#yeah I have a therapist and I'm working on it

[thebibliosphere]

I probably have hEDS, have had tense muscles since I was 8 and more and more of my joints started to be in constant pain, 10 years spine, 14 years hips, then hands at 19 and now all of them. And though I'm over 40 and don't practice any stretching, I still can contort myself in any direction.

But I don't know if it's worth the energy to fight for a diagnosis? Because it doesn't seem like there is any help, other than mild painkillers and physiotherapy, and I already get that. It is so much work to convince doctors to look into the source of joint pain, as soon as they can rule out rheumatoid arthritis they stop caring. And I don't belive I will get stronger painkillers even with a diagnosis anyway.

Do you think a diagnosis is woth the hassel?

For me, diagnosis was worth it because it meant getting the correct kind of physical therapy, which is often very different from the regular kind you usually get if the physical therapist is good at their job.

Regular PT used to damage my joints more. PT designed to target hypermobility has actually helped build joint stability, retrain my muscles, and reduce some of my pain by lessening the frequency of injuries.

It’s also good to know because hEDS affects more than just your joints.

I have a lot of problems with my internal organs due to how my connective tissue is affected, and my brother, who is undiagnosed but likely affected, suffered from spontaneous retina detachment twice. When I mentioned it to my eye doctor he said, “yeah, that happens to you zebras” and now I get my retinal health assessed every six months because fuck that.

It can also be good to know because of how it affects your care during things like surgery, ranging from which anesthesia they use to the type of sutures required.

When my mother had a mastectomy, she experienced several surgical complications, including not being able to get the wound site to close, so they kept dragging her back into surgery.

When I found out, I told my dad the surgical team needed to know my mother likely had hEDS because I did, and my mother and I are carbon copies of each other. When my dad told the surgeon, he apparently said, “Well, if I’d known that, I’d have done the whole thing differently!” and finally got my mother stitched up properly and into recovery.

In that regard, my diagnosis helped not just me but a family member, but also indicated the type of care I’ll likely need if I’m ever in the same situation.

So, yes, it's a hassle to get diagnosed and some (bad) doctors will frame it in terms of “there’s no cure so there’s no point.”

But for me, it’s not only been worth it but also vital to the management of the rest of my care. And let me be clear, there are some people for whom this is just a crappy joint disorder, and they are otherwise fine. But for many of us, we’re more than just our fucky joints. We’re an entire plethora of health problems that all cascade from our weak connective tissue, and it's important more people recognize that.

So is it worth it for you? That's a you decision. But it was very much worth it for me.

I wish you luck and fewer days of pain. This shit sucks.

#chronic health tag #tw body injury #ehlers danlos syndrome

[dremiru]

alright i was planning to put out a big celebratory nublar six fanart for chaos theory day but since its 10 and I'm only done with darius I'm putting a pin in that and instead posting the notes i took at the time while watching the show!!

BIG JURASSIC WORLD CHAOS THEORY SPOILERS AHEAD

I'm going to come out with more sane-sounding analyses and all when i calm down so stick around for that -> for this i was just writing down whatever was in my head while watching but it's still fun!! (italicized the best fragments)

episode 1: - oh my fucking god bens a redditor. my sweet boy what have u done to him - darius calling brooklynn just to hear her voice made me tear up :(( - oh my GOD i missed benrius so so much

episode 2: - HE TURNED HIS VAN INTO A HUGE DORK POUCH AWWW LOVE THIS LITTLE (BIG) GUY - "guess we could've looked that up but… well…" BEN. - WHAT THE FUCK WHATTHEFUCK BEN AND BROOKLYNN WHY ARE U DOING THIS TO ME - SHES SO CUTE…… - im crying,,,, - brookes an investigative journalist awww that fits her so well - them bonding over dark jurrassic i CANNOT - ben being obsessive and dealing with constant anxiety ahhh - darius just called ben 'benjamin' i am in shambles - ohhhwwhbgb theyre fighting over trust and brooklynn and ughghhh my babies - awww bonding over candy i MISSED THEM SO MUCH

episode 3: - SAMMY LIVING ON HER FARM AHH - she doesnt talk to her parents anymore??? girl we all KNOW you care, you loved them SO MUCH?? she sacrificed so much for them what the hell happened - BUMPER CARRRRR SHES HEERREEEEEE - AWWW HER AND BENS REUNION!!!!!!! - ben defending bumpy. also i dont like carlos - SAMMY GIRLIE I LOVE U SO MUCH PLEASE GO SEE A THERAPIST. AVOIDING UR PROBLEMS BY KEEPING URSELF BUSY ISN'T HEALTHY. PLEASE - WHATTHEFUCK WHATTHEFUCK HER SEEING BROOKE I AM IN SHAMBLES - SAMMY GUTTIEREZ. STOP. - THE TEARS IN HER EYES - OH MY GOD IM SOBBING WHAT THE FUCK - "And what, Darius? Stop and think about Brooklynn dying, or my family not speaking to me, or Yaz pulling away from me? No. I… I can't stop. I won't." JESUS FUCGIN CHRSIT WHY - ^ im gonna have to post a whole analysis on this scene because wgat the fuck man - seeing them back in their 'hiding from the dinos' selves fbiudsjkbgfskd - Sammy with Brookes jacket awhghh - ^ also i STILL believe Brooklynns alive I DONT CARE WGAT ANYBODY SAYS PKAEASE - ^^ HHDFUSIGIF - alr this is the 2nd scene involving cars and jumping i have to start counting - ok ths is building up GOOD

episode 4: - ben being emo and sighing so somebody would notice him BROO - THEYRE SO CUTE?? benrius married for the double income shenanigans - YEAH BUMPYS A BOSS SHELL BE FINE - BGFDHUJKH THEYRE ADORABLE - i didn't know i needed benrius conspiring together until we got it - BEN HAS A GIRLFRIEND. !!!! - DARIUSES FLASHBACK SJIT?? - these children. (theyre older than me now i think) - oh my fucking god theyre all so traumatised - DARIUS AND KENJI ARENT ON SPEAKING TERMS. THE HELL. - KENJIIIII HEIII!!! - HES IGNORING HIM. WHAT THE FUVKING HWELL - hes an eat-love-climb kinda guyy - WHYRE THEY FIGHTINGG - oh hes BLAMING DARIUS for brooklynn? KENJI KON WHAT THE FUCK - she went to see daniel?????? why. - SAM CALLING YASMINA ALL THE TIME I - KENJ AND DARIUS WITH TRUST - sammy ranting about yaz doing things she doesn't like i- PLEASE communicate. i beg u creator gods make them actually TALK to each other - "I think we should split up." "gasp you and yaz?!" "what?! noo! us! the three of us!!! …why, did she say somethin'?" OH MY GODSHBKJG HOW BAD IS THEIR SITUATION IM SCARED - sammy just tickled the keys off him - THEY LEFT DARIUS TO DEAL WITH IT. - okay them having the emotional conversation ON THE CLIFFSIDE. ok. - KENJI BROKE UP W HER?? alright were getting dinostar then right - ^ christ man i am too good at guessing these things - DARIUS NOT KNOWING HOW CLIMBING ROPES WORK LMAO - okay B&Kenji were cute im gonna miss them - but Brooklynn ignoring him,,, JUSTIFIES IT. I GET IT KENJ OK - POOR KENJI??? WTF??????????? - OH GODFFDHGFBV AND BEFORE HER DEATH TOO WHY - OKAY i get that i should pay more attention to the dinostar crumbs and all but all i feel rn is sympathy for kenji. hes been done wrong ENTIRELY in this scenario and just. man. - HTEY GOT BUMPY

episode 5: - aiaiai darius babY PLEASE - make them COMMUNICATE. PKEAFEEE - kenji calls ds mom more than he does whagthehellman - SAMS STILL CALLING YAZ AGHHH - OK THE TEARS IN HER EYES STOP IT - her and 'benjamin' bickering AHH - SHES SOOOO GIRLBOSS I LOVE LVOE HER - WTF THAT GUYS AN ASSHOLE?? - aaand THEYRE FREEING THE DINOS! - FHUCkin daniel kon - AHH THEYRE SO CUTESY - BEN SUSPECTING SAMMY. AND JUST SAMMY. WHAT THE FUCK - 'but i promise, I do trust you. now.' OOOHHHH MY SWEET SWEET DUDEEE. FUCK U - i get WHY i GUESSS, with his paranoia and all but thats an ASSHOLE move - daniel and kenji ermmbnbgvjsdk - HES TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM AGAAAINN DUDE ITS GETTING BORING - w6AT. TF. KENJI - ooh the good ol dino chase!! - SAMMY BEING A GOOD FIGHTER AWHGHH - WFAH THAT SCARED ME - ok they made up!! - I KNEW THIS GUY WAS AWFUL - OKAYYYYY KENJ YESSS TALK ABOUT IT!!! FINALLYYYY COMMUNICATIONNNN - YESWSS AHDJFSN THEYRE TALKING - I LOVE THIS SO MUCH TEARS FLOWING DOWN MY CHEEKS AHFGDS - I HATE THIS FUCKING GUY AIGERG SDFJ - YES KENJI GO OFF BITCH!!!!!! - brooke… whatttth, - TF WAS SHE DOING - OH MY FUCKING GOD THE SCREAM I SCREAMT WHEN I SAW THIS DINOSAUR CONTROLLING PERSON NIGHTMARE FUCKING FUEL - WHAT THE FGUCK WHYS SHE SO UNCANNY VALLEY I LITTERALLY JUMPED AND MOVED AWAY IMMEDIATELY - oh he doesnt die :( - still WHO IS THAT?? - oh he does die :) - fr tho - KENJI POOR BABY IM SO SORRY. as if he didnt go through enough already.. - WHY TEHGFHBVCKJS OH WHO ARE U U EERIE FUCKIN - is kenj having a panic attack!!!! - BCFHSDKJFBJKDBFKJVX THEYRE SO CUFKING SCARY WHY ARE THEIR MOVEMENTS SO MECHANICAL - KENJI SAYING お父さん NOW I AM DDYING. I WILL NOT RECOVER.

episode 6: - SHITTTT YAZ'S HEREEE - ohhhh fuck shes dealing with A LOT - DARLING U OK??? - THE FLASHBACKS ARE TERRIFYING - shes so pretty!!!! - BROOKLYNN BITCH WHTWS FD - THEYRE SOOOOO CUTEEEEE - I LOVE HOW YAZS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES HAVE BEEN AND STILL ARE PORTRAYED - I'm SO glad to see her dealing with everything and slowly getting over some of her trauma - ooh ok YAZ AND SAMMY - THEYRE SO HSGDIUF - okay so the solution to the problem is. TALK. its just. TALK TO EACH OTHER. - AWHH OK SHES NOT READY I SUPPOSEE - SHIT sam bb i get protecting the ones u love. but u shouldnt hide things from ur gf just so she doesnt feel bad. especially things so huge. - AND YAZ. babygirl. you shouldn't avoid your gf if shes doing something ure uncomfortable with. you shouldn't ignore her and make her feel bad abt it. YASAMY. THIS IS AN INTERVENSION. TALK TO EACH OTHER. ACTUALLY. PLEASE - ^ this is me showing how much im loving this storyline. VERY annoyed. love angst in fav ships. GOTTA HAVE SOME SPICE ONCE IN A WHILE I GET IT - ^^ but if they break up im killing myself - sammY PLEASEEFH DONT ASSUME JUST TALK. PTSD/MENTAL HEALTH IN GENERAL ISNT THAT SIMPLE - theyre both doing wrong things AND I JUST AGHHH -ALTHOUGHH when they finally DO communicate itll be SOO satysfying - EEEE HERE THEY AREEEEEEE - awkward. a little. BUT SWEET - OK NO I CHANGED MY MIND THEYRE SOOOO CUTEEEE - and ben and yazs friendship AGHGHHHG - therapy island. awh okayy!! - YAZS SO PASSIONATE I LOVE IT - 'ohohohhh… let me show u!… benny boy' - this is GOOD. it IS impressive!! - SAMMY STOP IT - YES YASMINA TALK ABOUT IT - I AM LOVING THIS OH MY GOD - JESUS CHRIST BEN - NAH WHAT THE FUCK - WHY. BENJAMIN. - yasammyyyyyy i love u to hell and back WHY R U LIKE THIS - ben&yaz bonding!!!! - YEAHHH SHES HAPPY FOR UUUU - THE BESTIESSSS - OH MY GOD THE FUCKING DINOSAURS ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING - ohhh this isnt good!!! - OHHKAY THE GUYS DEAD WHAT THE FUCK - jumping car scene count: 3 - 'big bens got moves' SHE SAID THE LINE - i feel like DPW is gonna play a bigger role in this - ^AND IM RIGHT. - WGAT THE FUCNK

episode 7: - OHKAY WHATS GOING ON - theyre up buttt….. what the hell r they gonna do. they either drown or get eaten by a dino. - YASAMMMYYYYY I MISSED U SO MUCH - AND THEYRE SPEAKING AND SHJOWING AND HFUDSI - okay KENJIS HABING A PANIC ATTACK I AM - quick break to say the mental health representation and how its done in this show is one of the best examples on how to portray mentally unwell characters I've seen lately - WTF DOES THIS GUY HAVE TO DO WITH THIS - bens soggy van is what ure complaining about rn guttierez??? - OK THE SCENE OF BS DEATH I CANT IM SOBBING - them both reaching for the phone ok. - THEYRE ALIVE, - YASAMMYS BACK OFFICIALLY PEOPLE I AM SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP - ben respectfully i love u but that van wouldve died of old age in a matter of a week - SHE HAD A PLACE - he finally got to throw them phones away - I AM SCREAMING OVER THESE YASAMMY MOMENTS IM AHGFSFJSV - 'oh i am so gonna hunt them from beyond the grave' yasmina fadoula will u marry me - oh right they dont have their phones so theyre not gonna be able to find each other - ok so if im picking up what theyre putting down correctly brooklynn was investigating illegall DPW dinosaur dropoffs?? - cant tell if kenjis coming to terms with it or being jealous - WHAT THE FUCK OK SHE EITHER GOT REALLY INTO THAT INVESTIGATING OR SHES ACTUALLY WENT CRAZY - ok this kenji sequence questioning scene was amazing

episode 8: - wgat the aHELL wr they doin - ok darius and kenji awkwardly connecting. good - ^and darius being protective around kenj over brooklynns phone since he left so many voicemails that he doesnt want him to hear? jesus christ man - OKAY my favourite little trio in a truck with a dinosaur chat do we think theyll survive this - tbh the amount of times in these kids lives where the probablity of survival was scary low is. er. sad - ^ not only for them cause of trauma and stuff but for the random bg characters - dude dies after seeing a dino ONCE but six random kids? yeah theyll survive DOZENS without help - quickly ill just say we need a name for the lesbians and their emotional support muscle wall. their dynamic is superb - the kenji and brooklynn video I LOVE THEM - BABYTALK - . POOKIE BEAR. KENJI WENJI. - shit fuckballs they're fighting again - darius. just. talk? - YES THIS IS GOOD TOO THIS IS GOOD - that CAN be a coping mechanism i GUESSS - what. who r u - DPW BOSS? - YEAH I THOUGHT THEYD FALL FOR THAT AGAIN THANK GOD - YOU WERE IN WHAT WITH WHO NOW - ^WHAT THHFSDN - ^^I WAS EXPECTING THIS HIGHKEY BUT STILL - ^^^ its good that he told kenji about this - ^^^^ and its GREAT that kenji's understanding - is this THE video??? - SHE IS WHAT NOW - maybe this is how they get to take these dinos away?? by pretending the dinos are dead in the face of the law?? - 'ooh heyyy!. boo.' I LOVE U GUYS - it IS the video. - OK BUT A LITTLE BIT LONGER - if i was in dariuses place i would NEVER recover - KENJI RESPECTFULLY DON;T - ^DONT BLAME HIM???? - please dont let this be the scary lady - YEAH KENJ ATLEAST URE RESPECTFUL - whats going on with bumpy. - YASAMMMY I WANNA INJECT U INTO MY VEINS - SHESAIDTHELINESHESAIDTHELINE - ^ 'wanna make a little chaos?' WHAT IF I DIE. WHAT IF I DIE YASMINA. WHAT THEN. - 'maybe. maybe not!!!!' BABIES?? - r the dinos drugged or controlled with the same method the inhumane ladys using - ^or are they tranqued out of their minds. idk. - OH SHIT? THEY SHOULDNT KILL AT THE WATERING HOLE guess it isnt really that is it - BENJAMIN NO

episode 9: - now SAMMYS anxiety's spiking - ok bens gonna not die hopefully?? - i love them stalking. the little creepers. hehe - BUMPER CARRR WHATS GOING ON - ^ is she drugged or smth :((( - ^^^maybe shes pregnant?? but idk idk i dont think so - ^^^^ fucking forshadowing - ^^^^^ i sincerely hope its more positive than im thinking - COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!! YESSSS!!! - theyre the cutest!!!! Yasammy charades level teamwork!!!!! - ok i love both the teams - kenji and darius sticking up for each other despite everything. DO THEY WANNA MAKE ME SUFFER - the kon puns im crying - KENJI HELPING DARIUS CLIMB IM SCREAMING - ok quick intermission i LOVE yazs design shes so cute - hndsgjkb JUST FIND EACH OTHER ALREADY - BENJAMIN CMON U GOTTA SAVE HER - 'Are you dying?' WHATRF ESDGUHKUFDGKJBFDXBFVGBUFIDCFGVBKJSDXBC K EFAHBUISDAGEBDBWAUISDFK - ^ NO - ^^ NO - ^^^ NOOOOOOO - WHATTTTTFDSDGJBMGDF - SHE CANT BE - ILL SOB MY EYES OUT I SWEAR TO GOD - BEN HIDING AND CRYING I - I FEEL U IM DOING THE SAME EXACT THING RN - OKAY THEY KNOW NOW - yaz&sammy&kenji&darius reunion1!!!!1! - ^ AND WHERES BEN - BUMPY. U STRONG STRONG WOMAN. I WANT U TO KNOW THAT IF U DIE. I WILL TOO. - IM GONNA KILL MYSLEF/.

(this i fear is where i realise that im going insane)

- CREEPY MICRO BANGS IS AN AMAZING NAME FOR UNCANNY VALLEY WOMAN YEAH - yeah atp i think weve all figured out its an illegal dino selling business - wGAT - yeah WTF WAS SHE DOING - 'no talk. come quick. bumpys dying.' IM FUCKING DYING TOO!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT OH MY GOD - BUMPER CAR DO NOT. PLEASE. DONT. - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I WAS RIGHT - ^ WTF WTF I - thats an egg. - DONT THINK ABOUT IT BUD.

episode 10: - these kids r so traumatised they do not need this - IS SHE RLY DEAD…. - ok so its two separate factors i think?? DPW on one side, creepy micro bangs on the other. right? - ^ this is delving DEEP into the mystery factor… - BEN WTF!!!!! DONT JUST??? DO THAT???????? - OMFG SHES HERE - ^ I HATE HER IHATEHERIHATEHER - SHES WHY THE DINOS R ACTING WEIRD - WHY IS SHE SO FUCKING UNCANNY I CANNOT - ^ SHES LIKEA CARNIVORE DINOSAUR IF IT WAS A HUMAN - ok so SHES the real boss. the unresponsive. wide eyed. controlling dinosaurs. microbangs. woman. - SWHE KILLED BROOKLYNN. - ^ WHAT THE FUCK. - im ngl i DID kinda dig her vibe but AFTER HEARING THIS I JUST CAngfijbdsuif FUCK U - who THE HELL - GET UR FREAKY ASS BOB AWAY - BRUH PUT THAT FUCKING WHISTLE DOWN - IM GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES OVER THIS LADY - WHAT THE - theyre way too lucky who the hell is driving that truck - i feel like atleast ONE of them shoulda got injured in that fall - OH MATEO!!!! HI BB - OOP CREEPY BANGS DEAD YIPPEE - AND THEYRE ALL GOING BAZONKAS?? BC SHES UNRESPONSIVE I PRESUME? - ALWAYS THE MFING RAPTORS - okay theyre definitely coca in the loca - WGAT TJR FJCUK EPIC EXPLOSION TYRANNOSAURUS REX - ^ R U SLASH J OR SRS RN - JESUS I LOVE THESE KIDs - where's yaz. - SAMMY!!! - 'Hey, Stripey! Leave. My girl. Alone!' YTHIS IS WHY I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW /affectionate - AND THE ALMOST KISS HALF HUG IM KMS - WHY R THEY LIKE THIS - HES LETTING THE ALLOSAURUS OUT???? HUHHHHHHH - DARIUS BOWMAN. - IS HE - IS HE FUCKING - SERIOUS RN - jesus christ this BOY. this BOY man. - DIE - DDDDIIIIIEEEEEE - what tf!!!! the broker??? - we still dont know the creepy bangs name…. - so we're getting a 2nd season right - AWW YASAMMY SHOT - HWRFIUSDHGSFDKHAWVBSDXCZKJLGDHSFKLJGBJKESRDFJ - WHYSDHIFUJDIGVBDFS - WHEN I TELL U I JUMPED I MEAN I JJJUUUUMMMMPPPEEEEDDDD - THIS EERIE ASS BITCH KEEPS ON SHOWING UP WHEN I DONT EXPECT IT - DONT GET ME WRONG - PEAK CHARACTER DESIGN - AND THE LOOK ITSELF IS RLY CUTE AND ALL - BUT IF I SAW A BITCH THAT LOOKED AND BEHAVED LIKE THIS I WOULDVE SCREAMED MY INTESTINES OUT AND RAN ALL THE WAY TO AUSTRALIA - THE CREEPIEST CHARACTER IVE SEEN IN YEARS IM AFRAID - oh she still cares about her dinos!!! this makes her a little more human - a little less scary - ok - her movements r less mechanical more affectionate now - less hvfudignb BIGBFI SHE JUST TURNED - thank GOD shes gone - theyre me - 'well that was… unnerving' WELL SAID - YASAMMY HUG!! - YEAHHHH THE LOOK!! - the regular schmegular 'let's save the day' speech. we gotchu darius!! - GASPPP - ok so UNREQUITED dinostar - OH MY GHRHSIUDF THATS SO FUCKING SAD - DARIUS MY BABY I - YEAH!! SHOW UP!!!!! - ofc they are????? - it IS a very brooklynn thing to fo - you kon count him in too!!! - LMAO MATEO I LOVE YOU - YUP YUP BUMPER CAR NEEDS CARE AND SAFETY - IS THIS THE END??? - please give me atleast one more cryptic scene - OH SHES IN ON IT TOO?/BG - bgiudsfgtbfseruifdgkdfx - I FUCKING TOLDF U - I TOLD U ALL - I SAID IT FIRST - HGIUDFSOI;GT;ERASFOICXLBVNIPGRSD - SHE LOST AN ATM - SHES ALIVE - THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN FUCKING TALKINHG ABOUT - TOLD U SHE COULDNT BE DEAD I MEAN. ITS BROOKLYNN.

(ok all in all. this was. an experience. gonna leave it at that and go take a nap)

#jwct spoilers #jurrassic world chaos theory #jwct #darius bowman #brooklyn jwcc #yasmina fadoula #sammy gutierrez #ben pincus #kenji kon #get ready for a bunch of analyses and all cause MAN #this hyperfixation will last for quite some time

[fenharael]

The next 5 days are going to suck incredible ass but it will only be 5 days and then I'll be home

#when life pelts lemons at your head repeatedly #I was supposed to have fun with my friends this week :| #but now thousands of people are dying and my uncle is dead and I have to fly out of town and I have to make a last min work presentation #and AI bullshit is continuing to creep into my workplace and all these people got fired and I'm starting a higher dose of prozac and #I'm depressed and tired and frustrated and sad and angry and and and and and ans ajsnansndnsjskwjwkdksjaaaasssaaaaaahhhhhhh #I just don't care anymore I'm tired #I'm just really tired and depressed and I'm tired of trying to be positive and happy and not make people worried and not be a burden #yeah I have a therapist and I'm working on it #I'm just tired and stressed out and I have to walk my mom through her trauma and all I want is to stay home #I'm not trying to get attention and I'm fine I just need to vent bc I can't sleep

[deafening-radio-silence]

I think that Dr. Christina "I was an excellent soldier" Raynor needs to deal with some personal things before she's anyone's therapist, because she strong-armed more of Bucky's autonomy away from him than Zemo did within the series.

#yeah man make amends for the shit that happened when you didn't even have control over your own thoughts #so she was giving him a way to “fix things” but that wasn't on him to do so #all she did was doubly reinforce what he already thinks - which is a justified but false and guilt-laden perception - about the situation #idk much about therapy but i don't think that they're sposed to do that. correct me if i'm wrong and then i'll go fight all therapists #bucky barnes #tfaws #alpine #my art #thank you for putting up with my drawings of a comic book character and his asshole cat lol #i had to put my dog down recently in a bad way and i can't rightfully get another house dog with my current work schedule #so i got a cat since they can handle being inside for the day and the shelter lady said she's super antisocial towards other cats #she's super antisocial towards me sometimes too but she sleeps on me at night and my house has never been cleaner #now that i have to vacuum cat fur and mind what i leave lying on the counter #i've never liked cats before but she's special i guess idk ain't everyone's cat special lol #anyway i'll stop using my tumblr blog as a blog now lol

[dimonds456-art]

Maladaptive daydreaming.

#daydreaming #maladaptive daydreaming #maladapting daydreaming disorder #maladaptive behaviors #maladaptive coping #dissociation #immersive daydreaming #dimond speaks #yeah so adding this to my list here lol #my therapist helped me realize i dissociate a LOT and the primary way i do it is through vivid daydreams #they usually happen at work but they also pop up if i'm having a bad day or... anytime really. #i've also come to the realization that i have at least one of these a day which is not good fgsjh #my therapist says they're not inherently bad especially since they do have a positive effect on my emotions (if its a good daydream) #but it's gotten to the point that it's affecting the way i work #and they can last for a LONG time too #i haven't timed them but i do know they've been over 30 minutes at work before #this is either due to ADHD autism PTSD or a mixture of the three lmao #weeeee #anyway. this post isn't really intended to be a vent post #it's more like a 'this is my experience' type post #it just kinda comes across as somewhat vent-y #but that was because i wanted to try and immerse the reader into what its like to have these daydreams #like mine look NOTHING like this but making it more generic would help others understand it #the void is the general dissociation from reality #then you emerge in the dream #i can feel things as if i'm there- the sun the wind and sometimes even physical touch #and i'll stay there until something snaps me out #strangely i can get my work done while i'm doing this- i just wont have any memory of doing so. it's like being on autopilot #anyway. I hope this post was helpful to someone out there #if you also maladaptive daydream YOU ARE NOT ALONE! it's valid and you're not 'faking' anything. it's a genuine trauma response.

[batfamfucker]

There are four main types of Batfam fans in regard to how people interpret Bruce Wayne as a dad (/Joking. This is mostly satire and should not be taken seriously):

Fans that think Bruce is emotionally constipated and isn't the best at being a parent but still tries (Differs per person). Don't necessarily think he's absuive but thinks he can be toxic or have unhealthy expectations for the Robins. Can smell the Oldest Daughter Syndrome coming from Dick and have Family Line (By Conan Gray) as their top song on their Dick inspired playlist and Daddy Issues (By The Neighbourhood) for Jason.

Fans that choose to believe Bruce goes to therapy in their own canon. Love B:WFA. Thinks the comic can be cheesy at times and so find a balance between B:WFA Bruce and Please Go To Therapy BruceTM as their middle ground. He struggles. They advocate that Bruce is not a bad parent, he just has bad writers that seem to forget Bruce wouldn't hurt kids, especially not his own. Love the humane moments and scenes he has in BTAS and the early JL cartoons. He may not be perfect but he's not literally abusive. Whores for Bruce being able to admit when he is wrong and for Jason and Bruce reconciling. I recommend Grow As We Go by Ben Platt for this one.

A mix between the first two. Was fine-ish when Dick was younger. Didn't help him in the healthiest way but eh. Still emotionally constipated but that happened more so after Dick left and Jason died. Started getting better when Tim came back but was still closed off. Should probably go to therapy with the kids so they can drag his ass about all the things he's done that have actually affected them negatively. Understands his mistakes and is also able to admit when he's wrong, eventually. It's not easy but he starts to do better and learns to be more emotionally available. Still has to get chewed out by Alfred sometimes but definitely better than he used to be and it shows. Reconciliation is slow and gradual but progress is made for everyone involved.

The one's I personally avoid for my own sanity and wellbeing:

Think Bruce is a complete bastard and abuser. Want him to choke. Hate any and all interpretations of him. Some of which will refuse to understand how anyone could have a different interpretation. Will point out comics where, in all fairness, he is a dick but forget that characterisation can significantly differ from one series to the next, as comic characters are constantly passed around to different writers and have been for decades. Not to mention movies, shows, etc.

#Bruce Wayne #Batman #Batfam #Batdad #I'm not tagging everyone in the Batfam I can't be assed #Sorry there's like 500 #Bruce has a child for every mental disorder he has #Dick is his ADHD. Jason is his C-PTSD. Tim is his Anxiety. Cass is his OCD. Damian is his Autism. #Like bro the therapist is RIGHT there #You have the money just GO #I am a mix of 2 and 3 tbh but more so 2 because he is my comfort fictional father figure. I already have a shit dad irl #I'm not dealing with it in my favourite media too #Type 4 fans scare me I lowkey see so many people like that and I'm like. If the block button wasn't free. I'd be in debt by now #I get that you saw Tom Kings work. So did I. I hate that fuck. But I personally prefer the scene of him in JL with Ace on the swings #Or the one with him playing with shape block toys with a baby whilst Supes and WW handle the questioning #Or when he hugs literally any of his kids #Or the one of him and Jason watching a movie and eating popcorn when Jason's ill. And they have the picture of them posing #Or when he cried in Flashpoint over the letter his dad left him because the little boy in him needed that #Plus any time Bruce and Clark interact as Best Friends. The Golden Age comics where they were basically Dick's gay dads 💀 #But yeah. I could make a poll from this tbh. #This is a generalisation on purpose genuinely do not take it seriously #If I see ANY disclosure. It's delete and block on sight #Bruh I'm still recovering from the notes of my Fallout 4 John Hancock in a Drag Race outfit crossover post #I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid but that's because I am. You have not seen the things I have seen in my notes #You do not know of the wars I have fought of over ghoul dicks and high heels #I have seen things I can never burn from my vision. Read things I will never have the mercy of forgetting #Over silly little shitposts. Lmao. Anyway. Here. Have some food.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Ok. Get closer why don’t you.

#Chakotay opens the door to Janeway's ready room and the two of them are literally in each other's laps #but they're talking very seriously about work business and seem unperturbed by Chakotay's entrance #<- my ideal (bc I think it's funny) #Chakotay: What are you and Tuvok to each other? #Janeway: ?? He's one of my dearest friends and most valuable officers. #Chakotay: Right. No..it's just that I saw you kiss his hand the other day? As if pledging loyalty to a monarch but more tender than that - #there was a glitter in your eyes like love but to call it 'love' would cheapen it so you leave it unnamed? I just saw that and was curious. #Janeway: That's just a friend thing v_v are we on for dinner? #Chakotay: Sure (later) Hey Tuvok what is Janeway to you? #Tuvok: She is one of the greatest individuals I have ever had the honor of knowing - someone I consider a friend - family - #and a piece of my very soul can be found within her. Why? #Chakotay: Aren't you married? #Tuvok: -equivalent of sighing- it isn't romantic. (right. yeah of course.) #<- my ideal (bc I think it's hilarious) #It isn't romantic Chakotay my God...Have you read any poetry lately? Once you get 1000 hours into ancient poetry THEN maybe you'll get #what's going on #Also sidenote this crew is fucking doomed mental health wise HEHEHE they tried therapy ONCE (after trying 'literally just erase the trauma') #and the therapist FELL ASLEEP #I love these bastards HEHEHEHE #Janeway: Doctor I'm going to do my best to help you...I allowed you to evolve into a being greater than a mere hologram and I owe it to you #to let youzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzsnorkmimimimi #tuvok cam

[mockscreens]

quick life update!

life has been busy for me lately, i'm in a weird place mentally where i've never been happier in my life but i'm realising there's still stuff from the past and anxiety about the future that i still have to work on. creating these lockscreens has sometimes been an escape for me, and sometimes a source of anxiety, nowadays it's pretty neutral? but i realised i work on requests less and that saddens me a bit

for those who are new here, know that i work on my requests when i have the time to do so, and sometimes some requests inspire me more than others. i don't want to put this pressure on myself about this since i don't make a living out of it. it's something i started on a whim but still like to do, even after almost four years! (longest hobby i've ever had, seriously)

i also wanted to say to those who hide their appreciation in the tags, who are so polite and kind when making a request : i see you and you're the thing that encourages me to go on and create these silly edits 💛

anyway, i hope life is kind to everyone reading this, please take care of yourself!

#the quick life update in details : my partner and i adopted a cat (his name is wicket. i love him so much already) #found myself an amazing friend group (like. i feel so confortable around them it's crazy) #once again still searching for a traineeship (but at least it's the last year i'll have to do it!) #will finish uni in a few months (if everything goes well and i find that traineeship)... #...and finally start an 'adult life' (which i don't feel ready to. i feel like a kid with a bank account and a driving license) #i'm also trying to see a therapist for the first time but it's more complicated than i thought so i feel discouraged (but persevering!) #soooo yeah. good things happening but still a lot to work on

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

yesterday i was thinking that if i don't get into any phd program by the end of the year and i switch to focusing on studying oposiciones to work at a museum i will try and learn some catalan to get the c1.

#basically my plan for next year is: if i get into the phd i will be living abroad which is scary but i'll be doing a phd which :) #if i don't. i will try to get into a phd next year but that will become my plan b #my plan a will become studying oposiciones and going to conferences / writing papers / studying languages / anything to engross my cv #i was thinking of also trying to get the official tour guide license so i can work as that in the meantime but for what i saw in madrid #the last call for the exams to get it were in 2017. so that's fun #i'll also want to try another official language exam. probably french cause that's the language i know most after english. #and then. i could also try and get the c1 of catalan cause i don't mind moving to another autonomous community to work in a museum #like i am open to state autonomic and local museums. they just have to be historical / ethnological / archaeological #my dream would actually be to work at centros de interpretación in archaeological sites but i don't know if they fall under the 'museum' #denomintation or if they are another thing i'd had to study for #and a c1 in catalan opens up my possibilities in three new autonomic communities #it's also the cooficial language i know the best. and also valencia (and more specifically alacant province) is like. on my top 3 list of #preferred destinations. cause i know pretty well the province so i think i wouldn't be so anxious moving there #and there's family and friends so i won't feel so alone i think #anyways. this is all hypothetical. but yeah #oh!!! i almost forgot!!! #if all of this happens i also want to try learning pottery ^_^ #there's a pottery workshop next door to my therapist office so i would most likely go there hehe #i'm happy cause i'm excited both to live abroad and do a phd and to stay here and study a bunch of things so. regardless of what happens #these next few months until 2024... next year is garanteed to be better than 2023. for sure

[sschmendrick]

Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.

It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.

It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !

#yeah ok the anxiety is back #I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something #plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there) #and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :) #but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me #I so rarely invite people over because of that #I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping #my head is killing me #I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom #but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up #I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't #really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments #maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist #and the situation at home isn't much better rn #I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight #I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese #I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french

[thethingything]

so CBT never worked for us in therapy. basically every instance of it was therapists trying to get us to stop being anxious about very real problems that were very likely to happen. like, situations that were not only likely, but would be very dangerous if they did happen. sometimes even things that had already happened and were likely to happen again.

meanwhile we have an app on our phone that guides you through various CBT exercises and it turns out when we use that for the kind of shit where we already know our brain is being irrational and we just want to get our thoughts together and work through the issue by writing it out, it works really fucking well and oh look suddenly we've been doing CBT for an hour and processed the root cause of several key emotional issues we've been having for years.

funny how that works. it's almost like we can actually figure out for ourselves when something is irrational and when it's an actual real problem that could put us in danger and shouldn't be dismissed. who'd have fucking thought it

#personal #thoughts #Lucy post #therapy #this is fine to reblog if it resonates with you. if anyone starts being a shithead in the notes I'm blocking on sight though #do not pull a ''see! CBT can be helpful if it's done right! if it harmed you then your therapist was just doing it wrong'' in my comments #the therapists that harmed us were using the exact same techniques but just as a blanket solution for every single problem #and yeah you can argue that's ''doing it wrong'' and I couldn't really say you're wrong about that #but when someone's saying ''hey the way this technique is usually used has done a lot of harm to me'' #it's kind of shitty to be like ''well that's not real CBT though. real CBT isn't harmful'' #when it's the same techniques being used in the way they're very often used because the therapists are taught to use them that way #anyway this has been a random rant about CBT because I'm pissed that a tool that does help us when used for a very specific set of issues #has been used so badly in the past that we still end up being reluctant to use it for the things it actually helps with #because we still associate the fucking thinking traps and shit with being gaslit and told we were being irrational #for thinking very real very dangerous situations were in fact real and dangerous to us #having to admit that CBT helped with something feels like when you finally take the advice about going outside and hydrating more #and eating better and gratitude journaling and realise you do actually feel better and have to admit the advice does help #after years of feeling like you're being dismissed because people keep telling you to do those things when you talk about being depressed #like okay yeah it did actually work. when I chose to do it. when I felt ready to #when I wasn't being forced into it by people expecting it to fix every single issue I have despite it only helping in very specific ways #anyway I wonder how much quicker we'd have learn healthy coping mechanisms if people hadn't treated various shit like cure-alls #and had said ''hey this will help with this specific thing in this way which will make these other things more manageable'' instead

[merevide]

sdfghjkl i have state-mandated exams starting tomorrow that determine if i graduate also fragile mental health this week and listening to home video by lucy dacus a normal amount but tbh i'm chilling totally

#also i have to take the SAT in one month. totallyyyy chilling. i take more breaks than i'm meant to but tbh #i'm exhaustedddd. but i also dont have the academic legroom to be exhausted #bc i was early on and that fucked literally everything up sooo i gotta work like 10x harder #n if i flunk this basically all the good work will feel insignificant #will try to be on here more once i'm done w/ exams but i wont be fully done until april n then i got more stuff to #worry about in may/june not even mentioning all the shit i gotta do for fucking college. #still not 100% sure what i actually want to do BTW. so pray i figure that out asap #goddd i dont wanna be a human being. dont wanna. really do anything tbh #but also i'm clinically depressed according to every therapist i've had ever n anyone who's ever looked at me. FORK SPOTTED IN KITCHEN #but yeah complaining. boo/ gn.. #stream home video. good album but idk much about good music i listen to whatever. please stay + hot n heavy + cartwheel + thumbs my faves #my text #Spotify

[theydoctor]

GUESS WHO JUST MADE HIS FIRST HRT APPOINTMENT!!!!

#IT'S IN JUNE AND I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW #I'LL BE ABLE TO GO ON T THIS YEAR !!!!! #if everything works out obviously but i'm really optimistic #and the doctors i got recommended by my therapist are apparently really good and usually don't need more than one appointment to agree #so like !!! #i think as far as i know this is like the first appointment which i mainly made to calm my parents #and he's not allowed to actually prescribe me T but can then give me a proper recommendation to someone who can #now i could have gone to someone who could immediately prescribe it to me but yk i do wanna go the safe route #and while i am super excited about taking T it's not like an emergency situation yk? #it's fine for me to wait a bit especially since i'm currently stressed because of exams anyways #but yeah!!!! i did it! i made an appointment!!! i am incredibly happy rn!!!! #charlie rambles #i'm gonna go and cry tears of joy now :')

[bread-tab]

ooof

going through papers looking for a misplaced piece of paperwork and found a note from after one of my last sessions with my crappy therapist

"[Therapist] not the type to be harsh w/o good reason so I'd better sit up & listen even if it felt mean. It shows faith in me that she would be brutally honest w/ me even though she knows I'm sensitive as hell - She believed I could take it."

actually no, bro! if your therapist makes you feel like this that is a RED FLAG 🚩

seriously if you're in therapy and the vibe gets this bad there needs to be major work done to repair the relationship and if you feel like you can't safely bring it up then get out of there. get a different therapist. this is NOT how therapy is supposed to go. there has to be TRUST before you can get anything actually done

the "harsh" talk was in reference to me being repeatedly late, a problem rooted in my adhd and anxiety, which was interfering with everything in my life including getting to therapy. in some strange coincidence, after i stopped going to my therapy appointments i started slowly getting better about that! almost as if the way she was addressing the problem was making my anxiety worse!

even if you are partially at fault in a situation like this, there are healing ways to address issues and set boundaries. someone you are going to for help should not be tearing you down further. therapists are trained to be actively not shitty about things like this even if they're frustrated

i can't believe i put up with this person for nearly a year 😠

#malpractice cw #medical abuse cw #emotional abuse cw #bad therapy #<- going heavier on the trigger tags than i actually feel which yeah... #still processing some things #can you tell i have issues with noticing i'm being treated unfairly #it took years of work from my previous (good) therapist to get me to admit it was okay to be sensitive at all #and i'm not letting that go to waste #swearing cw

[toomanywordsnllines]

Me: *goes to get checked for ADHD*

The therapist, 20 minutes in: ... Have you looked... Into autism?

*Session continues*

The therapist, at the end: ... Yeah I'm... Going to talk with some colleagues who specialize in autism... Hope you don't mind...

#it's so funny #like literally 20 minutes after and me explaining my symptoms they were like: #'yeah I've been watching them since the beginning and autism seems to fit the bill better' #like.... a therapist that never meet me clocked my weird little ass in 20 minutes amazing #they still did the ADHD test and nop i don't have it. I'm completely the opposite of someone with it as they said #like i was like. YES yes i have looked into autism (has done so much research and quizzes) and i was here more to get that answer than #the adhd diagnosis #so!!!! i might get a diagnosis and I'm fucking thrilled!!! #if it isn't the tism i also don't care!!! at least i can finally put a name to why the brain works as it does!!!! #manyrambles #too many thoughts #sorry for the more personal posts #tumblr is my journal for the more harmless stuff <3 #personal stuff yee haw #<- you can block that tag if you don't want to hear my personal stuff

[fractallogic]

just want to say that the salary range of one of the jobs I applied to today was $118-140K, which is such a laughably stupid and unfathomable amount of money that I just shut it out of my brain until I was pondering idly just now

my salary right now is $54K. my only-touch-this-money-for-research-costs stipend is another $15K (so yeah I have access to $69K per year, nice). i can't IMAGINE making basically my entire two year postdoc of pay... in a year.

like I know you get paid better out of academia but holy fuck it has NOT been sinking in

#this is like BUY A HOUSE money #and BUY A NICE NAP-ON-ABLE COUCH money #and BUY THE CHAIR THAT COSTS A MONTH'S RENT RIGHT NOW money #and MOVE TO DENVER WITHOUT NEEDING RELOCATION COSTS BECAUSE THE JOB IS REMOTE money #is this how people like. afford children??? #also my god the realization i had just now that before taxes i make $26/hr is also laughable #this does feel like the appropriate minimum wage. #i live comfortably! except when i was having to pay an extra 1000-1500/mo to visit my mom! #or when it comes to having to buy my own healthcare and trying to find a therapist! #it also makes me feel better about going 'six hours? yeah that seems like a good enough work day' #anyway i'm going to go to bed. tomorrow i have no participants coming in. damn them. #but it also means that maybe i'll roll in with my now monday-ly jimmy johns for lunch?? #i'll see how i feel. #it also means i'm only moderately fucked by staying up this late #sorry @ cousin asking 'do what you love or get a fat salary' #having been incredibly underpaid the last 10 years i can confirm that a fat salary >>> doing what you love #becuase here's the thing i can do what i love when i'm NOT earning a fat salary #and having a fat salary and benefits means i'm more likely to actually be able to do what i love