absentgoji

[absentgoji]

If you change your end goal from "being cured" to "feeling better", it'll be a lot easier to make progress - and each act of self care won't feel as hopeless and insignificant.

[absentgoji]

[absentgoji]

Just one more day

Then one more year

And things will change for me

[absentgoji]

I cant wait to get away from my family. Really.

And it kinda hurts in a way, because I love them, honestly, I do. But day after day they keep showing they don't really care about me as much as they should. They don't seem to care what happens to me. Now that I got a part time job they wont give me any more money (they didnt give much anyway), even tho my monthly income wont be enough for me to move out on my own.

This is not really about money, tho. They have never supported me. They cant stand the fact im bisexual (will NEVER tell them im also nonbinary), we dont share the same political views, they dont support me being an artist, they really hate the way i am, like, in general... And these days they've been insisting on how much i need a plan to finally move out, it really feels like im being kicked out my own home so...

They keep telling me i need to move out and yet at the same time, they will stop supporting me financially. I will have to rent a room bc my income will surely not be enough for an apartment, and even so I will struggle with money. But I will get outta here.

Ugh why did they decide to have a child if they were going to neglect them in the first place? I mean i was just an accident i already know that but my siblings were not, so! I wonder if this is just something they do to me or they really are planning to do the same to them.

- ?

#parent rant #non did related post #but idk

[absentgoji]

mom told me she would’ve named me Álvaro if i ‘had been born a boy’ and-

how does one feel about that? i mean, i asked her myself, i was really curious. been tiptoeing around the idea of getting a gender neutral middle name, because i like my name but i cant FULLY relate to it, and i feel i would if i had a different name to switch to right next to it

its not gender euphoria what i felt but rather a calm feeling that ‘’it is also mi name’’ kind of?? 

meh

#will probably delete this

[absentgoji]

Thought id share this bc i feel the same way about plural pronouns

Hello, I'd like to ask for your personal opinion on the usage of plural pronouns for people with DID, like we/us and they/them. I've seen a lot of opposing opinions on them and it's very confusing. I'm also curious to know your thoughts on people without DID using plural pronouns, and terms specific to DID. Thank you for your time, and please don't answer my ask if you don't want to! :)

I'm happy to give my opinion, but if this question is prompted by other posts on the subject I'm totally unaware of them. So please don't take this as me weighing in on a community debate. I'm oblivious to any debate and therefore can't comment specifically on other people's perspectives.

I personally use singular pronouns for myself most of the time. This is because I think of myself as a single person with dissociated parts, and I present myself to the world as a single person (and most of the world doesn't get to know about my dissociated parts).

When I do use we/us/our, it's because I am specifically talking about the experience of having dissociated parts. For example, most of the time I am just going to say "My partner", but when I am talking specifically about how all my parts relate to her and how we all have a relationship with her, I will say something like "she is our partner".

I typically only use we/us/our in spaces where it's relevant to talk about having DID, so pretty much only here on this blog and in therapy.

This is purely personal opinion, but I feel uncomfortable when people with DID use plural pronouns or bring up the topic of DID in spaces where the topic is not relevant. For example, I've joined discord servers on other topics like hobbies or tv shows and people will introduce themselves like "Hello. We are the ___ system. We are 20 years old." I'm here to talk about making crafts, not DID. I don't want my whole life to be about my mental illness but now everyone in the server is talking about DID. I personally think it's an unhealthy way to seek support.

I don't really have an opinion on people without DID using plural pronouns. I'm not sure why they would. They/them is a singular pronoun, obviously. But I don't know why someone would want to use we/us/ours unless they had DID/OSDD or identified as some other kind of plural.

[absentgoji]

Shoutout to everybody with DID or OSDD who keeps going back to the DID/OSDD tumblr tags even though they know they rarely find anything relatable and will only get triggered and end up yelling “That’s not how any of this works!” at their screen. 

You’re my people.

We know the fridge is empty. We keep opening it anyway. 

[absentgoji]

LIKE- I know!!! I’m older than them and thus more mature and I was a pretty different person at 18 but I dont have to put up with anybody’s shit no matter how old they are!! I really dont have to!!!! And I won’t!!!!!! It’s not my responsibility I’m just angry!!!!!!!!!

So im back from some short summer holidays with friends and we happened to devirtualize a friend who turned out to be… kinda too morally ambiguous? This friend told us about how they would do some really questionable things and spent a lot of time gaslighting us every time they could… like, they would do or say something and lit a second later deny they’d ever done or said such thing. Plus, made me feel really uncomfortable repeating sexual comments about me and my looks. I told him to stop a couple times, then gave up tbh. They’d also bring up a convo topic then drop it bc they stopped being the center of attention.

And I’ve been pissed about it for two days now! I can’t stop thinking about how they wouldn’t stop saying they were so bored and they wouldn’t come again on a trip with us, even tho we paid for almost everything (they never… offered…. to pay for any fucking thing……….) and made sure they were having fun any time we could. 

Idk? I guess I should talk about this with them and the others but at the same time I feel its not my responsibility at all and I’m so tired of trying to understand and let others be fucking a*holes only ‘cause everybody makes mistakes. I really don’t give a fuck if they end up alone or stop hanging around with me tbh I don’t think I wan’t to see them again anytime soon…

- A ranting Astrid

[absentgoji]

So im back from some short summer holidays with friends and we happened to devirtualize a friend who turned out to be... kinda too morally ambiguous? This friend told us about how they would do some really questionable things and spent a lot of time gaslighting us every time they could... like, they would do or say something and lit a second later deny they’d ever done or said such thing. Plus, made me feel really uncomfortable repeating sexual comments about me and my looks. I told him to stop a couple times, then gave up tbh. They’d also bring up a convo topic then drop it bc they stopped being the center of attention.

And I’ve been pissed about it for two days now! I can’t stop thinking about how they wouldn’t stop saying they were so bored and they wouldn’t come again on a trip with us, even tho we paid for almost everything (they never... offered.... to pay for any fucking thing..........) and made sure they were having fun any time we could. 

Idk? I guess I should talk about this with them and the others but at the same time I feel its not my responsibility at all and I’m so tired of trying to understand and let others be fucking a*holes only ‘cause everybody makes mistakes. I really don’t give a fuck if they end up alone or stop hanging around with me tbh I don’t think I wan’t to see them again anytime soon...

- A ranting Astrid

[absentgoji]

Today im gon leave to spend some days with fremdo's at a cozy village house and im starting to overthink bc one of then hasnt really known me for long enough irl to be used to mood swings or switches and i know its barely noticeable but what if!!

[absentgoji]

Your shitty mother isn’t a narcissist. Your toxic ex isnt a psycho. You were not a victim of “bpd abuse”. Your abuser was not sociopathic and did not have antisocial personality disorder/was not antisocial. People with harmful and illogical opinions such as government leaders aren’t delusional.

Start finding vocabulary that isn’t ableist here are some examples of more accurate and less harmful descriptions.

“My mother is conceited and self centered, which impacts me negatively still and led to abuse”

“My ex is violent and seems out of control a lot, and they’ve traumatized me through their abusive behavior”

“My abuser [describe their actions without mentioning their bpd bc its not what fucking makes some one abusive . that would be like saying "my abuser had depression….I am a victim of depressed abuse and distrust those with depression now because they’re abusive” ]

“My abuser didn’t have any sympathy or compassion for others and objectified me.”

“My abuser lashed out at others and was always very cold and distant to me.”

“They’re willfully ignorant and hiding behind their privilege.”

[absentgoji]

i know most of my worst traits come from how my parents raised me. the way making choices is ridiculously hard for me and how i tend to ask people around me if they agree with my choice, or if they think im doing the correct thing, is a clear example of it. while growing up, i was never been able to make my own choices. 

i could keep going and talk about how many of the things my parents used to do while raising me have shaped me, but it is not the purpose of this post. i only wanted to illustrate what i mean.

today, age 25, im starting to make my own decisions. 

its scary and i am never sure im right, but im doing it myself.

and sometimes, when days get hard, i think about how a great part of my flaws are deeply rooted in the way my parents taught me how to live (or the way they didn’t teach me how to live at all). i start thinking about how this is so unfair and how i ‘’dont know how to be an adult because of them’’.

that is true, but i cant stay still just because of that. i have to keep moving. these are my circumstances now, and while not everything depends on me, i have to do my best to get better. i have to learn everything i havent learnt. i still have so much to do.

my parents may have made my life a tad more difficult for me, but i cant get stuck on that thought. i have to keep moving, i have to face my fears, i have to grow up.

mom and dad are not going to help me from now on. im an adult and they wont be taking care of me nor my mistakes. my life is now my responsibility, and while i may have it more difficult than others because of them, i have to learn to take care of myself.

i know this might be relatable to a lot more people so i just want to say: you got it! we still have so much to do but its worth it. lets keep going.

- Carol

#vent #growing up #parents #some thoughts

[absentgoji]

im feeling super anxious these days and i cant point at the reason right now. every issue ive had these days has been addressed and solved already and i should be okay now, but it just wont go.

i'd say someone must be feeling a certain way, but relaying on my disorder to justify anything that happens to me and that could also happen to any other person is not something i want to do. plus, it doesnt feel like thats whats happening now. there must be something im just missing.

im gonna try that web questionnaire that helps you find the reason you're not feeling okay, maybe it helps.

EDIT: This is the site

- ? Carol?

[absentgoji]

After years of living in the adulting world, I think I’ve come to a realization: Manners exist to guide you to good conduct even when you’re in a bad mood.

When you’re happy, when you’re feeling generous, when you’re pleased with your gift or your service or your outcome, it’s easy to be nice. It’s easy to tip the waiter well when you’ve had a good day. It’s easy to thank the teller or the clerk when you got what you wanted out of the transaction. It’s easy to smile and chit-chat with strangers on the road when you’re in a good mood.

It’s hard to tip the waiter when you didn’t enjoy your food. It’s hard to thank the clerk for their time when you’ve just been told there’s a problem with their account and they weren’t able to fix it for you. It’s hard to think of something nice to say when your aunt gave you a crappy sweater you neither need nor want. It’s hard to be nice to people when you’ve had a shitty day. It’s HARD.

That’s what manners are for. Scripts and phrases that you learn by rote to say when you can’t think of a single nice or good thing to say from your own volition. Yes, they’re scripted. Yes, the sentiment is empty. But the scripts work in every situation, and the emptiness provides a buffer between your own unhappiness and the rest of society.

Because most of the time, it’s not the waiter’s fault that the food you ordered wasn’t what you expected. It’s not the clerk’s fault that your account is overdrawn. It’s not the fault of the barista or the stranger on the subway that you got fired today or your favorite aunt died. But even when you can’t summon a smile or a cheery word, you can still have manners, because they will serve you the same in sunshine or rain.

[absentgoji]

feeling talkative right now so i guess i will introduce myself just in case some new ppl find this blog now that ive been posting some new posts

my name is Mau, i am 25 y/o, i identify as nonbinary and i experience my gender in a fluid/bi way. i use any pronouns tho i usually go by she/her or they/them

i created this blog mostly to vent and talk about my experience as a DID diagnosed person, since i still have trouble accepting it and talking about it in other spaces. DID means Dissociative Identity Disorder, or, as movies and other awful media picture it, "multiple personality disorder"

if you want to know what it means and how its like, please, read my posts and reblogs, because its not actually what it looks like and it would be great if we could get rid of the stigma.

i would also appreciate if you read my boundaries and my do's and dont's before interacting with me.

i sign my posts here using 3 different names, mostly. thats my way of referring to my different parts, but its important to know that no matter "who" you talk to, you will always be talking to me.

i am not a psychologist and i will never give any medical advice nor a diagnosis to anyone so dont ask for it. i will, however, talk about what works for me and what doesnt

if you want to talk to me, my dms are open, but i must say that i find having conversations with online strangers really difficult and i cant promise to be active all the time

that being said, thank you for reading and stay safe

- Astrid

#did #did osdd #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #did/osdd

[absentgoji]

to be honest, i miss my ex? i dont mean romantically or as a couple, i broke up with him like two years ago and i have a girlfriend i absolutely adore, but as a friend. he would always talk about anything with me and he would never judge anyone. i could just go and tell him how a person had hurt me and he would just give his opinion and try to help me think about what had happened in a more objective way. he would never hold grudges nor hate anyone. he is so kind and patient. not the best boyfriend, though. a truly good human but not a great partner (lack of responsibility, too childish during fights, etc.)

its been two months now since i last heard about him.

he was a friend i always used to feel at peace with. whenever we met i would feel everything would be okay. he didnt seem to worry about a thing and helped me do the same whenever possible.

i wish i could talk to him about all this now. i also hope he's okay.

[absentgoji]

therapy: expensive

sleep: taxing