundary of Earth’s sky.

In its isolation, humanity turned its eyes from the sky and pointed them to the ground. Instead of the stars, humanity explored the oceans, burrowed deep underground, and broadened its understanding of laws of physics. Until finally they could take no more. In secret the United Earth’s best scientists attempted to find a way out. They experimented, and in a single moment changed the fate of humanity. Accidentally, they broke through someplace else, created a breach in space-time. Deep underground, they created a portal to another universe.

They made a breach to a universe where there was magic. This new universe changed them, changed their own universe. This one accident gave them a new weapon against the Qash’vo’tar. A weapon that the aliens had no knowledge of. It gave humanity magic. And they studied it, integrated it with their technology, and they waited for the right time to strike back against their alien overlords.

And now, sixty-seven years after they had been conquered, it was time for humanity to show the Qash’vo’tar that they had been right to fear humanity. Now was the time for humanity to reclaim its world and carve a place for Earth among the stars.

Freedom’s Fate (Freedom’s Fire #6) – Bobby Adair

War in the Heavens for Freedom on Earth

The first interstellar war, a generation ago, left humanity enslaved. Now humans fight in the armies of their masters to save themselves from annihilation.

At least, that’s what the propaganda insists is true. What the layers of lies keep hidden, is how badly the new war is going for the people of earth.

Now it’s Dylan Kane’s turn to blast into the heavens and join the battle, but what his masters don’t know, is that by putting a weapon in his hands, they’re giving him the key to unlocking his hopes of freedom.

In this finale of the Freedom’s Fire series, the Free Army tries to salvage victory from what looks like a total loss. They’ve found a weakness in the Gray-Trog alliance they think they can exploit. But they’ll need to ally themselves with the hated MSS, and put their trust in people they’ve sworn to overthrow.

Hunter Killer (Wardogs, Inc. #2) – G. D. Stark

All war is murder for profit. Some corporations are just more open about it.

WARDOGS INCORPORATED is one of the largest and most professional mercenary corporations operating in the Kantillon subsector. If you need a bodyguard, an assassination team, or an armored cavalry regiment complete with air support, WARDOGS Inc. can provide it for you… for a very steep price.

Fresh from the nuclear-scarred battlefields of Ulixis, Tommy Falkland and his squad mates are happy to be assigned to a simple corporate bodyguard contract when the interstellar corporation Datacon Verlag inadvertently offends a seriously strange religious cult with an advertising campaign and turns to Wardogs Incorporated for protection. But the contract proves to be considerably more challenging than expected when the executive they are guarding ends up dead, murdered by a military-grade toxin, and they find themselves ordered to track down his killer. But how do you solve a murder when your two primary skills are breaking things and killing people?

The King of Space Must Die (Space Team #9) – Barry J. Hutchison

It isn’t just war. It’s space war!

Geronimus Krone, the most dangerous man in existence has altered the course of time, appointed himself King of Space, and now rules the galaxy with the help of his four monstrous generals and their armies.

Cal Carver and his crew are the galaxy’s only hope. But, reeling from their recent loss, they can’t stop Krone on their own. Fortunately, they’ve got a whole bunch of friends they can call on for help.

With Krone’s grip tightening around thousands of helpless star systems, a much larger Space Team must find a way to crush his armies, defeat his generals, and finally face off against the King of Space himself.

But first, they’ve got a funeral to attend…

Knights of Saturn (Void Dragon Hunters #5) – Felix R. Savage

Betrayed and undermined, the Dragon Corps is in tatters.

Scarred by losses, the Dragon Corps is placed under ADCON by the Department of Defense. Jay Scattergood returns to Earth with his Void Dragon – and finds himself reluctantly spearheading a plot to break a traitor out of prison. The daring strategy enmeshes Jay and his friends in conflict with their own side, as they struggle to head off a calamity caused by the traitors who sided with the Offense.

Jay and Tancred have one last chance to save humanity. But enemies surround them on all sides. The Void Dragons are exiled from Earth. Their only hope is to flee … into Offense territory.

The final battle is coming. The Void Dragons will face their ultimate test at Saturn.

Last Man Out (Poor Man’s Fight #5) – Elliott Kay

Meet the deadliest unpaid intern in the galaxy.

Some people struggle to get to college. Tanner Malone had to fight through an interstellar war. Far from home, under a cloud of scandal and propaganda, hunted by assassins and haunted by trauma, Tanner is finally enrolled in a top university.

He didn’t plan for an archaeological expedition on the far side of human space. He didn’t want more corporate mercenaries or space pirates in his life, either. Yet ancient alien secrets don’t come without cost.

If his classmates want to survive the summer, their infamous intern is the only chance they’ve got.

The Midnight Sun (The Four Horsemen: Omega War #2) – Tim C. Taylor

War has come to the worlds of Humans. The rich planet of Tau-Rietzke, however, is far from Earth and the Mercenary Guild’s invasion, and its alien-registered mercenary companies are a safe haven for Humans on the run. Organizations like the Midnight Sun Free Company.

Having just completed another successful mission and taken possession of three Raknars, it was party time for Saisho Branco and the personnel of the Midnight Sun, and they were enjoying a little down time…until the war spilled over into their corner of the galaxy and two competing mercenary organizations showed up to steal the Raknars.

But no one takes the company owner’s toys, and Gloriana has given the Midnight Sun a new mission—return the Raknars to her at all cost…or don’t return at all.

This is the hardest mission the Midnight Sun has ever taken, and it will test not only the military prowess of the company, but also its members’ loyalties as well. When everyone is against you, and your race calls you to war, do you heed the call or continue to trust your shadowy employer? Outnumbered and outgunned, the Midnight Sun must decide whether to fight or to give up the Raknars and save their lives. Little do they know, it’s a decision which will impact the war being fought hundreds of light years away!

Odysseus Ascendant (Odyssey One #7) – Evan Currie

The Empire has set its sights on its next target: human Terrans. As effective allies of the Priminae, the denizens of Earth have proven themselves enemies to the Empire, and now the Imperial forces know more about the Terran home world than ever before.

The battle for the planet’s survival will see the Odysseus first into the breach. But more perils loom for Commodore Eric Weston and his comrades. They’re at odds with the political conflicts dividing Earth’s government and challenged by the mysterious presence haunting their vessel—its intentions unclear, and the extent of its powers unknown.

As the Empire brings the battle home, the crew of the Odysseus will need to determine whether this entity will support them in their fight for survival, or prove to be another dangerous foe.

There’s no turning back…and the only way forward may be a pathway to doom.

Rage of Winter (Terran Strike Marines #2) – Richard Fox and Scott Moon

One Shot. One Kill. One sniper to strike fear in the heart of alien invaders.

Hoffman’s Strike Marines pursue enemy agents across a wintry world, desperate to stop an insidious threat festering in the heart of the Terran Union. Their hunt is disrupted when the fanatical Kesaht invade and the team is split across the snow and ice of a harsh planet.

The team’s sniper, Duke, plays a deadly game of hit-and-run to slow the aliens’ advance and earns the ire of the enemy commander.

Hoffman, trapped in the frigid wilds, leads his Marines and their cunning prisoners back to the front, where they must join the fight against the Kesaht before the planet is lost.

Single Shot (Justice of the Covenant #3) – M. R. Forbes

Hayley, Quark, and the Riders are finding it hard to trust anything after a series of betrayals has left them battered and on the run, heading for a safe haven to regroup and reload.

If they want to have any hope of preventing an intergalactic war, they’ll need to break onto one of the most highly secured planets in the galaxy and pull off one of the most unexpected heists ever committed.

When friends reveal themselves as enemies and enemies become accidental friends, there’s only one thing left to do:

Throw caution to the stars, take the leap, and make the single shot.

Storm of Vengeance (Crimson Worlds Refugees #5) – Jay Allan

Earth Two is a world beset by dangers, inside and out. It’s genetic groupings, the cloned “Tanks,” the “Natural Borns” and the hybrid “Mules” exist uneasily, each wary of the others, even as they rally to face the deadly threat of the First Imperium’s robot warriors.

President Max Harmon and his inner circle have played an elaborate game of chess for twelve years, a deadly battle of wits with the genocidal alien Intelligence known as the Regent. They have moved fleets, spread deceptions, built decoy planets…all to hide Earth Two’s location, to protect it from the deadly onslaught of the enemy.

But sitting and waiting is a losing game. The Regent’s resources are just too powerful, its technology too advanced. It will find Earth Two eventually…and when it does, it will consign the planet to the apocalypse of antimatter devastation. Harmon knows his people must do something…and when a scouting fleet sends back word that it has found the enemy’s antimatter production site, it seems almost too good to be true.

Harmon suspects it is all a trap designed to lure his fleet to its destruction. But, more than one side can lay a trap, or turn one around, and the elimination of the Regent’s antimatter production will go a long way to evening the two sides, and setting the stage for a final showdown the humans can win.

The War for Earth (Children of Earthrise #4) – Daniel Arenson

The basilisks. Giant serpents from deep space. Their true name is unknown. Their homeworld is cloaked in shadow. But one thing is certain: They’re killers.

And they vow to kill us all.

We humans have only just returned to Earth. For centuries, we lived as refugees among the stars. Hated. Hunted. After a long war, after devastating losses, we began to resettle our world. Only to find it swarming with monsters.

The basilisks show us no mercy. They constrict our children like boas, shattering their bones. They devour our loved ones, digesting them alive and screaming. Their starships hammer our colonies, destroying all that we’ve built.

They’ll never stop. Not until we’re all dead.

But we did not survive so many hardships to give up now. Our hope still burns bright. We will fight the basilisks. We will defend our planet. We will win the war for Earth!

A Warrior’s Home (Assignment: Darklanding #9) – Craig Martelle and Scott Moon

Thaddeus Fry became a sheriff, but he never stopped being a soldier. TerroCom needs him and he can’t say no.

A frontier world. One sheriff. The Company and all the action one spaceport can’t handle.

A warrior is never far from battle, even if the war is long over. Thad is torn between his new home on Darklanding and the familiarity of combat. His quirky friends or his fellow warriors. Whose call will be the strongest? Maximus deploys with the sheriff as they go off world to find out.

Fans of Firefly, Bonanza, and Tombstone will love this space opera / western and all the characters that make the story great. Join us on the latest journey through Darklanding.

New Release Roundup–12 May 2018: Science Fiction published first on https://medium.com/@ReloadedPCGames

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traumaodyssey · 4 months

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•• 💿💿 ••

Jokes aside… “rizz” aside…

You offered to watch my back when I was most vulnerable.

You admitted that I am one of the few you’ve allowed yourself to attach to.

You said you’d write me an entire epic poem.

I’m not so sure my heart could handle that when one sentence from you had my heart racing and my mind going blank.

But fuck I think I want to.

I want to be worthy of you. Of the attention you’ve given me. To fall at your feet only for you to lift me back up and assure me I’ve done nothing wrong.

And yet I want to be taken apart by you, piece by aching piece, and put back together into something more complete.

I’ve never felt this way before.

I haven’t had that rush of emotion that speaking to you brings in so long.

I don’t know if I’m worthy but I want to be. I think with you I could believe that I am. I think in your arms the nightmares could fade. I think with you, I’m safe.

How can a concept feel so scary and so freeing at the same time?

#my writing #spilled ink #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #••💿••#@centifox #for Ultimate

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traumaodyssey · 4 months

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••💿💿••

You.

You GET it.

You know what it’s like for a single moment to entirely unmake you.

To have one day that so perfectly destroyed your life that you know full recovery is never an option.

Because how could you ever go back to normal after that? There is no “normal” after what you’ve seen. What you’ve been through.

You GET IT.

You get me.

When the world shatters under your feet, the air in your lungs turns cold, and everything that you are becomes numb.

You see that. You see me.

You see my pain. My suffering. The sheer self-loathing I can’t let go of. And you held me close and wiped my tears away. You told me I deserved everything you could give me and more.

And I cried harder.

I told you nothing felt right and you told me you understood and you were sorry. That I deserved to have someone that treats me well.

I hate crying in front of people. I always have. But with you, in your arms, I just feel…safe. A warmth and safety I’ve never had.

I was always too busy for love, never in the right place at the right time. And then the idea of trying to find it made me sick. Until I met you.

And now I crave nothing more than your closeness, your gentle affection. I think I’d let you break me just to say I had you close.

You mean more to me now than words can say. Thank you. Thank you for being here.

#my writing #spilled ink #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #••💿••#@centifox #for ultimate #your sweet crow #ramblings

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traumaodyssey · 4 months

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••🤺••

I’m not entirely sure what to do with all this feeling. I wasn’t looking to feel so much so fast.

You hit me like a brick wall and sent me reeling and I’m not sure I want to recover.

I’m here. I’m here. I’m here for you.

I’ll hold you until it all feels okay again, until you wake up and don’t want to fade away.

You bore your heart and soul to me, baby, and I’ll be here to hold the broken pieces and make sure nobody hurts you again.

Don’t give up, little prince. Reach out your hand and I’ll hold it tight, just so you don’t let go. I’m here. I have you.

#my writing #spilled ink #spilled poetry #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #••🤺••#@centifox

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traumaodyssey · 7 months

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Maybe I never will speak with you again.

My therapist knows your name

knows the days since you cut yourself off,

Knows how bad I miss you…at least a fraction of it.

She knows I loved you.

…love

You.

Maybe one day we’ll meet again

Maybe not in this lifetime…

But I hope

I hope

In the next.

Maybe our lucky stars burned out

or the wrong fates aligned.

Maybe we aren’t cosmic stardust that began time together—

Like I always thought,

like we always said we’d stay,

like we thought we’d always be,

drawn together.

…maybe I’ll never find my cosmic soulmate.

Maybe this is the wrong timeline, and it was never meant to be.

Perhaps in another time,

another place,

Somewhere out in outer space-

in a distance galaxy or

another world…

Maybe that’s where we’re meant to be.

Meant to find each other.

Meant to stay

But not here

…never here…

And that’s…that’s okay.

I can’t wait forever on a date that isn’t written.

But I hope you know that you are loved,

Across all time and all places, all space and all universes,

In every iteration of You,

From every iteration of Me.

#spilled ink #my writing #spilled emotions #spilled poetry #i love you #love poem #dedicated to someone who will never read it #heartbroken #i love you and i miss you #I hope you are well #please take care of yourself my love #my dearest friend #🦋🪻#welcome to the trauma odyssey #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #trauma odyssey writing

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traumaodyssey · 4 months

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••💿💿••

Tw: talk of scars, ab*se, tort*re, recovery.

I used to be proud of my scars. There was a time when they were all gained from my experiences. From stupid choices or sets and stunts.

I can’t. Be proud of them anymore.

Now it is a reminder. My entire body—little more than a reminder of a dark forest.

Of dark eyes leering down while he cut me apart.

Of feeling my skin burn and twist as he grew angrier with each cry I didn’t let out.

I tried for so long to keep from screaming. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing the agony I was in.

Every bone he broke, every tendon he snapped, every muscle he shredded.

And the brand he left on the back of my neck that’s never healed fully.

It was my own fucking fault. I should have flash stepped. I should have called out when I tripped. Something, anything when cold hands yanked me deeper into the darkness.

When my arms started to burn from struggling against thin metal wire. Thick enough to keep from breaking. Sharp enough to slice into skin the more you struggle.

When I tasted blood in my mouth from a ripped out tooth.

Nothing scares me the way he does. The way he laughed and hummed in absolute fucking delight as he broke me apart. Nothing shatters me the way looking at my scars do.

I never want to go back there. I don’t think I’d survive.

How can I still be precious to you when I look like this?

#••💿••#my writing #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #@centifox #for my Apollo #tw torture #tw abuse #tw trauma #/nf to read

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traumaodyssey · 4 months

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There are days where I still wonder about you

You left without a trace, without a word.

I’ve never known if it was something I did, or something you needed to figure out.

I hope you’re okay.

With everything that I am, I hope you’re okay.

I wonder if you ever think about the good times and smile—

I wonder if you miss me, too.

I hope you know my door is always open,

And I’ll leave the light on for you…

If you ever find your way back home.

#my writing #spilled ink #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #•• 🎠 ••

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traumaodyssey · 5 months

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•• Depression Is ••

by traumaodyssey

Depression is not just feeling sad.

Oh,

Trust me;

There is sadness.

There is a bone-crushing,

Soul-aching weight of pure,

Unadulterated sadness.

But depression is far more than that.

Do you think you know what depression is?

Try lying in bed for three days straight;

Getting out once a day for the bathroom.

Try eating a bite or two of a snack stashed next to the bed.

Imagine the most exhausted you’ve ever felt in your life:

Perhaps after a double shift;

Or maybe after pulling an all-nighter with friends.

Now imagine feeling that constantly.

No matter how much you sleep.

No matter how long you lie there.

Telling yourself to get up.

You cannot summon the energy to move a single—

fucking—

muscle.

Depression is feeling exhausted-

And not knowing why.

Depression is looking forwards to an event for a year,

Only to miss it because you couldn’t get out of bed.

You aren’t sick.

You aren’t dying.

You’re just, so, tired.

Depression is forgetting to eat,

Which becomes not being hungry,

Which turns into one meal a day,

Then maybe none at all.

Depression is being too tired to eat.

You aren’t trying to starve yourself,

You just aren’t hungry.

Depression is seeing your friends on a Discord voice call,

Playing Minecraft together,

And rolling over to go back to sleep instead of joining.

Because you’re too tired to socialize.

You don’t feel like playing video games anymore.

Depression is laying on your stomach,

Laughing at TikTok videos

But not having the energy to push yourself to sit up.

It’s not showering for days because you’re so tired moving exhausts you.

It’s not taking your meds because you’re out and don’t have the energy to drive to the pharmacy.

The thought of doing so makes you want to curl up and never move again.

Depression is not even your friends, family, or partners being able to get you out of bed.

Depression is knowing you need to call your therapist,

Because these meds are making things worse,

But looking at your phone and cringing just

to tuck your head under the pillows again.

Depression is hearing people say;

“if you have the energy to talk to your friends why don’t you have the energy to do your responsibilities?”

“If you can laugh at a video game or a video why can’t you call your doctor?”

And not being able to answer.

Depression is “what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know.”

Because there’s no reason why you can’t get out of bed,

Why you can’t eat,

Why you can’t get on the phone,

And why you can’t drag yourself to work.

You don’t know why you’re so tired.

Why nothing is appealing anymore.

Why you can’t write, play video games, draw, cosplay.

Why you can’t even shower.

Depression is your brain unable to make your body move.

No matter how hard it tries.

And the longer you lie there,

The worse you feel.

The worse you feel, the harder it is to move.

#my writing #spilled ink #spilled poetry #trauma odyssey spilled thoughts #depression description #my experiences #talk of not being able to eat #•• 🎠 ••#sort of long post

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