aro-barrel

[aro-barrel]

Thinking about the whole "cishet aromantic men" thing and I just think it kind of sucks that we see the words 'cishet' and 'men' and think "aha, there's someone who has absolutely nothing in common with us and it's us VS them" and it gets paired up with the shallow perception of aromanticism as just not wanting to date and staying single. I don't think alloromantic people can really understand what it actually feels like to be aromantic and just how alienating it can be sometimes.

So who is this hypothetical cishet aromantic man that we're so upset about? I mean labels aside he is a person with his own thoughts, feelings, goals, interests and perspective. And despite being cisgender and heterosexual, he is still outside of the norm because he is aromantic. This hypothetical person has probably wondered "why don't I feel the same way everyone else does?" He probably looked around to pick someone to have a crush on. He probably watched a movie or read a book with a love story in it and didn't think people actually felt those things. He probably feels guilty about wanting sex but not wanting the romance part of it. He probably wondered why he can't find the right person. And when he learned that he was aromantic he probably felt alone. He probably feels rejected by heteronormative society because he can't fall in love with the women he has sex with and feels rejected by the lgbtq+ community because he still wants to have sex with women.

Again, this is a hypothetical person. I don't know any cishet aromantic men personally. Probably because a lot of them either don't know what 'aromantic' even means or they know what it means but don't know it's what they are, or they know and they don't feel like they can be open about it. And all this aside, if anyone has any example of these big scary cishet aromantic men inserting themselves into queer spaces and causing problems, I would love to hear it because as far as I know this isn't a real problem

[aro-barrel]

in honor of aromantic spectrum awareness week, i thought i'd take the time to talk about how much my personal life and feelings improved after coming to terms with the fact that i'm aromantic. before i accepted this, i found myself in several romantic relationships where i was deeply unhappy, uncomfortable, and made to feel like i wasn't a good enough partner because i just couldn't do or feel certain things.

i've never enjoyed kissing, and cuddling gets uncomfortable for me within the first few minutes of doing so. even hugs are deeply uncomfortable to me unless i really know and care about someone, and even then, hugs only come when that person asks for them. it never occurs to me to touch people this way, the most you'll get out of me is a pat on the shoulder, back or knee.

i ended up dating several people who were very much romantics, and heavily focused on that aspect of our relationship. it kind of felt like torture to me, i felt like i was being forced to live every day like it was Valentine's Day- every day had to be filled with hours of cuddling, kissing, and telling the other person how much i loved them. while not all romantic partners are like this, it wore on my psyche quickly to be paired with folks like this, because i understood how important it was to them, but i just couldn't keep up the performance.

i thought something was "wrong" with me for years and that i just wasn't in touch with my emotions, or that i was somehow embracing some toxic aspects of my masculinity without realizing. it took me ages to remember that i came out as aromantic when i was much younger, but after criticism from my friends, including a friend who was asexual, i stopped identifying with the label, because i was told that aromanticism wasn't real, and that that just made me an asshole.

nearly a decade and several uncomfortable romantic relationships later, it finally clicked that there wasn't something wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the situations i was getting myself into. sure, i love being partnered- i have a queerplatonic partner that i've known for a decade and have only gotten closer to over time. but we've never been romantic. we don't exchange romantic platitudes, and i realized; i've never been happier with someone else than i am with this person.

why is that?

oh. because they don't expect romance from me. they are also on the aspectrum and don't have a romantic partner, either.

this relationship has brought me more joy than any romantic partnership i've ever attempted to pursue. that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me- i was just looking for happiness in the wrong places. i was miserable not because i'm aromantic, but because i was getting into romantic relationships.

romance can be a source of misery. romance does not inherently make everyone happy. we are not all looking for romance as a species. in fact, chasing it makes many people miserable. too many people spend their lives looking for "the one" that they can kiss, cuddle, hold and say all of those mushy things to when they may not even want that to begin with.

i've never been more at peace with myself since finally, fully accepting that i'm aromantic. i love who i am, and i love how i love. i am not loveless, i experience platonic, queerplatonic and other forms of love. but loveless aromantics aren't miserable, either. we are all embracing ourselves in a way that's true to us. we are refusing to warp ourselves to a society that tells us that we all must have homogeneous feelings.

i am aromantic. i am here. my aromanticism is queer in a society that expects and demands romance of me, and this is true of all aromantics, cis, trans, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, and otherwise. we are here, we are not going away any time soon, and we will not be silent because our identities make some people uncomfortable. we are happiest being who we are.

happy aro week, this goes out to every last arospectrum person out there, appreciate yourselves this week. you deserve it.

[aro-barrel]

This is something of a sequel to my original essay on being loveless.

It's also a discussion of the ways love is wielded against allo-aros, the a-spec community's ongoing conflation of love and attraction, and the impact allosexual aromanticism has on my lovelessness.

Because too often, unfortunately, I see loveless aromantic identity communicated and celebrated so as to exclude me, and other allosexual aros, from it.

I hope that's something we can begin to change this Aro Week.

[aro-barrel]

Honestly everyone give it up for repulsed aces/aros. Yall get so much shit for having boundaries and its frustrating to watch. You're all getting sent complimentary gift baskets

[aro-barrel]

"but aces and aros can be in relationships"

Yes, I know that, but do YOU know that aces and aros in relationships are still aces and aros? Do you internalize that? Are you aware that we don't just suddenly turn straight, or gay or anything else?

Yes, even demis

Are you aware that a sex repulsed asexual will still be sex repulsed even in a relationship, and so, might never fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance repulsed aro will still be romance repulsed even in a seemingly normative relationship and might not like doing typical romantic gestures and activities?

Are you aware that a sex neutral or positive asexual might not actually be sexually attracted to you at all even if they do fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance neutral or positive aro might not actually be romantically into you even if they are comfortable with typical romantic gestures?

Are you aware that our identities are just as permanent as yours?

[aro-barrel]

i used to go through the aromantic tags pretty often and i stopped for a while, but now that i'm looking through them again, it seems like there's an uptick of alloaros who seem constantly annoyed at aces? and like, my blog is mostly an aro blog (even though i'm aroace), so i get miffed when people mention asexuality on a post specifically about aromanticism. but the sentiment i've been seeing seems kinda hostile and rubs me the wrong way. there's a reason we formed a community together, all of us aspecs (including aplatonic people who everyone fucking forgets). we all understand being defined by what others perceive as our absence of humanity, of heart, of care, or whatever. and our aspec identities blur together—maybe not for us, but in the eyes of others. i just wish people in this community could better mediate our differences and have open conversations instead of jumping to policing and drawing lines in the sand.

#man i'm so outta the loop #maybe it's for the best #i can't stand to see any more infighting #this message is applicable to all the current trans infighting too #we all have to be better to each other damnit

[aro-barrel]

I'm genuinely unsure if it's a big problem or not. I'm kinda leaning "no," since it might be a vocal few. Based on polls, most of the community seems aroace anyways—and most of us are quite chill! But whatever simmering annoyances exist between us aspecs can be really easy to exploit and converted into resentment. I am just hoping that we're good enough to each other to be stronger than the impulse to exclude.

i used to go through the aromantic tags pretty often and i stopped for a while, but now that i'm looking through them again, it seems like there's an uptick of alloaros who seem constantly annoyed at aces? and like, my blog is mostly an aro blog (even though i'm aroace), so i get miffed when people mention asexuality on a post specifically about aromanticism. but the sentiment i've been seeing seems kinda hostile and rubs me the wrong way. there's a reason we formed a community together, all of us aspecs (including aplatonic people who everyone fucking forgets). we all understand being defined by what others perceive as our absence of humanity, of heart, of care, or whatever. and our aspec identities blur together—maybe not for us, but in the eyes of others. i just wish people in this community could better mediate our differences and have open conversations instead of jumping to policing and drawing lines in the sand.

#I think spreading information about the spectrum will be more effective than arguing #Baby aspecs will find good guidance this way #<- adding your tags because i agree

[aro-barrel]

i used to go through the aromantic tags pretty often and i stopped for a while, but now that i'm looking through them again, it seems like there's an uptick of alloaros who seem constantly annoyed at aces? and like, my blog is mostly an aro blog (even though i'm aroace), so i get miffed when people mention asexuality on a post specifically about aromanticism. but the sentiment i've been seeing seems kinda hostile and rubs me the wrong way. there's a reason we formed a community together, all of us aspecs (including aplatonic people who everyone fucking forgets). we all understand being defined by what others perceive as our absence of humanity, of heart, of care, or whatever. and our aspec identities blur together—maybe not for us, but in the eyes of others. i just wish people in this community could better mediate our differences and have open conversations instead of jumping to policing and drawing lines in the sand.

#when someone tags my aro post as ace or whatever i just assume they have a good reason to do it #maybe it's just their tagging system or they relate personally #i'm sorry but this is the internet #these things happen #and if it really bothers people that much? they can just ask nicely for someone to stop doing it on their post #rather than make blanket statements or assumptions #a not-insignificant part of community is just dealing with other people's bullshit #all of us need to be okay with internet communities not catering to us 100% #there's more nuance here but i'm too tired to give any

[aro-barrel]

I think up until this point, I haven't gotten a response from anyone who's come out or got outed for being aro to their family. I'm really glad that you've found some level of acceptance from your family. However I will say, getting outed without your consent was not okay at all, even if the result wasn't the worst. Still glad to see you've come out on the other end alright!

I also really appreciate your thoroughness and specificity too! I did some extra digging into 知音 as a word (as usual I struggled to translate the word to my localized dialect of Cantonese) and it sounds like a great term <<2 I'm personally a big fan of all the Chinese words that refer to "best friend" or "good friend" (I don't know why exactly yet, but it hits different to me in Chinese).

It makes me really happy to hear stories from Chinese people that don't have big looming family trauma, since it's seems kinda common (with many Asian cultures in general).

You're absolutely right about Chinese culture not giving a crap about romance. And quite honestly, I'd argue it's not an exclusively Chinese culture thing, even if it takes on a legible form when observe Chinese experiences. It's kinda easy to mix up wanting to get married with wanting romance. It's not that hard to append "romantic love" to the other reasons for marriage because it's so amorphous and impossible to define (yet easy to idealize). I'd say that culturally, we're seeing romance as a concept take root in many places, including China. I have mixed feelings about this stuff as an aro. On one hand, I hate love applied universally as a "must." On the other, it's nice that people want to get married because they have feelings for each other instead of marriage as duty to your family.

The Reddit thread has some really good insights that I'm somewhat nitpicky about, but I second reading it! I am mostly nitpicky about the way the OP reports some claims with too much certainty, but their thoughts are worthwhile.

As for some of my thoughts after reflecting—it might be a little controversial for me to say, but we cannot really separate action from "romantic attraction." Not in practice. Romantic attraction as a purely subjective concept unadulterated by love gestures/actions mediated by culture just...doesn't exist. "Aromanticism" then, emerges differently where "romantic attraction" and "love" emerge differently. (In other words, "love" as a concept varies by culture, "romantic attraction" is interpreted by different cultures differently, so our neat definition of aromantic gets fucked up when we take it outside of the Western context.)

If anyone is interested, I found a paper that discusses how other cultures adapt "love," and it's centered around Gujarati Indians in the UK and India. The article is more optimistic than I am about "the globalization of love," but I think it's informative.

i’d like to read about non-white aro experiences (as well as experiences of aro people from outside the US and UK). i don’t think there are enough explicitly non-white conversations about aromanticism. i remember seeing a demographic poll a long time ago, with a majority of aromantic tumblr identifying as white, but non-white aros exist!

i want to hear from people who can’t/won’t come out because of cultural expectations or language barriers. people who use different words to describe their aromanticism. people who experience isolation from the aro community because they aren’t white (enough). i want to hear about aromanticism from new angles!

of course, no one is ever obligated to reveal their ethnicity or race online. but if anyone has seen writing on diverse aro experiences or if they want to share their own experiences, i’d like to read about other perspectives! (pls send stuff my way)

#i've been trying very hard not to go full analysis mode because i wanted my notes to be a collection of other people's thoughts #but i wanted to respond to the contents of the reddit article #hope you don't mind #and i hope what i said made sense #sometimes i write stuff really late at night and it becomes incomprehensible during the day #thank you again for your response!! i enjoyed reading it #long post

[aro-barrel]

I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS

NASA SUPPORTS THE AROS 😭😭😭😭😭

THERE IS NO GREATER ARO WIN FOR THIS ARO ACE PHYSICIST

[aro-barrel]

The most important thing about relationships is consent. So it's silly to say that non-committal relationships are "bad" or "hurts people" because those relationships also have consent in them. All relationships are fine relationships if there is proper consent involved. You don't have to want to do it yourself, but it also is not your right to judge others for what's best for their lifestyle and happiness

[aro-barrel]

It's official! We got the state of Kansas to formally recognize Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week this year!

February 18-24, 2024 DON'T YOU FORGET!

#omg the ace couple #this is so cool!!!!

[aro-barrel]

i have to hope hope hope that we are creating spaces for young aspec teens to feel safe in and to find community in. in my heart i see my teenage self appearing online right at the tail end of all our online communities getting destroyed and trying to find the last vestiges of ace + aro spaces to hold on to and i just really really hope that what the kids are finding now is something that supports them. something that makes them feel validated and cared for. aspec teens i love you, you're doing great, and there are so many people that are there for you i promise. community keeps us strong and there is so much strength in our community <3

[aro-barrel]

yeah, but you do mean 'loveless' like 'romanceless' right? Just cause you're not interested in a romantic partnership, and you're never attracted to anyone romantically, that doesn't mean you can't love your family and your friends. Am I understanding wrong? I feel like it's a widely accepted concept that 'love' isn't just romantic, it's about caring about someone, no matter if they're your family or platonic friend or your pet.

No, "loveless" means love-less. Another anon also asked me to explain as well so:

"Lovelessness" in the aro context comes from the essay I Am Not Voldemort by K.A Cook. The essay confronts normative ideas on love, its inherent positivity and what it means to not love. From the introduction, which brings up the question of non-romantic love:

This June, I saw an increasing number of positivity and support posts for the aromantic and a-spec communities discussing the amatonormativity of “everyone falls in love”. I agree: the idea that romantic love is something everyone experiences, and is therefore a marker of human worth, needs deconstruction. Unfortunately, a majority of these posts are replacing the shackles of amatonormativity with restrictive lines like “everyone loves, just not always romantically”, referencing the importance of loving friends, QPPs, family members and pets. Sometimes it moves away from people to encompass love for hobbies, experiences, occupations and ourselves. The what and how tends to vary from post to post, but the idea that we do and must love someone or something, and this love redeems us as human and renders us undeserving of hatred, is being pushed to the point where I don’t feel safe or welcome in my own aromantic community. Even in the posts meant to be challenging the more obvious amatonormativity, it is presumed that aros must, in some way, love. I’ve spent weeks watching my a-spec and aro communities throw neurodiverse and survivor aros under the bus in order to do what the aromantic community oft accuses alloromantic aces of doing: using their ability to love as a defence of their humanity. Because I love, they say, I also don’t deserve to be a target of hatred, aggression and abuse. But what if I don’t love? What if love itself has been the mechanism of the hatred and violence I have endured? Why am I, an aro, neurodiverse survivor of abuse and bullying, still acceptable collateral damage?

The author criticizes the idea of "true love" that is incapable of harm. Ze questions why we construct love in that way, and how it ignores and simplifies the experiences of victims of abuse ("It’s comforting to think that a love that wounds isn’t real love, but it denies the complexity of experience and feeling had by survivors. It denies the complexity of experience and feeling that makes it harder for us to identify abuse and escape its claws. It denies the validity of survivors who look at love and feel an honest doubt about its worth, as a word or a concept, in our own interactions and experiences.") Ze talks about being forced to say "I love you" to transphobic, abusive parents whose feelings of love was the justification for their abuse.

The core of what "loveless" as an concept is about is summed up in this quote:

There is no substantial difference between saying “I’m human because I fall in love”, “I’m human because I love my friends” and “I’m human because I love calligraphy”. All three statements make human worth contingent on certain behaviours, feelings and experiences. Expanding the definition of what kinds of love make us human does nothing but save some aros from abuse and antagonism … while telling survivor and neurodiverse aros, who are more likely to have complex relationships to love as a concept or are unable to perform it in ways recognised by others, that we’re still not worthy.

Lovelessness is against any kind of statement which quantifies humanity (and implicitly, human worth) in the ability to feel or act or experience certain things. Humans are human by virtue of being human, and nothing else. And, it is socially constructed! "Love" has no natural definition! Some people are not comfortable using "love" to describe positive feelings and relationships, and some people do not feel those positive feelings in general. And those people deserve the right to define their own experiences and their own relationship to the social construct of love.

In essence, lovelessness is both a personal as well as (in my opinion) a political identity, born from aro and mad experiences that challenges not just amatonormativity but all ideas that associate personhood and worth with the ability to feel certain things.

& as a note, there is also the term "lovequeer" which describes using the term "love" in ways which contradict mainstream understandings of what it means to love, and which kinds of love are considered worthwhile.

[aro-barrel]

i just wanna say that in the last year, the number of aros i know online AND irl has increased, and i couldn't be happier. it seems that general knowledge of aromanticism (and asexuality!) has increased even outside of the queer community; even though we still have a ways to go, it's still great to see progress, especially outside of online spaces. and yeah, we're still dealing with exclusionism within the community, but for every person who wants to squeeze us out, there's a few more willing to fight for our place.

here's to another great year for aros! ☆ 💚🤍🩶🖤

[aro-barrel]

rotating love in my evil aro heart

[aro-barrel]

I wear an aro ring about 80% of the time when I go out now and it's strangely affirming. It's very nice to look at your hand and go "yay aro ring!" But I have yet to randomly encounter aros who do the same. Please, more aros wear aro rings so we can find each other out in the wild! <<2

#aromantic #aspec #aromanticism #aro #i'm trying to help aromantic trend but i'm bad at posting silly things #will make more attempts later