taughtsauce

[taughtsauce]

she never intended to put me first, or ahead of anyone else in her life. i’ve thrown myself to her but she only needs the attention of others.

yet i’m only alive when she wants me.

She doesn't love me, she doesn't want me, she doesn't need me. I'm tired of being so messed up. I just want to never wake up again. If she no longer loves me, there's no point to life. She's my everything. Without her, it's dull, empty, and cold. I had hoped she'd still love me. I was wrong, but I'm not even surprised.

I hope she gets the girl she wants and deserves.

While I'll always dream of her, hope she'll love me once again, I'll rot until then.

#fp bpd #fp vent #borderline splitting #living with borderline

[taughtsauce]

i’m ready to leave and never come back

[taughtsauce]

friendly reminder that no one is ever actually on your side and self interest overrules empathy in any situation

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #favorite person #bpd things #sewersidal #trauma posting #bpd splitting

[taughtsauce]

trying to empathize w/ your mom and understanding the hardships she went through and how much she loved you

vs.

remembering

#mommy issues #bpd #bpd episode #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #vent post #self h@rm #favorite person #sewersidal #trauma posting #abandonment like every other day #therapy

[taughtsauce]

Yesterday: actually I don’t think I have been this happy in what? Like 8 years? I might actually feel like I can achieve something in my life and I’m full of love and maybe my body isn’t so bad.

The chemical balance in my brain: … how about you just like kill yourself tho. Also you’re fat ?

[taughtsauce]

people with ‘scary’ and ‘weird’ mental issues i love you.

i love schizophrenics. i love psychotic people, i love people on the schizospectrum, i love people with DID and OSDD, i love people with NPD, i love people with PPD, i love people with SPD, i love people with ASPD, i love people with personality disorders, i love people who hallucinate, people who have delusions, and people who have paranoia. i love people who are mentally ill in ways that are viewed as strange and scary by society. 

it is not your fault that you struggle. you are valid. you are deserving of care and you are deserving of love. your issues do not negate any of that.

[taughtsauce]

if there was an opportunity to prove myself entirely i would take it. if she offered the chance to runaway with her i would take it. if she said she wanted me to die alone for her i would do it. she deserves everything i have and i don’t need anything at all.

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #favorite person #bpd things #sewersidal #bpd splitting

[taughtsauce]

i’m so bitter and angry at the fact she abandoned me bc i know that i’m so desperate for her love i would slit my wrists if she told me to.

#fp bpd #vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #favorite person #bpd things #sewersidal #bpd splitting #actually dissociative #it’s not splitting if it’s been like this for months lol

[taughtsauce]

my own life is just becoming background noise at this point

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #sewersidal #bpd splitting #sewerslidal activities #tw sui ideation #bpd things #favorite person #trauma posting #psychosis moment #actually dissociative

[taughtsauce]

the cycle is

rage–> regret–> self hatred–> depression–> isolation–> resentment–> rage & so on

this is what life is about guys! this is what we’re living for!

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #favorite person #bpd things #sewersidal #bpd splitting

[taughtsauce]

ideation is ideation is ideation is my idea of fun

[taughtsauce]

it’s hard to believe this outcome was not predetermined. something inside me has always known i’d take it this far this soon. honestly, it just makes sense

i guess some people were born to kill themselves

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #favorite person #bpd things #sewersidal #tw sui ideation #trauma dump #foreshadowing #tw sui vent #my bad

[taughtsauce]

we were so used to saying “love you” before we hung up that now she just uses it to end a conversation with me

…

she never says it unless it’s to say goodbye

…

she never actually fucking means it

#bpd #vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #bpd splitting #bpd things #sewersidal #actually dissociative #favorite person #bpd fp

[taughtsauce]

i can not stand my anger anymore. it is immense and it’s out of control and there is nothing there to ground me. i fall into frustration so hard and so fast that i can’t feel anything else. after every meltdown is just overwhelming guilt and shame and loathing. nothings getting better. today is bad and tomorrow will be worse.

my temper my rage my bpd is me and i’m ruining everything

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #bpd splitting #bpd things #sewersidal #bpd #bpd episode

[taughtsauce]

i really can’t decide what’s worse. living in the past or surviving in the present.

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #bpd splitting #bpd things #sewersidal #actually dissociative #tw sui vent

[taughtsauce]

i guess i’m just tired being required to give and not take. i don’t want to have to be considered “selfish” for seeking something i donate without hesitation

#vent post #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #actually bpd #self h@rm #bpd splitting #bpd things #sewersidal #actually dissociative #tw sui vent

[taughtsauce]

hey guys just had a psych evaluation and apparently hearing voices and seeing god isn’t a normal part of puberty

#vent post #actually mentally ill #mentaw iwwness :3 #psychosis #psychosis moment #actually bpd #actually dissociative #joan of arc #joan of arc moment