#urgh idk I’ll stop tag ranting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thesaltyace · 3 years

Text

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

#rant over #for now #I've actually been listening to Inside for the last twenty minutes already lol #maybe I'll try to nap #idk #blergh #yay Shit is playing now and I'm like LOL cause I did wake up at 11:30 feeling like shit #woot #what a bop #I'm like hell yeah you get it #let's vibe

1 note · View note

awesome-timtams · 6 years

Text

INFINITY WAR/AVENGERS 4 THEORY + ALL MY RANTS (SPOILERS)

because you know what? i’m not done.

i’ve come up with a theory, if only just to comfort myself. also, i’m still kinda unhappy over some things. (although this movie is really good, so please don’t judge the film too harshly based on other spoilers you’ve read. give it a chance and watch it before you form opinions please? :D )

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER CUT.

like, i’m not gonna censor myself. i’m just gonna rant. so you have been warned.

(if anybody wants me to add any tags to this post, just comment or smthin and ill do it yo)

LAST CHANCE FOR NO SPOILERS. WE COOL? OK.

just wanna say right off the bat, i’m not a comic fan. i’ve never read the comics. i don’t know shit about the comics. so all of this may come off as really stupid to comic fans, and for that, i apologise.

(also, after typing this all up, i’m realising just how negative i seem to come off this entire post? like, there were flaws, don’t get me wrong, i pointed out stuff i didn’t like, but overall this movie was really good. i fucking loved this movie. i went into the theatres really worried because there were so many characters and i was scared that it was gonna become real messy real quick and the plot would kinda be all over the place and overstuffed, but it actually worked out quite well in the end. there was a lot of humour and that’s great, because who isn’t up for humour? and it got real emotional and heartbreaking, and that was done really well so i applaud. i really do recommend going to watch this movie, because like seriously, it’s fucking good. went out of the cinemas and nearly walked straight back in to see it again)

now, theory first!

alright, so we remember how red skull ‘died’ right? he was holding the space stone, and as he’s holding it he starts to kinda ash away before he gets beamed up into space.

remember who else gets ashed?

just about everybody in the fucking movie (still not over that. god. i started fucking bawling my eyes out. was not very dignifying)

but yes, i think that they didn’t actually die? instead, they actually got transported to another universe like the red skull was? (or even better, their souls got sent to another universe, because after further research, that’s apparently what the soul stone does? and anyway, none of them got physically beamed somewhere like the red skull did. they all just faded to ash. i noticed that when wanda got ashed though, her entire being seemed to go grey for a brief couple of seconds before she turned to ash, and that kinda strikes me as what would happen if you lost the very essence of yourself? like your soul? so yeah, space stone beamed the red skull to a different universe physically, but the soul stone beamed them to a different universe…spiritually (also, i’m making this edit at 3 am in the morning so excuse if it’s just really incoherent)) because it didn’t escape anybody’s notice that none of the original avengers died right? only all the new heroes with confirmed sequels and shit did?

so i think they’re actually safe but just in a different place for now. and then all the original avengers, in the next movie are gonna do some shit and sacrifice themselves to save everybody who got ashed.

cus like, i refuse to believe they are permanently dead. i mean, c’mon. t’challa? the king of wakanda who’s arc only just got started? peter parker? when spiderman homecoming 2 has already been confirmed and is gonna start shooting soon? bucky? who’s had the whole white wolf thing/taking over the mantle as cap teased but neither were acted upon? fucking bullshit i tell you. didn’t stop me from fucking bawling my eyes out in the cinema. jfc i started crying like halfway thru the movie at gamora, escalated at bucky and then just curled into myself and died a little when peter clung on to tony. so yeah.

also i feel like they didn’t need to make the red skull come back and become the guardian of the soul stone. he wasn’t important, and was only there to give a bit of context into how to retrieve the soul stone. they could’ve easily just put a faceless character and have them do the exact same job and it would’ve made exactly zero change to the plot. so if the red skull is back, they must’ve done it for a reason. and that reason, i think, is the one i’ve been explaining above; to possibly show that being ashed isn’t gonna kill you, but instead transport you elsewhere. (also, yo, did anybody get dementor vibes when the red skull first appeared on screen?)

maybe this theory is just me being in denial over my favourites being killed god.

now onto my rants.

i thinkl loki and gamora are permanently dead. not happy about either deaths. loki’s was just…it’s just bullshit? he’s been killed and revived so many times that the emotional value of it is just not there anymore. and also, i don’t belive loki is stupid enough to go at thanos and pull a fucking pocketknife on him like, what’s that gonna do mate? and i feel loki, if he had a death scene, definitely deserved better than that. i feel like his arc kinda just got started, so him being killed off is kinda. urgh. so i’m pretty sure that loki’s not dead (cus c’mon), but at the same time if they bring him back it’s gonna be so fucking overplayed it’s gonna be like another episode of supernatural (i still love you spn but actually tho). so basically, marvel’s got themselves in a bit of a dump.

now onto gamora. idk, i’m just really not happy with the way she died? she didn’t deserve to go out like that? i mean, he sees his cause as the greater good, and people sacrifice a lot for their greater good, but still. not cool? i’m upset? gamora deserved so much more than to be tossed off that fuckin cliff? i actually reallyyyyy wanted gamora (or nebula) to be the one to kill thanos. maybe together. cus tbh fuck thanos. he fucked up their lives so hard, and what does gamora get in the end? thrown off a cliff, that’s what.

ALSO, QUILL. WHY. MATE. COULDN’T YOU HAVE DECKED THE SHIT OUT OF THANOS AFTER THEY MANAGED TO PULL OFF THE GAUNTLET??????? THEY WERE THIS. FUCKING. CLOSE. ARGHHHHHH.

also i’m still not over peter and bucky. god. bucky kinda stumbling out of the woods, and that little ‘…steve?’ before he just fucking. crumbles away. i was so fucking. no words. and i already knew peter was gonna die cus of that giRL (if you wanna see THAT rant, click here). but it was actually still so fucking heartbreaking? ‘…i don’t feel so good’ and ‘please, i don’t want to die’ as he just sobs while crumbling to ash in tony’s arms? i started bawling my eyes out (and wow take a shot every time i say that phrase in this post)

ok now onto some other things. i feel like this film sort of rendered most of ragnarok obsolete? like, (and this point was brought up by a friend so shout out to them) weren’t they trying to make it so that thor was less reliant on his weapons and more reliant on his own abilities and powers? and also, asgard. they gave us so much hope for asgard at the end of ragnarok, only to have it dashed apart in the beginning of infinity war. asgard? more like…asGONE. ba dum tss. (shitty joke i know but that’s how i cope). also. where. the fuck. is valkyrie?? i swear to god if she’s dead imma cut a bitch.

also, i’m sort of upsetti clint didn’t show up in this movie. BUT. they mentioned at the beginning of the film that clint was off with scott to do some other shit regarding their families or smthin, which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, clint might actually show up in ant-man and the wasp. so, looking forward to that.

so yes, i feel like i’ve been quite negative throughout this post, so here’s a couple paragraphs dedicated to all the good things about this movie and my experience and why i love it.

post-credits scene was? like, maria being ashed shook the whole cinema? and nick fury’s being ashed got me upset right up until the point where he swore and that kinda loosened the mood up. he’s so chill about everything i s2g. and that captain marvel insignia drop at the end was amazing. had the whole theatre shook. so yes, good post-credits scene.

they did emotions really well? especially in the last 20 mins, when everybody is being ashed, like, i cried. a lot. some of the emotions just came so clearly across the screen, and you could really feel what the characters themselves were feeling at the moment. some of the scenes were truly heartbreaking and beautiful (JUST, QUICK BREAK TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO TOM HOLLAND FOR HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE? THANK YOU.)

the humour in this movie is fucking outstanding, but they never got in the way of the emotional scenes. the jokes were hilarious, and didn’t feel shoehorned in. they had the cinema rolling, and honestly, it was great. also, can i just say that quill being jealous of thor’s masculinity is fucking hilarious. and dr strange and tony going at it and trying to beat each other in who’s the most arrogant and all-knowing was fucking amazing, so kudos. anD ALSO. BRUCE AND HULK? FUCKING AMAZING. LOVED THEIR INTERACTIONS TBH. i would quote lines right now but i’m kinda fuzzy about them and i hate nothing more than misquoting so.

also. THOR. THOR. HIS ENTRANCE INTO WAKANDA IS SO FUCKING BADASS AND I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING ABOUT IT? IT’S SO BLOODY COOL, HOW HE JUST SWOOPS IN ALL DRAMATIC AND SHIT WITH HIS NEW AXE AND LIGHTNING AND JFALKGJRIOA yeah that was awesome.

i feel like i haven’t ever seen a movie with the audience as engaged as they were today. like, when certain characters showed up on screen the audience lost their shit and started whooping and clapping and shit. and when tony got stabbed i s2g the entire cinema just. stopped breathing. so yeah, good experience, fun times, loved it, really got me in the mood tbh.

i think i just about covered everything i wanted to say in this post? (and wow, this is a real bit of a giant brain dump. i just started typing anything that came to mind) maybe i’ll add to it if i think of anymore things, because i still feel like i have more to say even though i can’t really say anything right now. if any of you wanna talk, just message me and i’m up to listen lol.

this whole post took me the better half of three hours ( it’s also > 1500 words, and wow, i could’ve used all this time to finish my english assessment oops), so imma just go and do my homework like the good child i am (hah).

tldr; everybody who was ashed is actually alive, original avengers are gonna sacrifice themselves in avengers 4 to save the ashed kids, ragnarok was obsolete, im not happy with people’s deaths, clint might appear in ant-man and the wasp, this movie is really good and i fucking love it, feel free to msg me if u wanna talk and i’ve wasted too much time on this post. (this was still a really long tldr but i ranted for 1000 words so what can you do)

have a good one. (wow, extra aussie today aren’t we?)

#infinity war spoilers #a:iw #infinity war #mcu #marvel #infinity war theory #avengers 4 theory #spoilers #timtams speaks #timtams rants

146 notes · View notes