alekx

[alekx]

As long as I don’t give up on the things that I love…

One of my personal resolutions is to stop writing about how I should be writing more and just write what I want, so that I can actually see myself write more. I also decided not to mind when my last post was and when it should be. Life happens. As long as I don’t give up on the things that I love, I’m okay. On that note, here are some updates about what I’ve been up to lately. Less reflection-y, more of a “hello, this is what I’ve been doing”.

I got a new job! I’m starting with this one because this gives context to some of the other updates in this entry. I am now working with the events team for a bookstore. Early this year, I decided that I was ready to go back to working full time. Professionally, the last three years have been a roller coaster ride for me to say the least, and while that time taught me many lessons, I am glad to have something stable to hold onto and build my life with right now. I’ve always been curious about what it would be like to work for this company, and now I get to find out. It’s also nice to be with more people again. This is the first time I’m in a job where there’s more than 15 people. The world feels big again, and if I were younger this would faze me, but lately I keep finding myself wanting to welcome new situations with open arms.

I’ve been reading more. I’ve already been trying to be more consistent with my reading in the last few years, but it definitely helps to be in a place full of books and to be constantly talking about books. I’m still a bit of a slow reader, but I’ve been reading at least a page a day, which is still good in my book and, ultimately, what matters. I’ve also been trying out some books that are outside my comfort zone (a thriller!) or books that I normally would pass up on. We also get news about upcoming books and authors and I think that too makes one excited to keep reading.

I met cool authors. Okay, this is kind of a given because it’s literally part of my job. But still! Another perk is I learn from listening during their talks and get my books signed from them, as well.

I started a bookstagram. At work, we are encouraged to keep reading and to hone our discernment for books, which I take to heart. Besides reading itself, I thought that starting a bookstagram is one of the ways that I could respond to that encouragement. Of course, there’s still the echo chamber effect, but nonetheless, it’s good for getting some sense of what others, especially young people, read and why they read what they read. Another reason I have for creating an account is because I want to keep practicing writing. I like writing about books because (1) it lends me some needed objectivity about what I write and the whole process of writing and having my writing be read, and (2) because I have to read books anyway to keep up with my job! Two birds with one stone! Lastly, I am keeping my bookstagram public because I am growing a desire to be read more. I’m trying to embrace the possibility that sharing about myself to others is a way to grow as a person, rather than simply a way to be judged. I mean, sure, that happens on the internet, but also I want to believe that as long as I stay true to myself, I’ll eventually find the people whom I resonate with (and who resonates with me). I don’t plan for this account to be a content machine kind of thing, though. I’m just going to share what I want to share. I have some small goals, but it’ll still be kinda sporadic. If that’s you’re thing, too, feel free to follow me @alekxreads.

I went to my friend’s wedding. Anna is my closest friend from college and she married her longtime boyfriend, Noel, last September. Me and her other close friends from school days threw her a baking-themed bridal shower (where I learned that I actually have potential as a baker haha!). I also reunited with one of my old college friends, Camille. Camille and I took a road trip to Anna’s wedding location and we got to catch up on each other's lives and milestones during the rides from and back home. It rained so much on the day of my friend’s wedding, but their celebration was so beautiful and heartwarming despite this.

I am swimming again. I already wrote about it here. I was primarily health-motivated when I started swimming, but I really started to wholeheartedly enjoy doing this every week. I think I grew up believing that anything worth pursuing must be turned into something profitable or professional, and so I never really sought things that I had no intention of deliberately turning into capital S something. This led to a lot of very stubborn career choices and put pressure on my dreams – which is an essay for another day – but I mention it because the moment I realized I was starting to really genuinely enjoy swimming, I decided to do the opposite and just do it for the fun of. One telltale sign for me was how I continue to absolutely dislike bathing in cold water in any sort of form or weather (yes, even in summer) and yet I have no problems finding myself in chilly pool waters at 6am at least once a week. I think we should treat our hobbies with care the way we treat our professions with attention, and swimming, to me, was a reminder of that.

I got sick. I had what was called reflex laryngitis. My doctor explained it to me as “your stomach producing too much acid that it rises up your throat which irritates it and causes your allergic coughs and sniffles”. It doesn’t help that allergies already run in my family. I hate taking meds so much, but I try to remind myself that needing to take bitter meds and forgetting when to take it are better problems to have than not having any meds or getting sick in a way where meds won’t work at all.

I turned 31. My birthday passed without much fanfare this year, but that’s okay. There were personal events that happened then that were reasons why I couldn’t make much of a celebration out of it this year. Nonetheless, I’m grateful for another birthday, and I’m hoping that I can celebrate it more next year. I’m still figuring out how I want the rest of the year to go for me — I still have to write my birthday reflections — but one thing is for sure, as summarized on my diary entry from that day: This year, “I want to give myself the gift of me, my life.”

#personal #work

[alekx]

I love swimming

Lately, one of my sources of pure joy has been swimming. At least once a week, I get up at 5am and take the train to the local fitness center. By 6am, I am moving in the middle of a five-lane pool practicing freestyles and breaststrokes. If I’m feeling brave, I’d be practicing an underwater somersault which I have not gotten the hang of yet. The only reason I cannot practice a starting dive is because my local pool doesn’t permit it. All of this is a far cry from how I was as a young girl.

Back then, I was terrified of being in water. I find pools the most kind of refreshing during Philippine summers the way kids stuck in classes ten months a year normally do, but I absolutely hated going to the deep end. I never fancied slides or pool wrestling matches. Beaches are also an unpleasant vacation spot. You don’t know what’s out there! What’s beyond! If I slip no one would be able to find me! I suppose now is also a good time to let you know that I was a perpetually scared child. When I was 9, my dad decided enough was enough and I needed to learn how to swim like my younger siblings who seem to have picked up the art quite naturally. I was equally, if not moreso, terrified of my father, and so the obvious course of action was to go to the lessons. I spent the next three Aprils and Mays in swimming pools with other children learning how to survive in the water.

Like every beginner, I started with the basics like breathing and kicking until I could successfully lap to a designated spot. Since we were all children under four feet in my first swimming class, my teachers installed a metal bench by the shallowest end. I was terrified of leaving that bench, but after a few weeks, I could safely leave it in intervals thanks to what I learned. Overtime, I learned to lap longer distances and even do swim race starts. I also could jump into 15-feet deep pools, albeit after shaking on the diving board and contemplating my life choices for a good three to five minutes.

My lessons did teach me to swim, but they didn’t teach me to like it, though. I still disliked swimming. My laps were always rushed and I do not have good body control in the water. More than anything, I disliked being asked to “demonstrate” what I learned at swim class, as adults are wont to ask children.

Briefly in college, I took swimming for a semester. I think my fears around water relaxed a bit around that time, and I was mostly glad that I didn’t have to start over unlike my other classmates. That said, I still didn’t pursue swimming then and I still did not have some basic form of confidence over my own skills. I can swim and I won’t drown, that’s for sure. Am I good at it? I don’t really know. I’ll survive. Which was enough.

Overtime, a few things changed. I think partially because I am eager for a new kind of exercise I could get into. I am eager to keep myself healthy and that is motivation enough. Mostly, I think because I learned that the secret is to simply relax. To which you might say, “um… duh?” Yeah. I know. Believe me, I know.

For many years, I just didn’t know how to deal with my own fears about getting into a body of water. I don’t think I was even afraid of water itself. It wasn’t a phobia. It was just my anxiety brain having the ability to calculate the worst possible outcome of a situation (which is really helpful for some things, but sometimes not for other things like this one). I was afraid of drowning. I was afraid of making a mistake. I was afraid of bad things happening because I made a mistake. Which isn’t at all an irrational fear to have, except I did need to find a healthy way of dealing with it.

I think my confidence and eagerness now about being able to properly swim coincides with how - as an adult - I have learned to objectively look at and critically address the things that terrified me as a child. Yes, one can drown in a huge body of water and one can suck at swimming laps, but that possibility isn’t a given, made even less so not only when one knows how to make use of one’s body in water, but also in being able to trust oneself that one could actually do it. I just needed to see for myself that I could do it. I needed to see that I was capable of surviving in water, that I wouldn’t make a mistake, or that even if I did, I’d be fine. That took a lot of trial and error. Countless times of going in the water, trying, and learning from other experiences in my life where progress took its time and demanded my patience and self-trust. At the tender age of 31 (haha!), I am once again learning that terrifying or pressuring myself into something never really works well for me. My contrarian will is just going to refuse to learn. My nervous system needs to relax. I need to be able to safely develop trust in myself, and it’s also okay even if that takes time.

I wish I had been less terrified a lot sooner. I wish I realized earlier that I could break huge, fearful and seemingly insurmountable things into tiny manageable pieces and that would help me find my way through them. I wish I knew earlier that sometimes what we find at the end of something we fear is just ourselves except more sure than when we started. Also, that it’s okay to check our own personal diving regulations, while understanding that the splash won’t happen unless we take the plunge.

I am grateful to my dad for making sure I learn a very important life skill. I do wish that I found more compassion from him in facing the things that terrified me. Sometimes fighting with fire just makes a bigger fire. Sometimes it’s better to cease it with water, so we don’t have to stand in the middle of what we could have saved.

Right now, swimming makes me feel like a kid again. I can’t remember what it was like to have a hobby that I only did just because, where I was not trying to impress somebody or prove to anybody that I could do it, or where I am seeking progress simply because I made a promise to myself that I wanted to. On my birthday this year, the first thing I did was go to the pool and get myself a year long discounted access to the center. Haha!

I also have this thing where it’s hard for me to talk about something that I love and enjoy. I tend to fear that talking about it would take the fun out because then after telling I need to be able to prove that I actually am good enough/know enough, etc. But that doesn’t have to be. Not anymore. I can like what I like, love what I love. I don’t have to be afraid.

Cover photo by Ann on Unsplash

#personal #writing

[alekx]

August Is

a list of things.

walking. Asana. hustling. trains and tiring commutes. On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. astrology posts. laundry that never seems to end. laundry that won’t fold itself. Taylor Swift, folklore, finally. "the 1" is my favorite song in it. a bit of money, and a bit of breathing. a boy and his birthday I keep thinking about. and injuries. learning baking and learning that baking is fun. books. catching up. keeping up.

This post is inspired by Author Katie Cotugno’s blog updates.

#monthly

[alekx]

The Sunday Currently, vol. 3

A bunch of things here and there.

reading

reads i finished:

All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks (if you want a taste of her thoughts, check out this interview)

Normal People, Sally Rooney

“She Dwelt among the Untrodden Ways”, William Wordsworth (this poem hit me at a moment where otherwise I would have ignored it)

the exhibition catalogue for Adaptation: A Reconnected Earth (memorable line: “oscillation between the enticements of capitalism and responsible conservation”)

listening

can’t stop listening to:

“April Shower”, Seventeen

“Trauma”, EXO (I’m excited for their new album)

“Imperfect Love”, Seventeen

“King of my Heart”, Taylor Swift (currently loving Reputation album once again)

new (to me) finds:

BooSeokSoon led me to Peder Elias’ Love & Loneliness album which I really like (Is it me or does “Good for You” have some similarities to “Circles”?)

watching

currently/finished:

Run On rewatch because why not

Doctor Who Rewatch starting with 7B (I’m trying to do a rewatch of past seasons before the new episodes in October. I only watched up to mid-Series 9 and I’m trying to remedy that)

Seventeen One Fine Day: 13 Castaway Boys (Coups: my egg yolk!!!!! my egg yolk!!!! my egg yolk!!!)

The Art Assignment: Better Know…

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (heyyy!!! i’m late to the party but this was a cute watch when one’s nursing period pain under cozy covers and a thunderstorm; right in my FEELS)

loving

my Notion set-up (I put an inspiration board, cute headers, and lots of emojis)

Canva

Swimming again

catching up on my Courage Journal

red mango froyo (i think, after many years, i may have found my go-to combo)

flowers on my desk of course

commuting by train

feeling

✨ 💛 🌸 💖 🌻 🥰 ✨ 🌸 ✨ 💖 things work out in the best way possible

#lists #the sunday currently

[alekx]

The Hero with a Thousand Faces: In Which I Finish a 12-Year-Old Item on My To-Read List

I first encountered The Hero with A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell through one of the many procrastination-fueled internet rabbit holes I slipped into during my undergrad years. I think I was reading about Star Wars or Community when I came across a conceptual framework for the Hero’s Journey. I was fascinated by the idea of “a single pattern of heroic journey” shared among the numerous myths from across cultures of the world. Naturally, I wanted to get my hands on the book.

That took quite a while until right in middle of the pandemic when I managed to acquire a copy for myself. I started reading the book sporadically then, but never quite advanced past the chapter on “The Call to Adventure”, unsurprisingly, since it’s an extremely challenging read. I finally made another go at it in December last year only to finish it nearly four months later, many times in between wondering if I should just give up and save the rest of the reading for another day.

The Hero with a Thousand Faces is well-researched and wide-reaching. The breadth of Joseph Campbell’s erudition is evidenced by his bibliography, an impressive list of twenty pages succeeding end notes that are also over twenty pages total. The language is precise and communicates to the reader as eloquently and as sharply as possible. While Campbell’s detailing of the Hero’s Journey is the more famous part of this book (and it was also what first encouraged me to seek it), he also includes his theory on the Cosmogonic Cycle, the pattern of world creation and destruction found in myths. I find this part most interesting vis-a-vis our contemporary context of a globalized, hyper-capitalist, and post-pandemic world, which I think necessitates a longer discussion. The book is not light reading, nor is it for the lighthearted (and narrow-minded). Shmoop (hehe) rates it at 9/10 on their Tough-o-Meter.

While the book featured all kinds of myths from across various parts of the world, there were a handful few that I really loved reading, such as The Drawing Forth of the Sun Goddess Amaterasu from the Shinto tradition of Japan, The Tale of Prince Kamar al-Zaman and Princess Budur from One Thousand and One Nights, the meeting of Parvati and Shiva from Hindu mythology, the Goddess Innana’s Descent into the Netherworld from Sumerian mythology, and the story of the Water Mother from the Kalevala.

That being said, I think my most favorite takeaway from the book is how it is as profound as it is informative. With his work, Campbell encourages us to move past the conventions of our secular society divorced from the myths of our ancestors and communities to reconnect with the stories of old, and thereby reconnect our lives with their inherent meaning, purpose, and divinity.

In The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Campbell brushes the dust off of mythology that makes the pursuit of it seem only for those select few interested in the old. He compels us to an encounter with the subject that is not only affirming, but also ever-relevant.

#books

[alekx]

(the world made you) a love poem (for myself)

the world made you, did it not? clearly, it wants you around. you and your bucked bunny teeth, your hairy legs and the patch on your head, your disproportionate eyebrows and the left and the right of your body that will never meet, your unladylike feet and fingers that always callus, lashes that flutter, and eyes that shine.

the world made you and your shower of twenty minutes, always turning to the right side of the bed, hugging a blanket in 40C summer, melting ice cream, shouting at the TV because Doctor Who came on, staring into space, saying hi to the moon (even when it's new) and your preference for pink, and the ink that stained the sheets once again because you forgot for a hundredth time to put on the cap of the pen that you use to write all and everything including this now.

sometimes things don’t make sense as imagined, but they’ll be fine like this poem, and how, once more, like the world made you and your easy heart. slow to anger, swift to love; light on your sleeve, forever impart.

the world made you and your listening ear everybody called when the printer didn't work, or when writing a prayer, or maybe just because there was no one else small enough to fit at the back of the car.

the world made you and your awkward smile at the woman who checked your groceries at the supermarket, at your grandma who needed to go down the stairs, and your cousin happy for pretty boys on card stock, at your neighbor's chow chow jumping at your approach, and at your friend who took your photos by the intersection at 10pm that evening when all hope bloomed in your heart and that maybe, just maybe

the world made you and your reliable hands that learned to cook the meals in 2018, and count the money, and clean the windows, and chop the vegetables, and check the mail, and chuck the laundry, and crawl for cockroaches, and create collages, and cry on the phone in a hospital hallway, and hug yourself in the middle of the night, because you knew. of course, you knew. the world made you as you. so clear, so true. so you.

#poetry

[alekx]

When Will The Waves Take The Debris Abandoned in The Freckled Sand?

"I’m hurt,” I said aloud to myself after reading paragraphs of diary entries from more than five years ago. 

“I am surprised that I am hurt.” I said after slightly longer reflection.

I didn’t know that I still carried the wounds of my past, that they still could have the same effect on me as they used to do. Just because it had been years. Just because I had been occupied with other things. Just because I had forgotten that I carried them. I thought I had gotten over them. Let them go. Perhaps I didn’t. Lived around them, built around them, seems more likely.

This tells me two things.

One, that there is no telling how deep these wounds are. And there is no knowing when I will ever be able to let them go.

Therein lies the hurt that will keep coming back to haunt with no moment’s notice.

Two, but that I had lived around them, that I had made a life in spite of the scars and bruises that make up my heart. And that I could go on. And that I could keep living.

Therein lies the hope.

Maybe one day the waves could finally wash away the debris abandoned in the freckled sand. Until then the wounds will wound until the self can heal and all takes time so all can finally pass.

(”Where will the waves take the debris abandoned in the freckled sand?” The illustration is by Peter Sís, with the words featured in Pam Muñoz Ryan’s beautiful fictionalized telling of Pablo Neruda’s young life in “The Dreamer”. I was browsing old photos on my tablet when I realized I took a screenshot of this particular illustration from my ebook back when I was reading it to review with a tutee. In case it needs to be said: absolutely no copyright infringement whatsoever intended. The image and words simply spoke to me in the moment and I felt prompted to write about personal things lately. Also, I miss young Alekx who writes about personal things with more bravery than older me. Maybe along with the punctures of the past she’s still there, after all.)

#personal #writing

[alekx]

The Sunday Currently, vol. 2

Belated Happy Halloween, but not really because this is my least favorite holiday :-(

Anyway, I am overdue for an update and I thought of posting a second installment to my own version of Sidda Thornton’s The Sunday Currently series. I needed something I wouldn’t be able to make excuses about, and this was perfect. I don’t need to prepare a lot of photos nor do I need to organize a draft. Just pure updates on my consumption. Here goes…

reading

I am currently reading Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere. Last June, I finally found a copy of the Soledad Lacson-Locsin translation. We all read Noli in high school, but I didn’t pay as much attention back then. Years later, I read Benedict Anderson’s review of this translation as part of my research for “The Spectre of Comparison” when MCAD brought the show to Manila. I liked his notes on the novel, and I’ve been hunting for a copy ever since.

Before this, I finished Alain de Botton and John Armstrong’s Art as Therapy. I am also currently reading Vogue Philippines and currently subscribed to Art & Market. I try to check Katy Hessel’s column on The Guardian though I am not doing a very good job of keeping up. Current unread count as of writing: 427. Nope. Make that 436.

listening

“To You” and “Second Life” by SEVENTEEN, “Maniac” by NCT U (but really it’s just Doyoung and Haechan), “Forever Only” by Jaehyun, and “Designer” by NCT 127 if we go by my Spotify On Repeat playlist as of writing. “To You” is my favorite in Attacca, “Designer” in 2 Baddies, but it’s “Lie Again” that I like the most in Ode to You.

I watched The Link when 127 came here last month and I heard the iconic “Back 2 U” with my own ears. Everyone’s vocals are top notch that night from start to end. Taeil exists, guys, and his voice really sounds like in the songs if not better!!! 127 as a whole is so vocally stable from start to finish, and you get this sense that they really trained so hard as performers.

Sadly, I didn’t get to watch Seventeen’s Be The Sun concert, and I also missed beabadobee’s. Boooo!

Finally, I also gave Greasy Cafe’s TECHNICOLOR a recent listen. I am obsessed with the music video for “Time Bomb” partly because it’s interesting, but also partly because I like Mark Prin and Mew.

watching

I finished half of Gilmore Girls’ second season before taking a break from the series. I also finished Romance is a Bonus Book, which I loved. It’s going on my list of favorites.

I looooooved “Insula” from Fifth Wall Fest. The dance was so electric and the cinematography was just as exciting.

Because I’m reading Noli, I also decided to watch Maria Clara at Ibarra. I love Dennis Trillo as Crisostomo Ibarra and I enjoy Barbie Forteza as Klay. Padre Salvi’s character still gives me the creeps.

I also watch the local adaptation of Start-Up occasionally. I do think Seo Dal-mi could have been played by a different actress.

Lastly, Doctor Who is going to be on Disney+???? Aaaaah! I didn’t really want to get a subscription, but this is making me reconsider.

loving

My skincare routine! I think I’ve found a really good routine and it has been working so well for me for months now.

feeling

…excited, because I’m starting two projects soon that I’m really excited about. One is an actual project thing that I don’t really want to talk about until it’s over and one is a project I’ve been meaning to start for myself, which I also don’t want to talk about until I’ve finished. All you need to know is that I am excited and keeping busy.

#lists #the sunday currently

[alekx]

Carnation on my Hand and Aster on my Hair

It has been so gloomy most of July and August so far that when the sun briefly came out of its cloudy hiding three Saturdays ago, I felt the urge to gather the flowers I had to spare and take photos. 

The marketplace near where I live is a common destination for people who frequently buy flowers. A few months ago, I began adopting this habit of buying some for myself whenever I can. Finding these carnations was a stroke of luck. The flower stands don’t usually carry them so I was eager to get some for myself when I saw that they had it.

There is something about the process of arranging each flower, putting them on a vase, and pruning and changing their water every two days that I find rewarding. I put a vase on my desk, another on my dresser, and two on my shelf, and I stare at them whenever I can as they adorn the surrounding area. Regarding hope and pretty things, Alain de Botton says “if we did not find life difficult, beauty would not have the appeal that it does”, and I find that most true in the simple beauty that flowers have to offer us.

I have also always loved flower crowns and floral hair clips. I don’t know how I’ve developed a habit for tucking them into my head. The twigs of asters were fun to put on, and because they’re tiny, my hair swallows them inside. I’m currently listening to Mary Kate Wiles’ reading of Anne of Green Gables. This makeshift flower headband reminds me so much of Anne Shirley.

I initially only intended to run these photos through the RNI Films app, cropping edges here and there to successfully nostalgic results. Yet, in the middle of figuring out the order for this blog, I started putting images on top of each other, playing around with the layout, and eventually devising some sort of visual sequence as in a k-pop photobook. ;-)

I especially like how the portraits turned out. I was surprised by how well they came out because I usually have a hard time taking photos in general. For the ones here, I let my imagination run on GIMP. Haha! Maybe I can do some more portraits in the future – doesn’t have to be my own.

If you can’t tell I am pleased by the outcome of it all, truly I am. We ought to allow ourselves beautiful things from time to time, don’t you think?

#photo diary

[alekx]

Happy Thirty to Me

As the countdown to thirty came closer and closer, I wasn't spared from that almost-cliche panic that comes with turning this age. I found myself scrambling for partially used papers and scribbling some sort of timeline of significant life events from the last few years. What have I done? Where was I? What did I accomplish? I racked my brain for the answers to these questions, simultaneously reasoning to myself the failures I endured and the mistakes I may have made in the last ten years.

I didn't finish that exercise, though. I couldn't remember why. Perhaps, I got distracted, as what does tend to happen, or perhaps I found it too tedious to continue. I remember I have done something similar a few years back, and it's not like I don’t have dozens of diaries as alternatives for recollection. In any case, I found myself feeling differently on the days leading up to d-day, most especially on my birthday eve. Rather than anxious, I wanted to be optimistic about turning 30.

I am grateful for being allowed to have three decades of a lifetime in this world. There is a certain kind of self-assurance and self-confidence that comes to me as I reach this age. I feel like I can say to myself that “things will be alright”, and somehow believe it. Not because age guarantees control, but because maturity fosters wisdom through experience.

I willingly accept that I am past my youth. I am grateful for my twenties, though if you had asked me ten years ago, I could not have predicted the things that happened to me in this “big long game of chasing”. My thirties lie ahead and I look forward to it with so much optimism. I have this sense that I can make it into what I want it to be. I feel I have the power to envision how I want my life to be and the emotional infrastructure to bear it, something which I didn’t have ten years ago.

There are still plenty of things I don’t know and life will never run out of things to worry about, but there are also a few things I am a little more sure of now. Such as my self. I feel like my twenties has allowed me to earn that for myself, so I’m really grateful and hopeful. I’m really looking forward to the year and the decade ahead.

#personal

[alekx]

I Meant to Write Something Else

I had hoped to write something else since my last post. Something more optimistic, something of hope, perhaps, something even of victory and of people coming together to stand up for what is true and honest.

Like many of us (27.94% of Filipinos to be exact), processing the aftermath of the election took me time. As the results became more and more apparent on election day and the days after, I started to worry about family and friends, and about what the future held, including this blog. At first, it felt strange to worry about a personal blog in this way. What has that got to do with the rest of what happens in a country? But remembering how online presence was a primary currency six years prior leading to the elections and will more than likely continue to do so, maybe it isn’t so strange a worry after all.

As the counts started piling and the graphs rose for one and not for another, I wondered what it would mean to be a creative and how it would look like to write at a time such as now, when a prestigious children’s books publishing house could so easily be accused of “radicalizing” or when a distinguished historian could be harassed online for doing his job. If my blog happened to contain information which college I took my bachelor’s from, happened to have pictures of me participating in an election rally for the first time ever in my life, happened to mention any form of critical dissent, happened to assert the truth of our collective history from credible and cited sources, what could be made out of these by those whose opinions and experiences differ from my own?

Pink has always been my favorite color. Family and friends who have watched me grow and gifted me all sorts of things through the years know this. But as the color pink takes on another meaning in this evolving political landscape, wearing or carrying anything in this color has started to feel somewhat incendiary and this makes me feel terrified (and limited in what I can choose to wear and own).

Earlier I said I had hoped to write something else since my last post. Something optimistic, hopeful, or perhaps, even victorious. I wanted to write about a narrative of people coming together and standing up for what is true and honest, that remembers the lessons history has taught us, and that esteems what it took us to earn where we are now. I still do.

Real narratives are rarely ever simple, however. In a way, there is something powerful about this. Maybe the business of reimagining is not over. Even if it could not undo the past, the present is always in the business of rewriting the future. Pink will not always be something I would feel anxious to wear. And as for the post whose publishing this essay takes instead, maybe that could still be written for another day.

Essay written in May 2022, with supplementations made prior to date posted. Photo by eskay lim on Unsplash.   

#writing

[alekx]

There are plenty of things I thought I would have by now

I was watching a show which featured a couple in their forties who married each other in their early twenties. They’re as happily married as they first were, except they now have children to share in that happiness and almost two decades of experience to account for it. Whenever I hear stories like this, I always cannot help but wonder if I had missed anything in my early twenties for me to have not had the same experience...

There are plenty of things I thought I would have by now: a stable job, a career, a graduate degree, a relationship, an apartment, a certain type of camera, a certain art project, a certain achievement, etcetera etcetera... And true enough, I spent so much time in the past wondering when all of this *gestures* will happen for me, but you know what...

I want to let things happen, leave the world alone, and work on myself as I am right now. For the past two years, I wondered if this meant that I am giving up on my dreams. I spent the pandemic wondering if that was what the world wanted from me. Truthfully, I still don’t know. But I did spend a lot of time agonizing about it.

I cannot say if I am giving up on past hopes. What I can say is that I am allowing my dreams to catch up with who I am now. I am allowing my dreams to come to me in the time they mean to come to me and I am ready to receive them. It feels like the past few years were a big, long game of chasing, and for so long I felt so out of breath trying to catch up while also not get caught. The longer that happened the more it also felt that my dreams, as I make them real, had to live up to whatever I had concocted in my head to happen.

To be honest, I feel weird about turning 30 soon. On the one hand, I don’t really feel like there’s much for me to celebrate. But then wouldn’t that mean I still ascribe to capitalist, productive ideas of celebration? On the other hand, you don’t turn 30 everyday. That in itself is a gift, and I should cherish it. Just like every single day.

#personal

[alekx]

A Day Trip to LB

Last February, I was in Los Baños. After a hearty lunch, my cousin and I decided to take a walk along Lopez Avenue all the way to UPLB.

It felt strange seeing the place devoid of the usual traffic of students. I have only been back at LB once since the pandemic, but even then I didn’t reach the campus.

There was the occasional chirping of some birds. There was a cat climbing a tree in quite a hilarious manner which I managed to capture on video, and a dog trying to run after it. Apart from those incidents, the place was very quiet.

My cousin and I talked about how school has changed for her since the pandemic began and the sudden shift to online classes. I asked her how it felt being around familiar spaces in different conditions.

I have not always been the best at letting things be, and like most of us, I wondered since day one how life would unfold post-pandemic. I still don’t have the answers. I don’t think any of us, unless we’re experts, could answer when a “post-pandemic” exactly begins. And even then it seems like a difficult question.

On the other hand, there was something comforting about the walk we took. Nature will take the course it has always taken, that of its own. I wish I could be more like nature.

#photo diary

[alekx]

The Sunday Currently, vol. 1 a.k.a. because I am very original ;-)

Happy Easter! Welcome to the very original (hehe) very first entry on this blog – The Sunday Currently, but not this particular Sunday. I had to pre-write this, otherwise I’d never get a post up in here and I really want to commit to this thing. Not a hardcore “do-it-or-else”, but still…

reading

Essays from an old exhibition catalogue from the Asian Art Museum of San Francisco about contemporary Filipino artists. To be honest, I’m struggling my way through this more than I should. I think I got too comfortable reading fiction the past two months. I always tend to feel sleepy when I’m reading, but the sleepy feeling you get after reading fiction is different from the sleepy feeling you get after reading non-fiction, if you know what I mean.

I also revived my Feedly and Pocket apps lately. I’m reading more up to date stuff again! Also, news because election!!! I’m trying my best to cut back on my bookmarking. Current unread count: 112 articles.

listening

I want to say Suho’s new album Grey Suit, but I just keep defaulting back to his first, Self-Portrait. I’m kind of a lazy listener lately; I just tend to gravitate to old songs and albums I’ve already listened to. I did like “Morning Star”, though.

watching

Would you believe I have never watched Notting Hill? I think I watched parts of the film at various points in my life, but never start to end at least until a few weeks ago. It was okay, I guess.

You know what I enjoyed, though? Jon Favreau’s Chef. The ending was a bit predictable, but I liked 90% of the film. Maybe a lot of that had to do with me salivating the whole time. I mean just look at this:

I am also watching Run On twice in a row now. I looooooove this drama. I want to write about it separately if I could compile the things I want to say about it.

smelling

Citronella. Because it’s summer and insects have been jabbing at my legs and I hate it. I had to stop spraying it though, because inhaling citronella has made breathing very difficult. The insects have calmed down, but I don’t want them to come back ever.

feeling

I’ve been feeling kinda weird and cruising through the motions, but at the same time not desperate. I am trying to get things done. I should also get the things that I want to be done done. I’m just… trying… and I think that’s better than… you know… the anxiety, desperation, whirlpool I’ve been in and out of for quite a while now.

credit: the second photo was a screencap from the film

#lists #the sunday currently

[alekx]

birthday film and other things

It’s not my birthday! But I took these photographs on my birthday. A couple of months back I got myself a lovely instant camera ideally for a project that has yet to see the light of day, but overtime it ended up something I decided to use for fun.

The family and I had lunch on my birthday. I had a little bit of time to myself while the rest decided to do errands and buy their own stuff. I wasn’t planning on stopping by H&M, but when I did, I saw these really cool wall of mirrors beside the escalators. I could not resist taking a photo. Obviously, I need to work on my composition. To be fair, I was in a rush because I was scared of being asked to go out of the store.

And then of course there’s my obligatory birthday photo.

I redid this blog today because I’m hoping it could be a safe space for myself in a way the old blog could not suffice because… pandemic… It didn’t feel right to put this self I have now in the same space that contained myself pre-pandemic.

I don’t know when I started thinking about the situation differently: how this pandemic doesn’t just stop in 2020, or at least until we get vaccinated, maybe we’ll be okay when Christmastime comes… I thought I was immune to this kind of thinking until I recognized the mental adjustment I myself had to make. There is no way of knowing when this will end. Does it even really just “end”?

It’s more convenient to compartmentalize time by way of landmarks. There’s a quantitative way of thinking about the situation (“we’re at ## level and we have ## yet to go, before this pandemic is over”) and I think that’s important and useful in various ways. However, there’s also a part of me that finds it necessary to make sense of this pandemic beyond numbers and reports, beyond some sort of timestamp on the books of history, and instead see it as a situation that resulted from past decisions that could inform present action which will then influence future direction. I mean that in both personal and social spheres.

So… I write a blog…? Yeah, I guess. I often write to gain better understanding of things. I think that’s important now more than ever. When so much of the world remains uncertain, we need to be able to rely on our own selves (“on our own minds, and our own bodies”). To me, writing has always been my way of understanding not instructing. It has always been about listening instead of expressing. If I can write something, it means I can make sense of it, which then allows me to hold onto it.

#personal