#what's one bad in a life of mostly good

[skinsort]

Grid skin underway, courtesy of insomnia lol. One piece at a time, or the whole skin all at once and then tutorials? The problem here is even though I have a fairly developed idea, minds change. I might make the banner/nav, love it, and then finish everything else and redo the first three things I worked on because they're suddenly hideous or I uncovered a preferable approach halfway through. Hm. Despite the delays, I think one skin all at once is most practical? The cleanest css/code is possible that way, probably. Maybe some like idk, explainer for how things get consolidated in a stylesheet along the way? Also do people want features beyond the skin itself, like my auto claim stuff, or free to use resources ala fizzy elf's memberlist stuff, etc? or is that kind of add on so ubiquitous there's no need? Genuinely don't know what code the wider rpc has cracked with that stuff.

#i have no business being focused on this at an ungodly hour shortly before dawn #but neither did i have any business baiting a bull without matador training so #whatever bad choices are made every day #what's one bad in a life of mostly good

[icewindandboringhorror]

boy in silly sitting positions compilation

#cats #I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol #I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh #I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day #so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the #writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird #to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in #it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something #''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way #you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj #Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future'' #things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up #with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just #stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house #in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty #that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn #There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not #even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy #birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public #ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take #anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some #things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like #2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were #playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol.. #Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my #evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas

[amrv-5]

survived Badly (argh) but going to work on fic for as long as I continue to enjoy doing so then switch over -- see if I can find somewhere to watch The 400 Blows and probably cry forever and dehydrate and feel soooo sad and then feel better after. Thank you French New Wave

#boooo whatever saying nonsense nothing matters delete later #somebody should invent a proximity to your parents that doesn't immediately make you so emotionally weird forever #overdramatic. Im feeling fine im eating some crackers and lying around chilling. Just. Weird. Off Balance.. #Mild Disturbance in my Year of Exceptional Emotional/Mental Chill #not gonna let it break my 2024 streak of feeling generally Pretty Freakin Good and mostly Recovered From The Lost Year #Which btw. can I say... have i said...? Genuinely having one of the nicest years of my life so far... feeling really pretty good #mfw having more control over your life + surroundings + choices + living circumstances means you can genuinely #meaningfully improve ur day-to-day lived experiences and find what works for u to keep u happy + healthy + excited about life... magic #anyway. brief Huh I Feel Kind Of Bad And Sad In A Deeper Way Kicked Off By But Unrelated To Events Of The Day moment earlier #really made me realize how exceptionally good I've had it so far this year... i think... it's possible... things Do Get Better #anyway. ok done Tag Blogging now. just hope everyone enjoys a nice treat or something. get good sleep enjoy ur time change if it applies #watch a movie or something. idk have fun guys have a good night

[blushinggoku]

Been watching some dbs related videos and I'm sosoo glad I gave up on that anime because oh my god the story gets worse with every arc. Wtf are they even doing anymore

#watched a vid summarizing the granolah arc and literally genuinely what was that #my favorite part was when frieza showed up outta nowhere with a new form he'd cultivated #in a alternate dimension that distorts time in a similar way that the room of space and time does #proceeded to one hit kill the big bad of the week. knock out goku and vegeta for shits and giggles and then dip #hilarious #but it was meant to be totally serious and to show that frieza's totallyyyy a threat again guys for real lets goo round 3 #and that was literally the most interesting part of the arc #Im so mad about the fucking bardock retcon #but not about the hypothetical wish he made. I remember reading somewhere that the English translation of the manga was incorrect #and ik a lot of people argue that the wish he made just retconned the whole message of dragon ball #but thats based on the English version of the manga #also speaking of bardock and retcons related to him Im still livid over the fact that they changed goku's origin story #to be an almost exact ripoff of superman's #and they retconned the start of the saiyan arc with that too #radirz said goku was sent to earth to destroy it as a baby. but now goku was sent to earth on purpose to save his life? #bullshit. I call bullshit #man Im sorry that most of my original posts so far have related to me bitching about Super #I want to engage with dragon ball contentbso bad but how can I when mostly everything is about Super now? #can't even read a good fanfic without goku's character being bastardized and infantalized the way it is in Super #literally fouvd my dream fic the other day but it got ruined 12 chapters in because the writer had started watching super #and completely changed the plit of the fic and goku's character to fit into the world where super resides and it made me want to eat glass #I will be more funny and talk about better dbz related stuff soon I prommy <3 #star scrambles

[july-19th-club]

me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

#kjalkjsdalkjasdl mrs button was a nice lady but not one adult in my childhood ever seemed to notice what to me now seems like #a pretty obvious case of the autisms #then again maybe they just didn't look as hard unless it was *really* obvious back then . it was like. what. 2000? a couple years later #everybody was talking about autism but not when i was six or seven then it was usually just when it was Very Visible #a couple years later my cousin who's more visibly on the spectrum than me got her diagnosis so young that she's pretty much always had it #which is...well i think it's just made her life difficult in a different way. people underestimate her or don't treat her like she's her age #but then she's always had the opportunity to get accommodations and people are sometimes more forgiving when she can't do something #whereas i got labeled 'kid that should be ahead of the game' from a pretty young age and then when i struggled adults either ignored it #or it was just a huge hassle to them and even i could see it exasperated them to have to work around me #but because mrs button (nice lady but what were you thinking) hadn't told them to treat me like a kid with a developmental disorder #they didn't do that in good OR bad ways . so i never got any accommodations with school stuff i struggled with which was a fair bit #i wasn't supposed to need extra testing time in a quiet room or tutoring with math or help organizing my abysmally scattered things #the only time i DID get that was in sixth grade when i was sort-of friends with this kid jonathan who was Very On The Spectrum #he wasn't really a talker unless it was about whatever he was reading which suited me fine so we just kind of existed in each other's space #and his TSS was this very smart and nice lady who had clearly clocked that Something Was Going On With Me and even though it wasn't like #her JOB she made a little bit of time for me. mostly with emotional stuff (i think i was under the impression she was a therapist?) #but if i had some problem with being unable to keep friends or being frozen out by the kids i wanted to be liked by (happened often) #she'd be able to just like. be there she'd make the time . wish i could remember her name

[tenok]

.

#I want complaine not only about bad takes in this fandom but also about theories that just!! so!! stupid!! but also I'm a good person that #doesn't shit on other people's fun #so I mostly suffer in silence #and block people in bunches #'you see! this theory absolutely doesn't take agency from character and doesn't minimize emotional impact!' #says person about theory that roughly summariasized as 'Crowley AGAIN knows more than Aziraphale and it's all so SAD because if only #Aziraphale knew he wouldn't make this desicion!' #I want to scream #somehow it also never about what kind of monster Crowley would be to willingly hide memories Aziraphale supposedly erised and never gave it #back in whole four years they had before season two #like. maybe not be a cowards and embrace 'I was a pussy and somehow didn't get a courage to RESTORE MY FRIEND'S MEMORY with some kind of #VITAL INFORMATION that could've IMPACT HIS LIFE OR DEAT DESICIONS #and now he's in place where he could be abused erased or killed and IT'S MY FAULT' angle hmmm? #at least it could've made it interesting #but noooo #also how the fuck them kissing in 1941 should've impact Aziraphale's desicion anyway I can't get logic behind this theories #(the angle with 'memories are not about some stupid kiss but about what Crowley saw in heavens' could've work but like first: Crowley didn' #saw anything Aziraphale won't hear from Metatron in next scene or can extrapolate using base logic #and anyway if Crowley wanted to use it as argument he like. should've start with it and not with 'blah blah you're an idiot we should run #from earth' #AT BEST I could've get behind him giving Aziraphale some kind of weapon or possibility of safe out or like. hell's fire to self destruct as #last resort. but memories? and especially Aziraphale's memories??) #anyway yes it's me being a hater. I just have no place to vent about it but I sure hope that no one that likes this theories will see it. #you do you!!! but I hate it so much!!!

[adore-gregor]

study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true

#my advice #but this saying is sooo true #i know some people at uni who study for exam so long and hard but then fail or just barely make it :( #like what are you doing? i don't mean this in a mean way but it doesn't have to be this difficult #i don't understand how some people can study for an exam for 2 weeks or even a month and still fail and i don't think they're stupid #or i don't see myself as particulary smart #but i guess they just waste their time a lot and i realized studying effective is so important #now everyone is a bit different and has to find what works best for them but there are certain techniques which are proven to work well #there is so much information on the internet on this look it up seriously #it made my life sm easier i never struggled in uni like i did in school and i get good grades #and if i ever struggled a bit it was because i started so late it was almost impossible to pass 😂 #which is why to do both is still best 😂 #but i actually always made it and i never failed an exam at uni (which i studied for) #(two i was fooled into to just try without studying bc it's easy lol) #i mean i shouldn't speak too soon but i already made it through some of the most difficult of my studies #ofc it depends on what you study how well this works but i'm speaking for myself #i once passed an exam with a B studying only 2 days as one of the best students while others studied 2 weeks #and got worse grades or failed #still studying only 2 days is stupidity don't do it 😅 #so the techniques i find very helpful are ofc exam questions probably the best one #if there are none make your own #then blurting for which there are different ways but i like to just go over a topic and then write down everything i remember #then fill the gaps #quizlet is also great it's an app which allows you to create cards and then tests you in creative ways #videos can be helpful as well for summaries and using summaries in general is normally enough it saves you sm time #normally you don't actually need to know everything but you should be careful it's not a bad summary leaving out too much 😅 #and i also like mindmaps bc i'm a very visual person #but all those tipps are mostly for remembering information so it doesn't work so well for other fields of study #well i hope this is somewhat helpful idk 🙈 #oh and reading texts over and over again is the most useless in my opinion i don't remember much at all and it takes sm time

[mermaidsirennikita]

saw the "who's your most underrated Kleypas hero" question getting bandied about (again) today, and I must say, the only answers I'll accept are:

--John McKenna/Again the Magic (I'd argue that AtM is not the DEEP CUT newer Kleypas readers think it is; before I read it, it was definitely upheld as a classic of hers, but people who want the softer boys she writes in the Ravenels... may not like this one; however, McKenna fucks RIDICULOUS lbr)

--Alex, Lord Raiford/Then Came You (yes... he calls her a bitch.... and I'll be real this made me love him more... he carried her over his shoulder outta Craven's and bought her a bear I'm VERY confident in this choice)

--Kev Merripen/Seduce Me at Sunrise (thought he'd kill Win with his massive dick, tied her up and took her to his fuck cottage, is Heathcliff if Heathcliff wasn't horrible basically)

--Leo Hathaway/Married by Morning (fun bout wounded king, "haha" in the streets and "oh shit" in the sheets, notable for making Catherine ask him to touch her pussy in explicit and specific language)

#romance novel blogging #besides rhys winterborne............ ravenel heroes are kinda mid! i'll be honest! #'but what of five feelings tom' his book bored me i'll try it again someday #west ravenel is the greatest disappointment of my life #gabriel and keir struggled under the weight of their father's slutty slutty legacy #devon was fine. but only fine. #don't even talk to me about ethan #mostly bc i don't remember a single defining feature #i just think the ravenels is a perfectly fine series #but to me it is truly dumbed down kleypas #it's kleypas for people who can't handle sebastian kidnapping lillian #or derek craven fucking that sex worker #or derek craven doing a minor stranglehold on a very bad lady #or alex calling lily a bitch (THERE ARE REASONS) #or kev refusing to take responsibility for tittygate bc he was very down on himself and also bc his dick might kill her #or mckenna spending literal years plotting aline's downfall lmao #leo is honestly p normal but he WAS a sad alcoholic!!! #(never mind westcliff being like 'well she seems into when she's blackout and that's good enough for me') #i just think the ravenels was written with the idea of appealing to people who don't go hard w historicals basically #and that doesn't mean you can't like it! i like several! including the one everyone hates! #but even the ones i like.... aside from MW i feel like there's some magic missing #and i think the magic is a lack of inhibition #and don't get me wrong lol she published bad books before the ravenels #books much worse than the ravenels #but like. idk. i just don't know how you can read like the ravenels #then go back and read the wallflowers or DoY or AtM #and not notice... a quality difference

[icewindandboringhorror]

Hrmm... put together a roommates quiz finally after years of thinking it would be an interesting idea lol.. Though obviously not meant to be taken super seriously, I just like thinking about this aspect of personality compatibility. Like yeah, maybe you could get along with someone just chatting with them, but living together is such a different thing. .. curiouse...

#Not that I think that many people would really care since I barely know anyone on tumblr in real life and would never live with random #internet strangers lol but... idk.. I made this to give to friends from time to time and thought... why not post it here too #just out of sheer curiosity if anyone takes it what the most common results would be and etc. #My initial assumption is that most people would probably fall into the 'maybe' category and that either extreme of 'best roomates' #and 'worst roomates' would be the least common #very long also since I like to be thorough I guess #THOUGH... upon second thought... tumblr is home of the like Weird Introverts Who Sit Inside All The Time.. so maybe it's more #likely to come across compatible poeple on here. given that many of the questions are about how meticulous #people are with their scehdules or how often they invite friends over or if they like to mostly stay inside etc. #(since personally I think having a roommate coming and going and bringing random people over all the time would be too chaotic #lol... I need a peaceful quiet household) #Also I kind of don't like the way uquiz seems to do results. I was hoping it would be a number tally? I used some sort of quiz making site #before where you weight the question responses with a number (so the 'Best' response is worth a 0 #The worst is worth like 5 points. and all the in between are like 1 - 4 points or something). So then it is actually possible to have a #''perfect score'' category (someone who gets a literal 0 points). and also you could weight some EXTREMELY bad answers #to add like +10 to the score instead of just +5. And someone who got the MAX possible points would be the WORST compatibility. etc. #But uquiz seems to just be like ''which category did you score towards the MOST'. So someone can give some pretty bad answers #that are VERY non compatible. but as long as MOST of their answers landed in a 'compatible' category #then they would still be listed as compatible despite still actually having some dealbreakers in there. Which is also possible with the #'every answer is a number amount' ranking system too. but I feel like that one does allow for a little more customization #and accuracy (like making the dealbreakers add like...+40 to the score or something so that #there's basically NO way that someone could answer with one of those and still get a good score. Or the ability to have a literal #'perfect score' (getting a zero) etc. #BUt anyway lol... inchresting.. inchresting... curious to consider maybe making a uquiz #for the characters in the gameI'm making like.. which npc are you type quiz or something #now that I've made one and seen how it works.. hrmm hrmm.... #(< game will not even be done for like another year but still thinking about nonsense like this lol)

[ipatrichor]

actually i think one of the things in outsiders that really fucked me up was one of owen's turns of phrase

when magic tricks him and goes into the maze alone, only surviving because he figures out what happened quick enough to follow & rescue her, he tells her that he's never going to stop coming after her (to make sure she's safe, to protect her)

and then after owen's gotten his memories back, he tells apo that he's never going to stop coming after him (to hunt him down, to kill him)

#i am never going to be normal about phrases being repeated with a different meaning #and i think this one especially fucks me up because it really hammers home the difference between owen at his core #(wanting to keep people safe. living to protect. loving his friends so so much hed do anything to keep them alive & happy) #and the person he became as a result of the trauma he experienced and the actions he took and life he led because if it #i think the real tragedy of this character lies in that we see who he couldve been!!! he was Good and he loved so much & tried so hard #but he lost his support system (mostly apo but also rasbi + graecie) and just. never quite learned to trust/rely on the others #because he believed what angel said- he can't show them weakness. theyre counting on him so he has to stay strong for them no matter what #i fully believe that if things had been different he could have overcome his past after remembering. if that support system had been built #i think he wouldve had a chance at least. #and thats the tragedy. he was so caught up in being their rock that they didnt know how to love him and he didnt know how to let them #after apo and angel he didnt let anyone in enough that they couldve changed his mind #so of course no one could save him. he would never have let them #anyway this smp fucked me up real bad. i think it did something to my brain pathways i think theyre realigned #pat.txt

[bangcakes]

.

#whats so disturbing. mostly bc i used to be so content being independent #is that whenever im somewhere. be it alone. or with other ppl. i always wish he was with me NXJZJZJZMMZMZMZZMMZ #LIKE THAT IS SO........... XJJZJKZKZKZK GOD #i went to like. a market today n the whole time i was like... man itd have been so fun if he was here ..... JDJSJZJZM GOD #i have it so bad #but i was always like. if i find someone i like hangjng out with more than i like being by myself... obvi thats the person for me #but when i said that. i kind of assumed that was an Impossibility but oh the turn tables JJXJXJXMXJZJZM #n e way. its just me writing another lovesick post JDJDMJDJDJDJS #personal #im getting close to making a move i think. but kind of want to settle in my job first. and like jddjddjjkdk he Knows i just got one after #looking for a long time so i think hes like. understanding that we havent seen each other Njdjdjz LOL IDK. im just assuming #we have talked consistently every week tho since i last saw him. which is pretty good for us tbh #idk i like that we dont have to talk all the time. i always hated when guys message constantly JDNDJDNZNDN like leave me alone i have a life #JDJDJDJSJZMZ #but yeah... im not worried anymore nor do i feel the need to constantly validate whether he likes me or not. i think at this point its... #clear JDJDJDJJDKXKXJX #WATCH ME BE WRONG LMAO GOD. #ah well... things will turn out how they turn out

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: March 26

"Songs About Rain" by Gary Allan

#song of the day #you might think that this is the opposite of 'Groovy Little Summer Song' but nope! closer to same because (drumroll) #they are one of the very best categories of thing: Country Songs About Country Songs #I love them. I adore them #'Songs About Rain' is one of the strongest and best examples of type I have (also 'Cheatin Songs' by Midland. impeccable) #'and it sure ain't easin my pain / all these songs like / Rainy Night in Georgia / Kentucky Rain #Here Comes That Rainy Day Feelin Again / Blues Eyes Cryin in the Early Mornin Rain #they go on and on and there's no two the same / oh it would be easy to blame / all these songs about rain' #what a gift. what a delight. legitimately hard to sing this song in a mournful voice because it makes me so damn happy #anyway as you might glean from how this is posting at 3 pm my time: my sleep schedule is /fucked/ #I did have part of the bad conversation with my boss on Monday (immediately followed by garden times #which so overtook me that I spoke only about the garden and good spring feeling in my song post. what a blessing the garden is) #but mostly what happened is I said 'hey it is technically possible for me to make this but it will not help it will not do anything useful' #and my boss said 'but you can make it' and I said 'yes but we shouldn't. it will be a waste of time' and she said 'make it by Thursday' #and I said 'I absolutely cannot make it by Thursday. if I finish instead this better thing I've already been working on--' #and she said 'no we don't care about that thing. make part of the useless thing. by Thursday morning' #and I said 'if I bring you part of the useless thing and part of the good thing and I directly compare them in front of you--' #and she said 'we'll look at whatever you have Thursday morning but it's the useless thing we care about' #so the meeting is scheduled and I'm going to plead for the life of my better thing and probably the best I'll get is permission to do both #which is. I mean the useless thing is going to be a time-waster for sure but at least it won't be actively detrimental to anything? #it'll be fine I'll make it be fine. the inherent problems of when your boss doesn't actually know what you do for them I guess :/ #(also maybe. maybe if it comes down to it. maybe I'll just make the good thing for myself and use it to make my own life better #and someday maybe they'll ask for a project that works and then I'll be able to dramatically unveil it but either way I'll benefit from it #hmm maybe yeah)

[cleargreyskies]

Nothing like the end of a year to really drive home your feelings of loneliness.

(some venting in the tags, it's that time of the year again. also to the two people from offline life potentially reading this: this is obviously not about you and I care about you deeply)

#delete later #i might leave this city next year and i do not have any friends elsewhere and even the ones here are not enough. it scares me. #justo nce i would like to spend new year's eve with a group of friends who care about each other and me #i love my girlfriend and i am so happy to spend time with her and looking forward to shared celebrations and all. i just need some other #additional connections somewhere and at this time of the year the loneliness that is pretty much part of my personality now always gets the #better of me. #i felt fine and mostly content with my social life in summer. #but the uncertain future and the already existing lack of deeper connections in a quantity and also qulaity that would be good for me is #draining. #i am also behind on work and stressed and my mother has a broken leg and can't move much so christmas will be bleaker than usual already. #actually everything combined might just be something to talk to the university's mental health counseling again. you don't always have to b #at breaking point to ask for some guidance. #/end of oversharing #ergh rereading this makes me want to delete it right away but this is still my diary so #i also have to add that i am making some efforts. i go to a martial arts class. i play d&d with some people (admittedly my flatmate and my #gf + 3 others). i go swimming with my gf + 2 people. i am active in a nature conservation group at my university. just - everyone there #always seems to have enough close connections already AND i am scared to get too close to people i might have to leave behind. #typing this out has actually helped me get some ideas on what to do. so i am cringing less about having put this out there. #still feeling bad but willing to make an effort #personal log

[milkweedman]

Things recently. That damn commission scarf is taking up almost all my time recently, but there is finally light at the end of the tunnel (im working on stripe 11 of 17, and promised to have it all done by the 14th... which means a little walkin around money for the fiber festival on the 15th >:) very excited).

Have been experimenting with the dutch oven, bc ive never used one and its very small. Liking the results though.

Also have been frequenting the farmer stall at the nursery down the street and got a few of the last of this years peaches, which resulted in two jars of very nice peach jam and a small jar of peach syrup, which my sister is gonna take for a chicken of the woods and waffles feast her friend is doing next week. Had some of the excess jam on some poppyseed bread toast and it was very good--light and tart and summery. The plan for this winter is lots of bread and jam and welsh cakes and barmbrack and pirozhkiy. Looking forward to it somewhat, altho i have a feeling its going to be a very cold winter this year. Also, not sure if i should plant the leeks right now so we can harvest some baby ones in the winter... my sister is obsessed with the idea of glamorgan sausages and it would be nice to try with leeks from the garden...

#baking #canning #has been a day. spent all night curled up on the heating pad waking up every few hours in horrible pain because it turns off automatically #and spent all day doing mostly the same thing on the couch watching my sister play skyrim and knitting #and also making a tiny loaf of bread and the jams and syrup #and have had a bad headache #finally got a referral to a neurologist tho ! thats a plus #so yeah. long day. everything hurts but at least food is good and heating pads exist #and tea. glad tea also exists #my sole water intake rn is from irish breakfast tea..... #blegh also just finished my last cigarette. have been struggling with it recently #wanting to quit bc it doesnt feel good anymore and just makes my chest feel sick #but then i go a few days without and have one and its good again. so good and makes me feel human #idk. ive been smoking since i was like what... 12 or 13 ? #almost more of my life smoking than not. hard to quit just bc i just crave the routine and the sameness #i know a few autistics who are similar and have been smoking a long time as well #anyway... i am gonna go buy another pack. and finish knitting the stripe. and go to bed #chronic illness

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it? #idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated

[byanyan]

What tarot card are you?

the star

ㅤthere is something wonderful stirring in the depths of your being. something within you– something latent– is sleeping there, in the cradle of your mind. creativity comes naturally to you, just as breathing or blinking. you have the capability to extend yourself through art. but are you afraid of it? creating something– terribly afraid that it will never be as good as you hope? it will never be made unless you use your own hands. NUMBER: 17 UPRIGHT: hope, faith, purpose, renewal, spirituality REVERSED: lack of faith, despair, self-trust, disconnection

tagged by:ㅤ@mirrordread ♡♡♡

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ dash meme. #yes. YES. there's a reason they don't share their art often #or very openly #and it's that fear of being told that it isn't good #their whole life they've had the things they're not good at - school-related things mostly - thrown in their face #like. never given a chance to forget it. #everything they're good at is the sort of thing that doesn't get praise and instead is looked down upon - fighting stealing etc. #art is the one exception. it's the one talent they have (in their mind) that others might approve of #but they're afraid to share it bc what if it's not as good as they think? what if they're bad at it like they are everything else? #if someone were to tell them their art is bad it might actually break them ngl #SO YEAH they're pretty protective of it #they don't even put their all into their art classes bc they're afraid of the critique that might result #i need to stop these tags are too long but i'm on a roll here